12 Ways To Identify Narcissistic Parents
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- Опубліковано 29 тра 2024
- One of the easiest ways to determine the extent of a person's narcissism is to watch how they handle positions of authority. Parenting has a built-in authority role, meaning it can reveal many of a person's narcissistic tendencies. Dr. Les Carter identifies 12 of the most common ways parents can display narcissistic traits, then he discusses how you can proceed if you have been exposed to it.
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My highly narcissistic parents takes “standing up for myself” as disobeying them.
That how people think when they insist upon conformity, no questions allowed.
They often define terms to their benefit. My (estranged, narcissistic) wife kept a long list of those who had abused her. Reflecting, I’ve come to realize that “abuse” to her, is anything she didn’t like, or anyone who didn’t treat her the way she expected (or demanded) to be treated.
I was told that grandmothers took precedence by my now estranged mother. I was standing up for my son whom she hit and I called her out on it. This is the woman who would during my childhood threaten to put me up for adoption, she was "so in love with me".
Mine too! Setting boundaries for myself they see as the ultimate betrayal. They throw temper tantrums and act like little children. Very manipulative, but I’m standing firm now. I’m almost 45 they need to respect me now or else I’m going no contact.
Being assertive to my mother was interpreted by her as disobedience, being awkward and contrary. An alternative opinion, based on the facts of the situation, was just not allowed.
Narc parents will demand "truth" from children, but will only accept the answers they want to hear. I've said it before and I'll say it again: THOSE TYPES TEACH CHILDREN TO LIE....because the children know that the truth the parents don't want to hear will be met with derision and/or punishment.
Oh yes, lying had to be a way of life at home, my older cousins taught me so that I could survive. They knew mom was paranoid about so many things, she had been their babysitter, and they literally sat me down and explained the sitch.
Thank you for that pearl of Truth. It frees me of 5 generations of narcissistic guilt trips in response to my authenticity. Craziness.
So true I lie to my mother about small things too because I know she is going to get on my nerves if I tell her the truth. It is not worth the hassle to tell her the truth she is on a need to know basis with me.
I perpetually lied and bet my hand on the slim chance I might escape the beating and humiliation, for when I told the truth, I was beaten and mentally abused for sometime after, anyway by both parents. I was scared of the belt, bruising, blackened eyes, vase smashing upon my head, punches to the stomach, always "the runt and the retard" and "I'm gonna knock you through that wall", B grades not good enough, yelling, being handed $20 and then packing own my suitcase to pound pavement at 8 and 10 years of age, getting hung on the clothes hook of my bedroom door while I'm still in my shirt, giving our bikes away, no dances and no proms.
I was scared all the time and had a distrust of adults and problems with authority until my early 30s. Believed I deserved that treatment for awhile. My sister and brother began getting the treatment after I moved out and joined the Navy. Home as my constant sorrow until I left.
I didn't do that with my kids. I don't hate my parents. I forgave them, and they matured. They were 20 and 18 when arrived.
@@la6136 Or because you already know that they'll have a negative opinion because they always think the worst of you, so what's the difference?
My 95 year old mother is a mean girl toddler. A little bundle of misery that one. Unbeknownst to her Dr. Carter has led me to my place of peace. She annoys me but doesn't consume me anymore. I finally figured out how to deal with her without sacrificing my self worth and esteem. I feel sorry for her and who she's chosen to be. She's a mess morally, ethically and spiritually.
Till death do us part.❤
My mother was diagnosed Borderline and she told me around 1982. It was still fairly new and she couldn't explain it. I wish I knew then what I know now.❤
That is the highest level of healing well done it’s so peaceful not to be consumed by these personalities anymore especially as our parents. I used to feel so stuck thinking I have to accept abuse because it’s “family” but once I became indifferent and stopped caring I was freed. Ironically they become the victims when they notice that you have healed from their abuse. Ignore it and always know yourself by reminding yourself about who you are and self reflecting on self which is easy to do but not for oppressive personalities. You would rather stay away and live in peace.
Dealing with these people is just horrible!! They are disgusted by everyone's happiness. My 88 yr old mom is jealous, controlling and throws temper tantrums in my car whenever I take her places. Enablers tell me, its dementia. Yea, dementia does not last 40 yrs!
My 85 year old mother is narcissistic. Luckily, my sisters and I figured her out early on and put our heads together to figure out how to grow up without letting her ruin our lives. There was strength in numbers! We still shake our heads at her antics.
I had my light bulb moment when i realised that my mom is a covert narcissist. This just happened a few months ago...realizing this truth has set me free from all the confusions that i had from my childhood....
Me too. My lightbulb went on a few years ago. In my 50's. Better late than never.
@@heathervogeley9183 true better to know it than not know and suffer forever....atleast now we know how to handle the situation and the person..
Good luck! I cut my mother after realizing it was all an act for attention and abusing everyone elses emotions. Best decision i ever did in my life! 10 years to this day almost, and it has been much much better
@@Kyle1444 i did the same..
@@sunshine-db2zm Again, good luck. I had the same epiphany, and it made me so disappointed and angry, it was an easy decision for me. I would never be around such a person capable of that. Your comment rang true to me, and i never heard as much as an apology or a question as to why i left. I didnt burn a bridge or said anything i can regret, i just never her contacted again, and she has never reached out to me, because she know, that i know what's up
I didn't realize it as a child, thinking that having mean and angry parents was a normal part of life. As just one example, I remember as a six year old being punished to a paddling and a one week diet of bread and water (no butter or jam) for being too slow to get fire fighting tools from the garage to put out a brush fire my father had caused. I look back many decades later knowing the best revenge on my parents has been being a better role model for my own children and that my adult kids are better role models than me. The cycle has been broken!.
That’s a crazy punishment. 😔
I remember nothing but shouting and arguing at the dinner table. I actually grew up thinking anger was the true person; that happiness was a sham or a fake veneer and the sign of superficiality. I would have a moment of happiness and childlike joy in the back yard, and suddenly a flood of depression and sadness flowed into me, and it took years to realize that wasn't normal.
Congratulations!
I'm so sorry! That is terrible! And indeed breaking the generational crap cycle is so awesome and wonderful! Good on you and uour kids! It is pretty amazing when we can come out of such abuse and be productive and healthy people.
Wow, phenomenally mean #ChildAbuse, I'm so happy for you that you managed to break the cycle too.
I’m 68 and I can still clearly remember my mother telling me when I was 8, “I’m your mother, I don’t have to apologize.” That still hurts.
My mother was/is the same way. We aren't supposed to have feelings or our feelings just don't matter to them. It's like were not human to them. My mother will apologize occasionally but usually has ulterior motives.
😨 yes...I understand. You were so little. Terrible thing to say.
I just recently explained to my parents that I wanted to leave my husband as soon as I was financially able. He is def a covert narcissist and my son and I have been physically and mentally abused for 36 years. I want to break this cycle and protect my granddaughter from this way of life. Although I am 54 yrs old, I would call myself a daddy's girl!! I admire him greatly which is why his words literally broke my heart!! I told him that I had been hit, kicked, and even spit on by my husband. My dad told me that there needed to be one person in a marriage that needed to be stronger and work harder to make things work! I was stunned at his words! I was actually afraid to tell him these things as I thought he would become angry at my husband! Now, when I talk to my dad he doesn't ask if I am OK, he just tells me not to worry and not to argue with my husband!!
She was also incorrect.
@@nursepj6036 ... that is terrible ! ... maybe your dad has BPD or NPD and you never connected the dots ...?
My 95 mother to a T also. She messed me up pretty bad mentally. I’m 59 and she’s 95. She forced Dad into a nursing home when he had legal papers stating “absolutely do not do this”. Dad died last October and his ashes were just interred, we got back from his funeral and she was gutting his closet, throwing everything out. It gutted me to see this. She put the family home up for sale immediately - what he didn’t want to happen. Now that Dad is gone, I have no reason to communicate with any of my siblings or her. This video was very validating, healing and helped undo decades of damage and gaslighting. Much more helpful in 13 minutes here than the 4 decades I spent in therapy and got nowhere. Thank you Dr. Carter.
IMO - For some reason many of us are conditioned to believe we have to accept the cruel behavior no matter what. We don't have to stay in abusive relationships. Is it fear of criticism that keeps some of us stuck in the unhealthy environment?
Identify Narcissistic parents:
1. Conforming and correctness override nurturing
2. Rarely elicts the child's perspective
(no empathy)
3. Accusations without considering context
4. Passive agressive privilege
5. Creates atmosphere of defensiveness
(No peace)
6. Teaching with shaming questions
7. Friendly in public & rude at home
8. Heavy use of a grading system
(good or bad)
9. Lots of telling, not discussing
10. Emotional immaturity
11. Playing favorites (triangulation)
12. Love feels very conditional
*******************************************
What does the child learn?
* fear & distrust
How will the child/teenager grow up?
* calculated and guarded
* grasping too willingly for attachments
* suspression of emotions
* anger can become ugly
_________________________________________
What can you do?
=> Break the circle:
1. Become firmly grounded in what YOU believe (values, standards, priorities etc.)
2. Refuse to continue in subordinate role
3. If necessary, you may need to confront
And be aware that your N. parent did/does operate with her/his own brokenness.
