Stop Being Defensive + Learn to Listen | Effective Communication Tips - Terri Cole

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  • Опубліковано 23 гру 2024

КОМЕНТАРІ • 787

  • @KTLees
    @KTLees 4 роки тому +638

    I’ve been studying psychology for the last 3 years and having recently got into a serious relationship after being mostly single for the last 10 years. I’ve just realised after several disagreements that I am very defensive in most of my relationships. It’s so deeply ingrained in me to be defensive that I don’t even realise it, I just go into attack/wounded mode. Now I’ve had this deep realisation that being defensive is damaging my relationships, I can do something about it. Just feels kinda rough to know I’ve got to his age without realising this :(

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  4 роки тому +70

      Be kind with yourself, Katie. Let yourself be patient with the process and let it take time. ❤️

    • @beckydobbs2760
      @beckydobbs2760 3 роки тому

      PWe said ii

    • @valentinepetric3689
      @valentinepetric3689 3 роки тому +20

      Hey katie, dont feel discouraged please. Its amazing the realisation you have had and i think it couldnt have come at any better time. The universe works in magical ways and who knows maybe the other relationships (even as friends) didnt deserve this type of nurturing from you. I admire the fact that you were able to open your eyes to whats going on. Some people are dead and still havent opened their eyes!

    • @KTLees
      @KTLees 3 роки тому +1

      @@valentinepetric3689 thank you ❤️

    • @preciousheavenlyculture8886
      @preciousheavenlyculture8886 2 роки тому +9

      You are not alone. I’m doing the best I can to be better

  • @bealambwouldya
    @bealambwouldya 4 роки тому +329

    Here I am 😭I’m trying to heal so I can have a healthy relationship

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  4 роки тому +10

      Right on!!

    • @user-zk5vh3od3l
      @user-zk5vh3od3l 3 роки тому +19

      Me too ✋ I'm defensive because I don't listen , I didn't notice this . I feel so lost , it's years now

  • @Mun_yeong
    @Mun_yeong 10 місяців тому +54

    Being in a toxic household makes you react first than to respond. It became a serious issue of mine where I've always been reflecting on myself noticing that it's my wrong..
    You come to defensive mode, you get triggered, feel low, less and you become toxic without even noticing..
    I think reflecting on our actions is kinda hard thing but a necessary thing.
    What's the sad thing is, it's even more difficult to explain this to someone..

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  10 місяців тому +2

      Thank you so much for sharing this 💕 "Being in a toxic household makes you react first than to respond" makes so much sense.

    • @JamesBond-vo3lz
      @JamesBond-vo3lz 10 днів тому

      This is exactly my problem. I come from a toxic home, with parents who had a horrible relationship but didn't want to get divorced. My boyfriend however comes from a home with loving affectionate parents. I'm having such a difficult time not being defensive allll the time, to just let go of things and being okay with being wrong. And it's rlly bad for our relationship :(

  • @thescatman5029
    @thescatman5029 5 місяців тому +21

    I just lost a longtime friendship, due to me being "defensive." I realized that I still have multiple types of unhealed trauma, such as sibling abuse, neighborhood bullying and abandonment. I am crying as I write this! I wish I didn't feel this way!

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  5 місяців тому +2

      I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending love your way ❤️❤️

    • @empress9857
      @empress9857 2 місяці тому +1

      Wow hold your head up it’s a good thing that you were able to see your end in it that’s progress

  • @joliearytravels
    @joliearytravels 3 роки тому +249

    My family members always had something negative to say about me from since I was young, I always stayed quiet, and felt sad. Then as I got older I started to defend my self. It got so bad that I even get defensive at work when my managers speak to me. 😞

  • @rubencabral1838
    @rubencabral1838 2 роки тому +96

    I'm embarassed to admit that its taken me this long to realise that I have poor listening skills. In the span of 2 years, any fight ive had with my girlfriend was caused by me not listening. Its been brought up and I've been trying but i wasn't trying in the right way. I was still not listening to her and still trying to fix the problem instead of hearing her fully. This video was helpful in giving me the knowledge on how best to improve myself to give my partner what she deserves.

    • @empress9857
      @empress9857 2 місяці тому

      Hey same here I give us our credits for finally coming to the acknowledgment and self realization from my partners n my kids
      I yell a lot
      My tone is always aggressive
      I over talk
      And assume I’m working on it
      But knowing and continually doing it sucks 😅because ya Ik but I cannot keep doing the same thing. A lot steams from not being heard or feeling taken advantage of so I’m seeking on yt google n within on how to respond and react when triggered like they say yelling isn’t gonna change anything 🤦🏽‍♀️ well it’s a weapon I use to justify how I’m feeling which doesn’t make it right
      Yes I have insecurities within n trust issues with the past so the relationship is a challenge however if my partner could understand how there actions make me feel I would feel better and connected so it’s like within I be wanting to break up and then outwardly sht that would be for everything which isn’t right nor loyal but the fact that the pass wasn’t smooth n it’s a struggle tryna come to a common ground we both just feel our views are right n nothing is never solved

  • @amphionification
    @amphionification Рік тому +153

    Being defensive has been a huge struggle for me. I have gotten to the point where I can let things roll off my back at work, but my relationship with my partner suffers because I assume I am being attacked when I'm not. Thank you for sharing your insight with us!

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  Рік тому +4

      You're so welcome. Thanks for being here ❤️

    • @Mulangtm
      @Mulangtm Рік тому +4

      At least you acknowledge you have a problem.

  • @deepikadj22verma62
    @deepikadj22verma62 2 роки тому +23

    1. Criticism
    2. Defensiveness
    3. Contempt and
    4. Stonewalling

  • @Mindyzzzzz
    @Mindyzzzzz Рік тому +12

    Because my family deemed me as the scapegoat I’ve been defending me since childhood, healing and growing past being defensive is my goal.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  Рік тому +1

      That is beautiful ❤️ It is difficult when it's an ingrained response from childhood, but so worth healing.

