Best way to date an avoidant is not to. After 7 years and 2 break ups with the same avoidant partner, never again. I'm 1 month into the 2nd break up, take it from me. They will not change and you will be lonely.
Amen to that - I spent 30 years (in total) and 3 kids with about 8 breakups including a divorce (which I initiated). Then 5 years after the divorce, we dated for 7 more years (so, 18 years together before the divorce and 7 more after it lol)!! And he STILL couldn't turn up for it emotionally!!! Now I grey rock him when he texts and hope I can meet someone healthy for the last stretch (in my late 50s). If not, I've got our great kids, my career, my hobbies, and my dignity.
When I finally gave up and walked away he told me "you're just like all the rest of them." How telling is that?! You can't do the right thing. Nothing will please them. They crave love, but don't want it when they get it.
Exactly, they self-sabotage the relationship, but fail to see their part in doing the self-sabotage. Denial is their protective coat of armor. It's easier to blame the other person then to blame themselves thus not seeking change.
@@tomobedlam9045 These type of people actually normally blame themselves for everything, as they think they are essentially worthless and unlovable. Projecting their faults onto others and sabotaging relationships is their desperate attempt to protect themselves. You have to set water tight boundaries and call them out on bad behaviour, while at the same type reassure them that they have value and something to offer and that they are lovable. It's a delicate balancing act and not for everyone.
Avoidants are more curious and open with a partner who's feelings remain unclear. Let them come to you when they're ready. Value your self. Continue living your life. If you wait for them, they will sense it and go very cold. Don't just give up everything about yourself to them unless they are asking for it, literally. Let them want it and work for it. We all tend to appreciate things we have to work for.
It’s important to share that an avoidant’s behaviors may not surface until 3-6 months into the relationship after things progress and there’s greater intimacy. The intimacy will trigger the avoidant’s fears. My avoidant didn’t show obvious signs until 6 months- when being a couple became a reality. That reality meant some conflicts and more closeness than he was capable of handling- he then became irritable, self-sabotaged, withdrew and eventually shut down. Now he remains alone with his defense mechanisms firmly in place. Protecting himself from love, people, pain. Afraid to open up. Fear and lack of trust motivate their actions- not love. The first few months it was daily calls, texts, flowers and “I want you by my side forever.” He was genuine, honest, loyal and unable to tolerate intimacy. Be careful and take things slowly. Time is the best test.
Wow, imagine someone with abandonment trauma and how this would trigger full blown PTSD in this situation. Seems very cruel regardless of their psychology. It's almost like avoidants get bored and blame the partner.
These types love hurting others and are cruel purpose. I wish we'd stop trying to understand them and just let them rot in Hell alone where they belong.
@@toscadonna most people are blaming themselves and looking for answers. After we learn what they are we won't enter another relationship with them. I broke up with two since January when I learned what avoidant is, and had several avoidants want to date me, I denied them all. However as I was learning I was asking a lot of the same things everyone be else was asking.
I do not believe avoidants can not or do not love-they may be unstable yes-love equates pain because of their childhood so they self sabatgoge but they can manifest love-and they do feel and want love-mine always ran aft a few months-right after we get close he bolts
as someone with an avoidant attachment style, I recognize that it’s because of how I grew up, and I’m trying to fix it so I can maintain a healthy relationship.
Good for you! I wish my avoidant ex would recognize it. But I also take responsibility for my part. I didn’t know about attachment styles then. I was secure turned anxious. Put too much pressure on him to be a better commutator. I now know I made him feel smothered:(.
@@lil8579 since I wrote that comment, my guy has been in and out of my life. He’s admitted that what he calls his “stubborn” behaviors are the main issue in our relationship. Even though he’s self aware, it hasn’t changed much. Truth is they need to heal and work on breaking out of these self sabotaging behaviors. Hang in there. Wishing you lots of luck.
I just got rid of an avoidant. It took a while because I had never encountered one prior and I consider myself securely attached. Whew did it hurt but I love myself.
“Listen you, I’m turning myself inside out to try and find your one or two good points and you won’t even let me do that,” god I love you Margaret. You know exactly how we are all feeling lol
RUN FOR THE HILLS - 100% accurate and explained with clarity. It is soul crushing to be with an avoidant male. The positive approaches did not work. There is nothing you can do if the avoidant does not think they have a problem. I was absolutely mind-blown at the degree of creativity he put into the excuses he would use in order to avoid addressing his issues. You will suffer with intense feelings of rejection, loneliness, emptiness, confusion, and hopelessness. You have already been emotionally, physically, and sexually abandoned. It is better to leave and be alone, free, and at peace than to stay and be miserable and “alone in a marriage.”
It’s so crazy listening to you guys describe how an avoidant is because it sounds like your describing my ex to a T. Like you might as well just be describing her alone and not all avoidants. Unfortunately I didn’t learn about attachment styles until after she broke up with me. During the relationship I was so confused I just couldn’t understand why she acted the way she did. It really helps now to know what was going on in her head but I’m not sure if I would ever want to date an avoidant again. It’s a hard road to walk.
Yes accurate i never knew I had anxiety until i met my ex who had avoidant attachment. It just made my separation anxiety worse but im happy i let him go. Emotionally unavaible men will try to make you feel worse! Im one week no contact in and it feels so good not giving him any of my energy🙏🏼✨6 yrs and he never let me in emotionally so much time wasted but im glad i realized this!
Wah exactly like mine 6 years and this is 2 months I haven't been contacting him. Sure he just sent me a text once since 2 weeks no contact, after that bye bye...heyo I feel so right about my decision now. People say it took up to 3 months to surely break up so I have another month to go..
That's so refreshing to hear!! Keep up on building the Love for yourself huh! Take care of yourself... I mean,, it is you that we are talking about after all.. That should be... ALL of our MISSIONS! ✌
I am avoidant because I think I was emotionally neglected from my mother as a child, so I coped with the pain by detaching from my needy feelings and being independent and self sufficient. It’s crazy how not enough love and emotional support from your parents can affect your whole life! It’s really hard for me to be in a relationship. I broke up with my ex, he was extremely anxious and jealous and manipulative that it caused a lot of drama and stress in my life, but after all I understood that he only needed my reassurance.
How about not dateing ,,ur not ready ,to immature ,,,when u r ready karma comes back an u will be dumped or cheated on ,,yin an yang is how the world rolls
Best thing to do is break up with them once you realize they're avoidant. Knowledge is power. Now that you know, there's no reason to stay or try to fix them.
The idea isn’t to fix them. They have to fix themselves (or get help to fix themselves). If they’re not willing or able or ready then sure walk away, but if - like a lot of people - you’ve already grown attached to this person then you may not want to give up. The hardest part actually is that for this kind of relationship to work you need to be completely secure in your own self, and have a very good support network and life full of hobbies and activities that don’t involve them. That takes the pressure off of them and allows them to move closer at their own pace. Ultimately this person has been severely hurt, but that doesn’t mean they’re a bad person or they aren’t deserving of love, they just need to be shown respect and patience. Its not easy at all, but I believe dating an avoidant can come with its benefits, most of all it will force you to get your own life together in order to properly step up and give your best self to the relationship. All that said, if they’re causing you great emotional harm, anxiety and insecurity and you are genuinely unhappy then its best to end it.
Best comment I ever read on avoidants! Once you know they are an Avoidant just Straight up point blank Close the Chapter! 💯👍🏻 You deserve LOVE and so much more❤🤗❤😌🌺🙏🏻🌺
Jian Chen They seem narcissistic bc they think of preserving themselves and not how their behaviors affect their partner- they’re are cold and dismissing. However, research shows anxiously attached are more likely to be narcissistic.
Jian Chen Lost track, I’ve read so many books, articles and videos on attachment but anxious is more likely. Makes sense if you think about all the traits of each attachment style
I feel sorry for Avoidants and even more for the Anxious, this is all the parents fault for not giving them love and attention when they needed it, now they're struggling with relationships. If you find out a guy or girl has Avoidant Attachment Style don't walk, RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!! Save your own sanity. I lost so much sleep and time trying to make things work.
Me to the sad part is my ex mom absolutely destroyed this poor guy and she has never admitted it she told me one day that even though she use to do drugs (which was a lie shes still an addict)that it had no affect on her only son which obviously is a lie and a lack of accountability that women is in complete denial I stsrted to notice she was a pathological lier as well and you couldn't talk to her for more then 2 mins without her being all over the place in conversation I'm not saying she doesn't or didn't love her son but she damaged his sense of being as a young man and doesn't acknowledge it I can ONLY IMAGINE what he went through as a child and my ex denies all of this too and says his childhood was great but I could see past all of that the mom never fully liked me because i could see past a lot of the things she was doing to her son and my ex was and still is in denial about how his mom played apart in his behavior and beliefs he doesn't trust women because he could never trust his mom my ex got angry that I said that even though deep down he knew I was seeing and telling the truth I finally walked away for good last summer when his mom ended up sniffing some coke randomly in my face and almost fell out over me claiming it was alcohol related this made me extremely uncomfortable and when I went to my ex to talk to him about it he tried to make me question if I saw what I saw and knew what I knew he even suggested I was making this stuff up completely gaslighting me and trying to make me question my reality he later admitted that he knew his mom was a drug user but wanted to pretend that she wasnt because he was embarrassed so he gaslighted me instead it was just so sad an exhausting she was also interfering in our relationship and over stepping her boundries while telling me she respects her son's space it was ridiculous whole family just filled with lies denial and trauma she made him responsible for her own trauma and needs and he probably will end up alone with his mom I was his first and only real girlfriend and now I know why very sad what toxic parents can do to their own children
This information is very helpful to me, I was broken up with almost three weeks ago. We were together for 3 years and he’s an avoidant. This last year he had become more and more distant and I became more and more anxious. The final crux was his grandmother’s passing and my attempt to be there for him through it all. It was too much for him and he broke up with me a month after she passed away.
