No. Let's NOT Break Up with People for This. (r/TrueOffMyChest)
Вставка
- Опубліковано 15 вер 2024
- 🐌 Become a snail! If you'd like, you can support the creation of these videos on Patreon! You can get 2 exclusive videos a month, access to the Discord server, podcast episodes, and more! 🐌:
/ imautisticnowwhat
📸 Instagram 📸 : / imautisticnowwhat
💛WATCH NEXT💛:
Let's Call This Out for What It Is. It's Bullying: • Let's Call This Out fo...
Is This The WORST Way to Tell Somebody You Are Autistic?: • Is This The WORST Way ...
📹 My Videos mentioned 📹:
The exclusive AiTA video on my Patreon: www.patreon.co...
10 Signs you're Actually in Autistic Burnout: • The 10 Warning Signs o...
The Best Theory of Autism you've probably NEVER heard of...: • The Best Theory of Aut...
📒 Sources 📒:
Reddit Posts: / my_girlfriend_has_auti...
/ ive_been_telling_peopl...
/ trueoffmychest
Uyen's Channel: / @uyenninh
Autism and Stigma: www.ncbi.nlm.n...
Autism and Empathy: www.verywellhe...
📖 *Books I'd Recommend about Autism 📖 :
Aspergirls by Rudy Simone:
amzn.to/3xSZ6Mg
Different not Less by Chloe Hayden (read if you want to cry):
amzn.to/40fKx2m
Unmasking Autism by Devon Price:
amzn.to/3LhMV3j
*These are affiliate links. The channel will receive a small commission if you buy anything on Amazon after clicking through with this link. There's no extra cost to you; any money will go towards putting out more content. I'd love to post twice a week and put more time into research for these videos. Thank you so much - I really appreciate every like and comment!
DISCLAIMER: I am a second-year psychology student and a late-diagnosed #actuallyautistic individual. I am not a qualified healthcare professional.
Do you think there’s any way this couple can make it work?
And what on earth do you think of the guy faking being autistic at work? Have we finally found a post that actually belongs on Fake Disorder Cringe? (probably not because I think it’d be best if that place didn’t exist 😅)
If you missed my reaction to the fake disorder cringe subreddit, here it is: ua-cam.com/video/ZTqDgAjdPeA/v-deo.html
And here’s one from the AiTA aubreddit where a family had a super odd response to someone sharing their autism diagnosis:
ua-cam.com/video/Jal35-hlxcg/v-deo.html
Hope you’ve had a lovely week! 💛💛💛
Hi! I would like to say that, 90% of the time it is the mother that gives the Autism genes. So you got it from your mother, grand-mother, etc. Your grand father has nothing to do with it!
Reading the dog thing, when he said she started talking about herself, he didn't say what she said about herself, so I wonder if she was trying to relate to him? (Double empathy problem.) Either way, he needed to communicate very clearly with her to even know if there was any compatibility there. So either that happened or they've broken up by now. At least, I hope so. I hope they're not still both miserable.
Also, I really want to join your Discord, but you were offering snail pins before & I didn't see your first video until after you stopped and I really like snails and also animal pins. So now I want to know: what's the chance you'll offer snail pins again? Or pins of other animals? I don't want to not join for no reason. But I also don't want to join and then miss out on pins that get offered shortly after I join. 🥺
We only know what he is telling us - which is a very clear picture of her as selfish bitch who demands he 100% accomodates her sensitivities. I am not so sure this is the whole picture......
Regarding the couple, it is hard to tell without the whole picture, but with her stating thats "probably" due to autism and not an commiting saying she is autistic is the type of language that people with NPD use. They can be confused for each other on first glance. That with the other seemingly selfish behaviors reminds me of people who knowly fakes a disorder for sympathy, they say things like "probably" so that they have an out later if their stories start to conflict. They mask, but its different. She could still be autistic, but the pattern of behavior was recognizable to me somehow either because we are missing details or because its what I think it is.
I'm being told I might be autistic, by a therapist, dunno, I don't feel comfortable confirming anything without a diagnosis, but the diagnosis would be bad right now so we are not persuing it. I act different around people I'm comfortable with and its not a a switch like with the person I had to learn about NPD through. They could chameleon to get what they want out of anyone.
Disclaimer for NPD suffers: I'm not saying that NPD people will be abusive or bad people, just that this is the pattern of behavior, one that I've lived through.
my primary concern about the guy faking being autistic is like, people want to portray themselves as accepting of autism, and so they will basically be like "oh ok, you're autistic? well then i will not say anything about this behavior that i would otherwise be making fun of/punishing you for." so they're not so much ceasing to discriminate against autistic people, as much as they are just hiding it when they know there's a label that makes it inappropriate, and so this guy's experience that when he tells people he's autistic, they care less about him being weird, shows that whether he is actually autistic or not, he is being discriminated against in the same manner for the same reasons as an autistic person would be, and i would find it weird and uncomfortable to condemn him for lying to spare himself from that.
This doesn’t sound like an autistic issue it sounds like a compatibility issue
well, she literally kicked him out of HIs bed leaving him no bed to sleep on bc of her autism (censory issues). she sounds awful bc she expect him to sleep on the couch bc of it, not even taking turns.
For real like they are VERY YOUNG and i dont think they were as equipped or READY to be in a live in relationship to begin with or willing to compromised....add the layer of extended needs and yeah everyone is miserable
Well I do find it a bit weird that she went the whole time without telling him she's autistic. I know some people don't like to disclose it, but I think it's better for them to know because then if they see me struggling, if they're decent people they're likely to realize I'm struggling because I'm autistic. Otherwise, if they think you're NT they'll think you're being selfish or childish or any other adjective they might use. As far as her sensory issues, she needs to have someone like a therapist help her come up with strategies to compromise, or else if she can't compromise, she probably shouldn't be living with people.
Also a lack of communication and compromise, it can happen to any couple
@@dobbierealsAutistic people often don’t know that there is a problem unless their partner or loved one brings it up. Meg literally explains this in the video. I think it’s unfair to act like she’s being unfair when you know nothing about the relationship
My husband waits until I'm out of the house to cook fish, because he is a kind and beautiful soul.
He sounds amazing!! 💛
He sounds like a gem. I've had to give up fish more or less because I don't like the way it lingers in my apartment.
That's amazing, he's so considerte. My mom likes to make bacalao (an incredibly stinky salted codfish) and you're supposed to soak it in water repeatedly to remove the salt and the majority of the funky smell but, no, she just goes straight to boiling it, smelling up the whole house. Sometimes I vomit from it. She just tells me to put on a candle, but that doesn't really help since you would need to put the candle on for at least an hour beforehand and while it's cooking but she waits until it's done boiling. 😭
@@NotAFanOfHandlesBRO IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT BACALHAU (In Portuguese) I HATE IT TOO 😭😭- Doesn't help that I'm very allergic to fish either...
I smell snow ❄️
Even outside of autistic symptoms, sometimes people are just really sensitive to smell. Like, my late grandma got migraines around strong scented flowers.
Just in case this helps anyone else who gets migraines with strong smelling anything, this *can* be a sign of an allergy. As far as I know, the common recommendation is still just avoidance of the trigger, you’d have to ask your doctor if there’s any medication to tackle allergy migraines as I thankfully get away with avoidance 😅
Migraines are crazy. My mother gets them from apples and apple juice, somehow.
yeah highly sensitive people also exist
I have chronic migraines, and my list of triggers is a mile long. I can forecast the weather by my headaches, because even the smallest change in barometric pressure, temperature and humidity can set one off!
my mom is the same and so am I kind of but not as severe. Flowery scents give me headaches especially perfume. In middle school in my science class there was a girl who sat next to me who sprayed perfume during class and it gave me the biggest headaches. I asked her to stop and she just didn't understand. it might have to do with the negative association but I've also just never really liked the smell of flowers
Neurotypicals: "wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean?"
Neurodivergents: "Just smile and wave, boys, smile and wave."
😂
LMAO accurate
My reaction when someone says something to me but my brain translate it into gobbledygook even after I ask them to repeat themselves... I just say and give a physical response that seems appropriate at the time😅.
@@amy-avnas same same I can't count on how many times I've had to have my family repeat themselves for me it's like my brain just turns off if you can't tell am neurodevergent when I was little I was in really bad outdoor accident that involved straight line wind from a storm I got hit in the frontal lobe where the brain would be just recently I've been finally been diagnosed with something they always would flip flop between diagnosis I have TBI with cognitive mental behavior problems with ADHD why is it so hard for females to get actually properly diagnosed with something
I described not understanding something using this exact metaphor two days ago to my therapist 😂 when I know people are trying to imply something but I have no idea what it is I tell myself to 'activate penguin mode' 😭
They're not compatible. Breaking up is a valid option *for this couple*, but no we shouldn't just break up with people just because they say they're autistic
i personally feel like this case has less to do with the gf being autistic and more to do with the fact that they met each other online and moved in together way too fast. they were incompatible all along and didn't know it. he doesn't want to break up with her because shes autistic, he wants to break up with her because he made a hasty, bad decision of moving in with her too quickly.
A year is hasty???
@@2emo2functiononline is not the same as in person.
@@2emo2functionWhen it's only online, yes.
There are a lot of things you can't learn about someone without meeting them in person.
@@CircuitrinosOfficialmy man said that and then we met and all and now live togheter and he is exactly like by texts and I am too. I still firmly belive that is just an excuse for people who lie
I let an online friend live with me when he was abandoned by the person he was supposed to be moving in with after flying to my state. Now, my mans was undiagnosed and didn't think he was on the spectrum himself, but there has never been a more autistic man inside my home and I am an autistic man who lived here with my autistic brother lmao. Anyway, as well as we got along online, living with him was a nightmare. We were so heavily incompatible as roommates that I ended up having to force him to find somewhere else to live because my mental health was suffering so bad. A lot of it was behaviors that were reinforced by living with people who were exactly the same as him, so he didn't even realize they could be bothersome in some cases, but... yeah, it wasn't happening. At least I eventually got him to start washing his hands. This was late 2019, so I SUPER dodged the covid bullet.
tbh i would never ever entered a relationship without telling my partner i'm autistic. i mean, there's no way i'm making any kind of effort to be in a relationship without being sure they're okay with that. Me being autistic (and trans) is literally the first thing i told my partner when he began showing an interest in me...
