Top 5 Overlooked Dating Red Flags
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- Опубліковано 30 вер 2023
- In this episode we look into some overlooked Red Flags when you're Dating that still hurt your Relationships and could set you up for conflict later if you decide to get married.
Watch next: 7 Clues to Spot the Narcissist Early
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The red flags you ignore in the beginning become the reasons you leave in the end
So true
💯👌🏽
I’m guilty. Ignored the manipulation and Bizzare / intense confessions only to be put through the roller coaster of emotional abuse later on. Big lesson in ignorance.
So true
Yes, BUT for the LOVE BOMBING. You will NEVER experience THAT again.
I think a number one red flag for a relationship is when you realise you feel ashamed to tell your closest people about it. When you feel so shameful for being treated badly that you don't want anyone to know and you don't want anyone to tell you to leave. When you can't share the difficult parts of your relationship with your trusted people, something is off
Seriously. I’m so ashamed to tell my family the things my ex said to me after I defended him so much to them when they told me he seemed like a narcissist
Sometimes though, you just have shitty "friends" so that's a different story
So so true.
but thats the problem of the realtionship with your friends not partner
@@marvin2678 Depends. For me it was the partner. Because i didn't want to worry my friends or have to explain why i stay in the relationship. My friends were awesome but the relationship was shit and made me feel ashamed
"You deserve to not be touched when you don't want to be touched." Thank you for this line, alone. I'm healing from an ex not understanding this.
Yeah and gets mad when you are struggling.
Wont have any non-sexual touch and friendly banter that isn’t toxic
Sex is a huge part of relationship for a lot of people.. I’ll respect that a woman I’m seeing doesn’t want to be touched, but if it’s a recurring thing then I will part ways.
I feel this. If I said no, I’d get the silent treatment for days. Even removing himself to a different bedroom at night. 🙄And no reason was acceptable. Bye bye to that abuse and lack of respect.
That’s called rape. Sorry you went through that
I'm healing too. Sometimes those feelings come back, but I feel safe now. Nobody really forced me to stay, but he tried to make me feel bad, so it was hard for me to recognize and accept that I was not the cause of the problem. I'm sorry for what happened to you, I really hope you are better now
1. Different life stages
2. Shame - says I’m bad (guilt says I did something bad)
3. Baggage and Trauma - willing or not willing to do the work (not defending, not blaming; no abuse: verbal, physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, etc.)
4. Different values and goals
5. Communication
Thank you
I thought there were 5 😂
5. Communication.
@ChrystalSa...
What are you talking about?
@@lorraineharvey3200
For what
"Not everyone is for you, but you want have to beg the right person to care about what you need to feel safe, valued, and loved" ❤
The hardest part about ignoring and excusing red flags when dating is having to admit your behavior was also a red flag. Some people are so quick to blame their partner for their hurt and dissapointment but we are equally to blame in some ways for settling. Before we even begin to consider dating we must first do the inner work. That alone can take year's to sort through and balance. More people need to see dating as an asset to our already balanced selves and not a "fixer" to our broken selves.
Totally agree very wise and introspective of you!
so true
💯
so true!
I blame myself more. I seen all red flags, but I let people get in my head.
As a domestic violence survivor who survived serious abuse, I wish I would listened to my gut about the red flags. It’s so critical to pay attention to the red flags.
@thenorthface4
I have not experienced domestic violence, but grew up enduring verbal, emotional & some physical abuse.
Have not dated in a very long time. As I reflected on the dates I had even in high school, I noticed how I settled, putting up with people not making me a priority. I think I allowed this because my dad worked a lot and I always felt like I was bothering him, yet after his business was closed, he would sit in the back and have a few drinks with his brother while me and my siblings yearned for quality time with him...AND rightfully so. The message I got from a young age was you are not important enough to spend time with. Why would I expect more from a dating, potential husband relationship??!! It seems all of how we see and experience life has to do with how our parents/caretakers met our needs or did not meet our needs in those very tender, formative years.
It seems I have been on this healing journey a long, long time.
What red flags did you ignore? Can you see now why you ignored them?
Absolutely
I can totally relate to that
Grooming, love bombing are ways to ensure a partner doesn’t leave; early environmental factors make you stay ‘cos it’s ‘comfortable’ or familiar.
Don’t blame yourself for your DV’s behaviour or actions - that’s on them. Forgive yourself for the red flags you ignored - it ended, that’s where your focus should be, not take yourself down, again.
I was a foster kid (abused and gaslit in almost all of my homes). I found out after my adult abusive relationship that it was in part due to how I "recovered." I was so immersed in and focused on silver linings, optimistic, and not allowing my past to override my ability to connect with others that I never learned protective boundaries and behaviors. I ignored red flags bc I was told that I would have a tendency to see them where they didn't exist. I now wonder how many other men and women experienced this same issue.
Dating is really the interview process to see if someone is right for you, not the other way around. Yet, so many of us treat dating as a time where we are trying to impress the other person to get them to like us. That's dangerous. If you have to work so hard to get someone to like you, what's going to happen when you shed that and just be yourself? You definitely don't want a relationship built on that.
I wish more people understood this.
And in the younger set, dates are transactional, I buy you dinner you give me sex. If it was a tolerable event, let's see each other again. No opportunity for healthy discussion,or getting to know the other.
