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Finding possible root causes, leading to a bit of mental exhaustion
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- Опубліковано 18 тра 2024
- So I have been carrying a couple of things for a very long time, and a chat with the counsellor started to peal things back and highlight how they could be part of the root to some of my sticking points. However when trying to discuss them with family, I get a lot more than I bargained for
#adam #lifeat30 #lifeat35 #
The family scapegoat can never win. Once I accepted that I was free to move on in a funny kind of way.
There’s nothing worse than feeling alone/isolated in your own family, eh? Especially when you’re vulnerable/need support. It makes a shitty situation even worse. What’s more is when you and your family members are just SUCH different people (generational/cultural differences, differences in personality/values, etc).
I actually had a fight earlier today with my boomer, immigrant, emotionally-absent, blue-collar father about how he thinks I’m pathetic for being in my situation (almost 30, living at home, struggling to find real work, making fun of my degree, etc). He points these things out as if I’m not already well aware and deeply insecure about them… instead of offering guidance, he criticizes/degrades… and then he wonders why his adult children don’t wanna talk to him lol.
When your own family causes you undue stress/degrades you/gaslights you/whatever else, it’s hard NOT to feel resentment towards them.
As always, thank you for sharing, Adam. Your stories are meaningful and they demonstrate how introspective and self-aware you are.
PS: you are your own person-nobody can take that away from you.
In my opinion is that you can't talk deep with most, and that goes for family too, it will make you very exhausted and irritated inside since it is so often just all wasted effort. The reason for this is that most people often have not been in the places that you have or gathered/experienced the feelings. People that tells me "what is the problem? I don't get it", when I telling them something I am struggling with, is the abolutely worst people. It all makes me feel smaller and more useless than I was before the convo.
It's a perfectly normal thing to remember the most random things that are very important for you in the moment. I just don't understand why other people find that a weird thing. I mean I remember the most random moments that have huge impact on me. sometimes I tell people, and they just reply with 'why do you remember something so small and unimportant and take it so serieus'. they then tell me to forget the past and move on. I just hate it when people tell me that.
Its so true, from my experience its the things that hit on some emotional level that are the things which stick, if it hasn't left an impact on my emotions in a big way I dont really recall things, having said that, I know there are alps times when something is too big emotionally, and the brain kicks in to this protective place where it just pushes it so far down that consciously at least, its gone from thoughts
Typical response for British is to ignore the speaker and immediately react and defend one-selves problems. There is no reason to get angry in deep conversations. Anger is a result of not accepting your faults and not listening to the person you are speaking with.
Best thing I find is to never fight back with anger.
Hope you can get your on place soon Adam
From experience, it is confusing, shocking and devastating to know that members of the people closest, harbour those kind of feelings. I realise that it was a refusal to not being manipulated, the refusal to not accept their view of who they believe I am, for me having boundaries and sticking to them. In short, to not have them break my spirit. Accepting that they will not change and that I could never have a truthful, healing conversation, although sad, was ironically a step towards healing. I also realised, that family does not need to be of blood relation, that love and support can be found anywhere 👍
Well said. 🙂Family is sharing the same values and etiquette. Mutual respect, looking out for one another. ❤
Great video Adam, and no easy thing to do sharing personal family issues etc. I'm no therapist etc. but what struck me was how your Brother went straight on the attack to the point even trying to make you perhaps question your sanity etc. Really not nice and in my opinion shows a total lack of respect, let alone not even trying to take time out to help out not only another family member, but his very own Brother... If I am honest I have to question where his mind-set stems from and I can't help but think your mum may have bolstered your brother's self-esteem at the cost of yours, and if so perhaps it is something you have had to put up with to the point you perhaps aren't even consciously aware of it any more, and if so I would have to question at what age were you when this all happened, assuming it's a time you can even remember.
What is clear to me in your videos is you are very thoughtful and understanding towards the plight of others, and quite possibly because you have been on the receiving end of many situations yourself and as such you can directly relate to how situations and influences impact others. To be on the receiving end of pointing fingers etc. is to be a victim and shame on parents and primary care givers when that can be traced directly back to their failings.
In the case of toxic situations/people etc. some are fortunate in that they can create healthy boundaries around them and instead form associations around those who are positive instead, but of course not everyone is that lucky and someone with a "battered" self-esteem may very well struggle in forming new associations with peers etc. in school onwards. The failings aren't yours Adam, but there is perhaps a need for conscious awareness that perhaps some of your family are just toxic and rather than forever trying to build bridges which get attacked and ripped down it is time to widen and deepen connections with those who are decent people on your wave length etc.
Here's the thing Adam you have emotional intelligence, you are a people person, you listen and you care about others. These are unique strengths and talents on their own. Perhaps turning things around rather than see yourself as the problem, or something that needs fixing, consider connecting with those who need emotional support, encouragement etc. you may find you will flourish in areas you never thought possible before. Talent and skills aren't all the practical. What is much more meaningful is the ability to be that difference to other people's day to the point of even being that life changing difference. I know you can do it and the caring industry is crying out for genuine caring people like you Adam. Perhaps something to give serious thought to and what is there to lose against perhaps so much more to gain instead. Sending much love and respect your way Brother. ❤❤
Thanks John, as always I think you are quite on the money with a few things. Regards the self esteem, that is something I'm not sure I've had much of , as for why/when it went 🤷🏼♂️ its all I remember that way I have been.
