What Is It to Be Emotionally Mature: Part Two
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- Опубліковано 2 січ 2024
- Part One of this film is here: • What Is It to Be Emoti...
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FURTHER READING
You can read more on this and other subjects here: 9qq0.short.gy/sWpdRU
“Emotional maturity is a state few of us ever reach - or at least not for very long. But it may help us to try to lay out what some of the ingredients are so that we have an idea what we might aim for:
If we were to grow into emotionally mature people, this is some of what we would have learnt how to be:
- We would strive to understand the specific ways in which our childhoods had made us crazy. We would accept that most of what we are is shaped by relatively small events that unfold before we are ten. We would find a good therapist.
- We would notice the patterns. Perhaps we wouldn't need to keep trying to impress older figures of authority; or to fall in love with distant people who were involved with someone else. We would acquire a (low-resolution) map of our neuroses.
- There would be a little more delay between feeling something and having to act on it. We might even at times simply observe a feeling and do nothing.
- We could bear to listen. We would no longer cut across and say, ‘That reminds me of something…’ just as another person started to share their story. We would soothe our own wounded egos into silence, look warmly into their eyes and say, ‘Tell me more, this sounds so interesting…’
- Fewer people would strike us as being either very good or very bad; we would sense the struggle in everyone to keep afloat. We would judge that we were all a mixture of the good-hearted and the egoistic. We would have less of an impulse to stone wrongdoers.
- We would take measures to stay pessimistic about how things turn out; we would remind ourselves on an hourly basis that all relationships are riven with pain, all business ventures are maddening, and all families are demented. We wouldn't feel so persecuted; this is how things universally are (it's just that other people carefully omit to speak about it). We would get less hopeful and - therefore - less bitter and less furious. Of course, things are often slightly disastrous, of course, we have made some terrible mistakes, of course, we have been betrayed and treated badly. It would all feel eminently and supremely normal...”
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CREDITS
Produced in collaboration with:
Hannah O’Brien
www.hanobrien.com/
Title animation produced in collaboration with
Graeme Probert
www.gpmotion.co.uk
That brief moment where you catch yourself before saying something rude or discompassionate is very powerful. Everyone is going through something and there is hardly ever a reason not to think before your speak.
Oh shut up
@@dmd7472 🤨
@@dmd7472 Oh the irony.
On the other hand though, in the moment it feels really good to let loose of your mind. It is like eating something sweet. It tastes good in the moment but after it you feel bad, because it is unhealthy.
yeah but you must also consider that it is hard to always think before you speak, its something we have to be aware of consciously and all the time. And in heated arguments its easy to forget that
I'm 34 years old and I am doing exactly the opposite of these things, I wish I could stop being bitter and angry at the world all the time
EDIT: Thank you so much for your kind words, thos really encourages me to be better
On the plus side, being angry tells you what you don't want, so you can become clearer on what you do want. Life makes me feel helpless, therefore I will take steps towards things that make me feel empowered.
That's interesting.
I seem to have noticed a pattern of most normal people mellowing out through their 50's, to become much more at ease, although not everyone ever gets to that point.
Your human, so now you can choose to be better as we all must choose to as well.
My two cents: instead of thinking of it as stopping, choose channeling the flow of water/emotion to a less destructive place. As mentioned at 1:00 and the result is not lack of emotion but an empirical view that allows for more careful decisions/listening. And when logic gives two equal answers, emotion returns to break the tie.
OMG you're ONLY 34! When I was 34 I was a Grade A ass! Be assured, it takes many years to learn to let go of bitterness, to let go of ego. But it does happen. Your path will be inique, but for me, becoming a spouse and a parent helped hone my perspective.
Good fortune and wisdom to you!🙂
This was so compassionate. Like a friend or a parent telling me I’m doing ok and to stop being so hard on myself. If only my inner voice can be as compassionate and gentle as this.
I know a woman who is 69 years old and travels continuously, by herself or with friends. She stays on the move! She hikes in Yosemite to taking sailing trips in the Bay.
