My sister bullied me for years from childhood into adulthood, she called me miss piggy, would flick my nose and make boinging sounds and she would do it in front of others to embarrass and shame me. She always wanted to measure around my legs, and compare them to her smaller size legs, she would put my jeans on, and say, I can take them off without even unzipping them. Years later, I started to get in really good shape, and she could never compliment me, in fact, she looked to find something wrong with me yet again.
Sad she won't ever get it be glad you're not like her and one of them is you're doing something right to have the devil hate you like that he can't have you you belong to the winning team, me too!
I hear ya. Mine was/is one and the same. And she wonders why we don’t “hang around together”. It’s from childhood to adulthood. Ongoing. They never change.
Because THEY ARE children. They are babies or toddlers stuck in an adult body struggling with how to function with a baby mind in an adult body and chronological age.
Even if you help and stay close to a narcisist, attending to their needs, they can't accept your happiness and will do everything in their power to destroy it, I think that's the most unbearable truth to accept and deal with, they are incredibly selfish individuals 🧐
@@markjayw666 You are so correct. The ass-kissing must stop, for the sake of human dignity. Don't let yourself be dominated, deceived, defined or demolished by these dictatorial sociopathic shiftless discontents who cannot bear the thought that other humans have a right to their dignity, have inherent worth. . .
“If you’re a giver, remember to learn your limits . . . Because the takers don’t have any.” I saw this meme on the web a few days ago, so succinct. Thank you, Dr, Carter, for your work towards Team Healthy. You’ve been a tremendous blessing to so many, not least of all, yours truly. 👨🏼🎨❤️
When you say giving, there are so many ways you can give of yourself in life. Yes, sometimes selfless giving is the greatest gift for your own heart. Learn when it becomes damaging to your energy, you’re risking your health and things that you can’t put a value on.
@@MrsIndy-nh1ydTrue. When you've had a family you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater. I have been going back and forth on contact or no contact with my mother when my father passes. As devastating she has been in my life, I do also realize that the image my children have of me is a distortion. Walking away completely may teach my children disrespect and abandonment of the elderly. I want my children to learn from this and not to fall into another snare. I appreciate Dr Carter recognizing that some can't just walk away. I need all the help determining how to proceed. I also have grandchildren. My grandparents were a huge part of the person I am. I can give my grandchildren love.
We get addicted to our own giving and loving nature in relation to narcissist, there is no one there to love, love yourself the only one who will appreciate your love.
I believe that the most difficult skill to master to stay free from a narcissist is radical acceptance. We had desperately wanted the narcissist to be reasonable and have common sense, but the problem is, narcissists lack empathy and do not care about your feelings or emotions. The more we try to reason with such unreasonable people, the more we ended up getting bitter.
So true! Bitter’s a poison I swallowed and wallowed in self-pity for awhile. Thankfully, I’m seeing the Light & growing stronger. Thanks for saying this! Thanks Dr. C, Gus, and TH!
It is an addiction. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are literally physically addicted to the chemicals produced in their brains & bodies when they cause others pain & distress. Following their addiction can often lead to psychopathy unfortunately & we cannot expect reasonableness.
We have to be the ones who decide on our standards of behaviour, no matter how they behave. Keep your own standards & feel good about yourself. All the best.
I'm trying not to hear the horror, free choice to mimic ugly, I'm dead meat, let's cry, improperly, please help these people, Lord, you see the ugly, please stop me,
That evil person you see under the mask is who the narcissist is. Imagine that creature alone with itself. The thoughts it has must be horrible. Its a Gollum.
Perfect! Even when we lose friends to the N, life is good! So much to do and so much beauty. I'll take a great book, gardening and exercising over the N and his monkeys
In my efforts to cope with a narcissistic brother and mother my life got better and better. I would have felt sorry for them if they weren’t so mean. The narcissist is never happy.
Gus gives me peace in his still serenity. Knowing he is perfectly well taken care of, and safe and his environment. He is what we all hope for to achieve in our own existence. We all live in our pet family where animals teach us to be.
You were a part of my very successful handling of dealing with a narcissistic sister and flying monkey sisters-in-law. I very often internally repeated your words "No thanks, I'm leaving the arena. Watch me live a life of goodness." I did it!! It is 4+ years now since I stood up for myself. Thank you so much Dr. C. I love the situation now. It is just how I hoped it would be. You CAN get to a place of peace with yourself. May all of you keep going and stay strong.. xoxo
Going into their crazyland is never, ever, ever an option. The black hole grows ever deeper and their hatred of you only grows even when they get 100% deference from anybody.
How truly "likeable" is the narcissist you think you are "trauma bonded" with? Sit down, pen and paper, and make a list. Likable vs unlikable. Are the real links/addictions/connections material based? Surface based? Work on self first, and the knots unravel. Where there's a will for escape, the road to it will rise.
My policy is that if someone is hurting me, I'm going to get that person out of my life no matter what I have to do. Change jobs, change location, end relationships, get big and scary myself.... I don't care what I have to do. I'm not living with someone like that. I'm not settling for a life of pain management.
It’s such a counterintuitive concept to understand to someone who is the target of a narcissist. Your generosity, loving nature makes them resent you even more! It doesn’t make sense but that’s the truth. They find a way to criticize your generosity. Ever been called cheap? Weak? Well that’s their response to kindness.
Narcissists are fake, phoney and false. They assume you are too, that your authentic service to others is also a manipulative tactic to get something. Why would you suck-up to someone else when you're supposed to be catering to them? Why are you wasting your time on people who can't reciprocate? Any notion that you're actually a compassionate, loving ... person is Baffling and cannot possibly be true because it's not true about them when the pretend to be such a person. So they want to know, What's the Deal? Surely you have an ulterior motive they can't figure out and it makes them crazy they can't uncover your ulterior motives (which you don't have).
They are committed to picking fights and causing problems that they then blame on you. I totally believe in prayer. It’s the only way out. Another tip- keep those who truly matter to the smallest number possible. Namely your own family. Example : there’s 4 in mine. 2 barely grown sons and my husband. I have nurtured healthy relationships with my sons and we all know what narcissism is. When they do have girlfriends they know what to watch for and they know a healthy gf won’t cause problems between them and me…. But really when all else fails- PRAY. It works! There is a higher power that cares deeply for you. He cares about what you care about.
The Serenity Prayer can help..& the slogans.. One day at a time... Keep it simple.. We have to heal our souls from within & go from there.. It takes time to do this...❤️🩹🌿🕉
For many years there was an unspoken rule that I wasn't allowed to talk badly/tell the truth about the covert narc I was married (33+ years) to or the narc's family. There was a lot of anxiety that I had as to what could happen if I dare spoke up to people about the narc abuse that was going on. I shouldn't have stayed quiet.
Try telling this to a victim of narcissistic abuse who is trauma bonded, co dependent and who presents with attachment disorder. To others, before they become entangled 1) walk away for your own mental well being 2) g rock 3) walk away and maintain NO contact. Focus inwards which takes courage and honesty. We need to love ourselves before we can give love. There's plenty of good in this world but there are also twisted and insidious individuals just waiting to ensnare you. Learn about the red flags to watch for and save yourself from the pain, grief and sequelae that results from playing from the narc's playbook.
Thank you for excellent insights dr. Carter . . Reminder : narcissists have evil intentions all the time , even if they speak "nice". Never try to help them , put strong boundaries , limit communication, or still better . No contact! Evil is destroying itself , we should never intervene in their destructive process. Blessings . 🥰
@Kittykat79NY you gotta start somewhere with boundaries. just keep at it. my light bulb 💡 moment was getting sick and tired of being sick and tired lol. keep in mind, when people get pissed off with boundaries, it's because they were benefitting from there being none in the first place. all the best, steven.
I’m happy to say that good early childhood teachers, and grade school teachers too, teach children how to interact with each other using boundaries and using their words. They are so much better at this than teachers 30 or 40 years ago.