Dr. Carter 👴 and Gus 🐶, thanks for another insightful lesson!
Thank you, Roxy.
Thanks for the list. Seeing it in black and white is seeing my life just without the violence and intimidation. How spot on is dr. C ✌
My mother was a narcissist; She also had double standards, and she made everything about herself and was always the one that suffered the most. I loved her because she was my mother, but she was difficult. I remember never being able to please her, and throughout my entire life she never accepted me for who I was, always wanting me to be like somebody else. I didn't know until a few years ago what a narcissist was. Thank you Dr. Carter.
Mine never showed any joy or gave any validation when it was or is things i like or am good at. Quick to criticise, guilt, shame. Why they think they're great parents is astonishing. I remember my childhood as being 'cold'. As a child you just want to be cherished for who you are and have your parent take an interest. I felt like a doll she liked to dress up despite us not having the same tastes I was dressed in 'frills' and flowery stuff. Still hate frills and flowers to this day
Understand what you are saying... watching setting up kids against each other has destroyed family, and showing utter, complete favoritism and also hatred. Creation of a narcissistic child bc of many, many distorted control issues.
I must add, that it is ESPECIALLY difficult to spot narcissism in parents, that have broken their children in order to live through them.
I actually made a video about this - this kind of narcissist (very often - mother to her son) will NEVER let the child to build personal space (to have his own opinions, his own desires, to have self-respect, even) from day 1 of their life, and instead will "fill the gap" with an endless bond and "love". Basically, the child is broken and paralyzed at a very young age, and the mother becomes a vital prosthetic. The child, even after growing up, believes that he has the best mother in the world, and that she's just helping him because he's "unmotivated", or "she just knows better". These victims don't realize, that they are in slavery, and that their suffering is stemming from their master.
Now, while these type of narcissistic parents are of course using all the gaslighting and manipulation tactics in the book, they also always maintain this "loving emotional connection" (a leash) - since it's a way to have the ultimate control, while staying under the mask of a loving parent.
It is very, very difficult to spot this kind of narcissism, and even more difficult to cut that bond - since it had always been the ground under the victims feet from the moment they were traumatized.
Very well put, that's how it feels for sure, vital prosthetic is the perfect metaphor. The trauma bond. The belief we can't live without them is indoctrinated very early on. It's basically stealing someone else's life. I had no choice but to bond in that way since my father was a violent man. It was the lesser of two evils at the time but now I know it was the worst choice! ✌
You know there is something seriously wrong when your narc mom calls you at work and the sound of her voice makes your stomach churn and sends you immediately to the bathroom! It happened so often that my coworkers would laugh as they knew WHO was calling me. It became the office joke!
"As long as you are living under my roof you will do as I say. My will is stronger than yours my dear....you will never win against me" I was about 10-12 at the time.....
Even when I expressed my disapproval over some demeaning or derogatory remark my father would accuse me being rude and disrespectful when all I was doing was standing up for myself. Respect has to work both ways.
My Mother had no boundaries even once I had reached the age of an adult. She shamed me about my appearance, marriage, beliefs, etc. I was always deemed lacking in one way or another. My sibling and I were always competing for attention and favor. Why would someone deliberately be cruel like that?
Same. I've been asking the same question about my parents. Why and how could they do something so heartless, or even without remorse?
The blatant truth; we may never know. As difficult as it is, you must let them go: mentally, physically, and emotionally. Even that little voice in your head. It's almost like mental torture being around it daily.
Right now, I'm weening myself away from my parents. I could just go cold-turkey but for me, it's way too painful. Very painful. Heart-breaking even. I'm learning that I'm a person, it's okay to have feelings of my own, it's okay to think on my own, it's okay to take care of myself, it's okay to be an adult and it's okay to do things on my own.
@@nighredemption Same for me with my former spouse.. I can hardly stand the words ex husband, I cannot believe that after 40 years I am a divorced person.. It goes through my mind constantly why would he have done that to me on purpose, why would he have never come around to realizing that I was trying to love him. Now that we are separate, he is so nice, like I used to see. He seems amazed that I would think that our years were bad and that he was unkind to me.. Will I ever stop wondering if I just saw that wrong?? I see all the signs and remember all the things he said, and yet he is so different now. I have gone no contact, but that seems to make me feel very weak not being able to be around him.. I try to review things that were said to me, & the way that he acted toward me, so hateful sometimes, when I get to feeling sorry for myself. So so hard to dig out of this hole , but I am so fortunate I have so much family who is trying to help me and just be there for me.
It's simple, they are EVIL.
Similar here. I had a lighbulb moment today after watching this video least a dozen times. I'm over a year in of grief pain hurt and learning now. It hit me that I could distill all their behaviours down to two things. Firstly their lack of insight and lack of being able to come to terms with their own past means that instead of narc parents being reponsible for how a child feels and creating a good environment THIS is reversed and the child is made to be responsible for how THEY FEEL 2) THEY 'groom' their child for this role so that as adult offspring, those adult children will live out what the parent wants in order to fulfil what the parent feels was lacking or needs resolving from their own past. Instead of looking inwards it's all projected outwards and children when young or old are there to fulfil basically what their own parents didn't. All the while they project onto their children who they themselves are and what they wanted. Both mine were toxic to me but because I have more in common with my father there were good events also (when he wasn't raging and aggressive). My mom and I have far less in common and since they won't even try to align with any of our likes or dislikes they pathologize us and our hobbies clothes choices etc... to fit what they needed and wanted. It's about what they wanted and didn't get. They won't validate our successes because to them they're either jealous because they couldn't do something or they'll guilt and manipulate to get us to do what they want because it's still a need in them. Hence they never really know who we are. Neither of my parents really know me. They don't know themselves either. It's all about their past but they don't even realise they're still living it ✌
My life with my narcissistic mother. You nailed everything. No contact since 2013. She is 90 this year. I will never see her again. Not until her funeral service
If I saw my parents after this world, I would think I was in hell.
It has been 12 years no contact with either of my parents for me. It has been both a relief and a source of constant grief for me. I guess I grieve the parents I wish I had.
I won't go to my dad's funeral. I don't ever want to see my two narc sisters again. And yes, I have peace. Never again will I allow such ill treatment. Lesson learned!!
I was often manipulated, by my mom, with Scripture. Honor your mother and father was a particular favorite. It was code for you’re not doing enough for me.
Hi Ann, how’s your day going with you?
Oh my goodness! This sort of thing wasn’t even heard of when I was young, and I am so grateful that you have made your wisdom accessible to young people. I look forward to it.
That is right. What an excellent video it is; one can learn so much from this one talk.
Both my parents are confirmed narcissists, I was their only child. Everything you say is 100% spot on. They're in their late 80's now. They got meaner, more calculating and aggressive in trying to force compliance and domination over me (I have spent most of my life keeping limited contact but am now permanently no contact). Mom is a high level narcissist, dad is covert but they're both equally cruel, punishing and abusive. Because I was an only child mom loved to compare me to my peers, always pitting me as the "loser" in her calculating, chatty way. They bombarded me with their never ending opinions, not caring/arguing/negating/ignoring my views on anything. They wanted me to be impressive but not TOO accomplished. They're highly jealous and don't want to be upstaged..ever. My successes were cause for anger and tantrums or cold and unfair criticism/put downs. They thought I should do and say only what THEY thought and shunned me whenever I didn't comply. I always did things my way anyways. I was a good kid but mom hated..and still hates me. Dad does too because she forced him to think like her through the years (he's very passive/aggressive and withdrawn). In the end their attempts to override my life were/are scary and I let go for good. I blocked them from calling and will get a restraining order if they try to break in my house again. I have a good life thanks to keeping myself in therapy all my life to learn healthy relating and to not be like them. I'm the polar opposite but like you say, trust, fear and getting close are issues of mine. I can be brave but part of me is that scared child who's afraid of being hurt. My boundaries and independence are the tools I use. I loved my parents but they can't love..they aren't wired to..they only use. Love isn't enough. Without respect, kindness and empathy there is no relationship. I am at peace with my choices, and life is good. It's time to heal and grow with the precious energy once used to constantly defend myself.
So truly said.. Thank god ur out of der and at peace ❤🙏 I hope too to get out some day and have no Contact too if possible
@twopurringcats Thank you for writing this. It really helped me a lot to read the validating account of someone who understands my life exactly. Love & peace to you 🕊
Your real thinking doesn't start until your 40s. This is absolutely true for me. I turned 40 this year. I grew up with narc parents (they check off all these 12 tendencies), my older brother is a monster, and I married a covert narc who discarded me last year after twelve years together. All I've ever known are narcs, and I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure these people closest to me out because I know this sort of behavior is not normal or healthy. I am determined not to end up like them, and learning has indeed been unlearning.
The unlearning is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, and it doesn't even compare to the abuse I've endured basically my entire life. But I'm not going to stop. I deserve better than this. I deserve another chance to experience what life ought to have been like with healthy people. My parents are in their 70s, and they'll never change, but I have the power to. Lately I've wanted to give up because this unlearning is so difficult, and letting go is next to impossible. If I give up now, I'll never know how good life can be.
