I'm not sure what the gentleman-speaker is getting at by asking what society can do to protect women from abusers (whilst interrupting Twigs). She was telling us what WE can do to protect ourselves. Just let the woman finish her thought. That's how "society" can help. Let us speak, and listen when we do.
I enjoyed listening to this episode. I felt that a few of Jamey’s questions were heavy to be asking a survivor. It felt like he wanted the frustration he feels from abusive men’s actions to be answered and cleared away by her. It felt unfair to be asking a survivor to solve a societal problem. ❤
Agree wholeheartedly. As I heard his questions, I thought, “Mmh, it is not her (or any victim’s) responsibility to solve these things for you/men/anyone.” Listening to FKA Twigs, on the other hand, I felt almost held (as I too have experienced psychological abuse) by her gentle voice. She effortlessly shares her grace with the world, and unapologetically accepts not only all parts of what makes her who she is, but also accepts (as she mentioned) the things that have happened to her as part of her life journey. What a gift she is by simply existing as herself and sharing what she feels comfortable sharing. A goddess, truly.
I truly believe these types of conversations should be had with hosts that are intellectually equipped to dissect the magnitude of what Twigs went through. Saying that a way to look at purpose in the institution of chattel slavery is enslaved Africans becoming Christians, an oppressive institutional ideology that African Americans have been indoctrinated into + stripped of all of their beliefs, values, customs, is irresponsible on such a large platform.
Exactly I thought if anything putting that into the metaphor is an example of being trapped in the relationship even still not of getting through and seeing the humanity on the other end
i was in so much shock bc that is not at all what she was trying to say. Ppl who need to find positive meaning in things via religion scare me. Sometimes it's just suffering and accepting that and finding a way to move on
It was such an insane take (no wonder it was met with silence). And it really invalidated everything else he said for me. I enjoyed listening to Twigs speak and the female host was fine, but the male host lost me many times.
38:36 I would also add, butterflies in your stomach. Society tells us, especially women that this sensation is a positive thing. It’s not. It’s your body’s alarm system. “The Body Never Lies”
the way the man kept trying to center himself lol… but that last point about slavery?!?!😵💫 is he ok? the whole podcast felt like they invited a random cult member into the room with that whisper-tone of his lol but i was trying to ignore him.. then he comes outta left field with that.. 😅😅 huh?! kinda wish i waited to watch the whole episode before sharing but anyway…. love 2 twigs & any1 who relates to her story.
Everyone complaining about the guy, I actually think his interventions are great, because he says what a lot of people, usually men, say. Men with their hearts in the right place, but completely clueless. He represents a certain narrative, of people who are not completely clued in emotionally or psychologically, of which there are many. And it gave an opportunity for Twigs to address those basic statements beautifully. Halfway into this interview, when he asks about cues, how could anyone else see it to prevent it, and then Twigs explains the point of abusers is they wear masks. I had that exact same conversation with my boyfriend a few weeks ago. And then another great moment when she immediately snaps back "I don't think it's my fault, it's unfortunate, it happens, but it's his fault." Again I doubt he meant any harm by ever implying it would theoretically put the blame on her. But it's a great answer. Just because we can't necessarily prevent it doesn't make it the victim's fault. In fact it makes it less likely to detect an abuser if his entourage can't even tell.
i agree with this idea and that hard questions and topics should be addressed so people can learn to identify and understand these situations but survivors of abuse shouldn’t have to be the ones taking on the burden of making everyone else understand what someone else did to them
Wanna say that at the end when she’s talking about her privileges and therefore accepting that she had to heal in front of the world. She does not owe us anything ❤️. It’s horrible that people are financially tied to there abuser and therefore cannot leave. But she should not feel guilty, but celebrate that she build a financial stability for herself with her talent that did help her trough her healing journey after. Coming from a survivor of abuse my biggest lesson is to not feel guilty because some had it worse. It actually slows you down and makes it harder to leave it al behind. Because the guilt of it happening still to other victims can keep you hostage within your traumas too. Talking helps but don’t give yourself away I guess.. It’s brave that she’s sticking up for women everywhere, but I do hope it doesn’t cost her too much off her energy as she is a survivor and deserves to be freed from those haunting troubles. This message is coming from a good place 💓🧿
30:21 it’s so sad yet so true, even with a great friend next to me I was still stuck in an abusive relationship. People underestimate how hard it is to separate yourself from an abuser.
I’m still fresh out of my DV situation. It is so heavy to come to terms with the more everything settles and I have a clear perspective on moments I didn’t remember till after. I’m grateful for her for sharing this because I get to see what healing will eventually be
Justice for FKA Twigs. As an older fan 35 I followed her whole career she’s a joy to watch and I’m proud to be a fan. she’s been nothing short of an absolutely amazing multitalented and multidimensional artist . She deserves all her flowers 🌸 🌺🌻🌻❤️🌷🌷🌷 I pray for her healing. And justice is served. Many times black women stories are ignored and not given the proper light and attention. Thank you all for having her on your platform. A very inspirational young woman ❤❤ The male host talked way too much.
She’s been one of my favorite artists for the last decade. Her music has held my hand through the darkness of similar relationships, reminding me of who I am at times when that was badly needed. I’m glad to exist at the same time as her ♥️ thanks for this conversation!
“Truth bias” wow. That part made me cry. 17 years with an emotional abuser. I’m 5 years out, actively healing. Possibly speaking out about it is my next phase. FKA twigs, and both interviewers, thank you🙏🏻for this.
I think what was missing from this, is the simple act of LISTENING and taking it in, not reframing to how you understand in a male lens, have that dialogue in your brain. Victims don't have to provide answers to how men should behave, listen to these behaviours, identify them in your male communities and unlearn that as a collective. It is up to men to find ways and methods to hold each other accountable as men, ya'll are the ones with the issue, go to the source. Women have been speaking out, ya'll just don't listen. It shouldn't take having a daughter or a wife to teach you as man to value and treat women like humans and equals, she is not someone's daughter or wife.....SHE IS SOMEONE just as she is and that's all that matters. She is hers. Before she is ever anyone else's.
FKA Twigs is an extraordinary creative and woman for whom i've always had the upmost respect and admiration, to hear her so calm now and able to discuss and take action about it is sooo brilliant, im so glad she has a good support system and the faith in herself once more! Also the way she spoke on narcissistic abuse being boring and non-specific???!!?? I needed to hear that so much, thank you for having her on the podcast and for doing the work that you do ❤️
I am currently coming out of an abusive relationship and watching this really helped me realize that I’m not alone. Everything that she outlined about her abuser align with what I went through.
To focus on the positives, one truly truly must commend FKA Twigs for her unwavering grace and eloquence in responding coherently(and profoundly!) to what can only really be described as a series of half-relevant ramblings and personal anecdotes followed by vague, nigh unanswerable non-questions from one of the hosts. She carried this interview, and though I don’t think that is the _traditional_ responsibility of a guest, she did it beautifully.
's sad is, Shia has gone on to start a family while Twigs has spent time recovering in order to meet her career goals before considering family milestones. What's worse is that a court could rule a lack of human production as a more measurable contribution than a proving a wavering output as a creative life source. ! Thank you for strength + voice Twigs 💫💫 #mothercreep #awomanswork
I always knew there is something very wrong with Shia. I never liked him. Call it intuition or whatever, I learned through years to always trust my first impression, because it always proved to be the right one. What I think first about someone is always true. I wouldnt envy the fact he started a family. He was already split from Mia Goth before, who also looks kind of weird and must be somehow cut to endure Shias antics. She will be the breadwinner because now she has a lot of work, while Shia will never ever work with a big studio anymore. The child will not have a good family life, because Shia never went to any therapies, and I wouldnt want a husband not a father who shoots stray dogs. I just hope the kid will be able to distance from the fathers behavior and will not be like him.
@@fairest1ofThemAllyou speak of Shia and his family as if you know him personally. You have zero idea about the reality of his life. I am a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence myself, so hear me clearly, when I say that Shia needs to be held accountable for the abuse and violence. But also understanding that bad people can grow and evolve and heal too is important. Having justifiable anger is valid. But demonizing someone and his family that you do not know at all is very toxic too.
The pureness of finding it is joy to be with your dogs that love and trust you, want to be with you. It is not unusual for people that has been traumatized by an abusive relationship to describe that you sort of are happiest, or feel safe, when you are with your animals. I like that for us!
this podcast is so powerfully healing. that being said, when mentioning how traumatising the justice system can be for the victim I feel there is a very important point missing: the system is the main problem. the systematic lack of emotional education brought us here. the fact that we need celebrities to have an heroic rol and teach us, that's the problem.
