When you get into a new relationship, do you ever make assumptions that the other person has the same morals, values, and integrity as you… …without having a conversation about those things? Do you think healthy relationships just develop naturally on their own? Lemme know if any of this resonated with you in the comments below! ❤
If only I had been taught these things in grade school, my whole life would have been totally different, totally better, totally happier. Thanks for the excellent work. Thanks for being you.
Disorganized attachment and CPTSD have caused a lot issues and angst around boundaries. I always thought I was good at them, til I learned that I generally waited til I was angry and then issued ultimatums or canceled people altogether, leaving me with months (or years TBH) of resentment afterward. Setting up expectations in relationships with the little things can really prevent a lot of these breakdowns. I love what Brianna Macwilliam said in a video once: You can have unconditional regard [love] for people, but *relationships* are conditional. This is because we all have limited time, energy, and resources. So unlike a lot of New Age thought around boundaries, expectations, and unconditional love, it is absolutely appropriate to have specific standards about how we allocate those resources in our relationships and what we need to have in return. Thais Gibson's Integrated Attachment Theory model has also been of great help.
Waiting too long to set boundaries and exploding in anger is so common ❤️ It is hard when no one taught us how to do it. I 100% believe all of our adult relationships are voluntary, and we get to choose who is in our VIP circle (and who is outside of it). And yes, setting expectations and boundaries early and often in relationships can really help avoid damaging behaviors later on!
My name is Ksenia. I'm from Russia. Thank you for putting it out clearly why I made so many mistakes in relationships. I hope I will learn the boundaries science. ❤
This was excellent. Thank you. I appreciate your soothing voice. My 36th anniversary is next week and this is still extremely helpful. Healthy boundaries necessary for healthy love. Yes! I'm guilty of getting peeved at little things because he hasn't read my mind about something I don't like. This is a great reminder. It takes time and trust to talk about this stuff with our partners without getting defensive. Childhood triggers and all...thank you!
Hi Terri! I love when you say "Real Talk" because you bring that to me and it is giving me permission to be the "Real Me" a woman, the queen of my castle and surely in search of an epic relationship with myself and my king, wherever he is right now. Looking forward to Boundary Bootcamp!
What if there was a Facebook page where people charged how the added healthy boundary. I'm so thankful for this knowledge. And for you saying this was you. And there's no shame or guilt because you never learned this. I've began implementing boundaries and it's really helping my relationship. I'm also hopeful now.l because I just didn't even understand all these dynamics of people pleasing. So thank you!
I'm so glad it was helpful for you! Definitely no shame or guilt here. Most of us were not taught boundaries were even a thing until much later in life. We can't do better until we know better. ❤️
I wish we had access to these information long time ago, now that I look back and remember what went through because of corrupted data trying not to built resentment, as there’s no success from one sided work, I just journal, go for a walk and continue my journey of 35 yrs of marriage 😊
Dear Terry my name is Alkis Sarris n I live in Cyprus. This was your first video that I watched n I found it helpful in understanding better what are boundaries n how to set them up. I am 62 yrs old n since childhood I have been struggling with setting boundaries n more so keeping them. I have improved over the last few yrs but still it is a challenge for me n your approach to this issue has helped me understand better the practical issues related to setting n keeping boundaries towards strengthening personal relationships! 😊
Thanks for all of your advice. I love watching you and have for years. You’re like the super wise strong loving compassionate mother I wish I’d had. Love you!!
(27M) This was super helpful for me being that I am now in a committed relationship that these things matter in and I am trying my best not to mess up. I didn't have any of my own and was told I need to set some. I didn't know a thing about them and struggled prior to this because these seemed more like rules more than anything. Your examples were great and helped my thought process in writing and implementing my own. If it doesn't help this relationship, I'm sure it will help the next.
New to your channel and subscriber ❤ I had to make a cold turkey boundary to disconnect from a family member. They are trying to come back into my life and I am learning its OK to stay still and not have to give my peace up accommodate what they want. I've been 100% happier without the drama and I'm staying drama-free. 🎉
Everyone in my life has no respect for me and I have tried to be understanding and compassionate, hold space, be patient and it isn’t working. My adult children , my overt narc sister and my covert mother. I don’t have many friendships and I struggle and it hurts and makes me want to be alone
Are you familiar with the old adage, you reap what you sow? If you don't like what you're getting back, sow something different. Videos like this and one's I post might help. When you're a different person, so will they be towards you 😉
Dear Terri, began listening to you recently & cannot believe how much I resonate. I feel like ....... . Amazing. Will definitely continue & hope to continue my journey. 😊❤
Hi :) I have just watched part of this video (and I'm gonna watch the rest of it!) and I just wanted to say as a person who is a communications professional that I really like how you're presenting your content. I like the way that you have arranged the backdrop - you've got nice things in the background. The mix of colours is really aesthetically pleasing. Your tone is good. You're working with scripted material but you're then improvising some of your content and it's a nice blend. You haven't overedited it and I just wanted to say that this is a really good UA-cam video, this is engaging and personalised and informative and really I'm here to congratulate you on doing a great video. 👏
These are all great points, but I do hold issue with a venting situation, I’ve had women in my life that only want to vent and I have to sit there and listen to it for over an hour on a daily cycle and I’m not able to tell them how to fix it, which means they’re constantly venting about something that I know I could help them fix, it’s either that or I get to listen to it every day for an hour of my life, there has to be some difference between That as well. Maybe a boundary could be I don’t really want to hear you vent at me every single day and not allow me to try to help you with that particular problem. I actually have a female friend, not a girlfriend, but a female friend that I had to cut off for three months because of this very thing.
I hear you ❤️ It can be difficult, especially if it is the same issue that's ongoing and they're not able to make a change. I think it's okay to compromise here and suggest a limit. You can approach it with kindness and say, "Hey, I appreciate that you trust me and find comfort in venting to me about this thing, but it pains me to hear you talk about it so often because I see how much it hurts you. I'd love it if we could focus on spending time together as friends/partners, because I feel a little disconnected when this issue takes front and center. I know how badly it's impacting you, but it's impacting me, too, and I'd like to find a way forward. What do you think?" and see what they say. I'd make it less about "you won't allow me to fix it" because that is a valid boundary. After being a codependent "I will fix everything for everyone!" person in my 20s, I firmly believe that we do not know what is better for someone. Only they do. Alternatively, you can also try saying, "That sucks. I know you will figure it out, because you are the only one who can." "I have faith that you'll figure it out." That sometimes has a way of sending a gentle signal that you're shutting the conversation down. I've used it with chronic complainers before.
