Why I Choose to Be a Stay at Home Mom as an Exmormon
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- Опубліковано 23 лис 2023
- Leaving the church, I resisted the idea of being a stay-at-home mom, determined to defy traditional norms. Balancing work and motherhood, I clung to the belief that my purpose surpassed societal expectations.
As I missed moments with my firstborn, a fear crept in - was embracing stay-at-home motherhood surrendering my post-Mormon identity? The sacrifice felt like a setback, but I persisted, equating resistance to traditional norms with newfound freedom.
The birth of my second son brought a revelation - I had swung the pendulum too far, rejecting everything dictated by Mormonism. Motherhood became a battleground for identity as I realized I'd sacrificed the mom I aspired to be in my rush to distance from the church.
My journey isn't universal, but a personal exploration of authenticity beyond religious norms.
#exmormon #exmo #mormon #lds #utah #josephsmith #byu #jesuschrist
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Being a stay at home mom is a great thing. It’s only bad when you have no choice
yep! that's exactly it.
That's it, what you said!! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🥰🥰🥰♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
My problem there is that what choice do you have to leave the relationship? Because only when you have cards that say I can leave if I desire to& I own money etc so he can't controll me, then you actually continue to have choices
@@catsaresocute650 this now of course comes from a man perspective but I think I would, as a husband of a stay at home mum, try to still incourage her to e.g take courses or educate herself as the kid(s) are gonna grow up one day and then it would be useful. That said, some parts of me would totally want to be the stay at home dad! Or most likely, an equal relationship where we just both keep in mind to make time for our children once deciding to have them (as my dad was always present and avaliable all the time, rahu tema põrmule)
The problem with this hardcore stayathoming is that people often do not prepare for life afterwards.
@@A-A_P The problem with a several year gap in your CV is that you just will have severst disatvanteges. I would love to be a stay at home mom (not wife, but just for the children until the youngest starts kindergarden). I just think that taking more then a year of per child, especilly when I desire to have a biger family is something that will mean that my passion that I work so hard to work in will be gone.
That's the beauty of NOT being part of a religion or a cult. You can decide for yourself what you want to do with your life. I think it would be hard to not just 'do the opposite' of what you thought the Mormon cult was forcing on you.....but with time you realized what you wanted for yourself even if it is somewhat like the Mormon tradition. You win. You are doing what you want for yourself and loving your life. yup, you are a successful person and your family will love you for it! You have such lucky children.
One of my best friends sent me this. It perfectly dovetails with the conversation we were having the other day about how certain institutions (religious and political) don’t own the concept of motherhood and family. They don’t own it and they are not entitled to defining it. I absolutely love that you had time to process your experiences outside of a controlling environment and found TRUE freedom ie being able to completely detangle from their version of reality by stripping it to its core and redefining things such as motherhood as your own and on your terms.
I think it is best for young kids to be raised by a parent (not necessarily mom) rather than by a daycare. A couple hours of preschool each week is important for early education, but I hate that our current economy requires most households to have 2 incomes just to survive. Either you have to turn your kids over to a daycare to primarily raise or work opposite shifts with your partner, which is murder on a relationship. My silver lining to being disabled is that it allowed me to be home to raise my kids myself. Even once you get into the school years, there are always Dr appts, concerts, games, and other extra-curriculars. I do really admire parents who both work but still manage to show up for their kids. Thinking about trying to manage all that with both my hubby and I working 40+ hours makes my head spin.
And working half-time for the preschool time? I mean a work that's about 4 hours a day, preschool being maybe 5 hours
@catsaresocute650 yeah before I ended up on disability I worked a job while a relative watched my daughter. When the relative was no longer able to do so I looked in to daycares and after paying it I would have only had $50 a week left from my paycheck. Wasn't worth it.
I was lucky to have my MIL was an experienced mom and Grandma. She lived with us and helped so much before and after I went back to work.
Research show, yes. It’s better. Erica Komisar has a lot to say on it.
My wife and I made a decision before having kids to not use day care. She managed the house and I paid the bills. We make a good team. We raised our children ourselves. Been married for 27 years now and no regrets. To each its own. Have several friends that function as two income families. Seems to work for them.
