The fine act of discernment (key to avoiding narcissistic relationships)
Вставка
- Опубліковано 4 бер 2022
- ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Avoid those who present as a perpetual victim and want your pity and empathy! Run to the nearest exit now.
This is love bomb by vulnerable nar.
They want you to save, cure, and help them all the way.
I was in a relationship with someone in which I was a therapist, mother, cheerleader, cook, sex therapist, handyman, and the secretary. After a decade, I’m exhausted and done with this.
I can relate as I was All IN ONE for my Narc. I can not believe how I stayed listening/ being therapist to him like a caring person. I lost my boundaries in the process and just left. I still wonder why the relationship was never give and take, instead it was always TAKE from his side.
part of my problem is that I cannot tell if they are being manipulative or they are genuinely in so much pain that they ignore me until they really need sympathy
Being alone is so lovely after a lifetime of abuse. I'm being careful who I let in valuing myself, and it feels really good.
I’m 69 and chose to separate and live alone several years ago. Best thing I ever did! My parents were narcissists and I married 2 men who also were. What saved me was living grandparents who I lived with part time. I still have trust and self value issues but I enjoy life so much more. My only regret is not discovering Dr Ramani sooner. She is totally awesome has been absolutely life altering for me! I wish you much joy and happiness!
Correction: loving grandparents
Oh yes. After 29 years with narcissistic parents, feels so good 3 years alone. They still call expecting me respond. But from no contact I went to low contact. Now just living my life the way I want.
I agree
same, and good for you
NEVER put anyone on a pedestal. Even those we admire have flaws and we need to hold them to account if those flaws cross over in toxic behaviour.
Yes, well said.
This is very good advice, I am presently going through a situation exactly like this.
All of this!
Difficult when you're being gaslighted and all the rest.
Yes as much as we may admire someone, most of the time we don't know and we cannot see what that person is like behind the scenes...
“Being alone is far better than being gaslit”
amen :)
Being alone is much better
Yes 👍🏻, it’s been 2 months for me and ive grown so much in peace ☮️ and I see things a lot more clearly . Doing the work , facing it all and healing . 🙏 ✝️
18yrs n going strong 💪🏼
Or abused much better to be alone
Growing up in a household where I was not allowed to have boundaries and make choices for me or be safe with my own thoughts or feelings made me keep everyone out for years. Yet I always had a sense of who was right or wrong for me but I lacked the ability to trust myself after years of gaslighting. So glad to be healthier now and happy to hear these messages. It explains why I always felt like developing interpersonal relationships was a luxury I didn’t have. I feel like you walked through the feelings that I was raised to have and their impact. The damage is real but on the other side with self love and self compassion I am getting the gift of trusting myself and being able to use the discernment I have and act on it.
Awesome
❤️❤️❤️
I feel the same way. So well put. Hope all your good efforts bear fruit. Wishing you all the best in your healing journey.
Hi 👋 hi 👋 I just got home
The same in my family, as if their choices and opinions where ALWAYS more correct or accurate than mine. They never considered that I might have a valid point.
The more I heal the less of a rush I'm in. I love being alone for the first time. Anyone I bring into my world and the world of my children will be carefully curated.
Yes!
Thanks to you, Dr, Ramani, I am getting so very good at spotting a narc from the start. For me, the first sign is subtle devaluing. As soon as someone starts devaluing, they're out of my life. No second chances. Crap never smells better the second time.
So stealing that last line
@@melissawentlandmoreno4559 no problem😎
Wow!!!! My assessment as well!!! I don't have time for these people!
Can you list an example???
@@jennifermeza1726 ok, sure. Here's a recent subtle example: I walk my Beagle twice a day. I encountered another fellow who had two dogs and liked my girl. We would encounter each other sporadically when we both took our event walks. As I have been sucked in to way too many narcissistic relationships, I kind of hold back on my details until I can get a bead on someone. Anyways, at each encounter, he'd give my dog a treat and talk about himself. I'd smile and nod my head and we'd go on our separate ways. One evening, I decided to do a little test. After he gave me an update on his life, I started to talk about something that dealt with me. As soon as I changed the subject, he started to look at me like "whatever" and slowly walked away. I thought to myself "gotcha!". I knew almost form the start he was a narc and he confirmed it. Now, whenever I see him, I just change direction and ignore him. One day he walked up behind me and said "haven't talked to you in quite awhile" I turned around, smiled at him and said "yea, that's true" and kept walking. The point I'm trying to make is: a simple test you can do is watch their reaction when you change the subject to you. Hope that helps.
There is actually a saying in my country that applies to this situation. Is goes something like this: with some people, it's better to lose them then to find them
When I bought a little house, on my own, it had a fenced yard with one gate. Only then did i truly understand boundaries. I have the power to open the gate to others. I have the permission, by the state, to defend my property (my person). When I transposed this onto my personal relationships, a huge step forward.
Thank you for your voice. It helps me develop mine.
Thanks for this
Thank you so much for sharing this. Your voice is helping me too.
Yep, I don't let myself get comfortable around people because I've been "voted off" by narcissistic people when I try set boundaries. As I didn't have the best teacher in my mom, I don't know how to properly defend my boundaries, so I do prefer to be by myself anymore. I don't feel alone anymore though, I feel safe!