It's crazy when you stumble upon an answer to your life situation in a UA-cam comment! Thanks Terri for outstanding answer, and thanks Captain for the question.
I’ve just discovered your channel as I’ve been hoping to develop more open communication in my relationship and the way you put these videos is so encouraging!
Hi Terri I’m watching from Australia. Have you or can you do a UA-cam on Self Esteem within a relationship or friendship within the workplace and your life elsewhere?
When I have a problem and I tell someone, I would be delighted to have someone fix it for me. I have a hard time understanding why people like to wallow in their problems and get so upset when someone can fix the problem they are upset about and tries. That seems very unhealthy to me. I want my problem fixed, always. I will always offer someone a compassionate ear to just let things out, but why wouldn't you want someone to help fix the thing that you are upset about if they can? To me, that makes the problem go away, I immediately feel better. No more problem. Because of this, I always try to fix someone's problem when they tell me about it. Imagine someone breaking a leg and having severe pain, wouldn't you rather have someone wave a magic wand and make the pain go away? Or would you rather they just sit there and watch you cry? It's the same basic concept. Just food for thought. My reply to Terri's comment below that would not post: Firstly, to be clear, I have never had anyone fix my problems, nor did I expect them to. Perhaps that's why I feel the way I do. I was however, surrounded by narcissists and toxic people most of my life. People that had very little empathy for others. My problems, when rarely if ever, expressed, were never emotional. My problems were only practical. If I shared a problem with someone else it would have been nice to have them try to fix it if they were able to. I personally never sought help with an emotional problem since I am the only one that can fix those. Secondly, why would you assume that someone thinks that you are a problem that needs to be fixed just because they are trying to help you fix something that is bothering you? That seems very unhealthy and like you are projecting your own issues onto them. Them helping you is sign that they care about you and want to help you. They just want to help you with whatever you are currently dealing with. YOU and YOU ALONE are the one that sought out their help in the first place. If you don't want advice then you need to express that at the beginning of the conversation, you can't expect someone to know that you just want to complain or vent about your problem but don't actually want to fix your problem. People aren't psychic and it's not their job to instinctively know that you don't want advice or a solution to your problem. That is very unhealthy to expect them to know that. Additionally, I have personally found that the most empathetic, caring people will try to solve your problem if they can, because their heart breaks for you and they just want to help. Personally, I find the people that don't try to help others like this, generally lack empathy and they seem very cold to me. That's just been my personal experience.
You have every right to want and allow others to fix your problems. Personally, I'm well aware that no one else can solve my problems but me. That doesn't mean that I don't brainstorm with people who I respect, that doesn't mean I don't ask for opinions at times. It means I don't want someone assuming that they know what I should do because I am not a problem for others to fix. Instead of fixing others, I simply ask, “How can I best support you right now?” and let them tell me what they need from me. So I would not describe it as sitting there watching someone else cry- more like respecting their sovereignty. ❤️
@@terri_cole Firstly, to be clear, I have never had anyone fix my problems, nor did I expect them to. Perhaps that's why I feel the way I do. I was however, surrounded by narcissists and toxic people most of my life. People that had very little empathy for others. My problems, when rarely if ever, expressed, were never emotional. My problems were only practical. If I shared a problem with someone else it would have been nice to have them try to fix it if they were able to. I personally never sought help with an emotional problem since I am the only one that can fix those. Secondly, why would you assume that someone thinks that you are a problem that needs to be fixed just because they are trying to help you fix something that is bothering you? That seems very unhealthy and like you are projecting your own issues onto them. Them helping you is sign that they care about you and want to help you. They just want to help you with whatever you are currently dealing with. YOU and YOU ALONE are the one that sought out their help in the first place. If you don't want advice then you need to express that at the beginning of the conversation, you can't expect someone to know that you just want to complain or vent about your problem but don't actually want to fix your problem. People aren't psychic and it's not their job to instinctively know that you don't want advice or a solution to your problem. That is very unhealthy to expect them to know that. Additionally, I have personally found that the most empathetic, caring people will try to solve your problem if they can, because their heart breaks for you and they just want to help. Personally, I find the people that don't try to help others like this, generally lack empathy and they seem very cold to me. That's just been my personal experience.
Hi Cole...this was definately helpful😊.Some of the greatest things in relationships that we tend to avoid knowingly or unknowingly. I have learnt alot and this will sure go aloooong waaaay
What boundary is being crossed when someone else projects/makes assumptions about you’re beliefs and values that they are the same when you feel they are actually quite different? This happened to me in a dating scenario recently and I’ve felt it to be very off putting. Especially when this person stated, after me expressing I only wanted to be friends, “it’s so rare to find someone who shares your beliefs”. While I was never attracted to them, I think they are a kind, interesting person worthy of connection but this had made it frustrating to be around them. I felt I had shared quite a bit about my views previously but this person was not seeing me only who they wanted me to be. I ended up having to be quite strongly explicit about key differences in the sensitive area of beliefs that was more confrontational than I would have liked to have been. Are you, Terri, or anyone else, able to provide any insight to what is bothering me here so I can set a better boundary around it in the future?
Hi Cala- Not being seen accurately is painful and annoying, especially when you have tried to explain. I'm not sure how much time passed, but perhaps correct the wrong assumption sooner rather than later (as clearly as possible) and you might be less likely to be confrontational. ❤️
Hello dear ❤ you know this my first time to find out there is professional talking about this subject.. in my society we know very little about that and raised with no self boundaries mostly specially for girls 😢
Hi Terri, I'm wondering where the "how to communicate" falls in your boundaries? For example, texting etiquette, wanting to get an answer if we invite someone for a drink, or just feeling acknowledged after sending a sweet email to a friend. For me, it's important that my communicational investment is reciprocated. For example, I really appreciate when someone apologises for not replying sooner to a text. It's more than good manners. It's feeling respected.
What if you’ve told your husband multiple times that you need a few minutes to yourself when you get home from work and he still jabbers at you as soon as you get home?
I would set a consequence for him crossing that boundary. "Hey, I've mentioned several times that I need a few moments to myself when I get home from work to unwind, and then I am happy to catch up with you, but you have disregarded this. The next time you begin speaking to me as soon as I walk through the door, I am walking to the bedroom and closing the door to decompress. Please do not follow me." Be prepared to follow through. You may have to do this a few times before he adjusts. You can say it with love and kindness and remind him that you need to decompress to be able to actually connect with him after work (which is what you both want). ❤️
Hello I’m new to your page. I’ve recently started the journey of communicating better with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. We’ve been struggling lately. And I have always had bad communication skills and lack of boundaries.
