How to Deal With Deadbeat Siblings Who Won't or Don't Help Care for Mom or Dad
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- Опубліковано 5 вер 2024
- Caregivers can become angry with siblings who refuse to help care for aging parents. Gain insights into family relationships, why honest conversations are beneficial, and how relationships can be difficult to mend after years of hard feelings.
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pameladwilson....
My thing is, if you ain't helping. I Don't want to hear what you have to say!
Absolutely! They always have suggestions but never actually help.
That is so wrong. I have my own health issues and am not in a position to help. This needs to be added into this video.
If people are too sick to help then they are equally too sick to manage from the sidelines. It can take as much effort to manage as it does to actually to do the job in hand.
I can relate to this! I’ve been caring for my mom for 5+ years, 24/7, three siblings who I have asked, begged, pleaded and cried asking for a break, not a vacation, just a break once in awhile. Their answer..we are going to live our lives so not a single day off in 5 years, physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. The bitterness, resentment and anger make a difficult journey even harder. There is no peace when you never ever get a few hours to yourself
Are there other options besides family to help you take time off? Can you find a volunteer or hire a caregiver to come and give you a break, it sounds like you need a little "you" time.
Yep, I have been in the same situation since 2007 taking care of my 97 year old mom. Two brothers who have done NOTHING to help.
So well said! They are selfish and God sees it all! Three brothers who barely do anything. One visit every 3 weeks does not cut it. They are despicable!!!
@@claudiacanales2662 exactly what it’s like😢
@@debby891 amen your not alone I am also a recovering alcoholic and drink lots of coffee to keep my sanity ,take long walks sometimes ,3 times a day I have offered in anyway to help my mother is very narcissistic, so is my sister . Dad is as bad as Biden ! I have cried more than I ever had when living overseas
Love your videos 💙 I have 5 siblings 3 of them live minutes away from my dad’s apartment ( my loving mother passed away 12/20/16) I only get help on Saturdays from one sibling …the rest.. the never call, never come.. they just don’t care 😢 my dad is an angel and did so much for all of us when we were children and even when we were in our 30’s - I decided I needed to move in with my father almost a year ago and quit my job. It’s a lot of work..but I feel blessed to be giving them all the love, companion and attention they deserve. We need to be strong .. our Lord is watching and by our side 🙏🏻💙
Thank you and thanks for sharing your story. Perhaps share my channel with your siblings so they have an idea of all of the work that you do.
Amen ❤
Sometimes the parent had a bunch of children that he didn’t bother to raise, but then expects instant family when it’s his time of need. 😢
Yes, this happens a lot. Poor parent-child relationships come back later in life when the children say no to caregiving.
Yes!
Well in that case those siblings could at least be there for their sibling who is struggling. But more often than not, they won't even do that.
Im 38 yrs old single and have an amazing professional job that pays well, and guess what? I’m a full time caregiver to my mom who has a very bad type of Dementia. I have caregiver that comes 3 times a week and two siblings near me who come 2 hours not even 2.5 but exactly 2 hours also 3 times a week. All my siblings are married and stay at home and are in their 50s. I’m burned out, exhausted, and I pray for the time mom dies so I can cut them off and never see their faces again. I think of quitting my job everyday. I wish if they would save their toxic comments to themselves. One even said I should quit my job and stay home with mom-I’m an old 38 yrs old who will marry me at this age….yep those are the type of mentality they have and I deal with every day.
Thank you for sharing your story. I understand the stress that you must be under. One bit of advice, don't give up your job. As crazy as your life may seem, work is an outlet for caregivers to get away from the house and have some type of normalcy. Have you considered other options for care for your mother? Since you are the primary caregiver you have more control over the situation than you might believe. ❤
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert unfortunately, I can't put mom through nursing home, that's jut a choice I made. I always had this ideal thought that I had the best siblings out there who cared for my wellbeing. Masks just fell off when mom got sick...mom was the center gravity that held the entire family together and brought out the best in everyone. What angers and ticks me is not mom's condition, but my siblings behavior with caregiving for me. I've made the decision that when the time comes and mom is no longer around, I will no longer be part of the family. Thank you for allowing me to vent on your page.
@@bulshokades Venting is welcome here and your commitment to your mother is admirable. Set boundaries with your siblings. Don't allow their disinterest in caring for your mom or their behaviors to detract from the amazing and beautiful person you are. 💜
I’m so sorry you are going through this, its so very hard and the video is so on point about the main caregiver having thoughts of not living anymore , you are not alone here 😢
I had two parents crash health wise moved them down near me, two parents on Hospice at the same time. . One sister helps with respite, one could give two craps
I have a deadbeat older brother than has lived with my parents the majority of his life and MOSTLY does not pay rent yet still can’t help out.