Pretty much my opinion as well, masking while useful to get through the day is still a major concern when entering a relationship. I have a sister with npd and masking is part of how she lures them in.
Her score tho for the record is 1 divorce, 1 suicide and one going expat.
In my defense, I didn't know yet at the time I met my husband! lol
But yeah, while I *did* try to fake "normal" around him for a few years A) it was stressful and exhausting B) I had this horrible feeling I was tricking him and he'd be mad when I found out how I "really" was C) it turns out I'm just so absolutely terrible at masking that he figured out I obviously had some type of neurodivergence going on anyway.
I couldn't imagine, knowing what I do now, not being clear to start with if I had to do it again (which I hope I never will)
Heck that, if I'm going to be interacting with anyone for any length of time, they get told about the Tourette's and the autism. They can already see my blindness, and I've been taught all my life that if you have struggles with anything or don't act perfectly "normal", the sighted people will think that all blind people are like that. Sadly I've discovered that it's true that people do that because when I was in college the first time I'd have some wicked meltdowns. Unfortunately, people not only avoided me like the plague, but they also avoided all the other blind people. I want that not to happen, so "it's either mask so hard that I wind up in the hospital or tell them I'm autistic. I'll take telling them I'm autistic because I can mask some, but not for long and not when I'm overloaded.
It would save you a lot of time in case they end up having problems with that.
@@lordfreerealestate8302yeah! Its a great ‘test’ to use to mention anything people could feel were deal breaker. You get to root out the transphobes/homophobes/ableist and not waste your own time!
so obviously, horrible move to make it seem like this woman's autism is the problem; but I think these two just aren't compatible at all. They both have a collection of needs that are in direct contradiction to each other. I see some people going, "He should just accept her as she is!" And like... Well, that's easy to say. I just think they're not compatible, so it's better that they cut the relationship short.
Honestly yea this is not a neurodivergence issue. I have nt friends who are just more compatiable with me, they can adapt to my quirks better and i dont have to mask or push myself to burn out to maintain our relationship. Its just a fact that not everyone will like you or tolerate your “weirdness”, we cant be everyone’s cup of tea
@@goldenapple3952 Yeah, there are some people that can adapt and make compromises without much worry, but these two just have FAR too many differences to compromise over, and I think it’d just cause resentment over time 😅
yeah, if he's not going to open his mouth and talk to her he should break up with her I guess
exactly. "don't break up cuz that's ableism" is just encouraging people to continue bad relationships
Not sure if he's the one making it a problem. She tells him to stop playing guitar (and refuses alternatives), tells him to stop cooking food from his own culture and makes him eat fast food with her, and tells him to go sleep on the couch BECAUSE of her sensory issues. If I take his word at face value at least, she's the one using her autism to be uncompromising and unsupportive of him or of finding a middle ground.
I do think they should break up, but I feel like people saying that he's the one making it about her autism are a little biased towards the girlfriend (understandably, given past experience with allistics). But the real issue isnt that the girlfriend has sensory issue on account of being autistic, but that she is pretty imposing of it onto the guy and doesn't even attempt to find a middle ground. Which is entitlement, not something specific to her being autistic
Autism or not, if you're expecting your partner to cater to all your needs and refuse to cater to any of theirs, you shouldn't be in a relationship. Full stop. I know it seems harsh, but I've seen too many people put up with these types of relationships/friendships (myself included) where it's all take and no give, and when you try to bring up your issues they only make excuses or say sorry with no intention to self reflect. As an autistic person, I'm always really empathetic towards other autistic people and will usually side with them because I know the struggles (ESPECIALLY other autistic women), but in this case I side with OP. I don't think it's fair to him to lose himself trying to please someone who clearly doesn't respect his identity.
I think if the genders were swapped, we're be a lot more willing to give OP some leeway because we're all familiar with men who constantly nitpick their girlfriends despite putting in no effort themselves.
There definitely needs to be some compromise here, I agree. I'd love to hear her perspective on the situation too.
It can work, neurodiverse relationships can definitely work. Mine has, married for over 10 years. There are struggles and we are both mutually wanting it to work and make it work in a very positive direction. We have both really worked hard on dealing with my meltdowns and finally have strategies for it. My autistic traits have always been present, I am 36 and finally got a diagnosis at 34 as the struggles with daily life, work, and social situations was becoming more than just a task. I had no clue I was autistic till I met with an amazing therapist.
I think the relationship proposed in the beginning of this video is just simple incompatibility. I don't think I would ever tell my spouse to sleep on the couch and I have moved to the couch myself when I needed to and never even brought it up. When we have situations where my sensory issues might be difficult, I assess my energy levels and whether my mitigation strategies will work. I am not always great about talking about things important at the moment, so in order for me to effectively engage. I find it easier to just slow down the conversation and let me try to get in their position in my head, it slows it down a little with long pauses, but it has allowed me to process and better understand it to myself so I can deal with the topic at hand.
But, I just don't think these two people are looking for a situation where they can compromise (maybe only just yet) and it might just be easier to see other people. I think they are incompatible. I play piano, music doesn't necessary distract me, I will just wear headphones when I need to cut out the noise. I find music a stim for me, so I can just cut off sounds I don't like. Yeah, they are just incompatible and should go separate ways.
Yep!! I agree with you!
I see a lot of people in the comments saying he needs to just get over it and accept her for who she is, but honestly, I disagree. She can't control her autism, obviously, but he's not a bad person for this being a dealbreaker either when she's asking him to give up his hobbies and culture to accommodate her. I think their mistake was moving in together too quickly and not communicating about potential conflicts before they did, but unfortunately I just don't see how him "accepting it" (ie no longer cooking korean food or playing guitar and also sleeping on the sofa??) is at all a healthy solution here.
Yesss! Finally a reasonable comment. She's autistic but it sounds like she's a lot of that to control him. It's understandable for him to be like nope, this isn't working and walk away. He doesn't owe her anything. Plus not mentioning her autism for so long might make him resent her because that could be a dealbreaker for some people and that's not a bad thing. They might not be compatible and he should have that information so they can both make decisions about the relationship
I absolutely agree. They either are just not compatible or she needs to realize that his needs are worth accommodating too.
the first thing that occurred to me was they can take turns sleeping on the couch if it's that big of a deal. he could cook his food and she could leave the apartment to go get fast food for her. two birds one stone. no smell and she doesn't have to eat it. finally the guitar. if she doesn't want to listen to him play then she should just go outside or wear headphones. these are all easy things to do to compromise. either they're not communicating at all or they are communicating but neither of them is saying what they really mean and this guy comes on reddit to be ableist and misogynistic and paint his autistic girlfriend as a manipulative piece of shit. honestly i hate this guy lmao. i'm sure his girlfriend has a completely different story than he does.
another thing is if he has an electric guitar then he can plug it into headphones and the sound will only go to him and out loud is just the twang of the strings. if it's an acoustic he can also take it outside. like they can both go outside here. this is crazy i can't believe he would post this without doing like the bare minimum to compromise about this
Basically it sounds like none of the accomodations she demanded were actually sustainable and certainly weren't reciprocal. Accomodations need some balance according to everyone's capacity otherwise someone's gonna run a deficit of spoons and crash. Or build resentment.
These do sound more like compatibility issues as opposed to autistic issues. They obviously didn’t discuss a lot of their needs and habits before deciding to move in together, and so it was a culture shock for both to discover that they were on opposing poles in some areas.
These are issues someone probably isn't aware of before actually spending time with their partner.
When I was single, I had no idea how I'd hate sleeping right next to someone every night. I like sleeping in the same room though. Currently we have separate beds that are together. And we have a guest bed in the living room, also used as a sofa, but sometimes I'll sleep there.
My ex was also particular about her food, which was an issue for me, as I love to experiment. She also didn't like watching anything, which was an even bigger issue. Sometimes two neurodivergent people just can't be in a relationship.x) We're still friends though, and that's going fine.
It does also sound like neither is doing much to accommodate the other (obviously this is a one sided account and it's possible she's doing more than he realises/cares to acknowledge, but he doesn't really seem to be doing much on his end other than complaining and doing the most superficially obvious actions, eg there's easy modifications you can make to play a guitar quietly, particularly if you've got an electric guitar)
it does feel like she's being selfish in a couple situations-for instance, if i can't fall asleep with someone else in the bed, i would never send THEM to the couch, id go to the couch myself. in fact, when i first visited my fiancee i met online, i ended up sleeping on the floor because i wasn't sure how to sleep in their bed. we sleep together every night now though haha
i wonder if what he saw as her talking about herself with the dog though was her talking about a situation where she lost someone/something and he misunderstood her attempt at showing sympathy as being self absorbed
Yes, I wondered if she was maybe sharing a similar situation too! Seems like that's something a lot of neurodivergent people do.
She's not in the wrong.
I think an extra bed or spare bedroom would be better.
@@Demonetization_Symbolhow not? You haven't mentioned what you thought, you just asserted a claim.
I believe she's in the wrong because she's putting all the burden of incompatibility on him. It doesn't seem like she is trying to work on the issues and expects him to do all the work. He sleeps on the couch. He has to give up his hobby. He has to stop cooking the food he wants for himself. All of that could be accommodated for 50/50 from both ends, but instead he does everything with no attempt to see a middle way where they're both working around the incompatibilities.
