Actually, we are very simple - we just need unconditional love and acceptance from our family and our 'tribe' as kids. It ia sad that most of us don't get that
@@paranoah1925 wonder why after 100's of years, parenting isn't begun at kindergarten. I wish I'd of known I would end up doing so many things I said I'd never do. Or overcompensate and still wound.
@@paranoah1925 In my opinion it really isnt that simple, but I do wish it was. Most parents didn't/don't parent consciously and many carry trauma that needs to be healed. By not healing it, we then project it onto our kids, especially if we arent conscious of it. The problem isnt kids not being loved or validated, the problem is parents with emotional wounding/inherited dysfunction that failed to heal prior to having kids. It's how generational trauma gets passed down throughout the family. Hurt people, hurt people. Healing is not simple or easy, which is probably why alot of people choose not to do it. My dad never experienced love with his narcissistic mother and therefore was unable to show me love. Ironically he saw alot of himself in me and it made him mad, which he of course then took out on me. Had he healed his wounds, it would have been different but he wasnt and isnt a conscious or self aware person. Someone else is always to blame in his eyes. I wasn't conscious or aware either, until about 3 years ago when I started healing from childhood ptsd. Humans really are complicated because most of us have emotional baggage and wounding that we have to heal, which clouds our judgement and alters our perception. 💙
It's amazing how unfair it is. I hate how much securely attached people completely take their innate stability for granted and it they go through an external crisis (job loss, divorce) they just "pop" out of their "depressive episode" after 8 months as a middle age adult then go back to "normal" with all their support systems and original self esteem reinstated. Like as if they just got pneumonia. It's kind of sickening to listen to secure attachment people yammer on about how they finally "popped" out of their sadness and felt like their old self again. And for me, there was never a "self" to begin with. I'm just angry and bitter about it.
@@PassionateFlower Ms. Preibe is offering a way out of thie delima. I feel fortionate now at 77 years old that if I do the work I will have succeeded in life. i have been in and out of homelessness and finally ten years ago I applied what what she is suggesting without knowing it. All of it sounds resonable to me now..
A lot of these issues come from enmeshment. When parents are traumatized and weak, they fear everything in life and trying to "teach" this to kids. Now, all of my childhood, I knew that I had a very different approach towards life, but my families overbearing made me dissociate. My family members literally fear everything. Going abroad, getting on a plane, doing a simple work, going to club with friends. They are superscared. And if you are a child, believing mother "wants good" (maybe partially true), you may either internalize these or these may exist as a "fog" in your head. If you are a sensitive person, it is literally possible that you have problems with internal emotional regulation because the feelings you are trying to regulate are NOT YOURS.
Wow! I wish people knew how rare and life changing this information is. You could pay $$$$ for therapy for years and not get anything close to this kind of practical information. This is gold folks. Listen to this person.
It’s a privilege to be able to “work on yourself.” Some people’s days are full of working on other people’s selves, while contorting our own self to be what’s needed.
I think I hear what you are saying. I would say it is a privilege if you would categorize clean drinking water that way. You can't afford not to work on yourself. It is also more difficult to care for others if you have not. Best of luck
Finally someone explaining it in a very logical way rather than just giving out abstract information. Honestly these videos are really helping me out calm down my triggers.
Speaking as an anxious, if we try to compartmentalize before we've accepted the feeling in our body, it can feel worse because it feels like a parent walking away while we're crying. In working with depression, I've had to spend time specifically to recognize and accept it and welcome it in my body before I can "push through" or be productive, and this has meant that sometimes important things have fallen off or been put down indefinitely. But I think health and not deserting yourself are way more important than external responsibilities, if you've been prioritizing those for too long and muscling yourself through it.
Heidi speaks about the emotional/practical parts of how different styles react and there is a danger that anxious styles place too much emphasis on dealing with emotions which leaves them with more practical problems and vice versa for the avoidant style like myself so I think it really is about balance and being aware of what is going on in each case. Excellent point though , thank you.
@@goldilocks913 It's not indulgent and it doesn't take more than a few moments to practice. What takes half a lifetime is learning how to do it in the first place.
Yup! I keep rewatching her work because it is a goldmine of knowledge and I keep learning new things from the same videos. I was in therapy for two years but it was these videos that helped me find my footing, have a systematic approach to my self-work, and heal from my CPTSD much more effectively.
As a person who's struggled pretty significantly on both sides of the spectrum, I think of emotional awareness like mindfulness or meditation. Each time we notice how we feel, we build a muscle, and the stronger that muscle gets, our noticing, the more we can increase the gap in our reactivity. And as Heidi says, the next step is what do we do with the feeling? It's also helpful to think of rupture and repair - the better we get at noticing misattunements, especially big ones, points of contention, and making sure we revisit them and resolve them, we build the intimacy muscle in our relationships. The good will. The trust. The bank account gets full and starts collecting interest. And withdrawals, which are inevitable, don't hurt so badly. There is room for mistakes and accidents...and probably even intentional fuck ups.
Please pray for me to forgive myself for all the explosive anger I had over 25 years ago now ( at my husband) when I had not had any therapy or help self regulating. I grew up in tension and finally explosive anger. It was my "normal." It still haunts me. He died when I was just 39.
@@wendi2819 We're all just trying to live in the present when our bodies are stuck in the past. Love is the hardest thing there is. It completely organizes our lives and yet in many ways is invisible.
Intentional fuck ups is king. I do very often. Like: Well, I know that a confrontative talk will open the hell gates now. But I choose the hell doors to open because there is devils to burn.
Started doing emotion tracking along side my monthly cycle as well! Now I know almost to the day when I’m going to be sad and the days I’m getting a bunch of good ideas etc. it’s actually quite comical how accurate it can be.
this is annoying lol. i’m sure i will be excited for it once i stop being stubborn abt there being another thing i’m not doing for myself that i could be, but dang does living and not feeling shitty take so much work!!!
You know what I've been realizing more and more lately, is that anxious/avoidant styles have much more in common with each other than they do with secure attachment. (Rather than a model where secure attachment falls in the middle, like a spectrum.) I am definitely on the anxious side of things, but what's interesting to me in this video is that even though I spend most of my time drowning in and being carried away by my emotions, whenever I do need to get things done or have had enough of it, I use the avoidant strategy of just barreling through. I have very little capacity for finding actual solutions to my negative emotions. This process does take a long time and I discover new things every day. :)
Yeah I can relate to this too. I spent so long anxiously attached and was so emotionally turbulent and lately I’ve realized I’ve just completely shut myself off and avoided everything instead bc it’s easier to deal with but still not healthy 😅😢
Yes! It's not at all a spectrum, with anxious on one end and avoidant on the other, with anxious styles needing to become 'more avoidant' etc. I saw that kind of thing written online quite a bit and it's totally wrong. If it is a spectrum, with anxious on one end and avoidant on the other, where are fearful avoidants, who have the wounds of both? Anxious and avoidant styles are pretty much the same thing at the end of the day, and that is how fearful avoidants can exist.
I feel like a spectrum is the best way for me to visualize it because these attachments would be secure if they were more regulated, in different ways. A lot of people display all tendencies of each attachment- I think of a pendulum swinging back and forth on the spectrum- not erratically but time to time. An anxious attachment could use traits seen in secure attachment to get through something, or maybe “overshoot” and display avoidant tendencies
Yes, I'm so grateful I found her channel, I knew about attachment theory before but Heidi's videos really help me understand how it actually works and how it shows up in my life.
