Recently I had to realize my brain is hiding 15 years of childhood trauma from me. All of a sudden some long forgotten memories appeared, showing me a part of my past. No heavy emotions yet, just images. I expect more to come and I'm scared because we're running low on therapists, but I also "know" my brain is not giving me more than what I can handle at a time. Your videos have been very helpful in the past weeks for me - please keep on doing them! UA-cam is basically the only help I have.
Thank so much. Just starting our journeys. Such a swirl if feelings and persons when we began to re alive. I will show you to my therapist. All very helpful.
Omg! I’m halfway through the video, and you just said something that explains everything about why we are terrible at coping even with normal, daily stressors! Mind blown! It’s common sense, but we never would have thought of it. We have no practice coping, like other people. If our brains are immediately dissociating out even normal stressors, our brain is not learning how to cope with them. You have no idea how helpful this is for us. We always thought we were just a weak asshole who never learned from our struggles. This explains so much of our daily limitations. Thank you so much! This was particularly enlightening. It’s exactly why we watch your channel. Bravo for helping traumatized people. 👏👏👏
This was me last week, telling my therapist that I wanted to send all the parts back into the dark place in my head. I was so much more functional when I had no emotions and didn’t know about the parts.
This is exactly where I am in therapy. I have DID and am 49years old, and all of the sudden I found myself faced with literally everything painful that’s ever happened to me, including very recent things . It seems as though every time something bad happened to me it automatically was dissociated into an altar, and as my dissociative barriers naturally started coming down I just got flooded with all of it .I am really discouraged and feeling hopeless because I can’t imagine ever being able to deal with all of that pain. A video on techniques to manage this would be really helpful.
Have you heard of a book called, "Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation: Skills Training For Patients And Therapists"? I'm reading it now. I think it will be a valuable resource
I have had huge amounts of this issue. As I gain access to not only memories but the feelings from the I have gone through overwhelming storms of emotion that take me hours or days to work through and carefully process. In addition my dad is dying, which gives me all these more current feelings. I have been feeling more dissociative, more emotional, more off balance, and have been fighting the urge to denigrate myself for "my lack of real progress." This has been extremely timely for me to hear. Thank you.
A few months ago we figured out that the dissociation was literally constant. The first time one of us was truly grounded, they cried through most of the night and had to let the dissociation back in to sleep. It sucked but it was an important first step. We all practice that skill to different degrees. We're not dissociated ALL the time anymore, even if we still dissociate most of the time. One step forward. This has been very much It Gets Worsw Before It Gets Better, but it IS getting better. Dissociation sometimes feels preferable, but we're getting there. Eventually the past emotions will be worked through and the present emotions won't feel so overwhelming
Nearly crying at work over this video. I’ve been REALLY struggling as someone who is finally in a safe environment, with a good support network and therapy - I’ve started having a lot less dissociation and switching has been a lot less. I thought it was progress (based of this video it is) but I honestly have been feeling TERRIBLE! I thought something was wrong with how I was managing it and I’ve just felt terribly overwhelmed by both my emotions day to day and having a lot more processing/PTSD stuff come up. This video is so validating.
We have definitely noticed that we can't reduce dissociation too fast, because otherwise we have flashbacks alllll the time. Especially feeling the body is really difficult, but also just knowing who's fronting can give us surprise intrusions of traumatic memories we weren't ready for😅. It can be really frustrating for our system, since we want to be awake and aware so desperately. But we're having to learn that we still need to build capacity to hold more awareness
I cried for like 5 months straight before my diagnosis and it was so confusing because everything in life seemed to be going well so I didn't understand why I couldn't stop crying. After being diagnosed I realized my system felt like now was the best time to make me aware. Been in therapy for it for almost a yr now and have had to quit my job again cause I started breaking down again. Your videos explain things so well. It really helps to know that this is all a normal part of the process. Thank you!!
This is around the stage I'm at right now... It's becoming more & more apparent that I have some sort of OSDD/DID phenomenon taking place, although my therapist avoids labels due to stigma & not wanting to freak me out [honestly, the lack of clarity is MORE unnerving, but I digress]. Two months ago, I went really heavy into the job search because I was finally at a point where my physical & mental health could handle it... And just as everything was kicking off, I broke. Two weeks of absolute dissociative shutdown followed by the past two months of rapid fire developments taking place. It's dizzying...
Watching this made me realise why I'm falling back into blackouts after getting so far into therapy. I'm feeling things so much more intensely and I don't know how to cope so I've reverted back to heavy dissociation. I'm not quite sure where to go from here though, just have to keep practicing I guess. Thankyou for all the resources you provide, it's been extremely helpful for me.
Your therapist should be explaining to you how to use stabilization techniques to manage the small emotions in the day without switching, how to make a plan for being massively triggered, and how to positively USE dissociation to titrate your emotions to prevent being flooded. Look for techniques on all of this by Kluft, Lowenstein, Twombly, and Fisher. Well-trained trauma therapists can do this. Don't try this alone at home.
I think it can be a problem if you don't have a well trained trauma therapist where you live. In my city there is nothing. And my last one basically did 1 year exposure without stabilization first.... The next bigger city is around 100 miles away and I have no car. And I'm going in and out of 2 different ego states. ( I'm between c-ptsd and DID ) and I have no control whatsoever. And I don't know how I'm supposed to feel non dissociated. So I'm happy about anything that can help. Because it's videos or no help at that point. 😅
You know, books like Bethany Brand's "Finding Solid Ground Workbook" could be amazing for you! Very gentle, not very triggering for a lot of people, and very practical ideas to make life better. You may be able to work with someone online. A highly skilled online therapist beats a poorly skilled in-person therapist almost all of the time. Janina Fisher has some affordable YT videos. She also has some monographs on her website for free that are part of her great (but expensive) book. Good luck!
Oh my goodness this made so much sense. I just wrote up: Less Dissociation=More Emotions on a post-it note. We go in and out of this as it is only today that we start with a new psychologist(the global shortage is a mind field with trying to get help). We have been stuck in the stabilization stage for so many years, and are about to see how it works with this new chap. Thank you as always for your helpful videos that help make sense of it all.
This makes so much sense to me. An app running in the background...instead of information security it is emotional security. I love how you explained that. Also, thank you for letting us know ahead of time that this might happen. I would rather know than be surprised.
