“We can’t say anything without you getting upset” “you never used to be like this” “I’m sorry I was such a horrible parent” is all I hear from my mom. I’m over it
Omgeeee I thought it was just me!!! I HATE being told “can’t say anything to you without you being upset” like God is it me????? I don’t think I’m that way…. Not everyone says these things to me and people are not always “telling me things I want to hear” … it’s crazy smh I hope this cycle stops!
One strategy I use is to backup and look at it like I was watching it on a tv show, or even from outer space. That perspective helps me to understand what’s going on, maybe see the humour in it instead of getting drawn into unhelpful and unhealthy coping skills.
I literally do this. I look at it like the Truman show and God and His angels are seeing this, so I KNOW He didn't rescue me from a family of sharks in this deep ocean of family dysfunction just to let my mom drown me in the bathtub as an adult. I detach from it and think of it as the next level of the game in this simulation and I just have to consult with the Creator of the game for clues how to beat it. 👾
My therapist actually told me to do this, and it honestly helped me so much because I didn't feel so emotionally invested in taking care of them, especially my alcoholic father.
Something that's been helpful for me to realize is that a big 'why' for a lot of emotionally immature parents bad behavior is the avoidance of feeling shame. As in; why did they get mad at you when you acted scared when they told you that you had to start a new school tomorrow? Because you being scared and upset activates their guilt and shame and they can't deal with that, so instead they act like "how dare you be upset about this!?" etc. It's not that it makes it okay, but it just helps explain a lot of perplexing behavior.
This is probably a factor why so many East Asian families are dysfunctional: "saving face" is a core part of their cultures, and many parents grow up having to repress their emotions to avoid losing face in front of their elders and society, then they pass down the same attitude to their children in turn
Thank you. My mother was clearly shamed as a child for making mistakes. So she feels the same kind of agitation now in seeing someone being upset, cause it triggers the memory of.. "and next comes the shaming and the consequences of being left alone etc". My grandparents were not nice people! She deals with this by openly dismissing, denying and ignoring any kind of negativity. She shuts down every normal argument or difficult conversation or she shuts down inside. Being backed down in a corner, she will collapse and cry " I know I am a bad mother..!" I have to ask her who said this and if it wasn't more so "you are a bad girl" what she remembers.
I always thought of my parents had worse past than me so I used that excuse to find forgiveness for them, and keep cutting slacks for them. Finally someone was asking me whether my parents acting this way to their boss, their colleagues, their friends or even their parents. That was it finally clicked in me, they would never do that to any of the people outside because they knew people outside will not tolerate their behaviors like that. It’s because I was their child, when I was young I really had no escape, and when I became an adult, they gaslighted me and guilt trip me back into their life after multiple attempts moving far away from them. No matter how much I tried to speak my truth, my parents refused to give my validation or apologies for the violent, molestation, verbal abuse, they gaslight and gaslight more and turning the situation around to be about them. After much of therapy and grieving, I felt finally I no longer hold onto the question in my heart whether my parents knew what they were doing was hurting and damaging the core of me, whether they loved me or not. I finally accepted I was not loved selflessly, it was sad, and I was rubbed of a childhood, I will probably never get an apology from them. It’s finally okay for me not to have expectation from them anymore and for the first time, I see my parents for they truly are. I am glad it wasn’t too late me to find my way in therapy, peers and friends who I get to share different and similar experiences. Let our trauma stop here, I believe when you really look for it, you will be able to find healing within yourself and from the world around you.
I just started to have that same realization recently but it hadn’t really crystallized. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you had to go through the things you’ve experienced. We are going to be great parents. My kids will never go through what you or I had to. I love you and I wish you all the best in this world. From one healing heart to another.
Whenever I openly express my feelings towards what they did, they blame me for feeling what I'm feeling and say that I'm the problem, I'm the wrong one and I need to let go. Every time I react extremely frustrated, irritated and angry and want to explain their inappropriate behaviour and why I'm feeling this way. Then they completely shut down to let alone myself to adjust and accept what it is, and come back to them as a grateful daughter. And I feel guilty and bad for having that rage towards them. I'm so exhausted, so hopeless, sad and disappointed. I feel like they're so irresponsible and I'm always the one who sucks up all their faults, immaturity and selfishness, while they're claiming themselves and telling everyone outside how much they have dedicated for their daughter's best interests. But the fact that they never ever own their own behaviours of neglecting and verbal and physical abuse. I'm so sick and done for all of these and I really don't know how to deal with them.
