How Narcissists Transfer Their Pain Onto Their Children
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- Опубліковано 12 гру 2021
- If you grew up with a narcissistic parent, you have the challenge of coming to terms with the dysfunctions that followed you into adulthood. Dr. Les Carter describes how narcissistic parents did not know how to resolve their own internal struggles, so they placed their burdens onto the next generation. As you gain insight into their mismanaged parenting styles, you can become poised to make significant healthy adjustments.
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My covert narcissist mother just passed away. I spent my life trying to appease her. I mourn not the mother I just lost, but the mother I needed but couldn't have.
Good way to put it. I hope you are able to find peace. Dr. C
🌟💜🌟
🎯
Do not let her be the reason from obtaining peace. Google how to write a letter of forgiveness and write one to her.
Yes, victims of abuse suffer more losses than those who've had relatively normal, healthy childhoods. Most of the losses we suffer are of thing we never even had like a carefree, innocent, non-abusive childhood, un-neglectful, non-abandoning, caring parents, a safe home, a safe family, unconditional love, etc.
Their internal unhappiness is a soul rot that they have to spread to their household like a cancer.
My childhood was like one of those psych horror games, where you have to hide from the demonic possessed person (parent) constantly watching, chasing, and attacking. Without the ability to defend myself, I ended up with cptsd, diagnosed later on in life when the horror wouldn't go away in my mind and body. Having a narc parent is horrible because it's an abuse that society ignores, and damages a child for the whole life.
My teenage years were hell due to my narc parents. It's so damaging.
Protect yourself, it is the most important thing you will ever do. Then protect your children the second most important thing you will ever do.
@@foxiedogitchypaws7141 i have been protecting my son from my father since the jump. Only missing a few times but even those few chances he got with him he took full advantage and said things he should have never said. He is a true POS narcissist and its so much better to have no contact even though it hurts the whole family.
Wow. You’ve said it well. That’s how it was with my father at the helm. He literally chased me down threatening to kill me every single day after his job. At 13 I really thought that I was living with the devil himself.
@@christar9527 Sorry to hear this. God loves you and did not want this to happen to you.
Took me 80 years and slogging through relationships with narcissists, but I not only survived it all, I grew and feel complete in myself now. Felt good to say that. Thanks for listening.
You're welcome
God bless you, I'm so glad for you that you have been able to experience what was missing for so long.
I don't know if you're spiritual, but I'm sure at some point in your life during your slogging you talked to God, he heard you.
You are an inspiration. Please keep sharing your success. Your story proves healing is achievable🙏🏻❤️
good work! thanks for sharing
GOOD FOR YOU !!! You are really an inspiration! I'm sort of close to your age, I am 70, and I can't believe that, at this age, I got fooled once again by a borderline/narcissist just this year. I'm getting too old for this! It's amazing how they can seem so nice, until their real selves come out. But I've learned a lot, and am now free and happy to be rid of this narc/borderline man. And all we were was just "friends". In any case, it feels wonderful to have my life back and not have to listen to him anymore.
Thanks for sharing.
When I was a child, my narcissistic mother would routinely remind me that I lived in her house and my feelings didn't matter and if I didn't like it, I could go live in the streets.
Wow word for word same with my father, they’re all extremely textbook which is extremely ironic considering they all want to believe they’re special and superior at the same time; they’re all the same as each other truly
Sounds like my mom haha
My mom told me exactly the same. That's heartbreaking how many parents treat their children like this. :\
@@elizaveta2407 Yep, the years that a parent has legal responsibility for their offspring is close to 2-decades. A lot of damage to a child's psyche can be done in that amount of time. By the time I reached adulthood, I genuinely believed my feelings didn't matter and as I moved thru the early years of my life, I wouldn't stand up for myself and would often accept the abuse of others. Although I don't allow that anymore, I now think I may have gone too far in the other direction because I am quick to attack anyone that I suspect is attempting to intimidate me. So you see what I mean about the damage 20-yrs of psychological abuse can do to a child?😉
@@TaDarling1 sure, I also go into fight or flight response quite quickly after what I've been through. So I totally get it! 🙌🏻 however, sometimes I feel like there's more narcissists than healthy people out there and they're very organized with their flocks of flying monkeys.. So at times I feel desperate and lose hope that I could ever feel peace.🤷🏻♀️ Have you ever experienced that?
When your mother is a narcissist there’s no way out…. No where to turn …. No way to make it better…. It’s a no win impossible situation that often makes life unbearable…. Even for the strongest most empathic spiritual warriors. It’s a no win situation. Just do your best to survive.
What you're saying here makes perfect sense to me.
After my marriage of 19 1/2 years ended, over 17 years ago, I would describe my relationship to her as a child always trying harder to be good enough so that mommy wouldn't be angry. By the time I realized that I should not have to earn the love, respect and approval of my wife my marriage had been over for many years. As an adult to begin with, I actually had a very good self image and have maintained that. My problem was that my own mother was emotionally disconnected as was her dad. So when I had a wife that was emotionally unavailable it didn't seem odd. It was only after she left, moved into hiding with the kids and began accusing me publicly of God only knows what that I learned that she is an extreme narcissist. Everyone thought that I was the bad guy. My unforgivable sin was finally standing up to her and screaming as loud as I could that she would never treat me the way she had been ever again. The next day I got home from work and she had moved out. In less than 10 days I was never again able to speak to my daughter who had always been a daddy's girl.
Now, I have 2 kids (son 32 and daughter 28) that I have barely seen for the past 17 years. I suspect they are poisoned beyond repair. I spent 4 years and a heck of a lot of money in family court fighting to have access to them. The only one anyone would protect was the only one that had never been abused.
You say there is no where to turn and no way to make it better. Perhaps not with your mother. My life is very good today. I have a wife and 3 wonderful grown step kids that have known me for about 16 years. There doesn't seem to be a way to ever connect to my own kids again. It is there that I continue to grieve.
Yes, it's a no win situation but we must continue to do the very best that we can to live our own lives and survive. We have value and we deserve that.
That’s not true. There is a way out. Walk away.Then heal.
I survived but only after a lot of pain, I am still vulnerable to critisicm and find it hard to stop trying to please everyone
I had a narcissistic mother and an indifferent father who always unconditionally took her side. There was no way out and no way to fix the problem and there was no such thing as Rock Bottom... It can always get worse.
I’m 68, and the story of my family of origin became much clearer after the death of our mother, 26 years after my father passed. They were both narcissists, one an obvious monster, and the other, insidious and possibly more destructive. I’m the scapegoat, and I’m proud. One can only take pride in being the one who didn’t fit in with a toxic, judgmental bunch of vicious gossips and bigots.
Amen!
Your Life and Family sounds like mine exactly! GOD Bless and be with U!
@@monabarber2335 And with you, Mona!❤️
Amen
Go girl from another scapegoat
A narcissistic parent will be mired in jealousy, too, especially to the same sex child. This will come out in extreme meanness, contempt and criticism. They will sabotage your successes and try to destroy your self esteem. To their way of thinking, happiness is finite and there is very little of it to go around. If you’re happy or proud of your accomplishments, you are “using up” all the happiness out there that belongs to them, not you.
They can see happiness as a zero sum game. Dr. C
You know my mother would come after me like a hound dog every time l said l am happy where l am in life.l had left a narc ex and building my self up again ,holding my head above the water ,facing the day ,trying to keep as balanced as l could.Then l had not figured out my mother but she would call and try to regurgitate my past.l would be surprised because l was not in a sorry or vengeful state ,l was in a get my life in order state.Until l figured mother out that’s when l realised why she was on to me so that she could try and pull me down and milk my misery .
Yes indeed, if my mother ever heard me laughing loudly at something on tv she'd come out of her room to see what it was and give me a stern look and tell me she was reading or focusing on something. Later in life she said it was cute to hear me laughing but I could see she wanted to suck the happiness from me. Never though a child's happiness was to be controlled.
@@tuffguydoe7937 You must be kidding me.Growing up l did not realise l was always cheerful and laughing freely .Until a few years back ,my narc mother tried the exact same thing to try and reel me back.She was like “l remember how you always laugh things off as cheerful as you are”.This stayed at the back of my mind realising no one ever said anything about my smile /laugh.But l picked up her tactic to try and butter me up.So she probably hated my cheerful self and did everything to suck that sunshine in me.
YES! About 7 1/2 years ago, I started a TRANSFORMATION journey that involved healing in the physical, mental, emotional & spiritual areas. I have lost 105 lbs and dealt with the other areas also. My journey has brought so much into clear focus. My mother has trashed me (probably because I have freed myself from her negative & narcissistic mindset). She is highly jealous when people have commented on my new path. Has actually said I should go back to my old, unhealthy ways. How perverted a mind that would prefer their child be ill (in body & mind). I'm NOT going back. At 70 years old, I have found my true self and she can't stand it!
