Strategies and Scripts to Start Setting Healthy Boundaries With Family - Terri Cole
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- Опубліковано 4 чер 2024
- Does your family disrespect your boundaries, making it challenging to set and maintain them?
Does your family of origin still treat you like a child?
Or do they simply get mad when you try to set limits or assert your preferences and desires?
If you are nodding your head, then this episode is for you, my friend, because I am diving into why many of us struggle to set boundaries with family and what you can do about it. I also give you a few scripts for when your family of origin offers you unsolicited advice. 🔥
Grab the guide for more scripts and journal prompts here: www.terricole.com/strategies-...
Want to learn more about how to have healthy boundaries? Check out my signature 9-week program, Boundary Boss Bootcamp: terricole.com/boundarybootcamp
Time Stamps
0:00 - Introduction
1:11 - Separating and individuating
2:39 - Parents exerting control
4:12 - Why setting boundaries with family is hard
6:15 - The parent who centers themselves
7:22 - Parent as the "best friend"
9:50 - Child parentification
10:18 - Examples of disordered family boundaries
13:36 - Scripts for unsolicited advice
16:20 - Taking action
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About Terri Cole
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
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#terricoleshow #settingboundaries #boundariesarehealthy
Do you have difficulty setting boundaries with your family of origin? What did you learn about boundaries growing up? What are some boundary violations you've experienced with your family? Remember to download the guide here for scripts and journal prompts: www.terricole.com/strategies-scripts-to-start-setting-boundaries-with-family-guide
All of them and then some. Healing still , so grateful for the amazing content and support here.
Thank you so much ♥️
The scripts are great. Not many people actually break family boundary advice down to this level but (for me at least) it was what was needed. I literally didn't know how to string a sentence together to express what I wanted/thought/felt, as I suppose I had no experience of doing that around my family so no reference point, I needed a real 'these are the words we use' 101, like teaching a child manners. Not a pro yet but getting good!
So glad it was helpful 💕 Many of us lack a reference point when it comes to boundaries! That's why I'm obsessed with teaching them. It is an essential skill we can all learn if we just have the tools.
Great one! I found that I was crossing boundaries w my girls as well as my Mom is an auto advice giver.
Thanks! ❤
I am so glad you received those insights while watching 💕
Wow, really needed this. Haven’t seen my mother in person for 8 yrs. I’ve tried for over 30 years to repair our relationship.
Thank you for sharing this.
We would need help I think, but first i think she would want to be vulnerable enough to heal the wounds, we’ve both created because of generational trauma.
🧡
Generational trauma is very real and difficult to navigate 💕 I did an interview with Dr. Mariel Buque about it here, in case you're interested in watching!: ua-cam.com/video/RdZgodmJItI/v-deo.html
Dear Terri, this is exactly what I needed to hear. Since my father passed away 5 years ago, my mum wants to depend on me and my bro much more. We need to be around whenever she feels the need. Truth is, she is gonna be 80 this year. Funny, my bro ( age 57 ) got married yesterday for the very first time. There has been SO much drama between my bro, mum and I on the people my bro invited for his wedding. My mum had such high expectations and she still feels very much disappointed. I have done some work on myself and part of me realizes,my bro does not need to explain himself. His wedding, his money, etc. SOOOOOOO exhausting being HSP,myself. I feel SO relieved the wedding is over. Time to move on. Love to explain my mum ( again 🙁 ) that my bro is entitled to live his life as he wants to. My bro and I both are adults ( I keep on telling her yet she does NOT listen ), she treats us like children. Any advice is more than welcome. Love to continue to listen to your video as it is SO valuable. I listened to the aging parents video too. Huge thanks for your work / effort 🙏❤️🌷
I think you're spot on when you say "part of me realizes, my bro does not need to explain himself." I think you could take that a step further and say you also do not need to explain yourself, or your brother's decisions, to your mother. 💕 If your mother has proven time and time again that she isn't able to listen, it might be time to stop engaging with her on certain topics. You can still love people from a distance.
If you haven't yet tried setting explicit boundaries with her, you could try that first. "Hey mom, I'm not looking for input or advice on this. I just want a compassionate ear." If she keeps insisting she knows best, "I've already told you I am not looking for advice. Please stop offering. If you do not stop, then I will no longer talk about this with you." The next time it happens, you can then say, "In the past, I know we've talked about this, but as I told you, I am no longer open to discussing it with you because I am not looking for input. Why don't we talk about X instead?" When setting boundaries, you have to be willing to stick by them. Consistency is key. If she tries asking you about your brother, you can simply say, "That's for him to share and not any of my business." I hope that helps 💕
Wonderful !!! Huge thanks !!! 🙏🙏🙏🌷🥰
You're so welcome ❤️
Wow, this is excellent! I love the tips as far as what to say too. Relationships can be so complicated at times and we really can be clueless as far as how we are coming across. My daughter nicely pointed out my tendency to give too much advice and I've stopped. I was grateful she told me. SO much wonderful info here on family boundaries, thank you!!!!!
I love that you were able to receive that from your daughter 💕 Way to go for both of you!