I feel like this happens to me also... then i retreat and avoid and get told "well, You never talk to me!!!" when I'm just trying to preserve my own sanity. thanks for putting that into words, and i hope both our parents can grow and start caring about their children's mental health ❤🩹
Firstly, I am so so so sorry that you are experiencing this. know that you are not alone, and you are loved and you deserve to be HEARD!! AND UNDERSTOOD!! They.are.abusive!! and there is nothing wrong with you or how you communicate, you were/ ARE A CHILD!! You shouldn't have to deal with your emotions yet they push yours away. YOU DESERVE BETTER. 💘💘 I hope you find proper love and healing. I relate to this so much it is sooo draining, just wanting to be heard but them pushing you away and talking about how "grateful" you should be and never admitting they are wrong. just draining. :(
@@destinylover_. thank you for your kind words, its like 12:00Pm here and im still awake, ive been feeling lonely all my life like it is me fighting for myself, but i have my sister on my side at least, hearing people and their histories, and also sharing mine is an nice way of relief and also therapy, wish you the best
When my mother is being emotionally abusive or immature, if she’s starting to yell and scream and make a big commotion so my siblings can see I “caused her to feel this way” I leave , take a couple deep breaths and I write down exactly what happened. Writing down what happens keeps me in my reality and it prevents me from taking the shame and or guilt my mother tends to place on me.
@@ian-online yesss I find it really helpful and it keeps me in my body. It also prevents me from feeling shame and or guilt for causing my mom “to cry” and anytime I start to second guess myself and or my story I go back and read what I wrote down and what happened. Being shamed by a parent can really affect a person. It make you feel like your a terrible person when it isn’t the case. It just the parent poor emotional stability and their poor way to regulate their emotions. They dump it on you instead but you don’t have to let that happen. God blesss youuuu and I hope everything you want in this life comes and finds you ❤️❤️
I remember once after a stop with my mother, the car wouldn't start. I was far from driving age. She started raging at me that the stop was my fault. It wasn't. I had no control over this situation. No wonder I feel everything is my fault.
6 years old, in the dressing room of a department store. I asked if I could pull a tag off a dress. She wasn’t paying attention and said yes. A security guard followed her to the car, checked her bag and receipt. All was in order, but she felt humiliated and paddled the hell out of me with a hairbrush as soon as we got home. I was saying “but I asked…”, but she was dysregulated. So sad. I’m sure she has no memory of this, but I can’t forget. Smaller occurrences countless times. Never apology or reconciliation. I understand it intellectually now, but so much damage was done. 😢
Sometimes you don't understand what the triggers are until after they've been set off. Only after immense reflection can you understand what the landmine was and determine how to defuse it. Unfortunately, my family planted a ton of landmines. I've defused many, but there are probably many I have yet to find.
I lost my job in February and unfortunately am looking at having to move back in with the parent who gave me CPTSD so this couldn't have come at a better time, thank you.
I too lost my job. I had to quit because it was toxic. I ended up homeless. One thing I know, though, and that is I cannot go back in the same house from where I got my C-PTSD even though only one of my parents is still alive. Much strength to you.
Parents aren't always "struggling" when they are doing a bad job. When someone struggles, they are trying hard to do something. That's what the word means. If you don't care and aren't trying,you obviously are not struggling.
When you said they can't often own there mistakes that hit hard , I remember, being beaten to the point where I admitted something that I didn't do , only for what I was accused of to me proven wrong without any kind of a sorry .
I have a narcissist mother and a emotional immature father. Always falling in love with narcissists. But i become aware because i'm more emotional intelligent and empatic it has ruined my life and i want to change for the better and offcourse for my own son.
Thanks so much for speaking on this. My dad had anger issues and lately I've been interested in learning how these things have affected me as an adult. A lot of videos talk about parenting styles but not a lot of videos talk about the psychological affects of walking on eggshells around a parent or about what its like to have a dismissive parent that never admits fault. Thanks again.
I can relate so much to this comment....personally and watching this in other peoples family dynamics. I love how she talks about this in a few different videos!
THANK you. This helps me so much. I hate how I handle stress and triggers in private. I become very extreme and this has come just in time. I really want to change these horrible habits
Thank you for making it all make sense. I've been keeping track of my symptoms for years now and this entire video matches my experience 100%. I'm frustrated and angry all the time, because it's not fair that I have to take responsibility for an adult who should have known better.
Thank you for this, it helps me know i am not alone. My mother is a narcissist and my father is co-dependent with her. They fought like cats and dogs when I was growing up.....I had to take care of my brother...and had to have antennae's out to take care of mom. As an adult now, thinking about it exhausts me.
Maybe this is what I’ve been going through from my unhealed parents who didn’t have that emotional support growing up. So as someone who’s also autistic, it’s really challenging dealing with parents like this and then I think about things like “I wish I can move out of my parents house.” And you’ve just explained everything all too perfect. Thank you for this video!
