Coercive Control And Domestic Abuse, featuring Dr. Christine Cocchiola
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- Опубліковано 5 лют 2025
- Dr. C interviews Dr. Christine Cocchiola about her vital work with survivors of coercive control. She discusses how people can unwittingly become trapped in coercive relationships, then discusses a multitude of ways to address it therapeutically.
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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. For 40+ years he maintained a counseling practice in Dallas, conducting more than 65,000 therapy sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder. Since creating his UA-cam channel, his videos have received more than 100 million views.
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I have learned so much from this guest. Be honest with children in a gentle way.
It works too, I have been doing this with my daughter since she was 3 and now she's 6. It's just unfortunate that her narc father won't stop with his abuse, but she won't be this age forever, and she's learning how to have boundaries of her own and understand that his bad abusive behavior is not her fault.
This is so true. This gaslighting abuse and coercive control can happen to all people at all levels of society, even to the most intelligent and sensitive person. Sometimes you can become so involved within and by the situation/s that you can't actually see or logically explain what is actually happening in front of you.
Great acronym DARVO. Friends thought we were so lucky in our relationship while I was really lonely. So glad to have my own life now.
"They diminish you and elevate themselves". So profound.
I was a member of a work/trade nonprofit and I was at the home of another member so that I could witness the worst verbal abuse I have seen. I tried to get the wife to read Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft but she didn't want to, so I simply left a copy behind me.
Later I ran into her and she thanked me for showing her that the abuse didn't have to be physical to be abusive. I'm glad I could help rescue her.
Isolation can be created by the shame a manipulator instills in the victim & the ensuing self-doubt. And indeed, if the manipulator is more adept at charming, they vacuum up all the favor of shared friends and family, leaving the victim fully without emotional support.
Exactly what happened in my life. I woke up 2 months ago to realize that.
yes indeed
Great guest. Long ago when I was trying to go into training someone said you mean you as wounded want help others? Now I won't work as a client w anyone who doesn't have the experience. Most in natural health became experts from their own illness. Bravo for waking up Dr. C. and sharing. The abuse can be so subtle and profound.
I'm about two minutes into this, so I don't know if anyone mentions the book, "The Wounded Healer," but your remark makes me thing one if not both of them do mention it. And you probably have read it.
the ABUSE from my cousin... and constant manipulating; GASLIGHTING ( " carol I miss you!") all while this Cousin THROW dirt at my Reputation 30++ years. [ bye Cousin Bye]!
Dr C: I think Dr Christine is my favorite guest you've ever had on your channel. She is so amazing and so excellent. Please have her back!!!!
I just passed your comment to her. Thanks for the positive feedback!
This was incredible and so informative. Thank you!!
Shout out to Team Healthy, Dr Christina & Dr C. ☆☆☆☆☆
I especially wanted to learn more about coercive control.
Thank you, Dr C ☀️ and Dr C ☮️
Glad it was helpful!
Excellent teaching video Dr. C with brilliant examples for a wide variety of situations and types of relationships. Coercive Control can be harder to recognize and pin down. Thank you both for clarifying. 😊
I love your choice of guests! I can always trust that those people you choose to share the stage with are going to be the real deal...
When I left my abusive spouse, I was so sad to find out, from his escalated abuse and smear campaign, what a correct decision it had been for me to leave.
Abused with no bruises.
It’s exactly what happens to us who live with a Covert narcissistic personality disorder. Bruises eventually fade but the emotional damage magnifies as time and abuse goes on.
Thank you so much for bringing these issues to the forefront - you are an asset to the health of the nation.
This is a worldwide not joking, anywhere there are people you got abuse people
in the mix.
Elevator.... Big thing!!!! Do not elevate the parent who wrong us
My husband literally said straight out that I shouldn’t trust my instincts. I immediately responded “that’s something a predator would say”
And you were correct!
