To book a 1:1 coaching session with Mark, click here: www.notdefining.com/coaching-info. Text chat with Mark and join group sessions at patreon.com/notdefining. For more videos click the JOIN button.
So true Mark! Labels are tools for for better communication in order to connect with someone. Humans are complex beings and are valid just the way they are. We must eliminate using words like should, must, supposed to when considering about our orientation and focus more on embracing our diverse qualities and attractions. Oftentimes, conversations about sexuality usually boils down to romantic and/or sexual attractions which leads to lack of inclusivity. You precisely conveyed about the truth and thank you very much for guiding us and building this amazing community. Looking forward to more such content, keep it up!
Oh my gosh Kuldeep thank you so much for your lovely supportive words. You speak so finely on these subjects and I’m honoured and pleased to have you as part of our community. Thank you for supporting the platform and confronting your perspectives. Lots of people read the comments and gain encouragement from hearing that they’re not alone. Hoping you’re doing super well and sending you loads of love x
@@notdefining I’ve been going through some disorientation with my sexuality and it’s been confusing and, quite frankly, a little scary, but your video really helped me. Thanks man. Your videos make a difference. P.S: It’s really awesome how you’ve take time to write each reply, the English nerd in me totally geeked out with all the fancy adjectives.
@@handandpaper8717 Hey thank you so much for this incredibly kind comment. I appreciate it so much. I'm delighted that you have been able to draw assurance from the videos. This is precisely why I make them and you are so warmly welcome any time. Don't hesitate to let me know if we can give you any additional support. Always here to help. I write replies because those are the best bits! I get to hear all about different people's experiences and help people out along the way. My experiences are only that of one person, so the comments really add to the channel as a whole. Lots of people read them and have the chance to see a diversity of experiences. I'm also glad that my English is okay! Haha. Sometimes I write quite quickly and don't get to check it over. So glad it's understandable! haha. Sending so much love to you and big hugs from Mark x
So, I’ve been binge watching your videos all day and some other days this week. I have to say I think this is my favorite one because it really reflects my headspace right now. Watching your videos I’ve been working to just educate myself on a lot of these labels and concepts. But everything boils down to just doing what I feel like I want to do and being free in that. Everything boils down to, just stop restricting yourself and see what comes natural to you! Rather than trying to rack my brain, and figure out which of these labels to apply to myself, I just decided to walk out into the world and be my authentic self and however that manifests, we will see. But I’m excited about it and you’re so right that there is a power that comes from choosing to just walk in your authentic thoughts and feelings, and even just physical reactions to everything. I’ve been going through a lot of transitions in myself since the pandemic put all of us inside with so much extra time to think and it has been quite an awakening. Before the pandemic I was a straight Christian woman, and now I feel like I’ve become an Atheist Demisexual possibly pansexual woman. And I still have some research and learning and experiencing of things to do but goddamn if I’m not just so excited! And I’m glad to have found your channel. Your words and shared experiences and knowledge have been so helpful, so thank you. And watching your videos, I also just wish so many good things for you! I get a sense that you’re a very genuinely kind and thoughtful person and it doesn’t hurt that you’re easy on the ears and eyes 😅 I just think you deserve so much, so all the best to you!
Thank you so much! I was so afraid of clicking on your video because I wanted to avoid my HOCD's need for a definitive answer. At the end you gave me this wonderful insight of not taking labels that seriously. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your content! You do an amazing job reminding us, your fellow human beings, that it's completely normal to feel like you're not fitting in any term you happened to come across! For me personally it's still a struggle to overcome the idea of me being stupid, because of my inability to actually understand and differentiate between various forms of attraction, which leads to unability to choose a specific label and stick with it. So it's really nice to receive a gentle reminder that I'm not the only one who has to deal with these kind of thoughts!
Hey thank you so so much for this lovely comment I really appreciate it. You are absolutely valid and normal for not having a defined orientation. Neither do I! I’m so pleased this video was helpful for you. If you haven’t already please subscribe as I will be making lots more related content. Do you have any labels you like to use or do you just leave it open? I’m so pleased that we have connected as we feel like family!!! 😭😍☀️🌈 sending so much love to you and thanks again for reaching out.