Thank you, Dr. C. Your videos lately have been timely and just what I needed when I needed them. Good luck in your recovery, everyone. Don't give up on yourself no matter how hard it is.
You've got this! 🙌
Amen sista!💯👊🏻❤️
I know this was posted a while ago, but it's reaching through the annals of time to reassure and encourage me today. I have been struggling so hard lately, wanting to give up this fight to be better and get healthy and be with healthy people. But as you say, "if I give up now, I will never know how good life can be." Thank you for this. The positive impact your words have is indescribable.
@@jujubean914 Wow, that's great that my rambling helped someone! When I posted that I must have been in an up period because it sounds a lot better than how I feel right now. The rollercoaster has been wild. I've learned a lot of things since then, and working through it all has been painful and lonely. I'm so tired.
Keep fighting, friend. We don't give up because we'll never know. There are highs and lows in this journey. At least we are taking the journey while the people who hurt us choose not to and remain the same, sorry self because that's EASIER.
Good luck to you and best wishes as you move ahead.
@@spacegirl226 Highs and lows, exactly. It's good to share with each other whatever you feel comfortable sharing because we never know when it will help someone else and that's what it's all about, helping each other. This has been a wild rollercoaster and I think it always will be because of our unique trauma circumstances, but we just never know when our stories will help someone feel less alone and help them to hang in there a little while longer. I struggle with suicidal ideations and that is why your words impacted me so deeply. In that moment I needed that positivity because I couldn't find my own. It's a near constant seesaw, but we got this cause we have each other. Thank you for putting your self out there and being willing to help a stranger. 🫂
One of my earliest memories is my mom telling me that I was "an accident." That sticks with you!
Who cares what she says. You are amazing and special. You are worth more than you will ever know
Life is precious. Your life is precious.
I understand. Mine told me (I am the second born of twins) that she was only supposed to have one and her financial and life problems were because of me.
@@sarahcook908 that is terrible. You ARE worthy!
@@SurvivingNarcissism 🙏
As I strongly suspected (confirmed by this video), both my parents were/are narcissistic. My childhood was filled with unremitting stress, fear and heartache from the instability and emotional and physical abuse. I’m sure that’s why I’ve remained single and childless. The trauma ends with me.
I'm 59 never married and childless. I view it as a good thing. I wouldn't want to do to a child what was done to me. I'm still open to meeting someone nice. My awareness is getting better than what it was.
Same here 57, single and childless. The latter at the time being deliberate as I didn't want the cycle to begin again. If I wasn't happy I didn't want that unhappiness passed onto someone I had made and brought I to the world. Life is hard and needs good foundations. Not met a life partner despite lots of relationships but when you grow up so confused I didn't know hat I wanted or was looking for. No regrets, it is what it is and their are many other life experiences that come from being single ✌
@@davidJohnsonguitarguy I am 35 and a woman. Separated from my long-term partner, and although it's been a tough journey, I realized that there really is no "need" to get married and have children. In fact, I'd be doing my potential children a huge favour by not exposing them to the narcissistic dysfunction that is my life. I am a deeply troubled person and I'd rather spend the rest of my life unlearning narcissism and becoming a better person, and hopefully by doing that I will attract a wonderful new partner who is right for me. I don't care how long that takes or if it'll even happen for me. I accept my fate and my responsibility to create the best life possible for myself before I even think about throwing others into the mix again. I wish others had that insight and maturity. It's almost like there needs to be a compentency test before people can have kids LOL maybe that's a tad judgy but there are countless children whose future lives are being ruined every second of every day by people who shouldn't ever be parents in the first place.
How very sad that you have chosen to remain single based upon your childhood. I hope someday you are able to shed this painful past and find happiness and tenderness with someone or with good friends.
This is an excellent video, as someone who comes from narcissistic parents. I did not realize what was going on until I hit my late 40s but I always knew instinctively something was very wrong. I simply needed life experience and time to look back at what happened in the previous years to start to figure it out, videos like these helped a lot. After confronting my parents and seeing their reaction it sealed the deal, I knew I was correct. They are elderly now, we have no contact since they have no ability to even begin to discuss anything they may have done wrong. Nothing is ever their fault. They have no ability to have empathy for anyone. To make matters worse they are very religious, but I have learned this too is very common for narcissist. My sister still supports them as she feels obligated to "honor" her parents, so she does not understand why I will not help. I explained, you do not have to honor someone who abuses you no matter how they are related. Thanks for the video, very informative for anyone dealing with narcissist parents.
I have a Narcissist brother who was a Sunday School teacher, and Bible study leader. He could have stayed in counselling to save his family and his marriage, he chose not to do that, instead he chose adultery...Now he is divorced and his kids don't want anything to do with him. His daughter said, "He still says he did nothing wrong"... The woman that "was" married to him, was also a former Sunday School teacher. She has since remarried to a female. Talk about religious hypocrites. They obviously did it for the power and prestige it brought them because they don't practice what they preach. Hypocrites.
I have another ex- sister- in-law who was a former Sunday School teacher. She is not married and lives with her boyfriend.
Jerry my parents sound exactly the same. When I turned 40 I finally saw them as who they are, tried to have some tough conversations and failed. The vitriol that was hurled at me and my partner was ridiculous. The sneering rage of being told not to cross a boundary. I’ll never forget it, have been no contact for 3 years now with my parents and siblings. My elder brother, my childhood bully, just recently passed and I made the hard decision to not attend his funeral. None of my family reached out to tell me, I found out through the grapevine that he had passed and still have yet to hear from anyone. (Silver lining that they are honoring my no contact) I had to choose not to revisit the chaos that my parents bring to everything. I honored my brother in my own way. This was a great video, touched on a lot reminders as to why I’m making the best decision for me by staying away.
same here, they subscribe to the "let their kids die" cult of watchtower jw.
Same here.
My parents used the control and obedience as synonyms of love...so if my sister or myself wanted to put some bounderies, it was a betrayal to their love...Nowadays we are adults re-educating ourselves and learning each day that bounderies are healthy, learning about some things that we thought were normal but wasn't...but growing together afterall.
Thank you so much for your video💜
This subject of narcissism and mental health issues needs to be presented when teenagers are in school, so they are aware, and can seek help. It should also be part of counseling topics prior to marriage. Thank goodness for Dr. Carter - I have learned a lot.
Both of my parents are Narc abusers. My father was a bully and my Mother was the covert Narc. When I turned 50 yrs old I set boundaries with them. Haven’t heard from them in 8 years. Their loss
Same
Same :'(
@@phoenixrising33 they missed out on having amazing grandchildren and now a great grandchild is on the way.
@@bohemiababy4264 they think they are still able to punish me with he silent treatment.
Life’s been peaceful without them.
Same.
Dr. Carter, thank you so much for all of your insight, understanding, generosity, compassion, and wisdom shared in all of your talks. You are making a huge positive difference in the lives of millions of people.
You are very welcome
Being a scapegoat child, this video triggered memories with my narc father. Golden child sibling and I are in our 60's now and there have been a few times recently where I've still had to take the blame for outrageous behaviour. No point putting my point across as it just falls on deaf ears now , whereas back then as a child I was told not to argue back. I've broken the cycle by distancing myself now. I'm good with that.
Distance is sometimes SO peaceful. I think that’s when you know you’re dealing with very unhealthy people/behavior. Your childhood sounds much like mine! Blessings to you.
No contact is the only way to go. They won’t change and will never treat you like an actual human being. Don’t care about how it affect them, you need to put you first.
I wrote my parents and siblings off and I'm still trying to recover from the damage having narcissistic parents has done to my life and spirit. I honestly don't think I'll ever recover from it but at least today they are not in my life affecting me now only I am doing that. I mean I've gone as far as to wish that I was adopted so that I would have had a chance at a normal family that I never had . They will never change and they will surround themselves with more of their kind we can never win we can't stay in situations that a almost seem to guarantee generational narcissistic abuse.
@@chipchippie No ... listen, they didn't do it to your life, you were a poor performer, otherwise they would have rode your success like a cowboy. A loser is just that, a crummy loser and they all sing the same lousy song, you too.
Thanks to all for sharing that change is not on their menu; and the only change which will improve the situation is departure from it. It's true that once they assign a role- they won't let go of it. Anyone else get the "all families argue all the time" lecture from an NPD? My current response is "I'm too old to fight on holidays and special occasions."
One common thing with narc parents is they'll try to pick the career their kid should pursue. I had to pretend to be interested in a certain career to avoid the toxic, invalidating reactions from going against my narc mom, and just said I didn't get in. Then she had to go tell everyone I must've done poorly in the interviews because of bad social skills (my social skills are normal). I just quietly pursued my own goals.
They view their kids as extensions of themselves and because they have poor empathy, they aren't like normal parents that encourage their kids to pursue something that fits their interests.
Oh my! This describes my father to a tee. Let's toss in my mother who was an enabler with a lot of narcissistic issues of her own. So when I married a person who had a lot of narcissistic tendencies, it was the only way I knew how to be treated. After he passed away, I started to finally get into my own person. Life begins at 70. I'm grateful that I was better with my children but I had such poor training. Thanks for the insights.
Better late than never! You are enjoying life’s greatest blessing-peace.
@@sharonjones5173 Thanks for the warm fuzzy!
