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Most of my family has a narcissistic traits, i was bullied at school, survived parents divorce, then father remarried with another narcissist and they both gang up on me as probably i am reminding them on past relationship, both sides of my family hates me because of the same fact so i am alone on my own, and now father discarding me and threats to look for an apartament as he will kick me out just because i disagreed with him. Well, its about time anyway to move out so i dont care.
No contact, you're only good to him if he can use you! I had to run from mine b4 he beat me defending malignant mom, this is the dead of winter no less in my socks! 😢
Lost my mom at 15. She was a good mother. After this my father kept leaving me at people's homes. I could never understand this. Guess this meant he did not have to change his life to parent. One day after he collected me from a place I stayed I said you know dad I realised alot about family...he cut me off, told me to be quiet. What did that have to do with anything. After that I seldom spoke, started acting out, he seldom spoke to me. For years I just battered around, had some horrible things happen to me. Each time he drew away from me more. 30 years later he expects me to show up for him. Almost demands it, refuse to anymore, its like he wants my soul..so glad I found God. It was God who helped me find myself.
Old fart narcissists, at that age in life, many are totally alone because of their narcissism & what it has done to "burn' others" & sure yes they want their siblings to come back & help mommy & or daddy in their "golden years!! I saw my anti-social parents loose what friends they had, no longer come around & family on both sides mostly lived far across the country & rarely visited them!! It was like living in a sorry/pathetic soap opera day after day, after day!!
Thank you. I think it's also important to know these because - after growing up with a narcissistic parent - I have found myself over and over again in narcissistic relationships and friendships. So, being able to identify these traits in others or being able to identify my response to the behaviors of others is crucial.
Thank you Jerry. Almost all of these. I’m 55 & went no contact for the final time in February this year. Narc mother & totally dysfunctional & enabling relatives & their friends (which they talk crap about) have taken enough of my life from me. What a sick sick sick show this has been! I’m mad at myself for not getting away & staying away from them sooner but I didn’t have the strength & self worth that I do now. So many years wasted though, holding on to the hope for a close, real, loving relationship with “family”. There’s no way I could be around any of them at this point. Y’all stay mean & horrible & miserable & chaotic over there…I’m out
Here's to healing @gem7078. I'm 55, too, but I walked away from our mother when I was 46, simply left it up to her to maintain our relationship -- it was always a one-way street. At the time I concluded she was "Miss Information, the Queen of Envy", but after years of research I have concluded she had to be a full-blown narcissist. She was easily the most difficult person I've ever encountered, to the point I'm considering developing a screenplay about her life and death. It's all stranger than fiction!
Im 55 too. Got out for the final time in July this year. Went back in after 8 years of no contact from both my parents. For 2 and a half years I put up with crap because my mum died and being an empath i felt sorry for my dad. For 18 months of that 2 abd half years i was banned from seeing my dad by my 3 sisters because i wasnt vaccinated, im still not vaccinated, phone calls only. I thought it would be different, it was,it was worse when i did get to see him it was a total nightmare and i had to do what i had to do to get out, so i wrote my dad a letter telling him everything i had bottled up from childhood knowing it would cause narcissist rage. He replied saying he cant believe i still after 55 years haven't taken responsibility for what i did to the family etc, so much reflection tion because he hurt our family and our pets. Im finally getting myself back slowly, it doesn't take as long after you've had years of no contact, im still sad that I will never have the family i so craved growing up, I was made to believe I was no good etc, typical narcissistic upbringing. I won't go back in, im cut out of the Will but I'm safe and free and that's all I care about. Sending you lots of ❤.
@@tinkingtinking2134 thank you so much, much love to you as well 💜 I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. It’s horrible. I was no contact many times, the longest was a little over 4 years from 2012 to 2016. Was no contact once again from February 2021 to January 2022, & again I went back. I put up with their bs & total lack of accountability & empathy for yet another year & then put a final stop to it in February. I know my worth now & I’m done being treated poorly. Wills from people like this are blood money imo. I don’t want a penny. Yes it’s tough but like you said the freedom is priceless 🤗
Toxic families exist on a continuum. We listen to these videos and feel our situation wasn't exactly as described and this makes us doubt that our families damaged us. We have to remember that no two families are alike, but the damage still occurs. If we are struggling, we probably did not have the scaffold that loving parents would have provided us in childhood that would help us to cope when life throws hard times at us. We fall apart and think something is wrong with us and something is. Realizing that even though my family isn't exactly as Jerry describes but that I am exactly as he describes has forced me to admit that the environment in which I grew up is responsible for a large part of who I am. Sorry for being so long-winded, but I am trying to share this with those of you who can't heal because you keep blaming yourself for your reaction to life. Yes, we are responsible for our reaction but we are not responsible for creating those reactions. We can be responsible for changing them. The sooner I stop blaming myself and start realizing that my childhood created me, the sooner I can start changing the war inside me that keeps me feeling all those things Jerry describes. The trauma bond to our families has to be broken before we can be free to heal.
