How Caregivers Destroy Friendships and Family Relationships | How to Maintain Healthy Relationships
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- Опубліковано 5 вер 2024
- Learning how caregivers destroy friendships and family relationships before this happens can help avoid regrets, missteps, and guilt about things said or done. Learn why being in a relationship is a choice that takes effort, work, and attention from caregiving expert, Pamela D Wilson.
Burning bridges that destroy friendships and family relationships can happen when caregivers become frustrated and focus on the short term instead of the long view of life.
It can be easy to say or do things that permanently destroy friendships and family relationships. Learn how to manage the emotional stress of caregiving while preserving important friendships and family relationships by maintaining healthy relationships.
Learn about Pamela D Wilson, her background, and her experience: pameladwilson....
For more caregiving, aging, and elder care tips, visit Pamela's website at www.PamelaDWilson.com
Schedule a 1:1 Consultation with Pamela pameladwilson....
Request to Join Pamela's Online Caregiver Support Group on Facebook / thecaregivingtrap
Are you caring for aging parents or yourself? Learn the details of caring for loved ones in Pamela's Online Caregiver Support Program, "Support Caring for Aging Parents." pameladwilson....
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Pamela's online caregiver webinar program, Power of Attorney, offers the details and information caregivers and those appointing an agent must know. pameladwilson....
Are you wondering if you should be a guardian for a loved one? Do you understand the legal responsibilities of being a guardian? Learn about the guardianship process in Pamela's online caregiver education program, How to Get Guardianship pameladwilson....
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I respectfully disagree with this. I have been my mom’s caregiver for 5+ years, 24/7. I have three siblings who I have talked with, begged, pleaded, cried for just a break once in awhile so that I can breathe. They refuse, saying they’re going to live their lives. Yes I get bitter, resentful and angry because there are four of us and three refuse to help. We live in a rural area where there are very limited resources and expensive. I don’t ask for vacations, just a day once a month as you can’t pour from an empty cup though are physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I keep them up to date on all medical appointments and changes and get a simple response of thanks. My support leader as well as mom’s doctor have had a zoom meeting with them telling them if they don’t start helping, mom will outlive me. Still, nothing…so I’m told pretend you’re an only child.
It sounds like you have a high level of commitment to care for your mother and go above and beyond. While this is admirable it seems like the effects of doing so are having a negative effect on your life. If you want the situation to change it also sounds like you're the one who will have to make the change because your siblings won't step up. My recommendation would be to stop expecting others to step in and make other plans so that your mom can receive care and you can be happy.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert thank you. I’ve stopped having expectations of them after 5 years of trying but how do you make plans so that mom can be cared for and I can get a break once in awhile, not to take a vacation but simply to relax and breathe? We don’t have respite care, adult daycare nor can we afford to hire caregivers. I am very much open to suggestions. I know several others in my support group that are in very similar situations
@@debby891 - My first suggestion is to seek volunteers. I have done this for my clients who lived in very rural areas. Churches and businesses that support their employees in volunteer activities may offer the support you need. I have a support group on Facebook that you're also welcome to join. It's called The Caregiving Trap.
your siblings have taken the easy way out and have just refused to help out. This is the time you start asking for help yourself from social services, and local social care services, or consider a care home/ nursing home. It only changes when you do something about it, and don't expect your siblings to help out. There are options available, but no one will tell you about those options for as long as you appear to be coping. 5 years care 24/7 is a very long time.
How can you “disagree” with the experiences/feelings of other caregivers?
I went through hell taking care of a parent. I was diagnosed with PTSD on a military scale. Never again.
Thanks for sharing. Caregiving is not an easy road.
Same!!!
I have to disagree with this I couldn’t listen to the video in full the title is offsetting enough. I cared for my mother, although it be in LTC I was an advocate for her medical and any other issues for 6 1/2 years with no help from family. Not only did I not get their help, I received their vacation pictures sent to me on my phone depicting what a wonderful time they’re having while I’m doing all this. Once mom passed there they were standing in line for their money. They also wanted me to pay them back for a car that my mother gave me that I did share a part of the proceeds with them but apparently not enough. I spent tens of thousands of my husbands and my money, missed work and gas, etc. in order to care for my mother. It is not the caregiver doing this. It is a family members who don’t care. They don’t care about the caregiver. Is that somebody you want your life anyway? I say absolutely not.
