Tales from Therapy: Where Is Your Spite Toward The Narcissist Leading You?
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- Опубліковано 20 бер 2024
- When narcissists feel spite toward you it is almost always triggered because you did not play the role of enabler. They will then choose the path toward destruction. But what about when you feel spite in reverse? What triggers you? Where does your emotion lead you? Dr. Les Carter tells an inspiring story of how you can turn your emotion into self-preservation.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 110 million views.
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Anger is the emotion that says change is necessary.
Anger is necessary at first, use it as fuel to work your way out of the relationship. Peace and love will follow.
I AM angry now and it doesn't seem to make the least amount of difference. I'm not supposed to have anger.
@@An-mei your anger is justified. So don't let anyone tell you that you have anger issues or anything else. They don't have a problem with their anger, they have a problem with yours. Too bad. Your anger will protect you. If you try to deny it, it may manifest someplace else. Health issues etc. I like the phrase: If you do not heal what hurt you. You will bleed on people who didn't cut you..
@@An-meiAnger can be a motivator. It is ok to visit, but don’t live there. Anger at injustice, for instance, is appropriate. Just be cautious of where that anger takes you.
@@aaronkwolfe It feels like it will be destructive (or life changing) if not dealt with. HOW to deal with it is the hard part. If it's a broken system it is already destructive.
@@An-meiTeresa, you say "I am not supposed to have anger." Anger can be a very healthy feeling for it can be the indicator that something is not right and at the same time it can be a motivator, like Aaron said, to change. But when you have been raised up in a Narcissistic family system, you will probably feel ashamed of your own anger because you were trained to not be allowed to have any anger and you saw where the anger could lead to (the destruction) which can make it difficult for you to accept your feelings of anger. Working through the anger means first of all, embracing your anger and then asking yourself, "Why do I feel angry? What does my anger want to tell me?"
My anger freed me from my narcissistic abuser. One day I woke up and just said I’m not gonna take this anymore. My anger is used as a shield against his Hoovering and breadcrumbing until I can break free from my narcissist. Because as Dr. Les says i matter, I was made for love, I was made for affirmations. I have a birthright to be loved and treated well. If it takes my anger to shield me from my narcissist until I break free and so be it. I deserve to be angry. I’ve been treated very unfairly in his entitlement and discard of me gives me the right to my anger. I don’t intend to live in it but right now I need it to break free.
We can / should / must hold out for the person who loves us at the same level we are capable of giving.
Yes right anger can lead to right action.
It's afterwards is when it can get tricky. So much to unpack
@Dana-gj5hr - TRUTH!!! I will keep my anger until I can free myself from my narcissist. I’m already in intensive therapy to work through all of the abuse that I’ve endure over the last few decades. I hope to reclaim my self worth and self esteem again. The first step to processing your rage is to allow yourself to grieve. No matter how messed up the narcissistic relationship was it was based on hopes and dreams, and that is a loss that has to be grieved.
My therapist encouraged me to at last be angry as have been taught as a good girl it's bad to feel anger. I dont want to be consumed and get vengeful, but discard is almost a relief. Now to do the hard work to find me again...
The endless games they play are infuriating.
Spite is a desire to hurt or offend someone. I don't think I have spite for the ex narc, but then again I'm not opposed to him getting some karma as payment for his bad behavior.
Right! Spite is bent on destruction, not truth.
I feel the same. Spite is like giving them a ‘reaction’. I do not give them that attention or satisfaction.
Spite is not healthy. I choose to be healthy ❣️
I think there's a difference between actively seeking revenge (spite); between that and wanting to defend yourself from the Narc's aggression. I have no sympathy for these evil people, none whatsoever. I believe you inevitably reap what you sow, and we owe nothing to our Narc abusers, save contempt.
I wouldn't say so. @@An-mei Spite, in my view, is a natural desire of my very soul to fight the unnatural, bad and mean.
How a person reacts to life's challenges, can make them better or worse.
I believe,walk away.let them do their own destruction.i have no sympathy left for them.liars always get found out.
Problem is, they, the Narcs are like the Wicked in the Psalms, that the psalmist complains about to the Lord, as to 'why' the righteous suffer while the wicked (narc) prospers. We all have this innate hunger and desire for justice and moral order in the universe, but the Narcissist does all sorts of unrighteous, wicked things and gets away with it, or so it seems. Narcs are the epitome of what the Bible calls 'lawless'.
