At 56 I have finally learned that I'm not a punching bag, scapegoat or other target for toxic people to deflect upon... Small towns are hives of corruption, ignorance and serious mental illness. If you're the nicest or smartest person in the room or the new person- you're wearing a huge target.
This is so well said. First 21 years I lived in such place and it was horrible. Lots of physical and mental abuse from parents, sexual abuse from other people. Lots of trauma from that. Then I became a prostitute for a short time while in high school and that's how I met a rich guy from the US from some village in New Hampshire. No trauma from being a prostitute tbh. The guy offered me real work, so I jumped at the chance because I had zero money and only high school education. Imagine, an abused young guy from a tiny village in eastern europe finally manages to escape and find work abroad. Sadly upon my arrival to this New Hampshire village he started abusing me. I was so caught off guard that I endured it. I had zero money, not even for a bus from there... I didn't even realize it's a bad thing what was happening, because I was so used to abuse and this time it wasn't exactly violent in nature. Unfortunately this abuse has given me ptsd which I'm only starting to deal with in 2024 after 11 years of depression and anxiety. The same month I returned from the US I started drinking, smoking, gambling, left university that I was freshly accepted to, left my boyfriend... I have addictions and no real work for several years, I couldn't deal with people or even focus on basic tasks at work (can't even write here how I get money now). Videos on this channel are great, I feel like someone understands me and thanks to Anna I managed to slightly reduce my symptomps of anxiety, which I didn't think was possible because I was feeling shaken to my core every day for the past 11 years. I have hope, I'm "only" 33, but I also have doubts about how I can change when I already missed 11 years of my life, and before that it was bad but at least I didn't have the damn PTSD. I feel like what people describe in videos about antidepressant induced sexual dysfunction - I feel chemically castrated because I can't even be intimate with people without my body going into fight&flight response. Hardcore drugs help with that a bit, but not fully, it's still far from okay and I can't function on drugs, that would only make it so much worse...
That was my experience when my father retired from the Army. We moved to a small town Newport, Arkansas. Bible Belt and so terrible prejudice. So many negative experiences! Age 18 yrs old I scrambled to get away.
@bex3425 yep- and the second string Barney Fife cops they hire that harass the new families in town 🤦 I'm so thankful for all the security cams, body cams, dash cams, etc! It's been a crazy 25 years! Both of my sons have rocked at life, both are very successful veterans with deployments-, daughter is amazing, too! They all have a military family and a few great friends from town who have been positively influenced by them (and my parenting 🤭 cuz they all ended up at my house during highschool) The leftovers in town (I have 30 acres out of town on the other side of the highway) are still doing the crappie flop with all the problems from 15-20 years ago. When I go to town to the post office, etc, I tell people I'm headed over to the asylum!
so true. same goes for jobs... when you are new and vulnerable as a direct result of being new and trying to adapt and navigate through so much. ... weak, mean and evil people will use you as the scapegoat. The ring leader bully will start abusing you and drag along all the weak spineless ones to join in. When you stand up for yourself the abuser will play the victim making you to be the bad one.... our world is made up of these toxic dynamics because many are weak, spineless and evil and good people do nothing. This is why animals, children and the elderly... the ones who have no voice are so abused. I am thoroughly disgusted now with most people.
I do not attract mean people, but there simply are too many dangerous scoundrels and bullies about who should be duly fined or jailed. That's the harsh truth.
Scapegoat here. I would always wonder why my friends were so mean to me. I thought it was a reflection of me. About 20 years ago, I figured out that I chose friends who were like my narc mom. I now have fewer friends but they are all kind to me.
What makes me crazy is the difference in standards. Toxic/narcissistic family members get to talk nastily and turn all the attention on themselves, but if I act out or get angry, I’m the problem?
exactly! they ganged up on me, saying horrible insults, speaking condescendingly, rolling their eyes, laughing sadistically at me, then "oh, we're just kidding, stop being so sensitive! we love you so much!" yeah, because insults and disrespect are "love" and indeed, if i got upset, nd yelled, calling out their attitude and harmful words, i need to shut up, because i'm being mean and upsetting people over nothing and i'm "acting crazy" and need to be on meds for believing they don't love me so clearly. double standards and gaslighting, it was crazymaking,and now i'm low contact to retain my sanity.
@@alaia-awakened I hear you 100%. What I would say is that somehow life or your own conscience is pushing you in the direction of taking the higher route. Do you think when you breathe your last breath you’ll regret this? I grew up in a family with people who were running away from themselves endlessly. They could never face themselves, would you want to live that life. I grew up with two members of my family with borderline personality disorder, histrionic, personality disorder, and bipolar disorder. I know what it is to be abused. I know what it is to be manipulated. I know what it is to be made confused about who I am. I have taken the highroad, I’ve done the work to understand who I am, and how I became the way that I am. I can look myself in the face in the mirror. Once you’re able to draw those boundaries, you can find people who live their life differently or if not, you can at least look yourself in the mirror and be proud. I was never allowed to be angry. I’m still not allowed to get angry by my brother. That’s OK, he’s over there and I have the right to have as much of a buffer zone as I choose. That I couldn’t do when I was younger. It’s a drag yes, it’s less of a drag than it used to be
Whenever I stand up for myself, I am berated, ostracised, and talked about. I live in a toxic village community that feels unsafe but I remind myself that at my core I'm a decent person 😢
@Channel89988 I hear you. I tried dating a guy after divorcing a narcissist who pretty much took every ounce of my energy. Turns out the new guy was love bombing me and turned out to be a predator. I now just avoid meeting new people here in the community as they're hostile towards outsiders, and I haven't dated for 2 years. Thank God for my companion animals, they save me every day. I want to move away but I'm suffering with severe fatigue from years of stress. I hear you. I really hope your situation improves. You don't deserve to be treated badly.
Im so sorry that happened😢. You dont deserve that either wish we had better experiences. The guy I thought was fine he immediately started asking me question about my body and wanted to get physical.. After we talked and then he said he only wanted instant gratification.. I almost lost all my self esteem again due to everything that happened and my loneliness.Its so not easy to trust people and after what I went through I dont trust most. Its just really not easy I hope ur situation gets better as well.
I agree, mean people are everywhere, and that is why I don't enjoy being around people, strangers especially. My peace is more important to me than anything else.
When I divorced, it took two years for me to figure out that I had been emotionally abused. I was used to it because of my mother. I realized that what I had experienced was not normal.
Yesss- it seems normal- good on you took me 6 years and having to read journals my doc made me keep - like a year or three after writing, cause we re write it in our head ….and don’t remember what happened cause the gaslighting
if you wake up from generational trauma the narcissistic in your family will call you schizophrenic and mental...how dare you threaten to upset the status a quo of their delulu land😂😂😂
I was a licensed Pharmacy Technician, which itself is a high stress career. I was the scapegoat and was mistreated and ostracized. It was horrible and I finally got a leave of absence because of all the trauma and stress. I decided not to go back and got another job as a checker at our local family owned market. I took a huge cut in pay but it was worth it because I was appreciated for all my hard work. I had regular customers who waited in line patiently at my check stand. I'm now 65 and retired. I have tjme for my family and two wonderful grandkids. I spend time with my friends and neighbors and enjoy my hobbies. Since I love to cook and bake, my family gets to be treated to my meals that are made with love. I encourage anybody who's in a scapegoat environment to get out of it. You deserve to be appreciated, appreciated and loved ❤
It’s frustrating that you had to take a financial cut for some peace of mind & respect. Perhaps you’ll move on to a job that meets (maybe exceeds!!) all of your needs. You deserve to flourish
I am an attorney... The toxic workculture is just part of the job, if you cannot accept that I found, then you won't make it in law. You have to become just as messed up and indifferent as your coworkers apparently, I was speeched to become more COLD and indifferent, detached and clinical... yeah I don't drink with my coworkers or party with them. .. year end functions aka "christmas parties" is a dangerous place to be at. Everyone is waiting for you to throw away your name and act stupid...they will even feed you free alcohol to try and make you look stupid.
It can be hard to know what is unacceptable. No one is perfect and people are very flawed. But being able to tell the difference between someone being flawed and someone being abusive, can prove challenging. I would rather have relationships where I’m able to feel safe to be vulnerable. I would say that if it’s unsafe to be vulnerable, then that is by definition a dysfunctional relationship
Tolerating the intolerable. I don’t accept cruel treatment any more. Not voluntarily. I hope I am never in a position where I’m at the mercy of a merciless person. Those people are among us unfortunately.
I hear this so much. I have chosen men in my life specifically because they were unavailable, creepy, socially and mentally inferior, even nasty and criminal - and I get it that I was being my own devil, imposing my own sentence for being a person I thought was worthy of punishment simply for existing. I am old now and it doesn't really matter anymore, but I recommend to young women who still have years ahead of them to pay close attention to the common denominator in your love relationships. That's what you have to work on. That's the start of the chain that binds you to pain.
@@MerryWidow420 I love your comment. I have also made many mistakes in relationships. I felt like I deserved to be mistreated. As I have gotten older and now a widow I am working on myself and I enjoy the peace and quiet of home
I also put up with alot of crap from men earlier. I never married because the men I dated wouldn't commit. I left them all and am stronger. I notice many women are bending over backwards to keep a man, and I stopped that long ago.
I have a similiar problem and always attract men in relationships (without me knowing). I am so sick of this because the pain gets bigger as I always think I finally found the one - only to get disappointed again. This life has zero quality and as working on myself hasn't changed much I wonder what it is I can still do.
I think people in dysfunctional families are not taught how to set boundaries, what they want, their limits, to say no, or get up and leave. If you see your mom or dad with no boundaries, you don’t have skills to stand up for yourself. If you are not validated growing up, you question yourself. If you have a feeling that something’s off, but don’t know how to handle it (skills) things don’t get addressed. Mean people immediately will know an individual is not gonna put up with their crap. They test you and if you don’t have the skills, they’re gonna run all over you. I don’t think you attract mean people. I think you don’t have the skills to know how to deal with people who are trying to manipulate you.
Not even that, but if you grow up with parents who punish you for exercising boundaries instead of teaching you how to set them properly, and you consistently learn that having and setting boundaries is wrong, you learn to just stop having them because it keeps you safe.
And they said what you said as a child dealing with toxic parents we as small developing humans internally deep deep down wrote the script to validate the toxicity 😢 only if we lucky we get to learn we are the problem / family are the problem , wrong thinking and unbalanced demands to validate internally don't retire ....we become adults stuck❤ God Bless IN healing❤
@sapphirehands7780 I wholeheartedly agree! That lack of skill creates an inadequacy, a weakness that many domineering individuals will be more than ready to exploit!!
It's interesting how our trauma can also create the exact opposite effect. I learned to avoid bad people like the plague. Maybe because of the striking contrast between good and bad people that was demonstrated to me a lot growing up. I watched terrible people mistreat the good people and each other, and promised myself that the former category will never have access to me. This, of course, resulted in isolation because I'm so hypersensitive to red flags and I'd rather be completely alone than risk someone bad entering my life. It's a peaceful existence and people who are with me are amazing, but I am limiting myself to a small life and missing out on many opportunities and experiences just to maintain my peacefulness.