It is so divine that you mentioned this! It’s an old skill I’d forgotten about & never really thought of using in this time in my life. Ty! ❤ and honestly that last line brought tears because it is one moment at a time. I can’t conquer the whole mountain right now, but I can take one step and then the next 🙏🏾
This is totally unrelated but I have been subscribed for a long time and noticed how I stopped seeing your videos pop up in my feed and then discovered I was unsubscribed. I have never unsubscribed to your channel. Imo I really think they dont want people waking up and getting healthy. Your channel is powerful Dr. Sage! ❤️
yeah I needed this video today. my emotionally immature ass mother got mad at me today for not knowing how to ride the bus home from my community college. even though 1. she NEVER showed me how to use the bus, 2. today's my first day of the semester and 3. she was rushing me too much to go to the right stop while she was on the bus to my college to come get me. it's hard to know how to naviagate public transport on your first fucking day of using it, especially with as big as my campus is that has multiple stops on it. all her snide, passive aggressive, abusive and hostile comments got to me. so for the first time ever I screamed and cursed right back at her like she always does to me. she deserves it for sure but I feel very drained from that interaction and from the hot weather. so it's good to know ways to healthily tolerate her nonsense until I can move out
I'm sorry you had to figure it out all by yourself, that's not how it should go. And I'm also sorry you're in a same situation as I was. I can't say it is good to yell to your mother but I'm going g to say it anyway: good for you! Because you don't have to tolerate that even though she is your mother. And it can be unsafe because it can cause much worse situations to land in. But you stood up for you. And that's very powerful. I hope someone can help you out whenever you need it in the future, much love, good luck in your new year!
When I start to freak out, I verbally walk through what is actually happening like, "I am freaking out about this, but it isn't THAT important. It's not as important as my child's peace. It's not as important as my peace. This is not a catastrophe, I can handle this. I can do (whatever) to fix it and it is fine." It is almost like I am parenting myself in real time but I am also making sure my child hears that this little thing is just a little thing, hears that her peace is a priority in our house, hears me say I can handle this.
Got stood up for my junior prom ...I yes I was the one yelled at bc MY DATE stood me up. In my face screaming what am I going to tell people about my date am i just going to break out crying. Made me change my senior quote from a psychologist because "it didnt make sense to her" demanded i do a bible verse. I can go on and on...scfreamed at bc i said i didnt care if people didnt like me.
Dr. Kim! Awesome video and I just ordered the workbook! I want to learn how to change the behaviors my BPD mother used on me which I just realized from your video that I have copied off the BPD. You have given me happy hope that in doing the hard work from the workbook that I will come through the tunnel a much nicer and better person. Many, many thanks!
Thank You Dr Kim, I'm So Glad that I discovered Your Channel, it's really a blessing for me. You explain things so beautifully and cover so many unique topics that seem essential to understand for recovery. I also enjoy the way You present your videos, in a relaxed conversational style, that feels reassuring. Thank You for Your Kindness and Efforts in sharing this important knowledge with us, on this channel. You really are making a Great Difference. From Ginni, - in New Zealand. 😇
You described my dad to a T. I tried my best to calm myself down every time he's throwing tantrum but it really is so hard to do that if you hear yelling and slamming at random interval throughout the night.
yeah, sometimes i freak out and shut down because of my intolerant family, they don't know me or understand me. i try to explain feelings slowly, clearly, but they put the blame on me. i know the situation is too much so i feel the need to hide away. i wish i had friends or could go on adventures but my mom is very against it...
Thank you, I looked at earlier videos and wondered that there is not much talk about parents, who do not communicate. If parents do not drink, use narcotics or use violence, if they are there, but not present. If they do not communicate in anyway. The only way to know, what they think is solely by observing body language. There is permanent state of wonder, if there is something wrong or is this normal? Are all other families like this? Am I the only one who is lonely and unhappy?
Thank you!🌹 I will try to look for those. I am not a native english speaker, so it is not easy to find right terms for different situations.@@misspiggy3606
I just binge and i hate that i have so little techniques handeling my thoughts and emotions... Its SO overwhelming. Ive had ten years of therapy and i truelly have not learned anything really besides discuss how shitty everything is. I feel so hopeless. Would love walk trough tips and tricks to manage it!
DBT or CBT might work better for you than talk therapy, your therapist clearly isn't a good fit if you went for ten years and they never helped you develop ways to cope with your binging. Also it's not my job to research and list all the different types, you can do that, I don't know you or your case, I can't assume which suits you best, that comes down to trial and error on your end.@@maartjegoede9330
In complex post-traumatic stress disorder (c-PTSD), cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) may sometimes have limited effectiveness because it might not adequately address the specific challenges of this disregulation. Unlike single traumas, c-PTSD involves repeated or prolonged traumatic experiences, often beginning in childhood. CBT primarily focuses on cognitive patterns and behaviors, but deep-seated emotional dysregulation and complex relational aspects in c-PTSD cannot be addressed solely through cognitive approaches. Somatic therapy, EMDR, and other body-oriented approaches may be more effective as they target the physical manifestation of trauma. "Trauma therapy" is a vital field that explores the intricate ways in which trauma affects the mind and body. In 'The Body Keeps the Score,' Dr. Bessel van der Kolk delves into the profound impact of trauma on the body's physiology, emphasizing the interconnectedness of mental and physical well-being. "Somatic therapy", a holistic approach, recognizes the body's role in processing and releasing trauma, promoting healing through mindful awareness of bodily sensations. EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is another powerful modality, engaging bilateral stimulation to facilitate the brain's natural ability to process distressing memories. This method is particularly effective in treating conditions like PTSD or CPTSD. Neuro-psychology contributes by unraveling the intricate neural pathways affected by trauma, providing insights into the brain's adaptive responses. Together, these therapeutic approaches offer a comprehensive toolkit for individuals on their journey to recovery, acknowledging the complex interplay between the mind and body in the aftermath of trauma."