I'm so joyful I made you feel good by writing my comment! Thanks for your support and validation! In terms of labels, I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum. However, I'm uncertain of where exactly I belong inside the asexual community. The thing is: I get incredibly confused trying to sort out my own experiences, so it's hard to understand whether I''ve felt sexual attraction or not. In addition to that, I'm only 19, so I could be a late bloomer. And I know there is nothing wrong with me either way. But for some reason, thinking about these things gives me a lot of anxiety and I feel extremely guilty and ashamed for being this way, even though there is nothing to be ashamed of. It's really weird, but I believe I'll get through this. It's all gonna be great eventually! Thank you!
Hey I’m so glad to meet another wonderful ace-spec person. I am so close to my ace-aro family because we experience many similar challenges. I also identify a lot with demi, fray, grey and akiosexuality in different ways. You are so valid and I’m delighted to hear your experiences. Every time someone comments it brings a richness to this platform and people read it and connect. It’s why I do it and I love that you have taken the time. It really means a lot. Also the more comments means the more boost UA-cam gives to my videos and the more people we can reach. So thanks. If you haven’t already checked out Yasmin Benoit I would recommend. Also check out my Instagram highlights under “key information” for details of ace groups if you’re interested. Getting to know that there are so many people like you can be validating and seeing all the different varieties. You’re not a late bloomer. You’re blooming now. You are who you are and that’s perfect right now. The challenge is believing that you are valid enough to express that to others. For example if you enjoy someone’s presence but not keen on sexual contact, getting used to communicating that confidently and without shame is the key. Also accepting that sometimes you might like sexual contact as well, and that it doesn’t have to make sense or be the same all the time. You are a living breathing human being with so many great qualities to give. Connect with your authentic natural bodily feelings and express it without apology. Authenticity is the strongest and most attractive quality in anyone. So you’re going to be just fine. Sending so much love from Mark @notdefining x
I've been crossdressing all my life, and now wanting to spend more time presenting female and have the courage to go out. I'm in the closet sadly as it's not approved of. To add more complexity I'm also questioning.
This is a difficult concept for me right now. . I have to do some thinking on it. . As you know, people like to check off boxes about themselves, and others. . I realized we are very black and white. . Male? Female? White? Black? Brown? Straight? Gay? . So what do we do if we meet someone who is neither straight or gay? Someone who is not black or white or brown? Maybe a mix? Doesn't identify as male or female? For me, its difficult to comprehend. And that is partly due to being raised where there were absolutes. You were either male or female. There was no other choices. I was told bisexualities didn't exist. We were either gay or straight. Of course, we know all of this is just labels. So I am learning to not label myself, or others. . . Things i have not thought about until I saw this video. Thank you!
Hey thanks again for sharing your thoughts. I totally relate. The co hosts of my podcast are non binary and we often accidently de-gender each other. They do it too. It's engrained so it takes some unlearning. But we teach kids algebra and geometry so it's perfectly doable! I tend to think that the binary heteronormative world is actually very complicated and being nonbinary and bi is actually much simpler. You're just a human who likes humans. End of. But yeah, I'm so glad the content is provoking thought. That's what it's all about. I'm so happy to have your comments and perspectives on the page as this is why I do it. People will relate and connect. Sending much love to you my friend, Mark x
Oh my gosh thank YOU so much for saying. I'm thrilled that you liked it. If you have the ability to share any of my videos I would be so grateful. Otherwise I'm just so glad that you're here and can't wait to share more content with you. Please keep commenting and sharing your views as I appreciate it so much. Keeps me going. Sending lots of love to you x
Mark, I have a question. There are still lots of people who want to believe in the binary existence (whatever their reasons). I generally have no problem if they want to exist that way. But the problem happens when non-binary existence is questioned by those who believe in the binary existence and then control/mistreat those who are different. I struggle with whether I should try to tell them that they are wrong or just leave them alone in their ways as long as they are ok with non-binary existence? What are your thoughts about this? And this was an excellent video. I myself don't like labels...but it's a challenge to get out of the label thinking despite questioning it all my life because the world is still very very gendered!