This channel is such an incredibly useful resource, thank you so much CTAD for existing in the first place but also putting these resources out there for those of us who maybe had therapy previously but are now coping alone, or are not able to access therapy. Currently I'm using these videos to help ground and guide me through an intensely acute period of dissociation following a traumatic event in adulthood and it's just so validating to have a video chatting away to me telling me 'yes we know what this is, we work with it all the time, yes working through it is possible despite how horrendous it feels'. Thank you so much.
Oh GOD! The pain is terrible for me. I'm moving away from disassociating, which is hard as I've been doing it for years and the pain is awful. Now, the emotions from the past and they are agonising to cope with. But, on the plus side, I feel real and life is becoming easier.
This is what happened with us but at the time i had no idea what was going on and when my current emotions all came flooding back it was overload central. Before you knew it we had relapsed majorly again. We ended up losing our therapist because he couldn't handle the intensity of what we were feeling and kinda never found my way back since then. I usually do find every day emotions are still usually too much so i find disassociation usually is the only thing what keeps us from doing extreme stuff but we are stuck now. I'm too unstable for therapy currently but then I can't seem to find any stability at all in my life or around us at all. So i just found that I'm existing and miserable nowadays and stuck
In that state, I would try to find a recovery group, even one that doesn't suit your problems. Any kind of support group you can get to that sparks the tiniest interest to you. I am a big believer in the power held by community in recovery. We inspire each other, we see each other, we understand each other. I never know what doors will open for me when I join a new group, but I always learn something, and it always helps me. I hope you find what can help you.
Really interesting, very helpful. I agree current emotions compounding with past ones makes it hard. While I want to be able to process emotions better in real time, I also think my Parts are like my travelogue of my past, and they feel like friends and fellow-travellers a bit, not sure I want to lose them altogether. Thank you! I appreciate your videos. :)
I was diagnosed in 2008 but my C-PTSD was stated but not explained so I walked away thinking it was no big deal. I was told I couldn't process long term memory hence my inability to remember most of my life (good or bad) most of what sticks is the bad, and I went on with my life. The woman who diagnosed me fell off the map so I started researching on my own a few years ago. Something happened this year that sent me into a tailspin. I realized that none of my old tricks were working. I tried to find a therapist and no one in my state is properly trained. I ran across your channel this morning. This short video explains what I feel like has been happening since September. I suppose time will tell. All this to say thank you.
This is very helpful! As always, you make sense of what is happening. Which makes it more doable and a little bit easier to keep up hope and trust that it will work out and calm down in the end. Thank you! The bit about having missed a lot of 'practice time' for (some) emotions because they always get dissociated really resonates with me, that makes so much sense! I find that I experience a lot more emotions now that I am well into the therapy (though still phase 1). The most difficult about that, apart from having emotions and intensity that I never experienced before, is having contradicting emotions at the same time. Something happens, and it makes one part of me calm/happy but another part anxious or furious. I cannot seem to contain both at the same time, they are 2 separate worlds that are both 100% true. And I can only manage 1 truth at a time...
Same for me. On October 29th it marks two years since my first therapy session. I just entered phase two according to the doc and I just experienced my first flash back/panic attack last night. This video was extremely relevant and timely for me.
I also meant to add that you explained the experience of having two or three emotions at the same time as only being able to handle one at a time. Very accurate for me too. Thanks for this excellent t description. :)
Wow, this is amazing stuff! It makes so much sense, i really feel kinda stupid not thinking of this before at all the times at had to deal with it. It would have made it so much easier to understand my selves. Then again, i lacked some of the memories needed to realize how damaged i really was. I used to think i was like everybody else, just a little worse in leading a normal life and even in doing everyday stuff.
we've noticed this ourselves as we've progressed, getting "better" was hard in some ways cause it felt worse, we actually had to get on antidepressants as we learned to be more grounded because we don't know how to deal with life yet. It's been weird, but we're making progress and I try to encourage myself with that. some days we dissociate and that's ok, but we're at least trying and that's yeah. Really experiencing life though is crazy and so so cool to finally get to see/feel/be in
This video just gave me an incredible amount of hope. I think I might be in such a phase where everything feels worse because things are getting better and that is a big relief.
Thank you 🙏 this has made a lot of sense. The last 2 weeks my thought process is deeper, I'm actually "thinking"😆 my body is obviously remembering things that I have total amnesia on. These "new" emotions are way too overwhelming and I have this really heavy feeling of knowing. Knowing what, I dont know but I think something is coming to the surface. Maybe nothing will happen but it's there. Its scary but necessary if I want to heal. 🙏
We are looking for therapy now, primarily because the host has difficulty recognizing his emotional state in the moment, so far we are practicing being vulnerable to help somewhat
As a person who has DID And am working with Disability to start work with DVR towards more schooling online and maybe get an education leaning towards DID. Im very much enjoying your channel and work.
We have dabbled in trauma exploration in therapy but it's been rare. We are still early in the recovery process so it's good to know what we might expect, but the few instances of being overwhelmed with historical or current emotional experiences were awful.
Thank you! We described this experience over a year ago with: "There is coming so much life and overwhelm and terror at the same time." We`ve come so far the last two years and can`t manage all these emotions every time, but we get better in it. In the meantime for us the dissociation feels worse than the overwhelming feelings, becaus of all the life and being present comes with it, if that makes sense. This video gave us validation, we are on the right path, thank you!
Been dealing with intense intense emotions around a recent rejection, and after having depersonalization for the last 8 years, I've been searching fora way to process this pain! This video helped, I feel less alone now.
This is a very timely video. I didn't expect this with myself because I used to challenge dissociation and now recently I've actually ASKED alters to try and block out troubling events in a strategic way (as in, when there wouldn't be obvious or immediate consequences for doing so). Now I think about it it reminds me a little too much of a recovering alcoholic making excuses for imbibing 'just this once.' :/
Sometimes organising dissociation in this way does help, especially for unavoidable things. Sounds like you have some excellent collaboration available!
@@thectadclinic Oh, thank you! That's actually very helpful to know. In this case I got into a fight with a shoplifter so I didn't think it was a very useful memory to keep. (Not that I don't write everything down anyway just in case)
Now I understand what I have been struggling with. I need to let myself practice dealing with my emotions and why I feel so scared a lot of the time. Thank you. Not easy, but baby steps and I can make progress.