@lillianbarker4292 teachers can be a valuable asset, however at the end of the day, it should be the ultimate responsibility of the parents to teach their kids about toxic behaviors such as narcissism.
I'm no longer the supply for the narcissist. I k ow how now to play for the long game for those who count. It's a beautiful place. Thanks, Dr Carter....
I just walked the hell out for good that’s what I did right from the start I refused to hear anything said it would only be lies. Narcissists are needy they need someone to badger to give them that feeling of control they’re twisted so don’t waste your time they’ll never feel anything they’re incapable
The idea of ambiguity reminds me of all the times my mom wouldn’t give me details such as when she was going to arrive or that she was bringing a friend or when she planned to leave. I must have been 40 when I caught on that it wasn’t normal. She brought her chaos along with her and I was expected to roll with the punches.
Me, too, as the scapegoat. Of course, my golden child brother always knew, same with my children. Now that she’s alienated my 3 adult daughters (who live in another state), she doesn’t even call. Good-I’m going little to no contact from her narcissistic abuse!
I got talked out of my home and my equity by a narcissist who wrecked my life l and thought nothing of it. I've been trying to rationalize it, but there is no excuse for the evil this person unleashed upon me. It's so difficult to keep myself from wishing horrible things on this person, but it wastes so much of my time and energy. I just have to focus on the right now.
Thank you for your help! I used to think Narcissists were all obnoxious, bullies and self-centered. I had a covert narcissist ex, which was good because it helped see my Mother as a covert narcissist. My 6 siblings are constantly picking fights over petty things and cruel to each other. I moved away a long time ago for self preservation. Coverts are tricky. They have well rehearsed kind and even fun public faces that go away at home. I am seeing a therapist, I am my Mother’s scapegoat, thankfully!
Me 2 😊 I finally realized the truth in the same way & long ago went no contact from family ❤️🩹 the passive aggressive narcissist who was altruistic in public taught me more about those childhood dynamics than any other therapy in 65 years
Me, too! I assume you meant to say you’re no longer your mom’s scapegoat. Through my new therapist for C-PTSD, I learned my mom is a covert narc, and am being set free of being her scapegoat 61 1/2 years!
Those that believe in prayer…prayer pls for someone so abused that they are trauma bonded and having trouble making clear decisions to save their life. The N. is causing them further health problems…thanks. Thinking that empathetic-types tend to have less self-preservation, as benevolent as they are…just my thoughts. Looking forward to watching this and learning more. Evil never wins despite what it may look like now on earth…the narcs are not happy and they drag others down to their level in my experience. Cutting the cord is the only way
I prayed for your friend who is trauma-bonded and being abused. I am so sorry. I know what it feels like to have a friend who is so steeped in the narcissistic fog that he or she cannot think clearly and stays in the relationship even though it is (from my vantage point) destroying their life. Would you please pray for my friend who is trauma-bonded too?
Take responsibility for your life and don’t expect invisible sky daddy to answer your prayers. He won’t because he doesn’t exist. When will you gawwdamn religious dopes quit with your f);($,n nonsense???????????
I miss my Sandy too. She was just 9 years old and got sick the day after her birthday. Cancer, DARN it, we didn't know she was sick. She was the best dog ever. A beautiful German Shepherd. My heart has a huge crater in it and always will. Love to both of our Sandys❤. Thanks for sharing.
Binary thinking is torturous, we must learn to live with ambiguity, we can not change others, only ourselves and we must do so in order to make it through with our dignity, respect and civility in place. Thank you so much dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤
THE SERENITY PRAYER God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change T courage to change the things I can And the wisdom to know the difference. I've heard this prayer through my Sister a long time ago.
I used to always keep a copy of Narcissus beside me to ward off evil doers. I was too young to understand narcissism, but the fact I am still here and my narc abusers have met their fate speaks volumes.
5:40 I read The Discourses of Epictetus a long time ago. He was a major Stoic philosopher and stoic philosophy teaches What you can control and what you can't. Basically all you can control are your thoughts and reactions. (Since you can get sick, you can't even really totally control your body.) It really helps. Also, Al-Anon teaches the "victim" to go on with life no matter what the narcissist (alcoholic) does. It really helps and you can talk out your frustrations with sympathetic, knowledgeable people.
Thank you Dr. Carter. I was just layed off work this week. During the termination meeting, I was sad but accepting that it was time for me to move on for my health, etc.. Although the letter claims the layoff was due to restructuring, it was apparent that the Store Manager had a personal agenda involved which was made clear when I received a particularly sadistic-looking smirk on his face when he concluded reading the termination notice to me. I suspect that the store manager is high in narcissistic characteristics and I accept that I have no ability to change him. Thank you again, Dr. Carter for your help to recognise and accept reality; I will try to stay firmly set in my good character and move on with hope rather than being a victim.
Well done . You can now go and get a better job with less stress and no longer have to deal with this toxic individual . It’s a positive for you at the time you won’t see it but it is there . He can be someone else’s problem now he did you a big favour . My mums a narc and they get worse . Good luck 🤞
1. We are limited in what we can change. 2. Imperative thinking doesn't work. 3. Judgmental thinking keeps you in turmoil. 4. There are many traps in codependent thinking - reacting to what rhey do and say. 5. I have today. What characteristics and priorities am I going to focus on at the present time? 6. Binary thinking is tormenting. Love is real, kindness matter, there are still good people. Disappointments don't define me. I will have a good lufe despite what the troubled person has brought to me.
Thank you Dr Les and Gus for an excellent video. My mother is a sociopath, my father is a malignant narcissist. After a good decade of work, this is what I now understand... 1. They hurt you/get in where you need healing 2. The vile lies they tell about you to slander and smear you results in you having to heal your persecution wounds and not care what others think 3. You need to build your own identity and heal all inner child wounds BUT once you do that, you reach a higher level of ascension and awakening where they can't touch you, you don't care what others think of you THEN quantum law kicks in, as within so without, and higher powers start reacting to your core vibration BECAUSE you've healed and they can't get in. Then there's nothing for them to destroy, the energy turns back on them and people start realising something isn't right, they slip up and make mistakes, others start to see the true them and move away etc. Once you heal and hold your own vibration, they can't get to you resulting in their truth being revealed to others.
exactly you don't care what they think of you, they are irrelevant, you almost feel sorry for them. It's freeing because they don't matter. takes a lot of work and a lot of letting go and you realize you matter and say whats good for you and don't let them walk all over you with their narrow minds
I used to be confused about my older brother's behavior. I used to ring him almost daily ... he would ring me every year. Kind of a big imbalance. When I confronted him the reply was 'if anyone wants to talk to me , they can ring me' >>>>> ENTITLEMENT !!!! No reciprocity.
I learned (late, but not too late) that it helps to match the effort that the other person is putting out. I have become better at figuring out what is Just Enough to do, instead of being Goody Two Shoes and doing too much, then getting disappointed.
@@barbarakelly1916 Yes, how true. They love to exploit your good nature >>> to their advantage. We are really stupid by being too nice. Mentally sick zombies they are hahah
Your brother is obviously all about himself, no empathy for others. It makes such a person feel 'superior' to others. Others are not worthy or good enough for him to talk to, unless you talk to them first. It's whack plain and simple.
@@kennethlapointesongwriter3330You remind me of my brother in law. When his father needed surgeries and we were finding ways to travel to visit but couldn't be there and needed him to go wanted to know who was going to pay his gas. 🤯 It's your father! I guess he is so entitled he couldn't be expected to do anything without compensation.
@@well_weathered Interesting these 'species' have a warped way of thinking. My old mother eventually lived by herself and all us kids would go and visit her occasionally. When i asked my older brother to go visit her the response was 'I haven't got the time ... can't afford the petrol etc etc'. After she died in our group meeting online > on her birthday, he would say what a great woman she was'....... praise in death but no effort when she was alive. Figure that out.
Dr. Carter, thank you for your help. I have a counselor. One month and four days of no-contact with my narcissistic dad. I still think about him. My life is so much better and easier without dealing with him. I feel free!