This is my ex to a T. It is extremely frustrating and disappointing. I had to leave him because after a year and a half, it was leaving me emotionally and psychologically drained. I am doing NC, but I don't know or think he would ever have an 'a-ha' moment and turn around. I couldn't keep holding on for change that would probably never come. These videos are truly enlightening and more helpful than any channel I've come across regarding relationships. Thank you as always.
Chickenism Ambasseder They still feel and miss their partner but they suppress their feelings a lot more and distract themselves w other things. They feel, but to a lesser degree.
It doesn't. The fact you're "no contact" allows them to be free in themselves without fear of getting any closer to you. They may miss you, but not for long. To the dismissive avoidant, this is like being in a state of Nirvana at this stage. The mere fact, the burden of having somebody get close to them is no longer there, thereby giving them great peace of mind, like an ENORMOUS sigh of relief.
After my ex dumped me. I went back to counseling to work on my childhood trauma. I learned I have an avoidant/dismissive attachment style. My ex had an anxious attachment style. He wanted all my attention and needed constant reassurance and I felt suffocated sometimes. Even his mom was the same. I loved her, but she would constantly call me and needed someone to talk to. Personally, I truly cared about my ex. Not sure if he will come back but I do miss him, but I’m still working on myself
Wow it is the first time I read that an anxious one has dumped an avoidant (especially dismissive avoidant). The other way around is more usual. It is also interesting that you work on yourself (probably because you got dumped) since most DA's won't recognize that something is wrong with them as well. Do not worry, anxious people are likely to reach out.
@@ioeuropaganymedkallisto7204 I am secure and turned anxious in the relationship with my ex avoidant because the first 6 months were "normal". I dumped them and twice they reached out so far with nothing substantial. Anxious people move on faster to hide their pain so many of them don't come back nor reach out. I moved on mentally and thought " wow never been with anyone like my ex before.... hope I can see the red flags the next time sooner than 6 months. People say anxious people attract avoidants but I think it is more like Anxious are more likely to stay with avoidants longer becasue there are no signs sometimes for the first 6 months that someone is avoidant and by that time the anxious has already attached. Just my opinion.
@@sunleepark761 yeah I agree. Anxious people have a hard time to break up with someone. What kind of messages has your avoidant ex send to you? How many months are you in no contact?
I appreciate that you are working on yourself though! It takes work on BOTH sides, if things are to work. So I hope he works on himself too. As an anxious person, I feel like he probably will come back (I know you wrote this 10 months ago lol but hey who knows).
@@SR0490 I appreciate your kindness. But yeah, he got another girl knocked up and rushed a proposal with her. I’m way over the relationship already. I have found someone new and better.
If a person with an avoidant attachment style doesn't see a problem and is not willing to fix it, then it's pointless for the partner to try and change something, so that she/he would decide to come back and work on the relationship. In my experience she/he keeps going and doesn't care much. And if there is someone else ready to take her/him and start new relationship, they will jump right into it, till the next break up... So, there's almost no hope to fix something with them if they don't see it as a need for themselves.
It was very draining to be with an avoidant style. I second guess and doubt myself many times when an argument starts. I blame myself yet to realize it was him not me. He couldn't comprehend what he did wrong and felt I was too emotional when I hit my limit.
Watching this video really opened my eyes. The things you described about how someone with avoidant attachment disorder will act was absolutely spot on, it described my wife to a "T" and I was amazed. She does everything you described and as you said, it is horribly difficult to live with and deal with. Every time we start to draw closer together, suddenly we're fighting and I'm at fault for something that I didn't do. The problem is, how do I deal with it when she refuses to discuss anything and adamantly denies that she does these things? HELP!!!!!
OMG! Nailed it! I have the workbooks and have been regularly watching the videos. This is THE ONE the has helped me THE MOST to not feel like I'm a crazy person! Thank you both so very much! ❤❤
Deep down inside, actually not very deep, I knew what was going on with my ex gf. I was afraid to confront her with all of this for fear I would lose her. Anxious attachment I guess. But I did approach her with small things that I was familiar with: eg; not making me a priority, forgetting to call me back when she said she would. I'm still learning, Craig and Margaret. Keep up the good work. :)
I was so wrecked by this girl that came so strong on me. We hooked up really quick and I thought, wow, maybe there's something here going on. But now it seems everything I do is wrong or bad. Signs: overly critical of everyone! Says meeting guys on Tinder is her hobby. No emotional attachment whatsoever to anyone! She says she was great friends with her last hookup but actually now they just avoid each other totally! Saw it with my own eyes (we have same social circles). Gets back to me when I don't seem to care at all about her! Then I make the mistake of being overly flirty with her and sweet and compliment her and she automatically shuts me down. It's so frustrating but after a month of being desperate about her I just said to myself, shit I gotta walk away from her. God, please, make me strong enough to avoid her and not get back to her in the future if she ever writes me back, and not as a revenge, but just for my own personal health.
It’s just so so sad when this type of person doesn’t want to get help whether that’s counseling, medication or both. I just got out of a 4 year long relationship with a woman with this exact disorder. I’m anxious and have my own mental health issues that I never addressed. We had so much genuine love. Spoke genuinely about marriage and being each other’s last. She’d pick fights over nothing, sabatoge our relationship, push me away when I would step up all because she was fearful. I never wanted to leave her and I meant that. It’s so hard. You just love that person so much and would die for them literally. She had told me at the end of her relationship that I was so “emotionally draining” and I get how I was that now. But I literally turned myself inside out and she wouldn’t accept it because as I see now. She couldn’t accept herself and love herself and be accepting of love. So so sad. My heart breaks for her
I dated an avoidant for a month and that was draining...I can only imagine being in a relationship with one. We actually maintained communication for a few months prior to meeting and she was really receptive, but it was at a distance. At first, she was very caring but that was before us meeting and at a distance. When we started hanging out more frequently and intimacy started happening, it was strong, but after that, when I started initiating, that’s when she started to become more distant, everything had to be on her schedule and she would use work, illnesses and “routines” as excuses to avoid intimacy and going out on dates. Ended up not working out and I was bum. Ended up seeing a life/relationship coach who revealed avoidant and addictive love styles.
Being with an avoidant is worse than being alone. With them there is unhappiness. Lonely together. Alone we can be happy and spread the love to all and sundry
I was afraid to lose my the one I loved who also had the avoidant issues. She did give me anxiety and after cheating on me and leaving me for another guy, complained and said “forget about love, just be my friend”. Truth hurts.
Avoidant partners are often very intelligent and sensitive to any attempts of continuing attachment or even to any interest remaining in them. You can try manipulations to get them to open but I don't suggest it and in my opinion that's disrespectful and inconsiderate to what they are feeling. They must be given the time and space to wonder, to miss what was and to reach out on their own... yes they do reach out. I have alot of experience with this. Asian women, especially from strict Muslim families are highly avoidant from how they've been raised. Their healthy mechanisms are broken, seemingly on purpose for the sake of keeping them under control or under wraps per say. I have had underlying anxiety and am so aware now that I can get such avoidant partners to sneakily show they care and are attached to me. They willl sometimes bond with children to practice the dynamics of bonding or very long distance relationships, two relationship examples that are convenient to not involve intimacy. Very early on they will share emotions but once I reveal that I care about them... of course they go avoidant but they come right back when I allow them to. Love is allowing and understanding. It's fine that you love and respect them but you also must recognize your own needs, love and respect yourself. Understand yourself. So many need to look at why they align with this sort of person. It's really a beautiful thing to be part of their healing experience. ❤️🙏
I wish I knew this before I spent over a year with my avoidant ex...half of that time we were “in a relationship” and then he tried to turn it into a casual relationship because that was probably more comfortable for him. Never once did I get an “I love you” but I believe he did love me to the best of his ability. I really liked him but I am thankful it’s over - and I will never ever ever date an avoidant again! Thanks Craig and Margaret for sharing your wisdom and knowledge.
Same here! 2 1/2 yrs of "relationship" but he never gave me the "official commitment" even tho he was committed to me. His eyes told me i love you but he never mouthed the words to me. I could go on...and on. Did your DA ex ever reach out? Update please thanks!
5 years later I'm back here. Thank you so much Margaret & Kenneth. Avoidants keep you at arm's length ie if you raise an issue, you know it's gonna cause a huge reaction that affects everything including intimacy. So you avoid raising issues & causing conflict just to keep getting breadcrumbs 😢 They'll talk about everyone except themself. You'll be sitting there like I don't give a hoot about those people, I want to know about you. Lastly, they seem to live in a fantasy world, where nothing's real & nothing affects them. A person they were close with will die and they won't even flinch.
Another video from Coaches Craig and Margaret that has hit the nail on the head. Long story short, my partner is an Avoidant & the past few months it has felt like she's been sabotaging our relationship, now to a point where she's straight ignoring me. I've begun No Contact & my plan is to work on my own Anxious style. I'm not closing the door completely on her just yet so we'll see how Time goes
My ex., Who I believe was avoidant, was reluctant to say I love you or any words of affirmation, yet was sexually charged I asked her once why she couldn't say loving things to me and she said 'Words are so powerful'. She was basically saying, words mean more than sex This highlighted to me that emotional connection should be discouraged but sexual connection is mechanical
I feel like I'm on the other side of this. I've always had difficulty saying emotionally-bound words. I'd always call my (now ex) girlfriend "pretty" or "hot". I only occasionally called her beautiful which I believe is the more emotionally attached word, which really made her mad. I said "love you" at night and only occasionally said "I love you", which also made her mad. I felt that my actions were substantial enough, but she wanted words. I was still in high school during our relationship so I couldn't exactly take her on cruises or give her wack-ass expensive gifts, but I took her to dinner often, paid for it, sometimes I'd cook meals as well. I held her hand, hugged her and kissed her (in public also). I wouldn't say I viewed sex as mechanical though. I thought of it as a way to get emotionally closer and have fun. I've been accused of only being in a relationship for sex which really kinda hurts. I'd take emotionally caring and being cared for by someone else before no strings attached sex any day. Anyways, I feel like I have alot in common with your ex so if you're curious about "our" thought process, I'd be glad to attempt to explain.