Hey thank you so much for your kind words and for your excellent question. It's one that I've grappled with for a long time. If you haven't done so already, check out 2 of my videos "how to deal with LGBTphobia" and "how to deal with homophobic families". In these videos I answer exactly that question you have asked. Post me a comment in those videos and let me know what you think of the methods I describe. Other than that, the short answer is, do what feels right to your nervous system. If you feel like you'd like to discuss it with them and they're kind of willing to listen and maybe learn, and if you have the energy, then by all means explain it to them. I don't agree with people who say "you can't convince anyone, don't even bother" - I have actually had great conversations with a lot of people and they've come round to things so it's good. HOWEVER...if you don't feel like it you do NOT have to engage. It can be exhausting to educate people, particularly if they aren't really bothered about learning. A simple "OK, well you're entitled to that opinion" can work wonders. Some replies I sometimes use: "OK, I don't agree but that's cool". "Well, this is what it is for me so..." "It's just the way I am so..." "I'm not sure we're going to see eye to eye on this so let's just agree to disagree" "This conversation isn't really fun for me so shall we talk about something else. Anyway, been up to much lately....?" What do you think? The key really for me is to follow your gut. Follow your own body. If it feels uncomfortable just end the conversation. People want a "debate" and it's not really for us to debate our existence so you don't have to. Have you had a lot of these conversations? How have they gone for you? How are you feeling about it? It can be frustrating can't it? Sending you loads of love and thanks again for supporting the channel and subscribing x
@@notdefining Thank you for that detailed comment, Mark. Right now, I stay in spaces (and with people) where I feel safe so I haven't had any conversations with anyone. I am preparing in case I have to...so your comment is really helpful. Also, I am definitely going to try the exercise you suggested.
@@AA-vq7ed Hey that's great, both that you're keeping with fab people who aren't horrid, and also that the advice was useful. If you ever have difficult conversations you can always come and chat it out here and we'll all give you a hand. You have a big community behind you and we've all got your back! Wishing you all the very best and thanks again for sharing this important question. Much love, from Mark x
@@notdefining I had this conversation with my therapist recently, as I'm experiencing exhaustion in having to explain diversity to even curious and open-minded people. I'm in a phase where I can only think "whatever" when they express their opinion. I'd like to have more patience, but right now cultivating relationships with my community is more pressing. I'm sure in the future I will regain the willingness to explain.
@@martinasardocardalano9077 Martina, you don't need patience. You don't need to explain. You don't owe anybody anything. You are feeling exhaustion because you are not letting yourself be the true version of who you are and letting that shine every day - despite whatever ignorant people say. Say it once. Say it clearly. Love yourself. Then if people are criticising you just be like "ok, well this is me, so anyway". DO NOT let anyone make you exhausted by explaining it. There is nothing to explain. What about this... "I like people". Is that difficult to explain? No. Sorry, another rant over. I know how it feels. I used to try and explain it to people too. You want them so bad to understand and accept you but they will. Just shine as you. I have a video on "how to deal with homophobic families" where I explain this concept of how to really own your identity even when people are invalidating or not getting it. Check it out and let me know what you think. I've got your back. Let me at these people and we can "explain" some things to them together! Go team! Sending so much love. You're amazing. x
How can one find certainty when they struggle a lot with OCD? I’ve been suffering from SO-OCD and TOCD themes for the past few years and it’s led me to feel completely disconnected from my sense of self.
To book a 1:1 coaching session with Mark, click here: www.notdefining.com/coaching-info.
Text chat with Mark and join group sessions at patreon.com/notdefining.
For more videos click the JOIN button.
So true Mark! Labels are tools for for better communication in order to connect with someone. Humans are complex beings and are valid just the way they are. We must eliminate using words like should, must, supposed to when considering about our orientation and focus more on embracing our diverse qualities and attractions. Oftentimes, conversations about sexuality usually boils down to romantic and/or sexual attractions which leads to lack of inclusivity. You precisely conveyed about the truth and thank you very much for guiding us and building this amazing community. Looking forward to more such content, keep it up!