I was speaking with her the other day, and she was saying that her younger sister was complaining about not being able to do too much because of her age. It drove this woman nuts! She said to me that she is unable to move and do such things because she hasn't done so in such a long time. She puts limitations on herself. 😮
She is a wise woman. As Tom Petty once said, "Some grow young, and some grow cold." ❤
"We don't stop enjoying ourselves because we grow old. We grow old because we stopped enjoying ourselves."
@@waedjradi
True
We would start to get it right if we lived a thousand years. lol. The older I get the wiser I get the more I see those mistakes and have regrets. But I do have more peace and acceptance even with the regrets.
It's amazing how many people don't seem to improve with age though
would we? in the bible, before the flood, people lived for hundreds of years, yet the bible describes how the world was filled with violence and how it got so bad there was only one good family left.
I’m turning 25 in four weeks and I’m glad I clicked on this video. I resonated powerfully with the fact that life happens;disappointment is normal and there is no manual to life, thus easing any worry or anxiety over situations in my life that otherwise feel particular and awfully personal and tragically insurmountable.Thank you 😊
Getting older, I see my mistakes clearer. Regrets, sure, but also more chill about life. It's a weird mix.
I think we are always plagued with childish emotions, but growing up and achieving emotional maturity is about learning to shut those emotions down with logic, awareness and empathy. After time and wisdom they become faint and weak whispers. One shouldn't feel guilty for a pang of jealousy or suspicion, however the tools to shut it down with an 'adult' response the emotion that it is misplaced and borne from fear is more productive than being merely self reproachful.
Brilliant, deep, trenchant, concise, wise, intelligent, funny, and just plain excellent. Thank you so much, School of Life. I really appreciate you. : )
Yet another level is in not responding to someone else's emotionally immature fit with your very own.
Absolute class of a video to start the year. Adored this channell for may years now... Keep going please!❤
Wow, I will definitely be coming back to this video. Crazy just how relevant it is to the events I experienced today and how it gave me a better, humorous option on handling it that I would've never figured out myself. Thank you so much for this, as I am learning every day.
Thank you The School of Life and Alain. You are doing very important work. The videos are always worthwile!
The School Of Life helped me so much in life and relationships. I wait every Wednesday for a new video.
Thank you!
Thank you SOL for another excellent video. And happy new year to everyone. 🌠
All of these things I struggle with. I hope it's at least something to have the self-awareness that I'm struggling.
It is. It's like the first step to everything that's in the video. Be reassured!
Such a comforting video. Thank you!
I really appreciate these videos. Thank you ❤
That was helpful. Thank you 💗
Every single word has such depth n truth ...amazing insights. Can listen to it a 1000 times over. Excellent content n delivery in all your vids. ❤
Is there anyone I can get in touch with to seek permission to translate these two videos? A lot of people here in India need to hear these words in a native language.
in india people need toilet
@@mahakala Ha lekin usko online translate nahi kar sakte na bhai/behen
@@mahakala Why so rude?..
@@mahakalago there and simply open your mouth
@@Luke-ih1oc dont impose your lifestyle and habits on people
Take your time and really listen to these one by one. These are nuggets of wisdom that will take a life time to realize. I hope more people listen to this monthly.
I needed this today 😁. Thank you 😊
To be emotionally mature one should understand that one's adult life is anchored on childhood events
Sure.
We would no longer cut across and say, 'That reminds me of something...' just as another person started to share their story.
We would soothe our own wounded egos into silence, look warmly into their eyes and say, 'Tell me more, this sounds so interesting...'
YOUR CHANNEL IS A GIFT 💜 THANK YOU.
Loved this
Thank you so much for this.
Thanks for this video
Thank you 😭
I will do everything I can for now, I don't want to regret when I am older, thank you for your video
When I started watching this video, it had 10,117 views. At the end of the video, 10,271 views! What a delight to see the increase in count of the views.
The School of Life has been my favourite source on the internet and will continue to do so!
I am not sure if I agree with everything but there certainly is a lot of good advice here.
Very nice!!!
Thank you ❤❤❤
I LOVE THIS!!😭❤️
I need to watch this every day.
This is spot on.
Life's unpredictable.