As for using who I am, those non practical skills, I am not entirely sure which direction I would take, likewise, I have looked towards one area, but on reflection I feel that I would end up exhausted through trying to help, it feels like a situation of trying to pour from am empty cup as they say
@@Add- You know us males need to feel we are achieving on what matters to us, otherwise we can be in effect starved of nourishment to our Soul. For those males who have a significant other, just being in that relationship coupled with making a valid contribution to their well-being can be enough to sky rocket one's self-esteem, especially if that significant other is deemed as being out of their league so to speak. Thing is Adam you have so much to give a lady in terms of both material security and stability, but above that emotional stability and security. There are so many women out there just waiting to be noticed to be given a bit of care and attention and validation through acceptance of who they are as a person, their accomplishments against the most challenging of circumstances and being attuned to their wants and needs and being that missing piece to their jigsaw. All those women who put up with all manner of abusive relationships because they fear that is all they can accomplish and are worthy of. Adam this World is crying out for quality men with decency and integrity such as yourself. Challenged with our internalised thoughts can be all the distraction from seeing our true worth and opening our eyes further to life's opportunities that might otherwise pass us by. Personally I would encourage you to become self-aware of your qualities, those qualities some of your family members are sadly lacking. I would personally encourage you to cut the chains of oppression and seek all that you are worthy of. Hope this has been of some help to you my friend. Love, peace and respect to you. ❤
I think the part where you realised that they are trying to get revenge on you is important. It just sticks out as something you should look into. I’m glad your therapy and self-discovery are yielding insight Adam. It’s been so inspiring watching your progress.
Spot on. I always looking forward to a new upload, eventho it is powerful topics and sometimes I can relate.
Some prior causes will keeping creeping up to the present moment to distract you and those are the hardest to let flow past the mind.
One of my biggest moments I remember is wanting this Bat Man ps1 game that was full price and I kept on at my dad to get it for me, he did and it was £50 back then and as soon as I played it I realised it was a terrible game and immediately felt bad that he spent all that money. This turned out to be a good outcome as it taught me to appreciate others efforts more and how they worked hard for money
You can’t reason neither expect empathy with people who are emotionally immature. Unfortunately I think your brother falls into this category. Honestly I doubt that it will bring you anything to try to talk to him about past things, unless he is also ready to work on himself. Like John mentions above, it might be time to find other people you can talk to, and they most probably will not be family 💟
I needed to hear that, my ex is very emotionally immature and it’s really hard trying to get any kind of resolution or answers and it hurts even more knowing I may never get one.
It’s very strange just how similar our situations are and I resonate with what you say and talk about a lot, I’m the youngest of 4 and live at home with my dad, my mum passed away coming up to a year tomorrow & I could’ve moved out with a friend and lived my life after being a hermit for the past 8 years but I decided to stay with my dad and grieve with him & help with rent and stuff, now have no money and trapped, I wish I did move out instead, being trapped in an environment that isn’t truly yours and with someone who is your elder you’ll never fully feel like you can do your own thing and be yourself especially living under your father as man.
The dynamic you have with your brother reminds me of my own. I also have an older brother and it’s always felt like if anything goes wrong, it’s my fault. It’s very difficult when you (rightly so) need your family on your side. I personally wonder if my brother is very young, in terms of emotional maturity. Anyway, good luck Adam - don’t be too hard on yourself!
God bless you, Adam.
You seem perfectly normal. You might just be in a house of warped perception.
Some mother do 've them... lol.
As others have resonated it sounds like your home environment is quite a narcissistic and toxic one, which thrives on the slightest bit of negativity. I guess in every family there will always be a degree of sibling rivalry for one reason or another, whether its justified or not.
i feel like your family has a lot of toxic traits, i think your intuition of just getting away from that is completely right, and maybe a complete shift of your life (or at least your location) could change how you feel.
idk if it has to be getting away from society but still lol.
Mate screw those people, family is not blood related, family is who you choose for your inner circle the people that will not love you unconditionally but will support you and be there for you when you need it the most. Unconditional love is not love. Conditional love and respect, because if you cross boundaries that I deem unforgivable you should know that you are gonna lose support , love and respect.
Mate, you are a good human a good person and I’m glad to follow you now for what seems like a long time in UA-cam time 😅 but we are like distant cousins and you should rely more on your UA-cam support family the dysfunctional family that it is, but it’s our family and we choose it 💪🏻
Stay strong, knowing that you are not alone, I feel the same way and we are many other those that do and also crave the kind of support and uplifting words and messages that can make your day going from sad to glad from” I don’t want more days like this” to “ today was a good day. I want more days like this.”
😀
ADAM I"M BACK
who are you? Luke Skywalker?
Does your brother live with you?
Conclusion...
Ur a bad Son... LOL...
Poor good old Dad.