I Don't Want to Care for My Elderly Parent
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- Опубліковано 26 січ 2022
- Caregivers say I don't want to care for my elderly parent anymore. Why do caregivers arrive at feeling exhausted, burned out, or frustrated? In this video for caregivers, expert Pamela D Wilson talks about caring over time, expectations set by caregivers, and how to think about caregiving in terms of the resources that exist to care for aging parents.
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My wifes mother has always told her "when i cant look after myself, just put me in a nursing home. Even if i am mistreated in the nursing home, i dont care. Live your life" she freed her from the guilt of having to look after her in her old age.
Its the bravest thing i have heard someone say. I plan on saying the same thing to my kids
Your mother in law is very brave indeed. You and your wife are very fortunate.
I have said the same thing! Mean it with my whole heart, don’t want anyone putting their life on hold for me❤
Say it if you want- its DUMB to do it! There's something very wrong with kids who can abandon parents in a home. If a parent has to go- they should be visited every single day possible, or at least called. Visited often, kept track of their care, their medicines, are they happy, clean, coherent as usual or declining ( excluding Alzheimer's) eating, etc .
Best thing is NOW get long term care & disability insurance and be sure you know every detail & condition of it so you can't lose it on some technicality. Make sure somebody you can trust knows you have it, appoint someone your POA in case you're incapacitated- & someone to share it if possible so there's 2 & some accountability. It'll come much faster than you think so do it now!
Same. I told my daughter to just put me in one and don’t worry about it. My narc mother has been saying since we were kids “promise you won’t put me in a home”. Not doing that to my daughter. And my mom is now going in a home whether she wants to or not.
My mom could never care about me that much. I've learned the very slow, hard way that she's just not capable.
I’m 23 and I’ve been doing this for 5 years since I was 19. I feel like my life is just drifting by each minute, I feel so depressed taking care of both my grandma and grandad. I feel like I have no life taking care of them. I sometimes hate the fact that I have to cook, clean, take her a bath & carry her to her doctors appointment. My grandma is heavy set and it’s hard for her to move on her own without her needing help. She has 6 kids who don’t want to even take on the responsibility that they left me to deal with. I’m honestly at the point where I can’t do it anymore this will be my last year of being a helping hand. I just wanna be happy and take care of me for once 😟
Quince. I understand. Here's a link to a 24/7 complimentary program available on my website that may provide support with some of the challenges you are experiencing. There are 8 modules so it's a lot of information but practical. pameladwilson.com/support-caring-for-elderly-parents-overwhelmed-caregiver-support-online-course/
You're 23 you should be enjoying your own life at that age. I have a Son your age, I would never burden him with caring for my elderly Mum and Dad. I'm sorry but your family are being very selfish.
Please get out. You are too young and the family dynamic is totally off.
I know what your going through😪. I'm taking care of my 97 yr old Mom with dementia and she's a handful. I'm 67 my relationship, my physical and mental well being have suffered. I have no life!! I'm going to get help with her care. I can't take it no more. You should also look into home health aids. You are too young to take on this responsibility. You will be in my prayers.
What about your career? If you don't do anything in your own life, there will be no social security, 401K or anything when you reach your grandparents' age. Their children must step up.
"My children did not choose to be born. I chose to have children. They owe me nothing. I owe them everything."
-Elon Musk
Love that quote thanks for sharing.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert 💞
Ugh sounds like he has a child fetish
I told my mom many times I can’t no longer take care of her that I am going to get her home care giving or place her in assisted living than she becomes angry with me. Starts cussing me out, tells me she can take care of herself. A huge part of me wants to walk away disappear & never come back she just turned 65 I am 35 I’ve been taking care of my mom on since I was a child 8yrs old living with her mental disorder schizophrenia bipolar depression & now I have no life! I hate my life! I did have a point where I did move out of state to escape but every-time she becomes very ill the family calls me to come back this time I came back after 5yrs because brother only sibling passed away 43 & my mom got very sick so I had to come back left my life there I was In a relationship there came here got guardianship & been taking care of my mom since sept 2020 now it’s March 2023 & I am exhausted I just want to end my life I hate it everyday that I wake up… I ask myself what did I do wrong to be here in this position today. My only hope is to try one more time for this ALTCS ins that’s with ahcccs to pay for assisted living because I can’t go another year of doing this if this gets denied again which will be the 4th time I am going to apply I am done I am walking away removing myself from guardian and disappearing never coming back here eve again because my mom is selfish she doesn’t care about me at all doesn’t care that I want to make a life for myself just wants me right here taking care or everything for her.
Easy for the richest man in the world to say.
People can judge all they want! But if you have never been a caregiver you just don't understand I take care of my mentally ill adult son and I do everything for him! Yes many caregivers take care of loved ones but eventually your life is no longer your life! This kind of caregiving is emotionally and physically exhausting! It is a big responsibility! Whether you're taking care of ederly parents or disabled child! If you have never done this before don't judge!!! ( Mrs Garcia) wife of Raul
Raul - It's easy for non-caregivers to be judgmental because they are naïve and have no idea what caregivers go through. God bless you for caring for your son.
"Eventually your life is no longer your life??" Uhh, what?? Lol
I was wise enough to forego having children. It follows logically that only I and God Almighty should be able to dictate the terms of my life.
@@sullathehutt7720 - We're all going to need someone to take care of us whether we have children or not and I suspect that God may have a little more say on what happens to us based on how we've lived our lives.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert
Speak for yourself lol. I'd rather eat a gun than live well past my usefulness and have to have somebody wipe my ass and feed me like a baby. A life like that is unnatural, and worthless.
Exactly I'm taking care of my dad now I love him dearly but it's not easy I can use a break right now
My dad is 95 and he is narcissistic and appreciates nothing. I am burnt out and depressed. We just retired and me and my husband are both burnt out.
I understand. Do your best to set boundaries.
I feel my mother is the same, I get paid a small amount to take care of her, and yet I find she still speaks on the fact that I "accept the payment." What she dosnt acknowledge is that some of that money goes right back to her care. She lives with my husband and our child (another on the way) and I am the only one taking her to her doctor's appointments, cleaning her room, making dinner and breakfast on the weekends,
Setting up rides when I'm at my full time job. Not only that, the stress to ask her to do or not do things. Its emotionally too much. I'm made to feel guilty because I've placed limits on what I can do. She's been with us for 8 years now. I'm am tired. We just bought a home and the walls are already horrible, the floor in her room needs to come up. It's the nerve to make it seem like I actually care about recieveing money (which fails to be enough) and then insinuating I'm not doing enough.
@@kryssyization do something! Tell her she needs to do more to help or else!
@@kryssyization Have you considered finding her an alternative living situation so that you can focus on yourself and your family?
@@kryssyization turns out my father is in the last stages of dementia so what I thought was him being belligerent was the dementia. What I had was caretaker burnout. It is not fun. Get yourself some help Kryssy...you deserve it. I'm praying for us both to do the right thing.
The more you help someone, the more helpless they become.
Yes this is true in most situations.
Thank you for talking about this. I’m an only child, have no family support whatsoever, and have to care for my 87 year old Father who depends on me for everything. He went downhill fairly quickly after my Mum died 10 years ago. I love him dearly, but feel angry and resentful that I have no life, especially when other people my age are retiring and travelling, and having time for themselves. I know it sounds as though I’m whining, but can’t help but feel hard done by. Just wish I had a sibling to share the load.
