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Your eldest is on to something there!! I understand why they have to have it in place, but context of situations really needs to be taken into account, no one should be punished for defending themselves.
Wow, no self-defense?? They'd better be offering an effective alternative, then. If they actually put some serious thought and planning into how they do want kids to behave, there is so much potential there to teach self-regulation, self-advocacy, empathy, and emotional intelligence. But before any of those, schools need to ensure that kids are guaranteed a sense of safety. Children need assurance that at least one skilled adult will run interference if necessary, and help support them without judgment if they start out reluctant or too timid to do what they're being asked to do. Some families of origin aren't conducive to fostering self-confidence and assertiveness skills necessary even for NT, much less ND individuals. We really need to be teaching strong healthy boundaries, as well as empathy, to all children. I imagine that we haven't historically done this because the power structure prefers people conditioned to submit to authority without question. ~ basing this on what I remember from being a child with a higher ACEs score, and being undiagnosed autistic as well as ADHD. I'm 61 now, and to my disappointment, there are bullies to be found at every age. Schools do a great disservice to children when they don't teach them effective ways to handle obnoxious people that we inevitably will cross paths with throughout life.
You're spot on about how routine and unmemorable these actions are to the bullies who commit them. Actions that they have long forgotten have a huge impact on those on the receiving end - often a lifelong impact. At best these people might just offer a casual "sorry" years later and think that somehow puts everything right. I'd like to think that someone who has inflicted serious harm and in some cases made another person's life a misery would feel really guilty and troubled for years after but it rarely seems to be the case. Some bullies and other wrong-doers never even say sorry and just insist they did nothing wrong or even try to accuse the victim of making things up and persecuting them. It often seems the greater the abuse the less likely the offender is to ever admit it and the more they try to turn the tables and portray themselves as "the victim".
There’s an interview with Christopher Eccleston in which he admits to having been quite a bully in school, which as a huge fan I expected to be very disappointed over, but he got quite emotional and clearly remembered it and felt so much guilt and remorse. It’s a difficult thing to watch, but it sort of brings me a distanced comfort that they know what they did, it just takes a real strength to be able to admit it and feel the guilt that comes with remembering it all. Christopher Eccleston has also mentioned in other interviews that he suspects he may be autistic, and I think that plays into his reaction and memory to it in someway. I’m not entirely sure how on topic this reply is, but it’s what your comment brought to my mind!
@@DanaAndersen While many people say they were bullied at school or elsewhere it's very rare for someone to "out" themselves as a bully. It's a hard thing for anyone to admit and anyone who does so deserves at least some credit. The same is true for all kinds of abuse - the offenders rarely admit to it. Sometimes they seem to do but only when they've been caught and maybe think it might get them lesser punishment / disapproval. On other occasions their "apology" is clearly insincere and full of excuses and attempts to shift the blame. I give far more respect to someone who admits to wrongdoing - especially seriously wrongdoing - without being forced to do it and then makes serious efforts to put things right and show they've learned from their behaviour.
I didn’t start getting bullied until the 5th grade when people start getting cliquey. I was too awkward to fit into any of the cliques, and I didn’t understand their purpose. One girl made my life absolutely miserable until the 9th grade when I began homeschooling. I ran into the girl a couple of years ago, and she didn’t even remember me. It was amazing how someone who had such an impact on how I see myself to this day didn’t waste a second thought on me.