@@YoussefIbrahim-dc3jt It's obviously a two way situation. He doesn't "have to" do any of that and assuming he didn't express himself clearly to her about how he felt, I feel like he didn't help the situation. It's good that they stopped seeing each other I assume because they both struggle to communicate with each other in a way that is comfortable for the other person.
The problem isn’t that she’s autistic and has support needs, it’s that she expects her partner to do all the compromises and her expectations are unreasonable. If she’s not willing to sleep on the couch half the nights she needs to get bunk beds, putting a fan in the window facing out gets rid of smells really quickly and she can use that time to be alone in her bed… I was a selfish jerk when I met my husband and I would have lost him if I didn’t learn, “You can be right, or you can keep your relationship.” I learned how to compromise and sometimes that means being uncomfortable.
No need to sleep on the couch. They can buy an air matress and yeah sleep some nights on the bed others on the matress. Its confortable. Couches are horrible for ppl with bad backs
I'm in the spectrum and I wouldn't enjoy a relationship like that either. If a relationship requires one of the parties giving up on something they love, like playing a guitar, then that's a huge red flag.
Right? I feel like we're giving so much leeway for her when she's frankly being a pretty presumptuous and entitled partner. To make him give up a hobby that he not only loves but does as stress-relief is terrible. What if he did the same to her?
yeah I feel like sometimes people are just willing to give people who are nd a huge pass for what is essentially abusive behavior. Also its not like someone has never used being nd for an excuse to be abusive. She could be autistic, or not, she did spring it up on him once he'd lived with her for awhile. Those could be autistic traits the she is saying, or she could just be controlling (or both) and basically telling him to not do things he enjoys and learned she could use autism as an excuse for it. We don't know everything. Either way they both need to leave.
@@Zectifin On her defense I think it is good that she is learning to choose what she likes and what she doesn't. There are a lot of people that just accept everything regardless of what happens.
The issue is just that they are finding out they may not be a good fit together.
My husband recommended an electrical acoustic guitar with headphones. This could work. But also it sounds like she doesn't compromise and he's becoming resentful feeling like there's no place for him in her life. I'm the autistic one in my relationship and sometimes it's a challenge but I want him to be comfortable too. We've managed compromise for 36 years. It's important for both to work on not being rigid.
Yeah.
Actually, I think he's being ableist. He might be thinking that she is so challenged that he can't communicate with her normally
I'll bet when he was talking about his dog, she was trying to respond with something similar that happened in her own life to try and relate to him.
Yeah I'm surprised she missed it. I know he was vague but it is an often over looked part of autism. I do it all the time but when I'm on the other side of the conversation it doesn't feel like the other person is selfish. I feel validated. Like they've been through it too so they know how it feels. Like if they felt the same in a similar situation then my emotions are ok.
This was my exact thought too.
this is projection. while OP is vague and probably with various intentions about it, we can't assume that she acted like we would "want" her to, because we relate to her autism. It's also useful to note that, even in ND spaces, this can be very self-centered and or difficult for the other person to follow conversationally.
She sounds like she's masked a lot to me, and relied on scripts for certain things but didn't have something to fall back on for this, especially if she's gotten any hints that he pulls his affection away from her for all the other various reasons. It can be hard sharing in emotional support if there's a shake up of that affectionate connection. Also, if at any point she's been mirroring him back to him to try to give him responses he's signalled his approval for previously, he might be responding to his own withdrawal of emotional support. He might be breaking up with himself a bit too, which sounds stupid and ridiculous at face value, but there's plenty of people that can't stand their own reflection in others they've projected because they've had it ingrained in them to adopt a certain etiquette of prompts and cues instead of being genuinely witnessed. Neurotypical people mask the most, which is why autistic people mask at all, but autistic people more often mirror mask than neurotypical people do, and autistic people less often know why this isn't working out. Many are conflict avoidant, and so try to people please for this reason, meanwhile there's others who people please to manipulate, or to maintain a certain social conditioning and don't feel safe when someone doesn't follow it. This insecurity can trigger hostility, the very thing the conflict avoidant mirror masker was trying to avoid.
It's speculative if this is at all relevant to that couple, but these are facets that occur in the human psyche worth knowing about. If one has a mirror mask and the other hates what they're getting, they're better off doing some introspection of their own, because this tendency will follow the real source of that activity into any relationship. Neurotypical people are often in need of introspection, which might be more commonly a strength of those in the autistic community.
@@inkbloodart I don't think it's projection as much as an educated guess. There's obviously no way to know what his g/f was saying/thinking/feeling, but there's also no harm in an educated guess.
It might even help someone who reads this comment and has never realised before that this is how they show empathy (and why NTs can take umbrage because it comes across to them as selfish).
Just because this particular variety of "weirdness" is diagnosable does not mean any other variety is more deserving of mockery. That person's coworkers are crummy either way, and mocking differences is still a problem. This is the same attitude that feeds into the stigma against self diagnosis and the same attitude that prohibits people from receiving accommodations without a medical professional's sign-off.
Let's just let people exist and stop pretending that everyone has to be the same unless a doctor says so.
Thank you!
I agree with you on some types of "weirdness", but if this guy is being weird/creepy in a way that harms his coworkers, I think they are right in complaining about it or judging him for it. Without more context or a different perspective it's not possible to say what is really going on, but the post leaves enough room for scenarios where he is plainly inappropriate. For example, if a male coworker made sexual jokes or comments towards me, that would make me quite uncomfortable and I would probably mention that to other people and look at him weird / criticise him for it. I don't think bullying someone is the right response to inappropriate behavior either, but we don't know from what he said if what he's experiencing bullying from coworker or whether he notices they are judging him.
Just a different perspective, I don't know what is going on at this guy's workplace and I'm in favor of accommodating weirdness.
Bestie you are SO right!!! As a kid my best friend was a girl who was equally weird as I was, what some may call the cookie monster pjs girl of our class (she never actually wore that but I mean like. vibes). She was one of the few people who never judged me for any of my autistic traits when I was really little.
I don’t know if she was autistic, I honestly don’t think she was. But she only BARELY got a bit more grace from other kids than I did. We were both bullying targets for a lot of the same reasons. It doesn’t matter if she was autistic or not, she shouldn’t have been bullied either!!
These two people just don’t sound compatible. They didn’t think it through very well when they moved in together and neither of them sounds very skilled in communicating needs/wants with a partner. What does that have to do with her autism? These are typical relationship issues.
My partner and I are both autistic, and we sleep in separate rooms. My brain stays on high alert if someone is there, any sudden movement or sound will drive me insane. He gets overwhelmed and needs space/quiet as well.
Most people we tell think "are you guys ok? You don't love each other? I don't understand!" lol. It's wonderful not having to deal with that pressure. We're both weird and we're cool with it :)
Agreed! My partner and I are also both ND and we break all kinds of relationship norms to accommodate each other. It's amazing lol
Yes. You communicate, understand, and accommodate each other, voluntarily and with mutual love.
This is WAY different from what this woman is doing and what her SO is doing.
I’ve gotten this just because my partner and I (both ND) use separate blankets lol. We both always burrito ourselves and hog the blanket, and I can’t stand sharing body heat/rubbing up against skin under the covers. We don’t even have a comforter we just use two nice big throw blankets. We wouldn’t be able to sleep at all otherwise but ppl act like it’s so weird and means we don’t actually want to share a bed (we do)
@@xiggles In some countries (Sweden for one) everyone has separate duvets/blankets for each person even when sharing a bed. I think the idea is that you get better sleep by being able to adjust to your own needs and preferences for warmth, thickness, weight and so on.
(I'm not Swedish but my cousin lives there).
I used to mask at the beginning of relationships. Then I realised it meant the other person just thought I wasn't who I thought they were, and things fell apart. (Apart from one woman who thought it was fun to use my sensory issues as a way to psychologically abuse me) I've learnt to be upfront about my autism from the get-go now, and I've just started seeing a fellow autistic person!
Awesome to hear! Wish you the best together!
May I ask why, if she's the one with the problem he's the one who has to sleep on the tiny couch? If she's the one with a guitar issue he has to give up his hobby as opposed to her going out when he practices or using noise cancelling head phones? Why he has to give up the food he likes instead of her eating in a different room when he cooks that meal and gives it time to air out if it's that bad of a sensory issue? Why he has to pay for HER interests?
Obviously, this is only his side of the story but from what we know of it seems like in the relationship she expects him to give up everything for her comfort and she doesn't have to do anything on her end. To me, this seems less like an autistic thing and more like an entitlement thing where she's refusing to find solutions and only wants him to sacrifice in the relationship.
Exactly, it makes me wonder if she's even autistic or just straight up narcissic and using autism as an excuse to be egocentric.
I wonder if he has told her he is unhappy with sleeping on the couch? I can imagine an autistic person thinking 'it's okay, he offered to do it'. But of course sometimes people offer things expecting the other person to say 'oh no, it's okay!'
Who knows - we don't know the full story. But definitely sounds like neither person is happy living together and something needs to change! I agree, I would never ask someone else to leave the bed if I was uncomfortable.
@@imautisticnowwhat Absolutely. I'm just extrapolating from him saying he's asked about compromises on other things and she refused. Either way they probably shouldn't be together if they've been unable to talk to each other or find a compromise after all this time.
@@sarahcb3142 I agree - I think he _has_ been communicating to her his problems, but all she responds with is either going on a tangent away from what they were talking about (like with his dog) or she'll just say "sorry" or "I'll try harder" but then does... nothing? He's been communicating his needs... but she only cares about her needs. Her saying "sorry" but continuing on like that tells me she isn't actually sorry.