Its called an activated Amygdala these doctors live within a confirmation bias collective illusion that only the cortex matters That's why they cant figure out what Autism, is .because its nothing to do with the cortex the correct medication that deactivates the Amygdala is LSD These are all autistic people FEELING Love and attachment Which is really a large Oxytocin release, Does Oxytocin (Attachment) release with an activated Amygdala ? No, if you have an activated Amygdala then you will never FEEL an Oxytocin release , you get a very small release in sex and that's it Which is why Autistic people can become sex pests in relationships Normal people are permanently in a Oxytocin release state every minute of thier life , that's they attach and feel like they belong The cortex is just a delusion machine, it does nothing at all really except imagine words that you can over associate with and IMAGINE your not terrified Watch your brain when you first wake up 1 first instance you imagine, hate, anger, frustration run away and hide everything is crap 2 Then you open your mouth and start to "talk to your self" Society and the collective illusion all our cortexes exist within create a narrative that we use and copy to motivate ourselves to overcome the fear "come you can do it" , "its alright" "we going to have fun today" and so on , Obviously some are better programmed than others , but I stress this is the incorrect programming's, Its actually slavery programming, "putting on a brave face" does not help you in any way shape or form, it just makes you a productive slave and the slavers hate it when the livestock become unproductive to Autism So they created a system where the autistics are sacrificed and have to "bear thier cross" and "wear thier crown of thorns (thought process)" Gurdjeff, start their Or LSD YOU CANNOT BE ON SSRI's they disconnect the noise brain from the emotional brain This means on SSRI's you cant FEEL anything, you have had your emotions removed , you are an insect with a thought process Very dangerous to come off SSRI's so Look at the UA-cam people putting the videos on how to do it the most comfortable way Its disgracefully that any doctor or pharmacist give to them to anyone ua-cam.com/video/7I0vkKy504U/v-deo.html They banned our medication and took our emotions away
Thanks for another great video, Dr Lloyd! I think it's helped me to realise some related matters too. I went to therapy for 3 years after being diagnosed with CPTSD (I wasn't diagnosed with DID/OSDD, but am suspecting it now!). My therapist and I focused mainly on managing the depression and anxiety, which did help, and I learned some new skills to combatting those problems. But after the therapy I went back to dissociating and suddenly forgetting how to handle things, despite the therapy I'd gone through. I tried to delve into the matters myself with intense self-exploration but I found it only made the confusion, anxiety, and amnesia worse. I thought maybe it's because I failed my previous therapy. But maybe it's just because I didn't realise there were other parts that also needed to be taught on how to manage their emotions and trauma? I'm going back to therapy in a month to see if I'm right. :)
Like always, we appreciate very much the information. We're on this stage of life where feeling and remembering feels like too much but somehow we're managing. Thought we were going backwards, but no 😅, it's a normal part of the process (It sucks tho)
These videos help me cultivate self love and compassion in general, more than any other resource I've used. I allow emotions much more frequently and have an immensely bigger understanding of what is happening to me. Thank you.
We've never watched a more pertinent and better-timed video in our lives!! Thank you so so so so so so so very much. Your videos have brought about more good than you will ever know. Thank you for doing this work!!!
Thank you for this video! I had no idea that what I’ve been experiencing is dissociation. I had such a negative reaction in counseling that I collapsed and had dark negative thoughts. It was so bad for me that it negatively affected my work where I had to step down from a job that I enjoyed. I finally have a grasp on how I need to heal to get back on my feet 🙏
Everyone needs to hear this, wow! I started dissociating on purpose as a coping mechanism. I realized I needed to stop, and over the next few months I began to have more “classic” signs of anxiety like heart palpitations and feelings of anxiety. This video+ a diagram of the flight fight response explains it all. Think of a graph going up, but with many ups and downs. The center point is “true relaxation” which humans aren’t usually at. Then you go up to what we consider relaxed, increasing anxiety, a tiger is chasing me right now….and then the graph plumments back down as you become so anxious that you become depressed/dissociated For me, finding relaxation means I have to go backwards on the graph. Up from dissociation into fight-flight mode, then I can go back down to relaxed.
Wowwwww..... this is whatttt im goingggg through rnnn.... i think im getting better from dissociation ... because im practicing a response to my dissociative symptoms and 2 weeks into practice i feel like my mind has drifted further away from reality like ive gotten further from being grounded and its scary.. but the past is hittng hard and i wanted to knowww y this cud be d answer y i feel worst.... this is soooo helpful...
Thank you for sharing this, it really speaks to me in a way that makes so much sense. Your compassionate way of explaining/understanding helped me/us feel less confused (less like I’ve failed) and a little more compassionate to ourselves and understanding of why life can feel so overwhelming.
I live in nz getting kicked out of my treatment hospital and I listen to you all the time I so wish you could be my therapist you get me I feel so misunderstood and no way gets D I D or dissociation at all I n so scared and list I get blamed and people don’t see it as something you have to go through or experience for first time at all. They think simple as grounding so I stay in one functional kind of adult part
I really enjoy your videos. Please consider leaving up the text that you put on the screen longer. It's difficult to process what you're saying as well as the text before it goes away. (I understand that it is usually in reference to what you're actually saying, but that's not always the case.) Thank you!
Thank you so much for how timely this is! I'd love to see more videos about the unexpected parts of therapy. I'm lucky to have found a lot of clinical concepts and language to help me understand a lot of ptsd symptoms better, but so much has changed for me in therapy that it's hard to make sense of what's been feeling good, what's been feeling bad, and what the heck is happening lol
@@thectadclinic you’re welcome please keep up the amazing content. We don’t see many psychologists or psychiatrists making content specifically for dissociative disorders and so thank you very much for helping systems like ours understand the disorder better and your videos also help spread awareness about Dissociative Disorders so awesome job Dr Mike.
Thank you! It might be difficult at first, to see that strong emotions are a progress. But it is hopeful, a beginning of a new way to experience life. And also good to have that well established relationship with a therapist who can walk with you in the process, in the "ups and downs". Hope. For real.