I was thinking about this the other day how my mother put her fear of everything on me and criticize me and invalidated me till I know confidence myself. They destroy your life and set you up to being taken advantage of by predators. The predator I’m married to is way worse than my mother was.
Me too. The predator I was married to was more violent than my mother but equally cruel. I managed to get away and have done a lot of healing over the years.
Wishing you and anyone still feeling trapped in or recovering from an abusive relationship freedom from abuse, healing and good health. Zero contact and time are both excellent healers. With Dr Carter's videos (I also highly recommend Dr Ramani's videos) I hope you will find the tools you need to work towards freedom.
Get out
I know that one. Two sides of the same evil coin. Narcissist mom& the ex husband.
I understand completely. As a child, I knew nothing about narcissism, of course. Just knew my father was mean and angry, and must be obeyed or the consequences were painful. Sadly, I married someone just like him. It took years to realize nothing was going to get better. And many more years of therapy and healing to move on.
I had no idea about behavior patterns that could hold me hostage. I thought my mom was crazy.
She had given me the money for a hey ride. When I got home I was beaten by her. She said I could not go. What was that about?
In all my growing up years, I cannot recall even one time that my mother said what I did was good, or creative, or any other compliment you'd care to insert there. Not once. But I can recall MANY times she was unsupportive or critical.
I am so sorry you had this experience. My similar experience made me feel like a failure. No positive or helpful input. Sure my physical needs were met, but emotionally I was still out in the woods alone at night. I can finally say this was not bc of who I am.
@@sustapartin7907 God bless you. I do understand. Parents who are emotionally taxing but otherwise unavailable do as much damage to their kids I think as parents who abuse physically. I congratulate you for making progress away from that!! 👍
Literally reading this made me recall the same thing and I'd never thought of that before.
Dad thinks he is perfect and no one had better tell him otherwise(he doesn't listen anyway). I am 60 and he is still this way, exhausting for me, and he blames me for the abuse he heaved on me. Some nerve! I get heartburn thinking about him(it's rare.) I have nil to no-contact because of his lousy attitude/behavior/treatment to/of me. His loss! His girlfriend excused his behavior by saying "He's always been this way, he won't change." Not an excuse, much less a reason. I pity both of them for their poor attitudes/behaviors/treatment of me. You and I deserve better!
Same here
Yup, that's me and my mother. So much damage done over the years. 5 decades to be exact. Working on recovering. God be with me in this process. Thank you, Dr. C. I hope and pray that others affected by narc parents will likewise find their peace and finally heal.
Same here Annie. 56 years old and FINALLY getting therapy.
Exact same thing as me Annie. Am 68 yrs old & still struggling but my loving God & videos such as these help so much. If you happen to read this later on, I will pray for you & you please pray for me.
Same here. 5 decades.
I am so sorry for all of this. I can relate.
#metoo 😊
I often wondered why my mother was always so nice to others when she abused everyone else in the family. She dumped too much adult responsibility on me at a young age, and hit and yelled if I didn’t measure up. She constantly yelled at my dad. She’d be so pleasant in public but behind closed doors, it was like she turned into a werewolf. The abuse has left me with depression, anxiety, and bouts of anorexia. I hope to be born into another life with a loving mother. I envy people who have that now.
I understand that feeling. I would encourage healing though. Aside from this dr., melanie tonia evans is great :) I would encourage listening to her.
Exactly my story.....ah the wish of having a loving and caring mother is so painful
I don't wish for different parents, I just want to heal and be enough.
Don't waste your life being the victim, you can take responsibility and heal in this life. Break the cycle
@@samirakhaliq5512 its not painful once you let it go. It took me 37 years to finally let her go and my God is it amazing! No more guilt or longing ❤❤❤❤
my dad, now deceased 18 yrs was likely a malignant narcissist. He began beating me when I was only about two weeks old. I cried because I was allergic to milk and he hated that. He nearly killed me more than once. He was always violent and hated all of us, 6 kids and a low functioning. Mother. I've spent years coming to terms with it and have found that my freedom came with my ability to forgive them, along with years of therapy. I finally celebrate who I am in Christ.
I knew something was terribly wrong with my parents marriage, and our strife filled upbringing. My mother chose me to be her supply, and also to place her dissatisfactions on. I was rescued by Jesus and the very kind man I met over 40 years ago. Sometimes I think my twisted upbringing was necessary to lead me to noticing the kind heart of my husband ( we met in college) and it prepared me to seek our loving Savior. Also, He helped me move on without bitterness.
Beautiful!
This is why the justice system is a FAILURE!
The justice system has no concept of narcissistic behaviour, adulation, control issues, contempt, disdain, discourage, verbal abuse, emotional and psychological abuse.
Add in sexual abuse/humiliation and physical abuse and the parents/relatives are creating a monster who can turn on them some day.
Some day on the news you hear a neighbor say... 'Oh dear how could that be?'
The parents had a public facade.
How in the world did you find it in your heart to forgive them???? I ask this b/c I pray all of the time, been going to church, talking with priests, watching youtube videos, and I have such an anger in my heart. Maybe it's b/c I had to move back in with my mother, the ultimate narc, and my body and spirit are absolutely depleted. The emotional pain that I have to endure every day is affecting my ability to hold a job, it is destroying the person I am and I'm angry and hurt and confused and torn.
😢
How to summarize 50 years of pain and hardship in under 15 minutes.
This is the best description of the dysfunctional family I’ve heard for a while if not ever..sorry for all of us who have suffered as children.
I’m sorry too...... good luck to everyone....🙂🙂🙂
Everything he said was 💯 what both of my parents did.
Too many children suffer with parents that aren’t in a place to raise a child.
Generational curse. Our narcissistic parents were typically abused.
I am still suffering, to a degree. But that line is being re-drawn and I am not putting with any b.s. excuses/lies my narc dad feeds me.
Yes this one hit the nail on the head. That’s exactly what they are like. They can find bad in literally anything! Exhausting people.
@Serenity Smith I love validation like that. I hope it sticks in your father's mind.
Mine is so negative I use to tell people he's the guy that could make you regret winning the lottery. He could turn the "find a silver lining" saying inside out. He found the negative in any good thing, he even made me hate being alive.
@@lorimiller4301 sounds like my mother! It’s like they all follow the same code 🙃
Very exhausting !!! I know all about it.
Very much so . I’m 24 years old and still trying to find out what it means to have self worth and not base my reality off of guilt and shame . It can be quite crippling until you find out you were trained into having that mentality . Have to constantly remind myself that it’s okay to feel positive emotions . This was a great video to come across in the time that I needed it ☺️
EVIL people.
And when you point out their 'judgemental' ways, YOU are criticized for being judgemental......
Classic projection. Dr. C
They are so weak and negative, they can dish but their fragile egos can't take it, when you call them out they get so angry and if it ever happens around people they will get very vindictive!!!
They are VERY judgemental. I just now realize, that the movie named The Shack. Insinuated that the guy that played the dad was narcissistic. That's why the wisdom of GOD talked to him in that manner. That was pretty profound. I have NEVER noticed that before.
@@thelotusexperience6683 Yeah. Some people you just have to pray for and go on.
If you grow up being abused and betrayed by the very people you’re supposed to trust the most (parents), it comes as no surprise that narcissist will end up transferring their misery …even to their own children. In their twisted minds, they constructed a fake reality to survive, and were denied everything growing up. So they too condemned their own children by denying them everything they never had (love, stability , peace , security, trust). And a narcissist won’t hesitate to inject toxic poison into their own children in an attempt to turn them against the other loving parent. Narcissist can’t share a child’s love nor have their corrupted version of reality/truth be challenged . So the cycle of pain, dysfunction and abuse continues on to the next generation 😞
Yes and unless we stop it just goes on and on and on it’s transgenerational I think of what my grandmother was like it’s terrible she never even spoke to me I don’t think she ever talk to me once in my life she died when I was young so I didn’t miss her or know her she was an awful mother I didn’t know that she had seven kids and I don’t think she took care of any of them
They certainly do inject poison into the relationship with the non narcissistic parent! My mother cut off my relationship with my dad when I was a teenager and I reconnected with him later. When she found out about that, all hell broke loose. Her "love" (let's just rename that "mood") is completely dependent on whether she thinks I am in touch with my dad.
Quote from the last letter she ever sent me (pretending to be from her friend: I know better!)
"Isn't it time your selfish insensitive and irresponsible father showed the same generosity and consideration as your mum has, to his daughter and grandchildren for once in his selfish life?"