Michael - This is typical. I don't know the background but if he can't take care of himself he can't take care of anyone else. So sorry to hear this!
I've got a younger brother who lived with my dad until 27. My brother and his wife basically undercut my dad who was an alcoholic and bought the house from him. Offers almost zero help these days. Oh well
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert
I am in this exact same boat! My brother has actually taken over my parents home. I am talking, him, his wife and their 5 kids all live there. They abandon their kids with my two elderly disabled parents all the time, pay a small rent at their leisure (if at all), have trashed the home (they don't clean, it looks like the filthiest daycare center you have ever seen) and also have my Dad paying for their monthly car insurance.
Yet, they never help me with my parents care. Numerous doctors appointments, medications needed for each, and much more. Could this qualify as Elderly Abuse under Exploitation?
I would hate to go there but I have literally begged my brother to just help me out with their care a little more (as he and his wife both live there) and I live 25 minutes away with a husband and family of my own too. It really doesn't make any sense at all and when they leave all their kids home alone with my parents, I wind up being a dual care provider for their kids too.
I am at a mental breaking point, something has to change.
@@nickigirlaz7735 Yes this could definitely be considered abuse and exploitation of your parents.
Yep. Dealing with this right now. My sister refuses to help me in ANY way....even texted my mother saying "if something should happen to (Colleen...me), don't expect me to take care of you and dad. My life is here in (city she lives) with my friends (and now boyfriend). I am trying to find that peace but I'm really bitter towards her.
I understand feeling bitter. Siblings have different experiences with parents that result in whether or not they will be caregivers. I'm guessing your relationship with your parents was good or you feel a duty or responsibility to help. Find a way to set boundaries before you become overwhelmed.
going through this exact same thing right now,got a brother who likes to do nothing but call and run his mouth while he sits on the side lines.
Start asking him what he's willing to do every time he starts making suggestions.
he's a lost cause,he's the oldest and was very spoiled growing up,and is very condenscending,what is bothersome is my Mom calls me his name.@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert
It’s not even worth it to engage them because they will gaslight you and say you are the problem.
My brother lives only an hour away and he acts like he never lived here before
Some family members make better caregivers than others. Children who have better relationships with parents tend to be the ones who remain involved. The others -- not so much.
My sister is the same never. What a shitty people and I have found this out after 30 years of later that she’s pos
I’m caring for my 45 year old son who suffered a traumatic brain injury when he was 20. He is a Fall Risk. I’ve been caring for him since his injury, and now I’m 70. My daughter and her husband live in another state 5 hrs. from us. We see her on average 2 times each year for two days. I love my son dearly, but I’m exhausted, isolated, and have no life on my on. When I try to talk to her about needing some help, she’s vague and won’t commit. But she doesn’t say No. Just no actions. My son’s dad died from Alzheimer’s. We were divorced. There is no other family members.
Have you looked into group homes? What is your plan for his care after you pass away?
Her DAY is COMING! KARMA is REAL !
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert My son doesn’t want to live in a group home. He has been on the Arkansas Waiver List for over 5 years and his name has just come up for review help. We are still in the process and don’t know all the details. But we were told he could possibly live in his own small house and have 24 hour caregivers. So our plan is to build him a little cabin behind our home so that he could have his independence. At the moment, I don’t have another plan.
@@DonnaStephensChoate -We all do the best we can with our available options. It sounds like you have a partial plan. That's progress.
Praying for your situation Donna.
I came here because your videos came up in my feed. I am caring for my elderly parents,living with them. My mother is mentally ill and her meds stopped working. My dad can't walk much or do things. My brother is a RN with a lot of money and only shows up when he wants something or to cut the grass every so often. I have no relationship with him,he is selfish and condescending. I am burnt out and emotionally losing it. He thinks my mother should help herself.....he should know better as depression and mental illness doesn't work like that. Desperate right now.
Glad you found your way here. I have a free online program about caring for aging parents in webinar format that may be helpful for you. Here's the link: pameladwilson.com/support-caring-for-elderly-parents-overwhelmed-caregiver-support-online-course/ There is a lot of information on my website, here in over 800 videos, and in my podcast The Caring Generation which you can find on all of the music/podcast apps and on my website. I also have a Facebook online support group called The Caregiving Trap that you can join.
@@DarkestWolfe my God that's my life too selfish rn sister saying I'm the trouble when I have been here 8 months no help .it's crazy train Ozzy style I have found myself playing Linkin park break stuff ! My mom gets paranoid blames me for all kinds of shit ,I think this house is haunted sometimes up and down like a roller coaster . Hang in there your not alone !