Me too.
@@racebiketuner Let's hope Dr. Carter will help you figure out how to get out of this mess. Hang in there! We can make it through together!
Say an early goodbye to your childhood, into adulthood, clearly Identifies.
Yes, yes yes. Triangulation, criticism, conditional love. At the age of 60 I went into therapy and learned boundaries and it has changed my life. Together with UA-cam videos like Dr. Carter I am living a life of healthy and PEACE! 👏🏻👏🏻💕💕🥰🥰🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼✝️. Thank you!
Hi Sheryl, how’s your day going with you?
My now ex was a CN. I just moved while he was out of town. I moved States away from him. I finally am free. Too many years of abuse. Whew..... going full on no contact. You can leave too. It will lengthen your life. It was hard, but yay I did it. No more abuse. They are such evil awful people oh my.gosh
I am so happy for you that you are free from this miserable way of life!! I have been married to my CN for 36 years and I am impatiently waiting for that day to come for me!! I feel as though I have died inside many times over! Hearing your story and those of others who found peace gives me hope!!
I left after 40 urs of marriage. It is easier but there is still a lot of anxiety in divorce. It's been the death of my life as I have known it for over half my life. I am looking forward to healing but for now I am going through a very hard time...
@@nursepj6036 almost 17 for me
@@nursepj6036 prayers and much love your way
@@maryht I feelnfor you and everyone. Def alters your life, I am all ready feeling better. No more walking on eggshells.... and mine was a very mean abusive type. Those coverts- wow. Please feel some strength from me, a hug and praying for healing from a lie of a life. All they care about is themselves
I am really happy for this video. As a parent, by God's grace, I will use this insight to be sure my children have a far more emotionally safe and nurturing childhood than I did.
My ex-husband learned to be narcissistic through his parents, both of whom were also narcissistic. My now-adult children see through this mindset.
Congratulations, Karen; it’s a big deal to change a family tree.
You are investing in healthiness for yourself, your children and descendants.
Please keep going!
I wish my children ( who are all adults) would see through this mindset with my Ex, their dad, but the 2 youngest (38 & 36 years old), believe their dad is the victim and I’m the horrible villain for leaving him.
@@katen1228 Very, very painful, Kate. I believe Dr. Carter has at least one video about this alienation, and I hope you are able to find it. I can't remember the title right now, but you can search for it. Narcs--what a shape-shifting, awful, adversary. But don't give up! Don't give up on yourself, nor your children, even if you need to put some distance between yourself and them for the time being. Or at least limit topics for conversations to exclude their father's "latest" news or otherwise risking getting sucked in.
@@bristolcorvid8894, it’s a long horrible story but these two youngest have basically claimed their dad as their family. It’s been 12 years since I left ( his second marriage didn’t make it past 8, imagine that). My daughter the youngest she’s adopted ( not that adoption has anything to do with it,) but has also taken up the traits of control, apparently I don’t ask how high she wants me to jump. She cut me completely out of her and my two grandkids lives 4 years ago. Youngest son, I originally though he was an empath ( he may be, but may be his fathers flying monkey) he has come to see me basically 5-6 times in 12 years ( but recently I found out he sees his dad every other month) AND he and his wife drive by my exit on the highway twice every Sunday on their way to church. Yup such good Christian’s. Sorry this is long. I actually went to talk to him back in late March about his avoidance of me. He said it wasn’t intentional ( I didn’t catch it at the time), He said it wasn’t intentional AFTER he told me me saw his dad every other month. AND he said he’s “an engineer, his job is to fix things, He’ll fix this” his words.
On Mother’s Day at 6:15 pm I get a call ( I’ve waited all day to see if this child would show up). Where the F did he spend his whole day? With his dad and sister is my best guess. So at this point, why the F answer the phone? It’s either to wish me Happy Mothers Day OR he might stop to see me. It’s 6:15 pm, he told me back in March they go to bed early (8:30 pm is what he told me) because he gets up early to work. So IF they would stop it would be for about an hour. Because of course, he they go to bed at 8:30.
I’m angry and I’m incredibly sad. I’ve only once said anything about their dad to him and that was a mutual friend who had no reason to lie told me 2 years after I left that my Ex told her: “I wish she’d find someone else so I can get a replacement” , my Ex’s words to the mutual friend. I’m still dealing with this crap 12 years later because in my best guess, my Ex has said/convinced them he is the victim and I’m the bad person.
I get up to the bathroom at least once a night and 3-4 times a week when I come back to bed, I think of these children that I love so much and I just can’t sleep ( why I’m away this morning at 3:40 am) till I can get tired enough to sleep again. Good thing I’m retired. But seriously I’m 69 years old, I’m too F ing old for this sh*t. I’m so sorry this is so long, I’m just still trying to deal with all this. At least I have my faith but some days are worse than others. Thanks for being a listening ear. God help us all to heal. And Thankfully we have Dr C to help us in the journey.
that feels like a difficult immediate family, i can imagine you've felt a lot of upset... i hope you are able to slip into peace and pleasantness regularly now
I have been raised by narcisistic parents and can confirm that everything you said dr Carter is exactly the way it goes in such family dynamics. I am going to break that cycle and am learning new healthy behaviours by unlearning those dysfunctional ones. I want to live in peace and be a peace carrier to those around me. Thank you for your incredible help and gentle assistance on my healing journey dr Carter. I love you. God bless you.
Thank you so much, Iza!
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you dr Carter.
they lie, abuse - verbally, physically and mentally, from the time you are a small child and continue when you are a post-menopausal adult...they neglect your emotional needs - create competition between siblings/play favourites, neglect - emotional and physical....one of mine actually had the audacity to tell me I "have no rights" (recently, and I am post-menopausal) and also told me that what matters to me, doesn't matter - as if they are the determiner of what does and does not matter, or have a clue about you and who you are. and possibly, apparently, take bribes to treat you like garbage and hold you hostage indefinitely, wasting years of your life. Value money over relationships and themselves over their children. They also "don't care" if their own children predecease them. I know this, because they told me.
Let me add “betrays your trust, kills your dreams and … beats you over the head with every mistake you ever made while refusing to take ownership of their own behavior.” 😮💨 Phew! That’s a lot. But here we are and we’re not alone. ☮️ 💕 ☀️ I’m sorry for your pain.
@@Teacher369 you got it! Sick psychos, really. Inhuman! Hard to imagine how anyone could mock a child for having feelings, but I have been there and been mocked!
Spot on
It's so painful to read this and relate to every word. I am so sorry we're all dealing with this but it does get better with time, distance and knowledge. I am a completely different person now, partly thanks to this channel, Dr. C and Team Healthy. We truly can overcome this. Hugs to all. xo
My partners parents financially abused massively no remorse whatsoever saying “oh why worry we don’t do that anymore, that was yesterday” … but they still do it 😞
Thank you, Dr. C, for this one. So many of us are coming to terms with having been raised by highly narcissistic parents in our adult life. The hardest part is having been convinced from a very young age that you are the cause of all the problems in the family and that you don't deserve love and acceptance unless you perform in an expected way. All of those feelings of worthlessness and frustration associated with never being good enough no matter how hard you try can really put a person at a disadvantage as they start adult life. And, I feel, sets us up for a co-dependent relationship style because we constantly feel that we aren't good enough unless others say we are. We don't trust ourselves, or have the confidence to decide if we are good enough or have the right to say no because we have been treated in such a conditional way since birth. Despite how over-involved and controlling our parents were, it was, for many of us, a very sad and lonely childhood.
Lonely for sure in any stage of life. But with all that time I’ve learned to be independent and capable.
YES! Well said and bravo 👏🏼
@@hazelskilos3993 yes this is the silver lining....for me... loneliness has taught us independence
@@denisegiannakis5667 God Bless ❤️
That's the absolute truth✌
Calling my parents narcissist would be a compliment, that's how far down the scale they are. Thankfully they are both dead. They even pitted the 11 siblings against one another... I am 59 yrs. old and have been through hell. I have never been married and thankfully have no children. I wouldn't want to do to them what was done to me.
My mother was a narccissist. One of my earliest memories is watching my mother who got angry/frustrated with my sister's beautiful curls that was difficult for her to manage- she took scissors & cut her hair! I'm very sensitive to the airwaves I could feel her anger! She cut her hair bcz it was too difficult for HER to manage it. When she went to work, she didn't always go to work! (She had a lover). I was Mother to my two younger siblings. There's so many other examples. Appearances were important to her. She's dead now as is all of my family. I'm a survivor. Disabled @ 66 but I'm still here. Most of my relationships were with narccissists as I'm a psychic empath & they fed off of me. I only understood when I found you tube & helpful channels, like this one. I can't change the past. I'm a borderline 10/10 but I try to keep my impulses under control. My dad always called me crazy when I was a kid- no one knew me or understood me. So perhaps you can appreciate how could I be "normal" coming out of this dis functional background?? I do my normal for me!!! It doesn't matter that I'm not understood bcz I have few people in my life. I help all the feral/homeless cats & that's plenty of satisfaction for me now! Thanks Dr. C. Team healthy always helps!