@@well_weathered But, as you suspect, as far as I know, my first experience was with a spouse. Upon later study, I suspect my spouse had her own dealings within her own family.
Powerful and impactful therapy to start my day! Ambiguity exists for my peace. I’ll have to watch this one a few more times for it to sink in. Thanks for caring and carrying me through the most difficult life’s journey I’ve had to experience. DrC ❤️
It takes a full & intentional year of focus on yourself to break a trauma bond ❤️🩹 then like a drowning person who’s been held prisoner underwater you will slowly rise to the surface & find yourself breathing in whole lungfuls of fresh air again 😊 cognitive dissonance will have dissipated & the stages of grief for that fantasy will be worked through so you have some hope
They create a high- low, an emotional rollercoaster ride. Without going near them, struggling high low yes no maybe no no.... Letting go of a person who does not see from your perspective can be impossible. Yes there is tension, and an impossibility to deal with stubborn people who refuse to hear your side of the equation. Your side does not matter. Your situation does not matter. You never mattered. Only they did. Their need. Their want. It wasn't about you. They never met you half way. Then never engaged you in a discussion. They never showed any care... about the importance in what your life was going through. You can only change yourself. And in a group situation the group turns against you for non compliance. So it's a never win situation. It's impossible to deal with a multitude of narcissists. And their flying monkeys. They may be wrong for this or that reason, and you can't change them. In the end you have to walk away. There's no peace possible, they will not negotiate.
How truly "likeable" is the narcissist you think you are "trauma bonded" with? Sit down, pen and paper, and make a list. Likable vs unlikable. Are the real links/addictions/connections material based? Surface based? Work on self first, and the knots unravel. Where there's a will for escape, the road to it will rise.
It’s not impossible! Moving on in your life and feeling free of abuse helps! Once you get this education it becomes easy! Keep learning! I find the hardest thing to heal is ruminating alone and alienating at home afraid of people and hating and not trusting people anymore! 🥺
The most difficult part, for those of us who have cut ties, is getting away from them when they are coercively controlling components of your life, especially finances, career, living space, ability to go anywhere without them running interference, etc.
Thank you Dr. C! After almost 50 years I'm finally learning how to survive in my relationship (understanding my reality of the situation) and finding more happy moments for myself. I didn't find it through self-focus methods but through GOD focused love which runs mutual. My Lord offers me a free gift of forgiveness and love! Friends who share my mutual love for Jesus is also rewarding!
Thank you for these videos, Dr. Carter! We lost my Mom 3 months ago but the reality was that her narcissistic husband had become such a nasty controlling jerk that we lost her joyful self about two years ago as he made the relationship erratic, mean, and hateful toward her and us. I have decided to go no contact with him ever again. That has brought me some conflict but much more peace. I have watched your videos and they have helped me gain awareness and set my own boundaries. When I die and stand in judgement, I can accept that I ended this controlling relationship without any regrets.
Thank you for this video Dr Carter , I found a sense of peace today by praying this morning for my tormentors to experience a happy and blissful life … I experienced after doing that a sense of peace settle over me 🙏
I’m assuming this strategy is if you cannot go no contact? I don’t think that was mentioned in the video. No contact is the best solution in my opinion and I’ve been there several times after trying for years to live with and maneuvering around the narcissists unpredictable explosive nature. It’s a fine line you end up walking trying to be reasonable with a narcissist. Your feet get very sore walking on eggshells all the time. If you just cannot go no contact for work or complicated family reasons then this is great advice, god bless you.
My ex is a covert narcissist and I have a small child with her. That’s something I had to learn and accept early that she is who she is, no matter how much I used to fight and argue with her and try to change her mind or have her view common sense. She’s who she’s going tobe so I had to learn to let it go. I’m grey rock around her and keep things surface level unless it has something to do with my daughter. Took a long time to let it go but when I did a weight of stress fell off my shoulders and I could purely focus on myself and having that breathing room away from her.
Hello team healthy. Gotta share this story. My 102 year mom is wearing down, hospice is working with her maybe couple days. My71 year old brother is true narcissist he and his wife have been taking care of her for last couple of years at mom’s house. I mentioned to my sister the song “I did it my way” should be somewhere in her funeral. She mentioned it to brother about this song. My brother responded that the song should be “we did it our way”. Wow. I will not dignify a response to this but had to share this note. Blessings to all of you.
Dr. Guard Carter, you are a GIF to so many of us. My life has been stabilized. I am strengthened and I am moving along well finally I embrace who I am no longer needy no longer tolerated so much better thank you they are helpless dangerous people married to one more than 30 years, I am free emotionally. Mentally you are an extraordinary teacher.
Hard to accept less than perfect ... it's tough. Peace in midst of chaos ...quite honestly, I'm 73 and STILL wandering in the wilderness. Will I ever get there this side of heaven?
Thanks again. I love the bit about living with ambiguity, and ‘there are sometimes not clear solutions’ that is very powerful. My narcissist has gone into hiding.I never see him. I am moving forward in a healthy way. There is so much to do in life.things that are fun.that narcissist is not in charge of me. Thanks for your support dr carter. Rock on. Judy from uk
Yes, this is hard. I am trying to be more like my most beloved types of dogs, shepherds, as I move forward. They are loving & protective of their own, but they move on with their life & duties regardless of bad actors who may come by. In the past I have only been focused on kindness, but you must also have the necessary roughness & stoicism, like shepherd dogs. ❤
I’m back meditating and reading my spiritual books and it’s something I always did and yet I never really felt comfortable doing that because .. if I wanted to read I’d be accused later on that switch behaviour scrutiny and so on.. apparently it’s because I was being distant with him lately.. I was sat at the side of him. I’m taking a good year or 2 to heal ❤
This is exactly what our therapist has been trying to tell me. The uncertainty in life feels so overwhelming. I find it so hard to accept and really appreciate this video expounding on this. ❤
Ambiguity, love and good people exist,have it. Shakespeare's Polonius said in Macbeth, "To each their own." is my advice to narcissist. I see they are going to start in, and I've tried to explaining physics to my parents when I was younger. I give in to noble silence everytime now. True, the mental and or physical distance must be maintained for me. I didnt know why, but do now. 20/20 hindsight I got triggered with gaslighting like a moth to the flame. Thanks for the guidance Doctor Carter!🙏🧐
I love this channel because it isn’t focused solely on romantic relationships as most of them are. I can’t begin to describe how much these videos have changed my life. It has provided me with the coping skills I desperately needed to survive my lifelong relationship with a narcissist. The best lesson I’ve learned is that I’m not crazy after all. I should have been able to see that just by watching her deteriorated relationships with everyone else in her life including a restraining order from her son, but the power and mind games perpetrated by narcissists are a force to be reckoned with. Thank you Dr C for these amazing videos.
Your advice is surprisingly accurate when it comes to an engineer having to work in a corporate place. There's also never-ending ambiguity and never-satisfied hope for reason... Thank you!
Thank you Dr C!! You have a way of helping us see there is life beyond the trap & being "turned every which way but loose" by this unhealthy relationship. ❤
I have had to simply go no contact. My mother is a very abusive narcissist and my father & siblings enable her. I’ve moved across the country and been forced out of survival to have nothing to do with them.
Thanks Doc. It’s an ongoing process to get to peace. But ultimately you have to make a choice. I am trying very hard to choose the light and be mindful of my approach to everyday life. This video was very helpful, thank you. I still feel pity for my exwife. She lives in a world that is devoid of trust, vulnerability authenticity and openness. It must be horrible to be trapped in your own prison, too fearful to be honest with yourself, your family or the world.