I love that perspective
@Miss Tiny & Mary Carroll I agree completely and feel comforted knowing that others out there feel the same. I don't have the time or the energy anymore.
I agree. For so long I've wanted friendships and sought them out. But now I feel so much safer alone, focusing on my family. I don't trust others and in a way I feel free from needing to be liked. I feel more confident in new places in a way. Because I no longer care about others opinions. I don't have expectations. Empaths have to protect ourselves.
What you just said about 'the lifelong legacy of devaluation' really hits the mark for me! In hindsight it's mindblowing to me how many times I've jumped at the chance for love the moment anyone showed interest. It's made me extremely vulnerable to love-bombing. But by now it has cost me so much that, honestly, I no longer feel lucky at all when someone shows interest. I just feel scared.
Oh, I hear you! I could have written exactly the same words!
@@sarir2749 I'm really sorry that happened to you as well! I hope it'll change for you!
Maybe you have already considered this idea but I just thought I would mention how much valuable information you can learn about a person if you’re able to observe them with their own family and set of friends. Maybe a group date would be a safe way to dip your toe in the water. You can sit back and observe the way he acts with others without having to spend a lot of time revealing anything about yourself right off the bat.
@@jenniferdavis3483 Love it!!!!
A NORMAL way to meet people in a group. The old people warned us about pairing off too quickly, cos the Narcissist ONLY wants to get us alone to cut off our right to reality test with others we trust. Can be very seductive i.e. "You picked me? I must be gooder than I thought if you oh Exalted One can see it. Give me more!" Hence the Love-Bombing stage. Yeah. Right. Special like a lamb to slaughter.
@@jenniferdavis3483 to ALL: Group dynamics are multiplied, so if it goes bad, it goes bad very fast. It's easier to catch. Reclaim our rights to discern and reject out of hand if need be ,trust your gut and don't let the Flying Monkeys guilt you into self doubt by saying you are being close minded. Fact is they will accept any filth that crawls.
It's possible to reach that point in life to be good with our own company. That feeling of freedom, priceless.
I loved being alone for decades but recently started feeling lonely..I hope I can go back to LOVING solitude...I have been approached by many for about two years...
ALLLL but one were crazy as loons...
AND the one nice person was a wonderful young man from Istanbul...who moved away when his heart was broken by a narc flight attendant he wanted to marry...
I feel like non narcs are just SCREWED by life
I remember growing up hearing, "Who do you think you are, the queen of Sheba?" for daring to express my needs and or personality. When I dared to ask questions or speak directly, I was dismissed as being tactless and having no sense of diplomacy, as if I should have known better as a young child.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Those people had no right to say that to you, and no right to teach a young girl that her needs and personality are unimportant. They didn't deserve you.
After a year divorced from my narc ex, I was distance talking with/dating a woman who hid it pretty well, but i started picking up hints all over that she was narcissistic. Several big red flags, especially a comment she made about someone being too sensitive made me look closely. Thankfully my discernment allowed me to look past the excitement and see. Broke it off shortly after. Don't need that trouble again.
Good for you! Great lesson for me!
Congratulations 🍾🎊🎈🎉! You saved your soul , time and peace of mind 👏👏👏👏👏. You escaped earth’s working demons 😂
Hooray! You escaped a potentially bad situation!
@@juliecipolla6732 Thank you, glad if I could be a help!
@@inaj27 Escaped is right! 😂 well said.
Honestly I have to thank my ex-narc for putting me in this place where I am no more afraid of ending up alone for the rest of my life..I may be alone but I am never lonely 😊
Taking my slow sweet time to even think of someone new.
If I ever get out of this marriage, I will be thrilled to be alone.
Amen to that
Being alone is not so bad. I’m actually in a weird and toxic relationship and watch these videos like a champ to gauge my next move.
“I once was lost but now I’m found. Was blind but now I see”. Amen💖
🎯✝️🔥🙏❤
AMEN!!👐👐
My narc mother never respected boundaries. If I protested, I was called 'selfish'. The result....I married a narc because I did not understand boundaries. I am alone now and realize I will be for the rest of my life.
Alone.....15 years this Valentine's Day......and never going back.♥️
My mom had the same attitude, I feel peaceful being on my own after all..., that kind of abuse leaves you with enough healing work to be done for the rest of your life. I wish healing for all, especially women who then can never compromise for abusers, surely the world will be a better place. 💜
If only we survivor's had a mtg place that was narc proof. Dr Ramani could create international schools🙏
My willingness to trust is like a pendulum swinging widely, from sharing too easily to walling myself into isolation. Trusting my gut, learning discernment, and believing in my value are priorities in my healing journey. I greatly value your teachings and willingness to share. 🧡
Me too @Jeanne SDR
this describes me personally. I'm learning! Thanks Dr. R! 💗
@@Casa_de_la_luz knowing it is common amongst survivors of NA normalizes it for me. Thanks for your comment
@@starlingswallow So grateful for Dr Ramani's content and heart! 🧡
Same here! It's annoying and disgusting!!!