I find it difficult that we only seem to be able to feel a variety of emotions when we are actually in the therapy room with the therapist, but not at home. The therapy room is a safe place and the fact that we are not alone with those feelings seems to help. Yet as soon as we leave the place the numbness comes back and we feel very "empty" and hollow. I really don't know how to change that. :(
This is how I feel about being single. Those romantic or intimate feelings are dormant and thereby easy to handle but dating can awaken them so I don't do it anymore
what about people who feel emotions even when dissociated. it never fully blocks the feelings your brain just goes "ok lifes an illusion. Good luck, you can't feel your legs and youre at work. figure it out" how you're percieving things as a dream which actually itself is quite anxiety producing. (cost me a job from panic attacks)
Love these videos! Find them to ring very true. The only thing I'd change is lighting lol which means the content is great. If you put your face to the light instead of from the side then people will connect with your facial expressions and gestures. It's not just cosmetic. If you use natural light just turn the desk parallel to the windows and sit facing the light. Thanks for your videos! =)
Yes feels awful and therapist disappeared just as this was happening. 2 years still waiting for therapist I'm getting on, isolated, totally disillusioned, memory recovery and just plodding on realising I've never learnt to mother myself. How does anyone get proper support (and not more trauma from statutory services). Ive been on this road over 30 years and hadnt even realised I was dissociated or the level of abuse
I am now struggling with a kind of pervasive low level dissociation which I seem to be in about 70% of my waking hours. This is totally different than the strong dissociation episodes which I experienced before. I discussed this with my shrink that maybe it wasn't really dissociation, but something else. He listened to me but said he didn't know what else it could be? Any suggestions?
If you feel okay answering this, can I ask what the pervasive low level dissociation looks like? I'm kind of wondering if I've been stuck I'm something like this lately too.
@@Kitteh413 Certainly, it's a feeling of buzziness in my head, a pressure that I feel in my brain. I am present but not totally. I can carry out full conversations, but later those conversations are a bit difficult to recall. Hope it helps...is this what you are going through
Dr Mike, would you be able to do a video on neurofeedback specifically for did/osdd? The way I've heard it explained is that it can lower dissociative barriers? Is this something you use or have experience with? Also, thankyou so much for all the work you do, and make publicly accessible. It's so appreciated.
Thank you for another wonderfully educational video, Mike! Would you happen to know of any psychiatrists/clinics in the Netherlands who are specialized in treating OSDD/DID? We are struggling to find anyone who is willing to take us on as a patient...
@The CTAD Clinic It can trigger some victims, esp if they were Ritually Abused or there was blood or colored liquid they called blood at the scene of the abuse. My abuser was definitely using the color red and or red lights. The memory is there even though it doesn't totally trigger me but I rather not be around the color red.
I wish so much that we had understood this might happen before we left therapy……. I have supportive friends but Wasn’t prepared for it to be this overwhelming and yes can it just all go back to where it was before please LOL
My feelings (and memories) are locked up. My younger parts are holding and bad and good. That gives me a thought being an empty schelf, with no wrinkles outside and deep heavy underneath storms. My first emotion to feel was/is overwhelming sadness about what's happened to me, and self compassion for all tortured pieces of me. Tears soften in a way, inner criticism as a rain soften a desert. There is no inner growth without self love and self compassion.
Minor nit here, would you mind leaving your popup phrases up a little longer, I'm a fast reader but as a person w dissociation its hard to pay attention to both your words and the words on the screen and they go away too quickly.
I don't understand how anyone can possibly get better (especially in the hyperindividualistic world/society today where the collective is essentially a narcissistic abuser). Life is hard enough and crushing as it is (completely whole and with all your faculties in tact). Any small part that might be recovered would just be flooded and crushed by the present, past, and/or future and/or neutralized by one of the other parts (in serious enough cases). If the only outer-life is a person's job (doesn't matter self-employed, business, or frankly unemployed, given that this condition is completely debilitating), what?.. I just don't understand. How is it possible to treat/help, frankly ANYBODY?.. Who actually gets better?.. Maybe if you have existential depression and find purpose and connection in life, you can pull yourself out. I don't know...
Sorry to hear you feel like this - people can and do feel better, have enriching lives and find purpose and enjoyment in life. Yes, the world can be harsh, but it is also filled with beauty and support. Hopefully you get to this point!
@@thectadclinic I mean, even with the world aside, purely even internally (as in the nature of this condition), I don't see how it's possible to get better with treatment unless things were still relatively good on the outside (with significant others who knew you well, supported, and positively regarded you, as in the past). I'm not looking to argue. The purpose of not saying about is actually that I want to be wrong and I'm hoping to be convinced otherwise.
Most of us need professional help to find and connect with the part of us that kept going and survived tremendous abuse and neglect. THAT is the part that will bring the rest of ourselves along on the painful journey. THAT is the part that woke up every day and made the best of a living nightmare. And THAT is the part that can connect with the little's hopes and the adolescent part's power to fight and stand up for what is right. Hearing the stories of people that made/make a life out of no life is motivating. Connect with a community that focuses on growth while honestly saying the truth of how difficult it is to live with DID.
Recently I had to realize my brain is hiding 15 years of childhood trauma from me. All of a sudden some long forgotten memories appeared, showing me a part of my past. No heavy emotions yet, just images. I expect more to come and I'm scared because we're running low on therapists, but I also "know" my brain is not giving me more than what I can handle at a time. Your videos have been very helpful in the past weeks for me - please keep on doing them! UA-cam is basically the only help I have.
Glad they are helping, hope you do ok
@@thectadclinic Made it this far, no chance I'm gonna stop now.
Try Nam myoho renge kyo. Chanting
Thank so much. Just starting our journeys. Such a swirl if feelings and persons when we began to re alive. I will show you to my therapist. All very helpful.
@@MyopiaInnersight Focusing is good.
Omg! I’m halfway through the video, and you just said something that explains everything about why we are terrible at coping even with normal, daily stressors! Mind blown! It’s common sense, but we never would have thought of it. We have no practice coping, like other people. If our brains are immediately dissociating out even normal stressors, our brain is not learning how to cope with them.
You have no idea how helpful this is for us. We always thought we were just a weak asshole who never learned from our struggles. This explains so much of our daily limitations.
Thank you so much! This was particularly enlightening. It’s exactly why we watch your channel. Bravo for helping traumatized people. 👏👏👏
Thank you!
This was me last week, telling my therapist that I wanted to send all the parts back into the dark place in my head. I was so much more functional when I had no emotions and didn’t know about the parts.
I think it is really hard when it feels like this!
This is exactly where I am in therapy. I have DID and am 49years old, and all of the sudden I found myself faced with literally everything painful that’s ever happened to me, including very recent things . It seems as though every time something bad happened to me it automatically was dissociated into an altar, and as my dissociative barriers naturally started coming down I just got flooded with all of it .I am really discouraged and feeling hopeless because I can’t imagine ever being able to deal with all of that pain. A video on techniques to manage this would be really helpful.