My dad was a stay at home parent and really misses it now that we’re all older. It’s a great decision to make for many people as long as it is your own decision. I’m so pleased that you’ve been able to decide for yourself if it is for you, and am wishing you a great time with your family.
Thank you for posting this and having the courage to state this. I grew up Mormon in UT but stopped going to Church as a teenager. I eventually moved to the east coast and married a non-mormon. When we had children, I stayed home for 13 years. I have always felt guilty that on 'paper' I did exactly what I raised to do. It was only recently that I realized how much being raised Mormon tainted my ability to enjoy those early years of motherhood. I very much relate to what you said.
So well said. I don't regret being a stay-at-home mom for the last 15 years, but I still mourn the fact that I didn't think I was capable of doing anything else.
So much of what you talk about is parallel to what we were taught as Catholics 50 years ago. Terrifying. And it was *not fun* defying expectations by going to university, not getting married, not having children. I'm not sure to this day that my parents didn't think less of me. My father did tell me that it was a waste of money for me to go to university "as you'll just end up getting married and having children anyway." Paid my own way...
I wanted and kinda still do want a job. BUT my husband is a fireman. He also dose wildland fire. His schedule makes him unreliable to be there.... so I want my kids to have someone always their for them. I have decided that for now I'm going to give my kids stability. It's not easy. I'm thinking of other ways to make myself feel important.
BUT, sweetheart!! You ARE important!! To yourself, your husband, and your children. Please don't underestimate the impact that you being a stay at home mother will have! Your children will be grateful for all the times they had with you as they grow older. I know I'm extremely lucky and grateful that my mum stayed with me during my formative years. She was my "shoulder to cry on" when I was having an awful time at school 😊🥰🥰 Children value the time they have with their parents very much. You only have one chance to do that for each child. You are a hero, especially to your children ♥️♥️♥️♥️
Beeing a mother is a job 🥰 one of the greatest job on earth. Society has turned it around. What could be more important than to raise up the next generation 🥰 try to change your mindset. God bless you ❤️💫 you are important.
You are important already. At the same time, if I understand correctly, you want to contribute to your wider community, especially if you already have talents or experiences in that direction. Best of luck on your goals! I hope you can find useful tips and connections.
I think others are taking your phrasing wrongly. I completely understand what you mean and I'm in the same boat. My husband has a kob that he travels for sometimes and I'm home with the kids. In order to feel like I'm doing more for the sake of my own future, I'm taking classes online asynchronously. I get to feel like I'm getting somewhere while I'm able to stay home and be here for my kids. One day they'll grow up and nit need me as much and I'll hopefully be able to start a career. We all need a retirement plan. I don't want to depend on my children when I'm old.
I didn’t even know you have kids! I bet you’re a great mother!
As with nearly every aspect in life, the key is balance. Stay Gold.
Good for you!! My kids did great because my wife stayed home with our children. Staying home isn't everything in being a great mom, but when the kids came home from school, My wife was always there for them. We were financially poorer, but now that I'm older, it was the best choice for our whole family.
Yes, teens,especially, need a parent present when they come home from school.
totally understandable. So sweet to be able to redeem your identity as a mom, and as a family. YOU are free to do whats best for your family.
This is SO important! Thank you for sharing! I’m an exvangelical and I relate so much to that urge to rebel, even when the rebellion is not what I actually want for myself. It really shows how any high-control institution is toxic, because it forces people to extremes one way or another. I’m always reminding myself: reality is somewhere in the middle.
My spouse and I are Catholics and she was was a teacher in a Catholic school. After having our baby she decided not to go back. The combination of the time constraints you mentioned and the abysmal compensation make it very hard for teachers to keep working with pre-school are children.
Fellow Catholic here. My husband did a stint at a Catholic school and now works in the public school system. Catholic schools, at least in our area, don't pay a livable wage for a family or even really for a single person unless they're very frugal. And they ask for way more of your time too.
I think they still haven't adjusted from having convents of sisters (no wages, it's their vocation) be the teachers.
Being able to choose is being a feminist, choosing what your heart wants, and nobody telling you that you need to be one thing of the other because of gender. Way to go! I’m so happy for you! You don’t need to do for or opposite anyone, you need to do your own thing, as a person.