You're right...but OTOH it's called mating season for a reason.
“Someone who HAS to escalate the fight because they can’t have a calm discussion.”
I could tolerate the issues/flaws, but I couldn’t tolerate the fact that my ex was unable to talk about working on them. That’s what broke us.
Bingo
I’m not recommending this, but it did happen to me: my husband and I fell in love at first sight and we never questioned it because kindness and affection were our basic ways of treating each other and we were both serious artists and writers and honored that - our creativity. It said everything about ourselves. We sort of “claimed” each other in a very romantic way. We had a trust in each other that was almost supernatural. We melted into each other and at the same time were very independent and gave each other huge latitude. Because we were so “free” (except for sex -we were completely against any form of cheating.) we woke up happy every day for 25 years, and artistically flourished, even writing a book together called “Separately Together.” I lost my husband to a mountain climbing accident a few years ago, the worst thing that could have happened to me. That’s the terrible thing about a loving relationship: there are still no happy endings. 😢
I’m so so sorry.
While also, thankful that you had 25 years.
Many of us never come close to that long…there is always something that tears it apart b4 it can go anywhere. (Maybe it can be a blessing in disguise…too many of us settle, for many different reasons)
You both loved and lived fiercely, and freely, and he would want you to continue to do so…in his honor; your journey has not ended, merely the road u were traveling, has suddenly come under construction-and a bridge to new paths are now to be paved.
You most def should have had ur golden years together, but he is w u, as u step into whatever direction u choose 👣💞👣
🕊️🫶
I am so sorry you had to go through that. May you find peace in life.
❤ so sorry ! Hope to read ur bk , sounds like an amazing life!!!
hi! i have similar impression - im sorry that your partner has gone, but i am really glad to know people are able to have relationships like you had.
i am curious about reading your book now! is this the right one? "Separately Together: The Key to Understanding Your Relationship"
I'm so sorry for your lost. I can imagine the giant love that he left in you. I send you a virtual hug. Thanks for sharing that with us
I dodged a bullet with a person I was talking to for a while, they were the “I can’t count on anyone” “everyone fucks me over”chronically resigned on a life they considered mediocre but was like “eh, there’s nothing I can do”. Once I actually went on a date with them and saw that it was a pattern, I saw what a giant red flag it was and ended the contact. I felt soooo relieved
The covert narcissist
@@sharicoburn5475not necessarily. Trauma can do that to you.
@@sharicoburn5475 spot on, it's a covert narc
i have to point out that this is actually something we need to work on as a society. I'm in a newish relationship (about 8 months) and we've talked about all kinds of things, including where we'd both be ok with living together if we get that far, if kids are on or off the table, what each of us wants out of life and a relationship, job and chores expectations, time with one another's families, time spent away from one another, etc. the weirdest thing is not how a potential partner reacts to these questions, but rather how people outside of the relationship react when they know these questions are being asked. they think it's moving too fast and we need to put on the brakes and step back. but I've already been through 2 toxic relationships that wasted years of my life on lost investment, and I've hit a point where I'm done playing around. i want to know about our future compatibility as soon as possible, so that i can move on if need be with the minimum amount of damage done to both parties. no more games. and it's weird to me that society thinks this is wrong
You’re exactly right and yes, it’s super weird that our society thinks it’s weird to be up front about all this stuff. Honestly, all of these things should be talked about as soon as possible so each party is not wasting the other’s time.
Just remember, talk is cheap, both people need to walk the talk, pay attention
Hm, I don’t know what kind of people you’re talking to that thinks that’s wrong.. in my realm of reality it’s common knowledge that you ask those things pretty early on. Some people ask that stuff on the first or second date.
But those questions arent even necessary if you ask the wrong person them. So I think where you’re at is a good time to ask. I had those convos with my abusive/toxic ex’s at the beginning and they just told me what I wanted to hear, but as the relationship went on their true thoughts/desires/opinions came out and they were very different.
It’s weird that you say society thinks this is wrong. … is that your attachment style ( self and other) speaking. …?
Are you acting defensively because you’ve had really bad relationships in the past and you think you know better now. … to push your people ( ie society ) away. .. because you’ve wasted time in the past, and your people are saying you’re rushing now. ….
You’re dead set anxious and. …. Ignoring wisdom of your loved ones.
This person of 8 months knows what you want. … do you know that they are encouraging you to rush though …?
Self and other. You and “society”. … you push your people away to rush for an 8 months stranger. ….
You’re anxious.
Be careful.
Honestly. You don’t know better than the people who have loved you longer than 8 months. If you fear wasting time. And they say you’re rushing.
@@MellowBellow1 stop trying to gaslight me into thinking i haven't experienced what I've experienced by putting society in quotes. there's no need for that. just because you've never walked in my shoes doesn't mean my reality doesn't exist. and no, thank you very much, i am not pushing people away, and this person with whom i am in a romantic relationship has also known me for years as a friend before we started dating, dont pretend to know a thing about my life or my attachment style. why are you, a stranger on the internet, pushing so hard a message that you think is so applicable, when you don't know anything about me, my partner, or the situation, except for the tiny slice i gave in my original comment? i think you need to do more soul searching than i do
Jimmy, I appreciate the fact that these red flags that you're talking about are not only things that we have to look for in our partners, but also in ourselves. Accountability, self-reflection, and improving on our shortcomings to become the best version of ourselves are essential to building secure relationships.