Same here! It's annoying and disgusting!!!
I used to be a person who waited to be chosen. It didn't occur to me that *I* could do the choosing when it came to friends and even boyfriends!
Now I understand the importance of me choosing. I have a right to.
That old thinking opened me up to toxic friendships AND relationships!
Ooooof.
I'm so glad I'm learning. Thank you Dr. R!
I was so independent that I never actually selected my friends. They picked me, and I went along. Too many were true narcissists. Not so difficult to explain my toxic, sneaky, narcissistic husband who actually hunted me down. Disgusting. Thank you all for your thoughts on this difficult subject.
Waiting to be chosen … wow that really struck a cord with me.
Thank you. Definitely something I will think about. 🙏
Exactly, we are taught that putting ourselves first in any way is selfish but it's not
I use being busy a lot! Having obligations that take away time, attention, and other resources away from the narcissist (or person with problem behaviors) is a powerful REPELLENT. They move on quickly to new sources of supply. I have learned so much and am thankful that I learned discernment.
Heck yeah! Being alone means not having to be hypervigilant 24/7/365 and not having to worry about what little thing you do is going to set them off today. It's lovely and peaceful and you can hear your own thoughts again.
Being a survivor is like starving. When you haven’t had solid food in a very long time a garbage dump looks like a banquet. When someone who gets regular food sees the garbage dump, they see it for what it is…garbage. Survivors need to strengthen their discernment so they can identify the “garbage”relationships from the healthy ones.
It was such a joy the first time I saw a red flag, and noticed it. I didn't rule out that person as a possible future friend. I just took note, and was prepared when she started to bully AND love-bomb me, more or less at the same time, on facebook. I realized that she had identified me as a potential victim. I just ignored her and shared something silly on my fb-wall. Binge-watching your youtube-films had payed off! (I didn't feel calm inside - I was shaking, and I called a friend to talk about it - but I knew that I had learned something.) It is so much more difficult with the ones that I have already let in. They really are like vampires!
Love it, thanks for sharing
That's why I kicked out practically EVERYBODY from my life starting in 2020 when I recovered from covid. Still kicking em out.
Anyone who is on the fence about me (potentially a Flying Monkey) is OUT!!!!! Such people continue to damage me by furthering my own self doubt about my DISCERNMENT and self worth.
Whew
I found out who Dr. Ramani was and what narcissistic abuse is when she was on Red Table Talk years ago. With her workshops, videos on UA-cam, and going to therapy myself she help me identify that I was a scapegoat in my family. That I wasn't "too sensitive" "crazy" or "mental ill." Thank you so much you are saving lifes and validating so many people who has gone through this.
There is no winning when you are in a narcissistic relationship
You win yourself when you leave !
Small wins lead you to a big victories. You can start setting boundaries with a narcissist. It makes you confident so you can make a big win!
There is no winning in any relationship since relationships are not competitions.
@@pernilladomander7648
You are both right! 'Winning' has different connotations.
I'm going to give the op the benefit of the doubt and try to understand the meaning behind her words. The same for you - I think you are saying that it is difficult to measure success in a relationship since there is no obvious scoring system. I hope I did you justice. -L
Abusers are evil. Psychological emotional or physical abuse. A power that prays recognises evil. Let's not excuse evil behaviour and the labels such abusers cast on others. We are dealing with people who are apathetic about violating and using the sacred for fame money or research. It doesn't matter where a person is from. They still represent high ideals. Let's not excuse evil and give them a licence to abuse regardless of where a spiritual entity is from or what they look like.
Agreed, they crucified Jesus because He called them out...
94 O Lord God, to whom vengeance belongeth; O God, to whom vengeance belongeth, shew thyself.
2 Lift up thyself, thou judge of the earth: render a reward to the proud.
3 Lord, how long shall the wicked, how long shall the wicked triumph?
4 How long shall they utter and speak hard things? and all the workers of iniquity boast themselves?
5 They break in pieces thy people, O Lord, and afflict thine heritage.
6 They slay the widow and the stranger, and murder the fatherless.
7 Yet they say, The Lord shall not see, neither shall the God of Jacob regard it.
8 Understand, ye brutish among the people: and ye fools, when will ye be wise?
9 He that planted the ear, shall he not hear? he that formed the eye, shall he not see?
10 He that chastiseth the heathen, shall not he correct? he that teacheth man knowledge, shall not he know?
11 The Lord knoweth the thoughts of man, that they are vanity.
12 Blessed is the man whom thou chastenest, O Lord, and teachest him out of thy law;
13 That thou mayest give him rest from the days of adversity, until the pit be digged for the wicked.
14 For the Lord will not cast off his people, neither will he forsake his inheritance.
15 But judgment shall return unto righteousness: and all the upright in heart shall follow it.
16 Who will rise up for me against the evildoers? or who will stand up for me against the workers of iniquity?
17 Unless the Lord had been my help, my soul had almost dwelt in silence.
18 When I said, My foot slippeth; thy mercy, O Lord, held me up.
19 In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul.
20 Shall the throne of iniquity have fellowship with thee, which frameth mischief by a law?
21 They gather themselves together against the soul of the righteous, and condemn the innocent blood.
22 But the Lord is my defence; and my God is the rock of my refuge.
23 And he shall bring upon them their own iniquity, and shall cut them off in their own wickedness; yea, the Lord our God shall cut them off.
