They respond immediately with defense, because they assume/infer that anything/everything you say is meant as an attack against them. They fear being in the wrong & being called out. They're always prepared to fight that, even if it's not happening.
@Mysticat. Agree with you. Adding to your line of thought I can say that defensiveness echoes fear and insecurity. As Dr. Carter stated, those individuals carry several psychological ailments and have been invalidated in previous relationships. That can be interpreted as a painful history of a restricted, unhealthy emotional development. For some, such defensiveness is an indicator of a paranoid personality disorder.
@mysticat7652 - The next layer to what you stated is they actually create a picture of you in there head thats the complete opposite of who you are. Once they do this they lose respect for you & theres no limits to the disrespect towards you they will justify. Defensiveness on the level you mentioned where they ASSUME instead of LISTENING is so destructive to a non-defensive well meaning person.
True. And the minute that you are yourself at a place where he is not the center of attention instead of someone else there then later look out for not having done your job for him well enough.
Lisa DiConti, You can't be yourself if you're a straight shooter. They'll be very threatened by that, since their whole way of operating is subterranean.
Hello Lisa how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?
@@MarcoGuedes-r9h Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these exact same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, **STOP* harassing women!!!
Yep Heaven for bid you have a tone of your voice that would upset them cause them to just get all riled up Yes he goes around closing all the windows so he can scream F you to me about 50 times in my face I'm so sick of it
Once you've been shut down so many times over nothing you just get defensive at most everything. Its exhausting being overrulled and corrected all of the darn time. When you have not figured out yet that the other person is a narcissist, we just keep on trying to be heard!!!
That’s a moment of realization that it’s time to stop 🛑 trying to be heard by people who don’t care what you have to say. It’s THEIR loss. The moments will grow lesser in time & eventually you may choose to wait until someone asks you a direct question. It’s a peaceful way to go through life.
You just described my life with every single word used! I'm trying to keep silent but am not winning the battle! Some has been extremely abusive (verbal) but it's constant and I never know what will set him off. Others think he is very charming yet don't know his comments about them. I wish the signs had made an impact on the 20 year old idiot I was back then. Never should have married him! Just thinking about it set off anxiety.
@Mary Carroll It’s a wearing down isn’t it? .…and yes, we don’t have healthy conversations anymore. That’s long gone,sadly …only brief conversations out of necessity. 🕊
Never ending criticism has put me in a permanent defensive mode. When I notice that I am too defensive, I remind myself that life is not a competition, as almost every narcissist tries to teach you.
My aunt has that life is a competition mindset still, and she is in her 70’s. Growing up around that, I used to think like that. Now I just keep it groovy indeed. We are going to be just fine @mehmet.
It's so hard not to get sucked in. At some point, you have to remind yourself that the last 1,000 times you tried to defend yourself to the narcissist, it didn't bring satisfaction, and your next effort to defend is not likely to break the trend. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter That's so right and I appreciate you pointing that out. You're certainly a part of my path to heal and I've learned a lot from your very helpful videos which can be easily integrated in everdays life. Thank you Dr. C 👍😃
I see myself getting into defensive mode as a result of my parents overstepping my boundaries. I’m working on a way to manage that more effectively. It’s so difficult.
Yes. My adult daughter is an only child. I regretfully and wrongly - micro managed her as a child, And now even when it’s good feedback or advice - she has zero tolerance for my guidance. But I have told her. If I’m damaging for her confidence , which I hate to think I am….horrible for a parent to make my child feel bad ( my parents did it to me) but unlike my parents I want her to be happy and if that means spending less time with me she can stay away from me but will still inherit everything when I die.
@@Kiwiwanderer parents that remove their child’s autonomy feel lost in the world. This is a toxic behavior that shows the lack of respect you showed her when little. Stop giving unsolicited advice. Period. Hopefully it isn’t too late.
@@butterflylove2642 I've missed "chatting" with you. I wish things here were better. My daughter has been very ill so I've been holding down the fort and looking after my 3 granddaughters. She still doesn't have a diagnosis and they're waiting for the Lyme disease results. She's a widow and I live with them. Everything is complicated it seems. Sorry for venting. I'm tired and have a headache after spending almost 3 Hours entering a delivery grocery order...and I'm not even done! I've thought of you many times and wondered if you and your precious one are okay. Don't you just love the Dr. Les Carter channel? Gotta go handle stuff. Let me know how it's going, okay?
@@dawnbailey1132 Very nice to hear from you, Dawn! Yes, for sure, the good Lord plus @Dr. Les Carter (and his books) have saved me through a very, very, difficult chapter of my life. I still praise God for Dr. Carter & for the Lord directing me to his UA-cam channel, here, to educate me & to make sense of all the steadily increasing turmoil & chaos of my marriage that sadly began quite soon after we were married decades ago. Because of Dr. Carter’s exceptional teaching, I have changed the way I think & react. I can breathe better now. Healthy boundaries & grey rocking sadly had to be put in motion, though, in order to cope with, and deflect the abuse, but have indeed been life changing in a positive way thanks to Dr. Carter’s illuminating my mind. I am so very sorry to learn of your daughter’s illness. I have just lifted her up to the Lord for healing, and I will continue prayers for her. Are you all still in the lovely “sunshine state?” Dawn, if this helps, may I also share w/ you that 5 years ago I was battling 3 serious physical illnesses (besides coping w/ my husband’s severe malignant NPD). It’s a wonder I survived…well, by God, alone, for sure. I told myself that my medical diagnosis’s were “unacceptable.” I dove straight in to additional serious research; research, this time, on the health of the human body, & how the Standard American Diet is prematurely killing countless individuals every day. I gave up every bit of meat, all dairy, eggs & seafood…plus, I do not add salt, oil, or ‘processed’ sugar to my home cooking like I used to. Yes, quite severe changes to embrace. However, by the grace of God, I reversed ALL 3 diseases & lost 60 pounds in the process; I praise Him! It’s a blessing to eat all kinds of raw fruits & veggies plus ‘cooked’ plant foods, too i.e. beans, rice, other whole grains, hearty oats & all types of potatoes. Must include that all of our children switched to eating this way, but my husband became seriously enraged that we should choose such an “anti-Biblical” way of eating! That’s a whole other long story of course, but we held firm to our newly adopted food choices back then. I have continued to cook “old school style” meals every day for my husband-because that is ‘his choice.’ I realize that eating this “total plants” way will not cure every single serious disease in the world, and I believe that God holds the number of each of our days. But by His power, and by His plan, the drastic, yet simple, food changes, cured my 3 life-threatening diseases. I am so grateful to my Creator for healing me, because now I am, prayerfully, allowed to live longer to take care of our precious son. Perhaps once your daughter gets her diagnosis she might consider researching a Whole-Foods “plant way” of eating. Been reading that many 80 year old vegans are reversing various diseases, moving about like 40 year olds & many even involved with serious weightlifting. I haven’t gotten into that, yet…but I’m tempted. 😁 I learned that eating meat & dairy make the human body ‘acidic’ & cancer cells love & thrive in an acidic environment. Plants make the body ‘alkaline’ & cancer cells have a tough time surviving in an alkaline state. Like Hippocrates said, “Let food be thy medicine & medicine be thy food.” For my mental health, I follow Dr. Carter. For my physical health, I follow plant based MDs and have been astounded with my improved health plus (almost effortless) weight loss. With my special needs son to care for, I do not have the luxury of going to a gym. Being originally from the Deep South eating all kinds of meat -all day long, prepared all kinds of ways (but primarily FRIED) it honestly took only 5 days for my taste buds to “reset.” So thankful to God that this particular way of eating, which apparently contains so much naturally occurring nitric oxide, has physically strengthened my heart & mind to deal w/ my husband’s unfortunate mental condition. Dawn, I am praying for your daughter’s excellent health to return, for your own good strength & health, & for you all to have a very blessed summer. My sincere apologies for going on & on. I won’t bring up this topic again. Just thought that if there’s something I could share that might possibly help someone else, I wanted to share…sort of in the same, caring, way that Dr. Carter shares & teaches us about Narcissism.🕊✝️👋🌱❤️
We all fall short. We aren't perfect. I think the pandemic has revealed the extent of human cruelty and defensiveness. Family members have been torn apart. Death isn't the only way family members can be devastated. A narcissist just compounds the problem. Sometimes keeping quiet and learning to pick your battles, is the only way to survive and to keep your own sanity.