I was influenced as a young girl that working moms who were Mormon were bad moms… I have to be a working mom now to pay the bills but I’m lucky that my husband and my mom all rotate watching him so he is very loved. If he was in day care I would probably quit!
I found out through dating someone that apparently a lot of Catholics have this same mindset, too, that a woman’s only job after having children is to be a SAHM/home maker (even though there’s no Church teaching that says that is a rule just people who believe there to be one). And it’s brutal because I’ve never pictured myself as being a SAHM (not that I’m not open to the idea but it’s just not the first thing I gravitate to) but here I was faced with someone judging me telling me that I can’t be a good parent if I decide to work over staying home. And I’m going to be completely honest there’s benefits and drawbacks to both styles of parenting and I think it’s best for the parents to decide what’s best for them and their family and not just a “oh women HAVE to be SAHM because that’s what women are supposed to do”
Women are better at raising children. Men can’t breastfeed. Daycares are horrible places for raising children.
I was honestly terrified to end up being a sahm being exmo for the same reasons and more. My patriarchal blessing also talked exclusively about being a teacher and how many children would be touched by my hand etc etc. I ended up getting steered so heavily away from all my actual aspirations and into my career "choice" that financially it made less than zero sense for me to work when we had kids so i started staying home. Ive loved being home with them but its been a lot of re-deconstructing. And then when the pandemic hit and our school district went even more to shit we decided to homeschool. And the cycle started all over again.
Yay for you doing you! Because at the end of the day, that's what it's all about- living the unique life that the unique you was meant to live!
I relate to this in a lot of ways. I became a mom, not because it was what I wanted, but because it was what the church taught me I needed to do. I'm also neurodivergent, and the church narrative of motherhood never made space for those unique challenges that neurodivergents face where a person who is likely struggling to take care of themselves due to their disability now finds themselves responsible for children. I wanted to work. I liked working, and I loved my job. But the burnout from trying to take care of me, my kid, pets, maintain a relationship with my husband, and work a job became so absolutely crippling that I just couldn't do it anymore. My entire family almost fell apart because I was trying so hard to hold onto my job, and I had nothing left to give to them and their needs. I became a stay at home mom, not because I wanted to be, but because it wasn't sustainable to be anything else, and I feel so cheated. I feel like the church definitely left me ill-prepared for motherhood and then robbed me of any ability to cope with the reality that it ended up being for me. I want to enjoy these years with my kid, but I'm often drowning in depression and despair because I just don't feel like the world has created space for people like me to be anything but a stay at home mom. And the fact that the church wants this outcome for me (and all women) has made it so much more difficult for me to enjoy and embrace it. I can do literally anything in this new life: start a new hobby, go new places with my kid, etc. and instead I just feel like I'm backed into a corner that was put there just for me by the church, and getting out of it has proven to be a lot harder than I thought it would be when I first decided to quit my job.
To be fair, teaching is probably one of the worst careers to get into if you want to have a family. The hours are impossibly long during the school year. I’m a former teacher and I left because of the hours and the fact that I can make more doing literally anything else.
It seems to me that you're a loss to the teaching profession 😢 Your comment perfectly illustrates this because you come across as very understanding and compassionate. It's a real shame that we're losing so many good and decent people in the teaching profession just because they are not paid what what they're worth. It's extremely frustrating. You are much missed. 😢 ♥️♥️♥️
@@vikkiledgard8483 Thank you! Your words are very kind. I'm not a believer in money being everything by any means, but I just financially couldn't do it anymore. I managed my money well, and even then, it was impossible to save for my future. Had to get a second job and that's when I learned my manager, who only had a high school diploma, was making $10,000 a year more than me. Every year that I taught, my students' test scores exceeded my colleagues'. I hate to say it, but $10,000 per year is the difference between living in an apartment for the rest of my life and being able to afford to buy a home. I was in it for the kids but had to leave.
Some teachers do this some don’t! I have strict boundaries with being a teacher and mom. I show up right when contract time starts and leave 10 min after contract ends. If I don’t get it all done; there is another day and that’s the beauty of life. Only thing I do take home is essays 4 times a year and that is only if I am super behind and know I can’t grade them at work. I now grade them when the kids are silent reading and it’s fine! I don’t have the most exciting and fun class in the world but my school got #1 in Nevada for winter testing so I know I am doing something right!
