these guys are dangerous - inviting you but then being distant in person counts as mixed signals. You are not sure if they are disinterested, too nice to say no, or it is a genuine personality trait. they make you obsess about them because they are so mysterious and you just want to solve the puzzle asap.
It’s always a struggle to figure out what the real feelings are when the actions and words don’t match up, and in this case, when the actions and emotions don’t match up
Wow what you said exactly relates to my 'ex' except for the last bit. She's married now to her cousin who she got engaged to a year and a half when we stopped seeing each other after college as we went to different universities afterwards. Had mixed signals from her back then but thinking back at it now I think her parents were hooking her up with someone in her family hence that. I'm heartbroken but God showed me she didn't turn out to be who I thought she was so just got to give it some time till I move on.
Exactly. They make you think they are just slow movers, in reality he is hoping for someone else to make their return or is bitter that he is stuck with you. Move on immediately.
Absolutely. This is actually quite damaging to the soul. I’ve noticed these unemotional types are actually just not over their exes or they are bitter.
Their attachment style has a lot to do with it IMHO. I ended my 9 month relationship recently because he kept me at arms length (he’s an avoidant dismissive). I constantly felt insecure and doubted if anything I was giving him was good enough. I never felt like his girlfriend although he made things “official”. After several talks and course corrections as well as lowering my expectations nothing changed and it was time to let him go.
Believe me you made the right decision. I was in a relationship with a DA for ten years .I didn't want to face the truth. He never had enough time for me but he was also secretive. We had an argument and ended the relationship
That's the story of my last hookup that lasted about 5 months, she was interested but kept her distant which caused me to drift away......“Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'What might have been.” Thank you Susan, you're the best!
Vrodboy, I’m sorry for this experience of yours. And I agree with the sentiment of pining over what might’ve been. I am sorry that she kept her distance and gave you no incentive to stay
She kept her distance because she wasn't interested enough, and likely had another guy she was dating or hoping to date. Women don't stay "distant" when the attraction is high.
@@eddy2561 bro, they ALL have other guys they are trying to date or get to know better, plus the Beta guy friends(if she's cute). It's called "monkeybranching" Doesn't mean they all are physically cheating, but many are.
As I have learnt and become great at it... I have zero tolerance for nonsense. This is called the power of walking away... As your value is too precious to be tampered with and embroiled in toxicity You shouldnt have to strategize to make the relationshiop work. Any type of behaviour thats not incongruent with your values and the relationship, walk away immediately. Pay attention to what people DO not what they SAY This is extremely empowering and you will start to realise your true worth and that you have so much to offer. Ultimately the person you deserve and desire will eventually come into your life. GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND YOU TOO BEAUTIFUL SUSAN!!!😘😘😘
That’s the thing, what he DID was call often, wanna hang out often, flirt relentlessly at work, give me Hugs etc. what he said was “ I don’t know what I want from you.” So if I’m only paying attention to what he does, the interest is there... soooo, I’m confused why he doesn’t know what he wants when he makes me feel like he knows exactly what he wants
Both the adviser and the advisees. If someone loves you, they'll be emotionally available to you. Being emotionally unavailable and in love can not exist in the same person at the same time. Its either they love you or they don't...Period! An emotionally unavailable person will make you feel like your basic needs are too much. Therefore, you must remain ever vigilant to see people for who they really are, pay more attention to their actions versus their words, and make sure you are not projecting "your fantasy" of what you want them to be, while ignoring the fact that they don’t even come close to the reality of your fantasy!!! Love people who love you...and not trying to change people who don't love you by trying to show them how nice you are!!!!
What a timing!! I am actually dealing with a very closed off detached busy guy who’s only consistent to his daily check ins with me...thank you Susan and you look gorgeous as always!
Hi there a jalapeño co. Isn’t synchronicity amazing? One of the first comments I read was that someone was just having this conversation when my video popped up
I am definitely doing things right! He has been opening up about his family issues, important thoughts, wanting to take photos with me and recently coming over near my workplace to have dinner. It is def slow though
This situation is very difficult. I had a relationship like this and you're right Susan it takes lots of work. And at the end it wasn't worth it for me. Unfortunately they ended up being emotionally the wrong one.
It’s nothing to do with that superficial phrases”not that interested”. If they’re not interested they won’t talk to you at all. They are interested, they do like you, but not enough to be with you. And many of them are insecure!
@@danam358 I agree with you .. the easy phrase is to say they’re not interested but the ones that are truly not interested pretty much do not reply or talk / treat one like they don’t exist .
Gosh Susan, I adore you. I know I've said it on here before but just hearing you speak on relationships helps alleviate my anxities so much. Been in my relationship 8 months now and I really, seriously would not have been able to navigate it without you. I never miss a video or a livestream. You're the best!
Shaun, Thank you for this lovely note. I really really appreciate it and congratulations on the eight months of your relationship! I’m here for you and rooting for your success.
Ive been seeing someone on and off for almost a year. He is a lot older than me and we have had a few serious talks about what we are, want, etc. He has talked about his past marriage before, so I feel that he may not be over that relationship. The guy is married to his career and works a lot, I can appreciate that since it motivates me and I myself stay very busy. He has questioned my feelings, attraction, intentions with him and might not seem to believe me. I am a lot younger, lot of admirers, busy social life, and doing good for my age. I am truly in love with this man and have showed him in many different ways. Since we are mostly a long-distance "relationship" we hardly see each other. Sometimes we will text all day long and other times we've gone a whole week without talking. He says he loves me and wants a committed relationship, talks about moving in together in a few months and how he's dying to have a child with me. He's displayed some narcissistic traits and seems emotionally distant. When do I throw the towel in? I love this man and it feels like his feelings are true, but there's a lack of commitment and consistency. My last love prior to meeting him passed away and I can not afford to have another tough heartbreak. Am I getting played? Is there hope? Should I try to just move on? Gosh, I wish people could just be honest.
This was just the story of my life, but he just went back to his girlfriend. So I see it as a rebound. Don’t let me entertain you while you wait for your girlfriend to come back.🤷🏽♀️
@GreenGoddes.75, You deserve WAY better! Sorry that happened to you. I just got played recently by a guy I was dating and feel your pain. I’m choosing celibacy now until I meet the right one. I hope you found someone great and if not, please don’t settle. You deserve to be loved and respected to the fullest 💗
This worked for me, with a best friend, but it took FIVE YEARS for her to get to the point where she wasn't doing this. It made me nuts in the interim. It was like being on a roller coaster with hills into space. Even if it's subconscious, it's really not okay to treat people like this.
It took a woman 5 years of your chasing after her before you got her....and you think you have her...? How delusional of you. You don't have that woman's heart...you only wearied her down after over-chasing her for so long...and she will get out of your clutches with any available excuse she gets....you've only set up yourself to be used and dumped .....eventually!
I do not agree with that. He wasn´t born that way. If he is willing to work on the causes they can be as good a partner as any other person. Why discard a person because they had to resort to survival mechanisms?
@@bamereg the question is if they ever change...if they do want to change, it will take them a lot of time and efforts. Can you wait out until they become different? No you can’t. You have to move on with your life and they can come back when they’re ready!
@@kiringuyen I think what Susan is saying is that if you perceive change you are on the right track. If you don't see change it's time to re-evaluate the situation. Different doesn't mean they become 100% perfect overnight. Every step to improvement is one in the right direction. If someone is really scared it will take time and effort. Why wouldn't you want to support someone you love on this path?