Jimmy. So much truth in this thank you I love how you share both sides. Possible defense thoughts. Explaining our triggers. So right on. Thank yiu
“Our childhood was a classroom, you were learning things whether you wanted to or not”
Brilliant.
Very good video
“If you haven’t healed from those who hurt you, you will bleed on those who are trying to help you.” So very true. I have at least 8 friends, acquaintances, neighbours whose wives have initiated divorce proceedings in the last couple of years. Every single wife, or ex-wife, endured significant to horrific trauma and abuse as a child. I’m not blaming them; rather, I just want to highlight the devastating impact of unhealed trauma.
It’s true both my past partners told me of terrible trauma stories of their youth and I chose to ignore these as red flags instead be empathetic and thinking I could help them only to be dealt the psychological abuse / manipulation etc on a platter and in the end my mental health was what suffered. But I chose to ignore these confessions etc as red flags so you could say my ignorance came back to bite me.
So you're blaming all 8 women for serving those men a divorce?
@@tamarbatyah7They directly state "*I'm not blaming them*; I just want to highlight the devistating effect of unhealed trauma" so no, they are not blaming them
Absolutely
@speedgrump5515 That's called an APOPHASIS. Virtue signals he's not doing it when in fact he's doing it. He's blaming 8 women for divorce. Misogyny much?
Just left a toxic relationship a few days ago...he was forcing me to break up
Now I am glad it's over
I value myself ❤
I just went through the same thing. I just saw my relationship played out as the flags were revealed.
I just got out of a very mentally abusive narcissistic related. My ex started giving me mixed signals and couldn't telle what he wants. He's inconsistent showing me affection and has been gas lighting a lot. He played like a victim while he verbally and mentally abused me. Cheated in the end. So I gave up and started thinking about myself
Dump him
Its good that you are on your way.Keep in mind that the next stages of healing may come with thoughts and emotions,stages that you will finally begin to process.It is normal if this happens.Stay on course.❤
I like that you mentioned "unresolved conflict" I'm a communicator and people always know what's up and where they stand with me but my husband wouldn't do anything that was healthy for our relationship so you can imagine 8 years of unresolved conflict." He wouldn't discuss my feelings or concerns I had with us and the way he treated me. He wouldn't explain his dirty actions he had done to me. The next day was a brand new day for him as if his 3 hour tantrum the night before was ok. No apology, no explanations, ever. That's someone who's missing something upstairs and lacks empathy and caring for others. He's definitely in a different reality. I'm glad we separated.
I feel you on that🫂
He sounds like he has ASD aka Asperger syndrome.
Seems like you describe my ex. But also my parents as well. It's traumaticing and in a way gaslighting when people are not capable to do emotional labour and ignore all of it as a way to protect themselves. It grows the emotional responses on the person who's emotional capable and at some point resentment as well. Emotional intimacy is not possible, not even available.
Wow, that was my weekend.
I had gotten angry during part of it and said some things but nothing like what he said. I mostly said I wanted “out” and he took that as an affront that apparently angered him like “never before”.
He even for the first time abused the kids over our fight. That was something I didnt expect
I’m what they call mentally ill because I have bi polar and anxiety and as I’ve gotten older and more confident I am huge communicator. Man I’ll let you know what’s going on. But if someone won’t take the time or consideration to hear you out or try to understand you or lacks empathy peace out. That’s what I did.
Great video, made me realize how not compatible me and the man I last dated were.
He was not emotionally available nor ready for a mature relationship. No safety, no empathy, no vulnerability, poor communication, inconsistency... Yet we had amazing chemistry and times together, he has a lot of qualities and I was touched by his wounds, I miss him and us... But I understand it would never have been healthy or constructive for me.
I need to know my worth better, and make choices accordingly.
Time to move on. ❤️
I'm dealing with anger towards my parents for _not teaching me these things._
I was served up on a platter for my abusive ex. 😢
I’m so so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of that!!
Please learn move on with your life
If your parents knew better they would have taught you better
Do not hold on to bitterness
Forgive your parents and live a better life
Same with me, many times, but it's hard for me to not blame myself - because I have control and could've done better
Yes, forgive. If you don't know how start asking God to show you. It will heal you and also will start to heal your relationship with your parents . None of us is here forever. Heal this side of eternity, lots of good comes with it, including great peace. 🙏🏻
Sending you so much love, light and healing. Take care dear 💕💕.
I ended an abusive relationship after 27 years
Wow. I almost deleted this from my "watch later" list, thinking this is probably another video focusing on negative things, while I'm trying to find solutions. Boy was I wrong. Apart from being useful, this felt genuinely caring and honest. I felt this video was so encouraging and gave me confidence that better relationship dynamics are possible. Can't describe how well this hit home at right this point in my life. Thank you ❤
the more I listen to you the more I realize I did nothing wrong, and surprisingly (due to my past) did almost everything right. but as a woman I like very much once said to me; although everything that happens in a relationship is the fault of both, you cannot navigate a relationship alone.
Not everything.
And don't try to split it 50/50.
Treat each problem as separate case and take what you really responsibility is, if someone is a monster it is not your fault.