Oh my gosh Kuldeep thank you so much for your lovely supportive words. You speak so finely on these subjects and I’m honoured and pleased to have you as part of our community. Thank you for supporting the platform and confronting your perspectives. Lots of people read the comments and gain encouragement from hearing that they’re not alone. Hoping you’re doing super well and sending you loads of love x
@@notdefining I’ve been going through some disorientation with my sexuality and it’s been confusing and, quite frankly, a little scary, but your video really helped me. Thanks man. Your videos make a difference.
P.S: It’s really awesome how you’ve take time to write each reply, the English nerd in me totally geeked out with all the fancy adjectives.
@@handandpaper8717 Hey thank you so much for this incredibly kind comment. I appreciate it so much. I'm delighted that you have been able to draw assurance from the videos. This is precisely why I make them and you are so warmly welcome any time. Don't hesitate to let me know if we can give you any additional support. Always here to help.
I write replies because those are the best bits! I get to hear all about different people's experiences and help people out along the way. My experiences are only that of one person, so the comments really add to the channel as a whole. Lots of people read them and have the chance to see a diversity of experiences.
I'm also glad that my English is okay! Haha. Sometimes I write quite quickly and don't get to check it over. So glad it's understandable! haha.
Sending so much love to you and big hugs from Mark x
So, I’ve been binge watching your videos all day and some other days this week. I have to say I think this is my favorite one because it really reflects my headspace right now. Watching your videos I’ve been working to just educate myself on a lot of these labels and concepts. But everything boils down to just doing what I feel like I want to do and being free in that. Everything boils down to, just stop restricting yourself and see what comes natural to you! Rather than trying to rack my brain, and figure out which of these labels to apply to myself, I just decided to walk out into the world and be my authentic self and however that manifests, we will see. But I’m excited about it and you’re so right that there is a power that comes from choosing to just walk in your authentic thoughts and feelings, and even just physical reactions to everything. I’ve been going through a lot of transitions in myself since the pandemic put all of us inside with so much extra time to think and it has been quite an awakening. Before the pandemic I was a straight Christian woman, and now I feel like I’ve become an Atheist Demisexual possibly pansexual woman. And I still have some research and learning and experiencing of things to do but goddamn if I’m not just so excited! And I’m glad to have found your channel. Your words and shared experiences and knowledge have been so helpful, so thank you. And watching your videos, I also just wish so many good things for you! I get a sense that you’re a very genuinely kind and thoughtful person and it doesn’t hurt that you’re easy on the ears and eyes 😅 I just think you deserve so much, so all the best to you!
This has genuinely made my day. Thank you. I am so glad you are here. Sending so much love your way 🩷🩷🩷
Thank you so much! I was so afraid of clicking on your video because I wanted to avoid my HOCD's need for a definitive answer. At the end you gave me this wonderful insight of not taking labels that seriously. Thank you.
Hey thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I’m delighted to hear it was helpful. Sending so much love x
Thank you so much for your content! You do an amazing job reminding us, your fellow human beings, that it's completely normal to feel like you're not fitting in any term you happened to come across!
For me personally it's still a struggle to overcome the idea of me being stupid, because of my inability to actually understand and differentiate between various forms of attraction, which leads to unability to choose a specific label and stick with it. So it's really nice to receive a gentle reminder that I'm not the only one who has to deal with these kind of thoughts!
Hey thank you so so much for this lovely comment I really appreciate it. You are absolutely valid and normal for not having a defined orientation. Neither do I! I’m so pleased this video was helpful for you. If you haven’t already please subscribe as I will be making lots more related content. Do you have any labels you like to use or do you just leave it open? I’m so pleased that we have connected as we feel like family!!! 😭😍☀️🌈 sending so much love to you and thanks again for reaching out.
I'm so joyful I made you feel good by writing my comment! Thanks for your support and validation!