Even the most authoritative experts seem to overlook the problem of HOW PERVASIVE abusive behavior is. If you don't tolerate being relentlessly negged and mistreated, you're likely to become socially isolated. What mental health experts call abuse is normal to, to mind, a majority of people - at least in the US where I'm from
i used to do this time and time again. In the last few years ive slowly gotten rid of those people . Fast forward to now i no longer keep anyone around who treat me or anyone else badly. Im learning a new me who keeps to my boundaries
I have gone through this to a dangerous point. I was desperately unregulated and lonely. As I used my alone time to really dig deep into education and self-honesty. I am slowly making real friends, and learning (slowly) to push back, calmly respond, and dump controlling people with confidence and sometimes a silent stare and distance. It is a long, steep, hard path. I wish you a true friend, one at a time.
I recently found the abusive email from my bro from 10 years ago, which prompted me going no contact. Reading it now, I can see how I'm healing. Reading it back then, I was incredibly shaken, felt deep shame, completely petrified and stifled anger. Now I read it differently. In his awful words, I see his huge entitlement, his ignorance of boundaries, and the menacing blame directed at me for his deep resentment. I've also recently finally realised how I am missing my 'core' self as I automatically 'read the room' to focus on others, and erase my sense of myself (more than just simple people pleasing). I felt like a ring donut! My point is that I realised I have both been drawn to and attracted folk who matched my childhood environment, but now that I am able to engage more with myself, I am learning to check in with myself first when I'm mixing with folk at work and play. So, I feel I send out a very different vibe, and then, get a different response from and dynamic with others. Feeling the difference is amazing and gives me hope for a better future Thank you for this perfectly timed video! 🙏
@@maddi3582 I have gone no contact with my brother… very cruel .. I shake sometimes when I think of things he has done.. his wife same.. my only sibling … I understand exactly what you are feeling
I’m completely blind, on the autism spectrum and have CPTSD. For a long time, I’ve been fitting myself to other people’s crap. I allow them to put restrictions on me about when and how I should use my accommodations and ways to regulate and navigate in this world. I’ve allowed people to suppress me of my emotions and of my needs. Well, I can no longer mask and fit into society’s norms and molds! I’m allowed to be me! I’m allowed to use the regulation tools and other accommodations I need to navigate the world! I’m quirky and a goofball, but I LOVE IT! I use sensory fidget items, but SO WHAT! I’M ME! It’s what I need, and that’s ok! I’m still worth it!
@@heedfix8465 I’m going through burnout due to masking and suppressing myself to make others comfortable and happy. I’m now realizing that it’s not working. I’m allowed to be different. It’s ok for me to be unique. Different doesn’t mean burden. I mean, it may mean that to some people. But in my world, different just means special, interesting, unique, a blessing and a gift.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I’m going to keep on working to be me, even out in the community, and if someone stares at me because I’m acting or behaving differently, well, I’m going to let them. I’ve exhausted myself and all my energy trying to act and behave normally. Well, I’m not neurotypical, nor sighted, I can’t keep pretending like I was traumatized, and that’s ok. Now it’s about not listening to the judgment of others or the judgment from myself. I’m expressing myself, I’m communicating through ways your average person doesn’t do, but I’m still doing it, and it’s not harmless.
I used to feel anxious around mean people growing up. I thought I was secretly attracted to them all because of how flushed and excited I would become. I now know my rapid heartrate and flushed face were actually feelings of anger at their blatant cruel behaviors. I’m still learning to avoid those kinds of people, or at the very least stop fawning over them, and welcome those I feel more at ease around.
This. We are drawn to people who mistreat us in the same way that we were mistreated as a child, because we feel this is a way to finally get those needs met. As adults we misinterpret the agitation that we feel in their presence (anger, anxiety, etc…) as attraction. Healthy attraction isn’t “fireworks” or “sparks”. It’s warm and quiet. But we don’t understand this until we start to rewire our nervous systems and start to honestly feel how bad it feels to be around toxic people. Because our survival no longer depends on desensitizing ourselves to it. But you’re right. Two decades into this, “butterflies” are warning system for me. It’s a warning that I’m in the presence of an angry, emotionally unavailable/toxic woman…and I need to move away from her. Not towards her.
I run into folks in the locker room and instantly go into grovel/fawning mode, like I'm talking to someone with superior intelligence or something and they LOVE it, then afterwards I'm like WHY? Why did I just put myself through that? They're just pretentious sanctimonious a-holes!!! 🤷
I think sometimes you latch onto nasty people because you're used to being around a threat, so if you can SEE the threat it's actually less stressful than not being able to see the threat. And if you're traumatized, well there's always got to be a threat, right? So you tell yourself that that person who isn't threatening you is just hiding the way in which they are threatening you. Being stabbed in the back is scarier than being stabbed in the front, right? The idea of someone who isn't looking to stab you is inconceivable. And you're dead on about how being traumatized is ultimately self-absorbed. 😕Not my favorite thing to admit, but it's true.
I think this is true. I had a couple of them. Once I left one, I left them all. I didn't know that 'friend' can be a bad thing. Now having had some time for reflection, I was making myself small to make them happy, and still got put down and ridiculed. Some people have insatiable desire to one up. Don't put up with them.
Omg! This is exactly what I have been WONDERING!!! What IS it about me that I am constantly surrounded by bullies?? However, I have finally started to accept and remove these people from my life-even sisters. Even potentially my daughter!! Thank you for this video.
My only sister and I have parted ways effective August 15th, 2024. She's always hated me. I finally accepted this fact. I haven't changed my telephone number yet, but........I will. When I do, I know that I will never see her again. .,.................... Head hung low in tears. Giving in
Gosh yes my own sister is so krass and rude I would never have picked her for a sister. Had to set boundaries ok that for my own sanity. Can't confront her she won't hear it.
Raised by narcissistic mother .. family scapegoat… I never got the proper help … educated my self got a university degree some good jobs but ultimately couldn’t hang on to them.. all relationships negative.. people don’t seem to like me… I’m struggling.. I just reflect and see nothing but a broken life.. struggles .. tried to do self help route.. some professionals.. but never found someone who specialized in narcissistic abuse… some days I feel like I can’t breath… this video really hit home… looking for help… late 50s thought I would have managed it better.. just real so alone…
It is a cold, cruel world. It's just that you see it for what it is. Meanwhile, be your own best friend. You got this far. You are Not living a lie like so many do. You are enough. You are worthy.
I am 100% with you on every word except it came from my father. Now, at almost 60, I am isolated and alone. I am hanging in there, though, and I hope you are too.
Trauma-driven thinking can be discouraging. But never forget: Healing is possible! If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
Thanks so much for this. I find I used to be surrounded by heartless, mean people, still am.. but the difference now is that I do not allow them into my inner circle. When we are nice and good people... toxic predatory people who study others see that and see it as a weakness to take advantage of... I used to think everyone had potential and would be or could be somewhat kind back towards my kindness. Now the minute I see any vampiric, user style mean behaviours I am done! I am rather isolated and love my pets and my own company. I confront people in gentleness and love but if they become offensive instead of accountable I am also done. I have taken a big step back and with clarity now I choose being alone any day over spending even very little time with unauthentic mean people. The sad thing I have been able to realise is that true, authentic and kind people are very rare. Very rare are real diamonds in a world of cubic zircons.
I’m getting so much better at spotting the red flags in new acquaintances. I’m finally in contact with my bodies signals for the first time in my life and it vividly shows me when someone either oversteps my boundaries or that their morals don’t align with mine. It’s hard though, and I find myself constantly debating between the side that feels lonely and longs for human connection and the side that’s aware and who finally feels comfortable in her own skin (and company)! Being 39, actively healing from childhood trauma + 1 year post an eight year relationship with a covert narcissist, I see everything so clearly now! I’m not afraid of anything anymore and I finally feel a sense of peace and hope for the future. Your videos have been very helpful this year. Thank you! ❤
You are speaking my life story. I realized that it was all I knew growing up. As I began to experience anger and resistance, I was awkward and anxious as I tried to develop boundaries. I feel like I am finally getting a sense of self-acceptance with my "no thank you." (Period). I am making some wonderful friends. I love your transparency.
I recently said to my therapist I thought that everyone had lost their sense of humor. She called me out on it and said, "No, we're out here, joking and laughing, you just have to keep trying to find us..."
Another problem is that after some time, we often forget how badly they treated us... I believe it's a huge issue for empaths/good-hearted people since we don't want to have conflicts with anyone, all we crave is peace, love, and harmony in our lives... I've noticed that I easily forget people's bad behavior, which is why I tend to let them come back into my life, and then I open my eyes again and think why did I make this mistake again... An evil circle... This is what I should work more on... To be able to draw a strict line and say no, enough is enough, and never go back or feel pity for them. We may not believe in words or actions, but if it's a pattern, it's probably not going to change unless the person consciously and intentionally starts working on it.
@@robertamika9903 trust me, I totally understand the "forgetting all the damage" part of it is probably self preservation, the other part is fearing the inevitable (being alone again- at least that's what it was for me) Had to start keeping a journal and when I look back up to three years ago I'm shocked today that I EVER let it go on as long as I did ❤️🩹
This hits home so hard. It has taken me 40 yrs to figure out that I've never ever actually had friendships that were functional relationships. Every last one only befriended me until I didn't serve a purpose for them any longer and they made no efforts to cover that crappiness up. The only reason it's different now is because I "broke the wheel" lonely at first, I quickly found more true love in a year than what I'd ever experienced my whole life❤❤❤❤
@ilsedemolder3973 I found it in me. Sounds cliche but I had to lose my oldest daughter, and then lose my entire phone with contacts I've had for over 20 years. Getting a new phone and a new phone number, while that was a great loss not half as great as losing my oldest daughter, over the months I would start to see who wasn't there for me anymore and who never even reached out to me if I didn't reach out first. Fast forward 3 years later, my career is better than ever, a relationships are real and feel very different than any of the ones I've ever had before so I know they're good. And I am full different person don't even know that person anymore that I used to be for others in a negative way. Even when the bad days come and they come, so much freedom and having functional friendships and relationships. That really is true love loving yourself
@ilsedemolder3973 trust me, it wasn't easy at all. It was very painful and lonely at first The realization that others could so blatantly care less if they ever heard from me again even right after my daughter had died. It was a whole bunch of slaps in the face. A little bit of time and isolation one on one time with me a lot of inner work, and it definitely didn't happen overnight but it did happen by taking small consistent steps forward
I dealt with this so many times. People start off as though they are all for me and then they abuse the heck out of me. It hurts so bad. Worst part is I'm so forgiving and allow them to do it again. Now I just pretend like it doesn't matter and I move on. Anytime I ever try to defend myself I lose.
same because toxic people do not ever take accountability. They prefer turning it on us. We are too sensitive, blah , blah blah. Good for you to not allow it anymore.