I wish.
yes no contact is only way dealing with gaslighting narcarcists especially if they re inlaws who pick fights and enjoy it and claiming to be christian,,,more like wolves in sheeps clothing
@@susannakotoff7095 yes, "by their fruit ye shall know them". Those who talk the talk but don't walk the walk, unfortunately 😐 😒 😕 😢
100% agree!
I believe in karma. No one who ever abused me went on to a charmed life.
Same here. They'll eventually destroy themselves. You can't destroy someone mentally and emotionally, and expect to live a happy fulfilled life. I believe in karma and one day they'll suffer the pain they caused us. But like so much worse.😢
I’ve found it truly takes time to cycle through the grief cycle from feeling bad from shock to sad about loss then mad at the narcissist & finally glad to put it all behind you… give it a year to cycle through all the feelings because they’ll spiral around now & again until you reach that place of peace ☮️
I'm angry at myself for being hurt again and again when I promised myself I would not be surprised anymore no matter what they do.
Heck yes you can feel spiteful or just downright angry. Anger is normal and tells us that something is deeply wrong and unjust. Righteous anger is a lot more useful than depression. But I believe that we can find a calm within that storm toward the effort of standing up to the chaos and abuse. I'm determined to reach a place of complete indifference because continuing to feel pity for them just keeps that trauma bond alive. I'd like to learn some 'Zen' too in order to remain calm and in control because, tragically, I'll be tied to this unhinged person until I can find a lawyer to break this horrible legal tie that binds me to them.
When they hurt you and they force you to comfort them. You better be fine and make them happy. Smile, do not feel your own feelings and you better not need ANYTHING. It is triggering to never matter.
All their actions must be white washed. Same as enabling, or worse.
Ef that
🙏💖
This happened to me and I have sworn to never open up again. It’s a long time friend. But it will be a superficial relationship. Finally got it.
@tbunnyshy1, yeah, I got ya. 🎯
It is hard to get rid of that bitterness at first. The opportunity cost of wasting time on a narcissist is a hard pill to swallow. This creates an ego wound in the non-narcissist that will fester if not actively dealt with. This is completely normal but the sooner we work past it, the better. If not we will drive people away with our own negativity and festering resentment. At this point the narcissist has won twice: first by using you; then by continuing to control your emotions. Let this be the catalyst for healing. We need to make an active choice and decision not to let the devil (whomever or whatever you perceive this to be) win!!
Wise words!❤️
Revenge is like hating your enemy then drinking poison
Thank you for the disclaimer acknowledging the figurative vs. literal interpretation of "the devil".
@@THRASHMETALFUNRIFFSRight! Still,if it walks like a demon,acts like the devil,etc...consider it an evil entity that intends to harm you
@@stingylizard Yes, humanity has historically and importantly relied on spooky scary tales for teaching the young to stay safe from strangers and salesmen! From Red Riding Hood to Jekyll and Hyde, it all serves a purpose to trust ur instincts and not be gullible. (Hay, cool guitar, btw, Rock on! I had an 81' Peavey T-15 woodgrain strat type body like that I sent to a lady in Texas a few years ago for free just cuz it was her first guitar. IT had a plastic case with a little amp built in!)
It's leading to closure. They are being exposed for what they are and are getting held accountable for their bad actions.
No amount of history is going dictate my today -- or my future! Very encouraging words and video!
I have been actively and aggressively working toward NOT having a root of bitterness (Heb. 12:15). It takes contemplation and an honest appraisal of self, motives, and attitudes. I have intentionally gone to places that would normally cause me distress, to see how I would feel. Spite isn’t worth it.
I'm really hoping this one resonates with you, Aaron!
There is a book called Bait of Satan about spiritual effects of resentment and unforgiveness.
@@anng.4542 spite is the narcissists' gig, hell is their home. i wish i could turn things around, i had a lot of ideas, but i have to give it to god at this point and protect my health and peace.
@@anng.4542 I think I read that book years ago. Forgiveness is an act of THE WILL, I believe, but FEELINGS and emotions follow after. We are not unfeeling, emotion-less androids or robots like Commander Data of the Starship Enterprise. We cannot just snap our fingers and have our emotions healed from years of Narcissistic abuse. As Dr Carter put it, some of us have to deal with a "psychological limp", possibly for the rest of our lives. Narcissism is, to me, the closest thing to PURE EVIL I have ever seen.