In terms of labels, I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum. However, I'm uncertain of where exactly I belong inside the asexual community. The thing is: I get incredibly confused trying to sort out my own experiences, so it's hard to understand whether I''ve felt sexual attraction or not. In addition to that, I'm only 19, so I could be a late bloomer.
And I know there is nothing wrong with me either way. But for some reason, thinking about these things gives me a lot of anxiety and I feel extremely guilty and ashamed for being this way, even though there is nothing to be ashamed of.
It's really weird, but I believe I'll get through this. It's all gonna be great eventually! Thank you!
Hey I’m so glad to meet another wonderful ace-spec person. I am so close to my ace-aro family because we experience many similar challenges. I also identify a lot with demi, fray, grey and akiosexuality in different ways. You are so valid and I’m delighted to hear your experiences.
Every time someone comments it brings a richness to this platform and people read it and connect. It’s why I do it and I love that you have taken the time. It really means a lot. Also the more comments means the more boost UA-cam gives to my videos and the more people we can reach. So thanks.
If you haven’t already checked out Yasmin Benoit I would recommend. Also check out my Instagram highlights under “key information” for details of ace groups if you’re interested.
Getting to know that there are so many people like you can be validating and seeing all the different varieties.
You’re not a late bloomer. You’re blooming now. You are who you are and that’s perfect right now. The challenge is believing that you are valid enough to express that to others.
For example if you enjoy someone’s presence but not keen on sexual contact, getting used to communicating that confidently and without shame is the key. Also accepting that sometimes you might like sexual contact as well, and that it doesn’t have to make sense or be the same all the time.
You are a living breathing human being with so many great qualities to give. Connect with your authentic natural bodily feelings and express it without apology.
Authenticity is the strongest and most attractive quality in anyone. So you’re going to be just fine.
Sending so much love from Mark @notdefining x
The best video I have ever watched about self identity and self love!
Omg thanks
Thank you Mark it has given me a lot to think about. I'm very conflicted right now and this has really helped.xx
Hey I’m so glad it helped.
I've been crossdressing all my life, and now wanting to spend more time presenting female and have the courage to go out. I'm in the closet sadly as it's not approved of. To add more complexity I'm also questioning.
This is a difficult concept for me right now. . I have to do some thinking on it. . As you know, people like to check off boxes about themselves, and others. . I realized we are very black and white. . Male? Female? White? Black? Brown? Straight? Gay? . So what do we do if we meet someone who is neither straight or gay? Someone who is not black or white or brown? Maybe a mix? Doesn't identify as male or female? For me, its difficult to comprehend. And that is partly due to being raised where there were absolutes. You were either male or female. There was no other choices. I was told bisexualities didn't exist. We were either gay or straight. Of course, we know all of this is just labels. So I am learning to not label myself, or others. . . Things i have not thought about until I saw this video. Thank you!
Hey thanks again for sharing your thoughts. I totally relate. The co hosts of my podcast are non binary and we often accidently de-gender each other. They do it too. It's engrained so it takes some unlearning. But we teach kids algebra and geometry so it's perfectly doable! I tend to think that the binary heteronormative world is actually very complicated and being nonbinary and bi is actually much simpler. You're just a human who likes humans. End of. But yeah, I'm so glad the content is provoking thought. That's what it's all about. I'm so happy to have your comments and perspectives on the page as this is why I do it. People will relate and connect. Sending much love to you my friend, Mark x
Thanks Mark. This video came to me as a recommendation. It’s helpful to me so I’ll stick around and subscribe to the channel for more.
Hey thanks for tuning in. I’m so glad you’re here with us.
Amazing video man, thank you so much 🙏🏻
Oh my gosh thank YOU so much for saying. I'm thrilled that you liked it. If you have the ability to share any of my videos I would be so grateful. Otherwise I'm just so glad that you're here and can't wait to share more content with you. Please keep commenting and sharing your views as I appreciate it so much. Keeps me going. Sending lots of love to you x
Mark, I have a question. There are still lots of people who want to believe in the binary existence (whatever their reasons). I generally have no problem if they want to exist that way. But the problem happens when non-binary existence is questioned by those who believe in the binary existence and then control/mistreat those who are different. I struggle with whether I should try to tell them that they are wrong or just leave them alone in their ways as long as they are ok with non-binary existence? What are your thoughts about this? And this was an excellent video. I myself don't like labels...but it's a challenge to get out of the label thinking despite questioning it all my life because the world is still very very gendered!