Karen - you are not whining! Being a caregiver is difficult especially when you have little or no support. I have a support group on Facebook called The Caregiving Trap that I invite you to join. there's also other support on my website in my library of articles and here in many other videos.
WTF , he is your father and he is 87 year old , you must take care of him , how you can be happy if you travel without take care of your father??
@@user-tr6ex9zp6h please don’t misunderstand what I’m trying to say. I haven’t travelled anywhere and can’t do so whilst I look after my Dad. I’m an only child and don’t have any brothers or sisters to help me and I’m exhausted and need a break, that’s all. While I’m able to, I will continue to look after him.
@@user-tr6ex9zp6h Thanks for sharing the cultural differences that we often don't talk about. I speak with many caregivers throughout the world and some feel as you do. There is a difference between collectivist and individualistic cultures and how families see the responsibility to be a caregiver. There is also the personal responsibility to take care of oneself throughout life so that at the end of life we are less dependent on others. My opinion is that everyone has a choice regardless of how we are raised. The quality of family relationships is not the same and the effect of being a caregiver is not the same on everyone. I don't promote criticism or judgment of the choices that any caregivers make because unless you are that caregiver it is impossible to understand the complete situation.
I have a sister and she doesn't help at all with my Mom. I have been her caregiver for 4 yrs since she fell and broke her hip. In the 4 yrs my sister has seen my Mom 6 times!!! Sometimes siblings DON'T help
I loved my mum she had a hard life..she didn't have me until she was 42...she got altzhemiers..l would give a limb to have her back...taking care of her whilst l was in full time work was a privilege and not a chore. She was a joy..she died at 82y.o ..l still break my heart, she was a fantastic person...if you truly love someone...you do whatever you can to make them feel loved and cherished. I used to read to her at night and sometimes she would say "who are you" ? Broke my heart..but l knew she felt comfortable in a clean bed...clean nightie...cup of hot chocolate....she felt safe and loved...we don't know where we will end up..lm 63 now..l hope l have someone to tuck me in and tell me "everything is going to be OK.
It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with your mum. Not all children find themselves in this position. We all want someone to tell us "everything is going to be okay." Sending you positive thoughts.
God thank you.. someone has a comment about what a lovely person their parent was. Most of these comments make me think just before I can't take care of myself if I can I'm just going to off myself. It is very hard caring for my mom many health problems but she took care of three of us by herself She never complained she worked three jobs sometimes and still we were dirt poor but we didn't notice and her love has a far far reach I have siblings that don't pull their weight but I will do everything I can for her to be in a dignified world outside of a nursing home for as long as possible. ❤
@@suziehart6581 - I had wonderful parents too. But that didn't mean that, at times, the situations weren't challenging because of outside circumstances. I think it's not always that parents are bad, people are exposed to bad situations, health problems happen and that makes everything else so much more of a challenge.
My parents lived their life irresponsibly and put their childrens' lives on the chopping block and left them to fend for themselves... I told my parents long ago that _"you reap what you sow"_ and to stay away from me in their time of need! They did!
Good boundaries and decision making.
I wish I could tell the whole story how I ended being a helper/caregiver to my loved one. What I will say though is that it's not for the weak. At times I get frustrated with my loved, but I never show how I feel. You have to be calm and have a lot of patience, even when they are testing your nerves. I was forced into this situation by another family member, and my mom pointed it out to me last week. Just know it's not for the weak.
Caregiving is not for the weak or timid. Interesting that your mom also has insight into the challenges of the situation. You seem wise beyond your years. If you're looking for more support there's a free program on my website about caregiving. You can find it here: pameladwilson.com/support-caring-for-elderly-parents-overwhelmed-caregiver-support-online-course/
I took care of my mom with cancer and dementia for 8 years. My father insisted that I care for him to the same degree whilst caring for mom and working full time. When mom passed I was now bankrupt, disabled, unemployed and diagnosed with depression and ptsd. Yet I have really been the sole family caregiver for dad for the past nearly 6 years after mom. Thats a total of 14 years with virtually no breaks. The moment I try to talk to dad that my own health is now failing and how I can no longer sustain this he immediately goes into a "I want to just die" mode or just says "I know, I know" and nothing changes. I once told him when he said he wanted to die (he has therapists he sees regularly but he never mentions this to them) that he is not the only one who wants to die. He quickly answers, no, don't. Don't kill yourself UNTIL AFTER I AM GONE.
To put it into context, at a job you get a standard minimum of 2 wks vacation a year to recharge. If I got those 2 wks vacation that I never got now I would be on vacation for 7 straight months.
Thanks for sharing. Caregiving can be a long road with family members making the caregiver feel guilty about not doing enough. Finding a way to set boundaries can be helpful. There are over 145 podcasts on this channel to help caregivers manage through - my website has the text and videos that accompany them. This may be a source of support for you and help you figure out how to get your time and life back. P
Put them in a care house!!!@!!!!
if you can take care of shtbull mutt you can care for your father too drop the excuses.
@@lavanda430 wow lady you are a piece of work. I have been taking care of him for 15 years now so keep your judgements to yourself.
@@patriciavandevelde5469 , my Mom put my Dad in a "care house" and he was dead 6 weeks later.
I have had this talk albeit in less calm manner. I thought I have made it clear that I wanted nothing to do with him. He got into some money and we (my siblings and his siblings) repeatedly told him to think about his own retirement. Yet he goes and gambles it all away, rents a place beyond his means and even more than our own rent AND NOW expects us to pay for his debts. He earned way more money than us in his time but we mostly lived in poverty and shame because of his gambling. When he got his inheritance, he burned through it in a few months and expects us to support him even though we repeatedly made him understand we barely get by with our own income. He could have just used his money to live the rest of his life without being a burden but he chose to be a child… spend it all and expect us to rescue him.
People get exhausted caring for parents they loved dearly. It is 10x worse being guilt-trapped by people with “he is still your father” when I never liked him even when I was a child. Something about him scared and disgusted me. He gave us a really hard life. He had a temper and shamed us with his gambling. Now he expects he is our obligation when he barely gave us a life worth living. He gave me depression and crippling anxiety that I am still coping with. Life is hard enough as it is without him imposing himself. I know I would gladly care for a parent who had been a true parent to me. I just cant see myself caring for a person that made me want to kill myself so many times in the past and now sends me into flying rage just by talking.
Ainsley - thank you for sharing your story. Gambling like substance abuse can become an addictive behavior where the person who engages in this behavior continually expects others to rescue them. It sounds like this is your situation. Here's a link to a podcast with an interview about addictions and caretaking behaviors. It's good that you recognize that you can't continue to support him and he needs to find his own way. Don't feel guilty when others tell you "he is still your father." They don't have to live your life. They're looking in without a true perspective and understanding of the situation. pameladwilson.com/how-to-stop-being-a-caretaker-video-the-caring-generation-podcasts-radio-program/
I absolutely would cut all ties to a "parent" like that. Do not beat yourself up for wanting to do that.
@@darleneh608 - Self-preservation can be a gift to oneself.