Hi there Jessica, welcome to my channel ❤️ I hope my videos can help! I have a playlist with all my videos on communication here: ua-cam.com/play/PLMaWdZCQtiJ9ex87TFbcc_YmU8-0jT0qc.html
Hi Terri Thanks for this great program. In listening to you I realize how terrifying it is for me to even consider verbalizing my needs. my greatest fear is to ‘hurt people’s feelings’ or cause them any kind of discomfort. I would much rather be uncomfortable myself than witness someone else s reactions to me setting a boundary. Do you have any recommendations to start practicing saying what I need in kind and gentle ways, or better said, to overcome my own fears and remove the stress from this process?
Hi Sylvia- I think it would help to dive into the reasons why you feel this way. Was it modeled behavior in your childhood? Were you raised in an environment where your needs did not matter or that you had to prioritize the adults in your life? I think you need to have a deeper understanding about yourself before the process becomes easier. ❤️
Hello Terri, Thank you for your great videos. I would love some advice from you. My partner and I have been together for 4 years. We also work together as acrobats, so our job is very physically and mentally demanding, not to mention dangerous. We also spend pretty much 24/7 together because of our job. Most of our arguments tend to happen at work. For example, today at rehearsal, I was critical of some of our skills (mainly critical of myself). He said I was being moody and started to get angry at me. When I told him I was not being moody, I was just simply pointing out some issues in my work, he got more and more angry and proceeded to swear at me in front of colleagues. It was not extremely loud, but I’m sure it was enough for people to hear. I’ve told him over 100 times that I cannot tolerate him swearing at me or calling me names, EVER. No matter the situation. He still continues to do it. When he does this, I withdraw and find it difficult to say anything as I feel so hurt. This again reinforces his anger and things just snowball. After this, I just don’t want to talk to him at all because if I stand up for myself, he will react in a defensive and petty way (“well if you weren’t so moody I wouldn’t do xyz”). He just wants me to say sorry, forgive him and move on. I find this very hard to do. How do I set boundaries with him when we work together? For example, this incident was 30 minutes before our show, so there was no time to “discuss” and figure things out. I had to just bottle things up and trust that everything will be okay on stage. Thank you ❤️
I am witnessing you with so much compassion as that sounds so difficult 💕 You are well within your right to tell him not to treat you this way at work (or in general!). Do you enforce the boundary? Like, "Hey, I've asked you before not to yell at me at work. The next time you do so, I will remove myself from the situation." And then walk away. Go to the bathroom and take some time to gather yourself again, even if it's just for a minute. By walking away, he might get the message more clearly. I'd also suggest exploring whether the relationship has some elements of codependency in it, because taking on each other's moods can be a sign of that: ua-cam.com/video/EVCRyhiYePU/v-deo.html I also have a follow-up video of how to gently heal a codependent relationship here, in case you recognize some of the signs: ua-cam.com/video/UFoTrJ6PjTc/v-deo.html Lastly, I have a video about how to deal with a defensive partner here: ua-cam.com/video/BDLLGVCSulE/v-deo.html It includes some tips on establishing fair fighting rules, as well as some other preventative tips that may help smooth things over. It might be worth having a discussion, during a neutral time, about what tends to set these arguments off. Can you notice any patterns? It might also be worth asking why your partner got activated when you were criticizing yourself. I hope that helps xo
@@terri_cole Hi Terri! Thank you so much for your response. I always ask him to stop and request he doesn’t treat me this way, but I never walk away. Next time I will try this. I watched your video on co-dependence, and honestly I would answer no to pretty much all of the signs (from the perspective of myself and my partner) except, as you mentioned, our moods depending on each other. We almost get annoyed at each other when the other person is in a bad mood. Then everything spirals. I guess we need to find a way to slow things down before they burn up. Thank you so much again !
Yes, definitely try walking away next time! I have a video about boundary violations and enforcing consequences here, too: ua-cam.com/video/Jrfi24SAIOg/v-deo.html I also think it would be best to have an open conversation (if possible) about the pattern of getting annoyed when one of you is in a bad mood. Think of it as you two against the problem, rather than against each other ❤️❤️ That might spark curiosity over defensiveness. Then you might be able to institute a State of the Union meeting every-other-week to check in with each other and have a dedicated space to air grievances in a productive way (details are in the other video I linked about defensive partners).
Thank you. I’m wondering about what you said regarding sometimes people just need a compassionate listener rather than help “fixing wherever it is.” My situation is I thought I was creating a healthy boundary with a family member by saying I don’t want to hear complaining or negativity unless it’s solution focused, and we are looking for a solution. This made sense to me, but I’d like to hear your thoughts. Thanks 🙏❤️
Great Q, thank you for asking! You have a right to request that of your family member. However, your family member might also just want to vent. It could be a case where what they are looking for isn't compatible with what you'd like out of your interactions. Depending on your relationship with them, you might want to ask them what they're seeking and then look for a compromise if needed. ❤️ I also have a video on how to deal with difficult people/complainers if that's more relevant: ua-cam.com/video/DPIWbdY0Zm8/v-deo.html
Thank you so very much for responding. I will definitely watch the video that you sent.. I have been battling codependency for so many years. I taught Elementary school for 30 years and even though I lloved it, I had to take earlier retirement because I made myself sick. 😞 Your videos have come to me at just the right time. I call myself a recovering helpaholic/fixaholic. I’m really resonating with your videos and I am hearing like I’ve never heard before if that majes sense. I feel empowered like this is a new beginning and a new chapter for me in life. I can’t thank you enough. Please know how much you make a difference. Bless you. 🙏❤️
I see you, Diana ❤️ You're SO not alone. I am just getting into a season of doing a series of videos about high-functioning codependency. It's a compulsion to help and deep down, a desire for control. My newest book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency is coming out in October and if these videos are resonating, I think the book will, too. So glad you're feeling empowered ❤️❤️
Thank you so much. I truly appreciate you. I have already been listening to your videos on the high functioning codependency. You really explain things in a way that I can hear. I’m so excited to get your new book. Thank you for letting me know. Bless you. 🙏❤️🤗
I am here looking for ways to communicate about boundaries for communication. How frequently should one expect a partner to check in? What is unreasonable? Also about the concept of prioritizing a relationship. What does that mean exactly?
Well, how often does your partner currently check in? How often would you like them to check in? How often do THEY want to check in? If both parties are willing to compromise, what is "reasonable" becomes clearer and less of a worry. It sometimes helps if you also communicate why you'd like your partner to check-in (for example, if it makes you feel loved or cared about). If your love language is words of affirmation, then checking in might mean a great deal to you. But if your partner's love language is touch, they might not easily understand why it's important to you. Getting clear on each other's love language can help here. ❤️ I'm not clear on what your question is on the concept of prioritizing a relationship. Could you please expand on that?