When you are unshaken by most of their tactics, then they do something that REALLY hurts you…that’s a trigger. (Hurting or excluding someone I love, for example. They literally win the “gotcha” game).
Others (flying monkeys) just don't feel the knife twist. I really need this episode. I don't want to become hate-filled.
So childish to act that way
Yep, when you arent triggered by the petty jabs they give you, they escalate - well beyond what is socially acceptable, as they feel entitled you "owe" them some kind of reaction. It's like they dont see how far they have gone beyond any form of rhyme or reason...
I had a narc falsify paperwork with legal consequences, just because i did not react to anything else. At that point: Countermeasures for legal aspects + LEAVE. It's not liveable.
@@PantaRhei-wz5zn Exactly. This is not sustainable in any way. I am sorry it got to that point ! ❤️
I'm at that point. Me and my narc family were stable in the sense that we were having a low contact superficial relationship where *apparently* all was good. After much thought, I decided it would be better to invite them to my wedding--it was either that, or eloping. My dad even read nice words about me he'd written. But my parents invited my siblings but not me to a nice vacation, and even though I wouldn't have gone, it hurts not being even asked to join. Because they act nicely in front of others, like the words at the wedding, even my husband has reverted to "but they love you," which has left me confused and feeling guilty, and now I feel unseen and triggered. I'm so ready to step down of this rollercoaster but can't find the way out.
I wish I had the courage to walk away from my narcissistic family system. I've done it before but gone back because having no family at all is soooo hard. Not that they have been any good for me.
It is completely understandable to miss being with family. 🫂❤ It feels like something is better than nothing. These things take time.
@@tbunnyshy1 I am 70 now. I have very little contact with them. They live in another state. I have not seen my sister in 16 years. Just the occasional email or text.
i hear you. i'm in my 50's and i finally gave up on wasting my good intentions on such people. for what it is worth, all relationships end, some just end sooner than others.
It's better for you to leave them than it is to stay until the end, which is what I did. My dad passed in 2014 and my narcissistic mother just got worse & I moved back home to care for her & the house...the biggest mistake I made. Now, everyone is dead and I'm alone and hurting...filled with regret.
Create your own family of choice. Friends who you like and respect and who like and respect you. Reaching outside of my birth family was the best thing I ever did. That and therapy.
The cage of disregard perfectly sums up the role.
So true!
Hopefully it leads to a discard so we can start a new life without them
That is going to be a great day. Its the beginning of a better life. 🎯
I have gone no contact with my neighbour since October ... received 2 letters from her answered first as I had to repair her fencing🙄 coz of my horses got in ...(she didn't know 🤭) had a delivery dropped to her place by courier ...mistake by him 😔 ...luckily it was left outside phew . No reason to speak to her .
Gray rock is still the best method because no reaction is a good reaction to narcissists
So you support the behavior existing when it shouldn't? Definitely remind me never to refer anyone to you for mental health help. That's a straight up F right away.
I was so sad and lost when that happened. Now I see it as the best thing that could've happened to me
WOW! - did I need to hear this Dr. C.!! I'm at the crossroads - love or hate? Do NOT want to leave eternal legacy of that narcissist's hate...
It’s OK to feel what you feel now as you heal & gradually feelings will become more clear… I feel indignation & disgust for someone who’s behavior was unacceptable so he’s simply dead to me now
I’m going through this right now. I recently decided to remove myself from the relationship with the narcissist. I told him he would need to start taking accountability and go through intense treatment in order for me to stay in his life. Not once has he openly admitted the pain and distortion he has caused to our relationship. He continues to say it was my choice to leave him and that’s it.
I feel angry, hurt, sad, confused, betrayed, distrust, lost…..all of it. I feel like being spiteful….I want him to see the pain he’s put me through and I want him to just feel how much it hurts.
I thought he was my best friend.
Stay strong. You sound exactly like me several years ago. It is betrayal. You will be so much better off. Pamper yourself as much as possible ❤
Unable to live anyone including himself so just using you to try to complete separation from mother & you’re just secondary supply
He wants you to show your hurt , that's food for him .
A N is unlikely to take responsibility for hurting anyone…Hope you can “get revenge” by moving on to a happier life without him.
