Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇 Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027 ‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Jerry is literally saving my life. I only started to feel when he unlocked this with his precise, deep and healing words. There's no genuine life or happiness until you heal tbh
I am 61. Still treading carefully around my narc mother. I chose not to have my own children. I could not even imagine myself inflicting the same damage to any other human being that she did and continues to do to me… I am working hard on myself to be detached and unemotional around her.
@@editorjeannie2318 I'm 55 and had one son - 22 y.o. now. Let me tell you, it was hard, and I messed up a lot. Surprised I have been able to stay married. I don't begrudge my son being here, but I would have made a different decision honestly.
This is very helpful. I was adopted by two narcissistic parents. My adoptive father is almost 99 and blind (my adoptive mother is deceased) and I have only spoken to him twice in the past 6 months. Both times he told me that I am helpless without him and have never lived up to my potential. I am in my 50s. It is so toxic, never stops and never will until he finally passes away.
But after my dad passed away, I could still hear the toxic things he used to say to me running around in my head, until I started healing, using Jerry's Road to Self.
Been there, got the badge 💔❤️🩹♥️ beware of his last will because he’ll use it to punish then reject you… it ain’t true! You’re a heroine in your own lifetime 😉 free at last 🌈 🦋 ✨
The running theme is a feeling of having missed out and living a disadvantaged life because our mental and emotional health was stunted from being shaped and raised in a narcissistic family. I have a lot of anger from this- why should I have to work so hard everyday to overcome the effects of my upbringing because of selfish, evil people. It's not fair- they should be the ones suffering. I focus on being happy and fulfilled as much as possible
Same smh...when i sit and think and realize...it really makes me mad..things normal adults breeze through, I'M having to play 'catch-up' because i wasn't really taught anything. Alot of anger, alot of grieving over what could have been, what has to be accepted...I hate it 😔
My mom used to actually say, and this is verbatim - “Why should my kids have it better than I had it”. And so, part of our role in the family was to be punished in order to make it up to my mom for being poor.
I had one pair of jeans I was wearing over and over and being made fun of in 6 th grade …I was scared to ask her for new clothes as she would rage and spew how bad she had it …it was sad but they could have afforded to buy me another pair of clothes ..thrift stores were somewhere she wouldn’t go yet there are nice clothes there …I look back and she had countless pairs of shoes ..I was not a priority and shouldn’t complain because she supposedly had it worse
It's been ten years for me, watching from a distance our mother and her golden children destroy the family and our father's legacy. Their behavior has been so bad, so ridiculous, I'm writing a screenplay about it.
I’m 66 & went no contact @ 40 & now they’re both dead. No contact with the others. Retired to Florida on the nature coast & still dealing with the fallout. Work on this now to save your future plz 💔❤️🩹♥️
There is truth to this but it’s FAR better than the hell of being entrenched with those monsters. Stop looking at them - that’s not NC. Go truly NC. Don’t give a damn about “the golden child.” Don’t look. Go entirely No Contact. You will not regret it. Love to yo from me who has been there.
Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly -so true -we are in paralysis that the world is judging us as harshly as our families of origin and we aren’t 6 years old anymore -great video
I ended up with very aggressive, late stage, incurable cancer after my narc family ostracized me for more than 10 + years. I was also smeared to extended family and family friends destroying my reputation… and left completely alone all those sad years with no love or support at all. They did this to me because I spoke up and called out all their abuse. Even childhood physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Having contact with vicious half sister put me into a hypertensive crisis… blood pressure so high it became life threatening. I actually don’t think many of us live long lives. I’m a perfect example of this. I won’t live long and my abusers will go right on down the road looking like wonderful people and no one will ever know the truth of who they really are and what they did to me. I will be dead and forgotten and everyone will always believe it was me with all the “issues” who was “mentally unstable” and just a bad person. Not one person has ever come to me and asked me my side of the story. Not one!
I understand. Same here. Both myself and my younger brother have serious health issues due to years of extreme stress and like you, the narcissist in our lives, (our mother) went on a decades long smear campaign that at first we knew nothing about but with age she ramped it up. All it took was for us to do our best to live independent normal lives and OMG. And pretty much everyone believed her. A few didn't. A few who felt her wrath and saw that side of her understood. But they still said nothing. We were left to deal with it ourselves. At least we have each other to talk to. And I have a couple of wonderful friends. But it is very tiring and lonely and neither my brother or I expect to live long lives. Which is fine with me because life has been spent just existing and not much else. And if we fell from the face of the earth tomorrow no one would notice because we have only been empty shells of where a human used to be for what feels like forever. Sending you hugs. I get what you are saying.
Felt this deeply. Can completely relate. I'm terribly sorry you experienced such a miserable life and ended up sick from it. The injustice of it all is staggering. I hope you can find peace somehow. I hope that for myself too. You know your truth. You know how terrible your family was. Somehow, that has to be enough. I'm just a stranger on the internet, but I believe you. My heart goes out to you. We didn't deserve this. We wouldn't have chosen this. I wish you all the best.
I had 2 Narcs as parents. They hated each other and resented me for being the 'reason" they had to come together and stay together. Could they find a way to stay together but live separate lives and raise the children well? No. Nope. Bcos they were very immature
Omg Jerry- I cannot believe how accurate you are. I was in the mental health field for 15 years, and seeing “behind the curtain” of this field has nearly ruined my ability to get help for myself and my husband. More often than not, I have seen horrible therapists who just “don’t get it”- no one even talks about narc abuse until recently. My whole life would have been different had this information and even just the acknowledgement been available when I was younger. I realize as I’m writing this, I’m exhibiting exactly what you are discussing. I’ve been in therapy for 25 years. I NEVER met someone that truly speaks to this experience. I’ve recently had an experience with my pcp that was my “final straw” in losing trust with providers. I have felt so defeated that no one knows enough about this to understand and help me, and my husband. We are both victims of this type of abuse. Thank you so much for doing these videos and webinars. I just found you and I’m just so thankful
Same here. Eventually I became ill physically. Now I'm awake but have no choices. It is difficult to know what a difference this knowledge would have had, had I known even a decade ago. ✌️
@bereal6590 me too- all my life I’ve been getting stress induced illness. Now I have 2 chronic illnesses, with excruciating pain, both caused by excessive stress.
What really hurts is when you put up boundaries and become firmly yourself, and then they say your “tone” is now “wrong”. 😢 I can’t win. Can’t say I’ll miss any of them after all they put me thru. Such utter blindness. But I do know no matter how they treat me”me” it is NOT me because obviously I am their blind spot n they NEVER saw “me” at all.
Yeah, i'm sorry man tat's how they are, in essence Narcistic people have more of the devil-like characters and emotions than normal human beings, and would you expect the devil to stop hurting you when you asses your boundaries? No i don't think so. For me, it helps thinking of my narcististic father in that way.
I don't know how to relax or be calm! I'm 66 yrs & feel I have ADHD & CPTSD! Mother has passed 5 yrs ago and I had no contact 9 yrs before her death. 50 yrs of abuse & I feel it still haunts me! She was a cruel person.