It’s just incredible isn’t it?! I had a few times I was unnecessarily mean to people in highschool, and I remember them all and feel terrible about them, and that was only even one time comments or jokes, I can’t imagine actively bullying someone and not only feeling fine about it, but not even REMEMBERING? I’m sorry you went through that, and I hope the impact she had lessens as much as it can 💕
Wow, this sounds so familiar. I had the same kind of epiphany, that allistic people just have this kind of uncanny valley experience with us. Helped me so much to kind of forgive my younger self for not being more likeable. Teachers at my school were just totally out of their depths when it came to dealing with the amount of and the severity of bullying I was subjected to. I was always told not to rise to the taunts, keep my temper and shrug it off. Fat load of help that was trying to control autistic meltdowns. It was always somehow my fault when I just completely lost it and either imploded and hid in the toilets or in the cellar, or exploded and tried to smack the hell out of them. I also started doing Judo at the age of six, so by the time I was a teenager, if someone started a fight, they had to be prepared to at least receiving as much as they were dishing out. My idea was that I'd be better at standing up for myself. All it actually did was that to the teachers, now I was the aggressive kid who abused his martial arts training to hurt others. When I moved on to college, there were attempts to bully me as well, but compared to what I've had to deal with in the past, that was all tame. I've seen and heard it before. I had all the comebacks ready. I'll never forget that moment when that one dude tried to make some jokes at my expense, telling everybody how "gay" I was. I just started to hit on him so hard, it was so cringe that everybody just started laughing their heads off, even his friends. Never spoke a word to me again. There was that other time when someone tried to make fun of me, because I ran a round in a long black leather cloak, big leather boots, pentacle rings and amulets... very gothy type of outfit (admittedly, I looked like an overgrown bat). So I took off one of my necklaces, held it out in front of me, screwed up my face and started chanting Latin sounding none-sense. Basically turned the weirdness up to 11. Not sure whether she was genuinely terrified of me because she actually believed I worshipped Satan, or whether she was just so weirded out she wouldn't want to be near me. Doesn't matter, she left me alone and me and my friends had a real good laugh.
The bullies at my Christian schooling gave up pretty quick trying to directly bully me because I’d just stare at them or question how their weird comments made any sort of sense
One time my dad told my sister and I a story about when he dragged a boy across the football field by his hair in high school because he got to have long hair which was against the dress code because he was in a rock n roll band. He and my sister laughed and I just froze imagining this event and seeing the kids face and feeling his humiliation and pain…I hate most of the things “they” call normal or socially acceptable. Appreciate things like laws against public nakedness and such but yeah haha My sister and mom and dad used to always call me and look at me like a freak if they weren’t literally ignoring me for days or months or weeks at a time. I never received any positive attention no matter how hard I tried being “normal”
That's so relatable! Year after year getting speeches from teachers and admins about how bullying should be reported to teachers so they could stop it, only to find out that they would never actually do anything other than make flowery speeches about it. Yet somehow defending myself or fighting back always resulted in me alone getting in trouble. I thought it was just a glitch from being in a sheltered liberal school district at a time when adults just wanted to "pretend away" nasty human behavior instead of confronting it. I never expected others to have that same experience.
I think you’ve nailed it with adults wanting to pretend away anything unpleasant they may have to deal with, and having gone to school in 3 different countries, I think it’s a pretty wide problem! I’m sorry you had to deal with such a similar situation, but at least we weren’t alone in it after all!
When I think about my childhood, it’s like I’m watching from the outside. That child, the things she said and did are so far removed from everything I am and think now. I don’t understand where the split happened- one day there was this careless, rude, inconsiderate feral child who got bullied by kids and teachers alike, and then my consciousness awakens the other day and I’m the young version of my current self. It actually has nothing to do with this video, don’t know why it came up😂
I went to 7 schools between daycare and graduation and I never understood why i would get bullied, and worse yet the teachers treated me like i was not right, they would side with kids and then my third grade teacher lost her job because she very forcefully escorted me to the office, leaving bruises on the back of my neck. I had a crap time and the only time i ever retaliate was once in 3rd grade, a girl mentioned i was stupid for sneaking my kitties with me in my backpack and i slapped her across the face and then in 7th or 8th, i had two boys messing with me and spitting on me and so when i got off the bus, i swung my trombone case and landed a hit on one. It was rough for sure and i wish i didn't hit the point to hurting another person but i never got along with other kids long before i was told i was contagious, "it" or just pushed around.
As a teacher, it's not that we don't care. Teachers are very aware of what's happening inside the classroom but have limited knowledge of what is happening outside the classroom. Particularly outside the school. When it comes to investigating bullying this makes it very difficult for teachers to deal with. As a teacher you want to act on everything yourself but when you do get involved you find your powers quite limited. Oftentimes you find issues that aren't actually bullying issues, and those are easy to deal with, but in other occasions you discover children have home issues (that comes up an alarming amount). And sometimes it's just that some people are assholes to the other kids. When it comes to dealing with kids who have issues at home that's impossible for classroom teachers to deal with and usually schools won't even let them attempt it (mainly to safeguard the teacher from any nefarious accusations the parents of those children might make), and when it comes to the kids who are being assholes they are also very hard to deal with because most deterrents don't work. as a classroom teacher I report every child protection issue that comes to me. It gets referred to guidance teachers and year heads. All teachers should do this, it's a legal and an ethical requirement. But to preserve privacy and stop someone accidentally making the situation worse teachers never get told the outcome of whatever we report. So for the most part most of your teachers likely didn't know it was a bullying issue. It's a very difficult issue and schools aren't good at dealing with it. I actually had to deal with one on Friday where a group of boys were picking on a girl. It's been going on for over a month and initially I thought the girl was triggering it, but I've now realised that she was being defensive. My realisation came not from a classroom incident, but because I happened to see them in a supermarket after school one day and saw how they interacted in that setting. I've dealt with it and we'll see if my conversation with the boys is enough to deter them. But it is hard. You are monitoring 20-30 people that you only really see for an hour or two a week.