Your feelings are VALID and don't let anyone convince you otherwise, Jessica. Dr. Ramani goes so far as to say you are under no obligation to 'forgive' this jerk. Just do what's best for you and your HEALING. It may be a long journey but don't let the Narc blame-shift onto you, the necessity of 'forgiveness'; you do not owe that jerk anything, save possibly, your PROFOUND CONTEMPT.
Suppression of our feelings, our anger especially, can lead to depression and other negative effects on our psyche. I have been abused by three different churches by Pastors I, in retrospect, became convinced were Covert Narcs. I don't think even JESUS expects us to be healed overnight from these evil people, these wolves in sheep's clothing. Even Jesus GOT ANGRY towards wicked people so, if he felt that at times, how much more will we feel the same.
Even if you ignore them and just want peace they take that as you wanting you to be spiteful. They constantly antagonize you to get a reaction from you until you snap. Then you're the bad guy.
Narcissists are already paying for what they do to others. The way you treat others does have an affect on you. That's apart of why narcissists are so miserable. When you tried to correct a narcissists you were trying to help yourself. You could see the narcissists headed for a cliff and tried to warn them but they're so idiotic they pushed you out of the way and keep walking forward. A rebuke from a friend is healing.
What you posted, is quite consistent with the Bible, the Scripture.
We never know when we are talking to someone how powerful our presence, kindness, smiles, and listening ear mean to them. We just don't know what they have gone through. What this woman (in the video example) went through is probably very similar to many other people's lives. Only small minded people pull others down. Good people build others up. Thank God for the good ones I have had the priviledge of knowing. They never even know how much they have helped me, but they have. I believe God honors those people. Small acts of kindness mean a lot.
Well said and so very true!!! 🙏💙🙏
I didn't like who I'd become when spiteful was an option. Good friends also saw it. So, I focused on who/what I wanted to be. I like myself better now.
I had a (what I thought was an accurate, funny) nickname for my N estranged (now ex) wife. BFF though it was beneath me, and told me so. I listened, agreed, and changed.
Sadly, the time has come for me to block Thrash. I really tried ignoring. But the accusations intensified. I do not push my beliefs on others, but the fact that I have some is offensive, apparently. So, in order to not offend, I chose to block. Peace is a priority. I will pursue that.
@@aaronkwolfe It's ok... "We can only get offended by whatever makes GUS think"
I remember you from years ago.
I thought to myself "He's like me"
Our society trivializes sensitive men,, and praise masculine women
Thank you so much for this. We all know the narcissist will most likely will never change, but I can be saved.
I want to be the person who can stay grounded and have inner resolve no matter how badly behaved people are around me. I was violently abused as a child, so adult aggression terrifies me - bad things always happen. I have come to realize, they’re just going to do what they’re going to do. I have just got to keep myself together.
Good for you! So sorry about your childhood trauma. 😢 it sounds like you've learned so much. Keep taking good care of yourself!!! 😊 You deserve it!!! 🙏🫂🙏
Thank you for speaking about solutions for those raised by a narsissistic parent. Problems follow us into adulthood, and need to be addressed, even if there is no longer contact with that person.
Hey Team Healthy friends 😊♥️
Brilliant talk.
I think what I crave most is repair. In this sense, justice can be another form of repair. It is a continuous need; and as such, does become part of my significance or part of my identity. It also scares me. It does feel like a cage of disregard, a cage of constant stress and hurt with little capacity to handle additional stress and little capacity to relax.
My goal is to relax into peace, to free myself from the pain and fear, to build on the small accomplishments, the small self-attained victories into a more continuous and consistent whole, independent and regardless of their disdain, to let go of the heart ache, the unrequited fearful attachment and the loathing. I see them now as flawed and fallible, sad and fearful, as I myself.
I think I understand now. Thank you Dr. Carter.
It's been a long, weary journey, but I think I can see some light now and a goal to strive for, to feel okay. I hope.
Thanks for the feedback. I truly hope you can find peace.
Wise council ! Thank you Dr Carter! Taking the high road isn’t always easy when emotions barge in, but it’s always best. I don’t want to act like the narcissist.
I don't even know if it's the high road. Most of the time it's just practical to let go so you can have some peace in your life. It's important to be kind to oneself too. We often forget that. Took me a long time to realize that.