It’s almost scary how accurate this is. It’s Really hard when u love them but if you can't take Care of yourself ٫ then u can't help them. Is impossible for them to understand this. so frustrating 😞
Had a traumatic experience in a customer service position where a guest yelled at me over something I was simply informing her about, even though I was also providing the service that was requested-- sounds silly but this helped me realize that that person was having trouble regulating their own emotions and didn't know how to not take it out on me in that moment. I hope she's grown from that.
What my mom does is she will take things that traumatized me from my past and use that in an argument like “this is why -- died” or something like that.
Unfortunately my biggest issue is getting my mother to actually acknowledge her behavior, even when the evidence is clear both physical and emotional and even other witnesses who werent even involved is clear as day she will not acknowledge her behavior. In the moment she will claim she is acknowledging her behavior but when things cool down her behavior does not change and im at wits end trying to figure it out. She will always claim "i was not looking at it like that" or " i didn't mean it that way" or she will even claim its all in my head like i said even when there is clear physical evidence.
POWER is the acronym that I try to adopt when I get dysregulated - Pause your thoughts, Observe your breathing, Weigh up your options, Experience that option a little bit, Review how it went.
It’s disgusting and disappointing; can’t take accountability for any of their faults and think it’s ok because they are ‘the parents’. I can’t even begin to relay how disturbing that ideology is, to think that just because you raised a person and invested the majority of your money and time on them, you deserve to be let go of any and all your faults. Not only that, but you can disrespect and belittle your offspring without consequence. In turn we’re still supposed to eat it and stay quit. This becomes an even bigger problem when parents think they are given some free-card by God, so that any resistance you face from your child you immediately shut down by ‘God said to not raise your voice when talking to your parents and stay humble’. It’s absolutely damaging.
Emotional error is mine though I'm tired of your a non feeling person no I'm not a doormat when I'm sober people forgot that part .That kitty is really cute though emotional eating yeah that's being human like eat s and delete something I get it .cool.
I don't know if that will work with me. My hypervigalence now only pops up if I feel there is a threat to my safety and security like if I think there is problem with my job, or living situation or a breakup having survived previous abuse and struggling with codependency and narcissists. I've only ever had one healthy relationship and now I don't want to go back to unhealthy. When I get like that it's not over petty things
*Is that DBT workbook more for us or our parents please?* If that is one for us, do you have *one you'd recommend for the parents you descibed?* This resonated incredibly closely... ❤ Thank you xx
It’s great to understand background but labeling everything as ctpsd , gaslighting, narcissistic etc keeps people justified in their shortcoming blaming parents for everything. Parents are human some have really valid stressors..once we are adults we need to focus on our shortcomings and work towards becoming people we want to be with brain training or visualization. Constantly talking about parents keeps people stuck. Move on once you are adult. Understanding you have shortcomings yourself is first step.
hi, i just want to tell you one thing. you couldn't have foreseen the future. it's okay to feel guilty, but don't hate yourself for a mistake you couldn't have foreseen.
“We can’t say anything without you getting upset” “you never used to be like this” “I’m sorry I was such a horrible parent” is all I hear from my mom. I’m over it
My parents have the next stage, they say : " ONE can't say anything ...."
Omgeeee I thought it was just me!!! I HATE being told “can’t say anything to you without you being upset” like God is it me????? I don’t think I’m that way…. Not everyone says these things to me and people are not always “telling me things I want to hear” … it’s crazy smh I hope this cycle stops!
I hear it all too. and I too am OVER IT
Yep. Same.
One strategy I use is to backup and look at it like I was watching it on a tv show, or even from outer space. That perspective helps me to understand what’s going on, maybe see the humour in it instead of getting drawn into unhelpful and unhealthy coping skills.
that sounds like a really helpful strategy, im glad you shared it. ill have to try that out, next time
Derealization is necessary sometimes.
I literally do this. I look at it like the Truman show and God and His angels are seeing this, so I KNOW He didn't rescue me from a family of sharks in this deep ocean of family dysfunction just to let my mom drown me in the bathtub as an adult. I detach from it and think of it as the next level of the game in this simulation and I just have to consult with the Creator of the game for clues how to beat it. 👾
My therapist actually told me to do this, and it honestly helped me so much because I didn't feel so emotionally invested in taking care of them, especially my alcoholic father.
For me, I just remember that emotions aren’t real and are just what you think you should be feeling. You are one big lie.
Something that's been helpful for me to realize is that a big 'why' for a lot of emotionally immature parents bad behavior is the avoidance of feeling shame. As in; why did they get mad at you when you acted scared when they told you that you had to start a new school tomorrow? Because you being scared and upset activates their guilt and shame and they can't deal with that, so instead they act like "how dare you be upset about this!?" etc. It's not that it makes it okay, but it just helps explain a lot of perplexing behavior.