She is so inspiring! I am so grateful on her intake about abuse. When she explained the lingering and constant effect of fight or flight after the abuse is sooo REAL! I hate that I have no control on how my body naturally reacts to small or bigger issues through out life. I have this sense to over thinking everything because of all the victim blaming and gaslighting I endured from my abusers. I suffer from social anxiety and ptsd everyday all day to the point where my body and mind feels extremely exhausted even if I didn't do anything that entire day, I still feel drained.
Thank you for giving her the space to express her thoughts and feelings she’s an important voice also thank you twigs for speaking it helps more than you know
Absolute brilliant conversation. Her understanding of the science behind the patterns brings such a relieving catharsis to her recount. Makes you feel understood❤
Thank you for this, I relate to this 100, everything. Hearing this discussion really makes me feel validated in my experience so much. I would say that the love bombing looks all the amazing sentiments , saying they love you right away, etc. yet in real life the actions never match, the actions never match the mirroring, etc, it's like 2 different people, that is a big red flag! Another for me, the silent treatment for no reason at all, and subtly hitting on any women at any public place, to undermine me, was a big one, it's been 7 years since I left/escaped, and I still cannot get past this one!
This was healing for me as someone who has been in an abusive relationship, I found myself nodding my head and relating to so many of her points. Thank you FKA twigs for making me feel less alone
Thank you Twigs for speaking out not only for yourself but for people who have experienced GBV (Gender based violence) Femicide (the killing of a woman or girl, in particular by a man and on account of her gender). Everything you touched on from the abuser masking to simply women not being able to walk out because) of their finances. Abusers often use finance, financial abuse, as a tactic to keep you completely stuck especially sometimes if women are married and have children, it's often hard to walk out and completely start over. From you highlighting your privilege of being able to go back to your home, most women can't even do that, they've been isolated and stripped of so much even of themselves. It's really more complex than 'why did you stay?' from someone who grew up in a house with domestic violence, I understand it's way more nuanced than that. You're alive now, and thriving in your art, some women don't make it and lose their lives.
@@oversoul7 GBV/FEMICIDE - Thank you so much for sharing beautiful soul. I would like to be specific in saying that in no way am I saying that men do not experience domestic violence, sexual violence, physical, emotional, mental, psychological and financial violence/abuse at the hands of perpetrators. I was touching on a specific branch of violence that is 'violence against women' termed GBV (Gender based violence). The UN Declaration on the Elimination of Violence against Women defines violence against women as "any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life." Depending on your society, GBV and femicide ( the killing of a woman or girl, in particular by a man and on account of her gender ) can be highly prevalent for instance some developing countries report the highest rates of GBV and Femicide. People who identify as LGTBQIA can be subjected to GBV as well. "Gender-based violence - violence that occurs as a result of the normative role expectations associated with the gender associated with the sex assigned to a person at birth, as well as the unequal power relations between the genders, within the context of a specific society (Republic of South Africa, 2020)." Some countries experience GBV, 'violence against women' so much that institutions, supermarkets print it on their shopping bags, South Africa with 48% perpetrated by men against women that it is deeply embedded in its society. Thank you I will be editing my comment to bring light to GBV and femicide 🙏
Absolutely love FKA Twigs for all the things she embodies. Her art must be a big release and help her to heal. Abuse is a life long healing joourney. Twigs is brave in her self and words. I wish her continued healing and growth and in her upcoming case.
Because I don't have a TV and are not wired into popular culture, I had no idea that #FKAtwigs had gone through this. I have known, though, of her immense talent and creativity. She is, in my opinion, **the most interesting and provocative artist working today.** There are hard parts here... that shook me. One example: When she said, in the early days after her going public, folks were supportive. But then they, over time, faded away. I recognize that. Partly, it's human nature. But we, all of us need, to... stand with those we love. For the long haul. Especially if it's inconvenient. You sacrifice for what and those you love. Or it isn't love.
I didn't mean to forget my manners. Thanks for having her as a guest. And thanks to her for being a guest. There is no clock one can put on grief and healing. Our current conceptions of time are antiquated in any case. What we call a moment... can unfold across an entire lifetime. I hope that peace unfolds within her. Because she has such great gifts to give. And is, in fact, a gift.
Everyone is being so harsh to this guy, as a survivor myself it's actually so healing to hear a man be supportive and trying to be nurturing and sharing so that she's not the only one sharing. For a video about healing and abuse can everyone chill, especially as he is a survivor himself 🫶🏽
The comment she makes starting at 17:32 about the before and after aspect of abuse is so poignant. I think she’s speaking to something called “Big T” trauma, which is defined as a trauma that creates a “before x and after x” in your life. It can be likened to a massive physical injury, like a fracture that results in nerve damage. There’s also “little t” trauma, which all of us face at one point or another, whether in a small or large capacity. Its physical equivalent is something like scraping a knee. If it happens once or twice over a spread out period of time, you can handle it. But if it’s repeated, frequently, in the same spot, you might end up with a permanent injury.
I love you FKA Twigs! Before And After. It's crazy, I was already a big fan before I got into a relationship that really destroyed me. It wasn't the first bad relationship I was in or even close to my first traumatic experience, but it was the worst abuse I had ever experienced. He gave me a cool Twigs sticker. Ironic. I reluctantly and messily detached from him. Not when he headbutted me, or slammed me to the floor, or threw things, or screamed, or pushed me, but when he spit in my face. Then I wanted him back and was very depressed and thought I was empty without him. Then I tried to still be his friend even after all of his lies, cheating, abuse, and gaslighting. Then I slowly grew stronger in time away and out of the fog. Then realized - really realized what he had done to me and how it affects me to the core and recognized who he really was. It does get better. I still have the sticker on my dashboard in my car. I am now in EMDR therapy and learning a lot about the knotted history within me and how my body has absorbed trauma. The body keeps the score is a great book too. Thank you for your art, your being, your realness, and your beautiful voice.
Let me explain what’s going on. The male interviewer’s issue is that he still hasn’t fully healed from being sexually abused as a child. So in his personal life like with his kids and family he tries to do everything in his power to protect them because he wasn’t protected as a child, and I’m sure at times he’s trying to be there in almost humanly impossible way for his loved ones and at those times that he can’t be in 10 places at once can cause conflict between him and his loved ones unfortunately. It’s a beautiful thing to be a strong protector in your family home however it’s most affective when it’s coming from a balanced place, because if it’s not…you’ll give 110% of your effort but only get 60% of the results you worked hard at to be their for everyone. So he’s asking Twigs how can someone be there to protect the ones we love because that’s his position that he strongly takes accountability for and he understands the importance of being a protector from experiencing no one there to protect him. I could dig even more deeper into different pockets of what I’m trying to explain but hopefully you get the gist.
@@idkuandidwt It’s unfortunate that people can’t see into the truth of the matter so easily. I think as an unfortunate side effect of the connectivity that social media brings, we as a global society have become very reactionary. I do know that before I had healed from the sexual and domestic violence that I lived through, I didn’t truly understand what trauma does to people and probably would have responded just like a lot of people in the comment section. Justifiable anger is incredibly difficult to let go of… Thanks for being here…. ❤️🔥
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story. It means so so much to so many including me🙏🏼 I can see how much healing you’ve done by the way you talk about it and thank God for all of us so that people who haven’t been through it can understand. Trying to explain being gaslit is really difficult when you’ve been a victim of it. So much love to you ❤️❤️❤️
My situation is very different to Twig’s but my healing process in the years following are very near identical. My body now is so incredibly sensitive to any amount of stimuli and most often when I’m panicking, there’s no root cause other than my nervous system misfiring. Just like how Twigs explained it, it’s just little stitches over years until you step back and see how big the blanket has gotten. That primal, fight or flight moment where the last piece fits into the puzzle and you start remembering every little thing that’s happened to get you to that point is so indescribable. A person who you’ve viewed as almost above you, a person who you’ve protected suddenly turns into this person who you not only don’t recognise but you’re actually fearful of. All of the lies that build up, all of that time spent being weaved into a net, feeling so isolated and shaken up to the core, it’s something I’ll never get over. After I walked away, I truly had nobody to confide in other than my partner. I’d sit and spill my heart out for hours and would never get tired of, as Twigs said, telling the truth. The smear campaign started shortly afterwards and I had a lot of people posting photos with her and then unfollowing me afterwards. It was very clear to me what she was doing. It’s taken a lot of time to accept that a lot of people will have a false perception of me and that they’ll never understand what I went through but I’m so glad I’m finally at that place. Thank you for this video. I’m only half way through but I have never related to someone’s experience more.
I wondered why it had been such a long time since she last released an album. But this new one coming out is really worth the wait, and it wouldn't have been what it is if she hadn't gone through this.