Nancy, thank you so much for being so open and truthful and taking the time to leave this comment about yourself. I admire the self awareness, but mostly your willingness to set pride and ego aside to tell the world about your own flaws in such an honest way. I watched this video not because I felt damaged, but because I'm a father. Not quite sure how it got into my feed, but it struck my curiosity to see what would be describe as characteristics of a narcissistic parent as it relates to their children. I love my children with all of my heart, and I'm constantly trying to do a better job of communicating with them in a meaningful way, as in a way they will most fully absorb and comprehend the concepts I'm attempting to teach them. Young children have limited vocabulary and understanding, so as an adult many times parents talk to their young children like they would a pre teen or adult even, and the kids listen to the chatter but don't comprehend it and are left feeling confused and inadequate by the lecture they were tormented by. I got lectures as a kid when I would get in trouble, and from what I remember, often times, most times in young childhood I didn't really grasp or even understand the point of the long winded, topic hopping discussions but would nod and agree when asked if I understand, because not understanding, or not having the vocabulary/base knowledge to describe that which I did not understand was met with frustration/anger, which only made me feel less secure about the next moments. I don't want to make mistakes that damage my children mentally or emotionally so I try to learn different techniques of teaching new concepts and approaching discipline in a way that doesn't damage our relationship or trust. It's a very difficult thing to do well and I thought I'd see if anything in the video described our household. (I'm really long winded, you should talk to me in person lol) Anyway, your comment was the most valuable part of this video. I had an ah ha moment (epiphany) and I really said all of this, probably unnecessarily, to attempt to relay to you the profoundness and importance of the realization you gifted me with your bravery. Essentially, thank you thank you thank you!! I'm certain this comment won't only help my family, but many others!
@@diceman5541 Thank you for sharing. We are in this together. One remark i would make to your moving words: children are far more capable of understanding deep thoughts than we realize. I taught 6 and 7 year old. They humbled me so much. Also, they know who cares. On another note: you are a great writer. Do you leave little notes around for your kids? Put one in their lunch bags.
My narcissistic Mother is a compulsive liar. Recently made a remark that love kills. I told her then it’s not love. I asked her to see a therapist, but she refuses. I’m no contact now.
Mr. Wise, I appreciate You so much! I spent 12 years in therapy and tried every pharmaceutical anti depressant on the market. Your lessons on narcisism have helped more than anything. I still struggle with suicidal idiations and I no longer on medication, but I am so much better than I have ever been. I am learning not to question my own validity. Everything is better!
Both parents were narcs. Never had any friends who really knew them. I was treated badly for having close friends as a child..no one can really know really who they are. I also remember when they hurt me they enjoyed it. Very sad growing up this way. And we were super religious. I think these people are attracted to strict religions.
Exactly that’s how mine was and is nobody is allowed to see who they are they go to church but never say a prayer at the table only abuse and put downs can’t have friends either they find some reason why they don’t want anybody around they talk nasty to you when they get you by yourself also mine would mess with me then call the cops on me and have me arrested they kicked me and my sister out of the house before 18 they enjoy your pain and sorrow
Some probably are, but not all. Both my parents are narcissists and atheists. They made fun of religion and religious people….now in their eighties..alone, no family, neither have spouses….one is TERRIFIED of death…and the other joined a church….I think so she looks like she has “friends”…I’m surprised the church hasn’t burned down tbh 😂😂 jk
I've repeatedly posted about Jehovah's Witnesses. They are a narcissistic CULT. Narcissists love to act like they occupy the moral high ground. They never do.
My father worships my mother. And even beat me up for not worshiping that soulless. I told him: "she is just a human, not God". Imagine, I had to pay the price. The thing I hate the most of them is that they come back from their church trying to manipulate me into going to it. I told them a thousand times. "You can do anything you want, I have the same right". (Of course I had to pay the price).
I have a good example( of callousness/cruelty/sadism; I was about 4 and my mom said/did something mean ( i can't remember what and not sure I remember this incident myself, or if i remember it b/c my mom told me about it, as if it was funny, which she had a lot of "stories" she'd tell that were obvious examples of cruelty to anyone else listening but that she obviously had zero insight or awareness of and/or even thought were funny when they were not funny) - I told her she had hurt my feelings, to which she replied, mocking me "where are your feelings?" I said I didn't know, and she responded "well If i hurt your feelings, you must know where they are, otherwise how do you know i hurt them"? to which I responded by pointing at the lump in my throat, saying it hurt there, so that had to be where my feelings were. I suspect she laughed at me and am 100% sure she did not apologize, because she never, once apologized for ANYTHING, ever. She was always right, at my expense. Even 40 years after she assaulted me when i was 7-ish, she could not and would not apologize. Even in her 70's she insisted i deserved to be screamed at, have my head banged against the wall and called a stupid little --tch, repeatedly, until i was completely terrified. an if there was a point that i realized i couldn't trust her, i guess that was it. when i think about these 2 incidents (of many) i want to reach out and give that version of me a hug and tell her SHE was right and give her some sort of advice to help but i don't think there was any useful advice i could have given other than "try to make it through, and try not to make them mad because it's only going to get worse if you do". I knew the way i was being treated was wrong from a very young age. I knew i wasn't loved. I tried giving my brother advice once as he was being taken to his room to get the belt right after i got it, which was "don't cry, that's what they want - don't let them know it hurts".
speaking of God... This is the way I view things; Jerry, anyone who comes across your presence has been exclusively touched by an angel although I cannot imagine what that bright-blue eyed boy endured I am ecstatic that you made it out! sought healing inside out and now equipped and fully in your mission to SNAP others out of self-blame and loathing and into their awakening to ultimately build that kingdom of light here you deserve these and more Mr. Wise💐💫
My father is a malignant narcissist and my mother is a covert narcissist. Growing up in that home was a complete and utter nightmare! I have survived enormous amounts of physical, emotional and sexual abuse at 53-years-old I finally found a decent therapist who is helping me after several suicide attempts in the past because of what my family put me through and the other people I allowed in my life who treated me horribly because I thought it was normal. I'm grateful to be learning this now but don't know how to come to terms with the fact that my entire life has been miserable because of my own family.