Thanks Anna. I woke up with a lot of anger and frustration this morning and this really helped me ident and process what I was feeling, and the cause of it. A lot of the meanness that I have experienced has been very covert, a dismissiveness a what my experience and my feelings are. When people will say cliches to me like "Oh it will work out. It always does.", "See everything is going according to plan," etcetera, ad nauseum. What it feels like to me is they are saying "Shut up. I can't be bothered. I've got my own problems." I purposely don't share my feelings with most people due to this type of toxic positivity automatic response. When I hear one of these responses now, I get really pissed and I will often respond that I don't need a cliche, I need to find a solution. Sometimes the only solution in the moment is to just keep going. I feel patronized by those automatic responses. Listening to this video this morning, really helped me identify this type of treatment from others, and made more able to express how it doesn't work for me. I call it "pretend recovery/happiness/spirituality/serenity" insert whatever other word there is. It is emotional crap fitting. I've put up with it a lot from different people in the so called spiritual/recovery community, especially those in some sort of position of power, who often have a spiritual self-righteousness. It happened with my previous Al-Anon sponsor, who shut me down shortly after the loss of a long-time beloved mentor. That sponsor used the words of Al-Anon against me to put me down, dismiss me and dump me as he was too overwhelmed with what was going on in his own life. If he would have been honest with me, I would have understood and accepted that he didn't have time to sponsor me at the moment. Instead, he chose to attack and dismiss me with such cliches as "You're not ready for the program (the 4th Step), and that's okay." What I learned from the experience is that everyone has different challenges in life and different areas in need of growth. I have a pattern of putting up with people who shut me down. I wouldn't share honestly with him as I would get the lecture and the cliches. Now, I'm grateful that this happened as I am much more aware of this type of covert meanness, masquerading as "being supportive" or insert whatever phrase you want here. Lashing out at someone who has just experienced a death of loved one is unacceptable behavior, no matter how many "years of program" or "how much recovery" a person has. That is just plan mean behavior. Thanks for your forum and your insight. I really needed to be able to get clarity and put words to what I have been holding inside of me. Your video helped me identify those needs. I got you book, and I have found it really helpful. I need to pick it back up and continue reading it. Have a great day. Kevin
I absolutely do not put up with mean ppl. Even ppl who slightly cross boundaries of those I care about will get completely jettisoned. I have no time for nasty ppl ever.
I have walked away from so many people. Just had to do it again. Appreciate you so much & your stories have helped me ! Never thought life would be like this. From my mom, sisters husband, daughter & son in laws. I’ve lost contact with my grandchildren. Asked for help. You’re worth it. Smile & tell yourself “I Love You “ ! Got the right therapy ! I know that it was them. ❤Happiness is possible. Being intolerant of bad treatment. Knowing your worth. Keep smiling & take care of yourself. You deserve better. God’s grace & love has healed me. Self care. Eat healthy foods. Exercise, get outside. Do hobbies that you can meet others with like interests. I watch a lot of comedy. Laughing has helped me a lot too. Thank you, I’m learning from you constantly with your book & videos. I’m powerful ❤ 🙏🕊️
You are so on target! I got tough last year after watching you and took a good look at some bad behaviour and did a friend dump. Felt sad but my life took a positive turn and those people found new "friends" to pick on. YAY me and you for your tough love for SELF preservation!!! Thank you Anna! (Example, left a voice message about finding my cat dead and she responded laughing! Said she listened to my message in fast speed and I sounded like a chipmunk and oh yeah, sorry about your cat. She own a cat clinic and was the grief counselor. Go figure. Got Dumped)
Wow She sounds utterly and disgustingly heartless! I have had some similar cruel words of similar tone from fake friends and I dump them immediately once I see this type of sick attitude. The last one who did this to me I just stopped returning her calls and blocked her on my phone. I am so done with that level of crap! I am also completely perplexed by this toxic behaviour towards friends. No way... Do NOT accept that!
I have about 3 or 4 more meanies to get away from still. Poco a poco...(little by little). But I am so grateful to be able to, NOW, recognize the meanies and steer clear of the symptoms of that behavior.
Yep. My experiences have always been in the church. Praying for my husband to see the signs in the institution and to see into his own experiences to decide that worshiping in a safe environment will make all the difference.
At 43 years old I finally got to the point where I'm done ushering obligations to people that didn't earn my love and attention and time. I have learned we have only One Life to live to spend that time in a way that makes the best out of that one life. It's means, enough to allow mean people to continue to be mean to you when you should love yourself as I've learned to love myself enough to love myself first to not feel like I'm a bad person by not giving those who were mean to me in my life and selfish to not proved that they earned the love. I rather my feelings not be hurt than to worry about their feelings not being hurt, and for them to have hurt me my whole life trust me, their feelings won't be hurt as much as I thought it did while it let so much time being wasted. Thanks so much for this video Anna you are God sent🎉🌿💚😏💚
Ana I'm so sorry ppl abuse u & your family didn't care. I've learned many ppl u tell your story to don't care & gaslight us. Be Blessed Fairy! Keep up the great work! Thank u so much!!!
I think I get my trauma symptoms now (with your help) but now I've had to go no contact with everyone except some Co workers that became family. But having this unfortunate giant shield means you won't accept the bs! I've gone from being super social to a happy recluse.
boundaries is key. they will be who they are, you have the choice and the right to remove them from your inner circle. I love the terminology "crap fitting". when i notice i do that i kick people out and think "nope! i no longer crap fit myself"❤
Not always, this is a common mistake. People generally don’t care for those they don’t understand. It can be indicative that you aren’t in the right circle or community.
God this is so true. It’s also due to our conditioning by family members when we are children. I think in our 50s we are better able to look back and come to terms with our failures.
I know that you are being honest and telling people to stand up for themselves. There's a lot of shame in people having a past of abuse. In our culture, there is this mentality where there is so much shame even being hurt by people. So our traumatized culture has this mentality that they are in the wrong for being exploited or showing emotion. When we cross the street in my culture, it's mostly just the pedestrians who are supposed to look both ways. When we're in a fight, the goal is "don't get beat up". There is a lot of shame staying in relationships because the saying is "don't get abused". When we are born in a cult, not by our choice, the saying is "don't be a sheep". There was an ad for car thieves that stated "Here are tips from the pros themselves about how not to be a victim". Mostly, there is so much shame for being abused by a traumatized person. Why do we use this phrase "you attract what you are?" What ever happened to the wisdom that how people treat you doesn't determine your worth? Why don't we accept that we are in toxic environments that were poor at teaching people their worth?
This woman is truly the best on the planet. I wish everybody who has had abuse could listen to her. Nobody comes close to her communication skills regarding abuse!
Good grief the beginning of the video describes what Ive gone through for many years since I was in the Milwaukee Backbrace at 10 yrs old. I am learning to let go of mean people at 51 and don’t turn back! Thank you for also showing me it’s also not always about them but I need healing too and to be more reciprocal to people who are genuinely kind to me
Hello Dr. Anna, thank you for this video compilation. I've realized at the age of 33 that I had a streak of critical & mean friends in my youth and teenage years, up until young adult life. The person who I am now (with therapy, meditation & shadow work) would have NEVER been around those who I considered "friends" in the past. Looking back, I know the people in my life didn't really care about me, and/or cared about themselves and their ego more than our friendship. At this point, I would NOT be friends with those people. I have standards for true friends now, and if someone had an issue with meeting those standards? They can keep walking. I'm learning that I'd prefer my own company versus having people around who passively aggressively hate on me.
People aren't the answer. The answer is within yourself. Validate yourself don't wait for others to do it. You can do it. Believe yourself. Trust yourself. Listen to what is going on inside. Hold on for dear life and keep moving forward.
For someone whos been victimised a lot, i have to say i dont tolerate mean people anymore they arent part of my life. That behavour is out in the dust bin . Im so proud 😊❤
3:37 This is also a huge problem, where people can't tolerate any kind of feedback if it isn't said the way you would talk to a little kid. We've grown so used to having our butts powdered that we don't recognize when someone is actually being a good friend. Good friends don't lie, coddle you, tell you what you want to hear, etc. We really don't give enough credit to people who truly want what's best for us because sometimes, we really do need a kind yet direct wake-up call. It's what gives healing direction at all.
Like so many here, I have a great knack for finding "friends" that absolutely treat me like sh*t and I just put up with it until I break and then it's all over and I never see or speak to them again. Such a waste of time, emotional energy, and life. Product of divorce from an alcoholic mother who abandoned me at 14 and favors her two oldest kids. They can do no wrong. I cut off all connections to my siblings after 60 years and they're all thinking, "Gee, what's his problem?". I finally set boundaries, but 40 years too late. It sucks. I'm relationally broken and as the sunset of my life comes around, I have settled with the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. I am drawn to people who will take advantage of me and treat me poorly like a moth to light.
Don't give up! Stay here and begin to heal.❤ read the posts from others for courage and possibly ideas that you could branch out & have a better life. I'm 76 * have gone no contact a year ago. It's a blessing! talk therapy & 12 step program " Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families meetings. I worked with their side study groups. Both were very helpful It's never too late, is what I tell myself . Welcome to our healing community
Thank you, Anna for your work. My story .... I've been under someone's thumb for 35 years ! I put up with Verbal abuse and mistreatment all that time. I'm 76 years old . This New Years Day will be my one year anniversary of going no contact with my abusers. My healing journey began when I started to attend the 12 step group called 'Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families ' . I participated in their side study groups. I also went individual talk therapy. I educated myself about people with Personality Disorders from licensed professionals. I learned about the red flags to watch out for. Low and behold! Some of these folks were right under my nose, sucking the life out of me. Somewhere along the way i found Anna Runkle, thankfully! Then finally, I chose to go no contact . After almost one year of being free of it, it is a blessing. Welcome to the Crappy Childhood Fairy Community , all. Let's Stay & heal together.
😢 so sad. Gone through the same. But after a break long term. I noticed friends were cruel and uncaring... I decided to cut ties not worth the heartache. They are slowly being replaced by like minded people... Please be kind to yourself, you sound a good heart to me ❤
"Did you ever reconcile with your best friend? I deeply regret such losses and struggle to find peace without repairing lost connections. I'm sentimental about these things and find it hard to move on, even though others would say I should. For me, no new friend or opportunity feels the same as what was lost. When a mistake cost me something significant, I often worked desperately to regain it or find something better. Accepting loss has always been hard-I was raised to see loss as catastrophic, which shaped my belief that every significant setback marked the life I *could* have had. While I understood the need for acceptance, it took years to truly feel it. Even now, in middle age, I still struggle at times, though I can't tell if it's due to personal growth or simply lower expectations."
Bless you Anna, this video really spoke to me. The guilt and shame piece really hit home. I’ve just got out of an abusive relationship. I’ve tolerated so much bad treatment and it’s made me more ashamed. Your kindness really helps.
One of my sisters is fun to hang out with but also can be very mean. I put her on a ‘timeout’ every couple of years when it is so much. She responds with anger. She has no idea what she does. It is normal life for her to get angry at people.