My particular issue is my sisters live in California and make 5 times much as I do but they micromanage everything to ensure their inheritance. Vultures.
Ah, that is challenging. Can you stop allowing them to micromanage?
I am glad I came across your channel. So far several of your videos have been about exactly what I am experiencing being the sort of accidental caregiver for my domestic partner and having no one of her family or friends that is helping me with her. It's kind of a solace to watch your videos and read the comments and get a feeling of not being alone stuck in the quicksand of my partner's seemingly inevitable fate. There is a glimmer of hope for me in that she has been diagnosed with parathyroid disease and we're waiting for approval of surgical removal of her parathyroid. Parathryoid disease exactly mimics the deteriorating mental health symptoms she is experiencing. Anyway, thanks for helping me not feel so all alone being her caregiver.
Thanks for sharing. I am glad you found your way here. Parathyroid disease can be very disabling. Sending you positive thoughts for a speedy resolution and treatment.
Yep. Also, there are those "family members" who want to second guess or question to death what you are doing or why. Simple questions are fine but, you know what I mean. I appreciate your videos. Thank You, Ma'am.
I once asked my sister what do I do if something happens to mom who do I call because all the paperwork is there I said I know but I'm scared I just do I call an ambulance do I called her doctor she said Diana her will is over there in the drawer. I've been dwelling on this for about a week now during an argument she did say once I'm only doing this for the money😅😅😅
Okay, it makes sense except the person who's not going to help has to understand that probably every child in that family had to deal with the difficult parents. And they should not expect any inheritance.
If they wanted inheritance they can carry some of the load.
It's about helping out their siblings not the parents
Thanks for your comment. Receiving an inheritance should never be a motivating factor.
My counsellor says I am the main caregiver in my family cause I worked through my past enough that I can see the situation as it is and address it without a ton of baggage, unlike siblings and step sibling. There may be something to that, as hard as it is.
Parental abuse of children is a significant indicator of who will show up later to be the caregiver. I'm glad you were able to work through your issues. Not everyone can and even if they can, that doesn't mean they should take on the responsibility of being the caregiver.
This is a far deeper and longer conversation, than a brief video can represent actually. It’s not always simply a 2-dimensional dynamic, where one child is the responsible and the other is dirt. I’ll refer to my own situation and I will include the topic of narcissism as, this plays a HUGE part in these situations often, without anyone even knowing the term exists.
My situation was likely one where I was the golden child and my sister the scapegoat. I was the interested and present child, for over 30 years, while my sister was mostly absent, only participating when it was Thanksgiving, Christmas or she needed money or she needed to feed our mother a self improvement story, for needing money to go to some school.
But, after my stepfather died, my mother became increasingly abusive towards me. Once it got bad, I figured out what was going on (likely NPD), I began keeping my distance. My mother didn’t likely have dementia. She strategized and knew what she was doing. I do not take abuse. Not from a parent or anyone else. My mother decided to clobber me over the head, with giving my sister 1 of the two homes she owned. She basically let me know that whatever I’d done for her meant nothing. It was also a dynamic where the two of them had formed a bond. I’d have become the Cinderella of the family. Doing everything and receiving nothing, but a kick in the butt. I chose not to.
So, my mother died intestate. She’d never actually transferred the deed of the other house to my sister. Probably knew she wasn’t bright enough to know the difference anyway and she was just using my sister, the way she actually told me she’d always used me, which I brought to an end. My sister never knew what happened between my mother and I. Thinks like being phone stalked at work, having police sent to my door. I don’t allow that.
So now, there are irreconcilable differences between my sister and I. Someone on the outside, who doesn’t understand narcissism and might be an enabler, would say, “Just explain to your sister.” Problem is, my sister appears high on the narcissistic spectrum, as well. It’s too late in life. Even if we wind up living on the same street, we will no longer be related. I will, explicitly have in my Will, that she’s not to be left anything. Even the condition my mother’s house is in tells me that, had I stayed, I’d have had to do EVERYTHING, with my sister living 4 doors away, in a free home, while I remained in an apartment. So, I owed my mother nothing and I now owe my sister nothing.
