CPTSD Stuck in Fawn Response Trauma Induced People Pleasing
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- Опубліковано 18 тра 2021
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I fawn to keep my environment settled. Everyone has to be happy or I’m not. I need calm and quiet to exist.
It’s emotionally draining.
When I feel potential abandonment or any type of threat, I instantly flee. I try to protect myself from the hurt. I get attached to some people very easily. Sometimes it’s unhealthy, I become almost possessive. I’m aware and learning every day why, and how to correct it. I nearly lost my best friend recently because of my reactions.
Me, 15 yrs old. "Please Dad, please Dad"...me 46 years old " I'm sorry. I'm sorry
For existing, wanting/ needing/ spking my mind...
I get that. I was just talking to a friend the other day and realized that part of the reason I cried so hard when my dad died was that there was now zero chance of ever earning his love.
I also can identify with feeling useless and low value. When I was in my 20s I even seriously considered suicide several times so I would stop wasting the food, water, and air I consumed and leave it for people who deserved it.
This was the dynamic with my mother. She pretty much ignored me unless I was doing something for her.
Mine too
I have talked about childhood trauma with certain family members, Co workers, etc...The response I get from most is that "that was a long time ago" and "it shouldn't affect people as adults" I then respond with "then why do many parents take good care of all their child's needs...physically, emotionally, socially etc? ...and then I proceed to answer my questions with "because many parents know that childhood nurturing is essential for a manageable adult life." Their response is usually "people just make that an excuse for their behavior, their depression..." Why are some people so against this truth about childhood trauma and it's impact in adulthood?
Because they r abusers, u seemed like u r trying to change them, that's codependency, makes u a sitting suck
I so feel the same way. They are uncomfortable with your truth.
Trauma doesn’t leave it’s always there
Ignorance is bliss
Bc you hit a nerve. They either abused someone close and are ashamed. They could have had abuse and you discussing it is making them uncomfortable.
I can honestly say I'll never be a people pleaser again
Wish I could say the same. I am improving but I have a LOOOOOONNNNNG way to go
That's great! Working on breaking those habits myself! Change is possible
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Your in the right place. Here with Michelle you'll get there one day at a time
I had my big break through last year it's so nice to be able to feel love and enjoyment
I still have a couple triggers ....
@@swanzilla1982 ty for the encouragement. And I know Michelle is the right place. I am also in abuse counseling (by phone because my province is in our third lockdown)
I used to be a people pleaser. Stopped being one around 2018. It was very freeing once I stopped caring so much what people thought of me and stood up for myself.
This explains so much. I fluctuate between this and lashing out. I would like to just find a happy medium where I can be kind yet assertive and strong. At least I know what I need to work on thanks to you. Your channel and videos have given me a whole new outlook on life.
Yes, I can be the same way...one extreme or the other. It's so challenging to break these patterns, as they are the only reactions I have ever known, but i am trying to pause before responding to intrusive or critical comments and also trying to stay in touch with my body, which is not the norm for me. So, if I feel tense or uncomfortable, I let it be known that I don't like the way the conversation is going and that my intention is to have a peaceful day, so I need to go or get off the phone, etc. This is not as easy as it sounds, but I think with practice, it will be second nature at some point.
So true
I am a fawn-freeze. I think I freeze as a result of so many double binds presented by my parents and my ex, and trying to please everyone at the same time.
Fawn freeze is terrible
I feel like a nervous butler on standby
I grew up thinking it was normal to be met with a blow up for asking for anything! New clothes, different food, toiletries, pet food! I never understood why my siblings never tried to appease my mom and I felt like I was the only one who knew how to quell the situations. I grew up with so much anger and resentment towards my siblings, but this gives me so much more enlightenment. Thank you for posting these kinds of things! I would be interested to see more facts/recovery techniques for Fawning.
Could the volume be increased? I have my iPad on the highest level volume.
They are normally louder. Not sure what happened today.
I find the volume discrepancy very contrasted also!!! (between adds vrs video) thank you 🙏 😊
Agreed. I like to listen while I work but the slightest amount of background noise drowns this video out
Get headphones and read subtitles. Ffs
Why should I?
I grew up with an angry raging narcissistic father who would be quick to criticise our mistakes and always be vocally raging and critical against anything and anyone that antagonised him including close family whom I loved. I felt very frightened and stuck in the middle and had no option but to fawn in hope he would calm down and be normal. I wish I knew this was futile. I always felt guilty wanting to see family and friends and connecting with people seemed very wrong and so I withdrew from moving forward with my life. I even went through a phase when I accepted this to be my life. I am 49 and now and have over the last 5 years or so been enlightened by videos on this subject which I am really grateful for. I feel so enraged, let down and depressed and hope I have enough time left to get my life back on track.
