Dr. Becky Kennedy: Wire Your Children for Resilience
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- Опубліковано 14 лис 2022
- Dr. Becky Kennedy (clinical psychologist, founder of Good Inside parenting workshops, author) helps us use attachment, mindfulness, emotion regulation, and internal family systems theory to break down better ways to parent! She not only provides great, practical parenting tips, but also helps us understand our own upbringings, how they impact our lives into adulthood, and provides insight into why our parents did the things they did. Dr. Becky discusses why she found the best way to work with children was actually working with their parents through body-based approaches to psychotherapy, her own paradigm shift in parenting styles, and the differences between attachment parenting and helicopter parenting. She explains the importance of wiring kids for resilience with self-soothing techniques in order to ditch old patterns of behavior, building skills to manage emotions through validation, and how to provide kids with tools to process difficult emotions. Mayim and Dr. Becky define reflective listening, boundaries vs consequences, and how feeling alone can lead to shame and fears of abandonment. They discuss the benefits of learning to embody your authority as a parent, ways to provide structure to a child with anxiety, and the benefits of internal family systems (IFS) therapy. Mayim and Jonathan break down the benefits of cooking with your children.
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Find Dr. Becky Kennedy:
Instagram: @drbeckyatgoodinside
Dr. Becky Kennedy's Book: www.goodinside.com/book/
Dr. Becky Kennedy's Parenting Workshops: www.goodinside.com/workshops/
Theme Song Written, Produced, and Performed by Ed Robertson. Mixed by Kenny Luong.
#MayimBialik #BialikBreakdown #DrBeckyKennedy
“You can’t learn to regulate a feeling you don’t allow yourself to have” (Dr. BK)
“They’re tiny adults or we’re giant children” (MB)
“Sometimes is in the language”(JC).
No one is born taught how to be a parent. It’s the most difficult, rewarding, exhausting, wonderful, hardest, terrifying & lovely thing to do in a lifetime. You never end to be nor end to learn how to be a parent in your life, even when your kids are grown ones & parents themselves. So the things we can learn from Mayim, Jonathan & Dr Kennedy interactions here are FABULOUS. With a great dose of humbliness, is a kind of our “continuing education”! Word of a mom & recent grandmom! Thank you! 💜
Thank you so much for having Dr. Becky Kennedy. The guests that you have on this podcast are wonderful. I gave this video a thumbs up Mayim!
7
Not gonna lie I started watching this with little to no expectations and NOT because I don’t appreciate the podcast and this guest, but because i’m 23 and i’m not a mother nor do I plan on being one any time soon, so after reading the title I just thought “Uhm maybe this is not for me” but IT WAS FOR ME. It really helped me to reflect upon some of my interactions with my mother and brother growing up and it gave me a lot to think about. So here I am leaving my biggest comment yet on an episode I didn’t think I was going to relate. Once again, thank you for this! Loved hearing what Dr. Becky had to say and as usual loved listening to Mayim and Jonathan on my lunch break ! lol
Lots of love from Brazil 💚💛
LOVE this!!! SO much to take from this episode, even if you're not yet or have no intention of becoming a parent. Thanks so much for the lovely feedback, Jamylle!! 🧠🫶
Well said! Dr. Becky’s work expands to all relationships so beautifully!
We’re good people having a tough time, not bad people being bad.
The way you raise and interact with your kids is exactly the way you lead people if teamworking, coaching sports or managing. My recipe: a good mix of enough humbliness to aknowledge you’re not perfect nor know all, natural wisdom to learn to embody your authority (As Dr. Kennedy says), resilience, empathy, big doses of patience, good sense of humor and lots of LOVE. In caps.
Such a great episode again. Even for those who are not nor plan to be parents. Teachings for daily life. For everybody. That’s what this podcast is! Thanks! 🫶🏽
When I became a mom, I had no idea at all because my parents and their parents believed in tough love and superstitions. I always tell myself that my son will not experience what I experienced when I was a kid. I always validate his emotions, asking him if he's okay, If he's hurt, I will ask him if he's okay or not. It just feels so good to give and make him feel everything I never had before.
This has been one of my favourite podcasts on this channel. My kids are grown and have forgiven me it seems for my lack of insight, though at the time I believed I had insight. These strategies, as mentioned, work universally and I will put them to use now.