My ex would come to me for comfort and soothing when they had some kind of distressing conflict, but they ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT RECIPROCATE comforting or soothing me whenever I was faced with a conflict. They would completely shut down and even dissociate and block out everything if I came to them for comfort. It's an awful feeling to learn that your partner will NOT be in your corner and not have your back. It's the opposite of being part of a team. In fact the idea of being part of a team seems completely foreign to them. And they could not or would not even acknowledge this behavior, they absolutely HATED talking about any of it. The worse part was that my partner did have SOME wonderful qualities, so it was a very "Peaks & Valleys" relationship. I also have to agree with where you mentioned how they hooked you early on with the sex, my ex was really intense in the bedroom, I did not realise this was ALSO something common amongst Avoidants. Though my ex was very physically affectionate with cuddling and holding hands.
I was blown away too! I was in a relationship with an avoidant for two years and always felt like he was hiding something. When i came across this video, i felt like i unearthed a massive 2 year secret that made it all make sence.
Just start working on yourself. It takes a while, depending on you've never address these issues. It did with me. I'm an older guy. I've worked hard on my self for 8 years now. There's a lot of pain involved. Lots of ups and downs but once you start feeling better and become more aware, you will see the light of day. Don't give up.
Thank you for making all these videos and making them podcasts. I have been listening to them all week at work. I mean like 10h/day just soaking it up. You're both excellent speakers and have appealing voices also.
Amazing!!!!! I was with a borderline. He was neglected as a child. He is now 51. I feel so bad for him. Believe it or not he is a sweet soul. We were together for 10 plus years. But he supported me emotionally. This is a crazy situation. Thank you again. ❤️❤️👍🏽
Fascinating. This is someone I dated for over two months to a T. Only thing is I really felt she loved me at her core but she couldn’t exhibit it. I believe she tried to show it but that was very difficult. Any time she took action by making a dinner (once) or said something loving (saying “sweetie”) she’d say it with great trepidation or I’d say fear. Her voice trembled and shook. It’s not until we talked about exclusivity that the next day after a night of happiness that she breaks everything up without a good reason. I always felt she had the love inside but no ability to show it otherwise she’d crumble. She’d say she wanted a relationship and even kids but when I present a secure space for that then she says it doesn’t work. Was very confusing but this makes total sense.
Thank you, thank you, and thank you again for this video. Everything you talked about is exactly how the relationship was. I was hoping this man would come back but I think it's wise I move on and continue working on my own anxious attachment and become a better, healthier version of myself. The 2 of you are absolutely awesome. Thank you for what you do.
I've got an anxious attachment style and had a relationship with an avoidant attachment style. It was amazing at the beginning but then it all started, it was terrible absolutely horrible and I'm still trying to get over her, pity I didn't know about attachment styles at the start and I wouldn't of got involved.
Awesome Craig and Margaret. This explains so so much. My relationship is so hard and the rejection comes out of NO WHERE and always after an awesome experience. Sometimes the sex seems mechanical. I do give small compliments which turn him from quiet to almost grandiose...We talk about my problems all day long... he wont talk about his, makes jokes at any problem that arises... calls himself stupid aloud when he makes mistakes. If you push when he distance himself, he can be rude and quite mean. Then try to make up … He expects me to always give in and chase. I know I have abandonment issues "daddy issues" that I am finally working on. When I get a little anxious … he says " you may need to get more counseling" then turn cold and go back being busy doing nothing. I love him but it is hard!
I’m an avoidant attachment style. I’m trying to fix myself, but don’t know how. I ruined my 6 year relationship. I didn’t push her away on purpose. This is a cry for help.
I`m in such situation, going on a night out everything great, few days latter back off. Than she says - when i`m with you i few i want you, but later i don`t feel it that way...
Most likely you will get hurt trying to fix someone else. You can only advise them to seek counseling/therapy. They have to be willing to change themselves.
I am avoidant but didn’t know it but my ex knew I needed space from time to time and we would communicate it. Just sometimes she would go over board and try to give me a whole week alone and I think that’s because it upset her that I needed space when I would only want 1-2 nights to my self.
Your videos are incredibly insightful. You have helped me to better understand a tremendous amount of issues and get through the most difficult times of my life. Thank you so much!
I'd love to see what you guys have to say about validation addiction. It seems to relate a lot to narcissism, cheating, and self esteem. Love you guys!
I dont know that validation addiction would be part of narcissism. Even though narc may have low esteem they definitely would not show it nor would they seek validation. I sometimes get tired of hearing that you are the only one to validate your feelings but many times I have found comfort in knowing others felt the same and it helps me.
@@samanthahouston2324 I disagree. Only because I see validation stemming from a deep rooted need to feel accepted. The overly concerned men I've met through online dating--as well as guy friends who do this--engage in this behavior to feel superior. The compliments and flattery is over the top. I just see variations of it; not one form of it.
@@Agent_L84 that is interesting. I know they seek the highest respect they can. I know they like being the center of attention which would come in the form of validation. It becomes confusing because different places on the internet will either make you feel like you are one while others will not. You do not have to agree and actually thanks for disagreeing. I respect your thought about it and it made me think about it.
I dated a girl with an avoidant attachment Style for five years broke up three times and I wish I knew about attachment Styles I would have handled this different but the third break up ripped my heart apart so I'm finished way too much work do yourself a favor if you do come across a person who's an avoidance make sure you know what you're getting into good luck
I so wish I knew about attachment styles a year ago. I've been broken up from a relationship for 2 months now and it was 6 months. Had the best one yet, the good was the best and the bad , was absolutely nothing to be worrying about. Little squabbles. However my ex gf, turned out, now I know to have an avoidant attachment style. So many factors add up. Unfortunately I cannot talk to her about anything. Whether I will I don't know. She said I would never see or speak to her again. Charming that for the compliments and effort I got one minute, to then the cold attitude and behaviour. But one thing that stood out on this particular video, was the emotions. Barely any emotions, apart from ones that seemed over the top. And a particular time I lost a family friend, very close one too. She was there for me the day he died, 3 days after that, she decided to get emotional, blame me for ruining her day and say she took my behaviour personally, but at that time, the grief hit me so hard by that point. I could never get an answer when I challenged that either!
You guys have nailed it. Such a great knowledgeable video. That’s know how they treat you in the beginning. . And 1 month later they gone. They are totally stranger person.
This video is very informative, but it appears to have little empathy for the avoident. There seems to be advice on how to deal with them, followed by skepticism as to whether any of it will work. The feeling I left with was don't even bother with avoidents. Is that the ultimate message here?
Yeah it seemed like that to me too... I came here because I’ve lived through major trauma. Had a crazy life. Was sexually,, physically, and emotionally abused and wanted to understand how my attachment style might come off and what I could work on because I’m so scared of people and love. Everyone in this comment section is saying “run away”. Like I-
@@brittneyarends7143 hi! I would advise you to take a look at the videos of Thais Gibson of the Personal Development School. She has a lot of videos about dismissive avoidants in a very empathetic way. I think you might like them.
I am not very close with my family although I still love them. I moved out of the country and live by myself. The reason behind I feel this way I guess, because when I was growing up my parents where very protective to a point of possesiveness. I am the youngest of 2 and my sister because she was the eldest thought she can also be bossy (I know its normal in families). But I started to become very frustrated and irritated at the fact that I was always looked at as the young sibling so my bounderies for them did not exist to a point that I started to become very aggresssive towards them to keep them at bay and started to do my own thing without asking or telling where am going. Once moved out I felt a huge relief that I have much more freedom. But in relationships I like closeness, I like intimacy and I like to listen to them when talking to me about work problems etc and never tell them to get over it or cut them off, even with friends am the same. I do get over a breakup very quickly I admit that, am 40 and my first break up was when I was 16 if correct and my god I cried like a baby and lost lots of weight as I was hardly eating lol. I remember getting back together but we broke up again a couple of times and then she broke it off for good but by then I did not feel anything and got on with life like nothing.. I guess I wanted the same thing.. after that relationship, every break up I had it never bothered me much am not saying I don't feel sad or the need to talk to them but I just get on with it and any urges of contacting them I control them. So after all this I don't know what does that make me... an insecure attachment or secure??? Sorry for the long story.... just a confused person 😂
So if someone who is dismissive starts pulling away from you is it because they might actually have feelings for you but they are afraid of feeling the way they feel? As someone who is healing from codependency and anxious attachment, I am very wary of even getting involved with this person, yet, I also cannot stay away. A part of me wants to help him but another part feels that A. he isn't what I want, and B. he needs to help himself.
Thank you for this information and another excellent video. I'd love to see a video on approach/avoidance, the signs to watch for, why the behavior occurs and how to deal with someone who has this disorder. Thanks again so much for all of the information both of you share with us. It is very much appreciated!
I've been reading the book Attached by Amir Levine. If people with anxious attachment shouldn't date avoidant types, secure people never date avoidant types because they get turned off by them, and avoidant types just avoid each other... Then are avoidant types basically going to end up alone?
Wow! I have an anxious attachment style and have been dating an avoidant on and off for about 2 years. Things are great, and then he breaks up with me and disappears...consistently. I need affection and he is unable to give it. He basically fits every point here to a T. It makes me sad, because after this last breakup, I'm faced with the realization that it can never work. Your video opened my eyes, but also makes me wonder if he could ever be in a lasting relationship. The funny part is, we were in no contact for 6 months and he came back, professing his love and telling me he missed me and wanted me to be in his life because I "get him" and make him feel comfortable. We had a great 3 months and he was different (for the better), and then he shut down and broke up with me. My head is spinning.
Wow 6 months NC! My avoidant ex contacted me in 28 days only to go silent again a week ago because after some nice convo I asked if we could talk in person. I’m back to NC.
@@lovebug9814 my avoidant ex also reached out to me 28 days after i dumped them telling me they missed me. I replied very diplomatically saying lack of communication was too much n i wished them well. Her reply " no worries" 3 months later they reached out again saying hello and hoped i was doing well. I ignored it. A month after that they reached out to my friend saying the same thing. My friend just said YOU TOO and left it at that. My friend also did not want to continue the conversation with her. I mean they miss me....ya? Of course you do..... but messages have to be more substantial than that.