There are two things i believed are necessary for a relationship to flourish: 1. Listening, truly HEARING what your partner is saying. 2. Thoughtfulness. To think about the other person. What would make her /him happy or feel loved and appreciated. I read somewhere that there are 3 beings in a marriage: you, your partner and the marriage. They all need to be treated with love and respect treasured.❤
I'm getting more from this channel than I did from a therapist who I was seeing in person regularly. Thank you.
Stop apologizing for your needs and your values.
Sorry
Ultimate sales person status achieved- here- take all my money. That literally exposed my broken fragmented way of thinking and gave me a sense of responsibility.
Emotionally immature are also crybabies. They are also inconsiderate, they blame the other, ''I was normal 'till I married you.
Emotionally immature people also name call 😉
They try the pity party approach 😢 biggest clue you’ve got a no accountability guy!
Emotionally immature people have an external locus of control. They don't take accountability of their failures, instead they blame it on other people and circumstances.
Red Flags:
•Minimize your values and primary relationships.
•Easily angered when questioned or disagreed with.
•Won’t let you meet their friends or their friends make you uneasy.
•They put down your expression of faith.
•Expects your money to float the relationship.
• Emotional abuse is worse than physical. Both genders can be abusive.
- Controls who you are allowed to socialize with.
- Has no friends of their own, or doesn't want you to meet them.
- Can't tolerate any discussion of your previous relationships, but will talk about their own.
You certainly don't know a physical sadist.
What do you mean "emotl abuse is worse than physical"? Sounds like you know nothing about it. There is no point in comparing, physical abuse ALWAYS has an emotional component, and the extremes of physical abuse can leave you crippled or dead!
@bl7817 they both are bad, in both cases, leaving the abuser is the answer.
@@bl7817I think what they meant to say was "can be".
I knew this, let men go after a few dates bc i knew where I was.. ran into a narcissist and told him all of my past experiences with letting ppl go bc of my goals being different. He falsely aligned them with mine. My intuition made me back out of the relationship 3 times in 1 years but I was always talked back in… do not disclose youre past negative experiences..keep talk positive bc if they can’t align with that, you will know asap. This man really played well and I lost almost 3 years of my life. Smh
Yes! But now your smarter than what you were…those 3 years could end up being the best 3 years of learning! Cause now you KNOW!
For how long did he pretend ? 6 months less or more?
Yeah, I would like to know more about mapping that the narcissist do..
When everyone is a narcissist, no one is a narcissist
@@brianmcdonald7017
in this day and age more are popping up. It’s just different forms of being selfish and self centered.
Of course this is a big spectrum- a person can be a “little” or “a lot”.
At times anyone and everyone does something selfishly!
But a single or double selfish act doesn’t make them a full fledge N.
It’s those who are totally “oblivious” of the problem and don’t see it that it becomes an issue.
Someone who wants a relationship- but it’s one sided.
Or a semi acquaintance (who’s not your boss)- who takes care of your life (without asking)… and plans things for you and expects you to do them. Yes-they are out there.
Unfortunately- if you’ve been burned by the extreme and start studying on the subject you can pick up on it.
It’s the entire person and a history of interaction that gives their true colors. But you find out the truth when you attempt to discuss issues and discuss their pattern of how they are treating you- some will call you rude for bringing it up-(even though they were rude to you.)
Some will blow up emotionally and get defensive-you may not have wanted an argument over it…but you got one.
Or give silent treatments instead of a discussion
Instead of compromising- it’s their way 99 % of time.
I had a single co worker I can remember before the age of 40 who was one type- but bearable.
In the past 10 years I’ve run into 3-4, literally different kinds. But they teach me how to be more direct with the words “no thank you”.
They taught me “wait to see how a person argues “ before you “think” you know who they are.
And if someone has never been narcissistic-and suddenly starts acting that way-forgive them-maybe they will come back around because they’re just “going thru something”- I shouldn’t try to “fix” them, speak my peace in love and move on.
And if you have a supervisor with it, you may find out quick you may want to get out asap or they will make your life hell, unless you like a challenge. I literally took on one with kindness… no BS- she kept trying to get reactions out of me- I refused to participate.
I know your statement wasn’t a question, but at one point when I started running into so many.. .I did wonder if it was me. Was I the issue?
To an extent yes- I thought others “wanted” the same general things in life and would treat others the same way-honesty being #1, in all the above none we’re honest to themselves or me, that’s when the conflict started. For them living a lie and faking it was priority-can’t mention failures-fears & insecurities and be real.
But that’s ok- they taught me
I just have to work on me to be the person I want to be.
I just discovered your videos. Fantastic content! I was divorced 35 years ago. I did not understand at the time that I was in a 10 year marriage with a narcissist. A sad decade of my life.
Happiness is the fact that person is out of your life. Remember all the arguments over nothing? Remember the confrontations and accusations? Absence of all of that is pure bliss.
This is exactly what i have been trying to get husband to understand. I am truly exhausted now. Begging him for so long, him dismissing me only created more problems and pushed me further away. Now, I feel nothing but resentment towards him.
dont waste your life. find a way to leave. take the leap
The fear of how you will feel is far worse than how you will feel if you leave. Been there so many times. You deserve to be loved the way you deserve❤
That was my 22 year marriage. He refused to do any therapeutic work, refused to see that if we didn't spend quality time together we would grow apart. So, we grew apart. I found my own hobbies. Then we divorced and he said later he took it all for granted, and I said yup.