My dad has been the opposite of what the letters always state, which are consistently abusive throughout. Yuck.
And I'm sure her flying monkey family are rubbing their hands with glee as she reaches old age, excited about the inheritance she has stolen from me from my grandmother passing to them instead of me. Oh well: all the money in the world isn't worth the abuse involved that is knowing the cruel, vile, two faced hag.
Thank you,
You've just answered my question!.
@@happydillpickle be honest! Wouldn't you give ALL that money 💰 away and be free and happy 💕? Sometimes it's hard to explain to an outsider what it's like. I'm ready to give everything up. All I need is a bucket full of courage. Money can't buy that, can it!
@@amandapryar4675 Yes, exactly. It's kind of sad, but freedom doesn't have a price, does it?
I left home and cut off all ties 23 years ago thanks to narcissistic parents and I've never looked back! 🌻🌻🌻
@Mary Carroll that's how they work. Everyone else always has the problem, they will never take responsibility.
@@jeannebotes9547 I am going through same situation. Thanks for sharing.
I was an easy target for sexual assault because my narcissistic father’s rage trained me very early on that 1) I was not allowed to have nor enforce my boundaries, and 2) his verbal and physical abuse made me numb and ignore my gut feeling. I learned to just freeze and ‘take’ the hits without being allowed to fight back, so I reverted into this phase when I was assaulted.
“Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This is where therapists come in, to try and undo the wiring and establish healthy ones that weren’t given to us at the early stage of development. Dr. Carter’s videos have been SO insightful and helpful.
Children should be seen and not heard.
Obey your elders.
Do as you’re told.
Thank you for sharing your story. Valuable insight. I'm sorry you had to experience all of that. May your future be peaceful and full of everything you choose.
@@user-ii3vn8tn3q we were told to go away “ if I fart I’ll call you to smell it.” 🤬
My father trained me that same way. I froze through decades of all kinds of narcissistic abuse. My mother turned out to be equally as bad and I thought I had no right to anything, not to even be alive.
My sibling and i were Told " No you do not FEEL that way!""" (seriously???????!!!!!!!!!!??)
I was programmed to judge people, due to being judged. I've learned to reverse this reaction by, focusing on loving thoughts
Very neccessary for healing. Way to go
Impressive.
My mom judged EVERYONE. I know now that it was the constant fear of her also judging me, that made me terrified of messing up, so I lived a very very small life.
I'm working on this now too. It's tough.
@@jacquelinebeaulac1235 wow .. I relate . But I’m grateful that Jesus offers redemption and a new life and we can be reborn to start over and be courageous
Yes, and let’s not forget about all the “secrets” we children had to keep. Exhausting and deceitful.
You name it! What is again and again so astonishing to me is that ALL those parents (or mothers, as this was the main narc in my life) seem to act as in a movie, as if there is only one original script they all got and they say the same things, they behave in the same way, the have the same stories/traumas, they stay in the same place of victimhood and so on. No matter which language, which country, it's all the same. The only good thing about it is that anyone who has ever experienced that can understand all of the other children of narc parents (no matter how old) in an instant - and others who have never experienced that will hardly understand or believe or they will try to convince you that the mother didn't mean that, has not been that abusive, that you have to stay in contact just because "they are your parents nonetheless". It's so weird and in my opinion only one way to heal: No contact, no guilt, no discussion, no explaination.
@Mary Carroll I'm monitored around anyone mother wishes to impress to ensure I don't casually mention that abusive late stepfather who tried to strangle me in the backyard, oops... not sorry!!!
@@sandrabischof4818 sadly I agree with no contact as the best way to deal and heal. But a huge but. Its hard and can really tear the family apart even more seems like in my case anyway. They can fake and perform so to not even be able to have family holidays is sad, truly its all very very sad.
@@jussaraarundel9953 yes those monsters are real. Socks so bad to have encountered them as caregivers. God bless our healing.
@@lzcrazyzl6443 I think if you can maintain your own dignity, peace & personal power while in contact with narcissistic abusive family members, then it's better to keep in contact...but that's just the rub, they will try to rob you of any sense of personal sovereignty.
Thankfully my Mom was smart enough to ditch my narcissist father when I was small. She was a wise woman and always encouraged us to think for ourselves.
My Mom always says she never got married to young - only divorced too late. Thank your Mom for her wisdom every night before bed.
The painful echoes can become multi-generational. Tragically, there may be no helping those parents, but we can do better by our own children,and everyone around us.
Yes to this! My great-grandmother was a bitter, narcissistic woman with 4 girls and a lazy, worthless husband. 2 of those children (one of which was my grandmother) became what their mother was. My own mom mirrored that behavior and married a man who's own mother was an absolute monster. My entire life has shaped by narcissistic people and it's not shock that I married one myself; it's a pattern of behavior that you recognize. I have no children and it ends with me.
I work on honoring my children's uniqueness. I want them to shine for who THEY are.
My narcissistic mother became very angry and demanded I take down the links to your videos from Facebook.
Never once did I name her or any other name to the links.
I believe she was defensive.
I am afraid of my children bearing these scars. Realized recently that I married a narcissist and have been working on that. Now I realize my father was one as well, except I was the golden child with him. So much of my life is defined by their demands and preferences. Will I be able to put that aside and raise my children right? Constant fear I'll fail them.
This one brought me to tears. The mystery of my childhood is becoming clearer and clearer. Thank you, Dr. C.
Keep learning, J S. Dr. C
I found the book Primal Scream by Arthur Janov really helped me understand my childhood pain and how I stuffed my feelings. I also recommend Focusing by Eugene T Gendlin PhD. They really helped me to reconnect to my emotions. I had forgotten that feelings are a bodily expression of energy and that means movement. I froze my feelings in my body instead of letting them pass through.
These two books were the most helpful out of the thousands that I've read. There was another one that was about the 4 things your therapist should tell you or never told you something like that and one of those things was that you are not your feelings. For some reason that really struck a chord with me. That I could let it go was profound.
I'm still working on it though. I have severe Fibromyalgia now from stuffing all my feelings after my initial release while utilizing those two books. I guess I need to reread them and have another round of feeling of feelings.
What do you think Dr C, have you read them ?
@@lorimiller4301 have you read Dr. Alice Miller's works such as The Drama of the Gifted Child (originally titled Prisoners of Childhood) and For Your Own Good?
Hi,
Thank you Lori, your message is humbling. I do not know the two books you mentioned, but what you wrote about feelings is so true, you feel caged by them. I'll look out for the books you mentioned. I have heard of Alice Miller's book, never read it. I find movement helps tremendously, I do yoga, and as a child I used to dance my socks off, to the Bee Gees Saturday Night Fever. Without knowing I was releasing the tension in my body. This journey of healing is fascinating, humbling and inspiring all in equal measure. I love hearing the words of wisdom of the experts, but those of fellow survivors are a balm for the soul. Thank you for sharing.
Me too, greetings from México
OMG. Narc parents "don't respect your uniqueness", that hit home. Pretty well everything about me was wrong. But I didn't get the overt criticism it was small, petty nitpicking just constant judgement - nothing was quite good enough. My parents merged with both having different traits. Mum with covert styled petty constant criticism and judgement and Dad with anger and negativity. My brother was the 'golden child' and I was the 'scapegoat'. But neither of us got out unscathed from our childhood. Being the 'golden child' didn't deliver him into the world with well adjusted coping skills or even strong self-worth. To try and live up to that standard he has become a pathological liar, its awful. And I don't blame him at all. Because I hardly entered the adult world with great life skills and therefore resorted to dysfunctional coping skills myself. Even now it is a daily fight to not be like my parents. It becomes exhausting having to work at that level of awareness and not just be myself.
I can relate. Good luck to you. It’s not easy to learn how to live healthy and break old habits after the nightmare you lived 😎
🤯 I am just now learning all of this! Crazy….
That's almost exactly same story as myself and it's made me so ill
I too am the scapegoat of the family. I had bad coping skills too and I fumbled my way discovering how to be….. I know the lifetime of being the scapegoat.
“Never good enough” was the main theme from my parents. School report card time was emblematic of this: if I got a “B” in a class, it should have been an A. If I got a C, it might as well have been a D or F.
Their favorite saying (and I heard it often) was, “Good, Better, Best. Never let it rest; til your Good is Better and your Better is Best.”
... Then there was my dad’s recurring “You have so much potential” lecture. Have I ever, in my life, felt good enough? Never.
My mother most definitely manipulated me using guilt and shame, I was controlled to the extreme and my thoughts needed to be in line with hers otherwise I would be judged harshly.