As I become more attuned with my emotions, the more I realise why precisely I was ever not attuned in the first place. My mum was never ever given any emotional support or understanding. She was brought up in hard times, and her parents lived in survival mode. The kids got washed, fed, educated, and then punishment was strict and emotions weren't recognised. So my mum grew up not ever being taught that her emotions matter. She was taught they were unimportant and not normal. So when my mum raised me, although I know she tried so hard and gave me as much as she could, she didn't have the emotional skillset in herself to build any secure attachments. She relies on anxiety, clinging and control to regulate because the waves of life and being human frighten her and she doesn't have the skills or understanding to sit in them and know what to do. I grew up undiagnosed Autistic, with a mum who didn't understand basic human emotions. I needed more emotional support than a non autistic kid, but she didn't know nor was she able to give that. So I internalised the belief that there must be something wrong with me. It followed me up until I found out at 25 that I was Autistic and felt finally allowed to accommodate my needs. I realised that there was nothing wrong with me, I realised that most parents are or were struggling with their unhealed emotional pain so it wasn't really their fault either. No one knew what we know now, no one helped or supported parents (especially mum's) the way we do now. It's humans being humans and it isn't personal. Now since unmasking, I am learning to notice my emotions, what they look like for me and what works best for me to be able to regulate myself. I decided that I do not care who criticises me, because whatever I'm doing or feeling is valid for me. I was holding back and ignoring and pushing through all of these feelings (a lot of that comes from masking!) And either avoiding them, or actively distracting myself from them. Being raised in a home where you are told that feeling or expressing emotion is too much, weird, wrong, makes you believe that having those feelings is wrong and that having them is your fault or that there's something abnormal about expressing them. Now when I'm feeling intensely, I lean into it. Cuddle up against it. Write about how it feels in my body, the patterns, my own behaviour while feeling these moods. My body and mind are just doing what they do, and I'm the nurturing observer letting them do their thing. I can't express how much everything this lady says works. Start small. Tiny. Just watch how your own mentality starts to change. It doesn't mean things are easy, but you just end up feeling so empowered. It takes strength to feel your emotions and express them.
Maybe this is what they mean when they encourage me to practice "mindfulness." Heidi's example of a baby experiencing sadness with a parent who doesn't connect - that really strikes a deep chord with me. No wonder I don't handle my emotions well! My parents were immature/narcissistic - they never connected with their kids' emotionally. Great stuff! So this is why I feel "out of touch." DUH!
The way you explain these concepts helps me get on board with the idea of parenting myself. I am so resentful for needing to do this. I find your straightforward, down to the nitty gritty insights very worthwhile. Thank you
Same here. I'm doing internal family systems in therapy and it's so hard trying to "reparent" myself. I resent my parents for leaving my siblings and I. I'm trying to tap into the nurturing part of myself that I know I have - I worked as a teacher in early ed - and learning to stop feeling like I don't deserve love, compassion, and attention.
After investing ~ 1200€ in courses and books, this (free) video just absolutely blew my mind. No one ever told me, that I am lacking the "finding a solution"-part. Crazy. Thank you a lot!
(non-native speaker) This channel is pure gold. I just discovered it, it allows me to put words and understanding on my experiences, and that helps A LOT. Thank you for your content
I don't know if any other anxiously attached folks relate, but from my experience... I also invalidate my own emotions, even if I feel them very strongly. I don't think it's only the avoidant people who do that. It's just that my invalidation takes the form of, "I know I'm not 'supposed' to be feeling this way, but (for whatever reason) I can't tolerate the idea of repressing it. So the only alternative is to have it take over and feel even more ashamed of it." Whereas it seems for the avoidant folks, it's "I 'shouldn't' be feeling this way, so I'm not going to acknowledge it. I won't let on that I'm feeling this to anyone else, sometimes not even to myself." Yes, absolutely, we anxious/preoccupied people do have a solution deficit as opposed to an acknowledgement deficit. But I honestly think there's self-invalidation on both ends of the spectrum. We just handle that invalidation in polar opposite ways. Does that make sense? Any other anxiously attached person relate to this?
I agree, not sure if you've heard of Dr Amen, he talks about removing ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) but writing and reflecting on 'what went well today' at the end of everyday. It's helped me so much!
Totally agreed a good night's sleep and sunshine is a boost to the day. If sadness starts to take over, getting on with the day's activities lifts the day and gives me a sense of achievement. Of course this means recognising my feeling and knowing that it is transitory.
As a disabled audhd the self parenting for years I've done, I'm 38, I still feel psychologically dilapidated. I'm also recovering from a terrible illness that was never properly diagnosed, 5+ years now. Been healing by laying on acupressure mats for years now. Still recovering. This information should have been taught to us from childhood. When I was still young and unburdened. I hope I can calm down enough to not still be so overwhelmed to implement everything
I had extremely bad back pain for years. Through luck, I discovered that I wasn’t dealing with my friend’s murder. After that, my back pain vanished. Now, when I have that pain, I sit and really try to see what’s going on in my life. Almost always, I’m not dealing with something. (I’m extremely avoidant.)
Yes! As emotional and mental trauma are healed and or become conscious it affects our physical health. It’s crazy how the mind and body are connected. That’s why it’s important to become mentally and emotionally healthy. God bless ❤️😊
Thank you for this video, it was very informative. I am 41 and just starting to understand and practice this It is one of those pieces that connects together the rest of the jigsaw that I was building. It brings together my spiritual practice, psychotherapy practice (I am a trainee), my shadow work, inner child work, mindfulness, my values (honesty, compassion, empathy, kindness, integrity, parenting!) That missing piece for me was true self-care / self-attunement. To truly be with, nurture, and care for myself. I had a very insecure/ anxious attachment, and I didn’t know what I didn’t know! With self- attunement I am cultivating the capacity to be in presence with whatever is arising. I am no longer dissociating and abandoning myself. I am fully in my body, knowing that I can soothe and regulate myself when difficult emotions arise. I feel like I’m finally transitioning to adulthood! My whole nervous system has calmed, I’m out of fight/flight mode. I feel peace within for the first time in my life.
Can we just stop and appreciate how Heidi is the most cheerful and smiling person who talks about CPTSD and other heavy topics on UA-cam? It's embodied optimism!
This makes so much sense. Sometimes I just want to feel the feelings... If that makes sense. I don't want to tell myself that I shouldn't be feeling that way. Or that I have to hurry up and stop feeling that way. I do get now though that sometimes sitting in that is what causes me to sink further.
I have been in therapy off and on for 20 years. I’m just learning about attachment styles. You are the first person to explain the depth of it. I have such a better of understanding how to heal myself v
I believe that this is the most important video I've ever watched in my life. Thank you so much for this content. it's life changing. this video is not to be watched only once, It's to rewatch multiple times throught the healing journey. it is very dense with information that a lot of us have not learned early on. thank you again, and keep up!
I pendulum between anxious and avoidant. I always thought I was was secure type since I didn’t fully connect to either and had a good sense of feeling what my emotion is and often can create and take steps to guide myself to a more balanced place or am able to address the causation head on and implement solutions to move me through different feeling states until I’ve successfully changed my trajectory forward. Both acknowledge my emotion, identify then take action in a desired direction. My pendulum extremes are getting very stuck in emotion, trapped, no one is coming to my aid or even notices to the opposite extreme where I push it down, suck it up, any emotion is overreacting and barrel through disregarding how i feel internally to externally meet a goal. However the way you describe it allows me to take notice of when I’m not in Attunement with myself. Take pause. Check in with my body and strategize accordingly without arbitrarily choosing a method (usually to meet other peoples needs or expectations). I think this will help me show up healthier in response to my feelings and needs and to individualize my actions by listening to what I truly need in the moment. And understand if it’s something I can change in my environment vs doing the internal work. Great job explaining this in a practical way.
The whole video was an aha-moment to me! I find it so specifically explained and well illustrated. Now I finally know how it looks like when caring for myself through various emotions. No one has told or showed me this before. My therapist expected me to do it, but how could I know what it looks like if I had never seen it before conciously. Thank you a lot for your video!