@NortherngirlAnnK You are so correct! All these years I never thought that would be possible after Mom's death! Hope you have a wonderful holiday & thank you for your wise words! Happy Holidays!
I was made a black sheep because of my independent streak. My parents didn't want me join the US Army and I did. I went to college and my parents didn't like it. I got the ire of my parents for buying a used car. I'm convinced my parents wanted me to be homeless and riding a bicycle so they could feel superior to me by living in their houses with their new cars. That's why I've been no contact with them for many years. There's no point for me to speak to them just to hear their insults because I love myself too much to put myself through that abuse.
I can relate. My mother constantly, covertly, wanted me to succeed, but each time success was on the horizon, she belittled me for it. Result: I never reached my entire ability to succeed.
@@Selah1141, there's a paradox to it. You're supposed to reflect positively on them. That's all the talk about success. But when it is actually about to happen, they realize it would be about you and not them, and they want to call it off. Also, they believe that your actions are energized by them, so they credit themselves for your near success and will blame you for your failure. In their mind there exists a possibility that even your eventual success would be about them, but it just didn't work out yet. That's actually the success you failed to achieve, from their point of view, not your own success.
Your quote “anything worth doing is worth doing poorly” I think saved my life. It allowed me to push through the feelings of inadequacy and shame so I can actually be consistent in anything long enough to where I ACTUALLY felt and saw results. Thank you for your wisdom. 🙏
I am a 60 woman who was the family scapegoat. My three older brothers and narc mother ruled the chaos. My dad was an alcoholic. Thought I got lucky when I married my present husband 35 years ago only to realize I married my mother. I was blessed with two beautiful kids but felt unable to get close. My son took his life 6 years ago claiming he wasn't loved. I appreciate these wonderful but sad videos but I am truly stuck. I am currently unemployed and financially dependent on a spouse that admits it's just a marriage of convenience. Not looking for any feedback, just tired of keeping quiet.
You were needed as a therapist more than you were needed as a lawyer! You have a true calling. It’s spooky how I identify with the symptoms listed at the top of the video. I said OMG to all but one. I know now that I am not alone.
My entire existence I have NOT been able to speak to my father about ANYTHING for more than a word or two before he stops me and screams his own thoughts on how I’m wrong, or lying, or ignorant etc. No matter the situation, he already has his mind made up and I just need to be quiet and listen to him. I’m 45 years old and this stuff is WORSE now than when I was a child. FOR EXAMPLE- When I was 16, I got in a car accident…a fender bender at worst. He instantly became violently angry and told me I got in that accident BECAUSE I was SHOWING OFF to my friends and driving crazy… Regardless of how incorrect that is, there is NOTHING I can say to explain what actually happened. It SUCKS so so badly
You may feel old, yet you are still young( at least compared to me), SO I say to you , separate from Him now. Start/continue working on your Self. You have time left to learn to love your self!!!
Many of the fears mentioned have actually come to happen in my past. There was no awareness of narcissistic abuse, there wasn't even the internet back then, just self-help books. I still think I won't live as long as either of my parents (they both lived to 89). But at the very least, I am at a point in life where I won't let my future be a repeat of my past.
I have it the opposite way. I am trying to convince everyone I am crazy, but in a very interesting way and struggling to get on top of it, but I don't believe anyone is interested.
I love the, “it’s ok to self-differentiate badly - or do something you love badly,”. I played the guitar and sang at the same time - for the first time- at an open mic night VERY BADLY! It made me happy and people were supportive - can’t wait to do it again. Thank you Jerry!
Jerry, your commitment to helping others is commendable. It's apparent that your passion stems from your personal journey as well as your professional one. Rest assured that your potential regrets in career choice are minuscule when considering the scale of your positive impact on others. Kudos for finding a contributory mechanism of your personal struggles.
I spent my life trying to save my relationship with my dad in spite of his mistakes, I thought time could sort everything out. After 28 yrs nothing changed. My fault, but I now know of what a narcissistic personality means: grief and he will never change
Very insightful, Jerry thank you. My fear is that my narcissistic mother will live forever. Caring for her in late years is difficult. To show love and care for her that I never experienced. But I feel guilty seeing her in her misery as a bitter, lonely, clueless 93 yr old without 1 friend or other family member. Yes, it was a wasted life
I find it kinda funny, i find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had. It’s like me and Mr Wise are synching up. It’s taking me this long to feel my deep fears and realize how they are controlling me. I’m healing y’all. Slow and steady. Ready to get my life back 100%. Join me, no? Best wishes to everyone on the journey!
Hello, sir. I'm purposely commenting before I watch this video; the reason for this is that, at 47 years old, I recently returned to stay at my childhood home for personal reasons. The narcissistic abuser with whom I grew up (my father) is long gone - he has been since I was 18. I've lived a relatively healthy, stable adult life, with the help of therapy and occasional medication. However, I've found myself significantly disintegrating mentally and emotionally in the months since I've been here, and yesterday evening, I had a panic response to being startled that was so intense I could barely find my way out of it. My journal from last night sits beside me, yet I hope that in commenting here prior to watching your video, I will avoid self-confirmation bias and remain as open as possible to your insights. Thank you for all that you do.
I absolutely believe that objects and places hold a lot more than we give credit to. That being said, continue journaling and doing self-care (whatever that looks like for you - teas, bubble baths, reading, taking walks) double down on the self-care and try to only be in the house/rooms that give you the most trouble, as much as necessary. I would take walks, be out of the house as much as possible. If you have places that bring you more peace, go there as much as possible. The garden, a park, library etc. I'm speaking from my own experience and just wanted to share what has helped me, in case any of the tips help you even a little bit. 🫶🏻❤️🩹💯
Being back in your childhood home may have "awakened" wounded young parts of you who might not know that time has passed and that your body has grown all the way up and that there are choices available now that were not possible while growing up in that home. Maybe you can try to speak silently or out loud to the young wounded places in you, letting them know that you are an adult now, the father is gone and you will keep them safe.
@@lauriefaber6627 You're welcome. It really has helped all parts of me immensely. It's not a magic fix, it is an ongoing process and challenge but so worth it. ❤
Dear Teacher Wise, You have named all my issues in this and many other videos. You have helped me tremendously. My life feels more like my own every time I listen to your wisdom. Thank you
I'm at a year plus of no contact with my dad and his second wife. Now my brother that's not talking to me likely due to their putting pressure on him because I am no longer in the family picture and they need someone to be the scapegoat for everything they screw up in life. Just a guess, but things add up a little too well most days now that my brother is not talking to me.
I changed my name for healing. Each name was on love. This year, my husband of 47 years is my cousin. His 8th GGmother is a sister to my 6th GGmother. Our bond is much tighter. "Give yourself what your parents never gave you" is what Dr. Phil said on tv.
"Fear of continuing the cycle with myself and my family." This is so incredibly painful. I was barely scratching the surface of abuse and narcissism when one of my children, who I later realized was allied with my ex and also abusive, lied to her siblings to protect herself. It’s a classic "if I had known then what I know now." I ended up alienated from all of my children. The circumstances were such that reconciliation is more than a little bit unlikely. It breaks my heart, because there are things I wish I could say to each one of them. On the other hand, I recognize now that the entire family used me as a scapegoat. If they hadn’t, they wouldn't have believed their sister's lies. I'm not sure I would accept an offer of reconciliation. That leaves me knowing that the pattern is going to continue, and there's not a goddess blessed thing I can do about it. All I can do is mourn and find my peace with it.