@@bamereg it’s just at the beginning stage of a potential relationship, it’s not someone that you “love”, yet. I think it’s too much work to start with. And believe you me, I’ve been there! It hurts more than you thought. I think they should do some inner work alone and see what future holds
I get really upset reading all these negative comments about moving forward quickly, by resistance and emotional distance ... and not giving it a real chance. Is that how the majority of daters do today? I really hope there will be more patience when / if you find a partner who is later to open up to the wounds they may have. I agree that there must be development and openness in the relationship, but it may be that a gem is hidden in the closed man or woman ... As always a superb video Susan :)
That is why clear communication is important . The emotionally distant one should be honest. Then let the other decide whether they want to stay or leave. But most emotionally distant people have the fear of fully losing the other, that is why they keep them on the hook without actually being honest and telling them what is going thru their head. They are too afraid to be fully alone.
I am the opposite. I've kept trying to connect with an emotionally unavailable partner for a long time, because I focused on the beautiful things I saw in him. And overlooked the hurtful behaviors. He is ambivalent and that's where he is at. He recently came back to me, apologized and was vulnerable explaining his behaviors but I'm not sure if that will last.
Hi Claus. Thanks for joining in the conversation here. Yes, I think we need to allow a certain amount of time for a person to know if they feel like moving forward with us. Yet, we also need to not get stuck in 'hopeful waiting." There should be postive signs on advancement, even if our new love interest is moving more slowly than we'd like...
I met an awkward, shy guy that is emotionally reserved/ distant, but is quick to try and be physical at the end of a first date- skipping over key things like a first kiss etc. In this way, he acts like a player - like he knows there is a formula he just needs to tolerate to get sex: time (a day of largely surface conversation though)+ paying for a few things= what he's really interested in i.e the woman should be receptive to my fast forward advances/ suggestions by now. Is there a term for these kind of counter intuitive type of players? If an overly confident, really hot guy did this kind of behaviour you would clearly get what his game was, but this guy's personality really masked / confused the signs.
I just ended a situation with a man who was this way. I told him it felt like he was interested in me more like a friend than romantically. He didnt answer my question he asked why i thought that. I explained he just kinda came off as not very excited about me. He didn't initiate communication after that so I gave up. People who want to date should try harder to show interest.
Hey Cristian, I’m into fashion and have the same fashion sense like Susan .... AND I also share her sensibilities toward relationships, of which I’ve acknowledged my inspiration to her as well on this channel. Fortunately, I love all people .... including my man. That being said, I don’t give a WHIT if you don’t like women Cristian.😎
Thats true. I am seeing a guy which needs lots of space and time, me also if i am honest. At first i forced a bit but then i stopped and things started to get better, we opened up to each other alooot and we still dont know what is going to be, but we both invest in relationship and go slowly but surely :) Thank you Susan great video ❤️
Very wise advice. I would add WE can’t MAKE anybody (fill-in the blank). All WE can do is create a comfortable environment in which the other human feels safe in being themselves and opening up. However, like Ms Susan said, time limit - bc is anyone here really looking for a new “project”? Many humans have low or nonexistent emotional intelligence. Sigh….
I'm going through this now. He loves to do me acts of service and make quality time, he takes action and initiative. But I always sense he's reserved, and unable to fully go for it. I love many of his traits, but I am also bothered and confused that I seem to make him shy/intimidate him. This makes me mirror feeling shy/uncertain, it kind of scares me. He is on the boundary where things are neither this nor that and nothing is clear.
@@missminti that idea pisses me off, lol. How horrible to find out they are stuck on someone from the past. This guy has been in my life for 3 yrs already. He's always pursuing me, took me vacations, introduced family, and also told me he loves me, but he never cuts to the chase the moment you'd expect it.
@@0Demiyah0 Yeah, it’s a shitty feeling for sure. But here’s the thing, men CANNOT be alone. They are not above using a woman as place holder. Even good men do this unconsciously because they are just so weak. I’m sorry it if pissed you off, but it is the absolute truth. There is someone he wants to be with more.
@@missminti this is nonsense. I am a man and I was completely single for three full years prior to my current relationship. I don’t keep in contact with my exes either.
If only love could be simple and us human beings won't get so hurt about it not working out. Still recovering from my heartbreak over the girl I liked who got married in her family. I keep saying to myself that she didn't meet my expectations
I’m in this place myself he likes to cuddle up to me . He wants to be with me , he just seems to not emotionally open up He’s been hurt and cheated on , i was going to say that be vulnerable and open ❤
Susan Winter offers good real world practical advice. I really enjoy her videos and approach to dating. I experienced something like this before, and I took this approach. I ended up over giving, functioning because it was the only way dates would happen, or conversations would occur....eventually, I had to consider my needs and investing in something with little to no mutual return. Thank you Susan!
I’m not Sigmund Freud. The emotionally distant person for me is way too tiring and my ENERGY takes a hit, and as such my interest soon takes a nose dive. I don’t find it fun to dig around in someone’s head. Next!
Fell for a guy 20 younger. Had amazing connection and then he was in jail for three months. We spoke, wrote. He always said he missed me and thought about me every day. Now he is out a couple weeks and we’ve seen each other a couple times and he seems to want to be with me but then hold back and now I feel him pulling away. He told me at first that he feels he has nothing to offer since he starting over. Try not to take all this personally
Thank you Susan 😊, I love that you address the situation from all sides and aspects in a moderate and rational manner in all your videos, I appreciate your experience and effort to guidance advices🙏🏻
I have been dating this guy for the past 4 months, I ended things a month ago and then we tried again. He said he would do more effort for me and would try to communicate better. Well he hasn't. Weeks go by that we don't see each other because he is 'too busy'. But when I ask him if he still wants to see me, he says yes. I just don't get it and it has been draining me. I'm into this guy but he is not giving me what I want and need. He breadcrumbs me only to take a few steps back after making a few forward.
Hello Susan! Something completely unrelated to your video (which I thank you very much for) BUT I wanted to say you look radiant!!! I love your channel so much and I feel so blessed to have found it. Much love
Women are like this too. I spent the better part of 2 years going through this. Finally moved on. Her brother later told me that she had been hurt badly in a previous relationship. Afterwards she said that she would never love again. She never married and that's been 50 years.
Day Andrew I don’t understand this concept at all. Guys perceive being vulnerable as being weak, fearing rejection, but for me, I view it as a sign of strength & courage. if you want to get to know, or be in a relationship with someone, vulnerability is a must.
Just outstanding...as always in all ways Miss Susan. I think this exact query and tips you shared were spot on for A LOT of people. Best to you. p.s. Fabulous share also regarding all ways to contact you and hear further
I’ve been seeing this guy for a year now but I found out he is still seeing another that he been for a years I love this guy. He is caring and he is supportive but he admitted that he can’t decide. I know sounds stupid .
I love ur intake on this BUT if the individual isn’t ready emotionally , they shouldn’t initiate anything. At least 2-3 months of probation of deciding what to do.
Leave find someone else you can’t change people period! I’ve been waiting 2 years I had to go he was wounded runner 🏃♀️! I did this for two years don’t do it!
I gave green lights and encouragement for twelve years and he finally said he was getting married to so one else. I'm glad we never so much as held hands. It's now a relief. I don't want to waste another second with such an avoidant.