Until I said no, I was frustrated (angry)! I got my life back! This cost me a stressed relationship with my son and grandkids. Surviving with her was negative, surviving without her is peaceful!
Thanks for this example of Jane’s story. My thoughts of fulfillment is strengthened by the continued educational podcast you so very kindly deliver. God bless you. ❤
For two reasons I love this question about how I 'digest' the spite of another person, Narcissist or not. By reflecting (mirroring) the same behavior I lower myself to their level. However, plainly stating my displeasure in being mistreated does not have to result in my loss of dignity.
While I have yet to reach this goal because I just hold in rather than speaking my mind until I blow up, I do want to be peaceful, even if just within myself, while coping with someone else's disappointment and anger toward me OR with my own disappointment in myself. It is not always easy to sort this out in the moment though...
They're broken. It's not personal, it's just how they see themselves and the world around them. What are you going to say or do that's going to change that? You can't. You just have to learn to work in your own life and allow them the right to work in theirs.
Exactly.
Completely agree with your point of view. A lot of the more healthy people will also see it like this.
The only snag is that a lot of narcs do NOT see it this way: ... the fact that you try to stay in your world is very offensive to them, they see it as aggression on your behalf. They try to force you to walk into theirs. Depending on your relationship with them, these forced attempts to drag you into their parallel world are easier or more difficult to circumvent ...
I get it! It's rough. Once you decide to only work in your own life, they are going to throw a tantrum. They won't like it, right? Would you? If someone who was giving you an endless supply of attention ended that, wouldn't you be angry? Of course! So, the question is: Are you going to keep giving it to them?
Thank you for reminding us we were made for love and growth and that anger is sometimes a justified response. To find a therapist so deeply rooted in spiritual learning is a gift. Recognising why I feel angry is the key to unlocking my freedom!
I don’t have “spite “ towards the narcissist! My spite be towards myself for going along with this bull! I know the game the angles so I to participate means I’m on bull!!
You could have been telling my story there and there would be so few changes.
My rage is the fire that fules my fight to protect the children of our future.
All my love unconditional
I have nor had any spite. My mother has and had spite for everyone. I went no contact over a year ago. No more putting up with game playing, one upping, talking shit behind my back. What did she get from playing her games and backstabbing me? Why did she insert herself with someone elses lies? Same reason she for the abuse she put upon me with her friends and low down drug addict boyfriends. She has the notion that just because people are older than other's and she can maintain the bullying and fake, false lies she and her fake false friends have tortured everyone with....she good to go. Bully with no truth, lies and game playing. That's a sad life to live. I hope you get the mental help you truly need.
You are free. Very well done ❤️🫂 Enjoy your peace. 🕊
I have dealt with my strong feelings about how some narcs I dealt with at work by actively refusing to become like them.
Every time I get mad, I just resolve even more to not become like them by being nice, kind, and professional.
I don’t play games. Just told her directly she’s a covert narcissist…Let me count the ways. That occurred after my heavy devaluation by her. Incredulous how they all present nearly identical systematic Dr. Jeckel & Mr. Hyde attitudinal shifts. . I mean, you could literally set the clock to their manipulative tactics & inevitable devaluation.
Thank you for educating & enlightening the suffering masses
I hope that Doctor Carter 🙂 and Mrs Carter 💖 and Gus ♥️ have a decent build up to the weekend 💕 , Happy Springtime to y'all 😁
The narcissist wants a reaction its all part of the game, go quiet and leave them alone, game over, they never change and don't fall for their tricks of them coming across as getting better 😉
Game over. 🎯 Well said. ❤
Anger is a strong desire for change. If you listen to it you can find ways of getting the change it wants without the way it initially might have wanted to get change. Once it gets a good share of the change it wanted, it finds contentment.
The change I want is to be heard and understood by the narcissist. The older he gets, I really see who he is… Pathetic whiny victim of his temper, blaming me and nothing will ever change. I do try to not react because reacting seriously hurts me physically with the tension in my neck back and shoulders. I am angry at way too many years wasted.