Forgive them, go no contact, live your life well, don’t change your loving heart and continue to serve others who appreciate it. Carry on faithful servants.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Ditto with my siblings. They are always there for the free stuff or money from my mom but do nothing for her, don't visit, don't call, etc. My mom is narcissistic and it is extremely stressful. If it gets much worse I will put her in a home. In the meantime her demands never cease. When her friend is visiting I suddenly do not exist for her and what a relief!
There is a need for a class for nonconfrontational people to learn how to confront or hold others accountable for their wrong or harmful behaviors or actions. Im in a group of nonconfronters now and we all need to tell one person in a direct way that their behavior has been disrespectful and hurtful and it needs to stop. We all feel it is an ugly thing to have to confront someone but it will have to be done to stop the “bullying”. Its hard when you are people who dont want to seem rude hurtful to others so you never hold the others accountable and just lump it and stay the doormat which that person would NEVER do. Yikes
Learning how to set boundaries is an important component of relationship equality. It is not anyone's job to hold others accountable in general relationships - it is for us to hold ourselves accountable for making our needs known and not feeling guilty.
I am a caregiver for my husband with terminal cancer. Chemo and radiation are no longer part of the treatment. I am lucky to be able to work from home and I have to say, I got my mental support through my virtual co-workers. They are always there to talk too and understand how stressful my life is. My husband family's lives close by, but they do not offer any help on helping me care for my husband, home, farm, etc. My family live too far away to come help me. I do keep a good relationship with our family, but my co-workers are more caring and willing to let me share my emotions with them, thank God for good friends that truly care about you.
Friends can be a huge support and are often better than family who doesn't understand. I'm glad you have a support network this helps a lot with all of the mental anguish and stress caregivers experience.
Caregivers are under chronic stress. My friends keep me sane.
So glad that you have a support system in your friends. It's so important.
Thanks Pamela
For some wise input;
- so true, the world is just 2 people now.
- Caregiving is a 24/7 gig and it helps to put perspective in the long term positive relationships.
- Work, ideas, Relationships all been affected;
- Appreciate you taking time to provide support to the forgotten family caregiver - while also providing scope and environmental factors.
Thank you for commenting. Family caregivers are the invisible warriors who support families.
I am now post caregiving... I was lone caregiver for both my parents for around a decade..both with dementia.. with very little help from any family. The title of this video bothers me.. so I haven't watched it.. blame the caregiver for family relationships? My siblings were pretty much non existent ... until my Dad passed.. then they came buzzing around thinking they were going to inherit something (even tho Mom still alive at the time). I cared for them in various degrees.. first at their home, then at my home, then in a senior apartment with caregivers, then they both moved to memory care. Memory care offered some relief in the day to day but I never knew when I would get that phone call...one of them is sick or fell or taken to the ER or fighting with another resident...etc. Then there is the worry of money and how long it will hold out. Volunteers? Hmmmm.. yea....ok. It's hard enough to find paid caregivers....it's a hard and sometimes very unpleasant job.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Excellent video. Reminds me of someone I know who just a week ago when he died, was a caregiver to a dear friend. She has been a caregiver with 3 members of her family. Try to reach out and help her but she claims God has given her this gift. She always looked burnt out and doesn’t take to help offers very well😞
Thanks for sharing. Some caregivers can't stop themselves and eventually they wear out.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert I’ve just found your podcast channel on PodBean. I shall be following along. Thanks for all the resources you have🌺♥️
@@vanessap7209 so glad you found my channel. I hope the resources are helpful.