I could sure use some honest advice and feedback. Long story short, I have been married to someone who has narcissistic traits. About 2 months ago we attended our 19th marriage counseling session together. At that session I told my wife that somehow our marriage needs to drastically get better quickly, or I feel we need pull the plug and end our marriage since we have been going to marriage counseling for far longer than we probably should have been going; and not much, if anything, has improved. Part of me was hopeful that this was going to be the warning shot and my wife would finally hear me; that she would finally understand that I am done with the narcissistic type of behavior, done with the mean comments, the high level of control, and being made out to feel like I am never doing the right thing, never doing it quickly enough, etc. Unfortunately, the few weeks after that counselling sessions things did not improve, they actually seemed worse. For example, one morning I started her car so it was warm for her when she left for work (which I do for her quite often). I wasn’t looking for a pat on the back, but she very rudely said “oh, thank you so much for everything you do”. One day I went and bought a shovel and salt and cleaned the ice from the sidewalk. Instead of getting any type of thanks or appreciation, she told me that it is so interesting that I had time to go to Dollar General (which is about 3 miles from our house) and buy a new shovel and salt. I got criticized for doing laundry and putting in on ‘her side’ of the bed and not having it moved off of the bed so she could lay down at night without having to touch laundry. I got criticized for having the space heater on in the living room. I got criticized for eating all the lasagna; when in fact I put it in a Tupperware container so she could take it in her lunch. I got questioned on going for a walk along the river. It was just relentless verbal attacks. By no means am I a perfect husband, I am far from it, and I have made plenty of mistakes, but I have always tried to be loving and supportive and take care of her and our kids. I have dealt with this type of narcissistic behavior for a very long time. Just another example, I recently learned why I was in severe pain for a couple of days this past summer; I was passing a 6mm kidney stone. While I was in pain, I got in a hot bath to try and alleviate some of the pain. I recall vividly her making a mean comment that I was in the bath while she was doing something for the kids. I have agonized over the decision for many months, and probably years now, but about 5 weeks ago I asked for divorce and have been moved out since that time. She said it wasn’t fair and that I blindsided her, even though we have attended those 19 marriage counseling sessions together; I reluctantly agreed to separation for now. For the last five weeks, I have been buried in loving texts, pictures of our kids and of some fun memories in the past, she sent me the wedding song that we danced too, she has been sending me quotes from the bible, she asked that I listen to various books on making marriages work, etc; she asked that I meet with our Deacon at church and attend a church marriage weekend retreat. She has buried me in a variety of ‘tactics’ to try and get me back home; she has thrown our vows in my face multiple times and said that I am destroying the kids by moving out. I have been holding strong and have not caved by moving back in; recently she has been all over the board with her comments and emotions. Seems silly talking about, but we own a car and a truck. For the last 5 weeks I have drove the truck and she has had the car. A couple of days ago she said she wants the truck, which is no problem, but I asked her why; she said she doesn’t need to answer why, she just wants it. She said she plans on keeping the truck for a few weeks since its not fair that I got to drive it for a few weeks (I don’t know the intentions of this, other than some form of power play, or maybe knowing if she has the truck, I won’t be able to use it to do things I enjoy). She also seems to be getting controlling with the kids; she told me that I am the one who decided to leave them, so its not fair for me to ever get both of our kids overnight while she is alone, since she didn’t decide to leave. I reminded her that I didn’t leave the kids, that I only left her. Shortly after making these types of comments, she follows up with a load of very nice loving texts. This is all extremely hard for me, because she occasionally acts nice and says she is willing to try and change, but seems all over the place with her comments and emotions; I’m afraid I will fall back into the trap. I worry greatly about our kids, I feel she is subjecting them to a ton of sadness and possibly emotional manipulation, with the intentions being of playing the victim card in front of the kids and trying to make them feel bad for her and make me out to look like the bad guy (she told me she is always crying in front of the kids…and even yesterday when I saw her she cried multiple times in front of the kids). Even though I asked for divorce, I still do not wish her unhappiness; I just want everyone to get along and be nice and supportive with everyone. To make matters even more frustrating, yesterday she told me she was offered a job in Michigan (about 5 hours from where we currently live in Ohio). I am settled here in Ohio now, have a good job here, etc. I am happy for her that she was offered the job, I know that is more what she wants to do versus her current job, so that part makes me happy; but come on, wanting to relocate now while we are separated. I feel like she is doing everything she can to try and make things difficult for me, especially with our 2 kids. Random place to insert this comment….but I just thought it was odd; she claims to want the marriage to work, but considering uprooting to Michigan. I manage all of our finances, yesterday she said she wants all of our bank account log in information. Which is fine, no problem, it is both of our money; I just thought it was a little odd. Not sure the intentions behind it. Maybe just wanting to see how much is there, if I have been taking any, what I have spent money on; who knows?! Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Steve, I don't usually give advice in the youtube comments but you can join my UA-cam Live Thursday's at 11am Pacific time and ask there: ua-cam.com/channels/8Jb8Z7yJS9mXqF37Dcm2HQ.html Or, here's how you can speak to me personally: www.susanwinter.net/consultation/
Good Morning, to piggy-back off my original post; I have a follow-on question to ask of everyone. Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation as mine, where you have chosen to take the big step of asking for divorce or separation, but instead ultimately decided to go ahead and give your marriage another try? If so, are you glad you did, or was it a big mistake and did it just end up making things harder for you? Or, if you held your ground and filed for divorce, were you happy with the decision or did you have regrets? Really trying to figure things out and proceed the best way possible. Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated.
I have often wondered if I am truly ‘hearing’ my wife correctly, or if I am being too sensitive and putting too much weight on her tone, body language, or comments. I recently decided to record some conversations we have had. Here is a text message I sent her this past Thursday: “Just sharing my feelings….as I sit here and think about this weekend, it was really an unfair thing for you to do; I understand it is spring break, but you just scheduled this camping trip and decided to take the boys over a holiday weekend to spend time with your parents and sisters family. If I told you I was taking the boys tomorrow to go on a trip with my parents, and we will be back on Monday, I’m not sure you would be too happy with it. So, if I want to help the boys celebrate your birthday on Saturday, and if I want to see them on Easter, I am now forced to drive and hour and a half to your campsite and spend time hanging out with your parents, as well as your sister and her kids; knowing that really isn’t an enjoyable thing for me. It just really puts me in a tough spot. Not to mention you now having an interview in northwest Ohio, as well as the interview in Michigan, without ever talking with me about it. If I said I am moving 3-5 hours away and would like to bring the boys, not sure how accepting you would be of that. I always try to be very nice and understanding and just go with the flow, but often at my own detriment. I’m happy the boys are excited to go camping this weekend; I’m just not sure how fair it was for me.” Just to add some clarity, this past weekend (Easter weekend), she decided she was going to take our two boys on a camping trip with her parents and her sister and her kids. I have an audio recording of our conversation, which was very short because we got interrupted by our son, but couldn’t figure out how to attach it to this message (I’m not sure you can). Here response to my text was: “You are not going to unload a text on me, then not discuss it. You made me cry. Why do you try and make me feel bad and bring me down. I have asked you and I discussed the trip with you, and its not fair.” Our son interrupted the conversation, at this point, so I started attending to him. Personally, I thought my text was very nice and fair, but somehow, she took it as me unloading on her and trying to make her feel bad. I just don’t understand. Another example, about 6 days ago I was talking to her about how our son’s braces are scratching his cheek. I said I would take time off of work to get him into the orthodontist for an adjustment. During this conversation, she was lying in bed, I asked her how her most recent doctor’s appointment went regarding a bruise she had on the back of her leg. She started crying and said hopefully she is dying. She said she has nobody to share things anymore with me being gone. The last few days she has been nice….it is such a roller coaster ride and makes things so confusing and hard to make a final decision on whether to divorce or give it another try. I can honestly say, I feel I do love my wife and care about her, but not in love with her, nor physically attracted to her; just trying to go about this in the most loving, caring, and supportive way; and to be certain I am making the best decision and having the least impact on the kids.
My mindset and mentality towards relationships has changed over the years, but I get very annoyed and irritated when people call in a skill set or learnable skill, it's long and difficult to explain
I'm in a relationship with a guy 2 years who never initiated anything from the start phisically . He was interested calling me messages. However when I initiated something he would back away saying im not ready finally when we got closer after 8 months. he never kisses me no hugging, no romance When I try to go close to him to kiss him he just doesn't respond.. When I ask him about it he just brushes it of, I don't do that. We are too old for romance. He is 50 I am 54. He doesn't have compassion. is dismissive . Sex is just sex no foreplay and then turn the other side to sleep.I gave him 2 years. He does seem to care though about ny everyday issues calls me every day 2-3 times just to see how I am. Nothing has changed. I had enough. If there is no romance no affection it is not a relationship.