I loved what was said by Jamey about helping humanity grow. It is a beautiful outlook, honoring of the vulnerability she has extended to help others who are going through DV or those whom have been affected by DV. The greatest justice that can be done is to call out what has been wronged and to not look away from the truth, God will handle the rest.
Trying to hold some grace for the bloke because, while his interjections seem misguided (some of his questions were brilliant, some seemed like introductions for his monologues rather than being about giving her space to share) and selfish ('It's important to ME to be a protector, tips on how to earn that status and respect?') and misogynistic (systemic not malicious) at times in the way he keeps asking her to take responsibility for abusive patterns perpetuated by men by asking her for 'the answers' or 'the fix', the podcast is literally called 'MAN enough' lmao like he's just doing exactly what it says on the tin. I hope in future he can acknowledge guests as individuals for whom he holds space rather than having to see them though the lens of his sisters or daughter as men often do (because the direct experience of being responsible for the safeguarding of a young woman or specifically a daughter forces the growth of empathy in a way that men are otherwise societally not expected to and even praised for when it should be the bare minimum - see: 'girl dad', 'bi wife energy', 'puppy boyfriend').
The part about being privileged to be able to return to her home is SO REAL. My partner and I technically didn't live together (he just had most of his belongings at my place). When things would go badly and he'd leave with all his stuff, I felt so much gratitude for my home. To suddenly be in my space, feel safe, and in my own energy, was like being able to breathe again. It felt amazing!
39:55 I can relate to this, and have also seen this in other victim stories. The pedestal analogy is spot on - that's how the abuser/manipulator trains you into self-manipulation. They put you on a pedestal, and you feel good, then they withdraw 'just enough' that it confuses and scares you and triggers your fight/flight response (but only far enough that they can explain the withdrawal away with some 'trivial' excuse, making you think you over-reacted). Then when you feel scared they swoop back in as your saviour and safe place, love bombing while also making you feel 'silly for doubting them'. They repeat this cycle as many times as it takes until you are trained to do it to yourself without them having to do so much as change a tone of voice or give you a certain stare. Throughout this period they've also been undermining any close/trusting relationships or external support that you have, usually by making little comments that plant seeds of doubt in your mind about the intentions of those friends/family. Then even if your friends are telling you they see a problem, you don't believe them because you don't want to or you believe your friends are the ones 'jealous of what you have'. Your friends are now the 'threat' to your relationship. Over time as your nervous system becomes trained on their manipulation cycle and they let more of their mask slip, you no longer have an external support network, you dont trust your own judgement because your self-esteem has been eroded, so you feel like the abuser is 'all you have'. I've learned that the early warning signs to look out for are the push-pull (pedestal/withdrawl) cycle, and the little condescending comments about your loved ones. And also their over-reactions to things that dont go their way which might be small at first but the outbursts get bigger over time (they tend to get angry/offended especially at things that they think make them 'look stupid'). Sorry this was a long comment, but those signs in combination are a big red flag for me, and maybe this might help someone who needs to hear it.
Overall, was great to hear Twigs talking about her experience. That said, I have to admit that the man just felt really out of place in this convo. His heart is definitely good and he comes across as quite warm and smart, but it was irritating to feel him bringing the convo back to himself constantly. The intent was good, but his body language just reads as insecure around two powerful women who know what they are talking about. Let the guest tell their story without trying to bring it back to you! Despite this, still managed to enjoy it, just wanted to give this feedback.
Reading these comments shitting on the male host is like porn to me lol. Along with woke/weak men and women just PSMing about their easy existences lol. Speaking as your opposition on almost EVERY front, PLEASE keep doing this with YOUR men, it's SOOOO fun to watch lol. Reading you shit on the men that support you, feels like I'm cucking them because I don't support you creatures in your delusions lol. So I get to just verbal decimate you because I'm not a man following your ideological rules LMFAO!
Why? A lot of women in the comments are saying this. He was sexually abused as a child, which is worse. So you don’t have compassion for what happened to him because he’s a man? That’s another epidemic problem in our culture; men never talking about being abused so as not to appear as “weak” or “feminine”. And there’s another problem; the feminine being seen as weak or inferior to the masculine. A lot of the abuse that men do to women stems from the fact that they don’t process all that despair and rage and place it onto the woman who loves him, or go to war and do other violent things. Not like hunting or gaming or sports, I mean real violence. If women are talking more openly about their abuse, men need to do the same. Not that they have to talk about it openly, only if they want to. I simply mean men processing their feelings instead of burying it and projecting it onto others, and that’s a feminine art.
A lot of women in the comments are lambasting the interviewer. Why? He was sexually abused as a child, which is worse. So you don’t have compassion for what happened to him because he’s a man? That’s another epidemic problem in our culture; men never talking about being abused so as not to appear as “weak” or “feminine”. And there’s another problem; the feminine being seen as weak or inferior to the masculine. A lot of the abuse that men do to women stems from the fact that they don’t process all that despair and rage and place it onto the woman who loves him, or go to war and do other violent things. Not like hunting or gaming or sports, I mean real violence. Sometimes war is necessary. It’s often goddesses like Artemis and Kali, not gods, who were associated with war. Why would that be? Aggressive behavior can be hidden behind softer, more feminine overlays. Women need to be aware of that. We need to be conscious of who we’re competing with and why. Collaboration and competition sometimes go together, and sometimes they don’t. If women are talking more openly about their abuse, men need to do the same. Not that they have to talk about it openly, only if they want to. I simply mean men processing their feelings instead of burying it and projecting it onto others, and that’s a feminine art.
Many great points made. Many things were very obvious to me, as I’ve dealt with various versions of abuse from very young, to this very day. But for many, even if they’ve experienced abuse, the dynamics, behaviors, feelings, social currency, damages involved and created by abusive situations/entanglements and ways to grow from and heal from them might not be obvious, and many approaches towards dealing with trauma are not appropriate- even if popular. I do my best to educate/share information about things such as this. Thank you for pursuing justice and sharing your perspective. Even if natural to do, it’s still hard and taxing. Life is so real. 💐✊🏿
this is one of the most comforting talks about abuse i’ve ever heard ❤ i really needed this thank you so much for the awareness your podcast brings and oh my god i love her and her art sooooo much
Please tell her to look into pendulation and titration techniques.. it will realease a lot of the trauma and stiffness in her neck. There are lots of books on somatic exercises.
The thing is with these relationships most people don’t see the “true” self of the abuser or narc because they make it a point to present themselves so well that even if you were a friend of theirs or a bystander you wouldn’t see the worse or at least enough to be concerned. And when you’re the victim you never want anyone else to get involved because of fear of the partners reactions against you if anyone does! ALSO I’m sorry but this man’s questions irk me because as a victim of narcissistic abuse, you’re asking questions that is really difficult for a victim to answer. And then says things like “I don’t mean to discredit you…” but you asking certain questions is kind of trying to alter my truth of this whole situation. There’s a gentle way to approach these topics and I feel like he is not considering the emotional drain/aftermath behind them.
Loved this episode!! I hope she continues her journey knowing how loved she is!! Forever ❤ also I wish she danced in The Crow, she did sing and it was awesome!
Also, wish he would’ve listened more instead of just needing validation about not being a bad person which is what every interjection felt like to me 😭
Thank you. He kept centering himself too much & I don't think it's too bad cause he's clearly on a healing journey but he can be, at times, too much. I also hated his continuous rhetoric about having women in his life like his daughters & wife. Too many men use this language. I have never heard women say this when talking about caring for a man’s life.
I understand that he's working to untangle patterns that have been learned thru imposed patriarchy, but definitely seeing it come thru with the long expositions about his own life, the framing care around having a sister and daughter, these are speech patterns we see so often in men. Somehow the story becomes about them, even when consciously trying to break that cycle. I really appreciate the other host just directly asking questions instead of "this is more of a comment than a question." Caveat: this is my intro to this podcast, so I'm sure it's not like this every episode! And regardless, I'm really enjoying this!
We had the chance to explore the role of enablers and we didn’t. At some point, when you talk about the system that protects abusive men, you need to talk about women and men with internalised misogyny that allows this. Because sometimes enablers are worse than abusers
45:59 the answer to your question is boundaries. How does this person respond to when a boundary is put in place. I think that’s biggest red flag with an abuser and how you can distinguish someone from one
Allowing men to be beautiful sounds like allowing our natural, intuitive nature to come forth in relationships. So that a man will feel the woman's needs, boundaries and emotional intelligence. A men's group can allow men to learn how to treat woman with respect and grace. And be held accountable within the field of other men holding each other with compassion, but with natural law like behaviors. 🎉❤🎉 Adore your work😮
That part where she explained how abusers/narcissists are so wonderful to everyone but you. I asked my abuser that and got abused for asking that. Everyone who doesn't see through him Loves him. He's funny, he has style, he's creative, he's a vibe, he's a loyal friend, he's sweet and sensual. Bla bla bla. The one he comes home and abuses is his garbage disposal, his punching bag, all of his insecurities and disgusting things go into you and they have to work it into you in a way that is clandestine. He must make you feel completely dependent on him for approval. And then when you realize that there is no rhyme or reason to his abuse, it breaks down. The whole facade no longer works and they then have to hate you and make you hate yourself before they leave and go on to the next person. Like she said, it's not about you, it's always about them. Sadly yes, but also thank God for that. You see how pathetic and dangerous they are.