@dhall2553 , I agree with you. Seems you've arrived at a balanced perspective. I'm working on the same. No one should feel that they must submit to verbal whippings, but if a verbal warrior is used to a person accepting it, as soon as you stop allowing it, they will see you as being very stubborn and difficult, won't they? Right, don't be silenced or flustered. You may have to become emotionally detached from such types of people.
Hello Marie how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?
I grew up with family members that are so reactive and feeble most of the time that they're like shrieking banshees with their knee-jerk, hair-trigger responses. It fostered high levels of anxiety, avoidance and PTSD-like symptoms in me that changed who I was in a very negative way. Over time, that toxic environment became the dojo that I needed to train in to work toward becoming a master. For years, the word "balance" was on my mind. I would challenge myself to keep my energy level very, very centered. This practice retrained my brain and I became less reactive in response and was able to maintain my composure without being drawn into the hysterics. I did not numb myself out and still remained highly alert, feeling and sensing, which I believe is an incredibly healthy way to be. I manage my energy and avoid negative environments that will not be fruitful and will drain me unnecessarily. It's not been an easy path, but it has made me all the stronger. I do believe that no-contact is necessary to ultimately heal, purge and move forward. Have a wonderful weekend, everybody.
This is so interesting. Thank you for sharing your way of managing your mind. I believe systems like the one you have found for yourself are the key to interacting with people in the best possible way. All the best to you.
Anonymous Anomaly, That sounds balanced to me. Reminds me of the book "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior". I read that years ago, and thought it was very obtuse at the time - didn't really "get it" until now, with recent awareness of difficult personality types. Best of luck as you stay centered! 🙂💡💪
I have often felt the same. I am now clear-headed, able to keep my composure in almost every situation, and know what I want and how to communicate it to others. The problem is those whose claws are dug deep into the fabric of my life, and no matter what I do, they keep dragging me back down. They're tyrants. I'm now at the stage where I want to leave from them, however, the leaving seems more difficult than the self discipline has been.
Hello swan how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?
@@MarcoGuedes-r9h Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these exact same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, **STOP* harassing women!!!
It's easy to become defensive when we are worried about what others think of us. When we don't care if others like us but are dedicated to obeying God only we are free to be ourselves without worry about losing someone's love. We love people but we don't need to be loved by others because Christ loves us, we can be authentic without fear.
I had a nasty conversation a few days ago and since then tried to make sense out of it. I wasn't able to figure out what happened. Thank you for this video. I can better understand now what was going on. What a relief. I made my mistakes but am not as guilty and awful as accused. Again: thank you 👍🏻🙏🏻🤗
This defensiveness is a reflection of their unhappiness with themselves and their lives. I know someone who is only happy when they find conflict somewhere and want to talk about it endlessly.
Tips on how to successfully communicate with one who instantly jumps on the defense are greatly appreciated. A deeper understanding of why this happens in their minds really helps. Thank you Dr Les.
The Four Horsemen in a conflict discussions. You need to identify and eliminate them. Replace it by using healthy and productive arguments and clear communication patterns. Conquest, war, hunger, and death. This metaphor to describe communication styles that can predict the end of any relationship.
Conquest always starts by stealth first. At first by making you believe that it is only just joking around which slowly over time day by day will have more and more bizarre low hanging fruit falling from that sort of tree in the background there as a result until you can sense that another one of their grandiose conquest moves is about to happen next again.
Always a pleasure to listen to you, Dr. C. Thank you for another thoughtful video. Gus is lollygagging in the background... His "defensive posture" looks wonderfully relaxed... :)
The excessive impulses and emotions make us making mistakes in forming a judgment about people and different situations. Common sense helps us to recognize our wrong actions. Healthy thinking is "anti-poison" to strong emotions, because such emotions can lead us to "wrong road". It is sometimes really difficult to separate us from our excessive emotions which do harm us. Dr. Carter, thanks for this video ! It was worthy of hearing.
Great video,I just realized that at 62 that I am that highly defensive person. My behaviour has never been checked and I have always pushed people away going back to my earliest memories. This stops now. I intended to treat myself like a recovering alcoholic and never again think and use negative attack thinking. I will need counselling and many books to insure I stay nice and I started to make amends to all the people I have known. Thank you and yes yes yes I have subscribed
I'm dealing with this at work my cowkers had ,told my manger that I'm highly defensive to the point that I'm somewhat Rubbing ...them the "wrong way ."at the same time i've always getting lie on & Shut down by them so quickly , even tho they are also sensitive. but I'm the main problem I'm in tone with everyone else so I'll do feel quite left out from them.
@@jeromecastonguay it was to the point that I had a emotional breakdown my body was there but ,my mind had clock out a long time ago the work stress is starting to hit me hard especially working with a supervisor .who doesn't seem to care , i'm the one on a daily basis getting blamed & bully by them .
@@samueldystany it’s has not been to difficult so far. But in order to stay calm at every comment made around me I am alway working out n believing that all comments are good and helpful however it sounds. That the people around me like and love me and they may not be the best communicators but that’s how people speak and I need to decode it fast. It’s okay relax and breathe. I also listen to the video as often as I can to brain wash me to remember to not be defensive ever…
Oh, Dr. Les Carter ...you are amazing!...you have helped me enormously..over these last four yeas .at the time..45yrs of Domestic violence of my body and mind..Domestic.cruelty..Domestic neglect ....broken so many times...I have woken up..so to speak..still...so much healing ahead..but, I am getting there..slowly but surely..because of you!...huge appreciation of you!... ☺️🙌🏼
@ Dr. C and community… Before I forget, thank you for having Gus in this video. He has a calming presence for me. Yesterday I was in a situation that required me to show a friend my level of boundaries. It was the persons last day at work and I do not know this friend very well. This person wanted to say goodbye on his last day. That’s ok. What was uncomfortable for me is a full frontal hug. If it was said, can I hug you I could have been prepared. Instead of getting defensive with my boundaries, I said after his hug. “Here is how I hug my friends.” I hug my friends with a side hug yet only after asking if it is ok to hug back. I like to think that I am respectful of other peoples boundaries and my own. Additionally I am married and I have to live in this town. Not that I need to justify my actions but boundaries are important for a variety of reasons. Thank you 🤔❤️🇺🇸🌎✊😳
I have found that experience in handling unhealthy relationships sets me up for better handling others. Where I had to go no contact with my first narcissistic abuser (5 years on they're still trying to get me back; I'm gray-rock), that set me up to hold others at arms length. That gave me the ability to not be triggered by the explosive anger of the next. That was a revelation to watch their rant and at the end to say "you have a temper don't you?". I was astonished when he said yes. But I didn't stick around to explore, not my problem.
Just four minutes into this video and you have described my defensive nature perfectly. I detest being having my opinion or reasoning questioned. I am extremely territorial, and I hate being patronised. I recognise these traits in myself, but I often feel justified in my defensiveness.
Hello. I wanted to share a perspective. I definitely do not want to condone any type of unhealthy behavior, but I do think what can be missed a lot of time is empathy in understanding something about those who operate in this fashion. These actions that the defensive or controlling person is taking were born out of their own traumas, challenges, hurtful life situations, and coping skills they needed to develop in order to survive in the environment of their upbringing. It is their responsibility to own their actions and who they are and make the necessary changes in their life, but is not necessarily "their fault" that they developed these protective behaviors to guard their insecurities that they may not even be aware of yet. Just something to be perceived that I feel is not typically, readily seen or accepted. Having this understanding can really help you have empathy for their inadequacy, and to see that it's not personal, while setting the boundaries that you need to with them. 💚 Much love to you all as we seek to be better, more kind and loving people each day.
Commented before finishing video* Yes, someone I love with all of my soul. It's shocking how quickly things can go from a normal conversation, to a full on assualt and attack on your character. It's absolutely awful and disorienting to be on the receiving end of that vitriol. I don't feel like I have any option but to distance/disengage with love. So much easier said than done. There are some complicating factors added here, as far as my situation. I don't want things to be like this. Edited* I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you do for us. You are so appreciated. You have helped me with knowledge, understanding, empathy, honesty, consistency, and I feel I can confidently say, your huge heart of compassion. You have also given some comfort and rest to my soul. Your countenance is very comforting....like the best dad ever. Thank you Dr. C!💚💚
The most perplexing part of dealing with narcissist to me is how well they can "appear" to be reasonable caring human beings. How can they do that and yet it is all just an act? One peculiar thing I noticed about my narc AND his narc family is that they would belittle me and show me contempt for who I am and then they would start to copy me, as if they "took" my good qualities and gave me their bad ones. This defensive explanation, as do all of your videos, make the behavior of others so much clearer to me and just as important, how my behavior plays into it.