Struggling with this too, he initiates but I'm not getting much intimacy from him and sticks to surface level topics. Also wondering if he takes a while to warm up or if he's just not that into me. Confusing.
Hi Susan. Awesome content and person! Love you so much already! Do you think the range of time maximum to give to a person that seems hot n cold is 3 months to maximum 6 ? What do you think? I know. It's hard to tell. You're fantastic x
"If it feels strange, find greener pastures" If they're being aloof, it can mean they are being cautious until they know how you think and behave - they're holding back until they've spent enough time with you to know where your head is at But if someone is aloof too long, they're gone. Life is too short to think "what are they up to? why so aloof?" all the time. It might be a control thing. "I'll create a 'mystery' about myself to keep them off balance" Forget it. "Be yourself, or be by yourself". Show me what ya got or I'm outta here. It's probably reasonable to restrain your sense of humor the first time you're together but after enough hours together, if someone is still aloof, just forget it.
I feel like perhaps I may have run into this situation with the last person I dated. She was recently out of a relationship and started dating me in October. Things were consistent and we were having fun. She would have breakdowns here and there. She opened up to me stating she had past trauma and abandonment issues and needed to put energy in herself and suggested I see other people and perhaps we should be more casual. However when asked to define casual and negotiate she stated no need to get wrapped up in the details. That confused me. When I tried to discuss this further she had an emotional outburst and said she needed space and time. Two weeks later she says she doesn’t want a relationship and that we weren’t compatible and that she was done. I’ve tried to reach out to talk but she won’t respond at all. Any suggestions would be great. I could use some help with this. Thank you
I relate to what you wrote. I met a girl in September, she was fresh out of a difficult relationship. We had almost three great months together, and suddenly she started acting different. I asked her and she said she wasn't ready for a relationship and just wanted to remain friends with benefits, to which I declined. To be honest, I feel these people simply are rebounding/using others as a stepping stone until they regain their confidence and heal their bruised ego.
Wow, I’m sorry to hear that and it definitely sounds like we’re in the same boat for sure. The funny thing is, is that I would give space no problem, and I let her know that I liked her but wanted to understand more of what was happening. I offered friendship etc, she didn’t know what she wanted but was definite on what she didn’t want. I’m still confused by all of it tbh
@@daltonedu sorry you're going through this too. This really stung me because she was the first girl I really liked in a long time. Still hurts. I guess it comes down to them just not being emotionally available at the time. Best to you
Hey Ree. Sounds like a mess to me. I think she was placing barricades in front of your forward movement the moment she began talking about trauma and pulling away. Certainly, that may indeed be true. But often times it is the prelude to a person then stating, “I need to work on myself and can’t be in a relationship.” I think you should Move on and not keep trying to reach out. She’s not ready for a relationship and doesn’t sound sufficiently interested in working to be ready for a relationship
From a guys point of view, I’ve noticed that wearing your heart on your sleeve does make you come off as needy to women and most (not all) will lose interest fast. That’s the main reason I feel we do that.
Ian, every man and women are different if someone doesn’t like you for what you are now better to find someone else. Relationship traumas also can change us with time.
If with an avoidant type, would that explain why they don't ask how I'm doing or show interest in my day? But just ask if I'm OK? She seldom asks how I am, what I've been upto or anything. I'm just trying to zip up everything before I decide to jump ship. She's naturally mysterious in what she's been doing.
@@marimar8175 Hi. No. Its taken a good few weeks to change. Quite exciting to learn things about myself and boundaries etc. I get on with people so much better now. Thanks ❤️
THIS is the tough one!!! I knew early on there was something there but I had this grown adults telling me to just be patient etc etc…. A year later she walked away. So… yeah
Emotionally Distant =unable to relate and have a Relationship. Don't be a Fixer upper.
Thank u ! They should work on themselves
😂 that’s how situationship and entanglement starts
Totally. Move on. I know from 25 years exp unfortunately…….
What is fixer upper
@@puabi666 A Woman who tries to FIX men with nothing aka....DUSTIES!
simple, they want your interest and attention but they don't want you. if a man really wants you, he will choose you
That sucks😣
Completely false! Wow u didn't understand a thing 😮
We have hearts… we also suffering… if we closed it’s not JUST because we want attention...
Spot on! 🎯
these guys are dangerous - inviting you but then being distant in person counts as mixed signals. You are not sure if they are disinterested, too nice to say no, or it is a genuine personality trait. they make you obsess about them because they are so mysterious and you just want to solve the puzzle asap.
It’s always a struggle to figure out what the real feelings are when the actions and words don’t match up, and in this case, when the actions and emotions don’t match up
Wow what you said exactly relates to my 'ex' except for the last bit. She's married now to her cousin who she got engaged to a year and a half when we stopped seeing each other after college as we went to different universities afterwards. Had mixed signals from her back then but thinking back at it now I think her parents were hooking her up with someone in her family hence that. I'm heartbroken but God showed me she didn't turn out to be who I thought she was so just got to give it some time till I move on.
Sooooo True!
Zain K wtff
Exactly. They make you think they are just slow movers, in reality he is hoping for someone else to make their return or is bitter that he is stuck with you. Move on immediately.
Big No. As an emotional person this type of guy is a red flag. It’s not enough for me. The challenge loses it’s appeal quickly.
Absolutely. This is actually quite damaging to the soul. I’ve noticed these unemotional types are actually just not over their exes or they are bitter.
Their attachment style has a lot to do with it IMHO. I ended my 9 month relationship recently because he kept me at arms length (he’s an avoidant dismissive). I constantly felt insecure and doubted if anything I was giving him was good enough. I never felt like his girlfriend although he made things “official”. After several talks and course corrections as well as lowering my expectations nothing changed and it was time to let him go.
Believe me you made the right decision. I was in a relationship with a DA for ten years .I didn't want to face the truth. He never had enough time for me but he was also secretive. We had an argument and ended the relationship
I’m glad that u let go. Open doors for someone better
That was my ex! Dismissive Avoidant/Narcissistic. Very hurtful and took a very long time to heal
I’m so sorry Stephanie that you experienced that. I know how you feel.
Stephanie how are you doin now? Just ended with my DA fwb and it hurts so much :(
That's the story of my last hookup that lasted about 5 months, she was interested but kept her distant which caused me to drift away......“Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'What might have been.” Thank you Susan, you're the best!
Vrodboy, I’m sorry for this experience of yours. And I agree with the sentiment of pining over what might’ve been. I am sorry that she kept her distance and gave you no incentive to stay
She kept her distance because she wasn't interested enough, and likely had another guy she was dating or hoping to date. Women don't stay "distant" when the attraction is high.
@@GUITARTIME2024 I know that trust is a huge issue for women and unfortunately us guys aren't always the most trustworthy bunch
@@GUITARTIME2024 No other guy, but not interested either...c'est la vie
@@eddy2561 bro, they ALL have other guys they are trying to date or get to know better, plus the Beta guy friends(if she's cute). It's called "monkeybranching" Doesn't mean they all are physically cheating, but many are.
As I have learnt and become great at it...
I have zero tolerance for nonsense. This is called the power of walking away...
As your value is too precious to be tampered with and embroiled in toxicity You shouldnt have to strategize to make the relationshiop work. Any type of behaviour thats not incongruent with your values and the relationship, walk away immediately. Pay attention to what people DO not what they SAY
This is extremely empowering and you will start to realise your true worth and that you have so much to offer.
Ultimately the person you deserve and desire will eventually come into your life.
GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND YOU TOO BEAUTIFUL SUSAN!!!😘😘😘
ADRIANO Great advice. Thanks for sharing. Xx
That’s the thing, what he DID was call often, wanna hang out often, flirt relentlessly at work, give me Hugs etc. what he said was “ I don’t know what I want from you.”