@@terri_cole Thank you Terri! Check ins for me are definitely about feeling connected but also safe as it relates to transparency and trust. For me the frequency of check ins would ideally be a couple of times a day, but might be more or less depending on specific circumstances. I am unsure about our love languages, though I did just buy the book :) Guess we can have some discussions about that. For prioritization, I am referring I guess to say for example, prioritizing your partners needs over your buddies. Not that other things and people should not also be priority in a person's life and understanding that you should support these other priorites in your partner's life, but ultimately, if you had to choose between doing something that would have a negative impact on your partner, then you should prioritize your partner over the other thing or person. Hope that isn't unreasonable. When we were first dating, I told my person that a partner should be the priority. He said he didn't see a difference between friend and partner in that way. That was over a year ago, so we have not revisited that since, but I have not forgotten as the relationship has lasted. Not sure about perspectives and possibly wording on that subject. Would love your opinion. Thanks!
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ Try this vid - it's about abuse enablers, but it has scripts that might apply: ua-cam.com/video/tTTHiswTWaE/v-deo.html
He doesn't want to hold my hand when we are in public bc he finds it uncomfortable to walk. For me it gives me a sense of belonging and connection. What to do?
Have you had a more in-depth discussion about it? Is there any other way you might feel that sense of connection and belonging while in public together, that doesn't bring him a feeling of discomfort? ❤️
Hi Terri great vid! In terms of boundaries with a supervisor, if I make a mistake and act rude toward my supervisor, and then apologize for it the following day, what would be the appropriate response from me when she didn't return my texts or phone call? I have to see her soon(a few weeks have gone by)and was wondering if I should bring up the fact that she ignored my text/call? I didn't like being ignored. Thank you:)
It's a whole nother thing when somebody is calling you names and forcing sexual things on you and you're not able to get away and nor is there room for any kind of conversation even though you've initiated it many times. What do you do in that case then because I have tried and tried to understand but I suppose I should tell you that I've got myself into a spiritual mess that I don't understand because these entities are saying that what I am doing or believe is dogma and I suppose that could be because they might believe that they can do whatever they want and it should be okay
That sounds difficult, and I am sorry you're experiencing this ❤️ I have a video that might speak to the spiritual stuff more: ua-cam.com/video/ZsrRjreX8Rw/v-deo.html
I tried this and the man just mirrored everything and he became my yes man! Type… maybe I need to learn a better way in how to deal with this kind of situation
Hey Carolina, I'm not entirely clear on what happened and where the problem is. Are you saying that you set boundaries and stated preferences and the man went along with it completely? Or did something else happen?
Hi! I'm from Russia, and my goal is to learn about dating culture. I have two teenage daughters, and I want to give them good advice, so that they don't get lost in the hook-up culture and instead find a serious gentleman for themselves) Basically, I want them to date with the intent to marry
I'm just wondering about boundary violations that are repeated and could be looked at as systemic? When I say 'repeated' I mean similar things and patterns are repeated. Specifically, in my partnership it's about taking responsibility. He avoids it very strenuously. Whenever I establish boundaries (which is frequently), he agrees to them but then the next time has forgotten. I feel it is to do with the patriarchal system whereby women's tasks and women's labour is not seen. Acknowledgement would be tantamount to endebtment, I think - so acknowledging what I do is very difficult for him. Seeing that I am pushed into doing what I do, because nobody else steps up and it is about the children's welfare, is near impossible for him. He recently said in therapy "she puts a lot of pressure on herself". This resulted in a near breakup because I have now understood what it means. The labour of not accepting the indignities and the injustices, and of constantly putting up boundaries, I simply feel exhausted. On the other hand there is nowhere for me under the children to go, without him we have no home and I have very little money. I only mention this because it is not that I am free to walk out any time. I desperately wish that were the case. At which point, I should mention that I love him and I actually really want things to work between us. But I also know what we are currently doing is unsustainable.
Yes, absolutely! I have a video about strategic incompetence here that speaks to this a bit: ua-cam.com/video/SNUS0PvrcXY/v-deo.html And a video on how to stop doing all the emotional labor here: ua-cam.com/video/cOVrxtWnzBw/v-deo.html You might also like this interview I did with Laura Danger, who specializes in this topic (creating more equity at home): ua-cam.com/video/nMHfkH0OojQ/v-deo.html I am wishing you all the best, and thank you for highlighting this as I know many women in my crew struggle with it in their relationships, too. ❤️❤️
Thank you so much for this. It's very kind of you to reply, and the links you've sent are fantastic. This is really important work you are doing here ❤️
When you get into a new relationship, do you ever make assumptions that the other person has the same morals, values, and integrity as you…
…without having a conversation about those things?
Do you think healthy relationships just develop naturally on their own?
Lemme know if any of this resonated with you in the comments below! ❤
If only I had been taught these things in grade school, my whole life would have been totally different, totally better, totally happier. Thanks for the excellent work. Thanks for being you.
I agree. Schools should teach real world issues on how to be healthy
If it was my ex and I would still be going strong 😭
I automatically give your videos a thumbs up before listening Terry❤ thank you for being my long distance therapist 😅
Disorganized attachment and CPTSD have caused a lot issues and angst around boundaries. I always thought I was good at them, til I learned that I generally waited til I was angry and then issued ultimatums or canceled people altogether, leaving me with months (or years TBH) of resentment afterward. Setting up expectations in relationships with the little things can really prevent a lot of these breakdowns. I love what Brianna Macwilliam said in a video once: You can have unconditional regard [love] for people, but *relationships* are conditional. This is because we all have limited time, energy, and resources. So unlike a lot of New Age thought around boundaries, expectations, and unconditional love, it is absolutely appropriate to have specific standards about how we allocate those resources in our relationships and what we need to have in return. Thais Gibson's Integrated Attachment Theory model has also been of great help.
Waiting too long to set boundaries and exploding in anger is so common ❤️ It is hard when no one taught us how to do it. I 100% believe all of our adult relationships are voluntary, and we get to choose who is in our VIP circle (and who is outside of it). And yes, setting expectations and boundaries early and often in relationships can really help avoid damaging behaviors later on!