I had a traumatic childhood and teenage years because of a disastrously dysfunctional family of origin. Now in the last month of age 38, I feel that my hard work to grow as a person despite all the negative influence is paying off and I’m finally getting out of the “teenage phase” where every interpersonal interaction is a conflict. A sign is that I’m now wanting to learn to set healthy boundaries. This video helps me get started on setting healthy boundaries with a narcissistic mother who gets on my nerves.
Woohoo!! Go you! 💕 I have a video specifically on narcissistic mothers here that may be helpful, too: ua-cam.com/video/xl8HNr-Zsv4/v-deo.html
I am 33 going on 34, and even when I was in College while we were in the same state, she wanted to be at my Dr. appts. Even IN the ROOM with me. Absolutely not. I am so glad I am in a different state and rarely see her or hear from her. And I think we got a little bit parentified when we were kids and they were divorcing. It got so ugly.
I am so sorry to hear that 💕 I have a video on child parentification coming in a few weeks that might help shed light on that.
❤Thank You Terri Cole.
You're welcome 💕
Thank you so much for this. As a student in your RLR course, I absolutely absolutely need these scripts.
I got you 💕
Preach ms terri 👏
"-With a little more heat, if you need to"- that's something I would love more expanded and talking about anger, lol :) cuz thats one of my big issues. I want to talk to mom with love, and be putting these boundaries up with love. But it is hard to feel and express that when still dealing with a lot of anger. I keep trying to logic myself out of the anger, to vent the anger, to process it, but it's still there because she hasn't done what would make it feel better- and I know never will. So I try to deal with the anger myself... but its very in the way when I'm trying to be loving.
You absolutely need to honor your anger! 💕 I go into it a bit more in this video at the 11 minute mark (it's about narcissistic mothers, but it may resonate): ua-cam.com/video/xl8HNr-Zsv4/v-deo.html
And I also have this blog on honoring anger: www.terricole.com/manage-honor-your-anger/ (The video unfortunately has a volume glitch)
It makes complete sense to honor your anger first. And we do not always need to set boundaries with love and kindness, especially if the person in question is a repeat boundary violator. Sometimes, we need to set consequences. I have a video about that here, too: ua-cam.com/video/Jrfi24SAIOg/v-deo.html
I freaking love you for doing these videos. I am so interested in setting boundaries it's so needed as part of self care.
I have many, many more videos about boundaries here, and an entire book and workbook on boundaries, too! 💕 I'm obsessed because I really believe boundaries are the key to our sovereignty 🔥
I’m 61 and this is still an issue!!!
You are so not alone 💕
Super helpful, Terri. Thank you! Do you have any videos regarding setting boundaries with overbearing siblings?
You're welcome, Birdie 💕 I don't have videos about boundaries with siblings specifically, although I mention a few boundaries I've had to set with sisters who kept stealing my clothes! I know you've seen a lot of my content- what would you like to know about specifically? Does the auto-advice giving not apply here- are they overbearing in a different way?
@@terri_cole Thank you, Terri! yes, seen a lot of your wonderful, helpful content and often comment because it feels like a safe space on the internet. Haha--my sibling is overbearing in a way that is just completely opposite to my personality. Judgmental, snide, and competitive comments, which I know come from a place of insecurity inside of her. Because I'm an HSP, the comments often derail me. Also, she constantly texts me and complains about everything and anything. I've been better about just not answering and not fueling the fire in order to stop the anxious barrage. I know we'll never have the sister relationship I desire, so I have gotten that bond elsewhere from close gal pals.
I'm so sorry to hear that, Birdie 💕 I feel you as a fellow HSP and empath. We have to protect our energy, and being around constant complaining is actually pretty bad for our health!
Try these videos:
ua-cam.com/video/EgG_lsB6yNY/v-deo.html - Proactive Plan for Empaths & Highly Sensitive People
ua-cam.com/video/bhGK1VwKQrg/v-deo.html - Energy Vampires and How to Avoid Them
ua-cam.com/video/DPIWbdY0Zm8/v-deo.html - Don't Get Sucked Into Conflict: 11 Tips to Handle Difficult People
They're not sibling-specific, but hopefully they'll give you some ideas! You would be absolutely in your right to set a boundary with your sister that she not text you complaints so often (say you're on a negativity fast). Or you can possibly silence her texts specifically and choose to look at them on your own time so that they aren't bombarding you.
If she's judgmental, you can say, "I am sharing with you how I feel, not asking for your opinion." If you think she could receive it, you could also gently let her know how her comments affect you and that you are setting these boundaries in order to maintain a relationship with her. It has to work for you, too, you know? Hope that helps xo
@@terri_cole Thank you SO SO SO much for these helpful videos and tips! You are the best, Terri! 💞
❤️❤️❤️
Re: your ? about examples....
Demanding that you prioritize them above all else
Manipulating information between family members to incite conflict or competition
Revealing intimate highly personal details about a family member or friend without their consent
Remaining angry and instead when you explain your cannot keep up with their level of activity and speech
Pressuring you to maintain a relationship with an explosive family member because “no one else can handle them” and they need help
So many possibilities
Yes to all of this- thank you for sharing! ❤️
I needed this me in my mom stay together and im tired of feeling like a child and i pay rent but my mom make me still feel like a child
I am so sorry you're feeling that way in your relationship with your mom ❤️
My partner has siblings who r like this controlling