Ep. 09 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer
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- Опубліковано 14 жов 2024
- The 2 Bears are back in the 1 Cave and Sober October is almost at the half way point. The wheels are coming off in some ways and we find out if Bert's family would be sad if he left us. Did you know you can text P. Diddy and other celebrities now? We put it to the test. Plus Spear Fishing, Private Jets and is Bert the Master of Impressions?
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This show has become an immediate watch, no matter what I'm doing at the time. So glad they finally did this shit!
Tmoora Fight it’s too damn funny.
9x better than rogan.
I agree 💯. I'm a fan of both of their other cast but since the 1st episode have loved everything. They have real chemistry that's authentic and raw. I appreciate that they're unapologetic and let it fly. #everything right with comedy
omg bert realizing he had to give the money to charity was hilarious lmao 25:18
Robert Thompson Almost ran off the road. F-OMG hilarious.
I sounded just like Bert, from laughing so hard! 😂 Hilarious!
The background laughter had me cackling in my car 😂😂😂
For a good minute, we get to experience Tom’s old man laugh, and Bert’s high pitched squeak at about 26:20 and it has brought so much joy to my day.
Yes
Tom: ... " You're not a good guy"
Bert: "I wanted that money so bad"
Cant breathe from laughing so hard!
Dalton Stoltz idk why just the settle plain and simple “your not a good guy “ fucking killed me lol
I gave it to a homeless shelter near my house so I could get them out of my backyard lol
What part of the podcast is this in?
@@daniellivingston8759 near 25:18
I haven't laughed this hard in a good say 3 months fucking hell man that was so great!!!!!!😅😅😅😅😅🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I do intermittent fasting too...its called being broke.
Truth 😂
cancel your internet subsription and cop some spam, baby
Denver January This is probably the best comment i've ever read
Dam ... This 1 hits home !!!
you're not broke, you're just prioritizing something else over food.
Bert every 30 seconds: “we should do a challenge where...”
So happy you guys did sober October this year!! You guys encouraged me to quit smoking!
14days smoke free!
You got this, bud ! Keep going for a hundred days, then quit for good is easy !
Nice dude keep it up!!
It's been 4 years, did you stick with it?
Bret's alcoholism is so bad tito's stocks drop 8% every October.
He should get equity in the company lol
Don’t exaggerate. It’s only .08
@@Isaacr90 He is sponsored by them. It's not techincally called "sponsorship" though, eventhough it's same thing. I forget what they call it, but read about Bert and Tito's deal in Business article
Bert is not aware that he has a drinking problem...and Dr. Drew enables him. Personally, I think it's pretty awesome. I wish Dr. Drew would enable me. That'd for sure shut up the wife.
@@ontologicallysteve7765 lmfaoooo
Bert looks a lot better already and his voice sounds more clear.
PrincessRose15 Give it 3 months
@@MrLardCock Yep, you're probably right haha
PrincessRose15 Fucking look exactly the same.
THE THEO VON IMPRESSION !!!! 😭😭😭😭 IM CRYINGGG. Yes I am rewatching ALL of these episodes because I love y’all so much.
"Is equivolates a word?" Love you Tom.
Release the tapes Bert, “The Molly Chronicles of a Snivelling Judas and his Beloved”
Come on bert..
We deverve to see the other side to Molly . Got the feeling you had to much fun
Do it Bert
turns out Bert revealed to Rogan that the pure MDMA dose
helped him go sober from alcohol this time. Ari you fucked up lol.
hence why so many of is are pushing for legitimate substance/personal trauma therapy involving mdma.
ive ranted in defense of m.d but i understand the delivery was poor & disrespectful by Ari.
'molly'...is not evil because it is 'illegal' is where im comin from.
look into it...haha
sup 10th planet.
Jeans.
@Joshua Aldaco SOOWOO!
"I'm bringing one of my oldest friends"
"how old is he?"
That was gold
Bryan Callen, 86
adamgm84 Bryan “The Liver” Callen
@@adamgm84 quit being nice we all know Bryan is 103...