The man is doing too much, just waffles about nothing. I'm getting secondhand embarrassment from the cringe comments he's spouting. Also its not appropriate to dump your own trauma on the guest, this isnt about you.
Stop being such an ungrateful complainer. You are projecting. This platform allows her to tell her story. You are extremely negative and nobody likes that.
@@josephirizarry5195 Well it would be great if she could speak and share her story without being interrupted by nonsensical ramblings and Facebook auntie quotes. Don't you see how many times she's just quiet after he speaks? It's tone deaf.
28 years navigating the confusion that comes with being a guy and not being allowed to be beautiful without being put in a stinky box. Thank you for speaking out on that ✨
WHY is it men always do this weird thing of relating it to a family member/ daughter/ sister they have when they talk about domestic violence/ sexual assault and their distaste/reason for speaking up. I know there's 0 malice behind it but it really rubs me the wrong way (btw I am a man - It's just something that's irritating me when trying to get through this) Like why is it always "I have a daughter/you could be my sister" and not "I'm a human being with the intelligence to know its clearly wrong". Besides just in general being a weird thing to say, Empathy isn't contingent on one’s own experiences or it's proximity to you and instead should be based on a basic, inherent respect for others. To a certain extent I understand - it's human nature to attempt to empathise through comparison and what's nearest to your life but in this context its always a little weird to me
THANK YOU for saying this! This man used so many opportunities to center himself and I was tired of hearing him talk by the middle of it 😂 I also wonder why men have to look at this through a lens of not wanting it to happen to their sister or their daughter like why can’t they just say that they don’t want it to happen to any of us, a complete stranger. Would they only defend their own? Why wouldn’t they defend anyone and everyone from abuse? This is a problem - so many men say they are protectors, and they aren’t abusers or that they would defend women but where are they when it happens!? A lot of men know about their friends/ coworkers/ cousins behavior but they stay out of it. They don’t step in. Some men do but very few! Ask me how I know 😢
@@eljofrvayou are also acting like only women experience domestic violence or sexual assault. You lump men together as a group instead of understanding that people (human beings) not just men do the behaviors you speak of. Plenty of women will shame survivors or find fault in them or not believe them too or cope in weird ways. Trauma doesn’t discriminate based on gender.
@@oversoul7Yes but the conversation is about women experiencing sexual assault and the reaction of men. I’m sure they also know it happens to men, they aren’t talking about men. They also aren’t lumping all men together lmao, use critical thinking
@@Gooshieooshie5000 And what I’m stating is that the opposite is also incredibly true. Women also refuse to step in when they can clearly see something is wrong. As a survivor of sexual assault who works to help others, it’s important to understand that trauma like this can affect anyone. And the way that other people (men and women) respond to it is shitty. So utilize your own critical thinking and start thinking of the larger societal problem. But go ahead and rationalize your reaction to the situation. ❤️🔥
@ Lol and this is why OP implied the conversation would be a lot healthier if it was just a round table for women. I am a man, lol, and I do know a lot about male sexual assault, I just don’t use it as a talking point when other discussions are being had. I’m telling you to stop and think about wether your comment is appropriate in this particular discussion, not wether your experience is valid in the topic of sexual assault. You, like a lot of men, don’t understand that in your attempt to open up the conversation, you isolate women who’ve been having these discussions openly for so long, as well as isolating the many men still struggling because now they’re seen in the same light as confrontational men like you. It’s a losing battle that’s only helped by having these discussions in spaces centered around male sexual assault, so it looks less like you co-opting a space in an attempt to look much smarter than your argument. Again everyone in their right mind knows that male sexual assault happens, it’s not a grand new idea
The topic and her insights were amazing to hear, that man was spiraling a bit though weird energy. The slavery point?? ‘Now black people love white people all because of slavery and Christianity’ my god….
I think its really important to say that yes the highest rates are from males in hetro relationships ... but this doesn't only happen in straight relationships, and men aren't always the only perpetrators - its actually a big issue in the LGBTQI+ community.... all experiences of abuse are valid. My first abuser was a woman, who actually perpetuated alot of "traditional" values and relationship dynamics in a toxic way. I think the ways we can address abuse in society is to really examine power and control dynamics and how they play out in all kinds of relationships. Healing from abuse meant I started to see how abuse of power is pretty much encouraged in the patriarchy and hierarchical systems that run through all kinds of cultures (imperialist / fascist / capitalist etc etc). As we dismantle these dynamics and ways of thinking / being there will be less space for abuse and manipulative behaviours to thrive.
@@willo_joy A lot of people can’t see past the gender binary unfortunately. It immediately becomes a way for people to bash men in general. As a gay man, I know exactly what you mean about how big of an issue this is in our community. I don’t have answers to solve these problems but I can stand in solidarity with other survivors, regardless of their gender lend my strength and compassion and support in whatever way I can. Thanks for voicing this comment. ❤️🔥
@@oversoul7🥹 appreciate your solidarity, being seen and heard is such a huge part of it, sending it to you also sibling. Your message brought some tears! Im still learning the right terms for everything so have stayed quiet alot fearing saying clumsy things...or bringing more shit to our communities door. Truly hoping we can find more ways to create space for survivors to speak up 🦋
@@willo_joy Thank you for your kind words. Like I said, I don’t have answers for all of these problems, but what I’ve learned is that if you are working through your trauma, there absolutely are people who will help you in whatever way you need it. It’s tough work and “painful” doesn’t adequately express the experience on some days, and you don’t need to follow anyone’s timeline on when or how to be well. There are people who believe you, who see you, and who feel you. And most of all who love you through all of it. ❤️🔥
I'm not sure what the gentleman-speaker is getting at by asking what society can do to protect women from abusers (whilst interrupting Twigs). She was telling us what WE can do to protect ourselves. Just let the woman finish her thought. That's how "society" can help. Let us speak, and listen when we do.
Exactly.
@@jessica0321 Let women speak? Or did you mean let survivors of domestic violence and sexual abuse speak?
😂😂😂 why can’t he treat her like he would a man are we all not equal love?
because men have never listened in their lives
@@rubylaforest7611 hasty generalizations show a lack of actual understanding of the issues and a desire to be in the solution.
I enjoyed listening to this episode. I felt that a few of Jamey’s questions were heavy to be asking a survivor. It felt like he wanted the frustration he feels from abusive men’s actions to be answered and cleared away by her. It felt unfair to be asking a survivor to solve a societal problem. ❤
Exactly
@@RomiD7 Exactly , why the hell did he start talking about slavery and religion? Ridiculous.
Agree wholeheartedly. As I heard his questions, I thought, “Mmh, it is not her (or any victim’s) responsibility to solve these things for you/men/anyone.” Listening to FKA Twigs, on the other hand, I felt almost held (as I too have experienced psychological abuse) by her gentle voice. She effortlessly shares her grace with the world, and unapologetically accepts not only all parts of what makes her who she is, but also accepts (as she mentioned) the things that have happened to her as part of her life journey. What a gift she is by simply existing as herself and sharing what she feels comfortable sharing. A goddess, truly.
So true
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊m😊😊😊
Listening to her talk about how cortisol can ruin you post abuse or trauma is so validating
She talks so calculated and calmly it flows so well
Articulative *
I truly believe these types of conversations should be had with hosts that are intellectually equipped to dissect the magnitude of what Twigs went through.
Saying that a way to look at purpose in the institution of chattel slavery is enslaved Africans becoming Christians, an oppressive institutional ideology that African Americans have been indoctrinated into + stripped of all of their beliefs, values, customs, is irresponsible on such a large platform.
Exactly I thought if anything putting that into the metaphor is an example of being trapped in the relationship even still not of getting through and seeing the humanity on the other end
i was in so much shock bc that is not at all what she was trying to say. Ppl who need to find positive meaning in things via religion scare me. Sometimes it's just suffering and accepting that and finding a way to move on
It was such an insane take (no wonder it was met with silence). And it really invalidated everything else he said for me.
I enjoyed listening to Twigs speak and the female host was fine, but the male host lost me many times.
I am glad I read the comments beforehand - I’ll skip that part.
He’s a complete tool
the abuse she’s describing is death by a million tiny little cuts. been there and this fully resonates:(
Shes so done with him at the end and SO AM I
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!