Thank you. 🇨🇦
The best thing my dad ever said to me was, “That’s the most natural thing in the world.” I was 16. I had shared something that made my mom drop her head to the table. There were consequences and they were clear they didn’t want it to happen again. But in that moment, feeling I’d made my mom the saddest I’d ever seen her, my dad removed any moral judgement. It was huge. Thanks, Pops!
What did you share though...
About what to say when your kid shows you their art, I like to ask my 4 year old "what is your favourite part of it?" Or "what was your favourite part of making it?" His answers are always really interesting and so unique to him.
Great interview! When my son was about 14 months old I was introduced to Positive Discipline, which really worked for my neurodivergent son. Time outs were time for both he and I to have some quiet time (separately) in a safe and comfortable place. They were not about punishment, but about calming a discombobulated system. I learned to look beneath the behavior and address what was contributing to his dysregulation, and finally realized when he was overtired or overstimulated he couldn’t calm down without help. A favorite tip is when a child has made something or drawn something, instead of assuming I know what it is, to simply ask them to tell me about it. Curiosity questions are great.
You need another hour with her! Such a great episode! Thank you for this!
Ok my parents did it wrong and so did I. And I've still been doing it wrong as I raise my grandkids. I need to shut up and validate and listen more. Thank you!
Mayim, this is the BEST interview ever ❤ I love Dr. Becky. She’s helping break cycles .
As a neuroscientist and a mom of 3, I deeply respect the work of Dr. Kennedy. I think a great follow-up to this would be about emotion regulation skills. Learning this in early childhood has a protective factor for our mental health in adulthood and a large part of how we develop these skills is how our parents model this. I would love to chat with you about this! :) Thanks for sharing your knowledge and conversations with us.
Dr Gabor Mate has plenty of words on emotional development for children. I highly suggest taking a listen!
where or what books can we learn about emotion regulations skills? Thank you!
Dr. Susan David has a great book called Emotional Agility and Dr. Marc Brackett's book Permission to Feel is also a great place to start. if you want to understand dysregulation and trauma Dr. Bruce Perry is amazing. His book is called What happened to You. I also interviewed him for my podcast Curious Neuron
@@pau.7604
Loved this episode ! All makes so much sense!!! We are broken adults that need help so we can raise our kids! 🧡💛💚🧡🧡💚💞💞💞💞
You can’t learn to regulate a feeling you don’t allow yourself to have… wow!
The way I am READYYY to apply these principles in the workplace for my coworkers 😂
🤣🤣🤣
A couple topics I would love to see more context on from this episode: 1.) The term "helicopter moms" and why it's so toxic. There are parents who have overprotective parenting patterns because of their reaction to past trauma that they experienced and the shame society projects onto them compounds the trauma. 2.) More context to how parents can regulate their emotions in high conflict situations in relation to parents who have sleep deprivation and no time for themselves. We might all be in the same storm, but some of us are in yachts and some of us are in rowboat. It's a lot easier to take a nap on a yacht than it is in a leaking rowboat. Amazing and insightful episode. Looking forward to reading more from Dr. Kennedy.
Her insight of maybe what children really question in life is "Am I real?" or "Is this real?" is soo profound cause I think I feel that in my life too. I need to ponder more on this... Thanks Dr. Kennedy, Mayim, and Jonathan for this episode!
Being treated and thought of as a bad child doing bad things is exactly my beef with my parents. My mind is blown when I think of how different I would feel and be if I had been treated like a good kid having a hard time. 🤯 I automatically know what to do next. 👍🏻
I truly enjoy the way Dr. Becky Kennedy speaks and explains her thoughts. very engaging episode! I dont plan to have children personally but the idea of aiding children with their emotions and mental health they way we do adults but in a pj way is brilliant. obviously children need to learn the basics but this world is so hurt and damaged that the "basics" needed aren't the same as they were even 10 years ago. Children are people!
when mayim was speaking about the "you're fine!" part. I felt this to my core but surrounding my mother's passing! I was 12 and EVERYONE was just saying "it's going to be okay, you're okay".. but like I wasn't! and it made it feel like being sad and crying about it was wrong because "I'm fine!" so why would I cry.. and now 17 years later I'm STILL processing her passing and still feel uncomfortable/shameful crying about missing her. it's an awful tight chest knot in the throat kind of feeling.