My name is Ksenia. I'm from Russia. Thank you for putting it out clearly why I made so many mistakes in relationships. I hope I will learn the boundaries science. ❤
Welcome to my channel, Ksenia ❤️
This was excellent. Thank you. I appreciate your soothing voice. My 36th anniversary is next week and this is still extremely helpful. Healthy boundaries necessary for healthy love. Yes! I'm guilty of getting peeved at little things because he hasn't read my mind about something I don't like. This is a great reminder. It takes time and trust to talk about this stuff with our partners without getting defensive. Childhood triggers and all...thank you!
Relationship includes everyone u meet & know
#Boundaries:
1] Physical
2] Emotional [feelings]
3] Sexual
4] Intellectual [opinions]
5] Financial
Hi Terri! I love when you say "Real Talk" because you bring that to me and it is giving me permission to be the "Real Me" a woman, the queen of my castle and surely in search of an epic relationship with myself and my king, wherever he is right now. Looking forward to Boundary Bootcamp!
Excellent tools for building boundaries in marital relationships.
So glad it was helpful ❤️
Wow… this is spot on. Number two is super common. I need to cue my partner when I feel like I just need comfort vs. solutions. Thx Terri!
So glad it was helpful! ❤️ Thanks for being here.
What if there was a Facebook page where people charged how the added healthy boundary. I'm so thankful for this knowledge. And for you saying this was you. And there's no shame or guilt because you never learned this. I've began implementing boundaries and it's really helping my relationship. I'm also hopeful now.l because I just didn't even understand all these dynamics of people pleasing. So thank you!
I'm so glad it was helpful for you! Definitely no shame or guilt here. Most of us were not taught boundaries were even a thing until much later in life. We can't do better until we know better. ❤️
I wish we had access to these information long time ago, now that I look back and remember what went through because of corrupted data trying not to built resentment, as there’s no success from one sided work, I just journal, go for a walk and continue my journey of 35 yrs of marriage 😊
Thank you Terri!! You are soooo beautiful and smart. I love you!!! Good work. Thank you so so so much!!! Love you.
Dear Terry my name is Alkis Sarris n I live in Cyprus. This was your first video that I watched n I found it helpful in understanding better what are boundaries n how to set them up. I am 62 yrs old n since childhood I have been struggling with setting boundaries n more so keeping them. I have improved over the last few yrs but still it is a challenge for me n your approach to this issue has helped me understand better the practical issues related to setting n keeping boundaries towards strengthening personal relationships! 😊
Hi there Alkis, I'm so glad this video was helpful for you 💕 Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment!
Thanks for all of your advice. I love watching you and have for years. You’re like the super wise strong loving compassionate mother I wish I’d had. Love you!!
Thank you so much, that means the world to me ❤️❤️
(27M) This was super helpful for me being that I am now in a committed relationship that these things matter in and I am trying my best not to mess up. I didn't have any of my own and was told I need to set some. I didn't know a thing about them and struggled prior to this because these seemed more like rules more than anything. Your examples were great and helped my thought process in writing and implementing my own. If it doesn't help this relationship, I'm sure it will help the next.
I'm so glad to hear my explanation on boundaries was helpful for you!
I watched 20 minutes of an interview with you, and it already has transformed my marriage. LOL. ❤
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New to your channel and subscriber ❤ I had to make a cold turkey boundary to disconnect from a family member. They are trying to come back into my life and I am learning its OK to stay still and not have to give my peace up accommodate what they want. I've been 100% happier without the drama and I'm staying drama-free. 🎉
Welcome to the channel and thank you for being here 💕 Woohooo! I like to say, all adult relationships are voluntary.
Hello Terri, coming to your channel 13 months after you posted this all needed vid (Tuesday October 17th 2023)
Well I'm glad you found it when you needed it! ❤️
Everyone in my life has no respect for me and I have tried to be understanding and compassionate, hold space, be patient and it isn’t working. My adult children , my overt narc sister and my covert mother. I don’t have many friendships and I struggle and it hurts and makes me want to be alone
Are you familiar with the old adage, you reap what you sow? If you don't like what you're getting back, sow something different. Videos like this and one's I post might help. When you're a different person, so will they be towards you 😉
Dear Terri, began listening to you recently & cannot believe how much I resonate. I feel like ....... . Amazing. Will definitely continue & hope to continue my journey. 😊❤
I'm so glad my videos are resonating with you! ❤️
Hi :) I have just watched part of this video (and I'm gonna watch the rest of it!) and I just wanted to say as a person who is a communications professional that I really like how you're presenting your content. I like the way that you have arranged the backdrop - you've got nice things in the background. The mix of colours is really aesthetically pleasing. Your tone is good. You're working with scripted material but you're then improvising some of your content and it's a nice blend. You haven't overedited it and I just wanted to say that this is a really good UA-cam video, this is engaging and personalised and informative and really I'm here to congratulate you on doing a great video. 👏
These are all great points, but I do hold issue with a venting situation, I’ve had women in my life that only want to vent and I have to sit there and listen to it for over an hour on a daily cycle and I’m not able to tell them how to fix it, which means they’re constantly venting about something that I know I could help them fix, it’s either that or I get to listen to it every day for an hour of my life, there has to be some difference between That as well. Maybe a boundary could be I don’t really want to hear you vent at me every single day and not allow me to try to help you with that particular problem. I actually have a female friend, not a girlfriend, but a female friend that I had to cut off for three months because of this very thing.
I hear you ❤️ It can be difficult, especially if it is the same issue that's ongoing and they're not able to make a change. I think it's okay to compromise here and suggest a limit. You can approach it with kindness and say, "Hey, I appreciate that you trust me and find comfort in venting to me about this thing, but it pains me to hear you talk about it so often because I see how much it hurts you. I'd love it if we could focus on spending time together as friends/partners, because I feel a little disconnected when this issue takes front and center. I know how badly it's impacting you, but it's impacting me, too, and I'd like to find a way forward. What do you think?" and see what they say. I'd make it less about "you won't allow me to fix it" because that is a valid boundary. After being a codependent "I will fix everything for everyone!" person in my 20s, I firmly believe that we do not know what is better for someone. Only they do.
Alternatively, you can also try saying, "That sucks. I know you will figure it out, because you are the only one who can." "I have faith that you'll figure it out." That sometimes has a way of sending a gentle signal that you're shutting the conversation down. I've used it with chronic complainers before.
It's crazy when you stumble upon an answer to your life situation in a UA-cam comment! Thanks Terri for outstanding answer, and thanks Captain for the question.
Great advice. Thank you. This is related to the question I just posted.
I’ve just discovered your channel as I’ve been hoping to develop more open communication in my relationship and the way you put these videos is so encouraging!
I am so glad you find it encouraging, Julia ❤️
Extremely helpful, Terri! Thank you so much!