  • @Lifestyleforreal
    @Lifestyleforreal Місяць тому +3

    Keep going, Terri Cole! You don’t just have a UA-cam channel-you’ve created a university where I’ve learned so much for free. Thank you! ✌️

  • @mysteryvan3338
    @mysteryvan3338 3 роки тому +109

    This video just saved my marriage. I knew I was contributing to our problems but could not figure out how or how to change it. Now I can see the cycle and solutions clearly! Thank you! 🙏🏽

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  3 роки тому +4

      I'm so glad this resonated with you, Isadora! Thank you for being here 🥰 Sending love to you and your partner.

    • @laurenbazarnyj2804
      @laurenbazarnyj2804 2 роки тому +1

      Beautiful! I love when we all help one another!

    • @tsubakihoshiko8348
      @tsubakihoshiko8348 Рік тому

      I hope I can find the same help. I stonewall when my wife wants to have serious conversations. I get so anxious, nervous and afraid and I’ve not been able to ever get over it. And it’s caused so many terrible issues in our relationship.

  • @edwinhernandez3793
    @edwinhernandez3793 Рік тому +99

    Wow. This video just made me discover myself. I am a certified defender, I recently lost the love of my life because every time she tried to talk to me about issues I would instantly feel attacked and get defensive. She called me out on it too but I was so blind and didn’t even realize how much I was hurting her and our relationship. It hurts so much knowing I could’ve been so much better for her, and that it took me so long to discover this about myself.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  Рік тому +8

      I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you as you discover more about what this means for you ❤️

    • @laurahell
      @laurahell Рік тому +5

      This is an amazing revelation & I respect you for having the courage to acknowledge it ❤

    • @Hello11235
      @Hello11235 Рік тому +3

      Wow! This comment shows SO much growth. Well done for learning about yourself and trying to become better as a person and a partner.

    • @KlaraP9423
      @KlaraP9423 Рік тому +3

      I applaud your honesty and I commend you for being open minded enough to see it, recognize it and most importantly to take responsibility in such a public way. If only more people were willing to look at themselves so honestly, imagine how many relationships could be saved? Hugs from Canada 🇨🇦

    • @Nina-ur3ld
      @Nina-ur3ld 9 місяців тому +2

      Do you feel better? Do you find a new partner?

  • @EricHopkinsEHollywood
    @EricHopkinsEHollywood Місяць тому +4

    Debate vs Dialogue really made things clear on what I’ve been doing. I’ve always approached our confrontation like a debate

  • @mosesmaina5801
    @mosesmaina5801 4 роки тому +94

    I've been defensive for the longest time and I did not even realize it. Always thought that me explaining why I did something or how I did it, makes it easier for the other person, especially if it's something that hurt them.
    It's about time I unlearn this. Thanks

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  4 роки тому +2

      Thank you for sharing this. I am sure you are not alone in how you feel. I am glad to hear you are committed to growing. I am witnessing you and sending you strength.

    • @wizzyb9761
      @wizzyb9761 4 роки тому +15

      SAME! I just learned this today. I always overexplain in an attempt to be understood and had no idea it was defensiveness. I have a lot more work to do than I thought. :/

    • @divinebeginnings3741
      @divinebeginnings3741 3 роки тому

      @@wizzyb9761 cheers to you for being able to see thyself in such a way that opens up self growth 👏🏼 Not many ppl are brave enough to look in the mirror ~ most are too busy pointing fingers (not realizing when you point a finger at someone else, 4 are pointing back at them 😉)

    • @akhilgupta7905
      @akhilgupta7905 8 місяців тому

      I have the exact same feeling. Need to unlearn this.

  • @relletransparent8160
    @relletransparent8160 9 місяців тому +6

    i loved hearing that the bridge to intimacy is being an athletic listener.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  9 місяців тому +1

      Thank you for sharing that takeaway ❤️

  • @Safespacekewithmonini
    @Safespacekewithmonini 3 роки тому +19

    I have come to realise that am getting extremely defensive and like I don't give myself time to really listen..really process another person's point of view..I think am too sensitive..and I need to unlearn it..I need to learn how to get ,understand. Hear out another person's point of view..instead of always playing the victim and justifying my actions

  • @cherrith_7381
    @cherrith_7381 4 місяці тому +8

    Its crazy because most people (or just me) dont even realize they are being defensive. I heard your story about your boss and i rlly saw myself in that.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  4 місяці тому +2

      That's why I'm all about us raising our awareness 💕 So glad you could see yourself in the story I shared!

    • @coreyondavis6032
      @coreyondavis6032 4 місяці тому

      i think its apart of human nature, that we are in a state of survival in all aspects so we get defensive to survive or live

  • @janathelamb3
    @janathelamb3 4 роки тому +200

    I love this. But how do I do this without feeling like I’m being a doormat and just being agreeable to keep the peace?

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  4 роки тому +115

      You can listen to the other person and also listen to yourself and your own needs. Advocating for your own needs is not being a doormat. Putting your partnership above your need to be right is also not being a doormat. It's about coming together and compromising and it is hard to do that from a place where you are always trying to defend that you're right. You can listen AND work in partnership.

    • @janathelamb3
      @janathelamb3 4 роки тому +9

      Terri Cole Real Love RevolutionTM Thanks!!

    • @elhadjdiallo633
      @elhadjdiallo633 4 роки тому +19

      Give the abuser a stonewalling or discard him or her .....some folks are narcissists , sociopaths and psychopaths ......silence treatment is the best response to a fool ...loving people is an accutate solution some time some pepple you gotta love them from a distance because you don't know what they 're doing behind close door......i will never compromise my pride dignity sanity and integrity to anyone in this universe.......love yourself to walk away from anything that doesn't serve you ....