My situation is a bit different. I'm one of a caregiver's best friends. She's taking care of her husband with Parkinson's. She's an incredibly organized and effective advocate for his condition. He's getting into the latter stages and she manages everything. This has made her bitter, cruel at times in small, petty ways; lacking in compassion for people with money or work problems who aren't the amazing manager she is. My role as her friend is to "be a distraction" (her words) when she needs space from caregiving. This basically involves my negating myself, my life, my existence. We eat where she wants. We go where she wants, we do what she wants (and she'll pay for everything though!) and my attemps to be considered are kinda ignored. It's nearly 50 years we've been friends but I can't seem to put a foot right now. I've got her talking about it but she tells me my attemps are highly stressful for her and conflict is the last thing she needs. I no longer see a place for me in her life. Maybe you could address this - friends of caregivers being simply a tool for the caregiver to vomit their negativity on. Thank you.
Hi- Yes I can address this in a video. Because she feels she lacks control in the situation of caring for her husband you are the one who allows or gives her control over the things that she wants to do because you are the companion or friend who goes along with what she wants to do. The friendship is no longer 50/50, just as her caregiving situation is no longer 50/50. Caregiving is stressful and unless she decides to hire or find help for herself she will continue to do everything herself (her choice). Until she chooses to help herself she will not be in a mental space to deal with anything else including considering the things you want to think her about. So you have a choice, you can remain friends and limit your contact with her until she is done with caregiving or find a middle ground somewhere by setting a boundary to return the relationship to a more balanced state. The question to ask is do you BOTH want to walk away from a 50 year friendship. She may not be in a place due to the restrictions of care responsibilities to choose friendship over caring for her husband at this time.
@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert I REALLY appreciate your taking time to respond to my situation and you have made things SO much clearer in my mind. You summarized exactly what I experience. Yes, a video on this topic would be great - I can't be the only one. My choice - which she did not accept - was a friendship time out. I may just impose it. She is not currently in a place to see anything outside of her obligation and pain, and I feel almost disliked by her for not being in her situation (she empathizes with other Parkinson's caregivers who "understand" (I don't, of course...).
@@maurjoy4104 - It's my pleasure. Thank you for asking and for the feedback. I will do a video on this very soon.
Being in a similar place as her all I can say is I am so grateful to my friends who hung in with me when I had nothing to give them. This can be a path you don't really understand if you haven't walked it. There is so much guilt about not being able to change things for the sick person , facing helplessness and what you give is never enough. Expect anger, negativity,pity party's. Now is when you can show the friend you are.
This just happened to me! Happy I found this content!!
Glad you found your way here too!
Thank you for posting this channel. I had a hard time finding some information on relationships and caregiving. I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend who is a caregiver and I have been supporting him since. My parents and I decided to support my partner with his caregiving at home. It has been hard and not easy because it feels as if life is on hold. However, I feel my boyfriend is worth all the love and support we give him.
Thank you for sharing. Your boyfriend is very fortunate to have you and your family. I understand the feeling of life being on hold because of the uncertainty of not knowing what is going to happen. Do your best to control and plan for what you can.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert thank you for saying that. Probably one of the better advices I have heard. I will continue following your channel because it’s one of the only channels that focuses this important matter.
@@JustineCarissa - Thank you so much!
Does anybody have some recommendation about having a talk to my mom about going to a nursing home. I have been taking care of my mom for almost 2 years but I cannot anymore. My siblings are making things imposible for me and my anxiety is getting worse. I know she won't want to go but I just can't anymore. Any suggestions for what I can say.
Hi- Thanks for asking the question. Here is a link to my online caregiver program. pameladwilson.com/support-caring-for-elderly-parents-overwhelmed-caregiver-support-online-course/ The most relevant sections to answer your question are: Modules 1,2, 7. Make the discussion about you and what you can and can no longer do and investigate places for your mom to go that have availability, ask her to choose where she wants to go as you can no longer be the caregiver.
This so hit home 😓♥️💯 Thank you Pamela!🙏
Leticia - you are welcome!