My mom too.
Such a complicated dynamic to wriggle out of. My father molested me when I was five and although I told my mother what happened she made me see him again. Until the day he said we were going to dinner and he never showed up, the last time we had contact. She remarried a sexually damaged and predatorial man who disliked me, and who drove a hippy housetruck I was forced to live in for THREE years. He also touched me inappropriately. We traveled the US and I went to many different schools for months at a time where I was severely bullied and physically attacked, but she did nothing to help me. When we finally settled into a real house she had my sister who was extremely difficult and mom cried ALL the time. For the next 15 years she cried, slammed cupboard doors and punished me for not doing the dishes right. My sister grew up to be the golden child and mom never said a word to her about her insanely jealous and controlling behavior. I took it all and went along to get along, including everyone in my wedding, my showers, the birth of my daughter….all the while leading an exemplary life - straight A’s, always worked, never fired, I did the shadow work inside and wondered why I still felt unseen, dismissed and gaslighted whenever I questioned the toxic dynamic. Finally finally I found your videos and instantly had a language to use for all of the hell I’d been through. Narcissism. Covert. Scapegoat, etc. it’s amazing I had already defined these thing s to myself, just without the terms and without the understanding that it was all about them and their anger, their selfishness, their cruelty and their low vibrational ignorance. They act like they are so noble when if you look closely at her
life you see she did EVERYTHING wrong. She got pregnant when she was 17. She dropped out of high school. She took me away from my beloved grandparents in beautiful Santa Monica by the sea and threw me into a world of hostile strangers. She never went to college, she got divorced twice and she has estranged me, even though I am a loving, empathic, creative and super-smart, KIND person. She calls it weak. Calls me too sensitive, says I have a “filter” I see the world through because of my molestation. “Who knew?” She cries when I remind her that filter was her fault. She doesn’t like it when I show emotion and uses it against me. But she is always crying, aLWays. Either from sadness or from joy, she emotionally hijacks every situation and makes everything about her. She does everything she criticizes in me, so I haven’t shown her the real me in over ten years. I’m grey rocking her and my half sister forever. I can’t trust anyone in my family, they do not have my best interests at heart, despite all that I have given them. It’s over. Time to heal and time to find all that I need within myself. The higher the vibe, the smaller the tribe. And I like it that way! Thank you so much!
Thanks for sharing your story, Diane. Dr. C
Wow, there are so many things similar to my story. I also agree that these videos have confirmed for me what I already sensed to be true. Unfortunately my relationship with my sisters and dynamics in particular with one of them is very similar to yours. I had hoped they would sense the need to get therapy at some point with all the trauma we went through but since I’m the scapegoat they just project all their pain on to me instead. I’m done!
You are a strong person, be healthy
Wow, you can be proud of the strong woman you have become! I love your sentence: the higher the vibe, the smaller the tribe. I’ve choosen my lovely son, 1 aunt and 4 girlfriends to be present in my life. My parents are still living, but they don’t fit anymore. Love my life vibe now 😊
@Diane, your story made me cry, it is very similar to mine. I hope your life is filled with happiness now. Sending you hugs.
I grew up in more the emotional neglectful scenario. I remember feeling so lonely as a small child and more of a support to them than vice versa. Your first compliment in life…… should not come from a stranger.
I was raised catholic, but as I grew older and started to think for myself I couldn’t understand why we had to “honour “ and obey our parents, but there was no commandment about loving, and protecting children. Both my parents were abusive narcissists: father violent, mother alcoholic covert, so I had no protection. I left the church at the age of 18 and never looked back. Therapy, reading, self analysis, and help from wonderful people like Dr. Carter has helped me more than any religion or god.
There is one for parents- And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4 NKJV) I’m sorry about your childhood and I understand why religion is off putting to you. Much love sent to you ❤
Don’t let one avenue to God, ruin all avenues. You have a right to have your own unique connection to God. Your surroundings were just not right for you to perceive Him the way that is good for you.
Don't listen to them - therapy is much better than any faith or prayers.
@@krembryle7903I think the combination of the 2 is actually the best.
@@krembryle7903 the big trick ? ..finding a good one .
"Your worth is not defined by other people's perception of you." I had to hang this on my computer desk. I'm 60 and I have childhood luggage for life. My dad was a very mean narcissistic monster. Verbally and physically....except in public. Just as Doc described here.
Remember that quote. I believe it down to the core of my being. Dr. C
Verbally and physically....except in public.... mmm thats when I realized that they can control themselves, he was not a crazy man because of his past and you have to understand.. blabla.. no, he could have control his anger but he choose not to, he had a wonderful attitude in front of other people, never would have exploded in front of a police officer ... except in public... imagine being a crap person with the excuse that it is only in private
Thanks for your comment, it made me think a lot
My father was a monster as well.
@@starseeds8121 I am so sorry
@@miku5773 they can have a wonderful attitude in front of other people I agree. Perplexing to say the least.
The saying 'raised by wolves' is applicable to narcissistic parents.
How about "pack of wild dogs"?
That’s an insult to wolves
It all started when our mother would come to us and say- "you didn't give Daddy a hug today and it really hurt his feelings".... or "daddy drove by the kitchen window and you all weren't there to wave goodbye to him" etc... We had to fill that hole in them to make up for their painful childhood upbringing. Your video today made me realize that it's time for me to give their pain back to them and free myself from guilt.
@Mary Carroll "Exhausting?" That's an extremely polite way of putting it. Narcissistic parents (and narcissists in general) are psychologically and emotionally little children. Then the poor child is forced to take on the role of a parent. That's total abuse and traumatic for the child. These people should never, ever pro-create. But they do. Not because they love children and want to be loving and supportive parent who want to give their children the best opportunities, but for purely selfish reasons; they want to be taken care of when they grow old and frail. Pathetic.
So sorry you had to deal with this. Dumping unrealistic expectations on children as guilt is such a crime. So very sorry.
@@olgakim4848
By the time I was 12, I could see that those people weren't mature enough to date, much less marry and have children. I was their fourth child. At 88 years old, the N still had the emotional maturity of a child, and the ethics of a _____.
Awful. Guilting a child for not meeting adults needs is *WRONG*
@Jennifer Campbell Well put.
Training yourself out feeling on all levels you are responsible for the narcs feelings has taken me more than half of my life and still not fully integrated that.
“Home Persona vs Outside Persona”. In old school Irish parlance this is known as ‘House Devil/ Street Saint’.
Good way to describe it. Dr. C
I endured slapping sessions from both my adopted parents, usually for imagined slights, giving the wrong answer, not giving an answer or even giving right answer the wrong way. Then she would tell me she did it because she loved me. Fortunately I outgrew them physically by 14, and I threatened to hit back. After that I was labelled as rebellious and having bad blood. I was also labelled as sneaky, they discovered I had a secret savings account and went to self defence classes. Looking back, they weren't just angry with me but angry at the world. I was not a rebel BTW, I was quite a conformist, I joined the army at 18 and never in trouble, even once.
Sounds like you were and are level headed and had figured out a future. Congratulations.
Well done 👏
Good for you! That’s a lot to overcome! You should be very proud of yourself!👏🏼
My mother was one for slapping.
She did it often until I was about 18.
My heart's really goes to as I was reading a bit of your story My heart started drop to my eyes watered up and it's like I got a frog in my throat I am so sorry that you experienced this I pray to God in Jesus my name that you managed to get healing I asked Jesus Christ of mass are too please heal you and reveal himself to you God bless you
They take all the credit and none of the blame, the blame: is dumped on the survivor.
I couldn't understand for a long time why my narcissist father seemingly has no love for me anymore but either verbal abuse or disinterest at best. I now take it as a compliment because I understand that it stands for his inability to control me physically or financially. I am by the Grace of God a fully independent person in my own right
Thank your lucky stars or God. Most people end up brain washed by narcissistic parents and usually became damaged throughout life psychologically or financially or both.
Psychological imprinting starts at birth till puberty, 9, 10 or 11 years old. The permenant brainwashing starts at that age.
Same here. He has called me “different “ many times and treated me as such. His “other two are more like him”. I see now what a good thing it is to be “different” and I pray for his “other two” my sisters who I love very much but I’ve come to see often treat me with the same contempt and disdain he does. I pray they can step away from all of the unhealthy behaviors, get some therapy and heal.
Amen
Damn right. 💯
There was always this very weird thing about control in my house as a child. Just things that most other people wouldn't even think of wanting to monitor or control. And it was all day everyday. Everything had to be micromanaged. Its actually something that sets an immediate red flag for me with people. Everything does not have to be complicated and difficult. I never understood why everything had to be so hard.
