I'm a safe person and frankly, I'm tired of dealing with people who aren't. I don't have time or energy to try to deal with people who don't really want to get along, who don't want to communicate and work things out. Life is too short for me to keep being the only one trying. I need to learn to stop apologizing when I haven't even done anything wrong. That's my task.
traits of a safe person: 1) approachable, especially in disagreements 2) want/like to learn from their mistakes 3) they are transparent (what you see is what you get-authenticity) 4) genuinely like to connect 5) they affirm and encourage (not a critic) 6) a generally agreeable manner (disagree agreeable- respectful, loving) 7) manage anger cleanly (talk about it with dignity maintained) 8) they’re reliable, can count on them (responsible) would you be considered a safe person?
Want to just clarify... if you are living with a covert narc who doesn't stop taunting you UNTIL YOU BLOW UP, this is NOT you "not managing your anger." We can control our anger around others, try to be kind and then reasonable with the narc... but they purposely become so infuriating because they are manipulating you (with gaslighting, with antagonism, etc.) to get that very response so they can play the victim. Everyone has a breaking point and malignant narcs are expert in pushing your buttons until they get that response. People sometimes call this "reactive abuse" but I don't see it as "abuse" at all. it is normal. The only thing you can do to prevent this is GET AWAY FROM THE NARC.
Being a safe person has positioned me in some very unsafe situations - with people who only befriended me to take advantage of my kindness and generosity. I have become cynical and un-trusting, which is alright by me. I now take my time to get to know people before I open myself to them. If they are safe people they will understand that time is what it takes! If they aren't willing to wait, that is their loss.
chinookvalley I am the same! I am unwilling to deal with other people's baggage and bullshit anymore. I don't have room for it in my mind, heart, or life. I believe that you are right, that it does take time to get to know a person, before you can know for sure if they are safe or not. Most people present such a fascade, and can keep it going for quite some time, sometimes even for years!
Me, too! I was RAISED by an unsafe person & always believed I was “the crazy one” because, even at a very tender age, I questioned “why”? (Help me understand.) I am an ENFP. I used to think I WAS crazy and had a big LOSER or SUCKER sign across my forehead. Unsafe people are drawn to me like flies! I SO needed affirmation and mistakingly thought they genuinely liked me. I was CRUSHED when I had opened up to them, nurtured them, loved them and, in a turn of a hat, for any reason, comes the daggers in the heart. Even worse, I’m totally ignored, as if I don’t even exist. YES, I have trust issues. And with good reason. I’m still my authentic self, but I do not invest myself emotionally or trust anyone, even after years of thinking I know them. Those I LOVE spending time with, I provide my own transportation, in case I need to leave, I totally enjoy their presence, I come home and savor the day and I move on. I set a firm boundary around my heart, because, at any time, their will be an emotional attack that devastates me for days. “Do not share your pearls among swine, lest they drop them and trample on them”. Don’t share your very self Amun’s people that will stomp on you. I’m far from “there”, but Dr Carter opened my eyes 30 years ago, when I brought my son to him for ADHD evaluation. In the course of conversation, Dr Carter said “It’s not our job to think for our children. It’s our job to teach our children to think for themselves.” I instantly wept, uncontrollably. This started my road to recovery. It’s a long road! Thank You, Dr Carter! ~M~
Good grief, I feel this. My best friend from third grade to two years after high school was the type to take advantage of my kindness. I was a shy kid, and he was the first to show interest in me on the playground. Things started well, but that wouldn't last. I came to feel sorry for him, especially later on, as I was one of his only friends. He'd driven the rest away. He had a lying problem, near constantly. One time, he'd made up this elaborate story of how he was a masked, notorious vigilante in some MMO. It wasn't his first fib, and this sounded fishy, so I looked into it. He lied. I called him out, and he admitted that he'd made up the story to appear more interesting to me. He would keep embellishing things as long as I knew him. The MMO incident was about halfway through our time. There were times when I enjoyed his company, especially early on, but as time passed those feelings were replaced by feeling drained and used. I was just somebody he could use to stroke his own ego. My thoughts became less and less important to him, and I eventually washed my hands of him. By that point, I had long lost count of how many last chances I'd given him. He was the first, but he wasn't the last "friend" I had. I wasn't so forgiving with those who followed. I still like to connect with people and help when I can (it makes me feel like my continued existence means something), but there's definitely barriers erected. They'll come down in time, but they do so when I'm certain that I feel safe in that person's presence. Even then, I find myself being pessimistic and overly suspicious of people. I've never been in a violent confrontation, but I never leave my room or house without something I can use to defend myself with, even if it's just my keys. I got a lesson early on in the concept of a fake smile and have seen my fair share. Leave it to my paranoia to jump to the worst possible outcome of such a thing. I didn't originally intend to write that much, so I want to thank everyone who read it. I think I needed to get that off my chest.
Based on this criteria, I think I'm okay. I'm a little stronger or safer in some areas than others but, overall, I think I pass the test and I know where I can use some improvement.
Thinking about the people who I've chosen to be in my life (as opposed to some I'm kinda stuck with through blood or work), I've finally selected well. (Better late than never! ) They may be few but they are all quality, safe people.
I love these summaries - they provide great touchstones! Speaking of boundaries, I know it sounds funny, but as a child of an NPD, most of my life was spent just responding. As an adult, I had to learn how to schedule out my plans for the week/weekend first and then learn to respect them as an adult, without feeling guilty. It's such a simple thing, but I find I still have trouble with committing to too much for other people and not making sure I've taken care of my needs first. It's an ongoing challenge I have to keep fresh in the mind.
I struggled with this also. It is very common for children of NPD parents to become "people pleasers", often to their detriment. We are still unconsciously trying to please the parents we could never please, to garner acceptance from those who would not accept as as individuals and not extensions of themselves. I was nearly 50 before I learned to say no to unreasonable expectations and to enforce boundaries.
I went to a therapist to learn to say no without guilt thirty years ago, it was incredibly helpful. I wish I’d known more about these negative personality types back when I was younger and been able to set more boundaries with family members then. With the exception of my two older sisters I have disconnected with two brothers and sisters. I couldn’t take the lying, manipulations and misogyny, it’s too bad but is also a huge relief not to have all that negativity in my life.
Ha Ha. It seems odd now, that we have to “ schedule time “ to care about ourselves because as children we weren’t allowed to. My sympathy and congratulations for making it to this new self care level💪, ( and because it was necessary to make a conscious choice to achieve it.)
This came at a perfect time for me! Thank you for all your videos. I want to be a good person, but, not a doormat. You help me see my roll in an unhealthy relationship. I have options.