So if I’m only paying attention to what he does, the interest is there... soooo, I’m confused why he doesn’t know what he wants when he makes me feel like he knows exactly what he wants
@@cherisew Sounds like he's confused. His head is saying one thing but his heart is saying another. Both of them need to be in alignment.
@@claredodd1258 yea... I’ve only known him
Since last October... maybe it’s too soon for his heart to align but I know he hurt my feelings.
@@cherisew What does your instincts/gut say? What do you need/want? He sounds like hard work! Love isnt hard. Always put yourself first. 👍x
Both the adviser and the advisees. If someone loves you, they'll be emotionally available to you. Being emotionally unavailable and in love can not exist in the same person at the same time. Its either they love you or they don't...Period! An emotionally unavailable person will make you feel like your basic needs are too much. Therefore, you must remain ever vigilant to see people for who they really are, pay more attention to their actions versus their words, and make sure you are not projecting "your fantasy" of what you want them to be, while ignoring the fact that they don’t even come close to the reality of your fantasy!!! Love people who love you...and not trying to change people who don't love you by trying to show them how nice you are!!!!
What a timing!! I am actually dealing with a very closed off detached busy guy who’s only consistent to his daily check ins with me...thank you Susan and you look gorgeous as always!
Hi there a jalapeño co. Isn’t synchronicity amazing? One of the first comments I read was that someone was just having this conversation when my video popped up
@@SusanWinter it sure is amazing!! and your video popped up the first thing i signed in youtube as well :D
I don't know what has happened in the meantime, but at least you had daily check ins... I don't even get those and I don't know what to do
If they’re distant, they’re not interested. Just playing games. Move on 🤙🏼
Not always the case. There is LOTS of baggage that can hold them back. Still need to move on though
I am definitely doing things right! He has been opening up about his family issues, important thoughts, wanting to take photos with me and recently coming over near my workplace to have dinner. It is def slow though
Update: sorry to those who liked my comment. I ended things with said dude cos it turns out he only saw me as a friend. 😒
@@crunchybunbun I’m so sorry babe
This situation is very difficult. I had a relationship like this and you're right Susan it takes lots of work. And at the end it wasn't worth it for me. Unfortunately they ended up being emotionally the wrong one.
It takes two to make it work
Remember ...pls don’t be resentful or fixer upper
They’re just not interested in my opinion
Or they want to keep you as an option.
It’s nothing to do with that superficial phrases”not that interested”. If they’re not interested they won’t talk to you at all. They are interested, they do like you, but not enough to be with you. And many of them are insecure!
Ohh... she just found a Virgo man unfortunately! Good luck my dear .
@@luizagrant8544 - or an INTJ personality type who is under 40. They grow up SO slowly and only when forced.
@@danam358 I agree with you .. the easy phrase is to say they’re not interested but the ones that are truly not interested pretty much do not reply or talk / treat one like they don’t exist .
This is crazy, almost frightening. Just five minutes ago I started a conversation about this problem with the guy I'm dating
I love this!!!!! thanks David. We're in sync
And what did he have to say ?
@@SusanWinter 'Water slips through rocks.' I love it💜💮
Gosh Susan, I adore you. I know I've said it on here before but just hearing you speak on relationships helps alleviate my anxities so much. Been in my relationship 8 months now and I really, seriously would not have been able to navigate it without you. I never miss a video or a livestream. You're the best!
Shaun, Thank you for this lovely note. I really really appreciate it and congratulations on the eight months of your relationship! I’m here for you and rooting for your success.
Ive been seeing someone on and off for almost a year. He is a lot older than me and we have had a few serious talks about what we are, want, etc. He has talked about his past marriage before, so I feel that he may not be over that relationship. The guy is married to his career and works a lot, I can appreciate that since it motivates me and I myself stay very busy. He has questioned my feelings, attraction, intentions with him and might not seem to believe me. I am a lot younger, lot of admirers, busy social life, and doing good for my age. I am truly in love with this man and have showed him in many different ways. Since we are mostly a long-distance "relationship" we hardly see each other. Sometimes we will text all day long and other times we've gone a whole week without talking. He says he loves me and wants a committed relationship, talks about moving in together in a few months and how he's dying to have a child with me. He's displayed some narcissistic traits and seems emotionally distant. When do I throw the towel in? I love this man and it feels like his feelings are true, but there's a lack of commitment and consistency. My last love prior to meeting him passed away and I can not afford to have another tough heartbreak. Am I getting played? Is there hope? Should I try to just move on? Gosh, I wish people could just be honest.
This was just the story of my life, but he just went back to his girlfriend. So I see it as a rebound. Don’t let me entertain you while you wait for your girlfriend to come back.🤷🏽♀️
Sorry about that, J. I'm happy you're here amongst supportive people
@@SusanWinter Thank you for all that you do.
@GreenGoddes.75, You deserve WAY better! Sorry that happened to you. I just got played recently by a guy I was dating and feel your pain. I’m choosing celibacy now until I meet the right one. I hope you found someone great and if not, please don’t settle. You deserve to be loved and respected to the fullest 💗
This worked for me, with a best friend, but it took FIVE YEARS for her to get to the point where she wasn't doing this. It made me nuts in the interim. It was like being on a roller coaster with hills into space. Even if it's subconscious, it's really not okay to treat people like this.
It took a woman 5 years of your chasing after her before you got her....and you think you have her...? How delusional of you. You don't have that woman's heart...you only wearied her down after over-chasing her for so long...and she will get out of your clutches with any available excuse she gets....you've only set up yourself to be used and dumped .....eventually!
Think about this.....why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a distant and emotionally reserved man....he will always be that way.
I do not agree with that. He wasn´t born that way. If he is willing to work on the causes they can be as good a partner as any other person. Why discard a person because they had to resort to survival mechanisms?
@@bamereg the question is if they ever change...if they do want to change, it will take them a lot of time and efforts. Can you wait out until they become different? No you can’t. You have to move on with your life and they can come back when they’re ready!
@@kiringuyen I think what Susan is saying is that if you perceive change you are on the right track. If you don't see change it's time to re-evaluate the situation. Different doesn't mean they become 100% perfect overnight. Every step to improvement is one in the right direction. If someone is really scared it will take time and effort. Why wouldn't you want to support someone you love on this path?
@@bamereg it’s just at the beginning stage of a potential relationship, it’s not someone that you “love”, yet. I think it’s too much work to start with. And believe you me, I’ve been there! It hurts more than you thought. I think they should do some inner work alone and see what future holds
@@kiringuyen I know exactly how much it hurts. Don't you think I've been there too?
Thank you for all that you do, Susan. Such elegant and emotionally intelligent conversation!
Thank you so much :)
Leave them thats all
Hello Susan. Clara from NYC. Love the look. You look elegant in black
She is a beautiful lady.
Thank you Clara
I agree! Very smart
I really like her hair.
I get really upset reading all these negative comments about moving forward quickly, by resistance and emotional distance ... and not giving it a real chance.
Is that how the majority of daters do today?
I really hope there will be more patience when / if you find a partner who is later to open up to the wounds they may have.
I agree that there must be development and openness in the relationship, but it may be that a gem is hidden in the closed man or woman ...
As always a superb video Susan :)
That is why clear communication is important . The emotionally distant one should be honest.
Then let the other decide whether they want to stay or leave.
But most emotionally distant people have the fear of fully losing the other, that is why they keep them on the hook without actually being honest and telling them what is going thru their head.
They are too afraid to be fully alone.
I am the opposite. I've kept trying to connect with an emotionally unavailable partner for a long time, because I focused on the beautiful things I saw in him. And overlooked the hurtful behaviors. He is ambivalent and that's where he is at. He recently came back to me, apologized and was vulnerable explaining his behaviors but I'm not sure if that will last.
Hi Claus. Thanks for joining in the conversation here. Yes, I think we need to allow a certain amount of time for a person to know if they feel like moving forward with us. Yet, we also need to not get stuck in 'hopeful waiting." There should be postive signs on advancement, even if our new love interest is moving more slowly than we'd like...