I am a male cluster B: BPD, NPD, cPTSD and an anxiety disorder. I am open about the disorders and emotionally grown, not abusive, no gaslighting, no belittling, self aware and reflecting (years of therapy).
I just want to comment on point 3: The biggest red flag 1 for me is: not being able to have the tough talks and not being able to owning up to their mistakes and with that not being able to apologize. I once (I don't meet the diagnostic criteria anymore) would have qualified as a pwNPD and I am capable of doing the work, which means if the will is there, almost anyone can do the work. But someone not willing to do whatever work is required in him- or herself should be a no-go.
Jimmy is absolutely correct on this!
I'm impressed 👍 thx for the encouragement
Thank you for doing this work.
Making society better in one person part is still making society better.
And if we count people who will not be damaged by you it looks awesome.
😊
Accountability is a huge thing. I can't stress that enough. I've learned years ago that I need to hold myself accountable and I wish everyone past the age of 30 would already know and have mastered this.
That's good that you are doing the work by healing yourself. You should be proud. I am female: I am codependent, and have avoidance attachment style. I am also doing work and healing. Been in therapy for over a year and will continue getting help for myself. It was hard at first because it does require a lot of accountability for the things I can control in my life. I also have to keep in mind I can't control someone's emotions, their words and actions. It's a journey, but I'm worth being well.
@@abbyxiong3931 Awesome that you are doing the work. I have an anxious attachment style and due to the BPD am on the codependant side of narcissism. But I am becoming more safe attached and less codependant.
I would date cluster Bs in the future, if they are willing to work on themselves. Growth makes people incredibly brautiful.
Im glad you mentioned types of communication. Very often the default relationship advice is "communicate more" but it's not about communicating more, often the issue is communicating respectfully and effectively. There is no one right way, people communicate differently but there are abusive and toxic ways to communicate.
After coming out of a long bad relationship I feel that to find my authentic self and heal myself I need to be single. I can't grow as a person if I'm focused on someone else. I find that the relationships I'm in right now are friendships and that's a very good place to start with communication and boundaries and it allows me to take the time I need to myself.
I can see my own faults in how my marriage isn't what I want it to be. I bring up an issue when I'm angry about it and when my husband is "blindsided" by it he makes a joke out of it trying to minimize my anger which only makes me angrier and get defensive then he shuts down and says nothing. 😐 it's been a long 12 years.
Im still working on healing from having to leave a relationship where the other person was extremely self destructive. It didnt matter how much we cared about eachother. I was collateral damage to their decisions, and it brought out my worst tendencies.
Now I am a lot more conscientious about who i let into my life and how i handle conflict with those people.
I would like to say that calling it red flags and avoiding any “unnecessary stress” you ban people from growing. I was most of you described and my partner had some of those red flags but we decided (separately) that we will overcome it. The main thing was to stay together and today after 15 years together. Almost 24/7 together we changed A LOT for each other and with the help of each other. If there was no HIM I would never heal. And if there were no me he would never grow. We changed our lives because of love.
You just checked all of them.
That's a pretty silly take. OP said they had some red flags which they didn't ignore and worked on and had a successful relationship as a result. How is that a red flag?
@@kobaltapollodorus8922we all have red flags, we have to recognise them and work on so they are no longer red.
Everyone deserves a chance.
He wasn't saying that having any of that was necessarily the red flag, the red flag was their unwillingness to work on it, take responsibility for the way they handle things and then actively work on changing those things to be better for themselves and their partner. Yes they will make mistakes along the way but are they still truly trying, do you see growth in them and a genuine desire to fix it when they do mess up? If so, then thats not a red flag. Red flags are only when the issues are coupled with zero self awareness or desire to actually do the work. That's when you walk away bc you deserve better.
Oh man, the lessons I've learned since finally getting out. 12 years of living with a man that was as controlling and abusive as you describe here, Jimmy. There were many double standards and ways HE expected to live. I'm still triggered listening. I left him with all kinds of autoimmune diseases from being ridiculed, berated, bullied, just not feeling loved at all. I got out and do not want another relationship with anymore abusers. I am worthy of good love, good communication with clear understanding.
Excellent life lesson, Jimmy. 0% waffle. 100% truth.
I would really like to see you do a video on religious abuse, manipulation, and control using religion.
Also I was very badly abused growing up enduring every type of abuse, and my husband helped me get out which I will forever be eternally grateful for but when I met him I was only 15 (with a huge age gap) and I went from being home in my abuse to shelters after I was hurt to bad to continue staying home. And as soon as I turned 18 was married and I'm only just now at 29 getting to know who I am and heal from my past I feel upset at times that I didn't have the opportunity to know or practice any of this before marriage..your videos have helped a lot thank you.
I’m so so sorry for what you went through. This absolutely breaks my heart 😢
Look up, Recovering from Religion, a great charity.
@@JimmyonRelationshipsyes! Some of us have experienced this but told its not and it caused me issues.
1-submission to his authority over my spiritual life and beliefs. All had to told and he said he has to screen them. NO! Put my foot down.
2- I do whatever he says when he’s angry or i am not submitting.
