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I wish that I knew about all of this decades ago. I am 59 years old and I am only know finding out what a horrible narcissistic mother that I had growing up. She still treats me like I am ignorant little boy that she can easily manipulate and control.
I experienced same, at 58, walked away, no contact, does feel like wasted years of giving, caring, trying, hoping to connect, they can't! In a different reality, pretending to care, so cruel ,toxic and nasty.
Very destructive behavior. Growing up in an environment where immature parents cannot cope or handle their own adult issues. It begins when they don't see you (child or adult child) as a separate person. Their needs are your needs. Their problems are your problems. If you have your own, separate needs, they aren't interested. That's because you shouldn't have them. You are only a servant to their needs. It's sad, but it's reality.
My dad rails against the Left when they use Saul Alinsky's mantra of "accuse your enemy of what you are guilty of". That's wrong to use in politics but perfectly okay to use against family and friends.
It's called gaslighting. It's how they divert attention from the fact they are manipulating you. They blame you for what they are doing, and for the things they actually do to others; "you only care about yourself," is one of their favorite ways to demean you, but it is also them telling on themselves (what they do and believe). The things narcissists say is bits and pieces of their own character, it truly reflects who they are, but it is distracting because we usually don't recognize it until years later.
Everytime my father calls, my stomach clenches. He just gaslights, blames others, and wants his adult kids to do what he wants ( usually not legal, ethical, or safe). I am 68 yrs old and finally blocked his number on my cell phone.
I agree... When my mother would come around my stomach did the same thing. When I see them in the grocery store or some were. My stomach starts. It's a spirt!
He might go on a massive smear campaign and torment others until they give your number up. That's what my dad did. So many people want you to be his punching bag so they don't have to deal with it. Like my whole life is meant to be waiting hand and foot on my dad while somehow living a life. If I can't do both better than everybody combined working together and faster than everyone else working together then I'm worse than Hitler and family says any and all evil is justified against me since I "upset your dad". He can literally do no wrong. Amazing how people will blindly side with other people based purely on titles. He's the dad so he's always right. Dude can cuss and yell while spitting food across the table and family tells me to stop doing that while telling my dad "good job" as he's still throwing a tantrum. No way my family is this damn stupid. They hate me, plain and simple.
I used to feel like that when I knew I was going to talk to my dad. I finally went no contact, I wrote him a letter telling him some home truths and he replied saying he will no longer be having anything to do with me. My plan worked.
@@dakoderii4221The flying 🐒s are just as screwed up as the narc ringleader in their own ways...A narc will show you not only who they are but also who OTHER people really are as well.
When you stop meeting their needs you become cruel, selfish its a trap dont believe it. They want you to stay an emotional slave. However this toxic system sometimes spills into the workplace, marriages and friendships for victims of this. Fight for your needs journal about them. Needs are completely ok to have ❤❤
Thanks, you're right! My parents never allowed me to feel or exhibit any emotion other than happiness. They treated me like my needs were a joke and that only their needs mattered. I was just a slave to them...and I don't even count as a person.
One of the saddest things in my life was realising my family are all narcs. Took me decades of WTF ? is wrong with them, was it me etc until my own parents both found new families and lives and they literally dropped me like a stone and I've never seen them since.
Try not to dwell on the negatives of your family abandoning you. This may be one of the best things to happen because you don't have to deal with rampant toxicity and constant stress. The absolute nicest part is that you can get to decide who you want first and foremost in your life. The choices you get to make are all yours. You can trust yourself to make them. Internet high five.
Omg! I'm 31 and the same thing just happened to me! We still have sm life left to live 💙💙💙🐦. That's what your comment reminded me of because I was hard on myself unnecessarily for all the "life lost" not cutting them off/no realizing all these things 😞. But we are good!! 💯 Some people live their whole lives that way, sadly 😢.
I got lucky though because I was trying to hold her accountable for her recent stream of horrible behavior towards me and her response was that she was just never going to talk to me again 🤣 🤣🤣😂 and if I wanted to talk to her then I'd have to message her first according to her. I never did since 🤣😂 I've been the happiest I've ever been and of course she took it all back and has been sending me weird guilt tripping texts and stuff. Even lightly stalking me. She even sent me a video of herself talking about "look at the state of me, pls talk to me" and upon reading the text I thought it'd be her crying or something but no. It was a freaky video that made me feel like "wow all this narcissist stuff is hella real" because she looked phony, dramatic, like maybe she had a headache from being so angry. She couldn't conceal her hatred and the anger she was trying to hide felt very conniving and sinister. It didn't feel like the anger someone has when they've been hurt? It's scary but I saved it for evidence because I have two brothers who are the greatest in the world, so full of empathy that they still don't get it.
This is the first time i have heard anyone mention the monologue phone calls. I wasted too much of my life doing this. Then I got cancer and decided not to waste any more time. 58 years of it.
Definitely....hated telephone calls with my Mum, it was so strained and completely awful... hope you can enjoy your life now, but sorry to hear you have cancer 😒
My mother was never happier than when I was sick during chemo. She often tells me it was great and we should go back and do it again . Wt? Now I'm trying to avoid any contact. Good luck with your treatment.
Oh yes, lol. I broke my jaw as a child. My mother and sister were waxing a floor at the time. One of them kicked over the bottle of liquid wax on their way out of the room to come and get me and take me to the emergency room. It's been my fault since, for the spilled wax on the floor. I'm 61 now and I was 7 then. I sit back and laugh at all of it now because I recognize how ridiculous 'it all was' , all the accusations throughout my life. I found that the lasting effect of all of it was I didn't take good care of myself and am training myself to take very good care of myself now. It's been a work in progress for a few years. I am worthy.
Incredible! I know the feeling...70 yrs old and still getting yelled at for things i did or am accused of when i was in grade school....patents recently died so my sisters have taken their place blaming me....
@@kathyjenkins1222 I understand what that is like. I moved hundreds of miles away years ago and stopped contact with one sibling who is like yours. Best wishes to you. I hope you don't have to live with them.
My father acts like he's Mr perfect and never do anything wrong . He also the reason why I have severe depression , anxiety issues , low self esteem , suicidal thoughts , low testerone , thyroid problems , weight gain , diabetes , can't get a girlfriend . He's a freaking control freak with lack of empathy , narcissistic tendicies , double standards , hypocritical thinking . Yet I get treated like I'm crazy ! Sick n tired of his controlling manipulative behavior . I'm an adult I can make my own decisions .
@@flowerchild89No but he still acts like he owns me he can go screw himself . He acts like he wants to micromanage my every move . Then acts like he's some kind of lawyer saying maybe I can advocate for you like wtf ? You drove me to depression , anxiety issues , low self esteem now you wanna all of sudden be my lawyer hell no fts . Feel like I'm in living in a horror movie !
Start working on your weight gain and diabetes ASAP. That is critical. Start on the path of getting your health back on track. Go walking around the block, to clear your head, at least 2-3 times a day & don’t keep your head buried in your phone. Enjoy the rest of your life. 😊 Praying for your continual healing. 🙏🏾❤️
I remember when my dad would vent to me about his day at work and even his verbal abuse...and I couldn't help but think to myself "I don't think I'm suppose to be hearing this".
♥No you weren’t. None of us were. Somehow some parents just don’t have insight that we needed help and modelling on how to peacefully exist in this world.
💯 my sister was the oldest and my dad used to talk to her about all the money problems and everything. Very inappropriate. I always feel bad. She was also like a mother to me and my brother because my mom was alcoholic so couldn’t really take care of us… Through a couple decades, me and my siblings have collaborated on recovery and we have all discovered that a high level of self-care is necessary for us… like special attention on doing things like yoga, baths, using essential oils, praying (if you’re religious), eating and sleeping at regular schedules… we are still working on it but it helps if you can collaborate with others and share what helps
@@yvonnes7412 your blessed to have your siblings, my parents have kept my sisters away from me, 2 I haven't seen for over 30 years. I'm doing recovery on my own as I'm the only one in my family awake to what's going on. My mum passed away and another sister rang me to tell me but wants nothing to do with me because i didnt get tge Covid vaccination, I was heart broken but its not her fault she's just doing what she has been programmed to do and because i was always getting into trouble when i was younger they still think im that person thank's to mum and dad. My dad liars so much about me to get sympathy I can't be around him, he runs my mum down all the time, says stuff I shouldn't know. I don't miss him, I miss what should of been, there always feels like an empty hole that i just can't fill.
When I finally focused on my own needs I felt like I was continuously in the greatest danger. That created overwhelming anxiety, agoraphobia, clastrophobia, gephyrophobia, sensitivity to loud noises, social anxiety, dissociation. If someone rang the doorbell I nearly jumped out of my skin. I had to turn off the ringer to my phone. I couldn't even stand the sound of the TV. I had no choice but to continue in my self-focus, but I totally get why people remain other-focused. In a ass-backward way being other-focused IS being self-focused. Fortunately I'm through the worst of it and now able to focus on myself without all of the "side effects."
Good to know this isn't unusual, since I'm going through all that and lots of other things right now. It took me getting really ill to wake up to how my parents are. I'm fed up of both of them. I suffered at the hands of my mother and to this day my mother backs him. It was her backing him despite how ill I am that woke me to the fact she is very toxic and will always put him first no matter what. Seeing it and now thinking of self has set her on the guilt manipulations. Just last week I was so ill and my pet died on top. Her answer your father is really poorly today! He is 80 and the fittest youngest looking 80 year old I know. My illness is permanent and life changing but yeah okay mom!
@@bereal6590 So sorry for you, and sorry for the loss of your pet. Sounds like your mother is compulsively fawning, which is a way of coping with her own severe pain, fear and shortcomings. My narc mother is horrible too, but I know her history, and there's some terrible childhood trauma so severe she blocked it from her memory for 35 years. I don't excuse her bad behavior but on some level I know she's also just doing the best she can with the available tools she has. I'm no contact with her at the moment because, like you, I've also had enough. My father passed away years ago was also abusive, and he was often my mother's enabler, and sometimes her flying monkey. He also suffered an abusive childhood, so definitely not a good situation. I also have 5 siblings, of which 4 are extremely toxic, disfunctional, and displaying varying degrees of narcissism. Unfortunately there are parts of the healing journey that are particularly painful. By committing to making myself a priority, and turning away from caring about the narcs in my family I was removing all my false self-protection. For a long while it was a living hell for me, but it showed me all the feelings and fears I had been unconsciously trying to avoid. The "side effects" showed me what happens when I'm no longer able to hide the truth from myself. I stuck it out because I had no choice, but getting through it was ultimately very healing in the end. When I had complained to my therapist about how awful I was feeling, she said for what I had been through with my family, if I were NOT feeling horrible that would be very strange indeed. That made me see my emotional pain as acceptable, not a flaw. Of course it still wasn't fun, but it was exactly as it should be. My physical health has also been bad but I'm now feeling more optimistic emotionally because the torturous decades-long depression has been subsiding in big chunks. Now I love myself again, and I genuinely like myself a lot too. I am finally a good and compassionate friend to myself. And I'm so glad to be at a place where my narc family's criticisms don't land. I hope that you can make YOU your highest priority, and be as kind to yourself as possible, and as often as possible. When you stumble in your healing, give yourself your own kind regard again. When you're frustrated and discouraged that's the clue to yourself to be extra sweet to yourself again. As survivors of parental narc abuse we carry around enormous mountains of grief, and that's to be expected, but whenever possible it's good to try to let go of the grief when we can, because excessive grief is also toxic. Above all, always remember there's nobody who's more precious than you. Please take good care of yourself! And Best Wishes! 💞
OMG thank you for sharing this! I think this explains why I've retreated so much since going no contact. I'm a homebody and introvert but I was thinking it was just fear feeding the agoraphobia but I think it's this too! I constantly feel like something is going to happen when I'm out of my house. Whether it's something with my health, accidentally running into my mom or her boyfriend, or something conflict related... I hate all the anxiety I have. At home it's tolerable and I have the tools I need. But not outside the home. I never connected it to my needs feeling like a burden or cause for conflict. Thank you! I can put it to words now.
