Whenever I stand up for myself, I am berated, ostracised, and talked about. I live in a toxic village community that feels unsafe but I remind myself that at my core I'm a decent person 😢
@Channel89988 I hear you. I tried dating a guy after divorcing a narcissist who pretty much took every ounce of my energy. Turns out the new guy was love bombing me and turned out to be a predator. I now just avoid meeting new people here in the community as they're hostile towards outsiders, and I haven't dated for 2 years. Thank God for my companion animals, they save me every day. I want to move away but I'm suffering with severe fatigue from years of stress. I hear you. I really hope your situation improves. You don't deserve to be treated badly.
Im so sorry that happened😢. You dont deserve that either wish we had better experiences. The guy I thought was fine he immediately started asking me question about my body and wanted to get physical.. After we talked and then he said he only wanted instant gratification.. I almost lost all my self esteem again due to everything that happened and my loneliness.Its so not easy to trust people and after what I went through I dont trust most. Its just really not easy I hope ur situation gets better as well.
I’m completely blind, on the autism spectrum and have CPTSD. For a long time, I’ve been fitting myself to other people’s crap. I allow them to put restrictions on me about when and how I should use my accommodations and ways to regulate and navigate in this world. I’ve allowed people to suppress me of my emotions and of my needs. Well, I can no longer mask and fit into society’s norms and molds! I’m allowed to be me! I’m allowed to use the regulation tools and other accommodations I need to navigate the world! I’m quirky and a goofball, but I LOVE IT! I use sensory fidget items, but SO WHAT! I’M ME! It’s what I need, and that’s ok! I’m still worth it!
@@heedfix8465 I’m going through burnout due to masking and suppressing myself to make others comfortable and happy. I’m now realizing that it’s not working. I’m allowed to be different. It’s ok for me to be unique. Different doesn’t mean burden. I mean, it may mean that to some people. But in my world, different just means special, interesting, unique, a blessing and a gift.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I’m going to keep on working to be me, even out in the community, and if someone stares at me because I’m acting or behaving differently, well, I’m going to let them. I’ve exhausted myself and all my energy trying to act and behave normally. Well, I’m not neurotypical, nor sighted, I can’t keep pretending like I was traumatized, and that’s ok. Now it’s about not listening to the judgment of others or the judgment from myself. I’m expressing myself, I’m communicating through ways your average person doesn’t do, but I’m still doing it, and it’s not harmless.
I was a licensed Pharmacy Technician, which itself is a high stress career. I was the scapegoat and was mistreated and ostracized. It was horrible and I finally got a leave of absence because of all the trauma and stress. I decided not to go back and got another job as a checker at our local family owned market. I took a huge cut in pay but it was worth it because I was appreciated for all my hard work. I had regular customers who waited in line patiently at my check stand. I'm now 65 and retired. I have tjme for my family and two wonderful grandkids. I spend time with my friends and neighbors and enjoy my hobbies. Since I love to cook and bake, my family gets to be treated to my meals that are made with love. I encourage anybody who's in a scapegoat environment to get out of it. You deserve to be appreciated, appreciated and loved ❤
When I divorced, it took two years for me to figure out that I had been emotionally abused. I was used to it because of my mother. I realized that what I had experienced was not normal.
Yesss- it seems normal- good on you took me 6 years and having to read journals my doc made me keep - like a year or three after writing, cause we re write it in our head ….and don’t remember what happened cause the gaslighting
I hear this so much. I have chosen men in my life specifically because they were unavailable, creepy, socially and mentally inferior, even nasty and criminal - and I get it that I was being my own devil, imposing my own sentence for being a person I thought was worthy of punishment simply for existing. I am old now and it doesn't really matter anymore, but I recommend to young women who still have years ahead of them to pay close attention to the common denominator in your love relationships. That's what you have to work on. That's the start of the chain that binds you to pain.
@@MerryWidow420 I love your comment. I have also made many mistakes in relationships. I felt like I deserved to be mistreated. As I have gotten older and now a widow I am working on myself and I enjoy the peace and quiet of home
Omg! This is exactly what I have been WONDERING!!! What IS it about me that I am constantly surrounded by bullies?? However, I have finally started to accept and remove these people from my life-even sisters. Even potentially my daughter!! Thank you for this video.
My only sister and I have parted ways effective August 15th, 2024. She's always hated me. I finally accepted this fact. I haven't changed my telephone number yet, but........I will. When I do, I know that I will never see her again. .,.................... Head hung low in tears. Giving in
Raised by narcissistic mother .. family scapegoat… I never got the proper help … educated my self got a university degree some good jobs but ultimately couldn’t hang on to them.. all relationships negative.. people don’t seem to like me… I’m struggling.. I just reflect and see nothing but a broken life.. struggles .. tried to do self help route.. some professionals.. but never found someone who specialized in narcissistic abuse… some days I feel like I can’t breath… this video really hit home… looking for help… late 50s thought I would have managed it better.. just real so alone…
It is a cold, cruel world. It's just that you see it for what it is. Meanwhile, be your own best friend. You got this far. You are Not living a lie like so many do. You are enough. You are worthy.
I am 100% with you on every word except it came from my father. Now, at almost 60, I am isolated and alone. I am hanging in there, though, and I hope you are too.
Trauma-driven thinking can be discouraging. But never forget: Healing is possible! If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
i used to do this time and time again. In the last few years ive slowly gotten rid of those people . Fast forward to now i no longer keep anyone around who treat me or anyone else badly. Im learning a new me who keeps to my boundaries
I used to feel anxious around mean people growing up. I thought I was secretly attracted to them all because of how flushed and excited I would become. I now know my rapid heartrate and flushed face were actually feelings of anger at their blatant cruel behaviors. I’m still learning to avoid those kinds of people, or at the very least stop fawning over them, and welcome those I feel more at ease around.
This. We are drawn to people who mistreat us in the same way that we were mistreated as a child, because we feel this is a way to finally get those needs met. As adults we misinterpret the agitation that we feel in their presence (anger, anxiety, etc…) as attraction. Healthy attraction isn’t “fireworks” or “sparks”. It’s warm and quiet. But we don’t understand this until we start to rewire our nervous systems and start to honestly feel how bad it feels to be around toxic people. Because our survival no longer depends on desensitizing ourselves to it. But you’re right. Two decades into this, “butterflies” are warning system for me. It’s a warning that I’m in the presence of an angry, emotionally unavailable/toxic woman…and I need to move away from her. Not towards her.
I run into folks in the locker room and instantly go into grovel/fawning mode, like I'm talking to someone with superior intelligence or something and they LOVE it, then afterwards I'm like WHY? Why did I just put myself through that? They're just pretentious sanctimonious a-holes!!! 🤷
I think people in dysfunctional families are not taught how to set boundaries, what they want, their limits, to say no, or get up and leave. If you see your mom or dad with no boundaries, you don’t have skills to stand up for yourself. If you are not validated growing up, you question yourself. If you have a feeling that something’s off, but don’t know how to handle it (skills) things don’t get addressed. Mean people immediately will know an individual is not gonna put up with their crap. They test you and if you don’t have the skills, they’re gonna run all over you. I don’t think you attract mean people. I think you don’t have the skills to know how to deal with people who are trying to manipulate you.
Not even that, but if you grow up with parents who punish you for exercising boundaries instead of teaching you how to set them properly, and you consistently learn that having and setting boundaries is wrong, you learn to just stop having them because it keeps you safe.
I recently found the abusive email from my bro from 10 years ago, which prompted me going no contact. Reading it now, I can see how I'm healing. Reading it back then, I was incredibly shaken, felt deep shame, completely petrified and stifled anger. Now I read it differently. In his awful words, I see his huge entitlement, his ignorance of boundaries, and the menacing blame directed at me for his deep resentment. I've also recently finally realised how I am missing my 'core' self as I automatically 'read the room' to focus on others, and erase my sense of myself (more than just simple people pleasing). I felt like a ring donut! My point is that I realised I have both been drawn to and attracted folk who matched my childhood environment, but now that I am able to engage more with myself, I am learning to check in with myself first when I'm mixing with folk at work and play. So, I feel I send out a very different vibe, and then, get a different response from and dynamic with others. Feeling the difference is amazing and gives me hope for a better future Thank you for this perfectly timed video! 🙏
@@maddi3582 I have gone no contact with my brother… very cruel .. I shake sometimes when I think of things he has done.. his wife same.. my only sibling … I understand exactly what you are feeling
I’m getting so much better at spotting the red flags in new acquaintances. I’m finally in contact with my bodies signals for the first time in my life and it vividly shows me when someone either oversteps my boundaries or that their morals don’t align with mine. It’s hard though, and I find myself constantly debating between the side that feels lonely and longs for human connection and the side that’s aware and who finally feels comfortable in her own skin (and company)! Being 39, actively healing from childhood trauma + 1 year post an eight year relationship with a covert narcissist, I see everything so clearly now! I’m not afraid of anything anymore and I finally feel a sense of peace and hope for the future. Your videos have been very helpful this year. Thank you! ❤
It's interesting how our trauma can also create the exact opposite effect. I learned to avoid bad people like the plague. Maybe because of the striking contrast between good and bad people that was demonstrated to me a lot growing up. I watched terrible people mistreat the good people and each other, and promised myself that the former category will never have access to me. This, of course, resulted in isolation because I'm so hypersensitive to red flags and I'd rather be completely alone than risk someone bad entering my life. It's a peaceful existence and people who are with me are amazing, but I am limiting myself to a small life and missing out on many opportunities and experiences just to maintain my peacefulness.