What an excellent video!! Thank you to both speakers. I've escaped, and am now able to give my autistic adult daughter, a new perspective. It's been so freeing. Giving my daughter the freedom to speak, feely, and challenge me with her own opinions and perspective. It's a work in progress- her father focused and turned her into the scapegoat for almost everything, and she developed her own coping mechanism- total turtling. We are starting to enjoy our lives.
Good for you
Hearing it gets worse when they leave is so scary but for the children we need to do it
Dr Chocchiola your story is my story. I thought the same thing after leaving my abusive marriage. How could I not know I'm being abused because there's no hitting. Thank you so much for sharing your story, especially as a professional. People havea difficult time wrapping their head around that it can happen to professionals as well. TY 🙏
I was a professional too, practicing law for over twenty years, and I didn't comprehend that my state of mind and destructive relationship were the result of emotional abuse by a man acting out narcissistic patterns of mistreatment, abandonment and neglect. Intelligence and education will not immunize you from the harm caused by this mental and spiritual disease. Dr. Clark and Dr. Cocchiola's wise counsel will help you begin the healing process, together with daily prayer and the Lord's guidance.
So helpful! It’s hard to say nothing bad about the other parent (who is a big part of the child’s identity right now) while still teaching the child what’s true.
Let them know you're safe and that they can be open and honest with you and that you have their back
Dr C you were our Uncle and now I declare you as our bro!.. You care so much! ❤Thank you 🙏For all you do! I was so happy to see you are uploading shorts now
You are so welcome...and thanks for the kind regards.
@@SurvivingNarcissism I pray for you Dr C!
You save me every day!.. You just don't know how you are saving lives! 🥺
40 years of marriage I feel so sad that my children (in their 40s now)
I’m just learning about narcissism, boundaries passive aggression and so forth that I have failed my 5 children. Each of them have some of dads narcissism with one of them taking on all his negativeness. My biggest trial is I didn’t leave him sooner and that I can’t fix it for them.,
You are not alone in not knowing how to handle a unbalanced family dynamic. My adult children lost some of their assertiveness because of inaction. Don't let hindsight kick you. Show by example. ❤️🩹
Being an adult survivor of this (in my 40s), you were likely brainwashed into choosing your spouse over your kids' wellbeing. While some of your own choices led to being in that situation, ultimately you were deceived, and most of what happened was almost definitely not your fault. Don't beat yourself up - it doesn't help, and that's the manipulation that keeps on taking. (I should know) Please forgive yourself, and show yourself the grace you show others. As a son, I personally would not hold it against you and frankly I'd be overjoyed to see you finally getting some of your dignity and autonomy back. You have the chance now to heal and be who you really are rather than an identity forced onto you. I wish my dear mother would find a way out like you have, but she is completely deceived to the point where she is terrified of leaving the familiar captivity. I miss her, but she's a captive and we have been deliberately isolated from one another. God bless you. You are loved, and you are so worthy of that love.
@@rwdchannel2901 When I was dating my ex (who my parents took in and poured a lot of resources into) cheated he KNEW nothing would happen as a result. He went and sat by them.
This is almost my situation to a "T". My adult son even said to me just recently, "Everything could have been different if you would have just left him when we were younger." I still haven't left him and my adult children are all still living at home as well and all suffer from anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, etc. I am currently trying to plan a way out but I am scared for so many reasons but the guilt of not protecting my kids when they needed me overwhelms me and I know I have to set an example even if it is way late.
@@Jean-xl9mv I wonder if my boys feel the same.
Practice, practice, practice.
1. " I don't agree, but thank you for your input."
Thank you! I loved the new term to add to my identity, "Protective Parent". Thank you for the positive recognition. The comments made in this video helped my drop some of the guilt I've held for having allowed my children to be born into this toxic situation. I can say that I have done my best to protect them (although I did spot one smaller mistake). I think the positives have out weighed the negatives and I'm grateful for that.
Yes, agree. That was very validating.