Thank you so much for posting these. I've been paying for online therapy and I know they mean the best but sometimes just trying to get to what I need to find is expensive and time-consuming. I love the way you speak and your voice cadence and I feel just very seen and calmed in a way, even if I still don't know what to do to fix myself I appreciate so much you making these beautiful videos with amazing articulation and I just really appreciate what you're putting into the world to help people through their inner mazes that no one asked for. Thank you ❤
I’m been discovering this in my personal life experience. And when I watch these videos I’m given so much terminology to express how I’m trying to pivot my relationship with myself. I feel confirmed! I’m Currently in the thick of Trying to stay consistent with this practice so that it becomes a pattern and not just a series of Moments.
My therapist and I are doing IFS and I'm still trying to understand it better. The term self attunement and how you explained it helped me better understand what my therapist was talking about. Thank you.
I’d never heard of any of this but am in the process of leaving an abusive relationship and have been going down a rabbit hole in searching to understand how I let myself fall into such a damaging life. This video is interesting because as I listened I realized that this is exactly what I did during my adolescent years- just not with an app.
This information changes everything for me. It makes so much sense and I have begun implementing these strategies. I feel hopeful that I will once and for all know what to do about my anxious attachment feelings and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Something that I have not been able to glean after many years of therapy @ $225/hour. My mind is blown, I can't believe how well laid out this information was and that it was free on UA-cam. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!
Thank you, Heidi! Your channel came up on my feed at an uncannily critical point in the struggle to move beyond a set of feelings and behaviors that have been with me all of my adulthood. 🙏🏽
Ive got so much to say but first of all, thank you Heidi for being here to share these concepts that improve our self-care. As someone whove been insecurely attached at some point in my life, whove been trying the best to consistently show up as securely attached, i find this very very helpful. I have been taking care of myself as a mother and child but I dont name the feelings that i feel. Id try my best to continously be attuned to myself. Thanks. More contents and viewers to come, heidi! Your contents should reach everyone.
One of the BEST videos on this topic and the attachment styles I’ve ever seen. You’re incredible at explaining and breaking all of this down. I can relate to ALL of what you talked about. Thank you 🙏
Watching this again has helped me realise how far I’ve come, thank you for making this help available. Was able to pick up on extra things I had missed the first time such as defining what I’m actually feeling and allowing it and also noticing when the sadness or whatever is no longer helpful and focusing on the solution. Thank you ❤
Thank you so much for taking to time to create these videos on your channel. I've actually recently found your channel as of like a week ago and I've learned alot about myself and ways I handle emotion and attachment. You explain with such great detail too and are very relatable. Thanks again Heidi!
This is one of the BEST videos I’ve seen on understanding oneself in relation to how you were parented. Thank you so much, I really needed this to understand my own nature (anxious with overflowing emotions). 🙏🏽
Thank you Heidi Priebe. This is such an important piece. I needed to hear this. Love all your vids. Yep one year later your vids are still out here doing a lot of heavy lifting. Thank you again. You pack every vid with information and you present so clearly and in such an engaging yet matter of fact voice! You make a difference.
I am loving these series. Learning these concepts now that my body budget is finally ready to accept it (as an anxiously attached person, I truncate it a lot), it is so useful and nurturing. Thanks Heidi ✨
Heidy, your advice makes me feel more hopeful for the future and more confident in my ability to make the most of my life. You have an amazing talent! I’m so glad I found your videos!
I love the easy to digest way you explain something I can overcomplicate. I know I had loving parents, who did their best, and I'm learning that I can learn attunement as an adult. My self-parenting style is inspired by my actual parents, which has been quite frustrating, yet after watching this video, I feel hopeful that I will become more confident and understanding with myself as I continue this process. Thank you!
I was fumbling around this morning feeling scattered and accidentally clicked on this while listening to another video. I took it as the universe telling me to slow down and meditate. I didn’t know I needed this but this was exactly what I needed . So perfect , thank you! I feel amazing and clear
I love you Heidi! You are amazing ❤ I am an relationship coach specializing in attachment theory and you are top notch. I’ve learned even more from you and man are you freakin brilliant! Thank you! ❤
i love love love your page. i have always been a deep thinker and you’re so spot on with some of the things i contemplate but can’t quite put into words all the time, super validating and helpful to watch your videos. Thank you. 🙏🏼
Thank you for making these videos available to the public. It helps me understand why I always push away/ignore any negative feelings I have and am learning how to understand how I'm feeling a little more.
just walking in to my house today, the sun was shining so brightly and I instantly thought - that's about at the top of my list of things that will make me feel better!🌄
It’s mind blowing. Where were you all my life I was struggling I still do self-regulation I didn’t even know the right term until recently. Yeah, really amazes me. I am deeply from my heart and soul grateful to you. I am so happy to find your channel I want so many therapies and not find anybody could help me instead, they were telling me I was depressed that they put me in depression medication, here you are telling me exactly what I need to change my life. I am 50 years old woman. I hope it’s not too late for me. My heart is shattered that I raise to kids without knowing what I was doing, basically blind leading the blind, God have mercy on me, I just don’t know thank you thank you. You are awesome.💕💕🌷
so helpful, I class myself as a fearful avoidant and I thought that was restricted only to patterns in relationships. I have now realised that emotions are part of this attachment style and they are here to help us and tell us when something isn't right. I am so happy I feel that I have a way to connect with myself rather than invalidating myself and pushing through until these 'unwanted' feelings are gone. Thank you, Heidi :)
I'm currently going through a painful break up and I sometimes fall into despair thinking that I'll never truly heal. This video made a lot of sense and oddly enough describes both my personality and my exes. Thanks for sharing.
This is all so new to me, im used to living in a low grade depression 24/7 and never cared to modulate or try to live depression free. Now when I feel an uncomfortable feeling I try to investigate the why and its been working well so far 💯 with tangible consequences such as being able to continue doing my work instead of pausing and scrolling etc. thank you for all you do fr
It's ok to acknowledge that feelings, don't stay in it. I am anxiously attached, so I resonates with what you are saying. Thank you for giving me the tool to get to the secure part for self soothing and self regulation.
Heidi, I started crying halfway through the video. But it was growing pain, finally manifesting itself into the realization of what I'm doing and what I actually need to do. I cannot thank you enough. I'm living a better life thanks to your videos and will continue to learn and expand my skills and knowledge on this, and to, finally, love myself truly.
I believe I suffer from insecure, anxious attachment issues, so I’ve been trying to learn more about it. I sometimes view Everything as black or white, and can make rather extreme judgments rather quickly. This video has me questioning how my neglect of sunshine, exercise diet and bedtime habits might trigger this type of thinking, because there are other times, where I am able to pause and work in the gray space. Throughout my life I’ve struggled with self-worth issues in spite of a fair amount of career success. You scored big points with me when I noticed the book SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM on your bookshelf, one of my go to Bibles when I need to re-calibrate and recognize where I might’ve drifted off course. it is crazy how our childhood experiences can have such a long term influence upon our lives, even decades after they occur…thk you
This is the most helpful video I've seen on this subject. It takes many of the ideas and condenses it all into one place. I also appreciate your sharing your own personal struggles, helps to normalize these things for me. Thank you!
This was SUPER helpful. The part that stood out to me the most was quickly mentioned and it’s when we make emotional decisions and end up in loops, we tend to try and think our way out of it when we actually need to act. That’s when a wise friend comes in handy and I need more of those.
Much of what you spoke of, certainly the expanded awareness aspect, is current moment consciousness. It feels like most of the steps in attunement are happening in the moment. Great insight and explanation, thanks
I'm working on this now. It's really important and I'm starting to see more grounding in myself. It's very helpful. I don't think people realize how important this is.