You sound like a really great teacher with lots of empathy and compassion for your students, and I’m glad you’ve had experiences that lead you to think teachers all care, but my experience is that some are absolutely just there for the pay check and couldn’t care less what happens to kids under their care, though I would absolutely state them to be a minority. How to tackle bullying is a difficult one, and the many techniques used around me as a kid did nothing to help me, but I also don’t know what the solution is and appreciate that those who are having to directly tackle it now (like teachers!) are mostly trying their best and do care!
as my favorite youtuber said something like this: if someone in your school or workplace or where ever makes fun of you and calls you weird and such, that's just baby-karen(or baby-maren, male-karen)
What's weird for me is how similar everybody's experience with this sort of thing really is. Like it's pretty much ver batum at this point. Living in england "banter" is very much a part of life. Especially on construction sites. But for me the most common bullying I have experienced is when people are taking the piss (necessary for good English banter for anyone not native) but it starts to get into sensitive or unwelcome territory. The problem is though that I don't get offended by anything. So it can take a long time to realise they are being malicious and by then it's just awkward when you need to start being aware of these interactions and then on guard for them instead of just enjoying yourself. It's sad that I have had to learn how to be offended as a means of protecting myself from attack. The best advice I can give to others based on my own experience is to keep your guard up and figure somebody out before you are open and honest with them- keep close watch on whether their "mask" slips slightly when they think nobody is looking or when they are experiencing pressure- that's normally a bad sign. Best of luck all. Here (to an extent) if yous need me.
Thanks for this Dana. I've had this problem all my (rather long) life, mainly because of my epilepsy, and my autistic honesty. I NEVER got that you're supposed to be a prick. Love your honesty to bits.
Thank YOU Peter, it’s so validating to know it’s not just me! That pesky autistic honesty has gotten me into all sorts of trouble, but I truly think we’re better off with it!
Hey hope your well. As a child It took me quite a while to realise that I was being 'picked on' and I was defo the scapegoat for most things! The big fall out was when my mum got the bathroom redecorated, the problem being that it was the same colour scheme my friends mother had her bathroom done several weeks earlier! (My mum didn't even know about my mates new bathroom). Yes I got blamed for this and they all gathered to bully me but I didn't say anything and walked away and made new friends (I think my blank expression and me walking away confused them as I think they wanted me to fight). I had to get the bus to school for many years with several of the old friends which was no fun. At one point at the bus stop I got so angry that I full force pushed one of them flying off the ballard he was sitting on and into the busy road (ADHD impulsiveness). The group were so shocked and upset about the danger I had put him in (I was still burning inside with rage!). I still had to get the bus with them for years!! Joy! I became a people pleaser which has left me vulnerable to be taken advantage of so I have recently sifted through 'friends' and discovered that I don't have any as they fit into the acquaintance category. I'm back to being quite isolated in my house constantly, in bed to feel safe. It hurts because I'm slow at recognising when people are being nasty etc and I hate Rejection sensitivity dysphoria as it plagues me before I go out, while I'm out and for the rest of my life afterwards, Even while dreaming. I struggle not to try and escape my negative thoughts and assumptions on a daily basis (devils lettuce currently but would try anything when desperate). I've had too much caffeine today so sorry for rambling!! Take care x
I’m always more than happy to read your ‘rambles’! Though personally I’d call them interesting and relatable comments 😉 The first friendship group of my adulthood turned really nasty and a whole thing happened that lead to me being kicked out of the group, and following that I had a good 3-4 years of not reaching out to anyone, barely leaving the house, very similar to your situation, and even though now I am reaching out to people and making friends, I’m constantly on high alert because I don’t know when I’m doing to suddenly realise they’re actually being mean or otherwise not acting like friends, despite them having currently been nothing but lovely, kind and welcoming of me. Its incredibly difficult, I’m sorry you had those types of experiences and definitely didn’t deserve it, I hope you’re able to find the people who treat you as you deserve when you’re ready to 💕