To Dr. Christine’s point that society is at a place where certain people are believed more than others-as a man who is a survivor of narcissistic abuse and am experiencing parental alienation, I am very well aware of the stigmas aimed towards men with regard to the subject of abuse and coparenting. It’s very isolating and hurtful
Exactly where I am. It’s nearly killing me.
My mother suffered from mental illness for a LOT of years. During that time, my father-- who I now realize was a full-bore NARC, was forever pointing out that Mom was sick, but NEVER admitted he had his own problems which were making Mom's worse. The whole atmosphere in the house was extremely oppressive, and my brother, "the golden child" (as I've repeated heard it referred to) wound up going to a college 300 miles away, partly I'd say, to GET AWAY from the whole situation, and 2 weeks after graduation, moved 3000 miles away. (I can only remember him visiting here 3 times before Dad passed away.)
Years later, Dad would repeatedly refer to all the years when Mom was sick and say that he "did everything to hide the problem and make things as normal as possible". BETTER he would have allowed everyone to confront and DEAL with the problems openly and honestly, but I suspect THAT would have meant confronting HIS part in the whole situation. Mom tried multiple times to get away from Dad, but because of her own problems, was never able to make it on her own. In 1981, she wound up spending an entire year in a mental hospital (I'm REALLY not sure she needed to be there that long), and when she finally did come home, she was virtually a burnt-out shell who never recovered, and from then on, it was just a slow but relentless downward spiral.
The tension in my own life, meanwhile, KEPT increasing, and it wasn't until mid-1991, with the help of a church minister I'd becomes good friends with, that I was able to finally begin to start dealing with Dad in different, better ways. The problem NEVER really went away, but at least, for most of the 90s, it was less horrible than it had been for the several decades before that.
Believe it or not, I had a supervisor who had a very highly regarded career as a victim advocate and domestic violence expert. Ironically, behind closed doors, she was incredibly abusive, and o recognized the tactics she used as part of the work she had presented. Wild experience!
I thank you for this content. At 73 & s grown a** women of the 60s it has been hard for me to admit I was in an emotionally abusive marriage.
The dynamics that you speak of esp.
isolation was his ploy. It diminished me in so many ways I see now.
I am one yr no contact & have become like the lotus, in the mud, to begin to grow & become much more radiant. TY this community needs this info.
There was a big opportunity missed here to discuss some of the most horrific coercive control and that is using the children and brainwashing the children against the healthier parent.
Some relationships start to he More Cohercitive and more dangerous once you break them...😮
Wow! Here's a conversation. A conversation between someone who understands Parental Alienation (Dr. Carter) and one who denies its existence.
What a wonderful guest you have, and thank you for sharing.
Come back again .. I am so glad to see you here because it is the first time coming across year. I looked you up on UA-cam and click subscribe. I’m anxious to watch your videos also dear one.
God bless from JANESVILLE, WISCONSIN USA
Thank you guys!!! Please return to do more chats and may ye please consider Q&A?
I say this today about getting through the workplace gang stalking and narcissist abuse. I work at a job seven years. The longest job and I choose to depart. I tolerated alot and most of it is fair and good. And I am promoted to a senior clerk. And I missed the clues. I left the job soon after. Not only terminated but destroyed emotionally. I ruminated for years and did not recover. These types of you tube material is productive.
Thank you both for the education and insightfulness for healthier relationships for all of us.❤
Triggers from children - vvvvvv huge subject!!!!
I'd love to hear more about this, because it caused problems with my adult children.
@SuzannaLiessa I am one of them. When you are raised in that environment, it distorts everything, and you have to unlearn it over years. I'm in my 40's and my head is still spinning.
Thank you for the help you offer ❤
This is so spot on! Thank you for the validation.
Please share more content from this guest!