Over two years now, my borderline/narc sister has finally quit trying to run me down with her brand of fake parasitic apology. I cut her off eight years ago after she assaulted me after my narc mother's funeral; this sister is eighteen years younger than me. My mother made me promise that I would take care of her the day this sister was born, and I selflessly did for many years. All the guilt, shame, and anxiety I waded through for years to be free. At seventy, I now cherish the clarity and peace I have.
Good point! I know I'm an empath and both parents were narcissistic. My father enough for NPD as far as I know, my mom just in the ego-centric way she existed. My mom raised me. I am an empath because I DONT want to see people suffering. And yet I have the weirdest moments where people like my parents, I feel so much hate towards them and I want to see them suffer. But in an eye for an eye sense if that makes any sense. I guess maybe I just want them to see how they are hurting other people.
@@sandramarieroberts1172 But going through that internal monologue and feeling others feelings so strongly is empathy. Yes, it was created from abuse and hypervigilance, but just because it was forced on us doesn't make it not exist. Narcs are also hypervigilant about others feelings, but they don't feel what others feel nor care and only use that ability to get what they want.
My Narcissist parents have made it very clear they expect me to support them financially. My whole adult life, I told them they needed to save money for their retirement, this advice was never applied. They drained my grandmother dry of her money so she died penniless. Now they expect me to step in where she left off. I've made it clear I don't intend to sabotage my retirement because they chose to live beyond their means. As a result, I'm the bad child and every one at first chance says or does something hateful and mean to me and my family. I've gone no contact because I've had too much mental and verbal abuse from them all. Now I deal with the sadness of being thrown away because I refused to be used for their financial money tree. It's totally sick and a great example of how to not ever be.
I earn 6 figures through my job but because I don't believe social security will be in place when I retire I started a business to be retirement income. I do not want to be a burden to my kids.
Don't be sad. I've gone through this phase too. One day, it suddenly occurred to me that I can 'breathe' freely! That feeling enlightened me that I could finally live for myself. Just go with the flow. When that sad feeling goes away,that's when you are free 😊. Btw, with u feeling sad now, it's one of the traits of narc parents/ people that they want to instill in u. So u will forever be under their control.
This rings quite true! I was 9 years old when my narc mom began having diabetic reactions and comas. During these events, she would be physically abusive as I would try to give her something sugary to raise her blood sugar (so that she wouldn't die from hypoglycemia). My parents would blame and shame me whenever mom had a reaction, saying that I stressed her out and that was why she was having so many reactions. As an adult, I now know that her diabetic reactions/comas were actually her fault for not taking her insulin properly and for always indulging in sweets and fatty foods. She would allow her blood sugar to drop dangerously low so she could enjoy all of the attention she would get by me, my brother and my dad trying to save her life. I was never able to sleep deeply for fear that she would have a reaction and I wouldn't wake up to save her in time. So I always just barely slept and was always exhausted. As an adult, my narc parents have used me as a maid, chauffeur, errand runner and as their personal bank. I've gone bankrupt trying to cater to their every need. I've been gray rocking them for about a year now. As soon as I have enough money, I plan on leaving them to handle their own needs in their old age.
OH MAN I FEEL THIS! My mother and my brother are both type 1 diabetics. I had to deal with this same crap MY ENTIRE LIFE. And well, as juvenile diabetics, their entire lives too. Yes yes yes I know about that fear about not sleeping deeply because you're terrified they're going to call out in the middle of the night and you won't hear them and then they die because you didn't get up and get their honey buns. Good lord, I feel this so much. I am so sorry you had to experience this too. In my case that made me severely codependent, and I learned to not have any needs. Their needs were way more important than mine -- THEY MIGHT DIE! And now, after 40 years of neglect, that's caught up to me. Now I'm sick. Now I'm in trouble. Now they finally see me, and they don't like sharing the spotlight.
So sorry to hear that you've been through the same thing! But it is nice to have someone to talk to that know EXACTLY what it's like. Usually when I try to explain it, people just can't wrap their minds around how this situation could be possible. Like you, I didn't leave my mom's side. I've been her personal lifesaver, therapist, maid and bank all my life. Everything came to a head last year when I had worked 60 hour work weeks for years to help support her and she wasn't allowing me to talk, always screaming at me to "Shut Up! Go to Hell!"I finally snapped and started screaming at her about how much I hated her. When she beat me for speaking without her permission, I called the cops on her. Like you, I'm suffering both physically and psychologically from a lifetime of abuse. 🥺 @@spacegirl226
Let me tell you leaving them to "handle their own needs" will not help. They will find greater Narcs than themselves and those Narcs and other personality disorder people will get access to your identity because your parents WILL give it to them and then it will be a bigger mess for you in that life you just built when you leave. I am not saying for you to not get independent. I am saying that get independent but manage them still in a way that is healthy for you. Find someone you can trust to help with their affairs AND then check up on them from time to time. Our presence alone keeps the worse Narcs away. This is necessary for us to keep that peace in our lives. I wish I had know this before going through what I am going through now.
I was 12 when I first noticed my mother being childish and manipulative. At 20 I noticed the one sided conversation. I just discovered narcissistic abuse at the age of 67. I went no contact many years ago just because it became impossible. But finally to understand. Wow!
Dad has been this way all my life, he mistakenly thinks I don't know. To borrow from(paraphrase, different context) Rhett Butler: "Dad, I don't give a damn!"
My dad crushed my well being to maintain his delusional image of himself that only he believed. Everyone played along to get him to shutup. Family expects me to pretend he's a "starship captain" because my dad's famous line "I've had it all figured since I was 16 years old. Everybody else is the problem." He's also a rockstar, MLB player, and a general in the US Army. Delusional, miserable, old curmudgeon. 🤣
Yes see how they react when you fail at something or need them...zero empathy. You are a failure and make you believe the situation is worse than it is. They didn't deserve to be parents
It's so difficult to explain to people why i don't like talking to my narc mil on the phone. She literally never calls me unless she's trying to self soothe through me. She'll start to conversation with how you're doing but then will quickly start saying how she saw my city on the news and she's worried. She got unchecked anxiety and she wanted me to calm her down. Once she gets what she wants she'll end the conversation. It feels jarring like wtf just happened. After a while i stopped picking up her calls bc it's completely self absorbed. If you've never experienced this, people are confused like what's the problem she just wanted to talk. No she used me to babysit her emotions. She's not introspective and inpulsive. Terrible combination.
Great description, this emotional dumping is so draining. Whenever I see news articles about lonely people whose kids don’t visit, I’m suspicious about whether these people could have been unkind in ways people cannot imagine.
This! This is something my fiance picked up from his mom's abuse and something I faced, so i put heavy boundaries on it. It's one thing to just want some reassurance but it's another to dump your emotions on someone and not deal with the problem yourself. I refuse to tolerate that, but I'm happy to let him vent if I have the energy.
Mine has cancer and will not care for himself. The guilt is real. Its so painful but I cannot save him. He will bring me down like all the previous women in his life. He truly is possessed.
Another great video. I was definitely conditioned to neglect my human needs, I was even praised for it. "You were such an easy baby, we could leave you on a blanket and you'd entertain yourself for hours." Why was a baby entertaining themselves for hours without play, feeding, changing, etc??? By then I was already conditioned not to expect my needs to matter or be attended to. It helps to look up lists of human needs to start to acknowledge them in the first place. Also, turning inwards to our sensations, noticing what's coming up in the body and learning to attune to and meet the needs we may be ignoring. We may not even realize when we're hungry, thirsty, have to use the bathroom, need to attend to a hygiene need, medical need, dental need, etc. It's like we're babies all over again and have to learn to attune to ourselves bc our so-called "caregivers" failed so spectacularly.
Indeed. I have a friend who is a psychologist, and he said what ever happened to you negatively in a dysfunctional family dynamic before 16 years old, you are not responsible for as you were a minor. Therefore, placing the responsibility for psychological harm back on to your parents, where it belongs.
I struggle to know my needs, the only thing that comes to mind is peace. Freedom from serving parents whose desire for drama can never be satiated, some daily moments with my pets who are so simple to please and are so loving. When nice normal people ask:”What are you into?” I have to make the answers up. I have no idea. Just surviving trying not to crack. These videos are so hugely helpful, this concept of refocusing back on my own responses is new to me, and much more helpful than a lot of the narcissist “bashing” videos out there. They feel cathartic to listen to, but for some progress the focus needs to come back to my own reactions.
I took over all of the household chores at age 11. Most of them prior to that. I could mix cocktails at age 8. Dad died young and my mother was basically helpless (drunk) for the nest 23 years. I could write a book.
Same here! When I would focus on my need for a break from caregiving, it felt like a vile betrayal that I was committing against my parents. Every waking hour, ever since I was little, I had to be serving them in some way. Up until the last year, I'd been suffering crippling anxiety, guilt and shame when doing something nice for myself, like going to a movie or out for a walk. I've been forcing myself to practice this new concept called "self-care". I had never heard of it before I began researching NPD in relationships.
I was trained to focus on others’ needs in a very immature way. To make them “happy”-not to serve their needs in a grown-up, responsible way. To give others what is right, and what is best for them instead of anything they want has been and still is a hard learning for me. Perhaps this is where all us overly compliant people come from.
My dad likes to hold a monologue about how I am just like his wonderful mum, who he says was such a kind person who did anything for anybody(I didn’t know her). It always made me feel uncomfortable, as his mum also died really young, and all the other stories are about how abused she was by her husband. I always want to add:”Was it because she also couldn’t find any other way to connect, other than serve?”