I had to stop the video. So cringe
@@ShizukaRose these comments are super cringe
@@oversoul7how so?
He's talking too much honestly. I really enjoy hearing FKA's thought i feel like we are so blessed to have that person sharing her art with us.
LOOOOOOOOOL!
knowing what she’s been through the past few years, it’s been such a dark time for twigs but i’m happy she’s healed and help others heal as well.
omg bitch you truly are everywhere
38:36 I would also add, butterflies in your stomach. Society tells us, especially women that this sensation is a positive thing. It’s not. It’s your body’s alarm system. “The Body Never Lies”
this!!!!
the way the man kept trying to center himself lol… but that last point about slavery?!?!😵💫 is he ok?
the whole podcast felt like they invited a random cult member into the room with that whisper-tone of his lol but i was trying to ignore him.. then he comes outta left field with that.. 😅😅 huh?!
kinda wish i waited to watch the whole episode before sharing but anyway…. love 2 twigs & any1 who relates to her story.
right 😭 like he lost the plot
Everyone complaining about the guy, I actually think his interventions are great, because he says what a lot of people, usually men, say. Men with their hearts in the right place, but completely clueless. He represents a certain narrative, of people who are not completely clued in emotionally or psychologically, of which there are many. And it gave an opportunity for Twigs to address those basic statements beautifully. Halfway into this interview, when he asks about cues, how could anyone else see it to prevent it, and then Twigs explains the point of abusers is they wear masks. I had that exact same conversation with my boyfriend a few weeks ago.
And then another great moment when she immediately snaps back "I don't think it's my fault, it's unfortunate, it happens, but it's his fault."
Again I doubt he meant any harm by ever implying it would theoretically put the blame on her. But it's a great answer. Just because we can't necessarily prevent it doesn't make it the victim's fault. In fact it makes it less likely to detect an abuser if his entourage can't even tell.
i agree with this idea and that hard questions and topics should be addressed so people can learn to identify and understand these situations but survivors of abuse shouldn’t have to be the ones taking on the burden of making everyone else understand what someone else did to them
Also seems like this podcast is about educating mainly men so it makes sense he would do that. Tho I'm not sure if i fully support the idea of it all.
Wanna say that at the end when she’s talking about her privileges and therefore accepting that she had to heal in front of the world. She does not owe us anything ❤️. It’s horrible that people are financially tied to there abuser and therefore cannot leave. But she should not feel guilty, but celebrate that she build a financial stability for herself with her talent that did help her trough her healing journey after. Coming from a survivor of abuse my biggest lesson is to not feel guilty because some had it worse. It actually slows you down and makes it harder to leave it al behind. Because the guilt of it happening still to other victims can keep you hostage within your traumas too. Talking helps but don’t give yourself away I guess.. It’s brave that she’s sticking up for women everywhere, but I do hope it doesn’t cost her too much off her energy as she is a survivor and deserves to be freed from those haunting troubles. This message is coming from a good place 💓🧿
She’s truly a beacon of light
30:21 it’s so sad yet so true, even with a great friend next to me I was still stuck in an abusive relationship. People underestimate how hard it is to separate yourself from an abuser.
I’m still fresh out of my DV situation. It is so heavy to come to terms with the more everything settles and I have a clear perspective on moments I didn’t remember till after. I’m grateful for her for sharing this because I get to see what healing will eventually be
i am so, so endlessly proud of you
What a positive, hopeful view of how someone can grow and flourish after abuse and challenging experiences. She has such a calming presence.
Justice for FKA Twigs. As an older fan 35 I followed her whole career she’s a joy to watch and I’m proud to be a fan. she’s been nothing short of an absolutely amazing multitalented and multidimensional artist . She deserves all her flowers 🌸 🌺🌻🌻❤️🌷🌷🌷 I pray for her healing. And justice is served. Many times black women stories are ignored and not given the proper light and attention. Thank you all for having her on your platform. A very inspirational young woman ❤❤
The male host talked way too much.
She’s been one of my favorite artists for the last decade. Her music has held my hand through the darkness of similar relationships, reminding me of who I am at times when that was badly needed.
I’m glad to exist at the same time as her ♥️ thanks for this conversation!
“Truth bias” wow. That part made me cry. 17 years with an emotional abuser. I’m 5 years out, actively healing. Possibly speaking out about it is my next phase. FKA twigs, and both interviewers, thank you🙏🏻for this.
I think what was missing from this, is the simple act of LISTENING and taking it in, not reframing to how you understand in a male lens, have that dialogue in your brain. Victims don't have to provide answers to how men should behave, listen to these behaviours, identify them in your male communities and unlearn that as a collective. It is up to men to find ways and methods to hold each other accountable as men, ya'll are the ones with the issue, go to the source. Women have been speaking out, ya'll just don't listen. It shouldn't take having a daughter or a wife to teach you as man to value and treat women like humans and equals, she is not someone's daughter or wife.....SHE IS SOMEONE just as she is and that's all that matters. She is hers. Before she is ever anyone else's.
I am studying trauma release therapy and i really feel for her and am glad she is in recovery. Twigs is a beautiful being.
FKA Twigs is an extraordinary creative and woman for whom i've always had the upmost respect and admiration, to hear her so calm now and able to discuss and take action about it is sooo brilliant, im so glad she has a good support system and the faith in herself once more! Also the way she spoke on narcissistic abuse being boring and non-specific???!!?? I needed to hear that so much, thank you for having her on the podcast and for doing the work that you do ❤️
I am currently coming out of an abusive relationship and watching this really helped me realize that I’m not alone. Everything that she outlined about her abuser align with what I went through.
To focus on the positives, one truly truly must commend FKA Twigs for her unwavering grace and eloquence in responding coherently(and profoundly!) to what can only really be described as a series of half-relevant ramblings and personal anecdotes followed by vague, nigh unanswerable non-questions from one of the hosts. She carried this interview, and though I don’t think that is the _traditional_ responsibility of a guest, she did it beautifully.
His interjection at 32:05 was one of the better ones though!
This was amazing. Twigs is otherworldly and so emotionally intelligent.
's sad is, Shia has gone on to start a family while Twigs has spent time recovering in order to meet her career goals before considering family milestones. What's worse is that a court could rule a lack of human production as a more measurable contribution than a proving a wavering output as a creative life source. ! Thank you for strength + voice Twigs 💫💫 #mothercreep #awomanswork
I always knew there is something very wrong with Shia. I never liked him. Call it intuition or whatever, I learned through years to always trust my first impression, because it always proved to be the right one. What I think first about someone is always true. I wouldnt envy the fact he started a family. He was already split from Mia Goth before, who also looks kind of weird and must be somehow cut to endure Shias antics. She will be the breadwinner because now she has a lot of work, while Shia will never ever work with a big studio anymore. The child will not have a good family life, because Shia never went to any therapies, and I wouldnt want a husband not a father who shoots stray dogs. I just hope the kid will be able to distance from the fathers behavior and will not be like him.
@@fairest1ofThemAllyou speak of Shia and his family as if you know him personally. You have zero idea about the reality of his life. I am a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence myself, so hear me clearly, when I say that Shia needs to be held accountable for the abuse and violence. But also understanding that bad people can grow and evolve and heal too is important. Having justifiable anger is valid. But demonizing someone and his family that you do not know at all is very toxic too.
The pureness of finding it is joy to be with your dogs that love and trust you, want to be with you. It is not unusual for people that has been traumatized by an abusive relationship to describe that you sort of are happiest, or feel safe, when you are with your animals. I like that for us!
100% agree
this podcast is so powerfully healing. that being said, when mentioning how traumatising the justice system can be for the victim I feel there is a very important point missing: the system is the main problem. the systematic lack of emotional education brought us here. the fact that we need celebrities to have an heroic rol and teach us, that's the problem.
I've been a massive fan of twigs for a long, long time and I am so immensely proud of her. Thank you for giving her a space to share her story
She is so inspiring! I am so grateful on her intake about abuse. When she explained the lingering and constant effect of fight or flight after the abuse is sooo REAL! I hate that I have no control on how my body naturally reacts to small or bigger issues through out life. I have this sense to over thinking everything because of all the victim blaming and gaslighting I endured from my abusers. I suffer from social anxiety and ptsd everyday all day to the point where my body and mind feels extremely exhausted even if I didn't do anything that entire day, I still feel drained.