The information you give is life-saving.
“ I’m busy “ is my go to.
'I need to think about it.' is mine. However a little too often someone will try to push their luck and start pressurising me.
If there's one thing I learnt from my Ex is that I never ever want to feel the abuse I felt from him. The feelings I had were undescribeable. I am very wary of people now. 🍒
I have learned to say No to a small request just once when meeting someone. I want to see how they react and this helps me with discernment. If they can't cope with a small 'no' and be gracious then this is a red flag for me.
This is my go-to when meeting new people as well. Say no to something smal and if they quickly rebuttle in any way, shape, or form, I keep that in the forefront of my mind. it seems small, but saying no to something small establishes a minor boundary; if someone can’t respect that, imagine what else they’re going to try to override in the long run.
Bingo…I wrote this down…We have the right to set boundaries and do what is good for us.
Exactly. I am 2 years no contact with ex and single on purpose to become educated on emotional abuse and red flags. I can see so clearly now with new people and don't get attached quickly and walk away easily.
That sounds like, “Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me Twice shame Me “ ! Thank you.
Absolutely. Just because it “feels like home” doesn’t make it good.
Yah exactly. And using discernment is literally about reading the energy around you and using your intuition so you can understand what’s going on in a deeper level instead of judging a book by its cover and letting your ego trap you in fear and comfort zones. Discernment is very important to learn for anyone who wants to live a better life.
Right on!!!!!
Respect, kindness and compassion
Narcissists are only human in the physical sense. They need food & sleep like normal people, but that's where the similarities end. They completely lack empathy, compassion, self-awareness, and the ability to genuinely love anyone. Those are the things that truly make us human. Discernment is what helps us to prevent those who aren't "human" from destroying our peace.
Yes. They are truly so devoid of humane traits that it is difficult to call them human.
Key: "...alluring, without your realizing it .."
So true.
Exactly Dr. Ramani we often want so much to be loved - we paint the portrait of a person we want to see in front of us and jump right in, but we create Achilles heel.
I did not encounter narcissists until I married my ex, his mother, and birthed another narc. I was at such a disadvantage with them because of my ignorance, inherent naïveté, and unwillingness to first think ill of them and second to stoop to their level of behavior. Went on for 59 years. Finally I’m learning.
This really touched me, Kaye! What a difficult extraction from that soup ~ GOOD FOR YOU!!!
I am sorry what you went through. But a narc is not birthed. We need to educate our children to grow up empathetic. To teach them how to have good relationships. I am sorry but as much as an narc is blamed...overcaring and letting our own boundaries be constantly overstepped can be a problem too. That is OUR responsibility. It's not a one way street.
@@johannamonapa5368 that is a good point, however, my son had the same parents & home but is SO not a narcissist. The age old issue of nature versus nurture. It has to be a combination of both. I cannot escape the fact that both of us parents modeled our behaviors for our kids. I only wish I’d been aware of all this before I became a parent.
Boy do I need this today. My narcissistic sister cussed me out really bad last night.
Every time I hear Dr. Ramani day "survivors" my heart breaks, because I realize that it really is like that, you have survived something extremely threatening and bad...
As a c-ptsd survivor, I have to be discerning in every single one of my possible connections. I've made so many mistakes, even in potential friendships which eventually go south.
I fell for a narcissist because I didn't want to be alone. Now I am very happy to be alone
I am just starting to recognize the impact of my childhood and the relationship patterns I have repeated over and over.
All my life I was told "Beggars can't be chossy" and I was Always the Beggar. I had absolutely no value at any time. It's a lot of work getting out of that mindset. I know it is worth the constant effort.
Discernment!!! You will always know when you need to walk away!!! No excuse. Walk away.
These are the most horrible horrible people in the world! They lie, cheat, steal, complain, play mind games, make you feel less then, arrogant, rude, prideful, place themselves on thrones, has STDs, always talking about worldly accomplishments, etc etc. Some are addicted to alcohol, sex and illegal drugs! And what's worse, they enjoy discussing your past, faults and regrets and Thiers only your past!!!Y advices, find better, run and save yourself!! 💯❤️
What you said about just lapping it up in the past speaks to me. It's so important to truly know we are worth protecting, that we can trust ourselves, that our company is valuable, that we are worth being selective in who we give our attention to. Especially empathic people, because narcissists are drawn to us. I'd love to hear more about your real time experiences in discernment.
Amen, thank you
Dr R thank you for all the information you give us regarding narcissism and how to respond to a narcissist. I really do appreciate you
Yup just like my father who thinks it’s not his problem or he shouldn’t stand up for me b/c his friend made sexual pass on me. He wants me to own the shame and disgust that belongs to the perpetrator. You don’t even want to know the antagonizing he did even 2 yrs after finally opening up about it and holding it in for 15yrs due to ‘his business’ and friendship.. even though this man didn’t multiple times to his sister (my aunt) and also my mother.
Discernment is a gift of the Spirit.