Narcissistic personalities are very difficult to set boundaries with as your story explains. It sounds like you have reconciled your feelings about the situation and can move on with your life.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert yes, I became well-versed over the past 5 years. Add to it that, although I’d gotten permission from the court to change the lock on the door I’ll be receiving a house for, my sister expressed, to the court, that she did not like it. When I came with a broker, to have the property valued, I found that my sister had broken in and had the lock changed again, locking me out. The court was displeased, but I’d already let them know she does not recognize them. As she put money into the estate, that the court determined I was half responsible for and had to actually pay her (although I believe it yo be commingled funds with our mother), the court has, perhaps, had a new perspective on her feigned victimhood and deducted 1/4 of what I’m to pay her, likely in part, for the costs of the the 2 locks I’ve had to pay for and damage to the door. I only could not have her arrested, because I have not yet received the deed. However, should I find she’s been in there, once I’ve received it, I will ❤️ to have her removed, as a neighbor.
Toxic parents do not deserve the care or attention of their adult child, that is why not everyone should be allowed to have & raise children, too many stunted & childish adults are roaming the earth creating more problems!
I doubt your sister was the scapegoat. Scapegoats are often the empathetic ones with a highly developed sense of unfairness and right and wrong. She must have even been the forgotten child or another golden child. Quite likely that your father was the scapegoat and now it is you.
@@lastthingsministry more along the lines of this: ua-cam.com/video/YCACkSZJxaU/v-deo.htmlsi=0xrMZ3-Mvlv0VMfp
Different is, I didn’t become a narcissistic golden child. Narcissistic parents don’t actually live either child. They’re just pawns. Tools. To be triangulated against the mother, for the benefit of that parent. My stepfather? Classic narcissist. Author, speaker, but also a childlike, classic narcissist. I consider that, while my mother had narcissistic traits, for her entire life and I didn’t seem them, as the golden child, she became an absolutely malignant, covert narcissist, through the utter disappointment of marriage and life, in general. Me being the closest child, who did everything with her and many things for her, but also her confidante during her 3rd marriage, I became her primary target. But, having been a golden child, I was probably already wired and it was too late in life, for me to put up with any nonsense. So, she played the game, as in that video that Tom describes so well. Thing is, it was a miscalculation. Because I locked the door behind me. She’s now passed, I now own that door. My malignant narcissistic sister owns the door at the other house, although she tried her best to stop probate. It’s also possible she’s on her way to jail, due to stealing mom’s SS benefits.
One thing that I never hear people talk about is the narcissistic scapegoat. But, I think I know 2. My sister and someone else. Somehow people think that being a scapegoat absolutely equals empathy. Nooo. A scapegoat can be so enmeshed, so subscribed to believing in that parent, so waiting for the nod that, particularly when they look at the golden child, who’s being given everything and who may not at all know that there’s another side, because that parent is a different person to different people, they have no idea what awaits - if that parent decides to switch their children’s roles, as per their own convenience. The other narcissistic scapegoat that I know, has done whatever she could, to keep me attached to my family. This is not only because misery loves company and she doesn’t want to be alone, but because she comes from a culture that says, once you’re designated as the family latrine, you embrace and support it. I don’t come from that culture. So, it’s a moot point. But there are, indeed, narcissistic scapegoats, who are fully-invested in what I call the narcissistic system and they’re like chickens voting for the colonel.
Subscribing and sharing this. Your content is just what I need. I am one of the only men my age that cared for his mother ALONE. Had to beg for her money that her dad left her
Being the sole caregiver is challenging. I'm glad you were able to help your mom when she needed it most.
How about a sibling who is local but won’t help because it’s the daughters responsibility. He’s the son and it’s not his job. Grrrr
Many of these things go back to childhood relationships with parents or as you say, some men not thinking it's their job. You can't change other people only how you respond.
Same here
Yup I’m in the same boat! Three USELESS brothers that think because I am the youngest, a woman and no children then it equates to me automatically taking care of both very sick parents fulltime. Mind you I work full time, a very demanding job! The situation is a bottomless pit of anger, resentment, confusion, worry and despair!
It’s amazing Isn’t it when mum and dad is not well got dementia or other illnesses some deadbeat siblings are not around don’t care but once the parents of passed away you see how quick you see a quick they turn up for a pound note or dollar they are absolutely sickening scumbags but no shame I always believe in Karma
Family dynamics can be very upsetting, but to your point, Karma takes care of everything eventually. Thank you for being a caregiver.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert oh oh 100% loved my dad and mum beautiful parents I was so blessed never forget what they done for me as a kid growing up Took me everywhere also my mum was always involved in my sports boxing everything they made me who I am today RIP Mum and dad
@@joemorgan636 Those of us who had good parents are very fortunate indeed!
My elderly long widowed mother became enmeshed with my (1 year older) sister. They are besties, even causing my mom to sacrifice time and relationships with me and my other siblings until now ..years later . When she wants help as a constant martyr. She created it and my mother willingly and happily let her but now we are supposed to be there. Its tough.
All you can do is your best.