Teresa Riley Yes, this has been huge for me the past couple of years! I am finding that I can been kind and empathetic, and compassionate towards others, but this does not require me to be a doormat! A lot of times those unsafe people out there see someone who is kind, and they mistakenly believe that they can go right ahead and take advantage of me. Thankfully I have learned (through much practice) how to stop their abusive behavior by simply not engaging with them in it. It's funny to see how confused they get when I don't fall into their little evil traps!! 😁
@@christinelamb1167 , Ha-ha, It is funny to watch. One like that I was friends with (not a romantic partner) was working an elaborate scheme over time, a scheme that he decided I would play a part in. I watched it develop, waiting to see what his next move would be. I didn't indicate that I knew what he was trying to pull. I knew I'd eventually have to do or say something when the noose began to grow tighter, and it did. When that moment came, I diverted the whole scheme down another pathway, and you should have seen the confusion in his face. He began to run his hands through his hair, and was making noises like "huh, ummm....huh." After a long awkward silence, he said, "Uh, ....interesting." And we were both quiet as I just stared at him. It was weird and uncomfortable, but it had to be done. It wasn't mentioned by either of us again, but I knew I was going to start pulling away, and after knowing him for several years, I eventually just stopped returning his calls. It just makes you wonder if they know how wrong it is to exploit kindness in others. Good that you are taking care of yourself!
@@notagain779 Ha ha! Yes, it sounds similar to some relationships/people I've been in/encountered. Like you said, it is an awkward moment, but it needs to be done. Otherwise, they don't know when to stop! I think they absolutely know that it is wrong to exploit the kindness of others, but they just don't care. This is what makes them unsafe. Good for you, too, for taking care of yourself in this relationship. It is sometimes sad to have to let a relationship go, but the trade off is just too costly to continue.
@@christinelamb1167, Yes, you're right - the trade off is much too costly to continue. Now that I remember back, he did mention that he thought he was clever, and knew how to "get things done." Also mentioned people "giving me the permission to continue." I guess you're right that they know it's wrong and don't care - no doubt it's some kind of ego boost compulsion that's too delicious for them to resist. They also seem to know that since you're a nice person, you're not likely to do anything to punish them once you figure them out.
Gus says "Here he goes talking at that funny box thing again. Doesn't he know it's not real?! I'm a much better person to talk to! I'm worried about him. I'm determined to keep my eyes open this time to make sure nothing else that's strange happens!" ☺🐶 Love your work, thanks! Theresa
Unsafe people, especially when they are a mate, do so much damage that it can change your DNA. Unsafe people are narcissistic. For me, even though I have been away from my ex husband for almost 20 years and I still fear his judgement and what his hatred might move him to do to me and his daughter. Thank goodness for my SUPER safe parents.
I am so thankful I found your videos. I have been surrounded by narcissists all my life--my mother, sister, friends and my ex-husband. I have lost most of them by divorce, death and ghosting. Three years ago I moved away from my sister to spend time with my Dad. Since then I have been trying to figure out who I actually am instead of who they said I was and then I found your videos and they have been so very helpful. My journey continues but at least I have found a way to forgive myself for allowing them to do this to me. I thank you.
yes I love being in my home where it is safe with my good husband of 29 years, I also like to talk to some of my safe friends and I like to eat my safe foods and not a lot of high calorie foods. I lost 30 lbs when I learned to let go of narc people. Yes when you are with a narc it is never safe, you always have to be on guard and ready to set a boundry and take care of yourself. I am learning, your videos have helped so much especially that one Listening to your emotional pain, that woke me up. Thank you Dr C.
Thank you so much for clarifying what a safe person looks like. My husband is and has been an “ unsafe” person . All he does and has done is to be very critical and very much a score keeper. My husband hit all six of those traits dead on. I am so thankful I have discovered you, Dr. C. I watch your videos daily, sometimes I watch 3 or 4 a day. Thank you so much for sharing all of your wisdom and knowledge with all of us out here. I am more than grateful for you and Gus!!! I love your sense of humor also ; I laugh out loud a lot of times at the things you say because these are things I have lived and or am living in with my husband. Thank you!!!!!!
It depends; sometimes I am a safe person but other times I am an unsafe person. There are people that I deliberately keep at an arms length. Not because I am upset or angry with them but because some of their characteristics are unsafe for me, so I put invisible barriers between us. However, if I let you close to me, you can be sure I have your back. I will fight for you, I will support you and be there for you. I hope I’m making sense.
I can tell that you are a calm, safe and consistent person by the way that Gus is chillin' in the background, Dr. C. Dogs, many times take on their owner's personality traits. These videos are so helpful. I'm glad I stumbled (or rather the algorithm stumbled for me) onto your channel. Thank you.
Dr.Carter: You have nailed it again. Your home is your safe place. I have made this my number one priority for many years now....shelter from the storm. I have never heard of a certain kind of individual being described as a "safe person". Remarkable terminolgy. Thank you! God Bless.
Listening to this cries out two significant males in my life, unsafe. I thought that I was an unsafe person because people have been running away from me, just the strong ones staying, but after listening to this, I think I'm actually a safe person. I lash out sometimes, in my struggle against drowning, and in my anger and fear, but I don't want anyone to feel unsafe around me. Just gotta remember who I am maybe.
Dignity & reliability are key. Healthy living is important for body & mental stability. Being the only healthy person in a relationship is taxing at best.....but still, my faith, being true to myself, boundaries, & all the lessons learned from Dr C help create a safe place for me to fall. I’m in control of my life! Hi to Gus!
I've definitely always been an unsafe person, but with the help of some great Drs and therapists I'm able to understand why and how to change. You are great at making things clear and understandable. Thank you!
Is it fair to say our attitudes and biases are programmed. How wonderful to know then that with good guidance we can damage limitation and know a better alternative. This education should go out to parents before their children are born and in partnership with the educators there on. Thank you for your straightforward information Dr. Carter. We don’t realise our worth but you remind us that we are worthy.
Helpful video. Thank you. Being from a dysfunctional family full of unsafe people videos like this help. No one is perfect, right. I think that I am a safe person but I have so much anger due to all the bullying and abuse that has come my way, that when I get angry, sometimes it is extremely intense (the emotional charge along with the emotional energy is huge). Some people (codependents, people pleasers, etc. ) swallow their anger and resentment (I used to do that), which also causes problems - problems sleeping, headaches, migranes, back pain and other psychosomatic problems; some say it can even lead to autoimmune disease. Picking safe people is so important. The challenge is first finding those safe people and not turning them off with dysfunctional behavior.
Thanks Dr. Carter. I've unfortunately been connected to two narcissists, but that doesn't absolve me from continuing to work on myself. Your videos have been a big help.
Gus in no ordinary dog... I assert, in an agreeable mode of enquiry, that he is actually the therapist and you are translating for him... Just a joke...😃 Another to the 'Heart of the Matter' video by you sir, DRC indeed!
you erminded me of that dog that listens to gramophone, HMV His Master's Voice, i always understood what it represented, hearing the voice of love, affection, honesty and the dalm and serenity it allowed, the original over the years i created my own problems now i see i was not my own safe person all is well now, so gggooooodddd
You are amazing. Thank you for your incredible service to the world, Dr. Carter. When counselling is not possible, because the other person wishes to use counseling as a weapon, the hope is that your videos will help said individual to realise that how they are behaving is destructive. Also, incredibly, you again help the true victim to remain CENTRED. Bless you. I would never wish for my daughter to come across a narcissist in her life.