Would love to see more on this topic. I experienced this with my ex husband and it almost destroyed me 🥹
Dr Cocchiola was extremely informative❣️
Thanks Dr.C's and Team Healthy ❤
My dad is a coercive controller and narcissist. I grew up on a rural farm and my mother was not allowed to have a driver's license until I was a teen. Then he tried to prevent me from having one as well. This is just the tip of the controlling behavior. He constantly accused her of cheating, monitored every penny she spent on groceries, exploded with anger if he felt he was slighted. Everything but physical violence for over 20 years. When she finally left for good after dozens of attempts he blamed it all on me and tried to start the same pattern of isolation and control on me. I was half brainwashed already. When all was said and done he wanted to have her committed to a mental hospital but when that didn't happen he joined an abuse victim support group................it has taken me years to get to a place of mental stability.
Amazing talk, so insightful, and totally relate to the his ecperiences... a big thanks to you both!
Although I am incredibly perceptive I am an empath who had enduring PTSD going into a relationship of16yrs with someone I come to realise was a narcissist! Once exposed the way she just walked away was so shocking!
That is so true!
This is life changing information with so many good suggestions on navigating a toxic/ narcissistic relationship. Thank you both for all you do!
Dr C saved me from a dangerous scary situation because he repeats often the same simple replies to their crazy making tactics 🤦♀️ so I went gray rock & shut up as quickly as possible but used a few key phrases in reply 🙎♀️ eventually the narcissist just disappeared after telling me shortly before he left that it wasn’t working any more to try triggering me 🤷♀️ they will give up & leave the field of battle eventually in search of easier supply 👸 I won whatever the narcissist might tell himself or others, since I am free!
Thanks for sharing this. I hope it provides courage for others!
Grey Rock Method hits the narcissist where it hurts.
'Intuition disintegration'
You try to keep your children from unnecessary hurtful negativity or you try to be mom and dad.
Thank you for explaining this dynamic.
Some people don't leave; they get discarded. I wish some things about discard could have been mentioned or alluded to in this video. However, great information.
I am also a therapist and I think some of the traits that make me a good therapist (empathy, patience and understanding) made me a perfect target for my abuser. But at the same time I knew I had to get out because how can I help others if I can’t help myself? I’ve been out 8 months and processing a lot but thankful to be free and be myself again. Thank you both for your beautiful work and for sharing your personal and professional expertise!
Thank Dr. Carter and Dr. Cocchiola
A great conversation to listen to and learn
Can we please get a list of those books you buy for your granddaughter? It would be so helpful,
It took me years to realize that my now Ex husband was an abuser; Power & Control. I learned about that very slowly at first, but these narcissistic individuals can damage you with coercive behaviour.
Absolutely excellent. Thank you both so much!
Thank you doctor, you're great. I didn't know what was wrong with my ex-husband until Donald Trump got in office. Then I researched narcissists and bingo that was my ex to a tee. I'm glad to have gotten out alive. Thank you doctor for all your excellent videos. God bless us all.
I recall a lot of questions about why my (N) husband was never home. We had 2 small children and so more questions about why he doesn't even help with the children. My answer became: Well, we are actually better off without him here. He's angry and has a temper, and pouts when he has to be here with us, and argues with me about discipline, and we are at peace and happier with him gone. The children referred to him by calling him by his first name instead of dad. He created this by his less than complete abandonment of us.
She is a wonderful speaker! Thank you for having her!❤
I really enjoyed having her on the broadcast!
Thank you for all you do Dr. C!
Great video. This is so important for the kids who are growing up in a toxic or divorced co-parenting environment.
My mother is baffling covert,emotionally unavailable mother, my father is a competing, child is never good enough covert father.
And you are your own separate person. Be you!!
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you Dr.C for encouraging my late separation process and growth 🙏!
The quest Dr. C is a sweetheart. A flower amongst thrones.