Can you help me? My dad is 81 and lives in California. I am 31 and lives in new Jersey with my two brothers. I am not in the financial situation to care for my father. I have alot of debt and trying to pay that off. I have asked him to move back here which would be easier because my brothers would be here but, he refuses to move to from California. I am more equipped to handle responsibilities here. I would probably be my dad's care giver because my brothers aren't fond of our dad. How can I start my life and build my financial situation and still care for him?
Hi- See my other response.
i have a sibling that does not help out with my mom whom has dementia. he visits her about 2 to 3 times a month. I have been caring for my mom for approx. 8 years now and we are at the point where I do all her bills and shopping and running and doctor appts. for the last 3 to 4 years. I do her laundry we cut her grass. Anything that is needed and last night my sibling informs me that mom is going to move in with him. This is not for her best interest and I dont know what to do. I do have power of attorney. Please help
Karen - If you have power of attorney for her you have the legal power to stop the move even if you have to get an attorney to make this happen. Feel free to schedule a consultation with me. pameladwilson.com/elder-care-consultant-aging-parent-consultation-managing-senior-care-needs-meet-with-pamela-d-wilson/
The Mom has taken advantage for 15 years and some ppl have spent the best yrs with them, however they have been taken advate of the eldest. The eldest is sick of them taken advantage, so they are not angry, just taking a step back!
Thanks for sharing.
It breaks my heart that my sister who loves my mom so much won't do anything to help. My parents won't badmouth her but it hurts them too. It hurts me the most. She'd rather be alone and upset than help with the parents. The worst part is knowing how lost my sister will be when my mom passes. In the end I lash out, and I seem like the unhinged one. She is a financial drain, but i would give her all the money if she showed up. The idea of getting it out in the open is a dream. I feel like she knows what she's doing isn't right and attacks if questioned
There could be a lot that you don't know about the situation and the relationship between your parents and your sister. When these type of issue happen it can be related to early life abuse in some form or another. Do your best to stay out of the middle between your parents and your sister and release any judgments you have about the situation. I know this can be extremely hard but you are not responsible for "fixing" the relationship problems of other people including your parents and your sister.
My brother and sister just do not care. We did not have a good childhood yet here I am caring for my 82 year old dad at my age of 64. I understand why my siblings aren't around. I think there must be something wrong with me to be the caregiver.
Not having good childhood relationships with parents is an indicator of whether children will be involved later in life. If you are their caregiver there is something tying you to them. Ask yourself what you want or need from the relationship or why you are there when your siblings are not and you may find the answer.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert my parents were teenagers when I was born. I’m the oldest of 3. I have worked through my issues. I’m tied to my parents because I have always taken care of my mom and siblings since my earliest memory.
Great video. Both my parents and in-laws are older so it's going to be an interesting ride as to what happens. Always complicated in every family.
Thanks for watching and commenting.
Familial obligation transforms into manipulative ABUSE when the parent mistreated the child & then the parent or sibling demands that they take care of them later in life, regardless. UNBELIEVABLE! A child does NOT ask to be born, it is NOT a Childs duty or job at any point in their life, to take care of their parents. If a parent treats his or her children well, than it will be the childs joy to spend time with the parent & later in life, maybe even help care for that parent. Any adult child forcing their adult sibling to take part in caring for the parent, is manipulating their siblings. Their is a reason they are disconnected from their parent & their parents care & that is their business & no one elses. You may agree with their choice, you may disagree with their choice, that is their right, but one person should NEVER manipulate another person into doing something. Professionals should be hired if an adult sibling chooses a path that doesn't align with the belief that a child is morally obligated to take care of the parent regardless of the childs experience with that parent. It's maladaptive thinking on the part of the abusive parent & the other sibling. Some adult children demand that their siblings give up their autonomy & that's just NOT OKAY. Your choice to take care of your parents is YOUR CHOICE, don't demand that your sibling forfeits their own choice for your comfort or the comfort of a parent that may or may not deserve their care or attention. You must respect your siblings choice. If a child lives in the basement forever it's because their parents did NOT equip them for life, a good example for why later in life, the child doesn't want to or is entirely incapable of taking care of the parent.
I agree everyone has a choice to be a caregiver or not especially if a relationships with an aging parent was abusive.
My neighbor has five adult sons..only 2 of them come by on a regular basis…two are twin brothers living 30 minutes away…it infuriates me..the other son does still work full time with travel..he does come by sporadically… it’s the two oldest boys who come by almost daily..they recently retired. The two twins who don’t come or call are why neighbor has a mortgage on her home and she is 94 now.
Thank you for sharing. Not everyone has perfect children. It's fortunate that she has two children who care for her.