Excellent content. I don’t usually comment, because I don’t know who might ultimately read it. But I need to say thank you. All your videos have been a great help to me. This one is among the best. My home has been and will always be a safe harbor for my family. I am generally a safe person. And thanks to you, my eyes are open to the root of certain behavior. Knowledge gleaned from you has made all the difference in dealing with it. I am grateful.
I like your definition of safe people, Dr Carter. I have valued honesty and humble sincerity, and now see that those people have safe qualities. I look forward to your teaching about personal boundaries as I've trusted unsafe people to my detriment and am practising new skills now that I know that some people harm others on purpose - even a mother can try to destroy her own child. I had assumed that mothers naturally love their children.
I am grateful to be a safe person. Yet sad that unsafe people seem to flock to me. I don't allow many people in my life because I have had much trauma dealing with unsafe people. Yet I am sure grateful that I am a safe person.
Wow....this was wonderful! If you have every wondered if your videos are helping people-they truly are. I heard the word "Narcissist" for the first time in August of 2018. I have listened to you regularly every since. I only dreamed of having peace and being comfortable in my own skin. Now, having the understanding that I do, I am actually living and enjoying life again. Thank you for the work that you are doing. I do really appreciate it!
Thanks, we like being with you too! Taking notes on that message. Now that things have changed and we're doing much better in our relationship we talk about stuff. It's two-way now! So I'll be lightheartedly sharing my notes with him. We're both growing and changing, but the best part is there is no more abuse!! Thanks Dr C.
Love your videos..Helping So Many deal with this Trauma is a Great thing...even i have learned a few things, for which i profoundly Thank You, & had many other things i instinctively felt and/or done, in the presence of these abusers, validated. ...my trials by fire with them began at age 2 & continued until their demise...they Hated that they could not break me...and their wrath caused a lot of anguish via flying monkeys...but..now...they are all gone...& i am still standing...still smiling at dew drops sparkling in the morning sun..picking flowers, talking to animals, finding Joy..Every day, in the Simple Wondrous Miracle things that they could never see .. When i meet new ones, as we certainly will in this society..i don't waste time with them, because i don't have to...they Always mistake my kindness for weakness..when they begin their sthcik i simply look down & this emboldens them..then when they deliver their 'kill shot' hook, i suddenly lift my eyes to theirs, smile, & say: "i have been abused by Masters & they Failed to break me..You...are an Amateur compared to them..so...shoo..be on your way....buh bye" ......this simple sentence stuns them into mute silence and they literally can not run away fast enough..Truth is a Powerful weapon when they are deathly Allergic to it
I am 4 out of 8 as a safe person, need to change and grow more in order to be a fully safe person. My main thing is--it's hard for me to bring down those walls but I also love to connect with others especially my friends and my sister. Thanks, Dr. C! I always love to learn from your contents. :)
I think the more safe you are out in the world, the more you will find people like that. The problem is, that we have been conditioned to think this behavior isn't normal, there fore we keep seeking people who reinforce old, familiar, dysfunctional, patterns.
In a bad relationship it's easy to focus on the other person's big controlling ways, like not letting you speak or yelling at you, and not notice our own "smaller" control faults like a strong tone of voice or being a bit late. Another helpful and encouraging video, thank you, Dr Carter.
Safe as a hungry sabre tooth tiger with heart ache, hunger and menopause. And I just get to be cold slated on the road by a predicament like that in the making. .No, not even remotely part of the backdrop story. The joys of what happens down the road might seem just like random kaotics as we fare with the narcissist/disordered. But now I know in wisdom, I was at fault for lack of awareness. Humble people must humble and reinforce values, that they are the full load of bread. Knowing limitations should never cut them short, or their slices too thin in a figuration of words. Thanking this channel for the mighty good insights and the tenacity of attitude to get up and go, brilliant as it seems from wherever we left off. Is life just one great mystery we are constantly em'barking' upon? Bloody oath, in any case if delusion I trust my love for it as a means of survival., safe, safety, protecting and nurturing, kindness in a moderately unsselfish way, the base conditions of me security There's no other way than the safe way. I've seen in these 'two way steets of communication' how trauma bonding is cast and enacted upon. Call it the coresive manipulators essence of charm. Indeed with its powers of supply source in effectiveness and utter denial in the aims when falling short. The narcissist is so mangled up and hung on a faltered never in sense of security they only know and ambition to fill their own interests. Where trust exists in relationships narcissist might conteptvandcrepramand any or every sence of purpose or value as inspired by the other. How could anyone be so dimwitted and expect to achieve anything close to a mutual goal. By layering more confusion and future fake like there will be no tomorrow and for them as far as I'm concerned, then good. I hope it might be better the case. A liar of sorts. Poised now and then impartial except for partial truths. Incessant to deceive all or anything then and there right before their eyes. Yes, there's opportunity here to mock regard truth with them. Yet I don't find it entertaining on a direct level. I'll be smart on the road of theirvoath and trust they can navigate. They always like the people who offer the most pathetic base of sympathy that a human could possibly be imagininative of.
I almost wrote I am a safe person but I realized there is always room to improve! And if I was lost I wouldn't want me to find me. Kreepy! Thanks Dr. C I sought out your vids because in an emotional storm you are the quintessence of the word safe!
Here is the hard thing about this. My parents aren't safe people...but if my wife and I tried to point this out, even kindly, they will just project onto us all the times they have been unsafe and ignore all the times we have tried to do conflict resolution in a kind manner and attempted to understand them. But, then say they have no obligation to understand us.....thankfully we are moving ourselves and our kids out soon. But, it is really hard when you're failures and imperfections are remembered to a T and on top of that someone else projects their own issues on to you. There likely isn't anything my wife and I can do to fix this and we will only be visiting on major holidays from here on out...it just sucks.
I was a safe person before I married the narc. Since then he undermined my personality. He came over as a safe person but that changed quickly. Not to met his unforgiveness and punishment I started lying, wiggling around the truth ( especially when it came to educating my children), had no time for my friends, didnt want to discuss problems with him as it turned out that only his way works and I am too childish to sort out myself. Now after separation I have to pick up my soul pieces and put them together again. Here I can get help to even find the words for my jigsaw pieces. Didnt know what is wrong with me and why I am not the old me. Its extremely painful how much this narc sucked out of me. Healing started slowly after 7 month of confusion and being lost. This safe person video helped me again to find another piece of my jigsaw. Thanks
Considering I am living in a tiny town of 160 people I have 10 I feel totally safe around. I think I am a safe person even though I am not terribly social. I have always been an introvert. I enjoy my alone time. I also LOVE the safe feeling each time I arrive home. I know that Ahhhhhh feeling oh so well. I enjoy it so much some times I do not even leave the house but to get my mail at the pobox for a few weeks at a time. Even stretching my need to grocery shop out for 2 months now. Thanks for this It was enlightening. I hope my safe people feel safe around me. I just avoid the people I do not feel safe around. I am not unkind to them I just do not socialize with them.
