What the Betrayed Really Needs from the Unfaithful in Affair Recovery: Empathy
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- Опубліковано 22 лис 2024
- If a betrayed partner doesn’t experience or see authentic empathy from their unfaithful partner, the recovery efforts of that unfaithful become suspect. “Maybe they are just trying to not lose me and/or the family?” Maybe they don’t want to change and heal, they just want to not talk about it and move on?” Those are just some of the questions the betrayed ask themselves. Today Samuel shares first hand perspective into what are ‘empathy builders’ and what are ‘empathy blockers’ in the life of the unfaithful and how to cultivate not only an empathetic heart but an empathetic life as an unfaithful spouse. Filled with insight for both betrayed and unfaithful, today’s video is sure to encourage you on your journey towards personal and relational healing.
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
It'd be nice if the person that really needs to watch this had the courage to do so . I'm convinced some people are so stuck in their ways. They'll never change.
somebody in here should run for POTUS...pass law to make it mandatory 50 years prison if they don't take a lie detector with questions that satisfy the betrayed...& they get 10 years prison if they take it, but fail..lol
I am sad to say that my defensiveness absolutely strangles any opportunity for openness and vulnerability, leaving no room at all for empathy. My betrayed partner deserves that empathy and I will watch every single video that Sam puts out to work on giving that. This man has taught me so much during these first steps in reconnecting and repairing with my partner. For any unfaithful that see this, do what he says. Open yourself to the pain your partner is feeling. Hear them, love them, and do whatever it takes to help them heal.
My friend’s husband just gets mad when she brings it up and says, why do you keep throwing it up in my face…no empathy.
Exactly what I get. 20 yrs in. Sad.
I saw this video and broke down and cried.
All I've wanted in all the years since my wife had her last affair was for her to understand just how badly her choices hurt me and by extension our children.
I know she's sorry for what she did but I don't believe she ever truly "Got It."
I weep for what is lost, what could have been, and what will never be...
I genuinely appreciate what you are sharing in your ministry. I have no doubt countless hurting individuals will be helped and I have immense respect for what you are doing.
I just wish I could have found advice like this forty years ago when my whole life fell into the abyss; it would have made a huge difference.
Mine was 20 years ago there were no videos like this but it wouldn’t have mattered. For her to actually have the affair she had to be disconnected from you so it was impossible at that time for her to have empathy. And she will never get it unless she goes through it. It’s human nature. You may say you would have never acted that way but you can probably think of a time when you just gave somebody sympathy but not empathy. I’m not giving either one of these women an excuse just a reason. But know that people who read this have true empathy for you my friend. That’s all we get unfortunately but better than nothing.
You are right. I feel more alone than I have ever felt. I don’t know what direction to go or what to do after the earth shattering pain I’m feeling. He’s angry that I’m crying and angry because he feels stupid for everything that happened. He was blackmailed my someone that he Skyped with and fondled himself. But he kept talking to other women on Ashley Madison that could have put him in a position for it to happen again. I’m 61 answered been married 17 years and I just feel broken.
I can feel your pain. You used the very same words I did in my broken relationship too…”all that could’ve been and will never be”. A shattered mirror cannot be glued back together without the scars.
I hope you find your healing.
So true, and the attitude of empathy and a willingness on the part of the unfaithful can not falter during the recovery work. If the level of empathy resembles a sine wave, progress will be slow or nonexistent
Ahhhh! The missing piece .... thankyou Sam....and the disconnect has been fuelled.
This video resonates so much. I watched it 3 times in a row. I wish you all the empathy that you need and give even more to others.❤
awe thank you so much.
I haven’t been betrayed, but I need empathy. My husband has about as much as a toad. He thinks empathy is a “hormonal imbalance in women.” “Sex is the only intimacy; the rest was made up by Hallmark.” Yep, I kissed him a long time ago. But he’s still a toad. Sigh……
I'm tired of my husband's feigned empathy. At heart he is superficial and selfish, only when there is a real crisis here - with me - does he act as if he has empathy. I notice that he is only playing a repertoire that he has acquired.