Have you heard of a book called, "Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation: Skills Training For Patients And Therapists"? I'm reading it now. I think it will be a valuable resource
That’s exactly what happened to me
I have had huge amounts of this issue. As I gain access to not only memories but the feelings from the I have gone through overwhelming storms of emotion that take me hours or days to work through and carefully process. In addition my dad is dying, which gives me all these more current feelings. I have been feeling more dissociative, more emotional, more off balance, and have been fighting the urge to denigrate myself for "my lack of real progress." This has been extremely timely for me to hear. Thank you.
A few months ago we figured out that the dissociation was literally constant. The first time one of us was truly grounded, they cried through most of the night and had to let the dissociation back in to sleep. It sucked but it was an important first step. We all practice that skill to different degrees. We're not dissociated ALL the time anymore, even if we still dissociate most of the time. One step forward. This has been very much It Gets Worsw Before It Gets Better, but it IS getting better. Dissociation sometimes feels preferable, but we're getting there. Eventually the past emotions will be worked through and the present emotions won't feel so overwhelming
Nearly crying at work over this video. I’ve been REALLY struggling as someone who is finally in a safe environment, with a good support network and therapy - I’ve started having a lot less dissociation and switching has been a lot less. I thought it was progress (based of this video it is) but I honestly have been feeling TERRIBLE! I thought something was wrong with how I was managing it and I’ve just felt terribly overwhelmed by both my emotions day to day and having a lot more processing/PTSD stuff come up. This video is so validating.
We have definitely noticed that we can't reduce dissociation too fast, because otherwise we have flashbacks alllll the time. Especially feeling the body is really difficult, but also just knowing who's fronting can give us surprise intrusions of traumatic memories we weren't ready for😅. It can be really frustrating for our system, since we want to be awake and aware so desperately. But we're having to learn that we still need to build capacity to hold more awareness
I cried for like 5 months straight before my diagnosis and it was so confusing because everything in life seemed to be going well so I didn't understand why I couldn't stop crying. After being diagnosed I realized my system felt like now was the best time to make me aware. Been in therapy for it for almost a yr now and have had to quit my job again cause I started breaking down again. Your videos explain things so well. It really helps to know that this is all a normal part of the process. Thank you!!
This is around the stage I'm at right now... It's becoming more & more apparent that I have some sort of OSDD/DID phenomenon taking place, although my therapist avoids labels due to stigma & not wanting to freak me out [honestly, the lack of clarity is MORE unnerving, but I digress]. Two months ago, I went really heavy into the job search because I was finally at a point where my physical & mental health could handle it... And just as everything was kicking off, I broke. Two weeks of absolute dissociative shutdown followed by the past two months of rapid fire developments taking place. It's dizzying...
Watching this made me realise why I'm falling back into blackouts after getting so far into therapy. I'm feeling things so much more intensely and I don't know how to cope so I've reverted back to heavy dissociation. I'm not quite sure where to go from here though, just have to keep practicing I guess. Thankyou for all the resources you provide, it's been extremely helpful for me.
you are most welcome!
Your therapist should be explaining to you how to use stabilization techniques to manage the small emotions in the day without switching, how to make a plan for being massively triggered, and how to positively USE dissociation to titrate your emotions to prevent being flooded. Look for techniques on all of this by Kluft, Lowenstein, Twombly, and Fisher. Well-trained trauma therapists can do this. Don't try this alone at home.
I think it can be a problem if you don't have a well trained trauma therapist where you live. In my city there is nothing. And my last one basically did 1 year exposure without stabilization first.... The next bigger city is around 100 miles away and I have no car. And I'm going in and out of 2 different ego states. ( I'm between c-ptsd and DID ) and I have no control whatsoever. And I don't know how I'm supposed to feel non dissociated. So I'm happy about anything that can help. Because it's videos or no help at that point. 😅
You know, books like Bethany Brand's "Finding Solid Ground Workbook" could be amazing for you! Very gentle, not very triggering for a lot of people, and very practical ideas to make life better. You may be able to work with someone online. A highly skilled online therapist beats a poorly skilled in-person therapist almost all of the time. Janina Fisher has some affordable YT videos. She also has some monographs on her website for free that are part of her great (but expensive) book. Good luck!
These are awesome resources, thank you!
Oh my goodness this made so much sense. I just wrote up: Less Dissociation=More Emotions on a post-it note. We go in and out of this as it is only today that we start with a new psychologist(the global shortage is a mind field with trying to get help). We have been stuck in the stabilization stage for so many years, and are about to see how it works with this new chap. Thank you as always for your helpful videos that help make sense of it all.
I love post-it notes!
This makes so much sense to me. An app running in the background...instead of information security it is emotional security. I love how you explained that. Also, thank you for letting us know ahead of time that this might happen. I would rather know than be surprised.
You are welcome!
This channel is such an incredibly useful resource, thank you so much CTAD for existing in the first place but also putting these resources out there for those of us who maybe had therapy previously but are now coping alone, or are not able to access therapy. Currently I'm using these videos to help ground and guide me through an intensely acute period of dissociation following a traumatic event in adulthood and it's just so validating to have a video chatting away to me telling me 'yes we know what this is, we work with it all the time, yes working through it is possible despite how horrendous it feels'. Thank you so much.
Oh GOD! The pain is terrible for me.
I'm moving away from disassociating, which is hard as I've been doing it for years and the pain is awful. Now, the emotions from the past and they are agonising to cope with.
But, on the plus side, I feel real and life is becoming easier.
This is what happened with us but at the time i had no idea what was going on and when my current emotions all came flooding back it was overload central. Before you knew it we had relapsed majorly again. We ended up losing our therapist because he couldn't handle the intensity of what we were feeling and kinda never found my way back since then. I usually do find every day emotions are still usually too much so i find disassociation usually is the only thing what keeps us from doing extreme stuff but we are stuck now. I'm too unstable for therapy currently but then I can't seem to find any stability at all in my life or around us at all. So i just found that I'm existing and miserable nowadays and stuck
In that state, I would try to find a recovery group, even one that doesn't suit your problems. Any kind of support group you can get to that sparks the tiniest interest to you. I am a big believer in the power held by community in recovery. We inspire each other, we see each other, we understand each other. I never know what doors will open for me when I join a new group, but I always learn something, and it always helps me. I hope you find what can help you.