Thank you for giving her the space to express her thoughts and feelings she’s an important voice also thank you twigs for speaking it helps more than you know
Absolute brilliant conversation. Her understanding of the science behind the patterns brings such a relieving catharsis to her recount. Makes you feel understood❤
Thank you for this, I relate to this 100, everything. Hearing this discussion really makes me feel validated in my experience so much. I would say that the love bombing looks all the amazing sentiments , saying they love you right away, etc. yet in real life the actions never match, the actions never match the mirroring, etc, it's like 2 different people, that is a big red flag! Another for me, the silent treatment for no reason at all, and subtly hitting on any women at any public place, to undermine me, was a big one, it's been 7 years since I left/escaped, and I still cannot get past this one!
This was healing for me as someone who has been in an abusive relationship, I found myself nodding my head and relating to so many of her points. Thank you FKA twigs for making me feel less alone
This made me feel so incredibly seen. Thank you.
Twigs is an inspiration.
Thank you Twigs for speaking out not only for yourself but for people who have experienced GBV (Gender based violence) Femicide (the killing of a woman or girl, in particular by a man and on account of her gender). Everything you touched on from the abuser masking to simply women not being able to walk out because) of their finances. Abusers often use finance, financial abuse, as a tactic to keep you completely stuck especially sometimes if women are married and have children, it's often hard to walk out and completely start over. From you highlighting your privilege of being able to go back to your home, most women can't even do that, they've been isolated and stripped of so much even of themselves. It's really more complex than 'why did you stay?' from someone who grew up in a house with domestic violence, I understand it's way more nuanced than that. You're alive now, and thriving in your art, some women don't make it and lose their lives.
Women are not the only ones who are survivors of domestic violence. I am a man and a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence too. We exist.
@@oversoul7 GBV/FEMICIDE - Thank you so much for sharing beautiful soul. I would like to be specific in saying that in no way am I saying that men do not experience domestic violence, sexual violence, physical, emotional, mental, psychological and financial violence/abuse at the hands of perpetrators. I was touching on a specific branch of violence that is 'violence against women' termed GBV (Gender based violence).
The UN Declaration on the Elimination of Violence against Women defines violence against women as
"any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life."
Depending on your society, GBV and femicide ( the killing of a woman or girl, in particular by a man and on account of her gender ) can be highly prevalent for instance some developing countries report the highest rates of GBV and Femicide.
People who identify as LGTBQIA can be subjected to GBV as well. "Gender-based violence - violence that occurs as a result of the normative role expectations associated with the gender associated with the sex assigned to a person at birth, as well as the unequal power relations between the genders, within the context of a specific society (Republic of South Africa, 2020)." Some countries experience GBV, 'violence against women' so much that institutions, supermarkets print it on their shopping bags, South Africa with 48% perpetrated by men against women that it is deeply embedded in its society.
Thank you I will be editing my comment to bring light to GBV and femicide
🙏
Absolutely love FKA Twigs for all the things she embodies. Her art must be a big release and help her to heal. Abuse is a life long healing joourney. Twigs is brave in her self and words. I wish her continued healing and growth and in her upcoming case.
i could listen to her talk all day
Omg FKA twigs ❤️❤️❤️ this woman deserves the entire world … thank you 🙏🏾 for this
Because I don't have a TV and are not wired into popular culture, I had no idea that #FKAtwigs had gone through this. I have known, though, of her immense talent and creativity. She is, in my opinion, **the most interesting and provocative artist working today.** There are hard parts here... that shook me. One example: When she said, in the early days after her going public, folks were supportive. But then they, over time, faded away. I recognize that. Partly, it's human nature. But we, all of us need, to... stand with those we love. For the long haul. Especially if it's inconvenient. You sacrifice for what and those you love. Or it isn't love.
I didn't mean to forget my manners. Thanks for having her as a guest. And thanks to her for being a guest. There is no clock one can put on grief and healing. Our current conceptions of time are antiquated in any case. What we call a moment... can unfold across an entire lifetime. I hope that peace unfolds within her. Because she has such great gifts to give. And is, in fact, a gift.
This convo moved me. listening to her give her perspective was so healing, she's so eloquent and sincere. Love to Twigs 💞
Everyone is being so harsh to this guy, as a survivor myself it's actually so healing to hear a man be supportive and trying to be nurturing and sharing so that she's not the only one sharing.
For a video about healing and abuse can everyone chill, especially as he is a survivor himself 🫶🏽
Thank you FKA Twigs for talking about this issue.
The comment she makes starting at 17:32 about the before and after aspect of abuse is so poignant. I think she’s speaking to something called “Big T” trauma, which is defined as a trauma that creates a “before x and after x” in your life. It can be likened to a massive physical injury, like a fracture that results in nerve damage. There’s also “little t” trauma, which all of us face at one point or another, whether in a small or large capacity. Its physical equivalent is something like scraping a knee. If it happens once or twice over a spread out period of time, you can handle it. But if it’s repeated, frequently, in the same spot, you might end up with a permanent injury.
She is AMAZING. Her insights and openness are so helpful to try to understand. Thank you Twigs!
I'm really liking this interview. Twigs will always be a bit mysterious but there's also a lot of transparency.
I love you FKA Twigs! Before And After. It's crazy, I was already a big fan before I got into a relationship that really destroyed me. It wasn't the first bad relationship I was in or even close to my first traumatic experience, but it was the worst abuse I had ever experienced. He gave me a cool Twigs sticker. Ironic. I reluctantly and messily detached from him. Not when he headbutted me, or slammed me to the floor, or threw things, or screamed, or pushed me, but when he spit in my face. Then I wanted him back and was very depressed and thought I was empty without him. Then I tried to still be his friend even after all of his lies, cheating, abuse, and gaslighting. Then I slowly grew stronger in time away and out of the fog. Then realized - really realized what he had done to me and how it affects me to the core and recognized who he really was. It does get better. I still have the sticker on my dashboard in my car. I am now in EMDR therapy and learning a lot about the knotted history within me and how my body has absorbed trauma. The body keeps the score is a great book too. Thank you for your art, your being, your realness, and your beautiful voice.
Omg the neck thing! First I’ve heard someone else with that particular thing.
I have this with my lower body, my lower back just gives out completely and as a dancer its really hard to feel like I have no control over my body.
Omg same! I do somatic work and yoga but it’s an everyday problem! Same with lower back 😢pain
when does she talk about this pls
Got it too.
I freaking love twigs she’s so cool
Twigs is so pure 🥲
FKA navigated this interview so wonderfully, she is such a beautiful soul
Let me explain what’s going on. The male interviewer’s issue is that he still hasn’t fully healed from being sexually abused as a child. So in his personal life like with his kids and family he tries to do everything in his power to protect them because he wasn’t protected as a child, and I’m sure at times he’s trying to be there in almost humanly impossible way for his loved ones and at those times that he can’t be in 10 places at once can cause conflict between him and his loved ones unfortunately. It’s a beautiful thing to be a strong protector in your family home however it’s most affective when it’s coming from a balanced place, because if it’s not…you’ll give 110% of your effort but only get 60% of the results you worked hard at to be their for everyone. So he’s asking Twigs how can someone be there to protect the ones we love because that’s his position that he strongly takes accountability for and he understands the importance of being a protector from experiencing no one there to protect him. I could dig even more deeper into different pockets of what I’m trying to explain but hopefully you get the gist.
I agree wholeheartedly….
Very thoughtful response i was feeling similarly and was taken off guard from comments as tho they missed that he too was a victim of abuse.
@@idkuandidwt It’s unfortunate that people can’t see into the truth of the matter so easily. I think as an unfortunate side effect of the connectivity that social media brings, we as a global society have become very reactionary. I do know that before I had healed from the sexual and domestic violence that I lived through, I didn’t truly understand what trauma does to people and probably would have responded just like a lot of people in the comment section. Justifiable anger is incredibly difficult to let go of… Thanks for being here…. ❤️🔥
Yeah I think Twigs especially provoked a strong response from him, he even mentioned how much she reminded him of the women in his life.
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your story. It means so so much to so many including me🙏🏼 I can see how much healing you’ve done by the way you talk about it and thank God for all of us so that people who haven’t been through it can understand. Trying to explain being gaslit is really difficult when you’ve been a victim of it. So much love to you ❤️❤️❤️
Related to her story so much. Thank you for having her on, she's truly lovely.
My situation is very different to Twig’s but my healing process in the years following are very near identical.
My body now is so incredibly sensitive to any amount of stimuli and most often when I’m panicking, there’s no root cause other than my nervous system misfiring.
Just like how Twigs explained it, it’s just little stitches over years until you step back and see how big the blanket has gotten. That primal, fight or flight moment where the last piece fits into the puzzle and you start remembering every little thing that’s happened to get you to that point is so indescribable. A person who you’ve viewed as almost above you, a person who you’ve protected suddenly turns into this person who you not only don’t recognise but you’re actually fearful of.
All of the lies that build up, all of that time spent being weaved into a net, feeling so isolated and shaken up to the core, it’s something I’ll never get over.