YOU CANNOT REGULATE A FEELING THAT YOU DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO EXPERIENCE !🤯 oh wow mayim.. another healing episode here lol and I almost didn't watch because I don't want children 😅 amazing episode.
Same !!!
Grief is such a long and complicated journey, and we're so very sorry for your loss. Sending you so much strength, Katelyn. 🫶
@@MayimBialik thank you so much!
@@MayimBialik you're a really awesome actress
Idk abt u but Mayim's voice is so relaxing to hear
That's why she appeared on Star vs the forces of evil?
@@erikbihari3625 Willoughby! ❤
@@m_brokenlegI know what's the name is.
Yesss!
I’ve always felt that way! That’s why I loved watching Blossom as a little girl💝
Thanks guys! I wish I listened to this 18 years ago! Great advice for parents of kids young and old!! Loves ya two so much!! 💗
Such a brilliant interview
Thank You, Mayim !! I'm 66 & still learning.. I love your podcast. You & John &your guests have helped me more then you know,, especially when the Rabi was on greif, my husband was killed in a car accident On October 3 & I'm trying to survive & your show helps.❤️
We are incredibly sorry for your loss, Rose, and are very happy to have you here with us. 🫶
@@MayimBialik thank you, your podcast is so helpful, I'm grateful.
Love Jonathan’s input every time. Such great points. We all are so tired that it can feel like getting to the next thing is essential, but having the richness of the conversation we missed can be so nourishing. In the short and long term we’re all better for it. This was a wonderful episode 🙏
I loved this episode, and I neither have children nor will have them, although I was a nanny for several years. I’d especially love to hear her talk more about reparenting ourselves, if you could ever have her back.
Great interview! She’s very sharp! Thank you for sharing.
Internal Family System and parts work is so interesting and I always feel like I take so much away from hearing from that perspective!
“Insight can bring awareness and awareness can lead to action and action can lead to change.” Wow 🙌🏻
Also, related to the topics at the end of open-ended questions, showing interest, etc. I think the Gottman’s work on Turning Towards is really helpful even beyond working with couples (which is their focus)
Posting under my husbands profile: A fabulous interview! So insightful. I just wish more of this modern research filtered down into the early years training. So often in the early years environments I have heard "you're fine" "that child is so naughty", and "stop crying". It hurts my heart to see children treated this way by 'professionals'. Some are excellent practitioners because they search for information, they read the books, but the training provided only hits on the basics. I will say though, one thing that is shining through now in terms of what is deemed 'good practice' is the importance of observation, encouraging the child to play around you, and not interfering in their play which used to be common. There is a need in us as adults to entertain, to react, to facilitate, to play. It is hard to sit back, to observe and ultimately to understand that a child does not need our narrative, as you said Mayim. Excellent, excellent points and I can't wait to watch another.
I am so glad I clicked on this video, its so true I am only an auntie not a parent yet, growing up I had parents who would often not get along my father blaming my mother for everything, eventhough she tried to be a loyal and supportive wife, then my father along with his father and sister planned to enrol my two eldest sisters into a school in Pakistan, they stayed in Pakistan for 2 years, when they came back they first showed some aggressive behaviour and looking down on me and my brother because we were young something our fathers sister and her eldest daughter did to young kids.
I finished kindergarten and my mother enrolled me in a local elementary school. But than we had ti move to England, which I didn't know about it and my father was very secretive even when we settled into England. That's why I developed to be more open and honest with my neice and future children. There is a long life story and I'm not going to write everything down in this comment
One of my parenting philosophies is … I’m raising future adults.
We all needed all of this, thank you for talking about the hard things
Firstly Mayim, I love you! I'm such a fan ever since childhood! Second your podcast brings so such joy and learning to my life. What Dr Kennedy teaches and talks about here is applicable to every person. I don't have kids and I will probably never be a parent but I find so much healing in listening to parenting podcasts and this one in particular had so many easy to digest truths
Absolutely love this podcast and it helps me through so much in my life
Thank you for sharing and putting Dr Becky's work in front of more people! The part that moves me the most is that this is good human-ing advice for all! Neurotypicals and neurodivergents alike. Adults and children! It's good for us all!