Hey thank you so much for your kind words and for your excellent question. It's one that I've grappled with for a long time. If you haven't done so already, check out 2 of my videos "how to deal with LGBTphobia" and "how to deal with homophobic families". In these videos I answer exactly that question you have asked. Post me a comment in those videos and let me know what you think of the methods I describe.
Other than that, the short answer is, do what feels right to your nervous system. If you feel like you'd like to discuss it with them and they're kind of willing to listen and maybe learn, and if you have the energy, then by all means explain it to them. I don't agree with people who say "you can't convince anyone, don't even bother" - I have actually had great conversations with a lot of people and they've come round to things so it's good.
HOWEVER...if you don't feel like it you do NOT have to engage. It can be exhausting to educate people, particularly if they aren't really bothered about learning. A simple "OK, well you're entitled to that opinion" can work wonders. Some replies I sometimes use:
"OK, I don't agree but that's cool".
"Well, this is what it is for me so..."
"It's just the way I am so..."
"I'm not sure we're going to see eye to eye on this so let's just agree to disagree"
"This conversation isn't really fun for me so shall we talk about something else. Anyway, been up to much lately....?"
What do you think? The key really for me is to follow your gut. Follow your own body. If it feels uncomfortable just end the conversation. People want a "debate" and it's not really for us to debate our existence so you don't have to.
Have you had a lot of these conversations? How have they gone for you? How are you feeling about it? It can be frustrating can't it?
Sending you loads of love and thanks again for supporting the channel and subscribing x
@@notdefining Thank you for that detailed comment, Mark. Right now, I stay in spaces (and with people) where I feel safe so I haven't had any conversations with anyone. I am preparing in case I have to...so your comment is really helpful. Also, I am definitely going to try the exercise you suggested.
@@AA-vq7ed Hey that's great, both that you're keeping with fab people who aren't horrid, and also that the advice was useful. If you ever have difficult conversations you can always come and chat it out here and we'll all give you a hand. You have a big community behind you and we've all got your back! Wishing you all the very best and thanks again for sharing this important question. Much love, from Mark x
@@notdefining I had this conversation with my therapist recently, as I'm experiencing exhaustion in having to explain diversity to even curious and open-minded people. I'm in a phase where I can only think "whatever" when they express their opinion. I'd like to have more patience, but right now cultivating relationships with my community is more pressing. I'm sure in the future I will regain the willingness to explain.
@@martinasardocardalano9077 Martina, you don't need patience. You don't need to explain. You don't owe anybody anything. You are feeling exhaustion because you are not letting yourself be the true version of who you are and letting that shine every day - despite whatever ignorant people say.
Say it once. Say it clearly. Love yourself. Then if people are criticising you just be like "ok, well this is me, so anyway". DO NOT let anyone make you exhausted by explaining it. There is nothing to explain. What about this...
"I like people".
Is that difficult to explain? No.
Sorry, another rant over. I know how it feels. I used to try and explain it to people too. You want them so bad to understand and accept you but they will. Just shine as you.
I have a video on "how to deal with homophobic families" where I explain this concept of how to really own your identity even when people are invalidating or not getting it. Check it out and let me know what you think.
I've got your back. Let me at these people and we can "explain" some things to them together! Go team! Sending so much love. You're amazing. x
What am amazing and beautiful video from a truest authentic person. Thank you 😊
This made my day. Thank you.
How can one find certainty when they struggle a lot with OCD? I’ve been suffering from SO-OCD and TOCD themes for the past few years and it’s led me to feel completely disconnected from my sense of self.
This is lovely.
Great video.
1:51 What about brain scans? And what makes people’s pupils dilate?
Thank you.
Hey you're so welcome. Thanks so much for watching.