I am now free from my malignant narcissist husband. ❤ Been two and a half years. The no contact is not 100% but as time goes it will be... Soon. God willing. Very little contact at the moment. Which is life changing for the better. I am now, 2.5 years into the recovery process. I want to say, please, the recovery process is almost just as bad as the abuse at times. If you suffered emotional spousal abuse by a malignant narc spouse and in particularly one who used reactionary abuse mind games on you. If you were emotionally psychopathically abused by one, as a spouse, on a high scale. The recovery process will include many things and including some shock at realizing what really happened and the list goes on.. Yes, get out as soon as you can. 🎉
I wish i did not feel guilty for going no contact, it's very easy when they're not contacting you either, but when they, in my case my father, text out of the blue asking why i still haven't called, when he asked me to after my mom has passed.. the mom who he mistreated and blamed all the divorce on. i hate the guilt of it all, its not that im 100% innocent, because i kno im not, but i cant do any more toxic anything anymore. ❤
My issue with a narcissist is trying to get them to see what they are doing vs what they think or feel what they are doing. Yet I already know they don’t care nor do they want to care because their agenda is always first on that agenda.
This scenario was ambiguous to its fullest potential. I had to be steadfast in my thoughts asking for assistance from Tarot readers for truth and clarity. His behavior was obnoxious with irrelevant information. I knew this person through a medical encounter causing me to have trust in him, consequently never to doubt his character. I was very disappointed at this outcome. I am very grateful that there were outlets for contact as this person was a numerologist with powers of decrement, claiming to have knowledge for a better future. I was totally surprised when he acknowledged that we were soul mates and twin flames Feeling very blessed to have saved ties. Starting to feel wholesome and happy within, I feel very blessed to have reach this level of peace, respect and integrity. Thank you so much for your ongoing support. God bless, ❤
I just needed to hear this today. I needed to be reminded to hold on to love, kindness & know that there are good people out there. Thank you, Dr. C for this reminder.
My teenage daughter was being very unkind, and I grew quiet. Then she asked, contemptuously, “What, are your feelings hurt?” I responded dispassionately, “I’m just observing.” And then to myself I added, “And not absorbing.”
Dr. Carter, this is one of your best. That was me, getting all upset at idiots not understanding logic, and common sense, but they are allowed free will. I just need to stop accepting idiots, and bailing out idiots financially.
Thank you very much dr Carter. ALL you say is absolutely eminent true and full of knowledge. I do not have any NPD partner now living with me but plenty of people like friends exbosses extended family and some N elementy I recognize in my grown up son living working in a diff country but coming home to stay. Thank you for your making me aware. And its always nice to hear you see you and your dog in a nice looking room. All the Best.
Great insights! Thank you Dr. C. This may be one of your best videos yet. You are saving lives for those of us teetering on the abyss of devastating negative self-talk. Your voice and professionalism is needed in our broken world. You have an insight of the gospel that is really great as well - and needed. We need you! Thank you for your labor of love- to help us become happy and loved and free!
I wrote down my goals and reach a higher level of peace and consciousness was at the top. I went to my Aunt Funeral two weeks ago. I knew my peace would be tested . After the funeral I knew I would never speak to my family again because of their Narcissism and toxicity. Since then my Narcissistic daughter has called me after not speaking for 3 years trying to blame me for HER bad decisions! This may be harsh but I said” Don’t EVER contact me again, and if you weren’t dead to me you are now” I don’t feel bad at all! Trust I’m not telling the whole story but it’s a lot!
So much truth! Long journey of learning to live in ambiguity; but it is doable. I encourage those who are still in a confused and frustrated state to listen to you well and to apply your wisdom to their lives.
Thank you for this Dr C! I learn from you and ❤to see Gus resting peacefully ❤.. I realized by living my best life and being my best self (happy) which is the exact opposite of the narcissist.. it's possible but difficult to do but once you can it will be easier I promise ❤.. please remember those folks are dangerous and never going to change
Thank-you, Dr. Carter. I really needed this podcast today. I can see the issues I'm battling. I appreciate your blunt honesty and I understand why - to help us let go of the effects of narcissistic abuse.
My sister bullied me for years from childhood into adulthood, she called me miss piggy, would flick my nose and make boinging sounds and she would do it in front of others to embarrass and shame me. She always wanted to measure around my legs, and compare them to her smaller size legs, she would put my jeans on, and say, I can take them off without even unzipping them. Years later, I started to get in really good shape, and she could never compliment me, in fact, she looked to find something wrong with me yet again.
Sad she won't ever get it be glad you're not like her and one of them is you're doing something right to have the devil hate you like that he can't have you you belong to the winning team, me too!
@@gloriabult2967 exactly! Be glad you’re a good soul and see her for what she really is, an insecure, jealous and pitiful sister.
I hear ya. Mine was/is one and the same. And she wonders why we don’t “hang around together”. It’s from childhood to adulthood. Ongoing. They never change.
It says more about how she thinks of herself.
Sick of walking on eggshells around them!
I stopped contact with my narc dad on Easter this year.
Narcissists live in a world of fantasy...when I understood this my life become more simple..
What’s so crazy to me is that they are so toxic they are able to abuse their children and be jealous of them
Unfortunately this is true.. I've seen it in my family unfortunately even animals/pets the narcissist will use for fuel .. these people are not well
Yes!!
Because THEY ARE children. They are babies or toddlers stuck in an adult body struggling with how to function with a baby mind in an adult body and chronological age.
Absolutely, meet my folks& crazy cousins who fling MUD- on Me!!
Four Adult Mother-Despising children... 🤮🤢🤮
Even if you help and stay close to a narcisist, attending to their needs, they can't accept your happiness and will do everything in their power to destroy it, I think that's the most unbearable truth to accept and deal with, they are incredibly selfish individuals 🧐
You cannot help a narc, but you can enable one to continue their patterns. If someone else is gonna enable them, so be it. We need to stop.
Wow...I thought it was just me...
They are big babies with an eye problem too 👀
They are demonic. They hate happiness. They want too remove happiness and kindness from the Planet so they feel more Right.
@@markjayw666 You are so correct.
The ass-kissing must stop, for the sake of human dignity. Don't let yourself be dominated, deceived, defined or demolished by these dictatorial sociopathic shiftless
discontents who cannot bear the thought that other humans have a right to their dignity, have inherent worth. . .
“If you’re a giver, remember to learn your limits . . . Because the takers don’t have any.” I saw this meme on the web a few days ago, so succinct. Thank you, Dr, Carter, for your work towards Team Healthy. You’ve been a tremendous blessing to so many, not least of all, yours truly. 👨🏼🎨❤️
Great quote.
I love this quote. Keeping it!
Thank you!
When you say giving, there are so many ways you can give of yourself in life.
Yes, sometimes selfless giving is the greatest gift for your own heart. Learn when it becomes damaging to your energy, you’re risking your health and things that you can’t put a value on.
@@MrsIndy-nh1ydTrue. When you've had a family you can't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
I have been going back and forth on contact or no contact with my mother when my father passes.
As devastating she has been in my life, I do also realize that the image my children have of me is a distortion.
Walking away completely may teach my children disrespect and abandonment of the elderly. I want my children to learn from this and not to fall into another snare.
I appreciate Dr Carter recognizing that some can't just walk away. I need all the help determining how to proceed.
I also have grandchildren. My grandparents were a huge part of the person I am. I can give my grandchildren love.
@teresanelson931 My heart goes out to you. I'm in a similar situation where going no contact with close family is not feasible.
We get addicted to our own giving and loving nature in relation to narcissist, there is no one there to love, love yourself the only one who will appreciate your love.
It just sounds so self serving to us. Can anyone be truly happy self absorbed?
@@well_weatheredThey can’t be truly happy, but they still try, thinking it just elusive, but if they try harder, they (and they alone) can succeed.
@@aaronkwolfe They can make us think we failed them because they can'tfind it.
@@well_weathered Exactly.
When you put yourself first, you win & they lose 😊 you can almost hear their teeth gnashing
Going no contact and staying that way solves the problem.
It's hard, but so worth it!