Its so strange that this only gets attention for survivors but there’s no great way to prevent the traumas that cause narcissism in the first place. The cleanup is such a mess.
@@SoulSeeker2025 as a kid I was afraid of the resources outside my home. I don’t know that they care like say normal parents with skin in the game. I was treated poorly by teachers and administrators at school for example.
I was raised by my single NPD mother from a very young age to believe it was my job to care of her because I owed her the debt that I can never repay. When I was sick as a kid, I had to fend for myself, she was not the mother that came or stayed home from work because her kid was sick. But when she got sick, I had to wait on her hand and foot. I couldn't go to college because it would be inconvenient to her, she would have to clean her own house and who would be there for her, she would have to do for herself. And who could she take her narc rage out on? Who could feel superior too? Who could she refer to as her maid, not her daughter but her maid. My mother destroyed my self-esteem (long sad story) to the point I was her puppet for all of my 20s. She was making 100K a year but I'm working 2 to 3 jobs to pay her bills, my bills and to try and save money. I literally couldn't ask my mother for a penny but I'm giving her 1000s of dollars, whole paychecks sometimes. I don't have kids and don't want them; I feel like I was parent from the age of 8. I finally broke free from her and want to sacrifice for myself for a change.
The point about Narcissist parents thinking they already achieved a healthy relationship, but in reality have not gotten to the starting line rings true for me. That belief is why your parents will never understand anything you try to tell them about your views, needs, feelings or thoughts.
For an experiment I butted in every time she started to gossip and go on and on. I pretended I was very interested in planets and astronomy all of a sudden. I passionatly explained how various rocks are formed. then I ended the conversation and left. it was amazing because I didn't catch the usual anxiety. I hate hearing about all the extended family and their problems because it's only half true and it's their private business. I spoke long and loud then left. highly recommend.
God I relate to this so much. I know heavy secrets of my Aunts that my cousins don’t even know… it’s a heavy burden I didn’t want or ask for. It just got word-vomited before I knew what was coming. Bravo and well done for taking that approach!
After 30 years I broke up with my father, after decades of mental terror. He has the emotional behavior of a 6 year old. Shortly after we broke up, he won the lottery. He can now play his toxic game and theatre to others, buying his image, but I know that these millions wont change anything inside of him: pure emptyness and running away in/from life will continue, until he dies. In the end they are the loser. This gives me peace
The worst part growing with a parent who had a personality disorder was taking on their emotional baggage you were their emotional support as well as their emotional punching bag. Basically as a kid I had to be the adult control my emotions not to upset my parent when they experienced their unpredictable severe mood swings. As I grew up I began to wonder why I was experiencing dissociative episodes the feeling of numbness & disconnected from life due to trauma bonding. When I entered my teens there were times that I came across as confused because of the traumas I experienced since early childhood.
I'm a recent subscriber. I'm really learning A LOT from your videos. Thank you 🙏😊 One thing I dealt with growing up in my toxic household is that there was no respect amongst anyone. ( Bio dad gone, alcoholic stepdad, me, a sister and a brother, I am the oldest). It wasn't enforced. My siblings treated me like crap. My mother, the head of the house and the narcissist, didn't enforce respect, treating each other with kindness, etc. We were triangulated. It seemed the others lacked empathy as well. There was no accountability for inappropriate actions. My childhood was about survival. I was always in fight or flight mode. I'm the peacemaker.
I relate to this so much. In my family, there was no respect among anyone either. I only recently came to that conclusion after doing a lot of figuring stuff out. There was no discussions of anything, no boundaries, no privacy, no dignity, no talking, no empathy....nothing of the sort in my family. We put on the perfect show for everyone, and I thought all this dysfunction was normal. But now the illusion is broken. I pity my parents for being unable to work through their own trauma and I'm furious at them for dumping it on my brother and me. I'm tired of surviving. Digital hugs to you and my wishes that you are doing a lot better now.
@@sarahpinho1114 yes, and I learned this later in life. No wonder why I feel exhausted! I've been listening to music @ night geared towards trauma therapy. Because I suffer from nightmares amongst other things. It's helping! There are so many choices of healing music 🎶🎶!
Yep. Not being an emotional toilet for my parent to dump in has been nice. No contact since 2013. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped me change my patterns and nail down my boundaries.
I walked in on Mom monologuing to her drinking buddies at her favorite bar, "My son's a weirdo -- he likes to hang out in cemeteries!", and made herself to seem a victim of my machinations, when all I did was try to help her. I went home and asked my wife, "How many times has my mom singularly called on the phone, or visited, or written a letter to us, over the past 19 years?" After several minutes, she said, "She never has!" So, I told my wife what happened and said, "That's what I was thinking, since I left home for college she never has made the effort! I'm done! It's up to her now!" She never did, but she did continue to play the victim, to lie through her teeth about anything and everything that had to do with her scapegoats. Her life was an absurd spectacle of narcissism.
Boy, do I need your help. Here I have been gaslit for so long, I thought it was my responsibility to help my 96 year old Father in his old age... Mom just died 2 years ago and my Father and narcissistic sister is all I have left. It wasn't until two or three weeks ago I had a little bit of a spiritual awakening, and am beginning to see things, for the first time in My Life.
My mother always questioned my "salvation" because I wanted to do simple things. I was raised in a very strict Fundamental church. Wearing jeans or listening to secular music meant you probably weren't a Christian. 😅
I got " You've got the Devil in you boy" for daring to express my own personality, opinion, correcting someone who was factually wrong, just for doing anything on my own at all, for daring to be myself. My mother screamed this at me for so much stuff. It's one of the things that is easiest for me to laugh at, funnily enough
So glad you spoke on this subject…I have parent that’s narcissistic and tries to throw guilt trip when i’m not always available to help. It’s nerve wracking.
Me too! it is relentless. I recently pushed back (going to right back) and he keeps emailing and trying to re-engage through doing stuff for my mother (whom I love and has dementia in a home), another form of guilt.
I learned this lesson when I finally divorced my narcissistic ex after learning about his years of financial deceit and infidelity, until this time I thought was loved and respected by his family. The moment I defined my boundaries they joined him in a vicious smear campaign and totally abandoned me. Initially I was very hurt, now with the support of a good therapist and the passage of time I take responsibility for my own needs and rather enjoy my rebel status.
You mentioned something in this video. Similar in the boundary videos. I have anticipatory anxiety for each next time my Mom or Brother test a boundary. (a sense of a for shortened future.) Im in school right now and it needs allot of focus. The anxiety is like... maybe if you -Jerry- were making a video. And at any time. You won't know when. Some one is going to jump out with air horn. Not only would you be frustrated that it happened. You would want to go for the rest of your life with it NEVER happening again. For me the "air horn" in this analogy is. "Hey, I know your in the middle of school but grandma would sure like you to visit for two weeks this month." The fact that the question for the 50th time even came out of their face has started to emotionally feel like I'm waiting to be mauled by a bear. Also I don't know if you touch on this as well. - Chronic under functioning as control. Including emotional under functioning. With parents but also in marriage. Wife in this case being. "I can't talk about this issue because I'm upset that you think there is an issue that needs talked about." " Lets talk about how much it bothers me that you want to talk." lol Thanks
It's why I have thrived in my emergency services job. Being on call or on standby for emergencies because I was literally programmed from birth to respond to emergencies and drama
Thank God we got rid of my father in law in October 23 after 5 1/2 yrs of almost destroying our marriage! Having him move in was the worst thing we could've done to ourselves!
I'm 55 and my father is 81. I'm not sure if he's a narcissist, but he's certainly demanding. He's been responsible for 95% of my stress and unhappiness throughout my life, and on top of that, he always wants favours or work carried out by me. Forty years of 'do this, do that' and I feel like I've never broken free. How old must I be before I can have some peace, and live my life to my ideal modelling?
Awareness & education about narcissistic abuse and Cluster B personality disorders in general is still kinda an issue unfortunately...Also some therapists just aren't that great at their job.And a handful are greedy narcissistic creeps that want to keep patients stuck so they keep coming back over & over for good business🤢.There are some good well informed therapists out there but you have to 👀 carefully to find them.
I think therapists largely just aren't educated on these things. Most of the specifialists I've seen on UA-cam went into it to deal with their own trauma so they actually know what it's like.
Yup, been in therapy for a while and I have been people pleasing and over functioning for a long time. Worked hard to get that out of my system. Thanks Jerry. 😊
This is so on target as to what is going on in my life. It is very hard because I have lived this since I was a child but have only recently began to understand it for what it is. The bad thing is it just gets worse as the parent ages and becomes more dependent on us children. The parent has now driven a wedge between one of my siblings and is now working on driven a wedge between my other sibling. The demands are constant and the treatment is getting uglier. Some days I just want to walk away and never look back.
Man, I read the comments and it makes me so sad. I am finally realizing my dad, who honestly has been my fucking hero, is a narcissist. I’m 38, and it’s crushing, but I still want to keep him in my life. The problem I keep seeing is that I’ll end up having to and fuck…I really don’t want to
0:11 🧠 Narcissistic parents prioritize their own needs over their children's, lacking empathy and self-soothing abilities. 2:05 🐒 Children of narcissistic parents may become "flying monkeys," tasked with fulfilling their parents' needs and mediating their problems with others. 3:52 🔄 Intergenerational trauma and low insight contribute to narcissistic parents' inability to understand healthy relationships and self-awareness. 5:59 😞 Children raised by narcissistic parents often ignore their own needs and focus solely on meeting the needs of others, leading to feelings of guilt and anxiety when prioritizing themselves. 8:06 📚 Understanding and addressing one's own needs requires a shift from "how" to "when" mindset, acknowledging the readiness to prioritize self-discovery and healing.
Once my eyes became open to the x narc husband, God begin to allow me to see why i was ok being married to such a person... my father. He was abusive to my 2 older brothers, abusive to my narc older sister, and i was pinned as the scapegoat by my sister. I grew up being abused my my older sister so when the x husband started abusing me slowly, it seemed normal. 11 yrs later i filed divorce and God allowed me to see my mother is an enabler, my father tells me ur my favorite child, i dont respond. Once i saw truth, and told my dad i couldn't do a particular thing for him and my mother, ive not heard from them since. Im ok with that, Ive got a father in heaven who loves me, a father in heaven who has made it all ok to now take care of me and be the parent i need to be.
They are upset because I am working towards moving out. They are portraying sad characters. If anything, they are sad I will no longer be here to dump their inner tension on. My gc sister is crying because she cannot drive or be left alone. These people should of thought of this before abusing, gaslighting, giving silent treatment and excluding me from things. Me leaving is self explanatory yet they are playing a victim role. This is exhausting.