@@NotAFanOfHandles I will say, and this is going by my "single pringle" experience, but its possibleshe doesn't know what to do. They may have communicated, but to what extent? Often times, its not what you say? But how you say it. If he was just hinting at it rather than talking about it, she may not have picked up on it.
im a firm believer in people can break up for any reason what so ever. If people are constantly looking for a 'reason' to break up, they will keep looking until they find something they dont like or whatever etc. It's okay to not be compatible with people.
personally my issues with empathy due to my autism leans more on the idea that I struggle to assess the appropriate ways of expressing it in the moment. it isnt that I dont _feel_ it, I just often struggle with the ""right"" way of expressing it, and doing it ""wrong"" has bitten me in the ass to the point that it feels safer to go with a less is more approach and deal with the consequences of that, than be accused of being 'fake' or 'manipulative' for displaying high empathy
I haven’t yet told my husband of 5 years…this post just makes me even more scared about telling him. I only just found out, to be clear.
When we met, I was still extremely “weird” (read: autistic) and he loved me for it, still tells me daily that he loves me and loves seeing me happy when I’m absorbed in an intense special interest.
I don’t think he’d leave me or stop loving me. I just worry it’ll change how he perceives me. Like instead of seeing me as a goofy silly weirdo, he’ll just see me as Autistic and broken. It’s obviously something I need to work on in myself. I don’t know how to tackle it just yet.
I was scared to tell my partner too, but it absolutely didn't change the way he saw me in any sort of negative way. It took him a while to understand what autism is, but now he's super supportive.
If he already loves and accepts everything about you, I doubt it will change anything 💛 Hopefully it'll just help him to support you better!
What if he secretly knew and that's why he loves you? Us guys prefer direct communication and not mind games when the majority of allisitic women play
@@IaconDawnshire The implication that allistic men don't play games is absolutely insane and I am concerned
well, in this story she didn't tell him about issue she had that effect their relationship once moving in together. the woman doesn't even let him sleep on a bed or play an instrument. He wasn't warned that bc of her sensory issues she would treat him this way and expect this things. you and you partner are already married, and im guessing live together. he already knows your traits, dislikes, etc. etc. and married you. for you guys if you told him i dont think it would change anything.
You just found out though… I wouldn’t feel bad about it but you should definitely have a conversation.
I really hate saying this, especially since my relationship just ended without my partner wanting to have a conversation about it, but i feel like there are too many issues here that make a relationship between them in such a small apartment impossible to be fulfilling. No one's the bad guy here, but they seem to be too incompatible to share a small space together. I don't see a way where they can comprimise in a way where at least one of them isnt unhappy
They just need better communication
First story:
My ex-bf was very upfront about his autistim and was never an issue. He was sweet, got easily overwhelmed and had crying moments when it happens. More importantly when it happens I try to inform him that he is okay and have nothing to be ashamed of.
I've been getting deep in autistim research because of how he treated me and my daughter in private during the last two years of our relationship before we broke up.
From the outside he was a socially awkward guy who was really into firearms, military gear and being in the outdoors utilizing bushcraft. He is a civilian with no military experience, and there are a ton of people who're very similar without issues. But he really got interested with the fact I have a military background and wanted to explore it. This led to the point of having discussions of where I should be stationed at (like I have any real semblance of control), how our future home should be at a certain location and built similarly to a security check point of a forward operating base, how I should retire at the "proper" time instead of exploring my career, and had a real keen interest in how much I workout so I physically appear more closer to his "tastes". The irony is he knows I have combat based ptsd and hardcore body image issues. So majority of the time, I just felt ashamed and useless when he got into his "these are our plans for the future no matter what" speeches like I had no say in the matter cause "he knows best" and "have to stick to plans with no room for questions."
I put up a lot and ignored a lot of the red flags to include how to use my finances until he stared to "make plans" for my daughter (previous relationship, I'm a single parent). He didn't understand why she didn't "act like normal teens" because she is on the autistim spectrum. I didn't get the irony of "I know someone who has autistim, and your daughter isn't anything like my 5 year old nephew/son who loves trains" meme until he explained how different he was at her age. Like yeah, she is afab who lives with a single mom on a single income who has to move every 3 to 5 years. He is amab who was raised by two parents with dual income who moved once in his entire life. Not to mention, autistim is on a spectrum, so her interests and needs will be different from his.
There is more but the long short of it is, the guy weaponized his autistim and tried to get between my child and I.
I am diagnosed ASD lvl 2. I absolutely understand struggling. Feels like we are being biased here though. She sounds like a bad partner. We shouldn't always explain away people's mishaps. If we are with NT people then we should learn to be at least decent and sacrifice sometimes. If that cannot happen then stay single for now.
This is why I think for ND people baseline compatibility is more important than for two NT people in a relationship. NT people usually have a much greater ability to compromise and change certain behaviors. But regardless it is the responsibility of anyone in a relationship to communicate their own needs while also recognizing that their partner's needs are equally valid. I would never expect someone to simply change something about themselves if it happened to overstimulate or trigger me. I wouldn't want someone to do that to me so why would I try to control someone else?
@@helyns1416 I'm not sure it's that NT people are inherently more flexible, I think it's more that they automatically have more common ground because by definition their brains are configured in a way that fits better into modern NT dominant society. If your starting point is miles away from "average" you need to compromise a lot more to get to a similar position to someone who is within that average but just a different part of it than their also NT partner.
When i tried to explain my neurodivergency to my ex, his exact words were "i just want a normal f***ing girlfriend"... He left for a coworker a few months ago 😞
What a gross guy!! 😩 I guess good you saw his true colours, but I'm sorry you had to experience that.
Blessing in disguise. What a tool
@@imautisticnowwhat thank you ❤️ im glad to have finally seen it too, as painful as it has been. What's wild is he's known me for over 10 years (we were together for 5 and close friends before that) so even before official diagnosis its not like he didn't know who/how i was!
@@boop3260 I hope you’re okay. That sounds terrible.
@@aaronfleisher4694 Ty ❤️ tbh I'm not yet, but I'm better than I was a couple of months ago. I think losing him as my "safe person" hurts more than the breakup itself tbh... Getting there though ✨
If it’s her having the issue with sharing a bed then she should be the one sleeping on the couch (or at least taking turns) not kicking him out of his bed. Making him stop playing guitar all together is also pretty awful if her, she could’ve asked him to not play while she’s doing something she needs to concentrate on and that would’ve been fine, or she could at the very least try the earplugs/noise canceling headphones. As long as he’s not forcing her to eat the Korean food then she shouldn’t be telling him can’t have it, I get that the smell might not be her favorite but it’s really unreasonable to expect him to never eat the food at all. The buying her anime figures thing just sounds like bad communication to me. Now obviously we’re only seeing his side of the story, but making someone give up a hobby, give up their cultural food and kicking them out of their bed seems like a really good reason to end the relationship. With all the compromises he’s making for her, is she compromising for him on anything? I’d doesn’t sound like it
I’m 60 and at this point in my life I don’t want to “burden” another living thing with my sensory sensitivities and avoidances in my home space.
I grew so weary of feeling like a burden or limiting other peoples options and choices in their home space.
I would happily be in a relationship that doesn’t share home space. Kinda like having a bed to slip off to after sharing some mutual satisfying bed time… but now I just need a good rest of the night sleep.
Now… I need and want my own home space yet I miss being in relationship with a partner.
The struggle of a lifetime of trying I am now accepting solo living.
I’m 33 and I don’t even want to get married or live with a SO ever again. I would love a companion where we live separately.
43 years old and can't imagine living with someone ever again. A relationship without sharing a home is different, that's something that I could imagine.
i am 16 and i already made the decision that this is how im gonna live my life and people are calling me a prude who doesnt know what he wants but im so glad others feel this way
@@lurji It's a perfectly valid choice to make, and you're the only person who has the right to make that choice for yourself, wether others understand it or not.
Not wanting to share houses doesn't necessarily mean unable to be in a relationship or even married.
There are couples and marriages that are together and are happy, while also living in separate houses, it even has its own term, living apart together. Some do it on the same lot or even in the same building [with separate apartments or dedicated floors], some do it in completely different places within one city/town, some do it over a larger distance, even states or countries apart.
Iirc it's around 3% of married couples in the US, which, sure, isn't that much, but it's also more less the same percentage of people with autism diagnosis within the general population, so it's also definitely not nothing. If you can find autistic partners - and a hell of a lot autistic people do - you can also find a partner that would be open to or even prefer living separately.
They clearly have incompatible needs and she (going just by what he wrote, so it might well be very biased) seems to either not realize that his exist, or to think that hers take precedence, for some reason. It's sad and unfortunate but it happens, not all couples are compatible and it's not either person's "fault".
The relationship issue sounds mostly like poor communication. Autistic person thinks everything's fine and that they're just doing their thing, allistic partner thinks certain things are 'obvious' without speaking those things aloud ever, or even sometimes saying the opposite of what they actually want or think. The whole thing sounds like a nightmare.
The person 'faking' autism needs to learn that it's bad for people to make fun of you period. Like they should feel bad for making fun of another human being. The fact that someone thinks they need another reason on top of that to feel bad is terrible.
No shame to anyone who struggles to have a healthy relationship with people that have autism or vice versa. I would like to emphasize that. We are all different in our own beautiful ways, and if you have autism you deserve to be with someone who is compatible with you. If you don't have autism and are not compatible with an individual with autism you also deserve to be with someone compatible with you. Whether you are neurotypical or neurodivergent you deserve to be happy and in a situation that makes you feel safe. There is no "normal" there is no perfect human. We all have our differences that make us unique whether it be neurodivergence, depression, anxiety, etc. At the end of the day we all have different needs and personalities, but we all deserve to be happy and respected.
I think that if someone is struggling and you dont know how to react, its ok to say that. You've lost someone? "Man, I don't know what to say. That sucks." You want to fix their problem but can't? "I wish I could help make it better."
It lets people know you care and you don't have to make a show about it by saying my condolences and stuff.