After I walked away, I truly had nobody to confide in other than my partner. I’d sit and spill my heart out for hours and would never get tired of, as Twigs said, telling the truth. The smear campaign started shortly afterwards and I had a lot of people posting photos with her and then unfollowing me afterwards. It was very clear to me what she was doing.
It’s taken a lot of time to accept that a lot of people will have a false perception of me and that they’ll never understand what I went through but I’m so glad I’m finally at that place.
Thank you for this video. I’m only half way through but I have never related to someone’s experience more.
I wondered why it had been such a long time since she last released an album. But this new one coming out is really worth the wait, and it wouldn't have been what it is if she hadn't gone through this.
I loved what was said by Jamey about helping humanity grow. It is a beautiful outlook, honoring of the vulnerability she has extended to help others who are going through DV or those whom have been affected by DV. The greatest justice that can be done is to call out what has been wronged and to not look away from the truth, God will handle the rest.
Trying to hold some grace for the bloke because, while his interjections seem misguided (some of his questions were brilliant, some seemed like introductions for his monologues rather than being about giving her space to share) and selfish ('It's important to ME to be a protector, tips on how to earn that status and respect?') and misogynistic (systemic not malicious) at times in the way he keeps asking her to take responsibility for abusive patterns perpetuated by men by asking her for 'the answers' or 'the fix', the podcast is literally called 'MAN enough' lmao like he's just doing exactly what it says on the tin. I hope in future he can acknowledge guests as individuals for whom he holds space rather than having to see them though the lens of his sisters or daughter as men often do (because the direct experience of being responsible for the safeguarding of a young woman or specifically a daughter forces the growth of empathy in a way that men are otherwise societally not expected to and even praised for when it should be the bare minimum - see: 'girl dad', 'bi wife energy', 'puppy boyfriend').
Nailed it. Thank you
LOOOOOOOOOL!
Thank you Twigs. Love you ❤
The part about being privileged to be able to return to her home is SO REAL. My partner and I technically didn't live together (he just had most of his belongings at my place). When things would go badly and he'd leave with all his stuff, I felt so much gratitude for my home. To suddenly be in my space, feel safe, and in my own energy, was like being able to breathe again. It felt amazing!
39:55 I can relate to this, and have also seen this in other victim stories.
The pedestal analogy is spot on - that's how the abuser/manipulator trains you into self-manipulation. They put you on a pedestal, and you feel good, then they withdraw 'just enough' that it confuses and scares you and triggers your fight/flight response (but only far enough that they can explain the withdrawal away with some 'trivial' excuse, making you think you over-reacted).
Then when you feel scared they swoop back in as your saviour and safe place, love bombing while also making you feel 'silly for doubting them'.
They repeat this cycle as many times as it takes until you are trained to do it to yourself without them having to do so much as change a tone of voice or give you a certain stare.
Throughout this period they've also been undermining any close/trusting relationships or external support that you have, usually by making little comments that plant seeds of doubt in your mind about the intentions of those friends/family. Then even if your friends are telling you they see a problem, you don't believe them because you don't want to or you believe your friends are the ones 'jealous of what you have'. Your friends are now the 'threat' to your relationship.
Over time as your nervous system becomes trained on their manipulation cycle and they let more of their mask slip, you no longer have an external support network, you dont trust your own judgement because your self-esteem has been eroded, so you feel like the abuser is 'all you have'.
I've learned that the early warning signs to look out for are the push-pull (pedestal/withdrawl) cycle, and the little condescending comments about your loved ones. And also their over-reactions to things that dont go their way which might be small at first but the outbursts get bigger over time (they tend to get angry/offended especially at things that they think make them 'look stupid').
Sorry this was a long comment, but those signs in combination are a big red flag for me, and maybe this might help someone who needs to hear it.
I wish the man would speak less and listen more
yes like just let her talk
She said plenty. You are drama.
literally 10 minutes in and he already interrupted 😐
@@josephirizarry5195 And you are a part of the problem
he talk too damn much
Overall, was great to hear Twigs talking about her experience. That said, I have to admit that the man just felt really out of place in this convo. His heart is definitely good and he comes across as quite warm and smart, but it was irritating to feel him bringing the convo back to himself constantly. The intent was good, but his body language just reads as insecure around two powerful women who know what they are talking about. Let the guest tell their story without trying to bring it back to you! Despite this, still managed to enjoy it, just wanted to give this feedback.
Reading these comments shitting on the male host is like porn to me lol. Along with woke/weak men and women just PSMing about their easy existences lol. Speaking as your opposition on almost EVERY front, PLEASE keep doing this with YOUR men, it's SOOOO fun to watch lol. Reading you shit on the men that support you, feels like I'm cucking them because I don't support you creatures in your delusions lol. So I get to just verbal decimate you because I'm not a man following your ideological rules LMFAO!
Why? A lot of women in the comments are saying this. He was sexually abused as a child, which is worse. So you don’t have compassion for what happened to him because he’s a man? That’s another epidemic problem in our culture; men never talking about being abused so as not to appear as “weak” or “feminine”. And there’s another problem; the feminine being seen as weak or inferior to the masculine. A lot of the abuse that men do to women stems from the fact that they don’t process all that despair and rage and place it onto the woman who loves him, or go to war and do other violent things. Not like hunting or gaming or sports, I mean real violence. If women are talking more openly about their abuse, men need to do the same. Not that they have to talk about it openly, only if they want to. I simply mean men processing their feelings instead of burying it and projecting it onto others, and that’s a feminine art.
A lot of women in the comments are lambasting the interviewer. Why? He was sexually abused as a child, which is worse. So you don’t have compassion for what happened to him because he’s a man? That’s another epidemic problem in our culture; men never talking about being abused so as not to appear as “weak” or “feminine”. And there’s another problem; the feminine being seen as weak or inferior to the masculine. A lot of the abuse that men do to women stems from the fact that they don’t process all that despair and rage and place it onto the woman who loves him, or go to war and do other violent things. Not like hunting or gaming or sports, I mean real violence.
Sometimes war is necessary. It’s often goddesses like Artemis and Kali, not gods, who were associated with war. Why would that be? Aggressive behavior can be hidden behind softer, more feminine overlays. Women need to be aware of that. We need to be conscious of who we’re competing with and why. Collaboration and competition sometimes go together, and sometimes they don’t. If women are talking more openly about their abuse, men need to do the same. Not that they have to talk about it openly, only if they want to. I simply mean men processing their feelings instead of burying it and projecting it onto others, and that’s a feminine art.
Many great points made. Many things were very obvious to me, as I’ve dealt with various versions of abuse from very young, to this very day. But for many, even if they’ve experienced abuse, the dynamics, behaviors, feelings, social currency, damages involved and created by abusive situations/entanglements and ways to grow from and heal from them might not be obvious, and many approaches towards dealing with trauma are not appropriate- even if popular. I do my best to educate/share information about things such as this. Thank you for pursuing justice and sharing your perspective. Even if natural to do, it’s still hard and taxing. Life is so real. 💐✊🏿
Twigs, you are my therapy, thank you, I love you
this is one of the most comforting talks about abuse i’ve ever heard ❤ i really needed this thank you so much for the awareness your podcast brings and oh my god i love her and her art sooooo much
Please tell her to look into pendulation and titration techniques.. it will realease a lot of the trauma and stiffness in her neck. There are lots of books on somatic exercises.
Thank you SO much for sharing this 🙏
The thing is with these relationships most people don’t see the “true” self of the abuser or narc because they make it a point to present themselves so well that even if you were a friend of theirs or a bystander you
wouldn’t see the worse or at least enough to be concerned. And when you’re the victim you never want anyone else to get involved because of fear of the partners reactions against you if anyone does!
ALSO I’m sorry but this man’s questions irk me because as a victim of narcissistic abuse, you’re asking questions that is really difficult for a victim to answer. And then says things like “I don’t mean to discredit you…” but you asking certain questions is kind of trying to alter my truth of this whole situation. There’s a gentle way to approach these topics and I feel like he is not considering the emotional drain/aftermath behind them.
I'm so proud of her ❤such a hero to those who have endured abuse
I just love this woman
Loved this episode!! I hope she continues her journey knowing how loved she is!! Forever ❤ also I wish she danced in The Crow, she did sing and it was awesome!
Loved this talk! I am a Survivor of DV, & appreciate every person’s story! 💞
I kinda hate this guy interjecting and carrying on about nothing. You can see the others’ eyes glaze over when he starts monologuing lol
Fr every time he starts talking I fast forward
Also, wish he would’ve listened more instead of just needing validation about not being a bad person which is what every interjection felt like to me 😭
Thank you. He kept centering himself too much & I don't think it's too bad cause he's clearly on a healing journey but he can be, at times, too much. I also hated his continuous rhetoric about having women in his life like his daughters & wife. Too many men use this language. I have never heard women say this when talking about caring for a man’s life.