I know this one well. Micro managing, guilt , bullshit religion, conformity... everything was never good enuff and eve rything was a hassle. everything good came with strings attached.
This hits home, there were rules upon rules, I had to let them know at all times where I was. Everything that was normal was forbidden, and I could not leave the house much. They put me into all sorts of places to remove free time, and they'd be monitoring everything.
Some of the scoldings for pursuing what I wanted haunt me to this day. I left my body for 10 years it feels, and now I'm picking up the pieces, and realising that the child I was shouldn't bear all the guilt that I put on myself. I hope you guys the best :possibly fake smile idk:
I can relate to this to 100 %. They are so mentally sick that they have to control everything, they live in a false reality created by their sick minds. They are drawing other people into that false reality to control. And as you say they are making everything difficult and complicated, maybe because they are too dumb and narrow minded to actually understand anything. All in all those are very damaged people who had to be treated early on. I really wonder how many lifes had been destroyed because of that Idiots.
It doesn't. Sorry you had to go through that.
@@michaelking4578 Thank you Michael.
The saddest thing about narcissistic and self hating parents is that they pass the narcissism and self hate on to their children, who in turn become narcissistic and self hating people. It's like clockwork and never fails. The only thing to do is go to therapy and try to break the cycle.
I inadvertently put pain onto my children. By ignorance. Trying not to be like my own narcissistic parents. Cptsd. Depression.
A thick, leather cowboy belt hung over the kitchen chair at the head of the table. It announced Obey-or-Else. No free will or discussion. Objecting or attempting to set limits was considered backtalk, “brat”, “bad”. That belt was flimsy from overuse when I left for college.
Ah, yes. Mom's tool of choice was a large wood-handled Fuller hairbrush. She said she didn't want to spank us with her hand because she'd hurt her hand.
My mother is 94 years old and is still the same, she puts me down as soon as she see's me and tries to make me feel guilty that I wont let her live with me or in my other house, it would be a nightmare! I tried it once, she threatened me daily and wanted everything her way. Its real hard for me to visit her in the nursing home because it's nothing happy about it. I feel bad I don't see her but I am the only one out of 7 children who will go see her. I just wish I could have some happy memories but it isn't going to happen.
My 95 year old mother is the same- she’s selfish, controlling, demanding and manipulates with guilt. Never pleasant to be around.
Some times people never realize how blessed they are when someone takes time to come and visit.
I'll never get over the beating I got for eating a corncob incorrectly. I don't know what I did wrong to this day, but I was warned and tried to put it aside, but soon forgot and started eating it again. I was about 10, an outstanding student and helper to my parents, a clean little girl with long braids and a desperate need to fit in and please them. My father and his parents were exactly as you describe--strange rules that they never explained, but could get you beaten badly. Another time at 14 I got off the bus one stop later and was chased down and beaten black and blue by my father. My mother suggested that I not go to the Base swimming pool, because "people might notice those marks and ask questions." Somehow I survived, got several advanced degrees (including a PhD) and had a good adult life, but the memories still haunt me. Sometimes I still cry about it. I didn't know that if I had spoken up to a trusted adult, maybe it would have stopped or changed. "Good" children didn't seek out help back then.
@@Sunny-en4tzI’m 62, the beatings I got were horrific! I’m sure we both have sad stories. I have still not come to terms with it. I hear you ❤
Your parents are the best parents of the world, according to my parents.
I can't wait for this one. I was in a good mood this morning, then had a 4 minute conversation with my mother and have felt sad ever since. In just 4 minutes she managed to ridicule me, falsely accuse me and let me know she'd rather go do something else instead of talk to me. But it was all done very subtly. Years ago I wouldn't have even recognized it as being ridicule and false accusation, I would just see it as her usual frustrating manner of conversation. In a way it can be worse to know exactly what they're doing.
Time to disentangle. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Disentangle. I like that. Thank you so much for all the work you do to educate and help so many towards healthy relationships and happiness ☺️
Sometimes no contact or a break from contact can be really helpful!
It’s such a rush the moment this realization hits, huh? Not you. Whew.
Yeah, mine did all those things but she was very obvious about it. Not subtle at all. She made it well known that I was a bother to her and should never have been born.
This is my dad. I have to undo damage he has done to me.
Alex ….my friend…pray …pray with all your might and find the peace you so deserve .
I learned young. I walked away from my narcissistic mother and older sister roughly 20 years ago. Since then I've learned to love and be kind to myself with the understanding that keeping an open mind, letting go and forgiveness are essential to being free. 😊💚
Dr.C you are absolutely correct.You are describing my mother. She has destroyed my life.10 years ago, I went to school to get away from her and God punished me even more by cursing her with cancer. I have been caring for her alone. No family no friend no one ONLY ME. I have been stuck and am stuck until she dies. The toll of her abuse, narcissist and illness has taken such a toll on me that I am unable to cope and function. Now to a point of exhaustion mental, physical and emotion with physical response of my body getting ill myself. NO THERAPY NO PERSON NO ONE CAN HELP UNLESS SOMEONE CAN CARE FOR HER! ONE CAN ONLY HEAL BY GETTING PERMANENTLY AWAY FROM A NARCISSISTIC AND ABUSER! People GET OUT ASAP and HEAL! Run as far as possible and as fast as possible…..
Gabrielle I’m so sorry things are so terrible. I’m praying some kind of breakthrough comes to relieve you soon. God loves you, and I’m hoping you will stay strong. There isn’t an easy way to fix this awful so called curse. God didn’t do that. Please call on him for help. I’ll be thinking about you., praying.
@@CharMinsky Dear Char, thank you very much for your kind and compassionate words. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. You are correct. I am praying and asking God for help every moment of the day. God bless you and your family. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
PLEASE GET AWAY FROM HER. YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. LEAVE HER TO DIE. SHE DOESNT CARE ABOUT YOU AND YOUR HEALTH. ITS NOT WORTH THE SACRIFICE AND YOU COULD DIE TOO.
Feel so sorry for what your going through I don’t think I could bear it I live in another county from my nmum she has a husband who is the enabler . Hope you find peace 🙏
@@mandymckeown8625 god bless you and thank you ❤️🙏🏻🙌
Wow. It was as though you were describing my entire life. At the age of 50 I finally saw the truth and realized the problems in our family did not stem from me after all. They never had anything to do with me. This revelation set me on a path to wholeness and freedom.
I realized why I was so insecure, anxious and felt as though I really did not matter. It showed me why I struggled in my friendships throughout my life. And it made the desire in me even greater to speak love, truth and worth into my children.
I would never wish the childhood that I had on anyone; but if it means I can help others and give my children a better life, then all was not in vain.
Thank you again, Dr C., for sharing your wisdom and knowledge. No matter where one is in the process, watching these videos brings validation, understanding, and most importantly hope. Hope that things can change and that change can begin with me.
Thanks, Candy. I'm so pleased to be included on your journey with you. Dr. C
I too feel the same way Candy. I feel blessed to have an opportunity to break the generations of trauma that has been passed down for so many years. I pray for my future and current in-laws and for my grandchildren and their children. I have an opportunity to recover and heal and I’m going to take it.
I was the scapegoat and I could do nothing right. When I was 13, I found out my dad had been married before my mother, briefly. So I developed a fantasy that my real mother was my dad’s first wife, not the woman pretending to be my mother, and his first wife loved me but was too young to be able to care for her child. I always knew it was a fantasy but the thought of it helped me through my teenage years. As an adult, I walked away from my mother and went to school to develop the talents and skills to become the person I was always meant to be, something never accepted or respected by my mother … an artist and musician.
Way to go!!!
I've spent a lifetime overcoming my mother's wrath and at 72 years old have an incredible wife , 2 successful grown children and have become a positive force sharing love and respect with those that matter.
My dad was fine, but my mother was a full blown narcissist; It was a case of Do As I Say, And Not As I Do. She used to blame my brother and I for just about everything that happened instead of taking any responsibility for her own actions. I beared the full brunt of it after my dad died because I was at home with her. Nothing I did was ever good enough for my mother, and she let me know it.
I DON'T HAVE A narcissist parent but my brother is married to a narcissist . The mother is extremely abusive towards the kid.
The mother lies constantly and what you explained in your video is absolutely 100% correct . However these people , once you get to know them become extremely predictable.
Respect a child’s individuality.
After what we have all been through I wonder if the idea of a Kibbutz with shared parenting is the best way to treat children
Dad hates women, the way his father did, and doesn't excuse Dad's treatment of me, as an extension of himself. I am nothing like him and proud of that! "I'm me."(Dr. Carter's words) I deserve better than Dad!