After surviving narcissistic abuse from both a coworker and an ex significant other, what I do now is that whenever I meet someone new I assume that they are a narcissist and they have to prove to me that they are not.
I do not give people the benefit of the doubt anymore when it comes to who I let into my life. Yes I am using a guilty until proven innocent standard when it comes to people that I interact with now. However, I can assure you that this way of how I discern people may not be as friendly as I used to be, but it is a lot safer…
I'm at this point too, though I don't make it obvious in conversation. But inside .......
Thank you for educating regarding this… I’ve come to realize who the narcissists are in my family… I always thought there was something wrong with me, that I’m a bad Christian for setting boundaries… I see now where I was gaslighted…
Today's topic is huge...at least for me. Exchanging the safety of isolation for the possibility of a connection is so scary. Sometimes I dream of rowing away from this island of lonely but then anxieties fill my mind. Did I forget how to row, what if my boat sinks, and worst of all, the possibility of being stranded? These worries give me a hot flash!
I feel the same. It can be scary. 😐
@Mary CarrollI was left to handle both physical and emotional abuse alone. It was a given that I was a prop to be used by the parental N. The choices I made in my early to mid-adult years mirrored my childhood home. Without boundaries, I was a doormat at work. It is only now, in my later years that I've begun to examine and learn how to take back my life.
My fear in that scenario would be sharks aka other narcissists
Fortress is perfect for me. I pulled up my drawbridge in 2007 and it’s been marvelous. I’m finally alone, safe and happy.
Love this topic, thank you! An old saying that has become more meaningful to me, especially as I age is “giving people the benefit of the doubt is just another form of insanity”. I think I’ve dealt and still deal with Enough insanity in my life as is lol!
When you mentioned how using discernment doesn’t mean that one is not trusting, that resonated with my experience of feeling like I had become so jaded. Then I realized that I’ve always been and will always be an open trusting kind of soul. Comfortable with being discerning I realize that I trust me and my feelings more now - instead of the new ‘exciting’ personal who seems to really see me (quite possibly marking me for future abuse actually). Maybe/maybe not. Just feels good to keep my power in the situation.
Exactly I’d rather be alone then with someone and gaslighted 💯! Yeah my mom said I have no rights on anything. She crossed all boundaries with me. Having gone through narcissistic abuse from my parents especially my mother has made me so hyper aware, conscious and discerning of who people really are. I can read right through someone’s b.s. I’m a survivor and wounded warrior, it’s complete spiritual warfare out here. Yeah your eyes are wide open you aren’t so trusting after being through this kind of special hell of narcissistic abuse because your traumatized and hurt and don’t want to get that type of heartbreak again by being screwed over.
Thank you for this much needed reminder Dr. Ramani. ❤️🙏🏻 At almost 34 years old, I’ve only just begun setting those boundaries and recognizing toxic patterns. Without these messages and reminders it is so easy to slip back into those old patterns.
Ugh. This made me cry bc it’s so true. Growing up in environments with narcissistic family members has really affected my adulthood relationships. I’m so not discerning when it comes to new friendships and new people bc I desperately want to be accepted and valued. I get worried that if I’m not open and vulnerable immediately, and actually take my time feeling them out, they won’t stick around. Then I get hurt anyway for trusting too quickly. And there’s the end of my diary entry lol. Thank you so much for this video. ❤️
You just have to keep this in mind -- if someone offering a love relationship situation to you that appears "too fast" and "too good to be true", the alarm warning bells should be ringing!
100%
Talking to a guy who i met online and who said I love you in 2 weeks without having met me yet. BYE
"The luxury is respect, kindness, reciprocity and compassion."
You nail it every time.🙏🏾😀♥️💞💞 Better to be alone than with the wrong crowd or unhealthy ppl has been key👌🏾to me & if someone loves and cares about you, then they don't need to take advantage/devalue you.... Period! I have been on my own for 3mths now, having survived constant family mobbing/scapegoating and thorough devaluation from a toxic family. Walking away from it all & being on my own has been the best feeling & experience so far, as I can't trust myself to engage with anyone for now, so I took your advice, date myself, enjoy and be in my own space. I love it and def. encourage anyone to give it a go.
All we can really work on really is ourselves. Thank you for this topic Dr.Ramani. You are a ray of sunshine🌻☀️💝☀️🤗💝
I recently became involved in another narcastic relationship. I realised early, I'm out of here. She saved me from making the break . She said to me, "it's my way or the h'way "
I replied, there's a song about that, Elton John sang, the h'way never looked so good, it looks so sweet and so free. She just looked at me. I have gone, no contact and I feel empowered. I'm getting better at recognising the red flags and acting upon them. Thankyou Dr Ramani.
The most critical lesson I've learned, in regards to discerning who and who not to trust came after realizing, professional people are, human, and, have limited understanding of my, personal life experience. As well intended as they may be in offering advice, I have to live with the consequences of my choices, whether their professional guidance seems appropriate or not. I've made some really tough choices to walk away from numerous professionals, who had gained the trust of hurting people as they sought guidance. Down the road, I found out, my gut was right. It's been a really tough lesson.......but I'm better today..and working on not letting bitter take root...at 73, I got some living to do...so thank you Dr. Ramani for speaking up, and out for us slow learners...I don't intend to stop learning and growing until my last breath. Thanks again. Bless you!