This spoke to exactly what I instinctively feel to be true about parenting. Thank you for this. I totally resonate with what she says about the mindset we bring to parenting...how we view our kids is more important than anything.
Wow this was great!! Thank you for interviewing Dr Becky. I don't have children, but I have several friends with children. But also for myself, I am getting that book!! Great work guys!!!
This video has clarified so many things in my mind and I wish many more people can watch this. Unfortunately not everyone is willing to learn to be a better parent and instead they think what they are doing is good enough.
Mayim I love your heart for children. ❤
Wow! Not a parent so first I leaped over this one. I love every episode of this podcast, but this one ended up touching me most. For my own feelings and for me to engage with my loved ones and to apply in my work as well. Thank you 😘
Thank you for mentioning that this is applicable to neurodivergent children as well 💕
The most amazing podcast episode ever!!!
Valuable! Thank you, not even a parent - I had someone say, “well you wouldn’t know bc you were never chosen”. That’s not actually true, we can learn from any walk of life. Again, thank you.
Wow!
What a rude thing to say to someone!
I would LOVE an in-depth breakdown of OCD for children. My son has what I think (from what research I have done) is OCD - he has compulsions and rituals he has to perform. Mayim, I know you have experience in this topic. Please do something on OCD and how children can cope with it. Thanks. Much love from South Africa.
@Gaia Barone My heart goes out to you. My poor son gets very frustrated. It eats at his whole day.
I love this so much! As a parent Educator, I teach parents about emotions and how they can affect us without knowing and how our responses to children are affected as well. I am a registered Circle of Security Parenting Facilitator and am so in love with what I do! These topics are so important to learn not just for our children, but for healthy relationships in general. But of course it starts with our children and helping them learn what positive relationships are like! I can go on forever about this topic! I want to share this type of information with the world! Thank you for doing that!!
I love MB! She is such a wealth of info and love her content!!
Hi Mayim, Thank you for having intelligent conversations about everyday problems, and trying in a way to find solutions to share with all of us. I loved the conversation with Dr. Kennedy. My daughter is 10, and although I never experience the jealousy tantrums, as she is the only child, ever since we moved to a new country, I can see the moments of anger flourishing more and more. So this conversation was very good to improve the way I remove consequences in our daily conversations. I also would like to ask I may, if you could please tap into more subjects related to girls development. (I know Mayim only has boys, but please get challenge by the subject 😉) When hormones start kicking how do we prepare our little ones for their period, and the emotions, and all the products that seem new and good, like period pantys, and cups... but first time users???? for example...
I'm currently listening as a neurodivergent person and teacher of neurodivergent kids. Behaviorism is still the go-to ""treatment"" in professional childcare and parenting. I also work with kids that use a lot of delayed echolalia. I hear A LOT of "you're fine you're fine" from kids when they start getting activated/upset. They are repeating it aloud because it's what they hear at home and school when they're having those big visible feelings that come with *not * being fine. Let's. be sure to specifically apply this knowledge to ND kids as well.
THANK YOU FOR THIS 🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿
Thank you!❤
This is such a great interview. I would love to see Mayim interview Mr. Chazz Mr. Chazz as well. The male perspective is so rarely seen in parenting circles, and gentle parenting is such a counter-intuitive approach for so many in the Black community. I would love to see an interview with him.
23:29 yes, yes, yes! I completely agree and had this conversation with someone important in my life recently.
Since my toddler was a few months old, I started noticing when he got frustrated from falling or hitting something , that if I acknowledged what happened and stopped to explain him how was it (for example: “you hit your head right here on this wood on the top of the table when you stood up, look, right here, you did like “pah!”. When you lift, like up, you’d better watch for your head, do not stand up, just crawl, so you don’t get hurt)
He would immediately stop crying and pay attention, his face would become more relaxed from understanding what happened.
I realised sometimes things happen so quickly, that they don’t have enough information to process how exactly that happened, and that can be very scary.
So from doing that all the time, he started trusting me more everytime he felt or something like that. And also, he started taking more calculated risks.
One day at a park he tripped and felt. A stranger ran immediately to help, because he was screaming hard.
The stranger was looking at me like: aren’t you going to do something to soothe him?? And started saying: “it was nothing! That was nothing!!” Trying to minimize so he would stop crying, when in fact he was the hell scared wondering if he got seriously hurt.