@Dana Andersen Thanks, im quite 'paranoid' about rambling (I guess with my low self-esteem etc) I usually think I have nothing worth saying as I'm usually ignored, even with my family. I'm starting to try new ways of meeting people. The first attempt was trying out an ASD group, but it took me ages to get there due to being ill with anxiety. When I got there I enjoyed it but was so anxious and was left afterwards with the RSD thoughts. With my ADHD I can be very loud and rambly however it annoys the ASD side of me (like I'm in conflict). As a result of this I feel like the group may have felt I was too much and therefore would not tolerate me for long as none of them have ADHD?! I'm too scared to go back! Anyway I've been sitting watching the snow but need to get up. Take care x
P.S. Watched a video that opened my eyes to how I experienced childhood etc. It's interesting but long and I cried with realisation. It's UA-cam channel ADDitude Magazine, video called ADHD and Autism in children and adults: The Missed Diagnosis with Thomas E. Brown, Ph.D. Take care x
LOL “…but I’ve got someone jumping onto my back.” Who cares if we’re tall enough or whatever to “handle that,” that child was not respecting your personal space. How can people be SO oblivious to poor boundaries??? (I’m laughing at the neurotypicals and how much I’m relating to you, NOT you).
Sorry to hear about your shitty experiences. We certainly are more vulnerable to bullying, it’s harder than normal neurotypical behaviour to navigate, like you say it’s hard to imagine making someone else feel miserable. Primary school was fine for me, middle school my long term best friend ditched me and I found myself mostly alone. I switched middle schools and my first best friend was my bully,she would threaten with her fist to hit me but I don’t think she ever did. Then my next best friend made life shit for two years (she once tried to set my hair on fire, she let her dog chew my trainers while my feet were in them, she made me do her paper round while she ate sweets watching, if I got new clothes or footwear we had to switch during the day, she copied my schoolwork and made me do something wrong so would get a better score, I had to run behind her in the cross country, she would spend my lunch money at the tuck shop, etc, etc, fucking shit, and I couldn’t tell a soul), I was picked on in high school but nothing major apart from one guy who liked to fuck with my head when I was struggling mentally. Picked on or not accepted in most of my jobs, or people underestimate me and think they can talk down to me or take the piss to my face, and I let them all get away with it, 25 jobs later… Haven’t worked for six years but when I do work again I hope to god I’ve enough strength to take no fucking shit, trying to fit in has never helped me so I will just stay in my bubble
It’s starting to hit me in a certain way that so many of us have had friends and even best friends that….didn’t actually at all treat us as friends 😅 As for fitting in, fuck it. The more I’ve unmasked and learnt to be myself, the more I’ve found people that actually seem to like me, and the more I get to know people and see that we’re all a bit weird, the more I like them!
Yes! I am caring less now but I do tend to retreat to my bubble to prevent friendships developing so then they can't fall apart either, so there are people I get on with but I remain mysterious 😂 I like your way better
Bullying sucks. Fortunately for me my experiences were milder than a lot of people's, but i still think about them sometimes. I wish our schools did a better job of stopping it- really just expel the perpetrators
10:50 That sounds like xenophobia? I get worrying that to call your Danish peers’ bullying “racist” would be misleading since you and they were both white, but the broader term “xenophobic” would be accurate I think. Either way, I’m sorry it happened to you
I hate school’s „no self defense policy”
My eldest referred to it as a "bullying policy" - as in, as opposed to an "anti-bullying policy".
Your eldest is on to something there!! I understand why they have to have it in place, but context of situations really needs to be taken into account, no one should be punished for defending themselves.
Wow, no self-defense?? They'd better be offering an effective alternative, then. If they actually put some serious thought and planning into how they do want kids to behave, there is so much potential there to teach self-regulation, self-advocacy, empathy, and emotional intelligence.