I have the same feelings as you
My dad gave us good education clothing shelter but never love I was always scolded and beaten. I lost my mom who was my friend now I have to take care of this idiot man. The urine stench in his room makes me feel so depressed I don’t want to take care of him but I have to my beautiful life with my husband and kid is ruined the day this man entered my life
@@vel5122 thank you for sharing that. I do sometimes fall into the "maybes" sometimes. Maybe he will change... Maybe he wont be as bad... Maybe he wont be a burden... Maybe I can try... Maybe I should give it a chance. But then I realize there had been no change for years when he had the power to do so. I cannot sacrifice the life I have with my family for his sake. I hope you find your peace soon.
my brother and i help dad out he stays in his own home and gets around well. when he needs more we are putting him in a home. when my dads father got sick my dad took him to a home and left him to die. what goes around comes around
Family relationships are far from perfect and the actions of parents set an example for their children that they may not realize. I am glad that you and your brother have your boundaries set.
Thank you for posting this. I’m just working up the courage to watch.
You got this!
My wife and I are in about mid 30s and finally welcoming our first child into the world in May. We bought our first house in 2020 and her parents who are in their 80s quickly moved in. They have no retirement or savings. I feel my 30s have been stolen from me and can't imagine what my 40s will be like.
Thanks for sharing. It's good that you recognize the challenge ahead. Is it time to make a long-term plan for her parents? If not you may spend the next 10-20 years as their caregivers at the expense of your marriage and raising your child. Here's a link to my online program that may be of some help. pameladwilson.com/support-caring-for-elderly-parents-overwhelmed-caregiver-support-online-course/
Divorce if you don't get this under control. Their failure to plan is not your issue.
9@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert
I wish I had left the country before my mother got sick and never returned.
Dora - I understand. Find ways to cope and work through the emotions you are feeling. There is a webinar program on my website that might help. Here's the link pameladwilson.com/how-to-manage-caregiver-stress-and-pressure-online-caregiver-education-program-videos/
Same!!
Caring for my mother for years changed my life for the worst. She has been gone now for a while and it is still hard for me to get back on track.
I have been taking care of my disabled grandmother since I was 13 and now I am 17. I’m doing this only to help my mother so she can go to work, but I’m mentally destroyed and I have lost my motivation to go out with friends(when I can) and my motivation to study for school.
I am so sorry to hear that you are taking on adult responsibilities at such a young age. Your desire to help your mother so that she can work is admirable. Stress has a significant impact on the brain and motivation. I hope you can find some time for yourself. Not sure if it will help but there's a free course on my website for caregivers and one of the modules talks about dealing with stress and managing emotions. pameladwilson.com/how-to-manage-caregiver-stress-and-pressure-online-caregiver-education-program-videos/ I also have a podcast that you might find helpful. This is the link to all of the apps where you can listen. pameladwilson.com/podcasts-for-caregivers-caregiving-radio-program-the-caring-generation-pamela-d-wilson-host/
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert Thank you so much!
Your life is important too. At you age, life is just starting. You deserve to live it! College, job training, a career, fun, etc . Go live Your life
I feel so absolutely drained and depleted. I promised my mom years ago I would care for her. But I feel like I have missed out so much in life. I have had to sacrifice it all, while I watch everyone else enjoy their lives. How is that fair? How can they even look at themselves in the mirror? And then complain about everything that I do?
You can always choose to set a boundary. Some promises can't be kept. Look for the podcast on this channel about breaking promises.
My mom expected me to take care of her since I’m her only child. She has dementia. I tried for three months, but it was affecting me mentally and physically. I told her that I promised she would be well taken care of, but that it would no longer be by me. She was devastated and I think it might have led to her quick decline. Within a week of being at an ALF she was placed in hospice. It’s been really difficult for me, but my family and I agreed that it wasn’t healthy for me to continue carrying for her at my home.
I started when I was 25 I'm now in my 50's. It sucks sometimes but you're doing the right thing. We are on this earth to take care of each other. The world may not appreciate you but I do. You are a blessing to your mom and to this world. God Bless you my friend.
i just saw this, like many of you i am at the end of my rope. I care for my 83 year old mom and also for my 59 year old brother that is a quadriplegic. it is so so out of control now. like you state, it started out a little at a time. my mom was still able to help my brother a lot. i was the back up to the health aid. Since covid, although my bro can get care thru Medicaid, he cannot find anyone to help I don't believe the health care workers get pain much and in our area there is such a huge shortage of workers it is an impossible situation. it has been 4 long years and i am not real young myself. Just venting!!!! dont know what to do anymore. Oh and i also work full time and have grandkids i want to hang with. Oh and to make it worse, my mom and bro did not plan for their future so basically have no money. Thank you for letting me vent. I get so so depressed.
Contact your local Medicaid office to see what support might be available so that you can stop being the caregiver if you can mentally and emotionally make that choice and be okay with it. It sounds like your mother and brother might benefit from being in a care center which would allow you to do on with your life.
Thank you very much for what you do with lots of love. I'm 65 years old. My wife died 3 years ago I think I know what I need to do. Love you God bless you and stay safe.
Thank you for the positive feedback it's very much appreciated. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. Sending blessings back to you.
Yes caregiving is exhausting it's a lot of work taking care of anyone with health problems or disabilities Mrs Garcia
Raul - It is and only caregivers know this.
Yes I'm Mrs Garcia and only caregivers understand caregiving is exhausting and you must be careful not let yourself get caregiver burnout! ( Mrs Garcia)wife of Raul
To all the caregivers out there who feel trapped because the sole care is thrown on your shoulders: Youre angels.
To the ones who never jump in to help and leave it all to you: Theres a special place in hell for them someday.
Thank you for sharing. Karma takes care of everything.
me and my husband are making this decision now and trying to find the resource that can help get his mom in a care facility. shes got multiple autoimmune issues and heart issues and has a hard time on her feet and her knees.
we decided we donmt have the energy, and resource to give her what she needs to feel better and do better, if she stays her relationship with her son will remain 6 ft under. and she will whiother away depressed in her room because we both also work full time and have a kid.
its so important to set boundaries in these moments and know your limits so you dont kill yourself over mentallyu, emotionmally and physically
Danielle - I'm so glad that you realize the importance of looking at the whole situation and what is best for everyone. Many caregivers sacrifice their marriages and lives to care for elderly parents and end up needing care themselves.
I didn't even know these videos existed in youtube. Thank you for posting. We placed my 87 yr old mom in an ALF 18 months ago after my sister and I took turns caring for her for 2 years. Best decision ever but now, my spouse and I have to somewhat care for my MIL who is 4 hours away. I don't want to do it but hopefully it's just for 2 months until she goes to move in with her daughter. I do the best I can but I don't like it. 😞
You are welcome. If you make a plan to care for your MIL that ensure it's only short term you can accomplish this. Set firm boundaries.
Thank u for this video.
Sally - It's my pleasure. Thank you for watching.
Hi Sally, how's your day going with you?
I'm 61. I do not want to take care of my mom. I feel like Ive been taking care of her far too long already- and if it kills me- I dont think she cares.
Your efforts have likely set the expectation that you will continue to care for her. Maybe it's time for a conversation about making other plans?
My mother has enough money for a good retirement home and she had ALWAYS said the money was there so our lives would not be burdened...
But my sister insisted that she move in with her...but now that she is in really bad shape (My sister had to retire early & now is dependent on moms money to pay the bills) she wants my brother & I to help.
We have basically given up all claim to any inheritance, in-exchange for oppting out of care giver duties.
No guilty feelings for either of us
Sounds like you and your brother made a wise choice.