That you Terri.. I recently procured a copy of “Boundary Boss” and am looking forward to you new book… “Too Much”…
Om Shanti Shanti Shanti
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She's always so pretty🎉
I’m new, and I’ve been enjoying your videos, thank you so much!!
Welcome, welcome, welcome! ❤️
This was one of the most eloquent videos on boundaries I've encountered. So glad I clicked on it! Thank you for sharing.
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Love this video. It opened up so many questions I wanted to talk about with my wife. Thanks a lot! I also loved your session in mindvalley!❤
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Hi Terri
I’m watching from Australia. Have you or can you do a UA-cam on Self Esteem within a relationship or friendship within the workplace and your life elsewhere?
terri you're so helpful
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Thank you, this was very helpful!
When I have a problem and I tell someone, I would be delighted to have someone fix it for me. I have a hard time understanding why people like to wallow in their problems and get so upset when someone can fix the problem they are upset about and tries. That seems very unhealthy to me. I want my problem fixed, always. I will always offer someone a compassionate ear to just let things out, but why wouldn't you want someone to help fix the thing that you are upset about if they can? To me, that makes the problem go away, I immediately feel better. No more problem. Because of this, I always try to fix someone's problem when they tell me about it. Imagine someone breaking a leg and having severe pain, wouldn't you rather have someone wave a magic wand and make the pain go away? Or would you rather they just sit there and watch you cry? It's the same basic concept. Just food for thought.
My reply to Terri's comment below that would not post:
Firstly, to be clear, I have never had anyone fix my problems, nor did I expect them to. Perhaps that's why I feel the way I do. I was however, surrounded by narcissists and toxic people most of my life. People that had very little empathy for others. My problems, when rarely if ever, expressed, were never emotional. My problems were only practical. If I shared a problem with someone else it would have been nice to have them try to fix it if they were able to. I personally never sought help with an emotional problem since I am the only one that can fix those. Secondly, why would you assume that someone thinks that you are a problem that needs to be fixed just because they are trying to help you fix something that is bothering you? That seems very unhealthy and like you are projecting your own issues onto them. Them helping you is sign that they care about you and want to help you. They just want to help you with whatever you are currently dealing with. YOU and YOU ALONE are the one that sought out their help in the first place. If you don't want advice then you need to express that at the beginning of the conversation, you can't expect someone to know that you just want to complain or vent about your problem but don't actually want to fix your problem. People aren't psychic and it's not their job to instinctively know that you don't want advice or a solution to your problem. That is very unhealthy to expect them to know that. Additionally, I have personally found that the most empathetic, caring people will try to solve your problem if they can, because their heart breaks for you and they just want to help. Personally, I find the people that don't try to help others like this, generally lack empathy and they seem very cold to me. That's just been my personal experience.
You have every right to want and allow others to fix your problems. Personally, I'm well aware that no one else can solve my problems but me. That doesn't mean that I don't brainstorm with people who I respect, that doesn't mean I don't ask for opinions at times. It means I don't want someone assuming that they know what I should do because I am not a problem for others to fix. Instead of fixing others, I simply ask, “How can I best support you right now?” and let them tell me what they need from me. So I would not describe it as sitting there watching someone else cry- more like respecting their sovereignty. ❤️
@@terri_cole Firstly, to be clear, I have never had anyone fix my problems, nor did I expect them to. Perhaps that's why I feel the way I do. I was however, surrounded by narcissists and toxic people most of my life. People that had very little empathy for others. My problems, when rarely if ever, expressed, were never emotional. My problems were only practical. If I shared a problem with someone else it would have been nice to have them try to fix it if they were able to. I personally never sought help with an emotional problem since I am the only one that can fix those.
Secondly, why would you assume that someone thinks that you are a problem that needs to be fixed just because they are trying to help you fix something that is bothering you? That seems very unhealthy and like you are projecting your own issues onto them. Them helping you is sign that they care about you and want to help you. They just want to help you with whatever you are currently dealing with. YOU and YOU ALONE are the one that sought out their help in the first place. If you don't want advice then you need to express that at the beginning of the conversation, you can't expect someone to know that you just want to complain or vent about your problem but don't actually want to fix your problem. People aren't psychic and it's not their job to instinctively know that you don't want advice or a solution to your problem. That is very unhealthy to expect them to know that.
Additionally, I have personally found that the most empathetic, caring people will try to solve your problem if they can, because their heart breaks for you and they just want to help. Personally, I find the people that don't try to help others like this, generally lack empathy and they seem very cold to me. That's just been my personal experience.
Hi Cole...this was definately helpful😊.Some of the greatest things in relationships that we tend to avoid knowingly or unknowingly.
I have learnt alot and this will sure go aloooong waaaay
So glad you found it helpful ❤️
LOVE THIS! THANK YOU!!!
Thanks, Terri. This was very helpful. 😊
You're so welcome ❤️
What boundary is being crossed when someone else projects/makes assumptions about you’re beliefs and values that they are the same when you feel they are actually quite different?
This happened to me in a dating scenario recently and I’ve felt it to be very off putting. Especially when this person stated, after me expressing I only wanted to be friends, “it’s so rare to find someone who shares your beliefs”.
While I was never attracted to them, I think they are a kind, interesting person worthy of connection but this had made it frustrating to be around them. I felt I had shared quite a bit about my views previously but this person was not seeing me only who they wanted me to be. I ended up having to be quite strongly explicit about key differences in the sensitive area of beliefs that was more confrontational than I would have liked to have been.
Are you, Terri, or anyone else, able to provide any insight to what is bothering me here so I can set a better boundary around it in the future?
Hi Cala- Not being seen accurately is painful and annoying, especially when you have tried to explain. I'm not sure how much time passed, but perhaps correct the wrong assumption sooner rather than later (as clearly as possible) and you might be less likely to be confrontational. ❤️
Excellent video! Thank you, Terri!
Thank you for being here! ❤️
Wow, that was so eye opening. Thanks!
You are so welcome ❤️
Hello dear ❤ you know this my first time to find out there is professional talking about this subject.. in my society we know very little about that and raised with no self boundaries mostly specially for girls 😢
I am so glad you found my channel then! Boundaries definitely have a big cultural element to them, especially when it comes to women and girls. ❤️
Excellent
Hi Terri, I'm wondering where the "how to communicate" falls in your boundaries? For example, texting etiquette, wanting to get an answer if we invite someone for a drink, or just feeling acknowledged after sending a sweet email to a friend. For me, it's important that my communicational investment is reciprocated. For example, I really appreciate when someone apologises for not replying sooner to a text. It's more than good manners. It's feeling respected.