Same here. And I'm terribly scared.
You totally have enough time. Once your eyes are open you will start really learning. Take a breath and don’t respond in future. Let the logic in before the emotion. 💪🏻
Me too! Just figuring all this out at 49!
It did feel like I was watching life as a movie and I was watching actors literally.
I did have to behave in certain ways to survive as a child.
Child learns that expressing internal need-to-feel causes X to react negatively which impacts child. Child chooses to avoid X-backlash by replacing child's internal need-to-feel with X's external needs (coping-mechanism). Child regulates their behavior to meet X's external needs, in order to keep-the-peace. Child's behavior results from 'false belief' that internal needs are unimportant, or cannot be met. Child, now Adult, must 'rewire' brain to find internal needs, and, then, adopt 'positive belief' that those internal needs are important and can be met.
This definitely sounds like me. I have been a people pleaser as an adult for longer than I care to admit 🙃. Great video, as always 💝
I've been studying this for a long time and that was one of the most concise and clear explanations of the fawn response. Great job Michelle and thank you.
This spot on describes me and what I went through. I guess I helped create the appearance of an idyllic family by not rocking the boat. We still have that appearance because, since my parents are elderly and are somewhat accepting of me living far away and they are wanting to stay connected, I pick my battles. I am trying hard to avoid gratuitous praising and gushing over them,which can make it quite awkward at times, especially when they are fishing for it through love bombing me. It's just hard hearing about how great we had it as children and show supportive the are. There's no point in disagreeing now, but I do avoid appeasing them by fawning, which I think leads them to try harder to elicit praise.
This is the best description of how iam, what happens after childhood every narcissist will abuse you and you don't understand why, no self esteem no identity no boundaries people pleaser, so sad what an existence
Thank you so much Michelle. I’m beginning to be able to speak up for myself when toxic family members say something cruel or abusive. I see now that my stunned silence was a fawn response. I’m trying to accept that this will likely always be the norm with these family members and stop being so surprised by it as if they haven’t already behaved this way hundreds of other times.
Thank you for what you are doing. I have found your channel and others like it immensely helpful!
Thanks for this. I look forward to more videos on this. I was raised by a very authoritative narcissistic father who used gaslighting and fear my entire life to control and manipulate me. Fawning is all I know. I want to change so bad.
I hear you. Same here
I don't know how to stop fawning either and if I find myself doing it I feel stupid.
This is so true, it feels exactly the way you are describing it. CPTSD is a big burden. But knowledge is power and when you start recognising what is going on you may slowly start your healing. We need to rewire our brains and be patient. Thank you Michelle.
He has trained me to act terrible tho and I do it to "end" it faster I can't take his rants or looks anymore
Thank you Michelle. This video was the most perfect description of exactly how I was forced into fawning. After years of fighting, years of fleeing and moving to other parts of the country, I decided to be the most caring, and loving person I could in the face of abuse. Only to find the trauma was stuck inside my body and I was trying to keep it numb. Now that this parent has passed, the healing and recovery has taken on a life of its own.
Need to record in higher volume please. Good channel.😊
Always great information. I wish I could hear you better tho.
This hit the nail on the head!! My whole life I was never allowed to express my emotions, if I was hurt from a bee sting or staying home because I was sick, my mother ignored me. After 50 years of living that way, it still affects me, I may hurt myself by banging my thumb in a cupboard or bumping into something and giving myself a deep bruise, I just let myself feel that pain with no expression to it, like it doesn't matter. I'm looking forward to more videos about this!! Thanks so much Michelle for your wonderful video's!!!!
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My husband calls me brave but its just the way i was trained growing up. If i was ill somehow i would incur my mothers displeasure
It has been hard to get out of the fawn response even as an adult.
Michele -- I am so impressed with the progress of your channel since I've been following you....your subscriber-ship has practically doubled. You have such insight and wisdom, especially for such a young woman. You're doing *such great* work and I just wanted to commend you and thank you too!
Michelle the volume needs to come up 👍 I had to put my phone to my ear so I could hear everything.
My dad was like this, a narcissist and I had to do everything not to upset him but I still upset him. I let people use me sexually because I didn't know how to say no and I thought I had to please them, this is my 3rd marriage to an abusive narcissist and I'm so broken and don't know anything else, I'll always just be a shell, pleasing others while I get abused and I won't leave because I can't take care of myself anymore
Hello sister, im really sad to hear that..what do you do in life right now?
me too. I don't really know who I am anymore. I just do things to make other people happy.