So true. When I started understanding this about my mother it helped me separate myself from her projections.
This is probably a factor why so many East Asian families are dysfunctional: "saving face" is a core part of their cultures, and many parents grow up having to repress their emotions to avoid losing face in front of their elders and society, then they pass down the same attitude to their children in turn
Thank you. My mother was clearly shamed as a child for making mistakes. So she feels the same kind of agitation now in seeing someone being upset, cause it triggers the memory of.. "and next comes the shaming and the consequences of being left alone etc". My grandparents were not nice people!
She deals with this by openly dismissing, denying and ignoring any kind of negativity. She shuts down every normal argument or difficult conversation or she shuts down inside. Being backed down in a corner, she will collapse and cry " I know I am a bad mother..!" I have to ask her who said this and if it wasn't more so "you are a bad girl" what she remembers.
Yes, she wanted me to be her counselor, also, she expected me to just get over it.
I always thought of my parents had worse past than me so I used that excuse to find forgiveness for them, and keep cutting slacks for them. Finally someone was asking me whether my parents acting this way to their boss, their colleagues, their friends or even their parents. That was it finally clicked in me, they would never do that to any of the people outside because they knew people outside will not tolerate their behaviors like that. It’s because I was their child, when I was young I really had no escape, and when I became an adult, they gaslighted me and guilt trip me back into their life after multiple attempts moving far away from them. No matter how much I tried to speak my truth, my parents refused to give my validation or apologies for the violent, molestation, verbal abuse, they gaslight and gaslight more and turning the situation around to be about them. After much of therapy and grieving, I felt finally I no longer hold onto the question in my heart whether my parents knew what they were doing was hurting and damaging the core of me, whether they loved me or not. I finally accepted I was not loved selflessly, it was sad, and I was rubbed of a childhood, I will probably never get an apology from them. It’s finally okay for me not to have expectation from them anymore and for the first time, I see my parents for they truly are. I am glad it wasn’t too late me to find my way in therapy, peers and friends who I get to share different and similar experiences. Let our trauma stop here, I believe when you really look for it, you will be able to find healing within yourself and from the world around you.
Thank you for sharing, this really helped me.
i'm really happy for you there!!
You story is the soft glow of reassurance for those trapped in a cave of childhood trauma that they, too, can find their way out. Thank you 🙏
I just started to have that same realization recently but it hadn’t really crystallized. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry you had to go through the things you’ve experienced. We are going to be great parents. My kids will never go through what you or I had to. I love you and I wish you all the best in this world. From one healing heart to another.
Whenever I openly express my feelings towards what they did, they blame me for feeling what I'm feeling and say that I'm the problem, I'm the wrong one and I need to let go. Every time I react extremely frustrated, irritated and angry and want to explain their inappropriate behaviour and why I'm feeling this way. Then they completely shut down to let alone myself to adjust and accept what it is, and come back to them as a grateful daughter. And I feel guilty and bad for having that rage towards them. I'm so exhausted, so hopeless, sad and disappointed. I feel like they're so irresponsible and I'm always the one who sucks up all their faults, immaturity and selfishness, while they're claiming themselves and telling everyone outside how much they have dedicated for their daughter's best interests. But the fact that they never ever own their own behaviours of neglecting and verbal and physical abuse. I'm so sick and done for all of these and I really don't know how to deal with them.
I feel like this happens to me also... then i retreat and avoid and get told "well, You never talk to me!!!" when I'm just trying to preserve my own sanity.
thanks for putting that into words, and i hope both our parents can grow and start caring about their children's mental health ❤🩹
do you have any tips on how to tolerate this?
Firstly, I am so so so sorry that you are experiencing this. know that you are not alone, and you are loved and you deserve to be HEARD!! AND UNDERSTOOD!! They.are.abusive!! and there is nothing wrong with you or how you communicate, you were/ ARE A CHILD!! You shouldn't have to deal with your emotions yet they push yours away. YOU DESERVE BETTER. 💘💘 I hope you find proper love and healing. I relate to this so much it is sooo draining, just wanting to be heard but them pushing you away and talking about how "grateful" you should be and never admitting they are wrong. just draining. :(
@@destinylover_. thank you for your kind words, its like 12:00Pm here and im still awake, ive been feeling lonely all my life like it is me fighting for myself, but i have my sister on my side at least, hearing people and their histories, and also sharing mine is an nice way of relief and also therapy, wish you the best
@@yungxxilax9194 Same to you!!
When my mother is being emotionally abusive or immature, if she’s starting to yell and scream and make a big commotion so my siblings can see I “caused her to feel this way” I leave , take a couple deep breaths and I write down exactly what happened. Writing down what happens keeps me in my reality and it prevents me from taking the shame and or guilt my mother tends to place on me.
I experienced an emotional episode right when I got home. Can’t wait to move out on my own ❤️
should i try this journaling method?
@@AzizasPeaceGamingalso i'm really sorry, stay strong. you deserve a happy and peaceful life.