OMG how much energy that water on the rock would need to keep on trying! When you would only want someone who's just as interested as you!
I met an awkward, shy guy that is emotionally reserved/ distant, but is quick to try and be physical at the end of a first date- skipping over key things like a first kiss etc. In this way, he acts like a player - like he knows there is a formula he just needs to tolerate to get sex: time (a day of largely surface conversation though)+ paying for a few things= what he's really interested in i.e the woman should be receptive to my fast forward advances/ suggestions by now. Is there a term for these kind of counter intuitive type of players? If an overly confident, really hot guy did this kind of behaviour you would clearly get what his game was, but this guy's personality really masked / confused the signs.
I just ended a situation with a man who was this way. I told him it felt like he was interested in me more like a friend than romantically. He didnt answer my question he asked why i thought that. I explained he just kinda came off as not very excited about me. He didn't initiate communication after that so I gave up. People who want to date should try harder to show interest.
I’ve had this twice. It’s tiring. And it’s best for me to walk away.
Susan you are so articulate
Thank you Tamilla
Susan your TAN is so fabulous with your blonde locks and black shirt. You’ve inspired me for spring already.😎
Thank you Brenda :)
Hey Cristian, I’m into fashion and have the same fashion sense like Susan .... AND I also share her sensibilities toward relationships, of which I’ve acknowledged my inspiration to her as well on this channel. Fortunately, I love all people .... including my man. That being said, I don’t give a WHIT if you don’t like women Cristian.😎
Brenda, so sorry for that guy. He was on my blocked list. Not sure how he got in again.
@@SusanWinter The troll was blowing up my inbox and I reacted. Thanks Susan👏
Yes we all met someone like this 💯
Yes
Is painful to accept such reality
Your skin is looking fabulous today, Susan.
Thank you. I think the lighting was exceptionally good. It was warm as it was late in the day /-and it gives everyone a really beautiful glow
You’re fantastic, Susan. THANK YOU, from my heart, for all the excellent, spot-on, sage, and absolutely helpful advice you give.
Thats true. I am seeing a guy which needs lots of space and time, me also if i am honest. At first i forced a bit but then i stopped and things started to get better, we opened up to each other alooot and we still dont know what is going to be, but we both invest in relationship and go slowly but surely :)
Thank you Susan great video ❤️
@scott thank you but he is not m ex and we are just going slowly :)
Sweet. ❤️🥺
I’m in the same boot, don’t give up to soon!
@@monica4141 hehe :) thanks for advice.. you too ;) let's see what happens..
What happened did you guys make it @nastjavo ?
They want tidbits of attention and care but on their convenience and measure. They HAVE to be better or you'll never be happy alongside them
Great advice! The problem is know to implement a time frame without seeming like it’s a demanding ultimatum.
Also knowing exactly how long to give.
Very wise advice. I would add WE can’t MAKE anybody (fill-in the blank). All WE can do is create a comfortable environment in which the other human feels safe in being themselves and opening up.
However, like Ms Susan said, time limit - bc is anyone here really looking for a new “project”?
Many humans have low or nonexistent emotional intelligence. Sigh….
The time frame is the key.
Too much work move on.
I'm going through this now. He loves to do me acts of service and make quality time, he takes action and initiative. But I always sense he's reserved, and unable to fully go for it. I love many of his traits, but I am also bothered and confused that I seem to make him shy/intimidate him. This makes me mirror feeling shy/uncertain, it kind of scares me. He is on the boundary where things are neither this nor that and nothing is clear.
There is someone else on his mind. I’ve been through this many times. 100% of the time it was an ex.
@@missminti that idea pisses me off, lol. How horrible to find out they are stuck on someone from the past. This guy has been in my life for 3 yrs already. He's always pursuing me, took me vacations, introduced family, and also told me he loves me, but he never cuts to the chase the moment you'd expect it.
@@0Demiyah0 Yeah, it’s a shitty feeling for sure. But here’s the thing, men CANNOT be alone. They are not above using a woman as place holder. Even good men do this unconsciously because they are just so weak. I’m sorry it if pissed you off, but it is the absolute truth. There is someone he wants to be with more.
@@missminti this is nonsense. I am a man and I was completely single for three full years prior to my current relationship. I don’t keep in contact with my exes either.
@@paddyotoole2058 Exceptions to the rule exist. You are very, very rare.
If only love could be simple and us human beings won't get so hurt about it not working out. Still recovering from my heartbreak over the girl I liked who got married in her family. I keep saying to myself that she didn't meet my expectations
I’m in this place myself he likes to cuddle up to me . He wants to be with me , he just seems to not emotionally open up
He’s been hurt and cheated on , i was going to say that be vulnerable and open ❤
Susan Winter offers good real world practical advice. I really enjoy her videos and approach to dating. I experienced something like this before, and I took this approach. I ended up over giving, functioning because it was the only way dates would happen, or conversations would occur....eventually, I had to consider my needs and investing in something with little to no mutual return. Thank you Susan!
Play out full! You mentioned a story about a friend who did and won at the end...that was my favorite video btw
Which video?
@@never2late362 why playing out full gets you the love you want ❤️
Wow Susan, u always look but you have that special glow on this capsule. Love the earrings too.
Thank you!
Susan you're always illimunating with your words and insights. I could listen to you day long.
Thank you so much :)
I’m not Sigmund Freud. The emotionally distant person for me is way too tiring and my ENERGY takes a hit, and as such my interest soon takes a nose dive. I don’t find it fun to dig around in someone’s head. Next!
Fell for a guy 20 younger. Had amazing connection and then he was in jail for three months. We spoke, wrote. He always said he missed me and thought about me every day. Now he is out a couple weeks and we’ve seen each other a couple times and he seems to want to be with me but then hold back and now I feel him pulling away. He told me at first that he feels he has nothing to offer since he starting over. Try not to take all this personally
Just be happy for the connection. Some never even get to experience that. Move on but never forget.
Thank you Susan 😊, I love that you address the situation from all sides and aspects in a moderate and rational manner in all your videos, I appreciate your experience and effort to guidance advices🙏🏻
This also goes for women too.
Looking lovely today Susan! Fantastic video :)
Thank you so much!
I have been dating this guy for the past 4 months, I ended things a month ago and then we tried again. He said he would do more effort for me and would try to communicate better. Well he hasn't. Weeks go by that we don't see each other because he is 'too busy'. But when I ask him if he still wants to see me, he says yes. I just don't get it and it has been draining me. I'm into this guy but he is not giving me what I want and need. He breadcrumbs me only to take a few steps back after making a few forward.
and how is it now?
Looking great Susan !
Hello Susan! Something completely unrelated to your video (which I thank you very much for) BUT I wanted to say you look radiant!!! I love your channel so much and I feel so blessed to have found it. Much love
Thank you Pine Xpple :)
Women are like this too. I spent the better part of 2 years going through this. Finally moved on. Her brother later told me that she had been hurt badly in a previous relationship. Afterwards she said that she would never love again. She never married and that's been 50 years.
Susan, you are so nice and articulate with these issues. It’s really helping me 🙌🏼
I'm so glad!
Gr8 one Susan...looking fantastic in black...love the still shot promo pictures of you too...
Thank you so much Sean :)
Simple you date people that are emotionally available. So many fish in the sea its a waste of time otherwise. Time is the most valuable thing.
Love the earrings Susan❤️ a lot of guys are afraid to be vulnerable.
Day Andrew I don’t understand this concept at all. Guys perceive being vulnerable as being weak, fearing rejection, but for me, I view it as a sign of strength & courage. if you want to get to know, or be in a relationship with someone, vulnerability is a must.
You look great in black Susan!
Thank you Boo Black :)
This has been very draining for me Gosh!