Mr. Wise, you are 100% correct in how the narcissistic parent is. I cut my ENTIRE maternal family off, no contact, for three years now due to the family flying monkeys and triangulations my mother manipulated. It was hard, but I’m free, happy, healthy and have met my soul-family; I now know what healthy love is supposed to be like 🙌🏾❤️🙏.
2:05 I was my dad's Flying Monkey 🐒 He always called on me to listen to him complain about how others wronged him. I was 5 years old when this started & lasted until I left the house at 17. It's exhausting listening to a man in his 40's complain to a child about how hard _his_ life is 🫠
Monological conversations. That's such an appropriate term. I'm not a big talker unless I'm really comfortable with someone. A lot of it stems from being silenced or being talked over by my mother and my father to some extent.. They where big on controlling the narrative about everything. They were always right and what we thought didn't matter..You will just have to do as they say and deal with it... It's taken me years to learn how to assert myself and believe that my thoughts and opinions are as valid as anyone elses. I still struggle but I'm so glad that I can finally unpack years of disfunction threw these videos..
I felt like you were describing my exact life in this video! I was raised to be my mother's future carer and now I am moving to another town she has made me feel like a terrible daughter and selfish and wrong and so guilty i can't even eat food cos I'm too anxious... it took me a long time to admit my mother is probably a narcissist because I was always defending her since she had a bad childhood...
Thank you for this video. The biggest issue i had when i decided to go 'no contact' with my family member is that the rest of the family would say i'm being selfish for going 'no contact' and that I "SHOULD" stay in contact with them because they family and its the right thing to do. In past years, i would give into this and get caught in the cycle and the same pattern over and over and get hurt everytime. Until I said NO, I'm putting myself first.
I feel like I’ve over corrected. I went low contact to determine what my needs even are and now I cannot tolerate any adult behaving like a child in any capacity. Burnout maybe. I hope everyone struggling knows you are not alone and you are not anyone’s servant.
Self-care things that help me and my siblings: yoga/meditation/prayer, regular eating and sleeping habits, essential oils, baths, gentle exercise (like walking/biking, a sort of relaxing exercise, better if it’s outdoors), eating healthy foods (lots whole fruits and vegetables), learning to play and have fun (it helps if you have kids to do this with)
I take no responsibility for their needs. For some reason, neither of them are getting it through their heads. There was little to no concern after the issues caused to me due to their bad decisions. Imagine having someone still lurking on you, after you've cut contact. You can't live vicariously through your kids. Personally, I am sane and stable. The other issues caused are not psychological. It's been an almost psychotic sort of stalking, utilizing other people, my siblings, etc. No contact means no contact. Not contact through someone else. This means I don't want to see or hear from again, nor do I want anyone talking to them attempting to contact me or attempt to phish for info.
My narcissist father tells me the most fantastical lies that are so easily disseminated, then he will change the story only a short time later to another narrative completely , it's so exhausting . As many have said before the best thing to do is to go no contact .
This is the first I'm even considering that my father is narcissistic. Looking back on a recent conversation, he actually felt that when I married (after college) and moved away, began a family etc that I should have moved back home (or to the area he's in) and that I wasn't loyal to the family because I had moved away and started my own life! And now in his elder years, there is this underlying guilt trip that I should carry on with my own life, but what an awful person I'd be if I did! It's just sick....and has kept me completely 'tied' all these years.
This was so true about feeling awkward pursuing my own needs. My parents made me play several musical instruments growing up even though I clearly wasn't very interested and they used to tell everyone I was a musician. And then as soon as I turned 18 I left home and dropped it all. It felt really strange and awkward pursuing my own interests independently. There was a lot of guilt there too as my mum kept saying how disappointed she was.
I disagree that narcissists are suffering with their condition. Having been married to a diagnosed narcissist the only suffering they experience is when you're not acting like their slave.
This is my mother..completely. My father can tend to this really easy. My mother has no excuse b/c her parents raised me, and my father was abused..yet not an excuse for the horrid abuse has done to me. It's painful..
My mom definitely used the environment to keep me supporting her. She was careful to only badtalk me when i had my autistic meltdowns and expressed my own needs. Our conversations were monologues 99% of the time. Even if i replied, it was manipulated into being confirmation of her. The intergenerational trauma thing... Its absolutely it. She acted like she was already past what she went through, up until i expressed similar needs or she got triggered. Then she had no idea how to deal with it other than to act out and blame me. Im trying to learn to prioritize my own needs. Getting out of the fawn response is my main focus right now. Trying to learn how i was wrongly programmed so i know where to fix it. Im trying so much. But it is depressing learning as an adult that the parent you practically worshipped until you had to flee for your life never actually cared about you. Im just glad i had a good man by my side to protect me and to support me so we could find a life on our own. I think the first thing i deprogrammed was the anxiety and shame and guilt of feeling like i abandoned her to homelessness. It turned into anger as i realized that i never should have been responsible for that and that she put herself in that position on purpose. I ended up starting to care about her as much as she did for me - which was nothing. I cant remember a single moment of my life where i feel like she showed unconditional love. There was always conditions.
This describes how I grew up! I’m wondering. After my parents , and friends have now passed, I ruminating and empathise with what they suffered before they passed and thinking if only I could have helped more, done more, so this grief I am trying to come to terms with.
WOW!!!!! EXACTLY!!!! Explained what I couldn't explain and have lived through. I gain peace, clarity, a piece of myself and relief through this and your other videos. SO HELPFUL!!!!!
My mother has been dead for four years & l am only now coming to grips with the fact that l think she was a narcissist, exposing herself more as she got older. Jerry everything you say (mostly) l can relate to her. I could go on for hours. It hits you like a ton of bricks when you think back over the years.
Such a great video Jerry.. I know I will be working on this the rest of my life but I loved your tooth brushing analogy! So true it can really be that crazy !! Put more of a perspective on how I still look out for others needs over mine! But I am doing much better than where I started before meeting you. I have been so blessed to have been your client! God Bless you Jerry!
Your presentation topic is one of the many reasons that I relocated back to Tennessee. I was back home in Maryland an entire day before I could tell what being back home would be like. Long story short, between approximately 10:00 a.m and 2:30 p.m., my first day back, my mother called 5 times. Wanting nothing of any importance. By the 5th call, I was highly irritated but didn't indicate it on the phone because it would have been an argument. I said, "Yes, mam?" Her response, "Oh, I didn't want nothing", and then chuckled. I thought, "Then why did you call?"🤨 Of course, I knew why: She was setting a precedent. Last just say that I didn't stay in touch with her, and by the time I relocated back to Tennessee, I hadn't spoken or saw her in 1.5 years. It will be 5 years this April. I want no contact.
Wished I knew about this mental illness much sooner. I'm 65. Both of my parents. (and I use the term parents very loosely), were quite horrid. I was pretty much blamed for everything in their life, it was my fault. I was little, I didn't understand what was going on. My father's parents ended up raising me because of the hate for me. Years later, when they both ended up having Alzheimer's, they had no wills, trusts, medical POA"s. nothing. I ended up becoming a guardian for both and ending up being in dept for their bills, nursing home, everything. I'm in poverty now, so they got the last laugh in. Pretty bad.
You are describing my neighbors' behavior towards her children. She definitely, needs your help, and there is no talking to her, and I unfortunately, have witnessed this, She also extends that behavior to the neighbors around her.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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Thank you again Dr. Wise. You are invaluable.
I wish that I knew about all of this decades ago. I am 59 years old and I am only know finding out what a horrible narcissistic mother that I had growing up. She still treats me like I am ignorant little boy that she can easily manipulate and control.
Make your next ten years the best ten years! ❤
Me too. I'm a little older than you and realise that I've been manipulated etc. by my mother for years.
Wish I'd a knownthis. Age3-63 I was my Mother's Doctor& best friend.. Weird- warped Selfish' & she a " PROFESSIONAL VICTIM" what a Wasted 60 yrs
@@carolnahigian9518 Sounds like we could be sisters.
I experienced same, at 58, walked away, no contact, does feel like wasted years of giving, caring, trying, hoping to connect, they can't! In a different reality, pretending to care, so cruel ,toxic and nasty.
Very destructive behavior. Growing up in an environment where immature parents cannot cope or handle their own adult issues. It begins when they don't see you (child or adult child) as a separate person. Their needs are your needs. Their problems are your problems. If you have your own, separate needs, they aren't interested. That's because you shouldn't have them. You are only a servant to their needs. It's sad, but it's reality.
They suck the life out of a room.
Funny how "it's all about me" becomes something they use against you when you won't do what they want you to do for them.
My dad rails against the Left when they use Saul Alinsky's mantra of "accuse your enemy of what you are guilty of". That's wrong to use in politics but perfectly okay to use against family and friends.
It's called gaslighting. It's how they divert attention from the fact they are manipulating you. They blame you for what they are doing, and for the things they actually do to others; "you only care about yourself," is one of their favorite ways to demean you, but it is also them telling on themselves (what they do and believe). The things narcissists say is bits and pieces of their own character, it truly reflects who they are, but it is distracting because we usually don't recognize it until years later.
I recognise this too😢
I just tell em straight up "yeah this is about me. It's about my establishing boundaries because you don't have the right to control me."
Yes!
Everytime my father calls, my stomach clenches. He just gaslights, blames others, and wants his adult kids to do what he wants ( usually not legal, ethical, or safe). I am 68 yrs old and finally blocked his number on my cell phone.
I agree... When my mother would come around my stomach did the same thing. When I see them in the grocery store or some were. My stomach starts. It's a spirt!
He might go on a massive smear campaign and torment others until they give your number up. That's what my dad did. So many people want you to be his punching bag so they don't have to deal with it. Like my whole life is meant to be waiting hand and foot on my dad while somehow living a life. If I can't do both better than everybody combined working together and faster than everyone else working together then I'm worse than Hitler and family says any and all evil is justified against me since I "upset your dad". He can literally do no wrong. Amazing how people will blindly side with other people based purely on titles. He's the dad so he's always right. Dude can cuss and yell while spitting food across the table and family tells me to stop doing that while telling my dad "good job" as he's still throwing a tantrum. No way my family is this damn stupid. They hate me, plain and simple.
Three cheers for you.😊
I used to feel like that when I knew I was going to talk to my dad. I finally went no contact, I wrote him a letter telling him some home truths and he replied saying he will no longer be having anything to do with me. My plan worked.
@@dakoderii4221The flying 🐒s are just as screwed up as the narc ringleader in their own ways...A narc will show you not only who they are but also who OTHER people really are as well.
When you stop meeting their needs you become cruel, selfish its a trap dont believe it. They want you to stay an emotional slave. However this toxic system sometimes spills into the workplace, marriages and friendships for victims of this. Fight for your needs journal about them. Needs are completely ok to have ❤❤
It's all about control. I was a slave for decades, trying to please impossible people. No contact was my only option.
@@realhealing7802 ♥
@@realhealing7802 Same here for me.