Chris Pyle We could be twins with the enjoying our own company and avoiding the grocery store...still want a deep freezer so I can go longer between trips. 😊
@@martymaloney1032 OHHH I could not go so long without my deep freeze. I am carnivore almost 95%. My freezer has enough meat to last me another 4 months. Keeps life simple and me healthy. I only went down this time to get my prescription filled. so while there stocked up I know I have to go back for sure first week in Sept so hoping I can make yesterdays trip last until then. 1/3 of my grocery bill of 150 was for cat food. Hahaha YES I am one of those crazy cat ladies.
@@martymaloney1032 OH Marty I am so sorry. I still miss our old beloved Dog Groucho. He has been gone almost as long as he lived with us. Every year I remembered his Birthday as I was there at my friends the day they all were born all 13 of them. Border collie mixes. A wonderful dog. And sadly almost 3 years ago now my hubby died on our Groucho's birthday. At least they are together now. Been up three nights with my old dog after having surgeries on both eyes and his back. The back is no problem but he wants to rub his eyes and the cone of shame makes him even more frantic and miserable. So I try to cuddle him in his bed to keep him calm. Vet saw him again today for check and said he is doing great. Happy about that and he is calmer tonight so maybe past the worst of it. OR maybe he is worn out from the 44 mile trip. Hey if this is it I will take them off for another drive tomorrow. Night night. Eyes slamming shut on me.
Another video that hits the nail on the head of something I'm concerned about. Just realized today that I still don't trust my friend, even though I've known her for 40 years. Couldn't put my finger on it before, but these points really brought out the obvious problem. I do not feel emotionally safe with her. Never have. Can't do much about that, but I am trying to be less reactive to more stable emotionally myself. Other videos of yours have helped me grapple with that....especially when I am disappointed or let down by someone close to me. This video really helps clarify what I want for myself and what things will look like when I get there. Thanks so much Dr. Carter and Gus.
Wish I'd heard this kind wisdom when I was a kid ~ but young or not so, every heart could benefit from the experience as mine has. Many thanks, Dr. Carter!
the term UN-SAFE is such a revelation in itself. these days the vast majority of ppl is un-safe .. to themselves and others. glad to have yr teaching dr c so we can find the safe ones.
Grateful to see that I am a safe person, and also much more grateful to see that I am surrounded by a handful of friends that are absolutely safe people! :)
wow. Before listening to you I would have said I am not a "safe" person, I am always on the edge of the line, one way or the other. I wasn't thinking about safe for others or unsafe for others to be around. I can see how I have made the journey from unsafe person to safe person in my twenties and thirties. I still don't want intimacy, but I was never a fair weather friend, I always gave loyalty because I valued it, and gave respect to get respect, but I want to keep people as far away from me as I can, and still be able function in society. But 7 out of 8 isn't bad, but I did have to work to learn how to be that way and apply it. I still think I am a little too prone to risk taking to be a safe, "safe person" Taking risks is fun if you do it right and hurts a lot if you don't, as my joints remind me every morning now.
Everything you described as an unsafe person is my covert narcissistic wife. I believe I am a safe person by your description. I hope I am people seem to like to confide in me. My narcissistic wife is very unsafe in so many ways.
I'm a safe person and frankly, I'm tired of dealing with people who aren't.
I don't have time or energy to try to deal with people who don't really want
to get along, who don't want to communicate and work things out.
Life is too short for me to keep being the only one trying. I need to learn
to stop apologizing when I haven't even done anything wrong. That's my task.
Libra Girl same! The pitfalls of being safe is attracting the wrong people who see us as easy prey
Yes!
More or less the same here. Tired to deal with unsafe ppl😕
It always hurts to leave a relationship, even a bad relationship.
I see people that don't know that they aren't safe. It's like they have something else going on.
Now I know why most of my time is spent with cats and dogs. They are my safe people 😉
Yes
I agree.💕
Very true! 😊👍💕
Me too, cats , pet mice, and Goldfish.
Same
I think the dog is with a safe person ;)
Yep! LOL - 2 safe very intelligent good looking fellas.
What if a person has intermittent health problems that dictates there Dynamics ?
Jim Panse I think the dog is a safe person as well
That's Gus. He is definitely a good guy! ❤🐶❤
Well sure, he's with an empath. 😆
traits of a safe person:
1) approachable, especially in disagreements
2) want/like to learn from their mistakes
3) they are transparent (what you see is what you get-authenticity)
4) genuinely like to connect
5) they affirm and encourage (not a critic)
6) a generally agreeable manner (disagree agreeable- respectful, loving)
7) manage anger cleanly (talk about it with dignity maintained)
8) they’re reliable, can count on them (responsible)
would you be considered a safe person?
Want to just clarify... if you are living with a covert narc who doesn't stop taunting you UNTIL YOU BLOW UP, this is NOT you "not managing your anger." We can control our anger around others, try to be kind and then reasonable with the narc... but they purposely become so infuriating because they are manipulating you (with gaslighting, with antagonism, etc.) to get that very response so they can play the victim. Everyone has a breaking point and malignant narcs are expert in pushing your buttons until they get that response. People sometimes call this "reactive abuse" but I don't see it as "abuse" at all. it is normal. The only thing you can do to prevent this is GET AWAY FROM THE NARC.
Being a safe person has positioned me in some very unsafe situations - with people who only befriended me to take advantage of my kindness and generosity. I have become cynical and un-trusting, which is alright by me. I now take my time to get to know people before I open myself to them. If they are safe people they will understand that time is what it takes! If they aren't willing to wait, that is their loss.
chinookvalley
I am the same! I am unwilling to deal with other people's baggage and bullshit anymore. I don't have room for it in my mind, heart, or life. I believe that you are right, that it does take time to get to know a person, before you can know for sure if they are safe or not. Most people present such a fascade, and can keep it going for quite some time, sometimes even for years!
Same here.
Me, too! I was RAISED by an unsafe person & always believed I was “the crazy one” because, even at a very tender age, I questioned “why”? (Help me understand.)
I am an ENFP. I used to think I WAS crazy and had a big LOSER or SUCKER sign across my forehead.
Unsafe people are drawn to me like flies! I SO needed affirmation and mistakingly thought they genuinely liked me. I was CRUSHED when I had opened up to them, nurtured them, loved them and, in a turn of a hat, for any reason, comes the daggers in the heart. Even worse, I’m totally ignored, as if I don’t even exist. YES, I have trust issues. And with good reason. I’m still my authentic self, but I do not invest myself emotionally or trust anyone, even after years of thinking I know them. Those I LOVE spending time with, I provide my own transportation, in case I need to leave, I totally enjoy their presence, I come home and savor the day and I move on. I set a firm boundary around my heart, because, at any time, their will be an emotional attack that devastates me for days.