I had years of therapy, he couldn't understand why I needed it , my best therapy was no contact, thankyou for your video, iam trying to model myself on what a narc isn't
So I know my parents are narcissists, but what frightens me is when people outside the family see the abuse as a positive cultural value. Makes me sick. It’s like the parents who proudly say, “Of course I whup my children!” but instead of beatings, they see manipulation, bullying, discouragement, and control as love.
It's so liberating when you finally realize your own autonomy, that you don't have to please your parents, you get to choose what job to pursue, what town to live in, what kind of dwelling you want, and what kind of spouse, and how your going to handle the decisions of your own life.
I, unfortunately, did choose my profession because of my father. I considered being a police officer to protect others from mean, evil humans and I also wanted to be a civil engineer. My father ridiculed and belittled me for merely expressing these thoughts, as I am female and these were not professions for females in his opinion. So to appease him, I chose education as a career instead.
@@sunshine9122 That sucks. My dad similarly was only willing to pay for my education if I chose nursing, secretarial, or computer programming, and the latter was a valiant adaptation on his part. I wasn't the slightest bit interested or inclined towards any of those things. I was interested in art and the history of dress. I ended up with only a few night school classes, one of which I paid for myself. I later became self-employed as a historical costume maker, which was very fulfilling, but after 7 years, and needing a divorce over marriage destroyed by poverty, it still didn't pay enough to pay a rent, and I had to give it up. I am now a custodian. : / Proud of me now Dad?
I really appreciate these videos on Narcissistic Parents. My father was extremely controlling and abusive until I finally went no contact with him at age 39.
He would literally show up to my house I owned unannounced and uninvited, throw away my things, dig into my private spaces, lecture me on how I was not maintaining my yard up to his standards, and scream and yell at me. He continues to try to get back into my life and has been going from councilor to councilor trying to find a councilor who will agree with him that he is 100% right and tell me I need to let him back into my life. These councilors contact me and I tell them exactly why I cannot have him in my life, they understand my position and tell me "I understand your position but your father is so defensive that he is unable to hear anything I tell him. I tell him the only person he can change is himself and he cannot control you but he is fixated on finding ways to change you."
I wish there were more discussion letting adult children know it is okay to go no contact with toxic parents. It is so taboo in this society that people like me think we have no other choice than to put up with the abuse until the parent dies....
The Bible says that anyone talking about a parent negatively should be put to death. I read that the other day and I was horrified.
I can relate to your story because I have the same situation. I wish you all the best, be strong, and firm to what you believe is good for you. 🌹🌹
You have the right to stay away from anyone who causes you pain. You have the right to say no to abusive family members. I am no contact with my entire narcissistic family. Being related doesn't excuse abuse.
He sounds like a real nutcase. People need to know that they should leave their narcissistic parents behind early on. Don’t wait till they croak like I did. They will actively seek to ruin you if you don’t go no contact.
@@lauriej.5706 The Bible has been edited and written by men who had a certain agenda and had their own misperceptions so I wouldn’t believe that for a second. It’s actually laughable.
Dr C. Thanks for not retiring from UA-cam. We appreciate your insight and suggestions very much 😀 😊 👍
Thanks Kim. I'm really enjoying this outlet! Dr. C
Again Dr.Carter , I am amazed at how many of us have been existing in these horrible conditions . God bless all of us !! 🙏
Thanks, Patty. Dr. C
Growing up, I thought everyone knew that any rules about anything could change at any time. Be the hero one day, be the "screwup" the next.
As a fellow child and now adult victim off a Narc Parent who is still dealing with said parent in their older age I send love and hugs to you all who have gone through the same as myself.
Thank you Dr Carter for opening my eyes to what I was naively put through as a child. God Bless you and all who are Victims
Thank you. God bless you as well. Lots of love and hugs, friend.❤
This video is a gem. I have always asked the question, "Why me?" A very painful, fearful product of my narcissist dad's hell of his childhood. This puts in perspective that I'm definitely not alone. I've gone back and forth my entire adult life asking myself can I really forgive this that happened to me? I waffle with this. Just knowing that at age 32 that I was able to get away from his control and learn who I really am was such freedom. I hope others can get that freedom I had felt.
Audra (what a beautiful name), so glad 😊 you are learning to be the person who you are and living in the freedom to be you and that you are enough. You are worthy of love, peace, and true joy in your life! Treat others better than they deserve not for their sake, but because that's who YOU ARE! And hope you experience the relief and freeing joy of forgiveness, again, not because they deserve it, but because you release them from having any control or influence in your life anymore. Shame and guilt BE GONE! Only LOVE, ACCEPTANCE, AND HEALTHY SELF-RESPECT LIVE HERE NOW! PEACE!
@@jeanschneider1326 ty so much for the compliment. I'm 45 now and I still think about the pain my dad has caused. My son and I get together at my parents house each holiday. Thanksgiving was awful with my dad's attitude and nastiness. It took a long time to get to that place that's healthy within me.
Freedom, indeed! And I'm with Jean...what a beautiful name. Dr. C
I can totally relate to the “Why me?”. More than anything I would feel (and still do) cheated at not having a normal parent . Which would lead to feelings of sadness and anger. Never being able to let your guard down ever! Something I still struggle with. Being vulnerable translates to extremely risky business.
Just today I was saying to myself “Why me?” about the horrific life I’ve had and I’m ready to end it. All I’ve known is hatred and pain. I’m thinking of committing suicide tonight. I can’t overcome the immense damage that my parents did to me.
My mum was a parental alienator in denial. She tried to make me into a musician and a far left activist. She used shaming, ignored personal boundaries, and blamed me rather than trying to understand me. I was the family scapegoat. I became a people-pleaser and ended up making poor choices of friends. I tried to embody the very narcissistic traits that worked for them, thinking it was smart but ultimately it led to ruin. It wasn't until I swept all of the vampyres out of my life that I began to heal, and I still have a long way to go. Recently, a friend reminded me of how much I value and embody honesty. He said ot sometimes works against me but I realize now that it was how I coped with the dishonesty of the narcissists in my life. Most lies are told out of fear. Honesty, which includes the refusal to live in a fantasy, takes courage. It may not save you 100% of the time, but it is your sanity's best defense.
There are just so many damaging aspects to dealing with narcissists. Dr. C, I hope you will do another video on how and why so many of us are struggling physically from long-term narcissistic abuse. It's so important to let others know that they (narcissists) can destroy your mental and physical health (which can leave you even more dependent on them and open to even more abuse).
God help me...I have Grand twins...not in contact with now....only 12 but one is the Golden Child and one is the Scapegoat...my only child is a Covert married to an Overt...all my relationships have always been stolen early on by Family Narcissism...what a painful life
That’s for sure. Now I’m physically disabled, living alone and trying to heal from 68 years of many types of abuse. Living alone and retired is not the worst thing to do, living with an abuser of any type is.
Check out the work of Dr john Sarno. Dan Buglio as well on UA-cam to help with the physical pain.
@@ef7856 Will do and many thanks 😊
We had an unavailable Dad who acted " single""" and made all children witness cheating & no boundaries:: YIKES
This is my mother. When my father joined the military it was very difficult for my mother. My father’s long absence whenever he was stationed overseas brought out the worse in my mother. I had a difficult childhood to say the least. I’m sure your video, Dr C, will hit home to me and many others.
Absolutely the same with my parental "figures". The PTSD heightens my dad's narc traits, but either way, live your life, not the life they assume for you!
@@EsteemedMentality Agree💯%
@@SewDiva5691 The two world wars have done a lot of damage. I was raised by German post-WW2 refugees, need more to say? 😩🙏
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER nope, that says it all. I remember how my narc grandmother was like. I saw the same narc traits in my mother. Ugh! 🤦♀️.
@@SewDiva5691 I feel sorry for them yet they're still responsible for their deeds. I'm so grateful that God drew me near Christ in 2005 so my soul could be healed. Still suffering from my mothers lies but there will be no more pain in heaven with Christ. God will deal with her in plain justice. My sins are forgiven. Her lies will be judged as she hates God so much. John 3:16-19 🙏
You explained this so well. You are a gift to everyone here. Narcissistic parents can’t love. Go to therapy as soon as you can.
I’ve been mostly no contact, certainly no conversation, with my covert narcissist mother for nearly two years and feel so much better, she can’t hurt me anymore. Friends and family have been amazingly supportive. Now it’s time to work through how the relationship affected me, understanding/validating my wants and needs, and being a stronger self advocate and not such a pleaser.
Yes. Healing ourselves is an on-going project in life. When I gave my toxic narcissistic family members the middle finger, I knew I had exactly what it takes to take care of myself & ability to give myself what I never, ever got when I was growing up & living in a neglectful, highly critical, judgmental household.