Thanks, you're right! My parents never allowed me to feel or exhibit any emotion other than happiness. They treated me like my needs were a joke and that only their needs mattered. I was just a slave to them...and I don't even count as a person.
How is ok to meet everyone's needs and abandon yours. What a mess they created in our brains
One of the saddest things in my life was realising my family are all narcs. Took me decades of WTF ? is wrong with them, was it me etc until my own parents both found new families and lives and they literally dropped me like a stone and I've never seen them since.
Cookie, that may have been a blessing because that freed you to find a family of choice.
Try not to dwell on the negatives of your family abandoning you. This may be one of the best things to happen because you don't have to deal with rampant toxicity and constant stress. The absolute nicest part is that you can get to decide who you want first and foremost in your life. The choices you get to make are all yours. You can trust yourself to make them.
Internet high five.
Biggest blessing going rather than be trapped with them in a never ending nightmare
@@monicaperez2843 there is no good people, I was starved to end up back with them. no one would help me
I'm sorry you've been thru that I know how that feels 😢
Only boss is them. Only pain is theirs. Only valid needs are theirs.
And no matter what, it's my fault. Punishable fault.
♥
Until I went no contact I had no idea I had needs too, Im 52 and just realizing that there is a way ahead, Thank you Jerry 😍
Omg! I'm 31 and the same thing just happened to me! We still have sm life left to live 💙💙💙🐦. That's what your comment reminded me of because I was hard on myself unnecessarily for all the "life lost" not cutting them off/no realizing all these things 😞. But we are good!! 💯 Some people live their whole lives that way, sadly 😢.
I got lucky though because I was trying to hold her accountable for her recent stream of horrible behavior towards me and her response was that she was just never going to talk to me again 🤣 🤣🤣😂 and if I wanted to talk to her then I'd have to message her first according to her. I never did since 🤣😂 I've been the happiest I've ever been and of course she took it all back and has been sending me weird guilt tripping texts and stuff. Even lightly stalking me. She even sent me a video of herself talking about "look at the state of me, pls talk to me" and upon reading the text I thought it'd be her crying or something but no. It was a freaky video that made me feel like "wow all this narcissist stuff is hella real" because she looked phony, dramatic, like maybe she had a headache from being so angry. She couldn't conceal her hatred and the anger she was trying to hide felt very conniving and sinister. It didn't feel like the anger someone has when they've been hurt? It's scary but I saved it for evidence because I have two brothers who are the greatest in the world, so full of empathy that they still don't get it.
Wonderful!
Same thing. Lol ❤
I knew I had/have needs, that will not be ignored so he can feel superior. I exorcised this demon(Dad) via no-contact. What a blessing for me!
This is the first time i have heard anyone mention the monologue phone calls. I wasted too much of my life doing this. Then I got cancer and decided not to waste any more time. 58 years of it.
Definitely....hated telephone calls with my Mum, it was so strained and completely awful... hope you can enjoy your life now, but sorry to hear you have cancer 😒
My mother was never happier than when I was sick during chemo. She often tells me it was great and we should go back and do it again . Wt? Now I'm trying to avoid any contact. Good luck with your treatment.
@@jammyjay917 ♥
@@carolstellman3632 Definitely something off with saying that. ♥
Oh, my goodness. I'm so sorry.
Oh yes, lol. I broke my jaw as a child. My mother and sister were waxing a floor at the time. One of them kicked over the bottle of liquid wax on their way out of the room to come and get me and take me to the emergency room. It's been my fault since, for the spilled wax on the floor. I'm 61 now and I was 7 then. I sit back and laugh at all of it now because I recognize how ridiculous 'it all was' , all the accusations throughout my life. I found that the lasting effect of all of it was I didn't take good care of myself and am training myself to take very good care of myself now. It's been a work in progress for a few years. I am worthy.
🤗
Incredible! I know the feeling...70 yrs old and still getting yelled at for things i did or am accused of when i was in grade school....patents recently died so my sisters have taken their place blaming me....
I am so proud of you 🥲👏👏👏
@@arcturianoracle784 thank you!
@@kathyjenkins1222 I understand what that is like. I moved hundreds of miles away years ago and stopped contact with one sibling who is like yours. Best wishes to you. I hope you don't have to live with them.
My father acts like he's Mr perfect and never do anything wrong . He also the reason why I have severe depression , anxiety issues , low self esteem , suicidal thoughts , low testerone , thyroid problems , weight gain , diabetes , can't get a girlfriend . He's a freaking control freak with lack of empathy , narcissistic tendicies , double standards , hypocritical thinking . Yet I get treated like I'm crazy ! Sick n tired of his controlling manipulative behavior . I'm an adult I can make my own decisions .
Do you still live with him? I'm sorry you're experiencing this. You definitely don't deserve the abuse!
@@flowerchild89No but he still acts like he owns me he can go screw himself . He acts like he wants to micromanage my every move . Then acts like he's some kind of lawyer saying maybe I can advocate for you like wtf ? You drove me to depression , anxiety issues , low self esteem now you wanna all of sudden be my lawyer hell no fts . Feel like I'm in living in a horror movie !
@@flowerchild89 No I don't but he still as I live with him he wants too secretly make my decisions for me .
No contact a blessing!
Start working on your weight gain and diabetes ASAP. That is critical. Start on the path of getting your health back on track. Go walking around the block, to clear your head, at least 2-3 times a day & don’t keep your head buried in your phone. Enjoy the rest of your life. 😊 Praying for your continual healing. 🙏🏾❤️
I remember when my dad would vent to me about his day at work and even his verbal abuse...and I couldn't help but think to myself "I don't think I'm suppose to be hearing this".
♥No you weren’t. None of us were. Somehow some parents just don’t have insight that we needed help and modelling on how to peacefully exist in this world.
I hear ya. 18 months after my mum died my dad decided to tell me my mum committed suicide, are you f@#king kidding me, Im no contact now.
💯 my sister was the oldest and my dad used to talk to her about all the money problems and everything. Very inappropriate. I always feel bad.
She was also like a mother to me and my brother because my mom was alcoholic so couldn’t really take care of us…
Through a couple decades, me and my siblings have collaborated on recovery and we have all discovered that a high level of self-care is necessary for us… like special attention on doing things like yoga, baths, using essential oils, praying (if you’re religious), eating and sleeping at regular schedules… we are still working on it but it helps if you can collaborate with others and share what helps
@@yvonnes7412 your blessed to have your siblings, my parents have kept my sisters away from me, 2 I haven't seen for over 30 years. I'm doing recovery on my own as I'm the only one in my family awake to what's going on. My mum passed away and another sister rang me to tell me but wants nothing to do with me because i didnt get tge Covid vaccination, I was heart broken but its not her fault she's just doing what she has been programmed to do and because i was always getting into trouble when i was younger they still think im that person thank's to mum and dad. My dad liars so much about me to get sympathy I can't be around him, he runs my mum down all the time, says stuff I shouldn't know. I don't miss him, I miss what should of been, there always feels like an empty hole that i just can't fill.
I remember so many moments like this.
When I finally focused on my own needs I felt like I was continuously in the greatest danger. That created overwhelming anxiety, agoraphobia, clastrophobia, gephyrophobia, sensitivity to loud noises, social anxiety, dissociation. If someone rang the doorbell I nearly jumped out of my skin. I had to turn off the ringer to my phone. I couldn't even stand the sound of the TV. I had no choice but to continue in my self-focus, but I totally get why people remain other-focused. In a ass-backward way being other-focused IS being self-focused. Fortunately I'm through the worst of it and now able to focus on myself without all of the "side effects."
It’s been years since I’ve turned the ringer on my phone. I know this feeling all too well.
Good to know this isn't unusual, since I'm going through all that and lots of other things right now. It took me getting really ill to wake up to how my parents are. I'm fed up of both of them. I suffered at the hands of my mother and to this day my mother backs him. It was her backing him despite how ill I am that woke me to the fact she is very toxic and will always put him first no matter what. Seeing it and now thinking of self has set her on the guilt manipulations. Just last week I was so ill and my pet died on top. Her answer your father is really poorly today! He is 80 and the fittest youngest looking 80 year old I know. My illness is permanent and life changing but yeah okay mom!
@@bereal6590 So sorry for you, and sorry for the loss of your pet. Sounds like your mother is compulsively fawning, which is a way of coping with her own severe pain, fear and shortcomings. My narc mother is horrible too, but I know her history, and there's some terrible childhood trauma so severe she blocked it from her memory for 35 years. I don't excuse her bad behavior but on some level I know she's also just doing the best she can with the available tools she has. I'm no contact with her at the moment because, like you, I've also had enough. My father passed away years ago was also abusive, and he was often my mother's enabler, and sometimes her flying monkey. He also suffered an abusive childhood, so definitely not a good situation. I also have 5 siblings, of which 4 are extremely toxic, disfunctional, and displaying varying degrees of narcissism.
Unfortunately there are parts of the healing journey that are particularly painful. By committing to making myself a priority, and turning away from caring about the narcs in my family I was removing all my false self-protection. For a long while it was a living hell for me, but it showed me all the feelings and fears I had been unconsciously trying to avoid. The "side effects" showed me what happens when I'm no longer able to hide the truth from myself. I stuck it out because I had no choice, but getting through it was ultimately very healing in the end.
When I had complained to my therapist about how awful I was feeling, she said for what I had been through with my family, if I were NOT feeling horrible that would be very strange indeed. That made me see my emotional pain as acceptable, not a flaw. Of course it still wasn't fun, but it was exactly as it should be. My physical health has also been bad but I'm now feeling more optimistic emotionally because the torturous decades-long depression has been subsiding in big chunks. Now I love myself again, and I genuinely like myself a lot too. I am finally a good and compassionate friend to myself. And I'm so glad to be at a place where my narc family's criticisms don't land.
I hope that you can make YOU your highest priority, and be as kind to yourself as possible, and as often as possible. When you stumble in your healing, give yourself your own kind regard again. When you're frustrated and discouraged that's the clue to yourself to be extra sweet to yourself again. As survivors of parental narc abuse we carry around enormous mountains of grief, and that's to be expected, but whenever possible it's good to try to let go of the grief when we can, because excessive grief is also toxic. Above all, always remember there's nobody who's more precious than you. Please take good care of yourself! And Best Wishes! 💞
Omg this is so relatable! I’ve NEVER been asked how I’m feeling or doing & she always flips the script on me & plays the victim!!
OMG thank you for sharing this! I think this explains why I've retreated so much since going no contact. I'm a homebody and introvert but I was thinking it was just fear feeding the agoraphobia but I think it's this too! I constantly feel like something is going to happen when I'm out of my house. Whether it's something with my health, accidentally running into my mom or her boyfriend, or something conflict related... I hate all the anxiety I have. At home it's tolerable and I have the tools I need. But not outside the home. I never connected it to my needs feeling like a burden or cause for conflict. Thank you! I can put it to words now.