“Do not share your pearls among swine, lest they drop them and trample on them”.
Don’t share your very self Amun’s people that will stomp on you.
I’m far from “there”, but Dr Carter opened my eyes 30 years ago, when I brought my son to him for ADHD evaluation. In the course of conversation, Dr Carter said “It’s not our job to think for our children. It’s our job to teach our children to think for themselves.” I instantly wept, uncontrollably. This started my road to recovery. It’s a long road! Thank You, Dr Carter! ~M~
I agree! 😊
Good grief, I feel this.
My best friend from third grade to two years after high school was the type to take advantage of my kindness. I was a shy kid, and he was the first to show interest in me on the playground. Things started well, but that wouldn't last. I came to feel sorry for him, especially later on, as I was one of his only friends. He'd driven the rest away. He had a lying problem, near constantly. One time, he'd made up this elaborate story of how he was a masked, notorious vigilante in some MMO. It wasn't his first fib, and this sounded fishy, so I looked into it. He lied. I called him out, and he admitted that he'd made up the story to appear more interesting to me. He would keep embellishing things as long as I knew him. The MMO incident was about halfway through our time. There were times when I enjoyed his company, especially early on, but as time passed those feelings were replaced by feeling drained and used. I was just somebody he could use to stroke his own ego. My thoughts became less and less important to him, and I eventually washed my hands of him. By that point, I had long lost count of how many last chances I'd given him. He was the first, but he wasn't the last "friend" I had. I wasn't so forgiving with those who followed.
I still like to connect with people and help when I can (it makes me feel like my continued existence means something), but there's definitely barriers erected. They'll come down in time, but they do so when I'm certain that I feel safe in that person's presence. Even then, I find myself being pessimistic and overly suspicious of people. I've never been in a violent confrontation, but I never leave my room or house without something I can use to defend myself with, even if it's just my keys. I got a lesson early on in the concept of a fake smile and have seen my fair share. Leave it to my paranoia to jump to the worst possible outcome of such a thing.
I didn't originally intend to write that much, so I want to thank everyone who read it. I think I needed to get that off my chest.
I think Gus makes everyone feel safe and happy.
My #1 criterion
Unsafe ppl may act friendly and cooperative, but are two-faced. They betray you.
hidden agenda
"Internally and externally consistent" - Brilliant! An excellent way to evaluate both oneself and others
I'm looking forward to this one. I hope I'm a safe person already but, if I'm not, I want to learn to be one.
Based on this criteria, I think I'm okay. I'm a little stronger or safer in some areas than others but, overall, I think I pass the test and I know where I can use some improvement.
Thinking about the people who I've chosen to be in my life (as opposed to some I'm kinda stuck with through blood or work), I've finally selected well. (Better late than never! ) They may be few but they are all quality, safe people.
Auntie Madder Unsafe people don’t think they need to work on anything so you must be safe!
Thank you, Alice Reed.
You are oozing heart ❤
Your content is always so consistently innovative and creative. This platform is so fortunate to have you here.
Definitely. 🙂
I am a safe person..💜
Thank you for my fix today, and for reassurance that I'm not the crazy one..❤
I'm a safe person and so sorry that I've learned so late I've been sorrounded by those unsafe people, type Narcissists. Thanks for the channel.
"Asking cornering questions..." = unsafe person. Thank you Dr C.
I love these summaries - they provide great touchstones! Speaking of boundaries, I know it sounds funny, but as a child of an NPD, most of my life was spent just responding. As an adult, I had to learn how to schedule out my plans for the week/weekend first and then learn to respect them as an adult, without feeling guilty. It's such a simple thing, but I find I still have trouble with committing to too much for other people and not making sure I've taken care of my needs first. It's an ongoing challenge I have to keep fresh in the mind.
I struggled with this also. It is very common for children of NPD parents to become "people pleasers", often to their detriment. We are still unconsciously trying to please the parents we could never please, to garner acceptance from those who would not accept as as individuals and not extensions of themselves. I was nearly 50 before I learned to say no to unreasonable expectations and to enforce boundaries.
I went to a therapist to learn to say no without guilt thirty years ago, it was incredibly helpful. I wish I’d known more about these negative personality types back when I was younger and been able to set more boundaries with family members then. With the exception of my two older sisters I have disconnected with two brothers and sisters. I couldn’t take the lying, manipulations and misogyny, it’s too bad but is also a huge relief not to have all that negativity in my life.
Ha Ha. It seems odd now, that we have to “ schedule time “ to care about ourselves because as children we weren’t allowed to. My sympathy and congratulations for making it to this new self care level💪, ( and because it was necessary to make a conscious choice to achieve it.)
Gus is a big part of my recovery, thank you Dr Carter 💝
Aw...that’s sweet.
Dr. Carter, your open heart is reaching all over the world, in all sorts of places and people you'll never even know about.
Thank you most sincerely 🙏
Received, with gratitude. Dr. C
Dr. Carter...you're a gem. I really love watching and learning from your videos.
Thanks, Barbara. Dr. C
This came at a perfect time for me! Thank you for all your videos.
I want to be a good person, but, not a doormat. You help me see my roll in an unhealthy relationship. I have options.
Same here
Teresa Riley
Yes, this has been huge for me the past couple of years! I am finding that I can been kind and empathetic, and compassionate towards others, but this does not require me to be a doormat! A lot of times those unsafe people out there see someone who is kind, and they mistakenly believe that they can go right ahead and take advantage of me. Thankfully I have learned (through much practice) how to stop their abusive behavior by simply not engaging with them in it. It's funny to see how confused they get when I don't fall into their little evil traps!! 😁
@@christinelamb1167 , Ha-ha, It is funny to watch. One like that I was friends with (not a romantic partner) was working an elaborate scheme over time, a scheme that he decided I would play a part in. I watched it develop, waiting to see what his next move would be. I didn't indicate that I knew what he was trying to pull. I knew I'd eventually have to do or say something when the noose began to grow tighter, and it did. When that moment came, I diverted the whole scheme down another pathway, and you should have seen the confusion in his face. He began to run his hands through his hair, and was making noises like "huh, ummm....huh." After a long awkward silence, he said, "Uh, ....interesting." And we were both quiet as I just stared at him. It was weird and uncomfortable, but it had to be done. It wasn't mentioned by either of us again, but I knew I was going to start pulling away, and after knowing him for several years, I eventually just stopped returning his calls. It just makes you wonder if they know how wrong it is to exploit kindness in others. Good that you are taking care of yourself!
@@notagain779 Ha ha! Yes, it sounds similar to some relationships/people I've been in/encountered. Like you said, it is an awkward moment, but it needs to be done. Otherwise, they don't know when to stop!
I think they absolutely know that it is wrong to exploit the kindness of others, but they just don't care. This is what makes them unsafe.