6 months?? Im on 8 months!! Eeek!! You give me hope....whats the update to your situation? I miss my DA ex so much and yes im anxious....he broke up with me 8 months ago....
I feel that I ve an avoidant parent but because of u I know where I’m going wrong and correct it. Wanna ve a coaching hopefully I’m saving and soon we will talk. Thank you
Even if you wanted to hang in with your Avoidant partner, how do you even know if they want you around for the long term??!? Great video. Valuable content. Love that I found you. Thank you for this material.
I'm now an avoidant person after 42 years of abuse from these types of people. They're monsters who enjoy hurting other people because supposedly someone hurt them as a child. It's best to just be alone, because if you're kind and loving, all you attract are the soulless, evil, selfish gorgons. We spend so much time explaining away their awful behavior when they should just be shunned by everyone until they decide to be human.
They're getting called out in videos like this and anyone who watches it will avoid them, as well be as all of the videos on narcissistim, people who have knowledge are turning on them.
They definitely know what they are doing. The guy in the video even mentions they come on very strong in the beginning so they can hook you. Once they know you are emotionally invested they go cold.
Your channel is helping me so much to be positive in my situation instead of giving up. Thank you so much! Would you guys ever consider doing a giveaway for those of us who may be unable to pay coaching fees?
I really think my Ex is an Avoidant I’m nearly ready for your Workshop the Knowledge Craig And I’m saving up to speak to Margaret Many thanks Mathew Australia 🇦🇺
Please just walk away if you still can, it's exhausting and made me an anxious wreck as opposed to the secure person I previously was, I got out after a couple of months it was a really confusing time for me and I decided to call it off, talked to her last week turns out she's talking to a counselor, hoping it works out for her but I don't know if I should get into the relationship again or not
The best way to have a relationship w/a avoidant is to keep it simple ,don’t totally commit to just them ,an it’s not ur job to fix them ,,,,have multiple partners ,the avoidant does just that ,so when they r “busy” u go out w/another that’s not busy ,,,it’s the only way 💕
Amazing..my avoedent X told my when he broke up with me..I want you to be around but not next to me ..move on people never contact them they will never change
My avoidant ex left me 2.5 months ago. She up and decided to leave and moveout within a week after 2 years. Havent heard from her either. I dont expect to sadly. No contact doesnt really seem to bother them either
This cursed video. My dad and my new ex to a t. You two are wonderful. You make me feel validated as an anxious attachment style person. BTW, I just adore Margaret.
Good luck with that... Honestly, from my personal experience, the best thing is to focus in understanding why you need the avoidant in your life. The relationship with the avoidant represents something that needs to be healed. The video should be how to develop the relationship with yourself.
If you look up "avoidant attachment" in the dictionary, you will see a picture of my ex. I mistook avoidant for secure and masculine. I was so wrong! If only I knew then what I know now!
You two are absolutly correct. I'm the avoidant & this is absolutly me 100%. I recently became open to the possibility of a relationship with "my friend" but it was to late. He was tired of making me see that it could work. I told him from the beginning that this is who I was an im only going to change if & when I was comfortable to do so. I miss his companionship dearly & want to call him but he deserves better than what I can offer him at this time. Im happy that I could at least WANT to care about someone on that level! #Progress
I'm 15 years with my avoidant attachment partner and I'm just ready to give up .. he hasn't changed .. the o ly reason it worked for so long was because I have alot of trauma and was dissociated from emotion, after 5 long years of self work in therapy I'm in a better place but he is bringing me down. We have kids and a home together .. I love him so much but he won't change 😞
I have a newhew that's two years old and another one on the way I love them can not believe of how big he and his brother witch be here here till April getting yall hav a wonderful day
@@markhunt9643 Yeah but my point isn't that the person shouldn't seek help. My problem is people giving up on others over things and not giving them a chance.
I know this probably is a horrible thought, but I really liked my avoidant. Is there any chance she’ll reach out? Can you do a video on it? I know it’s a bad idea but things were going so well for 3 mos then she just bounced. It feels unfinished and I want to at least give things an honest effort.
It'll never go back to how it was. The beginning is how everyone gets hooked on avoidants, because we try to keep going back there but you can't. Better off for your own well-being to let it go, appreciate the memories.
The I want to give an honest effort so I could walk away knowing I did my best. It's her/him not me. This is the reason why many people stay with the avoidant until they can't take it no more... Is this normal or trauma bonding? Is the experience with the dismissive avoidant familiar to what we've been through in childhood for us to believe that if we work hard enough, if we be good enough we will be loved? - my thoughts while nursing a bruised ego after feeling so rejected.
Oh, geez. You hit nail on the head. My ex gf was very reluctant to kiss, hold hands or caress. I was always initiating contact and kissing. It was fun at first because I was in control and she enjoyed it. But I became tired of it. It was a chore. She's such a good looking girl. I'm really attracted to her physically. I wish I could have done more. :( What's strange is that I'm older and she's 9 years younger than me, never married and no children, as am I. I'm ahead of her in this area but not enough. I wish things were more equal. :(
Omg sounds like my ex...no holding hands...etc... Update on your situation, please? Did they reach out after the breakup? How long did it take? Thanks!
i was the avoidant. she was the anxious. 6 year relationship 10 years of knowing eachother. high school sweethearts. she pushed me away with my avoidant tendencies. by the time she left me she caused me to feel real genuiine love for her like you mention with the small compliments. she showed me i could trust her and she loved me truly. but at that exact time... she found someone else.. i want to change but this just has sapped all will out of me.
@@MTG9878 i should have. I didnt know what attachment styles were before the breakup and finding this channel. Im only understanding after its too late. Now im blocked and lost 45lbs. And it feels like its only getting worse.
@Andromeda I’m trying to release her completely. It’s been almost 9 months, but it feels like it just happened. I’ve never gone through a breakup like this before, and I’m trying to work through my own anxious attachment style. It helps when I hear that avoidants never reach back out...
@@MTG9878 actually dismissive avoidants can reach out to you too. Their emotional surpression can backlash at a moment of weakness, and that's where they wonder about the one who was intimate with them and never contacted them again after the break up. Of course some will dismiss those thoughts quickly and move on. But others will get into a memory loop and start to miss you. That's where chances are high that they reach out. But it's not guaranteed that they do that.
Craig, thank you so much for this video. It hit home for me. I would love to see a video that address what we can do if we CONTINUOUSLY find ourselves attracted to avoidant people. I am anxious, and it's feels like even when I've found someone secure, a few months in I'll realize that they are avoidant, and far TOO avoidant to want to see/deal with our issues. I'd love to know more about the psychology of why some of us are DRAWN to those who are bad for us, and how we can heal and find attraction/excitement in healthy relationships instead.
Rebecca Jones Yeahhh not everyone can afford therapy, and even for those who can, these videos can be a great source to bring additional thoughts into your therapist, but thanks?
My girlfriend dumped me because I got mad.I got mad because she said that she is unsure of her feelings and loved me as a friend.We had great 6 weeks together and then she just made up this problems that scared her and that changed her feelings!What can I do to help her?I love her and think that she is a great person but she has to work on getting close to someone!
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Best way to date an avoidant is not to. After 7 years and 2 break ups with the same avoidant partner, never again. I'm 1 month into the 2nd break up, take it from me. They will not change and you will be lonely.
Finally, felt very alone knowing we've been dating for almost 5 years now. I really dont know what to do
Amen to that - I spent 30 years (in total) and 3 kids with about 8 breakups including a divorce (which I initiated). Then 5 years after the divorce, we dated for 7 more years (so, 18 years together before the divorce and 7 more after it lol)!! And he STILL couldn't turn up for it emotionally!!! Now I grey rock him when he texts and hope I can meet someone healthy for the last stretch (in my late 50s). If not, I've got our great kids, my career, my hobbies, and my dignity.
When I finally gave up and walked away he told me "you're just like all the rest of them." How telling is that?! You can't do the right thing. Nothing will please them. They crave love, but don't want it when they get it.
Exactly, they self-sabotage the relationship, but fail to see their part in doing the self-sabotage. Denial is their protective coat of armor. It's easier to blame the other person then to blame themselves thus not seeking change.
@@tomobedlam9045 These type of people actually normally blame themselves for everything, as they think they are essentially worthless and unlovable. Projecting their faults onto others and sabotaging relationships is their desperate attempt to protect themselves. You have to set water tight boundaries and call them out on bad behaviour, while at the same type reassure them that they have value and something to offer and that they are lovable. It's a delicate balancing act and not for everyone.
That’s a fearful avoidant, not a dismissive avoidant. They actually care if someone loves them or not, but prone to sabotaging the relationship.
@@90blacknight A delicate balance indeed! It was an exhausting year. I have empathy for him, but my life is so much more peaceful without him.
You did the right thing walking away.
Avoidants are more curious and open with a partner who's feelings remain unclear. Let them come to you when they're ready. Value your self. Continue living your life. If you wait for them, they will sense it and go very cold. Don't just give up everything about yourself to them unless they are asking for it, literally. Let them want it and work for it. We all tend to appreciate things we have to work for.
It’s important to share that an avoidant’s behaviors may not surface until 3-6 months into the relationship after things progress and there’s greater intimacy. The intimacy will trigger the avoidant’s fears. My avoidant didn’t show obvious signs until 6 months- when being a couple became a reality. That reality meant some conflicts and more closeness than he was capable of handling- he then became irritable, self-sabotaged, withdrew and eventually shut down. Now he remains alone with his defense mechanisms firmly in place. Protecting himself from love, people, pain. Afraid to open up. Fear and lack of trust motivate their actions- not love. The first few months it was daily calls, texts, flowers and “I want you by my side forever.” He was genuine, honest, loyal and unable to tolerate intimacy. Be careful and take things slowly. Time is the best test.
Wow, imagine someone with abandonment trauma and how this would trigger full blown PTSD in this situation. Seems very cruel regardless of their psychology. It's almost like avoidants get bored and blame the partner.