I hope you can soon find someone who can be w/you, support you right where you’re at. You deserve that as you are.
@@wren1114where on are own so i doubt it will ever happen
Simply brilliant ! Thank you Dr Mike I’ve been trying to explain to others that progress often doesn’t look or feel like progress.
Really interesting, very helpful. I agree current emotions compounding with past ones makes it hard. While I want to be able to process emotions better in real time, I also think my Parts are like my travelogue of my past, and they feel like friends and fellow-travellers a bit, not sure I want to lose them altogether. Thank you! I appreciate your videos. :)
I was diagnosed in 2008 but my C-PTSD was stated but not explained so I walked away thinking it was no big deal. I was told I couldn't process long term memory hence my inability to remember most of my life (good or bad) most of what sticks is the bad, and I went on with my life. The woman who diagnosed me fell off the map so I started researching on my own a few years ago. Something happened this year that sent me into a tailspin. I realized that none of my old tricks were working. I tried to find a therapist and no one in my state is properly trained. I ran across your channel this morning. This short video explains what I feel like has been happening since September. I suppose time will tell. All this to say thank you.
This is very helpful! As always, you make sense of what is happening. Which makes it more doable and a little bit easier to keep up hope and trust that it will work out and calm down in the end. Thank you! The bit about having missed a lot of 'practice time' for (some) emotions because they always get dissociated really resonates with me, that makes so much sense!
I find that I experience a lot more emotions now that I am well into the therapy (though still phase 1). The most difficult about that, apart from having emotions and intensity that I never experienced before, is having contradicting emotions at the same time. Something happens, and it makes one part of me calm/happy but another part anxious or furious. I cannot seem to contain both at the same time, they are 2 separate worlds that are both 100% true. And I can only manage 1 truth at a time...
Same for me. On October 29th it marks two years since my first therapy session. I just entered phase two according to the doc and I just experienced my first flash back/panic attack last night. This video was extremely relevant and timely for me.
I also meant to add that you explained the experience of having two or three emotions at the same time as only being able to handle one at a time. Very accurate for me too. Thanks for this excellent t description. :)
Wow, this is amazing stuff! It makes so much sense, i really feel kinda stupid not thinking of this before at all the times at had to deal with it. It would have made it so much easier to understand my selves. Then again, i lacked some of the memories needed to realize how damaged i really was. I used to think i was like everybody else, just a little worse in leading a normal life and even in doing everyday stuff.
Glad it may help you!
we've noticed this ourselves as we've progressed, getting "better" was hard in some ways cause it felt worse, we actually had to get on antidepressants as we learned to be more grounded because we don't know how to deal with life yet. It's been weird, but we're making progress and I try to encourage myself with that. some days we dissociate and that's ok, but we're at least trying and that's yeah. Really experiencing life though is crazy and so so cool to finally get to see/feel/be in
This video just gave me an incredible amount of hope. I think I might be in such a phase where everything feels worse because things are getting better and that is a big relief.
Thank you 🙏 this has made a lot of sense. The last 2 weeks my thought process is deeper, I'm actually "thinking"😆 my body is obviously remembering things that I have total amnesia on. These "new" emotions are way too overwhelming and I have this really heavy feeling of knowing. Knowing what, I dont know but I think something is coming to the surface. Maybe nothing will happen but it's there. Its scary but necessary if I want to heal. 🙏
Glad it helped, good luck with your journey!
IT is scary, so scary at first. I am only three months? into my realization of my condition; Good fortune to you, Jacinta!
We are looking for therapy now, primarily because the host has difficulty recognizing his emotional state in the moment, so far we are practicing being vulnerable to help somewhat
As a person who has DID And am working with Disability to start work with DVR towards more schooling online and maybe get an education leaning towards DID. Im very much enjoying your channel and work.
Glad to hear this is helping!
I'm in therapy in usa. Have been for 17 years or so. Your videos are helpful and informative. Thank you for taking the time to do the videos. 👍👍
We have dabbled in trauma exploration in therapy but it's been rare. We are still early in the recovery process so it's good to know what we might expect, but the few instances of being overwhelmed with historical or current emotional experiences were awful.
Sometimes it just has to take time. Good luck in your journey!
Using this in therapy today, as we're going through this right now but struggled to explain. Thank you so much! 💜
You are welcome!
Thank you! We described this experience over a year ago with: "There is coming so much life and overwhelm and terror at the same time." We`ve come so far the last two years and can`t manage all these emotions every time, but we get better in it. In the meantime for us the dissociation feels worse than the overwhelming feelings, becaus of all the life and being present comes with it, if that makes sense. This video gave us validation, we are on the right path, thank you!
You are welcome!
This sure describes much of what I feel now. Many factors are contributing. Thank you for this insight ✅
Been dealing with intense intense emotions around a recent rejection, and after having depersonalization for the last 8 years, I've been searching fora way to process this pain! This video helped, I feel less alone now.
This is a very timely video. I didn't expect this with myself because I used to challenge dissociation and now recently I've actually ASKED alters to try and block out troubling events in a strategic way (as in, when there wouldn't be obvious or immediate consequences for doing so). Now I think about it it reminds me a little too much of a recovering alcoholic making excuses for imbibing 'just this once.' :/
Sometimes organising dissociation in this way does help, especially for unavoidable things. Sounds like you have some excellent collaboration available!
@@thectadclinic Oh, thank you! That's actually very helpful to know. In this case I got into a fight with a shoplifter so I didn't think it was a very useful memory to keep. (Not that I don't write everything down anyway just in case)
Now I understand what I have been struggling with. I need to let myself practice dealing with my emotions and why I feel so scared a lot of the time. Thank you. Not easy, but baby steps and I can make progress.
Good for you!
Its called an activated Amygdala
these doctors live within a confirmation bias collective illusion that only the cortex matters
That's why they cant figure out what Autism, is .because its nothing to do with the cortex
the correct medication that deactivates the Amygdala is LSD
These are all autistic people FEELING Love and attachment
Which is really a large Oxytocin release,
Does Oxytocin (Attachment) release with an activated Amygdala ?