Senior care is far different than child care. Childcare parents are able to teach their children how to be mature and can even take their children out to explore the world and explore life. Seniors on the other hand are slowing down later in life and need more assistance at times you’re unavailable. That is why elderly who can’t take care of themselves must move to a senior assisted living home and shouldn’t use their children as their caregivers.
Yes, senior care is very different. Parents have many expectations about who will care for them. The earlier this is discussed in the family the earlier everyone knows what to expected and can make plans for care.
I didn't really expect to take care of my parents but my mum came dwn with Alzheimers and I am her primary caregiver for 4.5 years now. I didn't have to do it but I want to. Big difference. When it becomes really bad we will get help but so far it hasn't been easy but it hasn't been really bad either. I just can't get away but that's OK as I had a carefree existing 56 and did loads in my life. Now I am in a different stage and I just get on with the job.
@@samsoto338 preach I completely agree 💯💯💯
My Mom has always been mean and narcissistic my entire life. In 2018 she fell a few times and decided she would become an invalid. She is only 77 and doesn't have any money. she doesn't drive, doesn't go to the bathroom by herself, doesn't cook, and wheels around in a wheel chair. She thinks I should be caring for her. She regularly has bathroom accidents and has a lady who comes and cleans her up. Now she has written several bad checks and can't pay her bills. I live in another city, and honestly don't what to take care of her. My dad died years ago, and my brother is estranged. I feel so guilty, because I literally want to ghost her. There is no way for me to escape. I don't even know what to do.
If she can't pay her bills I would start investigating Medicaid as a backup so that she will have a place to live and receive care this is out of the realm of your responsibility. Watch this video ua-cam.com/video/SJNQOLKIMMM/v-deo.htmlsi=k1Z9SxuSRZyleO2z
I took care of both my parents,more so my mom,cooking,light cleaning,did her hair,my older brother did alot too.My younger sister did nothing.I will never regret helping them,my mom in particular needed more help.They both passed,dad first,mom two years later.They had resources,I had much less,and was divorced.I'm sure they got tired of taking care of me when I was growing up.I will never ever regret it.
It sounds like you had a wonderful family. Thank you for sharing.
It's even worse when they're super grumpy and entitled 😔
Yes that does make it more difficult.
I appreciate how you answer all the comments.
You should experience my my 91 year old mom. A real angry and bitter bitch and a half. She will die ALONE.
Awesome content. I'm the DIL of a couple who will likely need care and some folks in the family are not interested or seem so to me. Going to be an interesting ride....
Thanks for sharing. Have early conversations so that you are not the automatic assumed caregiver.
I have my own life .. I wouldn’t expect if I had children for them to take care of me when I’m old .. u only have one life to live ur life.
You are a unique person.
I actually skirted out of this one, I'm an only child and my parents were too far gone for me to do anything, both ended up in a SNF My parents had been divorced for decades, My dad had Parkinsons and mom had a major stroke which left her paralyzed on her left side, she was morbidly obese at 260lbs at 5'2" and she was a paranoid schizophrenic, I couldn't tackle any of it, plus the fact I was single and worked full time in the medical field. They are long gone now....New subscriber, since I'm not interested in care for parents, it would me and my care, no kids to take care of me.......I'll keep watching....Thanks!Tobey
Hi Welcome - Thanks for sharing your story. You can find a lot of tips in my caregiver course. Just consider yourself the person who will eventually need care. pameladwilson.com/support-caring-for-elderly-parents-overwhelmed-caregiver-support-online-course/
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert Thank you! I’ll keep following…..
I couldn't appreciate you enough. My parents are going through a divorce. My father was providing care for my mother who has fibromyalgia. It has overwhelmed him to the point of filing for divorce. Now the burden has fallen unto my shoulders since I still live with them. Not only am I a caregiver for my mother, but also her body guard for when my father gets aggressive. But there's only so much we can do without making bigger issues. Your videos have provided a lot of help for me mentally.
Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you are in a very challenging situation and are doing your best. Sending lots of positive thoughts.
I've been caregiving for the past 20 years and counting... starting with my paternal grandfather getting lung CA and my dad coming down with stroke when I was in college, then now taking care of my 90 year old paternal grandmother. (My parents are divorced) My grandpop passed away a few years after diagnosis, but my dad was disabled for over 10 years before he passed away. None of them spoke much English. Now I'm 39. I didn't have any life in my 20s and 30s and I see no end. This sounds really evil, but I secretly hoped my grandmother would pass away the last time she had a heart attack. But no, she's healthy and hopes to live until at least 120. I think she'll outlive me. In any case, my mom's 62 now, but if my grandmother lives another 10 years, then my mom will start needing more help by the time caregiving for grandmom ends. By the time when everyone old and gone, I myself will be old. I never had the time to date in my 20s and 30s and now I'm single, and I'll die alone. But I don't want to reproduce just to have a caregiver. That's why I don't plan on having kids. But I still wish I could go on dates someday and focus on my life before I become too old.
It sounds like you have already been a lifelong caregiver. You have to choose to set boundaries and take back your life. My online program may offer some support in this area. pameladwilson.com/support-caring-for-elderly-parents-overwhelmed-caregiver-support-online-course/
You're not evil to think the way you did about your grandma, honestly, I feel the same way too and I'm not evil, I'm just tired. You need to focus on your baby, you are 1 year from 40 and trust me your life can change within 1 year. You can find the love of your life and get your studies on and travel, never say never. Start thinking of getting help from a paid caregiver or putting them in a nursing home. You don't burn out yourself for people who had the opportunity to live their life only to now want to steal yours from you. God live your life, don't let next year catch you the same way, put things n place, and do what you must to reclaim your life.
the issue with "outside resources" is that they still need to be closely supervised by....the primary caregiver. And even if you pay $40/hour to some angelic agency with minimum 3 hours (6 hours weekends) and give them permission to drive grandma's $70k vehicle, it is still always coming back to you as caregiver no matter what. So I am all in favor of the primary caregiver being a paid position and a contract drawn up.
Any outside resources, as you call them, including doctor's and healthcare professionals must be supervised to a point. Caregivers and the people who need care must advocate for themselves and not take information at face value. I've also supervised 24/7 care in my client's homes. It is a job and you are supervising and sometimes training these employees who work for other companies. None of this is easy. In my opinion all caregivers should have a contract (family or not) so that if the situation does not meet expectations they can be fired or removed.
I am 38 , my grandma passed away In June at age 77 she was the caregiver for her husband my 85 year old grandfather .. I was the only grandchild who checked in on them on a regular basis the past 12 years .. I took my grandfather in and he is living with me. My grandfather is a kind man but does have medical conditions and it scares me! I am taking it day by day but I do not receive much support from family because they also have there shoulders full with their own families and situations , I can’t really get mad about the no help because they never built a strong relationship with each other. I do have a family of my own but I just could not leave my grandfather after him losing his wife be alone without any support. My grandfather told me ... if his dementia takes over and he can’t remember anything to put him in a nursing home because that is to hard to put on someone ...
Bless you for being such a caring person and so young to take on all of this responsibility. Your grandfather also seems very wise.
I told my mom to make other plans bc my answer is no.
It's good that you've made your intentions clear.
😢
Same! She already knows!