But I was just waiting until his first energy burst was over, because I knew he would look at me waiting for an explanation.
And so he did. He starred at me, stopped crying to listen, and I said calmly while pointing: “you tripped on that metal lid that is a little bit opened” and waited to see what he would do next.
Of course he hadn’t seen the metal lid pointing a little bit out of the floor.
He immediately stopped crying and was relieved like: “oh, ok, thanks god it was just that. All right I’ll go back to play.” Got of my leap and just went back to play, really happy and excited.
The lady was looking at me so surprised and intrigued from what she had just seen. He was only a 16 months baby at that time, would speak about only 10 words, but how did he understand that???
That day I understood how important it is to connect to your child on a deep level, on trying to understand what is really going on in order to HELP and not only manage or manipulate to get the outcomes you think are correct.
Loved this one! I love Jewel and was so excited to hear her- but this one felt so practical and helpful as a solo parent of a toddler who sometimes loses my cool.
Omg I love this! This alignes with what I practice in the classroom which is conscious discipline. Love all this information out there for parents!
cannot wait to watch! favorite day of the week ❤
This made me so very happy to hear, thank you a million times. I’ve learned and am still trying to learn as much as I can to be a good parent to my only child, one who will not have the same issues I do. Started following Dr. Becky because while I know some of these techniques and try to align to RIE, it’s always great to have more resources. Hearing Jonathan talk about what is required when dealing with a 2 year old literally made my year 😅. I’ve somehow managed not to lose my Stuff but it it So hard some days and it really helped me feel less alone, and normal. ❤love you both so much
This was a great episode with an awesome guest. Will there be any promo codes for Dr Beckys membership?
Oh yay, I'm excited for this!!!
Great show
Rewatching with a notebook and pen right now
This was absolutely life-changing for me. Thank you so much.
I'm not sure if you're taking suggestions, but I think that you would have a really great time with Mercury Stardust on this podcast 😊
Love the indepth information here...I try to remind myself when I get angry...my kiddos have feelings too. And they are still learning about their own feelings. I'm not perfect by any means. I'm just trying to do the best I can. Ya, sometimes my 5 year old just wants to be a butt. Smh 🤪
I think it depends on WHY a child is given a time-out. If it’s punishment, then it won’t be very effective.
But if it’s used as a time to remove the child from the frustrating situation, teach them how to cam their sensory system down, and get to a place that they can genuinely apologize, then I’ve found it to be very effective.
I always take a time out when I’m angry. We teach our kids that it’s a good thing to do so that we don’t hurt others with our angry emotions, and give our bodies time to calm down before addressing the situation.
We do a hug time out, so the child doesn’t have to process everything alone, which can be more upsetting
Nailed it. T/O’s were more for our folks’ generation…to pause before beating the ever-living shiii commenced
That being said, I reveled in t/o & was very content to their utter dismay, vicious cycle
some good points
wow, even Blossom has a YT channel now - good for yee, great episode btw.
Please talk someday about anger management, I would love to hear about that, I live in México in a really small city and also in a country that thinks that this stuff doesn't matter. I am having access to all of this thanks to you, so please, and thank you, I love your channel
More parenting episodes please
Yay! Another episode. I've not been disappointed yet...
Am I real = Am I normal = Do I belong = Am I safe = Am I connected in safety & love
Hi Mayim!! Love your show!!
Just FYI: I'm signing up for BetterHelp, and you're not on the list of UA-camrs for some reason. Of course I'd like for you to get credit for it. 😊
I need more info on how to implement this type parenting on a teenager after you have done it all wrong for the 17 years of life... basically reprogramming the relationship and upbringing!
When I tried to understand what my kid was feeling behind his poor choices, my husband said I was giving him a way out by putting words in his mouth. Ex: I’d ask “why did you push that kid?” He responds “I don’t know”. And never answers. I start asking, “were you trying to play and got carried away or were you mad at him for something?” Then my son would answer from the choices I presumed was the underlying feelings. I agree I don’t want to put words in his mouth or give him a way out, but how do you approach this situation for finding out the why behind the behavior to be able to help him?
How do you create a new circuit? That’s my problem. I recognize I need to break my habit/ circuit, but as much as have a desire I don’t know how, or what I replace it with!!