Andromeda Yes, they trigger anxiety in even secure people. They respond to their fears by shutting down.
These types love hurting others and are cruel purpose. I wish we'd stop trying to understand them and just let them rot in Hell alone where they belong.
@@toscadonna most people are blaming themselves and looking for answers. After we learn what they are we won't enter another relationship with them. I broke up with two since January when I learned what avoidant is, and had several avoidants want to date me, I denied them all. However as I was learning I was asking a lot of the same things everyone be else was asking.
I do not believe avoidants can not or do not love-they may be unstable yes-love equates pain because of their childhood so they self sabatgoge but they can manifest love-and they do feel and want love-mine always ran aft a few months-right after we get close he bolts
as someone with an avoidant attachment style, I recognize that it’s because of how I grew up, and I’m trying to fix it so I can maintain a healthy relationship.
Good for you! I wish my avoidant ex would recognize it. But I also take responsibility for my part. I didn’t know about attachment styles then. I was secure turned anxious. Put too much pressure on him to be a better commutator. I now know I made him feel smothered:(.
@mak how´s your progress going and in what ways are you working on yourself? Very strong from you to acknowledge and work on yourself!
@@lovebug9814 I am with you, too. I don’t know if he will want to be together again
@@lil8579 since I wrote that comment, my guy has been in and out of my life. He’s admitted that what he calls his “stubborn” behaviors are the main issue in our relationship. Even though he’s self aware, it hasn’t changed much. Truth is they need to heal and work on breaking out of these self sabotaging behaviors. Hang in there. Wishing you lots of luck.
Congratulations. Doing the work is so important. And sadly it seems very few avoidants do it.
I just got rid of an avoidant. It took a while because I had never encountered one prior and I consider myself securely attached. Whew did it hurt but I love myself.
Good. They are no good to date.
“Listen you, I’m turning myself inside out to try and find your one or two good points and you won’t even let me do that,” god I love you Margaret. You know exactly how we are all feeling lol
RUN FOR THE HILLS - 100% accurate and explained with clarity. It is soul crushing to be with an avoidant male. The positive approaches did not work. There is nothing you can do if the avoidant does not think they have a problem. I was absolutely mind-blown at the degree of creativity he put into the excuses he would use in order to avoid addressing his issues. You will suffer with intense feelings of rejection, loneliness, emptiness, confusion, and hopelessness. You have already been emotionally, physically, and sexually abandoned. It is better to leave and be alone, free, and at peace than to stay and be miserable and “alone in a marriage.”
It’s so crazy listening to you guys describe how an avoidant is because it sounds like your describing my ex to a T. Like you might as well just be describing her alone and not all avoidants. Unfortunately I didn’t learn about attachment styles until after she broke up with me. During the relationship I was so confused I just couldn’t understand why she acted the way she did. It really helps now to know what was going on in her head but I’m not sure if I would ever want to date an avoidant again. It’s a hard road to walk.
Wow thanks for sharing 🙏
Yes accurate i never knew I had anxiety until i met my ex who had avoidant attachment. It just made my separation anxiety worse but im happy i let him go. Emotionally unavaible men will try to make you feel worse! Im one week no contact in and it feels so good not giving him any of my energy🙏🏼✨6 yrs and he never let me in emotionally so much time wasted but im glad i realized this!
One of the first signs of being with someone like this is you start feeling unattractive or ugly in their presence.
Andromeda Yes, the feeling of being pushed away and unwanted. It’s very triggering to the anxiously attach...bad for anyone.
Wah exactly like mine 6 years and this is 2 months I haven't been contacting him. Sure he just sent me a text once since 2 weeks no contact, after that bye bye...heyo I feel so right about my decision now. People say it took up to 3 months to surely break up so I have another month to go..
@@Andromeda_M31 I told mine I'm not the monster you make me.
That's so refreshing to hear!! Keep up on building the Love for yourself huh! Take care of yourself... I mean,, it is you that we are talking about after all..
That should be...
ALL of our MISSIONS!
✌
I am avoidant because I think I was emotionally neglected from my mother as a child, so I coped with the pain by detaching from my needy feelings and being independent and self sufficient. It’s crazy how not enough love and emotional support from your parents can affect your whole life! It’s really hard for me to be in a relationship. I broke up with my ex, he was extremely anxious and jealous and manipulative that it caused a lot of drama and stress in my life, but after all I understood that he only needed my reassurance.
Seek counselling and learn to trust or you will continue to hurt others and you will be alone if you keep running away
How about not dateing ,,ur not ready ,to immature ,,,when u r ready karma comes back an u will be dumped or cheated on ,,yin an yang is how the world rolls
Best thing to do is break up with them once you realize they're avoidant. Knowledge is power. Now that you know, there's no reason to stay or try to fix them.
The idea isn’t to fix them. They have to fix themselves (or get help to fix themselves). If they’re not willing or able or ready then sure walk away, but if - like a lot of people - you’ve already grown attached to this person then you may not want to give up.
The hardest part actually is that for this kind of relationship to work you need to be completely secure in your own self, and have a very good support network and life full of hobbies and activities that don’t involve them. That takes the pressure off of them and allows them to move closer at their own pace.
Ultimately this person has been severely hurt, but that doesn’t mean they’re a bad person or they aren’t deserving of love, they just need to be shown respect and patience.
Its not easy at all, but I believe dating an avoidant can come with its benefits, most of all it will force you to get your own life together in order to properly step up and give your best self to the relationship.
All that said, if they’re causing you great emotional harm, anxiety and insecurity and you are genuinely unhappy then its best to end it.
Best comment I ever read on avoidants!
Once you know they are an Avoidant just Straight up point blank Close the Chapter! 💯👍🏻
You deserve LOVE and so much more❤🤗❤😌🌺🙏🏻🌺
@@ajbeau_au well said
RUN! Because in my personal opinion, avoidants have a much higher chance of being Narcissistic too!
Jian Chen They seem narcissistic bc they think of preserving themselves and not how their behaviors affect their partner- they’re are cold and dismissing. However, research shows anxiously attached are more likely to be narcissistic.
Summer which research?
Summer btw, what’s the difference between avoidant and (covert) narcissist in your opinion?
Jian Chen Lost track, I’ve read so many books, articles and videos on attachment but anxious is more likely. Makes sense if you think about all the traits of each attachment style
Jian Chen Attention seeking behavior, grandiosity, gaslighting, manipulation and lying- these are the traits of a narcissistic not an avoidant
I’ve noticed a good test is to talk about something painful and if he has a blank look on his face then he’s either avoidant or a narc.
I feel sorry for Avoidants and even more for the Anxious, this is all the parents fault for not giving them love and attention when they needed it, now they're struggling with relationships. If you find out a guy or girl has Avoidant Attachment Style don't walk, RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK!!! Save your own sanity. I lost so much sleep and time trying to make things work.
Me to the sad part is my ex mom absolutely destroyed this poor guy and she has never admitted it she told me one day that even though she use to do drugs (which was a lie shes still an addict)that it had no affect on her only son which obviously is a lie and a lack of accountability that women is in complete denial I stsrted to notice she was a pathological lier as well and you couldn't talk to her for more then 2 mins without her being all over the place in conversation I'm not saying she doesn't or didn't love her son but she damaged his sense of being as a young man and doesn't acknowledge it I can ONLY IMAGINE what he went through as a child and my ex denies all of this too and says his childhood was great but I could see past all of that the mom never fully liked me because i could see past a lot of the things she was doing to her son and my ex was and still is in denial about how his mom played apart in his behavior and beliefs he doesn't trust women because he could never trust his mom my ex got angry that I said that even though deep down he knew I was seeing and telling the truth I finally walked away for good last summer when his mom ended up sniffing some coke randomly in my face and almost fell out over me claiming it was alcohol related this made me extremely uncomfortable and when I went to my ex to talk to him about it he tried to make me question if I saw what I saw and knew what I knew he even suggested I was making this stuff up completely gaslighting me and trying to make me question my reality he later admitted that he knew his mom was a drug user but wanted to pretend that she wasnt because he was embarrassed so he gaslighted me instead it was just so sad an exhausting she was also interfering in our relationship and over stepping her boundries while telling me she respects her son's space it was ridiculous whole family just filled with lies denial and trauma she made him responsible for her own trauma and needs and he probably will end up alone with his mom I was his first and only real girlfriend and now I know why very sad what toxic parents can do to their own children
This information is very helpful to me, I was broken up with almost three weeks ago. We were together for 3 years and he’s an avoidant. This last year he had become more and more distant and I became more and more anxious. The final crux was his grandmother’s passing and my attempt to be there for him through it all. It was too much for him and he broke up with me a month after she passed away.
This is my ex to a T. It is extremely frustrating and disappointing. I had to leave him because after a year and a half, it was leaving me emotionally and psychologically drained. I am doing NC, but I don't know or think he would ever have an 'a-ha' moment and turn around. I couldn't keep holding on for change that would probably never come.
These videos are truly enlightening and more helpful than any channel I've come across regarding relationships. Thank you as always.
Well you cant expect him to be the one to come back when you broke it off
@@nathantrujillo471 actually, he did come back. but I realized at that point I didn't want him back.
How long after did your avoidant ex make contact? Asking bcuz at that point you realized you didn’t want him back.
Please do a video on how no contact affects avoidents
I would like to see this video as well
Chickenism Ambasseder They still feel and miss their partner but they suppress their feelings a lot more and distract themselves w other things. They feel, but to a lesser degree.
@emanuelgoldstein1984 yep they isolate
Good idea
It doesn't. The fact you're "no contact" allows them to be free in themselves without fear of getting any closer to you. They may miss you, but not for long. To the dismissive avoidant, this is like being in a state of Nirvana at this stage. The mere fact, the burden of having somebody get close to them is no longer there, thereby giving them great peace of mind, like an ENORMOUS sigh of relief.
After my ex dumped me. I went back to counseling to work on my childhood trauma. I learned I have an avoidant/dismissive attachment style. My ex had an anxious attachment style. He wanted all my attention and needed constant reassurance and I felt suffocated sometimes. Even his mom was the same. I loved her, but she would constantly call me and needed someone to talk to.