Right! I always default to something like "i'm so sorry to hear that this is happening" or even "that fucking sucks man, i'm sorry"
I feel like it's a simple way to show your genuine care without accidentally stealing the spotlight while someone still wants to talk about their feelings on their situation
yeah, sometimes it’s better to just be honest and say that you don’t know how to react
I have a hard time sharing a bed. The feeling of skin touching my skin, that includes my own skin. I need my own blanket so I can wrap my self up so my skin doesn't touch itself or the others persons. I don't mind them touching me as long as there is fabric in-between. I've learned that I can share a bed, I just need a few adjustments
I love my weighted/sensory blankets! Godsend!
This is the WORST reason to break up with someone! It'll make her feel something is wrong with her!
This is my literal fear of being in a relationship. That my Autism is the reason why it'll end.
Yes, he really shouldn't make her feel like he's leaving her BECAUSE she's autistic. That would be heartbreaking. It already sounds like she's apologising constantly.
My worst fear possibly passing my autism to my kids and having my kids going through what I went through.
@@ThomasSpikes-sg3ye That's why I don't want children. I got my Autism from being a preemie and I have no idea if I can pass it down to my kids.
@@IaconDawnshireI don't blame you for having that fear and Part me who wants have kids I have always told myself that yourself selfish that your autism will get past down and the way society treats us. Infaltise aka adult being treated like a child or what call peter griffin effect.
@@IaconDawnshire i dont even blame you i have always had that fear and way society treats like kids when we are adults what called infantilesation or what i call it peter griffin effect but do think you make a great father or husband i know it hard but be yourself you run into right person one day
I'm autistic, married a guy from another culture and did a long distance online relationship for a year and a half before he moved here. I did go see him in person and stayed in his country first.
He's also autistic but it is a different flavor! We get along great, though. Before getting married we discussed EVERYTHING and decided it was important to make a few compromises for each other and that the relationship is overall worth it. Our 13th anniversary is this year, still happy.
I've encountered some similar things in our relationship as the autistic woman in the post. The foods from his culture can really bother me, on the other hand other foods from his culture became my new favorites! His culture became one of my special interests, and funny enough, my culture became one of his special interests too.
Neither of us knew for sure before we met each other about possibly being autistic. If you know what to look for, I know I'm pretty obviously autistic.
I think they could make compromises and just be fine if they love each other. If he's thinking about leaving then he might not find enough value in the relationship to stay. At least he should try to have a talk and lay down some boundaries about spending money. I know some people REALLY value saving money over buying knick knacks and not saving will be a source of dread and anxiety. If that's him, he needs to let her know.
“Are you sure you’re not autistic?”
Exactly 😂
In all seriousness, this is a person responding to being bullied. Whether they’re autistic or not, that sort of puts this in a different context than someone simply pretending to be autistic for the lols. They should certainly deal with this compromise to their own integrity, but personally I’m not judging them for it. At least not so long as there are much bigger issues needing to be dealt with.
Everything they said sounded so autistic. Like.. if u need autistic accomodations that's a pretty big sign youre autistic.
I perceived this person as a man. Maybe he fits the stereotype enough to get away with claiming it.
Yeah, but the problem is that social ineptitude isn't all there is to autism. He could be ND, but with just social anxiety. As one of the replies said, he's contributing to the idea that that's all you need to fit the criteria, and it makes you "pitiable".
This is an issue that goes beyond autism. A Lot of couples so far read on Reddit, have communication and problems with compromising. You cannot have a good relationship without either.
I had a friend leave me because of my autistic traits. Apparently, I didn't respect her boundaries even though said boundaries were never communicated to me.
i’ve had this happen with so many friends over the years. they leave me and when i ask why, they’ll either say “you know why” (i don’t know why) or they’ll say that i kept crossing their boundaries or that i was doing some other annoying thing that was never communicated to me. so many people would rather dump a friend or partner instead of having a “difficult” conversation with them. it’s seems like most people are very avoidant of confrontation so they just let resentment keep building up instead of communicating their frustrations/boundaries. having relationships is a skill, and if you can’t be honest with someone and have candid conversations, you’ll never be able to have healthy long term relationships
I hate the whole autism = selfishness thing. Just an hour ago my father got mad at my brother and I when he mixed rice and peas and we complained- apparently having food sensory issues is being selfish because there are starving people who wouldn’t mind the mixture?? Like that’s an unrelated thing bro
The worst thing is that this happens almost every day as neither of us are professionally diagnosed (although I’m in the process but the NHS takes forever) so we just get laughed at and bullied for autistic behaviour constantly. Sorry for the long comment and venting 😅
Oh man, I hate that. I've got some foods that I can't handle because of the texture, and I've had people get upset with me for that, particularly when I was a kid. The thing with this lady, though, is that it's not just that she's not wanting to eat these things, but she's also not letting him eat those things.
So I’m Jewish orthodox and in the orthodox world dating is done basically through blind dates. My sister has autism and on the third date (which is when conversations get serious) my sister told the guy she was going out with she was autistic and he broke up with her for it. Nothing else was wrong, he liked her. it’s just the stigma around the label that makes autism a problem in the dating world more often than not
This might sound mean at first (and I'm sorry about that), but it's a good thing he broke up with her. If he felt autism is an issue, since autism is largely genetic, any child they would have has a large likelihood of being autistic, and if they were, he may then not treat the kids well. So good for her, bullet dodged. There are better guys out there, she just needs a bit of patience to not find another dud. Let the ableist trash take itself out.
The second one is almost...funny? I waited until I was working for my employer for like 9 years before I had to tell my supervisor because it was impacting my work more than it used to (both I and the job had changed over time) and it was like this super hard, difficult thing for me to admit. And then there's this guy lol
I struggle to sleep when my husband isn’t there. If he’s not there I need a bunch of pillows and stuffed animals but we do use separate blankets and I sleep with earplugs.
It seems to me that the issues he has with her are, buy in large, not actually about her being autistic? That theres personality and priority elements that sure, are influenced by her neurodivergence, but aren't soley such.
I used to mask all day unless I was completely alone. It was awful.
I'm sorry! 😞
Sometimes, I can't even unmask when I'm alone because it's like, that voice that says "you aren't safe unless you're masking" won't let me take it off. It's so awful we have to go to these lengths to hide because society won't accept us.
@@lordfreerealestate8302I sometimes/most times don't even know who the real me is due to masking so much, and different masks for different parts of life. I get scared sometimes that I will not like the person behind the mask when I really get to know them
I've been trying to unmask this weekend and some neighbors kids have decided to come over randomly... to see my dog and talk. It's amazing how much of a shock to the system it is to mask suddenly.
It sounds like she hasn't learned to be responsible for her needs in a way that takes others into consideration. I have a lot of sensitivities and I use tools to manage them and that's where the compromise is in my household. They need to use those tools (run fan in kitchen when cooking, make sure hepa filters are on high, don't use perfumes toiletries, etc). I stay in my room until the downstairs airs out because my housemate eats unhealthy food and it smells a lot even with the fan and filters going.
My current housemate is my ex and he requires being told to do stuff and notes on things because nothing bothers him. He doesn't even notice if the floor is dirty. It's a sensory nightmare for me. I resent expending the mental labor but i also feel guilty for my sensitivities so end up feeling responsible for everything.
I prefer to sleep alone but I would rather put a pillow between us then make someone sleep on the couch. I just don't like being touched when I'm in bed. But I'm very upfront about this so people can make educated decisions.
In all honesty, i find living with people hard even when I'm very fond of them. Ideally I'd live near my partner not with them but that's not realistic.
I have MCAS so can only eat certain things and i would never impose that on anyone else.
I hope that he communicates with her so he can see if there are ways to figure things out or figure out if they just aren't compatible.
I met my now husband online. We kept talking on a band forum. We have the same kind of humour. He lives in the UK I was in Switzerland. My English was terrible, but somehow we still understood each other. The first time we met it just clicked. It was weird. I came for a gig and 2 weeks of holidays and when the 2 weeks were over we both were sobbing because we didn't want to separate. I changed my flight and stayed another week. It was the 100% clear I would move to the UK. I quit my job sold almost everything I owed and 6 months later I arrived. I have never regretted it. But we do sleep in separate rooms. We tried sleeping in the same bed but it just didn't work. We both snore, we both have back problems, I have sensory issues, I like my bedroom cool, he likes it warm. I hate the feeling of warm skin on mine. He also has night terrors. And I have insomnia and sometimes go bed 3am or later. Having separate bedrooms saved our relationship. He plays guitar. One time he had an acoustics guitar with a sound that felt like someone was drilling into my ears. He got rid of it because he hated it too.😂 I can understand the problems she has. Food, I don't mind the smell of most foods apart from fennel. My mum and dad liked it, so they could only have it when I was on holidays at my gran. The smell is nauseating. So I can understand that too. Hubby likes stuff I don't and the other way round. Sometimes we just have each what we like. That's a non issue.
When we respond to an emotional story with an emotional story we experienced then it is to say I understand what you feel, I emphasise. That's something NTs don't get. It's not an egotistical response but a very empathetic one. As for the gifts that has something to do with boundaries. And maybe he was paying for a lot in the beginning and she got used to it and maybe misunderstood it as love language. Gift giving is a love language but you can overdo it. If he wants to leave her just because she autistic then he never made an effort to understand autism I have an issue with. If he wants to leave because he believes they are not compatible fair enough. But if he does, I hope he will not blame her autism. That could destroy someone.
Why wouldn't SHE be the one to sleep elsewhere if sharing a bed bothers her? Why can't she wear noise-cancelling headphones so he can practice a musical instrument? It's awful to tell a partner they can't play music in their own home. She sounds autistic and struggling with these things sensory-wise, but also unwilling to compromise on anything to be in a healthy relationship, which is a problem.