Ahhhhhh. Freedom.
Good for you!
Recently for me it was my stepmother. I felt bad I couldn't feel good enough about how she seemed to make my father happy, and that she was trying to make me happy. But there was so much fawning in her brand of happiness.
I am two years no contact with my narc mom and I have no regrets- only that I didn’t do it sooner. Except for my only two of my family members support me and the others are flying monkeys or her enablers.
I have a narcissistic father. These videos have been helping me trying to understand what's been happening.
I have much guilt over this topic, as I did not recognize how much damage my ex did to our daughter. I thought I protected her, but it wasn't enough.
Not need to have guilt over someone else's pathology. You may feel regret or grief, but don't beat yourself up. Every one of us has been pulled in by their schemes. Healthy people feel what they feel, then make adjustments. Dr. C
Hi Nancy...I felt the same way after my ex left and began to see the damage left behind...my ex was only in our lives 6yrs and out of the six years..my son got exposed..all I can do at this point is continue to fight, and do not let the guilt get in my soul...I do this by staying plugged in self help groups and I also have a sponsor....listen to Dr. C..🙏
Know that you are loved....❤and I am sure once the guilt leaves your daughter will find beauty in your strength, love and hope..❤🙏🦋🌊🌴
I hope I'm not being too forward here but I feel the need to weigh in:
As a kid of an enabling dad who let the narcissistic parent (my birth mother) hurt me for a long time --- I think what's important is that your guilt isn't going to help you or your kid.
While I feel a lot of anger and grief towards him, I don't want my dad to live in a state of perpetual self hatred or grovel in guilt. That's not what I want for him and that's not what I need from him.
I absolutely want him to be accountable for the damage to me and own up to the truth, but above all I want him to do his own trauma work and to heal.
The best thing you can do to help your kid heal, is to listen to what your kid has been through and validate their experience without denying it or minimizing it in any way. Let your kid express their grief and anger towards you, and validate it without making any excuses. Your kid was hurt, and they need to know that you have their back, even when they're mad at you.
But also practice self empathy for your own pain --- you're a victim of the narcissist too and have your own wounds, and the best thing you can do for your kid is to get trauma therapy and go after your own healing --- *you deserve to heal for you !!!*
But also by modeling that healing and self love, your kid will learn that they matter enough for you to do that cycle breaking work, and also that they deserve healing and self love as well.
Wishing you all the best, I know this is really rough stuff ❤
If you feel guilty, tell your daughter and offer a heartfelt apology. She will appreciate your acknowledgement.
@@ckingsman3894 ^^^
The first and most difficult step for me was realizing that the irrational voice in my head was merely introjections from my father. I followed that voice blindly for nearly half my life. In retrospect, I think I was (unwittingly) aware of it as I often had this bizarre feeling that my thoughts didn't belong to me. Once I realized that irrational voice was him (and not me); I was finally liberated.
Wow. Every word you spoke was my childhood. In my middle age, through self reflection I discovered that I had lived my entire life trying to prove that I had worth, and now I know why. Thank you Dr Carter, your help is priceless.
You're welcome, Shari! Dr. C
Definitely my father…100% he will never admit to it or even accept responsibility or apologize and make up for it. Glad to be out, away, and free!
I was the scapegoat. My father and my sister still relegate me to the scapegoat role. Unfortunately, my sister's identity integrity is still based on me playing the role of scapegoat. She was the golden daughter. I was the bad daughter even though I was a shy and quiet child who tried to do everything to please my parents. And yes, my sister's golden child status was contingent on her doing what my parents wanted her to do. I do realize she suffered too and was damaged too. Although I intellectually understand the dynamic, it does not make this dynamic any better. AND I'm almost 65 years old. My sister was taught well how to treat me, from a very early age and my sister is younger than me. My relegated role as scapegoat was already established and my brother, was a golden child too, because he was the son and the oldest sibling but he had a hard life as the golden child son who had to be under my father's continuous thumb and constantly performing in business as well as in the family. My brother's life was cut short in an accident at the age of 31. Much tragedy in our family.
I had a similar situation being the scapegoat. I am the oldest, 67 years old. My youngest sister is 9 years younger and my other sister is 6 years younger. Both were golden children. Today we really don't have much of a relationship. They were allowed to do things I couldn't but I saw they also suffered and as they got older it effected them more. They were extremely spoiled but our mother expected complete control over their lives. My younger brother also had an accident at 9 and only lived to 60. His life was controlled by my mother and I believe he was even made to be sicker so he wouldn't leave her. It seems our family also had a lot of tragedy as well. Very sad. I am so sorry.
@@walkwithtruth My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry you have suffered a lot in your life. I hope you have found genuine love to share. I know what it's like to think that the malignant narcissist exacerbated or created the environment for tragedy. I have had to seek peace within myself for both the deaths of my brother and my mother in the controlling and abusive hands of my father.
1love to you and peace and blessings
I can relate! I was the scapegoat child of my family as well. I was the middle child, only boy with an older and younger sister. My mother was proud of me, but not as proud as she was of my sisters. Same went for the "love" too. My condolences go out to you and your family! May peace be with you 💜🙏☮.
My Narc Mother just passed away, I always tried to please her but nothing I've done was ever good enough. I saw jealousy, I felt put down with the name calling. She kept me from my Father. My Grandparents, my Auntie, was my everything I still cry for them. But they are watching me from Heaven.
6:30 The at-home persona and the out-there persona: "house devil and street angel."
it's almost funny, how at middle age i finally realized just how much i was a magnet for narcissistic and manipulative people, yet it was still several more years before i realized how very narcissistic my own parents were and how very far they had worn down my defenses. they match the profile described here perfectly, and are both of the vulnerable narcissist variety, but for most of my life i thought they were just old fashioned and backwards, while they forever refused to respect even the concept of boundaries and fully imposed their collective identity over mine, like one beast with two heads. i learned the hard way that a child who is victimized by narcissistic parents tends to be victimized over and again by other manipulators. i'm definitely WAY better off now, mentally, for having gained much understanding as to how narcissism works and how it has affected me via a number of people
Growing up with two narcissistic parents was insane . I would wet the bed and stuttered until my early twenties ( I’m turning 69 in a couple of days ). My father never said anything nice to me ever , his favorite words for me was that I “ was the reason for his demise ! “ . When I was in Junior High , he broke three of my vertebrae’s with my baseball bat for not disciplining my older brother when my mother ask me too . I had to tell him I was sorry for getting him so upset . I would get beatings for “ Just in case I got any ideas of getting into trouble “ . I never shed a tear when he died , I was 40 when that happened . He tried to discipline my two boys and talk down at them but I wouldn’t let him and told to knock it off or I was going to punch him in the mouth . I wish I would’ve founded you along time ago . Thank you for helping others .
I'm honored to be with you on your journey. Dr. C
They dont want you to air the family's "dirty laundry" outside and tell you to not tell others what goes on inside the house. They KNOW their behaviour is horrendous but they have a persona to keep up outside the home (sic). It must be from where the metaphor " social angel and home devil" was derived.
This is another invaluable video! At 60, I share life with my 18-yo HS senior son. Your guidance has helped me break the patterns I experienced from my own mother, especially since my ex moved out 7 years ago.
My son and I have developed positive mechanisms for handling disagreements, granting each other space when needed, recognizing the gifts each of us brings to the relationship, and generally enjoying each other as we journey forward. Teen years can be fraught with issues, yet we've navigated the pandemic really well despite sharing the house 24x7 for months on end.
I wish my son's father and I could have employed similar tactics and shown the same kind of respect. But I've realized that he has much in common with my narcissistic mother. Being away from him has freed me up to release the person and parent I really am-- who delights in the unique characteristics of my son and gives respect even in the face of conflict.
Thank you for your terrific insights, Doctor C.
That’s lovely.. heartwarming. Well done
It was MY personal job to bear the pains and heart aches of my parents. I had little to no worth, except that I might be almost acceptable if I stuck around to take care of my parents in later life. And I did. But I have this to hang on to: I know I did the right thing and without complaining. So I believe that I did the moral thing.
Psalm 139 might be a good start for you to read more into what GOD thinks about you. 🙏💖
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER Thank you for that. I will check that out. 🙂
I was abandoned by my mother in a real sense as she went out to work and left in the daily care of my older sister who is a malignant narcissist and was abusive my entire life. My mother was consumed with trying to "help" her to feel good about herself, trying to appease her, to the expense of me and my emotional care. I always felt on the outside of the family. My son is also a narcissist, as was his father and grandfather. Now I have little family left, trying to navigate my own life and emotional health by not subjecting myself to interactions with them. It's survival, nothing less.