My deceased in-laws demonstrated these traits. Thank goodness we lived a couple of days drive from them; otherwise, we’d have had to manage their behavior every week. My FIL grew up with great shame during the Depression, as his father was a gambler. One day, they’d have a nice apartment, a car, food, clothing, and the next day he’d come home from school to nothing, no place to live because his dad had gambling debts. He witnessed his dad being ‘tuned up’ by the bookie’s goons. As a child, he was sent away to live on a farm in the country with his grandparents to survive. As a teen, he built a life on ‘stories and dreams’, always presenting himself to his classmates as coming from a comfortable, successful family - even if it meant scamming people to get ahead. He found a way into the ‘new’ branch of the armed services - the US Air Force in the 1950s. He was sent to college by the government while learning to fly planes, then jets. The ‘crafting’ of his life away from his upbringing was in full force. He eventually became a fighter pilot during the Vietnam conflict, full of bravado and swagger. Test pilot came next. My MIL cultivated this arrogant, demeaning behavior, as she was embarrassed of her immigrant parents and her upbringing in a working-class, industrial city, and wanted to distance herself from it. She would flex her status as an officer’s wife, often confronting enlisted personnel with “Do you know who I am?” as a way to push them to do something before getting their commanding officer’s involvement. The behavior I witnessed while they were alive fully explained why my husband left their city as soon as he graduated from college.
They were brutally judgmental of all they met, and spoke enviously of colleagues behind their backs. Other colleagues & acquaintances only knew of the carefully crafted lifestyle they led them to believe existed. I say “acquaintances” because they both stated they preferred not to get too close to people so that they would neither be disappointed in these peoples’ behavior, nor would they be hurt if they should die as old age set in. My MIL was especially cruel to both of us daughters-in-law, explaining that she had to keep us “college-educated girls” in our own lanes. On her deathbed, she admitted to me that she was embarrassed of her lack of attending college, so she had to control us through whatever means possible. They actually told both sons (my husband being one) that they wouldn’t be getting too emotionally attached to the grandchildren so that they wouldn’t feel profound grief if one of the children should die ahead of their time. The manipulation was strong with these two.
We shielded our children from them as much as possible. Decades later, during the recent ‘Great Recession’, when our son graduated from college, he had an opportunity of his ‘dream job’, located in their city. He asked if they would allow him to live at their house for up to 6 months while he got himself established. We’d protected him a bit too much, as he was shocked and astounded by their behavior. He phoned us one night, telling his dad that he’d thought he’d been told wild stories- maybe even tall tales - of his dad’s life with these people. Nope! He told his dad the stories weren’t realistic enough. Our son lasted less than 6 months at that house. As he was leaving, his grandfather remarked that he was surprised our son lasted longer than 3 months! Our son watched over them, repaired their house, and saw to the needs of his grandmother after his grandfather died. Not a thank-you or kind acknowledgement. One thing is certain - these two narcissists truly loved and supported each other their entire married life, although my FIL’s plan was for her to die first. He rose up from childhood trauma and crafted a very controlled, tightly scripted life for himself, and then the two of them, but then died ahead of her. She was absolutely lost, literally depending on him for her daily life plan. She died of a broken heart less than 2 years after his death. Thanks for reading.
My narcissistic parents have an attitude of permanent contempt towards me and my sibling. The scorching feeling of constantly being looked down on never goes away whenever I interact with them. One of them would act embarrassed and laugh provokingly when we did something that we are proud of. As if showing a genuine emotion of happiness for ourselves is an act of embarrassment and need to be labeled as bad.
I cannot feel any positive emotional connection towards both of them.
I know what you mean. When you don’t need anything they offer to help; when you need everything they say sorry sucker. Stay far away
Amen! So sick of this treatment. Would never ever treat another person with such disdain...certainly not my own children.
My brother told me the old man hit him in the head with a 2 by 4.I thought he was making a joke. Now I believe him.
You just described my upbringing. I'm a twin and my younger brother was put on a pedestal. He was the athlete. The star pupil, when he was really just cheating his way under the honor roll. My parents turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to his lack of integrity because he, as already stated, was the golden child.
This was a classic example of the saying that essentially was our family coat of arms: if it isn't talked about, it doesn't exist. To make a long story short, I learned how not to be by watching my parents.
When I noticed that I was being treated differently and wanted to address it, I was told to turn the other cheek and be the better person. Devaluating my emotions and telling me I was a drama queen, a cry baby a whiner, a wet blanket, a pussy, any other name you can think of. If I tried to say anything sometimes my father would just backhand me to shut me up.
To make an already long story much shorter, when it was discovered my brother had a drug problem I, formerly the invisible son, suddenly popped up on my parents' radar. I point blank told my father to go do something that was physically impossible to himself. Long after my father passed away from stage-four lung cancer, My mom continued to enable my brother and spend thousands of dollars getting him out of all of his screw-ups. He's currently on the run from the law. I don't know where he is and, quite frankly, I don't care. I got my mom to finally cop to the obvious and acknowledge the elephant in the room: she played favorites with my brother.
This did not give me the absolution or the peace of mind that I hoped it would. Quite honestly, it broke just left a hole inside me. It's also worth mentioning that I have an older brother, who is nine years my senior, and is currently on his second stint in prison for assault on a police officer. My parents washed their hands of him decades ago. Of course, it wasn't their fault he turned out the way he did.
Getting back into the Bible and also thanks to video such as yours, Dr. Carter, has given me much peace. I can't own how I was treated or measure my self-esteem through walking bad excuses for human beings. Living a life of isolation and seclusion from others has been quite freeing.
You are such a fine teacher, Dr.C. You have helped me understand my rigid upbringing, and the inner turmoil my N. parent kept “stirring.” Triangulating and comparing siblings and other people’s children was constant, and we (siblings)ended up not close. The only thing I would add to your list was that truth was twisted to benefit the N. I guess that’s what leads to not trusting the motives of others and second guessing ourselves as adults. When people are nice to me, I don’t know if I’m misreading them. Thank you for helping us unlearn, (as you put it).
My Malignant NARC father spot on! Free since January 2022! Wish I had known this decades ago. Conditional love .... I always said that and finally figured this out at 60. Never too last to learn. Thank you Dr. Carter! You gave me the information to understand this issue.
They're a poison in the family, they make everyone miserable. What got me was the severe physical and emotional abuse at home and the Rah Rah "good mother show" put on outside. Favourites definitely part of her playbook too. In fact Divide and Conquer has worked so well for her, we all fled to live in different countries and she is alone in her old age.
I went to therapy trying to understand why life seems so much harder to me than it apparently is for other people. I thought I was borderline, the therapist suggested complex PTSD. She made me realise my mother is a narcissist. It was a shock first and for some time I wanted it not to be true. Your videos made me come to terms with this fact and I return to them whenever I feel I need a little reminder of why I shouldn’t get too close to her in moment when she seems to care. Isn’t this ironic, all she ever wants is to be taken for a figure of authority, and yet her own daughter does not regard her as one… I’m 44 now, I changed my carrer in late 30s to become an expert in positive parenting. I want to be the one to break the cycle for myself and help others do it too. I signed a contract for a parenting book with a major publishing house… Guess what, my mother completely ignores this fact, it is almost a taboo. I just have to laugh. Probably too hard for her to imagine I would be helping people be better parents. The best part is, I don’t need her interest and praise anymore. I’ve learned how to be proud of myself and surround myself which people who love me and appreciate me. Thank you Doctor C for helping me stay on the path I have chosen ❤️
What a great testimonial.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you so much ❤️🙏
Add ‘learned helplessness’ to the consequences
Blurry Boundaries; BLURRY. Dim, Faint, Foggy, Fuzzy, Hazy, Indefinite, Indistinct, Indistinguishable, Misty, Murky, Nebulous, Obscure, Opaque, Pale, Shadowy, Unclear, Undefined, Undetermined, Vague.
I see a trend here.
teamhealthy reads your 🆘️
📚 *"boundaries"* by townsend and cloud
I am 52, the youngest of 5 and 2 Narcisist parentes. All my sisters and brother are Narcisist, from covert to exuberant, all malignos, my 7 nephews are a mess, only one did well. I told them all off and expose them to eachother, now they hate me and hate eachother. The good thing is that i live far away from them and have a goodish life. Still strugeling with the constelation, as i also lost my nephews, but that was the price. There is nothing i can do and there is nothing i want to... I only know that i am in the right path and getting better by the day... Thank you for your wise words Dr. Carter.
Walk on eggshells constantly! No voice. Shamed …. If we bit our nails we would have our hair cut different lengths depending on how many nails were bitten down, or we would have gloves taped to our hands and have to go to school, if we wet bed we had to sit in front yard with a diaper on, if we forgot to brush our teeth, we would have to wear a toothbrush to school, etc. Dr Carter, you explain this topic better than anyone!! Thank you for all you do! Valerie
I can’t stand parents who punish their kids for things that aren’t completely their fault, in “creative” ways that are just humiliating. As though these kids were purposely being rebellious.