Thank you so much for all of your amazing videos! I have lived 40 years of this… and it’s so refreshing to finally find out that I’m not so crazy after all. 🙏🏼🥺 I truly Appreciate everything you say in these video.
My narc sister told me my teeth are ugly, and they are damaged from coffee drinking 50 year's. I drank a entire pot or 2 of coffee a day, but she said they're stained but I'm older. And she thought I made a comment about her weight. And she yelled F YOU IN MY FACE.
“They can run away.” Thank you for sharing your process!
You are so right about this; I saw people in the Industry that they never met me, and they are telling me that I am an asshole or other things based on nothing; the worst thing of all is that I relived the Smearing Campaign twice, once when I was married, and then I decided to divorce a sociopath narcissistic bipolar schizophrenic individual who unfortunately against its own will the person inherited those disorders genetically from the parents and me being a highly empathetic person I was ready to take on the abuse for 12 years cause I convinced myself it was not the person's fault but I couldn’t take it anymore after 12 years, my resistance reached a limit that when I decided to leave I literally started vomiting all the poison, I took on for 12 years, I hugged the toilet for 4 hours straight and I just couldn’t stop vomiting and had massive fever and chills, after vomiting was over and I was able to fell asleep and the morning after when I woke up and I woke up with a sense of knowing deep inside of me that I will not be going back to that person then the vomiting, fevers and chills went away instantly. The second time I fell dumbly for a 6 months relationship; thank god for the time around I understood who I was dealing with after 4 months, not 12 years, that the person was not good for me and was highly abusive, also a sociopath, so I made some progress. At least this one didn’t have the other two genetically inherited disorders. The person was this way cause of the vast traumatic experiences from childhood life that never decided to heal and instead convinced itself that being a socio and narc was the best choice by modeling one of the parent's behaviors and lifestyle. However, this second discard also showed I didn't heal from the childhood trauma cause I kept attracting and me being attracted or needy to believe in them and fall for them. So I guess even if I went through 50 hours of therapy, it helped me to reduce handing over the power to them from 12 years to 4 months; I am ready to take on whatever it takes to make that zero days in my life. Thank you immensely. I cannot believe that people I thought were best friends do not even respond to me anymore. When I ask why… either they keep giving me some stupid “lip service” (stupid excuses), or they simply adopt the narc system of the silent treatment. You just cannot understand why they suddenly adopted different attitudes towards you and started behaving and feeling so different about you. I am always the same person; they do not allow me to meet with them or tell them anything or even ask them how they are doing or if they would like to have a coffee or lunch together. It is heartbreaking, I lost everything because I allowed myself to choose my own soul after 12 years of abuse, and then I was buried deep underground with “on a superficial level” no way of coming back to life from the 6 months narc who is still convinced that the mission in its mind has been accomplished and that I have been entirely eliminated from planet earth. In the beginning, the person tried in the true sense of the word to stop me from living on the planet, and thanks to my intelligence; it allowed me to see that just soon enough so that I could go ahead and save myself the very last second before the tragedy happened. The worst and most bizarre thing is that the 6th-month narc was sent by the 12-year narc; I know that is hard to believe, but it is true, And that is a novel in itself to be written.
“Discernment is a tool that helps us prevent those abusive experiences from happening again.” Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
"Discernment isn't cynicism." ❤️
Always practice the S.L.A.M. principle in discernment: Stop, Look, Assess and Manage.
Very well said Dr. RAMANI. I totally agree with you. Well whatever you said, 90 percent things resonated with me. I too have long list of useless narcissistic relationships. I just used to get high with idea of someone liking me or showing interest in me. Somewhere I had this voice inside me which said this isn't healthy. It's fine if someone's like you but that doesn't mean u need to go crazy abt them or put them on pedestal. Recently I had a short term interaction with a narcissistic man who is my neighbor. He was hitting on me for last couple months. But when I showed interest in him, he started passive aggressive , ignoring, game playing tactics with me. As soon as he started doing this, my intuition kicked in and I concluded he not normal. He has some sort of disorder. When I noticed his activites for couple days, i concluded he is a covert narcissist. He just has a mask of being a nice person on his face but underneath he is a monster. Now whenever he sees he has this rage and anger in his eyes for me for not chasing him and pleaseing him. Then I concluded I also have some sort of problem. That I get high when someone likes me and start building a relationship with them without actually knowing them which is totally wrong. Now I have taken a pledge to first understand a man who likes me, get to know him, spend time with him without being too affectionate, connected or entangled with him or falling for him. Because my emotions and time is very precious and I am not going to spend it on someone who is not worth it or a piece of shit. Love yourself ladies. These shitty, crappy men don't deserve you. Let them go.
Tricky knowing where and how to meet to safe people. I only would like to have more safe friends
This is tough...socially attractive people can hide deadly potential
Time really is the best way to identify and screen people. Thank you for impressing on us that its OK to take your own time as we see fit.