Now I don't give a damn.
I'm out of this, he can stay married to his porn and sex addiction, but not to me.
Praise Jesus for this! Seriously! If you are finding this and have experienced betrayal, whilst my life is far from resolved yet, Affair Recovery has everything you need. A community that gets it! Amazing courses to truly help if you truly want help. There are therapists out there with respect that are a complete waste of time on this subject, they do not get it and I would recommend and encourage any that is not experienced in this specific way of healing, don’t bother. Thank you Sam!
I found the OW in our bedroom 21 years ago, I wish this course were available then . Everything they teach is spot-on. I encourage everyone to listen to the advice from these speakers . My therapist told me he was adding PTSD to my treatment plan . I met some wonderful people in the divorce support group that my Catholic dioceses presented .
so kind of you. thank you for such a great message. i shared it with the entire staff at affair recovery.
This glimmers of honesty and humility. Ego (sympathy) and REAL (empathy). The moment Pinocchio became a real boy. Thank you for this video. I've been following AR for 3 years now and this is the best! Thank you again
That is so powerful. Thank you for those authentic words of wisdom.
My husband is just like you were
Samuel. I mean just like you. However he has not even come close to making the effort, or doing the work. I don’t think he ever will. It’s okay if we just pretend it never happened we are good. But he don’t insert that for me it never goes away. And that’s his own consequence.
This is what I need to do near term and long term.
Yes!!!!! Everything you said is spot on. The very specific ways you mention to learn how to be empathetic will help the betrayer so much! Thank you, Sam.
thank you for the kind words. it means a ton and NEVER gets old.
Regarding the Unfaithful - When you get a therapist and just chit chat about the crisis of the day or to complain about what you - unfaithful - lost it is not helping the relationship. Get therapy to get to the root of the sex addiction and to heal from inside out. DO THE HARD WORK. Figure out how to OWN What you did and show it. You just destroyed a sacred trust and shattered your partner’s entire world and heart. Dont get mad at them for their hurt and anger. Prove you are willing to be transparent with all things and do it CONSISTENTLY - not only when it’s comfortable. Small things matter too!!! And for the love of God, you better make sure you’re taking the initiative to research and read and do all the work to show your betrayed that they are not having to remind you every other week about meetings and research and reading and therapy etc. etc. If you really want to show that you are serious they should *not have to remind you to do the work. just remember at this point they don’t believe anything out of your mouth so it’s your actions that will prove you can be trusted!!! - The Betrayed
This!
Amen amen and amen!
Sam. Thanks man. I’m an unfaithful too, and I’m feeling like a true piece of crap today. Your videos help me bro.
You are not a piece of crap. You did a piece of crap thing. Change your mindset to help them heal.
The best thing you can do for your betrayed spouse is to take you guys for the EMS weekend in person or online if you can't afford the in person version. You guys will have aftercare with other couples also struggling with affair recovery for a few weeks that will really help because you'll finally have community you can be open and honest with and with no stigma or judgment. I highly recommend it! Hope this helps.
They have to own it!
I'm a betrayed. I feel I did 80 percent of the work to repair the affair and believe me, this is a kind estimate. I'm processing that anger that I had to do the dirty work, the reading, the seminars, breaking contacts with the AP (she was my bestie at the time), the scripture study. I have still yet to find community.
I would highly recommend that you guys go for the EMS weekend, either online or in person. You will find community there within your small group of other couples also struggling through affair recovery you will keep in touch with through their aftercare program which lasts a few weeks after the initial weekend. The best part about it is there is no stigma because you're all on the journey together. Hope this helps!
I was with an unfaithful partner who had such a hard time empathizing, when my dog died, when I was triggered about the betrayal. I thought well he must be emotionally unintelligent. One night we went to dinner at his friends house and his friend was telling a sad story and started to sob. My unfaithful ex leaped over the kitchen counter to embrace his sobbing friend. I was in absolute awe. 😮 …
Was this with a female friend? If so, red flags!!! 🚩🚩🚩 Unfaithful spouses often lack empathy for anyone other than their AP(s). Beware!