No, if you have an activated Amygdala then you will never FEEL an Oxytocin release , you get a very small release in sex and that's it
Which is why Autistic people can become sex pests in relationships
Normal people are permanently in a Oxytocin release state every minute of thier life , that's they attach and feel like they belong
The cortex is just a delusion machine, it does nothing at all really except imagine words that you can over associate with and IMAGINE your not terrified
Watch your brain when you first wake up
1 first instance you imagine, hate, anger, frustration run away and hide everything is crap
2 Then you open your mouth and start to "talk to your self" Society and the collective illusion all our cortexes exist within create a narrative that we use and copy to motivate ourselves to overcome the fear
"come you can do it" , "its alright" "we going to have fun today" and so on ,
Obviously some are better programmed than others , but I stress this is the incorrect programming's,
Its actually slavery programming,
"putting on a brave face" does not help you in any way shape or form, it just makes you a productive slave and the slavers hate it when the livestock become unproductive to Autism
So they created a system where the autistics are sacrificed and have to "bear thier cross" and "wear thier crown of thorns (thought process)"
Gurdjeff, start their
Or LSD
YOU CANNOT BE ON SSRI's they disconnect the noise brain from the emotional brain
This means on SSRI's you cant FEEL anything, you have had your emotions removed , you are an insect with a thought process
Very dangerous to come off SSRI's so Look at the UA-cam people putting the videos on how to do it the most comfortable way
Its disgracefully that any doctor or pharmacist give to them to anyone
ua-cam.com/video/7I0vkKy504U/v-deo.html
They banned our medication and took our emotions away
Thanks for another great video, Dr Lloyd! I think it's helped me to realise some related matters too. I went to therapy for 3 years after being diagnosed with CPTSD (I wasn't diagnosed with DID/OSDD, but am suspecting it now!). My therapist and I focused mainly on managing the depression and anxiety, which did help, and I learned some new skills to combatting those problems. But after the therapy I went back to dissociating and suddenly forgetting how to handle things, despite the therapy I'd gone through. I tried to delve into the matters myself with intense self-exploration but I found it only made the confusion, anxiety, and amnesia worse. I thought maybe it's because I failed my previous therapy. But maybe it's just because I didn't realise there were other parts that also needed to be taught on how to manage their emotions and trauma? I'm going back to therapy in a month to see if I'm right. :)
Like always, we appreciate very much the information. We're on this stage of life where feeling and remembering feels like too much but somehow we're managing. Thought we were going backwards, but no 😅, it's a normal part of the process (It sucks tho)
Thank you. I’ve recently popped out of my disassociation, hearing all this helped.
These videos help me cultivate self love and compassion in general, more than any other resource I've used.
I allow emotions much more frequently and have an immensely bigger understanding of what is happening to me.
Thank you.
We've never watched a more pertinent and better-timed video in our lives!! Thank you so so so so so so so very much. Your videos have brought about more good than you will ever know. Thank you for doing this work!!!
Glad it helps!
Thank you for this video! I had no idea that what I’ve been experiencing is dissociation. I had such a negative reaction in counseling that I collapsed and had dark negative thoughts. It was so bad for me that it negatively affected my work where I had to step down from a job that I enjoyed. I finally have a grasp on how I need to heal to get back on my feet 🙏
Everyone needs to hear this, wow! I started dissociating on purpose as a coping mechanism. I realized I needed to stop, and over the next few months I began to have more “classic” signs of anxiety like heart palpitations and feelings of anxiety. This video+ a diagram of the flight fight response explains it all.
Think of a graph going up, but with many ups and downs. The center point is “true relaxation” which humans aren’t usually at. Then you go up to what we consider relaxed, increasing anxiety, a tiger is chasing me right now….and then the graph plumments back down as you become so anxious that you become depressed/dissociated
For me, finding relaxation means I have to go backwards on the graph. Up from dissociation into fight-flight mode, then I can go back down to relaxed.
Thanks for this!
Wowwwww..... this is whatttt im goingggg through rnnn.... i think im getting better from dissociation ... because im practicing a response to my dissociative symptoms and 2 weeks into practice i feel like my mind has drifted further away from reality like ive gotten further from being grounded and its scary.. but the past is hittng hard and i wanted to knowww y this cud be d answer y i feel worst.... this is soooo helpful...
Thank you for sharing this, it really speaks to me in a way that makes so much sense. Your compassionate way of explaining/understanding helped me/us feel less confused (less like I’ve failed) and a little more compassionate to ourselves and understanding of why life can feel so overwhelming.
Thank you!
Thank you for your generous invitation to learn about dissociation.
This helped me a lot. This is what I'm feeling this morning.
I live in nz getting kicked out of my treatment hospital and I listen to you all the time I so wish you could be my therapist you get me I feel so misunderstood and no way gets D I D or dissociation at all I n so scared and list I get blamed and people don’t see it as something you have to go through or experience for first time at all. They think simple as grounding so I stay in one functional kind of adult part
I feel this might be what I need. Let’s see. Thank you
I really enjoy your videos. Please consider leaving up the text that you put on the screen longer. It's difficult to process what you're saying as well as the text before it goes away. (I understand that it is usually in reference to what you're actually saying, but that's not always the case.) Thank you!
Ok
Thank you so much for how timely this is! I'd love to see more videos about the unexpected parts of therapy. I'm lucky to have found a lot of clinical concepts and language to help me understand a lot of ptsd symptoms better, but so much has changed for me in therapy that it's hard to make sense of what's been feeling good, what's been feeling bad, and what the heck is happening lol
There are so many, it would be hard knowing where to start!
My therapist left when this started happening to me. Now I’m stuck in depression and anxiety again. I dont want to live this life anymore.
This makes sense to us since we been going to therapy weekly. Very good video Dr Mike .
💜
Thank you!
@@thectadclinic you’re welcome please keep up the amazing content. We don’t see many psychologists or psychiatrists making content specifically for dissociative disorders and so thank you very much for helping systems like ours understand the disorder better and your videos also help spread awareness about Dissociative Disorders so awesome job Dr Mike.
How clearly expressed.
Thank you! It might be difficult at first, to see that strong emotions are a progress. But it is hopeful, a beginning of a new way to experience life. And also good to have that well established relationship with a therapist who can walk with you in the process, in the "ups and downs". Hope. For real.
You are welcome!
Thank you 💙💜💚💛🧡🧡🤎❤
Why does this make me feel sad? Strange. I'm newly diagnosed, "officially".... maybe that's why....?
Oh this couldn't be more timely. Thank you so much
You are welcome!