But before any of those, schools need to ensure that kids are guaranteed a sense of safety. Children need assurance that at least one skilled adult will run interference if necessary, and help support them without judgment if they start out reluctant or too timid to do what they're being asked to do. Some families of origin aren't conducive to fostering self-confidence and assertiveness skills necessary even for NT, much less ND individuals.
We really need to be teaching strong healthy boundaries, as well as empathy, to all children. I imagine that we haven't historically done this because the power structure prefers people conditioned to submit to authority without question.
~ basing this on what I remember from being a child with a higher ACEs score, and being undiagnosed autistic as well as ADHD. I'm 61 now, and to my disappointment, there are bullies to be found at every age. Schools do a great disservice to children when they don't teach them effective ways to handle obnoxious people that we inevitably will cross paths with throughout life.
I'm autistic and have and am being bullied several times. I don't like conflict and try to avoid it like the plague.
You're spot on about how routine and unmemorable these actions are to the bullies who commit them. Actions that they have long forgotten have a huge impact on those on the receiving end - often a lifelong impact. At best these people might just offer a casual "sorry" years later and think that somehow puts everything right. I'd like to think that someone who has inflicted serious harm and in some cases made another person's life a misery would feel really guilty and troubled for years after but it rarely seems to be the case. Some bullies and other wrong-doers never even say sorry and just insist they did nothing wrong or even try to accuse the victim of making things up and persecuting them. It often seems the greater the abuse the less likely the offender is to ever admit it and the more they try to turn the tables and portray themselves as "the victim".
There’s an interview with Christopher Eccleston in which he admits to having been quite a bully in school, which as a huge fan I expected to be very disappointed over, but he got quite emotional and clearly remembered it and felt so much guilt and remorse. It’s a difficult thing to watch, but it sort of brings me a distanced comfort that they know what they did, it just takes a real strength to be able to admit it and feel the guilt that comes with remembering it all.
Christopher Eccleston has also mentioned in other interviews that he suspects he may be autistic, and I think that plays into his reaction and memory to it in someway. I’m not entirely sure how on topic this reply is, but it’s what your comment brought to my mind!
@@DanaAndersen While many people say they were bullied at school or elsewhere it's very rare for someone to "out" themselves as a bully. It's a hard thing for anyone to admit and anyone who does so deserves at least some credit. The same is true for all kinds of abuse - the offenders rarely admit to it. Sometimes they seem to do but only when they've been caught and maybe think it might get them lesser punishment / disapproval. On other occasions their "apology" is clearly insincere and full of excuses and attempts to shift the blame. I give far more respect to someone who admits to wrongdoing - especially seriously wrongdoing - without being forced to do it and then makes serious efforts to put things right and show they've learned from their behaviour.
I didn’t start getting bullied until the 5th grade when people start getting cliquey. I was too awkward to fit into any of the cliques, and I didn’t understand their purpose. One girl made my life absolutely miserable until the 9th grade when I began homeschooling. I ran into the girl a couple of years ago, and she didn’t even remember me. It was amazing how someone who had such an impact on how I see myself to this day didn’t waste a second thought on me.
It’s just incredible isn’t it?! I had a few times I was unnecessarily mean to people in highschool, and I remember them all and feel terrible about them, and that was only even one time comments or jokes, I can’t imagine actively bullying someone and not only feeling fine about it, but not even REMEMBERING?
I’m sorry you went through that, and I hope the impact she had lessens as much as it can 💕
That’s why you have to beat their ass. I did that with my bully and he never bothered me again
Wow yeah 5th grade was rough for me too, that's when I found myself with 0 friends and it was not okay
I remember getting annihilated online before Facebook. It was next level.
Wow, this sounds so familiar. I had the same kind of epiphany, that allistic people just have this kind of uncanny valley experience with us. Helped me so much to kind of forgive my younger self for not being more likeable. Teachers at my school were just totally out of their depths when it came to dealing with the amount of and the severity of bullying I was subjected to. I was always told not to rise to the taunts, keep my temper and shrug it off. Fat load of help that was trying to control autistic meltdowns. It was always somehow my fault when I just completely lost it and either imploded and hid in the toilets or in the cellar, or exploded and tried to smack the hell out of them. I also started doing Judo at the age of six, so by the time I was a teenager, if someone started a fight, they had to be prepared to at least receiving as much as they were dishing out. My idea was that I'd be better at standing up for myself. All it actually did was that to the teachers, now I was the aggressive kid who abused his martial arts training to hurt others.