I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear this! Such helpful information!! Thank you!! And by the way, you have the most beautiful eyes!😍Love your energy🙏
This was a very well-articulated video. Thank you for covering all the angles you did. That is what we need - clear articulations of what we are experiencing inside. Often, we can be left with a sense of, “I knew that” (to some degree), but we weren’t able to as concisely translate our internal process into concise thoughts…for complete exposure and shedding of light onto something that once was in the shadows, no longer renders any power to that which wasn’t fully visible prior. Once something is fully understood, it can be dismantled, and we become more powerful and knowledgeable of it, than it was over you, very literally speaking…like a puzzle or Rubik’s Cube that once was a huge challenge to solve, becomes effortless to resolve once you learn the patterns and get the keys, and what happens in relationships when someone is extremely mysterious to us that pulls is in emotionally, then the mystery dissipates once you’ve really gotten to know them (FYI - the “magic” behind celebrities…don’t get sucked into the hype). “Magic” no longer is magic once it’s become normalized (such as smart phones, or any other previously inconceivable technology). It’s our unquenchable thirst for attaining more, more of the unknown, and what we are not, yet - it’s how we’re built, the evolutionary process built right into us to guarantee the perpetuation of life. One thing though, to be said about parents mirroring their baby - mirroring doesn’t necessarily have to come in the form of facial mirroring, or doesn’t necessarily have to be present all the time. It can be in the form of vocal tone a parent echoes. And if a baby has cried a number of times, and the parent is used to it, they may not mirror the baby at all, and just be a pure space holder for their baby to experience and let go of those emotional states, holding a smile while remaining in full empathy with the child. Emotions don’t always need to be articulated, as a child develops their own understanding of emotions, and begin to learn and interpret emotions on their own. Also, these techniques are as valuable to practice while in the midst of not only experiencing negative emotions, but positively-charged emotions triggered by external sources, such as when we derive highs from external approval, and build (internal chemical) dependencies on these external stimuli. That’s often the other end of the spectrum we’re kind of blinded to. That’s the magic behind marketing after all, to trigger insecurities and to provide products to feed our desires for external approval and external markers of “success”, to feel we’re somehow balancing those feelings of insecurity, when what we really need to do is come back to center, in balance toward neutrality…not endlessly teeter between the polar extremes. And it’s not about “erasing” your sense of self, but re-examining what has shaped your sense of self thus far. It’s not about emulating a Buddhist monk, but to find your own center. Thinking out loud while I write - hopefully this can be of help to some.
Thank you, Heidi. You've made the issue so clear and helpful. I'm going to watch this video a few more times. It doesn't really matter if I can figure out whether I'm anxious or avoidant because healthy works on balancing both sides.
*Emotions arise in the body before they arise in the conscious mind* it makes me so glad to hear this because I’m so tired of the idea that “our feelings come from out thoughts,” when our feelings actually come first. Correctly identifying an emotion is not thinking it into being!!!
my aha moment is about the fact that I try to avoid and supress my negative feelings because I believe that I have to compromise as I tell myself that there is no alternative. The alternative would be for me to say that I do not like the situation I am in (college,"friends", family) and that I will search for a way to be happy in that place . If this is not possible, I will have to find the courage and leave. The courage to leave would get me alone and lonely, but it is better to be alone than to be supressing your real self in the sake of others expectations.
My journey in learning emotional regulation is not easy. I haven't learned properly from any book. Only use my little knowledge and inner guidance. Anyway I finally come to have ability to regulate my emotions well. I healed from past trauma. Not just phycology I learn many knowledge ftom Buddhism Law of Attraction Neuroscience and Esther Hicks to have wisdom and tools to be the best parents gor myself. Thanks you so much for sharing this I learned a lot from you.
I think I can think or feel my way out of but actually I need to act my way out of.... Thank you for sharing your wisdom! You are helping me so much! I am anxious and parenting an emotional three year old and trying not to get triggered constantly by his outbursts.
This information was really clear and helpful. You've described a lot of things that happenes to me regularly and having ways to name and work on those things is invaluable. A big thank you. ❤
I think I used to be more avoidant and after somatic trauma release therapy became anxious. I think there were missing pieces for me to heal from. Thank you so much for making this easily digestible and tangible 💕
This was absolutely amazing! New subscriber here and I am anxious avoidant. I feel so overwhelmed with emotions and it will ruin my day. I started writing down my feelings and this just confirmed I need to make this a daily practice! Thanks so much for such great content.
Two to three years ago, I tried using Daylio for a month to test the app and check what insight I can get from my emotions but I didn't know it can that helpful for someone who has an avoidant attachment style. Gonna download this again. Thanks, Heidi!
Thank you . Listening to your Utube brings greater connection to my life experiences... At age 65. Including all the past still working through for a long time. I don't know if it is all the input and processing that has been available to me that helpd incorporate your experiencial training and education. Or if i received from you earlier in life that i would be making more progress. As life continues new experiences reinforce the past with new tramua . Well into Marriage, raising, children, my. Education and hobbies, i understand the self sabotaging influence from damaged early childhood/ life dysfunctional development. I was completely unaware the started very early but didn't recognize this was the root of additional dysfunction. Understanding would have saved alot of self hate, self doubt, suicidal suggesting, deep depression , that spilled all over my life. Regardless. I am very thankful i stumbled into your Utubes It crystalize everything for me to continue with life. The regrets are difficult to overcome. My self preservation consequence have dramatically impacted my relationships.is discouraging. The downward cycle of behavior and thoughts have been an archeological excavating work. 5:05
I didn’t know I was supposed to be self-regulating until my bf called me out for projecting my fears, anxiety and insecurities on other people. And I was like, oh, I’m supposed to do that naturally? Thank you for this video!!
Humans are hard work.
:D hahaha . indeed ;)
Actually, we are very simple - we just need unconditional love and acceptance from our family and our 'tribe' as kids. It ia sad that most of us don't get that
Indeed, we are. Ha!
@@paranoah1925 wonder why after 100's of years, parenting isn't begun at kindergarten. I wish I'd of known I would end up doing so many things I said I'd never do. Or overcompensate and still wound.
@@paranoah1925 In my opinion it really isnt that simple, but I do wish it was. Most parents didn't/don't parent consciously and many carry trauma that needs to be healed. By not healing it, we then project it onto our kids, especially if we arent conscious of it. The problem isnt kids not being loved or validated, the problem is parents with emotional wounding/inherited dysfunction that failed to heal prior to having kids. It's how generational trauma gets passed down throughout the family. Hurt people, hurt people. Healing is not simple or easy, which is probably why alot of people choose not to do it. My dad never experienced love with his narcissistic mother and therefore was unable to show me love. Ironically he saw alot of himself in me and it made him mad, which he of course then took out on me. Had he healed his wounds, it would have been different but he wasnt and isnt a conscious or self aware person. Someone else is always to blame in his eyes. I wasn't conscious or aware either, until about 3 years ago when I started healing from childhood ptsd.
Humans really are complicated because most of us have emotional baggage and wounding that we have to heal, which clouds our judgement and alters our perception. 💙
It’s amazing how far ahead people are in life when they have a secure attachment style to their parents. They handle stress better.
Check out Gary Vee, he is the most secured attached person
truly.
💯
It's amazing how unfair it is. I hate how much securely attached people completely take their innate stability for granted and it they go through an external crisis (job loss, divorce) they just "pop" out of their "depressive episode" after 8 months as a middle age adult then go back to "normal" with all their support systems and original self esteem reinstated. Like as if they just got pneumonia.
It's kind of sickening to listen to secure attachment people yammer on about how they finally "popped" out of their sadness and felt like their old self again. And for me, there was never a "self" to begin with. I'm just angry and bitter about it.
@@PassionateFlower Ms. Preibe is offering a way out of thie delima. I feel fortionate now at 77 years old that if I do the work I will have succeeded in life. i have been in and out of homelessness and finally ten years ago I applied what what she is suggesting without knowing it. All of it sounds resonable to me now..