Proof some of these spouses just DON’T deserve forgiveness. The blatant disrespect…do yourself a favor and find someone who will do that for you.
My unfaithful demands empathy for the way i reacted. But continues the bad things. But demands I stop reacting. But wont stop. Ive been saving up for therapy, what can i do is there a video about this?
Following for this. It's the same thing I am going through 😢
That unfaithful is narcissistic and is gaslighting you. I hope you do what you must do to protect yourself.
Your unfaithful spouse is not being safe for you. It sounds like it's time to bring some consequences. Maybe kick them out and demand you guys go for the EMS weekend either online or in person or you file for divorce. It's the only language they understand!
Same. So tired of the cycle
Omg. I would love a link to that blog post. Effort sounds incredibly amazing and hot!
Hey Sam! Thanks for your message
This the 4th time with the same man. Abused her when she was 14 we've been together for 10 years and this guy's been been reaching out to her and for whatever reason she can never say no
It sounds like she has a trauma bond with her AP, not to mention the fact that it happened in childhood guarantees she has childhood trauma. She may have more from her family which set her up to be vulnerable to this person. She definitely needs to go through trauma therapy and it sounds like you guys need to move away from her AP, cut off her access and block them from every possible outlet if you're going to make it. Has she given you access to her devices and accounts so you can do so? If not, that needs to be a number one priority in addition to the trauma therapist. You have to break the bond between them through the therapy and get to the root of why she is acting out like this.
Keeping passwords, watching porn, talking to other women, sleeping around is not trying though he would sure say so
What do I do when my partner doesn't want to answer any questions about infidelity? I have to know things like how many affairs or if there was someone else in our bed. I am left feeling in the dark because I don't have any closure to questions which my partner has all the answers to.
It sounds like it's time for an ultimatum. Either you guys go for an EMS Weekend (in person or online) or the relationship comes to an end. Sometimes you just have to draw the line. Watch the testimonials from Mickey and his wife to get some inspiration in Affair Recovery's YT playlists. It should really help.
i think that the circle of friends the betraying terrorist surrounds themselves with are also at fault...if your support structure is faithful to their own, aren't wild or don't seek to frequent places of entertainment that are known to spawn this satanic behavior to betray your #1, then the chances HAVE to drop significantly that your spouse will go astray...i know it happens still where friends aren't even in the know, but i bet most cheaters have a chitty friend that partakes in the discussion about the terrorism...i feel that's what happened in my case... an emotional affair with some creep across the country in a stupid online game (though i can't seem to think physical just on the BS i observed as i began to feel the attack)...my spouse's friend influence was absolute dog chit... all buzzards divorced, cheating on their own #1's, multiple kids/multiple daddy's... buzzards.... tell ya one thing man, KIDS complicate the hell out of it all (i feel like it's me that would let them down if we split because the other one is/has been doing their part to reconcile...kinda.... still feel they're lying out their 6 about everything/everything i want to know at least...
They're terrorists y'all... cheaters commit Terrorism to their loved ones...
I completely agree and that is a good way of putting it.
and if the unfaithful has never once shown any concern whatsoever? what then?
perhaps it's time to consider if the relationship is worth saving? it may be a time for an ultimatum with them if they are not showing any empathy at all? at the very least, ask yourself, can you stay in this relationship if they never show any empathy for their choices/affair/addiction/etc.
I cheated. I have a beautiful wife and two beautiful kids and I did. I’m here to learn how to get better. I want to change
I am the unfaithful & I feel so ashamed about what I did, I become so defensive & make excuses. This is hurting the recovery process & it’s been less than a year since the affair happened. & I want to correct my behavior, I just hope it’s not too late? What should I do?
Stop being defensive and stop making excuses. Answer all questions in detail. Leave nothing out. Explain why you did what you did, what you were thinking, and what you were feeling. Make the betrayed able to understand everything that went on in your head in detail. Be blunt with the cold, hard truth. Sugarcoating the details is an insult to the betrayed. They can pick up on it since it gives off the vibes of deception. You already deceived them by cheating.