This is me , that’s why Im watching. I fear I’m narcissistic all the time. Thanks for this, listening intently now. Ok, edit. I’m defensive but only when people attack me or make me bad or wrong. I love talking things out and I am naturally very careful and decent to people. You’re the best Dr. Carter. UA-cam is a better place with you in it.
Oh, my! My ex started opening up all my mail. He threw away the things he didn’t think I needed to see, filed my financial information without me being able review it, nothing was exempt from his prying eyes. One day I returned home, and he had opened up a personal letter from a friend, told me my dentist said I needed some surgery, and he had thrown away some things I wanted to look at. I was always very aware that I had to approach any issue carefully. I said, “You know, M, I’d really prefer to open my own mail.” He said no, and I asked why not. He said because he was responsible for me. How? “We’ll, if you don’t pay your bills I could get sued.” I said that was an insult because I paid my bills, and it wasn’t true because we didn’t have any joint cc’s. He continued to say no, and exasperated,I said “Look M, I’m just trying to reason with you.” He said “I wouldn’t know reason if he shoved it up my rear end with a stick.” For several days, I drove home to pick it up, but he finally stopped. Now if I opened his mail there would have been hell to pay, but you can’t go tit for tat with a narcissist. There’s never a lightbulb moment. It’s always “different” if it concerns them.
Hello Nancy how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?
@@MarcoGuedes-r9h Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these *exact* same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, ***STOP** harassing women!!!
Hello beautiful how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?
@@MarcoGuedes-r9h Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these exact same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, **STOP* harassing women!!!
"Dropping the shock" as this has happened before...so true! I can get controlling with negative behaviors, but I am learning to state my case and leave it there. Thank you Dr. Carter as I always can relate, feel validated and learn something to improve.
I have a lot of issues with self-defensiveness but when I feel that emotional trigger pop up because that's what they do with me they pop up so what I do is take my nice deep breath and just pause chill ground myself in the energy of positivity as best I can if they're still yelling at you just keep looking inward and find that ground in your energy and wait when they stop say look I can't and won't let you into this part of myself I am grounded in my own positive energy and you can't get into it because Free Will is part of how we as individuals work through everything we have the freedom to act upon emotion or react to someone else's emotion thank you Dr c I greatly appreciate you and Gus if he kicks you take a hunk no we don't kick our babies do we heck no we love our babies give him a treat for me Dr c cuz he was a good boy this morning and to whoever reads this comment may you be grounded in your energy of positivity and love light energy say well everyone be safe
That’s my adult daughter!!!! I’ve looked into sooo many videos here and 🎯 this is it . We’ve been estranged since 2014 then I made the call about 2 months ago , one and a half months she said “ You come off as negative “ lol it was just sharing the day in the life of ME and my observations geeesh yeah and she doesn’t like me with a passion so, she did apologize 4 days later. I can’t go through this again.
It’s a toxic behavior. It’s bad for the calm party’s health. If the aggressive person doesn’t want to fix that problem, it’s time to get rid of the toxic problem.
❤ you are so so on point, some people close to me who I expressed what I like and dislike cross my boundaries to many times though I would never do it to them. I'm talking from my teenage years to adulthood. It's a lack of respect for my feelings, but I know where it comes from and expressed that they have to develop better social and emotional habits with themselves and others. Nothing I said worked so I'm on break now, however before I walked away "I put gasoline on the a fire" not literally but I exposed a really bad secret because 1. I knew that, like in the past, they would continue to negatively agitate me. Now I hope that they will never want to see me again for the rest of they're lives and mine. And I'm ready if they decide to try and reconnect.❤❤
This was genius, thank you so much for this. I'm actually currently dealing with it while I'm listening to this. And it's really helpful to hear this. And thank you so much. I'm driving. I'm a professional truck driver. And it's a lot of cars and a lot of truck drivers who are extremely defensive. I will merge lanes and they'll think I'm doing it to them. Which is kind of funny to me. Because obviously I'm just merging lanes because that's the route that I'm taking. But people act like it's the end of the world sometimes. Or, there's a bunch of truck drivers who are just so defensive and undermined and they just don't even trust anybody at all. And it's impossible to deal with them. So this was so freaking helpful because it actually allowed me to waive off several people in real-time while listening. Because even though I already knew this. Sometimes, when they get under your skin, they start attacking even harder. And you really just need an outside helping hand
This explains so much. Someone very close to me has tried her whole life to please her father and be the perfect daughter. She has done 99% of what he has expected from his children. Yet the man cannot bring himself to acknowledge it. Instead, he'd prefer to point out the two times in her life when she didn't do things just right. Needless to say, when she and I try to have conversations, I am regularly blindsided by her reactions to the most benign comments. It's getting to the point where I find it easier to never share my thoughts with her out of fear of how it might be received.
When a person like this is in management, it can cause a lot of problems. If there is an issue and just a statement is made, they can connect it to other complaints and feel that it is a complaint.
Oh yes, when I ask “what went on at work today”, (based on 3-4 text messages indicating bad day, feeling bad, I hate this job, blah, blah blah)! Next thing I knew he raised his voice & became defensive & angry⁉️ An argument followed! Needless to say after multiple scenarios throughout our relationship it was exhausting. I'm out of it now but you said it best!
I am unfortunately , living with someone just like this ! MY daughter... It doesn't matter what I do , its not really good enough or right .. I'm 76 and have put myself out many times to be helpful financially and otherwise..I cannot say what might start a accusatory situation , It is really anything.. The last time was about a week ago , and it descended into a verbal abuse like I haven't seen before.. I don't even know what really started this.. All is calm right now , but in the days following this outburst , I felt really shattered.. Walking on eggshells.. and sad beyond belief.... I 'm sure it will happen again... We are living together and I have no real hope of changing my situation.. I pay my way in rent , hydro and food.. I hate thinking about this..and I hate the thought of talking about it to anyone... I mean , How can anyone change this ?
I was in a similar situation and had to move out. Living with one of sisters now. It took a long time to heal from this tough and sad situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Start quietly looking into subsidized rent/housing. At 76 your probeley on retirement, see if there isn't anything the government can help you to move away from your daughter. I happen to have experienced this with mine, i see the destruction she tries to suck me into. Doesn't work anymore
Healthy boundaries and if you're on the phone w them and start being disrespectful and abusive....just hang up the phone and block them. Like most posters here...yes time to move.
My ex accused me of being defensive. I took it very seriously. It basically rendered me mute. I couldnt say anything without being accused of this. And i took it to heart. Then it was coupled with being negative judgmental competitive and a black and white thinker. I had all sorts of character flaws yet he would say every time he would say something i took it as a character flaw and would get so defensive
I've seen 2 people in my life deal with someone like this. They dealt in a way that impressed me so much. I just never could figure out how they pulled it off.
2 years out of being married to a narcissist and I find myself working beside a female version of him. I have overreacted to her need to control the most minute details of how I do my job. I needed to hear this lesson and recognize now my overreaction and feelings of, “Oh no…you will not treat ME this way!! I have taken that crap for far too long!” Ahhh, another learning curve 😩. Well, with God’s help I will learn this piece too. Thank you Dr. Carter 👍🏼🙏🏼!