“my brain hurts in the back”. -famous last words for 200$.
THIS NEEDS TO BE LONGER
Story of my life.
That's what she said
“My brain hurts in the back”
not the first time that’s been said by Tom, literally my favorite thing he says after laughing so hard
There’s nothing better than coming home after a grueling sesh at Hot Spin cycle and laying down on my Saatva mattress with a whoop strap on my wrist and a champion sized water bottle in my hand and taking some MDMA to help curb my alcoholic tendencies.
KidBaklava504 Dont forget the Titos
I have listened to so many podcasts in my life. In less than 10 episodes I have decided that this is the best one.
I've never laughed harder at Bert's impression of Theo. He was so positive he could do Theo and then he was looking at Tom at the end for him to say it was a good impression!
27:55
"I got lucky."
"What, you were born white?"
LOL
“When you sell 300,000 tickets on a tour then you can give me your opinion” -Tom Segura, 2019. I legit laughed till it hurt with that one hahaha 😂
Dakota Olson even if he only makes $30 per ticket it’s 9M.
He can do whatever the hell he wants.
Was that a made up number?
The impressions starting with Sebastion and Seinfeld, segueing into Hannibal then all of the cirlce of friends: pure gold. With Bert saying "Im not good at impressions".
Burt should do a PPV for the podcast of him on molly.
Kyle Foehrkolb Can’t believe he didn’t show it. He’s turning into such a pussy bitch. Always talking about fucking eating and weighing himself too. Annoys the shit out of me.
And donate it to charity
For every 10 buys he has to take a double shot of makers mark
I absolutely loved berts impressions. I think he is actually peppier and more funnier sober! keep it up, Bert! you are great!
Bert Kreischer with a capital K and hard R’s, thank god for Mondays.
#1 Comment here guys, why isn't it at the top yet
I Fucking love this podcast it’s always great
can you imagine tom or bert on comedians in cars getting coffee
that’s gold jerry, gold!!
"Umm, yeah there's no Molly in this right?" I fucking died.
Thank God. I was just finishing up the new "Where my mom's at" episode and was worried I wouldn't have anything else to waste another hour of my day. Thank you Thicc bois
"Bobby Lee?"
-_-
"Try not to squint"
1:04:56 I died laughing 😂
Welcome back to another episode of two guys laugh and cough!
I feel like Everytime Bert gets a new hat, they need to add the symbol to the FBI watch list immediately.
He sounds like half Barnie and half the count from Sesame Street :)
"Gender identity???? I'm out!!" I'm dying, that was so funny...
"Is 'equivilates' a word?" Thank you so much Tom, Bert would've kept saying it for the rest of his life.
Every new thing Tom does and tries Bert says he wants to do it lmao he’s like a little brother that wants to be like his older brother haha
Bert’s gonna be lookin like Christian Bale from that one movie if he actually gets the weight down lol
Yeah, Christian Bale in Vice
Haha "The Machinist"
Yeah he'll look like Christian Bale in American Hustle.
American psycho? yoga in tighty whities with the ice-pack-eye-mask??
I cant see him as batman but we'll see
I love how I'm watching Tom and Adolf talk about how important sleep is while I'm watching this at midnight knowing that I have to get up early
ya im crying.i love how you set yourself up, lovew you guys.
Bert maybe 315 but he carries it like he's 205.
Ken Comstock thats Not a reference most people will get. Nice.
@@metalfuk1 i think you're underestimating just how insanely famous the god HardRockNick is.
@@metalfuk1 I ain't no false blood.
Ken Comstock SOO WOO
I'm willing to bet he's more than 260 for sure. There's no way he is in the lower 230's.
I think these podcasts are posted the perfect length apart from each other, it surprises me every time I see it in my feed cuz I forget about it every week.
“Puff daddy doesn’t have any friends”
they probably got tired of all the "black excelence" he resonates
Denver January you misspelled “had biggie killed”
@@cloud_monkey422 Noice one!
"making a hit record"
Really puff? The only song of yours I remember is the one with the 'cashmere' hook that you did for Godzilla (1998).