The spite was leading toward wasting my time . I was so angry , I sidelined all my goals and ruined my energy . I left the anger behind and started a new chapter in my life , I feel free now , not tied to anger anymore . The said relative is now ruining her life , not my problem , it's like her bad energy makes her life as miserable as she made others in the family
Oh how this is meant for me today!! When one gets as lost as I did, it is difficult to figure out where to go or what to do. But slowly figuring that out has helped me not to be spiteful. i was so sick of myself thinking how I could show the narcissists and his flying monkeys what it was like to be hurt over and over. I would walk out to my porch and look around and wonder what the old me would have done. I drew blanks. But then I decided that it was a step in the right direction to just walk out and stand around on the porch and even think of doing something different than that horrible game, of "You got me!! Well, I will show you and get you worse!!" I felt so helpless and depressed. If I didn't try to get them back, would I live a life forever of being run over? I am making progress every day to putting myself together and living. I had some joyful moments yesterday of living from within rather than reacting. It was like magic.
How do you get yourself to live from within? I am struggling with this... to not react when I'm being treated with such meanness and contempt. Over and over.
I was a teacher of children 5 to 12 years old for more than 30 years. We taught the children respect We taught them about emotions and how to manage them. We taught them about trust… We modelled trust. Inner city children with horrendous pasts could learn and wanted to learn. They wanted to be valued for who they were. They could all learn every single one of them. So why can't the narcissist learn basic human decency?
I'm not certain I'm healed enough to feel spite , I'm mostly very grateful that I never have to see my abusers again . 😊 Is spite a feeling an empath would have ? I know that narcs are very spiteful .
Spite wouldn't be a typical character quality for an empath. Gratitude is, however. Kudos to you for that.
Why not ? Individuals with empathy are simply human beings, not some sort of holy angels. If the abuse was bad enough, inflicted multiple times by someone who had the capacity to stop it at any time, but chose to repeatedly hurt another human being... and the person on the other side had little means to stop it, why should that person not feel some sort of spite vs the agressor ?
At some point, every human has the capacity to feel spite in the face of intentional abuse . Whether or not you feel spite is not the issue. What IS the issue: When feelings of spite pop up, how will you deal with these ? So it does not eat you up from the inside, and so it does not harm others -who didnt inflict the abuse- needlessly. If some of it lands back on the head of the initial perp, as some form of karma, -i honestly dont mind that. Just dont needlessly harm yourself (or innocent others) more than necessary.
I feel this was also the message of the video.
Only by being educated after all about narcissism I could live my spite not only towards but against the narcissist. I knew every move and so I could be prepared of it. Yes, I was angry, but not about the things he said and did. I was angry about him saying and doing all those things. To humanity, not only to me.
I look forward to the much needed reminder.
I’m discouraged by this. My narc parents and the results of my childhood didn’t leave me in any sort of a position to have spite or vindictive anger. I simply seek peace. If someone has truly lived the experience of narc enmeshment, control, gaslighting, etc…, they/I mostly just try to fawn and freeze and gray rock and try to just find a life of one’s own. I find this talk today so far beyond anything that would be helpful to most of us who are just trying to find a life.
I am so grateful for your videos, particularly this video. You are truly a gift from God. THANK YOU!
Glad it was helpful!
jane was 2 of my grandmothers' middle name. i very much understand this. spite of the narc toward me, returned with spite toward them leads only to a downward spiral and never-ending battle. don't wrestle with pigs, you just end up in the mud broken bones and all, and they enjoy it.
Usually nowhere! Stay calm and carry on!!!
Gus is so emotionally regulating. I just love that guy ❤️🐶 (& your videos too! Very helpful!).
Listening loud and clear Dr. C.
I thank God for people like you Sir. ❤👍
How kind. Thank you.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I'll likely never meet you but your words of dignity and respect, and walking in the peaceful way that I choose to have been written in my journal numerous times over the last several months and I've shared it with others. Genuinely thank you, you're helping me people than you know. 💛👍
Pure therapy 🎉, thank you for every word, point, comma, question mark and the deep diving into our pain, dear doctor! Found the healing path here!
#TeamHealthy
Thank you for taking the time to make videos on narcissistic parents, I'm 40 and I believe my mother is a narcissist. Your videos on narcissistic parents have helped me.
You are so welcome
Feeling regret. She was lucky to find you early on.🌹.
Needed to hear this. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
Carefully hidden to avoid death.
No spite, nor would I dare seek vengeance, God is witness. One of the reasons the narc. hates me is I cannot be jealous of man or anything in this life, except for God's glory, His righteousness, and the fame of His name.