@@monicaokungbowa4246 That's great for you. You sound like someone who has been teaching for a long time. I think our situations might have been very different. As a non-tenured teacher of color, I wasn't able to do that. I was a 4th year teacher my last year and was suddenly one of the most experienced teachers at my inner-city school. My school had hired a bunch of unlicensed teachers because our state no longer requires a license. You can imagine what a shit show that created. On top of it, I had to get a second job because I could no longer pay my bills. The straw that broke the camel's back was the 3% "raise" they gave us at the end of the year when inflation went up 7%-10% in my city. If you're able to set up these healthy boundaries, please can you help any younger teachers at your school set them up. Especially of they are teachers of color.
Good for you. I am a 57yo man who left the church after 1 freshman year at BYU and mission. Finished college elsewhere and have 4 kids. I have made a relatively successful effort to be a stay at home Dad and no doubt looking back I am so pleased that I did not put on a suit and chase some career in the name of someone else's version of success. We were taught that family is important for good reason. The time passes so fast when they are young. Good for you.
I’m a teacher and I get to see my son for at least an hour in the morning and 3-5 at night depending on when he will actually go to sleep! I know the schedule will constantly change but for me rn it’s working out good. I need to work so I don’t have the option to stay home but I’m glad you made the choice what was best for you and your family
I worked in a Daycare, in the nursery, taking care of babies from 6 weeks to 12 months. Daycare is NOT the place for babies. The ratio is 4-1, that is 4 babies to 1 Daycare Provider. Some days, I only had 15 minutes to spend one-on-one time with a baby, so for most of the day, the babies didn't get individual attention and bonding time with a Daycare Provider. All we have time for with looking after 4 babies, was taking care of their basic needs. Baby human beings, just like baby animals, need bonding time with their own mother. Nothing to do with a religion, it's nature.
Your authenticity and sincerity is refreshing and your confidence is reassuring.
I am thankful you are starting to heal enough to enjoy good things, even when they originally came to you packaged with twists and lies.
I admire your being so committed to truth that you would sacrifice your status in your tight-knit family.
You seem to thirst for, and have deep commitment to honesty.
Keep strong, and keep sifting and seeking until you have found the full joy of the untwisted eternal truth.
May Truth and Love chase after you, as you are committed thereto. ❤
I had a messed up childhood and the first step in independent decision-making was "do the opposite of what I mother would do or suggest," but yes, even a broken clock is right twice a day. You can't just reason by doing the opposite.
I'd like to ask a question: But isn't being a UA-camr and a book writer - a job? But I get you and think you are completely right, your past should not determine your future decisions, you are free now and you can build the life you want for yourself ❤
Sweetheart, you are doing very well in life. You grew up with abuse, and learning takes time. You weren't robbed, you needed time to learn. Life is a school. I was abused in a different way, but it takes years and guts to learn the truth. I think you're awesome. Fight on, learn on, teach your babies to be human first. They will be the ones to save the mess made so far.
Thank you for this contribution to the bigger discussion on family, gender, and religion--especially in light of the ongoing "tradwife" phenomenon. This is a great reminder that some women can and do stay home with their children. They can, at the same time, earn money and promote progressive values. There are many ways to be a SAHM. Happy to see that you found, or built, a way that works for you.
Thanks for sharing. I am still figuring out what path is right for me. i am gravitating towards being a care giver, maybe working from home part time... But its so hard to decern, what my own desire is, and what was just installed in me since forever. (I didnt grow up morman, but evangelical fundamentalist.)
Keep posting. Your message is awesome
deep as hell. you’re saying all the right feelings and i think you did the right thing!!
The other thing about being a SAHP is that for some of us, it better fits our temperaments. I have ADHD, though I didn’t know it. Being a SAHP my house may have always been a mess, but I loved active projects and playing with my kids. I loved the creativity and wonder and exploring new things. We explored new parks, new museums, all the time.
Sitting in an office is torture to me. I’ve never had the same job longer than 2 years, due to boredom. Kids, on the other hand, grow and change, and each year there’s something new to learn or a different skill to master. I may have sucked at cleaning house, but being a leader-role model-parent was awesome, and I miss it!
My mom at home with me and dad for one year. It was lovely. Love my parents.