You bring us such clarity. Your approach gives us more "internal actions" rather than analyzing our issues away. Such wisdom. You suggested Margaret Paul's book. I'm very grateful. You have been Blessed to share so much with us. Thank you.
Anyone watching who may still have the choice to have children and r afraid #8, please please do not let the narc take this opportunity away frm you. At a very young age i determined not to ever have children for fear of damaging them. You dont want to miss out on a family like i did.
As far as my own life is concerned these are facts not fears. Until now at 46 i have lived all my life with those thoughts like being an obvious reality.
Jerry, new subscriber here. Could you please address the panic attacks and crying jags that we can get caught up in while struggling to heal as adult children of narcissistic parents? They can be especially debilitating and leave one exhausted in their wake. Thank you.
@@mrsqueakthecat.8061 am speaking of the adult child themselves suffering from panic and crying jags. But, I agree, narc parents can raise the roof with their tantrums.
I think what is happening is analogous to the wound healing frm a raging infection that had to be lanced. All the bad stuff we carried around is coming out. It hurts. Good luck on yr healing. You r not alone. It will get better❤
@@SoulSeeker2025, how about extreme dissociation? Years ago I was at a hardware store, just standing next to a shelf, when I suddenly felt like I ceased to exist. It took me a few minutes to again start remembering where I was and what I was looking for. But who am I? Maybe the sum of my skills and experiences? Theologically a person can also be the sum of his acquired and gifted virtues. But those don't really make me feel like I knew what to do next.
One thing I never feared was her dying, our loving father died in our tweens, but losing her as well was a wonderful feeling, there was a bit of guilt over that, but she’s nearing her 9th decade and we do fear not seeing a day free of her grip.
It's like you have an inside view of our thoughts. It's reaffirming. That's why I'm a huge advocate of professionals in the mental health profession. Sharing these feelings with the wrong person can make things worse. These videos are super helpful in letting us know we are not crazy, we are not alone and most importantly, we can overcome trauma and live happy, fulfilling lives.
I tried to make my point and set the boundary and my covert narc dad put up his moral high ground and his innocent victim face calling me inhuman : saying "I don't want to argue with you, you aren't even sounding human." He is a genius of his art. Everyone considers him a kind man. 😢
All of these are my life. I fear that if you don't escape during your formative years of your early 20s, these aren't false beliefs but facts of life. The pandemic caused #5 which led to #10 for me. Now I'm about to turn 40. The next 5-10 years don't look good. I'm going to be in my 50s before I can start living.
Thank you, Jerry, for your true profound guidance. Indeed, our narcissist mother was vindictive with our father's estate legacy, though not as much as I thought she would. That said, she made sure her golden children -- who were just like her -- were in charge of the estate, and they've thoroughly destroyed it due to their enmeshment and codependence with her, their desperate financial states and need for money. Seeking out peaceful and nurturing people, spending time with them in lieu of my parents and siblings, helped immensely regardless of my emotional state. Reaching out to help others, as quietly and anonymously as possible, has helped me grow beyond my parents and siblings. I also learned to appreciate that I don't matter, and it's going to be OK.
Jerry Jerry Jerry … THIS VIDEO WAS MADE FOR ME !!! I have dealt with anxiety all my life and get so MAD at myself that I can’t shake it and get over it. Now I see that it’s been the YEARS dealing with my NARC family and just learned this year I’m a Codependent and what it means. That I realize I internalize all the chaos of my family always trying to keep the peace but, then after my Dad’s passing getting blamed for the mess of how the estate was handled. Ooh boy .. that almost took Me out 20 years ago. So that sent Me seeking help first to the Lord and then counselors but . Still struggled . Your videos has set the light bulb off and I know it’s God saying it’s time Shelly to keep working toward a peaceful and joyful Life with the Family that I WANT in my Life. 🥰 Thank YOU Thank YOU
All true and I haven’t been in a relationship for years but I am deeply damaged. I would like this to change with the right person in the near future. Certainly not with another narcissist. I have attracted horrible relationships with awful l people in the past.
MAN THIS SOUNDS BETTER YOU SAYING IT THAN APPLYING THIS TO MY LIFE...LIFE ALREADY SEEMS OVERWHELMING NOW I HAVE TO ADD ON BEING EMOTIONAL, MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY HEALTHY AND UNRAVELING ALL THIS ABUSE 😳😳😳😳😳😳
I grew up an only child in a hellish house of aggressively alcoholic parents. Everything you say rings true to life with my experience. However, life also has a way of evening things out later on. I did not have much of a life as a child and young adult, but encountered some fortuitous breaks later on that helped me look past it. We have to be on the lookout for the good as well as the bad aspects of life. We also need to make an extra effort to live our lives as ethically as possible, because we are treading around the edges of a personally hole that careless vices can sink us back into.
Wow, I am grateful for all the work you’ve done and the way you articulate these different points so well. I can totally relate to almost every one of the thoughts that you unpack in this video. Thank you for making sense of so much.🌟💕
Thank you deeply I couldn't have made it the last 2 days/ nights with out listening to you & reading your words. Severe physical pain, brought back a fight with the major depression that had been dealt with. Thank you .❤
Thanks for all your work Jerry. I have a Father that was fvkng mean and abusive..my mother a narcissists. Now I see how much damaged I did to my two kids. I feel so bad .
It really stinks to be aware of these fears but believe that they are common to all humans. I can attest that these fears were real and were made manifest in my lifetime (except for the never parts, still alive). Two of the simple questions I ask myself that have helped me feel calm instead of anxious or depressed are: What am I feeling? Why am I feeling this? I took cognitive behavioral therapy for a while and it seemed to make things worse by invalidating my real experiences. For example, mind reading, catastrophizing, should vs want, black and white thinking, etc. What actually helped was acknowledging that sometimes I do know what someone is thinking, things are at the brink of doom, ppl should act a certain way and I am ok with wanting that, and some people are just bad and they’ll drag you down with them. My fears were real. It’s like waking up and realizing I was in a horror movie. Then I was able to make it into an action comedy by integrating and trusting my feelings. Regained my agency and sense of self.
Number 8 has been my biggest fear, and the reason I waited to be a parent until I was 30 years old. But it was also the reason I sought out good parenting advice. I knew I did not learn good parenting strategies from my parents. Scary thought...passing on the dysfunction I inherited.
In many ways, I have broken the cycle of abuse in my family. The violence that terrorized me is something my kids do not know. Of course, I have made mistakes, but I can only apologize, and then do better. I have been divorced from my daughter’s father for thirty years, yet he’s relatively recently stalked me here, and without identifying himself, he insisted I had not broken any cycle, and that he was trying to hold me accountable. I realized who he was, but haven’t seen him since. He and my son’s father would not help me keep our house, because they hated me more than they loved their kids. They’ve remarried, and now ignore them, and treat them as though they are not part of their family. The reason I say all this is that there may be people in your family, or who are friends, who take the side of someone who abused you. Write them off. Forget they exist. You don’t have to continue to be belittled and hurt by people who don’t want to know the truth. You deserve much better.