@@ian-online yesss I find it really helpful and it keeps me in my body. It also prevents me from feeling shame and or guilt for causing my mom “to cry” and anytime I start to second guess myself and or my story I go back and read what I wrote down and what happened. Being shamed by a parent can really affect a person. It make you feel like your a terrible person when it isn’t the case. It just the parent poor emotional stability and their poor way to regulate their emotions. They dump it on you instead but you don’t have to let that happen. God blesss youuuu and I hope everything you want in this life comes and finds you ❤️❤️
that's a good idea, I'll try it
I remember once after a stop with my mother, the car wouldn't start. I was far from driving age. She started raging at me that the stop was my fault. It wasn't. I had no control over this situation. No wonder I feel everything is my fault.
6 years old, in the dressing room of a department store. I asked if I could pull a tag off a dress. She wasn’t paying attention and said yes. A security guard followed her to the car, checked her bag and receipt. All was in order, but she felt humiliated and paddled the hell out of me with a hairbrush as soon as we got home. I was saying “but I asked…”, but she was dysregulated. So sad. I’m sure she has no memory of this, but I can’t forget. Smaller occurrences countless times. Never apology or reconciliation. I understand it intellectually now, but so much damage was done. 😢
Sometimes you don't understand what the triggers are until after they've been set off. Only after immense reflection can you understand what the landmine was and determine how to defuse it. Unfortunately, my family planted a ton of landmines. I've defused many, but there are probably many I have yet to find.
Nice analogy, really like it! 👌🏻
Yes i am in yr same condition, would u like to contact, maybe we can help each other
I lost my job in February and unfortunately am looking at having to move back in with the parent who gave me CPTSD so this couldn't have come at a better time, thank you.
I too lost my job. I had to quit because it was toxic. I ended up homeless. One thing I know, though, and that is I cannot go back in the same house from where I got my C-PTSD even though only one of my parents is still alive. Much strength to you.
Parents aren't always "struggling" when they are doing a bad job. When someone struggles, they are trying hard to do something. That's what the word means.
If you don't care and aren't trying,you obviously are not struggling.
When you said they can't often own there mistakes that hit hard , I remember, being beaten to the point where I admitted something that I didn't do , only for what I was accused of to me proven wrong without any kind of a sorry .
Damn, I’m sorry to hear that ❤
I hear you. They interrogated me for hours into the night which ended in a beating when I finally admitted. I think about that a lot.
I have a narcissist mother and a emotional immature father. Always falling in love with narcissists. But i become aware because i'm more emotional intelligent and empatic it has ruined my life and i want to change for the better and offcourse for my own son.
How are you doing now?
Yes, same here
Thanks so much for speaking on this. My dad had anger issues and lately I've been interested in learning how these things have affected me as an adult. A lot of videos talk about parenting styles but not a lot of videos talk about the psychological affects of walking on eggshells around a parent or about what its like to have a dismissive parent that never admits fault. Thanks again.
I can relate so much to this comment....personally and watching this in other peoples family dynamics. I love how she talks about this in a few different videos!
THANK you. This helps me so much. I hate how I handle stress and triggers in private. I become very extreme and this has come just in time. I really want to change these horrible habits
Just in time! Lovely voice that i wish my mother had talking to me. It really helps me.
I am so happy you are here with me and sending 💗
Thank you for making it all make sense. I've been keeping track of my symptoms for years now and this entire video matches my experience 100%. I'm frustrated and angry all the time, because it's not fair that I have to take responsibility for an adult who should have known better.
Thank you for this, it helps me know i am not alone. My mother is a narcissist and my father is co-dependent with her. They fought like cats and dogs when I was growing up.....I had to take care of my brother...and had to have antennae's out to take care of mom. As an adult now, thinking about it exhausts me.
Maybe this is what I’ve been going through from my unhealed parents who didn’t have that emotional support growing up. So as someone who’s also autistic, it’s really challenging dealing with parents like this and then I think about things like “I wish I can move out of my parents house.” And you’ve just explained everything all too perfect. Thank you for this video!
It is so divine that you mentioned this! It’s an old skill I’d forgotten about & never really thought of using in this time in my life. Ty! ❤ and honestly that last line brought tears because it is one moment at a time. I can’t conquer the whole mountain right now, but I can take one step and then the next 🙏🏾
This is totally unrelated but I have been subscribed for a long time and noticed how I stopped seeing your videos pop up in my feed and then discovered I was unsubscribed. I have never unsubscribed to your channel. Imo I really think they dont want people waking up and getting healthy. Your channel is powerful Dr. Sage! ❤️
yeah I needed this video today. my emotionally immature ass mother got mad at me today for not knowing how to ride the bus home from my community college. even though 1. she NEVER showed me how to use the bus, 2. today's my first day of the semester and 3. she was rushing me too much to go to the right stop while she was on the bus to my college to come get me. it's hard to know how to naviagate public transport on your first fucking day of using it, especially with as big as my campus is that has multiple stops on it. all her snide, passive aggressive, abusive and hostile comments got to me. so for the first time ever I screamed and cursed right back at her like she always does to me. she deserves it for sure but I feel very drained from that interaction and from the hot weather. so it's good to know ways to healthily tolerate her nonsense until I can move out
I'm sorry you had to figure it out all by yourself, that's not how it should go.