I have been getting way better at all of this, and was so happy, managed to deal even with difficult situations and break up maturely until a couple of days ago when they overworked me, but i also exhausted myself with the festivities and just lost it. I feel so disappointed in myself even though I know it journey of ups and downs, improving oneself, but I really thought this feeling was behind me and that i won't have to deal with it again
Been like this a couple of times too. Whenever I think "now I definitely got it, I'm never going back to those old feelings again", they come back. I'm on a good ride now but let's see for how long it goes... But then it's all a matter of just getting up again. As Rocky would say, it's not about how hard you hit, but how hard you can GET hit and keep moving forward...
Ups and downs - same here - but we are on the right track
yes, I just fear people will get exhausted with me being the old self. But i guess they stayed with while i was mean and immature, some are gonna stay with me anywhich way I am I hope
@@sandrob.7232
@@sebastianemig6089 @sandrob.7232 you guys actually made me feel better, confirmed that's part of the process, I guess the downs have happen every now and then
well yes.. and... one could notice what seemed to be "wrong" had to be to learn. If one is bitter over their past it just means they did Not learn the lesson yet... So it will Re-peat and so on....
Let's shake it up.
Exhausting and people think you are weak and you bave to convince yourself you are not which becomes even more exhausting. Its a double whammy 😂
*have
No one is normal. Love that.😅
emotional competence is not only about self/other acceptance but rather self/other understanding and being able to use suffering efficiently to improve self and others. video implicitly promotes apathy, nihilism, not focusing on the role of processing emotions in reshaping values, competence and purpose, it bypasses the existence of good and evil. find it disempowering and enabling.
The wrong country; the wrong house. Heh heh,so cute. I should play this every day before I start my day. Thank you.🙏💜
Never knew resigning oneself to all that inevitable failure & disappointment could be so comforting. 😂
Lot of things to be agreed upon 😅👍🏻
Everyone’s just making it up as they go along.
Nobody’s normal.
Nobody knows more than just a little bit.
Black and white thinking is so hard to break, but definitely possible.
This made me laugh!
Plz start your podcast
TELL ME MORE THİS SOUNDS SO İNTERESTİNG
I wish someone could teach this to my parents. They vocalize their knee-jerk/emotional reactions, and they believe their word is superior to mine 100% of the time and true 100% of the time. And they don't believe their words are EVER hurtful, and they blame me if I try to point it out to them. They have been that way for my 44+ years; my mother especially, who seems to have the emotional maturity of a 7-year-old....at age 84. Unfortunately, I picked up these traits, but thankfully I learned and grew and changed and matured. I no longer act the way they do, and I no longer treat people the way they do. I'm no longer a garbage person. Unfortunately, not everyone is self-aware enough to learn, grow, change, and mature. It's incredibly sad. They began ruining our relationship from the beginning, and they always blame me. To them, I am an utter disappointment.
"All families are demented." Thanks for being today's confirmation of my choice to be childfree. I refuse to bear the responsibility of knowing that I fked up my kids, just like every parent has to some degree. That is too great a burden to bear, especially since I am one of those highly-fked-up kids and my parents accept no responsibility for their behavior and how it affects me/others.
Finally i was losing my mind waiting 😂
❤ 🙏
Sounds like more a lesson on forgiveness. Self and others.
Wish I could be emotionally mature... I want to be content with myself and not feel like an idiot all the time...accept my mistakes and move on with my life...
Maybe a start could be stop thinking of yourself using words like "idiot"?..
Forgive yourself first. Only with self love you can love others
@@sebastianemig6089False... I can love others while at the same time hate myself
I am sorry to hear that. It is a process of forgiveness and show kindness to yourself
@@al1techI disagree--from personal experience.
I love being crazy 🤣
Me too.
Would it be possible to do a video about checking in with your partner to avoid procrastination and have clean communication? What questions would be ask if in earlier stages.?
Is that not depend on your concrete relationship? Also sounds to me like you want to be in control of your partner. Also why should earlier stage be different from later stages?
@@nanashipersonne4151 thank you for your response. Always good to hear how it comes across. I think your right it should not be any diffrent too much from when you first met. I just ment checking in with that person rather than brushing over feelings that may come around.
I'm pretty shallow. I am gaining all the video describes as I grow older, I guess this the wisdom of age. But I don't want the wrinkles and grey hairs either! I want the beauty of youth!
It felt strangely good to remember that there is no guide to living.