When I moved on to college, there were attempts to bully me as well, but compared to what I've had to deal with in the past, that was all tame. I've seen and heard it before. I had all the comebacks ready. I'll never forget that moment when that one dude tried to make some jokes at my expense, telling everybody how "gay" I was. I just started to hit on him so hard, it was so cringe that everybody just started laughing their heads off, even his friends. Never spoke a word to me again. There was that other time when someone tried to make fun of me, because I ran a round in a long black leather cloak, big leather boots, pentacle rings and amulets... very gothy type of outfit (admittedly, I looked like an overgrown bat). So I took off one of my necklaces, held it out in front of me, screwed up my face and started chanting Latin sounding none-sense. Basically turned the weirdness up to 11. Not sure whether she was genuinely terrified of me because she actually believed I worshipped Satan, or whether she was just so weirded out she wouldn't want to be near me. Doesn't matter, she left me alone and me and my friends had a real good laugh.
The bullies at my Christian schooling gave up pretty quick trying to directly bully me because I’d just stare at them or question how their weird comments made any sort of sense
One time my dad told my sister and I a story about when he dragged a boy across the football field by his hair in high school because he got to have long hair which was against the dress code because he was in a rock n roll band. He and my sister laughed and I just froze imagining this event and seeing the kids face and feeling his humiliation and pain…I hate most of the things “they” call normal or socially acceptable. Appreciate things like laws against public nakedness and such but yeah haha My sister and mom and dad used to always call me and look at me like a freak if they weren’t literally ignoring me for days or months or weeks at a time. I never received any positive attention no matter how hard I tried being “normal”
That's so relatable! Year after year getting speeches from teachers and admins about how bullying should be reported to teachers so they could stop it, only to find out that they would never actually do anything other than make flowery speeches about it. Yet somehow defending myself or fighting back always resulted in me alone getting in trouble. I thought it was just a glitch from being in a sheltered liberal school district at a time when adults just wanted to "pretend away" nasty human behavior instead of confronting it. I never expected others to have that same experience.
I think you’ve nailed it with adults wanting to pretend away anything unpleasant they may have to deal with, and having gone to school in 3 different countries, I think it’s a pretty wide problem! I’m sorry you had to deal with such a similar situation, but at least we weren’t alone in it after all!
When I think about my childhood, it’s like I’m watching from the outside. That child, the things she said and did are so far removed from everything I am and think now. I don’t understand where the split happened- one day there was this careless, rude, inconsiderate feral child who got bullied by kids and teachers alike, and then my consciousness awakens the other day and I’m the young version of my current self.
It actually has nothing to do with this video, don’t know why it came up😂
I was bullied too, but not the perfect victim to never did anything either. I could be bitchy to people who were mean to me. :)
I went to 7 schools between daycare and graduation and I never understood why i would get bullied, and worse yet the teachers treated me like i was not right, they would side with kids and then my third grade teacher lost her job because she very forcefully escorted me to the office, leaving bruises on the back of my neck. I had a crap time and the only time i ever retaliate was once in 3rd grade, a girl mentioned i was stupid for sneaking my kitties with me in my backpack and i slapped her across the face and then in 7th or 8th, i had two boys messing with me and spitting on me and so when i got off the bus, i swung my trombone case and landed a hit on one. It was rough for sure and i wish i didn't hit the point to hurting another person but i never got along with other kids long before i was told i was contagious, "it" or just pushed around.
As a teacher, it's not that we don't care. Teachers are very aware of what's happening inside the classroom but have limited knowledge of what is happening outside the classroom. Particularly outside the school. When it comes to investigating bullying this makes it very difficult for teachers to deal with. As a teacher you want to act on everything yourself but when you do get involved you find your powers quite limited. Oftentimes you find issues that aren't actually bullying issues, and those are easy to deal with, but in other occasions you discover children have home issues (that comes up an alarming amount). And sometimes it's just that some people are assholes to the other kids. When it comes to dealing with kids who have issues at home that's impossible for classroom teachers to deal with and usually schools won't even let them attempt it (mainly to safeguard the teacher from any nefarious accusations the parents of those children might make), and when it comes to the kids who are being assholes they are also very hard to deal with because most deterrents don't work. as a classroom teacher I report every child protection issue that comes to me. It gets referred to guidance teachers and year heads. All teachers should do this, it's a legal and an ethical requirement. But to preserve privacy and stop someone accidentally making the situation worse teachers never get told the outcome of whatever we report. So for the most part most of your teachers likely didn't know it was a bullying issue. It's a very difficult issue and schools aren't good at dealing with it.