I think sometimes you latch onto nasty people because you're used to being around a threat, so if you can SEE the threat it's actually less stressful than not being able to see the threat. And if you're traumatized, well there's always got to be a threat, right? So you tell yourself that that person who isn't threatening you is just hiding the way in which they are threatening you. Being stabbed in the back is scarier than being stabbed in the front, right? The idea of someone who isn't looking to stab you is inconceivable. And you're dead on about how being traumatized is ultimately self-absorbed. 😕Not my favorite thing to admit, but it's true.
Another problem is that after some time, we often forget how badly they treated us... I believe it's a huge issue for empaths/good-hearted people since we don't want to have conflicts with anyone, all we crave is peace, love, and harmony in our lives... I've noticed that I easily forget people's bad behavior, which is why I tend to let them come back into my life, and then I open my eyes again and think why did I make this mistake again... An evil circle... This is what I should work more on... To be able to draw a strict line and say no, enough is enough, and never go back or feel pity for them. We may not believe in words or actions, but if it's a pattern, it's probably not going to change unless the person consciously and intentionally starts working on it.
boundaries is key. they will be who they are, you have the choice and the right to remove them from your inner circle. I love the terminology "crap fitting". when i notice i do that i kick people out and think "nope! i no longer crap fit myself"❤
I recently said to my therapist I thought that everyone had lost their sense of humor. She called me out on it and said, "No, we're out here, joking and laughing, you just have to keep trying to find us..."
This hits home so hard. It has taken me 40 yrs to figure out that I've never ever actually had friendships that were functional relationships. Every last one only befriended me until I didn't serve a purpose for them any longer and they made no efforts to cover that crappiness up. The only reason it's different now is because I "broke the wheel" lonely at first, I quickly found more true love in a year than what I'd ever experienced my whole life❤❤❤❤
@ilsedemolder3973 I found it in me. Sounds cliche but I had to lose my oldest daughter, and then lose my entire phone with contacts I've had for over 20 years. Getting a new phone and a new phone number, while that was a great loss not half as great as losing my oldest daughter, over the months I would start to see who wasn't there for me anymore and who never even reached out to me if I didn't reach out first. Fast forward 3 years later, my career is better than ever, a relationships are real and feel very different than any of the ones I've ever had before so I know they're good. And I am full different person don't even know that person anymore that I used to be for others in a negative way. Even when the bad days come and they come, so much freedom and having functional friendships and relationships. That really is true love loving yourself
@ilsedemolder3973 trust me, it wasn't easy at all. It was very painful and lonely at first The realization that others could so blatantly care less if they ever heard from me again even right after my daughter had died. It was a whole bunch of slaps in the face. A little bit of time and isolation one on one time with me a lot of inner work, and it definitely didn't happen overnight but it did happen by taking small consistent steps forward
Thanks Anna. I woke up with a lot of anger and frustration this morning and this really helped me ident and process what I was feeling, and the cause of it. A lot of the meanness that I have experienced has been very covert, a dismissiveness a what my experience and my feelings are. When people will say cliches to me like "Oh it will work out. It always does.", "See everything is going according to plan," etcetera, ad nauseum. What it feels like to me is they are saying "Shut up. I can't be bothered. I've got my own problems." I purposely don't share my feelings with most people due to this type of toxic positivity automatic response. When I hear one of these responses now, I get really pissed and I will often respond that I don't need a cliche, I need to find a solution. Sometimes the only solution in the moment is to just keep going. I feel patronized by those automatic responses. Listening to this video this morning, really helped me identify this type of treatment from others, and made more able to express how it doesn't work for me. I call it "pretend recovery/happiness/spirituality/serenity" insert whatever other word there is. It is emotional crap fitting. I've put up with it a lot from different people in the so called spiritual/recovery community, especially those in some sort of position of power, who often have a spiritual self-righteousness. It happened with my previous Al-Anon sponsor, who shut me down shortly after the loss of a long-time beloved mentor. That sponsor used the words of Al-Anon against me to put me down, dismiss me and dump me as he was too overwhelmed with what was going on in his own life. If he would have been honest with me, I would have understood and accepted that he didn't have time to sponsor me at the moment. Instead, he chose to attack and dismiss me with such cliches as "You're not ready for the program (the 4th Step), and that's okay." What I learned from the experience is that everyone has different challenges in life and different areas in need of growth. I have a pattern of putting up with people who shut me down. I wouldn't share honestly with him as I would get the lecture and the cliches. Now, I'm grateful that this happened as I am much more aware of this type of covert meanness, masquerading as "being supportive" or insert whatever phrase you want here. Lashing out at someone who has just experienced a death of loved one is unacceptable behavior, no matter how many "years of program" or "how much recovery" a person has. That is just plan mean behavior. Thanks for your forum and your insight. I really needed to be able to get clarity and put words to what I have been holding inside of me. Your video helped me identify those needs. I got you book, and I have found it really helpful. I need to pick it back up and continue reading it. Have a great day. Kevin
Hello Dr. Anna, thank you for this video compilation. I've realized at the age of 33 that I had a streak of critical & mean friends in my youth and teenage years, up until young adult life. The person who I am now (with therapy, meditation & shadow work) would have NEVER been around those who I considered "friends" in the past. Looking back, I know the people in my life didn't really care about me, and/or cared about themselves and their ego more than our friendship. At this point, I would NOT be friends with those people. I have standards for true friends now, and if someone had an issue with meeting those standards? They can keep walking. I'm learning that I'd prefer my own company versus having people around who passively aggressively hate on me.
I have family members that do this a childhood friend told me how terribly they were talking about me and how he had to stand up for me. I don't deal with them at all.
I have finally learned at 50ish years old to get these type of people out of my life. Sadly tolerated it from people in life thinking something was wrong with me, I can make them like me.
I have about 3 or 4 more meanies to get away from still. Poco a poco...(little by little). But I am so grateful to be able to, NOW, recognize the meanies and steer clear of the symptoms of that behavior.
Ana I'm so sorry ppl abuse u & your family didn't care. I've learned many ppl u tell your story to don't care & gaslight us. Be Blessed Fairy! Keep up the great work! Thank u so much!!!
At 43 years old I finally got to the point where I'm done ushering obligations to people that didn't earn my love and attention and time. I have learned we have only One Life to live to spend that time in a way that makes the best out of that one life. It's means, enough to allow mean people to continue to be mean to you when you should love yourself as I've learned to love myself enough to love myself first to not feel like I'm a bad person by not giving those who were mean to me in my life and selfish to not proved that they earned the love. I rather my feelings not be hurt than to worry about their feelings not being hurt, and for them to have hurt me my whole life trust me, their feelings won't be hurt as much as I thought it did while it let so much time being wasted. Thanks so much for this video Anna you are God sent🎉🌿💚😏💚
I absolutely do not put up with mean ppl. Even ppl who slightly cross boundaries of those I care about will get completely jettisoned. I have no time for nasty ppl ever.
I think I get my trauma symptoms now (with your help) but now I've had to go no contact with everyone except some Co workers that became family. But having this unfortunate giant shield means you won't accept the bs! I've gone from being super social to a happy recluse.
One of my sisters is fun to hang out with but also can be very mean. I put her on a ‘timeout’ every couple of years when it is so much. She responds with anger. She has no idea what she does. It is normal life for her to get angry at people.