@MJessie_98 First of all, it's great that you are here watching these videos from Affair Recovery. Particularly the ones Samuel puts out as he is a former unfaithful spouse and really gives good insight for those in the same boat. As for your blockages delaying the recovery process, I cannot recommend enough going for the EMS weekend either in person or online, plus the aftercare program where you guys would be paired with your small group of other couples also struggling through affair recovery. It will help provide you instant, safe community with no stigma or judgment. You have to get to the root of why you acted out, otherwise your defense mechanisms will always kick in like a knee jerk reaction. It's also contributing to your lack of empathy for your spouse and why you detached from them enough to have an affair in the first place. Why don't you guys try taking the free Affair Analyzer analyzer quiz on Affair Recovery's website to help you get a better overview of your situation and start out with their free boot camp online? After you take the quiz, you should get a call from someone in their offices within about a week to learn about your situation and help give you recommendations. If you truly love your spouse and want to save your marriage, you must commit at this point forward to their mantra, 'Do no MORE harm'. In order to accomplish this, you must get to the root and recognize the warning signs that you are allowing yourself to get back into a vulnerable place and avoid them like the plague. You must become completely transparent and out yourself to your spouse as to patterns of behavior and thoughts that got you there in the first place. You also need good accountability partners (not aloof enablers) to help keep you from falling back into the rut that is now second nature for you. Empathy, deep internal digging and radical change on your part will be the biggest way to turn this thing around and win the heart of your spouse back. This includes cutting off your AP immediately in front of your spouse, blocking them anywhere and everywhere you could get access to them or they could get access to you and then deleting their number and any accounts associated to them. I cannot stress the importance of doing this in front of your spouse versus just doing it on your own as that is just a continuation of the same type of secretive behavior and basically leaves a 'back escape hatch' open. It might also be a good idea to do this with a third party present such as an affair specific therapist so as to have a witness and to help mediate any responses. I wish you both all the best!
My husband straight up lied to my face about his tinder acct. I know he had one bc i seen it on his google 3rd party acct.
My husband has no idea the things ive seen , I just let him keep denying it, when he's honest I'll believe he's really committed to recovery ,but as long as he's lying it will never get better ...
It sounds like you need to document everything. You could try confronting him with the evidence with a third party like an affair specific therapist, but you might risk them cutting you off from everything. If divorce ends up being the only option, you will need all of that evidence in court to prove infidelity. Make sure you save your evidence in multiple places and also with other safe people just in case. Unfaithful spouses love to hit the delete button if it helps sweep their trail.
She couldn’t get past it and left 8 months later. I guess I could’ve done better. But she wouldn’t really talk to me about it.
Was your spouse the one who is unfaithful or betrayed? If she was the one who was unfaithful, it hurts like hell because it makes it near impossible to get closure, but at least maybe you've dodged a bullet. She's just going to pass it on to her AP. If you were the unfaithful, you still need to do recovery work to get to the bottom of why you cheated otherwise you will just carry it forward into the next relationship.
Kissed someone else on a festival I went to in the beginning of the relationship. Didn't wanted it but I just happend out of a bad moment where I was really drugged up and not myself anymore. Broke it off again, because I knew this isn't worth it and tried to forget about it. I knew instantly I'd never be able to keep this to myself. Couple of months later she asked me if something happend on that festival and I told her....she instantly broke it off. Sucks because I really tried to be faithful and I wasn't even attracted to the girl I kissed. Can't understand why it happened. I've been cheated on twice in previous relationships and then left for the other person, so I really now the pain and sweard to myself I would never let that happen. I mean I didn't even slept with the other person. but it still killed the relationship. I can only accept that, because I truly love and want her to be happy in her life
Maybe you wanted to know that you still had options. If you’ve been on both sides of this I would have though you would have learned how painful and decided to grow up and treat you partner with respect.