I get jealous for God's reputation, exaltation and glory. Otherwise,...none. Zero. I'm a sojourner, a foreigner and an exile (I Peter). If you don't feel one,...what Gospel did you receive?
I only pray, "Come and get your glory in this scenario, Lord."
I think I may have received the Gospel when I was 15/16, but we shall see.
Thank you Dr C. This has been an 'ah ha moment' catalyst for me.
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you so much dr C.
Beyond the words,
this is the choice between life and death.
This is the choice between the meaning of life and the total meaninglessness.
Most probably, besides our choice for life,
it's the only communication we could ever send to our narcissists, even if 90% of them won't understand it at all... But, for anyone who possibly wants to understand it, the message is there.
*This video goes very close to one of the biggest answers I was looking for.*
Moreover, the story of Jane reminds me that around my 20s, during one of my "journaling attacks", I explicitly wrote something very similar (without knowing anything about the narcissistic abuse I was in, still I knew there was something seriously wrong in their behaviour. And neverthless, I kept on blaming myself as the only guilty person. I hadn't any self-confidence nor self-compassion)... Now, it pains me to remember what happened to me in the following 30 years... also because I didn't met a therapist as good as Dr C, but I met a total incompetent one.
I mean, in Italy still today the narcissistic abuse is quite unknown. Just imagine 2 or 3 decades ago. I was guided by my therapist - she was a woman - to generically work on my anxiety issue, as if it were a "simple" anxiety issue of a young woman. But in reality, as I learned some months ago... I had already all the signs of cptsd.
The difference for me between the narc's spite and my own is that I don't act on it. I tend to ruminate on their spiteful actions, but i refuse to do the same spiteful things back to them. After 35 years, my narcissist left me 3 weeks ago without a word (just a text claiming how much they loved me). I could only describe the manner in which they left as spiteful and immature. At the same time though, I can feel their relationship wounds and I have pity for them and not spite or revenge. In a way I am glad they left the way they did. As Dr. C said in a previous video; "I release you". Blessing to everyone who has been abused by a narcissist.
Dr. C., you have character, and an inate ability to understand the human condition in a most prolific way.
If I had the opportunity to seek help with a therapist with a modicum of your understanding, I would have found a priceless source for discovery. I continue to look to you with your online advice because you have helped me cope in a very substantial way
God bless you!
Thanks for taking the time to be an encourager. It means a lot to me.
Holy cow. I just had a lightbulb moment at 5:40. wow.........
I live I Quebec, Canada and I find the people very destructive. It's hard to be loving. Very hard.
Thanks ~ needed to hear this. Its my goal but the curveballs keep coming and I forgot. Keep up the great encouragement ~ we appreciate it!
That’s my story. Go Jane. Go all the Jane’s! ❤
Hope your cold goes away soon Dr Carter.
I met with my narc sister and brother in law… quietly and calmly nearly a year ago… I prayed before the meeting to stay calm and just ask a few questions and listen. I believe they both knew by the time I left that I had them figured out. I also expressed before I left that we saw different view of how things went after my Moms passing and I did not feel we could be in contact anymore. During the meeting is was told that I was articulating and my brother in law reminded me several times that he is not the forgiving kind. Life has been more peaceful since , probably for all of us!
I feel like this video was made for me. Thank you very much ❤
Thank you, Dr. Carter, for your instructional videos. This one in particular hit close to home. My life closely paralleled your patient's life. Even though the narcissist in my life passed away a few years ago, I'm still working through some residual feelings. You've answered questions and spoke about the things I've grappled with my entire life. I'm forever grateful.
So pleased for you.
BEAUTIFUL !
Gosh, what an awesome, positive and redemptive message. Thank you!
You are so welcome
I've come across a few narcissists. At one point, I had a pair of managers, both narcissists. My situation was not anywhere near as serious as familial abuse, but I was still angry and hurt. They pulled a lot of stunts on everyone who reported to them. After a year and a half, I was fired, which at least got me out of the situation. Prayer helped me cope. I've prayed for those two many times. They are both broken human beings.
My dad is such a NARC I told him i might die from cancer in 6 months, he said, oh some woman died down the rd and anyway, he then said, he had to go, because the footy was about to start.... no call back, no empathy, nothing.