You just described my mother. I didn’t want to believe this about her. I knew my sister is a narc and you’ve helped me greatly in navigating her. I just believed our mom to be her flying monkey. My mom was so difficult to please and she only showed affection to my sister. My mother was always angry and working for her love all of my life is like pulling teeth. The criticism is the worst of all. Other than her blunt favoritism. I’ve confronted her several times over the years about it and she denies all of it. I’ve always felt like a burden to her and that she feels that my own family is a burden to her. I’m ready to heal from everything. She’s the last hurdle to heal from. My family is riddled with narcs throughout the generations but it ends with me. I thank God for you, Dr Carter!
The biggest gift I've learned to give myself is patience and acceptance. As I heal from the abuse and relearn how to be comfortable with myself and unlearn the unhealthy habits I've been taught I'm finding that I'm childlike in my expression of emotion. I'm incredibly fortunate to have a wonderful new group of friends who understand and provide me the space and freedom to explore and express my feelings without judgement and who consistently show and tell me that they are there for me so I can have the space to fumble and learn to be fully authentic. It is uncomfortable but amazing to me that they are so unconditionally loving and I've never been so happy to be uncomfortable. I hope that all of you find people like this in your lives❤️
I’m praying for the same ❣️
Very true thank God bless
This sounds lovely. How did you find your new group of friends?
@@BGL333 I just kept going to meetups. I'm also working on myself and learning greater decrement.
I distanced myself from my parents. My father was never actually there for me. Not during my childhood and not during my adulthood. My mother has no respect for boundaries. Everything needs to be about her and how she sees the world.
My children see them from time to time. I let them when they (my children) want to. They have learned the difference between me and them. So my parents will not affect them as they have done me. My parents view my distancing as a punishment they did not deserve or as me as the evil daugther who keeps their grandchildren away from them. It is neither. I have written down why I keep my distance and have firm boundaries I keep. Whatever they now do or say does not effect me anymore. I make my own rules and decisions. I am almost 50. It took me a long way, lots of inner (child) work, three n-partners, sexual abuse by men, 6 stalkers and my own motherhood to finally get what impact a childhood has on a person and how you can overcome that and reset your live an be happy. #selflove
I was the one to break the cycle in my family. I'm quite proud of that accomplishment, it was no small feat that spanned 25 years of concerted effort. Now, I have a pretty great relationship with my narcissistic 84 y.o. mother. I have gotten to the point where I treat her as the person I wish she was, not necessarily the person she actually IS. It has been very liberating for me, and, dare I say, persuaded her to be a better version of herself? I no longer have that gut-punched reaction to her nastiness and no longer view everything she does and says through the old lens. I am a happier person because of it!
Narcissist are incapable of loving themselves or anyone who loves them, they are not capable of loving anyone not even their own child!! Feel so sorry for them , me and my Ex narc was married for 13 years with children. I did all my possible best to be faithful to him and l aways made my mind that I want to be the best house wife as that what I dream since college days. Nothing work out when you're with a narcissist, my narc Ex still went ahead by threatening to file a divorce and take custody of our children because I caught him severally cheating with different lady's and even my friends I also know a lot of illegal stuffs he does and how no choice, my Nanny told me about this private investigator which is also American spy Guy he's expert in tapping phone and web without leaving a trace, He got into my Husband phone and drive. I found Dirty proofs, real dirty things. All deleted messages, chats, video, call history from 13 years back where unveiled to me. The proofs where helpful cos he worked my papers for me and now I can stay with my child and have a good job. Don't let your narcissist partner abuse you no more, follow him on Instagram
instagram.com/alex_cyber_tools
If you have ongoing exposure to controlling people….oops sorry Dr C….that’s your part. You nailed this video in every way, shape, and form imaginable.
I was raised by narcissistic parents and have a habit of showing my emotions too readily and expressing myself too freely (from being unfairly accused and blamed, and trying to justify or defend myself and explain and reconcile). My face is very expressive and I have had to learn to manage my feelings better. I have confided in people too quickly and have people-pleasing habits to manage. It's been hard to learn to practice self-care and self-compassion and I am inclined to think I've at least partly caused other people's disloyalty or unkindness when I have loved them (never good enough).
This video is a great help in clarifying, thank you.
Hi Michelle, how’s your day going with you?
My parents were not the best & I put my foot down, became a Christian at 18 & was a very Loving mother. I yelled at the 12 year old for flooding the house by a toilet 😄 He was good boy, but tested me when he was 3 a few times by running around in stores & the mall & I yelled at him. I always said I was sorry if I misjudged or was wrong. I was not a spanker at all. Only a couple of times & ONLY for hurting another person once or twice. I am very close to my 2 sons who are responsible & loving.
I'M 41. MY FATHER PHYSICALLY ABUSED ME UNTIL ABOUT 30. MY MOTHER HAS BEEN MENTALLY UNSTABLE FOR QUITE A WHILE. MY PARENTS STILL FIGHT. I'M ALWAYS THE SCAPEGOAT BY THEM.
P.S. I HAVE BEEN EPILEPTIC MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE
Grateful this one doesn’t apply to me, personally, but did see it in the parents of my (estranged, narcissistic) wife. At one point she begged me to never leave her alone in a room or car with her father. I guess he was the dominant when he was around, but since we ended up in Pennsylvania and he (and Memaw) lived in North Carolina, it only ruined our holidays with them. So, me being the dutiful empath, I observed the behavior while running interference.
He said horrible things to her (like how she was born before Roe v Wade, so there was no stopping her arrival), and I even received a letter from him, itemizing my failures after my marriage began to dissolve. He’s passed now. I guessed I can burn that letter, therapeutically.
Anyway, I can clearly see evidences of generational narcissism. I’ve tried to help my kids understand and cope. At least the 2 (of the 3) who still talk to me.
My fur baby is a narcissist. In his mind, the entire world revolves around him. I don't care! I love him SO MUCH!
🐈 He's a cat.😉
Thanks for sharing this, Aaron. Too bad your wife was unable to have the necessary insight to grow away from all that. But at least you have an objective perspective to draw upon. My best wishes are with you.
Please Dr. Carter could you make more videos like this🙏🙏....pertaining to narcissistic parents. Growing up, especially in my teenage years, my mom was EXTREMELY controlling, she would not hesitate to lay down the law with an iron fist anytime I did or said or thought anything that went against her wishes. I know that's part of a parent's job, but this was very extreme. Nothing physical, but the mental and emotional toll it took on me was enormous. Now that my parents are getting up in age, she's calmed down a little, but I can still see her controlling nature rear it's ugly head from time to time. Sometimes, especially over the past few years, I feel like I'm her retirement plan. They don't take care of themselves health-wise, or financially for that matter. So, everytime something bad happens as a result of their poor decision making, I'm the one is expected to come help and pick up the pieces. It's mentally exhausting. I feel like I can't handle my own life and responsibilities, along with my parent's also. It's just getting to be too much to bare. I love them and I want the best for them, but they don't listen to reason, and continue making decisions that ultimately sabotage them, and in turn, me also. I know that was a long rant, but if anyone has any advice, or has experienced some of the same issues, please let me know how you overcame it.
I feel like I discovered that my mom is a covert narcissist a long time ago. But now it's like she don't even really try to hide her jealousy towards me. We were at a family function earlier, and she kept trying to do the whole back and forth thing with me. Then we started playing a card game with my son, and she got REAL angry towards me when she realized I was about to win. It was SO weird. YES. We ALL want to win when we are playing a game. There isn't anything abnormal about that, but if you all understand how people with narcissistic personality disorder act. Then you will know what I'm talking about. I just pray that the LORD continue to carry, cover, protect, lead, and guide me. IN THE MIGHTY NAME OF JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH. AMEN. AND I pray my strength in the LORD, and that HE make away out of no way for me. Sooner then I think, IN THE MIGHTY NAME OF JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH. AMEN.
@@rdmease I know that scripture ALL to well. Thanks for sharing it. But forgiveness DON'T mean you are to keep subjecting yourself to someone treating you poorly. It DON'T mean that you can't express your concerns openly and honestly with someone (even your parent/parents). And it DON'T mean that the Holy, Spirit won't lead you to separate yourself from someone. The Holy, Spirit have taught me that forgiveness means that you give the pain, hurt, confusion, disappointment, or whatever the case maybe, that you encountered while interacting with someone over to the LORD. That you lay those offenses at HIS feet, and let HIM/GOD mend, heal, restore, in those areas. And that you can absolutely love on that person/people from a distance. And continue to pray for them and with them, if and when the spirit of the LORD will lead you to do so.
@@rdmease I have also learned that the Holy, Spirit can and will lead you to separate from individuals (including family) at times when HE knows they will refuse to change. And they will continue to try to hurt and destroy you, in more ways then one. I pray all the time that the LORD help me to not function from a place of unforgiveness towards anyone, that treat me poorly. And I pray that people forgive me for when I have wronged them. In the mighty name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth. Amen. It's important that we share with people what the LORD lead us to share. But make sure it's the spirit of the LORD leading you to do so. Because the enemy will try to use scriptures against people in order to keep them in horrific patterns and situations. And try to make them feel shame, fear, guilt, embarassment, and condemned. Over things that the Holy, Spirit have already shared with them directly. And the LORD have been conversing with me about this situation with my mom and her family for quite sometime now, and have already given me instructions on what I should do in regards to it. I was just basically acknowledging that what transpired on last night was confirmation as to what the LORD have been telling me. I honestly wasn't expecting her to have that behavior towards me on yesterday evening, and was hoping things had gotten better, in a sense. But the LORD allowed me to see otherwise. And verbal, spiritual, emotional, psychological, and mental abuse is still abuse. And you don't have to subject yourself to that from anyone. And it don't mean that you hate them, or have unforgiveness towards them. Because you choose to acknowledge it, address it, and act accordingly. Unfortunately some people will refuse to change due to them choosing to be prideful. And if they do so, that's their God given right. Because HE give us ALL free will, but we don't have to keep exposing ourselves to it. Especially if the Holy, Spirit is giving you specific instructions. I would simply prefer to have a healthy, whole, and loving relationship with my mother.