I'm not taking care of them but I am supporting them financially so I haven't had a life since I was 25 years old. I'm now in my 50's. I don't really regret doing it other than when my parents die their house that I've been paying mortgage and rent for 30 years will be split 3 ways between my siblings and myself. I think the least everyone can do is give me the house. My siblings have their own homes that will be paid off soon so why need even more money while they leave me with one third of a house.
You could come out and request that your parents update their will so that the home becomes yours in return for the 25 years you have supported them and paid the mortgage. I would also be fully transparent with your siblings to let them know that this is your request and see how they respond. Who knows, they may be agreeable. If you don't ask you'll never know.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert I'd love to but that would open up a can of worms. My sister is looking forward to getting her one-third. We changed the deed earlier this year so the three of us are on it and my parents are off. I'm hoping their hearts will change over time.
@@NoName-zb1gm - If you changed the deed, I hope you consulted an attorney. If your parents need to go on Medicaid because they lack money to pay for care this could cause a significant issue. Investigating this may be your window of opportunity to change the deed back.
You should get the house free and clear... My brother and I did not really want to be caregivers, so we were happy to give up our share of the inheritance
Mom is elderly with a huge home and plenty of money. The house is grimy and the backyard is way overgrown. She won't let me clean and won't hire a cleaning service. I'm disgusted with it all. She is obsessed with not spending money. I'm almost 70. I'm stressed.
Set a boundary and refuse to help unless she is willing to meet you half way.
@@MarkJohnson-ht8wd I'm headed to that road
I absolutely refuse to be a full time caregiver to my aging mother. She is a hopefully mean person and complains non stop, that being said i still end up helping her out when she asks
Its good that you know what you are willing to do. This is the challenge that most people face. Thanks for making time to comment.
For some reason my wife feels like she has to do 8 hour days when she goes there . She has four sisters and only one other sister really helps out . They have a caregiver every day but she constantly gets calls at night from her father say you’re mom pooped. It’s sad ! It could go on for years we’re in our 60s .
Your wife may not want to disappoint her parents. Her father also may make her feel guilty i.e. the phone calls at night. Perhaps discuss relying more on the caregiver and slowly reducing the 8 hours a day she spends at the house?
What happens if a neighbor wont take help from anyone? But continuously NEGLECTS his mother to the fullest. 92 year old woman with dementia.
I would make a report to county "adult protective services" and ask them to investigate. If he is neglecting his mother's needs this is not okay. They may tell you to contact the police to start the process. I'm glad you care enough to ask the question. You may be the only person willing to advocate for this woman's care.
I’m all for help and support, any agencies to clean house, buy groceries, etc. My mom took care of her elderly. I took care of mine. I could not look myself in the mirror I had slighted them when they were most vulnerable, so I could give myself all the free time to do whatever I Thought would be more fun for ME. When care for them became more than I was able to do physically I went to the care center daily to help take up some of the loneliness and time. You may shirk your responsibilities, no one can stop you. You said you wanted to be the daughter, not the caregiver, well baby, you are growing older everyday, you won’t turn around before you are 75, it comes on surreptitiously. Then, I hope you enjoy strangers as your closest human contact. In general, adult children do what they saw their parents do with their own parents when they were past helping themselves…
Thanks for sharing. Yes adult children can follow the behaviors of their parents who took care of their grandparents.
Listened to this with mixed emotions. It seemed relevant to me most of the time in terms of gradually becoming a caregiver .... but I was puzzled by the use of phrase "parting ways" at the end? Phrase sunds like ending of relationship, not just change of role.
Some caregivers do eventually have to part ways to live their own lives. This can mean hiring others to care for parents and moving away for a job or a relationship. In other situations where there is an abusive relationship (parent to child) the child does have to remove them from the situation for their own health and well-being.
im already passed the burnout stage i dont have a life im not allowed to go out with friends but my mom goes out with hers which isnt fair i dont get help from my father she wont trust anyone to take care of her because not everyone is vaccinated
Tifah - It sounds like you are in a difficult situation especially if you are dependent on your parents for support. There is education and support on my website in my family caregiver program that you may find helpful. Here is the link: pameladwilson.com/support-caring-for-elderly-parents-overwhelmed-caregiver-support-online-course/
Selfish
I’m getting highly annoyed and frustrated I get called every 5 minutes and I can’t even get sleep I’m at her house more than my own apartment that I pay for. I can’t do a nursing home because I don’t trust them
JJ- You can learn to set boundaries. Schedule a daily call with your parent and otherwise don't accept the calls. The more you do the more you will be expected to do. Also if you can find a caregiver that can help. Here's a link to a program on my website that you might find helpful. pameladwilson.com/support-caring-for-elderly-parents-overwhelmed-caregiver-support-online-course/
Yes same
My mom cares for her brother. None of his children want to help (wasnt the best father.) She can only do so much because they are both very old.
If something happens to her, I won’t be his caregiver… idk what will happen to him.
I would have that discussion now and make it clear that they need to make a backup plan for his care.
I am a caregiver and have been for 15 years.
Currently i am a live in caregiver of my 90 year old uncle and 85 year old mother.
I had been a caregiver for my wife during illness she had which thankfully has improved where she can physically help herself now.
I get judged by other family members who are OBLIVIOUS to taking care of others
Most people have jobs that end each day, a caregiver is 24 hours a day!
I feel frazzled but what makes me angry is the outside judgement and like i said above its from family or outsiders who SIMPLY do not understand.. it is a selfless job and under appreciated
Thank you for sharing. I agree caregiving is a selfless job and very under appreciated. Make sure you take as good care of yourself as you do others
I'm an only child. My mom will be 60 in May. My stepdad is 54. He works full time. She's on disability. Back in February my mom went unresponsive. Thank god my stepdad just so happened to be home that morning or she wouldn't be here. My bf, who works over the road 5-6 days a week and is never around, and I decided my parents could move in with us since I'm a stay at home mom/home maker. I've got my autistic 3 year old I'm taking care of of course and now my mom. I would never not let my mom be here but it's been overwhelming and uncomfortable to say the least. I'm 34! I just moved out 10 years ago and I know for a fact that until my parents are gone they will live with us. I feel like a teenager again except this time it's my rules they abide by. It's just so bizarre. I absolutely miss coming home from dropping my son off at pre-k (he goes for 2.5 hours a day 5 days a week) and having some time alone. I actually cried my eyes out knowing I will never have alone time in my own home again. Or at least not for many years. I knew my stepdad was stressed bc he works full time and would come home and have to help my mom but I didn't realize how much help she really needed.
it sounds like you have a full house. Find a way to set a few boundaries so that you have some alone time and can do things you enjoy. As you say, you've got a long road ahead of you if your parents will live with you for the rest of their lives and this choice is going to have a huge effect on your life, your marriage, and your son's life.
My husband and I moved into my mum's house a year ago following my father's death, luckily my youngest son is renting our house. My mother has late stage dementia, is violent but tragically, still ambulance. I'd rather be doing something else but she is my mother and I see no reason why her violence should be inflicted on other people with dementia, which it would be. I've worked in residential and nursing homes and a presence like her makes the lives of other residents and staff a misery. My mother has always had mental health and control issues and living here to care for her is not exactly a joy, it's exhausting. BUT, my parents supported me till I left home, so 17 years .... and my dad was a wonderful man, very involved in the lives of my four children and we were devastated when he died. I feel strongly that taking but not giving back is reprehensible. If you are caring for relatives at a young age, or in your 30s or 40s, the situation is different I think. I'm 59 and my husband is 54, we are both still fit and healthy. I have had to give up my job and pension, my husband is still working. The bottom line is, I couldn't sit at home, or go out to work, knowing that she is being disruptive and violent towards others, she is not their problem. Family has to mean something. Other cultures care for their elderly within the home, we tend to poke ours away for someone else to look after. Our situation is difficult, I dislike being hit and verbally abused, but why should another human be at the receiving end of MY mother's personality?