Good for you, too, for taking care of yourself in this relationship. It is sometimes sad to have to let a relationship go, but the trade off is just too costly to continue.
@@christinelamb1167, Yes, you're right - the trade off is much too costly to continue. Now that I remember back, he did mention that he thought he was clever, and knew how to "get things done." Also mentioned people "giving me the permission to continue." I guess you're right that they know it's wrong and don't care - no doubt it's some kind of ego boost compulsion that's too delicious for them to resist. They also seem to know that since you're a nice person, you're not likely to do anything to punish them once you figure them out.
Oh, this is an EXCELLENT breakdown of how to evaluate ourselves, & ourselves in relation to others. Great info. Thank u Dr. C. 🙂
"Authenticity is internal and external consistency" Incredibly well put. Thanks doc! 💙🤖💙🤖💙🤖💙🤖💙🤖💙
Gus says "Here he goes talking at that funny box thing again. Doesn't he know it's not real?! I'm a much better person to talk to! I'm worried about him. I'm determined to keep my eyes open this time to make sure nothing else that's strange happens!" ☺🐶 Love your work, thanks! Theresa
Ok, that made me laugh. Dr. C
I feel safe in your channel, Dr. Carter. God bless you.
I like Dr. Carter’s priorities, especially taking responsibility, and understanding your own motivation.
Unsafe people, especially when they are a mate, do so much damage that it can change your DNA. Unsafe people are narcissistic. For me, even though I have been away from my ex husband for almost 20 years and I still fear his judgement and what his hatred might move him to do to me and his daughter. Thank goodness for my SUPER safe parents.
The dog in the background feels really safe around Dr. Les Carter. I can totally understand him😊
Thank you once again Dr Carter. Safety is my no 1 priority after decades of narcisstic abuse. 🤍
Dr. Carter you are now my favorite therapist. You make life better for people who are into hard times dealing with difficult and toxic people.
Love your videos, you are a beacon of light 💕
I almost wrote I am a safe person but I realized there is always room to improve!
Upward and onward, Kelly! Dr. C
I am so thankful I found your videos. I have been surrounded by narcissists all my life--my mother, sister, friends and my ex-husband. I have lost most of them by divorce, death and ghosting. Three years ago I moved away from my sister to spend time with my Dad. Since then I have been trying to figure out who I actually am instead of who they said I was and then I found your videos and they have been so very helpful. My journey continues but at least I have found a way to forgive myself for allowing them to do this to me. I thank you.
yes I love being in my home where it is safe with my good husband of 29 years, I also like to talk to some of my safe friends and I like to eat my safe foods and not a lot of high calorie foods. I lost 30 lbs when I learned to let go of narc people. Yes when you are with a narc it is never safe, you always have to be on guard and ready to set a boundry and take care of yourself. I am learning, your videos have helped so much especially that one Listening to your emotional pain, that woke me up. Thank you Dr C.
Thank you so much for clarifying what a safe person looks like. My husband is and has been an “ unsafe” person . All he does and has done is to be very critical and very much a score keeper. My husband hit all six of those traits dead on. I am so thankful I have discovered you, Dr. C. I watch your videos daily, sometimes I watch 3 or 4 a day. Thank you so much for sharing all of your wisdom and knowledge with all of us out here. I am more than grateful for you and Gus!!! I love your sense of humor also ; I laugh out loud a lot of times at the things you say because these are things I have lived and or am living in with my husband. Thank you!!!!!!
This is perfect. Thank you for doing this. Saving this for whenever I need to look back.
It depends; sometimes I am a safe person but other times I am an unsafe person. There are people that I deliberately keep at an arms length. Not because I am upset or angry with them but because some of their characteristics are unsafe for me, so I put invisible barriers between us. However, if I let you close to me, you can be sure I have your back. I will fight for you, I will support you and be there for you.
I hope I’m making sense.
I can tell that you are a calm, safe and consistent person by the way that Gus is chillin' in the background, Dr. C. Dogs, many times take on their owner's personality traits. These videos are so helpful. I'm glad I stumbled (or rather the algorithm stumbled for me) onto your channel. Thank you.
Dr.Carter: You have nailed it again. Your home is your safe place. I have made this my number one priority for many years now....shelter from the storm. I have never heard of a certain kind of individual being described as a "safe person". Remarkable terminolgy. Thank you! God Bless.
I really don't know what I would of done without these videos
Listening to this cries out two significant males in my life, unsafe. I thought that I was an unsafe person because people have been running away from me, just the strong ones staying, but after listening to this, I think I'm actually a safe person. I lash out sometimes, in my struggle against drowning, and in my anger and fear, but I don't want anyone to feel unsafe around me. Just gotta remember who I am maybe.
Thanks. I have a couple safe friends. I didn’t realize how lucky I am. Now to be sure I’m safe too. This info is invaluable. 👍
Dignity & reliability are key. Healthy living is important for body & mental stability. Being the only healthy person in a relationship is taxing at best.....but still, my faith, being true to myself, boundaries, & all the lessons learned from Dr C help create a safe place for me to fall. I’m in control of my life! Hi to Gus!
yes tomorrow every word will be scrutinized
Ooh yeah! Gus is a safe little creature. I felt an 'Ahhh' and there was a smile on my lips the moment he raised his head ☺
Gus is literally right next to me at this moment. I'll pass it along! Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter 😁Thanks Dr. Carter!
I've definitely always been an unsafe person, but with the help of some great Drs and therapists I'm able to understand why and how to change. You are great at making things clear and understandable. Thank you!
Is it fair to say our attitudes and biases are programmed.
How wonderful to know then that with good guidance we can damage limitation and know a better alternative. This education should go out to parents before their children are born and in partnership with the educators there on. Thank you for your straightforward information Dr. Carter.
We don’t realise our worth but you remind us that we are worthy.
Helpful video. Thank you. Being from a dysfunctional family full of unsafe people videos like this help. No one is perfect, right. I think that I am a safe person but I have so much anger due to all the bullying and abuse that has come my way, that when I get angry, sometimes it is extremely intense (the emotional charge along with the emotional energy is huge). Some people (codependents, people pleasers, etc. ) swallow their anger and resentment (I used to do that), which also causes problems - problems sleeping, headaches, migranes, back pain and other psychosomatic problems; some say it can even lead to autoimmune disease. Picking safe people is so important. The challenge is first finding those safe people and not turning them off with dysfunctional behavior.
Cal EuXX AMEN, so True💯
I was most definitely living with an Unsafe person
Thanks Dr. Carter. I've unfortunately been connected to two narcissists, but that doesn't absolve me from continuing to work on myself. Your videos have been a big help.
Wow this one of my favorite new videos. I know what list I want to be on. I hope I bring that peace and happiness to others.
Stick with List 2. Dr. C
Gus in no ordinary dog...
I assert, in an agreeable mode of enquiry, that he is actually the therapist and you are translating for him...