I can relate to some of the things you've gone through my parents are a covert and malignant narcs as well. I'm a lot younger than you though I'm only 25. Im so glad and ecstatic to know that you've gone on a journey of recovery, healing and reflection. May you enjoy your journey fellow survivor.
I started feeling autonomous at 5 years old lol started dressing myself, started raking leaves and shoveling snow for money at 9! Super brave child. My parents were narcissists and they feared my autonomy 😅😅 I'm watching this for my 2 year old son! I fell for a narcissist 😩💔❤️
I'm re-experiencing my abusive and neglected childhood right now, at 60 years old. My own life collapsed and I've been thrown back on the non-existent emotional support of my family of origin. I've also somehow become trapped into a role full-time, live-in carer to my vulnerable narcissist elderly mother. which I never volunteered for nor asked for, while my siblings go about their lives and only pop in to check if I'm working hard enough for mum. They just don't see me or care about me except as a 'role'. I've been a virtual prisoner of mum's house for almost 2 years and there's no safe escape route for me. I'll lose the will to live unless I fight every single day to self-protect. Your videos are wonderful Jerry and i'm very grateful for all the free content you provide. I wish I could afford your personal help. I'm sure some support would benefit me greatly and help to break the isolation open for me. I grew up as the invisible child, but now I know the horror of being scapegoated by your whole family, I can't recommend either of them to anyone. Narcissism is like a silent pandemic. So many people have had their lives ruined by it.
Once again, your words and wisdom resonate to my core. No one understands generational narcissism like you. Thank you for guiding me on my healing jouney.
Thank you for the list. So many of these describe my mother. But there's one thing I never hear discussed and that's going from being The Golden Child to being the scapegoat. That is exactly what happened to me.
Both narcs, only child, parents had me late in life. It’s a walking nightmare wondering when the lies in your head and wondering when will the trauma wil stop? Most days I convince myself that there passing will ease it all. And that’s when I can truly heal. It’s a horrible experience lace to be. It’s like being an orphan or abused or neglected orphan? It’s such an unnatural and toxic dynamic.
Jerry?!! I didn't know you knew my parents!!😂 A sort of correllary I've found useful in terms of finding the road map to our healing that you mention. Alot of us don't remember childhood abuse. In cases of neglect, it can be very difficult to spot what the behaviors were that damaged us. I figured out that if I paid closer attention to what they did and i felt as a result, now, present day, soon began to see and hear what kwascyo my distress. I knew how they damaged me in the first place because, honestly, it isn't any different now, just the form might have changed slightly. Hope tgat helks someone. ❤😂🎉
Oomph. Controlling and manipulation. That’s such a huge one. Feeling like you have no defenses in life and are powerless and just can’t do anything about it. So you just go through life getting kicked around and walked all over for the longest. The sadism wasn’t helpful either. It was more or less like a military or regime type of setup. Not so erratic but cold and cruel and more “regimented” requirements and punishments. But they were pretty much most of the above. It’s good to be coming out of that…finally.
Appreciate your clear informative videos. Taking care of my covert narcissist mother, and dealing daily with all her awful words has worn me to a frazzle. Your videos, a Pastor Keith Moore's videos are what is helping me to not fall apart, thank you.
Thank you for your content. I have been divorced from a covert narc for 7 years but we co parent our 16 year old daughter. The more info I know the better I can help her navigate her relationship with her mom. God bless you and your channel!
Hi Jerry, I like your platform/style, from a total narc cult family and no contact, luckily I'll get some bucks when she finally kicks off but covert mom would say I wasn't uni material (dad went deadbeat of course) so I put myself through college. Imagine telling your own kid they weren't smart enough so what does that mean, everyone's smart but you? Unbelivable, I got the boot at 17 and managed to not marry 'till 33 or have my 1st at 34 then onto never working again,,,,, They only want to destroy what won't worship them, thanks, love from Montreal, golden child gone copper!
More or less all points from 1 to 15 apply to my mother. 1 reservation about no 15 she lacks empathy and she's unfeeling completely but sadism is probably the next level
One bad thing is that like with a lot of abuse it has tendency to be carried forward. The traits a narcissist instills can easily create another like them because those traits are the core of their own dysfunction. My father is a narcissist who sees all the fault in others, but is mostly blind to his own. He thinks he is better than his parents, but is far worse. That is why it is important to have good sources of professional and other feedback. You don't want to carry this forward. I try to be objective, but you can't rely on that in an echo chamber.
I appreciate that you mention the sexual abuses perpetrated by the narcissist, however brief. It's a very real issue. I know you have to be careful because of UA-cam. Thank you for not ignoring the facts.
I think my sister, who is a great person, can show narcissistic traits some times... :/ I told her someone was rude to me because I tripped on something of theirs, and her response was: "well, but your hair is always on your face", and when, for the first time, I dared to not be agreeable, she gave me the silent treatment. And then, when I expressed that I didn't like her saying that, she got mad at me, like I have no sense of humor, because it was a joke to lighten the mood, apparently. Now that I think about it, a normal response should've been along the lines of: "I'm sorry" ??
People, even family, can be so cruel. Sorry that happened to you and sorry you werent shown appropriate empathy for your pain. Whats worse is whennit is family and then once we experience this repeated lack of empathy, we are told that we are supposed to love and care about them because they do actually love us. Its very confusing for a child growing up and still is for an adult. I feel you...stay strong because you are valued.