Mayim, if she's not already on your list i would love to hear your conversation with the author of Mother Hunger
Have a good day
I have listened to most of your other podcasts but put this one off because my kids are grown but I got so much from this!! Now I have to go back and apologize and talk to my children for trying to divert their feelings instead of recognizing them.
Thank you again Mayim and Jonathan for all you are doing with this podcast.
I wonder if this could have helped me with my nursing home patients. But I wasn’t able to handle the behaviors and fighting with the patients with dementia. The problems seem similar.
Of course it would help with your patients! Give it a try even with the hard ones,, there's always a light of hope that opens for them,, I know I'm a retired nurse & dealt with some hard patients even the mean ones, defuse their angry feelings by asking about themselves.. it's all about really caring,🙏🤗❤️
I thought I shouldn't watch this cause I'm not a parent...... but learning the struggles of my parents is nice.... I'm also 33.... and it makes a lot of sense
I wonder if time-outs are a part of why I as an adult find sitting down to meditate so distressing
Question for the community and Mayim and Johnathon - My daughter is 4 years old, and I have a 2 month old - is it too late to help my daughter ? It seems like most experts say that she is too old for me to fix the mistakes I have made by not using this better parenting method …
Never. Too. Late.
Please Please Please tell us parents of early to mid teens that it's not too late for these strategies. I've said and behaved in ways so contrary to what you are educating us on, in the name of thinking it was the "right" way to parent or teach, or the correct lesson, etc etc,
At 25 minutes. I honestly fell that you gotta adjust your eye of the beholder when it comes to children crying and and parents saying “it’s just fine don’t worry about it”. Try to look though the eyes of your children.
Does she have classes for those of us who are raising our nieces & nephews, who came to us in the teenage years....
I'm raising my niece, who came to me at 14 who's parents are addicts. Oh, and her mother just passed away.
My parents,” Sit down or else you’ll get five across the eyes !”
What does she mean when she talks about waking up to red light and green light
The thing where no one would talk to an adult like a child saying “you are defiant…etc” my first thought was women definitely use to be talked to like that…😬
U should invite constance wu to ur podcast
This was a good discussion, and reinforced my desire to never have children.
We'll just call it a falling out
I think I totally f …ed up my kids after listening to this. I had so much anxiety wanting to do everything right that I feel my kids were effected by it. It’s too late now they’re grown. But they’ve never been in jail so I’ll pat myself on the back for that. 😂
I am sorry you lost me when you said every parent cares about their kid. ( 13:26.) I love my kids but I was not loved and now I have 3 adult children and 2 grandchildren who I screwed up, because I didn't know what to do. One of my kids is going to jail for assault, one who wont leave the house at 32, and one who is so Mad she would watch me down. Dr. Kennedy just brings up tons of negative feelings for me, I need someone who can speak to my needs.
Love Mayim. Love the podcast. Questioning her judgment however by not challenging the Jeopardy producers having a question that made light of Gabby Petito’s murder. Shame.
CopyPasted from the transcript:
Dr. Becky: "to me the core skill we need in life is just emotion regulation, it's
like the single thing that underlies every other thing we do, and I was like that's what kids need, and we know how I
know how adults now build regulation I know what happens in the therapy room I know these experiments I have them do I know our relationship I know they're
revisiting I know internal family systems and understanding our parts and all of that so like what if I kind of
just thought about okay well how do you do that with kids, and then I truly remember thinking this I said you know what people love about Behavioral
kind of parenting approaches people love Clarity, and we all love
clarity we will, I really believe we'll always choose Clarity over something that quote
feels good because feeling confused and like rudderless is just the worst feeling because every parent cares about
their kids so you want to have Clarity on your role, so I just remember thinking like as these days went on okay
well, if I'm gonna kind of think about how to translate some of these other ideas into a kind of practical approach
like it has to like beat behaviorism and Clarity or at least be like as good like...
parents have to know okay this is what I do, I have to know what my role is and if I know what my role is, I will be able to be effective..."
We need another mind on this from a different racial/cultural perspective/voice.
So I love your show and Dr . Kennedy. But why can’t we be who we are? You both would be who you are if all of us were perfect as parents or as humans.
What is jonathans last name?
Cohen