I’ve been binging Dr.Ramani’s videos and it makes me feel seen. I always wondered why I felt like I wasn’t enough or that my parents didn’t like me or I was a burden I just assumed it was because there was five children but there was always a mean and unforgiving edge to any interaction I had with my family…… after finding these videos I feel like there’s hope Healthy boundaries are one of my biggest problems I have a hard time saying no or communicating my needs but I’m gonna get it right 😊
What I realised is exactly what you are saying, I was so used being rushed into relationships by love bombing, that I had to intentionally slow myself down when I met my friend and yes we are still just friends but we are getting really close. I was almost uncomfortable going so slow but now, more than a year later, I absolutely see the value in taking the time to get to know someone well. So far, no Narc behaviour from him and I am relaxing more and more into this relationship as he respects my choices and values and is patiently waiting for me to be ready for the next level. I feel a bit like a teenager falling in love for the first time but the longer we are together the more I appreciate him and the value of being in a relationships with a normal, good man. It really is not easy getting used to this slowness, as previously I saw it as "boring" but I am re-inventing the way I look at relationships as I NEVER want to be in any kind or relationship with a NArc again
So happy for you. You give the rest of us hope.
@@pamelamccarthy1412 Thanks Pamela, it was a long, rocky road and I was about to give up on meeting anone normal and good, so yes, it is possible for anyone
@@Wildevis I hope and pray this continues to be safe. A loooong time ago I thought I found a great platonic church friend, until we did a course together (non-religious), whole other side which I'd have never seen had we not been in a different environment. Turns out he was telling church we were intimate, whilst emailing me after prayer meetings saying he respects my need to observe Holiness and being dedicated to God. Not been to church for a long time, many wolves in sheep's clothing. Test the spirits, not all are from God.
@@Wildevis wow... What is that like!
Have you seen no red flags!?! You've criticised any crazy driving and he didn't rage?
His moods are never sullen?
He has never devalued you or discarded you, he's never taken out his disgust about someone on you?
There are no egg shells to not crush..!?
27 yrs with one. It's so shallow as every word needs to be watched, every mood taken into account!
@@FaithfulandTrue949 Yes, discernment is the word for sure, so am praying this is just what it seems, nothing sinister
After a 10 year relationship with a covert narcissist, I garnered a determination to never let my boundaries be trampled again. I was willing to give chances but kicked several women to the curb the instant I saw an unmistakable red flag. Flags that I had ignored so many times before in my life.
Dating was more and more of a chore than a fulfilling experience. I’ve been single and dateless by choice for 8-9 years now and couldn’t be happier. I’ve even ended friendships for the same reason. I may die alone, but it is truly better to be alone than in bad company. It’s sad that our society has so many selfish, hypocritical, disrespectful, and exploitive people.
Wow Doctor, you really described something I didn’t think had a name, something that has dominated my thinking and actions as a result of narc abuse: the lack of discernment and the inability to employ it naturally.
Dr. Ramani, You are truly a blessing to my life💜Thanks to your advices I am starting to feel my freedom after 12 years of living with a Narcissist partner. Today, I am strongly thinking about my calm separation from this relationship, and All because of your messages and the reflections I have been putting myself into since your UA-cam channel came across my eyes. I am no longer available his abusive treatment. All the Toxic parent has brought me discernment to plan my walk-away from this relationship by when my two children turn 18 years of age, because I know that if I try to do it now, is gonna be Hell with this Toxic man I am with. …. So Thank You 🙏🏼So Much for you Dr. Ramani💜I love you and may God bless you with many more years of good life and health so that you continue to help and educate the world with this eye opening of whom are they being involved with in their lives. 💕💞💕Love & Peace from St. Petersburg, Florida 🌴
If you can, wait.
Just build your life around him.
He baits.. Say ' whatever' and walk away
He rages, just listen, don't argue back
He ghosts you, go out with girlfriends
He hoovers and love bombs, make the most of it. 😜
Repeat...
Same with me....thank you dr.Ramni...you helped me to be out of this abusive relationship to which I thought could never be out of it..I was stuck and trapped in this poisonous and toxic relationship along with my 7yrs child and finally in separation after almost 9yrs.atleast I saved my precious years yet to get spoiled.
@@nicolamills8003 good advice. All of your advice I can apply EXCEPT making the most out of the love bombs. That is so DIFFICULT for me. It is hard to accept the “love” knowing the rage will be around the corner 😔
@@proverbs3126 yeah, it is hard. Maybe just enjoy the calm then, before the storm.
And if he's wining and dining you... Order the steak and enjoy it!
But until u can get away, the cycles will come and just be prepared and know 'this too shall pass'
The bad, turns into something less bad.
Always bad though, just different degrees!
@@nicolamills8003 Thank you for the wisdom and encouragement. God bless you.
Sometimes I think that I have good instincts because I was able to keep my promise to myself to not marry anyone who was like my dad, and I'm repelled by people with his personality type. But I have extreme difficulty with making friends. I struggle with feeling unworthy of friendships among peers. I second guess another's motives for wanting to be my friend, and worry that if I say the wrong thing they will missjudge me and then reject me. I think this is because the main narcissistic abuse I endured was from a sibling, and my anxieties mirror the cycle of our relationship growing up. I can't seem to change my mindset in that category, so friendships for me are rare, and never close.