I have a stepsister who sounds near identical to your own sister. These people do not and cannot understand how their behavior affects others. Her own boyfriend had to call her out to “be nice” in front of me this past Spring because of how nasty she gets. It’s definitely a “them” problem and I choose to stay away from it.
my sister strangles me every time i go back to visit for the holidays. it took me years to remember and realize this-shes done it so many times out of nowhere and i never held her accountable. ive never even heard her utter the word “sorry.” and then i separated myself and starting remembering how she used to tattle and sell me out to our abusive mother when i did nothing wrong, and i even remembered an incident when i was 12 and she was 10 and she pushed me backward off a balcony at our aunt’s house. the reason was because i was smiling and happy. im no contact with my sister. she will never see her big sister or get anything from me ever again. i have no one to spend the holidays with and i have no friends or support due to CPTSD but at least im not actively being attacked.
@@anju8376 Ugh, I'm so sorry you went through this. All of us. I shared a womb with a sibling like this. Finally walked away and got erased. I'm sure another sibling took my place.
Good grief the beginning of the video describes what Ive gone through for many years since I was in the Milwaukee Backbrace at 10 yrs old. I am learning to let go of mean people at 51 and don’t turn back! Thank you for also showing me it’s also not always about them but I need healing too and to be more reciprocal to people who are genuinely kind to me
I know that you are being honest and telling people to stand up for themselves. There's a lot of shame in people having a past of abuse. In our culture, there is this mentality where there is so much shame even being hurt by people. So our traumatized culture has this mentality that they are in the wrong for being exploited or showing emotion. When we cross the street in my culture, it's mostly just the pedestrians who are supposed to look both ways. When we're in a fight, the goal is "don't get beat up". There is a lot of shame staying in relationships because the saying is "don't get abused". When we are born in a cult, not by our choice, the saying is "don't be a sheep". There was an ad for car thieves that stated "Here are tips from the pros themselves about how not to be a victim". Mostly, there is so much shame for being abused by a traumatized person. Why do we use this phrase "you attract what you are?" What ever happened to the wisdom that how people treat you doesn't determine your worth? Why don't we accept that we are in toxic environments that were poor at teaching people their worth?
I've always taken abuse in stride. I'm trying to learn to recognize it and reject their treatment. I'm having to leave my family out of my life because they're the ones that treat me the worst.
Lord to the Have Mercy! 🤩 This is so helpful. Without even realizing it, I have allowed way too many mean people access to me. As I wrap up 2024, I was having the hardest time finishing up a few goals because I’m recovering from unexpected negative outcomes. Every attempt to move a new friendship or relationship with relatives forward this year has resulted in isolation. Communicating boundaries and expectations hasn’t helped. What gives me hope is knowing I can start today making different choices that will lead to better outcomes. Thank you for helping me realize this. I have a few immediate actions I can take now that will change the trajectory.
Thank you - I needed to hear this. Whenever I spend time with my sister (most recently at Thanksgiving) I end up feeling angry, hurt, resentful and frustrated for days afterward. Just little put-downs she makes. Usually, I tell myself I'm being too sensitive or the problem must be with me. I've always been supportive of her, but in return get toxicity. Worse still, I find it very difficult to say anything; instead, I crapfit until the next time.
Like so many here, I have a great knack for finding "friends" that absolutely treat me like sh*t and I just put up with it until I break and then it's all over and I never see or speak to them again. Such a waste of time, emotional energy, and life. Product of divorce from an alcoholic mother who abandoned me at 14 and favors her two oldest kids. They can do no wrong. I cut off all connections to my siblings after 60 years and they're all thinking, "Gee, what's his problem?". I finally set boundaries, but 40 years too late. It sucks. I'm relationally broken and as the sunset of my life comes around, I have settled with the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. I am drawn to people who will take advantage of me and treat me poorly like a moth to light.
Don't give up! Stay here and begin to heal.❤ read the posts from others for courage and possibly ideas that you could branch out & have a better life. I'm 76 * have gone no contact a year ago. It's a blessing! talk therapy & 12 step program " Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families meetings. I worked with their side study groups. Both were very helpful It's never too late, is what I tell myself . Welcome to our healing community
Thank you, Anna for your work. My story .... I've been under someone's thumb for 35 years ! I put up with Verbal abuse and mistreatment all that time. I'm 76 years old . This New Years Day will be my one year anniversary of going no contact with my abusers. My healing journey began when I started to attend the 12 step group called 'Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families ' . I participated in their side study groups. I also went individual talk therapy. I educated myself about people with Personality Disorders from licensed professionals. I learned about the red flags to watch out for. Low and behold! Some of these folks were right under my nose, sucking the life out of me. Somewhere along the way i found Anna Runkle, thankfully! Then finally, I chose to go no contact . After almost one year of being free of it, it is a blessing. Welcome to the Crappy Childhood Fairy Community , all. Let's Stay & heal together.
😢 so sad. Gone through the same. But after a break long term. I noticed friends were cruel and uncaring... I decided to cut ties not worth the heartache. They are slowly being replaced by like minded people... Please be kind to yourself, you sound a good heart to me ❤
I think this is true. I had a couple of them. Once I left one, I left them all. I didn't know that 'friend' can be a bad thing. Now having had some time for reflection, I was making myself small to make them happy, and still got put down and ridiculed. Some people have insatiable desire to one up. Don't put up with them.
woah, I need this video. my friends have said to me before "jeez people are so mean to you, people never talk to me like that" and its not even just friends, it's coworkers and just random people around me. thank you for this validating video, I need the answers.
I feel like some people see an "easy target" in people like us because they think can get away with treating us like crap. And to some extent that might be true because we weren't really taught how to properly stand up for ourselves. Or if we did there were severe repercussions that just made it not worth the hassle. I still struggle with this myself but rather than try to be argumentative and fight back and I'm going to try simply walking away whenever I'm being disrespected.
I don't have any mean people left in my life. I do have a couple of people who are friends but they really aren't completely safe for me to share much with them. I have one long distance friend across the country who I consider a good friend who also has a similar background. I wish I had decent friends here where I live but have trouble in this area. I just feel disappointed by so many people.
3:37 This is also a huge problem, where people can't tolerate any kind of feedback if it isn't said the way you would talk to a little kid. We've grown so used to having our butts powdered that we don't recognize when someone is actually being a good friend. Good friends don't lie, coddle you, tell you what you want to hear, etc. We really don't give enough credit to people who truly want what's best for us because sometimes, we really do need a kind yet direct wake-up call. It's what gives healing direction at all.
I dealt with this so many times. People start off as though they are all for me and then they abuse the heck out of me. It hurts so bad. Worst part is I'm so forgiving and allow them to do it again. Now I just pretend like it doesn't matter and I move on. Anytime I ever try to defend myself I lose.
You are such a comfort to hear you talk about things that are so true in my life and many others. Things that hold us back... Thankyou so very much for taking time to make your videos. Xx
Thank you, Anna. I've gone back to isolating after a really rough patch knocked me down hard. I keep thinking about trying to go back to socialize, but I'm drained and hurt and scared... I want to have good meaningful relationships but I can't have that if I'm going to keep hiding because I'm scared I'd say something about what goes on in my personal life inadvertently. I was conditioned to believe saying anything about the abuse is bad. My abusers cornered me with that one and I ended up falling quiet because when I tried to get help in the past I was either ignored or shamed... I feel like I have no way out... I just need a little bit of support... a little gentle voice that believes me. I know what happened to me wasn't my fault, but sometimes the gaslighting and abuse are too much to handle that I start to think that maybe it is and that I deserve it all again... I don't. I know that. I just need a bit of help from the outside to help me keep my ground until I figure out a way to escape. Don't give up. I didn't ) :)
Bless you Anna, this video really spoke to me. The guilt and shame piece really hit home. I’ve just got out of an abusive relationship. I’ve tolerated so much bad treatment and it’s made me more ashamed. Your kindness really helps.
I’ve noticed that your posts show up on the exact days I’m going thru the exact thing. Almost as if I’m the subject of an intervention I’m not aware of or someone close to me is asking Anna to speak on the very subject…it so bizzare…..
Some of this makes me feel understood. You feel like you leave it behind when its happened at home and then wonder why you experience it seemingly everywhere. It seems like people that havent been through that are treated a lot differently by the same people though. Yes the armor though I relate to. You dont always realize when people are being rude and disrespectful.
I Think we tend to hold on to the shame because it gives us a reason/explanation for why we were treated. Of course this is not the true reason/explanation but often the truth which is that these people are malevolent is harder to accept
~A friend calls me constantly~I really dont like talking on the phone, anyway, but i have to carry the conversation, and its exhausting~She gets worried if i dont return her calls~The point being, im starting to feel 'mean', and i dont want to get upset with her, but thats how i feel~
Love your videos and they help so much ❤you sound like you’re getting a little sick Anna, hope you’re staying warm & cosy and you’ve got loads of time to rest if you need it ❤️❤️❤️
There are two things that kept me hanging on. They were family, and it was life long. Second, spiritually I felt like I was supposed to witness to them. Your comment regarding spiritual hit 🎯 me. I really appreciate you 💞
I had severe depression for more than a decade and everyone left me. Now i am in a better place and some friends who i had in my young traumatized life and adult life and family came back. This is really weird and i have a hard time acting ''normal'' after what they did. I always wonder..do they know what they did becouse if they know, how in the hell they have the nerve to come back like nothing ever happened...Other than them, i've got nobody in my life. (sorry, i got triggered).