@AlyssaGrenfell These TikTok videos are great. So concise.
Working as a Mom and being a missionary: it was felt right at the time.
Looking back is always 20/20.
As you learn more truth, you realize more of your past that was wrong, no matter your intention at the time. That's the wisdom of maturity.
You do what you want. My wife was a full time mom for the first 10 years of the kids lives.she worked later on when she. Felt that was what she wanted.
It is best for a child’s attachment to have their mother as their primary caregiver in the early years. Nobody can do it better! I think it’s awesome you made that choice. It’s rewarding as the mother and the child. It’s unfortunate how Mormonism makes it seem like that’s a woman’s only value though.
Psychologist and never Mormon here. Apart from ideals and the good is what is good for me: science has found out that you harm your baby if you put it into the care of strangers too early, which in a lot of cases means under 3 years old. Children need a reliable adult with them that loves them and gives lots of one to one attention. That can be the mom, the dad, a relative a friend, but stability and loving care from an empathetic person is important to not be flooded with stress hormones like cortisol and instead have attachment hormones released like oxytocin. Even seemingly well adapted toddlers in nurseries showed very high levels of cortisol, which can have all sorts of negative long term effects on brain development and mental health.
After i left the church i broke myself making sure my sons mother would be the one to raise my son. Not a dayhome, teacher, nanny, nothing was good enough for me except one of us instilling our values and lessons on our child. Especially in a home devoid of religion. Those early years are crucial i didnt want him receiving mixed messages on important things like beliefs.
Its an aspect of mormonism that i actually deeply respect. Stay at home parents are superheroes
The Mormon hierarchy tells mothers to stay home because there's a better chance that the children will stay in the religion when grown, and be the future tithe payers. Also, stay at home moms are given more church jobs, unlike the ones working full time. It is totally self serving. The rank and file members are taken advantage of, in their desire to do the right thing. I know, as I was a member for 30 years.
Choosing to raise your own children has nothing to do with religion. Unfortunately some 'religions' use that as a way to control.
Good for you! Amen ✝️✝️🇺🇸🇺🇸
Yes. This is why I am a stay at home mom now too ❤️ I missed too much with my first and second babies... no more.
Powerful!
Feminism is making your own choices, whatever they may be
@@mama-nono3652Yess, it’s not only having news opportunities for women, it’s having the choice to choose what opportunities you want. Like yes you can wear a pants, but you can also wear a skirt even though we fought to wear pants because that is your choice.
I will never get over how people put their kids to bed at 7. It's pretty common but I couldn't put my kids down when it is still broad day light.
My 9 year old needs 12 hours of sleep every night and if he gets any less than that he gets depression and can't focus in school. So therefore, since he has to wake up at 6:30 in the morning, he goes to bed at 6:30 at night. Google how much sleep do 9 year olds need and it will say 9 to 12 hours. Don't be so quick to judge parents just based on the bedtime they have. @@Christina-sf4py
I felt the same until I saw the unholy terror my younger son turns into when he’s overtired 😂 Kids are nuts.
In the late 1940s and early fifties I was put to bed at six. I rarely saw my mother, who worked full time.
@@carolyearsley that is kinda really sad. I'm sorry you missed out on time with your mom. I was raised by my grandparents so they were able to be home more. 6 o'clock is just now dinner time. I would never be able to get everything done before putting kids to bed at 6
@@kimberlyhemminger3822 Thank you for responding. Yes, we were never close, right up until her death. Thankfully, there were a few other adults in my life, teachers, neighbors, and other family, who made me feel valued. It was fortunate that you had your caring grandparents, with some good memories, I'm sure.
Thank you so much it was very helpful 💖
👏👏👏 Good choice! I do not regret staying home with my kids, even though I have a teaching degree. You might enjoy following Suzanne Venker - she talks a lot about prioritizing love and relationships.
I was a stay at home mom until my son went into first grade. My daufhter was in third grade. I loved being a stay at home mom. Fortunately at that time my husband made enough money so I was able to do this. When i went to work it was at the school my kids attended. Its sad that moms or dads dont really have the choice to stay at home because of the cost of living, raising a family etc
I didn’t know there’s a stigma. Do what ever makes you happy.