I have this problem and I’m aware of it. I’ve been trying to be more aware and step back whenever I see myself getting defensive. It’s more interesting when I started to deal with people like me. I can see how hard it is to deal with highly defensive people, especially if you’re one yourself 😂. It’s a perfect formula for miscommunication, misunderstanding and conflict. Lately I’ve been very uncomfortable with a particular lady who works at the same office who exhibited all the signs mentioned. No matter what I said or did, she will turn on the defensive and attack mode and self-victimized in an aggressive style. The worst thing is she’s an African American lady who has been through stuffs in the past, as she told me once, and she stated she always knew that everyone in the office including her boss are racist and discriminated towards her. She told me she doesn’t like so and so when I first started working at this place. Ever since then I have been trying to stay on her good side and I’ve never done nothing to be on her bad list. But one thing I learned about people like this is you don’t have to do anything wrong and still be on their bad list. It made a lot of sense now when you mentioned “generalization”. I might have just been generalized by her to be in the same group with the people she disliked, who are “racist, stupid, lazy, piece of shit...” for unknown reasons. I’m trying very hard to maintain my calm with her and still be respectful. I know I’m not the most healthy one out there but the thing different between me and her is I’m aware of my flaw and willing to look at at objectively and work on it, versus for her, she’s fixed on that mindset and life style. I do not know if she is aware, although I can assume she is because I’ve heard people talked about how difficult it is to deal with her when she always so feisty and aggressive for no reasons at everything. So my guess is she has probably heard things about herself but she’s too stubborn to admit she needs to work on it. Some people, especially older and have been through challenges in life can be this way. Not saying all elderly are like that but this person I’m dealing with is one of them. Today I’ve learned that all I can do is accept that she’s like great and yes, stop being shocked and triggered and just do what I’m supposed to do. I’ll make room for her mistakes because she is not going to change and will do it again. I just need to take care of my business.
Again...thank you. This is the root of my problem right now. I do try to remain the calm logical one in this but if the other person remains almost hysterically defensive about silly misunderstandings and then digs in for more....what can you do? I have looked to myself here too, looking for my own defensive reactions. But calm, logical explanation and reason doesn't seem to work if the other won't even listen or digs in to their defence mode even harder to avoid losing face.
Once in a while the misrepresentation and actual lies that they tell to look good. One, he said it was his idea to take me to the hospital. Actually I had to say either take me or I'm taking the bus. Another is it was his idea to take the dog to the vet. I made a big deal out of spending my share on the vet bill.
I remember that one too. While being forced to remain bedridden instead of getting up again to look after my own infant daughter after he piled us all in the car to go visit his sister Terry. Instead He wanted to make sure that his side was doing all of the child care there so it was going to make me look like the crazy one after failing to bring me into town 5 days after giving birth and then getting a beating from him when I really did need to go there at the time the most. Instead it was someone else who drove me back into town while he was at work at first. Abd so instead after he made sure I was sent away with only sleeping pills thanks to all of his lies offered there after work next afer a trip to his sister's it was going to be His own 'heroic drive' to the hospital where he was assuming that he could for sure continue to look a lot like the hero of that song, "Son of a Preacher Man" - in public once again.
Thank you very much for your great advice, Doc. oh, I've been wondering what your pooch's name is, Gus seems like a good buddy. I love that he's welcome to lie in the easy chair.
Dr. Carter I have noticed that some people who are covert narcissists only act defensive in a far more underhanded way making some people feel like they do not dare show any kind of personal creativity around them and they do not dare show any kind of difference of opinion than theirs no matter how small. If that person is a professor in a class you have paid tuition for past the first week or when that is a required course that is only offered once a year by that same professor whom was recommended by the chair of the program to you well then your best decision making process is going to be making each of your decisions to be blending in like a grey rock with the rest of the students until graduating from that program of study only if it is your last option when it comes to finishing a college or university education. If that is a nurse who is supposed to be caring for you well then that is a whole lot tougher situation for you to be coping with.
@@DrLesCarter Frustrating when watching people die while their sheltered for their whole life relatives with the same problem do nothing to get them away from that sort of thing after they can no longer speak for themselves.
This one kind of hits it home😲 Its also priceless. I sent this one to one of my sisters who co- shares this learned negative familial trait of high defensiveness. Since my mom died earlier this year, well let's just say there is no umpire for the game that gets played when we engage. This presentation so tells it like it is and I let her know that the reason that I chose to send this and introduce her to Dr C its because he is a masterful builder of character. Makes a person want to do better. I like to think she's opening and reading what I send, I never know cuz she never reports back but I will be able to tell if there's any modification in her behavior I'm sure going to work on mine thanks doctor C if you see this thank you
Whenever I try to talk to my stbx about anything of consequence, he always says, "I didn't do anything wrong" and immediately starts attacking my character and making false accusations. He hears criticism in everything- even when there is none. We cannot have adult conversations.
how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?
@@MarcoGuedes-r9h Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these exact same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, **STOP* harassing women!!!
My son is that way! However, he suffered brain damage in a road rage and I watch not to get him go off on me. No matter what we talk about, he is always the know it all so I just keep quiet. He used to be the sweetest young man.
They respond immediately with defense, because they assume/infer that anything/everything you say is meant as an attack against them. They fear being in the wrong & being called out. They're always prepared to fight that, even if it's not happening.
@Mysticat. Agree with you. Adding to your line of thought I can say that defensiveness echoes fear and insecurity. As Dr. Carter stated, those individuals carry several psychological ailments and have been invalidated in previous relationships. That can be interpreted as a painful history of a restricted, unhealthy emotional development. For some, such defensiveness is an indicator of a paranoid personality disorder.
Yes..this
@mysticat7652 - The next layer to what you stated is they actually create a picture of you in there head thats the complete opposite of who you are. Once they do this they lose respect for you & theres no limits to the disrespect towards you they will justify. Defensiveness on the level you mentioned where they ASSUME instead of LISTENING is so destructive to a non-defensive well meaning person.
I think it also has to do with fear and anger.
Yup. Sad way to live. Just leave those people alone so they don’t suck you in.
It's so annoying dealing with a defensive person. You can't be yourself.
True. And the minute that you are yourself at a place where he is not the center of attention instead of someone else there then later look out for not having done your job for him well enough.
Lisa DiConti, You can't be yourself if you're a straight shooter. They'll be very threatened by that, since their whole way of operating is subterranean.
Hello Lisa how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?
@@MarcoGuedes-r9h Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these exact same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, **STOP* harassing women!!!
Nope my partner does not accept me she is used to long term partners that doesn’t shake up the apple cart but me if u do this to me it’s not okay
To my narcissist defensive husband “talk” is a four-letter word. Any effort at talk deeper than superficial is met with defensiveness.
Same here! Left the narc so he can get defensive with himself all by himself.
Wow! So true…Same here
May God find you a real husband.
Yep Heaven for bid you have a tone of your voice that would upset them cause them to just get all riled up Yes he goes around closing all the windows so he can scream F you to me about 50 times in my face I'm so sick of it
Get Rid Of Him !
Go “ NO CONTACT “ ;
And, “ DON’T 👀 BACK “ !!
Once you've been shut down so many times over nothing you just get defensive at most everything. Its exhausting being overrulled and corrected all of the darn time. When you have not figured out yet that the other person is a narcissist, we just keep on trying to be heard!!!
Very accurate!!!
That’s a moment of realization that it’s time to stop 🛑 trying to be heard by people who don’t care what you have to say. It’s THEIR loss. The moments will grow lesser in time & eventually you may choose to wait until someone asks you a direct question. It’s a peaceful way to go through life.
You just described my life with every single word used! I'm trying to keep silent but am not winning the battle! Some has been extremely abusive (verbal) but it's constant and I never know what will set him off. Others think he is very charming yet don't know his comments about them. I wish the signs had made an impact on the 20 year old idiot I was back then. Never should have married him! Just thinking about it set off anxiety.
@Mary Carroll Exactly!! Boy how I know this to be true!
@Mary Carroll It’s a wearing down isn’t it? .…and yes, we don’t have healthy conversations anymore. That’s long gone,sadly …only brief conversations out of necessity. 🕊
Never ending criticism has put me in a permanent defensive mode. When I notice that I am too defensive, I remind myself that life is not a competition, as almost every narcissist tries to teach you.
My aunt has that life is a competition mindset still, and she is in her 70’s. Growing up around that, I used to think like that. Now I just keep it groovy indeed. We are going to be just fine @mehmet.
It's so hard not to get sucked in. At some point, you have to remind yourself that the last 1,000 times you tried to defend yourself to the narcissist, it didn't bring satisfaction, and your next effort to defend is not likely to break the trend. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter righteousness, I appreciate you and your help. I Wish y’all Much Peace”
@@DrLesCarter That's so right and I appreciate you pointing that out. You're certainly a part of my path to heal and I've learned a lot from your very helpful videos which can be easily integrated in everdays life. Thank you Dr. C 👍😃
@@OJMCFLY Thank you for your anectode and encouragment. It's always nice to hear from others on their path out of the narcissists distorted reality.