I screamed at my mom... I was sharing my emotions regardless as a child
Omg! This is so me. I was Scapegoated for the first 19 years of my life by my birth mother. She was a tyranical explosive rage-o-holic. and a Covert Narcissist/ Sociopath. I barley made it out alive 30 years ago. After that living hell, I dated and mainly attracted Narcissistic females for 30 years. Some were even Sociopathic! I stayed abandoned my true self for 10 years with one and 6 years with another. Ugh.
I'm glad I chose singlehood for over a year now. I've been healing myself with online groups, Tele therapy and clinical psychology studies. I'm tired of fawning and doing the Self abandonment thing. It's just too damaging. My life is peaceful now and I done want anymore Cluster B Females in my life.
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I don't even understand what feeling is, except for when the stress builds up and I feel nothing but rage, claustrophobic, and wanting to rebel and break things. My emotional life has been a bungie cording between these two states over time. People pleasing to rebellion to people pleasing to rebellion, all the while blaming myself for being too selfish in both states.
I literally do not even understand what an authentic self even could possibly MEAN. What even IS a need, a voice, a sense of self?
Im sorry brother, im sure it's absolutely painful.. yeah, unfortunately maybe we lost or left behind our authentic self and forgotten a very long time ago in childhood
For me Have no sense of self is really sick in life
Would talking when you don’t want to, perhaps over sharing, telling your own secrets, offering opinions, fall in this category?
Please turn your volume up! Thank you!
Thank you for this…. Really struggling with Fawning response right now and im in my 30s…. You giving here a glimpse of the WHY is a good place to start… God bless you!
Wow!! Thank you for sharing!
Michele... you are an absolute life saver, I’ve been looking for this exact topic for so long, I can’t thank you enough. The more I learn the more I choose freedom over anything.
When I was a child between 5-13 my birth mother would rage at me when I said I was hungry. She would say you're not hungry, people in ( ) are hungry.
It was a traumatic exhistance until I finally left at 19. It's amazing what happens behind closed doors of a Narcissistic house.
Hello there..how are you now? Are you feel have a problem internally or in your personality? Do you feel grounded?
Wow this is exactly how I feel. I've recognized the issue and now I need to practice healthier habits in a safe space. The hard part is finding a safe space besides my husband
Deer in the headlights...yup I dead
Some of this does resonate with me.
You’re awesome!! Thank you, Michelle!
Thank you. This is very helpful.
They did re-wire my brain somehow.
Thank you Michele
Thank you very much for this information. It really opened my eyes to the truth 🎉
My second oldest sister did the fawning and she still is a ppl pleaser to this day, I was a fighter I had the most anger because I saw my sisters get abused, I'm the youngest, the eldest checked out and rejected all from parent, my only brother did all he could to make parent happy and sacrificed his childhood and teen years to work for parent, the third oldest is still trying to get attention and approval from others and is a bully about it sometimes. As far as feeling, I do not. I cry when things make me sad but when it comes to my own feelings, I shove them down and make light. I really should be mad at certain things and I take a lot of crap from ppl, but I feel like I am being weak by showing anger to certain ppl. We are all a little fkd up. We are all over 60 now and thankfully our mom was loving and caring but she had to keep the other one calm so he wouldn't flip out and hurt us so she was always jumping up like edith bunker catering to him. It was not a good thing to watch. Sometimes I take a lot of crap from my husband (he is a good guy but has his moments) when I really should put my foot down I just shut down or fight with him depends on my emotional strength at the time. How do I stop the reactive anger when someone steps on my toes? I go from great mood to you better run in seconds. It is exhausting. Thanks.
This is a wonderful tool thank you
This was so good. I have had issues with female friends my whole life. Now I know the "what, why and hows" as they say. Thank you!
I can’t hear this on Roku at all. It’s turned up and still almost inaudible
So true, now that I know, I can understand why I am going through.
Thank you, I found your video very helpful
I have tramendous struggle to even aknowladge my own emotions in stressful and personal social sityations. Usually the feeling of my goals and my agenda just disappears and I automatically fit myself to the needs of other person.
Like I had a blockade in my mind, that expressing my own emotions is dangerous.
Volume level turn up
Im finding the volume being a little low is a factor too.
Please check it out
And keep being amazing
Thank you!!!!
This is absolutely true.
This is so true! I struggle with this alot! 😩
Spot on!
I was 4 years old when I over dosed on baby aspirin. I was hungry. My mom was sleeping during the day bc she worked nights. I told her I was hungry and she told me to fix something myself so I did... I'm surprised I told her out of fear of getting into trouble.
I have my volume maxed out and can not understand what is being said. I really love your videos and truly hope you get the audio issues fixed so that I can hear what you are saying.
This explains my entire life.
Yep. Nailed it.
I may try your thrivers school of transformation in the future I think.