Personally, I truly cared about my ex. Not sure if he will come back but I do miss him, but I’m still working on myself
Wow it is the first time I read that an anxious one has dumped an avoidant (especially dismissive avoidant). The other way around is more usual. It is also interesting that you work on yourself (probably because you got dumped) since most DA's won't recognize that something is wrong with them as well. Do not worry, anxious people are likely to reach out.
@@ioeuropaganymedkallisto7204 I am secure and turned anxious in the relationship with my ex avoidant because the first 6 months were "normal". I dumped them and twice they reached out so far with nothing substantial. Anxious people move on faster to hide their pain so many of them don't come back nor reach out. I moved on mentally and thought " wow never been with anyone like my ex before.... hope I can see the red flags the next time sooner than 6 months. People say anxious people attract avoidants but I think it is more like Anxious are more likely to stay with avoidants longer becasue there are no signs sometimes for the first 6 months that someone is avoidant and by that time the anxious has already attached. Just my opinion.
@@sunleepark761 yeah I agree. Anxious people have a hard time to break up with someone. What kind of messages has your avoidant ex send to you? How many months are you in no contact?
I appreciate that you are working on yourself though! It takes work on BOTH sides, if things are to work. So I hope he works on himself too. As an anxious person, I feel like he probably will come back (I know you wrote this 10 months ago lol but hey who knows).
@@SR0490 I appreciate your kindness. But yeah, he got another girl knocked up and rushed a proposal with her. I’m way over the relationship already. I have found someone new and better.
If a person with an avoidant attachment style doesn't see a problem and is not willing to fix it, then it's pointless for the partner to try and change something, so that she/he would decide to come back and work on the relationship. In my experience she/he keeps going and doesn't care much. And if there is someone else ready to take her/him and start new relationship, they will jump right into it, till the next break up... So, there's almost no hope to fix something with them if they don't see it as a need for themselves.
It was very draining to be with an avoidant style. I second guess and doubt myself many times when an argument starts. I blame myself yet to realize it was him not me. He couldn't comprehend what he did wrong and felt I was too emotional when I hit my limit.
Watching this video really opened my eyes. The things you described about how someone with avoidant attachment disorder will act was absolutely spot on, it described my wife to a "T" and I was amazed. She does everything you described and as you said, it is horribly difficult to live with and deal with. Every time we start to draw closer together, suddenly we're fighting and I'm at fault for something that I didn't do. The problem is, how do I deal with it when she refuses to discuss anything and adamantly denies that she does these things? HELP!!!!!
OMG! Nailed it! I have the workbooks and have been regularly watching the videos. This is THE ONE the has helped me THE MOST to not feel like I'm a crazy person! Thank you both so very much! ❤❤
❤️
This is probably the best, most informative video I have ever seen on this topic. You guys absolutely nail this......
Compliments!!!
I use to give her compliments and she would basically say I'm crazy!!
Deep down inside, actually not very deep, I knew what was going on with my ex gf. I was afraid to confront her with all of this for fear I would lose her. Anxious attachment I guess. But I did approach her with small things that I was familiar with: eg; not making me a priority, forgetting to call me back when she said she would. I'm still learning, Craig and Margaret. Keep up the good work. :)
I was so wrecked by this girl that came so strong on me. We hooked up really quick and I thought, wow, maybe there's something here going on. But now it seems everything I do is wrong or bad. Signs: overly critical of everyone! Says meeting guys on Tinder is her hobby. No emotional attachment whatsoever to anyone! She says she was great friends with her last hookup but actually now they just avoid each other totally! Saw it with my own eyes (we have same social circles). Gets back to me when I don't seem to care at all about her! Then I make the mistake of being overly flirty with her and sweet and compliment her and she automatically shuts me down. It's so frustrating but after a month of being desperate about her I just said to myself, shit I gotta walk away from her. God, please, make me strong enough to avoid her and not get back to her in the future if she ever writes me back, and not as a revenge, but just for my own personal health.
Update?
Any update???
It’s just so so sad when this type of person doesn’t want to get help whether that’s counseling, medication or both.
I just got out of a 4 year long relationship with a woman with this exact disorder. I’m anxious and have my own mental health issues that I never addressed. We had so much genuine love. Spoke genuinely about marriage and being each other’s last.
She’d pick fights over nothing, sabatoge our relationship, push me away when I would step up all because she was fearful. I never wanted to leave her and I meant that. It’s so hard. You just love that person so much and would die for them literally.
She had told me at the end of her relationship that I was so “emotionally draining” and I get how I was that now. But I literally turned myself inside out and she wouldn’t accept it because as I see now. She couldn’t accept herself and love herself and be accepting of love. So so sad. My heart breaks for her
I dated an avoidant for a month and that was draining...I can only imagine being in a relationship with one. We actually maintained communication for a few months prior to meeting and she was really receptive, but it was at a distance. At first, she was very caring but that was before us meeting and at a distance. When we started hanging out more frequently and intimacy started happening, it was strong, but after that, when I started initiating, that’s when she started to become more distant, everything had to be on her schedule and she would use work, illnesses and “routines” as excuses to avoid intimacy and going out on dates. Ended up not working out and I was bum. Ended up seeing a life/relationship coach who revealed avoidant and addictive love styles.
Being with an avoidant is worse than being alone. With them there is unhappiness. Lonely together. Alone we can be happy and spread the love to all and sundry
It seems as though it’s possible to confuse with narcissistic traits?
Could easily be confused but my guy is the most loving person everrrr. So kind and generous. But dang distant afff
Yes!!
I was afraid to lose my the one I loved who also had the avoidant issues. She did give me anxiety and after cheating on me and leaving me for another guy, complained and said “forget about love, just be my friend”. Truth hurts.
Avoidant partners are often very intelligent and sensitive to any attempts of continuing attachment or even to any interest remaining in them. You can try manipulations to get them to open but I don't suggest it and in my opinion that's disrespectful and inconsiderate to what they are feeling. They must be given the time and space to wonder, to miss what was and to reach out on their own... yes they do reach out. I have alot of experience with this. Asian women, especially from strict Muslim families are highly avoidant from how they've been raised. Their healthy mechanisms are broken, seemingly on purpose for the sake of keeping them under control or under wraps per say. I have had underlying anxiety and am so aware now that I can get such avoidant partners to sneakily show they care and are attached to me. They willl sometimes bond with children to practice the dynamics of bonding or very long distance relationships, two relationship examples that are convenient to not involve intimacy. Very early on they will share emotions but once I reveal that I care about them... of course they go avoidant but they come right back when I allow them to. Love is allowing and understanding. It's fine that you love and respect them but you also must recognize your own needs, love and respect yourself. Understand yourself. So many need to look at why they align with this sort of person. It's really a beautiful thing to be part of their healing experience. ❤️🙏
I wish I knew this before I spent over a year with my avoidant ex...half of that time we were “in a relationship” and then he tried to turn it into a casual relationship because that was probably more comfortable for him. Never once did I get an “I love you” but I believe he did love me to the best of his ability. I really liked him but I am thankful it’s over - and I will never ever ever date an avoidant again! Thanks Craig and Margaret for sharing your wisdom and knowledge.
Same here! 2 1/2 yrs of "relationship" but he never gave me the "official commitment" even tho he was committed to me. His eyes told me i love you but he never mouthed the words to me. I could go on...and on. Did your DA ex ever reach out? Update please thanks!
5 years later I'm back here. Thank you so much Margaret & Kenneth.
Avoidants keep you at arm's length ie if you raise an issue, you know it's gonna cause a huge reaction that affects everything including intimacy. So you avoid raising issues & causing conflict just to keep getting breadcrumbs 😢
They'll talk about everyone except themself. You'll be sitting there like I don't give a hoot about those people, I want to know about you.
Lastly, they seem to live in a fantasy world, where nothing's real & nothing affects them.
A person they were close with will die and they won't even flinch.
Another video from Coaches Craig and Margaret that has hit the nail on the head. Long story short, my partner is an Avoidant & the past few months it has felt like she's been sabotaging our relationship, now to a point where she's straight ignoring me. I've begun No Contact & my plan is to work on my own Anxious style. I'm not closing the door completely on her just yet so we'll see how Time goes
My ex., Who I believe was avoidant, was reluctant to say I love you or any words of affirmation, yet was sexually charged
I asked her once why she couldn't say loving things to me and she said 'Words are so powerful'. She was basically saying, words mean more than sex
This highlighted to me that emotional connection should be discouraged but sexual connection is mechanical
I feel like I'm on the other side of this. I've always had difficulty saying emotionally-bound words. I'd always call my (now ex) girlfriend "pretty" or "hot". I only occasionally called her beautiful which I believe is the more emotionally attached word, which really made her mad. I said "love you" at night and only occasionally said "I love you", which also made her mad. I felt that my actions were substantial enough, but she wanted words. I was still in high school during our relationship so I couldn't exactly take her on cruises or give her wack-ass expensive gifts, but I took her to dinner often, paid for it, sometimes I'd cook meals as well. I held her hand, hugged her and kissed her (in public also).
I wouldn't say I viewed sex as mechanical though. I thought of it as a way to get emotionally closer and have fun. I've been accused of only being in a relationship for sex which really kinda hurts. I'd take emotionally caring and being cared for by someone else before no strings attached sex any day.
Anyways, I feel like I have alot in common with your ex so if you're curious about "our" thought process, I'd be glad to attempt to explain.
@@soskul442 Thankyou for sharing.
It's been hard.
You sound like you could Def give me insight
cmerrila@gmail.com
Craig
My ex would come to me for comfort and soothing when they had some kind of distressing conflict, but they ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT RECIPROCATE comforting or soothing me whenever I was faced with a conflict. They would completely shut down and even dissociate and block out everything if I came to them for comfort. It's an awful feeling to learn that your partner will NOT be in your corner and not have your back. It's the opposite of being part of a team. In fact the idea of being part of a team seems completely foreign to them. And they could not or would not even acknowledge this behavior, they absolutely HATED talking about any of it. The worse part was that my partner did have SOME wonderful qualities, so it was a very "Peaks & Valleys" relationship. I also have to agree with where you mentioned how they hooked you early on with the sex, my ex was really intense in the bedroom, I did not realise this was ALSO something common amongst Avoidants. Though my ex was very physically affectionate with cuddling and holding hands.