Note to self. Keep expectations low and stay pessimistic 😀
But take care not to fall into nihilism! 😆 Life does have value after all, doesn't it.
An impossible list. _When are we ever good enough?_
I assume acting and thinking in a mature way, even if it's contradictory to your current personality, will eventually make you more emotionally mature?
Or is it something far more complex?
How can it be NOT extremely complex? 😆Talking about LIVING, you know... And, I understand that "fake it till you make it" might work for some things, but I'm afraid it's not the case for your own, uh, maturity!... Your own façade will be probably very immature... It's a lifelong process certainly, the video makes it clear it's more like an utopia to think we would ever "achieve" such a state.
In my opinion, the basic idea is that you become aware of the fact that there’s something you likely don’t know about yourself. You pull on that thread and, over time, you find more things that you were completely unaware of. Until at some point you realize that you never really knew yourself at all, and you probably never will, because what you are is always in flux and changes from month to month, and year to year. It’s about the process of searching for things within yourself, and by doing so, you will become more mature, emotionally and otherwise.
Becoming emotionally mature is not simply to try and act in a mature way. It’s to develop a much deeper understanding of humanity as a whole, and then to apply that understanding to the daily interactions with the people in your life.
“Everyone is more or less the same” is a rationalization in order to avoid living the rest of our lives under constant resentment.
What this does not address is how to discern those worthy of sharing life with.
💗💛💙
😂 drugstore wisdom... Honey we are beyond this blunt rationality. This is Sparta!😂
💋
I'm actually all of this, and yet I don't feel like I am. It's very odd being your worst critique. 😕
Not a huge fan of the newer endings of the videos. Makes it hard to focus on what’s said and not be distracted by everything around it. I know you need people to subscribe but I find it so distracting. Really takes away from the video.
Yees pleease! Stop minimizing the window before the text is over!!! I too lose my concentration.
Get better attention span
"There's no manual on how to live." Preach! I honestly believe humans trying to create a ✌🏾blueprint✌🏾 (and we HAVE tried 😒) for how to live has led to MORE miserable ppl.
Uggh.....it's all so 'Schoppenhauer'- forgive me for trying, but I'd like to find some raison d'etrai that has a *positive* basis for effort!
Isn't there anything in this life that you love? It is indeed all about love after all..
@@sandrob.7232 - I think you misunderstand my post.
What if I commited an act of violence (or sexual violence in the past, of course people commited sexually violent acts against me as a child, this is what happens...abnormal, yet normal). I'm truly ashamed of how I treated women, but it was the way (with maybe two exceptions) girls treated me when I was a boy. They touched me without my permission. According to Oklahoma law, that is sexual assault. A boy who was stronger than me, also sexually assaulted me. I also don't know how to talk to women (some of this has to do with autism, most heterosexual autistic men do not).
Please look for therapy, seems it could be the perfect place to deal with these delicate issues...
You are honest with yourself, at least in this regard. Self-awareness is the first step toward healing. The need to forgive what was done to you and what you did to others. I think you are on the right path. We all make mistakes, and yes, some mistakes are bigger and more damaging than others. Eventually, we still have to accept the past and carry on and do better in the future. Wish you the best.
Türkçe altyazı neden yok? Oysa ki bazı videolarda var.
Ok
@@saadliaq1590 What ok?
Almost sounds like “be condescending towards others”
Find a good therapist? I wish l could afford one.
there is a manual on how to live, its Qur'an
I did marry the wrong person so what should i do?.....oh ok. Uhuh. Yes i could do that. Ok thanks
"All families are demented"... I'm starting to think this advice isn't as helpful as we're thinking fam
Is that a valid reason for you to be bad to others just because you had a bad childhood? everyone had bad childhood days.
Didn't understand anything.
The first one was good. This one feels propagandistic from 1:41 on.
We're supposed to ignore people's sins and give them a pass? Does this include sex offenders, extortionists and cold-blooded killers? We're supposed to accept that the world is just crap like the meme of the Adventure Time dog sitting in the burning house, saying "This is fine"?
"Wouldn't feel so persecuted"? So we're supposed to accept persecution? It's all just supposed to "feel normal"?