Kathryne - It sounds like you have a wonderful family situation. And you are right dementia behaviors can make caregiving very difficult whether you are the caregiver at home or in a community. Thank you for sharing your story.
I want to be a wife. I have been a caregiver to my husband since 2015. My mother also lives with us. She is more independent thank God. My husband and I are in our 60s. I seek help for myself through my local church. I pray for strength and a kind spirit as I juggle so much. God help me!
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job as a caregiver with your mother also living with you. It sounds like you have a wonderful support system. If you're looking for more tips etc. This program on my website has information and while it says caring for elderly parents it really applies to caring for spouses or ourselves. pameladwilson.com/support-caring-for-elderly-parents-overwhelmed-caregiver-support-online-course/
Can you help me? My dad is 81 and lives in California. I am 31 and lives in new Jersey with my two brothers. I am not in the financial situation to care for my father. I have alot of debt and trying to pay that off. I have asked him to move back here which would be easier because my brothers would be here but, he refuses to move to from California. I am more equipped to handle responsibilities here. I would probably be my dad's care giver because my brothers aren't fond of our dad. How can I start my life and build my financial situation and still care for him?
If your father is adamant about not moving the best you can do is to be clear that he must find ways to care for himself or find others to care for him. California has a program called Medi-Cal that can be very helpful for elderly with health problems who are low income. Investigate care options for him, give him the information, and let him decide what he wants to do. Then live your life.
Your video is a god send. I have been taking care of my aunt and spouse together who have dementia for four years. I am exhausted. I love them both so much. I hired outside help to help it work for awhile. Than put my aunt into memory care to help her with my visits. My husband is aging as well from the age of 65 to present 70 he has declined physical health as well. Every year he has a major surgery for the last 5 years. Here is the issue, I am physically,mentally and spiritually exhausted from helping them. The solution, I am now making decisions to move closer to family and friends to help with his aging process. It’s sad for me to watch the deterioration. You are 100 percent right when you open up about, how did I get here. Well, I wanted to be the good wife and niece. I thought my love would be enough and it is not. I thought since they both help me in life. I sincerely wanted to give back. This is what I never considered that when they help me they were younger than me my aunt is 30 years younger and my husband is 10 years younger than me. That being said today I am 60, my husband is 70 and my aunt is 90.
They help me when they were young and healthy in there 30,40&50 years old. I am trying to help them in my 60’s. I am aging as well and it’s really starting to erod my health. So , the wisdom I leave someone is this who wants to be a caregiver, you need to look at the whole picture before moving forward in helping others. Look at your life make sure you have the time and engery to help. If not step back and say no. Be honest with yourself don’t do something if you can’t and don’t feel guilty. Your love can’t fix the aging issue. Love is not enough. You will put your life on hold and you will not get that time back to redo lost time. So think clearly, and be honest. It will help everyone who is in need. Including yourself.
Joan - thank you for sharing your experience. I have a podcast called "Caregiving takes more than love" that echoes much of what you have shared today. Sending you lots of positive thoughts for your journey.
YOUR NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR AUNT
I wish it is as easy as this. It’s not
Jessa - It's very complicated and emotional.
Why should anyone sacrifice their future and become a maid for someone else just because they brought you here
That is a great question for everyone to consider. Thanks for asking.
Excellent point ☝️
Exactly! I am currently living with my nutjob 91 year old mother (ugh!) because I'm currently separated. She drives me NUTS. I ignore her 99% of my life. I'm glad to go to work just to be away from her. She a narcissist, angry, alone, critical, bossy, a real bitch. She has no friends because she feels it's her right to insult people. I don't think God will forgive her for her sins. I live for ME not her.
Agreed - Neither of my parents took care of their aging parents. I'm not close with my father and he's starting to ask for quite a lot of help. They had a good life, affordable housing, travel I will never be able to afford. Not keen on spending my time working ans caring for them like a servant.
I’m 73
There’s no way I would expect my kids to care for me
It’s an impossible situation all round
But
Lesley - you are rare! Many parents have a lot of expectations of their children.
You are wonderful. My family is mad at me because I moved out of state My mother has refused to take care of herself for a very long time and now her health is in a steady decline... I don't see how this is my fault.
@@Gforu81 It's not your fault at all. We all have to take responsibility for our actions.
@@Gforu81 Don't let her guilt you into caring for her.
I have to take care of both parents and work, but it's my Dad that makes it hard
Your mom is lucky to have you if your father is that difficult.
My elderly father drags a chair around the kitchen all day like a 3 year old, he is driving me crazy
I understand how frustrating this might be for you. Does he have dementia?
I did travel across country to take care of parent after 3 surgeries. Now I'm broke and have to pay off the debt I ran up. I told the parent they could move in with me across the country but they refused. I can't afford to quit my job so parent is stuck across country. Not sure what they're going to do.
It sounds like you have done what you can. It's now up to your parent to make good decisions.
Oh, wow, I am in pretty much the same boat. I tried for YEARS to get my aging folks to move to where I live (800 miles away), to no avail. Parents (mainly Dad) dug in their heels and wouldn’t budge. Now I am stuck 800 miles from my home, husband, friends and support system. Mom has dementia, and is medically very fragile, Dad has multiple health issues as well. Oh, yeah, and they are 90, and live very rural. Now how am I supposed to bow out of this situation? It is to the point that I am having panic attacks at least 3-4 evenings a week, and my health is taking a huge hit. Sorry, all this to say I feel your pain! 💔
@@indianne9781 I am so sorry to hear about the issues you are facing with your parents. While you may not be able to bow out you can move your parents. Sending you lots of positive thoughts!
Wow we are in the same boat. My dad is 81 and lives in California and I live in new jersey and completely broke
When you are on SSI and can barely pay the bills . There are no resorses.
Larry - I also suggest checking with Medicaid, the local Area Agency on Aging, and similar groups. There are programs available for low-income individuals that it can take some work to discover.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert , thank you . I will continue to search for help . It's very difficult to get anyone in the government to answer the phone . God bless you for your reply . It shows that you care .!
@@larrywilliams7942 - I agree. The government can often be the "prevention" department instead of the helping department. Don't give up. Too many people do!
Camoon. Say no. It's not selfish. It's common sense.
I'm 52 and only child. Ond parents are living and good condition. We are make deal, that if come some dramatic sick, euthanasia. I have 3 child and 2 grandchild, we make same deal.
Honest we didn't are people with diaper and dementia.
We understand, that is more people who didn't think like this. Be kind of action like this. If you haven't nothing good to say, don't say anything.
Absolutely good video. Hola from Finland 🇫🇮
Mira - Hello to Finland! So glad to hear that your family has already discussed this. So many do not. Thanks for sharing.
I don’t think encouraging younger people to be more self-centered and less loyal to the parents that raised and paid for everything is right.
Thank you for your comment. The way parents raise their children have a lot to do with how children treat their parents when older. The desire to care for parents can go either way.