If I could go back in time I would speak up immediately and calmly before it becomes a cycle ..you’ve got nothing to loose but their dominance even if it’s a boss they’ll pick an easier target.
OMG, this is my life! mean people all the time, around every corner. I'm always the one who ends up leaving the job or volunteer group, insted of the horrible person leaving.
I got abused by a client last week, lol so this video makes sense to me. I do think we should admit mankind is simply not good…then we can protect ourselves against all the bad people. If we hold onto the traditional beliefs from religious folks, it will not serve us in 2024 and beyond. Not trying to be mean at all!! I would really love to have this convo on a deeper level because i am so curious about a worldwide application of the “people are mean haters” philosophy imposed upon all of our hearts. We would build better fortresses against the hate…more and better networks for love.
My father beat me and my brother. My mother neglected the both of us. People have always treated me bad. My husband died last year and even his family started treating me bad. I haven't stole anything because of fear of being caught. I'm a hospice nurse and my patients love me and respect me but eventually the patient passes away. I don't know how to heal. The abuse won't stop until I'm dead. Thank you for your reading 😊❤
Call people out on their BS. Build boundaries where you can. Say no more, and don't go around those folks. Let them miss out on you. Don't pick up the phone, let it go to voicemail. Don't reply to texted. Be grateful for the patients,you may be the only person that has treated them well. At least they leave this earth feeling loved.
The statement " it won't stop until I'm dead " Wow! You deserve better! I tried to send a long text ,but it got lost. I've been under someone's thumb for 35 years ! I put up with Verbal abuse and mistreatment all that time. I'm 76 years old . This New Years Day will be my one year anniversary of going no contact with my abusers. My healing journey began when I started to attend the 12 step group called 'Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families ' . I participated in there side study groups. I also went individual talk therapy. Then I chose to go no contact . After almost one year of being free of it, it is a blessing. Welcome to the Crappy Childhood Fairy Community. Stay & heal with us. Hospice Nurses are on the front lines of the deep realms of the heart.❤ Thank you for your work.
@@krisredlee thank you so much ❤️ you're right about my patients, they all are loveable people and they know that I am there for them. Most of my friends and family have died or moved away. I will be retiring next Spring and I hope to do some traveling, perhaps Denmark and Copenhagen. With a little luck maybe I can make new friends.
What about the mean people who are the traumatized persons own children? This is the case with my dear friend. One of her children cannot be nice to her, and she is so heartbroken.
Well that person helped create that mean offspring. That's something to be grasped, whether it was by being a victim to an absuve spouse, so the child learned it was ok to be mean to mother etc. So no one doesn't have to be a victim to even ones own child. Set boundaries, ask for decent treatment, or diminish contact with them.
So much this. And yes even my bf says people won't put up with some of the things I do and have done because I can definitely be absorbed with my own needs in the moment and disregard others boundaries etc. But has been my supportive best friend for almost 7 years. Today he was encouraging to me because he knows I did the best with the hand I was dealt and tries to get me to have compassion for myself and he was the one who originally pointed me to your channel about ten months ago. Mean people definitely seem attracted to me especially at work in the past. I got the book but have been reading Secure Love first to improve my relationship and it's been super good too. And yes I haven't had many friends in my life frankly. Some family members are also an issue and are mean. And yes I'm the meanest to myself
Scapegoat here. I would always wonder why my friends were so mean to me. I thought it was a reflection of me. About 20 years ago, I figured out that I chose friends who were like my narc mom. I now have fewer friends but they are all kind to me.
I've segued narcissistic friends out of my life so that it's not really that noticeable. First I start by not taking every call. Then I'm not so obliging with my availability, like only after noon. I give time for person to fill void and build other friendships.
@@ilsedemolder3973 I focused more on other relationships I already had. Friends from church, Cousin, texting news to friends, join prayer group. Things like that.
Truth telling is not always required to be verbalized. Silence or a smile goes a long way. Just because we see clarity, we have no right to impose it on others. I have a lovely aunt who is the master of kindness despite what truth she sees or thinks. I wish for more of her skills.
"Do you find that you let them stay in your life" No not really. :( I just meet a lot of ppl and the ones that seem to push me to get closer end up treating me badly. By the time I notice I have zero qualms cutting ppl off in a calm and kind manner but I'm always shit talked for it. It hurts. like just treat me decently and i will keep you around forever
My longtime friend of 27 years called me a loser (she said “we’re losers). What kind of friend talks to you that way? Then I said some things back and she blocked me. If sucks I thought she was a friend but she got so hurtful. She hates her life and wanted to drag me down. I don’t need friends like that. I’m not perfect but I never would have torn her down like that.
I have no choice but to be screamed at by my friend...who I am staying with ( since my uninsured trailer was burned down by druggies in a trailer park. I was renting a space. It has been 3 years since my home was burned down. I have been trying to find my own space to rent. Problem is there are no affordable safe places to rent. So I have to take her screaming at me. My father abused me badly when I was a little girl. I attrack abusive people? My marriages were very abusive. They ended in divorce. I'm depressed and anxious.
I always assumed that most people don't think the way I do. I'm just more sensitive, so I easily get hurt. Then I hold a grudge forever. I want all the people who ever hurt me to own up to it and apologize, even though I know they never will.
How do you deal with you reconciling the shame from your past, like the shoplifting, you move on and feel better but then someone new finds out about it and feels that you should still be ashamed for yourself and that you should have to pay for that again and again and again?
Many thanks for this message Anna. I always ask, what is it about me that is threatening to them all? I just keep moving with my head held high. I keep thinking the right people will come into my life, but where are they? I finally love and accept myself and I don't mind doing things on my own. LOL
Whenever I stand up for myself, I am berated, ostracised, and talked about. I live in a toxic village community that feels unsafe but I remind myself that at my core I'm a decent person 😢
Relatable I avoid almost everyone i literally hid in my car once
@Channel89988 I'm almost a hermit now. I've hidden in my car/dived down alleyways and all sorts of avoidance tactics 🙈
@Channel89988
I hear you. I tried dating a guy after divorcing a narcissist who pretty much took every ounce of my energy. Turns out the new guy was love bombing me and turned out to be a predator. I now just avoid meeting new people here in the community as they're hostile towards outsiders, and I haven't dated for 2 years. Thank God for my companion animals, they save me every day.
I want to move away but I'm suffering with severe fatigue from years of stress.
I hear you. I really hope your situation improves. You don't deserve to be treated badly.
Im so sorry that happened😢. You dont deserve that either wish we had better experiences. The guy I thought was fine he immediately started asking me question about my body and wanted to get physical.. After we talked and then he said he only wanted instant gratification.. I almost lost all my self esteem again due to everything that happened and my loneliness.Its so not easy to trust people and after what I went through I dont trust most. Its just really not easy I hope ur situation gets better as well.
@Channel89988 it's definitely wise not to trust until proven otherwise! ❣️
I’m completely blind, on the autism spectrum and have CPTSD. For a long time, I’ve been fitting myself to other people’s crap. I allow them to put restrictions on me about when and how I should use my accommodations and ways to regulate and navigate in this world. I’ve allowed people to suppress me of my emotions and of my needs. Well, I can no longer mask and fit into society’s norms and molds! I’m allowed to be me! I’m allowed to use the regulation tools and other accommodations I need to navigate the world! I’m quirky and a goofball, but I LOVE IT! I use sensory fidget items, but SO WHAT! I’M ME! It’s what I need, and that’s ok! I’m still worth it!
Good! You have connected to yourself. Beautiful ❤
Sienna, you've been such a fun, wise and generous part of this community for a long time. Thanks for being you!
@@heedfix8465 I’m going through burnout due to masking and suppressing myself to make others comfortable and happy. I’m now realizing that it’s not working. I’m allowed to be different. It’s ok for me to be unique. Different doesn’t mean burden. I mean, it may mean that to some people. But in my world, different just means special, interesting, unique, a blessing and a gift.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I’m going to keep on working to be me, even out in the community, and if someone stares at me because I’m acting or behaving differently, well, I’m going to let them. I’ve exhausted myself and all my energy trying to act and behave normally. Well, I’m not neurotypical, nor sighted, I can’t keep pretending like I was traumatized, and that’s ok. Now it’s about not listening to the judgment of others or the judgment from myself. I’m expressing myself, I’m communicating through ways your average person doesn’t do, but I’m still doing it, and it’s not harmless.