I have a stepsister who sounds near identical to your own sister. These people do not and cannot understand how their behavior affects others. Her own boyfriend had to call her out to “be nice” in front of me this past Spring because of how nasty she gets. It’s definitely a “them” problem and I choose to stay away from it.
my sister strangles me every time i go back to visit for the holidays. it took me years to remember and realize this-shes done it so many times out of nowhere and i never held her accountable. ive never even heard her utter the word “sorry.” and then i separated myself and starting remembering how she used to tattle and sell me out to our abusive mother when i did nothing wrong, and i even remembered an incident when i was 12 and she was 10 and she pushed me backward off a balcony at our aunt’s house. the reason was because i was smiling and happy. im no contact with my sister. she will never see her big sister or get anything from me ever again. i have no one to spend the holidays with and i have no friends or support due to CPTSD but at least im not actively being attacked.
@@anju8376 Ugh, I'm so sorry you went through this. All of us. I shared a womb with a sibling like this. Finally walked away and got erased. I'm sure another sibling took my place.
I completed the Freedom Session and then ended 7 relationships with hurtful people - so liberating! I am healing enough that I now recognize when someone is being mean, narcissistic, selfish, violated my boundaries, rude, etc. and its like the lights went on. They had mistreated and abused me for years, and I just put up with it until Freedom Session literally freed me from mean people. You are right, it was my choice to stay and then it was my choice to leave and walk away from those people and wow! it created the space for God and Jesus to love me more, cos now my focus is on God and Jesus who love me and not on hurtful people.
Im 65 and got into the isolation so deep, i KNOW it is too late to change, its just not possible. After trying and failing so many times, it becomes worse exponentially. There is no way out because of the void. Had therapy for years, 6 different doctors, every medication, no results. Im too old and worn out to keep trying. Trying/failing makes it worse. The drawback is loneliness, but i don't even like people enough to want to connect to them.i have 2 dogs as as replacement. Although embarrassing being a shut-in, it feels safe and positive somehow.
It is not too late and there are good people out there too! If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
Without trying to offend, can I recommend reading the Bible and seeking a relationship with Jesus? He knows you perfectly and loves you perfectly. When we feel like we are done, he gives us new life. I am sorry if this sounds trite, but He is truly the only one who knows our story and loves us with great compassion.
Yes, i am like a magnet!😮…or was. But I started setting boundries…and puff the mean people seem to disappear…and thank goodness for that.😊 Thank you so much crappy childhood fairy for all the wise videos. I have learned a lot to protect myself, most of all to stand up for myself and setting boundries ❤
I agree with you 💯 Per cent! I realised what happened to me from the age of 7 to 11 was wrong. I was also used for shop lifting when I was younger, I was threatened with my life. I was glad that I managed to get out of it due to police prevention. You are a survivor, I have done CBT counselling and I have an invisible tool belt wrapped around my head. Respect! 🤗🥰
@@sallyasmree4079LOL apparently those who can see through people need to learn this - how to flatter the narcissist when you know they are full of it.😢😢😢
Another great video, thank you! I'm 100% guilty of being a mean person sometime and even towards friends. Once I thought I'm a narcissist. And yes, I was being that way sometime. It was a result of things in the past - some horrible things. Now I'm a different person, much kinder in a non-pretentious way and I apologized to people who I hurt in the past. They said it was nothing, which surprised me, because I didn't think it was nothing. Eventually I started to think many of them are actually narcissists and I realized I shouldn't have apologized, because they were much worse at times. But at least it helped me close this one little chapter. Now I have to deal with a lot of other bad stuff. Good luck to everyone on their path to becoming a person they want to be - or who they were before those bad things happened.
I don't have any mean people left in my life. I do have a couple of people who are friends but they really aren't completely safe for me to share much with them. I have one long distance friend across the country who I consider a good friend who also has a similar background. I wish I had decent friends here where I live but have trouble in this area. I just feel disappointed by so many people.
Thank you - I needed to hear this. Whenever I spend time with my sister (most recently at Thanksgiving) I end up feeling angry, hurt, resentful and frustrated for days afterward. Just little put-downs she makes. Usually, I tell myself I'm being too sensitive or the problem must be with me. I've always been supportive of her, but in return get toxicity. Worse still, I find it very difficult to say anything; instead, I crapfit until the next time.
There are two things that kept me hanging on. They were family, and it was life long. Second, spiritually I felt like I was supposed to witness to them. Your comment regarding spiritual hit 🎯 me. I really appreciate you 💞
I have finally learned at 50ish years old to get these type of people out of my life. Sadly tolerated it from people in life thinking something was wrong with me, I can make them like me.
woah, I need this video. my friends have said to me before "jeez people are so mean to you, people never talk to me like that" and its not even just friends, it's coworkers and just random people around me. thank you for this validating video, I need the answers.
I feel like some people see an "easy target" in people like us because they think can get away with treating us like crap. And to some extent that might be true because we weren't really taught how to properly stand up for ourselves. Or if we did there were severe repercussions that just made it not worth the hassle. I still struggle with this myself but rather than try to be argumentative and fight back and I'm going to try simply walking away whenever I'm being disrespected.
I loved this video, thank you so much for speaking so openly and honestly about these topics. I loved the clarity of your tips and the fact that you talk about your personal experience, it really enriches the connection you establish with your listeners. It's great that you use your talents to help others and share knowledge. ❤
Lord to the Have Mercy! 🤩 This is so helpful. Without even realizing it, I have allowed way too many mean people access to me. As I wrap up 2024, I was having the hardest time finishing up a few goals because I’m recovering from unexpected negative outcomes. Every attempt to move a new friendship or relationship with relatives forward this year has resulted in isolation. Communicating boundaries and expectations hasn’t helped. What gives me hope is knowing I can start today making different choices that will lead to better outcomes. Thank you for helping me realize this. I have a few immediate actions I can take now that will change the trajectory.
I've always taken abuse in stride. I'm trying to learn to recognize it and reject their treatment. I'm having to leave my family out of my life because they're the ones that treat me the worst.
This was so wonderful Fairy Anna, thank you!! Somebody gets it. Let's "Break The Spell" of Trauma, enlist support, "Break The Wheel' and "'Turn The Page"!! 😂🎉❤Nichol in Wyoming
Thank you, Anna. I've gone back to isolating after a really rough patch knocked me down hard. I keep thinking about trying to go back to socialize, but I'm drained and hurt and scared... I want to have good meaningful relationships but I can't have that if I'm going to keep hiding because I'm scared I'd say something about what goes on in my personal life inadvertently. I was conditioned to believe saying anything about the abuse is bad. My abusers cornered me with that one and I ended up falling quiet because when I tried to get help in the past I was either ignored or shamed... I feel like I have no way out... I just need a little bit of support... a little gentle voice that believes me. I know what happened to me wasn't my fault, but sometimes the gaslighting and abuse are too much to handle that I start to think that maybe it is and that I deserve it all again... I don't. I know that. I just need a bit of help from the outside to help me keep my ground until I figure out a way to escape. Don't give up. I didn't ) :)
@@roralyn I can relate. It is so hard not to isolate with all of the hate and vindictiveness of most people. I have lost so much trust in the human race. Wishing you good vibes from good people!
In my experience it is more often people who are kind or smart or more attractive or some combination of positive attributes who will be targeted for abuse. It would be helpful if the public could become more educated about this unfair dynamic that goes on quietly but continuously in our culture, and to call it out when they observe it (if safe). Some of these people will stop if they sense that someone else is watching and noticing the irrationality of it.
You are such a comfort to hear you talk about things that are so true in my life and many others. Things that hold us back... Thankyou so very much for taking time to make your videos. Xx
Thank you so very much Anna for this wonderful talk today! You’ve hit the nail on the head!! I’ve been a terrible people pleaser for SO long. I didn’t realise what that had done to my Heart space until very recently! This talk was beautifully timed for me! Thankyou!! 🙏😇🌹🌈💕💚🦄
I have been there and after a brain sickness and started at zero I decided to say goodbye to all of this creatures. Better peaceful alone than service bad people
I’ve noticed that your posts show up on the exact days I’m going thru the exact thing. Almost as if I’m the subject of an intervention I’m not aware of or someone close to me is asking Anna to speak on the very subject…it so bizzare…..
At 56 I have finally learned that I'm not a punching bag, scapegoat or other target for toxic people to deflect upon... Small towns are hives of corruption, ignorance and serious mental illness. If you're the nicest or smartest person in the room or the new person- you're wearing a huge target.
This is so well said. First 21 years I lived in such place and it was horrible. Lots of physical and mental abuse from parents, sexual abuse from other people. Lots of trauma from that. Then I became a prostitute for a short time while in high school and that's how I met a rich guy from the US from some village in New Hampshire. No trauma from being a prostitute tbh. The guy offered me real work, so I jumped at the chance because I had zero money and only high school education. Imagine, an abused young guy from a tiny village in eastern europe finally manages to escape and find work abroad. Sadly upon my arrival to this New Hampshire village he started abusing me. I was so caught off guard that I endured it. I had zero money, not even for a bus from there... I didn't even realize it's a bad thing what was happening, because I was so used to abuse and this time it wasn't exactly violent in nature. Unfortunately this abuse has given me ptsd which I'm only starting to deal with in 2024 after 11 years of depression and anxiety. The same month I returned from the US I started drinking, smoking, gambling, left university that I was freshly accepted to, left my boyfriend... I have addictions and no real work for several years, I couldn't deal with people or even focus on basic tasks at work (can't even write here how I get money now). Videos on this channel are great, I feel like someone understands me and thanks to Anna I managed to slightly reduce my symptomps of anxiety, which I didn't think was possible because I was feeling shaken to my core every day for the past 11 years. I have hope, I'm "only" 33, but I also have doubts about how I can change when I already missed 11 years of my life, and before that it was bad but at least I didn't have the damn PTSD. I feel like what people describe in videos about antidepressant induced sexual dysfunction - I feel chemically castrated because I can't even be intimate with people without my body going into fight&flight response. Hardcore drugs help with that a bit, but not fully, it's still far from okay and I can't function on drugs, that would only make it so much worse...
Well put and unfortunately very true
That was my experience when my father retired from the Army. We moved to a small town Newport, Arkansas. Bible Belt and so terrible prejudice.
So many negative experiences! Age 18 yrs old I scrambled to get away.
@bex3425 yep- and the second string Barney Fife cops they hire that harass the new families in town 🤦 I'm so thankful for all the security cams, body cams, dash cams, etc! It's been a crazy 25 years! Both of my sons have rocked at life, both are very successful veterans with deployments-, daughter is amazing, too! They all have a military family and a few great friends from town who have been positively influenced by them (and my parenting 🤭 cuz they all ended up at my house during highschool) The leftovers in town (I have 30 acres out of town on the other side of the highway) are still doing the crappie flop with all the problems from 15-20 years ago. When I go to town to the post office, etc, I tell people I'm headed over to the asylum!
so true. same goes for jobs... when you are new and vulnerable as a direct result of being new and trying to adapt and navigate through so much. ... weak, mean and evil people will use you as the scapegoat. The ring leader bully will start abusing you and drag along all the weak spineless ones to join in. When you stand up for yourself the abuser will play the victim making you to be the bad one.... our world is made up of these toxic dynamics because many are weak, spineless and evil and good people do nothing. This is why animals, children and the elderly... the ones who have no voice are so abused. I am thoroughly disgusted now with most people.