Dr.Carter , being Civil with a Narc is quite a challenge ...I prefer NO CONTACT 👍👍👍😂
I get what you're saying. And I don't disagree. Dr. C
It is totally not possible
There's no point in trying to be civil with them because they are just plain nasty.
@@davidhinkson8856 ....they certainly are !!!
@@DrLesCarter What happens when two narcissistic people are in a relationship together.
I see myself getting into defensive mode as a result of my parents overstepping my boundaries. I’m working on a way to manage that more effectively. It’s so difficult.
Yes. My adult daughter is an only child. I regretfully and wrongly - micro managed her as a child,
And now even when it’s good feedback or advice - she has zero tolerance for my guidance. But I have told her. If I’m damaging for her confidence , which I hate to think I am….horrible for a parent to make my child feel bad ( my parents did it to me) but unlike my parents I want her to be happy and if that means spending less time with me she can stay away from me but will still inherit everything when I die.
keep trying, you ARE GROWING!
@@Kiwiwanderer parents that remove their child’s autonomy feel lost in the world. This is a toxic behavior that shows the lack of respect you showed her when little. Stop giving unsolicited advice. Period. Hopefully it isn’t too late.
They want it to be difficult; remember that! 💥💥💥MANIPULATION💥💥💥
So what are the steps a person can use to heal from this behavior that stems from parents overstepping boundaries?
Dr. Carter’s words are gold. So very important; I’ve lived it. Drink in all his advice; it’s life changing. 🕊
I agree!
@@dawnbailey1132 Hi sweet friend; I hope you & yours are very well. 🕊🙏👋
@@butterflylove2642 I've missed "chatting" with you. I wish things here were better. My daughter has been very ill so I've been holding down the fort and looking after my 3 granddaughters. She still doesn't have a diagnosis and they're waiting for the Lyme disease results. She's a widow and I live with them. Everything is complicated it seems. Sorry for venting. I'm tired and have a headache after spending almost 3
Hours entering a delivery grocery order...and I'm not even done! I've thought of you many times and wondered if you and your precious one are okay. Don't you just love the Dr. Les Carter channel? Gotta go handle stuff. Let me know how it's going, okay?
Thanks so much...keep learning! Dr. C
@@dawnbailey1132 Very nice to hear from you, Dawn! Yes, for sure, the good Lord plus @Dr. Les Carter (and his books) have saved me through a very, very, difficult chapter of my life. I still praise God for Dr. Carter & for the Lord directing me to his UA-cam channel, here, to educate me & to make sense of all the steadily increasing turmoil & chaos of
my marriage that sadly began quite soon after we were married decades ago.
Because of Dr. Carter’s exceptional teaching, I have changed the way I think & react. I can breathe better now. Healthy boundaries & grey rocking sadly had to be put in motion, though, in order to cope with, and deflect the abuse, but have indeed been life changing in a positive way thanks to Dr. Carter’s illuminating my mind.
I am so very sorry to learn of your daughter’s illness. I have just lifted her up to the Lord for healing, and I will continue prayers for her. Are you all still in the lovely “sunshine state?”
Dawn, if this helps, may I also share w/ you that 5 years ago I was battling 3 serious physical illnesses (besides coping w/ my husband’s severe malignant NPD). It’s a wonder I survived…well, by God, alone, for sure.
I told myself that my medical diagnosis’s were “unacceptable.” I dove straight in to additional serious research; research, this time, on the health of the human body, & how the Standard American Diet is prematurely killing countless individuals every day.
I gave up every bit of meat, all dairy, eggs & seafood…plus, I do not add salt, oil, or ‘processed’ sugar to my home cooking like I used to. Yes, quite severe changes to embrace. However, by the grace of God, I reversed ALL 3 diseases & lost 60 pounds in the process; I praise Him!
It’s a blessing to eat all kinds of raw fruits & veggies plus ‘cooked’ plant foods, too i.e. beans, rice, other whole grains, hearty oats & all types of potatoes.
Must include that all of our children switched to eating this way, but my husband became seriously enraged that we should choose such an “anti-Biblical” way of eating! That’s a whole other long story of course, but we held firm to our newly adopted food choices back then. I have continued to cook “old school style” meals every day for my husband-because that is ‘his choice.’
I realize that eating this “total plants” way will not cure every single serious disease in the world, and I believe that God holds the number of each of our days. But by His power, and by His plan, the drastic, yet simple, food changes, cured my 3 life-threatening diseases. I am so grateful to my Creator for healing me, because now I am, prayerfully, allowed to live longer to take care of our precious son.
Perhaps once your daughter gets her diagnosis she might consider researching a Whole-Foods “plant way” of eating. Been reading that many 80 year old vegans are reversing various diseases, moving about like 40 year olds & many even involved with serious weightlifting. I haven’t gotten into that, yet…but I’m tempted. 😁
I learned that eating meat & dairy make the human body ‘acidic’ & cancer cells love & thrive in an acidic environment. Plants make the body ‘alkaline’ & cancer cells have a tough time surviving in an alkaline state.
Like Hippocrates said, “Let food be thy medicine & medicine be thy food.” For my mental health, I follow Dr. Carter.
For my physical health, I follow plant based MDs and have been astounded with my improved health plus (almost effortless) weight loss. With my special needs son to care for, I do not have the luxury of going to a gym.
Being originally from the Deep South eating all kinds of meat -all day long, prepared all kinds of ways (but primarily FRIED) it honestly took only 5 days for my taste buds to “reset.”
So thankful to God that this particular way of eating, which apparently contains so much naturally occurring nitric oxide, has physically strengthened my heart & mind to deal w/ my husband’s unfortunate mental condition.
Dawn, I am praying for your daughter’s excellent health to return, for your own good strength & health, & for you all to have a very blessed summer.
My sincere apologies for going on & on.
I won’t bring up this topic again. Just thought that if there’s something I could share that might possibly help someone else, I wanted to share…sort of in the same, caring, way that Dr. Carter shares & teaches us about Narcissism.🕊✝️👋🌱❤️
We all fall short. We aren't perfect. I think the pandemic has revealed the extent of human cruelty and defensiveness. Family members have been torn apart. Death isn't the only way family members can be devastated. A narcissist just compounds the problem. Sometimes keeping quiet and learning to pick your battles, is the only way to survive and to keep your own sanity.
@dhall2553 , I agree with you. Seems you've arrived at a balanced perspective. I'm working on the same. No one should feel that they must submit to verbal whippings, but if a verbal warrior is used to a person accepting it, as soon as you stop allowing it, they will see you as being very stubborn and difficult, won't they? Right, don't be silenced or flustered. You may have to become emotionally detached from such types of people.
So true. Sometimes I accidentally step on qanon believing family members toes. It is exhausting.
@dhall2553 - “You don’t get to talk to me like that.” Then walk away… I saw a woman say this to my father. 🤭🤭🤭
Hello Marie how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?
@Mary Carroll Mary I would love to know you! Am also single send me a message if you do not mind!
Yup. I just say to myself "Wait. Did I really think that this was supposed to be the magical day that she WOULDN'T be defensive 🤔?"
It's taken me years to not want to be defensive!
I grew up with family members that are so reactive and feeble most of the time that they're like shrieking banshees with their knee-jerk, hair-trigger responses. It fostered high levels of anxiety, avoidance and PTSD-like symptoms in me that changed who I was in a very negative way. Over time, that toxic environment became the dojo that I needed to train in to work toward becoming a master. For years, the word "balance" was on my mind. I would challenge myself to keep my energy level very, very centered. This practice retrained my brain and I became less reactive in response and was able to maintain my composure without being drawn into the hysterics. I did not numb myself out and still remained highly alert, feeling and sensing, which I believe is an incredibly healthy way to be. I manage my energy and avoid negative environments that will not be fruitful and will drain me unnecessarily. It's not been an easy path, but it has made me all the stronger. I do believe that no-contact is necessary to ultimately heal, purge and move forward. Have a wonderful weekend, everybody.
Really great comment to give pause for serious thought. Like the Other Side of Bruce Lee training, eh?
This is so interesting. Thank you for sharing your way of managing your mind. I believe systems like the one you have found for yourself are the key to interacting with people in the best possible way. All the best to you.
Anonymous Anomaly, That sounds balanced to me. Reminds me of the book "The Way of the Peaceful Warrior". I read that years ago, and thought it was very obtuse at the time - didn't really "get it" until now, with recent awareness of difficult personality types. Best of luck as you stay centered! 🙂💡💪
@@Gigilamer , "Managing your mind" is a good way of putting it, or as a friend of mine calls it, "fixing your inner game."