@@moorlock2003 how can you do it effectively when you have a child with them? This guy keeps using my child.. m tired
I believe that the most difficult skill to master to stay free from a narcissist is radical acceptance. We had desperately wanted the narcissist to be reasonable and have common sense, but the problem is, narcissists lack empathy and do not care about your feelings or emotions. The more we try to reason with such unreasonable people, the more we ended up getting bitter.
So true! Bitter’s a poison I swallowed and wallowed in self-pity for awhile. Thankfully, I’m seeing the Light & growing stronger.
Thanks for saying this! Thanks Dr. C, Gus, and TH!
The narc I was involved with had two faces. Took advantage of everything holly. This radical acceptance is the only answer. They are sick.
It is an addiction. People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are literally physically addicted to the chemicals produced in their brains & bodies when they cause others pain & distress. Following their addiction can often lead to psychopathy unfortunately & we cannot expect reasonableness.
We have to be the ones who decide on our standards of behaviour, no matter how they behave. Keep your own standards & feel good about yourself. All the best.
Trying to hear your own true voice in your head, and not the narcissists voice…
I agree! You hear how you should be or are expected to be.
I'm trying not to hear the horror, free choice to mimic ugly, I'm dead meat, let's cry, improperly, please help these people, Lord, you see the ugly, please stop me,
Well said
I gave up on dealing with my narc dad. My life is so much better!
That evil person you see under the mask is who the narcissist is. Imagine that creature alone with itself. The thoughts it has must be horrible. Its a Gollum.
Very well put.
Awesome 👌 way to put it, and not on! They're obsessive.
Spot on, I meant to say ❤😂😅
Eeeek
myyyy precioussssss
I am going to have a good life regardless of what the narcissists have brought into my life. Power words!
Good luck with that.,,,unless you're free
Perfect! Even when we lose friends to the N, life is good! So much to do and so much beauty. I'll take a
great book, gardening and exercising over the N and his monkeys
Use mindfulness meditation to develop self love and compassion you need to love and respect yourself the narcissist certainly won't give that to you.
In my efforts to cope with a narcissistic brother and mother my life got better and better. I would have felt sorry for them if they weren’t so mean. The narcissist is never happy.
I will have a great life despite the narcissist(dad).
Gus gives me peace in his still serenity. Knowing he is perfectly well taken care of, and safe and his environment.
He is what we all hope for to achieve in our own existence.
We all live in our pet family where animals teach us to be.
Gus is a special dog.
When you lose with a narcissist you are really the winner
I guess if they are skilled at attacking , we must be skilled in staying free grom their evil . Thank you Dr.Carter .
Perfect!
Through no contact with my narc dad, I exorcised him from my life!
You were a part of my very successful handling of dealing with a narcissistic sister and flying monkey sisters-in-law. I very often internally repeated your words "No thanks, I'm leaving the arena. Watch me live a life of goodness." I did it!! It is 4+ years now since I stood up for myself. Thank you so much Dr. C. I love the situation now. It is just how I hoped it would be. You CAN get to a place of peace with yourself. May all of you keep going and stay strong.. xoxo
Going into their crazyland is never, ever, ever an option. The black hole grows ever deeper and their hatred of you only grows even when they get 100% deference from anybody.
How truly "likeable" is the narcissist you think you are "trauma bonded" with? Sit down, pen and paper, and make a list. Likable vs unlikable. Are the real links/addictions/connections material based? Surface based?
Work on self first, and the knots unravel. Where there's a will for escape, the road to it will rise.
If it's not fair, it's not fun...on the most profound of levels. And if is not fair for long enough, the center will not hold. Thank you Dr. Carter.
Dr. Carter is a gem, a giant among men. Thank you for all you do!
So very true. He is such a blessing to us all!!! 😊 ❤😊
Absolutely! For real ❤
My policy is that if someone is hurting me, I'm going to get that person out of my life no matter what I have to do. Change jobs, change location, end relationships, get big and scary myself.... I don't care what I have to do. I'm not living with someone like that. I'm not settling for a life of pain management.
Very well stated. TY for sharing your clarity
It's my way also
There is no (pain management) in that. Be HAPPY 🌹💜
It’s such a counterintuitive concept to understand to someone who is the target of a narcissist. Your generosity, loving nature makes them resent you even more! It doesn’t make sense but that’s the truth. They find a way to criticize your generosity. Ever been called cheap? Weak? Well that’s their response to kindness.
Narcissists are fake, phoney and false. They assume you are too, that your authentic service to others is also a manipulative tactic to get something. Why would you suck-up to someone else when you're supposed to be catering to them? Why are you wasting your time on people who can't reciprocate? Any notion that you're actually a compassionate, loving ... person is Baffling and cannot possibly be true because it's not true about them when the pretend to be such a person. So they want to know, What's the Deal? Surely you have an ulterior motive they can't figure out and it makes them crazy they can't uncover your ulterior motives (which you don't have).
They are committed to picking fights and causing problems that they then blame on you. I totally believe in prayer. It’s the only way out.
Another tip- keep those who truly matter to the smallest number possible. Namely your own family. Example : there’s 4 in mine. 2 barely grown sons and my husband. I have nurtured healthy relationships with my sons and we all know what narcissism is. When they do have girlfriends they know what to watch for and they know a healthy gf won’t cause problems between them and me….
But really when all else fails- PRAY. It works! There is a higher power that cares deeply for you. He cares about what you care about.
Amen to that 🙏 so very true 🙏
God helps and absolutely listens. Prayers and faith.
Jesus heals and gives hope when there is none anywhere else! Yes, prayer does work!
Praying won’t do doodly squat. 😊
The Serenity Prayer can help..& the slogans..
One day at a time...
Keep it simple..
We have to heal our souls from within & go from there..
It takes time to do this...❤️🩹🌿🕉
For many years there was an unspoken rule that I wasn't allowed to talk badly/tell the truth about the covert narc I was married (33+ years) to or the narc's family. There was a lot of anxiety that I had as to what could happen if I dare spoke up to people about the narc abuse that was going on.
I shouldn't have stayed quiet.
My best time is when he ignores me. I get to breath and relax.
So I am learning to ignore him. Then I can breath anytime I want to.
No evil will NOT win! Overcome evil with good
@@nicholecornes1915 and have nothing to do with the wicked! Flee and go your own way
Try telling this to a victim of narcissistic abuse who is trauma bonded, co dependent and who presents with attachment disorder.
To others, before they become entangled 1) walk away for your own mental well being 2) g rock 3) walk away and maintain NO contact. Focus inwards which takes courage and honesty. We need to love ourselves before we can give love.
There's plenty of good in this world but there are also twisted and insidious individuals just waiting to ensnare you. Learn about the red flags to watch for and save yourself from the pain, grief and sequelae that results from playing from the narc's playbook.
Truth!
Thank you for excellent insights dr. Carter . . Reminder : narcissists have evil intentions all the time , even if they speak "nice".
Never try to help them , put strong boundaries , limit communication, or still better . No contact! Evil is destroying itself ,
we should never intervene in their destructive process. Blessings . 🥰
becoming a boundary bad-ass is a heavily underrated skill that isn't emphasized enough in school and society.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
Agreed! It's a work in progress for me but it should be a taught skill.. start young and we can maybe be better as a whole
@Kittykat79NY you gotta start somewhere with boundaries. just keep at it.
my light bulb 💡 moment was getting sick and tired of being sick and tired lol.
keep in mind, when people get pissed off with boundaries, it's because they were benefitting from there being none in the first place.
all the best, steven.
I’m happy to say that good early childhood teachers, and grade school teachers too, teach children how to interact with each other using boundaries and using their words. They are so much better at this than teachers 30 or 40 years ago.
@lillianbarker4292 teachers can be a valuable asset, however at the end of the day, it should be the ultimate responsibility of the parents to teach their kids about toxic behaviors such as narcissism.
Knowing what narcissism is should be taught in every school as a core requirement!
I'm no longer the supply for the narcissist. I k ow how now to play for the long game for those who count. It's a beautiful place. Thanks, Dr Carter....