A lot of these issues come from enmeshment. When parents are traumatized and weak, they fear everything in life and trying to "teach" this to kids. Now, all of my childhood, I knew that I had a very different approach towards life, but my families overbearing made me dissociate. My family members literally fear everything. Going abroad, getting on a plane, doing a simple work, going to club with friends. They are superscared. And if you are a child, believing mother "wants good" (maybe partially true), you may either internalize these or these may exist as a "fog" in your head. If you are a sensitive person, it is literally possible that you have problems with internal emotional regulation because the feelings you are trying to regulate are NOT YOURS.
So true
Literally me right now. Got no boundaries and I'm now learning boundaries and it's tough because it feels wrong but I know it's right for growth.
Someone finally explaining this in a way I couldn’t!
Oh my God, you are so spot on.
Absolutely true! You literally described my family and I deal with so much inner confusion even though Ive been on my own for two years now
This woman articulates like a BOSS
Preach.
Wow! I wish people knew how rare and life changing this information is. You could pay $$$$ for therapy for years and not get anything close to this kind of practical information. This is gold folks. Listen to this person.
So grateful for her ❤
It’s a privilege to be able to “work on yourself.”
Some people’s days are full of working on other people’s selves, while contorting our own self to be what’s needed.
I think I hear what you are saying. I would say it is a privilege if you would categorize clean drinking water that way. You can't afford not to work on yourself. It is also more difficult to care for others if you have not. Best of luck
Finally someone explaining it in a very logical way rather than just giving out abstract information. Honestly these videos are really helping me out calm down my triggers.
Speaking as an anxious, if we try to compartmentalize before we've accepted the feeling in our body, it can feel worse because it feels like a parent walking away while we're crying. In working with depression, I've had to spend time specifically to recognize and accept it and welcome it in my body before I can "push through" or be productive, and this has meant that sometimes important things have fallen off or been put down indefinitely. But I think health and not deserting yourself are way more important than external responsibilities, if you've been prioritizing those for too long and muscling yourself through it.
Boy can I relate. Well said!
Heidi speaks about the emotional/practical parts of how different styles react and there is a danger that anxious styles place too much emphasis on dealing with emotions which leaves them with more practical problems and vice versa for the avoidant style like myself so I think it really is about balance and being aware of what is going on in each case. Excellent point though , thank you.
@@goldilocks913 It's not indulgent and it doesn't take more than a few moments to practice. What takes half a lifetime is learning how to do it in the first place.
You know it's a good video when you put it on your watch later list despite having seen it already.
Yup! I keep rewatching her work because it is a goldmine of knowledge and I keep learning new things from the same videos. I was in therapy for two years but it was these videos that helped me find my footing, have a systematic approach to my self-work, and heal from my CPTSD much more effectively.
As a person who's struggled pretty significantly on both sides of the spectrum, I think of emotional awareness like mindfulness or meditation. Each time we notice how we feel, we build a muscle, and the stronger that muscle gets, our noticing, the more we can increase the gap in our reactivity. And as Heidi says, the next step is what do we do with the feeling? It's also helpful to think of rupture and repair - the better we get at noticing misattunements, especially big ones, points of contention, and making sure we revisit them and resolve them, we build the intimacy muscle in our relationships. The good will. The trust. The bank account gets full and starts collecting interest. And withdrawals, which are inevitable, don't hurt so badly. There is room for mistakes and accidents...and probably even intentional fuck ups.
Please pray for me to forgive myself for all the explosive anger I had over 25 years ago now ( at my husband) when I had not had any therapy or help self regulating. I grew up in tension and finally explosive anger. It was my "normal." It still haunts me. He died when I was just 39.
@@wendi2819 We're all just trying to live in the present when our bodies are stuck in the past. Love is the hardest thing there is. It completely organizes our lives and yet in many ways is invisible.
Intentional fuck ups is king. I do very often. Like: Well, I know that a confrontative talk will open the hell gates now. But I choose the hell doors to open because there is devils to burn.
Well said. 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻❤
A very high EQ comment
Started doing emotion tracking along side my monthly cycle as well! Now I know almost to the day when I’m going to be sad and the days I’m getting a bunch of good ideas etc. it’s actually quite comical how accurate it can be.
Omg I’ve been trying to do this but I keep falling off of tracking mine. It’s so interesting
@@nadiashanel5015 👍🏻 it’s fascinating
Do you use a specific app?
@@rylie483 I use the app “flo” 😊
this is annoying lol. i’m sure i will be excited for it once i stop being stubborn abt there being another thing i’m not doing for myself that i could be, but dang does living and not feeling shitty take so much work!!!
You know what I've been realizing more and more lately, is that anxious/avoidant styles have much more in common with each other than they do with secure attachment. (Rather than a model where secure attachment falls in the middle, like a spectrum.) I am definitely on the anxious side of things, but what's interesting to me in this video is that even though I spend most of my time drowning in and being carried away by my emotions, whenever I do need to get things done or have had enough of it, I use the avoidant strategy of just barreling through. I have very little capacity for finding actual solutions to my negative emotions. This process does take a long time and I discover new things every day. :)
I relate to this a lot. I am learning to be healthy and secure more and more, but this is an underlying issue for sure
Yeah I can relate to this too. I spent so long anxiously attached and was so emotionally turbulent and lately I’ve realized I’ve just completely shut myself off and avoided everything instead bc it’s easier to deal with but still not healthy 😅😢
Yes! It's not at all a spectrum, with anxious on one end and avoidant on the other, with anxious styles needing to become 'more avoidant' etc. I saw that kind of thing written online quite a bit and it's totally wrong. If it is a spectrum, with anxious on one end and avoidant on the other, where are fearful avoidants, who have the wounds of both?
Anxious and avoidant styles are pretty much the same thing at the end of the day, and that is how fearful avoidants can exist.
@@Hippowdon121 Agreed, do the self test, and most people will elements of both.
I feel like a spectrum is the best way for me to visualize it because these attachments would be secure if they were more regulated, in different ways. A lot of people display all tendencies of each attachment- I think of a pendulum swinging back and forth on the spectrum- not erratically but time to time. An anxious attachment could use traits seen in secure attachment to get through something, or maybe “overshoot” and display avoidant tendencies
Your channel is a fucking goldmine
Agreed! :D Bless her kind soul
She doesn't even know!
Yes, I'm so grateful I found her channel, I knew about attachment theory before but Heidi's videos really help me understand how it actually works and how it shows up in my life.
With all seriousness. You’re right!!!
Exactly!
Heidi is a gift, a treasure, and her lectures are pure gold for the soul.
As I become more attuned with my emotions, the more I realise why precisely I was ever not attuned in the first place.
My mum was never ever given any emotional support or understanding. She was brought up in hard times, and her parents lived in survival mode. The kids got washed, fed, educated, and then punishment was strict and emotions weren't recognised. So my mum grew up not ever being taught that her emotions matter. She was taught they were unimportant and not normal.
So when my mum raised me, although I know she tried so hard and gave me as much as she could, she didn't have the emotional skillset in herself to build any secure attachments. She relies on anxiety, clinging and control to regulate because the waves of life and being human frighten her and she doesn't have the skills or understanding to sit in them and know what to do.
I grew up undiagnosed Autistic, with a mum who didn't understand basic human emotions. I needed more emotional support than a non autistic kid, but she didn't know nor was she able to give that. So I internalised the belief that there must be something wrong with me. It followed me up until I found out at 25 that I was Autistic and felt finally allowed to accommodate my needs.
I realised that there was nothing wrong with me, I realised that most parents are or were struggling with their unhealed emotional pain so it wasn't really their fault either. No one knew what we know now, no one helped or supported parents (especially mum's) the way we do now. It's humans being humans and it isn't personal.
Now since unmasking, I am learning to notice my emotions, what they look like for me and what works best for me to be able to regulate myself. I decided that I do not care who criticises me, because whatever I'm doing or feeling is valid for me.