Just a joke...😃
Another to the 'Heart of the Matter' video by you sir, DRC indeed!
you erminded me of that dog that listens to gramophone, HMV His Master's Voice, i always understood what it represented, hearing the voice of love, affection, honesty and the dalm and serenity it allowed, the original over the years i created my own problems now i see i was not my own safe person
all is well now, so gggooooodddd
Thank you Dr Carter for making so many peeps feel safe listening to your calming wisdom.Awe!!!! Gus is such a cutie pie (O:
I experienced a "safe place" yesterday and it was wonderful... they were family and it felt so good for all of us!
I deeply wish I had found this video 2 years ago... it would have saved me from so much chaos.
Wonderful video, this makes so much sense. Your videos are very helpful! Thank you!
Thank you so much Dr Carter❤
You are amazing. Thank you for your incredible service to the world, Dr. Carter. When counselling is not possible, because the other person wishes to use counseling as a weapon, the hope is that your videos will help said individual to realise that how they are behaving is destructive. Also, incredibly, you again help the true victim to remain CENTRED. Bless you. I would never wish for my daughter to come across a narcissist in her life.
Excellent content. I don’t usually comment, because I don’t know who might ultimately read it. But I need to say thank you. All your videos have been a great help to me. This one is among the best. My home has been and will always be a safe harbor for my family. I am generally a safe person. And thanks to you, my eyes are open to the root of certain behavior. Knowledge gleaned from you has made all the difference in dealing with it. I am grateful.
This is helpful. I'm fairly safe but need to do a little tweaking.
Thank you God for making me a safe person.
G-d gives everyone good and bad character traits. HE also gives us free will to choose. You choose to be a good (safe) person. :)
I like your definition of safe people, Dr Carter. I have valued honesty and humble sincerity, and now see that those people have safe qualities. I look forward to your teaching about personal boundaries as I've trusted unsafe people to my detriment and am practising new skills now that I know that some people harm others on purpose - even a mother can try to destroy her own child. I had assumed that mothers naturally love their children.
Guz and Dr. Carter are awesome😄👍👍👍
Thank you Dr Carter, another very helpful video.
I am grateful to be a safe person. Yet sad that unsafe people seem to flock to me. I don't allow many people in my life because I have had much trauma dealing with unsafe people. Yet I am sure grateful that I am a safe person.
Wow....this was wonderful! If you have every wondered if your videos are helping people-they truly are. I heard the word "Narcissist" for the first time in August of 2018. I have listened to you regularly every since. I only dreamed of having peace and being comfortable in my own skin. Now, having the understanding that I do, I am actually living and enjoying life again. Thank you for the work that you are doing. I do really appreciate it!
Thanks, we like being with you too! Taking notes on that message. Now that things have changed and we're doing much better in our relationship we talk about stuff. It's two-way now! So I'll be lightheartedly sharing my notes with him. We're both growing and changing, but the best part is there is no more abuse!! Thanks Dr C.
Pleased. Remember...Dignity, Respect, Civility. I'm pulling for you! Dr. C
Love this! I had people in my life, still do, that make me believe I am a 'problem'. No, actually, I am a safe person.
Love your videos..Helping So Many deal with this Trauma is a Great thing...even i have learned a few things, for which i profoundly Thank You, & had many other things i instinctively felt and/or done, in the presence of these abusers, validated.
...my trials by fire with them began at age 2 & continued until their demise...they Hated that they could not break me...and their wrath caused a lot of anguish via flying monkeys...but..now...they are all gone...& i am still standing...still smiling at dew drops sparkling in the morning sun..picking flowers, talking to animals, finding Joy..Every day, in the Simple Wondrous Miracle things that they could never see ..
When i meet new ones, as we certainly will in this society..i don't waste time with them, because i don't have to...they Always mistake my kindness for weakness..when they begin their sthcik i simply look down & this emboldens them..then when they deliver their 'kill shot' hook, i suddenly lift my eyes to theirs, smile, & say: "i have been abused by Masters & they Failed to break me..You...are an Amateur compared to them..so...shoo..be on your way....buh bye"
......this simple sentence stuns them into mute silence and they literally can not run away fast enough..Truth is a Powerful weapon when they are deathly Allergic to it
GUS! :) Thank you Dr. for your great videos!
I am 4 out of 8 as a safe person, need to change and grow more in order to be a fully safe person. My main thing is--it's hard for me to bring down those walls but I also love to connect with others especially my friends and my sister. Thanks, Dr. C! I always love to learn from your contents. :)
I have no safe people in my life. Where the hell do I find some?
I think the more safe you are out in the world, the more you will find people like that. The problem is, that we have been conditioned to think this behavior isn't normal, there fore we keep seeking people who reinforce old, familiar, dysfunctional, patterns.
When you find out, let me know!
@@michelecraig9658 or attracting them, like a magnet.
Join a church and participate in activities there. Make friends by volunteering at a shelter ...just some thoughts for you. Good luck my friend.
Tamashii ii I am a Christian. Sadly, some of the most unsafe people in the world are in churches.
"You are the last person I want to be around" to the unsafe people around me
In a bad relationship it's easy to focus on the other person's big controlling ways, like not letting you speak or yelling at you, and not notice our own "smaller" control faults like a strong tone of voice or being a bit late. Another helpful and encouraging video, thank you, Dr Carter.
Thanks for the list, gives me some items to work on improving. Consistency and reliability is a big one.
Safe as a hungry sabre tooth tiger with heart ache, hunger and menopause.
And I just get to be cold slated on the road by a predicament like that in the making. .No, not even remotely part of the backdrop story.
The joys of what happens down the road might seem just like random kaotics as we fare with the narcissist/disordered.
But now I know in wisdom, I was at fault for lack of awareness. Humble people must humble and reinforce values, that they are the full load of bread. Knowing limitations should never cut them short, or their slices too thin in a figuration of words.
Thanking this channel for the mighty good insights and the tenacity of attitude to get up and go, brilliant as it seems from wherever we left off.
Is life just one great mystery we are constantly em'barking' upon?
Bloody oath, in any case if delusion I trust my love for it as a means of survival., safe, safety, protecting and nurturing, kindness in a moderately unsselfish way, the base conditions of me security There's no other way than the safe way.
I've seen in these 'two way steets of communication' how trauma bonding is cast and enacted upon. Call it the coresive manipulators essence of charm. Indeed with its powers of supply source in effectiveness and utter denial in the aims when falling short.
The narcissist is so mangled up and hung on a faltered never in sense of security they only know and ambition to fill their own interests.
Where trust exists in relationships narcissist might conteptvandcrepramand any or every sence of purpose or value as inspired by the other. How could anyone be so dimwitted and expect to achieve anything close to a mutual goal.
By layering more confusion and future fake like there will be no tomorrow and for them as far as I'm concerned, then good. I hope it might be better the case. A liar of sorts. Poised now and then impartial except for partial truths. Incessant to deceive all or anything then and there right before their eyes.