Since nursing homes cost about $10,000-$15,000 a month and Medicare pays only 20 days. After that- for 80 days it's $196 a day. As a case manager in a hospital, and in healthcare since the mid 1970's there are some things we have learned to expect
1- Hispanic, and Asian families are AMAZING in lovingly caring for their family members. Even children are taught to get grandma/grandpa a glass of water, bring them their dinner, get their parent.. They come to the hospital and stay at bedside 24/7 if the hospital allows. AND they insist on taking them back home..They always come with well cared for skin and fed, medications given etc.
2- Black and Native Americans follow close behind. The absolute worst and who we brace ourselves about are White people (I'm White BTW). ALL of them if affordable will have an alt caregiver though in the Hispanic and Asian populations they are usually free and friends and family members who rotate as respite care or as primary. Same with the Black and Native American.
Working in 4 different hospitals over 20 years I don't have one instance of an Hispanic, Black, Asian family dumping a family member. Not one. Only one Native American family. ( We have a very large Hispanic and Native American population in this county too) In the White population, this is a weekly event, lately daily, holidays we expect "the dumping syndrome" we call it.
A LOT of how we care for our elderly and FEEL about it is cultural. We have a social worker in the ED to either help them find a way to help each other or give them a caregiver list, or sometimes call APS or law enforcement. Often the kid is living in the parent's home and have NO right to evict them nor can they if they've been staying with their child...as a tenant or "squatter. " NOR can they take away their rights and make decisions without conservatorship. OR an advance directive which is usually limited to situation where the person no longer has capacity, and a Dr has to agree. Coma is an example.
Caregivers are costly and unaffordable for the average person. Usually a family can afford IF anything a couple of hours a week.
Unless there is a physical disability (and I have seen hero CG's in wheelchairs caring for their spouse or mom, dad.) mental incapacity or a major geographic problem I don't have respect for the self centeredness our culture as White people has become. We need to glean from Hispanics and Asians and other what they are doing RIGHT that makes family paramount.
It is very sad to see parents, spouses dumped especially at a holiday time, the only bright spot and they get cheated out of it. They are NOT products and things they are people. They raised you, lived with you through good and bad times. Worked to make your life better, and most did the best they could. There are a few incidences of toxic abusive parents and those are a different story.
I am fortunately enough to be in a family who move heaven and earth for each other and hopefully will never need care.
ALL of us hope that if we have a healthy outlook. Doesn't always happen that way though.
I hope people get over the mentality of parental, spousal burden and start enriching themselves. There are some admirable great hero caregivers and they need to be our icons and examples.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. Beyond the "cultural" aspects you mention are parent-child relationships and many other circumstances. For example, there are many situations where children are abused and then refuse to care for their parents in later life. Refer to ACES (adverse childhood events/experiences). In addition, there are blended families where there are 2 sets of children who are related only by marriage, and they may want the best for their parent but not care for the step-parent. Also, Medicare does not always pay for days after day 21 unless there is a specific need. Separately, according to research, bias exists in the care of different races by healthcare systems and physicians, including Black, Latinx, and all women. Beyond families, not all health systems (perhaps yours is the exception) communicate and coordinate well with families. Nursing homes and hospitals "turf" patients at 3 pm on a Friday because they need available beds. I have been the recipient as a care manager, medical power of attorney, and guardian of phone calls from the people being discharged and their children who, while I'm sure the hospital had someone sign for discharge, were unprepared for discharge. Then there are the observation and admittance issues at hospitals that don't want to be fined for accepting patients with certain conditions per the Affordable Care Act Section 3025. Care for the elderly is a complex issue not solved alone by family culture. Not all parents are models of good behavior who take care of their children with the expectation their children should take care of them.
I see the same too and agree with you. Its almost white people (I'm from the Mediterranean region) who can't help or don't want to helpwith caring for parents in any way and care facilities are the way to go where they might get dumped and visited once in a blue moon. Other cultures are bought up showing respect and honoring their elders. But today's society is 'all about me'.sorry if some are offended but I was bought up differently and I would never put aside my parents. Help at home is better than putting someone away.
@@passionatesingle Your parents are lucky to have you and vice versa.
@@passionatesingle Yes help at home is always the best if it's possible.
i had to take over when covit my mums 95 shes the most rudest horrible person now my health has got worse i cant leave her to even get an appointment she wont allow social services i honestly cant want to die as it wont be my problem
I'm so sorry you are in a difficult situation. Maybe consider setting some boundaries and scheduling social services so you can leave for your appointments. Let her know that this is what you're doing and do it.
You or your elderly parent have to have money and resources for any of that help. There are too many of us stuck with no help and pathetic insurance and no money.
Money is not always necessary to receive help. There are resources for older adults who do not have money to pay for care-- however it takes time and effort to identify and plan for using the programs.
Thanks. We have tried for programs. Applied for extra Medicaid and have caseworkers and social workers. My mom lives in a camper and is barely mobile. Once a week visit from a therapist of OT or PT is not enough. I don’t have room in my house or time or money to take care of her. Nor do I want to. (She left me in a children’s home as a kid). She’s had 3 stays within the last year in a rehab nursing home due to extended hospitalizations. When insurance says they are done paying, they are done. Only for the cycle to start over.
@@sara_7595 It sounds like you have done a good job of finding resources. You can set a boundary and leave the rest up to her.
I never asked them manage everything
Thank you for your comment. Some parents don't ask children to manage everything. Children can have a way of taking over - if parent's don't speak up and tell them to stop. On the other hand some parents do expect their children to do everything. As always two sides to every situation.
Ditto.. I don't want to care for bed bound double incontinent Uncle . I'm dragged into it by emotional blackmail
.scream
Can you find a way out?
Parents take care of their children... children should help take care of their parents I believe and Did until they passed.. Nursing homes are absolutely Horrible...Bible says Honor thy Father and thy Mother....
Thanks for sharing.
I dont want to care for my elderly parents either. Just cos our parents took care of us as kids doesn't mean we should take care of them as seniors. A child's destiny is to grow up and reproduce an elderly person's destiny is to die
True - not everyone is meant to be a caregiver.
Damn straight
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert Not sure. I think it's a child's time to give back. The senior is alone & scared.
@@gamerwhiz6847 Yes there are a lot of opinions about this.
Wow
I have a mentally ill son and have been caring for him for 28 years. In 2018 we had my mother come to live with us. It was the greatest year of our lives to care for this wonderful person… it is one thing to be something and greater to be something for someone… Ms Wilson is obliviously very self center… non family person.
It's easy to judge when you know nothing about my professional and family experience. You might be surprised if you took the time to learn more. You are entitled to your opinion just as others who have different experiences about caregiving are entitled to theirs.
Wow
We need to remember all the sacrifices our parents made for us when thry were young and stop being selfish self centered chiodren oeriod.
It sounds like you had wonderful parents. Not all children had the same experience which does make a difference in their desire to care for an help parents who were not supportive of them..
Every single individual is responsible for making sure they save for retirement rather than expect to mooch off of others.
In a perfect world, yes. Unfortunately, a lack of access to education results in low financial and health literacy.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert
How about when the people in question bought a house for $38,000 dollars in 1962 and earned $700 dollars per week BACK IN THE 1970s and when they retired in 1993 that house was sold for $280,000 dollars AND had been paid off already?