I was holding back and ignoring and pushing through all of these feelings (a lot of that comes from masking!) And either avoiding them, or actively distracting myself from them.
Being raised in a home where you are told that feeling or expressing emotion is too much, weird, wrong, makes you believe that having those feelings is wrong and that having them is your fault or that there's something abnormal about expressing them.
Now when I'm feeling intensely, I lean into it. Cuddle up against it. Write about how it feels in my body, the patterns, my own behaviour while feeling these moods. My body and mind are just doing what they do, and I'm the nurturing observer letting them do their thing.
I can't express how much everything this lady says works. Start small. Tiny. Just watch how your own mentality starts to change. It doesn't mean things are easy, but you just end up feeling so empowered. It takes strength to feel your emotions and express them.
Maybe this is what they mean when they encourage me to practice "mindfulness." Heidi's example of a baby experiencing sadness with a parent who doesn't connect - that really strikes a deep chord with me. No wonder I don't handle my emotions well! My parents were immature/narcissistic - they never connected with their kids' emotionally. Great stuff! So this is why I feel "out of touch." DUH!
Yeah, that was a helpful example. It clicked for me as a former early ed teacher 😅
The way you explain these concepts helps me get on board with the idea of parenting myself. I am so resentful for needing to do this. I find your straightforward, down to the nitty gritty insights very worthwhile. Thank you
“Forgiveness is giving up all hope of a better past.” 🙂
Same here. I'm doing internal family systems in therapy and it's so hard trying to "reparent" myself. I resent my parents for leaving my siblings and I. I'm trying to tap into the nurturing part of myself that I know I have - I worked as a teacher in early ed - and learning to stop feeling like I don't deserve love, compassion, and attention.
Yes!!!! I can relate to feeling resentful for having to do this!
After investing ~ 1200€ in courses and books, this (free) video just absolutely blew my mind. No one ever told me, that I am lacking the "finding a solution"-part. Crazy. Thank you a lot!
I would say after spending 1200€ on research you definitely don't lack the drive to "find a solution" 😊
Why therapist dont mention this? For much money they do not teach the basics
@@tomasmichl4702 Bc a lot of therapists aren't good. Really good ones are hard to find
(non-native speaker)
This channel is pure gold. I just discovered it, it allows me to put words and understanding on my experiences, and that helps A LOT.
Thank you for your content
I don't know if any other anxiously attached folks relate, but from my experience... I also invalidate my own emotions, even if I feel them very strongly. I don't think it's only the avoidant people who do that. It's just that my invalidation takes the form of, "I know I'm not 'supposed' to be feeling this way, but (for whatever reason) I can't tolerate the idea of repressing it. So the only alternative is to have it take over and feel even more ashamed of it." Whereas it seems for the avoidant folks, it's "I 'shouldn't' be feeling this way, so I'm not going to acknowledge it. I won't let on that I'm feeling this to anyone else, sometimes not even to myself." Yes, absolutely, we anxious/preoccupied people do have a solution deficit as opposed to an acknowledgement deficit. But I honestly think there's self-invalidation on both ends of the spectrum. We just handle that invalidation in polar opposite ways. Does that make sense? Any other anxiously attached person relate to this?
This makes a lot of sense
I noticed that affirmations truly help me in maintaining self regulation. Also keeping a kind inner talk is very fruitful
Affirmations is a big part of my life and healing. Very powerful.
I agree, not sure if you've heard of Dr Amen, he talks about removing ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) but writing and reflecting on 'what went well today' at the end of everyday. It's helped me so much!
I love that she speaks so respectful and affirming about these matters. Also solution based. I love it!!
Totally agreed a good night's sleep and sunshine is a boost to the day. If sadness starts to take over, getting on with the day's activities lifts the day and gives me a sense of achievement. Of course this means recognising my feeling and knowing that it is transitory.
As a disabled audhd the self parenting for years I've done, I'm 38, I still feel psychologically dilapidated. I'm also recovering from a terrible illness that was never properly diagnosed, 5+ years now. Been healing by laying on acupressure mats for years now. Still recovering. This information should have been taught to us from childhood. When I was still young and unburdened. I hope I can calm down enough to not still be so overwhelmed to implement everything
I’m proud of you & the work you’re doing is inspiring to others reading like me. Hope you’re having a good day and happy new year 🤍
Sending you courage, and will
Power to achieve whatever you need to feel empowered
I had extremely bad back pain for years. Through luck, I discovered that I wasn’t dealing with my friend’s murder. After that, my back pain vanished. Now, when I have that pain, I sit and really try to see what’s going on in my life. Almost always, I’m not dealing with something. (I’m extremely avoidant.)
Yes! As emotional and mental trauma are healed and or become conscious it affects our physical health. It’s crazy how the mind and body are connected. That’s why it’s important to become mentally and emotionally healthy. God bless ❤️😊
Thank you for this video, it was very informative. I am 41 and just starting to understand and practice this
It is one of those pieces that connects together the rest of the jigsaw that I was building. It brings together my spiritual practice, psychotherapy practice (I am a trainee), my shadow work, inner child work, mindfulness, my values (honesty, compassion, empathy, kindness, integrity, parenting!)
That missing piece for me was true self-care / self-attunement. To truly be with, nurture, and care for myself. I had a very insecure/ anxious attachment, and I didn’t know what I didn’t know!
With self- attunement I am cultivating the capacity to be in presence with whatever is arising. I am no longer dissociating and abandoning myself. I am fully in my body, knowing that I can soothe and regulate myself when difficult emotions arise. I feel like I’m finally transitioning to adulthood!
My whole nervous system has calmed, I’m out of fight/flight mode. I feel peace within for the first time in my life.
Can we just stop and appreciate how Heidi is the most cheerful and smiling person who talks about CPTSD and other heavy topics on UA-cam? It's embodied optimism!
This makes so much sense. Sometimes I just want to feel the feelings... If that makes sense. I don't want to tell myself that I shouldn't be feeling that way. Or that I have to hurry up and stop feeling that way.
I do get now though that sometimes sitting in that is what causes me to sink further.
I have been in therapy off and on for 20 years. I’m just learning about attachment styles. You are the first person to explain the depth of it. I have such a better of understanding how to heal myself v
I believe that this is the most important video I've ever watched in my life. Thank you so much for this content. it's life changing. this video is not to be watched only once, It's to rewatch multiple times throught the healing journey. it is very dense with information that a lot of us have not learned early on. thank you again, and keep up!
I pendulum between anxious and avoidant. I always thought I was was secure type since I didn’t fully connect to either and had a good sense of feeling what my emotion is and often can create and take steps to guide myself to a more balanced place or am able to address the causation head on and implement solutions to move me through different feeling states until I’ve successfully changed my trajectory forward. Both acknowledge my emotion, identify then take action in a desired direction.
My pendulum extremes are getting very stuck in emotion, trapped, no one is coming to my aid or even notices to the opposite extreme where I push it down, suck it up, any emotion is overreacting and barrel through disregarding how i feel internally to externally meet a goal.
However the way you describe it allows me to take notice of when I’m not in Attunement with myself. Take pause. Check in with my body and strategize accordingly without arbitrarily choosing a method (usually to meet other peoples needs or expectations). I think this will help me show up healthier in response to my feelings and needs and to individualize my actions by listening to what I truly need in the moment. And understand if it’s something I can change in my environment vs doing the internal work.
Great job explaining this in a practical way.
You are a BRILLIANT guide. THANK YOU.
The whole video was an aha-moment to me! I find it so specifically explained and well illustrated. Now I finally know how it looks like when caring for myself through various emotions. No one has told or showed me this before. My therapist expected me to do it, but how could I know what it looks like if I had never seen it before conciously.
Thank you a lot for your video!
Same!