I am jst 🤯🤯🤯 i wish i would have found this before i had my breakup! This video was an amazing insight. I am jst mind blown right now 🤯
I was blown away too! I was in a relationship with an avoidant for two years and always felt like he was hiding something. When i came across this video, i felt like i unearthed a massive 2 year secret that made it all make sence.
This reading is just to depressing we might as well don’t even date people, so we don’t have to worry about their so-called attachment styles!
Just start working on yourself. It takes a while, depending on you've never address these issues. It did with me. I'm an older guy. I've worked hard on my self for 8 years now. There's a lot of pain involved. Lots of ups and downs but once you start feeling better and become more aware, you will see the light of day. Don't give up.
Thank you for making all these videos and making them podcasts. I have been listening to them all week at work. I mean like 10h/day just soaking it up. You're both excellent speakers and have appealing voices also.
there is a love specialist who helped me get my ex back after 2years of divorce
+=2=3=4=8=0=7=0=7=6=8=9=9=2....
Amazing!!!!! I was with a borderline. He was neglected as a child. He is now 51. I feel so bad for him. Believe it or not he is a sweet soul. We were together for 10 plus years. But he supported me emotionally. This is a crazy situation. Thank you again. ❤️❤️👍🏽
Fascinating. This is someone I dated for over two months to a T. Only thing is I really felt she loved me at her core but she couldn’t exhibit it. I believe she tried to show it but that was very difficult. Any time she took action by making a dinner (once) or said something loving (saying “sweetie”) she’d say it with great trepidation or I’d say fear. Her voice trembled and shook. It’s not until we talked about exclusivity that the next day after a night of happiness that she breaks everything up without a good reason. I always felt she had the love inside but no ability to show it otherwise she’d crumble. She’d say she wanted a relationship and even kids but when I present a secure space for that then she says it doesn’t work. Was very confusing but this makes total sense.
Thank you, thank you, and thank you again for this video. Everything you talked about is exactly how the relationship was. I was hoping this man would come back but I think it's wise I move on and continue working on my own anxious attachment and become a better, healthier version of myself. The 2 of you are absolutely awesome. Thank you for what you do.
Avoidants people are exciting the beginning. However, the performance ends in chaos. You recognize the signs run.
this is so so accurate, my ex was so avoidant and I think that is a reason why we broke up
I am an avoidant but I've "done the work" so i don't view myself as difficult as highlighted in these videos
I've got an anxious attachment style and had a relationship with an avoidant attachment style. It was amazing at the beginning but then it all started, it was terrible absolutely horrible and I'm still trying to get over her, pity I didn't know about attachment styles at the start and I wouldn't of got involved.
Awesome Craig and Margaret. This explains so so much. My relationship is so hard and the rejection comes out of NO WHERE and always after an awesome experience. Sometimes the sex seems mechanical. I do give small compliments which turn him from quiet to almost grandiose...We talk about my problems all day long... he wont talk about his, makes jokes at any problem that arises... calls himself stupid aloud when he makes mistakes. If you push when he distance himself, he can be rude and quite mean. Then try to make up … He expects me to always give in and chase. I know I have abandonment issues "daddy issues" that I am finally working on. When I get a little anxious … he says " you may need to get more counseling" then turn cold and go back being busy doing nothing. I love him but it is hard!
what do you love...?
the pain?...
I’m an avoidant attachment style. I’m trying to fix myself, but don’t know how. I ruined my 6 year relationship. I didn’t push her away on purpose. This is a cry for help.
I don't know how to help but great of you to step up
I`m in such situation, going on a night out everything great, few days latter back off. Than she says - when i`m with you i few i want you, but later i don`t feel it that way...
Very good video but very sad as well...when you in love with someone like that 😢 I wouldn't have enough energy to deal with it xxx
Please do a video about healing an avoidant attachment style
Most likely you will get hurt trying to fix someone else. You can only advise them to seek counseling/therapy. They have to be willing to change themselves.
I am avoidant but didn’t know it but my ex knew I needed space from time to time and we would communicate it. Just sometimes she would go over board and try to give me a whole week alone and I think that’s because it upset her that I needed space when I would only want 1-2 nights to my self.
Did you communicate that? DAs assume their partner can mind read.
Your videos are incredibly insightful. You have helped me to better understand a tremendous amount of issues and get through the most difficult times of my life. Thank you so much!
I'd love to see what you guys have to say about validation addiction. It seems to relate a lot to narcissism, cheating, and self esteem.
Love you guys!
I dont know that validation addiction would be part of narcissism. Even though narc may have low esteem they definitely would not show it nor would they seek validation. I sometimes get tired of hearing that you are the only one to validate your feelings but many times I have found comfort in knowing others felt the same and it helps me.
@@samanthahouston2324 I disagree. Only because I see validation stemming from a deep rooted need to feel accepted. The overly concerned men I've met through online dating--as well as guy friends who do this--engage in this behavior to feel superior. The compliments and flattery is over the top. I just see variations of it; not one form of it.
@@Agent_L84 that is interesting. I know they seek the highest respect they can. I know they like being the center of attention which would come in the form of validation. It becomes confusing because different places on the internet will either make you feel like you are one while others will not. You do not have to agree and actually thanks for disagreeing. I respect your thought about it and it made me think about it.
I dated a girl with an avoidant attachment Style for five years broke up three times and I wish I knew about attachment Styles I would have handled this different but the third break up ripped my heart apart so I'm finished way too much work do yourself a favor if you do come across a person who's an avoidance make sure you know what you're getting into good luck
I so wish I knew about attachment styles a year ago. I've been broken up from a relationship for 2 months now and it was 6 months. Had the best one yet, the good was the best and the bad , was absolutely nothing to be worrying about. Little squabbles. However my ex gf, turned out, now I know to have an avoidant attachment style. So many factors add up. Unfortunately I cannot talk to her about anything. Whether I will I don't know. She said I would never see or speak to her again. Charming that for the compliments and effort I got one minute, to then the cold attitude and behaviour. But one thing that stood out on this particular video, was the emotions. Barely any emotions, apart from ones that seemed over the top. And a particular time I lost a family friend, very close one too. She was there for me the day he died, 3 days after that, she decided to get emotional, blame me for ruining her day and say she took my behaviour personally, but at that time, the grief hit me so hard by that point. I could never get an answer when I challenged that either!
My boyfriend is very physically affectionate but doesn't talk about feelings or acknowledge mine.
You guys have nailed it. Such a great knowledgeable video. That’s know how they treat you in the beginning. . And 1 month later they gone. They are totally stranger person.
My family finally put my father in a facility for his Alzheimer’s; he ghosted me immediately, when I needed him the most. 65 years old this man.
This video is very informative, but it appears to have little empathy for the avoident. There seems to be advice on how to deal with them, followed by skepticism as to whether any of it will work. The feeling I left with was don't even bother with avoidents. Is that the ultimate message here?
Yes run run away
Yeah it seemed like that to me too... I came here because I’ve lived through major trauma. Had a crazy life. Was sexually,, physically, and emotionally abused and wanted to understand how my attachment style might come off and what I could work on because I’m so scared of people and love. Everyone in this comment section is saying “run away”. Like I-
@@brittneyarends7143 hi! I would advise you to take a look at the videos of Thais Gibson of the Personal Development School. She has a lot of videos about dismissive avoidants in a very empathetic way. I think you might like them.
I am not very close with my family although I still love them. I moved out of the country and live by myself. The reason behind I feel this way I guess, because when I was growing up my parents where very protective to a point of possesiveness. I am the youngest of 2 and my sister because she was the eldest thought she can also be bossy (I know its normal in families). But I started to become very frustrated and irritated at the fact that I was always looked at as the young sibling so my bounderies for them did not exist to a point that I started to become very aggresssive towards them to keep them at bay and started to do my own thing without asking or telling where am going. Once moved out I felt a huge relief that I have much more freedom. But in relationships I like closeness, I like intimacy and I like to listen to them when talking to me about work problems etc and never tell them to get over it or cut them off, even with friends am the same. I do get over a breakup very quickly I admit that, am 40 and my first break up was when I was 16 if correct and my god I cried like a baby and lost lots of weight as I was hardly eating lol. I remember getting back together but we broke up again a couple of times and then she broke it off for good but by then I did not feel anything and got on with life like nothing.. I guess I wanted the same thing.. after that relationship, every break up I had it never bothered me much am not saying I don't feel sad or the need to talk to them but I just get on with it and any urges of contacting them I control them. So after all this I don't know what does that make me... an insecure attachment or secure??? Sorry for the long story.... just a confused person 😂
So if someone who is dismissive starts pulling away from you is it because they might actually have feelings for you but they are afraid of feeling the way they feel? As someone who is healing from codependency and anxious attachment, I am very wary of even getting involved with this person, yet, I also cannot stay away. A part of me wants to help him but another part feels that A. he isn't what I want, and B. he needs to help himself.
I hope you stayed away
Thank you for this information and another excellent video. I'd love to see a video on approach/avoidance, the signs to watch for, why the behavior occurs and how to deal with someone who has this disorder. Thanks again so much for all of the information both of you share with us. It is very much appreciated!
I've been reading the book Attached by Amir Levine. If people with anxious attachment shouldn't date avoidant types, secure people never date avoidant types because they get turned off by them, and avoidant types just avoid each other... Then are avoidant types basically going to end up alone?
You are so amazing! Thank you for sharing this so so so much!
This video helped me to feel understanded! This was my favourite video so far!