    • @curtisdrummerellerbe9544
      @curtisdrummerellerbe9544 4 роки тому +9

      A lot of times people tell me over and over again to stop being defensive on the actually being offensive and I want to times I have reasons for me defending himself I honestly do not just do it just to be doing and I’m being defensive is ready for a valid reason and I think a lot of people when they say stop being defensive a lot of times they’re doing it so they could do what they want

    • @hayleyswanson2766
      @hayleyswanson2766 3 роки тому +6

      This is an old comment but I want you to know I completely feel you right how. And I know no one can tell me how to do that. Or if it’s the right thing to do. But we alone probably know and tell ourselves but can’t just yet.... I get you 💕

  • @ARluvr1
    @ARluvr1 9 місяців тому +4

    Man what an eye opening video. As a kid my dad was so critical of everything I did and all I wanted to do was make him happy, so I’m extremely defensive. Now I employ this on my wife and anytime she asks a question a take it personally. Man I’m horrible for that.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  9 місяців тому

      I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ That's a powerful insight to have!

  • @jhbiewen
    @jhbiewen 2 роки тому +37

    Katie, have hope, I'm 64 and my kids just pointed out how defensive and teary I get when they have issues with me. So, we're all on the learning path. In my case, my son stopped talking to me because it never went anywhere. He said get therapy, which I have started, but that doesn't seem to be addressing this issue. This episode alone, did more for me than the last 2 months of therapy sessions. Thank you Terri for your concise, approach to how to address this issue. I'm so glad I found you and looking forward to catching up on your podcasts.

  • @nikkyluv2244
    @nikkyluv2244 4 місяці тому +4

    Very helpful and thank you. I am a natural fighter and defensive person… it stems from my childhood and the more I continue to heal within the more I am committed to being the best version of myself. I don’t want to fight anyone and I don’t care about being right…. I want peace

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  4 місяці тому

      Love this, thanks for sharing ❤️

  • @calebbright8289
    @calebbright8289 2 місяці тому +2

    I think you just. changed. my life. Thank you. Thank you 1000x

  • @shannonm2005
    @shannonm2005 Рік тому +4

    I’m here because I’m completely alone. Alienated myself from my family, my significant other and my best friend.
    I’m very lost and here to try and correct instead of continuing in this trap. I’m grateful for this priceless information.

  • @courtneygalanti4733
    @courtneygalanti4733 5 місяців тому +3

    I’m here in 2024, trying to be intentional about my social media use by listening to videos that help me improve or that I love in some way, and I just felt like the sentence “do you want to be right or do you want to be understood “ hit me like a freight train and brought tears to my eyes. I only want to be understood and felt isolated and alone as a child, so when I get defensive I feel like my inner child trying to protect me but really it’s just caging me in and not giving my partner a chance to understand me. Thank you for this video!

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  5 місяців тому

      I am witnessing you with so much compassion, Courtney ❤️ Thank you for sharing this with us.

  • @yveqeshy
    @yveqeshy Рік тому +33

    I love this conversation so much. I have realized that the softness you are speaking about will come to me the more I build my emotional awareness and develop myself emotionally. I was just reflecting on my life and I realized that I have been in survival mode up until a little over a year ago when it became apparent to me that I lacked emotional safety right from my family of origin. It is the reason why I have struggled to maintain healthy relationships, have struggled to even grow in my career, I struggled to maintain a good relationship with my siblings and I even talked myself out of parenting because within myself I could see that I was lacking somewhere but it wasn't until I started to do more healing work and learning how to connect with my emotions and rewire them that I realized that some of these things like letting go of defensiveness and fear of criticism will come to you as you keep rewiring your emotional circuitry and building emotional safety within yourself. That is when the changes start to really happen. You become less insecure about yourself and have room for empathy and an ability to listen to others and hold space for them. But you can't achieve all that before you do this work on yourself first.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  Рік тому +1

      Thank you for sharing and being here ❤️

    • @KlaraP9423
      @KlaraP9423 Рік тому +1

      I wish there was a hug emoji rather than just a thumbs up 'like'...well done and so insightful with understanding about who you are and why. Hugs from Canada 🇨🇦

    • @reposentraquilitywithkingc3370
      @reposentraquilitywithkingc3370 Рік тому

      Very profound insight on the connections of yourself and emotions and the defensiveness. Being someone who has 2 kids and a husband with a struggling marriage so you have abhorrent recommend any resources you used to get this work started or a starting point??

  • @Lucindarella18
    @Lucindarella18 5 місяців тому +2

    I like the bit about being "future-focused" when talking about a "past" misdemeanour. So much more constructive. 👏

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  5 місяців тому

      Thanks for sharing ❤️

  • @iiaaannnn
    @iiaaannnn 9 місяців тому +4

    So I had a fight with my man and I appreciate this video that explains all that happened. He wanted to win in a debate but I wanted to understand him more in a dialog. Debate and dialog are same to him as taking. I hope after watching this he can understand the difference and how intention behind taking makes a difference. ❤

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  9 місяців тому

      Thank you for sharing, so glad it was helpful ❤️

  • @ezramandolph9285
    @ezramandolph9285 Рік тому +108

    I’m getting defensive watching this. lol

    • @billshunnybunny
      @billshunnybunny 8 місяців тому +6

      😂

    • @joietotheworld222
      @joietotheworld222 6 місяців тому +11

      Me, because I realized that I am guilty of stonewalling while I thought I was being silent to avoid saying something out of anger.

    • @agape843
      @agape843 4 місяці тому

      😂

    • @Arysia8
      @Arysia8 4 місяці тому

      😂😂😂

    • @clintonlesueur481
      @clintonlesueur481 Місяць тому

      Stupid

  • @ritafbugge
    @ritafbugge Місяць тому +1

    I used to have an answer and an opinion or comment on everything before the other person was finished taking. I’ve learned to stop that in my 50’s and become more interested in asking many questions. But now I feel very lonely because I’ve noticed people just want to talk and they never ask me anything. It’s been very lonely but I’ve noticed a shift and a balance happening lately. I think it’s also about falling in love with yourself and you will become less reactive because you get more self confidence.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  Місяць тому

      I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️ I have a short video about how to navigate this situation here because it's unfortunately a common occurrence: ua-cam.com/video/jPgCS4Dosqk/v-deo.html

  • @sugloja
    @sugloja Рік тому +22

    Wow, this made me understand how I am part of the problem and issues in my relationship. I want to be better for me and for those I love around me. I am very defensive and my past isn’t an excuse . Im ready to move forward and work on these things about myself.