I do not attract mean people, but there simply are too many dangerous scoundrels and bullies about who should be duly fined or jailed. That's the harsh truth.
Scapegoat here. I would always wonder why my friends were so mean to me. I thought it was a reflection of me. About 20 years ago, I figured out that I chose friends who were like my narc mom. I now have fewer friends but they are all kind to me.
What makes me crazy is the difference in standards. Toxic/narcissistic family members get to talk nastily and turn all the attention on themselves, but if I act out or get angry, I’m the problem?
SO EXACTLY TRUE !!!!!!! My mother's attitude towards her adult children setting boundaries on bad nhvr.
😮💨
exactly! they ganged up on me, saying horrible insults, speaking condescendingly, rolling their eyes, laughing sadistically at me, then "oh, we're just kidding, stop being so sensitive! we love you so much!" yeah, because insults and disrespect are "love" and indeed, if i got upset, nd yelled, calling out their attitude and harmful words, i need to shut up, because i'm being mean and upsetting people over nothing and i'm "acting crazy" and need to be on meds for believing they don't love me so clearly. double standards and gaslighting, it was crazymaking,and now i'm low contact to retain my sanity.
@@alaia-awakened I hear you 100%. What I would say is that somehow life or your own conscience is pushing you in the direction of taking the higher route. Do you think when you breathe your last breath you’ll regret this? I grew up in a family with people who were running away from themselves endlessly. They could never face themselves, would you want to live that life. I grew up with two members of my family with borderline personality disorder, histrionic, personality disorder, and bipolar disorder. I know what it is to be abused. I know what it is to be manipulated. I know what it is to be made confused about who I am. I have taken the highroad, I’ve done the work to understand who I am, and how I became the way that I am. I can look myself in the face in the mirror. Once you’re able to draw those boundaries, you can find people who live their life differently or if not, you can at least look yourself in the mirror and be proud. I was never allowed to be angry. I’m still not allowed to get angry by my brother. That’s OK, he’s over there and I have the right to have as much of a buffer zone as I choose. That I couldn’t do when I was younger. It’s a drag yes, it’s less of a drag than it used to be
Yeah it's insane where are the good ppl
Whenever I stand up for myself, I am berated, ostracised, and talked about. I live in a toxic village community that feels unsafe but I remind myself that at my core I'm a decent person 😢
Relatable I avoid almost everyone i literally hid in my car once
@Channel89988 I'm almost a hermit now. I've hidden in my car/dived down alleyways and all sorts of avoidance tactics 🙈
@Channel89988
I hear you. I tried dating a guy after divorcing a narcissist who pretty much took every ounce of my energy. Turns out the new guy was love bombing me and turned out to be a predator. I now just avoid meeting new people here in the community as they're hostile towards outsiders, and I haven't dated for 2 years. Thank God for my companion animals, they save me every day.
I want to move away but I'm suffering with severe fatigue from years of stress.
I hear you. I really hope your situation improves. You don't deserve to be treated badly.
Im so sorry that happened😢. You dont deserve that either wish we had better experiences. The guy I thought was fine he immediately started asking me question about my body and wanted to get physical.. After we talked and then he said he only wanted instant gratification.. I almost lost all my self esteem again due to everything that happened and my loneliness.Its so not easy to trust people and after what I went through I dont trust most. Its just really not easy I hope ur situation gets better as well.
@Channel89988 it's definitely wise not to trust until proven otherwise! ❣️
I agree, mean people are everywhere, and that is why I don't enjoy being around people, strangers especially. My peace is more important to me than anything else.
When I divorced, it took two years for me to figure out that I had been emotionally abused. I was used to it because of my mother. I realized that what I had experienced was not normal.
Yep, this resonates. It was sad to realise that I'd (essentially) married my mother 😮
Ditto.
Yesss- it seems normal- good on you took me 6 years and having to read journals my doc made me keep - like a year or three after writing, cause we re write it in our head ….and don’t remember what happened cause the gaslighting
if you wake up from generational trauma the narcissistic in your family will call you schizophrenic and mental...how dare you threaten to upset the status a quo of their delulu land😂😂😂
I’m 68 year’s old and a therapist and still fall into this.
thank you for your post...75 here...perhaps life long journey
I was a licensed Pharmacy Technician, which itself is a high stress career. I was the scapegoat and was mistreated and ostracized. It was horrible and I finally got a leave of absence because of all the trauma and stress. I decided not to go back and got another job as a checker at our local family owned market. I took a huge cut in pay but it was worth it because I was appreciated for all my hard work. I had regular customers who waited in line patiently at my check stand. I'm now 65 and retired. I have tjme for my family and two wonderful grandkids. I spend time with my friends and neighbors and enjoy my hobbies. Since I love to cook and bake, my family gets to be treated to my meals that are made with love. I encourage anybody who's in a scapegoat environment to get out of it. You deserve to be appreciated, appreciated and loved ❤
Thank you for sharing your story, it's inspiring ❤
❤❤❤
It’s frustrating that you had to take a financial cut for some peace of mind & respect. Perhaps you’ll move on to a job that meets (maybe exceeds!!) all of your needs. You deserve to flourish
@annfoster5190 Bless you and Thank you for sharing 🥰🙏🏼😇🎶♥️🕊💫
I am an attorney... The toxic workculture is just part of the job, if you cannot accept that I found, then you won't make it in law. You have to become just as messed up and indifferent as your coworkers apparently, I was speeched to become more COLD and indifferent, detached and clinical...
yeah I don't drink with my coworkers or party with them.
.. year end functions aka "christmas parties" is a dangerous place to be at. Everyone is waiting for you to throw away your name and act stupid...they will even feed you free alcohol to try and make you look stupid.
Accepting the Unacceptable is Dysfunction.
It can be hard to know what is unacceptable. No one is perfect and people are very flawed. But being able to tell the difference between someone being flawed and someone being abusive, can prove challenging. I would rather have relationships where I’m able to feel safe to be vulnerable. I would say that if it’s unsafe to be vulnerable, then that is by definition a dysfunctional relationship
yeah our mothers and grandmothers have been conditioned to accept dysfunction as the norm for ages
@@SuperDflower omg this is how I feel about the narcissistic part of my family
Tolerating the intolerable. I don’t accept cruel treatment any more. Not voluntarily. I hope I am never in a position where I’m at the mercy of a merciless person. Those people are among us unfortunately.
I hear this so much. I have chosen men in my life specifically because they were unavailable, creepy, socially and mentally inferior, even nasty and criminal - and I get it that I was being my own devil, imposing my own sentence for being a person I thought was worthy of punishment simply for existing. I am old now and it doesn't really matter anymore, but I recommend to young women who still have years ahead of them to pay close attention to the common denominator in your love relationships. That's what you have to work on. That's the start of the chain that binds you to pain.
@@MerryWidow420 I love your comment. I have also made many mistakes in relationships. I felt like I deserved to be mistreated. As I have gotten older and now a widow I am working on myself and I enjoy the peace and quiet of home
And better yet, sobriety from relationships (romance, "love," aka sex etc) to work on yourself, healing, and same sex friends.
You sound like me.
Multiple abusive marriages. I married men like my father.
I also put up with alot of crap from men earlier. I never married because the men I dated wouldn't commit. I left them all and am stronger. I notice many women are bending over backwards to keep a man, and I stopped that long ago.
I have a similiar problem and always attract men in relationships (without me knowing). I am so sick of this because the pain gets bigger as I always think I finally found the one - only to get disappointed again. This life has zero quality and as working on myself hasn't changed much I wonder what it is I can still do.
I think people in dysfunctional families are not taught how to set boundaries, what they want, their limits, to say no, or get up and leave. If you see your mom or dad with no boundaries, you don’t have skills to stand up for yourself. If you are not validated growing up, you question yourself. If you have a feeling that something’s off, but don’t know how to handle it (skills) things don’t get addressed.
Mean people immediately will know an individual is not gonna put up with their crap. They test you and if you don’t have the skills, they’re gonna run all over you.
I don’t think you attract mean people. I think you don’t have the skills to know how to deal with people who are trying to manipulate you.
Absolutely
Not even that, but if you grow up with parents who punish you for exercising boundaries instead of teaching you how to set them properly, and you consistently learn that having and setting boundaries is wrong, you learn to just stop having them because it keeps you safe.
@@cornwallismorgan874 yes, they deactivate your defenses.
And they said what you said as a child dealing with toxic parents we as small developing humans internally deep deep down wrote the script to validate the toxicity 😢 only if we lucky we get to learn we are the problem / family are the problem , wrong thinking and unbalanced demands to validate internally don't retire ....we become adults stuck❤ God Bless IN healing❤
@sapphirehands7780 I wholeheartedly agree! That lack of skill creates an inadequacy, a weakness that many domineering individuals will be more than ready to exploit!!
It's because I'm patient and kind. I give off that vibe, but when these silly people cross my boundaries, they learn that I am not a pushover. 😊
I felt this. When I finally get angry and mean people can't believe I am the same person. They are surprised I don't put up with their nonstop abuse.
It's interesting how our trauma can also create the exact opposite effect. I learned to avoid bad people like the plague. Maybe because of the striking contrast between good and bad people that was demonstrated to me a lot growing up. I watched terrible people mistreat the good people and each other, and promised myself that the former category will never have access to me.
This, of course, resulted in isolation because I'm so hypersensitive to red flags and I'd rather be completely alone than risk someone bad entering my life. It's a peaceful existence and people who are with me are amazing, but I am limiting myself to a small life and missing out on many opportunities and experiences just to maintain my peacefulness.
Even the most authoritative experts seem to overlook the problem of HOW PERVASIVE abusive behavior is. If you don't tolerate being relentlessly negged and mistreated, you're likely to become socially isolated. What mental health experts call abuse is normal to, to mind, a majority of people - at least in the US where I'm from
I've realized I've tolerated way too much for way too long...just now learning to hold my head up & that I have choices!! ❤️🙏🏼
We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
i used to do this time and time again. In the last few years ive slowly gotten rid of those people . Fast forward to now i no longer keep anyone around who treat me or anyone else badly. Im learning a new me who keeps to my boundaries
❤❤❤
Same here. It's been a process, but I'm finding new peace every day.
I got rid of dozens of mean people and now I’m alone so alone all the time it’s hard
I have gone through this to a dangerous point. I was desperately unregulated and lonely. As I used my alone time to really dig deep into education and self-honesty. I am slowly making real friends, and learning (slowly) to push back, calmly respond, and dump controlling people with confidence and sometimes a silent stare and distance. It is a long, steep, hard path. I wish you a true friend, one at a time.
I recently found the abusive email from my bro from 10 years ago, which prompted me going no contact. Reading it now, I can see how I'm healing. Reading it back then, I was incredibly shaken, felt deep shame, completely petrified and stifled anger. Now I read it differently. In his awful words, I see his huge entitlement, his ignorance of boundaries, and the menacing blame directed at me for his deep resentment.