Tja, dass ist halt dass Problem mit Drogen und Alkohol. Es senkt die Hemmschwelle.
Da Du nun erlebt hast, wozu Dich Drogen verleiten, frag Dich einfach mal ganz ehrlich, was für ein Mensch Du sein willst.
Addicts need to learn empathy. They have next to zippo.
Is it possible for the unfaithful to not be able to have empathy?
Yes they can’t possibly have empathy unless they’ve experienced what you have
Yes, they are probably a covert narcissist. They have no empathy, are not remorseful and tend to be cheaters, and pornography addicts. Educate yourself on Covert Narcissism and you'll get all your answers. Im living this nightmare myself as well. Pray and be strong.
Mine has zero , he turns every scenario about "him" I'm so sick of it , I'm ready to fold
X deceased 2021, ain't nothing going to fix that
How do the unfaithful learn empathy?
expert help, therapy, coaches, a course on our site called hope for healing.
Needed this today… and maybe I’m in the wrong I’m not sure anymore. I was the U and came home one day in 2014 and confessed and ended my A. Fast forward to 2019 and I discovered my H was having multiple A(a) via text, photos, videos with my cousin who I was very close to, a friend of the family and a mom of our sons friend plus 3 I didn’t know. We have done so much work, here I am 4 years 4 mo post Dday and still scared at times and have learned to talk and not react. But the less empathy I get it came to blows Last night and I’m over it all of it. He brings up my A when I’m upset and doesn’t listen to me. I no longer have him on the pedestal I once did before his A(s) at this point I would rather be single than spend another day with him 😮💨 is it fair he’s bringing up my A when I’m triggered or having fears? He never did and now 🤷🏻♀️ does wth?
He never healed from when you cheated so now that the tables have turned, you know how he felt. Either put in the work or don’t. He was once in your shoes.. you started this. And if you want it be healthy again you have to try to understand where he’s coming from because he seems to be acting out of hurt
@karmanobes4495 Affair Recovery has seen several cases like yours where both parties have had an affair and are struggling to reconcile. This is why they stress that your old marriage has died and you must look at your efforts to reconcile as trying to rebuild marriage #2. You can never go back to the way you used to be and it's best you don't try. You have to lay the groundwork of safety, empathy and recovery work to build a new foundation for your marriage. I would highly recommend you both go for the EMS Weekend either in person or online. There is hope if you are both committed to the process. Plus, you will be paired with your small group from the weekend which will provide a safe, non-judgmental community of other couples who are also struggling through affair recovery themselves, so no stigma. It makes a really big difference. One of the main mantras in the beginning needs to be 'Do no more harm', but you both need to understand what that means and how to implement it in your everyday life if you guys are ever going to be safe for each other again. You might consider reaching out to Affair Recovery's main offices in Austin, Texas to get some pointers on where to begin in their programs given your unique situation. Hope this helps!
I have zero empathy for cheaters . I immediately, completely exclude them. Their actions told me how they feel about me.
Sadly, what I have learned is, it has absolutely nothing to do with the person that was victimized in the act of infidelity. It’s not how they felt about you. It’s actually quite the opposite. It’s how they felt about themselves or the lack there of.
This is for the victims of an affair
I am struggling to maintain empathy as I know my betrayed is going on dating sites. He said he will do what he needs to cope... but I keep viewing it as retaliation, or wondering how he could just go and do that immediately after (projection?). He said he can only handle my presence in small doses so I feel like I have to avoid him. I offered an "open door" policy but I don't know if he thinks I'm sincere, and emotional communication has been a struggle before my infidelity. He deserves my patience and space, and I'm trying not to make it about me- but I can't deny that I wish he would talk to me. It's only been a week since the reveal of my painful choice... and if it feels like a lifetime to me, I imagine he must feel similarly.
Mine is doing the same thing
You guys NEED to go for the EMS Weekend in person (online ONLY if you can't afford the in person version) so you'll be a 'captive audience' and really focus on recovery work. You must press for this and urgently. No more acting out and kicking the can down the road. Both of you need to commit to Affair Recovery's mantra to 'Do no more harm' and make no decisions for the next 90 days per their policy. This is your best shot.
