You make complete sense. I've had years of emotional issues because of accepting and getting used to being treated wrong. (Emotionally and mentally abused) I was broken because I was too desperate for love but I didn't have enough self esteem to leave. I can seriously relate to your whole video. That's me, the betrayed who lived through it.
I think if your married with kids it can be harder to end things but if you don’t have kids honestly I don’t think it’s worth investing more time in these people in hopes that they’ll see the light. Sure maybe a small number can recover but it’s not likely. Once you sever trust it could be a decades before trust could come back IF they are practically perfect and that’s not going to happen. They are too exhausting.
Devastated spouse here 😟😟!!! It’s frequently men that seem so selfish in long term relationships. I don’t even know how to navigate my husband’s porn addiction. I really love him & want to stay(no kids yet ); but after reading your statements; I am thinking really deeply About it 🙂↕️😔.
Thank you for posting on this subject. It’s so validating for someone trying to have perspective after years of abuse. It changes us, our nervous systems our brains ability to assess new scenarios. 🙏
Either turn away from the partner or yourself- that hit me hard. Your videos hit right to the heart of it all. I have never felt more understood. The only thing is I think it is dangerous dealing with an addict. Safety first. Know that it’s abuse. Don’t let it continue under the guise of recovery. Feel sorry for them only when you are away and safe.
I hate that as much as I want to add this to the playlist i am compiling for him to listen to, my knee jerk reaction is "he will probably lust after her if I show this to him". What a miserable existence 😔 I looked for this in audio podcast form but cant find it. Your message is excellent, thank you for putting it onto words what so many of us are experiencing.
I want to normalize this reaction as it’s a common grief and loss issue after betrayal. You grieve how it changes the way you view other people, how your partner might be viewing others…perhaps things like that never crossed your mind before but after betrayal you might feel like you’ve become cynical and more easily triggered just by how someone holds themself or looks. You’re not alone.
Thank you! It is a loss. I am saddened at the way I now view women. Where I used to appreciate their beauty, now I am triggered or deeply saddened imagining how my husband would view them. I’m trying to rewire my brain, so I try to talk back to myself and say something like, “what a beautiful woman, who deserves love and respect, just as I do.” It seems to help. Take care everyone! ♥️ Thank you for the validation.
Same….but I also thought maybe he might listen. I’m pretty sure he developed an inappropriate relationship with my first attempt to connect him to a therapist…as she started messaging him on a personal level. I also hesitated to share a sex addicts support group because it’s both sexes and what could go wrong with a sex addict meetup.
Kristen you always hit it on the nail!!! Even after 2 years and 7 months today I still have to educate myself about this addiction and my own boundaries. Thank you for always having good insight 🙏🏼
Wow! I am so glad that I found your channel. The things that you are explaining about my betrayer are SO on point. I broke the relationship off from my betrayer in February which was right before 6 years together. So many friends I talk to don't understand why my hurt and confusion runs so so deep. Honestly I didn't understand why either until I hear you explaining things this way. 🙏 thank you bc it makes me feel like I'm not crazy for still having a hard time with things 6 plus months later
Thank YOU! I'm so glad you've found it helpful. I have a lot more videos on my channel on content on my website. Hopefully you find it all helpful on your healing journey.
It's like you created this video just for me and my situation. Thank you so much for creating this. Just being able to hear you explain what I instinctively knew was true has helped immensely.
Omy. You are SO reading this mess correctly! There’s nothing quite like finding out - that the person one vowed to love, trust and support till death parts them.., is living a duplicitous life, and that all you believed about your partner..for decades…is such a lie. A really difficult facet of this is when the betrayed has “ aged out” in vitality, appearance and health. At our wedding I was told..and I believed, I was a treasure only to be rejected as last week’s throw away food containers.
My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant (I only ever wanted to adopt.) Pregnancy was a huge gift to him and he betrayed me none-the-less. I am learning it is because he is an addict, but I am still so hurt. I am caring for a young baby (practically on my own.) Meanwhile, my life is falling apart. He has enmeshment issues with his parents. I believe they are the root cause of his addiction. I don't know what to do.