Thanks for this perspective, i wanna embrace my feminine side but I hate that i associate femininity with toxic religion. Feminism means having CHOICE, not any particular expression of gender.
hi, why do you associate femininity with religion?
I love the storytelling and your swearing and all that. I did get a bit dizzy from the video editing but I love the idea of the sandpaper torture device you mentioned!
Great insight! ❤
Both my brothers were SAHDs. They were freelancers; their wives had the health insurance. So when I had kids, I had framed being a stay-at-home parent in economic terms, not gender roles. At my kids’ bus stop there were also a lot of dads. I believe that unpaid labor is still labor, and that raising children is the most important job someone can do. In my ideal world, both parents get to work part-time and raise kids part-time.
Unfortunately, American society still doesn’t see it that way. The IRS and the banks and health insurance companies wanted to call me a “dependent”; I saw myself as a “business partner.” When we got divorced, I saw alimony as severance pay, or him buying out my share of the business. It pisses me off that US culture still sees alimony and child support as some kind of free income that is undeserved and not earned. [Unfortunately for me, my ex-husband, atheist, former Catholic, watched the Kavanaugh hearings and thought, “oh yeah! That’s the real me! Misogynist AH all-boys Catholic school grad, just like Brett! Time to be an AH to my wife!”]
I do recommend that all stay-at-home parents open a Spousal IRA and max it out. And go to billthepatriarchy.com and add up ALL the skills and roles you perform-household CEO, CFO, CAO, tutor, therapist, lifeguard. You’re on call 24/7-you get paid while on call. Add it up and keep track. And if your spouse pulls some “well, I’m the one bringing in revenue” BS, bill ‘em. It’ll be a 6 figure salary.
How are Mormon women who can't have children viewed? Are they rare? I m asking this question since it is becoming such a common issue
Good. Children are the priority. Being a working mom can be made to work. But children are the priority.
The thing about modern couples is that they can decide for themselves how they want their family to work. 1 child. Two children. No children. Two working parents, one working parent, dad at home, mom at home, both at home. One parent. Two moms. It's your choice in many ways. But I understand the need to rebel at all costs as a former Mormon woman.
I see you Alyssa ! 🥰
Staying at home because that is what works for you and for your family is _very_ different from staying at home because some religion tells you to. You do you. You don’t need to follow the Mormon church in inverse any more than you need to follow it in the direct manner.
You did the right thing
If it's your decision, and you can afford it, then it's the right one for you.
I would love to hear your story on cults to consciousness. She's an ex Mormon that does a lot of interviewing of X Mormons and exposes the way things were and are and y'all really educate people in living in a legal cult. Also how they all got free.
Well, why not work parttime, and your husband too... I work 3.5 days and my husband 4.5, we only need 2 days of daycare, and we both have time with our children the other days, our kids get the benefit of spending quality time with mom, and dad, and also the benefit of daycare and the social skills they acquire there with friends... pretty normal in the Netherlands.
⚘
Being a stay at home mom or dad is awesome, as long as its the persons choice to do it.
My problem with it is when a woman is expected to do it just because shes a woman. Thats not ok. But if she wants to do so, great!
My husband and I agreed, if we ever manage to have a kid (Its not likely I can carry to term) he will stay home. I make more than he does, enough we can comfortably live off of and raise a child on just my income. My husband loves domestic stuff - he does all the cooking and cleaning since he works part time and I dont. He likes it. I hate it. Id be awful as a stay at home parent and hate it, and my husband would love it and be amazing at it.
Its cool that you are in a position to be a stay at home mom, and I think its sad that so many households have both parents working nowadays. Theres absolutely nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom or dad!
I love for you that you got out of the pendulum that was so tied to the mormon church. I personally think that in society it is still too much the norm that women stay home and for men it’s often seen less of a problem that they don’t see their child that much. A good individual decision might not be best for societal growth and vice versa. But also not everything can be “perfect” because there simply is no such thing as perfect feminism. Making a choice that feels right for you can also be a feminist thing. So: Just wanted to pour some thoughts in, I’m happy for you that you can detangle your experience from the church and feel true joy now.
Edit: Since you wrote a book and make videos which I guess you earn a bit of money on you are not putting yourself in financial dependency.