And I'm also sorry you're in a same situation as I was. I can't say it is good to yell to your mother but I'm going g to say it anyway: good for you! Because you don't have to tolerate that even though she is your mother. And it can be unsafe because it can cause much worse situations to land in.
But you stood up for you. And that's very powerful. I hope someone can help you out whenever you need it in the future, much love, good luck in your new year!
@@ArtSMRdianne thanks so much, good luck to you too 💖
When I start to freak out, I verbally walk through what is actually happening like, "I am freaking out about this, but it isn't THAT important. It's not as important as my child's peace. It's not as important as my peace. This is not a catastrophe, I can handle this. I can do (whatever) to fix it and it is fine." It is almost like I am parenting myself in real time but I am also making sure my child hears that this little thing is just a little thing, hears that her peace is a priority in our house, hears me say I can handle this.
I have to treat it as if they are my children and breath because they will never change
Exactly my approach. So sad
Parents like this make it hard too follow the golden rule.
Got stood up for my junior prom ...I yes I was the one yelled at bc MY DATE stood me up. In my face screaming what am I going to tell people about my date am i just going to break out crying. Made me change my senior quote from a psychologist because "it didnt make sense to her" demanded i do a bible verse. I can go on and on...scfreamed at bc i said i didnt care if people didnt like me.
Dr. Kim! Awesome video and I just ordered the workbook! I want to learn how to change the behaviors my BPD mother used on me which I just realized from your video that I have copied off the BPD. You have given me happy hope that in doing the hard work from the workbook that I will come through the tunnel a much nicer and better person. Many, many thanks!
Thank You Dr Kim,
I'm So Glad that I discovered Your Channel, it's really a blessing for me.
You explain things so beautifully and cover so many unique topics that seem essential to understand for recovery.
I also enjoy the way You present your videos, in a relaxed conversational style, that feels reassuring.
Thank You for Your Kindness and Efforts in sharing this important knowledge with us, on this channel. You really are making a Great Difference. From Ginni, - in New Zealand. 😇
Oh the peony looks so good) thank you for the aesthetic and for the helpful tips! I'm gonna try it out
You described my dad to a T. I tried my best to calm myself down every time he's throwing tantrum but it really is so hard to do that if you hear yelling and slamming at random interval throughout the night.
yeah, sometimes i freak out and shut down because of my intolerant family, they don't know me or understand me. i try to explain feelings slowly, clearly, but they put the blame on me. i know the situation is too much so i feel the need to hide away. i wish i had friends or could go on adventures but my mom is very against it...
Thank you, I looked at earlier videos and wondered that there is not much talk about parents, who do not communicate. If parents do not drink, use narcotics or use violence, if they are there, but not present. If they do not communicate in anyway. The only way to know, what they think is solely by observing body language. There is permanent state of wonder, if there is something wrong or is this normal? Are all other families like this? Am I the only one who is lonely and unhappy?
Sounds a lot like childhood emotional neglect or CEN. There are other videos on this.
Thank you!🌹 I will try to look for those. I am not a native english speaker, so it is not easy to find right terms for different situations.@@misspiggy3606
I just binge and i hate that i have so little techniques handeling my thoughts and emotions... Its SO overwhelming. Ive had ten years of therapy and i truelly have not learned anything really besides discuss how shitty everything is. I feel so hopeless. Would love walk trough tips and tricks to manage it!
Saaaaaame on binging. Not even sure when this became my way of regulating, but it sucks.
You may have already done so, but you might want to look into different modes of therapy to see if something else would suit you better.
@@xtinkerbellax3 you probably mean well but this is my problem, you're not really saying anything... Which therapy!? Therapy is just mumbo Jumbo
DBT or CBT might work better for you than talk therapy, your therapist clearly isn't a good fit if you went for ten years and they never helped you develop ways to cope with your binging. Also it's not my job to research and list all the different types, you can do that, I don't know you or your case, I can't assume which suits you best, that comes down to trial and error on your end.@@maartjegoede9330
In complex post-traumatic stress disorder (c-PTSD), cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) may sometimes have limited effectiveness because it might not adequately address the specific challenges of this disregulation. Unlike single traumas, c-PTSD involves repeated or prolonged traumatic experiences, often beginning in childhood.
CBT primarily focuses on cognitive patterns and behaviors, but deep-seated emotional dysregulation and complex relational aspects in c-PTSD cannot be addressed solely through cognitive approaches. Somatic therapy, EMDR, and other body-oriented approaches may be more effective as they target the physical manifestation of trauma.
"Trauma therapy" is a vital field that explores the intricate ways in which trauma affects the mind and body. In 'The Body Keeps the Score,' Dr. Bessel van der Kolk delves into the profound impact of trauma on the body's physiology, emphasizing the interconnectedness of mental and physical well-being.