Just outstanding...as always in all ways Miss Susan. I think this exact query and tips
you shared were spot on for A LOT of people. Best to you.
p.s. Fabulous share also regarding all ways to contact you and hear further
Thanks! ❤️❤️
I’ve been seeing this guy for a year now but I found out he is still seeing another that he been for a years
I love this guy.
He is caring and he is supportive but he admitted that he can’t decide.
I know sounds stupid .
Hi Susan, I used the pick up line on a lady "Let me talk to you about Amway." She burst out laughing!!! :) :)
I love ur intake on this BUT if the individual isn’t ready emotionally , they shouldn’t initiate anything.
At least 2-3 months of probation of deciding what to do.
Leave find someone else you can’t change people period! I’ve been waiting 2 years I had to go he was wounded runner 🏃♀️! I did this for two years don’t do it!
I’m a new subscriber! I look forward to finding myself so I can find a good man!!
Welcome aboard! Thank you so much for subscribing :)
You help us to open our eyes and see clearly. Thanks from Sweden.
I gave green lights and encouragement for twelve years and he finally said he was getting married to so one else. I'm glad we never so much as held hands. It's now a relief. I don't want to waste another second with such an avoidant.
Susan, you look absolutely sensational 😍
Oh thank you!
I've been best friends with this girl for 6 years and I brought up being more than friends and she said she just sees me as a friend 🙃😂
6 months for me, same situation.
You were friendzoned, while she slept with others. Happens all the time.
I could sure use some honest advice and feedback. Long story short, I have been married to someone who has narcissistic traits. About 2 months ago we attended our 19th marriage counseling session together. At that session I told my wife that somehow our marriage needs to drastically get better quickly, or I feel we need pull the plug and end our marriage since we have been going to marriage counseling for far longer than we probably should have been going; and not much, if anything, has improved. Part of me was hopeful that this was going to be the warning shot and my wife would finally hear me; that she would finally understand that I am done with the narcissistic type of behavior, done with the mean comments, the high level of control, and being made out to feel like I am never doing the right thing, never doing it quickly enough, etc. Unfortunately, the few weeks after that counselling sessions things did not improve, they actually seemed worse. For example, one morning I started her car so it was warm for her when she left for work (which I do for her quite often). I wasn’t looking for a pat on the back, but she very rudely said “oh, thank you so much for everything you do”. One day I went and bought a shovel and salt and cleaned the ice from the sidewalk. Instead of getting any type of thanks or appreciation, she told me that it is so interesting that I had time to go to Dollar General (which is about 3 miles from our house) and buy a new shovel and salt. I got criticized for doing laundry and putting in on ‘her side’ of the bed and not having it moved off of the bed so she could lay down at night without having to touch laundry. I got criticized for having the space heater on in the living room. I got criticized for eating all the lasagna; when in fact I put it in a Tupperware container so she could take it in her lunch. I got questioned on going for a walk along the river. It was just relentless verbal attacks. By no means am I a perfect husband, I am far from it, and I have made plenty of mistakes, but I have always tried to be loving and supportive and take care of her and our kids. I have dealt with this type of narcissistic behavior for a very long time. Just another example, I recently learned why I was in severe pain for a couple of days this past summer; I was passing a 6mm kidney stone. While I was in pain, I got in a hot bath to try and alleviate some of the pain. I recall vividly her making a mean comment that I was in the bath while she was doing something for the kids. I have agonized over the decision for many months, and probably years now, but about 5 weeks ago I asked for divorce and have been moved out since that time. She said it wasn’t fair and that I blindsided her, even though we have attended those 19 marriage counseling sessions together; I reluctantly agreed to separation for now. For the last five weeks, I have been buried in loving texts, pictures of our kids and of some fun memories in the past, she sent me the wedding song that we danced too, she has been sending me quotes from the bible, she asked that I listen to various books on making marriages work, etc; she asked that I meet with our Deacon at church and attend a church marriage weekend retreat. She has buried me in a variety of ‘tactics’ to try and get me back home; she has thrown our vows in my face multiple times and said that I am destroying the kids by moving out. I have been holding strong and have not caved by moving back in; recently she has been all over the board with her comments and emotions. Seems silly talking about, but we own a car and a truck. For the last 5 weeks I have drove the truck and she has had the car. A couple of days ago she said she wants the truck, which is no problem, but I asked her why; she said she doesn’t need to answer why, she just wants it. She said she plans on keeping the truck for a few weeks since its not fair that I got to drive it for a few weeks (I don’t know the intentions of this, other than some form of power play, or maybe knowing if she has the truck, I won’t be able to use it to do things I enjoy). She also seems to be getting controlling with the kids; she told me that I am the one who decided to leave them, so its not fair for me to ever get both of our kids overnight while she is alone, since she didn’t decide to leave. I reminded her that I didn’t leave the kids, that I only left her. Shortly after making these types of comments, she follows up with a load of very nice loving texts. This is all extremely hard for me, because she occasionally acts nice and says she is willing to try and change, but seems all over the place with her comments and emotions; I’m afraid I will fall back into the trap. I worry greatly about our kids, I feel she is subjecting them to a ton of sadness and possibly emotional manipulation, with the intentions being of playing the victim card in front of the kids and trying to make them feel bad for her and make me out to look like the bad guy (she told me she is always crying in front of the kids…and even yesterday when I saw her she cried multiple times in front of the kids). Even though I asked for divorce, I still do not wish her unhappiness; I just want everyone to get along and be nice and supportive with everyone. To make matters even more frustrating, yesterday she told me she was offered a job in Michigan (about 5 hours from where we currently live in Ohio). I am settled here in Ohio now, have a good job here, etc. I am happy for her that she was offered the job, I know that is more what she wants to do versus her current job, so that part makes me happy; but come on, wanting to relocate now while we are separated. I feel like she is doing everything she can to try and make things difficult for me, especially with our 2 kids. Random place to insert this comment….but I just thought it was odd; she claims to want the marriage to work, but considering uprooting to Michigan. I manage all of our finances, yesterday she said she wants all of our bank account log in information. Which is fine, no problem, it is both of our money; I just thought it was a little odd. Not sure the intentions behind it. Maybe just wanting to see how much is there, if I have been taking any, what I have spent money on; who knows?! Any words of advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Steve, I don't usually give advice in the youtube comments but you can join my UA-cam Live Thursday's at 11am Pacific time and ask there: ua-cam.com/channels/8Jb8Z7yJS9mXqF37Dcm2HQ.html
Or, here's how you can speak to me personally: www.susanwinter.net/consultation/
Good Morning, to piggy-back off my original post; I have a follow-on question to ask of everyone. Is there anyone who has been in a similar situation as mine, where you have chosen to take the big step of asking for divorce or separation, but instead ultimately decided to go ahead and give your marriage another try? If so, are you glad you did, or was it a big mistake and did it just end up making things harder for you? Or, if you held your ground and filed for divorce, were you happy with the decision or did you have regrets? Really trying to figure things out and proceed the best way possible. Any thoughts or advice is greatly appreciated.
I have often wondered if I am truly ‘hearing’ my wife correctly, or if I am being too sensitive and putting too much weight on her tone, body language, or comments. I recently decided to record some conversations we have had. Here is a text message I sent her this past Thursday: “Just sharing my feelings….as I sit here and think about this weekend, it was really an unfair thing for you to do; I understand it is spring break, but you just scheduled this camping trip and decided to take the boys over a holiday weekend to spend time with your parents and sisters family. If I told you I was taking the boys tomorrow to go on a trip with my parents, and we will be back on Monday, I’m not sure you would be too happy with it. So, if I want to help the boys celebrate your birthday on Saturday, and if I want to see them on Easter, I am now forced to drive and hour and a half to your campsite and spend time hanging out with your parents, as well as your sister and her kids; knowing that really isn’t an enjoyable thing for me. It just really puts me in a tough spot. Not to mention you now having an interview in northwest Ohio, as well as the interview in Michigan, without ever talking with me about it. If I said I am moving 3-5 hours away and would like to bring the boys, not sure how accepting you would be of that. I always try to be very nice and understanding and just go with the flow, but often at my own detriment. I’m happy the boys are excited to go camping this weekend; I’m just not sure how fair it was for me.”