I've come to learn in my 51 years of life. There is nothing we can control other than ourselves. I get, understanding why I am the way I am. When the rubber meets the road, it's my responsibility. If someone does something, and I say they made me angry. They may have done something inappropriate, but it's still my anger. I'm responsible for my anger. Not only that, I think too many people live their life based on their feelings. The feelings, but this does not mean there's any truth to the feeling. I can feel like my wife doesn't love me. But the facts and the truth are, my wife does love me. I think we all need to get to a point, or we're not living our lives based on feelings but fact. After all, it's my own thoughts that create the feelings inside me.
As an only child, it was Hellish confusing. A pawn in a game. I never hear videos on the only child. It was horrible, with moments of extreme nice when they wanted. That intermittent I messed my whole life up. I wish someone would cover being an only child with two toxic self centred parents who were completely unfit
I can see what traits are like my mother and what aren't. I don't think she's a pathological narcissist -- I think she's more codependent -- but there are definite similarities. Especially the focus on image. You don't talk about your problems because ..."What will people think of us?" Later in life I did attract a pathological narcissist as a friend, though, because I was so wired to please.
Other people's opinion used to be a survival necessity. If someone did not fit the society it would be hard to do anything and affect the whole family. I don't think it's fair to blame people on how they lived their lives in those circumstances. Fear of getting a "bad name" used to be a huge problem and, I am pretty sure, is still a problem in a lot of places.
@@amberinthemist7912Yes, I'm leaning towards undiagnosed BPD with her moods/rages and fear of abandonment, but who knows what actually goes on in her mind lol
Sleeping with the enemy... Dealing with enemies. All people with those traits, behaviors are the enemy and are oponents, concurrents. I see it that way after years, decades of experiences and horrendous suffering. The endresult is>>> They wipe you away as you are seen as a possible and future concurrent. Nature is hard. Also other primates do this to eachother. It is horrible if your own parent, family is doing this. So called friends included, partner. It just means...they are NOT on your side and do NOT your best interrest and wellbeing in mind. In war you see the same. Finishing eachother off.
Exactly how poverty or lack of increase as equal to inflation! Pressures make for reactive decisions. This is more trauma in action just the renting environment for singles! Ouch
I have a few, and in a way all of my videos are relevant to learning to trust yourself, because you can’t have SELF-trust of you don’t have a self. Focus on self-differentiation and your self trust will improve. Here are some videos: Keys to trusting again- ua-cam.com/video/B6RmUMdrpr8/v-deo.htmlsi=w5pIuWLw1MxG4ZoH keys to self-confidence narcissistic parents didn’t teach you- ua-cam.com/video/IJ7kSCGJpHk/v-deo.htmlsi=EOSXNW6QrsirWMMk Ways narcissistic parents gaslight you and destroy yourself trust- ua-cam.com/video/wamyWrhbrFY/v-deo.htmlsi=ifyA9S2obt0liTwx If you are looking for more practical actionable help with this, I recommend checking out the self-differentiation recovery program program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/ Thanks for watching
Stop with that narcissistic parent crap: sometimes what you claim as narcissistic parent is really about the narcissistic child: if your child refuses to bathe each day, or refuses to keep their room clean, or refuses to go to school or get to school on time, or refuses to so their homework. Be careful of who you label as narcissistic.
My father was a malignant narcissist growing up. I didn’t refuse to do anything. He just always hated me and punished me all the time if he didn’t get his way. Im not a narcissistic child 😒
There are more appropriate support sites if this doesn't apply to you. This site is more intended to be a group support for adult children that were raised in extreme abuse and how to acquire coping skills and healthy dynamics because ours suffered severe arrest from extreme abuse. ( For example, my narcissistic mom hung belts on every other door in our house, and controlling us with manipulation and physical torture. ) yeah You're probably on the wrong site.
Finally get your family OUT OF YOU & be the true self you were never allowed to be 👇
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Growing up with a narcissist is such a nightmare....!!!!
Most of my family has a narcissistic traits, i was bullied at school, survived parents divorce, then father remarried with another narcissist and they both gang up on me as probably i am reminding them on past relationship, both sides of my family hates me because of the same fact so i am alone on my own, and now father discarding me and threats to look for an apartament as he will kick me out just because i disagreed with him. Well, its about time anyway to move out so i dont care.
No contact, you're only good to him if he can use you! I had to run from mine b4 he beat me defending malignant mom, this is the dead of winter no less in my socks! 😢
And so is trying to function afterwards!
Growing up w a narc parent that has sadistic tencencies and lack of compassion is the unsafest you can feel.
Especially when both are narcs
absolutely. That's right up there with molestation by the narc.
Lost my mom at 15. She was a good mother. After this
my father kept leaving me at people's homes. I could never understand this. Guess this meant he did not have to change his life to parent. One day after he collected me from a place I stayed I said you know dad I realised alot about family...he cut me off, told me to be quiet. What did that have to do with anything. After that I seldom spoke, started acting out, he seldom spoke to me. For years I just battered around, had some horrible things happen to me. Each time he drew away from me more. 30 years later he expects me to show up for him. Almost demands it, refuse to anymore, its like he wants my soul..so glad I found God. It was God who helped me find myself.
Yes narc father's let you down repeatedly in childhood and then demand you care for them in their old age. Like you owe them.
I’m so sorry. You keep that boundary.
Hallelujah God is good.
stay away
Old fart narcissists, at that age in life, many are totally alone because of their narcissism & what it has done to "burn' others" & sure yes they want their siblings to come back & help mommy & or daddy in their "golden years!! I saw my anti-social parents loose what friends they had, no longer come around & family on both sides mostly lived far across the country & rarely visited them!! It was like living in a sorry/pathetic soap opera day after day, after day!!