Agreed! Please let me know that you got my message and understood it ( when needed)
What if you’ve told your husband multiple times that you need a few minutes to yourself when you get home from work and he still jabbers at you as soon as you get home?
I would set a consequence for him crossing that boundary. "Hey, I've mentioned several times that I need a few moments to myself when I get home from work to unwind, and then I am happy to catch up with you, but you have disregarded this. The next time you begin speaking to me as soon as I walk through the door, I am walking to the bedroom and closing the door to decompress. Please do not follow me." Be prepared to follow through. You may have to do this a few times before he adjusts. You can say it with love and kindness and remind him that you need to decompress to be able to actually connect with him after work (which is what you both want). ❤️
Very helpful!
I wish I would’ve known as 31 years ago. This is great.
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I doubt that knowing any of this will change your behavior in the least. You will keep on doing the same behaviors you have always done.
Hello I’m new to your page. I’ve recently started the journey of communicating better with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. We’ve been struggling lately. And I have always had bad communication skills and lack of boundaries.
Hi there Jessica, welcome to my channel ❤️ I hope my videos can help! I have a playlist with all my videos on communication here: ua-cam.com/play/PLMaWdZCQtiJ9ex87TFbcc_YmU8-0jT0qc.html
@@terri_cole they have helped me. I’ve been able to start opening up and communicating better. I am gonna watch some more of your videos today.
So glad to hear that 💕
Hi Terri
Thanks for this great program. In listening to you I realize how terrifying it is for me to even consider verbalizing my needs.
my greatest fear is to ‘hurt people’s feelings’ or cause them any kind of discomfort. I would much rather be uncomfortable myself than witness someone else s reactions to me setting a boundary. Do you have any recommendations to start practicing saying what I need in kind and gentle ways, or better said, to overcome my own fears and remove the stress from this process?
Hi Sylvia- I think it would help to dive into the reasons why you feel this way. Was it modeled behavior in your childhood? Were you raised in an environment where your needs did not matter or that you had to prioritize the adults in your life? I think you need to have a deeper understanding about yourself before the process becomes easier. ❤️
It’s a mind f, when you realize they don’t.
Hello Terri,
Thank you for your great videos.
I would love some advice from you. My partner and I have been together for 4 years. We also work together as acrobats, so our job is very physically and mentally demanding, not to mention dangerous. We also spend pretty much 24/7 together because of our job.
Most of our arguments tend to happen at work.
For example, today at rehearsal, I was critical of some of our skills (mainly critical of myself). He said I was being moody and started to get angry at me. When I told him I was not being moody, I was just simply pointing out some issues in my work, he got more and more angry and proceeded to swear at me in front of colleagues. It was not extremely loud, but I’m sure it was enough for people to hear. I’ve told him over 100 times that I cannot tolerate him swearing at me or calling me names, EVER. No matter the situation. He still continues to do it. When he does this, I withdraw and find it difficult to say anything as I feel so hurt. This again reinforces his anger and things just snowball. After this, I just don’t want to talk to him at all because if I stand up for myself, he will react in a defensive and petty way (“well if you weren’t so moody I wouldn’t do xyz”). He just wants me to say sorry, forgive him and move on. I find this very hard to do.
How do I set boundaries with him when we work together? For example, this incident was 30 minutes before our show, so there was no time to “discuss” and figure things out. I had to just bottle things up and trust that everything will be okay on stage.
Thank you ❤️
I am witnessing you with so much compassion as that sounds so difficult 💕 You are well within your right to tell him not to treat you this way at work (or in general!). Do you enforce the boundary? Like, "Hey, I've asked you before not to yell at me at work. The next time you do so, I will remove myself from the situation." And then walk away. Go to the bathroom and take some time to gather yourself again, even if it's just for a minute. By walking away, he might get the message more clearly.
I'd also suggest exploring whether the relationship has some elements of codependency in it, because taking on each other's moods can be a sign of that: ua-cam.com/video/EVCRyhiYePU/v-deo.html
I also have a follow-up video of how to gently heal a codependent relationship here, in case you recognize some of the signs: ua-cam.com/video/UFoTrJ6PjTc/v-deo.html
Lastly, I have a video about how to deal with a defensive partner here: ua-cam.com/video/BDLLGVCSulE/v-deo.html It includes some tips on establishing fair fighting rules, as well as some other preventative tips that may help smooth things over. It might be worth having a discussion, during a neutral time, about what tends to set these arguments off. Can you notice any patterns? It might also be worth asking why your partner got activated when you were criticizing yourself.
I hope that helps xo
@@terri_cole Hi Terri!
Thank you so much for your response.
I always ask him to stop and request he doesn’t treat me this way, but I never walk away. Next time I will try this.
I watched your video on co-dependence, and honestly I would answer no to pretty much all of the signs (from the perspective of myself and my partner) except, as you mentioned, our moods depending on each other. We almost get annoyed at each other when the other person is in a bad mood. Then everything spirals. I guess we need to find a way to slow things down before they burn up.
Thank you so much again !
Yes, definitely try walking away next time! I have a video about boundary violations and enforcing consequences here, too: ua-cam.com/video/Jrfi24SAIOg/v-deo.html
I also think it would be best to have an open conversation (if possible) about the pattern of getting annoyed when one of you is in a bad mood. Think of it as you two against the problem, rather than against each other ❤️❤️ That might spark curiosity over defensiveness. Then you might be able to institute a State of the Union meeting every-other-week to check in with each other and have a dedicated space to air grievances in a productive way (details are in the other video I linked about defensive partners).
Thank you. I’m wondering about what you said regarding sometimes people just need a compassionate listener rather than help “fixing wherever it is.” My situation is I thought I was creating a healthy boundary with a family member by saying I don’t want to hear complaining or negativity unless it’s solution focused, and we are looking for a solution. This made sense to me, but I’d like to hear your thoughts. Thanks 🙏❤️
Great Q, thank you for asking! You have a right to request that of your family member. However, your family member might also just want to vent. It could be a case where what they are looking for isn't compatible with what you'd like out of your interactions. Depending on your relationship with them, you might want to ask them what they're seeking and then look for a compromise if needed. ❤️
I also have a video on how to deal with difficult people/complainers if that's more relevant: ua-cam.com/video/DPIWbdY0Zm8/v-deo.html
Thank you so very much for responding. I will definitely watch the video that you sent.. I have been battling codependency for so many years. I taught Elementary school for 30 years and even though I lloved it, I had to take earlier retirement because I made myself sick. 😞 Your videos have come to me at just the right time. I call myself a recovering helpaholic/fixaholic. I’m really resonating with your videos and I am hearing like I’ve never heard before if that majes sense. I feel empowered like this is a new beginning and a new chapter for me in life. I can’t thank you enough. Please know how much you make a difference. Bless you. 🙏❤️
I see you, Diana ❤️ You're SO not alone. I am just getting into a season of doing a series of videos about high-functioning codependency. It's a compulsion to help and deep down, a desire for control. My newest book, Too Much: A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High-Functioning Codependency is coming out in October and if these videos are resonating, I think the book will, too. So glad you're feeling empowered ❤️❤️
Thank you so much. I truly appreciate you. I have already been listening to your videos on the high functioning codependency. You really explain things in a way that I can hear. I’m so excited to get your new book. Thank you for letting me know.