Just to add some clarity, this past weekend (Easter weekend), she decided she was going to take our two boys on a camping trip with her parents and her sister and her kids. I have an audio recording of our conversation, which was very short because we got interrupted by our son, but couldn’t figure out how to attach it to this message (I’m not sure you can). Here response to my text was: “You are not going to unload a text on me, then not discuss it. You made me cry. Why do you try and make me feel bad and bring me down. I have asked you and I discussed the trip with you, and its not fair.” Our son interrupted the conversation, at this point, so I started attending to him. Personally, I thought my text was very nice and fair, but somehow, she took it as me unloading on her and trying to make her feel bad. I just don’t understand.
Another example, about 6 days ago I was talking to her about how our son’s braces are scratching his cheek. I said I would take time off of work to get him into the orthodontist for an adjustment. During this conversation, she was lying in bed, I asked her how her most recent doctor’s appointment went regarding a bruise she had on the back of her leg. She started crying and said hopefully she is dying. She said she has nobody to share things anymore with me being gone.
The last few days she has been nice….it is such a roller coaster ride and makes things so confusing and hard to make a final decision on whether to divorce or give it another try. I can honestly say, I feel I do love my wife and care about her, but not in love with her, nor physically attracted to her; just trying to go about this in the most loving, caring, and supportive way; and to be certain I am making the best decision and having the least impact on the kids.
Omg that’s horrible. I just came across your comment, what happened? Did you go back or file?
My mindset and mentality towards relationships has changed over the years, but I get very annoyed and irritated when people call in a skill set or learnable skill, it's long and difficult to explain
Hi Susan,
I love your advise! You open up to a multi-scenarios.
Thanks
It’s their lost not mine 😂 they wanna be distant and I’ll be more distant and mirror their ass lol
Susan, you look beautiful in black and in those earrings.
Delicate, not forceful
that means you are just an option. Move on!
I'm emotionally damaged from childhood trauma and verbal abuse. It should've never happened to me in the first place.
I'm in a relationship with a guy 2 years who never initiated anything from the start phisically . He was interested calling me messages. However when I initiated something he would back away saying im not ready finally when we got closer after 8 months. he never kisses me no hugging, no romance When I try to go close to him to kiss him he just doesn't respond.. When I ask him about it he just brushes it of, I don't do that. We are too old for romance. He is 50 I am 54. He doesn't have compassion. is dismissive . Sex is just sex no foreplay and then turn the other side to sleep.I gave him 2 years. He does seem to care though about ny everyday issues calls me every day 2-3 times just to see how I am. Nothing has changed. I had enough. If there is no romance no affection it is not a relationship.
The time frame is important.
Hello Susan Clara from NYC. Love the look you look so elegant in black
Thank you Clara from New York City. We love our black, don’t we?
Very appealing video to watch.
You speak so nicely 😊
timeframe is so important. i learned that from you! :)
I never understand this...why keep trying??......for me if he choose me ...i will choose him... and if not...then bbyeee.
Susan *Summer* -:) You are a Star. Thank you.
Thanks so much Damian :)
Struggling with this too, he initiates but I'm not getting much intimacy from him and sticks to surface level topics. Also wondering if he takes a while to warm up or if he's just not that into me. Confusing.
What happened?
Hi Susan. Awesome content and person! Love you so much already!
Do you think the range of time maximum to give to a person that seems hot n cold is 3 months to maximum 6 ? What do you think? I know. It's hard to tell.
You're fantastic x
Excellent ! Thanks 🙏🏻
"If it feels strange, find greener pastures"
If they're being aloof, it can mean they are being cautious until they know how you think and behave - they're holding back until they've spent enough time with you to know where your head is at
But if someone is aloof too long, they're gone. Life is too short to think "what are they up to? why so aloof?" all the time.
It might be a control thing. "I'll create a 'mystery' about myself to keep them off balance"
Forget it. "Be yourself, or be by yourself". Show me what ya got or I'm outta here.
It's probably reasonable to restrain your sense of humor the first time you're together but after enough hours together, if someone is still aloof, just forget it.
You look so elegant and beautiful today! You are elegant and beautiful always but I just want to tell you haha
Thank you so much 😀
Amazing. Very helpful
I feel like perhaps I may have run into this situation with the last person I dated. She was recently out of a relationship and started dating me in October. Things were consistent and we were having fun. She would have breakdowns here and there. She opened up to me stating she had past trauma and abandonment issues and needed to put energy in herself and suggested I see other people and perhaps we should be more casual. However when asked to define casual and negotiate she stated no need to get wrapped up in the details. That confused me. When I tried to discuss this further she had an emotional outburst and said she needed space and time. Two weeks later she says she doesn’t want a relationship and that we weren’t compatible and that she was done. I’ve tried to reach out to talk but she won’t respond at all. Any suggestions would be great. I could use some help with this. Thank you
I relate to what you wrote. I met a girl in September, she was fresh out of a difficult relationship. We had almost three great months together, and suddenly she started acting different. I asked her and she said she wasn't ready for a relationship and just wanted to remain friends with benefits, to which I declined. To be honest, I feel these people simply are rebounding/using others as a stepping stone until they regain their confidence and heal their bruised ego.
I also think we made the same mistake. Pressuring them instead of mirroring them and also pulling back to give them space.
Wow, I’m sorry to hear that and it definitely sounds like we’re in the same boat for sure. The funny thing is, is that I would give space no problem, and I let her know that I liked her but wanted to understand more of what was happening. I offered friendship etc, she didn’t know what she wanted but was definite on what she didn’t want. I’m still confused by all of it tbh
@@daltonedu sorry you're going through this too. This really stung me because she was the first girl I really liked in a long time. Still hurts. I guess it comes down to them just not being emotionally available at the time. Best to you
Hey Ree. Sounds like a mess to me. I think she was placing barricades in front of your forward movement the moment she began talking about trauma and pulling away. Certainly, that may indeed be true. But often times it is the prelude to a person then stating, “I need to work on myself and can’t be in a relationship.” I think you should Move on and not keep trying to reach out. She’s not ready for a relationship and doesn’t sound sufficiently interested in working to be ready for a relationship
Yes! Susan I love your videos.
Glad you like them!
From a guys point of view, I’ve noticed that wearing your heart on your sleeve does make you come off as needy to women and most (not all) will lose interest fast. That’s the main reason I feel we do that.
I hear you, but for me it's the opposite. I love a guy that wears his heart on his sleeve. The "needy" part is the hottest thing ever!
Ian, every man and women are different if someone doesn’t like you for what you are now better to find someone else. Relationship traumas also can change us with time.
I am in a similar situation with a lady friend.
He always deletes his texts and writes something new...
INVEST, then.......TEST. Time Frame.
If with an avoidant type, would that explain why they don't ask how I'm doing or show interest in my day? But just ask if I'm OK?
She seldom asks how I am, what I've been upto or anything. I'm just trying to zip up everything before I decide to jump ship. She's naturally mysterious in what she's been doing.
In my opinion an avoidant type doesn’t really reach out often. Are you still with that person?
@@marimar8175 Hi. No. Its taken a good few weeks to change. Quite exciting to learn things about myself and boundaries etc. I get on with people so much better now. Thanks ❤️
@@marimar8175 I didn't answer your question, I am with the lady. I read a bunch from the attachment foundation and so did she.
How long should you invest before it’s time to walk away?
THIS is the tough one!!! I knew early on there was something there but I had this grown adults telling me to just be patient etc etc…. A year later she walked away. So… yeah