I do, definitely, relate to this. This is spot on! I was the scapegoat. Fear of everything is what I’m working on.
I’m sorry that you were the scapegoat in your family. I was also the scapegoat eventually I had to just never talk to her again.
Me too ❤
Same I'm dealing with it right now. Coming up with a plan to leave and never look back or have contact.
Thank you. I think it's also important to know these because - after growing up with a narcissistic parent - I have found myself over and over again in narcissistic relationships and friendships. So, being able to identify these traits in others or being able to identify my response to the behaviors of others is crucial.
Beautifully said
Thank you Jerry. Almost all of these. I’m 55 & went no contact for the final time in February this year. Narc mother & totally dysfunctional & enabling relatives & their friends (which they talk crap about) have taken enough of my life from me. What a sick sick sick show this has been! I’m mad at myself for not getting away & staying away from them sooner but I didn’t have the strength & self worth that I do now. So many years wasted though, holding on to the hope for a close, real, loving relationship with “family”. There’s no way I could be around any of them at this point. Y’all stay mean & horrible & miserable & chaotic over there…I’m out
Here's to healing @gem7078.
I'm 55, too, but I walked away from our mother when I was 46, simply left it up to her to maintain our relationship -- it was always a one-way street. At the time I concluded she was "Miss Information, the Queen of Envy", but after years of research I have concluded she had to be a full-blown narcissist. She was easily the most difficult person I've ever encountered, to the point I'm considering developing a screenplay about her life and death. It's all stranger than fiction!
Good on you! 😊
Im 55 too. Got out for the final time in July this year. Went back in after 8 years of no contact from both my parents. For 2 and a half years I put up with crap because my mum died and being an empath i felt sorry for my dad. For 18 months of that 2 abd half years i was banned from seeing my dad by my 3 sisters because i wasnt vaccinated, im still not vaccinated, phone calls only. I thought it would be different, it was,it was worse when i did get to see him it was a total nightmare and i had to do what i had to do to get out, so i wrote my dad a letter telling him everything i had bottled up from childhood knowing it would cause narcissist rage. He replied saying he cant believe i still after 55 years haven't taken responsibility for what i did to the family etc, so much reflection tion because he hurt our family and our pets. Im finally getting myself back slowly, it doesn't take as long after you've had years of no contact, im still sad that I will never have the family i so craved growing up, I was made to believe I was no good etc, typical narcissistic upbringing. I won't go back in, im cut out of the Will but I'm safe and free and that's all I care about. Sending you lots of ❤.
@@tinkingtinking2134 thank you so much, much love to you as well 💜 I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. It’s horrible. I was no contact many times, the longest was a little over 4 years from 2012 to 2016. Was no contact once again from February 2021 to January 2022, & again I went back. I put up with their bs & total lack of accountability & empathy for yet another year & then put a final stop to it in February. I know my worth now & I’m done being treated poorly. Wills from people like this are blood money imo. I don’t want a penny. Yes it’s tough but like you said the freedom is priceless 🤗
Exactly😊, no contact works for me.
Toxic families exist on a continuum. We listen to these videos and feel our situation wasn't exactly as described and this makes us doubt that our families damaged us. We have to remember that no two families are alike, but the damage still occurs. If we are struggling, we probably did not have the scaffold that loving parents would have provided us in childhood that would help us to cope when life throws hard times at us. We fall apart and think something is wrong with us and something is. Realizing that even though my family isn't exactly as Jerry describes but that I am exactly as he describes has forced me to admit that the environment in which I grew up is responsible for a large part of who I am. Sorry for being so long-winded, but I am trying to share this with those of you who can't heal because you keep blaming yourself for your reaction to life. Yes, we are responsible for our reaction but we are not responsible for creating those reactions. We can be responsible for changing them. The sooner I stop blaming myself and start realizing that my childhood created me, the sooner I can start changing the war inside me that keeps me feeling all those things Jerry describes. The trauma bond to our families has to be broken before we can be free to heal.
Perfectly stated❤
❤
Well said!
Nancy, thank you so much for being so open and truthful and taking the time to leave this comment about yourself. I admire the self awareness, but mostly your willingness to set pride and ego aside to tell the world about your own flaws in such an honest way.
I watched this video not because I felt damaged, but because I'm a father. Not quite sure how it got into my feed, but it struck my curiosity to see what would be describe as characteristics of a narcissistic parent as it relates to their children. I love my children with all of my heart, and I'm constantly trying to do a better job of communicating with them in a meaningful way, as in a way they will most fully absorb and comprehend the concepts I'm attempting to teach them. Young children have limited vocabulary and understanding, so as an adult many times parents talk to their young children like they would a pre teen or adult even, and the kids listen to the chatter but don't comprehend it and are left feeling confused and inadequate by the lecture they were tormented by. I got lectures as a kid when I would get in trouble, and from what I remember, often times, most times in young childhood I didn't really grasp or even understand the point of the long winded, topic hopping discussions but would nod and agree when asked if I understand, because not understanding, or not having the vocabulary/base knowledge to describe that which I did not understand was met with frustration/anger, which only made me feel less secure about the next moments. I don't want to make mistakes that damage my children mentally or emotionally so I try to learn different techniques of teaching new concepts and approaching discipline in a way that doesn't damage our relationship or trust. It's a very difficult thing to do well and I thought I'd see if anything in the video described our household. (I'm really long winded, you should talk to me in person lol)
Anyway, your comment was the most valuable part of this video. I had an ah ha moment (epiphany) and I really said all of this, probably unnecessarily, to attempt to relay to you the profoundness and importance of the realization you gifted me with your bravery.