I have often felt the same. I am now clear-headed, able to keep my composure in almost every situation, and know what I want and how to communicate it to others. The problem is those whose claws are dug deep into the fabric of my life, and no matter what I do, they keep dragging me back down. They're tyrants. I'm now at the stage where I want to leave from them, however, the leaving seems more difficult than the self discipline has been.
After 40 years of this...I am tired and tired of the shenanigans. It's so stressful!
Jk: are you the 'she' to his 'nanigans'
I found that years of this I’ve turned into them as it’s been a grind. I will take note to get back to the old me.
Hello swan how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?
@@MarcoGuedes-r9h Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these exact same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, **STOP* harassing women!!!
@@MarcoGuedes-r9hWhat better place for a weasel to lure his victims. Go away!
It's easy to become defensive when we are worried about what others think of us. When we don't care if others like us but are dedicated to obeying God only we are free to be ourselves without worry about losing someone's love. We love people but we don't need to be loved by others because Christ loves us, we can be authentic without fear.
I had a nasty conversation a few days ago and since then tried to make sense out of it. I wasn't able to figure out what happened. Thank you for this video. I can better understand now what was going on. What a relief. I made my mistakes but am not as guilty and awful as accused. Again: thank you 👍🏻🙏🏻🤗
This defensiveness is a reflection of their unhappiness with themselves and their lives. I know someone who is only happy when they find conflict somewhere and want to talk about it endlessly.
Sometimes the overly defensive behavior is a method that they use to avoid being accountable for their bad behaviors.
Tips on how to successfully communicate with one who instantly jumps on the defense are greatly appreciated. A deeper understanding of why this happens in their minds really helps. Thank you Dr Les.
The Four Horsemen in a conflict discussions. You need to identify and eliminate them. Replace it by using healthy and productive arguments and clear communication patterns. Conquest, war, hunger, and death. This metaphor to describe communication styles that can predict the end of any relationship.
Conquest always starts by stealth first. At first by making you believe that it is only just joking around which slowly over time day by day will have more and more bizarre low hanging fruit falling from that sort of tree in the background there as a result until you can sense that another one of their grandiose conquest moves is about to happen next again.
"Disagree, agreeably". I love it!
Thank you, Dr Carter.
Something I'm working on as a human
I love team healthy! Your work is greatly appreciated Dr. Carter 🙂
Thanks, Christina...Stick with us on Team Healthy! Dr. C
Always a pleasure to listen to you, Dr. C. Thank you for another thoughtful video.
Gus is lollygagging in the background... His "defensive posture" looks wonderfully relaxed... :)
The excessive impulses and emotions make us making mistakes in forming a judgment about people and different situations. Common sense helps us to recognize our wrong actions. Healthy thinking is "anti-poison" to strong emotions, because such emotions can lead us to "wrong road". It is sometimes really difficult to separate us from our excessive emotions which do harm us. Dr. Carter, thanks for this video ! It was worthy of hearing.
Great advice, Gus is really cute!
Gus looks happy and relaxed. 👍
Great video,I just realized that at 62 that I am that highly defensive person. My behaviour has never been checked and I have always pushed people away going back to my earliest memories. This stops now. I intended to treat myself like a recovering alcoholic and never again think and use negative attack thinking. I will need counselling and many books to insure I stay nice and I started to make amends to all the people I have known. Thank you and yes yes yes I have subscribed
I'm dealing with this at work my cowkers had ,told my manger that I'm highly defensive to the point that I'm somewhat Rubbing ...them the "wrong way ."at the same time i've always getting lie on & Shut down by them so quickly , even tho they are also sensitive. but I'm the main problem I'm in tone with everyone else so I'll do feel quite left out from them.
@@samueldystany now that I know of my condition I have changed my life. I breathe and take steps so that I do not get into that trap. Happy days
@@jeromecastonguay it was to the point that I had a emotional breakdown my body was there but ,my mind had clock out a long time ago the work stress is starting to hit me hard especially working with a supervisor .who doesn't seem to care , i'm the one on a daily basis getting blamed & bully by them .
@@samueldystany it’s has not been to difficult so far. But in order to stay calm at every comment made around me I am alway working out n believing that all comments are good and helpful however it sounds. That the people around me like and love me and they may not be the best communicators but that’s how people speak and I need to decode it fast. It’s okay relax and breathe. I also listen to the video as often as I can to brain wash me to remember to not be defensive ever…
Oh, Dr. Les Carter ...you are amazing!...you have helped me enormously..over these last four yeas .at the time..45yrs of Domestic violence of my body and mind..Domestic.cruelty..Domestic neglect ....broken so many times...I have woken up..so to speak..still...so much healing ahead..but, I am getting there..slowly but surely..because of you!...huge appreciation of you!...
☺️🙌🏼
Thanks, Yvonne. I spent 6 years doing volunteer work at a local women's shelter, so I've heard many stories there. My heart goes out to you. Dr. C
@ Dr. C and community… Before I forget, thank you for having Gus in this video. He has a calming presence for me. Yesterday I was in a situation that required me to show a friend my level of boundaries. It was the persons last day at work and I do not know this friend very well. This person wanted to say goodbye on his last day. That’s ok. What was uncomfortable for me is a full frontal hug. If it was said, can I hug you I could have been prepared. Instead of getting defensive with my boundaries, I said after his hug. “Here is how I hug my friends.” I hug my friends with a side hug yet only after asking if it is ok to hug back. I like to think that I am respectful of other peoples boundaries and my own. Additionally I am married and I have to live in this town. Not that I need to justify my actions but boundaries are important for a variety of reasons. Thank you 🤔❤️🇺🇸🌎✊😳
I have found that experience in handling unhealthy relationships sets me up for better handling others. Where I had to go no contact with my first narcissistic abuser (5 years on they're still trying to get me back; I'm gray-rock), that set me up to hold others at arms length. That gave me the ability to not be triggered by the explosive anger of the next. That was a revelation to watch their rant and at the end to say "you have a temper don't you?". I was astonished when he said yes. But I didn't stick around to explore, not my problem.
Have a beautiful day Dr. Carter, thank you for all your videos, you always bring peace🪶
Very pleasant thoughts, PhoenixBG. Dr. C
Just four minutes into this video and you have described my defensive nature perfectly. I detest being having my opinion or reasoning questioned. I am extremely territorial, and I hate being patronised. I recognise these traits in myself, but I often feel justified in my defensiveness.
Thank you Dr.Carter! The videos & webinars have truly been a blessing- team healthy🤗
Thanks, Saletta! Dr. C
Hello. I wanted to share a perspective. I definitely do not want to condone any type of unhealthy behavior, but I do think what can be missed a lot of time is empathy in understanding something about those who operate in this fashion. These actions that the defensive or controlling person is taking were born out of their own traumas, challenges, hurtful life situations, and coping skills they needed to develop in order to survive in the environment of their upbringing. It is their responsibility to own their actions and who they are and make the necessary changes in their life, but is not necessarily "their fault" that they developed these protective behaviors to guard their insecurities that they may not even be aware of yet. Just something to be perceived that I feel is not typically, readily seen or accepted. Having this understanding can really help you have empathy for their inadequacy, and to see that it's not personal, while setting the boundaries that you need to with them. 💚 Much love to you all as we seek to be better, more kind and loving people each day.
thank you for trying to increase understanding and empathy.
literally wake up n listen to Dr C each morning.. 😊
Thank you Dr. Carter! Going to work on disagreeing agreeably! Will try to stay in reality!
Easier said than done, but it CAN be done! Dr. C
Commented before finishing video*
Yes, someone I love with all of my soul. It's shocking how quickly things can go from a normal conversation, to a full on assualt and attack on your character. It's absolutely awful and disorienting to be on the receiving end of that vitriol. I don't feel like I have any option but to distance/disengage with love. So much easier said than done. There are some complicating factors added here, as far as my situation. I don't want things to be like this.
Edited* I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for everything you do for us. You are so appreciated.
You have helped me with knowledge, understanding, empathy, honesty, consistency, and I feel I can confidently say, your huge heart of compassion. You have also given some comfort and rest to my soul. Your countenance is very comforting....like the best dad ever.