Bless you. 🙏❤️🤗
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I am here looking for ways to communicate about boundaries for communication. How frequently should one expect a partner to check in? What is unreasonable? Also about the concept of prioritizing a relationship. What does that mean exactly?
Well, how often does your partner currently check in? How often would you like them to check in? How often do THEY want to check in? If both parties are willing to compromise, what is "reasonable" becomes clearer and less of a worry.
It sometimes helps if you also communicate why you'd like your partner to check-in (for example, if it makes you feel loved or cared about). If your love language is words of affirmation, then checking in might mean a great deal to you. But if your partner's love language is touch, they might not easily understand why it's important to you. Getting clear on each other's love language can help here. ❤️
I'm not clear on what your question is on the concept of prioritizing a relationship. Could you please expand on that?
@@terri_cole Thank you Terri! Check ins for me are definitely about feeling connected but also safe as it relates to transparency and trust. For me the frequency of check ins would ideally be a couple of times a day, but might be more or less depending on specific circumstances. I am unsure about our love languages, though I did just buy the book :) Guess we can have some discussions about that.
For prioritization, I am referring I guess to say for example, prioritizing your partners needs over your buddies. Not that other things and people should not also be priority in a person's life and understanding that you should support these other priorites in your partner's life, but ultimately, if you had to choose between doing something that would have a negative impact on your partner, then you should prioritize your partner over the other thing or person. Hope that isn't unreasonable. When we were first dating, I told my person that a partner should be the priority. He said he didn't see a difference between friend and partner in that way. That was over a year ago, so we have not revisited that since, but I have not forgotten as the relationship has lasted. Not sure about perspectives and possibly wording on that subject. Would love your opinion. Thanks!
How about being criticized and shamed for having and expressing boundries.
I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ Try this vid - it's about abuse enablers, but it has scripts that might apply: ua-cam.com/video/tTTHiswTWaE/v-deo.html
Do you have a podcast about setting boundaries with friends?
I do! ua-cam.com/video/N-5xeo9slBo/v-deo.html
He doesn't want to hold my hand when we are in public bc he finds it uncomfortable to walk. For me it gives me a sense of belonging and connection. What to do?
Have you had a more in-depth discussion about it? Is there any other way you might feel that sense of connection and belonging while in public together, that doesn't bring him a feeling of discomfort? ❤️
Thank you 🌹❤️💙🌹🤩
You are so welcome ❤️
Hi Terri great vid!
In terms of boundaries with a supervisor, if I make a mistake and act rude toward my supervisor, and then apologize for it the following day, what would be the appropriate response from me when she didn't return my texts or phone call? I have to see her soon(a few weeks have gone by)and was wondering if I should bring up the fact that she ignored my text/call? I didn't like being ignored. Thank you:)
If this person has power over you in the workplace I would let it go. Your side of the street is clean because you reached out and apologized.
It's a whole nother thing when somebody is calling you names and forcing sexual things on you and you're not able to get away and nor is there room for any kind of conversation even though you've initiated it many times. What do you do in that case then because I have tried and tried to understand but I suppose I should tell you that I've got myself into a spiritual mess that I don't understand because these entities are saying that what I am doing or believe is dogma and I suppose that could be because they might believe that they can do whatever they want and it should be okay
That sounds difficult, and I am sorry you're experiencing this ❤️ I have a video that might speak to the spiritual stuff more: ua-cam.com/video/ZsrRjreX8Rw/v-deo.html
Hi Terri
Hey there!
I tried this and the man just mirrored everything and he became my yes man! Type… maybe I need to learn a better way in how to deal with this kind of situation
Hey Carolina, I'm not entirely clear on what happened and where the problem is. Are you saying that you set boundaries and stated preferences and the man went along with it completely? Or did something else happen?
I'm new here
Welcome!
Hi! I'm from Russia, and my goal is to learn about dating culture. I have two teenage daughters, and I want to give them good advice, so that they don't get lost in the hook-up culture and instead find a serious gentleman for themselves) Basically, I want them to date with the intent to marry
Hi
Hello there!
I'm just wondering about boundary violations that are repeated and could be looked at as systemic?
When I say 'repeated' I mean similar things and patterns are repeated.
Specifically, in my partnership it's about taking responsibility.
He avoids it very strenuously. Whenever I establish boundaries (which is frequently), he agrees to them but then the next time has forgotten.
I feel it is to do with the patriarchal system whereby women's tasks and women's labour is not seen. Acknowledgement would be tantamount to endebtment, I think - so acknowledging what I do is very difficult for him. Seeing that I am pushed into doing what I do, because nobody else steps up and it is about the children's welfare, is near impossible for him.
He recently said in therapy "she puts a lot of pressure on herself".
This resulted in a near breakup because I have now understood what it means.
The labour of not accepting the indignities and the injustices, and of constantly putting up boundaries, I simply feel exhausted.
On the other hand there is nowhere for me under the children to go, without him we have no home and I have very little money.
I only mention this because it is not that I am free to walk out any time. I desperately wish that were the case.
At which point, I should mention that I love him and I actually really want things to work between us. But I also know what we are currently doing is unsustainable.
Yes, absolutely! I have a video about strategic incompetence here that speaks to this a bit: ua-cam.com/video/SNUS0PvrcXY/v-deo.html
And a video on how to stop doing all the emotional labor here: ua-cam.com/video/cOVrxtWnzBw/v-deo.html
You might also like this interview I did with Laura Danger, who specializes in this topic (creating more equity at home): ua-cam.com/video/nMHfkH0OojQ/v-deo.html
I am wishing you all the best, and thank you for highlighting this as I know many women in my crew struggle with it in their relationships, too. ❤️❤️
Thank you so much for this. It's very kind of you to reply, and the links you've sent are fantastic. This is really important work you are doing here ❤️
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Hi