I actually had to deal with one on Friday where a group of boys were picking on a girl. It's been going on for over a month and initially I thought the girl was triggering it, but I've now realised that she was being defensive. My realisation came not from a classroom incident, but because I happened to see them in a supermarket after school one day and saw how they interacted in that setting. I've dealt with it and we'll see if my conversation with the boys is enough to deter them. But it is hard. You are monitoring 20-30 people that you only really see for an hour or two a week.
You sound like a really great teacher with lots of empathy and compassion for your students, and I’m glad you’ve had experiences that lead you to think teachers all care, but my experience is that some are absolutely just there for the pay check and couldn’t care less what happens to kids under their care, though I would absolutely state them to be a minority.
How to tackle bullying is a difficult one, and the many techniques used around me as a kid did nothing to help me, but I also don’t know what the solution is and appreciate that those who are having to directly tackle it now (like teachers!) are mostly trying their best and do care!
as my favorite youtuber said something like this: if someone in your school or workplace or where ever makes fun of you and calls you weird and such, that's just baby-karen(or baby-maren, male-karen)
I feel like we need to start calling the male Karen’s Steve’s 😂 Like idk it just fits for me
@@DanaAndersen or kevin😂
@@DanaAndersen I use Kevin, Daren or Darren for male Karen's.
Harrowing and relatable. ✌️💕
What's weird for me is how similar everybody's experience with this sort of thing really is. Like it's pretty much ver batum at this point.
Living in england "banter" is very much a part of life. Especially on construction sites.
But for me the most common bullying I have experienced is when people are taking the piss (necessary for good English banter for anyone not native) but it starts to get into sensitive or unwelcome territory.
The problem is though that I don't get offended by anything. So it can take a long time to realise they are being malicious and by then it's just awkward when you need to start being aware of these interactions and then on guard for them instead of just enjoying yourself.
It's sad that I have had to learn how to be offended as a means of protecting myself from attack.
The best advice I can give to others based on my own experience is to keep your guard up and figure somebody out before you are open and honest with them- keep close watch on whether their "mask" slips slightly when they think nobody is looking or when they are experiencing pressure- that's normally a bad sign.
Best of luck all.
Here (to an extent) if yous need me.
Thanks for this Dana. I've had this problem all my (rather long) life, mainly because of my epilepsy, and my autistic honesty. I NEVER got that you're supposed to be a prick. Love your honesty to bits.
Thank YOU Peter, it’s so validating to know it’s not just me! That pesky autistic honesty has gotten me into all sorts of trouble, but I truly think we’re better off with it!
Hey hope your well. As a child It took me quite a while to realise that I was being 'picked on' and I was defo the scapegoat for most things! The big fall out was when my mum got the bathroom redecorated, the problem being that it was the same colour scheme my friends mother had her bathroom done several weeks earlier! (My mum didn't even know about my mates new bathroom). Yes I got blamed for this and they all gathered to bully me but I didn't say anything and walked away and made new friends (I think my blank expression and me walking away confused them as I think they wanted me to fight). I had to get the bus to school for many years with several of the old friends which was no fun. At one point at the bus stop I got so angry that I full force pushed one of them flying off the ballard he was sitting on and into the busy road (ADHD impulsiveness). The group were so shocked and upset about the danger I had put him in (I was still burning inside with rage!). I still had to get the bus with them for years!! Joy! I became a people pleaser which has left me vulnerable to be taken advantage of so I have recently sifted through 'friends' and discovered that I don't have any as they fit into the acquaintance category. I'm back to being quite isolated in my house constantly, in bed to feel safe. It hurts because I'm slow at recognising when people are being nasty etc and I hate Rejection sensitivity dysphoria as it plagues me before I go out, while I'm out and for the rest of my life afterwards, Even while dreaming. I struggle not to try and escape my negative thoughts and assumptions on a daily basis (devils lettuce currently but would try anything when desperate). I've had too much caffeine today so sorry for rambling!! Take care x
Oops I totally rambled in the last post! Just saw the length of it!! Sorry x
I’m always more than happy to read your ‘rambles’! Though personally I’d call them interesting and relatable comments 😉 The first friendship group of my adulthood turned really nasty and a whole thing happened that lead to me being kicked out of the group, and following that I had a good 3-4 years of not reaching out to anyone, barely leaving the house, very similar to your situation, and even though now I am reaching out to people and making friends, I’m constantly on high alert because I don’t know when I’m doing to suddenly realise they’re actually being mean or otherwise not acting like friends, despite them having currently been nothing but lovely, kind and welcoming of me.