Thank you so much for posting these. I've been paying for online therapy and I know they mean the best but sometimes just trying to get to what I need to find is expensive and time-consuming. I love the way you speak and your voice cadence and I feel just very seen and calmed in a way, even if I still don't know what to do to fix myself I appreciate so much you making these beautiful videos with amazing articulation and I just really appreciate what you're putting into the world to help people through their inner mazes that no one asked for. Thank you ❤
I’m been discovering this in my personal life experience. And when I watch these videos I’m given so much terminology to express how I’m trying to pivot my relationship with myself. I feel confirmed!
I’m Currently in the thick of
Trying to stay consistent with this practice so that it becomes a pattern and not just a series of
Moments.
My therapist and I are doing IFS and I'm still trying to understand it better. The term self attunement and how you explained it helped me better understand what my therapist was talking about. Thank you.
I’d never heard of any of this but am in the process of leaving an abusive relationship and have been going down a rabbit hole in searching to understand how I let myself fall into such a damaging life. This video is interesting because as I listened I realized that this is exactly what I did during my adolescent years- just not with an app.
I hope you are in a better place now. You deserve to be treated with respect.
This information changes everything for me. It makes so much sense and I have begun implementing these strategies. I feel hopeful that I will once and for all know what to do about my anxious attachment feelings and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Something that I have not been able to glean after many years of therapy @ $225/hour. My mind is blown, I can't believe how well laid out this information was and that it was free on UA-cam. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!
Never found a therapist that was really useful to me. Most of them are old school and don’t know this
Thank you, Heidi! Your channel came up on my feed at an uncannily critical point in the struggle to move beyond a set of feelings and behaviors that have been with me all of my adulthood. 🙏🏽
Ive got so much to say but first of all, thank you Heidi for being here to share these concepts that improve our self-care.
As someone whove been insecurely attached at some point in my life, whove been trying the best to consistently show up as securely attached, i find this very very helpful. I have been taking care of myself as a mother and child but I dont name the feelings that i feel. Id try my best to continously be attuned to myself. Thanks.
More contents and viewers to come, heidi! Your contents should reach everyone.
One of the BEST videos on this topic and the attachment styles I’ve ever seen. You’re incredible at explaining and breaking all of this down. I can relate to ALL of what you talked about. Thank you 🙏
Watching this again has helped me realise how far I’ve come, thank you for making this help available. Was able to pick up on extra things I had missed the first time such as defining what I’m actually feeling and allowing it and also noticing when the sadness or whatever is no longer helpful and focusing on the solution. Thank you ❤
Thank you so much for taking to time to create these videos on your channel. I've actually recently found your channel as of like a week ago and I've learned alot about myself and ways I handle emotion and attachment. You explain with such great detail too and are very relatable. Thanks again Heidi!
This is one of the BEST videos I’ve seen on understanding oneself in relation to how you were parented. Thank you so much, I really needed this to understand my own nature (anxious with overflowing emotions). 🙏🏽
Heidi, thank you so much!
I'm new here and just realized that I'm an ENFP. Your videos are incredibly helpful! Thank you for the work you do!
Thank you Heidi Priebe. This is such an important piece. I needed to hear this. Love all your vids. Yep one year later your vids are still out here doing a lot of heavy lifting. Thank you again. You pack every vid with information and you present so clearly and in such an engaging yet matter of fact voice! You make a difference.
I am loving these series. Learning these concepts now that my body budget is finally ready to accept it (as an anxiously attached person, I truncate it a lot), it is so useful and nurturing.
Thanks Heidi ✨
Heidy, your advice makes me feel more hopeful for the future and more confident in my ability to make the most of my life. You have an amazing talent! I’m so glad I found your videos!
I love the easy to digest way you explain something I can overcomplicate.
I know I had loving parents, who did their best, and I'm learning that I can learn attunement as an adult. My self-parenting style is inspired by my actual parents, which has been quite frustrating, yet after watching this video, I feel hopeful that I will become more confident and understanding with myself as I continue this process. Thank you!
I was fumbling around this morning feeling scattered and accidentally clicked on this while listening to another video. I took it as the universe telling me to slow down and meditate. I didn’t know I needed this but this was exactly what I needed . So perfect , thank you! I feel amazing and clear
I love you Heidi! You are amazing ❤ I am an relationship coach specializing in attachment theory and you are top notch. I’ve learned even more from you and man are you freakin brilliant! Thank you! ❤
i love love love your page. i have always been a deep thinker and you’re so spot on with some of the things i contemplate but can’t quite put into words all the time, super validating and helpful to watch your videos. Thank you. 🙏🏼
Thank you for making these videos available to the public. It helps me understand why I always push away/ignore any negative feelings I have and am learning how to understand how I'm feeling a little more.
just walking in to my house today, the sun was shining so brightly and I instantly thought - that's about at the top of my list of things that will make me feel better!🌄
It’s mind blowing. Where were you all my life I was struggling I still do self-regulation I didn’t even know the right term until recently. Yeah, really amazes me. I am deeply from my heart and soul grateful to you. I am so happy to find your channel I want so many therapies and not find anybody could help me instead, they were telling me I was depressed that they put me in depression medication, here you are telling me exactly what I need to change my life. I am 50 years old woman. I hope it’s not too late for me. My heart is shattered that I raise to kids without knowing what I was doing, basically blind leading the blind, God have mercy on me, I just don’t know thank you thank you. You are awesome.💕💕🌷
so helpful, I class myself as a fearful avoidant and I thought that was restricted only to patterns in relationships. I have now realised that emotions are part of this attachment style and they are here to help us and tell us when something isn't right. I am so happy I feel that I have a way to connect with myself rather than invalidating myself and pushing through until these 'unwanted' feelings are gone. Thank you, Heidi :)
Heidi, you are amazing!!! Keep doing what you do best, teaching us how to heal ❤
How well you describe what I have been grappling to understand. Thank you for the clarity. 🙏
I'm currently going through a painful break up and I sometimes fall into despair thinking that I'll never truly heal. This video made a lot of sense and oddly enough describes both my personality and my exes. Thanks for sharing.
This was so powerful for me. Thank you, Heidi! Especially this part 11:00-11:55 is going to be so helpful for me and my family. 🥰
This is all so new to me, im used to living in a low grade depression 24/7 and never cared to modulate or try to live depression free. Now when I feel an uncomfortable feeling I try to investigate the why and its been working well so far 💯 with tangible consequences such as being able to continue doing my work instead of pausing and scrolling etc. thank you for all you do fr
It's ok to acknowledge that feelings, don't stay in it.
I am anxiously attached, so I resonates with what you are saying. Thank you for giving me the tool to get to the secure part for self soothing and self regulation.
Heidi, I started crying halfway through the video. But it was growing pain, finally manifesting itself into the realization of what I'm doing and what I actually need to do. I cannot thank you enough. I'm living a better life thanks to your videos and will continue to learn and expand my skills and knowledge on this, and to, finally, love myself truly.
Seriously this is amazing. I’ve been listening to these things for the last 5 years. This yet the best.
I believe I suffer from insecure, anxious attachment issues, so I’ve been trying to learn more about it. I sometimes view Everything as black or white, and can make rather extreme judgments rather quickly. This video has me questioning how my neglect of sunshine, exercise diet and bedtime habits might trigger this type of thinking, because there are other times, where I am able to pause and work in the gray space. Throughout my life I’ve struggled with self-worth issues in spite of a fair amount of career success. You scored big points with me when I noticed the book SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM on your bookshelf, one of my go to Bibles when I need to re-calibrate and recognize where I might’ve drifted off course. it is crazy how our childhood experiences can have such a long term influence upon our lives, even decades after they occur…thk you
This is the most helpful video I've seen on this subject. It takes many of the ideas and condenses it all into one place. I also appreciate your sharing your own personal struggles, helps to normalize these things for me. Thank you!