2:14 - "How many of you have basement siblings?"
*frantically waves arm*
He's 38. Mom lives on peanut butter sandwiches to support him, and has since my parents divorced 20 years ago.
Unfortunately you mom, whether she realizes it or not created the situation by supporting him. This happens all the time.
Unfortunately I'm the sibling who lives far away. My mom passed away many years ago and now my dad is elderly and having health issues. I have two siblings who are still there but I just feel guilty. I'll go back to help if needed but I feel bad because I'm not there. I feel a little guilty because I've stayed away for my own mental health and well being.
Sonja - Just because you're not there doesn't mean you must feel guilty. Can you make supportive phone calls to your dad or your siblings?
Karma is yours due to pride. Oof.
For Soni.t: Guilt could be a sign of a remaining conscience. If you believe in God and the Next Life in your way, you might consider helping out the family and the hurting a lot more than what you’ve been doing. Guilt is a good thing-you may still have hope within you to give of yourself for family members who need you. Too many families have a few helpful people, and mostly selfish, narcissistic people.
God Almighty shall judge everyone, whether we want to believe this or not. Each person will suffer in his or her time-might as well heal and help those who are suffering more than us.
I have you subscribed thank God for your videos I can do relate thinking I'm going mad when they are abusing their power being elderly with gaslighting ! I have ulcers and break out in rashes from the stress . Soon I'm leaving to go back over seas where my husband is stationed I'm 60 in September and this has been a nightmare in hell 😢
Thank you for subscribing. Prioritize your health and wellbeing.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert yes I'm watching your videos I don't feel so alone your a angel 😇
@@Thetyedyegypsy Thank you!
Hi Pam
I suppose I would be what you would deem one of those deadbeat siblings. My dad died 13 years ago and he was the rock that held together an otherwise very toxic family. He once confided in me that he wish he’d never married my mother but then in another breath stayed with her for 25 years. Wasn’t close to my parents less so with my Mum who has been an utter pain in the rear end. She’s a complete narcissist. I cannot cope with life myself. I suppose it’s embarrassing as a 37 year old man I should be independent. I had a job until June of 2019 but just couldn’t cope with the toxic environment and incessant workload so I’ve been off sick every since. Tired of the rat race while my Mum doesn’t have to work because her mortgage is paid off and she has equity and my Dad’s pension. I told her to her face I won’t be caring for her in her old age and she basically turned it around on me like I was Lucifer Im himself and she just said victim style to my sister who was there ‘you’ll care for me won’t you’. If I genuinely felt love from her id feel differently but I’m not spending the rest of my life looking after her ass.
Hi - Not so sure you are a deadbeat sibling. It sounds like you have experiences that might result from your early life relationships with your parents - do a little research on ACES (adverse childhood experiences). If you weren't close to your parents this may be why you feel unattached. You don't say if you live with your mother or not. If you are independent it's easier if you distance yourself from the situation. If not make a plan to move out and live on your own. It's okay to set boundaries and let your mother know that you will not be her caregiver. Your sister can choose to be her caregiver or not.
2:52 what do i do if i’m the youngest and my older brother in his late 20s is happily aware that he takes advantage of my parents, my parents are also aware, but choose to not take action against it? my other brother who lives far had to sit down with everyone in the house because i wanted to live with him. i cannot put up with living in the same house as my brother because of his inability to clean up after himself, his awful sense of entitlement, and the constant atmosphere of walking on eggshells around him. i’ve spoken to a therapist for a year on the subject of the verbal abuse he had gave me during quarantine because he had no outlet to blow his steam out on. i don’t know what to do anymore because even though i’ve seen a therapist, my eldest brother spoke with my parents, and i’ve tried addressing the issue myself, the issue still hasn’t died down.
It sounds like your parents are enabling your older brother. Based on the information you provided it is unlikely this situation will change. If you can live with your older brother you may want to pursue this to protect your well-being.
5:10 if I were to say that to my mom or my mil, I can just hear it now, my sis would say I'm the biggest pos, and my sil, would probably say something similar. For now, I'm staying quiet and helping how I can but praying it won't be for long 🙏
You can stay quiet but this then makes other people believe you are okay with what's happening. Search for my video called "the power of words" that may be helpful.
What about the situation where the one female sibling of 4 children has, out of fear, moved Mom in with her and taken over her life and is demanding the 3 brothers help take her to doctors visits, have her stay with them insisting she needs 24/7 care although she gets around slowly but no falls, can bathe, cook and dress herself. Lots of unnecessary doctor visits being from Canada where it's free. Causing a lot of resentment in a close knit family. All built on the one childs fears. How is that boundary effectively stated ?