Essentially, thank you thank you thank you!! I'm certain this comment won't only help my family, but many others!
@@diceman5541 Thank you for sharing. We are in this together. One remark i would make to your moving words: children are far more capable of understanding deep thoughts than we realize. I taught 6 and 7 year old. They humbled me so much. Also, they know who cares.
On another note: you are a great writer. Do you leave little notes around for your kids? Put one in their lunch bags.
My narcissistic Mother is a compulsive liar. Recently made a remark that love kills. I told her then it’s not love. I asked her to see a therapist, but she refuses. I’m no contact now.
Yeah. That is a decision that someone have to choose to make for themselves.
She would have just lied to the counselor and wasted your money if she is like my "mother". Good move going no contact.
This list can also apply to any narcissist. It’s a good red flag detector list too.
Mr. Wise, I appreciate You so much! I spent 12 years in therapy and tried every pharmaceutical anti depressant on the market. Your lessons on narcisism have helped more than anything. I still struggle with suicidal idiations and I no longer on medication, but I am so much better than I have ever been. I am learning not to question my own validity. Everything is better!
Both parents were narcs. Never had any friends who really knew them. I was treated badly for having close friends as a child..no one can really know really who they are. I also remember when they hurt me they enjoyed it. Very sad growing up this way. And we were super religious. I think these people are attracted to strict religions.
Exactly that’s how mine was and is nobody is allowed to see who they are they go to church but never say a prayer at the table only abuse and put downs can’t have friends either they find some reason why they don’t want anybody around they talk nasty to you when they get you by yourself also mine would mess with me then call the cops on me and have me arrested they kicked me and my sister out of the house before 18 they enjoy your pain and sorrow
Mine were in a strict religion too. The church was full of them. Ruining lives so they could be admired. Sickos.
@bobross3309 wow very sad I hope that you are healing 🙏🏽
Some probably are, but not all. Both my parents are narcissists and atheists. They made fun of religion and religious people….now in their eighties..alone, no family, neither have spouses….one is TERRIFIED of death…and the other joined a church….I think so she looks like she has “friends”…I’m surprised the church hasn’t burned down tbh 😂😂 jk
I've repeatedly posted about Jehovah's Witnesses.
They are a narcissistic CULT.
Narcissists love to act like they occupy the moral high ground.
They never do.
My father worships my mother. And even beat me up for not worshiping that soulless.
I told him: "she is just a human, not God".
Imagine, I had to pay the price.
The thing I hate the most of them is that they come back from their church trying to manipulate me into going to it. I told them a thousand times. "You can do anything you want, I have the same right". (Of course I had to pay the price).
I have a good example( of callousness/cruelty/sadism; I was about 4 and my mom said/did something mean ( i can't remember what and not sure I remember this incident myself, or if i remember it b/c my mom told me about it, as if it was funny, which she had a lot of "stories" she'd tell that were obvious examples of cruelty to anyone else listening but that she obviously had zero insight or awareness of and/or even thought were funny when they were not funny) - I told her she had hurt my feelings, to which she replied, mocking me "where are your feelings?" I said I didn't know, and she responded "well If i hurt your feelings, you must know where they are, otherwise how do you know i hurt them"? to which I responded by pointing at the lump in my throat, saying it hurt there, so that had to be where my feelings were. I suspect she laughed at me and am 100% sure she did not apologize, because she never, once apologized for ANYTHING, ever. She was always right, at my expense. Even 40 years after she assaulted me when i was 7-ish, she could not and would not apologize. Even in her 70's she insisted i deserved to be screamed at, have my head banged against the wall and called a stupid little --tch, repeatedly, until i was completely terrified. an if there was a point that i realized i couldn't trust her, i guess that was it. when i think about these 2 incidents (of many) i want to reach out and give that version of me a hug and tell her SHE was right and give her some sort of advice to help but i don't think there was any useful advice i could have given other than "try to make it through, and try not to make them mad because it's only going to get worse if you do". I knew the way i was being treated was wrong from a very young age. I knew i wasn't loved. I tried giving my brother advice once as he was being taken to his room to get the belt right after i got it, which was "don't cry, that's what they want - don't let them know it hurts".
speaking of God...
This is the way I view things;
Jerry, anyone who comes across your presence has been exclusively touched by an angel
although I cannot imagine what that bright-blue eyed boy endured
I am ecstatic that you made it out! sought healing inside out and now equipped and fully in your mission to SNAP others out of self-blame and loathing and into their awakening to ultimately build that kingdom of light
here you deserve these and more Mr. Wise💐💫
I so agree!
My father is a malignant narcissist and my mother is a covert narcissist. Growing up in that home was a complete and utter nightmare! I have survived enormous amounts of physical, emotional and sexual abuse at 53-years-old I finally found a decent therapist who is helping me after several suicide attempts in the past because of what my family put me through and the other people I allowed in my life who treated me horribly because I thought it was normal. I'm grateful to be learning this now but don't know how to come to terms with the fact that my entire life has been miserable because of my own family.
I can relate to some of the things you've gone through my parents are a covert and malignant narcs as well. I'm a lot younger than you though I'm only 25. Im so glad and ecstatic to know that you've gone on a journey of recovery, healing and reflection. May you enjoy your journey fellow survivor.