I didn’t even know about attunement! I appreciate this video so much! I always deflect as a solution instead of integrating lol
A very clear and video that gave me aha moments! I have not understood this in this way before.
This was SUPER helpful. The part that stood out to me the most was quickly mentioned and it’s when we make emotional decisions and end up in loops, we tend to try and think our way out of it when we actually need to act. That’s when a wise friend comes in handy and I need more of those.
Much of what you spoke of, certainly the expanded awareness aspect, is current moment consciousness. It feels like most of the steps in attunement are happening in the moment. Great insight and explanation, thanks
I'm working on this now. It's really important and I'm starting to see more grounding in myself. It's very helpful. I don't think people realize how important this is.
Thank you so much for giving examples of what secure looks like. It makes so much more sense to me this way.
I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear this! Such helpful information!! Thank you!! And by the way, you have the most beautiful eyes!😍Love your energy🙏
This was a very well-articulated video. Thank you for covering all the angles you did. That is what we need - clear articulations of what we are experiencing inside. Often, we can be left with a sense of, “I knew that” (to some degree), but we weren’t able to as concisely translate our internal process into concise thoughts…for complete exposure and shedding of light onto something that once was in the shadows, no longer renders any power to that which wasn’t fully visible prior. Once something is fully understood, it can be dismantled, and we become more powerful and knowledgeable of it, than it was over you, very literally speaking…like a puzzle or Rubik’s Cube that once was a huge challenge to solve, becomes effortless to resolve once you learn the patterns and get the keys, and what happens in relationships when someone is extremely mysterious to us that pulls is in emotionally, then the mystery dissipates once you’ve really gotten to know them (FYI - the “magic” behind celebrities…don’t get sucked into the hype). “Magic” no longer is magic once it’s become normalized (such as smart phones, or any other previously inconceivable technology). It’s our unquenchable thirst for attaining more, more of the unknown, and what we are not, yet - it’s how we’re built, the evolutionary process built right into us to guarantee the perpetuation of life.
One thing though, to be said about parents mirroring their baby - mirroring doesn’t necessarily have to come in the form of facial mirroring, or doesn’t necessarily have to be present all the time. It can be in the form of vocal tone a parent echoes. And if a baby has cried a number of times, and the parent is used to it, they may not mirror the baby at all, and just be a pure space holder for their baby to experience and let go of those emotional states, holding a smile while remaining in full empathy with the child. Emotions don’t always need to be articulated, as a child develops their own understanding of emotions, and begin to learn and interpret emotions on their own.
Also, these techniques are as valuable to practice while in the midst of not only experiencing negative emotions, but positively-charged emotions triggered by external sources, such as when we derive highs from external approval, and build (internal chemical) dependencies on these external stimuli. That’s often the other end of the spectrum we’re kind of blinded to. That’s the magic behind marketing after all, to trigger insecurities and to provide products to feed our desires for external approval and external markers of “success”, to feel we’re somehow balancing those feelings of insecurity, when what we really need to do is come back to center, in balance toward neutrality…not endlessly teeter between the polar extremes. And it’s not about “erasing” your sense of self, but re-examining what has shaped your sense of self thus far. It’s not about emulating a Buddhist monk, but to find your own center.
Thinking out loud while I write - hopefully this can be of help to some.
U should get ur own channel! Thank u for much needed insights..😊
@@Polina-hn7hu Thank you. I’m glad it was helpful to you. 🙏🏽
Thank you, Heidi. You've made the issue so clear and helpful. I'm going to watch this video a few more times. It doesn't really matter if I can figure out whether I'm anxious or avoidant because healthy works on balancing both sides.
*Emotions arise in the body before they arise in the conscious mind* it makes me so glad to hear this because I’m so tired of the idea that “our feelings come from out thoughts,” when our feelings actually come first. Correctly identifying an emotion is not thinking it into being!!!
So tangible & incredibly well laid out. Thank you ❤
You are changing lives. 💜 Thank you so much.
Your videos are really helping me through some tough emotions right now. Thank You Heidi!
THANK YOU for all of this & especially the Dailyo suggestion 👏👏👏
I’ve tried several mood/journal apps & this is by FAR my favorite🤩
You're a god sent. Thank you so much for making these videos and our lives better.
All the statements in this video were useful without being repetitive, wow, thanks so much!!!
DBT as a practice helps me with the observations you're describing. Thank you for the lesson on the language of attunement. Highly useful.
my aha moment is about the fact that I try to avoid and supress my negative feelings because I believe that I have to compromise as I tell myself that there is no alternative.
The alternative would be for me to say that I do not like the situation I am in (college,"friends", family) and that I will search for a way to be happy in that place . If this is not possible, I will have to find the courage and leave.
The courage to leave would get me alone and lonely, but it is better to be alone than to be supressing your real self in the sake of others expectations.
My journey in learning emotional regulation is not easy. I haven't learned properly from any book. Only use my little knowledge and inner guidance. Anyway I finally come to have ability to regulate my emotions well. I healed from past trauma. Not just phycology I learn many knowledge ftom Buddhism Law of Attraction Neuroscience and Esther Hicks to have wisdom and tools to be the best parents gor myself.
Thanks you so much for sharing this I learned a lot from you.
Top notch video. Beautifully and clearly articulated. Please keep these coming 🙏
This was extremely helpful, educational and well-spoken. Thank you so much for all of your care and effort!! :)
Heidi,
Thank you so much for all your videos. Gratitude ❤
Wow you are so good at explaining this in a very comprehensive and actionable way!
I think I can think or feel my way out of but actually I need to act my way out of.... Thank you for sharing your wisdom! You are helping me so much! I am anxious and parenting an emotional three year old and trying not to get triggered constantly by his outbursts.
This information was really clear and helpful. You've described a lot of things that happenes to me regularly and having ways to name and work on those things is invaluable. A big thank you. ❤
I think I used to be more avoidant and after somatic trauma release therapy became anxious. I think there were missing pieces for me to heal from. Thank you so much for making this easily digestible and tangible 💕
You solved step one (identify) and now you’re on step 2 (sooth)
This was absolutely amazing! New subscriber here and I am anxious avoidant. I feel so overwhelmed with emotions and it will ruin my day. I started writing down my feelings and this just confirmed I need to make this a daily practice! Thanks so much for such great content.
I don’t think I’ve ever heard this explained so clearly. Love this and am going to try that app!
Two to three years ago, I tried using Daylio for a month to test the app and check what insight I can get from my emotions but I didn't know it can that helpful for someone who has an avoidant attachment style. Gonna download this again. Thanks, Heidi!
Daylio - looks exactly like something I've been looking a few months ago!
and thanks for structuring the problem!
Thanks for sharing such a useful knowledge. Honestly, the connections of the concepts you make are priceless!
Thank you . Listening to your Utube brings greater connection to my life experiences... At age 65. Including all the past still working through for a long time. I don't know if it is all the input and processing that has been available to me that helpd incorporate your experiencial training and education. Or if i received from you earlier in life that i would be making more progress. As life continues new experiences reinforce the past with new tramua . Well into Marriage, raising, children, my. Education and hobbies, i understand the self sabotaging influence from damaged early childhood/ life dysfunctional development. I was completely unaware the started very early but didn't recognize this was the root of additional dysfunction. Understanding would have saved alot of self hate, self doubt, suicidal suggesting, deep depression , that spilled all over my life.
Regardless. I am very thankful i stumbled into your Utubes It crystalize everything for me to continue with life. The regrets are difficult to overcome. My self preservation consequence have dramatically impacted my relationships.is discouraging. The downward cycle of behavior and thoughts have been an archeological excavating work. 5:05
I didn’t know I was supposed to be self-regulating until my bf called me out for projecting my fears, anxiety and insecurities on other people. And I was like, oh, I’m supposed to do that naturally? Thank you for this video!!