Over two years now, my borderline/narc sister has finally quit trying to run me down with her brand of fake parasitic apology. I cut her off eight years ago after she assaulted me after my narc mother's funeral; this sister is eighteen years younger than me. My mother made me promise that I would take care of her the day this sister was born, and I selflessly did for many years. All the guilt, shame, and anxiety I waded through for years to be free.
At seventy, I now cherish the clarity and peace I have.
I'm glad you've finally found clarity and peace. Better late than never at all!
Bless you.
As someone who started her healing at 35 years old, Jerry is a gift for humanity.
...... I started to do so at 55, by the grace of God.
It just blows your mind how one can live all that time and not "know"
Absolutely right, good luck to you! ❤
Monologue = sounds like a potential reason why some children of NPD become empaths.
Good point! I know I'm an empath and both parents were narcissistic. My father enough for NPD as far as I know, my mom just in the ego-centric way she existed. My mom raised me. I am an empath because I DONT want to see people suffering. And yet I have the weirdest moments where people like my parents, I feel so much hate towards them and I want to see them suffer. But in an eye for an eye sense if that makes any sense. I guess maybe I just want them to see how they are hurting other people.
It’s not empathy. It’s hypervigilance. Being on high alert to the needs of others as preventative measure.
A one-way street to nowhere!
@@sandramarieroberts1172 But going through that internal monologue and feeling others feelings so strongly is empathy. Yes, it was created from abuse and hypervigilance, but just because it was forced on us doesn't make it not exist. Narcs are also hypervigilant about others feelings, but they don't feel what others feel nor care and only use that ability to get what they want.
My Narcissist parents have made it very clear they expect me to support them financially. My whole adult life, I told them they needed to save money for their retirement, this advice was never applied. They drained my grandmother dry of her money so she died penniless. Now they expect me to step in where she left off. I've made it clear I don't intend to sabotage my retirement because they chose to live beyond their means. As a result, I'm the bad child and every one at first chance says or does something hateful and mean to me and my family. I've gone no contact because I've had too much mental and verbal abuse from them all. Now I deal with the sadness of being thrown away because I refused to be used for their financial money tree. It's totally sick and a great example of how to not ever be.
I earn 6 figures through my job but because I don't believe social security will be in place when I retire I started a business to be retirement income. I do not want to be a burden to my kids.
You did the most bravest thing it's gd to protect you you did amazing
Since Dad(narc) has not been there for me, I will not be there for him. Plus, I am no-contact, which makes this self-care so much easier!
Don't be sad.
I've gone through this phase too.
One day, it suddenly occurred to me that I can 'breathe' freely!
That feeling enlightened me that I could finally live for myself.
Just go with the flow. When that sad feeling goes away,that's when you are free 😊.
Btw, with u feeling sad now, it's one of the traits of narc parents/ people that they want to instill in u.
So u will forever be under their control.
This rings quite true! I was 9 years old when my narc mom began having diabetic reactions and comas. During these events, she would be physically abusive as I would try to give her something sugary to raise her blood sugar (so that she wouldn't die from hypoglycemia). My parents would blame and shame me whenever mom had a reaction, saying that I stressed her out and that was why she was having so many reactions. As an adult, I now know that her diabetic reactions/comas were actually her fault for not taking her insulin properly and for always indulging in sweets and fatty foods. She would allow her blood sugar to drop dangerously low so she could enjoy all of the attention she would get by me, my brother and my dad trying to save her life. I was never able to sleep deeply for fear that she would have a reaction and I wouldn't wake up to save her in time. So I always just barely slept and was always exhausted. As an adult, my narc parents have used me as a maid, chauffeur, errand runner and as their personal bank. I've gone bankrupt trying to cater to their every need. I've been gray rocking them for about a year now. As soon as I have enough money, I plan on leaving them to handle their own needs in their old age.
♥Oh my goodness, so sorry they are like that. Love and courage to you💗!
OH MAN I FEEL THIS!
My mother and my brother are both type 1 diabetics. I had to deal with this same crap MY ENTIRE LIFE. And well, as juvenile diabetics, their entire lives too.
Yes yes yes I know about that fear about not sleeping deeply because you're terrified they're going to call out in the middle of the night and you won't hear them and then they die because you didn't get up and get their honey buns.
Good lord, I feel this so much. I am so sorry you had to experience this too. In my case that made me severely codependent, and I learned to not have any needs. Their needs were way more important than mine -- THEY MIGHT DIE!
And now, after 40 years of neglect, that's caught up to me. Now I'm sick. Now I'm in trouble. Now they finally see me, and they don't like sharing the spotlight.
So sorry to hear that you've been through the same thing! But it is nice to have someone to talk to that know EXACTLY what it's like. Usually when I try to explain it, people just can't wrap their minds around how this situation could be possible. Like you, I didn't leave my mom's side. I've been her personal lifesaver, therapist, maid and bank all my life. Everything came to a head last year when I had worked 60 hour work weeks for years to help support her and she wasn't allowing me to talk, always screaming at me to "Shut Up! Go to Hell!"I finally snapped and started screaming at her about how much I hated her. When she beat me for speaking without her permission, I called the cops on her. Like you, I'm suffering both physically and psychologically from a lifetime of abuse. 🥺 @@spacegirl226
Let me tell you leaving them to "handle their own needs" will not help. They will find greater Narcs than themselves and those Narcs and other personality disorder people will get access to your identity because your parents WILL give it to them and then it will be a bigger mess for you in that life you just built when you leave. I am not saying for you to not get independent. I am saying that get independent but manage them still in a way that is healthy for you. Find someone you can trust to help with their affairs AND then check up on them from time to time. Our presence alone keeps the worse Narcs away. This is necessary for us to keep that peace in our lives. I wish I had know this before going through what I am going through now.
That's so awful 😞
I was 12 when I first noticed my mother being childish and manipulative. At 20 I noticed the one sided conversation. I just discovered narcissistic abuse at the age of 67. I went no contact many years ago just because it became impossible. But finally to understand. Wow!
Dad has been this way all my life, he mistakenly thinks I don't know. To borrow from(paraphrase, different context) Rhett Butler: "Dad, I don't give a damn!"
Me too
Makes sense! This also explains the parents neglecting your well being if it means maintaining their own image and reputation.
My dad crushed my well being to maintain his delusional image of himself that only he believed. Everyone played along to get him to shutup. Family expects me to pretend he's a "starship captain" because my dad's famous line "I've had it all figured since I was 16 years old. Everybody else is the problem." He's also a rockstar, MLB player, and a general in the US Army. Delusional, miserable, old curmudgeon. 🤣
Yes see how they react when you fail at something or need them...zero empathy. You are a failure and make you believe the situation is worse than it is. They didn't deserve to be parents
It's so difficult to explain to people why i don't like talking to my narc mil on the phone. She literally never calls me unless she's trying to self soothe through me. She'll start to conversation with how you're doing but then will quickly start saying how she saw my city on the news and she's worried. She got unchecked anxiety and she wanted me to calm her down. Once she gets what she wants she'll end the conversation. It feels jarring like wtf just happened. After a while i stopped picking up her calls bc it's completely self absorbed. If you've never experienced this, people are confused like what's the problem she just wanted to talk. No she used me to babysit her emotions. She's not introspective and inpulsive. Terrible combination.
Great description, this emotional dumping is so draining. Whenever I see news articles about lonely people whose kids don’t visit, I’m suspicious about whether these people could have been unkind in ways people cannot imagine.
This! This is something my fiance picked up from his mom's abuse and something I faced, so i put heavy boundaries on it. It's one thing to just want some reassurance but it's another to dump your emotions on someone and not deal with the problem yourself. I refuse to tolerate that, but I'm happy to let him vent if I have the energy.
That's my mom
You don't have to explain yourself to anyone!
Mine has cancer and will not care for himself. The guilt is real. Its so painful but I cannot save him. He will bring me down like all the previous women in his life. He truly is possessed.
Love the toothbrush example. Shows how ridiculous the narcissist's expectations are.
Another great video. I was definitely conditioned to neglect my human needs, I was even praised for it. "You were such an easy baby, we could leave you on a blanket and you'd entertain yourself for hours." Why was a baby entertaining themselves for hours without play, feeding, changing, etc??? By then I was already conditioned not to expect my needs to matter or be attended to.
It helps to look up lists of human needs to start to acknowledge them in the first place. Also, turning inwards to our sensations, noticing what's coming up in the body and learning to attune to and meet the needs we may be ignoring. We may not even realize when we're hungry, thirsty, have to use the bathroom, need to attend to a hygiene need, medical need, dental need, etc. It's like we're babies all over again and have to learn to attune to ourselves bc our so-called "caregivers" failed so spectacularly.
perfect way to put it
Indeed. I have a friend who is a psychologist, and he said what ever happened to you negatively in a dysfunctional family dynamic before 16 years old, you are not responsible for as you were a minor. Therefore, placing the responsibility for psychological harm back on to your parents, where it belongs.
I struggle to know my needs, the only thing that comes to mind is peace. Freedom from serving parents whose desire for drama can never be satiated, some daily moments with my pets who are so simple to please and are so loving. When nice normal people ask:”What are you into?” I have to make the answers up. I have no idea. Just surviving trying not to crack. These videos are so hugely helpful, this concept of refocusing back on my own responses is new to me, and much more helpful than a lot of the narcissist “bashing” videos out there. They feel cathartic to listen to, but for some progress the focus needs to come back to my own reactions.
“They borrow self from us” really struck a nerve for me.
Wow! This is how things are with my mother! I have had to remove myself from her life. Finally!!
Never relent.
Same here, but I still feel guilty😢
At 74, I finally saw the light because of this video. Too late to change, but knowledge offers comfort to my soul.
same here
I took over all of the household chores at age 11. Most of them prior to that. I could mix cocktails at age 8. Dad died young and my mother was basically helpless (drunk) for the nest 23 years. I could write a book.
Ugh. So true. It can become rather painfully awkward for me. Almost distressing to meet my own needs first. It feels so selfish!
Same here! When I would focus on my need for a break from caregiving, it felt like a vile betrayal that I was committing against my parents. Every waking hour, ever since I was little, I had to be serving them in some way. Up until the last year, I'd been suffering crippling anxiety, guilt and shame when doing something nice for myself, like going to a movie or out for a walk. I've been forcing myself to practice this new concept called "self-care". I had never heard of it before I began researching NPD in relationships.
@@ellensunden2778 ♥
♥
❤
I was trained to focus on others’ needs in a very immature way. To make them “happy”-not to serve their needs in a grown-up, responsible way. To give others what is right, and what is best for them instead of anything they want has been and still is a hard learning for me. Perhaps this is where all us overly compliant people come from.
