INFJs and Aging Narcissist Parents
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- Опубліковано 6 січ 2025
- INFJ personality types and INFP personality types frequently struggle with caregiving for an aging narcissist parent. This is a very difficult situation to be in with a close family member, especially a parent, because the INFJ or INFP must be in regular contact with the narcissist, and with all of their dysfunctional behavioral patterns.
Added to this is the fact that, for most INFJ personality types and INFP personality types who grew up with a narcissistic parent, they have never felt truly seen or validated by the parent. This pattern of feeling dismissed, ignored, mocked, or shamed, only becomes stronger as the parent reaches old age. Narcissists are often arrested at a certain early stage of development, and they do not grow past that stage of emotional immaturity. As they age, the dysfunctional energy patterns they use to defensively protect their fragile egos become calcified, and their toxic personality traits become entrenched.
This results in a deep sense of sorrow and disappointment for INFJ personality types and INFP personality types who are caretaking an aging narcissist parent, and still subconsciously wishing that things were different, and that the parent could see and value them for who they really are. However, narcissists at any age are incapable of extending unconditional love to other people, and so, trying to receive this kind of love from them is always a losing battle.
The way to make peace with this situation with an aging narcissistic parent is to work with letting go of getting your needs met by them. Enlisting support and connecting with those who do see us and value us for the people we are is also essential.
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Waking up and realizing my mother was never going to change after the decades of trying to reason with her, I cut ties 8 years ago. Best decision of my life. I still have days where I wonder if she thinks about me, if she even cares that I'm gone, but when I look at how happy my child and spouse are without her in our lives, it's worth it. She didn't protect me as a child, she didn't care for me as an adult and even tried to repeat the cycle with my child. It hurts to break free and society frowns upon it, but it is, for me at least, the best decision I made. Good luck out there. You're worth more than what they give you.
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It's hard for me to cut the ties because I don't have a spouse or child, but I also decided to do it anyway. My mother was like my child, the enmeshment was so toxic and psychological abuse was really constant. I decided to cut ties to protect my mental health.
❤️🔥I hope I never see that woman again.
Radical acceptance matters. Set realistic expectations for them. They're never going to change.
Well put. I thought mine might change a little but she never did and the illness of dementia just made everything worse. Part of our job is to see this and accept it for what it is.
Or walk away from it and let them be taken care of by professionals. This is how I look at it now .
Dealing with parents who just want to control your life is very difficult especially if they interfere with the relationship and you end up alone because the way they control things isn't a healthy situation not for them
Or is a kid or an adult we need to grow and choose people who align with our personality
My narcissistic mother lived to 92. I felt really validated when you said we have a sense of duty, an interest in growth and we want to help even if they never helped us.
This described me to a T.
I'd had a much loved cat who reached a stage where the vets said they couldn't cure her but could make her comfortable for as long as she had left. We made her own cat food from internet recipes, took her (at her request) on trips outside to roll in leaves and sniff grass. She had always been a contented indoor cat. I had previously contacted a lady called the Pet Undertaker for when the time came and when that time arrived she was taken in a car to a pet resting place in the beautiful Lake District.
When I realised my mother was nearing the end my husband was also dying in hospital but I thought she and I could have 'precious time' together like I'd had with my cat. I thought that, as my mother would be the centre of attention it would suit her too........ Well! She was the worst she'd ever been and that's saying something. I faced a barrage of insults on day one followed by five days of running around obeying her non-stop demands with her showing zero respect or gratitude. I fleetingly thought maybe she should go into a care home before realising no care home would put up with this stuff.
My sense of duty made me stay but once I got out of her house the penny dropped. She was and always had been uncaring and there was no love between us. None.
I vowed I would never again put myself through anything like that. She was my mother nearing the end of life and all other family members had died by then. I would still look out for her and be surface pleasant but I too had stopped caring. We were just two completely different people. The only slight saving grace is that I have a form of ADHD and people with NPD find ADHD people really difficult because they can't be controlled and have a strong sense of self. So although I was accommodating at least I was a bit difficult!