@@C7774u Thank you Claire. God bless. I honestly talked to GOD on last night about the pain and confusion that I was feeling in regards to the situation. And was constantly asking HIM to help me to not have unforgiveness towards her in regards to it. Because I have learned the importance of forgiveness, and what it means to forgive. It just caught me off guard in a sense, because as I mentioned she generally is a covert narcissist. And don't display her jealousy towards me in an open forum (especially around family members, or anyone that she is trying to impress). But it was different on last night to me. There are other things that have happened, that I didn't share. But I know what GOD have been telling me about her for quite sometime, and for MANY years. I honestly didn't see it. I just pray that GOD make away out of no way for myself and son soon. IN THE MIGHTY NAME OF JESUS CHRIST OF NAZARETH. AMEN. God bless. Thanks for understanding.
I know exactly what you mean, Ladenna. Everything is a competition for them. They have to be the best or win.
God bless and keep you safe. Amen.
My mother was a narcissist and my father a sociopath. I became depressed as a teenager and engaged in self harming behaviors into my 40's. I married twice both times to narcissists. I have suffered with self condemnation, severe anxiety and complex PTSD. I wish I understood narcissism and knew the red flags earlier in life. I never heard of the term until lately. Both parents are deceased now. I felt guilty about being so angry with them but suppressed resulting in depression. At the same time I felt sorry for them because they too grew up with abusive parents.
"Your best thinking in life doesn't even begin until you hit 40"
I ended up throwing my narcissistic mother around like a yo yo. I just hit her over head with facts and damn it felt liberating!
My parents don’t even bother with me. Never call. Never invite me in for a meal. Never hear from them though my 2 older sisters were always “mothered” and contacted by her. My mother rejected me numerous time and wouldn’t talk to me for years at a time. My father who put her on a pedestal all the time beat us and made us wait on her and do all the work around the house. He also always tried to get me to “go hug your mother “ after months of a rejecting session. After the death of my oldest son last year I saw just how cold and harsh everyone was. Excluded from parents bday parties more than once by my sisters I finally just gave up. For my emotional and mental well being I just couldn’t do it any longer. I was def the scapegoat cause I wasn’t the boy that my father wanted. I was told that numerous times growing up. Got the blame for everything no matter who did what. My father didn’t beat me as bad so my sister did. It was a nightmare and I have moved to another county. After failed marriages from men that acted the same way I started getting therapy and am on a healing road. Thanks Dr C. I appreciate you. My parents met 11 out of the 12 criteria.
Radical acceptance comes to mind. The painful realization that my covert mother will never change even years after my father’s passing. I take it one day at a time and keep coming back to Dr C’s YT channel , podcasts, books. Peace to all on your journey to healing. 🤍
Thank you Dr C for this video. I married the scapegoat of 2 narcissistic parents, and it wasn’t until recently that we finally figured out what’s been going on and
ITS SO VERY FREAKING HARD for me not to say something to my MIL. What I mean by this is I want her to know that I’m on to her, and that now I see what she truly is- a wolf in sheep’s clothing- an altruistic, covert narcissist that has done so much damage to others-but she thinks that she’s the best most perfectly put together person, and all that involves motherhood and raising a family is her speciality.
For close to two decades I looked up to my in-laws, and aspired to be like them, especially my MIL, and they both seemed so perfect-too perfect. It was as though they really had their poop in a group-they believed they carried the keys to the secrets that gave them the wisdom on the only way to live life, raise a family, and have a successful marriage.
However, I didn’t really like being around them for longer periods of time, because they didn’t like my authenticity or who I was as a person-they wanted us to be just like them.
They put themselves on pedestals, and my husband and I were to damn well stay way below them- and until my FIL recently passed away, the fog lifted and everything became clear and the truth was finally unearthed.
Once I figured out what the hell was going on I became so angry for the way they’d treated my husband throughout his childhood and how they treated us as a family. All the manipulation, gaslighting, blame shifting, rage, passive aggressiveness, stonewalling, sense of entitlement, freaking sadistic controlling and exploitative behavior-you name it!
We are no longer confused or being used as a pawns in their sick narrative fantasy world. I’m so angry at them-and what they put my husband through. It makes me sick that we’d allowed them to control and manipulate us for so long, but can’t say what I want to to my MIL bc it will backfire on us, and we will pay hard for it.
I know exactly how you feel.. I always felt something was off with them.. but couldn't put my finger on it until I was older.. went off the sister and mom and told them the truth lol well it didn't go well.. and I ended up apologizing to them.. I just stay away now it's best for us and me.. and yes I trying to break this cycle.. cause it's hurtful and wrong
I'm in the same boat as well and I totally understand your anger and disgust at your in-laws as I feel the same towards mine. I struggle with hate towards them because of what they do to my husband and attempt to do to my (now adult) children. It's all covert, incredibly manipulative abuse. It's been excruciating to watch my husband come to terms with the fact that he has abusive parents. The grief and guilt (because we've had to go no contact with all of my in-laws) has been very overwhelming for him at times. But he is getting there and he's moving towards radical acceptance which is giving him a glimpse of peace.
My house growing up was a constant battle zone between our wounded immature self absorbed parents. On any given day us kids were either surrogates spies or collateral damage.
So well stated! So glad to be the scapegoat, not the golden child. Escaped!
Their view is I am their child therefore my life is theirs to control and all my possessions are theirs to do as they please with. (Their actual words more than once)
I also need to 'grow up and get a real job' too. I have run a successful business for several years now that regularly makes more revenue a month than I used to make in a year of my old life.
It has been difficult for me to address the narcissist traits of my mother. But oh my goodness, they were there. My husband of many years is a covert narc in the worst way and becoming aware of all that happened in that relationship has taken much time and effort. But its time I go back further and plow through all that set me up for such abuse.
Hi Kathi, how’s your day going with you?
Thank you, my mother was all 12 of these! I always enjoy watching your videos because it feels like I’m listening to my uncle or father speaking. This is a really good video for those who have children and want to improve their parenting as well because I don’t think everyone is a narcissist but I can see one or two behaviours amongst my friends and lots of behaviours in the wider society. Having a healthy foundation is so important and so many of us missed this and are now trying to pick up the pieces in what feels like a broken world. Narc parents really do take your life away from you!
My mom would be yelling at us, then answer the phone with a smile in her voice. Every single thing you said today applies tomy family life!
... like flipping a switch.
@@aaronkwolfe yes, exactly like that! She would do the same trick when answering the door, switch in mid yell lol
My biological narcissistic ex-father always said "I know everything, I am all knowing". He also believed that the gut wrenching fear of a "parent" in the child = respect. He thinks If the child is confident and able to look in the eyes of the parent while talking, its utter disrespect. All he wanted in life was respect from everyone which he never got from anyone anyway. Though he did a great job at passing on the curse he was inflicted by from his forefathers.
Check out a couple of videos, The Know It All Narcissist, and Rethinking The Shame Messages From A Narcissist.
Thank you Dr. Carter , I will definitely check, your videos are one of the best on narcissism and related topics, your doing a great job, much respect!@@SurvivingNarcissism
Very much looking forward to this one. Narcissist Dad and enabler Mom. Had to cut ties fully this year
Hard, but totally worth it. Good for you for having the courage.
Its sad that i have to be the one too break the narcissm cycle my family have held for generations, its not the life i would have chose if i had a choice but its pain and suffering i have to be strong enough to go through too ensure my future family never have too go through the same pain ive endured.
Dr Carter, my mother was impossible to be reasoned with, everything was all emotionally based. Reasoning and logic was totally lost on her. Her irrational reasoning made me constantly blow up at her.
That's me growing up, walking on Egg shells all the time. My way or the highway. Most of the time I would leave, go no contact not knowing of NPD. Always thought it was because of the Military up bringing until I met others from the same back ground & researching. I was always the Empath, heart on the sleeve type, aways in trouble/grounded. Do what I say & not as I do was the rule. No talking back was allowed. Go to your room!
sad. I watch my 55 yr old husband's Mother still playing favorites, playing siblings off each other, the scape goat and if you don't do what she wants, you're left out. Portrayed as Mother Teresa, I don't think she's aware of how much damage this has caused and still causes. My husband is now a raging narcissist 😞 and turned the anxiety, anger and rage behavior towards his 2 children, wife and siblings. I feel bad for him and everyone affected by what's deep in childhood throughout his entire life.
Thank you Dr. Carter. You've hit the nail on the head where my upbringing is concerned!
Still dealing with shame, however I can now look at it as something that is knocking on my door and I can decide whether to let it in. Learning to separate it as a feeling that is being pushed on me as opposed to being ingrained in me has been life-altering. Team Healthy!