#8 Continuing the cycle is my greatest fear. Thankfully, I can point out times where I broke the cycle with my own children, and this helps flip the script in my mind.
The fear of losing yourself in a relationship (including a workplace) and of not being able to achieve self differentiation is well founded. So many 'friends', partners and employers/colleagues want to be your guru. It reminds me of Emma Watson's character in the movie The Circle. She finds herself again when she goes sea kayaking... which is an activity that her employer disapproves of, because when people spend time on their own they can reflect. Same thing with reading, journaling, drawing, or even stretching: the narcisses in your life will try to interrupt you...
Thank you Jerry and wishing you a very Blessed and Merry Christmas🎄🙏🏼💕. Thank you for all the wisdom you share, it is priceless. Your video “calmness is everything” was life changing for me!
Come on Jerry you gotta get those short videos out! Little sound bites. How to survive/deal with your family this Christmas. Hope you dont mind the suggestion, your videos have helped me so much over the years. Wanted to pass a little back. Merry Christmas Jerry, thanks for all you do!
My problem is my thinking. My thinking was cultivated in my family of origin due to fear. My mother suffered from BPD (she became an incest survivor at 15 years old). No one in the family challenged her to the point that she wanted to change. Her problems were everyone else's fault. I'm almost 68. My late mother passed away on 1/21/2007 (almost 18 years ago). I need to change how I initially think about myself. I miss "red flags" most of the time because of self-doubt, low self-esteem, inability to advocate for myself in conflict situations. I feel I've missed out on so much because of lack of autonomy, lack of self-differentiation, and enmeshment. I still grieve my losses. When does the grief end? The previous generation has passed on. I was not taught basic life skills. There is so much I lost.
Thanks, your videos are very helpfull. I do not watch all of them, I choose topics I feel the more accurate to my situation and needs and it helps me to point at the root of what makes me feel so bad and confused with myself and others and helps me to build my true self and get out of this mess that destroyed my life. I don't know if what I mean is clear, English is not my native language, but your experience brings me a lot.
Been Homeless for 4 years since I stupidly called out the narc parent here in the UK - this whole thing has been so brutal! - I have all these ALL OF THEM-
Oh, never had unconditional love from people nor from myself. Only The Lord's unconditional Love. So lonely. But I should not be lonely with The Lord. Why do I feel lonely ? I don't need fake people. Animals give unconditional love, also.
My mom has had a severe hygiene issue for years since childhood. Now that my dad passed. She is trying to manipulate me and guilt me into allowing her to move in with me and my family. No one in the family (siblings) cares how that will affect my family (wife and kids). These are the same people who enable her by not telling her the truth. Its as if they're trying to punish me for being successful and buying a new home.
Jerry, Why do ACONs so detached and disconnected. I've always felt like an adopted child, cant relate with my family and most other people too. Any thoughts or theoretical understandings?
Oh snap! You mean I'm aloud to feel, to think & to have my own opinion and way of doing things. To love unconditionally and not like taught... conditionally. Hmmm WOW this is good news. But, how much more can I deprogram after 61 years?
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
Access my free training - jerrywise.ewebinar.com/webinar/free-training-10027
‘Road to Self’ Program: Join 10,000+ people who have transformed their lives! www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/road-to-self
Jerry is literally saving my life. I only started to feel when he unlocked this with his precise, deep and healing words. There's no genuine life or happiness until you heal tbh
I’m 53 and chose not to have children out of fear
My biggest fear was ending up just like my mother.
Same. I'm 58 and decided not to have children because I have worked my whole life to heal myself and didn't feel I could be a good parent.
@editorjeannie2318 I’m 50 and did not want children for the same exact reasons.
58. No kids. Grateful I made the right decision.
I am 61. Still treading carefully around my narc mother. I chose not to have my own children. I could not even imagine myself inflicting the same damage to any other human being that she did and continues to do to me… I am working hard on myself to be detached and unemotional around her.
@@editorjeannie2318 I'm 55 and had one son - 22 y.o. now. Let me tell you, it was hard, and I messed up a lot. Surprised I have been able to stay married. I don't begrudge my son being here, but I would have made a different decision honestly.
"Distance does not create detachment"
This is very helpful. I was adopted by two narcissistic parents. My adoptive father is almost 99 and blind (my adoptive mother is deceased) and I have only spoken to him twice in the past 6 months. Both times he told me that I am helpless without him and have never lived up to my potential. I am in my 50s. It is so toxic, never stops and never will until he finally passes away.
But after my dad passed away, I could still hear the toxic things he used to say to me running around in my head, until I started healing, using Jerry's Road to Self.
@@karenherrera287I have the same problem.
Thanks to him
Been there, got the badge 💔❤️🩹♥️ beware of his last will because he’ll use it to punish then reject you… it ain’t true! You’re a heroine in your own lifetime 😉 free at last 🌈 🦋 ✨
It's designed by the parents to be that way.
Trust yourself and keep your distance.
The running theme is a feeling of having missed out and living a disadvantaged life because our mental and emotional health was stunted from being shaped and raised in a narcissistic family. I have a lot of anger from this- why should I have to work so hard everyday to overcome the effects of my upbringing because of selfish, evil people. It's not fair- they should be the ones suffering. I focus on being happy and fulfilled as much as possible
That was my brother, sadly. 😢
We carry their displaced & projected shame but the blame lies elsewhere so just dump that stuff as you move forward 💔❤️🩹♥️
My narcissistic parents died, but they are still alive
Same smh...when i sit and think and realize...it really makes me mad..things normal adults breeze through, I'M having to play 'catch-up' because i wasn't really taught anything. Alot of anger, alot of grieving over what could have been, what has to be accepted...I hate it 😔
Yes
My narc mother died in 2016, I'm 50 now... I STILL am trying to figure out WHO I am, but feel much clearer about the path for once.
Mine's 94. Still tickin'. 😔
You were Blessed! My NARC MoMster is 86 going to 106... I'm 61 & holding out to make it to 65...
My mom used to actually say, and this is verbatim - “Why should my kids have it better than I had it”. And so, part of our role in the family was to be punished in order to make it up to my mom for being poor.
Exactly
Yeah, moms can be really mean.
That’s not a “mom”…
@@bobcaygeon975 Or my favorite "you can have kids or you can have a life"
I had one pair of jeans I was wearing over and over and being made fun of in 6 th grade …I was scared to ask her for new clothes as she would rage and spew how bad she had it …it was sad but they could have afforded to buy me another pair of clothes ..thrift stores were somewhere she wouldn’t go yet there are nice clothes there …I look back and she had countless pairs of shoes ..I was not a priority and shouldn’t complain because she supposedly had it worse
I thought when I went no- contact 9 years ago at 44 y.o. that it was over, but it's true that actually my work had just begun
It's been ten years for me, watching from a distance our mother and her golden children destroy the family and our father's legacy. Their behavior has been so bad, so ridiculous, I'm writing a screenplay about it.