  • @alexderouen635
    @alexderouen635 4 дні тому +2

    Thank you so much Terri, you have once again opened my eyes/ears to creating more effective communications. I will continue to use this new information tonight to better strenghten these new skills.

  • @jtcarrey
    @jtcarrey 5 років тому +53

    This made me cry... I need to change my responses

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  5 років тому +5

      I'm cheering you on and holding space for you.

    • @jtcarrey
      @jtcarrey 5 років тому +1

      @@terri_cole Thank you, I'm trying but there seems to be a barrier, and I'm not sure what it is...

    • @desigirlincanada_pg
      @desigirlincanada_pg 3 роки тому +2

      @@jtcarrey Fear of confrontation?

    • @jtcarrey
      @jtcarrey 3 роки тому

      @@desigirlincanada_pg hmm... probably, still battling this!

    • @jessicacollins8214
      @jessicacollins8214 3 роки тому +2

      You are not alone. We all have work to do. This was a great first step for all of us! (hugs)

  • @ericajsa2357
    @ericajsa2357 8 місяців тому +3

    This hit me so hard Terri😰
    For the first time I actually understood what is going on in my relationship… I know we have something amazing and beautiful, and could never understand why I always got defensive😢 I have so much work to do and first I need to get this deep rooted apology out.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  8 місяців тому

      So glad it resonated ❤️

  • @allenwalker9315
    @allenwalker9315 4 місяці тому +5

    As a man i actually am learning this to be less defensive to be better to guys out there we need to learn to listen and umderstanding

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  4 місяці тому

      Cheering you on, Allen 🙌

  • @BlackIvy
    @BlackIvy Рік тому +4

    Wow, I needed this video. My partner called me defensive during a heated conversation, and now i realise we have a lot of debates that i intend to be dialouge. I realise I am actually defensive, and i had no idea 😮 Thanks for the tips im going to start implementing.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  Рік тому

      You're so welcome, glad these tips helped ❤️

  • @healthywealthycamper
    @healthywealthycamper Рік тому +1

    My husband just described me as a complainer. I recognized that I probably am. This talk helped me see myself. Thank you.

  • @meganramsey4743
    @meganramsey4743 Рік тому +9

    This video is extremely helpful for me. Sometimes you do not even realize you are a defensive person until it is pointed out and that can bring a lot of guilt. These tips to dealing with it is so helpful. Thank you for sharing this wisdom!

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  Рік тому

      I am so glad it was helpful for you, Megan! ❤️

  • @Michael-nx5mw
    @Michael-nx5mw 4 роки тому +38

    Thank you, I need to stop this because I'm emotionally hurting people around me by doing it.

    • @elhadjdiallo633
      @elhadjdiallo633 4 роки тому

      Yes you have to stop being defensive sir...learn to respond versus of reacting... I dont mean to be vulgar , rude or disrespectful sir... Take care of yoursel... And i wish you well...

    • @elhadjdiallo633
      @elhadjdiallo633 4 роки тому

      Im looking for an immigration Attorney if you could please.....i know you in person i have never meet you before ...my instinct tell me perhaps you might be of help ...i will be waiting for your request promply...

    • @elhadjdiallo633
      @elhadjdiallo633 4 роки тому

      I was saying i don't know you in person and have never met you before

    • @Michael-nx5mw
      @Michael-nx5mw 4 роки тому +4

      @@elhadjdiallo633 Thank you, I have in fact come a long way since i wrote this 9 months ago. Doing a lot better than ever before, mcuh to the joy of everyone close to me.

    • @arifahgaps
      @arifahgaps 4 місяці тому

      @@elhadjdiallo633

  • @katehiltz9551
    @katehiltz9551 3 роки тому +4

    Wow! Dialogue vs debate...that is a game changer for me. My husband and I are stuck in debate mode and we both end up losing....time for me to change the dance!

  • @valentinepetric3689
    @valentinepetric3689 3 роки тому +2

    I like the idea of the future request. It almost doesnt even give the person next you time to react and get defensive because youre already focused on solving the issue at hand. It might not be as simple in real life but you understand my point

  • @ethereal8167
    @ethereal8167 Рік тому +1

    As a guy this even helped. Thank you Terri Cole

  • @caleuxx9108
    @caleuxx9108 4 роки тому +30

    It is really hard to be "soft", when the other person's actions and/or words evoke very very strong emotions - can be triggered emotions. Delaying the conversation is not always appropriate or possible. Being from a dysfunctional family with a narcissistic father, where a lot of unconstructive hurtful toxic unhelpful (destructive) criticism was given out (critisicm from a stance of perfectionism and superiority), I understand, why people (including me) might deny reality and be defensive. I have found that it really is necessary to first try to discern, whether the criticism is constructive or destructive. Also, I have found it is helpful to discern, whether the criticizor is a toxic/narcissistic person or a good enough person. From what I have noticed - the worst type of defensiveness is actually agressive retaliation - person B says something that person A doesnt like (facts, opinion about politician, personal preferance for vacation, constructive criticism, etc) , so person A verbally attacks person B (sarcasm, yelling, destructive critisicm, passive-agressively, etc.)....

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  4 роки тому +1

      Thank you for sharing! Excellent insight, and I appreciate you being here. ❤️

  • @peilin6212
    @peilin6212 3 роки тому +24

    What about helping overly defensive people who would seek to defend themselves and hurt your feelings deeply every time you try to communicate with them? They turn every conversation into a debate, even though your intent was about communication. I once told them that I was deeply hurt by their defensiveness and their inability to listen. That person asked me to admit that they have hurt them (which is what they intend to do) and they simply brushed me off by laughing loudly at my vulnerability in my face. It has happened many times, repeatedly for many years. She would even take out her anger and frustration at me (especially after work) Out of self-love and self-respect, I have decided to move on and remove her from my life trusting that there are people out there capable of healthy communication and reliable relationships. I would say, you cannot change someone unless they are willing to change themselves.

    • @trixieknits
      @trixieknits 2 роки тому +4

      I have this same situation with my husband. I have issues also, but I do try to work on it. I just feel like we can never move forward.