Thank you for this video! The six of us took care of her the last year of her life. She had dementia. I worked on healing with a psychologist during this timeframe. i am glad you are tackling this issue.
Lauren, you are spot on with this information.! Thank you SO MUCH for this!❤❤❤
Lauren! Was just thinking of you ❤❤❤🎉 Thank you for another gem!
This comes about several years too late for me, but it's a very important thing you're doing, Lauren. You are absolutely right, they won't change, not even at the end. In fact, my narc mom invested so many years into building her sycophant army, she never had to be nice to me. I've often wondered if INFP/Js aren't born this way, but rather forged from these circumstances. I'd like to add that once they die, the grieving process can be longer and more arduous than expected. Be patient and gentle with yourself and eventually you can feel the relief of it. ❤🩹
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❤ thank you
Yes we are made from their abuse . Once my dad died I was sad for a short time until I realized he didn’t love me . I am the only one who can love me like a parent. My mom’s next . I do hope she passes when I am not home or around . I took care of her my entire life . I did enough I feel . Now it’s my time to take care of me
It was after I was 40 years old that I was able to name (narcissistic abuse) what my foster mother did to me all my life. In my case, I only have one son. She was my whole family, since she took care of always keeping me away from her whole family. I could never abandon her and when she died, I thought I was also dying but I felt that I took a huge stone off of me. It's been 7 years since she died and I've treated, but I know I haven't been able to heal. I always waited for her approval and I have always felt such a great love for her, but that's how great I feel the resentment.
I'm entp in the same predicament. She's only early 50s and I'm the only child so not sure how to protect myself while prividing her with the basic minimum she provided for me. A roof over the head and the food on the table.
Where can I find your link to the class? I’m a 61 yr old INFJ woman caring for a 77 yr old narcissist husband. Whew…Your content is SO validating
Mom's Alzheimer's diagnosis has made things easier in the end. She's not as mean as she used to be. And there is less of an expectation to cater to her feelings and opinions. I bring her food and she's good. I am even happy when she gets mean once in a while, because it's a window into the past. It's not always easy but somehow it has made the relationship better. I guess I can be more checked out emotionally.
well, this is the 2nd for this month!
This will be a valuable video for my infj daughters when they older - I am an infj male so I am use to struggles but I got this 😂😂😂
@@jjx5402 it’s very simple. I always expected. I would only have daughters. I’m not a manly man and I’m very consistent with what I do with my kids so my guess is that between the genetics and the environment I cultivated that perfect petri dish for this occurrence.
FYI, my youngest is an extrovert sensor but she is stil too yoing for the test but I would bet mkney in it
So car rides are very interesting for long distances but we have great discussions
@@jjx5402 it’s a combination of genetics and environment but finding yhat right combination is extremely rare.
Do u have kids? R u older or younger; 42 here
@@jjx5402 I began to notice my oldest has jnfj tendencies around 8/9 so when second one started showing around same time kinda gave me better understanding of what to look for
@@jjx5402 I understand that concern but I would say that if they are the best u can do is prepare them for their uniqueness.
My oldest went through a period where she went full hermit mowed for a couple years. That’s when I had to find out about her type because she was really struggling with the differences between her and everybody else now my second one is going through the same thing.
I’ve learned that the best way to deal with the NFJ is pure acceptance and that’s what I’m teaching my girls to survive in this messed up world.
Teaching them about how to protect themselves and not be aware of peolle taking advantage.
The world needs people like us, but I understand the fear
@@jjx5402 I get that fear but the world is people like us if your child is an INFJ. The best thing you could do is to teach them to accept it. It’ll help them survive this world.
What infj n infp ?
The amount of time that took you to write this question on UA-cam could've been spent on a simple Google search.