3- Churches think we have to stay and submit/ bow our rights in order to “win back” our hubby cuz emotional/spiritual abuse and sexual addictions are not leave-able excuses. You endure that until its real cheating and real physical abuse. Even then, try to reconcile and not divorce. Be careful with separation. God hares that. You sin if you are the initiator. Those are your outs. You are trapped. Dont get remarried or its adultery even if your kids need a father. From hubby and churches I have been to.
4- you are wrong for wanting to get out. That is NEVER what God wants. You have to endure with God and learn what He wants you to learn in this regardless of how toxic or broken you feel- even if you or kids are on the verge of mental breakdowns.
Please don’t ever stop doing these. They help me so much to understand him and not give up yet. I just need to figure out how to mention you to him so he will listen too.
I hope he’s open to learning :) we all should be
I feel shame for breaking away from a relationship that was toxic at times and I’m struggling with letting that go
what you did was not shameful; it was brave, courageous and healthy! take care of yourself first and rid self of the toxicity in this world! nothing wrong with that!
Please feel better, you deserve proper treatment.
Send you hugs.
This is probably the most mature, thoughtful and caring way to approach and interact with a partner/spouse that I have heard expressed in a long time! Congratulations to you for the beautiful analysis of how we interact with each other, listen to each other, empathize and care about each other for a deep and meaningful relationship. Communication is key.... but what is IN that communication? This is a conversation to bookmark and refer to for a deeper and better relationship with any partner. Well done!
My partner is dismissive avoidant because he was never taught to process, express, or feel emotions, not because of being hurt in a way he recognized. This has played out in destructive ways for us. Emotional immaturity, no deep empathy, avoidance, no teamwork, etc. "You won't have to beg the right person to care about what you need to feel safe and valued"....
So sorry you're going through this. Have you tried couples counseling? If he won't go then I think you should set some firm boundaries about how you need to be loved and be treated respectfully.
@@abbyxiong3931 thank you, that means a lot. I run my own business and don't have benefits but he does. I've asked several times for him to figure out couples counseling that works with his benefits but he hasn't done it. I definitely should create a boundary around it.
I love watching videos like this. It makes me know my relationship is golden. After so many bad ones, its nice to know I finally got a good one. We both have our red flags, but we both are dedicated to fixing them and giving each other grace for when we occationally fall back.
This honestly makes me feel hopeless. This is too much work. I’m a broken person with too many faults and flaws to even begin tackling in the time I have left to find a life partner. My chance is gone because I was already broken at the starting line. It breaks my heart. Best of luck to you all.
Roma wasn't build in one day. Just start somewhere. I started writing stuff from my childhood in a journal. A journal with a lock. Its a start.
Yes❤
Be kind and gentle to yourself dear. Take each day and step towards growth :)
11:19 Love tank. Checking in to make sure our partner feels valued safe and loved
Thankyou Jimmy for outlining healthy boundaries - I’m relearning how to set my boundaries after years of an emotionally unsafe marriage 😢
I find more value in your videos than with any counsellor/ therapist. I appreciate you and your selfless act of helping others by making these videos. My daughter is in a new relationship and is still young. I recommended your channel to her.
HealthGamerGG has really good videos too
This channel would be so good for teenagers.
Jimmy, you could get rich as a "licensed" life coach! But I'm very sure you have and are helping many people through these sometimes shark infested waters.. So thank you. I'm 71 years old, ignored the red flags in a marriage, suffered the inevitable result..
But I've been happily free of that for 35 years. That is, until the coworker from hell arrived and made me her target. Went through that for about 10 months. Just now getting out from under that. I waited this long because I was protecting a close family member..
❤️🕊
I was changing myself for this person and losing myself. I was wounded. This is likely the reason that I tolerated the relationship for longer than i should have and I take full responsibility for that.
But I overlooked or rationalized it when he called my decisions into question , spoke down to me, belittled me, accused me of entertaining other men, ignored my feelings, etc. And I began to feel so weak, small and insecure that I opened up to him less and less. He called me negative and pretty much blamed me for our issues.
Because of my own unhealthiness, I was prepared to continue to change myself so I could be what he wanted. He ended it before that happened and I know it was the best thing that could have happened to me.
1. Thank you.
2. The importance of this topic, well... if one grew up with boundaries not being respected, let alone taught what they are, the purpose and function boundaries serve, what you're doing here is a good, kind and wonderful thing.
🦋
So impressed! This is coming from a 30+ year practicing Licensed Psychotherapist. I am passing this along to my clients (young professionals/college students). Well done Jimmy. Bravo!
Thank you so much for this and many other videos. I am recently divorced from a deeply traumetized, emotionally abusive and neglectful spouse and so many of these red flags were present early on.
I realize I never actually learned how to be in a healthy relationship or date in a healthy way before! Better late than never!😅
Your work is really supportive along my healing journey🙏🧡
I love all your videos. I'm so glad I came across you. More people need to watch these, relationship or not these would just make better people in general.
I wish this video were available about a year ago. I cannot underestimate the importance of the first point-life stage differences. I dated 2 retired men, 1 after thr other-the second being a Narcissist through and through. I average between 48-60 hrs od work weekly on night shift.
The gap in being stressed and exhausted from work colliding with someone who has ample amounts of spare time to criticize, control, ans steam roll over your needs for rest, chores, family etc is something I will never accept into my life again.
If you and a potential partner arent even remotely on the same life stage its never going ro work.