1971 at age 23 fell in lust with Mormon girl from Spansh Fork. Attended Ricks, temple marriage, son, on to BYU and then her parents spirit her away. As an elder its my fault, never found out what. Found myself divorced. Returned to my family, finished BS in Accounting. Purchased Faberware percolator, case of Heineken, ltr of Ex-comm. arrived. A turbulent 10 yrs. Narragansett Bay
I feel the same way
Being a sahm is NOT " turning your back" on feminism. Raising children is the most important and powerful job you can have.
"The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world." Governments know that.
My brother decided he didn’t want kids early on in life and always managed to meet women that didn’t want children. Neither his first wife or his second wife. I think due to our conservative Christian Protestant upbringing, I think he felt like children were too much of a burden. My mom only had two children but I think the way she felt stressed trying to be the perfect mother and the responsibilities put on him as a man, I think he felt it was too much. I’m glad some people still embrace parenthood. I always thought I would have children. And it is unfortunate I never did.
I would call this a revelation, of the best kind.
I'm glad found out what's most right for you! ❤
Feminism is all about choice and I'm glad you dared to do what's right for you.
I worked at a free legal help for 4 years and the only thing I hope you might consider, is that you and your husband start a pension fund for you.
A prenup is also much recommended, it's better to agree on the fair split of assets while you guys are not in conflict. I'm guessing you would be under Utah law, if that's where your marriage licence was issued, but no matter how their divorce laws are there, a prenup is always recommended.
I hope you don't take offence to this. It has nothing to do with you or your relationship, it's just a good idea all around and something I passionately recommend to everyone.❤❤
This is definitely one of the more annoying traits in “ex mos”, the exmo urge to do the exact opposite of everything they’ve been taught or believed even a year ago. I fully get why you guys do it, it’s just hard to talk to ppl who are now just programmed in the complete opposite way, but the person doesn’t see at all they’re programmed. It’s an interesting & understandable situation.
Hmm, I don't think it's about being programmed the opposite way. Let's describe exactly what it is. Outright rebellion, and, like you, I completely understand it. ♥️♥️
You get to cherry-pick! Pick the parts you like, leave the ones you don't like. That's freedom.
I had a similar recognition with femininity as a teenager. As a kid, I had identified as a 'tomboy' because I didn't like 'girly' girls who were mean and didn't want to be my friends, so I wanted to be different from them, always steering away from what was popular. When I got out of that school and away from my bullies, I eventually started to wear or do some feminine things too, if I liked them.
Why would that be stigmatized? Feminists get a ton wrong, there’s nothing wrong with being at home with your small children. Who else is going to raise them like their own parents?
You sound like a broken record. It’s really sad. It’s stigmatized when you think that you have a superior lifestyle and then abuse and misguide your own kids in laughable “homeschools”, some aren’t even accredited. Look into Ruby Franke. That’s why it’s a stigma 🙄.
@@Jkejhjklmg1485 I home schooled my youngest child, and he has a Masters degree now.
Well, I believe it is almost impossible to work and be a young-children mom in US; in EU you would get free daycare, healthcare, shorten workday and additional paid leave - especially as a public school teacher you would get a lot of help, in addition to the previously mentioned... If living in US is not very important for you, I would recommend to check possibilities in working and living e.g. in Poland or Czech (many schools seek for English native-speakers)
I'm an ex-mormon and I was a stay at home mom and if I could be a stay at home mom again, I would because my husband is a terrible stay at home dad. 😅
I am ex JW and expecting my first son and I work from he for a customer call center
As a fellow ex JW, while there are some similarities, I do think it's a bit different. Marrying young, having a lot of kids and staying home with them seems to be really pushed on Mormon women.
It's not for JWs, marrying young does happen, but it's often counciled against (the scripture about how you should be past the bloom of youth was quoted a lot), and having big families is not encouraged, putting your spiritual goals first was.
I never felt like I was expected to get married, and I knew a lot of Sisters who remained happily single, whereas all the ex MOs I've known felt like marriage was their only option.
If you did get married and have kids it was seen as optimal if mom could stay home with them, but (at least where I lived) it was never seen as bad if that wasn't possible.
I will say that I haven't been to a meeting in maybe 12 years, so it is possible that it has changed a lot since I left!