I’m 66 & went no contact @ 40 & now they’re both dead. No contact with the others. Retired to Florida on the nature coast & still dealing with the fallout. Work on this now to save your future plz 💔❤️🩹♥️
So true! So many levels to healing from this 🙏
There is truth to this but it’s FAR better than the hell of being entrenched with those monsters. Stop looking at them - that’s not NC. Go truly NC. Don’t give a damn about “the golden child.” Don’t look. Go entirely No Contact. You will not regret it. Love to yo from me who has been there.
@@DHW256 Writing out your truth is very liberating. 👍
Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly -so true -we are in paralysis that the world is judging us as harshly as our families of origin and we aren’t 6 years old anymore -great video
Good words to hear.
I ended up with very aggressive, late stage, incurable cancer after my narc family ostracized me for more than 10 + years. I was also smeared to extended family and family friends destroying my reputation… and left completely alone all those sad years with no love or support at all. They did this to me because I spoke up and called out all their abuse. Even childhood physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Having contact with vicious half sister put me into a hypertensive crisis… blood pressure so high it became life threatening. I actually don’t think many of us live long lives. I’m a perfect example of this. I won’t live long and my abusers will go right on down the road looking like wonderful people and no one will ever know the truth of who they really are and what they did to me. I will be dead and forgotten and everyone will always believe it was me with all the “issues” who was “mentally unstable” and just a bad person. Not one person has ever come to me and asked me my side of the story. Not one!
❤
I understand. Same here. Both myself and my younger brother have serious health issues due to years of extreme stress and like you, the narcissist in our lives, (our mother) went on a decades long smear campaign that at first we knew nothing about but with age she ramped it up. All it took was for us to do our best to live independent normal lives and OMG. And pretty much everyone believed her. A few didn't. A few who felt her wrath and saw that side of her understood. But they still said nothing. We were left to deal with it ourselves. At least we have each other to talk to. And I have a couple of wonderful friends. But it is very tiring and lonely and neither my brother or I expect to live long lives. Which is fine with me because life has been spent just existing and not much else. And if we fell from the face of the earth tomorrow no one would notice because we have only been empty shells of where a human used to be for what feels like forever. Sending you hugs. I get what you are saying.
Returning to faith in Jesus Christ has brought peace and even joy to me as I also am facing end of life. I urge you to do the same. 🙏
Felt this deeply. Can completely relate. I'm terribly sorry you experienced such a miserable life and ended up sick from it. The injustice of it all is staggering.
I hope you can find peace somehow. I hope that for myself too. You know your truth. You know how terrible your family was. Somehow, that has to be enough.
I'm just a stranger on the internet, but I believe you. My heart goes out to you. We didn't deserve this. We wouldn't have chosen this. I wish you all the best.
It is the Heros Journey
Fears we assume are normal emotions
Now you say, yes, i believe this too! It is an eye-opener, though, the awareness of these thoughts!
Good one. Yes.
I had 2 Narcs as parents. They hated each other and resented me for being the 'reason" they had to come together and stay together. Could they find a way to stay together but live separate lives and raise the children well? No. Nope. Bcos they were very immature
yup & when we don't have them, we freak out. wtf is up with that?!
@@SusanLlewellyn-pp2xnyup
Omg Jerry- I cannot believe how accurate you are. I was in the mental health field for 15 years, and seeing “behind the curtain” of this field has nearly ruined my ability to get help for myself and my husband. More often than not, I have seen horrible therapists who just “don’t get it”- no one even talks about narc abuse until recently. My whole life would have been different had this information and even just the acknowledgement been available when I was younger. I realize as I’m writing this, I’m exhibiting exactly what you are discussing.
I’ve been in therapy for 25 years. I NEVER met someone that truly speaks to this experience. I’ve recently had an experience with my pcp that was my “final straw” in losing trust with providers. I have felt so defeated that no one knows enough about this to understand and help me, and my husband. We are both victims of this type of abuse. Thank you so much for doing these videos and webinars. I just found you and I’m just so thankful
Same here. Eventually I became ill physically. Now I'm awake but have no choices. It is difficult to know what a difference this knowledge would have had, had I known even a decade ago. ✌️
@bereal6590 me too- all my life I’ve been getting stress induced illness. Now I have 2 chronic illnesses, with excruciating pain, both caused by excessive stress.
"Start doing poorly". Never would I have thought of that. "It will get better". That's the best advice I've heard all year. Thank you Gerry.
I like this. Gives me permission to begin
Love that!
His name is Jerry
What really hurts is when you put up boundaries and become firmly yourself, and then they say your “tone” is now “wrong”. 😢 I can’t win. Can’t say I’ll miss any of them after all they put me thru. Such utter blindness. But I do know no matter how they treat me”me” it is NOT me because obviously I am their blind spot n they NEVER saw “me” at all.
Yes, I am a “foreigner in my own family, and a stranger to my own mother’s children” King David in Psalm 69:8
Yeah, i'm sorry man tat's how they are, in essence Narcistic people have more of the devil-like characters and emotions than normal human beings, and would you expect the devil to stop hurting you when you asses your boundaries? No i don't think so. For me, it helps thinking of my narcististic father in that way.
Truth tellers aren’t rewarded but discarded
If they're saying your tone is "wrong" then you must be doing something right 😂😂 Yay you and we'll done ~
Yup. Same with me. It's awful. Today, I felt back to when I was 14-years-old.
I don't know how to relax or be calm! I'm 66 yrs & feel I have ADHD & CPTSD! Mother has passed 5 yrs ago and I had no contact 9 yrs before her death. 50 yrs of abuse & I feel it still haunts me! She was a cruel person.
Relocating to Nature Island in the Caribbean solved the problem for me
No crime and so much love by these people
We have been living in survival mode our entire life. That doesn`t stop even if they are gone. I was so wrong when I thought this.
@NortherngirlAnnK You are so correct! All these years I never thought that would be possible after Mom's death! Hope you have a wonderful holiday & thank you for your wise words! Happy Holidays!
I was made a black sheep because of my independent streak. My parents didn't want me join the US Army and I did. I went to college and my parents didn't like it. I got the ire of my parents for buying a used car. I'm convinced my parents wanted me to be homeless and riding a bicycle so they could feel superior to me by living in their houses with their new cars. That's why I've been no contact with them for many years. There's no point for me to speak to them just to hear their insults because I love myself too much to put myself through that abuse.
I can relate. My mother constantly, covertly, wanted me to succeed, but each time success was on the horizon, she belittled me for it. Result: I never reached my entire ability to succeed.
@@Selah1141, there's a paradox to it. You're supposed to reflect positively on them. That's all the talk about success. But when it is actually about to happen, they realize it would be about you and not them, and they want to call it off. Also, they believe that your actions are energized by them, so they credit themselves for your near success and will blame you for your failure. In their mind there exists a possibility that even your eventual success would be about them, but it just didn't work out yet. That's actually the success you failed to achieve, from their point of view, not your own success.