You may have given up your negotiating power by already taking mom to live with you. Your siblings may have no motivation to help. You could set a boundary saying you're moving her out to a nursing home or elsewhere and give a time frame to see if they will step up. If not and you move her out at least you have your life back and won't be resentful. I know it's complicated. .
Thank you for your reply. I'm helping my friend navigate this. She's actually capable of living at home alone and being checked in on and maybe installing cameras. I understand the brothers point of view since one day she really will need to constantly be cared for. They have her over and such but not doctor appointments. She's also paying herself a wage from her mother's funds. It's complicated for sure and hard when only one sibling thinks she needs this extreme amount of care and won't even leave her alone to run errands.
@@owensdonna46 If she is paying herself wages from her mother's funds this could be a problem unless there is a formal contract -- in the event her mother ever needs services from Medicaid.
I’m on the wrong video. I need the one that gets you help with a useless sibling living rent free, stealing their money, and is trying to essentially kill them. Where’s that video?
Here's a link to a few videos about "how to take care of the issue." It's a page on my website, scroll down to see the video links, there all her on UA-cam but this page organized them better. pameladwilson.com/how-to-get-guardianship-of-a-parent-obtain-legal-guardianship-online-course-pamela-d-wilson/
Pray you GET LEGAL help!
Have you ever thought of calling the authorities
There Are a lot of people here saying they were the family Scape goat... And then use by the family to provide care to the elderly parents.
Well, I too.Was the family scapegoat but I was asked to leave at 17... And I have been self contained every since....
My mother could afford assistant living.And when she was in good shape she would have enjoyed it... Now she's in bed shape and actually needs a nursing home...
My sister has been doing it for the last five years.... Because she didn't want the nursing home to take all of moms money.... But she wants my brother and I to help.
I've decided to walk away from my share of the inheritance because I have no desire. To be a caregiver...my brother has also done the same.
Thanks for sharing both sides of the story. Individuals have their motivations for doing what they do...or don't. It sounds like you are very practical and independent which is great!
Yes my sister won't help and she is a director of nursing ! Both parents have dementia it's exhausting
Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry to hear this. Your sister may be burned out from her work responsibilities. Is it possible to hire outside assistance?
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert the problem is I live in another country came here to help them and they are more concerned about money and who's gonna get what . My mom needs help reminding to take her medication and even hydrate , she goes hours no liquid burning herself out riding a riding mower won't let me help her o.c.d and dads is off the charts and dad is a alcoholic it's like crazy train "Ozzy Osbourne" type at my house dad is extremely racist former marine 7 the regiment here he is American Indian and screaming the n word 😡 the only thing I can do I now walk away ,leaving to go back overseas with my husband of 14 years ,covid 19 and vaccine injury is the result of this madness 😭.
@@Thetyedyegypsy, I am so sorry to hear this. There may be nothing you can do to change the situation. It sounds like you've done your best, and that's all you can do.
Every child has their own separate relationship w the parent. It’s not fair that you use the term deadbeat. There may be very strained relationship due to history. I don’t blame a scapegoat child for not wanting to help!!
I agree that each child has a separate relationship with the parent and may not wish to be the caregiver. If this is the case then transparency is the best case. There are many families where children refuse to help for unknown reasons. The same applies to elderly parents who may have mistreated their children and will never admit to the behaviors. These unknowns are the reasons that siblings who accept responsibility of becoming the primary caregiver are often angry and resentful. Each side is entitled to their feelings and the wording they use to frame the situation. You used the word scapegoat others use the word deadbeat. I'm sure there are many other descriptions used to describe less than ideal situations.
My main problem is mother and sisters always wanting money from me. I’ve given my mother and sisters money to start a business and help themselves but they’re always doing something else with the business money and coming back to ask me for money. I am tired and done with them. 🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️🤦🏿♂️
Once you begin a "habit" (like giving money) you have established an expectation with your family that you will always do this. Just say no!
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert Just told them I can no longer do that yesterday. They’ll be okay.
Good for you!
Will these techniques also work with adult children living in another state (we are A SECOND MARRIAGE both with two adult children each) who do not only NOT believe their father has cognitive decline and mobility issues they the only help they offer is to buy a Smartphone, connect us to a streaming program and send shoe appliances to walk on the ice....when what I need is physical help. When my 77-year-old husband had his first MRI and the physician though he was going to need brain surgery. I asked his daughter (who live 13 hours away in NC) if she would be able to come and help me out with her father IF he had to have surgery. She would not agree to come to Michigan because she might lose $250.00 in retirement money (yet she NEVER works in the summer months ti earn more.) Okay, I am now thinking differently because they don't come to Michigan, so they don't see him...as you said. I try to tell them the situation, but they DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!! If they did accept his decline, they would have to step up. So how do I get through to them?....and how do I get the help I need from them? I'm doner...When push comes to shove I am going to let them know, I wrote them out of our will because they refused the come to Michigan to visit all these years (his son has visited twice for one hour each time in the past 27 years) and they refused to help me when I asked for help. Karma is a bitch!