I've also recently finally realised how I am missing my 'core' self as I automatically 'read the room' to focus on others, and erase my sense of myself (more than just simple people pleasing). I felt like a ring donut!
My point is that I realised I have both been drawn to and attracted folk who matched my childhood environment, but now that I am able to engage more with myself, I am learning to check in with myself first when I'm mixing with folk at work and play. So, I feel I send out a very different vibe, and then, get a different response from and dynamic with others.
Feeling the difference is amazing and gives me hope for a better future
Thank you for this perfectly timed video! 🙏
@@maddi3582 I have gone no contact with my brother… very cruel .. I shake sometimes when I think of things he has done.. his wife same.. my only sibling … I understand exactly what you are feeling
I’m completely blind, on the autism spectrum and have CPTSD. For a long time, I’ve been fitting myself to other people’s crap. I allow them to put restrictions on me about when and how I should use my accommodations and ways to regulate and navigate in this world. I’ve allowed people to suppress me of my emotions and of my needs. Well, I can no longer mask and fit into society’s norms and molds! I’m allowed to be me! I’m allowed to use the regulation tools and other accommodations I need to navigate the world! I’m quirky and a goofball, but I LOVE IT! I use sensory fidget items, but SO WHAT! I’M ME! It’s what I need, and that’s ok! I’m still worth it!
Good! You have connected to yourself. Beautiful ❤
Sienna, you've been such a fun, wise and generous part of this community for a long time. Thanks for being you!
@@heedfix8465 I’m going through burnout due to masking and suppressing myself to make others comfortable and happy. I’m now realizing that it’s not working. I’m allowed to be different. It’s ok for me to be unique. Different doesn’t mean burden. I mean, it may mean that to some people. But in my world, different just means special, interesting, unique, a blessing and a gift.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I’m going to keep on working to be me, even out in the community, and if someone stares at me because I’m acting or behaving differently, well, I’m going to let them. I’ve exhausted myself and all my energy trying to act and behave normally. Well, I’m not neurotypical, nor sighted, I can’t keep pretending like I was traumatized, and that’s ok. Now it’s about not listening to the judgment of others or the judgment from myself. I’m expressing myself, I’m communicating through ways your average person doesn’t do, but I’m still doing it, and it’s not harmless.
You absolutely can Love and be Loved...This is what you deserve...always remember that God loves you and will never abandon you...
I used to feel anxious around mean people growing up. I thought I was secretly attracted to them all because of how flushed and excited I would become. I now know my rapid heartrate and flushed face were actually feelings of anger at their blatant cruel behaviors. I’m still learning to avoid those kinds of people, or at the very least stop fawning over them, and welcome those I feel more at ease around.
This. We are drawn to people who mistreat us in the same way that we were mistreated as a child, because we feel this is a way to finally get those needs met.
As adults we misinterpret the agitation that we feel in their presence (anger, anxiety, etc…) as attraction. Healthy attraction isn’t “fireworks” or “sparks”. It’s warm and quiet.
But we don’t understand this until we start to rewire our nervous systems and start to honestly feel how bad it feels to be around toxic people. Because our survival no longer depends on desensitizing ourselves to it.
But you’re right. Two decades into this, “butterflies” are warning system for me. It’s a warning that I’m in the presence of an angry, emotionally unavailable/toxic woman…and I need to move away from her. Not towards her.
I run into folks in the locker room and instantly go into grovel/fawning mode, like I'm talking to someone with superior intelligence or something and they LOVE it, then afterwards I'm like WHY? Why did I just put myself through that? They're just pretentious sanctimonious a-holes!!! 🤷
I want kind people in my life. Genuine kind people!!!!! 😢😢😢😢😢
Are there any left......? Hard to come by
I think sometimes you latch onto nasty people because you're used to being around a threat, so if you can SEE the threat it's actually less stressful than not being able to see the threat. And if you're traumatized, well there's always got to be a threat, right? So you tell yourself that that person who isn't threatening you is just hiding the way in which they are threatening you. Being stabbed in the back is scarier than being stabbed in the front, right? The idea of someone who isn't looking to stab you is inconceivable.
And you're dead on about how being traumatized is ultimately self-absorbed. 😕Not my favorite thing to admit, but it's true.
But most people are a threat…especially modern day it’s illogical to trust anyone.
I think this is true. I had a couple of them. Once I left one, I left them all. I didn't know that 'friend' can be a bad thing. Now having had some time for reflection, I was making myself small to make them happy, and still got put down and ridiculed. Some people have insatiable desire to one up. Don't put up with them.
Omg! This is exactly what I have been WONDERING!!! What IS it about me that I am constantly surrounded by bullies?? However, I have finally started to accept and remove these people from my life-even sisters. Even potentially my daughter!! Thank you for this video.
My only sister and I have parted ways effective August 15th, 2024. She's always hated me. I finally accepted this fact. I haven't changed my telephone number yet, but........I will. When I do, I know that I will never see her again. .,.................... Head hung low in tears. Giving in
I hear you LOUD and CLEAR. My experiences as well. I just walk away from it all. They are not worth it.
Daughters are hard and I've had to distance myself.
It's distance or my sanity.
@@charlottehanna790 Is she older or younger than you, Charlotte?
Gosh yes my own sister is so krass and rude I would never have picked her for a sister. Had to set boundaries ok that for my own sanity. Can't confront her she won't hear it.
Raised by narcissistic mother .. family scapegoat… I never got the proper help … educated my self got a university degree some good jobs but ultimately couldn’t hang on to them.. all relationships negative.. people don’t seem to like me… I’m struggling.. I just reflect and see nothing but a broken life.. struggles .. tried to do self help route.. some professionals.. but never found someone who specialized in narcissistic abuse… some days I feel like I can’t breath… this video really hit home… looking for help… late 50s thought I would have managed it better.. just real so alone…
❤you are not alone.......well done for getting a university degree!! 😊
It is a cold, cruel world. It's just that you see it for what it is. Meanwhile, be your own best friend. You got this far. You are Not living a lie like so many do. You are enough. You are worthy.
@@karenlewkowitz5858 thank you … I will try to believe your kind words.. feeling really beaten down.. your words mean a lot..
I am 100% with you on every word except it came from my father. Now, at almost 60, I am isolated and alone. I am hanging in there, though, and I hope you are too.
Trauma-driven thinking can be discouraging. But never forget: Healing is possible! If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
10:19 yes I’m carrying an abandonment wound. Honestly at this point I’d rather be alone than put up with bad “friends.”
Thanks so much for this. I find I used to be surrounded by heartless, mean people, still am.. but the difference now is that I do not allow them into my inner circle. When we are nice and good people... toxic predatory people who study others see that and see it as a weakness to take advantage of... I used to think everyone had potential and would be or could be somewhat kind back towards my kindness. Now the minute I see any vampiric, user style mean behaviours I am done! I am rather isolated and love my pets and my own company. I confront people in gentleness and love but if they become offensive instead of accountable I am also done. I have taken a big step back and with clarity now I choose being alone any day over spending even very little time with unauthentic mean people. The sad thing I have been able to realise is that true, authentic and kind people are very rare. Very rare are real diamonds in a world of cubic zircons.
I’m getting so much better at spotting the red flags in new acquaintances. I’m finally in contact with my bodies signals for the first time in my life and it vividly shows me when someone either oversteps my boundaries or that their morals don’t align with mine. It’s hard though, and I find myself constantly debating between the side that feels lonely and longs for human connection and the side that’s aware and who finally feels comfortable in her own skin (and company)! Being 39, actively healing from childhood trauma + 1 year post an eight year relationship with a covert narcissist, I see everything so clearly now! I’m not afraid of anything anymore and I finally feel a sense of peace and hope for the future. Your videos have been very helpful this year. Thank you! ❤
Well done for learning this relatively early in life
@@pixie3458 thank you ❤️
Well said...I can relate. This channel has helped me so much.❤
Anna is crazy wise. I really get her advice.
❤❤❤❤100%
You are speaking my life story. I realized that it was all I knew growing up. As I began to experience anger and resistance, I was awkward and anxious as I tried to develop boundaries. I feel like I am finally getting a sense of self-acceptance with my "no thank you." (Period). I am making some wonderful friends. I love your transparency.
I recently said to my therapist I thought that everyone had lost their sense of humor. She called me out on it and said, "No, we're out here, joking and laughing, you just have to keep trying to find us..."
Or maybe I dont find most people funny at all.. Especially if you are in survival mode
That's mean in itself!
Another problem is that after some time, we often forget how badly they treated us... I believe it's a huge issue for empaths/good-hearted people since we don't want to have conflicts with anyone, all we crave is peace, love, and harmony in our lives... I've noticed that I easily forget people's bad behavior, which is why I tend to let them come back into my life, and then I open my eyes again and think why did I make this mistake again... An evil circle... This is what I should work more on... To be able to draw a strict line and say no, enough is enough, and never go back or feel pity for them. We may not believe in words or actions, but if it's a pattern, it's probably not going to change unless the person consciously and intentionally starts working on it.
@@robertamika9903 trust me, I totally understand the "forgetting all the damage" part of it is probably self preservation, the other part is fearing the inevitable (being alone again- at least that's what it was for me)
Had to start keeping a journal and when I look back up to three years ago I'm shocked today that I EVER let it go on as long as I did ❤️🩹
People like power. If an upper hand can be taken, they’ll grab it.
Stand up for yourself and you earn respect.
Some ppl will never respect us. I self-respect.
Grabbing the upper hand - need for one-upmanship - comes from deep insecurity
Standing up for yourself won't make bullies respect you. They just change to an easier target or if not, try to see if you can be broken.
This hits home so hard. It has taken me 40 yrs to figure out that I've never ever actually had friendships that were functional relationships. Every last one only befriended me until I didn't serve a purpose for them any longer and they made no efforts to cover that crappiness up.
The only reason it's different now is because I "broke the wheel" lonely at first, I quickly found more true love in a year than what I'd ever experienced my whole life❤❤❤❤
Congratulations and blessings to you. You deserve it.
Where and how did you find true love?
@ilsedemolder3973 I found it in me. Sounds cliche but I had to lose my oldest daughter, and then lose my entire phone with contacts I've had for over 20 years. Getting a new phone and a new phone number, while that was a great loss not half as great as losing my oldest daughter, over the months I would start to see who wasn't there for me anymore and who never even reached out to me if I didn't reach out first. Fast forward 3 years later, my career is better than ever, a relationships are real and feel very different than any of the ones I've ever had before so I know they're good. And I am full different person don't even know that person anymore that I used to be for others in a negative way. Even when the bad days come and they come, so much freedom and having functional friendships and relationships. That really is true love loving yourself
@ilsedemolder3973 trust me, it wasn't easy at all. It was very painful and lonely at first The realization that others could so blatantly care less if they ever heard from me again even right after my daughter had died. It was a whole bunch of slaps in the face. A little bit of time and isolation one on one time with me a lot of inner work, and it definitely didn't happen overnight but it did happen by taking small consistent steps forward
I have been called sensitive so many times when i confront them. Like i have to just deal with their behaviour. Im so done with that
Keep confronting them. If you stop confronting, they will never develop self awareness about their own behavior.