How can I heal with my son in college after I cheated? He says he wants nothing to do with me
Sometimes that's the price you pay for the games you played.
Unfaithful spouses always deceive themselves about the full toll their infidelity will cost them in the long run. Not to mention their betrayed spouse who they've inflicted it on. The best thing you can do for both your betrayed spouse and your now alienated son is to make your number one priority getting with a trauma therapist to the root of your issues, working HARD on your recovery, making immediate and dramatic changes to your life, mindset and lifestyle. This includes becoming completely transparent with your betrayed spouse, any therapist and accountability partners involved. You are not going to be able to white knuckle through this on your own, so just give that idea immediately. Not one unfaithful spouse has been successful using that strategy. As the founder of Affair Recovery, Rick Reynolds says, "You can't talk yourself out of something you behaved yourself into."
I strongly recommend you and your betrayed spouse go for the EMS weekend, preferably in person or if you can't afford it, online and complete the aftercare for the weeks beyond with your small group of other couples also struggling through affair recovery. It takes a village, and in this case, one that is safe, non-judgmental and without stigma. People who understand where you're at, can share your pain with and will help encourage you and cheer you on and whatever progress you can make. All out effort and empathy are critical at the stage and are the only hope of you ever getting your son to come around to you. To be honest though, you need to be more concerned about your betrayed spouse than even your son. Not keeping him number one is how you got here.
💯
She feels like I’m minimizing the infidelity when I’m honest because she wants it to be the story that plays in her head. It’s understandable, but I don’t know what to do in that situation
As the betrayed I can tell you quite frankly: she doesn't get to choose, it's most likely the actual story that's haunting her head. I've been like that, every waking moment, from the second I woke up in the morning to the moment I fell asleep at night (if I could sleep at all) since our D-Day five months ago. We can't choose. It's only gotten a little better recently. If you try to tell her what to think or feel, you are making a grave mistake, because it would be rejection. She needs exactly the opposite, and it's your responsibility - if she means enough to you and you aren't your own priority. Listen to yourself honestly and impartially.
Thanks for your insight and explanation. It's so hard to make her trust me again :(
@@kitana3977 It's tough on both sides, isn't it?
Just do everything in your power and then do a little more. And keep patience and empathy, overcoming all this is unfortunately not a short walk in the sunshine but rather like a winter long-distance hike in the mountains during the night for which one was never trained; I can't describe it better.
And then it's also the case that the stupid, normal everyday life can also bring triggers and mood swings that the cheater is not to blame for - in my case, for example, I'm going to have an surgery the day after tomorrow I'm scared and therefore very tense, and I also have to change my job urgently for health reasons and I'm afraid that I won't find something new in the near future.
But all these negative feelings, which actually have nothing to do with my husband and his cheating, pushed me back into the deep black hole. My thoughts and feelings circle and race around everything he has done (ONS, affair, prostitute); did he really tell me everything? Is he now completely honest with himself and with me? Am I, as he assures me again and again, the only person for him, am I - with my 50-year-old, very unaesthetic, non-erotic body - really what he wants and desires, or will he "need" again some very beautyfull, well-trained 20-year-olds that really fire up his imagination?
And so on and so on...
Please share your Spouse's emotional pain and help her bear her burden. Help her survive emotionally.
How long should the unfaithful give empathy to the betrayed. Months, years?
as far as the affair? forever. we should forever be empathetic about our choices and their affect upon our spouse and partner.
@@samshealingpodcast yes, the correct answer. Thank you.
The fact that you are asking for a timeline to demonstrate empathy shows that you are trying to rush the process and really don't get it. Honestly ask yourself: "If I was the betrayed spouse, what kind of empathy would I hope for from my unfaithful spouse and for how long would I need it?" If that still doesn't work, you definitely need to get with a trauma therapist to get to the root of your issues, because the lack of empathy and self-awareness indicate unresolved baggage from your past that you will continue to carry forward into any relationship. You must do this for yourself, not just for your spouse.