Wow! I have an anxious attachment style and have been dating an avoidant on and off for about 2 years. Things are great, and then he breaks up with me and disappears...consistently. I need affection and he is unable to give it. He basically fits every point here to a T. It makes me sad, because after this last breakup, I'm faced with the realization that it can never work. Your video opened my eyes, but also makes me wonder if he could ever be in a lasting relationship. The funny part is, we were in no contact for 6 months and he came back, professing his love and telling me he missed me and wanted me to be in his life because I "get him" and make him feel comfortable. We had a great 3 months and he was different (for the better), and then he shut down and broke up with me. My head is spinning.
Wow 6 months NC! My avoidant ex contacted me in 28 days only to go silent again a week ago because after some nice convo I asked if we could talk in person. I’m back to NC.
@@lovebug9814 my avoidant ex also reached out to me 28 days after i dumped them telling me they missed me. I replied very diplomatically saying lack of communication was too much n i wished them well. Her reply " no worries"
3 months later they reached out again saying hello and hoped i was doing well. I ignored it. A month after that they reached out to my friend saying the same thing. My friend just said YOU TOO and left it at that. My friend also did not want to continue the conversation with her. I mean they miss me....ya? Of course you do..... but messages have to be more substantial than that.
6 months?? Im on 8 months!! Eeek!! You give me hope....whats the update to your situation? I miss my DA ex so much and yes im anxious....he broke up with me 8 months ago....
I feel that I ve an avoidant parent but because of u I know where I’m going wrong and correct it. Wanna ve a coaching hopefully I’m saving and soon we will talk. Thank you
Even if you wanted to hang in with your Avoidant partner, how do you even know if they want you around for the long term??!?
Great video. Valuable content. Love that I found you. Thank you for this material.
I'm now an avoidant person after 42 years of abuse from these types of people. They're monsters who enjoy hurting other people because supposedly someone hurt them as a child. It's best to just be alone, because if you're kind and loving, all you attract are the soulless, evil, selfish gorgons. We spend so much time explaining away their awful behavior when they should just be shunned by everyone until they decide to be human.
They're getting called out in videos like this and anyone who watches it will avoid them, as well be as all of the videos on narcissistim, people who have knowledge are turning on them.
They definitely know what they are doing. The guy in the video even mentions they come on very strong in the beginning so they can hook you. Once they know you are emotionally invested they go cold.
Are there levels of avoidant behavior?? I find myself sometimes acting avoidant and sometimes I’m a little anxious. How do you know??
Research Fearful Avoidant. Mix of both
Some are jerks and some not.light gray dark.Personaties
There are levels of everything
You can also be anxious avoidant
Nice timing. Needed this. Thank u both
So familiar point points! Right on with my ex too! She gave her all but when things got serious she got distant, scared and avoidant.
Your channel is helping me so much to be positive in my situation instead of giving up. Thank you so much! Would you guys ever consider doing a giveaway for those of us who may be unable to pay coaching fees?
I really think my Ex is an Avoidant
I’m nearly ready for your Workshop the Knowledge Craig
And I’m saving up to speak to Margaret
Many thanks Mathew Australia 🇦🇺
Awesome video bro & sis
Please just walk away if you still can, it's exhausting and made me an anxious wreck as opposed to the secure person I previously was, I got out after a couple of months it was a really confusing time for me and I decided to call it off, talked to her last week turns out she's talking to a counselor, hoping it works out for her but I don't know if I should get into the relationship again or not
The best way to have a relationship w/a avoidant is to keep it simple ,don’t totally commit to just them ,an it’s not ur job to fix them ,,,,have multiple partners ,the avoidant does just that ,so when they r “busy” u go out w/another that’s not busy ,,,it’s the only way 💕
Wow. Thank you. This makes a lot of sense.. Exhausted from the game..I quit ..he became the the dumper after.haha..what a confused AVoidant.
Amazing..my avoedent X told my when he broke up with me..I want you to be around but not next to me ..move on people never contact them they will never change
My avoidant ex left me 2.5 months ago. She up and decided to leave and moveout within a week after 2 years. Havent heard from her either. I dont expect to sadly. No contact doesnt really seem to bother them either
Unfortunately, no. The fact they no longer have to express feelings in a relationship, or be part of one is to them, a HUGE "sigh" of relief.
Exhausting , I’ve tried to break this cycle with a guy I’ve been talking to for years. So frustrating and painful
This cursed video. My dad and my new ex to a t. You two are wonderful. You make me feel validated as an anxious attachment style person. BTW, I just adore Margaret.
Avoidant people make you feel as If you were not enough,
Please do a video on getting back an ex who is an avoidant 🙏
Good luck with that... Honestly, from my personal experience, the best thing is to focus in understanding why you need the avoidant in your life. The relationship with the avoidant represents something that needs to be healed. The video should be how to develop the relationship with yourself.
Why?
Why would you want an avoidant back? They are not long term relationship material.
If you look up "avoidant attachment" in the dictionary, you will see a picture of my ex. I mistook avoidant for secure and masculine. I was so wrong! If only I knew then what I know now!
I mistook it for masculine too
Wow, me too!
You two are absolutly correct. I'm the avoidant & this is absolutly me 100%. I recently became open to the possibility of a relationship with "my friend" but it was to late. He was tired of making me see that it could work. I told him from the beginning that this is who I was an im only going to change if & when I was comfortable to do so. I miss his companionship dearly & want to call him but he deserves better than what I can offer him at this time. Im happy that I could at least WANT to care about someone on that level! #Progress
Call him , Try try try
@@Marnar-ge8vr She just said, she can't offer him what he deserves at this time. Why would you encourage her to reach out to him anyway?
@@bellaapple2166 you’re right, I think I was in a rough place 7 months ago, holding onto my own hope
I'm 15 years with my avoidant attachment partner and I'm just ready to give up .. he hasn't changed .. the o ly reason it worked for so long was because I have alot of trauma and was dissociated from emotion, after 5 long years of self work in therapy I'm in a better place but he is bringing me down. We have kids and a home together .. I love him so much but he won't change 😞
I have a newhew that's two years old and another one on the way I love them can not believe of how big he and his brother witch be here here till April getting yall hav a wonderful day
How To Date Someone With An Avoidant Attachment Style: DON'T DO IT
Yeah just don’t >
How about stop seeing them as 1D character and fix someone you like and love.
@@rajanlad That's the problem, you can't fix an avoidant they have to do it themselves.
@@markhunt9643 Yeah but my point isn't that the person shouldn't seek help. My problem is people giving up on others over things and not giving them a chance.
Seriously 😂
I know this probably is a horrible thought, but I really liked my avoidant. Is there any chance she’ll reach out? Can you do a video on it?
I know it’s a bad idea but things were going so well for 3 mos then she just bounced. It feels unfinished and I want to at least give things an honest effort.
It'll never go back to how it was. The beginning is how everyone gets hooked on avoidants, because we try to keep going back there but you can't. Better off for your own well-being to let it go, appreciate the memories.
The I want to give an honest effort so I could walk away knowing I did my best. It's her/him not me. This is the reason why many people stay with the avoidant until they can't take it no more... Is this normal or trauma bonding? Is the experience with the dismissive avoidant familiar to what we've been through in childhood for us to believe that if we work hard enough, if we be good enough we will be loved? - my thoughts while nursing a bruised ego after feeling so rejected.
Oh, geez. You hit nail on the head. My ex gf was very reluctant to kiss, hold hands or caress. I was always initiating contact and kissing. It was fun at first because I was in control and she enjoyed it. But I became tired of it. It was a chore. She's such a good looking girl. I'm really attracted to her physically. I wish I could have done more. :(
What's strange is that I'm older and she's 9 years younger than me, never married and no children, as am I. I'm ahead of her in this area but not enough. I wish things were more equal. :(
Omg sounds like my ex...no holding hands...etc...
Update on your situation, please? Did they reach out after the breakup? How long did it take? Thanks!
i was the avoidant. she was the anxious. 6 year relationship 10 years of knowing eachother. high school sweethearts. she pushed me away with my avoidant tendencies. by the time she left me she caused me to feel real genuiine love for her like you mention with the small compliments. she showed me i could trust her and she loved me truly. but at that exact time... she found someone else.. i want to change but this just has sapped all will out of me.
Then you should have got help your avoidance.
@@MTG9878 i should have. I didnt know what attachment styles were before the breakup and finding this channel. Im only understanding after its too late. Now im blocked and lost 45lbs. And it feels like its only getting worse.
Is there ever any hope to reattract a dismissive avoidant (or a borderline)?
@Andromeda I’m trying to release her completely. It’s been almost 9 months, but it feels like it just happened. I’ve never gone through a breakup like this before, and I’m trying to work through my own anxious attachment style. It helps when I hear that avoidants never reach back out...
@@bware0023 they don't.....they see it as being weak
Why?
@@MTG9878 actually dismissive avoidants can reach out to you too. Their emotional surpression can backlash at a moment of weakness, and that's where they wonder about the one who was intimate with them and never contacted them again after the break up. Of course some will dismiss those thoughts quickly and move on. But others will get into a memory loop and start to miss you. That's where chances are high that they reach out. But it's not guaranteed that they do that.
Craig, thank you so much for this video. It hit home for me. I would love to see a video that address what we can do if we CONTINUOUSLY find ourselves attracted to avoidant people. I am anxious, and it's feels like even when I've found someone secure, a few months in I'll realize that they are avoidant, and far TOO avoidant to want to see/deal with our issues. I'd love to know more about the psychology of why some of us are DRAWN to those who are bad for us, and how we can heal and find attraction/excitement in healthy relationships instead.
Rebecca Jones Yeahhh not everyone can afford therapy, and even for those who can, these videos can be a great source to bring additional thoughts into your therapist, but thanks?
Good Video to Understand! Thank you Craig and Margaret!
Dear Craig, I need you to put all your videos on iTunes. Thanks in advance ☺
My girlfriend dumped me because I got mad.I got mad because she said that she is unsure of her feelings and loved me as a friend.We had great 6 weeks together and then she just made up this problems that scared her and that changed her feelings!What can I do to help her?I love her and think that she is a great person but she has to work on getting close to someone!
I believe this avoidant couple was my ex s atachment style. Always waiting for her and she always inventing activities to keep us apart.