Then they move to Florida and choose to live in one of the most affluent cities in Palm Beach County? And they bought the Florida house in cash for $95,000 in 1995, so there’s never been a mortgage. And now that house is worth at least $280,000.
But suddenly they claim that they have no money.
@@agrendae Thanks for sharing your opinion. Everyone has different beliefs based on their background and social experiences. Individuals who grow up in poverty have very different life experiences from individuals who grow up in wealthy families. Education is also another factor.
@@user-vv9np5iq7n Having money in "hard assets" that can't be accessed does not mean that people have "disposable" income that they can use. Property is nice to have, but it may have to be sold to have money to live. It's the trade-off between having a paid-off home worth a lot of money and an income of $700 a week. Then you look at rising rent costs. The money from the sale of the home may be consumed by rent expenses, so in some situations, there is no easy solution to having money to live on or to pay for care.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert
So are there any options for such people in America?
America has billions for Ukraine and it has money for public, state run schools to hold Drag Queen shows for children, so has any money been left over to take care of the elderly in the nation known the world over as the Beacon of Freedom?
I’m 40. I have been caring for both parents since I was 18. My mother fell ill with emphysema when I was in middle school, and when I turned 18, the job was passed over to me. I cared for her up until she died of cancer. I was 27 years old when she passed. I had one year off, then my father became ill with COPD and has a permanent catheter, I am his live in care giver. He is now 79 years old, and I am 40, I’m married with one child and my father does not want to bathe anymore. He smells and is extremely dirty. He wears the same clothes for weeks at a time and refuses to change. He throws temper tantrum’s like a child (something he’s always done even in his younger days) when I bring up him needing to change his clothes into something clean or shower he gets upset. I hate having to live with him. He is old and mean and everything sets him off. If something falls off the counter, he screams as if he has PTSD, which he DOES NOT have. When he yells for unnecessary reasons, like when he screams profanities after he sneezes, I get a little jumpy. Lately, he screams at my eight-year-old daughter, which I get in his face about, an order him to stop disciplining her! He’ll yell at her for things like dropping something. There’s no reason to scream at a small child, because something fell out of her hand on accident. I don’t know why something like that causes him to blow up over, but no, he is not a war veteran. He’s hardly ever worked his whole life, I’m sick of taking care of him, but if I move out, he has nowhere to go. He’s on Social Security and is limited income, and in a housing program that allows me to live with him as a live-in caregiver. I really hate it, and I feel bad to have to say that out loud, but it’s so hard sometimes. That’s just my feelings on the matter, but I don’t know what else to do. I guess it kind of makes me a bit sad that he was never much of a father or provider. He was always very whiny about everything in life, never tried hard to do anything or take care of his family, he spent most of his younger days, napping, and doing little self appointed projects here and there. Always lived for free off of my paycheck and my mother’s Social Security. Every time I leave the house, even if it’s just to have a little bit of “me time”, at the store, he makes my outing about him, and texts me that he needs me to bring him something, which requires me to rush right back to him. He spends all of his time in his bedroom, watching TV and taking naps still to this day. I remember when I took the job as my mothers caregiver. All I asked in return was that I may finish my high school via a Home School course with a bit of the money that I was earning, because I was using my whole paycheck to pay my parents for a two bedroom apartment. my parents agreed to that contract. About a year later as I was finishing my school, I received a letter in the mail, saying I had been months behind on my tuition payments, and if I didn’t pay all the money upfront, they would not give me my diploma, which was a few packets away from my 12 grade graduation. When I confronted my father about it, he didn’t seem to care at all. He blew that extra money on himself and my mothers cigarette habit. I just received my high school diploma 2 years ago. Nearly close to a 4.0 GPA. It took me a long time to realize that since the age of 18 parents have been taking advantage of me financially. I was only there with the thumb over me as a good source of income for them every single penny of the paycheck was put into my father’s bank account. That was during the time my mother was alive and I was her caregiver, but now that I am my fathers caregiver, I am paid directly to my own bank account, which he does not have access to. It’s still really hard that I feel stuck with him. I wish there was another way for him to be cared for without me having to be the one to oversee every aspect of his life down to doctors appointments, medication refills, meal preparation, grocery shopping, etc. it gets overwhelming sometimes because I feel like I have a second child in the house, on top of that he throws childlike temper tantrums which are obnoxious. He smells completely awful due to his bad hygiene issues. He refuses to take a shower, or even change his clothes no matter how much I push the matter it enrages him for me to bring it up, and it ends up with his temper tantrum response. He smells so awful. I don’t know what to do. She doesn’t have to smell that way. He looks so disheveled. He has clean clothes; new clothes, but he won’t change out of his dirty ones. He hasn’t bathed in about eight months. He used to bring stuff in the off the street, but I will throw it out. His doctors are no help. I have reached out to them about this issue and they just say things like “oh yes, he needs to bathe”, and they leave it at that. I have tried to get a nurse to come out here and wash him, and it has not happened. I tried to go through his insurance company to get him some help, but nothing seems to remedy this ongoing bathing issue. I get the run around on what he qualifies for with his insurance. I don’t even want to do this job anymore. If I could just move away with my husband and daughter, I would be so happy to leave this situation, yet I would also feel extremely guilty at the same time, which is why I’m still here, and my father is in the next room sleeping soundly, with his TV on full blast (because he’s hard of hearing), while I’m in the kitchen, cleaning up his dirty dishes. It 3:34am, and I have to get up at 6:45 to take my daughter to school. Every time I have to leave the house she complains that it’s interfering with his schedule forgetting that I too am a person see my own doctor dentist, grocery shop and live my life as a wife and mother. On my anniversary, my husband and I rented a hotel suite for a few nights, and the night of our anniversary in my father calls telling me he can’t breathe, and I have to spend a few hours on the phone with 911 trying to get him assistance and help navigate the paramedics through the gated community that we live in. I know he was sick, but I feel like of all the days (my anniversary) he always manages to ruin every outing with my husband and daughter. If we plan a little trip for a day or two, he asks when we’re going to be back and whines about how inconvenient that is for HIM. No he is not in a wheelchair. And yes he can navigate around the apartment just fine if he really wanted to, but he’ll sit and wait for me to make his food and never attempts to do anything for himself. He was like this with my mother when he was younger, and she was well enough to still cook. He’s been the ultimate selfish person, his whole life and it’s gotten worse now that he’s old like when I tell him that I will drive him somewhere and he gets angry that he demands to drive MY vehicle, while I ride shotgun in the car that belongs to ME. He has a lot of nerve I constantly tell him no I will drive you I don’t want you driving my car. You are not insured to drive it and he throws his temper tantrum’s that are very uncomfortable for me and my daughter to have to sit through. I don’t know what to do. 40 years wasted and counting; as my parents personal servants.
Hi- Your father may have dementia or some type of mental health diagnosis that is resulting in these behaviors. It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. This may sound crazy but you might contact some local women's non-profit centers for abuse. They may have a way to help you move out of this situation that is obviously not good for you and will affect your daughter the rest of her life.
"the time keeps racking up. 5 hours, 10 hours,"
Me: .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................12 years later 😒
I'm so sorry. The days do quickly turn into weeks, months, years, and decades.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert
Thank you for responding. And yes. Lately I haven't been coping well. I have no real life to speak of because she's always there. No
@@ingridgallagher1029 Find ways to make time for you. Go sit outside, take a walk, get away for 20-30 minutes.