    • @mirianalogara2909
      @mirianalogara2909 Рік тому +1

      You're not alone. I had to remove myself from family members. I still see them, but I don't engage with them. I just maintain a very diplomatic relationship with them. As soon as I see that it can get problematic, I take my distance. There's no other way. People like that, not always chage.

    • @ct6852
      @ct6852 7 місяців тому +3

      It can be hard to recognize when someone is misunderstanding on purpose. Narcissists and toxic people do that kind of thing a lot, and it can shade your perception on other interactions.

  • @InTheHillCountry
    @InTheHillCountry 5 місяців тому +1

    I’ve been listening to this video almost every morning before work. I grew up in an abusive, extremist-religious household, and at nearly 30 years old, my natural instinct is still to go into self-protective mode. This video has been immensely helpful for me in saving my job and relationships. Thank you, thank you. ❤

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  5 місяців тому +1

      I am so happy to hear it's providing value for you 💕

  • @taylora3830
    @taylora3830 2 роки тому +3

    I grew up in a home where that was my parents. Both very different personalities, but toxic traits the same. Mom way worse though. It is a debate every time, it is a waiting game to tell me how I am wrong. This brought out some angry feelings in me but not in a bad way. It’s confirmed trying to have dialogue with my parents might not ever be anything but a debate. I want to break the cycle. Thank you for this.

  • @andradragan8978
    @andradragan8978 5 років тому +13

    Excellent topic. Very very important. Which makes me think of competitive people in a friendship or marriage. I had to end some friendships due to this reason.

  • @HectorJohnson-bz8tb
    @HectorJohnson-bz8tb 9 місяців тому +2

    Listening is the bridge to intimacy, love it! Been looking for this. I have to start from the basics. I’ve been unable to have true intimacy for most my life. This helps so much, thank you!

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  9 місяців тому

      I am so glad it's helpful to you!

  • @Pippylova
    @Pippylova 4 роки тому +17

    I've been trying to be less defensive, I just got into an ugly fight with my husband over a loose pot handle (because I handle them to roughly) and I got very defensive. Thank you for this video.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  4 роки тому +5

      I'm witnessing you with compassion. It's ok to be human and have a reaction. As we get more awareness we can start to choose different reactions. Thank you for being here and for investing in yourself!

  • @leospectrum
    @leospectrum 6 місяців тому +3

    Just discovered you thanks to Women With Impact and I adore your energy and how you explain things. Thank you so much for all that you share with the world. I’m truly inspired by women like you and I’m truly grateful I get to hear your wise words. ❤

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  6 місяців тому +1

      Well thank you for coming over here to check out my channel! I appreciate you and I'm so glad you're enjoying my videos 💕

  • @Hello11235
    @Hello11235 Рік тому +7

    New here! Im a psychologist myself and your channel is a gem! What a find. Love the calmness in your voice and the pace at which you speak. I have shared your channel with my loved ones. Thank you for putting out this content for free

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  Рік тому +1

      Welcome to my crew, MD, and thank you for the kind words ❤️

  • @Theluvlylook
    @Theluvlylook 2 місяці тому +1

    Thankyou so much! I wasn’t aware that I was being defensive, my goal was to give reassurance but this video helped me realize I am doing the exact opposite of that. I want to work on my communication skills and listening skills to strengthen my relationship with the love of my life

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  2 місяці тому

      It sounds like you're on your way ❤️

  • @alexisharper5897
    @alexisharper5897 5 місяців тому +1

    My husband is a real one we both have our set childhood relearnings but we haven’t given up I struggle with this a lot and he needs to be heard because he didn’t get that as a child I was so used to spacing out it feels so good to finally have people be so open thank you sending love!

  • @barbero7946
    @barbero7946 3 роки тому +8

    I have myself a very good woman but I'm so hurt on the inside that I tend to take it out on pur relationship, communication being one .. I'm sick and tired of myself , I want to make this work between my partner and I. Thank you for your help! God bless you

  • @jomo3321
    @jomo3321 4 роки тому +2

    Well thanks. I'm a man but I cried in the middle of this because I feel knowing listens within my family. It's confirming my thoughts that we shouldn't compete. I felt lost like what's wrong with me. Now I feel sad cuzz my family is so hurt. I will be soooooo much softer with my approach cuzz they are hurting only themselves now

  • @ananddayal1631
    @ananddayal1631 10 місяців тому +4

    Kindly, keep non-English speaking people in mind while presenting, your topics are very helpful and effective.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  10 місяців тому

      Thank you for watching 💕 Is there something specific you'd like to see in my videos that would be helpful for you?

  • @Mushroom321-
    @Mushroom321- 5 років тому +6

    So true!," Its better to be happy then proving this or that that's right.. 👍🏼

  • @maimona1272
    @maimona1272 5 років тому +22

    I get defensive which causes all the problems you mentioned accurately.
    This is definitely useful and helpful. Thank you so much