I suspect my mother raised me this way. She transferred her pain to me. Awful
I pray for all the victims. Please pray for me as well. It is so sad and disheartening. But we can overcome with courage, honor and discipline of thy self. Train our minds to be warriors of love and forgiveness. Lord have pity on the narcissist.
Well said. I think I will make a poster of this comment ♥️👍👍
I have blamed myself for so long...never felt emotionally or mentally nurtured properly...always felt like something was missing...left me with a lot of fear and self doubt and straight up rage from the painful feelings that never seem to go away...religious narcissism is the worst cause you end up with this voice in your head from them and they somehow get you to think God is against you...like you can't do anything right ever...
That is not from God. They clearly have no idea who God is. I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through all that!
Thank you sir. My brother was found dead a week ago. My narc parents are having a hoot about it, as awful as it is, and the only defense I have is to apply to my mental illness as a reason why I can't take part in the funeral circus. It is so hard to not become that boot licking dog for them again, especially now as the golden child is dead and I as a scapegoat am what they are left with.
I am so sorry for your loss. At a time like this you need to be with those who know how to provide comfort. Dr. C
Don’t forget that you don’t have to make excuses (for not wanting to be around toxicity). Courage dear fellow human being 💖
Palapeura, I’m so sorry for your loss. Something that my counselor and others cannot comprehend is that I don’t want my mom and sister do my funeral if I die before them because I know how they will use the ocasión to attract attention, this is very hard for people to understand but that’s how they operate.
@@florencia2771 have you thought about finding a different counselor? Maybe a trauma informed therapist? I’ve seen others before who were not, now with a trauma informed therapist, it’s made all the difference. Your feelings about that are absolutely valid & the fact that these people aren’t giving you that validation just tells me that either they don’t understand what you’ve been dealing with or they just don’t care. I understand 150% & I’m soo sorry. Stand your ground love, you’re SO much stronger than you know🦋
@@XoxoNot yes, that’s something I will do. I cannot work with someone who does not understand my pain, and does not understand narcissistic abuse. Thank you 🙏
We have to learn to "mother" ourselves, as well as our children, to break the unfortunate cycle.
The person that called himself Dad to me was a narcissist and I have never recovered from the horrible games, lies, dishonesty, evil, etc., that he put upon me and I am 78 years old. I feel even after therapy on many occasions totally unnecessary, unwanted, unloved, unimportant about my whole life. My last experience with that narcissist was 15 years ago and he lied to me, held me hostage for three days and got away with it, totally destroyed my life, my friendships with good people, everything about me, my character, etc. At 78 years of age, is it really worth it for me to try to become happy? Is it even possible? I do like you as a person and would like to be all over this as I am totally estranged from all of my family at this point. The narcissist is dead but my youngest sister is a narcissist, and to be honest with you, I hate her guts. Thanks for listening.
Horrible horrible life.
I will not have peace from the ugly words and ugly treatment until I die.
Then I can have peace.
Same here Lisa. Same here.😭😢
Unfortunately, narcissistic parents can train you to in how to be overly critical. My father’s favorite line, “You can’t do what you just did.” Really?
I spent my life trying to stay out of trouble and anticipating the needs (demands) if difficult people. To say that’s stressful is an understatement.
My husband was the oldest of 7. The next two, a brother and a sister, each tried their hardest to be the "golden child" who their parents would love and approve of. But no matter what they did, they never got that approval. My husband, on the other hand, was the family terror, the Black Sheep from the time he was a toddler. His tactic, apparently, was to get attention by being bad. And it worked as you might expect - he got the attention, negatively, but he never got their approval. No matter what he did, his father let him know he was disappointed in him.
His mother, a malignant narc, was just abusive, looking for any and every opportunity to punish all of the siblings, especially for not being perfect so she'd look like the perfect mother.
In the end, all of the siblings, one way or another, are highly critical of others. They go out of their way to find something, ANYTHING, negative to say about people who have no value to them. You never hear positives except for the favored few.
So when you reach emancipated adulthood, you have to learn to give yourself permission to be openly honest (kindly so, that is) and to make decisions your narc parent(s) never would have allowed - to live as you see fit by rejecting their shadow over you.
Best wishes to you. How does any of us process an entire upbringing, the first 20 years of our lives at least???
Ugh…. I am very critical and I hate it!!! 😩
I just want to give you a hug. Thank you .
Virtual hug received! Dr. C
You reciting the message of how a functional parent speaks to their child felt so raw. I never had adults or family that reassured or cared enough about my safety. It’s why I’m so easily startled- by everything. No one told me it was all gonna be ok and as a kid, you prepare for the worst.
My narcissist mom died a few days ago and I’m not sad at all… I feel bad because I don’t feel sad. And I didn’t visit her as much at the end…
I felt enormous relief when mine died. The finality of it was a blessing for me. Don't feel badly, you are only human and these people make it very difficult to have normal emotions towards.
@@chelleb3055 thank you ❤️ Maybe I’m normal then.. I also feel relief, but I feel so bad about it. I’ve started wondering maybe I am a psychopath. My mom just died, and not in a peaceful way, and I’m not grieving.. I felt bad for her suffering, but she kinda deserved it because she didn’t take care of her health, and I tried to help her so many times but she didn’t listen to anything I said. She did it to herself. I have not shed one tear… and now I have to go to the funeral and pretend I’m sad.
I’m so happy for you. Are you relieved? It’s okay to not care when they’ve treated you horribly. I’m wanting to make a call to see if mine is dead yet. It would be a nice Christmas gift to myself if she was gone. I’d get some champagne and really celebrate 🎉!
@@christar9527 it’s ok to be happy? 😔 thank you ❤️ my narcissist sister tries to make me feel bad because I didn’t care. But that’s just because she wants the inheritance. The money… she doesn’t care either.
My alcoholic mom died many years ago. I didn’t realize what a narcissist she was at the time, and I grieved the loss of her, but I was also in denial about what a horrible mother she was. I have since done a lot of grief work about my losses having her as a mother……it was all about her. Honestly, I don’t miss her at all…perhaps the most superficial person I have ever met. We never did have a relationship
It's a kind of childhood torture and it's dead easy to get away with it behind closed doors.
Got Narc mother, sister and son. All three take every opportunity to try to crush me and gaslight me. Fortunately I am a realist. I know who I am and am not governed by others opinions of me. So freeing!
The constant, unrelenting judgment (both spoken and unspoken) was/is soul-crushing.
My narcissistic mother was/is a master of it.
I fought her the whole way even when I was too young to know what was going on.
I’m so glad I did. She resented the guts I had to “disobey” her and buck the “perfect family” narrative. She recently told me she’s afraid of me.
I thought to myself “Good! A loose cannon should be feared. And you’re the one who loaded it”.
Well-done! I wish I'd had the courage you did.
Always two faces! I try to be a genuine person and always match who I am when I’m home and when I’m in public! ❤️ I agree with Dr. Carter when he says they want us to give the “image” of a perfect family. Ironically, my Narc mother talks about “mental illness” on her FB platform but, hasn’t been in therapy. I spent 6+ years in therapy to discover my childhood is what explained every aspect of why or how I acted the ways I did when in contact with my mother. (No contact almost 10 months now!)
Good for you. Same here. Image is everything to them even though they project a false one. Go figure? 🤔
Keep up the good fight 🙏
Now I'm understanding why I cannot make decisions. Whether it be what color to paint a room, what to have for dinner, or what we might do on our days off....I become completely overwhelmed with having to make decisions!❗ The anxiety is too much, over the simplest thing!
Ditto
I hid in my bedroom & taught myself how to draw. Or I took off on my horse on Friday & didn't come back until Sunday evening.
This was a real eye opener to me as a parent and the narcissistic way I’ve been raising my children! I was a “latch key” kid growing up, so I’m struggling to learn what a healthy parent looks like. Thank you for making this vid! It has helped me to understand why I tend toward narc qualities. Not saying that I am a clinical narcissist because I don’t think I’m the one to make that call, but this has helped me see what I’m doing and to turn away from it!
There is another video by Patrick Teahan on the difference between NPD and CPTSD, check it out for your "narc qualities." ua-cam.com/video/mAFyxGsnqKc/v-deo.html
The fact that you have any type of ability to look in the past and analyze what you'vand feel any regret or remorse towards the past tells me that you cannot be a clinical narcissist.
I am an alienated father to my two children. It is disgusting knowing their mother has caused this, but it is far worse knowing my own mother has contributed as well. She lies. I call her on them. She defends despite the obvious betrayal. She is 80. I am 50. It is sad knowing the only silence to her cruelty is her passing.