I very much appreciate what you have said. You have throughout the video, described every long term relationship I have ever been in, and why they failed - including the most recent one.
I think the most important thing to come out of watching this for me, is to re-evaluate the way that I approach a relationship. It's not actually about dating red flags for me, it's about maintaining an existing relationship once it is established. I don't have any trouble making friends. I am very privileged to have a lot of close friends helping me through a difficult time.
Thank you so much. I really needed to hear all of that to recognize the habits that have formed in order to make things healthier for myself and my relationship.
Your videos are amazing. It's a shame that you don't have your counseling license. You'd be fantastic at it!
So kind of you! I have my stay at home dad license 😂
“It’s a shame” ? Weird choice of words. It seems to me he is better off without it…& so are we!! We benefit from his perspective Without the institutional training & mindset.
I am grateful for this wisdom from his path of learning & experience.
@@grateful7420Great point! Jimmy is better off not indoctrinated by "the system." 😁
Then he probably wouldn’t have time to do all these awesome videos for us.
I absolutely love your Channel. As someone who is noticing tons of narcissistic traits in my behavior, your approach with empathy just truly make me feel seen and want to do better to change my unhealthy ways to feel possibly subconsciously in control of XYZ situation when in reality I'm just tearing myself and the people that I care about apart. I am grateful for you, your approach and your Channel. Keep up the good work. 😊
I think most of it comes from some traumatic experience in people I had seen.
People learn to deal with their problems by using other people and because this problem are huge and very painful it is no matter what price on the other side to pay.
I feel sorry for whatever reasons you have and want to say thank you for trying. Even if you fail in something it is still matter.
This is your best one yet! Good job! You have great skill in taking these concepts, explaining in regular speech, and offering simple practical ways to commit to them in relationships. It gives me much hope! Thank you Jimmy!
*Love that stammers, that stutters, is apt to be the love that loves best.*
This is really good!!! I don’t think I’ve really seen many people focus on BOTH YOU and your partner. This is really healing for me. I grew up with a covert narcissistic parent, then moved out with another narcissistic friend, which I didn’t know until 8 years later, ending just this past March. I have a BA in psychology, but hearing this in context is really good for me. This is so healthy!! Thank you, Jimmy!
Thank you for this. Didn't have a relationship for almost 14 years (cause i still couldn't work out my self worth/self love issues yet) but this sounds spot-on to me, bookmarked for (hopefully) future reference
#3 Trauma and Baggage ruined my last 1,5y long relationship. I was aware and I believed he wanted to do the work, but sadly I was mistaken. It broke my heart because I was so ready to support him through it and thought he was my person, accepting all the good and the bad. But everything shifted in just a couple months and in the end it was easier to blame it all on me, rahter than taking any accountability at all and noticing that the poor communication appeared as a result of fear of conflict, while I remained consistent in my efforts to openly communicate, just increasingly anxious when observing all the changes and distance.
Wow! Im going through this right now!
What a great timing to watch this
This is great, it helps me reflect on myself on my relationship & have better understanding of my partner's wants & needs.
This means a lot! Thanks :)
It’s really important to ask the important questions before you really dive in. I also suggest before you decide to get married, do couples counseling for about 6 months. A professional can really help both of you before you take that leap. IT’S WORTH IT!
Ty for this video 🙏🏻
Sometimes you can overlook red flags because the other person has a unique quality that you are really attracted to. It’s not always looks either. I dreamed of having a girlfriend who was as good of a musician as I was that I could create with. Me and my ex wife were in a band together and her musical talent made me overlook every other negative and incompatible quality.
Just started dating again after years of being alone. So thanks, I am going to look out for those red flags.
Hey, same for me! I wish you luck on your journey 🤗
You are well equipped now. Wishing you the best❤
Man, you just read my mail in your videos, it's really helpful to start developing healthier relationships and healing from past hurts, thank you.
I am commenting on the prior video. My daughter is stuck in a marriage with a narcissist. He promised her the moon, he would work overtime to pay off his mountain of debt, they have been married 7 years and have a 5 year old son. She bought the house and pays all the bills, he rarely if ever gives her a little here and there. He is mean and goes into a rage quickly, she is trying to correct the things he has done to their sun but it’s difficult. He is big on corporal punishment and he hit her in front of her friends last weekend. Refuses to discuss budgeting or participating in paying bills. Addicted to playing video games. I could go on. I feel so bad for her, she keeps trying for her son.
She needs to get out of that marriage 😢😢😢. Sounds just like my EX. He will literally suck life from her. Narcissist are like leeches and it never gets better. I bet he was wonderful in the beginning with all the love bombing and fake promises. She met the representative, sadly 😭
I hope she can prove in court who payed for the house. And if he left bruises, she should have pictures. Start gathering intel!!
Gosh.... how horrible for your daughter. I pray that she can get out of the marriage safely and live a better life with her son. They both deserve better. Sensing love to them. ❤
Please ASK your daughter if this is the role model she really wants for her son.
I don't understand what the problem is?
L E A V E.
I wish, I wish, I wish someone would have told me this a long time ago. Not a family member, not a friend told me any of this. I've been carrying so much crap for so long and blamed myself for all of it and yes, it has destroyed not only myself but people whom I did care about. so, to say not a stranger on the internet yet you still care about me, move mountains for me. So, for that, I say THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!