Hi Emily. I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’d you’re looking for help and support I have two spots open in my betrayed partners group for women. That may be helpful to you as you learn how to navigate this challenging situation. Learn more here: www.kristinsnowden.com/kristinsworkshops
Hugs to you and your baby. So sorry to hear you’re going through this at such an important time in your life. My own kids lost their real mom for a good 6 months and I’m still dealing with pain 19 months later. I’ve used Kristin’s UA-cam channel for 18 months and it has been tremendously helpful in my healing. Good luck. 🤗
@Samuel Karl thank you I agree about spirituality and God being a part of this. My husband is in a 12-step program, seeing a CSAT, and our marriage is a lot more stable now.
@@Gotoworkkk recognizing an active addict will act out no matter what a spouse does isn't excuse making in my opinion. It's understanding the cause of his actions and that none of what he did is my fault. I would never make excuses for someone cheating on me.
What if that is response to the same infraction. My husband's porn issue was so rejecting and lying it caused me to be self destructive. I'm not enough.
My sex addicted husband who also has NPD…perhaps the betrayed partner should know the statics of the addict changing or overcoming the addiction…the statics show that partner changing is a very low percentage…I tried for two years…I did everything to try and save the relationship…my advise is do everything you can do to educate yourself, get a good therapist that understands betrayal trauma that is so important…and move on with your life…the chances of true change are so remote…I do appreciate the video’s at the beginning…but be honest in the statics of how many partners are successful in changing
@Samkarl823my husband “doesn’t do spirituality”. He has to open the door to spirituality, no one (Jesus/God/Higher Self) can force their way in if the 3 dimensional unconscious self doesn’t want it
I’m here today watching this video and reading your comment because after no longer willing to accept my husbands lying and persistent betrayal after 20 years, I finally learned that none of that behaviour is my fault and I’ve created boundaries around what my normal is. But I’m starting to realise he is waiting for me to heal from his past behaviour whilst he continues on “over there” doing nothing to heal his past traumas that lead to him acting out in the first place. I don’t feel he is capable of changing because he is incapable of facing his buried emotions and traumas in order to heal
Perfectly said!!! My experience exactly. Got involved with a womanizer that led a secret life of bars, clubs, parties, behind my back. After I found out, he has been saying he’s “working on being a better man.” I say it’s simple, just stop doing f’ckd up sh’t. He watches videos now to pacify me bc I told him I’m a feather’s weight away from breaking for good and being done. But deep down, it’s just an act and I don’t think it’s possible for him to change. He doesn’t want therapy and if he went he’d lie to the therapist too. Yeah we need to accept that as the reality that most of the people we’re talking about are incapable of true lasting change.
How long do you give an addict to get into real recovery, understand that their actions hurt their partner, have empathy and REAL apology? I'm 4.5 months into recovery from my betrayal trauma, and my PA/SA partner isn't truly committed to recovery. He went to a few therapy sessions, claims it doesn't work for him, went to one SAA meeting and hasn't gone back (& has lied about still going), and isn't doing any other recovery work. He's been very cold and mean to me. We have a 2 year old and I want to give reconciliation together a try, but he's just not doing what he needs to do. It's like he's still in denial that he has a real, deep problem. I can't wait forever though!
Your comment is 2 weeks old. In my case, it took 2 years of absolute hell being alone, being suicidal, the deepest pain I've ever known could exist, and he got into a men's group and now just a week ago, he came to counseling 😔
I’d suggest you look into some boundaries training and a betrayed spouses group. You need support and to learn how to set healthy boundaries with your husband. Sadly, only by setting boundaries (you’re actually willing to follow through on) will you be able to see where he truly stands- and he’ll be able to see that you mean what you say/he might lose you. Overall, focus on your healing - while you watch and wait from a distance to see if he will engage in the real work.