🤔"Adulting takes Decades & Learning comes from unlearning through corrective experiences".
It's odd that childhood is such a relatively short period of time in the average person's lifespan but it's impact on one's life lasts a lifetime.
Thanks Dr C so very validating.💙
I'm disgusted by the whole thing.
@@davidJohnsonguitarguy I hear you David. It's all quite daunting. The concept of " Infinite Regress" comes into play where parental attitudes & behaviors run through generations and the whole mess gets placed on your shoulders to fix! It seems there is a fine line between victim and victimizer.
#13. At least in my experience, they relate a lot better with children as children, than children who have become adults.
There are Four Parenting styles. Authoritarian, Autotitative, Permissive, and Uninvolved. If you research Authoritarian it is literally the same thing as Narcissistic parenting. I highly encourage followers of this channel to research the four patenting style. By the way Authoritarian and Autotitative are NOT the same thing. As always, Thank you Dr. Carter for your videos. Keep on Keeping on
Your channel is so extremely helpful to me Dr. Carter. I am taking care of my abusive, narcissistic, alcoholic 84 yr old mother. I gave up a chance to move away to a beautiful home on an island with friends because she asked me to not go but to live with her instead. I had to give all my possessions away - furniture, jewellery, books, art because there were no moving vans available. (My friends could have hauled these things away in their truck had l gone with them.) It's been a year of living in filth & squalor in a house filled with dark memories being either ignored or belittled, raged at, accused of things l haven't done, being told what an inconvenience l am and what a loser l am. I am very depressed and just want to leave but l feel guilty leaving her. She has alienated everyone else, l'm all she has. She can more or less take care of herself but who knows for how long. But l can't take it anymore. It's not so much the things she says & does as it is the constant, palpable hatred she has for me that's too painful. It's getting worse not better & l don't know if l have a right to leave for my own sake or if l am morally obligated to put up with it. She was this same way to me growing up but l wanted to do the right thing in her old age because she's still my mother. My intent was to stay to the end but this abuse could go on for years. I'm worried that as soon as l leave she'll fall down the stairs or in the bath or something, die a slow, horrible death and l will have to live with that guilt. The worst part is she thinks she's the victim by having to put up with me! All l do is work & when l'm home l keep out of her way with a quiet activity. I cheerfully agree to do anything she asks & pay my own expenses. Thank you Dr. Carter for providing me with much appreciated & effective guidance as l navigate through my dilemma.
I like your moniker. Slide down just a few verses to 27. One of my very favorites.
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you for bringing my attention to this gem of a passage. I shall endeavour to understand it more fully. And thanks to both you & Gus, both such charming gentlemen, for bringing comfort & sanity into my life.
I suffered severe narcissistic abuse as a child, at the hands of my father.
I was the scapegoat in my family!!
Thank you! My immediate family and I are the ones breaking the inherited chains of family dysfunction.
A narc parent: I love you unconditionally, with conditions. Mine did fun things like- Pokes at emotional wound till child blows up and then says "Why are you so DEFENSIVE"?! Jeannette McCurdy wrote a book called "I'm Glad my Mom died' and it was a best seller pre-release. That says something. Friend, you are not alone. 🫂 ❤️
Hi Betsy, how’s your day going with you?
Thanks for the thumbs up, how are you spending your spare time?
I grew up with a narc stepfather. I didn't realise until I got married and the Husband had similarities. Actually I only found out about the term Narcissism when watching Dr.C then a whole new realisation came into view as in friends and other people 🙃 This knowledge has definitely empowered me and helps me with the relationship with my grown up lads....most of the time. I don't see my ex or my ex stepfather. Both have remarried. They have an inability to cope with their own company, I think 🤔
You're growing, Amanda...and I'm honored to be on the path with you.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I'm developing understanding. If that is growth then its with your help and team healthy ❣
This takes every ounce not to swear. I remember my MD dad saying go ask your mother. Mother also a wounded abused narc. SMH. They were sick. Blessed to hear. Never safe. I still struggle w trust. And I broke the circle and I'll never know w them . Life goes on. I learn as able. I want to be steady and offering peace.
Both of my biological parents are narcs, my mother being a malignant and my father being a grandiose. They are both retired police officers. Ive often wondered if the trauma of the job is what set their narcissism in motion.
This describes my childhood, my parents, so perfectly …that I had to stop the video three different times to shed the tears, regroup and continue watching. I’ve been on my healing journey for 2-1/2 years; been graduated from counseling for nine months and have been doing increasingly well every day. But every once in awhile, something strikes me, and this was it. I think the reason it did was because I just spent a great deal of time yesterday with my sister (the forgotten child of the family), who use to be my best friend, but as I’ve gotten healthier, the distance between myself and my unhealthy family members has grown. But she made the statement yesterday that going to school was horrible for her because she never wanted to leave home, the family, as a child. She said, “I got everything I needed from my relationships at home and school seemed so fake for me.” And my instant reaction was envy. That was certainly not my childhood!! And we were raised next to each other, same home. But I was (am) the scapegoat of the family. My perspective and experiences were MUCH different than hers. And as that comment “weighed” in the back of my mind today, I was feeling once again like I have been in the wrong and miscalculated and misunderstood everything about my childhood and GUILT came back. Because if my sister had such a “great” childhood, how could MINE have been “so bad?” How “unfair” of me, right? Then I clicked play on this video. And that, I’m sure, was why the tears flowed again freely, because as Dr. Carter spoke each behavior/characteristic, there was my memory going, “Yep, dad did that…yep, mom did that…oh man, big brothers AND mom and dad did allllll those things…” And it was REAL again. And it was TRUTH again. I’ve said from the beginning that my journey will never be over, I just keep learning and growing every day. ❤️🙏 Thank you, Dr. Carter (& Gus) for your time & efforts. Always appreciated! 😊
Growing up with a sociopathic dad & a narcissistic mom, so it is not surprised that i was one. All i experienced was drama drama & lots of drama. The joy, love, peace, mercy, faith/trust ( had that, a totally wrong concept/twist) are impossible in the family. Everything is superficial. It took a long time to unlearn the bad behaviour including rage. Thank you again Dr. C for continue to help us to recognise the narcissistic patterns (not a life to step back into), to grow & at the same time to break the cycle. All the missing pieces to differentiate healthy/unhealthy way which I have been seeking for a very long time, found in your channel. *Very grateful.*
Hours and hours of speeches for every little thing from my dad, standing up for myself was “undermining his authority”, “disrespectful” and a “sin” (“a good Christian would never talk back to her parents”, so I’d have to go to confession if I didn’t want to end up in hell ‘cause of it) and grew up knowing that every time I would be happy about something, my mum would have found a way to burst my bubble and make me feel bad. I asked her a couple times why does she always do that, she says I cannot understand ’cause I’m not a mother. I wish she knew she’s the main reason why I’m not a mother…
I grew up/am growing up with a narcissistic mother (I’m 23). All of the patterns you described are very recognisable. Especially the fact that I’m always afraid people will get mad at me for doing something “wrong” or telling my mind. And the attachment to other people… oh boy… you nailed it when you said that. I recognise that with my friends, I’m too clingy sometimes. Thank you for all your videos, Dr. Carter. I’m a fan. As you said, unlearning is the path to follow.
Hi Cedric...You're at the perfect age to be figuring this out. Keep learning and growing and in 20, 30, 40 years and beyond you'll be thankful. I'm pleased to be on the journey with you.
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you for your response, Dr. Carter. It is very nice to hear this, and your videos give so much insight on the topic. Thank you for being part of my journey, it really means a lot to me and other people.
Dr. C- I flat out told the property manager of my apartment building today that I won’t be falling in line with how they want me to do things. This guy called me a difficult resident and hung up the phone on me.
You just described my mother, ugh.
My mother was great to my younger sisters. I was the scapegoat. The sisters have never treated me with any respect. I changed and didn’t keep up the ugly.
I feel guilty and disrespectful acknowledging all of these. Stomping on eggshells. Boundaries are a declaration of war, they are invisible to them. They want me to sell my home, put my dog down, and move in and take care of them and the golden child. And I feel guilty for not wanting to. But I also feel guilty that I should be taking care of them. Danged if I do, danged if I don't.
Trying to manipulate you. I think you sense it would be a big mistake to move in with them. Trust your feelings!
Wait. Putting your dog down is part of the equation? Selling home is another part? Caring for them AND caring for golden child? These all sound like permanent decisions with no easy outs at all, meaning once you commit, there is no turning back? Let me ask, were your parents making ANY plans for their long term care? Why is golden child included under your care and not considered a solution to their care? I'm just sensing a lot of "no" from you. You do realize that this will not eliminate guilt. It will only transfer it to their narcissistic discretion. You WILL be made to feel guilty, even if you do decide to help. They will find other ways to make you feel guilty, once you have no way to escape.
My narcissistic parent always had God on their side .
That was a scarily accurate list. I’m financially trapped with them for the time being as well. I often wonder how much worse it could possibly be to just be homeless.
You won't be homeless for long. You're smart and industrious. You are far better than they say you are. You can do better than they ever did!
Same!!!!!