  • @CharlieSolis
    @CharlieSolis 9 днів тому +1

    I just have to first say how much gratitude I have for you and your videos that you put out. Thank you so much 🙏❤️‍🔥
    these have been so helpful for me and figuring out my own defensiveness behaviors.
    But secondly, I want to say just sorry I am that you had to learn this lesson from your boss in such a way.
    Yea. It was probably extraordinarily formative for making the lesson stick. I’ll give you that.
    But, while your boss was right, your responses to him were technically what were making you defensive, I would argue though that the way he made you learn this lesson is what made him a bad leader.
    He missed an opportunity to not only teach you that lesson but do it while also making you feel heard about why you were doing what you did the way you did.
    Who’s to say you didn’t know a better way?
    Given a crisis scenario, sure, yes, 100%, that kind of “chit chat” (if you will) should be stowed, so that critical operational functions are carried out. (But if you were so new you shouldn’t have been put in such a crisis situation without first getting the proper on-boarding, vetting, or need to know anyway)
    But on a run of the mill work day on a Tuesday at 8am… he missed out on not only giving you the opportunity to learn this lesson about your defensiveness and show you that he also still valued your thoughts and input (as well as show everyone around him that he still approached you with the belief that he had something to learn from you, even if he didn’t too),…
    but he missed out on maybe even getting a better way to do what he ultimately wanted done potentially saving him or the company time and money (that he might be letting his ego get in the way of the organization benefiting from),
    he missed an opportunity to make you feel confident about learning this new lesson and that you have space to make mistakes continuing to learn it, that if you do make mistakes you won’t be lashed back at (which could have potentially resulted in you needing to have to have the personal maturity to rightfully know to separate yourself to be able to collect yourself because the space you were in literally couldn’t have been a safe enough space for you to do that in if you felt you had to leave it to collect yourself in the first place. 🤷‍♂️)
    he missed giving an opportunity for his other employees around to further chime in with additional support allowing you to not only feel in a safe space with your boss but also everyone in his leadership,
    Which means he missed an opportunity to further organically weave a network of safety and security amongst all his staff that extends beyond his personal individual reach, relieving his employees individual mental stressors of everyones constantly relearned mind numbing lesson of “mommy and daddy aren’t going to save me this time…” BUT while also not leaving you to handle the trauma alone BECAUSE “bother, sister, friend, colleague, secretary, manager, boss’s boss, heck even office cubical neighbor… is there, willing and at the ready to help support you if you need it.”
    And most importantly he missed an opportunity to help you learn how to do that for the person right behind you coming in in case he wasn’t their to provide the safe space for them to learn that lesson in no less, not having to micromanage his safe spaces amongst his people while also not having to micromanage his office work spaces.
    Though, I wouldn’t be sitting here having learned how much those opportunities were missed had the two of you not carried out the multigenerational alchemy of living that all out, documenting it and then sharing it for anyone to see. 🙏❤️‍🔥
    Again, thank you for giving me that safe space to have learned this lesson in that you were not offered to learn it in. 🙇‍♂️
    It will forever make me a better human. 🙏🥹

  • @RuthElliottHilsdon9
    @RuthElliottHilsdon9 Рік тому +3

    I LOVE YOU, Terri! You are SO good at explaining the hard to explain shenanigans of our inner landscape!

  • @tristancollins3545
    @tristancollins3545 2 роки тому +2

    I have recognized that I gaslight my partner by denying or questioning complaints they make about my behavior. Usually she will say "You said/did something two weeks/a month ago, and it made me feel bad/sad/disgusted/disappointed."
    Now, if what she claims I said or did, didn't actually happen, or I genuinely can't remember it, or I remember it differently, how can I genuinely respond or respectfully disagree without her feeling like I'm questioning her reality and subsequently gaslighting her?
    If I genuinely remember the event or what I said, then of COURSE I will acknowledge it and her feelings. I care about and love her deeply, and want to better myself by being present in these moments, so that she feels acknowledged. What I don't want is to be in a position where I'm always blindly accepting every complaint or criticism she communicates, especially when she uses absolute language ("you always... you never... you do/say XYZ every time... ).

  • @camozki
    @camozki 9 місяців тому +2

    Thank you so much for taking the time to put this conversation and these tips out there. So incredibly valuable and left me with a lot to think about 🙏🏼

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  9 місяців тому

      I am so glad to hear they were valuable for you 💕

  • @tegajemimahasifor5423
    @tegajemimahasifor5423 2 роки тому +13

    This is so eye opening…I’m always wanting to be right and it causes some friendships and other relationships to end,so I’m grateful for this , hopefully I’m able to work on this to improve my relationships

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  2 роки тому +1

      I'm so glad this resonated for you ❤️

  • @MehriJane
    @MehriJane 5 місяців тому +2

    Thank you!! This makes me realize how I communicate 💛

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  5 місяців тому

      I'm so glad it was helpful for you ❤️

  • @glam_blaze
    @glam_blaze 4 місяці тому +1

    You’re such a graceful and thoughtful communicator. This is my first time seeing you in my life but this video is sufficient for me to subscribe.
    Thank you for this.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  4 місяці тому

      That warms my heart to hear 💕 Welcome to my channel!

  • @angiesmith9293
    @angiesmith9293 Рік тому +2

    I’m with a narcissist partner, but I have gotten very defensive with him to the point of interrupting him. We are broken up right now and my defensiveness is one of the reasons. My heart is hurting badly but I know I have to work on it. Thank you so much for this great video! I’m doing so much better already. Sad that I’m 55 and just perfecting this. I’m sad. I might lose this relationship but I’m thankful that I found out many things I need to work on. I’m hurting but very thankful. Please pray for me. Thank you! Hugs!

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  Рік тому

      I am witnessing you with compassion and sending love ❤️

    • @angiesmith9293
      @angiesmith9293 Рік тому

      Thank you so much!

  • @ellemoo44
    @ellemoo44 Рік тому +2

    I always wondered why I was getting triggered around debaters! I am a dialogue person... I dont want to go there! Its as simple as that. Thank you so much

  • @sherrysunshinefreeman3434
    @sherrysunshinefreeman3434 11 місяців тому +3

    Thank you and God bless you!😊❤

  • @NiNa-rb3qw
    @NiNa-rb3qw 16 днів тому +1

    Thank you so much for this! I always struggled how to translate these concepts into the actual conversations and your examples really helped with that!

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  14 днів тому

      I'm so glad to hear that! ❤️

  • @christelnielandt5117
    @christelnielandt5117 7 місяців тому +1

    Wonderful episode !!! I am guilty of interrupting a conversation …. LOVE to teach myself to become a much better listener and yes, it is so easy to go into defence mode. Great video. Am excited to learn much more 🙏❤️

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  7 місяців тому

      So glad you liked it 💕

  • @mariavassiliou1902
    @mariavassiliou1902 4 роки тому +3

    This was so helpful to me. I have ruined my relationship with the best person on the planet because of my defensiveness & inability to communicate effectively. Thank you

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  4 роки тому

      I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space for you.