My husband and I actually have a similar issue. But the difference is that I work from home. So our compromise is that he either plays in a room that I am not in or he hooks up his headphones to his electric guitar so that I am not as bothered by the noise. There are absolutely work arounds for this kind of stuff. She could also just go on a walk or something while he practices so that she doesn't have to be around the noise
He doesn't seem very good a communication if I'm being honest. Like, did he tell her at all how he felt? He started sleeping on the couch without talking out how that makes him feel? And instead of working on a plan together he stewed in his anger meanwhile she thought the plan was working well? This is why I was hypervigilant about my partner's needs early in the relationship, because I've dealt with people who acted fine and I was supposed to figure out on my own that they were actually upset.
I agree - I value direct communication from loved ones so much, even if it's hard to hear sometimes.
But then when he DID communicated - eg giving alternatives about how he could still play guitar - she shuts him down and says he has to stop. It doesnt sound like she's been accepting of his comminication thus far, and i don't think it's super fair to assume that it's his fault that she's imposing on him (like telling him to sleep on the couch instead of offering, even though shes the one who doesnt like sharing the bed)
@@zorro...... Yeah that's fair. But I'm also giving the gf the benefit of the doubt because we only get his side of the story so who knows how consistently he communicates. It may just be that she can't live in such close proximity to someone and that's not her fault, it's just incompatibility. I know when I was in my single room college dorm with my roommate I went absolutely crazy and couldn't stand her eating next to me, but that's not her fault the space just wasn't big enough for both our needs. Also saying what you would do or should do is exactly the problem I'm talking about. Sometimes people are inconsiderate, that happens, and you talk about how their behavior makes you feel and make a plan. What doesn't accomplish anything is assuming that she should offer to sleep on the couch instead, not tell her that social rule (because that is a social rule to be polite), and get mad at her for not doing what you never told her she should do.
@necordektox879 That's valid. I do feel like there's too many "what if"s in these AITA posts in general so I lean towards taking things at face value. There's still a lot of room to interpret either of them as having made communication mistakes or shortcomings, and I ultimately do agree with you. It seems like she's not able to share such a close living space, especially with someone whose hobbies and likes are so different from hers.
I just feel like it seems unfair that the guy is getting blamed a lot in the comments section / theres a clear bias for the girlfriend even though what we've seen of her behaviour have been pretty unfair towards him. He seems to be trying to accommodate and be understanding - going so far as to go along with her dietary choices and stopping his hobbies for her and even going along with buying the things that she wants - but it's causing strain and while he doesnt want to be uncompromising to his girlfriend with her different needs, he also isn't happy here. And i feel like this video, at least, is fully defending all the actions of the girlfriend and saying "maybe the bf just doesn't understand autism enough or could be doing more to accommodate her", which seems unfair imo
Not sure if thats just me though!
@@zorro...... I think it's fair to say that he shouldn't feel compelled to give up his hobbies and cooking and bed, sometimes boundaries are incompatible that way. But aside from the guitar thing I didn't see him talk about other solutions. Like for the bed you could get separate beds, that's a thing people do. And with the guitar he also only offered solutions that put the burden on her, instead of saying he could practice outside or something. Not that he has to! He deserves the space as much as she does, but those are the kinds of solutions they should figure out together and what's acceptable and what's not for both. I wish the best for both of them in their future relationships.
I had suspects my boyfriend was autistic and then we both did online tests for fun (I'm diagnosed professionally) and he got a higher test score than me and I said like:
"HAHAH YOURE MORE AUTISTIC THAN ME" (he laughed too, he also found it funny, it wasn't meant to bully him.)
And now it's kinda an inside joke for us, we just call each other autistic the whole time, I can't imagine breaking up with someone because of their autism.
Sounds like you have a lovely relationship! 💛
Regarding showing empathy, I often empathize so deeply that I freeze because all the words I can think of seem so SHALLOW at conveying how much I feel for the other person, and then I resort to standard responses or silence. I’m learning to lean more into just being present and listening.
i finally get to be here on time! i’m in a different time zone and always miss it, but yay for summer!
My sister’s ex was like that. I have autism and he got mad that I was getting upset about me getting frustrated and loud about my college work (this was a conversation with my mother so nothing to do with him at all) he was getting mad at me for unmasking in my own home and said to my sister how he doesn’t understand how i was “acting like that” because his “aspergers was cured” cause he had good parents. He later broke up with my sister right after she was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar disorder because he thought she could control her actions and that it was a personal moral failure. She couldn’t even recognize our own mother in that manic episode and had memory loss from when that happened, the fact that he thought that was a choice made me furious. So I made him in the sims and downloaded the extreme violence mod lol
I'm so sorry for you and your sister to have gone through that, but it seems like the mentioned situation is totally different.
It seems like he does everything to accommodate their incompatibilities, and feels unheard/suppressed because he can't practice his hobby or cook the food he likes. He doesn't even sleep on a bed, but a couch... She does nothing on her part to accommodate their differences.
Nobody's saying she should suppress them or overcome them by the great power of will like the guy you're describing seems.
Wow, so we just need 'good parents' to 'cure' things, awesome.....🤦
That last bit though. Petty revenge, bIt good one.😂
The end of the text was unexpected. 😂
The last part is so valid.
I'm sorry about your grandfather. Condolences.
People can break up with someone for any reason they want and that's for the best because no one should want to be in a relationship where they're not fully wanted and accepted.
Hot take: don't ask Reddit for relationship advice ever
I think we need to know more about how much she was masking, no relationship is ever fully built on full disclosure but it is a hell of a thing to say to someone that "Oh yeah, the person you fell in love with was just a mask, now you got me", masking to an intimate partner to land a relationship is another term for a bait-n-switch with a fancy name.
And a year of knowing one another is more than enough time to disclose this.
I assume the not autistic boyfriend might think that autism is causing the weird behavior or not want to be with the autistic girlfriend because of autism.
But the fact is whatever it is, he was uncomfortable with her behavior either way knowing about autism or not. But probably knowing it's autism might cause him to have even more of a stronger feeling in spite of not understanding it.
So I don't think it matters if someone is autistic or not, because the autistic person are themselves the whole time. Knowing about it or not.
It seems like he just doesn't know what autism entails, and so when she gives autism as the reason for her own behaviour (like making him not practice guitar in their home or having issues with his cooking), he will also take it at face value as an autism thing because he knows that he isn't well informed on autism AND because he wants to be supportive now that he knows that she's autistic..?
his willingness to post about it on reddit if he's the asshole shows on one hand he's willing to look for outside opinions but at the same time unwilling to reframe his own perspective to understand hers. he can only project a villainous manipulative autistic bitch of a girlfriend when the rest of us can recognize it's just a conflict of interests and a lack of communication. his girlfriend probably isn't being racist or manipulative and forcing him to not cook, i think the conversation probably went like hey i really don't like the way that smells and the boyfriend decided on his own to stop cooking because his girlfriend disliked it. or say she asked him to stop cooking. did she ask him to stop cooking in general or just the ones that smelled bad to her? did they discuss any alternatives or was him not cooking the only option? is she so unreasonable she forces him to sleep on the couch or did he volunteer because of patriarchal preconceived values that the man should sleep on the couch so the woman can have the bed, and then they never discussed if that's fair or not? like come on, the way he frames the post is ridiculously biased but he's too close to his own opinions he can't recognize it. it makes me fear that i'm also similarly inept at recognizing bias in myself when guys like this exist.
Yeah im autistic and id never do things like that
Before I finally realised that I'm autistic and still thought I only had PTSD I was considering telling people that 'I'm not autistic but my social behaviour is pretty autistic' because it seemed easier than explaining it in detail. So maybe that dude is just autistic and doesn't know yet?
I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2018 but just got assessed for ASD and ADHD a week ago. Still waiting on results.
Masking.... yes, I'm trying to manipulate people into not treating me like I'm intellectually "less than", by someone that I'm probably smarter than.
How diabolical of me?!?!?
I should just give license to them to treat me like garbage... because clearly I am.... to hell with those people.
yeah people really expect transparency from us but the second we give it we’re gonna be talked down to and generally treated like idiots.
Nobody should be treating you like you're less than, but walking around thinking you're smarter than everyone around you is also not great lmao
It's the truth mostly tho
@@nadiamarie9833 I understood this as an expression of the frustration that people assume you're stupid once they find out you're autistic. Perhaps because I have the same frustration.
Knowing that you're 'probably smarter than' the person you're talking to isn't the same as assuming you're smarter than everyone else. My IQ is high enough that I'm probably smarter than everyone in any given room. I try to remember that because it helps me reduce frustration when they don't understand something that I think is absolutely obvious. But I also know that (1) I'm not smarter than *everyone,* (2) intelligence has nothing to do with value, and (3) people don't have to be smart to teach me something new.
@@nadiamarie9833Here's the thing though. I AM smarter than a majority of people, though not (as I have been told many times) a genius.
There's a vast difference between recognizing a strength (in my case, intelligence and problem solving ability) and thinking that strength makes you better than anyone else. I don't feel that I am (better than people) despite knowing that I am "smarter" than about 75% of the people I interact with. You know what I'm not though? Socially adept. I hate how awful I am at building and sustaining relationships.
We all have our own unique strengths and weaknesses. Recognizing them is a positive thing, not outsized ego.
I may be lambasted for this, but I'm on his side: *_Everyone has the right to make an informed choice._* If she had known before they moved in together, heck before they started dating, and she chose not to inform him, that's on her. That is an excellent way to erode trust. Waiting until he moved in before letting him know about her sensory issues that come with her autism is manipulative. If you can't be honest with your partner, then you shouldn't be with your partner. To that end, they aren't compatible. Is it because of the autism? Maybe, at least in part, but I think it's also that *_she_* isn't willing to find some way to compromise or accommodate _his_ needs and she waited until he was "stuck" with her to let him know.
Nope, you're right on this one... you shouldn't be lambasted for speaking the truth.