You absolutely can Love and be Loved...This is what you deserve...always remember that God loves you and will never abandon you...
I was a licensed Pharmacy Technician, which itself is a high stress career. I was the scapegoat and was mistreated and ostracized. It was horrible and I finally got a leave of absence because of all the trauma and stress. I decided not to go back and got another job as a checker at our local family owned market. I took a huge cut in pay but it was worth it because I was appreciated for all my hard work. I had regular customers who waited in line patiently at my check stand. I'm now 65 and retired. I have tjme for my family and two wonderful grandkids. I spend time with my friends and neighbors and enjoy my hobbies. Since I love to cook and bake, my family gets to be treated to my meals that are made with love. I encourage anybody who's in a scapegoat environment to get out of it. You deserve to be appreciated, appreciated and loved ❤
Thank you for sharing your story, it's inspiring ❤
❤❤❤
I've realized I've tolerated way too much for way too long...just now learning to hold my head up & that I have choices!! ❤️🙏🏼
We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
When I divorced, it took two years for me to figure out that I had been emotionally abused. I was used to it because of my mother. I realized that what I had experienced was not normal.
Yep, this resonates. It was sad to realise that I'd (essentially) married my mother 😮
Ditto.
Yesss- it seems normal- good on you took me 6 years and having to read journals my doc made me keep - like a year or three after writing, cause we re write it in our head ….and don’t remember what happened cause the gaslighting
I hear this so much. I have chosen men in my life specifically because they were unavailable, creepy, socially and mentally inferior, even nasty and criminal - and I get it that I was being my own devil, imposing my own sentence for being a person I thought was worthy of punishment simply for existing. I am old now and it doesn't really matter anymore, but I recommend to young women who still have years ahead of them to pay close attention to the common denominator in your love relationships. That's what you have to work on. That's the start of the chain that binds you to pain.
@@MerryWidow420 I love your comment. I have also made many mistakes in relationships. I felt like I deserved to be mistreated. As I have gotten older and now a widow I am working on myself and I enjoy the peace and quiet of home
And better yet, sobriety from relationships (romance, "love," aka sex etc) to work on yourself, healing, and same sex friends.
You sound like me.
Multiple abusive marriages. I married men like my father.
Omg! This is exactly what I have been WONDERING!!! What IS it about me that I am constantly surrounded by bullies?? However, I have finally started to accept and remove these people from my life-even sisters. Even potentially my daughter!! Thank you for this video.
My only sister and I have parted ways effective August 15th, 2024. She's always hated me. I finally accepted this fact. I haven't changed my telephone number yet, but........I will. When I do, I know that I will never see her again. .,.................... Head hung low in tears. Giving in
I hear you LOUD and CLEAR. My experiences as well. I just walk away from it all. They are not worth it.
Raised by narcissistic mother .. family scapegoat… I never got the proper help … educated my self got a university degree some good jobs but ultimately couldn’t hang on to them.. all relationships negative.. people don’t seem to like me… I’m struggling.. I just reflect and see nothing but a broken life.. struggles .. tried to do self help route.. some professionals.. but never found someone who specialized in narcissistic abuse… some days I feel like I can’t breath… this video really hit home… looking for help… late 50s thought I would have managed it better.. just real so alone…
❤you are not alone.......well done for getting a university degree!! 😊
It is a cold, cruel world. It's just that you see it for what it is. Meanwhile, be your own best friend. You got this far. You are Not living a lie like so many do. You are enough. You are worthy.
@@karenlewkowitz5858 thank you … I will try to believe your kind words.. feeling really beaten down.. your words mean a lot..
I am 100% with you on every word except it came from my father. Now, at almost 60, I am isolated and alone. I am hanging in there, though, and I hope you are too.
Trauma-driven thinking can be discouraging. But never forget: Healing is possible! If you haven't already, you may want to try Anna's free course ‘The Daily Practice’. It is the technique that led to Anna’s own healing, and she uses it to this day. Here’s a link if you’re interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
i used to do this time and time again. In the last few years ive slowly gotten rid of those people . Fast forward to now i no longer keep anyone around who treat me or anyone else badly. Im learning a new me who keeps to my boundaries
❤❤❤
I used to feel anxious around mean people growing up. I thought I was secretly attracted to them all because of how flushed and excited I would become. I now know my rapid heartrate and flushed face were actually feelings of anger at their blatant cruel behaviors. I’m still learning to avoid those kinds of people, or at the very least stop fawning over them, and welcome those I feel more at ease around.
This. We are drawn to people who mistreat us in the same way that we were mistreated as a child, because we feel this is a way to finally get those needs met.
As adults we misinterpret the agitation that we feel in their presence (anger, anxiety, etc…) as attraction. Healthy attraction isn’t “fireworks” or “sparks”. It’s warm and quiet.
But we don’t understand this until we start to rewire our nervous systems and start to honestly feel how bad it feels to be around toxic people. Because our survival no longer depends on desensitizing ourselves to it.
But you’re right. Two decades into this, “butterflies” are warning system for me. It’s a warning that I’m in the presence of an angry, emotionally unavailable/toxic woman…and I need to move away from her. Not towards her.
I run into folks in the locker room and instantly go into grovel/fawning mode, like I'm talking to someone with superior intelligence or something and they LOVE it, then afterwards I'm like WHY? Why did I just put myself through that? They're just pretentious sanctimonious a-holes!!! 🤷
I think people in dysfunctional families are not taught how to set boundaries, what they want, their limits, to say no, or get up and leave. If you see your mom or dad with no boundaries, you don’t have skills to stand up for yourself. If you are not validated growing up, you question yourself. If you have a feeling that something’s off, but don’t know how to handle it (skills) things don’t get addressed.
Mean people immediately will know an individual is not gonna put up with their crap. They test you and if you don’t have the skills, they’re gonna run all over you.
I don’t think you attract mean people. I think you don’t have the skills to know how to deal with people who are trying to manipulate you.
Absolutely
Not even that, but if you grow up with parents who punish you for exercising boundaries instead of teaching you how to set them properly, and you consistently learn that having and setting boundaries is wrong, you learn to just stop having them because it keeps you safe.
I recently found the abusive email from my bro from 10 years ago, which prompted me going no contact. Reading it now, I can see how I'm healing. Reading it back then, I was incredibly shaken, felt deep shame, completely petrified and stifled anger. Now I read it differently. In his awful words, I see his huge entitlement, his ignorance of boundaries, and the menacing blame directed at me for his deep resentment.
I've also recently finally realised how I am missing my 'core' self as I automatically 'read the room' to focus on others, and erase my sense of myself (more than just simple people pleasing). I felt like a ring donut!
My point is that I realised I have both been drawn to and attracted folk who matched my childhood environment, but now that I am able to engage more with myself, I am learning to check in with myself first when I'm mixing with folk at work and play. So, I feel I send out a very different vibe, and then, get a different response from and dynamic with others.
Feeling the difference is amazing and gives me hope for a better future
Thank you for this perfectly timed video! 🙏
@@maddi3582 I have gone no contact with my brother… very cruel .. I shake sometimes when I think of things he has done.. his wife same.. my only sibling … I understand exactly what you are feeling
I’m getting so much better at spotting the red flags in new acquaintances. I’m finally in contact with my bodies signals for the first time in my life and it vividly shows me when someone either oversteps my boundaries or that their morals don’t align with mine. It’s hard though, and I find myself constantly debating between the side that feels lonely and longs for human connection and the side that’s aware and who finally feels comfortable in her own skin (and company)! Being 39, actively healing from childhood trauma + 1 year post an eight year relationship with a covert narcissist, I see everything so clearly now! I’m not afraid of anything anymore and I finally feel a sense of peace and hope for the future. Your videos have been very helpful this year. Thank you! ❤
Well done for learning this relatively early in life
@@pixie3458 thank you ❤️
Well said...I can relate. This channel has helped me so much.❤
It's interesting how our trauma can also create the exact opposite effect. I learned to avoid bad people like the plague. Maybe because of the striking contrast between good and bad people that was demonstrated to me a lot growing up. I watched terrible people mistreat the good people and each other, and promised myself that the former category will never have access to me.
This, of course, resulted in isolation because I'm so hypersensitive to red flags and I'd rather be completely alone than risk someone bad entering my life. It's a peaceful existence and people who are with me are amazing, but I am limiting myself to a small life and missing out on many opportunities and experiences just to maintain my peacefulness.