I understand that he's working to untangle patterns that have been learned thru imposed patriarchy, but definitely seeing it come thru with the long expositions about his own life, the framing care around having a sister and daughter, these are speech patterns we see so often in men. Somehow the story becomes about them, even when consciously trying to break that cycle. I really appreciate the other host just directly asking questions instead of "this is more of a comment than a question."
Caveat: this is my intro to this podcast, so I'm sure it's not like this every episode! And regardless, I'm really enjoying this!
Agreed, let her speak
Twigs' recent releases, Drums of Death and Eusexua, are incredible!!! I love the dance videos and I can't wait for her new album in Jan
We had the chance to explore the role of enablers and we didn’t. At some point, when you talk about the system that protects abusive men, you need to talk about women and men with internalised misogyny that allows this. Because sometimes enablers are worse than abusers
Check out the episode with Jackson Katz
Thank you for putting into words what seems impossible to explain at times #thankyou
An amazing artist 🙏
45:59 the answer to your question is boundaries. How does this person respond to when a boundary is put in place. I think that’s biggest red flag with an abuser and how you can distinguish someone from one
Allowing men to be beautiful sounds like allowing our natural, intuitive nature to come forth in relationships. So that a man will feel the woman's needs, boundaries and emotional intelligence. A men's group can allow men to learn how to treat woman with respect and grace. And be held accountable within the field of other men holding each other with compassion, but with natural law like behaviors. 🎉❤🎉 Adore your work😮
shes so sweet and values the core aspects of a things nature
I think fka was so well spoken but this man needs to stop interfering with the narrative and making it about himself
That part where she explained how abusers/narcissists are so wonderful to everyone but you. I asked my abuser that and got abused for asking that. Everyone who doesn't see through him Loves him. He's funny, he has style, he's creative, he's a vibe, he's a loyal friend, he's sweet and sensual. Bla bla bla. The one he comes home and abuses is his garbage disposal, his punching bag, all of his insecurities and disgusting things go into you and they have to work it into you in a way that is clandestine. He must make you feel completely dependent on him for approval. And then when you realize that there is no rhyme or reason to his abuse, it breaks down. The whole facade no longer works and they then have to hate you and make you hate yourself before they leave and go on to the next person. Like she said, it's not about you, it's always about them. Sadly yes, but also thank God for that. You see how pathetic and dangerous they are.
I pray for unity. We need each other
The man is doing too much, just waffles about nothing. I'm getting secondhand embarrassment from the cringe comments he's spouting. Also its not appropriate to dump your own trauma on the guest, this isnt about you.
agreeeed
Stop being such an ungrateful complainer. You are projecting. This platform allows her to tell her story. You are extremely negative and nobody likes that.
@@josephirizarry5195 Well it would be great if she could speak and share her story without being interrupted by nonsensical ramblings and Facebook auntie quotes. Don't you see how many times she's just quiet after he speaks? It's tone deaf.
@@josephirizarry5195 shut da fuzz up. You must be his ghost account or something.
@@josephirizarry5195 You are a part of the problem. Self-reflect.
thank you twigs ❤️
i had to skip parts whenever that man opened his mouth
I like that she didn’t say that she hates masculine energy and instead said that if should be celebrated ❤
26:00 Very true and something only people who have been abused will understand, in my experience.
the guy kept reiterating what she said with a little extra fluff at the end and sharing anecdotes like, bro…. please stop :/
28 years navigating the confusion that comes with being a guy and not being allowed to be beautiful without being put in a stinky box.
Thank you for speaking out on that ✨
OH HELL YEAH LETS GO❤❤❤❤❤❤
Beautiful podcast 🤍
WHY is it men always do this weird thing of relating it to a family member/ daughter/ sister they have when they talk about domestic violence/ sexual assault and their distaste/reason for speaking up. I know there's 0 malice behind it but it really rubs me the wrong way (btw I am a man - It's just something that's irritating me when trying to get through this)
Like why is it always "I have a daughter/you could be my sister" and not "I'm a human being with the intelligence to know its clearly wrong". Besides just in general being a weird thing to say, Empathy isn't contingent on one’s own experiences or it's proximity to you and instead should be based on a basic, inherent respect for others.
To a certain extent I understand - it's human nature to attempt to empathise through comparison and what's nearest to your life but in this context its always a little weird to me
THANK YOU for saying this! This man used so many opportunities to center himself and I was tired of hearing him talk by the middle of it 😂
I also wonder why men have to look at this through a lens of not wanting it to happen to their sister or their daughter like why can’t they just say that they don’t want it to happen to any of us, a complete stranger. Would they only defend their own? Why wouldn’t they defend anyone and everyone from abuse?
This is a problem - so many men say they are protectors, and they aren’t abusers or that they would defend women but where are they when it happens!?
A lot of men know about their friends/ coworkers/ cousins behavior but they stay out of it. They don’t step in. Some men do but very few!
Ask me how I know 😢
@@eljofrvayou are also acting like only women experience domestic violence or sexual assault. You lump men together as a group instead of understanding that people (human beings) not just men do the behaviors you speak of. Plenty of women will shame survivors or find fault in them or not believe them too or cope in weird ways. Trauma doesn’t discriminate based on gender.
@@oversoul7Yes but the conversation is about women experiencing sexual assault and the reaction of men. I’m sure they also know it happens to men, they aren’t talking about men. They also aren’t lumping all men together lmao, use critical thinking
@@Gooshieooshie5000 And what I’m stating is that the opposite is also incredibly true. Women also refuse to step in when they can clearly see something is wrong. As a survivor of sexual assault who works to help others, it’s important to understand that trauma like this can affect anyone. And the way that other people (men and women) respond to it is shitty. So utilize your own critical thinking and start thinking of the larger societal problem. But go ahead and rationalize your reaction to the situation. ❤️🔥
@ Lol and this is why OP implied the conversation would be a lot healthier if it was just a round table for women. I am a man, lol, and I do know a lot about male sexual assault, I just don’t use it as a talking point when other discussions are being had. I’m telling you to stop and think about wether your comment is appropriate in this particular discussion, not wether your experience is valid in the topic of sexual assault. You, like a lot of men, don’t understand that in your attempt to open up the conversation, you isolate women who’ve been having these discussions openly for so long, as well as isolating the many men still struggling because now they’re seen in the same light as confrontational men like you. It’s a losing battle that’s only helped by having these discussions in spaces centered around male sexual assault, so it looks less like you co-opting a space in an attempt to look much smarter than your argument. Again everyone in their right mind knows that male sexual assault happens, it’s not a grand new idea
The topic and her insights were amazing to hear, that man was spiraling a bit though weird energy. The slavery point?? ‘Now black people love white people all because of slavery and Christianity’ my god….
Very Inspiring.
love her❤
I think its really important to say that yes the highest rates are from males in hetro relationships ... but this doesn't only happen in straight relationships, and men aren't always the only perpetrators - its actually a big issue in the LGBTQI+ community.... all experiences of abuse are valid. My first abuser was a woman, who actually perpetuated alot of "traditional" values and relationship dynamics in a toxic way. I think the ways we can address abuse in society is to really examine power and control dynamics and how they play out in all kinds of relationships. Healing from abuse meant I started to see how abuse of power is pretty much encouraged in the patriarchy and hierarchical systems that run through all kinds of cultures (imperialist / fascist / capitalist etc etc). As we dismantle these dynamics and ways of thinking / being there will be less space for abuse and manipulative behaviours to thrive.
@@willo_joy A lot of people can’t see past the gender binary unfortunately. It immediately becomes a way for people to bash men in general. As a gay man, I know exactly what you mean about how big of an issue this is in our community. I don’t have answers to solve these problems but I can stand in solidarity with other survivors, regardless of their gender lend my strength and compassion and support in whatever way I can. Thanks for voicing this comment. ❤️🔥
@@oversoul7🥹 appreciate your solidarity, being seen and heard is such a huge part of it, sending it to you also sibling. Your message brought some tears! Im still learning the right terms for everything so have stayed quiet alot fearing saying clumsy things...or bringing more shit to our communities door. Truly hoping we can find more ways to create space for survivors to speak up 🦋
@@willo_joy Thank you for your kind words. Like I said, I don’t have answers for all of these problems, but what I’ve learned is that if you are working through your trauma, there absolutely are people who will help you in whatever way you need it. It’s tough work and “painful” doesn’t adequately express the experience on some days, and you don’t need to follow anyone’s timeline on when or how to be well. There are people who believe you, who see you, and who feel you. And most of all who love you through all of it. ❤️🔥
thank you so mucg for apowerful share and episode