Your quote “anything worth doing is worth doing poorly” I think saved my life. It allowed me to push through the feelings of inadequacy and shame so I can actually be consistent in anything long enough to where I ACTUALLY felt and saw results. Thank you for your wisdom. 🙏
I am a 60 woman who was the family scapegoat. My three older brothers and narc mother ruled the chaos. My dad was an alcoholic. Thought I got lucky when I married my present husband 35 years ago only to realize I married my mother. I was blessed with two beautiful kids but felt unable to get close. My son took his life 6 years ago claiming he wasn't loved. I appreciate these wonderful but sad videos but I am truly stuck. I am currently unemployed and financially dependent on a spouse that admits it's just a marriage of convenience. Not looking for any feedback, just tired of keeping quiet.
💔❤️🩹♥️
✨️🌻✨️
💔
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤Sending so much love your way!❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Sending internet hugs to you.
You were needed as a therapist more than you were needed as a lawyer! You have a true calling. It’s spooky how I identify with the symptoms listed at the top of the video. I said OMG to all but one. I know now that I am not alone.
It’s uncanny, isn’t it?!
My core was damaged. Its getting better ..not a quick fix but yes the right map...the map my parents kept destroying 😢.
Mine too, it's a long hard journey, but it will be worth it
My entire existence I have NOT been able to speak to my father about ANYTHING for more than a word or two before he stops me and screams his own thoughts on how I’m wrong, or lying, or ignorant etc. No matter the situation, he already has his mind made up and I just need to be quiet and listen to him. I’m 45 years old and this stuff is WORSE now than when I was a child. FOR EXAMPLE- When I was 16, I got in a car accident…a fender bender at worst. He instantly became violently angry and told me I got in that accident BECAUSE I was SHOWING OFF to my friends and driving crazy… Regardless of how incorrect that is, there is NOTHING I can say to explain what actually happened. It SUCKS so so badly
You may feel old, yet you are still young( at least compared to me), SO I say to you , separate from Him now. Start/continue working on your Self. You have time left to learn to love your self!!!
@ Thank you Denise for the kind and encouraging words. I wish all the best to you.
Merry Christmas
Many of the fears mentioned have actually come to happen in my past. There was no awareness of narcissistic abuse, there wasn't even the internet back then, just self-help books. I still think I won't live as long as either of my parents (they both lived to 89). But at the very least, I am at a point in life where I won't let my future be a repeat of my past.
I’m 66 & hoping not to live as long as them!
@@caroleminke6116 My cat agrees with your cats! 🐱
I had to confont my fears just to come here and listen to this one. I'm glad I did.
My deepest fear is they'll continue to convince others I'm crazy
@@sarahpinho1114 Oh, I'm sure they're doing that to me. But, my victory is that I don't care anymore. That took a lot of work.
I have it the opposite way. I am trying to convince everyone I am crazy, but in a very interesting way and struggling to get on top of it, but I don't believe anyone is interested.
Sheesh. So many fears I never realized I have or had…thank you for bringing them to light!! 🙏🏾
Thank you for being you Jerry! Thank you for being wise! and communicating to the world your hard-won wisdom!
I love the, “it’s ok to self-differentiate badly - or do something you love badly,”. I played the guitar and sang at the same time - for the first time- at an open mic night VERY BADLY! It made me happy and people were supportive - can’t wait to do it again. Thank you Jerry!
I am old, do not know you
BUT BRAVO !! YOU GO GIRL! BE PROUD OF YOU !
I'm so glad you didn't become a brain surgeon. I need to hear and use everything you have to say. Thank you!!!
Jerry, your commitment to helping others is commendable. It's apparent that your passion stems from your personal journey as well as your professional one. Rest assured that your potential regrets in career choice are minuscule when considering the scale of your positive impact on others. Kudos for finding a contributory mechanism of your personal struggles.
I spent my life trying to save my relationship with my dad in spite of his mistakes, I thought time could sort everything out. After 28 yrs nothing changed. My fault, but I now know of what a narcissistic personality means: grief and he will never change
Very insightful, Jerry thank you.
My fear is that my narcissistic mother will live forever. Caring for her in late years is difficult. To show love and care for her that I never experienced. But I feel guilty seeing her in her misery as a bitter, lonely, clueless 93 yr old without 1 friend or other family member. Yes, it was a wasted life
I find it kinda funny, i find it kinda sad, the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had. It’s like me and Mr Wise are synching up. It’s taking me this long to feel my deep fears and realize how they are controlling me. I’m healing y’all. Slow and steady. Ready to get my life back 100%. Join me, no? Best wishes to everyone on the journey!
tears for fears .... i get it .. i obviously related to those lyrics
❤❤❤ you are a wonderful teacher and really wise !!! Thanks 1000times for your calm and brilliant explanation !
What is it like to be shown genuine kindness without the usual conditional attachments or ulterior motives? 🐐
Disorienting, if you're not used to it. I know people wish to hear "it's wonderful", but at least initially it isn't.
My fear is that i will be judged for my no contact and so never meet a partner that understands (or wants to understand) my feelings and situation.
Go, don't fear, you will be helping your self.
Jerry, you're SO accurate. Most of this is my life in a nutshell. I'm no contact.
Hello, sir. I'm purposely commenting before I watch this video; the reason for this is that, at 47 years old, I recently returned to stay at my childhood home for personal reasons. The narcissistic abuser with whom I grew up (my father) is long gone - he has been since I was 18. I've lived a relatively healthy, stable adult life, with the help of therapy and occasional medication. However, I've found myself significantly disintegrating mentally and emotionally in the months since I've been here, and yesterday evening, I had a panic response to being startled that was so intense I could barely find my way out of it. My journal from last night sits beside me, yet I hope that in commenting here prior to watching your video, I will avoid self-confirmation bias and remain as open as possible to your insights. Thank you for all that you do.
I absolutely believe that objects and places hold a lot more than we give credit to. That being said, continue journaling and doing self-care (whatever that looks like for you - teas, bubble baths, reading, taking walks) double down on the self-care and try to only be in the house/rooms that give you the most trouble, as much as necessary. I would take walks, be out of the house as much as possible. If you have places that bring you more peace, go there as much as possible. The garden, a park, library etc. I'm speaking from my own experience and just wanted to share what has helped me, in case any of the tips help you even a little bit. 🫶🏻❤️🩹💯
Being back in your childhood home may have "awakened" wounded young parts of you who might not know that time has passed and that your body has grown all the way up and that there are choices available now that were not possible while growing up in that home. Maybe you can try to speak silently or out loud to the young wounded places in you, letting them know that you are an adult now, the father is gone and you will keep them safe.
@@annemurphy8074 Thank you for caring. This sounds like a wise practice, and I will make time to do that tonight ❤.
@@lauriefaber6627 You're welcome. It really has helped all parts of me immensely. It's not a magic fix, it is an ongoing process and challenge but so worth it. ❤
Dear Teacher Wise, You have named all my issues in this and many other videos. You have helped me tremendously. My life feels more like my own every time I listen to your wisdom. Thank you
Wow, thank you
Just learning the word Reactivity @age 60! 2 years no contract with mother father brother sister! All horrible , abusive narcs!