I started feeling autonomous at 5 years old lol started dressing myself, started raking leaves and shoveling snow for money at 9! Super brave child. My parents were narcissists and they feared my autonomy 😅😅 I'm watching this for my 2 year old son! I fell for a narcissist 😩💔❤️
I'm re-experiencing my abusive and neglected childhood right now, at 60 years old. My own life collapsed and I've been thrown back on the non-existent emotional support of my family of origin. I've also somehow become trapped into a role full-time, live-in carer to my vulnerable narcissist elderly mother. which I never volunteered for nor asked for, while my siblings go about their lives and only pop in to check if I'm working hard enough for mum. They just don't see me or care about me except as a 'role'. I've been a virtual prisoner of mum's house for almost 2 years and there's no safe escape route for me. I'll lose the will to live unless I fight every single day to self-protect. Your videos are wonderful Jerry and i'm very grateful for all the free content you provide. I wish I could afford your personal help. I'm sure some support would benefit me greatly and help to break the isolation open for me. I grew up as the invisible child, but now I know the horror of being scapegoated by your whole family, I can't recommend either of them to anyone. Narcissism is like a silent pandemic. So many people have had their lives ruined by it.
How did you get trapped?
The world is full of narcissists.
Brilliant! Key points are gold!
This is moving me forward!
My dad wore dress pants everywhere. He worked in a factory it's wasn't a huge place.
All I knew as a boy is I didn't want to be like him.
He was fake.
Once again, your words and wisdom resonate to my core. No one understands generational narcissism like you. Thank you for guiding me on my healing jouney.
Love the new quality of production Jerry.
Glad you noticed, thanks for watching ❤️
Thank you for the list. So many of these describe my mother. But there's one thing I never hear discussed and that's going from being The Golden Child to being the scapegoat. That is exactly what happened to me.
Both narcs, only child, parents had me late in life. It’s a walking nightmare wondering when the lies in your head and wondering when will the trauma wil stop? Most days I convince myself that there passing will ease it all. And that’s when I can truly heal. It’s a horrible experience lace to be. It’s like being an orphan or abused or neglected orphan? It’s such an unnatural and toxic dynamic.
Jerry?!! I didn't know you knew my parents!!😂
A sort of correllary I've found useful in terms of finding the road map to our healing that you mention.
Alot of us don't remember childhood abuse. In cases of neglect, it can be very difficult to spot what the behaviors were that damaged us.
I figured out that if I paid closer attention to what they did and i felt as a result, now, present day, soon began to see and hear what kwascyo my distress. I knew how they damaged me in the first place because, honestly, it isn't any different now, just the form might have changed slightly. Hope tgat helks someone. ❤😂🎉
I can relate to every trait you said..
Dziękujemy.
Also be prepared for the narcissist to label you as the narcissist when they realize you’ve seen through their BS. Ultimate gas lighting.
Oomph. Controlling and manipulation. That’s such a huge one. Feeling like you have no defenses in life and are powerless and just can’t do anything about it. So you just go through life getting kicked around and walked all over for the longest. The sadism wasn’t helpful either. It was more or less like a military or regime type of setup. Not so erratic but cold and cruel and more “regimented” requirements and punishments. But they were pretty much most of the above. It’s good to be coming out of that…finally.
Wow 😰 this explains so much!😢
So good!!
Appreciate your clear informative videos. Taking care of my covert narcissist mother, and dealing daily with all her awful words has worn me to a frazzle. Your videos,
a Pastor Keith Moore's videos are what is helping me to not fall apart, thank you.
Thank you for your content. I have been divorced from a covert narc for 7 years but we co parent our 16 year old daughter. The more info I know the better I can help her navigate her relationship with her mom. God bless you and your channel!
Very well succinctly explained 101. I am really being educated finally!!!! ❤
Hearing all this and being reminded of sooo much is very very difficult 😣
Wow, spot on. Where were you 20 years ago?
Most likely going through the same pain as everyone else.
Hi Jerry, I like your platform/style, from a total narc cult family and no contact, luckily I'll get some bucks when she finally kicks off but covert mom would say I wasn't uni material (dad went deadbeat of course) so I put myself through college. Imagine telling your own kid they weren't smart enough so what does that mean, everyone's smart but you? Unbelivable, I got the boot at 17 and managed to not marry 'till 33 or have my 1st at 34 then onto never working again,,,,, They only want to destroy what won't worship them, thanks, love from Montreal, golden child gone copper!
More or less all points from 1 to 15 apply to my mother. 1 reservation about no 15 she lacks empathy and she's unfeeling completely but sadism is probably the next level
One bad thing is that like with a lot of abuse it has tendency to be carried forward. The traits a narcissist instills can easily create another like them because those traits are the core of their own dysfunction. My father is a narcissist who sees all the fault in others, but is mostly blind to his own. He thinks he is better than his parents, but is far worse. That is why it is important to have good sources of professional and other feedback. You don't want to carry this forward. I try to be objective, but you can't rely on that in an echo chamber.
Some of these really hits the nail on the head. I can’t help but to laugh at the pin point accuracy of my ex mother! 🤣🤣🤣
I appreciate that you mention the sexual abuses perpetrated by the narcissist, however brief. It's a very real issue. I know you have to be careful because of UA-cam. Thank you for not ignoring the facts.
❤️
Thank you for great observations and valuable advice.
I pray for my grandchildren 🙏. God please protect them from the evil one.
I think my sister, who is a great person, can show narcissistic traits some times... :/ I told her someone was rude to me because I tripped on something of theirs, and her response was: "well, but your hair is always on your face", and when, for the first time, I dared to not be agreeable, she gave me the silent treatment. And then, when I expressed that I didn't like her saying that, she got mad at me, like I have no sense of humor, because it was a joke to lighten the mood, apparently. Now that I think about it, a normal response should've been along the lines of: "I'm sorry" ??
