When They Leave Without Warning: Navigating the Emotional Fallout
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- Опубліковано 1 жов 2024
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As a 29 year old who was a foster teen…..I have been the one running from the safe home. Asking for the safe home and then leaving. Asking to be dropped off and never returning. I have now apologized to the ones I hurt. The ones I didn’t see for many years. Women who love the way you do impacted me and shaped me to the incredible future wife and future mom I am today. Thank you for loving so deeply and for supporting teens the way you do. Please trust me that it does go a long way and I am so sorry for the way it hurts.
Thank you for saying the words I may never hear from this teen. Just sitting here crying and debating on if a letter to them would matter and knowing it wouldn’t be for them, it would be for closure for myself. And convincing myself it is pointless. Then to see this comment. Thank you. I know I’m not perfect. And I’m sure I contributed in some way to this teen choosing to leave. But these words mean more than you ever know and are received at the perfect time.
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@@BeTheVillageCommunityif you feel like the letter would help you to get closure, what I did in the past was write it and then burn it instead of sending it. They say that the paper is patient and can take anything. Sometimes taking that quite literally can be helpful.
@@BeTheVillageCommunityMy parents fostered while I was a kid. We had one older teen who asked to come to us and ran away a few times. She thanked us many times as an adult for being so welcoming and she eventually understood how her actions effected my family ❤️ Understand feeling you might be part of the teens choice to leave but know the good likely outweigh the bad.
Oh man this is a close subject to me. I heard something from a psychologist once that resonates deeply with this subject and my childhood in foster care.
Some children find love painful to be around because their physical body became used to the neglect that all that feels familiar is pain. It’s like being trapped in. Fight, flight freeze response when someone is kind, even a smile can cause children like this pain, they are extremely hyper vigilant so much so that a kind word/smile/ etc is so much for their system to deal with, I remember once someone simply patting me on the back and I completely freaked out. It’s the trauma that causes this, thankfully I’ve found so much healing in Jesus.
@LadyMephistopheles that's basically the journaling process! It helps me stop those circulating thoughts that bother me so bad! Getting it on paper gets it out of your mind!
Holy moly... I had no idea you are going through a divorce.. I never saw it coming. Wishing you and your family well.
me either i had noticed her husband wasnt in her videos but i hadnt thought anything of it
@@mistybethune9116it seems to be going around. Many of the Channels I watch the couples are divorcing. It’s interesting for sure
Sounds like you are really modeling a way to break the cycle for a vulnerable young adult. As someone who recently stepped away from this work as a social worker in the system, I found your discussion of boundaries to be really poignant. We perpetuate toxic and unhealthy cycles by leaning too far into it and being too flexible in our boundaries. She has undoubtedly learned immensely from you, even if it takes some time for her to understand the lessons in her own time.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. You are a wonderful foster mom and mother to these kids.
Your impact on that teen may not be known for years or ever, but it’s inevitable. They will remember you forever. And maybe some day, they will realize they always deserved to have what they couldn’t accept and had to run from. You’re doing so great considering everything going on in your life, Whitney ❤️
No judgment here whatsoever, just positive vibes being sent your way - keep doing what you’re doing.x
As someone who works in the child welfare system I want to say Thank You! Thank you for caring for and loving the youth who enter your home. Thank you for providing a safe place for them where they are comfortable calling you when they need help. I’ve worked with countless foster care providers who are not willing to allow youth who have aged out to remain in their home even when our county and/or Bridges is providing some funding, although notably the per diem is less for an aged out teen and I understand how that can be a challenge/barrier. The fact that you allowed this youth back into your home, no expectations of a per diem speaks volumes about who you truly are as a foster caregiver. So thank you for being you and for caring for the ones who truly need it the most!
Foster Care is an emotional roller-coaster. I've been a Bonus Mom to newborn babies and my heart dies everytime they left. The one that we had since he was 2 months old left us abruptly after 2 years and recently have been with us for one year. We're in the process of adopting him now but it's still hard. I pray for you and your family because I've been watching your videos for a long time.
I work everyday in our foster room right now. After our last move out our hearts needed a break. It's been almost 4 months and I still cry whenever I let myself think of the kiddo, but I find myself in the room constantly. I've had breakdowns over pjs and puzzle pieces, and although most things were cleaned and put away, I couldn't help myself but to leave the crayon scribbles on the wall. At least for now. We went from very invested and full of love for this family, to no contact overnight and not due to our own doing. Hard is an understatement.
Sending so much love, peace, and reminders of strength your way during the heavy transition.
I’m here from our chat on Instagram earlier. Hoping to learn lots from you as I always have in the last few years ❤
Contact paper on desk-tops/shelves is an option to refresh tops if needed rather than repainting, also drawer fronts, you could alternate drawers/ colors if not all need repair. Pretty quick to diy. Best wishes on the hard days, u rock.
I actually did that after the last placement! It got doodled on and had to come off. I think I have video of Darcy and I removing it in preparation of this teen about a year ago.
Sorry for the challenges and changes in your personal life, It amazes me that you continue to foster with your changed circumstances . LOVE
I’ve followed you for a long time. This mom thinks of you a lot (in a non creepy way). I’ve long admired your communication and parenting skills. One thing I remind myself as a parent of a teen is that if my kid is moody (I’m being gentle here), it’s because they feel comfortable enough around me to do so. It’s very frustrating parenting a teen. It’s such a balance for you to both be supportive and loving while also showing that you are a human being who has feelings. As you said, you also need to show boundaries.
Remember that D and S are watching how you set boundaries as well. It is healthy for them to see you can be caring for others but also caring for yourself mentally and physically.