This is so accurate. It's so hard to understand healthy boundaries and - by the time one does - decades have passed
My dad likes to hold a monologue about how I am just like his wonderful mum, who he says was such a kind person who did anything for anybody(I didn’t know her). It always made me feel uncomfortable, as his mum also died really young, and all the other stories are about how abused she was by her husband. I always want to add:”Was it because she also couldn’t find any other way to connect, other than serve?”
Its so strange that this only gets attention for survivors but there’s no great way to prevent the traumas that cause narcissism in the first place. The cleanup is such a mess.
CPS
@@SoulSeeker2025 as a kid I was afraid of the resources outside my home. I don’t know that they care like say normal parents with skin in the game. I was treated poorly by teachers and administrators at school for example.
I was raised by my single NPD mother from a very young age to believe it was my job to care of her because I owed her the debt that I can never repay. When I was sick as a kid, I had to fend for myself, she was not the mother that came or stayed home from work because her kid was sick. But when she got sick, I had to wait on her hand and foot. I couldn't go to college because it would be inconvenient to her, she would have to clean her own house and who would be there for her, she would have to do for herself. And who could she take her narc rage out on? Who could feel superior too? Who could she refer to as her maid, not her daughter but her maid. My mother destroyed my self-esteem (long sad story) to the point I was her puppet for all of my 20s. She was making 100K a year but I'm working 2 to 3 jobs to pay her bills, my bills and to try and save money. I literally couldn't ask my mother for a penny but I'm giving her 1000s of dollars, whole paychecks sometimes. I don't have kids and don't want them; I feel like I was parent from the age of 8. I finally broke free from her and want to sacrifice for myself for a change.
♥Love and courage to you.
The point about Narcissist parents thinking they already achieved a healthy relationship, but in reality have not gotten to the starting line rings true for me. That belief is why your parents will never understand anything you try to tell them about your views, needs, feelings or thoughts.
me too, 100% hit home
For an experiment I butted in every time she started to gossip and go on and on. I pretended I was very interested in planets and astronomy all of a sudden. I passionatly explained how various rocks are formed. then I ended the conversation and left. it was amazing because I didn't catch the usual anxiety. I hate hearing about all the extended family and their problems because it's only half true and it's their private business. I spoke long and loud then left. highly recommend.
God I relate to this so much. I know heavy secrets of my Aunts that my cousins don’t even know… it’s a heavy burden I didn’t want or ask for. It just got word-vomited before I knew what was coming. Bravo and well done for taking that approach!
I am WAY too other focused. I have known this, but what you said about being TRAINED to focus 100% on my parents’ needs-that so hits home!
♥Me too. Like nothing about the real me is interesting or acceptable at all. It’s horrible. I focus on my own kid not feeling this.
❤
Started healing 9 months ago. Age 56 😪
You are doing great, you can be proud of yourself! ❤
After 30 years I broke up with my father, after decades of mental terror. He has the emotional behavior of a 6 year old. Shortly after we broke up, he won the lottery. He can now play his toxic game and theatre to others, buying his image, but I know that these millions wont change anything inside of him: pure emptyness and running away in/from life will continue, until he dies. In the end they are the loser. This gives me peace
Six is generous! Mine is a two on a good day. Negative most of the time. I went no-contact and my life is so much nicer!
The worst part growing with a parent who had a personality disorder was taking on their emotional baggage you were their emotional support as well as their emotional punching bag. Basically as a kid I had to be the adult control my emotions not to upset my parent when they experienced their unpredictable severe mood swings. As I grew up I began to wonder why I was experiencing dissociative episodes the feeling of numbness & disconnected from life due to trauma bonding. When I entered my teens there were times that I came across as confused because of the traumas I experienced since early childhood.
I'm a recent subscriber. I'm really learning A LOT from your videos. Thank you 🙏😊
One thing I dealt with growing up in my toxic household is that there was no respect amongst anyone. ( Bio dad gone, alcoholic stepdad, me, a sister and a brother, I am the oldest). It wasn't enforced. My siblings treated me like crap. My mother, the head of the house and the narcissist, didn't enforce respect, treating each other with kindness, etc. We were triangulated. It seemed the others lacked empathy as well. There was no accountability for inappropriate actions. My childhood was about survival. I was always in fight or flight mode. I'm the peacemaker.
Being in constant fight or flight mode is so damaging to our health, especially for children 💔
Thank you! ☺️
I relate to this so much. In my family, there was no respect among anyone either. I only recently came to that conclusion after doing a lot of figuring stuff out.
There was no discussions of anything, no boundaries, no privacy, no dignity, no talking, no empathy....nothing of the sort in my family. We put on the perfect show for everyone, and I thought all this dysfunction was normal. But now the illusion is broken.
I pity my parents for being unable to work through their own trauma and I'm furious at them for dumping it on my brother and me.
I'm tired of surviving.
Digital hugs to you and my wishes that you are doing a lot better now.
@@spacegirl226 thank you so much 🥰🖐️
@@sarahpinho1114 yes, and I learned this later in life. No wonder why I feel exhausted! I've been listening to music @ night geared towards trauma therapy. Because I suffer from nightmares amongst other things. It's helping! There are so many choices of healing music 🎶🎶!
Yep. Not being an emotional toilet for my parent to dump in has been nice. No contact since 2013. Cognitive behavioral therapy helped me change my patterns and nail down my boundaries.
I am going to need a bidet the size of Texas, but I'm up for it.
@@jenniferthompson5060 🤣🤣🤣
Anyone else got accused of “pushing them away”?
I walked in on Mom monologuing to her drinking buddies at her favorite bar, "My son's a weirdo -- he likes to hang out in cemeteries!", and made herself to seem a victim of my machinations, when all I did was try to help her. I went home and asked my wife, "How many times has my mom singularly called on the phone, or visited, or written a letter to us, over the past 19 years?" After several minutes, she said, "She never has!" So, I told my wife what happened and said, "That's what I was thinking, since I left home for college she never has made the effort! I'm done! It's up to her now!"
She never did, but she did continue to play the victim, to lie through her teeth about anything and everything that had to do with her scapegoats. Her life was an absurd spectacle of narcissism.
Lolol me, that too when I was a child 😂
Oh my god!!!! Yes
The longest monologue the NM was timed at 3.5 hrs. We were stuck driving the Duluth. Pretended to be asleep to no avail.
Boy, do I need your help. Here I have been gaslit for so long, I thought it was my responsibility to help my 96 year old Father in his old age... Mom just died 2 years ago and my Father and narcissistic sister is all I have left.
It wasn't until two or three weeks ago I had a little bit of a spiritual awakening, and am beginning to see things, for the first time in My Life.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Thanks for watching
Good point that the communication is always one sided.
My mother once told me I was possessed by the devil because I disagreed with her
Bwhahahaha! Sorry I'm laughing but my mother told me the exact same thing. Then she proceeded to scream "Satan leave my child alone!"
O. M. G.
My mother used that line on me and my sisters, too.
My mother always questioned my "salvation" because I wanted to do simple things. I was raised in a very strict Fundamental church. Wearing jeans or listening to secular music meant you probably weren't a Christian. 😅
I got " You've got the Devil in you boy" for daring to express my own personality, opinion, correcting someone who was factually wrong, just for doing anything on my own at all, for daring to be myself. My mother screamed this at me for so much stuff. It's one of the things that is easiest for me to laugh at, funnily enough
So glad you spoke on this subject…I have parent that’s narcissistic and tries to throw guilt trip when i’m not always available to help. It’s nerve wracking.
Me too! it is relentless. I recently pushed back (going to right back) and he keeps emailing and trying to re-engage through doing stuff for my mother (whom I love and has dementia in a home), another form of guilt.
😂 That toothbrushing example. It's nice to find some levity in it all.
I realized how much hypothetical parasocial conversation I had in my head with my parents. And now I'm almost free
I learned this lesson when I finally divorced my narcissistic ex after learning about his years of financial deceit and infidelity, until this time I thought was loved and respected by his family. The moment I defined my boundaries they joined him in a vicious smear campaign and totally abandoned me. Initially I was very hurt, now with the support of a good therapist and the passage of time I take responsibility for my own needs and rather enjoy my rebel status.
You mentioned something in this video. Similar in the boundary videos. I have anticipatory anxiety for each next time my Mom or Brother test a boundary. (a sense of a for shortened future.) Im in school right now and it needs allot of focus. The anxiety is like... maybe if you -Jerry- were making a video. And at any time. You won't know when. Some one is going to jump out with air horn. Not only would you be frustrated that it happened. You would want to go for the rest of your life with it NEVER happening again. For me the "air horn" in this analogy is. "Hey, I know your in the middle of school but grandma would sure like you to visit for two weeks this month." The fact that the question for the 50th time even came out of their face has started to emotionally feel like I'm waiting to be mauled by a bear. Also I don't know if you touch on this as well. - Chronic under functioning as control. Including emotional under functioning. With parents but also in marriage. Wife in this case being. "I can't talk about this issue because I'm upset that you think there is an issue that needs talked about." " Lets talk about how much it bothers me that you want to talk." lol Thanks
This hits home. My life has always been on standby
It's why I have thrived in my emergency services job.
Being on call or on standby for emergencies because I was literally programmed from birth to respond to emergencies and drama
Thank God we got rid of my father in law in October 23 after 5 1/2 yrs of almost destroying our marriage!
Having him move in was the worst thing we could've done to ourselves!
You have been teaching me soo much. Thank you from the bottom of my ❤. Years of therapy didnt help but you do.
Thank you so much ❤️
I'm 55 and my father is 81. I'm not sure if he's a narcissist, but he's certainly demanding.
He's been responsible for 95% of my stress and unhappiness throughout my life, and on top of that, he always wants favours or work carried out by me.
Forty years of 'do this, do that' and I feel like I've never broken free.
How old must I be before I can have some peace, and live my life to my ideal modelling?
I am going through the same thing and have recently had an epiphany. I don't care what the fall out is. I am doing "me" from now on.
Why can't other therapists be this helpful? 🤔
Maybe they haven't lived through it?
Bingo. I tried seeking help as a teen and it was disastrous. The therapist kept telling me that I needed to "honor thy father and mother".@@wailnshred
Awareness & education about narcissistic abuse and Cluster B personality disorders in general is still kinda an issue unfortunately...Also some therapists just aren't that great at their job.And a handful are greedy narcissistic creeps that want to keep patients stuck so they keep coming back over & over for good business🤢.There are some good well informed therapists out there but you have to 👀 carefully to find them.
I think therapists largely just aren't educated on these things. Most of the specifialists I've seen on UA-cam went into it to deal with their own trauma so they actually know what it's like.