I dealt with this so many times. People start off as though they are all for me and then they abuse the heck out of me. It hurts so bad. Worst part is I'm so forgiving and allow them to do it again. Now I just pretend like it doesn't matter and I move on. Anytime I ever try to defend myself I lose.
same because toxic people do not ever take accountability. They prefer turning it on us. We are too sensitive, blah , blah blah. Good for you to not allow it anymore.
Thanks Anna. I woke up with a lot of anger and frustration this morning and this really helped me ident and process what I was feeling, and the cause of it. A lot of the meanness that I have experienced has been very covert, a dismissiveness a what my experience and my feelings are. When people will say cliches to me like "Oh it will work out. It always does.", "See everything is going according to plan," etcetera, ad nauseum. What it feels like to me is they are saying "Shut up. I can't be bothered. I've got my own problems." I purposely don't share my feelings with most people due to this type of toxic positivity automatic response. When I hear one of these responses now, I get really pissed and I will often respond that I don't need a cliche, I need to find a solution. Sometimes the only solution in the moment is to just keep going. I feel patronized by those automatic responses. Listening to this video this morning, really helped me identify this type of treatment from others, and made more able to express how it doesn't work for me. I call it "pretend recovery/happiness/spirituality/serenity" insert whatever other word there is. It is emotional crap fitting. I've put up with it a lot from different people in the so called spiritual/recovery community, especially those in some sort of position of power, who often have a spiritual self-righteousness. It happened with my previous Al-Anon sponsor, who shut me down shortly after the loss of a long-time beloved mentor. That sponsor used the words of Al-Anon against me to put me down, dismiss me and dump me as he was too overwhelmed with what was going on in his own life. If he would have been honest with me, I would have understood and accepted that he didn't have time to sponsor me at the moment. Instead, he chose to attack and dismiss me with such cliches as "You're not ready for the program (the 4th Step), and that's okay." What I learned from the experience is that everyone has different challenges in life and different areas in need of growth. I have a pattern of putting up with people who shut me down. I wouldn't share honestly with him as I would get the lecture and the cliches. Now, I'm grateful that this happened as I am much more aware of this type of covert meanness, masquerading as "being supportive" or insert whatever phrase you want here. Lashing out at someone who has just experienced a death of loved one is unacceptable behavior, no matter how many "years of program" or "how much recovery" a person has. That is just plan mean behavior. Thanks for your forum and your insight. I really needed to be able to get clarity and put words to what I have been holding inside of me. Your video helped me identify those needs. I got you book, and I have found it really helpful. I need to pick it back up and continue reading it. Have a great day. Kevin
I absolutely do not put up with mean ppl. Even ppl who slightly cross boundaries of those I care about will get completely jettisoned. I have no time for nasty ppl ever.
I have walked away from so many people.
Just had to do it again.
Appreciate you so much & your stories have helped me !
Never thought life would be like this.
From my mom, sisters husband, daughter & son in laws. I’ve lost contact with my grandchildren.
Asked for help. You’re worth it. Smile & tell yourself “I Love You “ !
Got the right therapy !
I know that it was them. ❤Happiness is possible. Being intolerant of bad treatment. Knowing your worth. Keep smiling & take care of yourself. You deserve better. God’s grace & love has healed me.
Self care. Eat healthy foods. Exercise, get outside. Do hobbies that you can meet others with like interests. I watch a lot of comedy. Laughing has helped me a lot too.
Thank you, I’m learning from you constantly with your book & videos.
I’m powerful ❤ 🙏🕊️
You are so on target! I got tough last year after watching you and took a good look at some bad behaviour and did a friend dump. Felt sad but my life took a positive turn and those people found new "friends" to pick on. YAY me and you for your tough love for SELF preservation!!! Thank you Anna!
(Example, left a voice message about finding my cat dead and she responded laughing! Said she listened to my message in fast speed and I sounded like a chipmunk and oh yeah, sorry about your cat. She own a cat clinic and was the grief counselor. Go figure. Got Dumped)
Wow She sounds utterly and disgustingly heartless! I have had some similar cruel words of similar tone from fake friends and I dump them immediately once I see this type of sick attitude. The last one who did this to me I just stopped returning her calls and blocked her on my phone. I am so done with that level of crap! I am also completely perplexed by this toxic behaviour towards friends. No way... Do NOT accept that!
I have about 3 or 4 more meanies to get away from still. Poco a poco...(little by little). But I am so grateful to be able to, NOW, recognize the meanies and steer clear of the symptoms of that behavior.
Yep.
My experiences have always been in the church.
Praying for my husband to see the signs in the institution and to see into his own experiences to decide that worshiping in a safe environment will make all the difference.
At 43 years old I finally got to the point where I'm done ushering obligations to people that didn't earn my love and attention and time. I have learned we have only One Life to live to spend that time in a way that makes the best out of that one life.
It's means, enough to allow mean people to continue to be mean to you when you should love yourself as I've learned to love myself enough to love myself first to not feel like I'm a bad person by not giving those who were mean to me in my life and selfish to not proved that they earned the love.
I rather my feelings not be hurt than to worry about their feelings not being hurt, and for them to have hurt me my whole life trust me, their feelings won't be hurt as much as I thought it did while it let so much time being wasted.
Thanks so much for this video Anna you are God sent🎉🌿💚😏💚
Ana I'm so sorry ppl abuse u & your family didn't care. I've learned many ppl u tell your story to don't care & gaslight us. Be Blessed Fairy! Keep up the great work! Thank u so much!!!
I think I get my trauma symptoms now (with your help) but now I've had to go no contact with everyone except some Co workers that became family. But having this unfortunate giant shield means you won't accept the bs! I've gone from being super social to a happy recluse.
Your people will show up.
boundaries is key. they will be who they are, you have the choice and the right to remove them from your inner circle. I love the terminology "crap fitting". when i notice i do that i kick people out and think "nope! i no longer crap fit myself"❤
We attract our own level of wellness.
Not always, this is a common mistake. People generally don’t care for those they don’t understand. It can be indicative that you aren’t in the right circle or community.
God this is so true. It’s also due to our conditioning by family members when we are children. I think in our 50s we are better able to look back and come to terms with our failures.
And, Pray, Pray,Pray!
Thank you for making this video, it’s an extremely important topic. 💜✨
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
I know that you are being honest and telling people to stand up for themselves. There's a lot of shame in people having a past of abuse. In our culture, there is this mentality where there is so much shame even being hurt by people. So our traumatized culture has this mentality that they are in the wrong for being exploited or showing emotion. When we cross the street in my culture, it's mostly just the pedestrians who are supposed to look both ways. When we're in a fight, the goal is "don't get beat up". There is a lot of shame staying in relationships because the saying is "don't get abused". When we are born in a cult, not by our choice, the saying is "don't be a sheep". There was an ad for car thieves that stated "Here are tips from the pros themselves about how not to be a victim".
Mostly, there is so much shame for being abused by a traumatized person. Why do we use this phrase "you attract what you are?" What ever happened to the wisdom that how people treat you doesn't determine your worth? Why don't we accept that we are in toxic environments that were poor at teaching people their worth?
This woman is truly the best on the planet. I wish everybody who has had abuse could listen to her. Nobody comes close to her communication skills regarding abuse!
Wow. Thank you for the kind comment about Anna!
Nika@TeamFairy
Good grief the beginning of the video describes what Ive gone through for many years since I was in the Milwaukee Backbrace at 10 yrs old. I am learning to let go of mean people at 51 and don’t turn back! Thank you for also showing me it’s also not always about them but I need healing too and to be more reciprocal to people who are genuinely kind to me
Hello Dr. Anna, thank you for this video compilation. I've realized at the age of 33 that I had a streak of critical & mean friends in my youth and teenage years, up until young adult life. The person who I am now (with therapy, meditation & shadow work) would have NEVER been around those who I considered "friends" in the past. Looking back, I know the people in my life didn't really care about me, and/or cared about themselves and their ego more than our friendship. At this point, I would NOT be friends with those people. I have standards for true friends now, and if someone had an issue with meeting those standards? They can keep walking. I'm learning that I'd prefer my own company versus having people around who passively aggressively hate on me.
People aren't the answer. The answer is within yourself. Validate yourself don't wait for others to do it. You can do it. Believe yourself. Trust yourself. Listen to what is going on inside. Hold on for dear life and keep moving forward.
Love how you describe your own healing and so many things we can all relate to. Thank you ❤
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
For someone whos been victimised a lot, i have to say i dont tolerate mean people anymore they arent part of my life. That behavour is out in the dust bin . Im so proud 😊❤
3:37 This is also a huge problem, where people can't tolerate any kind of feedback if it isn't said the way you would talk to a little kid. We've grown so used to having our butts powdered that we don't recognize when someone is actually being a good friend. Good friends don't lie, coddle you, tell you what you want to hear, etc. We really don't give enough credit to people who truly want what's best for us because sometimes, we really do need a kind yet direct wake-up call. It's what gives healing direction at all.
Like so many here, I have a great knack for finding "friends" that absolutely treat me like sh*t and I just put up with it until I break and then it's all over and I never see or speak to them again. Such a waste of time, emotional energy, and life. Product of divorce from an alcoholic mother who abandoned me at 14 and favors her two oldest kids. They can do no wrong. I cut off all connections to my siblings after 60 years and they're all thinking, "Gee, what's his problem?". I finally set boundaries, but 40 years too late. It sucks. I'm relationally broken and as the sunset of my life comes around, I have settled with the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. I am drawn to people who will take advantage of me and treat me poorly like a moth to light.
Don't give up! Stay here and begin to heal.❤ read the posts from others for courage and possibly ideas that you could branch out & have a better life.
I'm 76 * have gone no contact a year ago. It's a blessing!
talk therapy & 12 step program " Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families meetings. I worked with their side study groups. Both were very helpful
It's never too late, is what I tell myself .
Welcome to our healing community
Thank you, Anna for your work.
My story ....
I've been under someone's thumb for 35 years ! I put up with
Verbal abuse and mistreatment all that time. I'm 76 years old . This New Years Day will be my one year anniversary of going no contact with my abusers.
My healing journey began when I started to attend the 12 step group called 'Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families ' . I participated in their side study groups.
I also went individual talk therapy.
I educated myself about people with Personality Disorders from licensed professionals.
I learned about the red flags to watch out for.
Low and behold! Some of these folks were right under my nose, sucking the life out of me.
Somewhere along the way i found Anna Runkle, thankfully!
Then finally, I chose to go no contact .
After almost one year of being free of it, it is a blessing.
Welcome to the Crappy Childhood Fairy Community , all. Let's Stay & heal together.
😢 so sad. Gone through the same. But after a break long term. I noticed friends were cruel and uncaring... I decided to cut ties not worth the heartache. They are slowly being replaced by like minded people... Please be kind to yourself, you sound a good heart to me ❤
@@dukebeach1 I am of similar age… your post is EXACTLY how I feel.. exactly!!!