@@amandabaker4678 my guardian actually literally had arrange for me to get married and so I left literally 2 days before I was supposed to be baptized and 1 year before the date of my marriage
I feel like this requires no explanation whatsoever. You don't have to be a Mormon to be a stay-at-home mom. I've always been a little baffled by women, or men for that matter, who wouldn't want to be stay at home parent if they had the opportunity. There's this attitude that being a stay-at-home parent means you don't have a life and working should be the main thing your life is focused on, but thats bullshit. It is possible to be a stay-at-home parent while having a social life and there are lots of better places to derive meeting from then a job.
some people genuinely hate the idea of staying home all the time and would rather have a career and family. there's nothing wrong with that, as long as people are making their own choices, which isn't always the case when they belong to a high demand religion.
**do the opposite ** - resonates so strongly with my experience and process of leaving the church. It took a while to find the happy middle ground between "be ye therefore perfect" (impossible for anyone) and punk rock outrage!
I'm a evangelical Christian living in Australia and am a stay at home mum. Because I can, and because I want to. It's not the norm in Australia at all, no matter what your faith is. All women work here.
Not true that “all women work here”… almost none of the mothers in my (fairly large) church community have paid jobs. Even outside the church I know a lot of stay at home mums. I guess it depends on where in Australia you live and socioeconomic status. Most of my circle are working class young parents who would make any sacrifice to keep their kids out of daycare.
From my time working in daycares I noticed that older mothers with established high income careers were much more likely to have their kids in daycare and for longer hours.
I didn’t know she was a mom 😅
You live in NYC. I know women with master's degrees who live in NYC and don't work outside the home because daycare in NYC is too expensive.
I’ve spoken to many women who feel this way.
Does your husband miss the kids while he works all day? (I’m a parent! I just don’t understand the missing your kid during the working day idea). Would it not be best for both of you to work part time and parent part time?
Why is an oxymoron? Tons of non-Mormon moms stay at home. I didn't like being home the time I tried it but it's far from just a Mormon thing
You're gonna have a second shock of culture from your two children who are born and raised in NY. 🤣🤣🤣
They moved back to Texas.
Being a mom is easy than working out at a construction job. Facts
nothing wrong with stay at home !
Nothing wrong with being a SAHM but Alyssa aren't you a WAHM? Either way is beautiful but don't discount the part of you that produces this content!
A feminist and a stay-at-home-mom are not exclusive. You can be both!
Ok, but feminism IS the idea that you get to choose. It’s about freedom for women in the sense that you don’t have to be any one thing. Or that you aren’t limited. It isn’t saying you can’t BE something but that you don’t HAVE to be that thing. You get to choose. And the MOST anti-**insert name of high control group here** that you can do is be control of your choices. To know in your heart that you chose something because it was what was right for you NOT because someone else told you that you had to.
(And also that by allowing women that choice, we allow men that choice…. Because we don’t bar anyone from being something by saying it’s the only thing a different gender can do.
Why is Stay At Home Mom a controversial or contradictory thing? Lots of non Mormons are SAHMs 🤷🏻♂️
stay at home with your kids !!
Maybe the church is not so Bad, after all
You haven’t mentioned your husband’s income; that will surely be a consideration.
A bit of a stretch
this makes a lot of sense but in my opinion i don’t think having religion or not having religion correlates with being a stay at home mom or not
it actually does. religion often encourages women to be stay at home mothers.
@@chlyri 😐you can literally be an atheist and be a stay at home mom. this woman’s whole content revolves around being an ex mormon and she doesn’t seem to detach from it. i get she found her niche or wtv but it seems like a cry for help
I think it doesn’t necessarily correlate, but there’s an additional pressure with many religions and communities. Today most people need a dual income to be able to live the sort of lives they want, but many communities still expect the man to provide and the woman to stay and look after the home. Stay at home dads and working mums are often looked down upon and churches can be judgey. Even if no one follows that expectation, there’s still an aura of guilt about.
@@careforjusticealways correlation doesn't mean it's the cause. more stay at home moms aren't religiously influenced, but that doesn't mean only religious women are stay at home moms.
@@chlyri correlation means suck my ass idk
You own your choices now. Let go of your trauma. I know easier said than done. But do the trauma work which i am sure you are.