This is all so tricky. There is no easy answer or it wouldn’t be a video on UA-cam. You’re a fantastic mom and human. Keep swimming. 🐟
Sometimes, the fact that you do the right thing by the teen isn't appreciated in the moment. The fact that you ARE willing to do the right thing to support the teen may not be understood or valued in the moment - but can sink in years later.
Your feelings are 100% valid and understood. Sometimes, teens can be massive jerks, whether your own children OR a foster.
The safe haven you provided, the firm boundary you placed in front of the teen, and even the example of your own separation and divorce are powerful experiences for this teen. That they are worth of love, even when they're not being a good person; that you don't automaticaly get a pass when you hurt another person; and that we are imperfect people striving to do our best for the people we love and care about are things that this teen needed to experience at this time.
Many years ago, I had to place a boundary with a family member. Her behavior was something that I would not accept from a stranger, so why should I allow a supposed loved one treat me so poorly. At the time, the rest of my family was horrified.
Over time, they saw the logic in my unwillingness to accept poor treatment from anyone, related or not. At the time, I thought I was wasting my breath. I did it for MY mental health and wasn't going to cave to their opinions. Now, nearly 20 years later, I see that sometimes others need our steadfast resolve in a tough circumstance to grow into a better person.
Sending you hugs and strength through this. I have so much respect that you shared your experience, one that probably happens often when the foster child has had turmoil and upheaval throughout his/her life. Extra hugs for Darcy and Sawyer, because what happened surely confused and upset them, too,
Is the teen ok though? Do you get confirmation that they’re at least alive? I’d be so anxious without knowing. So nerve wracking! ❤❤❤
She said she has been in contact with them for the belongings.
@@Uhohohno319 oh that’s right. I feel like I’d be ok with giving them space as long as I know they’re alive. I’m an anxious ruminator like that. So glad she’s ok!
Sending love to you, Darcy, Sawyer, and the teen who is no longer with you. I hope they're okay. Thank you for being so transparent about your emotions. Hopefully others going through the same thing can relate.
I am sorry about your negative experience, it has to be hard not to invest emotionally and risk getting hurt. I am an adult who is still trying to heal from childhood trauma. I still struggle with abandonment and trying to feel things. I hope you can take some comfort in knowing what you were able to give this teen. Peace
It's really beautiful to see how differentiated you process your emotions. How you aknowledge the hurt and still keep your open heart! That's really strong of you and a wonderful rolemodel for all kids in your house! Keep it up, you're doing great! 💛
Sorry this teen took off without warning. It’s tough when we don’t know what will trigger our foster kids. I hope your year begins to brighten! ❤
Turning 18 gives a person to right to come and go as they please but there is always consequences to every action.
No judgment here.
You know what to do,you seek help of other foster parents.
So glad you have Ariana
Come and visit.
Just be cautious and good luck in your future.
I love your vlogs.
I likely will never foster, but just wanted to say I really appreciate all the effort you put in to making these videos and sharing your knowledge and experience. I feel like some aspects will really help me if i'm a parent one day! Thank you for being vulnerable. Sending you lots of love and compassion ❤
Been here for a long time and still here and supporting you! ♥️
This is the very reason that I don't foster.
On another note- gumbo recipe please!!!
I love your beautiful explanation of why you care. Absolutely the best human connection and investment in our community. Thank you.
Sending so many positive thoughts and prayers your way Darcy! I’ve been a follower for a long time and admire the love and stability you give these children that come into your home. The kids that are placed with you are truly blessed to be with you. I will continue to look up to you. And if there is anything I can do ex Amazon wishlist, donation, gift cards, etc. let me know
Whitney, there is a certain "wholeness" that comes with expectations. Hope spings eternal.
How did the holes in the wall get there? Im so sorry that happend. So sad. Thank you for sharing that.
Decorations, self expression. Those are fairly normal. I do my best to use command strips to avoid damage like this.
Oh wow...im sorry to hear that@BeTheVillageCommunity
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Are you referring to miss A?
No
She briefly mentions Miss A in the beginning saying that Arianna might stay in the room when she visits.
So sorry you are going through this. Thank you for sharing. Many times it feels like foster bloggers/vloggers make it seem like fostering is always sunshine and roses and that foster parents' feelings don't exist. Thank you for showing we are human people and it's okay to be upset and hurt sometimes. Wishing all the best for you and your family
I don’t think that is true. It when fostering children there is only so much they can share and also they want to be respectful of the foster child’s past and not show them having issues on camera. And they may not want to discuss those things for personal reasons
@@nancyfarkas3592 i didn't say they should share major personal details and respect privacy, just that people - including foster parents - are not perfect. That is probably why many people do not foster because they do not feel "good enough"
Thank you for sharing. Sorry this happened to your family; this sounds hard. I hope you extend grace to yourself as well.
I think it's natural to maybe expect/hope for (from an older teen) an amount of respect, a goodbye, and them packing up their own belongings.
Maybe in the future, if a foster leaves with adequate warning, they could be part of the cleaning process.~maybe that's not appropriate in all situations, but could be, or could help do laundry.
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I can only imagine how being in foster care and being moved around abruptly and uncontrollably, that teens reenact that occurrence to feel some sense of control again and to process what has happened to them. Every kid deserves love and safety and it’s so sad to hear the different ways that trauma affects these teens’ lives. Thank you for you vulnerability in sharing your grief ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
I know this sounds harsh but I’d block her number so she can’t contact you again.
Are you not concerned that this will potentially traumatize your children since they are so little and cannot really understand the complexities and nuances? That has been my biggest hesitation.
It sounds like this is exactly why Whitney has put in the boundaries and has said she won't take this teen in again. It sounds like it's for everyone's sake. I feel like Darcy is old enough now to have some sort of an age appropriate conversation and understanding