Enjoy your healthy activities. Don't focus so much on having friends, but have associates and connections. Be the best version of yourself and you'll attract like energy. Yes, be aware because other unwanted energies loves your best self.
I've come to the point that my fear of having to experience anything like that again, prevents me from even considering a relationship.
Yes. I would much rather be alone forever than be in an abusive relationship of any kind.
It's just been too much.
This Dr Ramani saved my life and that of my children! I am who I am today because of her! ❤️
I've realized that I clearly have some blind spots in romantic relationships that I need to figure out. Thank you for reminding me that's it's okay to be extra cautious and discerning.
After dating a knew narcissistic people, I learnt to value dating the old fashion way, no sex until you are sure you are not jumping into something you can’t get out of, easily.
Because sex complicate things and in-meshes your emotions into the mix. If they truly want to get to know you, they would respect your wishes and patience.
I mean isn’t that what dating someone is all about.!!!???
Thank you, Dr. Ramani for this great message! I was just thinking this morning that I have been abused by so many people, in different ways for SO LONG that nothing good could ever come to me (like a better job with a genuinely kind, caring boss). It just isn’t out there. It’s sad to think that I have grown to believe that abusive people are just the “norm” in life, but I know this isn’t true, & that I am deserving of far more better! 🙂
I also feel this way and am encouraged by this post 🤗
Thank you so much Dr Ramani. After realising the narcissistic system of my immediate and extended family, and realising that as a survivor I easily fell into similar situations with friendships and romantic relationships in my early adulthood, I began practicing discernment only recently. It continues to be difficult to tell myself to have personal respect and create distance from newcomers who exhibit narcissistic traits, as I find it unnatural to be guarded. This is interesting in itself as I know now that I was trained to let anyone into my life that showed any interest in me, for better and for worse, as my systematic devaluation made me desire any form of emotional attention. But I’m convinced now that discernment is worth it, and will save me from more narcissistic abuse in the future. It’s slowly getting better. I turned 30 today and I’m thrilled to be alive. All the best 🥰
Good for you! You're off to a good start. I wish I had this type of awareness when I was your age.
Thanks Dr. Ramani......you are a BIG HELP.....I actually left a support group out of self-protection....one member criticized me in a 19 paragraph text that reeked of narcissism......and I left.....right decision.....I am getting my confidence back.
Welldone
Very courageous, good for you 💪👍🙏😘
Toxic people are everywhere. I also left a self-help group because of some difficult people.
19 paragraph text means you are going to wind up in a "That Chapter" episode. Run. Fast.
Thank you, this is necessary. I do not trust anyone after what I have been through , it will take time, TIME, to accept anyone in my life. Discernment, Yes . And, YES, please Run Away because I don't want to go through the Abuse again in my life.
I have learned the hard way to be discerning. But at the end of it, I have set healthy boundaries even though it isn't liked by the narcissistic person. I feel good about doing that. I've learned to speak up, say no, or I need to think about it. I'm starting to feel OK about who I am. I really love your content 💕 please keep up all the hard work in this!!
Love your deep. That is selective, don't engage, don't explain, don't personalize. If we take it slow we will see the lovebombing and emotional dysregulation of these toxic people.
I’ve been single 17 months after a 16 year narcissist relationship. I’ve finally met someone who I think has the potential to be a great fit for me. Boundaries, emotional intimacy, self awareness, and lots of common interests are all essential. Thank you for discussing this, saying I’m discerning is far more accurate and less judge mental than picky
This is all so very true. Discernment is caution, not being overtly judgemental but yes testing the situation and the person, the family this person navigates in. It's not only one to one. It's a huge risk of reentering another narcissistic nightmare. How they act. What they say, why they act such and such a way. Be concerned about games. Emotional outbursts with no just cause. There is no right reason to enter another bad situation. Communication is everything. If he or she has no ability to communicate, to listen, to share interiorly ( great test ) walk away.
I have been told I am so pessimistic about love and relationship since leaving my abuser, these days the only trait am looking for in a romantic partner is compassion if all the conversations I have earlier on doesn’t show that am out of there.
Thanks Doctor Ramani. This is exactly what I needed right now in dealing with an invitation from a new friend. It is good to be reminded by you and to remind myself that I'm allowed to choose to say no or to slow things down and if that other person loses interest if I set a boundary, then I'm probably better off without them anyway. Thanks again.
I have developed what I consider to be social anxiety at a fairly significant level. Basically, I am so stressed out when I go out that I need to remind myself to breath. And if someone I knew years ago sees me then they should say something to me because I am so stressed out going outside that it would best be described as tunnel vision, things around me are a blur. I have also moved hundreds of miles from where I used to live, so additionally I have no expectation of seeing someone I knew before due to the move.
Those are PTSD symptoms.
I agree with everything you said dr Ramani ❤ it feels so good to be able to slow down, discern who we are dealing with, listen to our gut and act accordingly. Walk away from narcisistic abusive people.
Having narc family is the hardest life challenge
I like that: go at half speed in relationships. Take twice the time for discernment. Being a survivor IS hard work. But worth it.