I think sometimes you latch onto nasty people because you're used to being around a threat, so if you can SEE the threat it's actually less stressful than not being able to see the threat. And if you're traumatized, well there's always got to be a threat, right? So you tell yourself that that person who isn't threatening you is just hiding the way in which they are threatening you. Being stabbed in the back is scarier than being stabbed in the front, right? The idea of someone who isn't looking to stab you is inconceivable.
And you're dead on about how being traumatized is ultimately self-absorbed. 😕Not my favorite thing to admit, but it's true.
Another problem is that after some time, we often forget how badly they treated us... I believe it's a huge issue for empaths/good-hearted people since we don't want to have conflicts with anyone, all we crave is peace, love, and harmony in our lives... I've noticed that I easily forget people's bad behavior, which is why I tend to let them come back into my life, and then I open my eyes again and think why did I make this mistake again... An evil circle... This is what I should work more on... To be able to draw a strict line and say no, enough is enough, and never go back or feel pity for them. We may not believe in words or actions, but if it's a pattern, it's probably not going to change unless the person consciously and intentionally starts working on it.
boundaries is key. they will be who they are, you have the choice and the right to remove them from your inner circle. I love the terminology "crap fitting". when i notice i do that i kick people out and think "nope! i no longer crap fit myself"❤
I recently said to my therapist I thought that everyone had lost their sense of humor. She called me out on it and said, "No, we're out here, joking and laughing, you just have to keep trying to find us..."
Or maybe I dont find most people funny at all.. Especially if you are in survival mode
I have been called sensitive so many times when i confront them. Like i have to just deal with their behaviour. Im so done with that
Keep confronting them. If you stop confronting, they will never develop self awareness about their own behavior.
This hits home so hard. It has taken me 40 yrs to figure out that I've never ever actually had friendships that were functional relationships. Every last one only befriended me until I didn't serve a purpose for them any longer and they made no efforts to cover that crappiness up.
The only reason it's different now is because I "broke the wheel" lonely at first, I quickly found more true love in a year than what I'd ever experienced my whole life❤❤❤❤
Congratulations and blessings to you. You deserve it.
Where and how did you find true love?
@ilsedemolder3973 I found it in me. Sounds cliche but I had to lose my oldest daughter, and then lose my entire phone with contacts I've had for over 20 years. Getting a new phone and a new phone number, while that was a great loss not half as great as losing my oldest daughter, over the months I would start to see who wasn't there for me anymore and who never even reached out to me if I didn't reach out first. Fast forward 3 years later, my career is better than ever, a relationships are real and feel very different than any of the ones I've ever had before so I know they're good. And I am full different person don't even know that person anymore that I used to be for others in a negative way. Even when the bad days come and they come, so much freedom and having functional friendships and relationships. That really is true love loving yourself
@ilsedemolder3973 trust me, it wasn't easy at all. It was very painful and lonely at first The realization that others could so blatantly care less if they ever heard from me again even right after my daughter had died. It was a whole bunch of slaps in the face. A little bit of time and isolation one on one time with me a lot of inner work, and it definitely didn't happen overnight but it did happen by taking small consistent steps forward
Anna is crazy wise. I really get her advice.
❤❤❤❤100%
Thanks Anna. I woke up with a lot of anger and frustration this morning and this really helped me ident and process what I was feeling, and the cause of it. A lot of the meanness that I have experienced has been very covert, a dismissiveness a what my experience and my feelings are. When people will say cliches to me like "Oh it will work out. It always does.", "See everything is going according to plan," etcetera, ad nauseum. What it feels like to me is they are saying "Shut up. I can't be bothered. I've got my own problems." I purposely don't share my feelings with most people due to this type of toxic positivity automatic response. When I hear one of these responses now, I get really pissed and I will often respond that I don't need a cliche, I need to find a solution. Sometimes the only solution in the moment is to just keep going. I feel patronized by those automatic responses. Listening to this video this morning, really helped me identify this type of treatment from others, and made more able to express how it doesn't work for me. I call it "pretend recovery/happiness/spirituality/serenity" insert whatever other word there is. It is emotional crap fitting. I've put up with it a lot from different people in the so called spiritual/recovery community, especially those in some sort of position of power, who often have a spiritual self-righteousness. It happened with my previous Al-Anon sponsor, who shut me down shortly after the loss of a long-time beloved mentor. That sponsor used the words of Al-Anon against me to put me down, dismiss me and dump me as he was too overwhelmed with what was going on in his own life. If he would have been honest with me, I would have understood and accepted that he didn't have time to sponsor me at the moment. Instead, he chose to attack and dismiss me with such cliches as "You're not ready for the program (the 4th Step), and that's okay." What I learned from the experience is that everyone has different challenges in life and different areas in need of growth. I have a pattern of putting up with people who shut me down. I wouldn't share honestly with him as I would get the lecture and the cliches. Now, I'm grateful that this happened as I am much more aware of this type of covert meanness, masquerading as "being supportive" or insert whatever phrase you want here. Lashing out at someone who has just experienced a death of loved one is unacceptable behavior, no matter how many "years of program" or "how much recovery" a person has. That is just plan mean behavior. Thanks for your forum and your insight. I really needed to be able to get clarity and put words to what I have been holding inside of me. Your video helped me identify those needs. I got you book, and I have found it really helpful. I need to pick it back up and continue reading it. Have a great day. Kevin
Hello Dr. Anna, thank you for this video compilation. I've realized at the age of 33 that I had a streak of critical & mean friends in my youth and teenage years, up until young adult life. The person who I am now (with therapy, meditation & shadow work) would have NEVER been around those who I considered "friends" in the past. Looking back, I know the people in my life didn't really care about me, and/or cared about themselves and their ego more than our friendship. At this point, I would NOT be friends with those people. I have standards for true friends now, and if someone had an issue with meeting those standards? They can keep walking. I'm learning that I'd prefer my own company versus having people around who passively aggressively hate on me.
I have family members that do this a childhood friend told me how terribly they were talking about me and how he had to stand up for me. I don't deal with them at all.
I have finally learned at 50ish years old to get these type of people out of my life. Sadly tolerated it from people in life thinking something was wrong with me, I can make them like me.
I have about 3 or 4 more meanies to get away from still. Poco a poco...(little by little). But I am so grateful to be able to, NOW, recognize the meanies and steer clear of the symptoms of that behavior.
Ana I'm so sorry ppl abuse u & your family didn't care. I've learned many ppl u tell your story to don't care & gaslight us. Be Blessed Fairy! Keep up the great work! Thank u so much!!!
At 43 years old I finally got to the point where I'm done ushering obligations to people that didn't earn my love and attention and time. I have learned we have only One Life to live to spend that time in a way that makes the best out of that one life.
It's means, enough to allow mean people to continue to be mean to you when you should love yourself as I've learned to love myself enough to love myself first to not feel like I'm a bad person by not giving those who were mean to me in my life and selfish to not proved that they earned the love.
I rather my feelings not be hurt than to worry about their feelings not being hurt, and for them to have hurt me my whole life trust me, their feelings won't be hurt as much as I thought it did while it let so much time being wasted.
Thanks so much for this video Anna you are God sent🎉🌿💚😏💚
I absolutely do not put up with mean ppl. Even ppl who slightly cross boundaries of those I care about will get completely jettisoned. I have no time for nasty ppl ever.
I think I get my trauma symptoms now (with your help) but now I've had to go no contact with everyone except some Co workers that became family. But having this unfortunate giant shield means you won't accept the bs! I've gone from being super social to a happy recluse.
Your people will show up.
Yup the problem label . Picked on since 3 y from older brother's. Displaced most my life ..loving my recovery 🙏 ❤
One of my sisters is fun to hang out with but also can be very mean. I put her on a ‘timeout’ every couple of years when it is so much. She responds with anger. She has no idea what she does. It is normal life for her to get angry at people.
I have a stepsister who sounds near identical to your own sister. These people do not and cannot understand how their behavior affects others. Her own boyfriend had to call her out to “be nice” in front of me this past Spring because of how nasty she gets. It’s definitely a “them” problem and I choose to stay away from it.
i havent spoken to my siblings in 19 years . take care of yourself.
Sounds like my sister. We don’t talk anymore either since Covid
my sister strangles me every time i go back to visit for the holidays. it took me years to remember and realize this-shes done it so many times out of nowhere and i never held her accountable. ive never even heard her utter the word “sorry.” and then i separated myself and starting remembering how she used to tattle and sell me out to our abusive mother when i did nothing wrong, and i even remembered an incident when i was 12 and she was 10 and she pushed me backward off a balcony at our aunt’s house. the reason was because i was smiling and happy. im no contact with my sister. she will never see her big sister or get anything from me ever again. i have no one to spend the holidays with and i have no friends or support due to CPTSD but at least im not actively being attacked.