"Did you ever reconcile with your best friend?
I deeply regret such losses and struggle to find peace without repairing lost connections. I'm sentimental about these things and find it hard to move on, even though others would say I should. For me, no new friend or opportunity feels the same as what was lost. When a mistake cost me something significant, I often worked desperately to regain it or find something better. Accepting loss has always been hard-I was raised to see loss as catastrophic, which shaped my belief that every significant setback marked the life I *could* have had. While I understood the need for acceptance, it took years to truly feel it. Even now, in middle age, I still struggle at times, though I can't tell if it's due to personal growth or simply lower expectations."
Bless you Anna, this video really spoke to me. The guilt and shame piece really hit home. I’ve just got out of an abusive relationship. I’ve tolerated so much bad treatment and it’s made me more ashamed. Your kindness really helps.
One of my sisters is fun to hang out with but also can be very mean. I put her on a ‘timeout’ every couple of years when it is so much. She responds with anger. She has no idea what she does. It is normal life for her to get angry at people.
I have a stepsister who sounds near identical to your own sister. These people do not and cannot understand how their behavior affects others. Her own boyfriend had to call her out to “be nice” in front of me this past Spring because of how nasty she gets. It’s definitely a “them” problem and I choose to stay away from it.
i havent spoken to my siblings in 19 years . take care of yourself.
Sounds like my sister. We don’t talk anymore either since Covid
my sister strangles me every time i go back to visit for the holidays. it took me years to remember and realize this-shes done it so many times out of nowhere and i never held her accountable. ive never even heard her utter the word “sorry.” and then i separated myself and starting remembering how she used to tattle and sell me out to our abusive mother when i did nothing wrong, and i even remembered an incident when i was 12 and she was 10 and she pushed me backward off a balcony at our aunt’s house. the reason was because i was smiling and happy. im no contact with my sister. she will never see her big sister or get anything from me ever again. i have no one to spend the holidays with and i have no friends or support due to CPTSD but at least im not actively being attacked.
@@anju8376 Ugh, I'm so sorry you went through this. All of us. I shared a womb with a sibling like this. Finally walked away and got erased. I'm sure another sibling took my place.
You express all this so well and with kindness. Thanks.
I completed the Freedom Session and then ended 7 relationships with hurtful people - so liberating! I am healing enough that I now recognize when someone is being mean, narcissistic, selfish, violated my boundaries, rude, etc. and its like the lights went on. They had mistreated and abused me for years, and I just put up with it until Freedom Session literally freed me from mean people. You are right, it was my choice to stay and then it was my choice to leave and walk away from those people and wow!
it created the space for God and Jesus to love me more, cos now my focus is on God and Jesus who love me and not on hurtful people.
Im 65 and got into the isolation so deep, i KNOW it is too late to change, its just not possible. After trying and failing so many times, it becomes worse exponentially. There is no way out because of the void. Had therapy for years, 6 different doctors, every medication, no results. Im too old and worn out to keep trying. Trying/failing makes it worse. The drawback is loneliness, but i don't even like people enough to want to connect to them.i have 2 dogs as as replacement. Although embarrassing being a shut-in, it feels safe and positive somehow.
❤❤❤
It is not too late and there are good people out there too! If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
Without trying to offend, can I recommend reading the Bible and seeking a relationship with Jesus? He knows you perfectly and loves you perfectly. When we feel like we are done, he gives us new life. I am sorry if this sounds trite, but He is truly the only one who knows our story and loves us with great compassion.
Yes, i am like a magnet!😮…or was. But I started setting boundries…and puff the mean people seem to disappear…and thank goodness for that.😊 Thank you so much crappy childhood fairy for all the wise videos. I have learned a lot to protect myself, most of all to stand up for myself and setting boundries ❤
❤Good video about mean people and why the pattern keeps repeating
I agree with you 💯 Per cent! I realised what happened to me from the age of 7 to 11 was wrong. I was also used for shop lifting when I was younger, I was threatened with my life. I was glad that I managed to get out of it due to police prevention. You are a survivor, I have done CBT counselling and I have an invisible tool belt wrapped around my head. Respect! 🤗🥰
I watched a podcast with Halsey (I'm sorry i don't remember which one) and she or the host recommended this channel which is saving my mind everyday.
For all the women out there, I would strongly recommend to read "The Art of Seductive Power by Juliet Arden".
No. I do not want to manipulate people into being my friends. I want people who want to be my friends.
@@sallyasmree4079LOL apparently those who can see through people need to learn this - how to flatter the narcissist when you know they are full of it.😢😢😢
Another great video, thank you! I'm 100% guilty of being a mean person sometime and even towards friends. Once I thought I'm a narcissist. And yes, I was being that way sometime. It was a result of things in the past - some horrible things. Now I'm a different person, much kinder in a non-pretentious way and I apologized to people who I hurt in the past. They said it was nothing, which surprised me, because I didn't think it was nothing. Eventually I started to think many of them are actually narcissists and I realized I shouldn't have apologized, because they were much worse at times. But at least it helped me close this one little chapter. Now I have to deal with a lot of other bad stuff. Good luck to everyone on their path to becoming a person they want to be - or who they were before those bad things happened.
Yes, I always felt I always attracted mean people, but I think it was more like I was being chased by them.
Me, too. They sense our vulnerability and want to take advantage in some way imo.
This is so relatable for me❤
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I don't have any mean people left in my life. I do have a couple of people who are friends but they really aren't completely safe for me to share much with them. I have one long distance friend across the country who I consider a good friend who also has a similar background. I wish I had decent friends here where I live but have trouble in this area. I just feel disappointed by so many people.
I am currently writing a book about my own trauma after struggling for 45 years as an adult. It is hard to write about but I think it is helping.
Thank you for your wisdom and kindness. It's very hard to recover from neglect when you get involved with inconsiderate and cruel.
Thank you - I needed to hear this. Whenever I spend time with my sister (most recently at Thanksgiving) I end up feeling angry, hurt, resentful and frustrated for days afterward. Just little put-downs she makes. Usually, I tell myself I'm being too sensitive or the problem must be with me. I've always been supportive of her, but in return get toxicity. Worse still, I find it very difficult to say anything; instead, I crapfit until the next time.
There are two things that kept me hanging on. They were family, and it was life long. Second, spiritually I felt like I was supposed to witness to them. Your comment regarding spiritual hit 🎯 me. I really appreciate you 💞
I have finally learned at 50ish years old to get these type of people out of my life. Sadly tolerated it from people in life thinking something was wrong with me, I can make them like me.
Just say no and move.
We have bad people and good people. Just be more aware. Xxxx❤🎉
Yup the problem label . Picked on since 3 y from older brother's. Displaced most my life ..loving my recovery 🙏 ❤
woah, I need this video. my friends have said to me before "jeez people are so mean to you, people never talk to me like that" and its not even just friends, it's coworkers and just random people around me. thank you for this validating video, I need the answers.
I feel like some people see an "easy target" in people like us because they think can get away with treating us like crap. And to some extent that might be true because we weren't really taught how to properly stand up for ourselves. Or if we did there were severe repercussions that just made it not worth the hassle. I still struggle with this myself but rather than try to be argumentative and fight back and I'm going to try simply walking away whenever I'm being disrespected.
@@thinlizzy9032great point.
Wow, this is so well-described, so point on.
I loved this video, thank you so much for speaking so openly and honestly about these topics. I loved the clarity of your tips and the fact that you talk about your personal experience, it really enriches the connection you establish with your listeners. It's great that you use your talents to help others and share knowledge. ❤
Thank you for your kind words :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Lord to the Have Mercy! 🤩
This is so helpful. Without even realizing it, I have allowed way too many mean people access to me. As I wrap up 2024, I was having the hardest time finishing up a few goals because I’m recovering from unexpected negative outcomes. Every attempt to move a new friendship or relationship with relatives forward this year has resulted in isolation. Communicating boundaries and expectations hasn’t helped. What gives me hope is knowing I can start today making different choices that will lead to better outcomes. Thank you for helping me realize this. I have a few immediate actions I can take now that will change the trajectory.
Ty for the term, “spiritual bypass.” I’ve been inflicting that BS on myself.
I've always taken abuse in stride. I'm trying to learn to recognize it and reject their treatment. I'm having to leave my family out of my life because they're the ones that treat me the worst.
This was so wonderful Fairy Anna, thank you!! Somebody gets it. Let's "Break The Spell" of Trauma, enlist support, "Break The Wheel' and "'Turn The Page"!! 😂🎉❤Nichol in Wyoming
Thank you, Anna. I've gone back to isolating after a really rough patch knocked me down hard. I keep thinking about trying to go back to socialize, but I'm drained and hurt and scared... I want to have good meaningful relationships but I can't have that if I'm going to keep hiding because I'm scared I'd say something about what goes on in my personal life inadvertently. I was conditioned to believe saying anything about the abuse is bad. My abusers cornered me with that one and I ended up falling quiet because when I tried to get help in the past I was either ignored or shamed... I feel like I have no way out... I just need a little bit of support... a little gentle voice that believes me. I know what happened to me wasn't my fault, but sometimes the gaslighting and abuse are too much to handle that I start to think that maybe it is and that I deserve it all again... I don't. I know that. I just need a bit of help from the outside to help me keep my ground until I figure out a way to escape. Don't give up. I didn't ) :)
@@roralyn I can relate. It is so hard not to isolate with all of the hate and vindictiveness of most people. I have lost so much trust in the human race. Wishing you good vibes from good people!
Thank you so much for your honesty and integrity 💓. You are an amazing Intelligent and sensitive woman ❤
I love that you made a donation PLUS INTEREST to a good cause to make restitution. ❤
Thank you! So relatable!❤😔
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
You're so wise. Thank you for making these videos.
In my experience it is more often people who are kind or smart or more attractive or some combination of positive attributes who will be targeted for abuse. It would be helpful if the public could become more educated about this unfair dynamic that goes on quietly but continuously in our culture, and to call it out when they observe it (if safe). Some of these people will stop if they sense that someone else is watching and noticing the irrationality of it.
You are such a comfort to hear you talk about things that are so true in my life and many others. Things that hold us back... Thankyou so very much for taking time to make your videos. Xx
Thank you so much! I am learning so much from you and I'm making slow progress thanks to these insightful videos!
Wonderful! Thanks for sharing and keep up the great work!
Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you so very much Anna for this wonderful talk today! You’ve hit the nail on the head!! I’ve been a terrible people pleaser for SO long. I didn’t realise what that had done to my Heart space until very recently! This talk was beautifully timed for me! Thankyou!! 🙏😇🌹🌈💕💚🦄
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I have been there and after a brain sickness and started at zero I decided to say goodbye to all of this creatures. Better peaceful alone than service bad people
I’ve noticed that your posts show up on the exact days I’m going thru the exact thing. Almost as if I’m the subject of an intervention I’m not aware of or someone close to me is asking Anna to speak on the very subject…it so bizzare…..
I did not know what one should do! Thank you for telling me!