This was absolutely tremendous DR Les, Thank you so much for this, Thank you Christine, Keep up the good work and shining light and speaking truth, You're a great bloke DR Les, I have upmost Respect for you, You're a beautiful compassionate soul for helping women in a shelter, God bless you, 😍🕊🦁💜 You can't make someone be with someone, It's abuse and should not be tolerated, People Need to open their eyes and stop enabling, It's sick , Peace, love, Respect to you, Gus, Christine, and everyone, To all people that are going through this , Never give up and keep speaking up and shining light, Thank you universe, All glory to the universe, The most high, God is great 😊💛💚❤💙🌌👽🐉😍🌝🦁🕊🐎🦄🌷😃💜🤗🕊
Many thanks both Dr Cs!💙
Hello from Sweden,just found your channel .Thank you so much for your healing words 🙏
Dr. C, you mention that you carefully pick out books for your young granddaughter. Would you consider doing an episode on that, and/or posting a list of your recommended kid's books?
Wonderful guest, Dr C. I learn so much. I came from a very toxic background. Much of the bad behavior was dealt with by ignoring, raging and silent treatment. Not much conversation. I had to learn how to navigate healthy coping skills and avoid falling into the patterns of behavior that I grew up with. I'm still in healing mode, but I'm making so much progress. I realized that I had to take time away from the toxicity. Now that I have time away, I can see that I didn't voice my boundaries. Much of that had to do with people who didn't respect them to begin with. Anyway..........Thank you so much for having Dr Cocchiola on. Her voice and mannerisms are so calming. I'm going to keep this conversation on my favorites and continue to watch this over and over again. Blessing!
20:02 finally Dr. Cocchiola and I agree on something on how not to normalize abuse!
My parents and sister were always faking concern by saying things like "so and so is worried about you because of your strange behavior". It always made me so self conscious around everyone.
Now I realize that it was probably all made up in order to isolate me. Sometimes the abuse is so insidious its almost invisible but it's still destructive.
No one other than my family have ever had concerns about my behavior or mental stability. Even now if I confronted my family about their concerns they'd say "oh we don't think you're unstable its other people who tell us they think you're unstable". But they can never produce these people with concerns.
Once you really press for a name they will give you a name and smear you to that person ahead of time. So by the time you ask that person about what they're saying about you they will react to you like you are crazy. It's deeply demented stuff.
Abusers threaten to harm your family even when you try to leave 😢.. No one would believe the victim....!
I think because I came from my own toxic background I didn’t see the reg flags especially about coercive control. I am now reading with narcissistic abuse and parental alienation and domestic abuse. It made me cry when you discussed losing your self and who you are over time. This has happened to me over 24 years. It is so important for the poor kids growing up in this toxic environment which I am so aware of but feeling futile and don’t know what to do anymore. Trying to minimise the damage to my kids while enduring the ptsd and lots of serious physical health illness. The isolation trap is deadly as well. I worry so much about our children especially when you discussed coercive control and domestic homicide. The way he looks at me at times is that he wants me dead even though the physical violence is at a relatively low level compared to extreme forms. I need help for our kids.
It's all too late for my grown children, but, i already told them that i will not apologise anymore. It's how it is. My N2 had a serious fall, no bones broken. When the 2 occupational physiotherapist came i heard myself saying: 'He is very polite but not a nice person'. And surly the dismissive remark came. It put a smile on my face and met the nurse's smile.I am not a victim. I learnt such a lot. Peace, when they rush me i go slow in peace, boundries and dropping my gaslightung, confusing mannerisms i adopted over the years.
My N1 said that we never acknowledged her 'identity'. My friend made me laugh: Identity? Tell her email address and passwords. Can't do that.
Google is sending me very interesting interviews from the past. My dearDr C, your mentor said: Who are you really? (Personality?) And not: what are you really? (Status?) Some countries favour first to the second. That's why i am here.
Your Lorelei is an Ebenbild (likeness) of you. Have a Happy Easter to you and your family.
My ex would tell me people at church were asking him what was wrong with me, why I was behaving a certain way, etc.
He was always vague, and never told me who.
It was so isolating :(
Argh! I hate that crap. I was raised with the mindset of, "those people think you are [insert demeaning adjective]" It totally warps your perception of who you are, and it's truly diabolical in a religious context. It warps your perception of how God views you. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
@Dwigt_Rortugal it didn't affect my faith, but it affected my relationships at church. Part of me deep down knew he had to be lying, but at the same time, that little voice in the back of my head trying to figure out what I had done or who I had offended... it was crazy making. I understand it for what it is now at least.