What does an unfaithful do if the betrayed spouse says they want comfort and love but while the betrayed is lashing out? I feel i try to be empathetic but it doesn’t seem to be good enough ever.. I feel i try so hard to show that I changed the way of thinking and show that she’s my number one but no matter what it gets brought back to the day I did wrong.. how does someone make themselves be there to comfort someone that consistently goes off and getting upset that i don’t comfort enough when being lashed at?
To the point of waking up daily to being known as disgusting and a POS and good for nothing and not given the chance to comfort..
You literally talk about this on this episode but the therapy suggestion is just blown away by “they cant help me, you the unfaithful have to make the difference” but me as the unfaithful am trying my best to show I’m all for her but its still not good…
I understand my mess up but it feels as though I’m stuck in a painful loop and i know its probably not as painful as it is for her to have dealt with what i did to her but I’m willing to move past the failure i made and try to make life better for us but it seems like its impossible to reach that goal.. please help me help us.
It’s a long journey keep trying
@@j-blaze420 keep showing empathy with true remorse from the bottom of your heart through all your actions and words to make your partner feel safe.
The pain of infidelity of your life partner to which you love the most , is just unbearable 💔.
I am the one who cheated on my wife and we are a few days past discovery. She found out through a message from the husband of the person i cheated with. i have tried to honestly share with her what has happened and why i feel like i did what i did without looking for any kind of excuse just introspective. we have 2 children and I love her so much and want to try and do the work to make it work. She has already told all her family and friends and says she wants nothing to do with me and wants me out of the house. I have watched these videos and really appreciate the perspective from both sides and I am trying to utilize some of the tools i have learned, but what do you do as the unfaithful if your spouse doesn't want to do the work or even consider giving it a chance.
Hey, how are you doing now?
As a wife who is a few days past dday...finding out my husband stepped out on our marriage. I can only say...let her have her space. It is a grief like non other. If you truly want the relationship to be fixed...you still need to do these efforts even if it seems she isn't responsive...don't give up on her. She's feeling like you abandoned her and that she's worthless to you. I'm unlike your wife in that I am very much open to my husband helping me to heal and fixing our marriage....so I'm watching these videos to help form the words to tell him exactly what I need. There are so many emotions being felt....all at once and like this man says in this video...EMPATHY goes a long way.
I would respect her wishes since you clearly haven't in the past. In the meantime, I would beg her to please consider going for the EMS weekend in person just to see IF the marriage can be salvaged, or if nothing else, to help her get closure and begin her healing process. It would be key to beginning your recovery work as well so that you don't continue to hurt her and if the relationship ends, you won't carry it forward into another relationship.
I am the unfaithful. I felt remorse for breaking child's heart. I have not asked for the betrayed for forgiveness. As I realise I have been tired of the marriage, 100% of financial, household and 60% of spending time with my child. I don't know if I even should be trying to be forgiven, when that's not what I want at all.
My goodness, if you don't want this marriage anymore, then end it. Your partner then definitely deserves to find his/her happiness with someone else. Holding on to the relationship is selfish of you.
It sounds like you checked out of the marriage ages ago due to self-absorption on your part. You really need to get to the root of why you are acting out this way because even if you move on to a new relationship, you will bring the same baggage into it and get the same results. You owe it to yourself and your betrayed spouse, not to mention your child to do recovery work. Also, prioritizing your child over your spouse is a clear sign of dysfunction in the relationship. The spouse always has to come first. It's no wonder you had issues in the relationship when the only person you were really investing in was your child and your AP(s). I would highly recommend you get with a trauma therapist to work on your deeper issues ASAP!
So it's both our faults. But isn't infidelity worse? There's still one left turn more on one side than the other.
You guys are going to need expert help then. I highly recommend the EMS weekend in person or online. You can call Affair Recovery's offices in Austin, Texas to get recommendations. Don't delay!!!