I'm at a year plus of no contact with my dad and his second wife. Now my brother that's not talking to me likely due to their putting pressure on him because I am no longer in the family picture and they need someone to be the scapegoat for everything they screw up in life.
Just a guess, but things add up a little too well most days now that my brother is not talking to me.
Blessings from Sweden 🇸🇪
Stort tack för att du tittade på och kommenterade min video. Varma hälsningar från Indiana USA. Jerry
I changed my name for healing. Each name was on love. This year, my husband of 47 years is my cousin. His 8th GGmother is a sister to my 6th GGmother.
Our bond is much tighter.
"Give yourself what your parents never gave you" is what Dr. Phil said on tv.
"Fear of continuing the cycle with myself and my family."
This is so incredibly painful. I was barely scratching the surface of abuse and narcissism when one of my children, who I later realized was allied with my ex and also abusive, lied to her siblings to protect herself. It’s a classic "if I had known then what I know now."
I ended up alienated from all of my children. The circumstances were such that reconciliation is more than a little bit unlikely. It breaks my heart, because there are things I wish I could say to each one of them.
On the other hand, I recognize now that the entire family used me as a scapegoat. If they hadn’t, they wouldn't have believed their sister's lies. I'm not sure I would accept an offer of reconciliation.
That leaves me knowing that the pattern is going to continue, and there's not a goddess blessed thing I can do about it.
All I can do is mourn and find my peace with it.
You bring us such clarity. Your approach gives us more "internal actions" rather than analyzing our issues away. Such wisdom. You suggested Margaret Paul's book. I'm very grateful. You have been Blessed to share so much with us. Thank you.
You are so welcome
Anyone watching who may still have the choice to have children and r afraid #8, please please do not let the narc take this opportunity away frm you. At a very young age i determined not to ever have children for fear of damaging them. You dont want to miss out on a family like i did.
As far as my own life is concerned these are facts not fears. Until now at 46 i have lived all my life with those thoughts like being an obvious reality.
It amazes me how accurate you are in your work. Are you human?Are you an Angel?
He is anointed!!!
This is really where i am at. My whole 42 years Spot on. Thanks for bringing it up Jerry
Thank you dear Jerry, for making this visible! Yes! No one understands this!
You're very welcome
Do it poorly! 😫🙌🏽 that's beautiful. I know you've said it b4! Xoxo thank you
I just " heard it" sunk in.
Thank you dear Jerry.
From Cynthia Ann in JANESVILLE, WI
Jerry, new subscriber here. Could you please address the panic attacks and crying jags that we can get caught up in while struggling to heal as adult children of narcissistic parents? They can be especially debilitating and leave one exhausted in their wake. Thank you.
When they do that just call them out on their BS and mock them. Their fake victim crap dies real fast when exposed and mocked openly. 😁
@@mrsqueakthecat.8061 am speaking of the adult child themselves suffering from panic and crying jags. But, I agree, narc parents can raise the roof with their tantrums.
Panic attacks have to do with early pre-verbal anxiety when Narcs arent available to the baby. The baby experiences this as panic - primal fear.
I think what is happening is analogous to the wound healing frm a raging infection that had to be lanced. All the bad stuff we carried around is coming out. It hurts. Good luck on yr healing. You r not alone. It will get better❤
@@SoulSeeker2025, how about extreme dissociation? Years ago I was at a hardware store, just standing next to a shelf, when I suddenly felt like I ceased to exist. It took me a few minutes to again start remembering where I was and what I was looking for. But who am I? Maybe the sum of my skills and experiences? Theologically a person can also be the sum of his acquired and gifted virtues. But those don't really make me feel like I knew what to do next.
One thing I never feared was her dying, our loving father died in our tweens, but losing her as well was a wonderful feeling, there was a bit of guilt over that, but she’s nearing her 9th decade and we do fear not seeing a day free of her grip.
It's like you have an inside view of our thoughts. It's reaffirming. That's why I'm a huge advocate of professionals in the mental health profession. Sharing these feelings with the wrong person can make things worse. These videos are super helpful in letting us know we are not crazy, we are not alone and most importantly, we can overcome trauma and live happy, fulfilling lives.
I tried to make my point and set the boundary and my covert narc dad put up his moral high ground and his innocent victim face calling me inhuman : saying "I don't want to argue with you, you aren't even sounding human." He is a genius of his art. Everyone considers him a kind man. 😢
Their brains is significantly altered. No contact necessary
All of these are my life. I fear that if you don't escape during your formative years of your early 20s, these aren't false beliefs but facts of life. The pandemic caused #5 which led to #10 for me. Now I'm about to turn 40. The next 5-10 years don't look good. I'm going to be in my 50s before I can start living.
Thank you, Jerry, for your true profound guidance. Indeed, our narcissist mother was vindictive with our father's estate legacy, though not as much as I thought she would. That said, she made sure her golden children -- who were just like her -- were in charge of the estate, and they've thoroughly destroyed it due to their enmeshment and codependence with her, their desperate financial states and need for money.
Seeking out peaceful and nurturing people, spending time with them in lieu of my parents and siblings, helped immensely regardless of my emotional state. Reaching out to help others, as quietly and anonymously as possible, has helped me grow beyond my parents and siblings. I also learned to appreciate that I don't matter, and it's going to be OK.
Jerry Jerry Jerry … THIS VIDEO WAS MADE FOR ME !!! I have dealt with anxiety all my life and get so MAD at myself that I can’t shake it and get over it. Now I see that it’s been the YEARS dealing with my NARC family and just learned this year I’m a Codependent and what it means. That I realize I internalize all the chaos of my family always trying to keep the peace but, then after my Dad’s passing getting blamed for the mess of how the estate was handled. Ooh boy .. that almost took Me out 20 years ago. So that sent Me seeking help first to the Lord and then counselors but . Still struggled . Your videos has set the light bulb off and I know it’s God saying it’s time Shelly to keep working toward a peaceful and joyful Life with the Family that I WANT in my Life. 🥰 Thank YOU Thank YOU
All true and I haven’t been in a relationship for years but I am deeply damaged. I would like this to change with the right person in the near future. Certainly not with another narcissist. I have attracted horrible relationships with awful l people in the past.
Become the new you for yourself 💔❤️🩹♥️
Most definitely.
MAN THIS SOUNDS BETTER YOU SAYING IT THAN APPLYING THIS TO MY LIFE...LIFE ALREADY SEEMS OVERWHELMING NOW I HAVE TO ADD ON BEING EMOTIONAL, MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY HEALTHY AND UNRAVELING ALL THIS ABUSE 😳😳😳😳😳😳
I grew up an only child in a hellish house of aggressively alcoholic parents. Everything you say rings true to life with my experience. However, life also has a way of evening things out later on. I did not have much of a life as a child and young adult, but encountered some fortuitous breaks later on that helped me look past it. We have to be on the lookout for the good as well as the bad aspects of life. We also need to make an extra effort to live our lives as ethically as possible, because we are treading around the edges of a personally hole that careless vices can sink us back into.
Wow, I am grateful for all the work you’ve done and the way you articulate these different points so well. I can totally relate to almost every one of the thoughts that you unpack in this video. Thank you for making sense of so much.🌟💕
Thank you! Im 41…and learning to heal. You have been a great help!