  • @loneranger6944
    @loneranger6944 3 роки тому +1

    Why is there dislikes on this video? This is probably the best thing ever

  • @MaxwellDjecoIII
    @MaxwellDjecoIII Рік тому +3

    Damn . You've mastered the art of talking

  • @sayusayme7729
    @sayusayme7729 Рік тому +1

    Thank you, this has truly affected me most of my life until and still struggling at times. My willingness to see how relationships thrive or dissolve has always been intriguing. Yet, putting into practice with others, I believe the other counterpart often stokes the embers .. like when e Eckhart speaks on the “ pain body “ unraveling takes practice. I’m an introvert so my subjects are few and far between.
    Mindfulness helps, with breathing, pausing and yes. Really listening.
    Thank you. No desire to win.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  Рік тому +1

      Thanks for sharing and watching ❤️

    • @sayusayme7729
      @sayusayme7729 Рік тому

      @@terri_cole thank you for your incredible work.

  • @tweery
    @tweery Рік тому +4

    needed to hear this and acknowledge that my actions led to the loss of my relationship. embracing change and forgiving myself for not knowing better.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  Рік тому

      I am witnessing you with compassion ❤️

  • @ladymilford04
    @ladymilford04 4 місяці тому +1

    This was amazing. I have to unlearn my behavior of defensiveness. Thank you

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  4 місяці тому

      You're so welcome ❤️

  • @anchalaggarwal8750
    @anchalaggarwal8750 Рік тому +5

    Hi Terri, This is your first video I watched today and I simply loved the way you have explained the topic. Being defensive is such a deep rooted thing and you touched this topic in such an effective way that it really made me aware of the reason why I was struggling in my relationships. Thank you so so much Terri. 🙏

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  Рік тому +1

      I am so glad it resonated with you ❤️❤️

  • @HelenaGLongbottom53
    @HelenaGLongbottom53 3 роки тому +6

    At school I was picked on, left out and laughed at. Home life I had my mum and her boyfriend picking on me, calling me ugly and putting me down. Also anything I said was wrong, and I was suddenly too “TALL” for cuddles. I haven’t hugged my mum for years because she doesn’t like hugging me. It’s come out with authority figures and when people try to tell me what to do. As you grow up, you realise you can defend yourself but it becomes a problem where you do it ALL the time

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  3 роки тому

      I'm holding space for you with SO much compassion, Chloe ❤️

    • @shaniquawhipple6413
      @shaniquawhipple6413 2 роки тому

      @@terri_cole I was quiet all my life and
      Never spoke up and now I'm little hypersensitive

  • @denisemolinaro7108
    @denisemolinaro7108 5 років тому +18

    My husband and I will watch this together.

  • @nickskywalker2568
    @nickskywalker2568 11 місяців тому +1

    Your channel is exactly what I needed. A huuuge thanks to you!

  • @rashaghanim8069
    @rashaghanim8069 2 роки тому +2

    Omg .. I applied what u said about the constructive dialog at the end of the video on an argument that happened between me and my husband today, where I did exactly the opposite of your recommendations, and it almost ended up with a fight 😅 I just told him about what I learned from you .. he said: please, keep learning 😁😁😁 thank you for all the great tips, I have writen them all

  • @Saucceeent.
    @Saucceeent. 3 місяці тому

    Yes 3 years later from when you posted this video but you definitely opened my eyes even more! been trying to be a better listener/partner for my relationship cause I’ve definitely been defensive alot more lately than usual! Just want everything perfect but I have to realize/remember I’m a homo sapient, in due time with work this consciousness’s ego will evolve to greater lengths ! Thanks !! 🖤

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  3 місяці тому

      You're so welcome 💕

  • @rocmon
    @rocmon 3 роки тому +5

    Being married to someone who starts every exchange with a rationalizing explanation is exhausting... particularly after thirty years together - how do i gently help her get and stick to a point?
    great channel, blessings

    • @ktmkenny25
      @ktmkenny25 3 роки тому +7

      I have struggled with that in my marriage of 32 years. Listening to her first and allowing her to feel understood first is what I have to do with my wife. Sometimes that’s a struggle for me and I have to write my point down so I don’t get distracted and led down a bunny trail away from the topic I was seeking discuss. I ask a few questions to understand her perspective better. When she feels understood she softens a little. I can then emphasize the future solution to my issue. That really seems to be the key for us. When my wife sees that I am looking to make my relationship better in the future she softens even more and she drops the defense to be part of the solution and we move forward. Oh yes, and PRAY!!!

    • @rocmon
      @rocmon 3 роки тому +2

      @@ktmkenny25 wow, I love you man!

  • @jackbenedict6079
    @jackbenedict6079 8 місяців тому

    Thank you for this I feel like my relationship is falling apart because of my defensive actions and my listening skills I interrupt her I don’t listen when she asked me to do basic things most of all I make her feel like she can’t come to me for anything because I will make a fight out of it and I hate that I just wanna be there for her and be better but I feel like I mess up every time never have the right thing to say but I will work on taking my time before I speak to ensure that I don’t upset and make sure I don’t take everything to heart like I’m getting attacked

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  8 місяців тому

      I think it's okay to be open with her and say something like, "Hey, I am working on being less defensive. When we get into conflict, I worry I will say the right thing and I shut down as a result. To help us have more constructive conflict, I'd like to take more time to thoughtfully respond, this way I don't become as defensive or frozen." This shows you're willing to try your best for the relationship. It also reframes it as you and her against the problem and not you and her against each other. 💕

  • @mikkijones32
    @mikkijones32 4 місяці тому +1

    Wow! This is the first time Ive come across your page and I am thoroughly enjoying your content! Thank you for sharing the treasure of your experience with us!

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  4 місяці тому

      I'm so glad you enjoyed this video and thank you for watching! ❤️

  • @vibrantly50
    @vibrantly50 2 роки тому +2

    Thanks so much for this…so incredibly helpful. I am typically very defensive and want to move towards being an expert at moving towards dialogue!

  • @egoldie22
    @egoldie22 Рік тому +1

    Thank you for the way you gently delivered this message!