What’s your opinion on a wife that breaks their vows and ends the marriage AND concealed their plans without telling you while lining up a support network, building their finances, telling friends about their plans to divorce, and (I suspect) lining up a replacement boyfriend?
I'm sure those who watched this are the betrayed partners. There's no way the betrayers would ever. The title of the video alone is a repellent for them to ever click 😅
I love your videos, what sucks is your beauty triggers my anxiety, and I can't control it. Why can't I just get my brain back and look at women normally? It's so stupid 😭
I’m so sorry that you experience that kind of fear and hypervigilance around women. But that’s a very common symptom of being betrayed. You’re not alone. And at least you’re aware of it. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hopefully your finding a safe betrayed partners group through Wetonglen or sexandrelationshiphealing.com or one of my betrayed partner workshops.
@jessd956 I am so sorry you're dealing with it as well. Thank you for the encouragement! I'm getting better a little bit everyday. I hope you are as well!
Hi. I have some recent videos on that topic as well. I think they’re called “how do I know my partner is actually changing” and “what makes a healthy relationship”. Those both talk about how your partner might start making changes and signs they’re genuine and not just avoiding getting in trouble.
@@kathrynmussack4580 That’s exactly how I feel. Been together almost 5 years and he’s lied to me every single day. 😞 says he’s changing but unless I had a camera on him 24/7 I don’t believe him. He always lies about something sneaky but also lies for no reason, no matter how dumb. I’m convinced he’s a lifelong sex addict.
Right here: www.kristinsnowden.com/live-workshops All of my groups have a betrayal trauma focus. There are also BT groups at SexandRelationshipHealing.com
It's been a minute, Kristin. Glad to see you have a new video up. Let me give you some quick time sensitive advice. If you'd like to get more youtube viewers and subscribers, do a quickie video on the whole WIll Smith/Chris Rock thingie. You probably have 24 hours left before the interest in that completely dies....Love your content. Can't wait to watch this video later!
Thank you so much for your thoughtful suggestion. However, I try to only provide insight and professional/personal knowledge on topics I feel I have the full-understanding and expertise to weigh-in on. I’m too far removed from the Will Smith/Chris Rock controversy to speak on that topic effectively. I try to stick to things i know well: betrayal trauma, couples crisis issues, and addiction/trauma recovery. Thanks again!!
What if anytime you try to talk about it they threaten you and tell you if you bring it up one more time I'm gonna leave your ass or they tell you that don't let just because you had bad ex-boyfriend. You should stop being so insecure or they tell youwhat I cheated I don't love you. I don't want you anymore and then when you say thank you I knew it then they take it back because they don't want you to have any clarity or know that you were right about anything. Is that abuse?
When you have legitimate evidence from being suspicious one day and recording a phone call and you can clearly hear him talking to female whispering and having sex and they deny it and tell you that you're crazy and that you need to let it go and move on and stop bringing it up... is that abuse ?
You make complete sense. I've had years of emotional issues because of accepting and getting used to being treated wrong. (Emotionally and mentally abused) I was broken because I was too desperate for love but I didn't have enough self esteem to leave. I can seriously relate to your whole video. That's me, the betrayed who lived through it.
I think if your married with kids it can be harder to end things but if you don’t have kids honestly I don’t think it’s worth investing more time in these people in hopes that they’ll see the light. Sure maybe a small number can recover but it’s not likely. Once you sever trust it could be a decades before trust could come back IF they are practically perfect and that’s not going to happen. They are too exhausting.
You're right. Maybe don't decide immediately but give yourself 3-6 months
Exhausted yes! 😢 Like adrenal fatigue exhausted.
Devastated spouse here 😟😟!!! It’s frequently men that seem so selfish in long term relationships. I don’t even know how to navigate my husband’s porn addiction. I really love him & want to stay(no kids yet ); but after reading your statements; I am thinking really deeply About it 🙂↕️😔.