You can be emotionally mature without having to divorce yourself from reality. You can accept that bad things have happened but not allow yourself to become a victim. Wisdom is prevention, dissuasion and correction, not acceptance of abuse.
I'm pretty sure this was not the intention of the video. Of course there are consequences for people's actions and people should be held accountable for crimes. Civilization is like that obviously. It's more an acceptance that anyone could have a bad day and make terrible things, including you... Sure, explaining does not justify one's actions. We must fight for HUMAN justice, of course, especially BECAUSE there is no DIVINE justice; and that means, following the law, and still seeing the value of that human life, despite the terrible things they might have done. More like, a person who committed crimes is like an earthquake or a volcano for the victims. It happened and there's nothing to do now but move forward. I think that's the "acceptance" level he's talking about. Doesn't mean they should get a pass in our justice system.
@@sandrob.7232 People don't usually do bad because they "had a bad day". With the exception of a few second degree murderers or less, most people who commit heinous crimes against others do so because they were thoroughly corrupted in mind, not because they had one bad day.
I know this from many personal experiences. It is my experience that it is naive to have sympathy or empathy for these people, because all they'll do is play on your naivete to victimize you. Naivete is emotional immaturity. Empathy is not in itself emotional immaturity, but having it toward malicious people is.
If someone yells at us, yes, that's a bad day, have empathy. A woman slaps us reactively because we said something that they took the wrong way - empathy. But if they manipulate us to rob us, then empathy is not in order. It's pure corruption; there is nothing to empathize with unless we ourselves are corrupt. That is a bridge to burn and not look back. Cutting toxic people out of your life is how you maintain a peaceful and emotionally mature life.
@Dismythed Ever heard of the story of a single mother robbing for the survival of their children? The truth is stranger than fiction as you reach the spectra of extreme circumstances. You will never know the truth as an individual. To think you do, is emotional immaturity, and at worst, delusional grandiose narcissism.
@@TheAncientColossus I cannot empathize with her and refuse to do so because she had a thousand other options. She was thoroughly corrupted to think that was an option. Rather than give thought to other options, she chose to endanger others. She was fulfilling a fantasy, not thinking of her children.
Yes, she can be forgiven, but that situation does not call for empathy. Once someone chooses crime, the time for empathy is over. Before the crime, there was room for empathy, even up to the crime, if she had turned around and decided not to, there is room for empathy. But the second she went through with it, the time for empathy came to an end.
If she were my wife, I could forgive her, but I wouldn't absolve her or empathize with her. I would shut her waterworks down and tell her that she needs to regain my trust.
The same if I were one of her children. Empathy for her would be dangerous to my own decision-making. I would probably want my mother back, but I would not accept blame for her choosing to rob a bank. She didn't do it for her kids. She did it for herself. That calls for no empathy.
Calling a random stranger a narcissist because you don't empathize or agree with him is emotionally immature, especially since you are neither a licensed psychiatrist nor observed any narcissistic traits in anything I said.
If I were interviewing You for a job, ... You're hired. No question about it. Even if not for the one You applied for, I'd find a place for You. I'm serious. You think like that, I want You on my team. That's some impressive sh*t You're putting down here.
Very Commendable.
VERY Commendable.
~TD, Boston
LOL - Here comes the corporate shill with more psychology .... Bad news first: you're not "normal" or not "normal" enough or not your true "selves" (???) and we can prove it with statistical studies or by spinning metaphors from literature and philosophy (yes, we can do that since we are the masters of the discourse) Good news: we have a fix and you'll take it whether you like it or not
444
drives me absolutely mad how every fuckin self help video acts like life is the greatest gift ever thought up
maybe, just maybe, the world is shit and we should be rid of it
at least humanity has Bitcoin and the hope it brings for a bright future
1st
So jist confirm what I've learnt to be true: Life is series of miserable events and experiences with brief periods of respite inbetween. 😂
Little drops of heaven! 😆 They are worth it...
*just
Fr
I disagree with this video. It is essential to stay away from arseholes.
Yeah, I feel like it doesn't emphasize the importance of protecting your peace
I don't need therapy, it's my parent's fault.
every school of life video summed up
Sounds about right
And therapy would be the place to better deal with it.
Pathetic mindset take some accountability
Why is this couple mixed race?
Wow, really?