I once seen something not about autism but about someone who had adhd who said their partner said they wanted to break up because “adhd people are known for violent mood swings”
As a person who loves food but is autistic with sensory issues, I cannot be around food while it is cooking if I am not the one cooking it. The smell makes me nauseous no matter what it is. Also, my boyfriend who is also autistic cannot handle having our feet or legs touching while trying to sleep so we do sleep with separate bedding! We’ve both had lots of struggles in our relationship because of our clashing autistic-ness. However, I also think the only reason we were able to grow together the beautiful way we did is because of that same thing. Being autistic is a big reason why I found love and happiness!
Maybe this is just me, but I never expect anyone to change what they do in order to help with my sensory issues. It's my issue and I do my best to find ways to cope and or better things for myself.
Me and my boyfriend sleep in seperate beds. I like my space. We sometimes sleep in the same bed. When we do, we sleep under separate blankets.
Ideas for food issues between partners:
(Background: it used to be that my partner was grossed out by the smell of my food but could usually tolerate it unless their nausea was particularly bad. However, they now have a medical condition that causes chronic severe nausea, so “stinky food” isn’t just gross, it makes them horribly ill and they’ll miss meals, or sometimes several meals if they’re really struggling, and they don’t get to do anything that day except cope with being ill. So genuinely, what can you do when someone’s sensory needs are non-negotiable?)
- cook after they go to bed or in the morning before they wake up and open two windows to get a cross breeze to clear the air out.
- make things that are good cold. sometimes the smelliest part is cooking. If you can make a bunch at once, and then enjoy cold left overs, that cuts down on fragrance levels.
- have 2 microwaves (1 for their food and 1 for yours) so that they don’t smell your food when they’re about to eat
- get durable air tight food storage containers. Not only do they properly seal in the smell, but the food keeps longer.
- do you have a separate space you can set up a kitchenette? Like a table in the garage or a spot on the patio? Toasters, microwaves, toaster ovens, grills and hot plates can all function from an outlet, and either be stored in that location or easily moved there as needed.
- make a list of low smell foods that you love so you have options for what to eat when you are spending time eating with them. I tend to eat plain pasta with them for dinner, but eat more adventurously for breakfast and lunch.
- cook plain rice (not smelly), and then walk outside onto your patio and add toppings that have flavor and excitement!
Is it ideal? No. 🤷♀️ genuinely not sure how we’ll manage normal eating habits when we have kids. But it works for now, and we both get to enjoy our food without costing the other person theirs.
This is very good to know for any future friendships we all get inplace I rather make sure they are very respected well taken care of to
I feel like it's time for the couple to try counseling because it isn't fair that (seemingly) only one person is trying. He should be able to be comfortable in the home and feel like his needs matter, too. I know what it's like to feel like you're walking around eggshells in a home of someone with high support needs and I'd like to hope she wouldn't want that to be the effect she has on others.
Your earrings are always so fun. Reminds me of Miss Fizzle.
I'm lucky to have been raised with some homemade Vietnamese food from my dads coworkers. It took me until I was 18 to figure out the flavor i loved so much was because of fish sauce. I love fish sauce omg!!!!!!
It amazes me how many people aren't fans. I love it too. Not a subtle flavor though!
Okay, 2 things:
1.) If she can't sleep in the same bed as him, then she should be the one on the couch. It doesn't seem right that she gets to kick him out of the bed over her sensory issues.
2.) If my dog was going to die, and I told someone and they said "oh" and changed the subject, I would never want to see that person again. No matter how much I liked that person before that moment, as soon as they said that, every single drop of affection I had ever had for them would vanish instantly and they would be forever dead to me.
from experience, it seems on that case specifically that she didn't know how to respond, not that she didn't care, and "making things about herself" seems more like she was trying to relate. i struggle being stuck between those two. like, i don't know what to say, i don't want to say the wrong thing, or being like hey it's okay, i know how you feel because i've been through this and this.
@maroonai I feel like, if someone you know was going through something really really emotionally difficult, it would not be hard to say "I'm so sorry that this is happening" and to be sincere while saying that. Or saying "That's terrible" or "Do you want to talk about it?" or even "oh no, how are you feeling?"
Like, i don't think saying these things would be fake or lying unless you truly lack any sympathy for the other person. These are my go-to phrases when people are going through something tough and it's never been the "wrong" thing to say. If you were upset about an ongoing life crisis and someone said "Oh... yeah I'm going through something really tough too" and didn't give you space to feel your feelings, wouldn't it make you feel unheard and uncared for?
@@zorro...... social scripts are difficult. and for me it does feel fake to force myself to say a scripted line because it's what you're supposed to do. it's easier to like nod or do gestures rather than say words. believe me i do experience empathy, a lot of it. i just don't know how to express it externally, especially if i'm taken off guard.
like i said on my other reply, i'm speaking from experience. experience from being on both sides. how is someone trying to relate to me supposed to make me feel uncared for? they are literally telling me they understand or are trying to, by bringing up a similar experience they've gone through. like even if i feel they don't compare, i feel thankful for the effort. now if it feels like my feelings are being undermined, that is frustrating but y'know i bring it up, but that's a different thing than making an effort to relate.
@@zorro...... it's a very common thing among autists to do this, it's a way that we process things like this
that’s a pretty extreme reaction. not everyone knows how to respond to situations like that. doesn’t mean they don’t care
Before I was diagnosed, cohabitation and co-sleeping with partners was my biggest relationship breaking pattern. Especially my first relationship. I did not recognize my sensory needs were going to make sleeping, in particular, so difficult. I always thought I just needed more time to relax and get used to sharing a bed again. But the partners would inevitably feel rejected and confused when I didn't. I repeated this cycle too many times. Never again, post diagnosis. I'm so glad I have my own place to live right now.
It sounds like they are just incompatible and probably has little to do with autism. I always wonder how honest OP’s are being about situations like that
I'm sorry, but going into a relationship without telling her partner about her autism when it seems to affect her daily life THIS much seems like a mistake to me.
From what he's saying, he can't eat the food he likes but has to eat how she wants, can't do his hobby but has to support hers, and has to sleep on the couch every night, all while also not feeling emotionally supported by her in moment of distress, and yet people are calling HIM the asshole for not "accepting her as she is"? I think there's a huge difference between living as your true autistic self vs expecting people to accept EVERYTHING (including negative things) about you without you also trying to make it work.
Telling the person you are going to live with that you have some serious sensory issues seems like a no brainer to me (also to warn them about autistic meltdowns). There's plenty of things they could try to do to make it at least a bit better, but it seems like she's more content to just tell him to not do things? The dude said himself that he feels miserable and that she says sorry but doesn't seem to try to find solutions. Maybe she hasn't realised how affected by all this he truly is, they need to have a serious talk about it.
I have some serious hypersensory issues as well so I know how much of a pain it can be, but from what the guy is saying this doesn't seem like a 50/50 "let's both try to make this work" situation.
Being autistic isn't a ticket for "I do what I want but this is how YOU should be around me".
This is the best take hands down. I have no idea how you're not the top comment. I guess it may be because people want to hate anything that isn't "fully accept my autism with no workarounds or you're a piece of shit." I say this as an autistic person, too. I try to ask people to help, but I also do a tonne of things on my part, especially with the sensory issues.
You have summarised everything I felt so well.
I concur. Everyone has the right to make an informed choice. I feel she waited until he moved in to let him know, which seems manipulative to me. There's no way she didn't know about how her sensory needs affected her daily life. I know I'm no walk in the park with my sensory issues (not formally diagnosed but...) so I let the people around me know what my deal is and they have the choice to be around me or not.
@@YoussefIbrahim-dc3jt I feel like this is how a lot of people here think and they won't accept that sometimes you just aren't compatible with the other person. Based on what he's said, a lot of the stuff she's demanding of him does seem a bit extreme and like she's using her autism to control him. Also, the fact that she waited so long to tell him about the autism diagnosis could be a dealbreaker. That's a big thing to know and you've lied by omission and just hoped he would be fine with it. It's like someone hiding that they're trans or hiding their political or religious views without knowing how you'd feel about it until it's really late.
Yes and no. If she's never lived with a partner before, she may have had no idea these things would effect her so strongly. She had never shared a bed and realized that someone touching her at night bothered her. Her family likely never cooked very fragrant foods so she likely just had to deal with the occasional fish or Brussel sprouts on the other side of the house--when you live in a smaller house the smell is everywhere. Actually, scents travel through vents and bother me and i know that but it's a different culture. She probably had no idea that the scents would bother her so much. She may not have had any family members playing music around her and may not have known it would affect her that way either. It's very possible she really wouldn't have realized that those things would be issues for her until after he moved in. Now that she knows... it's very possible that they are just not compatible. But neither one is willing to admit it just yet. Tough situation, just not good for anyone involved
Story 1: They may not need to break up, but they definitely should not live together. Unless they can upgrade to a much larger home. Not every couple needs to live together.
She doesn't even like the guy for who he is, and she wants him to change everything about himself, and give up things he enjoys bc she doesn't like him. This example just blatantly sounds like the guy is getting nothing he needs from the relationship. It doesn't matter if the girlfriend is autistic. What matters is he is clearly unhappy. You can say that her autism is the reason that she doesn't want to touch him in bed, makes him sleep on a couch, won't allow him to play guitar, doesn't care if his dog dies, can't stand the delicious smell or taste of Korean food which is his culture's cuisine, and expects him to pay for things for her on top of all that. Plenty of autistic people would not fit this description at all. If a guy was like that, I would dump him, and no diagnosis would change the fact that he made me unhappy.
Yeah, just because she's autistic, that doesn't make her any less of a piece of crap.
He's a people pleaser. That comes from somewhere. Best to get out, and work on his own issues. It's hard to face them, but IME so worth it!
I think it's narcissistic victim-feigning, but only a pediatric or adolescent-diagnosed autistic person who is now an adult sociopath or borderline would be so unempathetic IMO. Accepting the diagnosis turns a developmental delay into a developmental halt by excusing it with a label. It's child abuse for psychiatry to turn a kid into a sociopath.