This is one my favorite videos! Thank you for more healing strategies 🙏
Thank you deeply I couldn't have made it the last 2 days/ nights with out listening to you & reading your words.
Severe physical pain, brought back a fight with the major depression that had been dealt with.
Thank you .❤
Thanks for all your work Jerry. I have a Father that was fvkng mean and abusive..my mother a narcissists. Now I see how much damaged I did to my two kids. I feel so bad
.
Thanks for this Jerry. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who can identify with all these examples.
I see Mr. Wise as a kind Santa for all adults went through on narc. families. Thank you Mr. Wise 🙏🏻 Your work is highly appreciated.
It really stinks to be aware of these fears but believe that they are common to all humans. I can attest that these fears were real and were made manifest in my lifetime (except for the never parts, still alive).
Two of the simple questions I ask myself that have helped me feel calm instead of anxious or depressed are: What am I feeling? Why am I feeling this?
I took cognitive behavioral therapy for a while and it seemed to make things worse by invalidating my real experiences. For example, mind reading, catastrophizing, should vs want, black and white thinking, etc. What actually helped was acknowledging that sometimes I do know what someone is thinking, things are at the brink of doom, ppl should act a certain way and I am ok with wanting that, and some people are just bad and they’ll drag you down with them.
My fears were real. It’s like waking up and realizing I was in a horror movie. Then I was able to make it into an action comedy by integrating and trusting my feelings. Regained my agency and sense of self.
Number 8 has been my biggest fear, and the reason I waited to be a parent until I was 30 years old. But it was also the reason I sought out good parenting advice. I knew I did not learn good parenting strategies from my parents. Scary thought...passing on the dysfunction I inherited.
It’s not fears, it real effects. Really wasted life.
What about us who wanted to waste our lives and be nothing but are now being forced into success now that we are out of the abuse cycle? 🤔
In many ways, I have broken the cycle of abuse in my family. The violence that terrorized me is something my kids do not know. Of course, I have made mistakes, but I can only apologize, and then do better.
I have been divorced from my daughter’s father for thirty years, yet he’s relatively recently stalked me here, and without identifying himself, he insisted I had not broken any cycle, and that he was trying to hold me accountable. I realized who he was, but haven’t seen him since. He and my son’s father would not help me keep our house, because they hated me more than they loved their kids. They’ve remarried, and now ignore them, and treat them as though they are not part of their family.
The reason I say all this is that there may be people in your family, or who are friends, who take the side of someone who abused you. Write them off. Forget they exist. You don’t have to continue to be belittled and hurt by people who don’t want to know the truth. You deserve much better.
#8 Continuing the cycle is my greatest fear. Thankfully, I can point out times where I broke the cycle with my own children, and this helps flip the script in my mind.
Jerry Wise, I seem to have more anger than fear. Is anger just a product of a bunch of fears added up together?
Me too 😢😢😢
The fear of losing yourself in a relationship (including a workplace) and of not being able to achieve self differentiation is well founded. So many 'friends', partners and employers/colleagues want to be your guru. It reminds me of Emma Watson's character in the movie The Circle. She finds herself again when she goes sea kayaking... which is an activity that her employer disapproves of, because when people spend time on their own they can reflect. Same thing with reading, journaling, drawing, or even stretching: the narcisses in your life will try to interrupt you...
I need to remember to work on being emotionally detached first before going no contact. I am close to moving out of my toxic environment now.
One of your best, Jerry! And again, your growing skill at becoming more concise is much appreciated.
I appreciate that!
Thank you so much. Respect! Maria from Greece. Never is too late?
New years resolution - treating myself to coaching sessions with Jerry in Q1 or Q2! Best gift to myself ever!
Thank you Jerry and wishing you a very Blessed and Merry Christmas🎄🙏🏼💕. Thank you for all the wisdom you share, it is priceless. Your video “calmness is everything” was life changing for me!
Come on Jerry you gotta get those short videos out! Little sound bites. How to survive/deal with your family this Christmas. Hope you dont mind the suggestion, your videos have helped me so much over the years. Wanted to pass a little back. Merry Christmas Jerry, thanks for all you do!
My problem is my thinking. My thinking was cultivated in my family of origin due to fear. My mother suffered from BPD (she became an incest survivor at 15 years old). No one in the family challenged her to the point that she wanted to change. Her problems were everyone else's fault. I'm almost 68. My late mother passed away on 1/21/2007 (almost 18 years ago). I need to change how I initially think about myself. I miss "red flags" most of the time because of self-doubt, low self-esteem, inability to advocate for myself in conflict situations. I feel I've missed out on so much because of lack of autonomy, lack of self-differentiation, and enmeshment. I still grieve my losses. When does the grief end? The previous generation has passed on. I was not taught basic life skills. There is so much I lost.
Thanks, your videos are very helpfull. I do not watch all of them, I choose topics I feel the more accurate to my situation and needs and it helps me to point at the root of what makes me feel so bad and confused with myself and others and helps me to build my true self and get out of this mess that destroyed my life. I don't know if what I mean is clear, English is not my native language, but your experience brings me a lot.
Been Homeless for 4 years since I stupidly called out the narc parent here in the UK - this whole thing has been so brutal! - I have all these ALL OF THEM-
Needed that! I didn't knew that, well, ALL of these thoughts/fears come from that!! Unbelievable
100 simply wanting out of the mix. you totally nailed it
20:35 that's so true I need love right now whether I can change or not 😮 profound. I Am changing for the better but yes unconditional love is needed
Oh, never had unconditional love from people nor from myself.
Only The Lord's unconditional Love.
So lonely. But I should not be lonely with The Lord.
Why do I feel lonely ?
I don't need fake people.
Animals give unconditional love, also.
My mom has had a severe hygiene issue for years since childhood. Now that my dad passed. She is trying to manipulate me and guilt me into allowing her to move in with me and my family. No one in the family (siblings) cares how that will affect my family (wife and kids). These are the same people who enable her by not telling her the truth. Its as if they're trying to punish me for being successful and buying a new home.
Thank you so much! Cheers from Germany
Jerry,
Why do ACONs so detached and disconnected. I've always felt like an adopted child, cant relate with my family and most other people too. Any thoughts or theoretical understandings?
Yowza, I needed this today!
Oh snap! You mean I'm aloud to feel, to think & to have my own opinion and way of doing things. To love unconditionally and not like taught... conditionally. Hmmm WOW this is good news. But, how much more can I deprogram after 61 years?
Jerry. Thank you. You have described my mother, in previous videos, and every video I watch I learn even more about me. So. Appreciate your work!
Thank you for sharing your brilliant observations and giving excellent advice. 😊 God bless you ❤
Amazing video. And I never knew those specific fears were so common! Thank you Jerry ❤
thanks for your content, Jerry. it's been very helpful in my recovery process ❤
You are so welcome
Thank you so MUCH Jerry!!!
You are very welcome
Thank you, this was spot-on
I can relate to all of these fears. Thank you for this video.
You're so welcome!
Excellent! Information with great depth and value