Yup, been in therapy for a while and I have been people pleasing and over functioning for a long time. Worked hard to get that out of my system. Thanks Jerry. 😊
Thank you ❤️😊
This is so on target as to what is going on in my life. It is very hard because I have lived this since I was a child but have only recently began to understand it for what it is. The bad thing is it just gets worse as the parent ages and becomes more dependent on us children. The parent has now driven a wedge between one of my siblings and is now working on driven a wedge between my other sibling. The demands are constant and the treatment is getting uglier. Some days I just want to walk away and never look back.
Do it. You deserve to enjoy your own life.
So true. It’s just incredible how all those narcistic parents act similarly.
Man, I read the comments and it makes me so sad. I am finally realizing my dad, who honestly has been my fucking hero, is a narcissist. I’m 38, and it’s crushing, but I still want to keep him in my life. The problem I keep seeing is that I’ll end up having to and fuck…I really don’t want to
0:11 🧠 Narcissistic parents prioritize their own needs over their children's, lacking empathy and self-soothing abilities.
2:05 🐒 Children of narcissistic parents may become "flying monkeys," tasked with fulfilling their parents' needs and mediating their problems with others.
3:52 🔄 Intergenerational trauma and low insight contribute to narcissistic parents' inability to understand healthy relationships and self-awareness.
5:59 😞 Children raised by narcissistic parents often ignore their own needs and focus solely on meeting the needs of others, leading to feelings of guilt and anxiety when prioritizing themselves.
8:06 📚 Understanding and addressing one's own needs requires a shift from "how" to "when" mindset, acknowledging the readiness to prioritize self-discovery and healing.
Thanks for watching! 🙏
@@jerrywise Thank you for your very enlightening videos.
Once my eyes became open to the x narc husband, God begin to allow me to see why i was ok being married to such a person... my father. He was abusive to my 2 older brothers, abusive to my narc older sister, and i was pinned as the scapegoat by my sister. I grew up being abused my my older sister so when the x husband started abusing me slowly, it seemed normal. 11 yrs later i filed divorce and God allowed me to see my mother is an enabler, my father tells me ur my favorite child, i dont respond. Once i saw truth, and told my dad i couldn't do a particular thing for him and my mother, ive not heard from them since. Im ok with that, Ive got a father in heaven who loves me, a father in heaven who has made it all ok to now take care of me and be the parent i need to be.
♥
They are upset because I am working towards moving out. They are portraying sad characters. If anything, they are sad I will no longer be here to dump their inner tension on. My gc sister is crying because she cannot drive or be left alone. These people should of thought of this before abusing, gaslighting, giving silent treatment and excluding me from things. Me leaving is self explanatory yet they are playing a victim role. This is exhausting.
You’ll be free soon! Hang in there! You will make it out!
Mr. Wise, you are 100% correct in how the narcissistic parent is.
I cut my ENTIRE maternal family off, no contact, for three years now due to the family flying monkeys and triangulations my mother manipulated.
It was hard, but I’m free, happy, healthy and have met my soul-family; I now know what healthy love is supposed to be like 🙌🏾❤️🙏.
❤️
2:05 I was my dad's Flying Monkey 🐒 He always called on me to listen to him complain about how others wronged him. I was 5 years old when this started & lasted until I left the house at 17. It's exhausting listening to a man in his 40's complain to a child about how hard _his_ life is 🫠
This
Monological conversations. That's such an appropriate term. I'm not a big talker unless I'm really comfortable with someone. A lot of it stems from being silenced or being talked over by my mother and my father to some extent.. They where big on controlling the narrative about everything. They were always right and what we thought didn't matter..You will just have to do as they say and deal with it...
It's taken me years to learn how to assert myself and believe that my thoughts and opinions are as valid as anyone elses. I still struggle but I'm so glad that I can finally unpack years of disfunction threw these videos..
Jerry, your info is gold and you are a very sweet legend
I appreciate that!
I felt like you were describing my exact life in this video! I was raised to be my mother's future carer and now I am moving to another town she has made me feel like a terrible daughter and selfish and wrong and so guilty i can't even eat food cos I'm too anxious... it took me a long time to admit my mother is probably a narcissist because I was always defending her since she had a bad childhood...
Thank you for this video.
The biggest issue i had when i decided to go 'no contact' with my family member is that the rest of the family would say i'm being selfish for going 'no contact' and that I "SHOULD" stay in contact with them because they family and its the right thing to do.
In past years, i would give into this and get caught in the cycle and the same pattern over and over and get hurt everytime. Until I said NO, I'm putting myself first.
I feel like I’ve over corrected. I went low contact to determine what my needs even are and now I cannot tolerate any adult behaving like a child in any capacity. Burnout maybe. I hope everyone struggling knows you are not alone and you are not anyone’s servant.
Self-care things that help me and my siblings: yoga/meditation/prayer, regular eating and sleeping habits, essential oils, baths, gentle exercise (like walking/biking, a sort of relaxing exercise, better if it’s outdoors), eating healthy foods (lots whole fruits and vegetables), learning to play and have fun (it helps if you have kids to do this with)
Jerry wise is a godsend
Thank you sir
I take no responsibility for their needs. For some reason, neither of them are getting it through their heads. There was little to no concern after the issues caused to me due to their bad decisions.
Imagine having someone still lurking on you, after you've cut contact.
You can't live vicariously through your kids.
Personally, I am sane and stable. The other issues caused are not psychological. It's been an almost psychotic sort of stalking, utilizing other people, my siblings, etc.
No contact means no contact. Not contact through someone else.
This means I don't want to see or hear from again, nor do I want anyone talking to them attempting to contact me or attempt to phish for info.
So thankful to be able to de-program all that junk 🙏
My narcissist father tells me the most fantastical lies that are so easily disseminated, then he will change the story only a short time later to another narrative completely , it's so exhausting . As many have said before the best thing to do is to go no contact .
This is the first I'm even considering that my father is narcissistic. Looking back on a recent conversation, he actually felt that when I married (after college) and moved away, began a family etc that I should have moved back home (or to the area he's in) and that I wasn't loyal to the family because I had moved away and started my own life! And now in his elder years, there is this underlying guilt trip that I should carry on with my own life, but what an awful person I'd be if I did! It's just sick....and has kept me completely 'tied' all these years.
What a wonderful message. Thank you for all you do, Jerry. 💕
Thanks for listening!🥰
Oh my GOD this is so painfully enlightening and helpful ❤
I’m so glad!
This was so true about feeling awkward pursuing my own needs. My parents made me play several musical instruments growing up even though I clearly wasn't very interested and they used to tell everyone I was a musician. And then as soon as I turned 18 I left home and dropped it all. It felt really strange and awkward pursuing my own interests independently. There was a lot of guilt there too as my mum kept saying how disappointed she was.
I disagree that narcissists are suffering with their condition. Having been married to a diagnosed narcissist the only suffering they experience is when you're not acting like their slave.
I agree. And themselves.
My mom 💯
This is my mother..completely. My father can tend to this really easy.
My mother has no excuse b/c her parents raised me, and my father was abused..yet not an excuse for the horrid abuse has done to me.
It's painful..
My mom definitely used the environment to keep me supporting her. She was careful to only badtalk me when i had my autistic meltdowns and expressed my own needs. Our conversations were monologues 99% of the time. Even if i replied, it was manipulated into being confirmation of her.
The intergenerational trauma thing... Its absolutely it. She acted like she was already past what she went through, up until i expressed similar needs or she got triggered. Then she had no idea how to deal with it other than to act out and blame me.
Im trying to learn to prioritize my own needs. Getting out of the fawn response is my main focus right now. Trying to learn how i was wrongly programmed so i know where to fix it. Im trying so much. But it is depressing learning as an adult that the parent you practically worshipped until you had to flee for your life never actually cared about you. Im just glad i had a good man by my side to protect me and to support me so we could find a life on our own.
I think the first thing i deprogrammed was the anxiety and shame and guilt of feeling like i abandoned her to homelessness. It turned into anger as i realized that i never should have been responsible for that and that she put herself in that position on purpose. I ended up starting to care about her as much as she did for me - which was nothing. I cant remember a single moment of my life where i feel like she showed unconditional love. There was always conditions.
I needed a self care reminder! This was great ❤
I'm so glad!
This describes how I grew up! I’m wondering. After my parents , and friends have now passed, I ruminating and empathise with what they suffered before they passed and thinking if only I could have helped more, done more, so this grief I am trying to come to terms with.
program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Thank you, it popped into my feed just on the same day my mother tried to self-invite to spend the winter.
WOW!!!!! EXACTLY!!!! Explained what I couldn't explain and have lived through. I gain peace, clarity, a piece of myself and relief through this and your other videos. SO HELPFUL!!!!!
Dad wasn't there for me, I won't be there for him!
Aww my gosh. This is so true
My mother has been dead for four years & l am only now coming to grips with the fact that l think she was a narcissist, exposing herself more as she got older. Jerry everything you say (mostly) l can relate to her. I could go on for hours. It hits you like a ton of bricks when you think back over the years.
On point
Such a great video Jerry.. I know I will be working on this the rest of my life but I loved your tooth brushing analogy! So true it can really be that crazy !! Put more of a perspective on how I still look out for others needs over mine! But I am doing much better than where I started before meeting you. I have been so blessed to have been your client! God Bless you Jerry!
Glad it was helpful! Thank you so much ❤️
Your presentation topic is one of the many reasons that I relocated back to Tennessee. I was back home in Maryland an entire day before I could tell what being back home would be like.
Long story short, between approximately 10:00 a.m and 2:30 p.m., my first day back, my mother called 5 times. Wanting nothing of any importance. By the 5th call, I was highly irritated but didn't indicate it on the phone because it would have been an argument.
I said, "Yes, mam?"
Her response, "Oh, I didn't want nothing", and then chuckled.
I thought, "Then why did you call?"🤨
Of course, I knew why: She was setting a precedent.
Last just say that I didn't stay in touch with her, and by the time I relocated back to Tennessee, I hadn't spoken or saw her in 1.5 years. It will be 5 years this April.
I want no contact.
Exactly... these videos are great...learning such alot so thank you
Happy to hear that! Thanks for watching ❤️
Either you are getting better at teaching or Iam finally figuring some things out. Really appreciate your videos.
This is so difficult.
Great to hear!
Wished I knew about this mental illness much sooner. I'm 65. Both of my parents. (and I use the term parents very loosely), were quite horrid. I was pretty much blamed for everything in their life, it was my fault. I was little, I didn't understand what was going on. My father's parents ended up raising me because of the hate for me.
Years later, when they both ended up having Alzheimer's, they had no wills, trusts, medical POA"s. nothing. I ended up becoming a guardian for both and ending up being in dept for their bills, nursing home, everything. I'm in poverty now, so they got the last laugh in. Pretty bad.
The system seems to be like this as well
You are describing my neighbors' behavior towards her children. She definitely, needs your help, and there is no talking to her, and I unfortunately, have witnessed this, She also extends that behavior to the neighbors around her.