"Somatic therapy", a holistic approach, recognizes the body's role in processing and releasing trauma, promoting healing through mindful awareness of bodily sensations.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy is another powerful modality, engaging bilateral stimulation to facilitate the brain's natural ability to process distressing memories. This method is particularly effective in treating conditions like PTSD or CPTSD. Neuro-psychology contributes by unraveling the intricate neural pathways affected by trauma, providing insights into the brain's adaptive responses.
Together, these therapeutic approaches offer a comprehensive toolkit for individuals on their journey to recovery, acknowledging the complex interplay between the mind and body in the aftermath of trauma."
My home was built on fear, not love. And nowthat I'm a bit less depressed, I'm starting to see that.
It’s almost scary how accurate this is. It’s Really hard when u love them but if you can't take Care of yourself ٫ then u can't help them. Is impossible for them to understand this. so frustrating 😞
Had a traumatic experience in a customer service position where a guest yelled at me over something I was simply informing her about, even though I was also providing the service that was requested-- sounds silly but this helped me realize that that person was having trouble regulating their own emotions and didn't know how to not take it out on me in that moment. I hope she's grown from that.
I wish I had a therapist like you Dr Kim. I live rurally and good therapists are hard to find 🥰
What my mom does is she will take things that traumatized me from my past and use that in an argument like “this is why -- died” or something like that.
I have to say thank you for posting these videos. They’ve been incredibly helpful to me and I really appreciate you taking the time to make them.
Unfortunately my biggest issue is getting my mother to actually acknowledge her behavior, even when the evidence is clear both physical and emotional and even other witnesses who werent even involved is clear as day she will not acknowledge her behavior. In the moment she will claim she is acknowledging her behavior but when things cool down her behavior does not change and im at wits end trying to figure it out. She will always claim "i was not looking at it like that" or " i didn't mean it that way" or she will even claim its all in my head like i said even when there is clear physical evidence.
Thank you so much!
POWER is the acronym that I try to adopt when I get dysregulated - Pause your thoughts, Observe your breathing, Weigh up your options, Experience that option a little bit, Review how it went.
It’s disgusting and disappointing; can’t take accountability for any of their faults and think it’s ok because they are ‘the parents’.
I can’t even begin to relay how disturbing that ideology is, to think that just because you raised a person and invested the majority of your money and time on them, you deserve to be let go of any and all your faults. Not only that, but you can disrespect and belittle your offspring without consequence. In turn we’re still supposed to eat it and stay quit.
This becomes an even bigger problem when parents think they are given some free-card by God, so that any resistance you face from your child you immediately shut down by ‘God said to not raise your voice when talking to your parents and stay humble’. It’s absolutely damaging.
Thank you so much dear Kim and I cant wait to learn about those techniques ❤
Awesome video again, many thanks 🙏
thank you. this gave me a bit of peace back
As a person who is an emotional eater. This makes sense .
Emotional error is mine though I'm tired of your a non feeling person no I'm not a doormat when I'm sober people forgot that part .That kitty is really cute though emotional eating yeah that's being human like eat s and delete something I get it .cool.
Thanks for the video. I start DBT next week ❤
I don't know if that will work with me. My hypervigalence now only pops up if I feel there is a threat to my safety and security like if I think there is problem with my job, or living situation or a breakup having survived previous abuse and struggling with codependency and narcissists. I've only ever had one healthy relationship and now I don't want to go back to unhealthy. When I get like that it's not over petty things
Thank you & love your wallpaper 🩵
Ground & Center
*Is that DBT workbook more for us or our parents please?* If that is one for us, do you have *one you'd recommend for the parents you descibed?* This resonated incredibly closely... ❤ Thank you xx
Your videos are really helpful.
May I suggest getting a new microphone? Or adjusting the settings? There is a lot of white noice/ echo which is very distracting from valuable info
Thank you
If no one in your family grows up you have to do it. They can’t. They are all spoiled brats. They have a god complex on top of it
Worse is when they use the christian bible to say it's ok to abuse children
It’s great to understand background but labeling everything as ctpsd , gaslighting, narcissistic etc keeps people justified in their shortcoming blaming parents for everything. Parents are human some have really valid stressors..once we are adults we need to focus on our shortcomings and work towards becoming people we want to be with brain training or visualization. Constantly talking about parents keeps people stuck. Move on once you are adult. Understanding you have shortcomings yourself is first step.
How do I bring this up with my mom? Like I've told her about it and she gets angry.
alcoholism
..She spent hours bullying me for giving her and my stepdad with Omicron.
Because I totally went out and got myself infected so I could pass it on.
hi, i just want to tell you one thing. you couldn't have foreseen the future. it's okay to feel guilty, but don't hate yourself for a mistake you couldn't have foreseen.
This should be helpful. I am very encouraged by you speaking about this.
Do you talk to people?
Heart u doc k
s: slow down, grab the wall, wiggle like ur trynna make ur ass fall off” - sage the Gemini had me thinking