Thank you for posting on this subject. It’s so validating for someone trying to have perspective after years of abuse. It changes us, our nervous systems our brains ability to assess new scenarios. 🙏
Either turn away from the partner or yourself- that hit me hard. Your videos hit right to the heart of it all. I have never felt more understood. The only thing is I think it is dangerous dealing with an addict. Safety first. Know that it’s abuse. Don’t let it continue under the guise of recovery. Feel sorry for them only when you are away and safe.
I hate that as much as I want to add this to the playlist i am compiling for him to listen to, my knee jerk reaction is "he will probably lust after her if I show this to him". What a miserable existence 😔 I looked for this in audio podcast form but cant find it. Your message is excellent, thank you for putting it onto words what so many of us are experiencing.
I thought the same! 😔 I’m sorry!
I want to normalize this reaction as it’s a common grief and loss issue after betrayal. You grieve how it changes the way you view other people, how your partner might be viewing others…perhaps things like that never crossed your mind before but after betrayal you might feel like you’ve become cynical and more easily triggered just by how someone holds themself or looks. You’re not alone.
And I do have several non-video podcasts he could listen to, like this one: www.buzzsprout.com/2364709/episodes/15205790
Thank you! It is a loss. I am saddened at the way I now view women. Where I used to appreciate their beauty, now I am triggered or deeply saddened imagining how my husband would view them. I’m trying to rewire my brain, so I try to talk back to myself and say something like, “what a beautiful woman, who deserves love and respect, just as I do.” It seems to help.
Take care everyone! ♥️
Thank you for the validation.
Same….but I also thought maybe he might listen. I’m pretty sure he developed an inappropriate relationship with my first attempt to connect him to a therapist…as she started messaging him on a personal level. I also hesitated to share a sex addicts support group because it’s both sexes and what could go wrong with a sex addict meetup.
Kristen you always hit it on the nail!!!
Even after 2 years and 7 months today I still have to educate myself about this addiction and my own boundaries.
Thank you for always having good insight 🙏🏼
Thanks Theresa!!
Wow! I am so glad that I found your channel. The things that you are explaining about my betrayer are SO on point. I broke the relationship off from my betrayer in February which was right before 6 years together. So many friends I talk to don't understand why my hurt and confusion runs so so deep. Honestly I didn't understand why either until I hear you explaining things this way. 🙏 thank you bc it makes me feel like I'm not crazy for still having a hard time with things 6 plus months later
Me too. A wonderful channel. I feel understood and relaxed. 🙏
You have nailed the betrayl experience. I am now connecting with my intuition.
Wish I could give this more than one thumbs up.
Thank you so much for this.
Thank YOU! I'm so glad you've found it helpful. I have a lot more videos on my channel on content on my website. Hopefully you find it all helpful on your healing journey.
Hearing you speak nearly verbatim these thoughts that chained me is SO healing. Thank you 🙏🏻
I’m so happy my work resonates with you.
This was fantastic. Such a great presentation of what's going on.
Thank you for this! It's so helpful! ❤
So grateful I found your channel. Holy validating!
I’m glad you found my channel, too! That’s what it’s here for…
It's like you created this video just for me and my situation. Thank you so much for creating this. Just being able to hear you explain what I instinctively knew was true has helped immensely.
Thanks!
Omy. You are SO reading this mess correctly! There’s nothing quite like finding out - that the person one vowed to love, trust and support till death parts them.., is living a duplicitous life, and that all you believed about your partner..for decades…is such a lie. A really difficult facet of this is when the betrayed has “ aged out” in vitality, appearance and health. At our wedding I was told..and I believed, I was a treasure only to be rejected as last week’s throw away food containers.
I continue to enjoy your excellent perspective. Thank you 🌟
Thank you!
My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant (I only ever wanted to adopt.) Pregnancy was a huge gift to him and he betrayed me none-the-less. I am learning it is because he is an addict, but I am still so hurt. I am caring for a young baby (practically on my own.) Meanwhile, my life is falling apart. He has enmeshment issues with his parents. I believe they are the root cause of his addiction. I don't know what to do.