People, even family, can be so cruel. Sorry that happened to you and sorry you werent shown appropriate empathy for your pain. Whats worse is whennit is family and then once we experience this repeated lack of empathy, we are told that we are supposed to love and care about them because they do actually love us. Its very confusing for a child growing up and still is for an adult. I feel you...stay strong because you are valued.
@@tacocat510 Wow, thank you so much for your kindness
Youre dropping such great knowledge on your channel, Jerry. Keep it up! It's much appreciated!
I've come to learn in my 51 years of life. There is nothing we can control other than ourselves. I get, understanding why I am the way I am. When the rubber meets the road, it's my responsibility. If someone does something, and I say they made me angry. They may have done something inappropriate, but it's still my anger. I'm responsible for my anger. Not only that, I think too many people live their life based on their feelings. The feelings, but this does not mean there's any truth to the feeling. I can feel like my wife doesn't love me. But the facts and the truth are, my wife does love me. I think we all need to get to a point, or we're not living our lives based on feelings but fact. After all, it's my own thoughts that create the feelings inside me.
painful, resonates, much appreciated Jerry.
Oh, my first, describing my partner to the tea he hits every single one of those
As an only child, it was Hellish confusing. A pawn in a game. I never hear videos on the only child. It was horrible, with moments of extreme nice when they wanted. That intermittent I messed my whole life up. I wish someone would cover being an only child with two toxic self centred parents who were completely unfit
Jerry , you are so wise❤
I can see what traits are like my mother and what aren't. I don't think she's a pathological narcissist -- I think she's more codependent -- but there are definite similarities. Especially the focus on image. You don't talk about your problems because ..."What will people think of us?" Later in life I did attract a pathological narcissist as a friend, though, because I was so wired to please.
I believe my mom was bpd. It's very close to npd. Hard to tell the difference.
Other people's opinion used to be a survival necessity. If someone did not fit the society it would be hard to do anything and affect the whole family. I don't think it's fair to blame people on how they lived their lives in those circumstances. Fear of getting a "bad name" used to be a huge problem and, I am pretty sure, is still a problem in a lot of places.
@@amberinthemist7912Yes, I'm leaning towards undiagnosed BPD with her moods/rages and fear of abandonment, but who knows what actually goes on in her mind lol
thank you
Awesome ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Thank you. Linking to the books you are recommending would be appreciated (and could give you some compensation if you provide a merchant link)
Thank you for your feedback.
All of my book recommendations are here
www.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/book-list
Thanks😊
Sleeping with the enemy...
Dealing with enemies.
All people with those traits, behaviors are the enemy and are oponents, concurrents.
I see it that way after years, decades of experiences and horrendous suffering.
The endresult is>>>
They wipe you away as you are seen as a possible and future concurrent.
Nature is hard.
Also other primates do this to eachother.
It is horrible if your own parent, family is doing this. So called friends included, partner.
It just means...they are NOT on your side and do NOT your best interrest and wellbeing in mind.
In war you see the same.
Finishing eachother off.
Thankyou ❤
You're welcome 😊
Exactly how poverty or lack of increase as equal to inflation! Pressures make for reactive decisions. This is more trauma in action just the renting environment for singles! Ouch
When I was young. My mother would has a closet full of shoes 👞. Nice. She would buy me velcro.
Sounds like my mom. Here clothes were really nice and mine and my brother's looked like we were on the way to the damn Hee Haw Show.
I felt like I did not deserve to exist.
Do you have a….
“HOW do i learn to trust myself” video? I’m getting there slowly. 💗
I looked but don’t see one…
I have a few, and in a way all of my videos are relevant to learning to trust yourself, because you can’t have SELF-trust of you don’t have a self. Focus on self-differentiation and your self trust will improve.
Here are some videos:
Keys to trusting again- ua-cam.com/video/B6RmUMdrpr8/v-deo.htmlsi=w5pIuWLw1MxG4ZoH
keys to self-confidence narcissistic parents didn’t teach you- ua-cam.com/video/IJ7kSCGJpHk/v-deo.htmlsi=EOSXNW6QrsirWMMk
Ways narcissistic parents gaslight you and destroy yourself trust- ua-cam.com/video/wamyWrhbrFY/v-deo.htmlsi=ifyA9S2obt0liTwx
If you are looking for more practical actionable help with this, I recommend checking out the self-differentiation recovery program program.jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com/welcome/
Thanks for watching
@@jerrywise I have some stress and I think it makes me a tad blind! Thank you.
You hit every one of my "mother's" and sisters' and cr*p "brother's" CHARMS...UGH
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❤🙏🏻
Luckily, I guess,my N's have no charm and no friends.
Stop with that narcissistic parent crap: sometimes what you claim as narcissistic parent is really about the narcissistic child: if your child refuses to bathe each day, or refuses to keep their room clean, or refuses to go to school or get to school on time, or refuses to so their homework. Be careful of who you label as narcissistic.
My father was a malignant narcissist growing up. I didn’t refuse to do anything. He just always hated me and punished me all the time if he didn’t get his way. Im not a narcissistic child 😒
There are more appropriate support sites if this doesn't apply to you. This site is more intended to be a group support for adult children that were raised in extreme abuse and how to acquire coping skills and healthy dynamics because ours suffered severe arrest from extreme abuse. ( For example, my narcissistic mom hung belts on every other door in our house, and controlling us with manipulation and physical torture. ) yeah You're probably on the wrong site.
PRESENT!