I just walked the hell out for good that’s what I did right from the start I refused to hear anything said it would only be lies. Narcissists are needy they need someone to badger to give them that feeling of control they’re twisted so don’t waste your time they’ll never feel anything they’re incapable
The idea of ambiguity reminds me of all the times my mom wouldn’t give me details such as when she was going to arrive or that she was bringing a friend or when she planned to leave. I must have been 40 when I caught on that it wasn’t normal. She brought her chaos along with her and I was expected to roll with the punches.
Me, too, as the scapegoat. Of course, my golden child brother always knew, same with my children. Now that she’s alienated my 3 adult daughters (who live in another state), she doesn’t even call. Good-I’m going little to no contact from her narcissistic abuse!
Big hugs and kisses for Gus
That’s right!
Yes, hug and kiss away on Gus ❤🙂🙏
❤to Gus!He's truly adorable 😍
I got talked out of my home and my equity by a narcissist who wrecked my life l and thought nothing of it. I've been trying to rationalize it, but there is no excuse for the evil this person unleashed upon me. It's so difficult to keep myself from wishing horrible things on this person, but it wastes so much of my time and energy. I just have to focus on the right now.
My mother is such a narcissist she actually abuses her Amazon Alexa. I heard her yell Alexa stop the music! I SAID STOP !
😂
Thank you for your help! I used to think Narcissists were all obnoxious, bullies and self-centered. I had a covert narcissist ex, which was good because it helped see my Mother as a covert narcissist. My 6 siblings are constantly picking fights over petty things and cruel to each other. I moved away a long time ago for self preservation. Coverts are tricky. They have well rehearsed kind and even fun public faces that go away at home. I am seeing a therapist, I am my Mother’s scapegoat, thankfully!
Me 2 😊 I finally realized the truth in the same way & long ago went no contact from family ❤️🩹 the passive aggressive narcissist who was altruistic in public taught me more about those childhood dynamics than any other therapy in 65 years
Me, too! I assume you meant to say you’re no longer your mom’s scapegoat.
Through my new therapist for C-PTSD, I learned my mom is a covert narc, and am being set free of being her scapegoat 61 1/2 years!
Hey Team Healthy friends 😊♥️
Those that believe in prayer…prayer pls for someone so abused that they are trauma bonded and having trouble making clear decisions to save their life. The N. is causing them further health problems…thanks. Thinking that empathetic-types tend to have less self-preservation, as benevolent as they are…just my thoughts.
Looking forward to watching this and learning more. Evil never wins despite what it may look like now on earth…the narcs are not happy and they drag others down to their level in my experience. Cutting the cord is the only way
🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏♥️♥️♥️
Be blessed 🙌 ❤🙏
I prayed for your friend who is trauma-bonded and being abused. I am so sorry. I know what it feels like to have a friend who is so steeped in the narcissistic fog that he or she cannot think clearly and stays in the relationship even though it is (from my vantage point) destroying their life. Would you please pray for my friend who is trauma-bonded too?
🙏🙏🙏🩷🩷❤️♥️🩷
Take responsibility for your life and don’t expect invisible sky daddy to answer your prayers. He won’t because he doesn’t exist. When will you gawwdamn religious dopes quit with your f);($,n nonsense???????????
I love 💕 Gus!!
I miss my little Sandy! 😢She was so sweet! Had her for
(17) yrs. Lovely small dog 🐶.
I cried with her lost. She was so much comfort.❤
I miss my Sandy too. She was just 9 years old and got sick the day after her birthday. Cancer, DARN it, we didn't know she was sick. She was the best dog ever. A beautiful German Shepherd. My heart has a huge crater in it and always will. Love to both of our Sandys❤. Thanks for sharing.
Binary thinking is torturous, we must learn to live with ambiguity, we can not change others, only ourselves and we must do so in order to make it through with our dignity, respect and civility in place. Thank you so much dr Carter ❤ God bless you ❤
THE SERENITY PRAYER
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change
T courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I've heard this prayer through my Sister a long time ago.
@pamwhitehouse5961 the perfect prayer for this situation 🙏 Thank you, so inspiring 🙏 ❤
I used to always keep a copy of Narcissus beside me to ward off evil doers. I was too young to understand narcissism, but the fact I am still here and my narc abusers have met their fate speaks volumes.
5:40 I read The Discourses of Epictetus a long time ago. He was a major Stoic philosopher and stoic philosophy teaches What you can control and what you can't. Basically all you can control are your thoughts and reactions. (Since you can get sick, you can't even really totally control your body.)
It really helps.
Also, Al-Anon teaches the "victim" to go on with life no matter what the narcissist (alcoholic) does. It really helps and you can talk out your frustrations with sympathetic, knowledgeable people.
Thank you Dr. Carter. I was just layed off work this week. During the termination meeting, I was sad but accepting that it was time for me to move on for my health, etc.. Although the letter claims the layoff was due to restructuring, it was apparent that the Store Manager had a personal agenda involved which was made clear when I received a particularly sadistic-looking smirk on his face when he concluded reading the termination notice to me. I suspect that the store manager is high in narcissistic characteristics and I accept that I have no ability to change him.
Thank you again, Dr. Carter for your help to recognise and accept reality; I will try to stay firmly set in my good character and move on with hope rather than being a victim.
Wishing you peace and success! Not getting involved in conflict with the manager is a Big Win!
Well done . You can now go and get a better job with less stress and no longer have to deal with this toxic individual . It’s a positive for you at the time you won’t see it but it is there . He can be someone else’s problem now he did you a big favour . My mums a narc and they get worse . Good luck 🤞
1. We are limited in what we can change.
2. Imperative thinking doesn't work.
3. Judgmental thinking keeps you in turmoil.
4. There are many traps in codependent thinking - reacting to what rhey do and say.
5. I have today. What characteristics and priorities am I going to focus on at the present time?
6. Binary thinking is tormenting.
Love is real, kindness matter, there are still good people. Disappointments don't define me.
I will have a good lufe despite what the troubled person has brought to me.
Thank you for summarizing.
Yes, thank you.❤
I will have a good lufe too !!😅
The best revenge is living well!
Thank you Dr Les and Gus for an excellent video. My mother is a sociopath, my father is a malignant narcissist. After a good decade of work, this is what I now understand... 1. They hurt you/get in where you need healing 2. The vile lies they tell about you to slander and smear you results in you having to heal your persecution wounds and not care what others think 3. You need to build your own identity and heal all inner child wounds BUT once you do that, you reach a higher level of ascension and awakening where they can't touch you, you don't care what others think of you THEN quantum law kicks in, as within so without, and higher powers start reacting to your core vibration BECAUSE you've healed and they can't get in. Then there's nothing for them to destroy, the energy turns back on them and people start realising something isn't right, they slip up and make mistakes, others start to see the true them and move away etc. Once you heal and hold your own vibration, they can't get to you resulting in their truth being revealed to others.
exactly you don't care what they think of you, they are irrelevant, you almost feel sorry for them. It's freeing because they don't matter. takes a lot of work and a lot of letting go and you realize you matter and say whats good for you and don't let them walk all over you with their narrow minds
Sometimes, others do NOT ever see their true personalities, motives, etc. We need enough self-love to accept this, too. It's not fair, but it happens.
I dissociated through most of this and that is the survival skill that I used when around Narcissists..
I used to be confused about my older brother's behavior. I used to ring him almost daily ... he would ring me every year. Kind of a big imbalance. When I confronted him the reply was 'if anyone wants to talk to me , they can ring me' >>>>> ENTITLEMENT !!!! No reciprocity.
I learned (late, but not too late) that it helps to match the effort that the other person is putting out. I have become better at figuring out what is Just Enough to do, instead of being Goody Two Shoes and doing too much, then getting disappointed.
@@barbarakelly1916 Yes, how true. They love to exploit your good nature >>> to their advantage. We are really stupid by being too nice. Mentally sick zombies they are hahah
Your brother is obviously all about himself, no empathy for others. It makes such a person feel 'superior' to others. Others are not worthy or good enough for him to talk to, unless you talk to them first. It's whack plain and simple.