Hi Emily. I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’d you’re looking for help and support I have two spots open in my betrayed partners group for women. That may be helpful to you as you learn how to navigate this challenging situation. Learn more here: www.kristinsnowden.com/kristinsworkshops
Hugs to you and your baby. So sorry to hear you’re going through this at such an important time in your life. My own kids lost their real mom for a good 6 months and I’m still dealing with pain 19 months later. I’ve used Kristin’s UA-cam channel for 18 months and it has been tremendously helpful in my healing. Good luck. 🤗
@Samuel Karl thank you I agree about spirituality and God being a part of this. My husband is in a 12-step program, seeing a CSAT, and our marriage is a lot more stable now.
It sounds like you’re making excuses for his cheating… realize that things will never be the same if anything will get worse… I’m sorry ❤
@@Gotoworkkk recognizing an active addict will act out no matter what a spouse does isn't excuse making in my opinion. It's understanding the cause of his actions and that none of what he did is my fault. I would never make excuses for someone cheating on me.
Thank you - this is so helpful
This is so true
16:00 struggle to own the emotional abuse towards their loved ones
What if that is response to the same infraction. My husband's porn issue was so rejecting and lying it caused me to be self destructive. I'm not enough.
My husband still thinks watching porn isn’t abnormal according to his own research into it
@@Erisactivationsof course. They only look for and find research or sites that support their harmful behaviors.
My sex addicted husband who also has NPD…perhaps the betrayed partner should know the statics of the addict changing or overcoming the addiction…the statics show that partner changing is a very low percentage…I tried for two years…I did everything to try and save the relationship…my advise is do everything you can do to educate yourself, get a good therapist that understands betrayal trauma that is so important…and move on with your life…the chances of true change are so remote…I do appreciate the video’s at the beginning…but be honest in the statics of how many partners are successful in changing
@Samkarl823my husband “doesn’t do spirituality”. He has to open the door to spirituality, no one (Jesus/God/Higher Self) can force their way in if the 3 dimensional unconscious self doesn’t want it
I’m here today watching this video and reading your comment because after no longer willing to accept my husbands lying and persistent betrayal after 20 years, I finally learned that none of that behaviour is my fault and I’ve created boundaries around what my normal is. But I’m starting to realise he is waiting for me to heal from his past behaviour whilst he continues on “over there” doing nothing to heal his past traumas that lead to him acting out in the first place. I don’t feel he is capable of changing because he is incapable of facing his buried emotions and traumas in order to heal
Perfectly said!!! My experience exactly. Got involved with a womanizer that led a secret life of bars, clubs, parties, behind my back. After I found out, he has been saying he’s “working on being a better man.” I say it’s simple, just stop doing f’ckd up sh’t. He watches videos now to pacify me bc I told him I’m a feather’s weight away from breaking for good and being done. But deep down, it’s just an act and I don’t think it’s possible for him to change. He doesn’t want therapy and if he went he’d lie to the therapist too. Yeah we need to accept that as the reality that most of the people we’re talking about are incapable of true lasting change.
How long do you give an addict to get into real recovery, understand that their actions hurt their partner, have empathy and REAL apology? I'm 4.5 months into recovery from my betrayal trauma, and my PA/SA partner isn't truly committed to recovery. He went to a few therapy sessions, claims it doesn't work for him, went to one SAA meeting and hasn't gone back (& has lied about still going), and isn't doing any other recovery work. He's been very cold and mean to me. We have a 2 year old and I want to give reconciliation together a try, but he's just not doing what he needs to do. It's like he's still in denial that he has a real, deep problem. I can't wait forever though!
Divorce is your only option. Choose yourself ❤
Your comment is 2 weeks old. In my case, it took 2 years of absolute hell being alone, being suicidal, the deepest pain I've ever known could exist, and he got into a men's group and now just a week ago, he came to counseling 😔
I’d suggest you look into some boundaries training and a betrayed spouses group. You need support and to learn how to set healthy boundaries with your husband. Sadly, only by setting boundaries (you’re actually willing to follow through on) will you be able to see where he truly stands- and he’ll be able to see that you mean what you say/he might lose you. Overall, focus on your healing - while you watch and wait from a distance to see if he will engage in the real work.