The worst part about this, other than the confusion and having a hard time accepting yourself (because you were groomed to be an extension, not an individual SMH.) It sets one up to be a feast for other exploitative people. Longing for a parents true acceptance, not being a puppet, but the later being their reality...you may find yourself being around more people who don't truly like you, but like that you are in servitude mode. I hope you all are well...damn Pinocchio syndrome lol. God forgive..I'm ready to live MY life. Peace and blessings y'all.
Yep. Fawning is my jam 😶
I have a line manager that soon is going to change after 5 years and she is extremely aggressive straight and I m afraid of her and everyone knows her too and I noticed how I fawn in front of her to stay away from her harm. Gosh I am surprised how I do it but I sustain a lot of emotional hurt out of it
I mean, its me in a nutshell. I used to get hit as a child and i would be a good/polite student out of fear the teacher's would report me to my parents
Yes When YOUR Narcissistic Parent GETS OLD…you get Torn apart…Be A Caregiver OR save Yourself I Saved MYSELF 🏴😎
Having been raised by multiple narcissists and catering to them all my life, it feels so selfish to take care of me and to say No to them. They guilt trip me. When do you consider someone as actually being selfish when they say no? Is it when they have alternate motives? Please share. This is so new to me
Thanks for your insights, do you think the fawn response is linked to analysis paralysis? (eg., procrastinating only work which requires lots of executive function to begin)
The volume is too low.
HELP!! How do I help my child without labeling the other parent as a narcissist?
Just describe the behaviour (your observations) and how it makes you/your child feel. I.e. crosses boundaries, lies, betrays, ... Choose what you accept and what not, how you choose to deal with it in order to protect you.
Wouldn’t a child like that likely be narcissistic themselves?
That is my problem. I live with a covert and extremely vulnerable and volatile narcissistic mother. Very controlling, she controls what I eat and what I wear and what I Feel!!!!! And she made me hate my father and he took revenge on her an she got vindictive with me!! She fights with me at night she didn't let me sleep as a child. And still loved her. Damn why do I still love her???! I part of my hates her and angry at her, but I know getting angry at her won't do anything. She always Denise her rage outburst as. Being my fault. Lately I've been recording her tuntrums. It helps me remember who she really is, during her long and decieving loving-phases. It's a nightmare. I have generalised anxiety disorder and very low self-esteem. I have trouble studying ne completing my PhD. She also shames me for my difficulties in my studies. And she takes all the liberties is insulting me and forcing me to do whatever she wants when she wants, even when I literally cannot! and she gets rageful and vengeful when I say I can't. I ended up with an immune thyroid disease! But somehow, I promise I don't know how it's happening but I am waking up, and Feeling my feelings again and defending myself. Thanks to all the specialists like you Ho share free mental health content. So thank you angles!!
how would you rewire this. I have it. I'm numb and can't feel my feelings and I have a belief "i'm not allowed to have needs"
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Sound is a bit low
I have a quick technical suggestion. If it's at all possible could you turn the volume up on your videos because the commercials are extra loud. Thank you for your work
Don't give up on life and the universe I know of a great man who helped you me fix my broken hear beat relationship and everything was restored to pormal in days without delay
Text him on WhatsApp
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I hope you consider syncing your channel to Odysee. UA-cam seems to frown on anyone speaking the truth about anything. Because UA-cam is run by narcissists.
Very numb
"Nothing left to do but smile, smile, smile..." 🎶🎵
Bullseye
The golden child is groomed to become a fawn, I was a scapegoat I was a fighter it took me many years to realize this cost me my health I had a horrible relationship with a beautiful woman who is a narcissist that ended three years ago, I just had A stroke hemorrhagic and ischemic where I almost died technically I did for 20 minutes, because I am a scapegoat my parents haven’t even talk to me about it since I’ve had my stroke they never called no card no nothing but my sister is busy traveling this weekend Father’s Day to go be by my dad side, I told her a month ago or so That she should have her own life she spends all her time traveling down to see them and I understand especially because mom has dementia but my dad is so controlling over her That she has wanted to get a pet for a long time and my dad told her no granted now she’s 49 years old and lives 600 miles away from them but dad controls Her life he doesn’t even talk to me but that’s OK cause I won’t let him control my life he’s done enough damage in that department… So I finally convinced my sister to just get a cat she loves animals so much and she did she found a cat that literally walked up to her front door and adopted my sister I’m happy for her she will figure out that she’s a fawn sooner or later…
That's why people also tend to radicalize with religion in the west. Ethnic minorities often don't get enough recognition through education and highly paid jobs. Due to poverty and incompetent illiterate parents they didn't have a loving upbringing as children. They tend to flee to religion which 'ill give them recognition from the higher above. This often results them in backbiting fellow believers who are less pious. They take their trauma of not being good enough out on others this way. And the ironic misconception is they think they please god.