I find it difficult that we only seem to be able to feel a variety of emotions when we are actually in the therapy room with the therapist, but not at home. The therapy room is a safe place and the fact that we are not alone with those feelings seems to help. Yet as soon as we leave the place the numbness comes back and we feel very "empty" and hollow. I really don't know how to change that. :(
This is how I feel about being single. Those romantic or intimate feelings are dormant and thereby easy to handle but dating can awaken them so I don't do it anymore
what about people who feel emotions even when dissociated.
it never fully blocks the feelings your brain just goes "ok lifes an illusion. Good luck, you can't feel your legs and youre at work. figure it out"
how you're percieving things as a dream
which actually itself is quite anxiety producing.
(cost me a job from panic attacks)
Love these videos! Find them to ring very true. The only thing I'd change is lighting lol which means the content is great. If you put your face to the light instead of from the side then people will connect with your facial expressions and gestures. It's not just cosmetic. If you use natural light just turn the desk parallel to the windows and sit facing the light. Thanks for your videos! =)
Not really able to turn the entire room around just for the light, but I know what you mean!
Seems D is my constant default. It’s like a rotating head on top of a body w parts doing their thing ????
It may well feel like that. Hopefully not all the time!
thank you so much
Yes feels awful and therapist disappeared just as this was happening. 2 years still waiting for therapist I'm getting on, isolated, totally disillusioned, memory recovery and just plodding on realising I've never learnt to mother myself. How does anyone get proper support (and not more trauma from statutory services). Ive been on this road over 30 years and hadnt even realised I was dissociated or the level of abuse
Sad to hear this, we work hard to try and get therapy organised in the UK.
Wow- thank you.
Welcome!
Thank you again Dr. Mike ((hugs))
You are welcome?
Whoops, I mean you are welcome!
I am now struggling with a kind of pervasive low level dissociation which I seem to be in about 70% of my waking hours. This is totally different than the strong dissociation episodes which I experienced before. I discussed this with my shrink that maybe it wasn't really dissociation, but something else. He listened to me but said he didn't know what else it could be? Any suggestions?
If you feel okay answering this, can I ask what the pervasive low level dissociation looks like?
I'm kind of wondering if I've been stuck I'm something like this lately too.
@@Kitteh413 Certainly, it's a feeling of buzziness in my head, a pressure that I feel in my brain. I am present but not totally. I can carry out full conversations, but later those conversations are a bit difficult to recall. Hope it helps...is this what you are going through
These videos are really helpful! Thank you ❤
You are most welcome!
Dr Mike, would you be able to do a video on neurofeedback specifically for did/osdd? The way I've heard it explained is that it can lower dissociative barriers? Is this something you use or have experience with?
Also, thankyou so much for all the work you do, and make publicly accessible. It's so appreciated.
Thank you! What aspect of NF do you mean?
Thank you so much for all these explanations !
Glad they help!
this is very honest and helpful to know. thank you
You are welcome!
Thank you for another wonderfully educational video, Mike!
Would you happen to know of any psychiatrists/clinics in the Netherlands who are specialized in treating OSDD/DID? We are struggling to find anyone who is willing to take us on as a patient...
Ask ESTD, you have folks like Suzette Boon and Ellert Nijenhuis there, they would be more knowledgeable about local resources.
What is the rate of those patients who are so not okay resuming assocation they suicide.
On point!
This was really helpful! ❤
Thank you!
Dr. Mike, what made you choose red for your walls?
It’s a nice colour?
@The CTAD Clinic It can trigger some victims, esp if they were Ritually Abused or there was blood or colored liquid they called blood at the scene of the abuse. My abuser was definitely using the color red and or red lights. The memory is there even though it doesn't totally trigger me but I rather not be around the color red.
I wish so much that we had understood this might happen before we left therapy……. I have supportive friends but Wasn’t prepared for it to be this overwhelming and yes can it just all go back to where it was before please LOL
Lots of people feel this at times!
You don’t have to carry the memories.
Cruel.
Everyday stuff is survivable.
My feelings (and memories) are locked up. My younger parts are holding and bad and good. That gives me a thought being an empty schelf, with no wrinkles outside and deep heavy underneath storms.
My first emotion to feel was/is overwhelming sadness about what's happened to me, and self compassion for all tortured pieces of me. Tears soften in a way, inner criticism as a rain soften a desert.
There is no inner growth without self love and self compassion.
Self compassion is absolute!
I love that last line. So true
Minor nit here, would you mind leaving your popup phrases up a little longer, I'm a fast reader but as a person w dissociation its hard to pay attention to both your words and the words on the screen and they go away too quickly.
Ok
❤🩹
This helped so much! Thank you!! 🤍
I don't understand how anyone can possibly get better (especially in the hyperindividualistic world/society today where the collective is essentially a narcissistic abuser). Life is hard enough and crushing as it is (completely whole and with all your faculties in tact). Any small part that might be recovered would just be flooded and crushed by the present, past, and/or future and/or neutralized by one of the other parts (in serious enough cases). If the only outer-life is a person's job (doesn't matter self-employed, business, or frankly unemployed, given that this condition is completely debilitating), what?.. I just don't understand. How is it possible to treat/help, frankly ANYBODY?.. Who actually gets better?..
Maybe if you have existential depression and find purpose and connection in life, you can pull yourself out. I don't know...
Sorry to hear you feel like this - people can and do feel better, have enriching lives and find purpose and enjoyment in life. Yes, the world can be harsh, but it is also filled with beauty and support. Hopefully you get to this point!
@@thectadclinic I mean, even with the world aside, purely even internally (as in the nature of this condition), I don't see how it's possible to get better with treatment unless things were still relatively good on the outside (with significant others who knew you well, supported, and positively regarded you, as in the past).
I'm not looking to argue. The purpose of not saying about is actually that I want to be wrong and I'm hoping to be convinced otherwise.
Most of us need professional help to find and connect with the part of us that kept going and survived tremendous abuse and neglect. THAT is the part that will bring the rest of ourselves along on the painful journey. THAT is the part that woke up every day and made the best of a living nightmare. And THAT is the part that can connect with the little's hopes and the adolescent part's power to fight and stand up for what is right. Hearing the stories of people that made/make a life out of no life is motivating. Connect with a community that focuses on growth while honestly saying the truth of how difficult it is to live with DID.
Thank you so much! How reassuring to know that this a normal part of healing ❤️🩹 …not easy, not painless but all part of progress. 😊