  • @Mme_293
    @Mme_293 Рік тому

    Shuu firstly thank you for such a informative video.
    There are so many times that my husband has said I’m such a defensive person and I refused to believe that. To me I was simply interjecting so that I can clarify statements that I feel are wrong.
    I don’t know how many times he has said “You cannot communicate in a healthy manner”. Instead with whatever he would raise, I already had a counter argument.
    The truth is, I have noticed this about myself long before I got married. However it was always my partner who was wrong.
    But I do remember growing up, witnessing how my mother would speak to my step-dad. And I would be like, I never want to be like that in my marriage. I remember how strict my mom was. I remember how I would desperately want to communicate how I felt when she did something I didn’t like, that she would instead shout at me.
    I was never heard.
    And I kept saying “I’ll never be that person”.
    Little did I know, I turned out exactly that way. The only difference I made was , I didn’t shout. Cause my mom shouts. But in whatever tone I had, there was always an element of being defensive. I could and still can justify what I actually meant, without hearing the other person out.
    So for the first time, I looked for videos on what defensiveness looks like. Because I was convinced I wasn’t.
    Finding this video, yes I have a problem. It’s deeply engraved in me. I didn’t know how it looks like, it was just second nature to me.
    So I appreciate the video. I need the help so that I save my marriage and mostly become a better version of my self.
    Not be a victim of my upbringing.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  Рік тому

      Way to go, Wandile! Thank you for sharing your insight ❤️

  • @lindawinters363
    @lindawinters363 2 роки тому +4

    Brilliant! I am learning so much from you! My husband and I are BOTH defensive…a lot of love, but tough communication. Now I am aware of dialogue vs debate. Thank you so much for this…I am so looking forward to more videos on this topic…❤️

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  2 роки тому +2

      You're so welcome, Linda! I have another vid coming out tomorrow on effective communication during conflict ❤

  • @kishageorge7788
    @kishageorge7788 Рік тому +2

    Thank you Terri, I’m going to use these tips❤ I’m really struggling with being defensive.

  • @austin_adetunji
    @austin_adetunji Рік тому +1

    Thank You Terri. Thank you so much. I just got the answer to my questions

  • @emilythompson7781
    @emilythompson7781 2 роки тому +1

    Literally hear to save my relationship I want to prove that I can learn and love him and listen ♥️ I hope these changes can be noticed :)

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  2 роки тому

      I'm cheering you on along the way, Emily ❤️

  • @queefbeef6715
    @queefbeef6715 9 місяців тому

    I realize now how defensive I am, and it is so not healthy for my relationship right now, I want to change for her and this video really opens my eyes on things, thank you so much for this video

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  9 місяців тому

      I am cheering you on 💕

    • @queefbeef6715
      @queefbeef6715 9 місяців тому

      @@terri_cole Was not expecting a response! I was wondering if I could message you for relationship advice somewhere? get some outside perspective on what I am going through?

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  9 місяців тому

      Unfortunately, I no longer offer 1:1 coaching or therapy, but if you message my team, they can pass along a name of a therapist I recommend. (You can email support @ terricole.com without the spaces.) 💕

  • @laurens9176
    @laurens9176 5 років тому +10

    Terri, thank you for presenting such great and important topics in an approachable and applicable way. I really enjoy your honesty in sharing personal examples as it makes the concepts concrete and I can see how this applies in my own life. Please continue to do what you're doing as I am certainly learning a lot and you are making a positive impact in my life! Thank you and all the very best to you. :)

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  5 років тому

      Thank you so much for your kind words.

  • @sleepyzoe5491
    @sleepyzoe5491 Рік тому

    I have grown so much in the past 7 years, and the only time I have found myself getting really defensive is when I have entered into a relationship with someone who has not yet realised & grown from being so defensive.
    I express I am not happy about something they get defensive, then I get defensive and we end up in a dedate like you mentioned, as time goes on because we both hurting the debates become more & more intense both feeling like the other one does not care until one of us walks away..
    Even know I already had some knowledge I have learnt that I can still make improvements with how I approach a situation.
    Thank you for sharing I am always looking to improve and find solutions & you explain things so well in this video

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  Рік тому

      So glad you found it helpful ❤️

  • @PrisaVS
    @PrisaVS 4 місяці тому +1

    I loved this video! Thank you for sharing!

  • @EB-hq9ec
    @EB-hq9ec 4 роки тому +4

    Terri ....you are an absolute BOSS ...💪🏼 at what you do and your detail description of not being defensive.... You were made to help people. Thank You so much ..🙏.. I will definitely share with others these words of wisdom ....

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  4 роки тому

      So glad to hear that it resonated for you. Thank you for being here!

  • @MarcPrime
    @MarcPrime 4 роки тому +21

    Awesome video. I’ve finally embodied the non-defensive behaviors and have begun to be more of an active listener with my partner. I did get defensive in my words the other night though, but while being completely calm. She had to point out to me that the calm defensiveness felt unsafe. I don’t fully understand why explaining/clarifying myself is harmful, but I imagine I probably hadn’t validated her experience enough first. This video reminded me that I probably wasn’t listening as well as I should have. Those subtle defenses are much trickier than the obvious ones!

  • @williamfry6087
    @williamfry6087 11 місяців тому +2

    Outstanding presentation thank you. I need this.

  • @src4409
    @src4409 5 років тому +18

    I'm still watching the video, but wanted to post before I forgot... I am totally ok with "defensiveness" if it's done properly. To me, a neutral tone, listening when I spoke, acknowledging what I said, and then calmly explaining their reasons if they feel justified OR if they just want to explain why they made the decision they made, actually builds intimacy for me. I feel like we are both heard and I know them a little better. I associate this kind of defensiveness with someone feeling misunderstood and wanting to clear the air. However, getting angry, not listening, and just trying to justify themselves at all costs
    ... Disregarding my feelings... is not the same thing. I associate this kind of defensiveness with anger issues.

    • @terri_cole
      @terri_cole  5 років тому +6

      thank you for sharing! There is definitely a difference between active listening and defensiveness!

  • @Thurlowz
    @Thurlowz 3 місяці тому +1

    Thank you, I realize I am going to need to work on this.