G'Day missed you all!
I wonder if it is common to isolate the victim after the separation. In my case, it started with my ex being afraid I would expose him to his family. He said that if I ever spoke to them, he was going to demand more in the divorce.
I'm going through this right now. , and its hard to get the police. To step in.. how do we combat this I have 2 kids to protect also .
Documentation. Evidence. Audio, video (if you safely can), journal entries, receipts (if applicable), etc. Police reports. The more reports you have to show evidence of the situations at hand and the abuse, the better your chances of winning something and getting more protection.
Wow! much love to you both, thank you
Great interview Dr. C. Fascinating topics. Coercive control happens with adults too. My ex was a tyrant to live with.
Thank you.
*Respect 💞
Brave works in the truth @ how to get along with the folks. Thanks so much to you both for teaching us and sharing _healthy_ 'articulate, yes!' - statements of individuation! 😇❤🔥
Even though I don't have kids it is still good stuff....
Great guest, great video!
Glad you enjoyed it!
Let’s teach are children empathy
Yes. Absolutely, break the cycle. Small humans are sadly still humans, but let's give them the best chance possible to be naturally loving to others.
17:06 Yes This Will Help Kiddos Make Sense of Thier States Vs Shaming or Lashing Out in Anger
Thank you both. Thank you. Thank you.
Very helpful. Thank you for this interview.
Valuable information, thank you. The judicial systems in the EU, and I assume also in the US, recognize physical abuse as the only type eligible for pressing charges. I find it disturbing that covert abuse is completely under the radar and virtually non-existent. The victim seems to have few options other than psychotherapy. What are we not doing to change this? And in whose interest is it not to educate our legal professionals about the tactics of these types of people who lack a moral compass but efficiently get away with it?
What wonderful and helpful information! Thank you again Dr Carter for bringing another knowledgeable guest in. This was really very helpful to my situation. 🙏
Awesome! Thank you Dr. C's❤
Thank you for your brilliant and incredibly helpful and supportive conversation. ❤ you are saving people’s lives ❤ God bless you❤
14:23 this is the enmeshment that happens in parental alienation
Excellent
I needed this. Incredible. Thankyou
I highly recommend Jess Hill's book Looks What You Made Me Do. It's about abuse, coercive control, the police and the judiciary in Australia. It opened my eyes.
So informative!
I think one of the reason I worked and volunteered in and shelters was because I knew something was off and I needed to understand.
I also think that is why I turned to studying child psychology and child development early on.
It is late for me to implement some of these techniques now but I can still find a way to give clarity and validation.
Thank you. This answered many questions for me. Both of you are remarkable at explaining the dynamic.
Hello Dr. C's and Team Healthy! Hope Gus is doing well Dr. C! Many thanks to both the Dr. C's for this very insightful discussion indeed, psychoeducation just like education of the unique Human body would really be a gift of perspective even to those children/adults who had been fortunate enough not to undergo directly through these but in later life bumped into, both at the personal and professional fronts🙏🌷🕊💝🤗
ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL EPISODE ❤THANK YOU BOTH ✨☺️
Another great colab!!!
I think because I came from my own toxic background I didn’t see the reg flags especially about coercive control. I am now reading with narcissistic abuse and parental alienation and domestic abuse. It made me cry when you discussed losing your self and who you are over time. This has happened to me over 24 years. It is so important for the poor kids growing up in this toxic environment which I am so aware of but feeling futile and don’t know what to do anymore. Trying to minimise the damage to my kids while enduring the ptsd and lots of serious physical health illness. The isolation trap is deadly as well. I worry so much about our children especially when you discussed coercive control and domestic homicide. The way he looks at me at times is that he wants me dead even though the physical violence is at a relatively low level compared to extreme forms. I need help for our kids.