This was so helpful!!!! The story of the gal is very similar to mine. I repent of the spite from the anger and I forgive myself. I am doing better at self care and boundries after finding your channel 2 years ago. Looking to help others and love on them with kindness. God bless you and your ministery, Dr. C!!!
Jane’s story is my story. It’s hard to find a better way to channel the resentment but it is possible. Many blessings to whomever this woman is. You are not alone.
It’s leading us to its source, narcissist!
Dr. C., your session today is my all time favorite. The silent, awful feelings are addressed and I feel heard.❤ “The best revenge is a healthy me.” I am almost free. My head will be clear and I will be of service to others. That is my dream. Thank you so much for the clarity. You are the best. Jane is awesome! ❤🎉🫂
Keep leaning forward!
best work yet
Thanks.
I felt this message on a deep level! The need for significance is magnified after a relationship with a narcissist. Thank you.
Sometimes i get pissed
Thank you Dr. C…I LOVE YOU !!!!
Thank you ❤. (You're amazing.) Have a very nice Easter. (May you receive many blessings.)
You're very kind. Thank you.
Thank you Dr Carter
Extraordinarily beautiful video Les. So grateful and appreciative✨🌻💛🍃🐾thank you. A lot to contemplate in this. I will be watching again over the next few days.
You are so welcome, Andrea.
I want to be as peaceful as Gus.
Thank you so much for this video. Your point was eye-opening to me--I want to figure out what my anger towards a narcissistic father really means and what I need to do with that information to make a better life.
I have decided to turn my spite into positivity. I am taking my doctorate in psychotherapy now. 2 years out of the incomprehensible relationship. It’s about a way forward, finding a way to peace and about helping others. Your words of wisdom are precious Dr. C. Endless thanks!
Pain can lead to growth if you allow it. That will be a great message to maintain as you begin your therapy practice. Best wishes to you!
My brother and sister attack me and tries to make me feel hatred.
My parents just target my happiness and try to make me feel small
This message couldn't be more timely for me right now. Thank you!
There really is something truly precious about his teaching... The Bible is adamant about the world's blindness to its true condition. We live in a world of narcissists, and God's call for Christians is to help them open their eyes to see their true condition in a way that is consistent with God's loving, gentle, corrective nature. I know that psychologist tells us that narcissists rarely realize the error of their ways, but I think the Bible challenges us to be bigger than simply give up and teaches us ways that we can't help them discover the error of their ways. The Bible gives us repentance, community, enchantment, and a relationship with God. Those are the first steps to being born again.
Tysm for this post. I really needed this one, ty
Xo
Unfortunately I made a lot of stupid decisions in my life attempting to spite my narcissistic mother & ex husband. Decisions I regret. I only hurt myself.
I have that "hard anger" for my xdil. She is destroying my son (only child) and my granddaughter. I have been taken advantage of by her on so many levels. I have such venom for her, if i am around her and hear and see her manipulations, of my loved ones, i become livid and call her on it. Always causing an up roar. I hate that i lose control, but my protection momma comes out. Searching for my place of peace.
The work narc used others to try and put me in a situation. Thanks to my education in this subject I responded instead of reacting, gave civil answers grounded in fact and then disconnected for a couple of days in order to work through a plan. Yes, I was angry for being treated disrespectfully, but I realized the flying monkeys were being bullied as well. It can all wait until Monday, I can almost hear them gnashing their teeth in frustration. 😅
Needed this one today, thank you dr c. And I hope gus is doing better ✌
This advice had perfect timing. I’m literally finishing a letter to put my MIL on blast and you helped me recenter my mind and revise the letter to remove ego. It is still firm but the firmness comes from self love rather than ego. I’m also having my therapist approve it just in case but thank you for getting my mind wrapped in “decency, goodness and love”. ❤️
My adult 60yr old son has almost destroyed me I'm almost 80 his abuse towards me has been soul destroying 💔 he's abused his family and gone silent all for the sake of a woman this no 6 it always ends up the same with his abuse towards us all he's been violent with his woman in the past but now thinks he's found the perfect partner but at the expense of his adult children his grandchildren and myself I have told him I will no longer allow him to treat me like a trash bag and said goodbye to him it just broke my heart but I could see no other Way I am having counselling and with your videos dr carter I'm getting stronger god bless you and your family and little gus from Australia 🇦🇺