Thank you Dr. C!💚💚
The most perplexing part of dealing with narcissist to me is how well they can "appear" to be reasonable caring human beings. How can they do that and yet it is all just an act? One peculiar thing I noticed about my narc AND his narc family is that they would belittle me and show me contempt for who I am and then they would start to copy me, as if they "took" my good qualities and gave me their bad ones. This defensive explanation, as do all of your videos, make the behavior of others so much clearer to me and just as important, how my behavior plays into it.
Your videos are a godsend! Thanks so very much!
This is me , that’s why Im watching. I fear I’m narcissistic all the time. Thanks for this, listening intently now.
Ok, edit. I’m defensive but only when people attack me or make me bad or wrong. I love talking things out and I am naturally very careful and decent to people.
You’re the best Dr. Carter. UA-cam is a better place with you in it.
Thanks so much, Jody. Keep learning! Dr. C
Gus is back! So nice to see. Great message too. Thanks.
So much ❤️ you always put me back on track Dr. Carter, thank you!
Oh, my! My ex started opening up all my mail. He threw away the things he didn’t think I needed to see, filed my financial information without me being able review it, nothing was exempt from his prying eyes. One day I returned home, and he had opened up a personal letter from a friend, told me my dentist said I needed some surgery, and he had thrown away some things I wanted to look at. I was always very aware that I had to approach any issue carefully. I said, “You know, M, I’d really prefer to open my own mail.” He said no, and I asked why not. He said because he was responsible for me. How? “We’ll, if you don’t pay your bills I could get sued.” I said that was an insult because I paid my bills, and it wasn’t true because we didn’t have any joint cc’s. He continued to say no, and exasperated,I said “Look M, I’m just trying to reason with you.” He said “I wouldn’t know reason if he shoved it up my rear end with a stick.” For several days, I drove home to pick it up, but he finally stopped. Now if I opened his mail there would have been hell to pay, but you can’t go tit for tat with a narcissist. There’s never a lightbulb moment. It’s always “different” if it concerns them.
Hello Nancy how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?
@@MarcoGuedes-r9h Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these *exact* same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, ***STOP** harassing women!!!
I was about to say you should run then I saw you started with my ex
Your advice is invaluable. Thank you dr Carter. You have been incredible support for me. Decency and goodness and respect.
So pleased, Iza. Dr. C
Eye opening. Thank you
Hello beautiful how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?
@@MarcoGuedes-r9h Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these exact same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, **STOP* harassing women!!!
"Dropping the shock" as this has happened before...so true! I can get controlling with negative behaviors, but I am learning to state my case and leave it there. Thank you Dr. Carter as I always can relate, feel validated and learn something to improve.
I have a lot of issues with self-defensiveness but when I feel that emotional trigger pop up because that's what they do with me they pop up so what I do is take my nice deep breath and just pause chill ground myself in the energy of positivity as best I can if they're still yelling at you just keep looking inward and find that ground in your energy and wait when they stop say look I can't and won't let you into this part of myself I am grounded in my own positive energy and you can't get into it because Free Will is part of how we as individuals work through everything we have the freedom to act upon emotion or react to someone else's emotion thank you Dr c I greatly appreciate you and Gus if he kicks you take a hunk no we don't kick our babies do we heck no we love our babies give him a treat for me Dr c cuz he was a good boy this morning and to whoever reads this comment may you be grounded in your energy of positivity and love light energy say well everyone be safe
They LOVE when they shock you .... they think it's funny . The more horrific ...the better !! 😳😳😳
They are twisted. Sickos. I do animal rescue, and I see this a lot.
@@chinookvalley ....How absolutely horrible for you 💔
My husband will find offense in minutiae of my choice of word or he’ll accuse me of a tone that sounds some way, etc. it’s absolutely exhausting!
You’re so awesome, Dr. Carter! Thanks so much for your guidance and encouragement! It’s helped me so much!!! Have a great Father’s Day!
I didn't know that I have this disorder, the worst was when I got paired with a person who also had this disorder.
They are more impenetrable ❤️ then Fort Knox 💰
So true! 😂🤣
I am always the scapegoat for my wife and daughter.
That’s my adult daughter!!!! I’ve looked into sooo many videos here and 🎯 this is it . We’ve been estranged since 2014 then I made the call about 2 months ago , one and a half months she said “ You come off as negative “ lol it was just sharing the day in the life of ME and my observations geeesh yeah and she doesn’t like me with a passion so, she did apologize 4 days later. I can’t go through this again.
It’s a toxic behavior. It’s bad for the calm party’s health. If the aggressive person doesn’t want to fix that problem, it’s time to get rid of the toxic problem.
Doc. This is one of the best ones yet. Thank you so much.
This is so helpful specially during times like these when people react instead of listening and paying attention. Dr. Carter is based!
Thank you for this wonderful video. Will come back to this from time to time. All great suggestions.
❤ you are so so on point, some people close to me who I expressed what I like and dislike cross my boundaries to many times though I would never do it to them. I'm talking from my teenage years to adulthood. It's a lack of respect for my feelings, but I know where it comes from and expressed that they have to develop better social and emotional habits with themselves and others. Nothing I said worked so I'm on break now, however before I walked away "I put gasoline on the a fire" not literally but I exposed a really bad secret because 1. I knew that, like in the past, they would continue to negatively agitate me. Now I hope that they will never want to see me again for the rest of they're lives and mine. And I'm ready if they decide to try and reconnect.❤❤
Thank you so much for all your amazing insights! Being round someone who is catastrophizing is exhausting!
This was genius, thank you so much for this. I'm actually currently dealing with it while I'm listening to this. And it's really helpful to hear this. And thank you so much. I'm driving. I'm a professional truck driver. And it's a lot of cars and a lot of truck drivers who are extremely defensive. I will merge lanes and they'll think I'm doing it to them. Which is kind of funny to me. Because obviously I'm just merging lanes because that's the route that I'm taking. But people act like it's the end of the world sometimes. Or, there's a bunch of truck drivers who are just so defensive and undermined and they just don't even trust anybody at all. And it's impossible to deal with them. So this was so freaking helpful because it actually allowed me to waive off several people in real-time while listening. Because even though I already knew this. Sometimes, when they get under your skin, they start attacking even harder. And you really just need an outside helping hand
This explains so much. Someone very close to me has tried her whole life to please her father and be the perfect daughter. She has done 99% of what he has expected from his children. Yet the man cannot bring himself to acknowledge it. Instead, he'd prefer to point out the two times in her life when she didn't do things just right. Needless to say, when she and I try to have conversations, I am regularly blindsided by her reactions to the most benign comments. It's getting to the point where I find it easier to never share my thoughts with her out of fear of how it might be received.
When a person like this is in management, it can cause a lot of problems. If there is an issue and just a statement is made, they can connect it to other complaints and feel that it is a complaint.
Hello dawn how are you?
Oh yes, when I ask “what went on at work today”, (based on 3-4 text messages indicating bad day, feeling bad, I hate this job, blah, blah blah)! Next thing I knew he raised his voice & became defensive & angry⁉️ An argument followed! Needless to say after multiple scenarios throughout our relationship it was exhausting. I'm out of it now but you said it best!
Oh not being defensive has been mastered with everyone but with me. So far you are the most informative video I have found.
My mother likes to mix it up - defensive, offensive or straight out …attack.
💎🦢💙🦋😇🦋💙🦢💎thank you for this!
I am unfortunately , living with someone just like this ! MY daughter... It doesn't matter what I do , its not really good enough or right .. I'm 76 and have put myself out many times to be helpful financially and otherwise..I cannot say what might start a accusatory situation , It is really anything.. The last time was about a week ago , and it descended into a verbal abuse like I haven't seen before.. I don't even know what really started this.. All is calm right now , but in the days following this outburst , I felt really shattered.. Walking on eggshells.. and sad beyond belief.... I 'm sure it will happen again... We are living together and I have no real hope of changing my situation.. I pay my way in rent , hydro and food.. I hate thinking about this..and I hate the thought of talking about it to anyone... I mean , How can anyone change this ?
I feel for you Anne. x
I was in a similar situation and had to move out. Living with one of sisters now. It took a long time to heal from this tough and sad situation. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Start quietly looking into subsidized rent/housing. At 76 your probeley on retirement, see if there isn't anything the government can help you to move away from your daughter. I happen to have experienced this with mine, i see the destruction she tries to suck me into. Doesn't work anymore
Will pray for you Anne! I also live in a similar situation!