I agree
What’s your opinion on a wife that breaks their vows and ends the marriage AND concealed their plans without telling you while lining up a support network, building their finances, telling friends about their plans to divorce, and (I suspect) lining up a replacement boyfriend?
I'm sure those who watched this are the betrayed partners. There's no way the betrayers would ever. The title of the video alone is a repellent for them to ever click 😅
So interesting.
I love your videos, what sucks is your beauty triggers my anxiety, and I can't control it. Why can't I just get my brain back and look at women normally? It's so stupid 😭
I’m so sorry that you experience that kind of fear and hypervigilance around women. But that’s a very common symptom of being betrayed. You’re not alone. And at least you’re aware of it. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hopefully your finding a safe betrayed partners group through Wetonglen or sexandrelationshiphealing.com or one of my betrayed partner workshops.
PS don’t shame yourself. Your response to some women is a trauma response. And you’re working toward healing.
Not stupid. I have the same anxiety about it. Sending you love.
@jessd956 I am so sorry you're dealing with it as well. Thank you for the encouragement! I'm getting better a little bit everyday. I hope you are as well!
@@jamieknight192 working on it for sure. Thank you! ♥️🙏🏻
21:38 this is a complex trauma, emotional abuse
How do you know if the chronic lying stops?
Hi. I have some recent videos on that topic as well. I think they’re called “how do I know my partner is actually changing” and “what makes a healthy relationship”. Those both talk about how your partner might start making changes and signs they’re genuine and not just avoiding getting in trouble.
@@KristinSnowden thank you. I will watch them. It has been so many year for me that I don’t know if I will ever be able to believe him.
@@kathrynmussack4580 That’s exactly how I feel. Been together almost 5 years and he’s lied to me every single day. 😞 says he’s changing but unless I had a camera on him 24/7 I don’t believe him.
He always lies about something sneaky but also lies for no reason, no matter how dumb. I’m convinced he’s a lifelong sex addict.
This can also be family issues such as parent deals with a adult child who's in addiction.
Absolutely. It’s for anyone who loves or lives with an addict.
💯 totally a secret life he will never think he will be hanging around with that kind of people a second life💯💯
healing
He is not in contact anymore but im worried for him
Where/how can I find a betrayal trauma group?
Right here: www.kristinsnowden.com/live-workshops All of my groups have a betrayal trauma focus. There are also BT groups at SexandRelationshipHealing.com
It's been a minute, Kristin. Glad to see you have a new video up. Let me give you some quick time sensitive advice. If you'd like to get more youtube viewers and subscribers, do a quickie video on the whole WIll Smith/Chris Rock thingie. You probably have 24 hours left before the interest in that completely dies....Love your content. Can't wait to watch this video later!
Thank you so much for your thoughtful suggestion. However, I try to only provide insight and professional/personal knowledge on topics I feel I have the full-understanding and expertise to weigh-in on. I’m too far removed from the Will Smith/Chris Rock controversy to speak on that topic effectively. I try to stick to things i know well: betrayal trauma, couples crisis issues, and addiction/trauma recovery. Thanks again!!
What if anytime you try to talk about it they threaten you and tell you if you bring it up one more time I'm gonna leave your ass or they tell you that don't let just because you had bad ex-boyfriend. You should stop being so insecure or they tell youwhat I cheated I don't love you. I don't want you anymore and then when you say thank you I knew it then they take it back because they don't want you to have any clarity or know that you were right about anything. Is that abuse?
When you have legitimate evidence from being suspicious one day and recording a phone call and you can clearly hear him talking to female whispering and having sex and they deny it and tell you that you're crazy and that you need to let it go and move on and stop bringing it up... is that abuse ?
Yes. Full. Stop.
We don’t get upset at women it’s all types of things
I am hanuss to him