@@kennethlapointesongwriter3330You remind me of my brother in law. When his father needed surgeries and we were finding ways to travel to visit but couldn't be there and needed him to go wanted to know who was going to pay his gas. 🤯 It's your father! I guess he is so entitled he couldn't be expected to do anything without compensation.
@@well_weathered Interesting these 'species' have a warped way of thinking. My old mother eventually lived by herself and all us kids would go and visit her occasionally. When i asked my older brother to go visit her the response was 'I haven't got the time ... can't afford the petrol etc etc'. After she died in our group meeting online > on her birthday, he would say what a great woman she was'....... praise in death but no effort when she was alive. Figure that out.
Please pray for protection from cult bullies..
Mighty prayer.❤❤❤❤❤
Angel ou are not alone. Been bullied by cult myself. God doesn't give up on us. They lie. You are loved. ❤❤❤❤❤
You have to give up on the narcissist.
Once you realize they have already given up on you it should be easier.
I read some of the comments about praying for the narcissists. People need to be praying for their victims, not the abuser. They are evil!
Pray for your enemies, that's what the Bible says. Doesn't say get close to them again.
Dr. Carter, thank you for your help. I have a counselor. One month and four days of no-contact with my narcissistic dad. I still think about him. My life is so much better and easier without dealing with him. I feel free!
Wow. Judgment doesn’t produce change, only bitterness. I needed to hear that.
I just want to help. And I think I can. And that, my friends, is something they can use to their advantage.
You go back to what you knew first. So, I wonder if you only experienced this in a spouse.
@@well_weathered Yeah. I was fortunate to have the parents who raised me to be this way, because they were the same.
@@aaronkwolfe Very good. The way people should be giving and receiving.
@@well_weathered Good parents do the best they can. Sometimes, it pays off.
@@well_weathered But, as you suspect, as far as I know, my first experience was with a spouse. Upon later study, I suspect my spouse had her own dealings within her own family.
Powerful and impactful therapy to start my day! Ambiguity exists for my peace. I’ll have to watch this one a few more times for it to sink in. Thanks for caring and carrying me through the most difficult life’s journey I’ve had to experience. DrC ❤️
So leaving, going no contact and staying gone? That's definitely the only thing that works. That trauma bond feels next to impossible to break.
And not trust again. It can't be.
It takes a full & intentional year of focus on yourself to break a trauma bond ❤️🩹 then like a drowning person who’s been held prisoner underwater you will slowly rise to the surface & find yourself breathing in whole lungfuls of fresh air again 😊 cognitive dissonance will have dissipated & the stages of grief for that fantasy will be worked through so you have some hope
They create a high- low, an emotional rollercoaster ride. Without going near them, struggling high low yes no maybe no no.... Letting go of a person who does not see from your perspective can be impossible. Yes there is tension, and an impossibility to deal with stubborn people who refuse to hear your side of the equation. Your side does not matter. Your situation does not matter. You never mattered. Only they did. Their need. Their want. It wasn't about you. They never met you half way. Then never engaged you in a discussion. They never showed any care... about the importance in what your life was going through. You can only change yourself. And in a group situation the group turns against you for non compliance. So it's a never win situation. It's impossible to deal with a multitude of narcissists. And their flying monkeys. They may be wrong for this or that reason, and you can't change them. In the end you have to walk away. There's no peace possible, they will not negotiate.
How truly "likeable" is the narcissist you think you are "trauma bonded" with? Sit down, pen and paper, and make a list. Likable vs unlikable. Are the real links/addictions/connections material based? Surface based?
Work on self first, and the knots unravel. Where there's a will for escape, the road to it will rise.
It’s not impossible! Moving on in your life and feeling free of abuse helps! Once you get this education it becomes easy! Keep learning! I find the hardest thing to heal is ruminating alone and alienating at home afraid of people and hating and not trusting people anymore! 🥺
The most difficult part, for those of us who have cut ties, is getting away from them when they are coercively controlling components of your life, especially finances, career, living space, ability to go anywhere without them running interference, etc.
Thank you Dr. C! After almost 50 years I'm finally learning how to survive in my relationship (understanding my reality of the situation) and finding more happy moments for myself. I didn't find it through self-focus methods but through GOD focused love which runs mutual. My Lord offers me a free gift of forgiveness and love! Friends who share my mutual love for Jesus is also rewarding!
Thank you for these videos, Dr. Carter! We lost my Mom 3 months ago but the reality was that her narcissistic husband had become such a nasty controlling jerk that we lost her joyful self about two years ago as he made the relationship erratic, mean, and hateful toward her and us. I have decided to go no contact with him ever again. That has brought me some conflict but much more peace. I have watched your videos and they have helped me gain awareness and set my own boundaries. When I die and stand in judgement, I can accept that I ended this controlling relationship without any regrets.
I always enjoy watching your cozy dog in the background:) He is so well behaved and respectful. Definitely not a narcissist!
Thank you for this video Dr Carter , I found a sense of peace today by praying this morning for my tormentors to experience a happy and blissful life … I experienced after doing that a sense of peace settle over me 🙏
I’m assuming this strategy is if you cannot go no contact? I don’t think that was mentioned in the video. No contact is the best solution in my opinion and I’ve been there several times after trying for years to live with and maneuvering around the narcissists unpredictable explosive nature. It’s a fine line you end up walking trying to be reasonable with a narcissist. Your feet get very sore walking on eggshells all the time. If you just cannot go no contact for work or complicated family reasons then this is great advice, god bless you.
My ex is a covert narcissist and I have a small child with her. That’s something I had to learn and accept early that she is who she is, no matter how much I used to fight and argue with her and try to change her mind or have her view common sense. She’s who she’s going tobe so I had to learn to let it go. I’m grey rock around her and keep things surface level unless it has something to do with my daughter. Took a long time to let it go but when I did a weight of stress fell off my shoulders and I could purely focus on myself and having that breathing room away from her.
Hello team healthy. Gotta share this story. My 102 year mom is wearing down, hospice is working with her maybe couple days. My71 year old brother is true narcissist he and his wife have been taking care of her for last couple of years at mom’s house. I mentioned to my sister the song “I did it my way” should be somewhere in her funeral. She mentioned it to brother about this song. My brother responded that the song should be “we did it our way”. Wow. I will not dignify a response to this but had to share this note. Blessings to all of you.
Self awareness is not their strong suit!!
Dr. Guard Carter, you are a GIF to so many of us. My life has been stabilized. I am strengthened and I am moving along well finally I embrace who I am no longer needy no longer tolerated so much better thank you they are helpless dangerous people married to one more than 30 years, I am free emotionally. Mentally you are an extraordinary teacher.
You look lovely… simply let our God use you!😇
Hard to accept less than perfect ... it's tough. Peace in midst of chaos ...quite honestly, I'm 73 and STILL wandering in the wilderness. Will I ever get there this side of heaven?
Hang in there Gregory and continue to follow Dr Carter’s lead. We may not have the life we want but together we can rise! ❤️
We may be in our 70s but we are still learning. I’m learning to enjoy the little pleasures of life and I hope you can too.
Thank you both so much, Lillian and e.conboy, for your supportive words.
@@gregoryritchie7852Love & wishes your way, as well ❤️
Thank You speaking in such a manner...that I hear Jesus! Truly GOOD
Thanks again. I love the bit about living with ambiguity, and ‘there are sometimes not clear solutions’ that is very powerful. My narcissist has gone into hiding.I never see him. I am moving forward in a healthy way. There is so much to do in life.things that are fun.that narcissist is not in charge of me. Thanks for your support dr carter. Rock on. Judy from uk
Yes ,yes sounds good- free from narc.
This is basic common sense and only answer to survive narc, whether an adult child or partner. Many thanks Dr C.