@@anju8376 Ugh, I'm so sorry you went through this. All of us. I shared a womb with a sibling like this. Finally walked away and got erased. I'm sure another sibling took my place.
Thank you for making this video, it’s an extremely important topic. 💜✨
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
yeah and even people that you first trusted end up being jerks
I watched a podcast with Halsey (I'm sorry i don't remember which one) and she or the host recommended this channel which is saving my mind everyday.
Good grief the beginning of the video describes what Ive gone through for many years since I was in the Milwaukee Backbrace at 10 yrs old. I am learning to let go of mean people at 51 and don’t turn back! Thank you for also showing me it’s also not always about them but I need healing too and to be more reciprocal to people who are genuinely kind to me
I know that you are being honest and telling people to stand up for themselves. There's a lot of shame in people having a past of abuse. In our culture, there is this mentality where there is so much shame even being hurt by people. So our traumatized culture has this mentality that they are in the wrong for being exploited or showing emotion. When we cross the street in my culture, it's mostly just the pedestrians who are supposed to look both ways. When we're in a fight, the goal is "don't get beat up". There is a lot of shame staying in relationships because the saying is "don't get abused". When we are born in a cult, not by our choice, the saying is "don't be a sheep". There was an ad for car thieves that stated "Here are tips from the pros themselves about how not to be a victim".
Mostly, there is so much shame for being abused by a traumatized person. Why do we use this phrase "you attract what you are?" What ever happened to the wisdom that how people treat you doesn't determine your worth? Why don't we accept that we are in toxic environments that were poor at teaching people their worth?
Yes, I always felt I always attracted mean people, but I think it was more like I was being chased by them.
I've always taken abuse in stride. I'm trying to learn to recognize it and reject their treatment. I'm having to leave my family out of my life because they're the ones that treat me the worst.
Lord to the Have Mercy! 🤩
This is so helpful. Without even realizing it, I have allowed way too many mean people access to me. As I wrap up 2024, I was having the hardest time finishing up a few goals because I’m recovering from unexpected negative outcomes. Every attempt to move a new friendship or relationship with relatives forward this year has resulted in isolation. Communicating boundaries and expectations hasn’t helped. What gives me hope is knowing I can start today making different choices that will lead to better outcomes. Thank you for helping me realize this. I have a few immediate actions I can take now that will change the trajectory.
Thank you - I needed to hear this. Whenever I spend time with my sister (most recently at Thanksgiving) I end up feeling angry, hurt, resentful and frustrated for days afterward. Just little put-downs she makes. Usually, I tell myself I'm being too sensitive or the problem must be with me. I've always been supportive of her, but in return get toxicity. Worse still, I find it very difficult to say anything; instead, I crapfit until the next time.
Like so many here, I have a great knack for finding "friends" that absolutely treat me like sh*t and I just put up with it until I break and then it's all over and I never see or speak to them again. Such a waste of time, emotional energy, and life. Product of divorce from an alcoholic mother who abandoned me at 14 and favors her two oldest kids. They can do no wrong. I cut off all connections to my siblings after 60 years and they're all thinking, "Gee, what's his problem?". I finally set boundaries, but 40 years too late. It sucks. I'm relationally broken and as the sunset of my life comes around, I have settled with the fact that there is nothing I can do about it. I am drawn to people who will take advantage of me and treat me poorly like a moth to light.
Don't give up! Stay here and begin to heal.❤ read the posts from others for courage and possibly ideas that you could branch out & have a better life.
I'm 76 * have gone no contact a year ago. It's a blessing!
talk therapy & 12 step program " Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families meetings. I worked with their side study groups. Both were very helpful
It's never too late, is what I tell myself .
Welcome to our healing community
Thank you, Anna for your work.
My story ....
I've been under someone's thumb for 35 years ! I put up with
Verbal abuse and mistreatment all that time. I'm 76 years old . This New Years Day will be my one year anniversary of going no contact with my abusers.
My healing journey began when I started to attend the 12 step group called 'Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families ' . I participated in their side study groups.
I also went individual talk therapy.
I educated myself about people with Personality Disorders from licensed professionals.
I learned about the red flags to watch out for.
Low and behold! Some of these folks were right under my nose, sucking the life out of me.
Somewhere along the way i found Anna Runkle, thankfully!
Then finally, I chose to go no contact .
After almost one year of being free of it, it is a blessing.
Welcome to the Crappy Childhood Fairy Community , all. Let's Stay & heal together.
😢 so sad. Gone through the same. But after a break long term. I noticed friends were cruel and uncaring... I decided to cut ties not worth the heartache. They are slowly being replaced by like minded people... Please be kind to yourself, you sound a good heart to me ❤
@@dukebeach1 I am of similar age… your post is EXACTLY how I feel.. exactly!!!
This is so relatable for me❤
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
It's because I'm patient and kind. I give off that vibe, but when these silly people cross my boundaries, they learn that I am not a pushover. 😊
I think this is true. I had a couple of them. Once I left one, I left them all. I didn't know that 'friend' can be a bad thing. Now having had some time for reflection, I was making myself small to make them happy, and still got put down and ridiculed. Some people have insatiable desire to one up. Don't put up with them.
Love how you describe your own healing and so many things we can all relate to. Thank you ❤
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
woah, I need this video. my friends have said to me before "jeez people are so mean to you, people never talk to me like that" and its not even just friends, it's coworkers and just random people around me. thank you for this validating video, I need the answers.
I feel like some people see an "easy target" in people like us because they think can get away with treating us like crap. And to some extent that might be true because we weren't really taught how to properly stand up for ourselves. Or if we did there were severe repercussions that just made it not worth the hassle. I still struggle with this myself but rather than try to be argumentative and fight back and I'm going to try simply walking away whenever I'm being disrespected.
I don't have any mean people left in my life. I do have a couple of people who are friends but they really aren't completely safe for me to share much with them. I have one long distance friend across the country who I consider a good friend who also has a similar background. I wish I had decent friends here where I live but have trouble in this area. I just feel disappointed by so many people.
3:37 This is also a huge problem, where people can't tolerate any kind of feedback if it isn't said the way you would talk to a little kid. We've grown so used to having our butts powdered that we don't recognize when someone is actually being a good friend. Good friends don't lie, coddle you, tell you what you want to hear, etc. We really don't give enough credit to people who truly want what's best for us because sometimes, we really do need a kind yet direct wake-up call. It's what gives healing direction at all.
I dealt with this so many times. People start off as though they are all for me and then they abuse the heck out of me. It hurts so bad. Worst part is I'm so forgiving and allow them to do it again. Now I just pretend like it doesn't matter and I move on. Anytime I ever try to defend myself I lose.
You are such a comfort to hear you talk about things that are so true in my life and many others. Things that hold us back... Thankyou so very much for taking time to make your videos. Xx
I have been waiting to hear someone say don't tolerate mean people.
Thank you, Anna. I've gone back to isolating after a really rough patch knocked me down hard. I keep thinking about trying to go back to socialize, but I'm drained and hurt and scared... I want to have good meaningful relationships but I can't have that if I'm going to keep hiding because I'm scared I'd say something about what goes on in my personal life inadvertently. I was conditioned to believe saying anything about the abuse is bad. My abusers cornered me with that one and I ended up falling quiet because when I tried to get help in the past I was either ignored or shamed... I feel like I have no way out... I just need a little bit of support... a little gentle voice that believes me. I know what happened to me wasn't my fault, but sometimes the gaslighting and abuse are too much to handle that I start to think that maybe it is and that I deserve it all again... I don't. I know that. I just need a bit of help from the outside to help me keep my ground until I figure out a way to escape. Don't give up. I didn't ) :)
You're so wise. Thank you for making these videos.
Bless you Anna, this video really spoke to me. The guilt and shame piece really hit home. I’ve just got out of an abusive relationship. I’ve tolerated so much bad treatment and it’s made me more ashamed. Your kindness really helps.
This is so on point
I did not know what one should do! Thank you for telling me!
I love your advice and insights! 💪🏻
I’m 68 year’s old and a therapist and still fall into this.
I’ve noticed that your posts show up on the exact days I’m going thru the exact thing. Almost as if I’m the subject of an intervention I’m not aware of or someone close to me is asking Anna to speak on the very subject…it so bizzare…..
Omg-flip flop. That one hit hard.