Absolutely! You deserve it :)
So good, I need to watch again and take notes . Should have found these things 20, 30 years ago but never too late to learn, thank you!❤ You have such a warm, compassionate voice that makes you really easy to listen to and watch
I think this was the best relationship advice on the internet as we speak. It’s basically a summary of everything that is important for a relationship to work!❤❤❤ I am SO grateful I ran into your channel! I will watch as many videos as possible! Your insight and the information you present is a real treasure! God bless you!🎉
I love your intention, I love everything I've seen on your channel and I love the awareness you bring to the whole community. It gives me so much hope after experiencing so much pain and that hope feels tangible in the form of empowerment through awareness and legit skills. maaaad appreciation for you
I’m going to binge watch all your videos, you have some of the best advice I ever heard..thank you!
Wow! These are all on point.
Your understanding is priceless. Thank you for doing this.
Your videos saved my life. Thank you for sharing. It identified my partner as they were. I recommend everyone never settle and remember how hard the ending can be before settling for a sub par beginning out of fear of being alone.
Wow - awesome !!!! Such a lot of incredibly valuable information!! Yes I tried but my (ex)husband didn’t want to. Went to the counsellor with me and said if you can just fix her everything will be ok!! 12 years on I’m training to be a counsellor! 🧡 your work!
Moral of the story; work on yourself to become a better partner and choose your partners carefully
absolutely love how he speaks about things and puts the boring knowledge into a meaningful guidance
I just wanted to say thank you so much, you are the only video that I've watched that I've not gone into a anxiety attack, but you explain in such detail and beautiful kind manner, which is so helpful to someone like myself, I've experienced everything you've mentioned, l still have self doubt, but it's a work in progress. I'm so grateful to you, thank you.❤
Fantastic content as usual, Jimmy. 🙌
this hurt but also helped. thank you
Healthy communication creates trust. It includes not only the words used, but the tone, which conveys mindset and attitude towards the other person. You can't trust someone who doesn't respect you. Without trust, there is no relationship.
This reads like a manual on healthy relationships. Concise, to the point, and compassionately delivered. Saving this video to watch once a month as these are all things I want to keep remembering.
He had me at "disconnection"!!! I hear the word "disconnect" way too much these days. 😂 Awesome video!👏👏👏👏Priorities are also as important as values. They determine what we are willing to sacrifice over something else. 😢
Thank you for what you do💡!!
Thank you for posting.
Valuable information. I have trauma from childhood and had been doing a lot of work on myself and deep spiritual practice. I was with a man who showed signs of inconsistency, rude defensive texts, etc. I gave it a good try for other good stuff but ultimately closed the door now after 1.5 years. I was always willing to acknowledge and work toward a healthy dynamic and he wasn’t but it was hard to tell at first. I learned and moving on now. This video is helping me to keep strong and clear in my decision.
Sadly I think the only way 99% of us are going to find a partner like the one described is when AI generators and virtual reality goggles can bring them to life.
And as a gay dude, I can tell you if relationships are hard in the straight world, it's beyond repair on this side of the game. Going to be alone for life and getting to the stage where I'm ok with it.
Amazing video, thanks! I'm sure your partner realises how fortunate she is to have struck gold!
How did she strike gold when he cheated?
Stop looking and the right person will show up. Don’t give up, though and especially don’t look for love at a bar. 😖
The autopilot is so intense, I must overcome it!
This is the most concise video about relationship issues I've seen so far. Direct, with examples, great explainations. Thank you for such a useful video!
Terrific video. Couldn’t agree more with all your words Jimmy!!!!
Amazing. Very eye opening for me and what I did wrong in my relationships and red flags I ignored. Thank you.
I’m right there with you! Thank you for this!
Being laid back and chill is NOT an excuse for a partner to do something obnxious or unpleasant until you complain "enough" or "exactly in the right way." I've been put in that position too many times and it's a more common tactic from dating women as they aren't as young anymore and some of them adopt an exploitative and entitled pattern when it comes to dating -- look out for it upper 20s and above and beware gentlemen. Otherwise, I believe in this advice that we must grow and speak up for ourselves, however it is not a healthy relationship if this is required to get basic decency and respect. It's full on problem (i.e. leave) if after you voice your displeasure or desire for the issue to be addressed, she rage critiques you for not perfectly articulating and being nice when informing her, or suddenly the priority of the discussion is her feelings being hurt rather than you aren't happy about some issue.
This isn't a "you should know what's wrong already" reversal, it's simply an awareness for those who are more easily exploited to understand the difference between not using their voice and not giving a relationship a chance, versus being gaslit about what and how they have to articulate to be treated with respect and dignity in a relationship.
Jimmy, this was an excellent video loaded with gems including actual statements that clarify how to approach issues and relationship conflicts. For those who are recovering from trauma and revisioning their lives going forward, you have provided an accessible toolkit to work with. Well done! 🙏
So much wisdom in 21 minutes! I am saving this. Rarely have I seen something this practical to help with seeking a healthy relationship. Thanks for posting. Foster Lee
I appreciate this video. Thank you for all your content. It's been a breathe of fresh air.
Thank you!
I'm glad that my grandparents didn't worry about a 13 year age gap. My mom and dad had a 10-year age gap and my aunt and uncle had a 16 year age gap. All of them remained happily married until death do they part.