My mom had a stroke a year ago, and my partner told me I've been a real curmudgeon. I remember thinking two things, they are right, and being incredibly hurt as to why they couldn't see the reasons for it. Sometimes the signals get all messed up
It can be impossible for a person who is not a caregiver to understand the experiences of a caregiver. One day when your partner is a caregiver they will understand.
Can you talk about paid caregivers alienate the friends and family of the person needing care. My dads “assistant is alienating his family. She talks bad about us and harangues him. It’s bizarre. He is a weak minded man who is pretty ill right now. She makes it very problematic and uncomfortable for everyone. She calls himself his daughter. He is her only source of income. She is living in his $3500 a month rental for free.
His wife hates the woman but the likes the woman’s parents who have also moved in to “caretake”.
I'd report this immediately to adult protective services, to the police, or to an elder law attorney. This is elder abuse at its worst of an elderly person. Yes I will do a video on this topic. Thank you for asking.
Being the parentified child I have lost many friends, had to part ways because of this.
I understand, it's very hard. I hope you can find your way through all of this.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert thank you
@@Heyokasireniei468sxso You are welcome.
Hugs, I totally understand. I’m blessed with awesome friends though we are all up there in age and they have families of their own. For me, it’s the siblings that I don’t care if I ever see them again
You are so smart
I'm going to start asking myself what would Pamela D Wilson do
Mark - thank you. So appreciated. I do my best to consider all sides of each situation.
You're amazing❤️
Thank you!
I was a garegiver for my mom for over a year before she passed never lost a Friend !!
The longer one is a caregiver and the more time devoted, for example, being a caregiver 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, the caregiver becomes isolated because they can't leave a loved one alone. They give up social lives and friends. You were fortunate to be a caregiver for only a short time and not have to experience these effects.
Good video!
Glad you enjoyed it
Blame the victim. Nice.
Caregivers are only victims if they choose to be.
Funny how those so called caregiver "victims" feel entitled to abuse, alienate, and utterly rob other loving and wanting to be involved family members, and ensure they and only they feel entitled and work so on the parents feeble states to insure only they get all the parents assets, making their so called "care" a coerced and transactional financial arrangement, while helping themselves to everything the parent has present and future including the parents limited time on earth and often these siblings excell at gatekeeping the parent from other family members, who really care as much minus the greed, but are tired of an equal sibling abusing them for their efforts. These ostracised siblings do not show up at the end expecting anything but final confirmation that the self entitled caregiver HAS or IS indeed self entitled and is taking all, right down to the smallest trinket, and including any item other sibling actually own but may have been stored of left at the parents home, like their elementary report cards or graduations caps, scrapbook etc. as caregiver is insistant on taking ever scrap big or small assets or just stuff the parent ever had for themselves. Seeing this greed by the caregiver play out as they expected it would, allows the "shut out" sibling to grieve and move on, from the painful abuse of their "victimized", but now richer manipulative and openly greedy abusive caregiving farce of their once sibling. Those same "victimized" caregivers, are major whiners when the ostracized real victims dont show up to help pack up their childhood and lifetime things in the dead parents home or show up to once again have the caregivers greed rubbed in their face, while these left out of the parents inner circle by design of the caregiver other siblings are grieving the loss of not just a parent but a grandparent and a once loved sibling and all their lifetime memories trashed by manipulative and greedy and incompetent me me ond only me caregiver former sibling. I can only pray for ease of my parents end days isolation and suffering now has ended and that the greedy, whiney and entitled "caregivers" get exactly what they deserve in the afterlife.
I apologize but i have to disagree with you from a caretakers point of view~! Good for you for stating your opinion though!!!
Thanks for your comment. There are as many people who disagree with me as agree with me. There are always two sides to every story.
Uhmmm ouch 🤕 but thanks 😊
You are welcome. Thanks for the comment.
NURSING HOME
Sometimes.
@@PamelaDWilsonCaregivingExpert Not everyone can go without sleep, 24/7 is fatal for the caregiver, usually woman. NURSING HOME
@@AR-td7cn - There are many reasons loved ones have to be placed into nursing home care including a lack of sleep for the caregiver.