Healthy boundaries and if you're on the phone w them and start being disrespectful and abusive....just hang up the phone and block them. Like most posters here...yes time to move.
Im highly defensive and just started working on it. Thanks for this info doc.
My ex accused me of being defensive. I took it very seriously. It basically rendered me mute. I couldnt say anything without being accused of this. And i took it to heart. Then it was coupled with being negative judgmental competitive and a black and white thinker. I had all sorts of character flaws yet he would say every time he would say something i took it as a character flaw and would get so defensive
33 years from my husband his mother and three sisters I have PTSD from dealing with this
Good morning Dr.Carter 🌞
Good evening, Patty! Dr. C
Aw Gus!
Great topic, Dr. Carter! Both my siblings are often incredibly defensive. It's good to understand that behavior and know how to handle it. Thank you!
I've seen 2 people in my life deal with someone like this. They dealt in a way that impressed me so much. I just never could figure out how they pulled it off.
Thank you for your kind words. I always feel better after listening to you.
2 years out of being married to a narcissist and I find myself working beside a female version of him. I have overreacted to her need to control the most minute details of how I do my job. I needed to hear this lesson and recognize now my overreaction and feelings of, “Oh no…you will not treat ME this way!! I have taken that crap for far too long!” Ahhh, another learning curve 😩. Well, with God’s help I will learn this piece too. Thank you Dr. Carter 👍🏼🙏🏼!
1. Check your own attitude.
2. Are your in a mode to control?
3. Don't be shocked with their defensive attitude
4. Stay logical.
I have this problem and I’m aware of it. I’ve been trying to be more aware and step back whenever I see myself getting defensive. It’s more interesting when I started to deal with people like me. I can see how hard it is to deal with highly defensive people, especially if you’re one yourself 😂. It’s a perfect formula for miscommunication, misunderstanding and conflict. Lately I’ve been very uncomfortable with a particular lady who works at the same office who exhibited all the signs mentioned. No matter what I said or did, she will turn on the defensive and attack mode and self-victimized in an aggressive style. The worst thing is she’s an African American lady who has been through stuffs in the past, as she told me once, and she stated she always knew that everyone in the office including her boss are racist and discriminated towards her. She told me she doesn’t like so and so when I first started working at this place. Ever since then I have been trying to stay on her good side and I’ve never done nothing to be on her bad list. But one thing I learned about people like this is you don’t have to do anything wrong and still be on their bad list. It made a lot of sense now when you mentioned “generalization”. I might have just been generalized by her to be in the same group with the people she disliked, who are “racist, stupid, lazy, piece of shit...” for unknown reasons. I’m trying very hard to maintain my calm with her and still be respectful. I know I’m not the most healthy one out there but the thing different between me and her is I’m aware of my flaw and willing to look at at objectively and work on it, versus for her, she’s fixed on that mindset and life style. I do not know if she is aware, although I can assume she is because I’ve heard people talked about how difficult it is to deal with her when she always so feisty and aggressive for no reasons at everything. So my guess is she has probably heard things about herself but she’s too stubborn to admit she needs to work on it. Some people, especially older and have been through challenges in life can be this way. Not saying all elderly are like that but this person I’m dealing with is one of them. Today I’ve learned that all I can do is accept that she’s like great and yes, stop being shocked and triggered and just do what I’m supposed to do. I’ll make room for her mistakes because she is not going to change and will do it again. I just need to take care of my business.
Again...thank you. This is the root of my problem right now. I do try to remain the calm logical one in this but if the other person remains almost hysterically defensive about silly misunderstandings and then digs in for more....what can you do? I have looked to myself here too, looking for my own defensive reactions. But calm, logical explanation and reason doesn't seem to work if the other won't even listen or digs in to their defence mode even harder to avoid losing face.
Once in a while the misrepresentation and actual lies that they tell to look
good. One, he said it was his idea to take me to the hospital. Actually I had
to say either take me or I'm taking the bus. Another is it was his idea to take
the dog to the vet. I made a big deal out of spending my share on the vet bill.
I remember that one too. While being forced to remain bedridden instead of getting up again to look after my own infant daughter after he piled us all in the car to go visit his sister Terry. Instead He wanted to make sure that his side was doing all of the child care there so it was going to make me look like the crazy one after failing to bring me into town 5 days after giving birth and then getting a beating from him when I really did need to go there at the time the most. Instead it was someone else who drove me back into town while he was at work at first. Abd so instead after he made sure I was sent away with only sleeping pills thanks to all of his lies offered there after work next afer a trip to his sister's it was going to be His own 'heroic drive' to the hospital where he was assuming that he could for sure continue to look a lot like the hero of that song, "Son of a Preacher Man" - in public once again.
Thank you very much for your great advice, Doc. oh, I've been wondering what your pooch's name is, Gus seems like a good buddy. I love that he's welcome to lie in the easy chair.
This video was literally perfect, thank you, Dr
Dr. Carter I have noticed that some people who are covert narcissists only act defensive in a far more underhanded way making some people feel like they do not dare show any kind of personal creativity around them and they do not dare show any kind of difference of opinion than theirs no matter how small. If that person is a professor in a class you have paid tuition for past the first week or when that is a required course that is only offered once a year by that same professor whom was recommended by the chair of the program to you well then your best decision making process is going to be making each of your decisions to be blending in like a grey rock with the rest of the students until graduating from that program of study only if it is your last option when it comes to finishing a college or university education. If that is a nurse who is supposed to be caring for you well then that is a whole lot tougher situation for you to be coping with.
Yes, good that you can spot it since coverts are often more coy and subtle about it. Dr. C
@@DrLesCarter Frustrating when watching people die while their sheltered for their whole life relatives with the same problem do nothing to get them away from that sort of thing after they can no longer speak for themselves.
Thank you Dr C : )
My wife stays agitated. Always defensive with me.
Gus is back! Yeah!
This is Really helpful, Les. Thank you!
This one kind of hits it home😲
Its also priceless.
I sent this one to one of my sisters who co- shares this learned negative familial trait of high defensiveness. Since my mom died earlier this year, well let's just say there is no umpire for the game that gets played when we engage. This presentation so tells it like it is and I let her know that the reason that I chose to send this and introduce her to Dr C its because he is a masterful builder of character. Makes a person want to do better.
I like to think she's opening and reading what I send, I never know cuz she never reports back but I will be able to tell if there's any modification in her behavior I'm sure going to work on mine thanks doctor C if you see this thank you
Sometimes sending this information to the wrong person only gives them more tools… just saying.
@@hissyfitz7890 anytime a seed is planted there is hope. Jus sayin
@@michelekurlan6489 - 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻
Psychotherapie costs will be covered by the public health care system in Austria by 2022. I think this is an important step.
Yes...it is so needed by many! Dr. C
Great new seg-in music along with Mr. Guss....
Thanks...I like that intro too, thanks to my buddy, Jeff, for putting it together. Dr. C
Whenever I try to talk to my stbx about anything of consequence, he always says, "I didn't do anything wrong" and immediately starts attacking my character and making false accusations. He hears criticism in everything- even when there is none. We cannot have adult conversations.
how are you doing? I hope all is well and that you are staying safe enough! You have got a nice and sparkling smile, haven’t seen such in a while always wear that beautiful smile. I would really love to get to know you! Hope you do not mind?
@@MarcoGuedes-r9h Over and over, we can all see that you are trying to get attention by saying these exact same lines to woman after woman, preying upon them - hoping to get a reaction from one of them. (Talking about their 'beautiful and sparkling smile' when they are not even smiling!) What you are doing is very creepy and these women have more intelligence. For heavens sake LEAVE THEM ALONE! Please, **STOP* harassing women!!!
Your videos are helping me learn and understand so I can be up to the task thank you
I'm highly defensive so I'm watching this to see how to correct my attitude. Thank you.
Excellent advice, Dr. C. Dealing with these people can definitely make it hard not to get aggressive with them. I have to take many deep breaths, lol.
Thank you!!
brilliant video, thank you Dr Les!
My son is that way! However, he suffered brain damage in a road rage and I watch not to get him go off on me. No matter what we talk about, he is always the know it all so I just keep quiet. He used to be the sweetest young man.
Goalies!
I sometimes can't do anything but laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation and that puts me even more in the wrong but it just happens