❤Good video about mean people and why the pattern keeps repeating
Some of this makes me feel understood. You feel like you leave it behind when its happened at home and then wonder why you experience it seemingly everywhere. It seems like people that havent been through that are treated a lot differently by the same people though. Yes the armor though I relate to. You dont always realize when people are being rude and disrespectful.
I Think we tend to hold on to the shame because it gives us a reason/explanation for why we were treated. Of course this is not the true reason/explanation but often the truth which is that these people are malevolent is harder to accept
Thank you so much! I am learning so much from you and I'm making slow progress thanks to these insightful videos!
Wonderful! Thanks for sharing and keep up the great work!
Nika@TeamFairy
10:19 yes I’m carrying an abandonment wound. Honestly at this point I’d rather be alone than put up with bad “friends.”
I love that you made a donation PLUS INTEREST to a good cause to make restitution. ❤
Thank you! So relatable!❤😔
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I am currently writing a book about my own trauma after struggling for 45 years as an adult. It is hard to write about but I think it is helping.
Listening for the second time. A video that was very much needed! Very simple, but wise advice! Thank you for helping us heal and not give up! ❤❤❤
Thank you for being a part of our community :) -Calista@TeamFairy
You nailed it. Again.
I used to wonder if I had a KICK ME sign on my forehead. Sure enough… I did.
Gosh I felt the same way! "I must have 'abuse me' tattooed across my forehead! 🖐️😆
Fight the good fight. 👍🍀
~A friend calls me constantly~I really dont like talking on the phone, anyway, but i have to carry the conversation, and its exhausting~She gets worried if i dont return her calls~The point being, im starting to feel 'mean', and i dont want to get upset with her, but thats how i feel~
A good friend wouldn't expect you to put their needs over your own. Not all the time x
Love your videos and they help so much ❤you sound like you’re getting a little sick Anna, hope you’re staying warm & cosy and you’ve got loads of time to rest if you need it ❤️❤️❤️
There are two things that kept me hanging on. They were family, and it was life long. Second, spiritually I felt like I was supposed to witness to them. Your comment regarding spiritual hit 🎯 me. I really appreciate you 💞
I had severe depression for more than a decade and everyone left me. Now i am in a better place and some friends who i had in my young traumatized life and adult life and family came back. This is really weird and i have a hard time acting ''normal'' after what they did. I always wonder..do they know what they did becouse if they know, how in the hell they have the nerve to come back like nothing ever happened...Other than them, i've got nobody in my life. (sorry, i got triggered).
If I could go back in time I would speak up immediately and calmly before it becomes a cycle ..you’ve got nothing to loose but their dominance even if it’s a boss they’ll pick an easier target.
OMG, this is my life! mean people all the time, around every corner. I'm always the one who ends up leaving the job or volunteer group, insted of the horrible person leaving.
I got abused by a client last week, lol so this video makes sense to me. I do think we should admit mankind is simply not good…then we can protect ourselves against all the bad people. If we hold onto the traditional beliefs from religious folks, it will not serve us in 2024 and beyond. Not trying to be mean at all!! I would really love to have this convo on a deeper level because i am so curious about a worldwide application of the “people are mean haters” philosophy imposed upon all of our hearts. We would build better fortresses against the hate…more and better networks for love.
My father beat me and my brother. My mother neglected the both of us. People have always treated me bad. My husband died last year and even his family started treating me bad. I haven't stole anything because of fear of being caught. I'm a hospice nurse and my patients love me and respect me but eventually the patient passes away. I don't know how to heal. The abuse won't stop until I'm dead. Thank you for your reading 😊❤
My heart goes out to you. ❤️
Call people out on their BS. Build boundaries where you can. Say no more, and don't go around those folks. Let them miss out on you. Don't pick up the phone, let it go to voicemail. Don't reply to texted. Be grateful for the patients,you may be the only person that has treated them well. At least they leave this earth feeling loved.
The statement " it won't stop until I'm dead " Wow! You deserve better!
I tried to send a long text ,but it got lost.
I've been under someone's thumb for 35 years ! I put up with
Verbal abuse and mistreatment all that time. I'm 76 years old . This New Years Day will be my one year anniversary of going no contact with my abusers.
My healing journey began when I started to attend the 12 step group called 'Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families ' . I participated in there side study groups.
I also went individual talk therapy.
Then I chose to go no contact .
After almost one year of being free of it, it is a blessing.
Welcome to the Crappy Childhood Fairy Community. Stay & heal with us.
Hospice Nurses are on the front lines of the deep realms of the heart.❤ Thank you for your work.
@@krisredlee thank you so much ❤️ you're right about my patients, they all are loveable people and they know that I am there for them. Most of my friends and family have died or moved away. I will be retiring next Spring and I hope to do some traveling, perhaps Denmark and Copenhagen. With a little luck maybe I can make new friends.
@@bc5001 thank you so much ❤️
What about the mean people who are the traumatized persons own children? This is the case with my dear friend. One of her children cannot be nice to her, and she is so heartbroken.
Well that person helped create that mean offspring. That's something to be grasped, whether it was by being a victim to an absuve spouse, so the child learned it was ok to be mean to mother etc. So no one doesn't have to be a victim to even ones own child. Set boundaries, ask for decent treatment, or diminish contact with them.
SO spot on... I've never been able to figure out WHY
I can relate to this so much.
Damn i needed this
So much this. And yes even my bf says people won't put up with some of the things I do and have done because I can definitely be absorbed with my own needs in the moment and disregard others boundaries etc. But has been my supportive best friend for almost 7 years. Today he was encouraging to me because he knows I did the best with the hand I was dealt and tries to get me to have compassion for myself and he was the one who originally pointed me to your channel about ten months ago. Mean people definitely seem attracted to me especially at work in the past. I got the book but have been reading Secure Love first to improve my relationship and it's been super good too. And yes I haven't had many friends in my life frankly. Some family members are also an issue and are mean. And yes I'm the meanest to myself
Scapegoat here. I would always wonder why my friends were so mean to me. I thought it was a reflection of me. About 20 years ago, I figured out that I chose friends who were like my narc mom. I now have fewer friends but they are all kind to me.
I've segued narcissistic friends out of my life so that it's not really that noticeable. First I start by not taking every call. Then I'm not so obliging with my availability, like only after noon. I give time for person to fill void and build other friendships.
Best way, if possible. Doesn't burn bridges or create gossip.
How did you create other friendships?
@@ilsedemolder3973 I focused more on other relationships I already had. Friends from church, Cousin, texting news to friends, join prayer group. Things like that.
Oh thank you so very much❤ I really appreciate this information and is helping me realize and understand.
I left my friends because I was thinking I am too bad for them. Truthteller.
Truth telling is not always required to be verbalized. Silence or a smile goes a long way. Just because we see clarity, we have no right to impose it on others. I have a lovely aunt who is the master of kindness despite what truth she sees or thinks. I wish for more of her skills.
"Do you find that you let them stay in your life" No not really. :( I just meet a lot of ppl and the ones that seem to push me to get closer end up treating me badly. By the time I notice I have zero qualms cutting ppl off in a calm and kind manner but I'm always shit talked for it. It hurts. like just treat me decently and i will keep you around forever
My longtime friend of 27 years called me a loser (she said “we’re losers). What kind of friend talks to you that way? Then I said some things back and she blocked me. If sucks I thought she was a friend but she got so hurtful. She hates her life and wanted to drag me down. I don’t need friends like that. I’m not perfect but I never would have torn her down like that.
I have no choice but to be screamed at by my friend...who I am staying with ( since my uninsured trailer was burned down by druggies in a trailer park. I was renting a space. It has been 3 years since my home was burned down.
I have been trying to find my own space to rent. Problem is there are no affordable safe places to rent.
So I have to take her screaming at me.
My father abused me badly when I was a little girl. I attrack abusive people? My marriages were very abusive. They ended in divorce.
I'm depressed and anxious.
Clicked bc I think about this every day of my life 🙂🙂
Yep! That’s me
You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy
great (and timely!) video, thank you
I always assumed that most people don't think the way I do. I'm just more sensitive, so I easily get hurt. Then I hold a grudge forever. I want all the people who ever hurt me to own up to it and apologize, even though I know they never will.
❤Thank you so much for the work you do.
Family is the worst!
How do you deal with you reconciling the shame from your past, like the shoplifting, you move on and feel better but then someone new finds out about it and feels that you should still be ashamed for yourself and that you should have to pay for that again and again and again?
Many thanks for this message Anna. I always ask, what is it about me that is threatening to them all? I just keep moving with my head held high. I keep thinking the right people will come into my life, but where are they? I finally love and accept myself and I don't mind doing things on my own. LOL