Its incredibly difficult, I’m sorry you had those types of experiences and definitely didn’t deserve it, I hope you’re able to find the people who treat you as you deserve when you’re ready to 💕
(And please never stop ‘rambling’, I love reading your comments!!)
@Dana Andersen Thanks, im quite 'paranoid' about rambling (I guess with my low self-esteem etc) I usually think I have nothing worth saying as I'm usually ignored, even with my family. I'm starting to try new ways of meeting people. The first attempt was trying out an ASD group, but it took me ages to get there due to being ill with anxiety. When I got there I enjoyed it but was so anxious and was left afterwards with the RSD thoughts. With my ADHD I can be very loud and rambly however it annoys the ASD side of me (like I'm in conflict). As a result of this I feel like the group may have felt I was too much and therefore would not tolerate me for long as none of them have ADHD?! I'm too scared to go back! Anyway I've been sitting watching the snow but need to get up. Take care x
P.S. Watched a video that opened my eyes to how I experienced childhood etc. It's interesting but long and I cried with realisation. It's UA-cam channel ADDitude Magazine, video called ADHD and Autism in children and adults: The Missed Diagnosis with Thomas E. Brown, Ph.D. Take care x
LOL “…but I’ve got someone jumping onto my back.” Who cares if we’re tall enough or whatever to “handle that,” that child was not respecting your personal space. How can people be SO oblivious to poor boundaries???
(I’m laughing at the neurotypicals and how much I’m relating to you, NOT you).
Sorry to hear about your shitty experiences. We certainly are more vulnerable to bullying, it’s harder than normal neurotypical behaviour to navigate, like you say it’s hard to imagine making someone else feel miserable. Primary school was fine for me, middle school my long term best friend ditched me and I found myself mostly alone. I switched middle schools and my first best friend was my bully,she would threaten with her fist to hit me but I don’t think she ever did. Then my next best friend made life shit for two years (she once tried to set my hair on fire, she let her dog chew my trainers while my feet were in them, she made me do her paper round while she ate sweets watching, if I got new clothes or footwear we had to switch during the day, she copied my schoolwork and made me do something wrong so would get a better score, I had to run behind her in the cross country, she would spend my lunch money at the tuck shop, etc, etc, fucking shit, and I couldn’t tell a soul), I was picked on in high school but nothing major apart from one guy who liked to fuck with my head when I was struggling mentally. Picked on or not accepted in most of my jobs, or people underestimate me and think they can talk down to me or take the piss to my face, and I let them all get away with it, 25 jobs later… Haven’t worked for six years but when I do work again I hope to god I’ve enough strength to take no fucking shit, trying to fit in has never helped me so I will just stay in my bubble
It’s starting to hit me in a certain way that so many of us have had friends and even best friends that….didn’t actually at all treat us as friends 😅
As for fitting in, fuck it. The more I’ve unmasked and learnt to be myself, the more I’ve found people that actually seem to like me, and the more I get to know people and see that we’re all a bit weird, the more I like them!
Yes! I am caring less now but I do tend to retreat to my bubble to prevent friendships developing so then they can't fall apart either, so there are people I get on with but I remain mysterious 😂 I like your way better
Bullying sucks. Fortunately for me my experiences were milder than a lot of people's, but i still think about them sometimes. I wish our schools did a better job of stopping it- really just expel the perpetrators
You're great Dana! Love your accent and your channel 😊
Wow my headphones are amazing. I thought someone at my house is cutting wood.
💖
10:50 That sounds like xenophobia? I get worrying that to call your Danish peers’ bullying “racist” would be misleading since you and they were both white, but the broader term “xenophobic” would be accurate I think. Either way, I’m sorry it happened to you
How are you?
Sigh. I was looking for tips on how to bully others, not how to deal with being bullied.