Yes, there's opportunity here to mock regard truth with them.
Yet I don't find it entertaining on a direct level.
I'll be smart on the road of theirvoath and trust they can navigate.
They always like the people who offer the most pathetic base of sympathy that a human could possibly be imagininative of.
You speak very descriptively, Robert. Dr. C
That's what we need to teach our future generations. To build a safer world we need safe people. Thanks Dr C. (From French 🇨🇦)
I almost wrote I am a safe person but I realized there is always room to improve! And if I was lost I wouldn't want me to find me. Kreepy! Thanks Dr. C I sought out your vids because in an emotional storm you are the quintessence of the word safe!
This is one of the clearest on this topic that i've heard ...Bless you Les..
Hey Gus .... thank you Dr. C .... dignity, respect & Civilty for all 🙏
Yes, DRC. And Gus says hi. Dr. C
Here is the hard thing about this. My parents aren't safe people...but if my wife and I tried to point this out, even kindly, they will just project onto us all the times they have been unsafe and ignore all the times we have tried to do conflict resolution in a kind manner and attempted to understand them. But, then say they have no obligation to understand us.....thankfully we are moving ourselves and our kids out soon. But, it is really hard when you're failures and imperfections are remembered to a T and on top of that someone else projects their own issues on to you. There likely isn't anything my wife and I can do to fix this and we will only be visiting on major holidays from here on out...it just sucks.
You are making a worthwhile contribution to building a better world. I learn from you. Thank you.
Dr C , you're content is awesome! I can tell that helping people is truly you're passion. Keep up the great work!
Brilliant Dr. Les! I visualize a child’s book on this topic for the world to see and hear your wisdom.
Great idea! Dr. C
Thank you for making these videos!
You're welcome. I genuinely enjoy doing this! Dr. C
I am a safe person, but it beats me to find that I am a magnet for unsafe people. How do I set this situation right and attract safe people?
Gus was interested in the topic so was all ears and eyes. Thank you and see you next time.
I was a safe person before I married the narc. Since then he undermined my personality. He came over as a safe person but that changed quickly. Not to met his unforgiveness and punishment I started lying, wiggling around the truth ( especially when it came to educating my children), had no time for my friends, didnt want to discuss problems with him as it turned out that only his way works and I am too childish to sort out myself. Now after separation I have to pick up my soul pieces and put them together again. Here I can get help to even find the words for my jigsaw pieces. Didnt know what is wrong with me and why I am not the old me. Its extremely painful how much this narc sucked out of me. Healing started slowly after 7 month of confusion and being lost. This safe person video helped me again to find another piece of my jigsaw. Thanks
Thanks to you and Gus.😀
Considering I am living in a tiny town of 160 people I have 10 I feel totally safe around. I think I am a safe person even though I am not terribly social. I have always been an introvert. I enjoy my alone time. I also LOVE the safe feeling each time I arrive home. I know that Ahhhhhh feeling oh so well. I enjoy it so much some times I do not even leave the house but to get my mail at the pobox for a few weeks at a time. Even stretching my need to grocery shop out for 2 months now. Thanks for this It was enlightening. I hope my safe people feel safe around me. I just avoid the people I do not feel safe around. I am not unkind to them I just do not socialize with them.
Chris Pyle We could be twins with the enjoying our own company and avoiding the grocery store...still want a deep freezer so I can go longer between trips. 😊
@@martymaloney1032 OHHH I could not go so long without my deep freeze. I am carnivore almost 95%. My freezer has enough meat to last me another 4 months. Keeps life simple and me healthy. I only went down this time to get my prescription filled. so while there stocked up I know I have to go back for sure first week in Sept so hoping I can make yesterdays trip last until then. 1/3 of my grocery bill of 150 was for cat food. Hahaha YES I am one of those crazy cat ladies.
Everyone should experience the love of an animal...I still miss my dogs and it’s been ten years.
@@martymaloney1032 OH Marty I am so sorry. I still miss our old beloved Dog Groucho. He has been gone almost as long as he lived with us. Every year I remembered his Birthday as I was there at my friends the day they all were born all 13 of them. Border collie mixes. A wonderful dog. And sadly almost 3 years ago now my hubby died on our Groucho's birthday. At least they are together now. Been up three nights with my old dog after having surgeries on both eyes and his back. The back is no problem but he wants to rub his eyes and the cone of shame makes him even more frantic and miserable. So I try to cuddle him in his bed to keep him calm. Vet saw him again today for check and said he is doing great. Happy about that and he is calmer tonight so maybe past the worst of it. OR maybe he is worn out from the 44 mile trip. Hey if this is it I will take them off for another drive tomorrow. Night night. Eyes slamming shut on me.
Another video that hits the nail on the head of something I'm concerned about. Just realized today that I still don't trust my friend, even though I've known her for 40 years. Couldn't put my finger on it before, but these points really brought out the obvious problem. I do not feel emotionally safe with her. Never have. Can't do much about that, but I am trying to be less reactive to more stable emotionally myself. Other videos of yours have helped me grapple with that....especially when I am disappointed or let down by someone close to me. This video really helps clarify what I want for myself and what things will look like when I get there. Thanks so much Dr. Carter and Gus.
Pay close attention to be sure it’s authentic AND also what you want and need
Wish I'd heard this kind wisdom when I was a kid ~ but young or not so, every heart could benefit from the experience as mine has. Many thanks, Dr. Carter!
Dr Les Carter i feel safe here, thank you
That's the point! Dr. C
Gus is indeed a "safe person " so calm
the term UN-SAFE is such a revelation in itself. these days the vast majority of ppl is un-safe .. to themselves and others. glad to have yr teaching dr c so we can find the safe ones.
I am a safe person. I Thanked God who taught me to be one.
Grateful to see that I am a safe person, and also much more grateful to see that I am surrounded by a handful of friends that are absolutely safe people! :)
GOOD BOY, GUS! I just adore him.
I do too. Dr. C
Thank you Dr. C ! Im doing my best to be that safe person :) have a blessed day
wow. Before listening to you I would have said I am not a "safe" person, I am always on the edge of the line, one way or the other. I wasn't thinking about safe for others or unsafe for others to be around. I can see how I have made the journey from unsafe person to safe person in my twenties and thirties. I still don't want intimacy, but I was never a fair weather friend, I always gave loyalty because I valued it, and gave respect to get respect, but I want to keep people as far away from me as I can, and still be able function in society. But 7 out of 8 isn't bad, but I did have to work to learn how to be that way and apply it. I still think I am a little too prone to risk taking to be a safe, "safe person" Taking risks is fun if you do it right and hurts a lot if you don't, as my joints remind me every morning now.
You know who are usually pretty darn good at knowing a safe person when they meet one? Small children! And Dogs. And cats. But especially dogs.
Everything you described as an unsafe person is my covert narcissistic wife. I believe I am a safe person by your description. I hope I am people seem to like to confide in me. My narcissistic wife is very unsafe in so many ways.