Adult children can be so busy with their lives that they don't want to help or if they haven't visited and seen the situation they may be oblivious to what you are experiencing. Unfortunately the level of caring or participation in caregiving by children relates a lot to the relationship they had with parents when they were young and then throughout their lives. So if contact has been minimal for many years I would not expect that they will help. My suggestions would be to look at other options to find help and support and not expect them to be helpful.
My single no kids sister has been caring for our mother for 12 years. I’ve raised 5 kids from 1975 to 2011 and then some grands. I nursed a spouse through colorectal cancer. I live in another state. I don’t feel guilty at all. I now visit 3x year . My younger sister is obsessed with caring for my mom. I’ve been here now for a month due to a recent health scare. I cannot get back home fast enough. Our mother is 94
You are fortunate that you have a sister who is dedicated to caring for your mother.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert I know. And I am grateful everyday. It makes me sad that she has no life outside of her dedication, but she has chosen this
@@conniekimble1782 Do whatever you can to support her and let her know she is appreciated.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert of course
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert So we brought mom home after 2 weeks in rehab. She is now refusing to do any exercise, to work to get stronger. I have to leave in 9 days. Now what????
get a living trust for all older parents before they lose their congnitve health. or maybe even a irrevocable trust so those parents that have dimentia cannot be fooled by bad siblings or outsiders who are crooks
Legal planning for healthcare needs is important for everyone of all ages especially persons with dementia.
I never cared whether my siblings helped or not...i dont think people should be obligated to help.
That's a great attitude and belief system to have.
The "basement sibling" in our family is autistic
There are solutions for persons on the spectrum to live independently. Your parents are going to die someday, what's their plan then?
It’s not the siblings fault the parents couldn’t plan ahead
J F - you are correct. Many times individuals don't realize the importance of planning because no one likes to think about becoming sick or needing care.
In the case of mine, the subject was so taboo because talking about it means you were ready to die. But when they got to the stage where dementia set in, then it’s nearly impossible to get them to discuss plans intelligently.
This was good
Thank you!
There is no hope other than the next shut-downs, more asphalt, more hate and judgmental bigotry from relatives that never get involved or bother to visit, just begging my mom to wear a diaper, constant changing her sheets, and that's it,... I cant wait to get out of here, especially the isolating h3ll of the lame cruelty from folks that are from the Denver area...
Hoping that family members will step up to provide care is not a plan. If you are the caregiver and unhappy with the current situation, which it sounds like you are, maybe it's time to create an exit plan. ua-cam.com/video/ccYT8RE2Daw/v-deo.html
Thank you for hitting me back...@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert Yes, but the worst part is living in the USA you cannt just "do something", it is about being a sail ship w/out a breeze stuck wading and waiting for the right conditions to finally afford me a job to save money, which I just did, and now I am waiting on a job to leave this h3ll holed, the entire Denver area is like awful, it is like the people here have been bred to breed "act!v sh--ters" here. The worse part of the USA is the torture here of living through this while no one cares, no one responds to requests for help, doctors and hospitals just the bare minimum, while no one vouches for me, no one helps -g0d awful experience, I lost three and half years thanks to the pandemic and being stuck in the middle of no where... there really is no hope at this point, life is just the setback of getting out of here, then waiting for the next wave of shut-downs -you dont know now in the USA what is going on, will the next shutdowns be in ten years, five? It is awful here knowing all the money I save will only go to living off it to try to get through the next shutdowns due to a pandemic or some thing like radiation exposure levels or something... Awful... Last few years I will have spent with my mom will be this stress and loneliness,...
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Thank you!
Hahaha what about when it's your cousins 😄 I have helped with my grandparents much more than most of my cousins and are the one who checks in almost daily. I decided to live closer to them. And I'm peace with that. But now the cousins and their parents are expecting more help from me with an elder relative that they are much closer to. And I think it's my turn to be the deadbeat cousin for once. 😅
Definitely do not take that on. Let them face the beauty and reality of caring for someone themselves.
Probably not the best advice,but I punched mine in the throat.
Walking away and setting strong boundaries is a better alternative to physical violence. Don't allow your emotions to make you an "abuser."
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert lol, I should’ve put JK at the end.