They pretend autism is only a pediatric or adolescent diagnosis and that PDs can only be diagnosed in adulthood to avoid moral accountability for not treating the parents (and to those of us they pretended to treat as kids without telling us our diagnoses). It's obvious though that NPD can be diagnosed before adulthood and they've just confused themselves into assuming undiagnosed autism inevitably becomes adult ASPD and BPD from finding ASD diagnoses in the pediatric histories of adults they diagnose with borderline and sociopathy.
I've been autistic ever since I began sleeping on my stomach in my crib, but outgrew (in my 30s) the sociopathy of my early adulthood. I don't know that I would have if I could have hidden it behind an asperger autism label or if it had been diagnosed as ASPD in my 20s.
Stomach-sleeping doesn't cause SIDS. But it predicts it, and autism too. Because it's a defensive posture against a scowling or menacing mother. Psychiatry not telling diagnosed autistics they'll have early adulthood developmental incapacities to enter into contracts can only be the leftover result of having "treated" us in the 80s and 90s without telling us our diagnoses. Funny how the induction of gullibility in autism always has to be groomed.
There are definitely some things which would be easier to compromise on, but these things would obviously vary from person to person.
I could probably live with 'same bed, separate duvets' but not with a partner cooking smelly food in our home. I even run round the house slamming windows shut in a blind panic if my neighbours suddenly start cooking...I can't cope with strong cooking smells (especially frying smells) in my home at all.
Having said that, at this stage in my life, I don't want to live with another person ever again. It's so wonderful to be able to completely control your home environment for maximum comfort.
It feels weird hearing this and it not being something discussed privately instead, there's problems here, definitely, and I kinda feel bad for these two, then again, that's kinda just life sometimes, it doesn't always have to work out
I don't no offense to them but they know better so instead of going online and saying very personal stuff for everyone see and writhe in hatred they need to communicate to a actual therapist if they can afford one I know this sounds very rude of me to say but i am getting tired of lack of maturity sometimes
I’m a kinda attractive lady. I sometimes get a lot of sexual attention. Despite my many other good qualities, before the diagnosis ever became a thing, they’d break up with me because I was “too good” for them.
Translation: I won’t speak for anyone else but I’ve been rejected a lot in many ways as a consequence of being authentically me. Autism = me = rejection
I have not much reltionship experience, but since I found out I might be autistic I started to think best to try find another ND person instead of a NT maybe sounds odd to specificly look for someone that ND but if they understand me without some weird language/feeling barrier it might be best. Else it feels like it must be some needle in a haystack situation to find someone that likes you and is willing to be compatible with the struggles we have as Neurodivergent people.
@@wej0w Maybe! I hope you find everything you’re looking for! 💜
@@MB-pf7gv Thanks, I hope you can find someone that can enjoy you being nice for them without it being "too" good.
Dude the whole "manic pixie dream girl to autistic" pipeline is real.
Masking is so mean with relationships because idk for you but in my early 20s i always got the "youre too good to be true" meanwhile i was MISERABLE because i was constantly masking. And then unmask and its "why are you suddenly like this"
I took 5 years off from dating, and stumbled into my relationship now with an ADHD boy who somehow thinks im not annoying 😂
@@knitwitchpgh Yes! That’s me. I’m sorry you experienced it too! I’ll have to look that manic pixie thing. Hmmm. Wow. It’s just a darn shame.
I think "being selfish" has more nuance than its often seen as, its not inherently bad, sometimes taking a selfish stance is necessary.
I think communication is the main problem with the first story, we're only getting one side of the story that being said he sounds like hes more than happy to compromise and has done, I wonder if she's also made any compromises to any of his behavioural traits or habits, but she is not without blame, they both sound like they need to communicate more.
My first initial thought though was she's having second thoughts about the relationship and doesn't know how to broach the topic.
In science fiction fandom there is the saying "there are two kinds of people in the world - strange and boring". (Which of course leads to "there are two kinds of people in the world - those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don't"
I really like your content because you're so empathetic and understanding. Listening to you try and rationalize other people’s behavior and see them in the best light makes me feel good because that's what I do and sometimes I feel alone in that hyper-empathy-type behavior. I feel weird sometimes when I see people judge so indiscriminately.
Pleasantly surprised to see Uyen mentioned!
i love her
as a sidenote, your earrings and other accessories (? sorry, i don't have the vocab) - they are always so so adorable 😍 the bees earlier, and these here.. absolutely lovely!
I just wish that if people had problems regarding an autistic person they'd post in actual autistic spaces about it, get the input from actual autistic people. Too many times Ive seen posts where people have overreacted to normal autistic things and uninformed NTs say that they're totally in the right.
So true! He may have received helpful advice from an autism-related subreddit.
True but I'd say the first guy for example is still justified in how he feels. Even if he was to ask that in an autism subreddit, it's not going to change the way she treats him or the way he feels about her
The one and only time I told a job about my diagnosis was 10 years ago and my boss called me a liar because I gave eye contact and "women don't have autism". I had to show her proof and then all of my coworkers somehow knew of my diagnosis and treated me like an imbecile or didn't believe me. I will never do that again I'd rather burn out and quit.
I've always told my significant others, reactions varied, but like they're gonna know something is obviously "off" with me and I'd rather them know the truth then them assume other things.
1) she sounds like she's not willing to be in a relationship. 2) well, I mean, if people are being bullying toward people who are different in the work place... maybe the workplace is in need of being made to feel bad... but yeah don't use your stereotype of us a disguise for your own issues that you don't work on and pretending you're doing some kinda sensitivity vigilantism.
Separate blankets are wonderful. My partner and I started out with them simply because a whole comforter wasn't in the budget when we got married but I had a couple twin xl comforters still in acceptable shape from college. We've carried on that trend (with replaced blankets) for 13 years. It makes for a messy looking bed if you don't plan it out but 100% recommended.
4:30 ( regarding sleeping in separate beds) I couldn't share a bed with my husband at first. It was a combination of having someone be aware of me while I tried to sleep, and the new sounds and sensations.
First we slept in separate rooms, then my husband bought an air mattress for the same room and we took turns on it, and then we slept together occasionally until I got used to it. I still have my own bedroom, though, which is nice.
Making your partner sleep on the couch every time is wild, though. They deserve the same sleeping accommodations you have.
I love sharing a bed with my partner but I can SWEAR by the separate blanket/duvets. I run really hot but can't stand being cold/need the weight of a blanket, my partner likes being colder and doesn't care if they have a blanket. So it's nice because you each get the temperature/weight of blanket you need but you also get to snuggle (and gasp sometimes sneak your arm under their blanket to hold hands).
It's difficult for me to sleep next to another person, ideally I would prefer to have a separate room, but for my partner it's the opposite, it even took some work for him to accept separate duvets. Also he is snoring, but I got used to earplugs. Now I sleep with them even when he is away) He had a habit to watch videos on his laptop with speakers and LOUD, but now he uses headphones if I'm in the same room. When he cooks chicken, the smell bothers me, but he opens windows and tries to minimise it. If it's still too much, I go for a walk. He learned not to interrupt and overload me.
The funniest part is that we lived like that for 5 years and then we found out I'm actually autistic 😅
something that I noticed with myself (undiagnosed,) depending on overwhelm, stress, fatigue or burnout; i suffer from emotional delay. Between my struggling to find words and emotional delay while unwell, it can often effect my capacity to respond or show my empathy in the moment.
Now that I'm aware, I'm able to be mindful and communicate my care with the time delay rather than moving on absent mindedly or out of feeling shame
You do get people with autisim who are selfish. BUT, there are also issues that some people with autism have that is the equivalent of being blind! And you wouldn't ask a blind person to compromise on their accommodations...
Kindness and gentle communication is key!
Be good to each other out there ❤
Oh that's how the bedding was when I visited Germany - they have two separate beds set up right side by side. Each person gets their own mattress and bedding so rolling over and shuffling of feet and such doesn't really interfere with the other person. I loved it because I could un-tuck all the sheets and roll myself up into a burrito (my natural sleep state) without stealing all the bedding from my husband. Doesn't do anything about snoring though!
With the first one, I truly don’t believe showing empathy to your partner is masking. I mean how many times in your life have you wanted to say “just shut the f up” to someone, but you don’t. Is that masking? Is holding that in masking? Being authentically yourself doesn’t mean saying and acting on every thought in your head. It doesn’t mean being cold because you truly don’t care so you show you don’t care. Yes, she likely did not care at all however showing kindness and empathy isn’t much to ask for. All she really needed to say was “I’m sorry you’re struggling with this, is there anything I can do to help you through this?” No facial expressions or “masking” is needed here. To me this sounds like she uses “I’m sorry I’ll change” as a way to not deal with anything. This sounds like a personality quirk not autism related. It seems he’s given it his best try and she simply isn’t the one for him
I think that part about the dog was exactly what she was talking about! It's not about "acting appropriately" and saying the socially acceptable things and showing the socially acceptable expressions. Insincere pleasantries are not the way to go. It's about being concerned for your partner and asking if they need or want anything from you to feel better.
Both my fiancée and I are autistic and we sleep in separate beds on opposite sides of the room. Our relationship is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is 1000% my soul mate.
Glad to be here on time, I was just thinking about rewatching one of your videos. Perfect timing!
Thank you for being here! 💛
Sorry for your loss Megan
I hate these AITA posts because it's like, why did you go online to spread your girlfriend's personal business and get other people to trash her, instead of just talking to her or breaking it off? I'd be mortified if I saw my bf posting things like this.
This is why I commented that social media can do harm to the way we view and approach relationships. Some people on Tiktok even "test" their partners and secretly record them. WTF!
yeah its an extremely toxic community that shouldn’t be allowed to exist. 100% of the comments are just trashing people/punching down
Luckily, a large majority of AITA posts (especially ones that fall into the archetype of ‘unreasonable autistic/disabled person’) are fake.