Yes, this is hard. I am trying to be more like my most beloved types of dogs, shepherds, as I move forward. They are loving & protective of their own, but they move on with their life & duties regardless of bad actors who may come by. In the past I have only been focused on kindness, but you must also have the necessary roughness & stoicism, like shepherd dogs. ❤
I’m back meditating and reading my spiritual books and it’s something I always did and yet I never really felt comfortable doing that because .. if I wanted to read I’d be accused later on that switch behaviour scrutiny and so on.. apparently it’s because I was being distant with him lately.. I was sat at the side of him. I’m taking a good year or 2 to heal ❤
I listened to this at least 20 times. Thanks 😊
Evil wins if we let it,Go your healthy way!
Thank you Doctor Carter another brilliant video with entirely different angle!
Thanks, Fred!
🙏🏼
This is exactly what our therapist has been trying to tell me. The uncertainty in life feels so overwhelming. I find it so hard to accept and really appreciate this video expounding on this. ❤
Ambiguity, love and good people exist,have it. Shakespeare's Polonius said in Macbeth, "To each their own." is my advice to narcissist. I see they are going to start in, and I've tried to explaining physics to my parents when I was younger. I give in to noble silence everytime now. True, the mental and or physical distance must be maintained for me. I didnt know why, but do now. 20/20 hindsight I got triggered with gaslighting like a moth to the flame. Thanks for the guidance Doctor Carter!🙏🧐
I love this channel because it isn’t focused solely on romantic relationships as most of them are. I can’t begin to describe how much these videos have changed my life. It has provided me with the coping skills I desperately needed to survive my lifelong relationship with a narcissist. The best lesson I’ve learned is that I’m not crazy after all. I should have been able to see that just by watching her deteriorated relationships with everyone else in her life including a restraining order from her son, but the power and mind games perpetrated by narcissists are a force to be reckoned with. Thank you Dr C for these amazing videos.
You're quite welcome. I'm pleased to be on the path with you!
Your advice is surprisingly accurate when it comes to an engineer having to work in a corporate place. There's also never-ending ambiguity and never-satisfied hope for reason... Thank you!
You're quite welcome.
Today is Sunday. Early this mrgn these neighbors an that church. Oh every Sunday it's off the chain. Ready for the week.
Thank you Dr C!! You have a way of helping us see there is life beyond the trap & being "turned every which way but loose" by this unhealthy relationship. ❤
I have had to simply go no contact. My mother is a very abusive narcissist and my father & siblings enable her.
I’ve moved across the country and been forced out of survival to have nothing to do with them.
Thanks Doc. It’s an ongoing process to get to peace. But ultimately you have to make a choice. I am trying very hard to choose the light and be mindful of my approach to everyday life. This video was very helpful, thank you. I still feel pity for my exwife. She lives in a world that is devoid of trust, vulnerability authenticity and openness. It must be horrible to be trapped in your own prison, too fearful to be honest with yourself, your family or the world.
I am now free from my malignant narcissist husband. ❤ Been two and a half years. The no contact is not 100% but as time goes it will be... Soon. God willing. Very little contact at the moment. Which is life changing for the better.
I am now, 2.5 years into the recovery process. I want to say, please, the recovery process is almost just as bad as the abuse at times. If you suffered emotional spousal abuse by a malignant narc spouse and in particularly one who used reactionary abuse mind games on you. If you were emotionally psychopathically abused by one, as a spouse, on a high scale. The recovery process will include many things and including some shock at realizing what really happened and the list goes on..
Yes, get out as soon as you can. 🎉
Thanks for sharing this. I wish you the best.
I wish i did not feel guilty for going no contact, it's very easy when they're not contacting you either, but when they, in my case my father, text out of the blue asking why i still haven't called, when he asked me to after my mom has passed.. the mom who he mistreated and blamed all the divorce on. i hate the guilt of it all, its not that im 100% innocent, because i kno im not, but i cant do any more toxic anything anymore. ❤
Thank you for this. It seems to apply to pretty much everything. I'm glad to be reminded of the freedom won in accepting ambiguity.
My issue with a narcissist is trying to get them to see what they are doing vs what they think or feel what they are doing.
Yet I already know they don’t care nor do they want to care because their agenda is always first on that agenda.
This scenario was ambiguous to its fullest potential. I had to be steadfast in my thoughts asking for assistance from Tarot readers for truth and clarity. His behavior was obnoxious with irrelevant information. I knew this person through a medical encounter causing me to have trust in him, consequently never to doubt his character. I was very disappointed at this outcome. I am very grateful that there were outlets for contact as this person was a numerologist with powers of decrement, claiming to have knowledge for a better future. I was totally surprised when he acknowledged that we were soul mates and twin flames Feeling very blessed to have saved ties. Starting to feel wholesome and happy within, I feel very blessed to have reach this level of peace, respect and integrity. Thank you so much for your ongoing support. God bless, ❤
I just needed to hear this today. I needed to be reminded to hold on to love, kindness & know that there are good people out there.
Thank you, Dr. C for this reminder.
I am hearing “agree to disagree”. I’m practicing remaining quiet as I observe and that has been a very interesting experience
My teenage daughter was being very unkind, and I grew quiet. Then she asked, contemptuously, “What, are your feelings hurt?” I responded dispassionately, “I’m just observing.” And then to myself I added, “And not absorbing.”
Dr. Carter, this is one of your best. That was me, getting all upset at idiots not understanding logic, and common sense, but they are allowed free will. I just need to stop accepting idiots, and bailing out idiots financially.
Think toddler age & try looking down around knee level when you talk to them 😉
@@caroleminke6116Too many adults available to waste our time fighting with adults in the child mindset
Thank you!!!!!! Very liberating way of coping with such people, we have to work on that skill for our own benefit... 🙏
Thank you always DEAR DR.C and GUS.
I so appreciate all your videos!
From JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
Thank you very much dr Carter. ALL you say is absolutely eminent true and full of knowledge. I do not have any NPD partner now living with me but plenty of people like friends exbosses extended family and some N elementy I recognize in my grown up son living working in a diff country but coming home to stay. Thank you for your making me aware. And its always nice to hear you see you and your dog in a nice looking room. All the Best.
my 2023 plaque: lowering my expectations has succeeded beyond my wildest imagination!!!
😊gotta love it!
Great insights! Thank you Dr. C. This may be one of your best videos yet. You are saving lives for those of us teetering on the abyss of devastating negative self-talk. Your voice and professionalism is needed in our broken world. You have an insight of the gospel that is really great as well - and needed. We need you! Thank you for your labor of love- to help us become happy and loved and free!
I wrote down my goals and reach a higher level of peace and consciousness was at the top. I went to my Aunt Funeral two weeks ago. I knew my peace would be tested . After the funeral I knew I would never speak to my family again because of their Narcissism and toxicity. Since then my Narcissistic daughter has called me after not speaking for 3 years trying to blame me for HER bad decisions! This may be harsh but I said” Don’t EVER contact me again, and if you weren’t dead to me you are now” I don’t feel bad at all! Trust I’m not telling the whole story but it’s a lot!
So much truth! Long journey of learning to live in ambiguity; but it is doable. I encourage those who are still in a confused and frustrated state to listen to you well and to apply your wisdom to their lives.
Thanks for sharing your knowledge and compassion Dr Carter. I think that you’re a very kind soul ❤💛💚
U can only control what u do. Its hard! We all want stability. I get it!
Thank you for this Dr C! I learn from you and ❤to see Gus resting peacefully ❤.. I realized by living my best life and being my best self (happy) which is the exact opposite of the narcissist.. it's possible but difficult to do but once you can it will be easier I promise ❤.. please remember those folks are dangerous and never going to change
Grownups vs toddlers 😊 not worth watching the match… just walk!
Thank-you, Dr. Carter. I really needed this podcast today. I can see the issues I'm battling. I appreciate your blunt honesty and I understand why - to help us let go of the effects of narcissistic abuse.
Thanks! Keep learning!
Such a lovely doggy on the sofa.❤ Great casts!