@@calska140 Yeah, no. Ignoring that he has 3 grammys, and a bunch of nominations, he's been more focused on directing things as a label head/A&R over the last 20 years (and moreso now focused on Revolt). His artists have produced a ridiculous amount of #1 records under his guidance in that time.
I'm of the opinion no one can call someone else an alcoholic: that person has to decide it for themselves.
Bert's an alcoholic.
Dr. Matthew Hertert just like cancer. No one can tell you that you have cancer, you have to decide for yourself.
Successful functioning alcoholic
If he's not an alcoholic he's CERTAINLY abusing his body. Alcohol can cause 7+ different types of cancer. I don't think he knows that.
Me: *opens vodka*
He may abuse alcohol, but usually ("real") alcoholics need to be medically detoxed (usually Librium, Ativan, or Valium) when they stop drinking. If Bert really drank like people think he'd be shaking like hell, and after this many years he'd be "sick",and it's unlikely he'd jump right into exercise like he does. Usually "real" alcoholics drink from the time they wake up till they go to bed and go through over a liter of vodka a day.
Dr. Matthew Hertert I’m of the opinion that you’re an alcoholic and you see yourself in Botched Chrysler which is why you’re bullying him right now you meanie
"You're not a good guy" 🤣🤣🤣
Love the laughing in the background, HILARIOUS 😂
The laughing in the background sends me
Jorge Barrios where?
Today we got a brand new episode of Something's burning and a new two bears one cave. Thanks for making my Monday better!
"Gang gang son I knew a dude growing up he wore a battleship as a hat ! He lived right down the street with a guy that had two napsacs, one filled with babies and another filled with squirell. Is that accurate ? Sure you're nailing all of them " 🤣🤣
I love having a new episode every week!
The impressions at the end were hilarious! haha
holy shit the meet and greet charity rant is soooooooooooooooo funny. Honestly hardest I've laughed this year
last time i was this early for something my mom put me in an incubator
not bad
Relatable
Last time I was this early my dad shot me into my moms mouth!
New fav podcast. I could easily watch 3 hours of this.
1:04:57
Tim: "Try not to squint!"
Barnt(all in one expression): *squints* , *realizes the racism* , *dies of shame*
Thanks Bert for giving it to Tom about Australian Tour . That what we talked about on the brisbane leg at your free Meet and Greet.
Bertr's impressions sounds like that person doing an impression of Bert 😂
This has become my favourite podcast. I love the fact that you can hear the producers laugh.
Nedav's cackle in the back is icing on this racist cake😂
Omgosh I can’t get enough of it 😭😂😭😂
Bert killed it in Charleston last week even his 2 openers were awesome! The special will be his best work yet.
“To segura is my best friend”- Bart. Also “what is your other kids name”
Gerard Lieb then “what do they look like?” Lmao
Lmao I love Tom's backhanded compliments
Always a pleasure to hear from the Ted Bundy of belly laughs and his friend the Grand Wizard of whimsy.
This is becoming my favorite podcast
"delia would say it too"
"really?"
" yeah it's imimim I'm hoping he would cause I'm kinda lighting it up right now"
22:06
lolshatter oh my god I can’t un-hear the stammer now, it’s every other 2 words 🤯😲😆
These are my favorite I wish they were more often!
I love how Brent always refers to his brain, as if it isn’t actually him.
Thank you for making this weekly!!!
This is at least 9x better than JRE
That is not a high standard to beat. Jre sux
Joe Rogan fell way off. His guests are more funny and interesting than him and he HATES that.
@25:17 Meet and Greets + Bert's True Colors + "You're not a good guy!" LOL
Bert: "I never laugh at Casey Anthony jokes"
*immediately laughs at a Casey Anthony joke*
Glad I’m binging your podcasts today! I’m sure I’m going to have withdrawals after I finish it. By the way, great show in San Antonio Bert!!!
When tom gets really tickled by something its sooo much funnier than when bert does
Rarer
Holy shit what a great way to end my Monday, thank you guys for always making days better
I can’t believe I got this comment off without Bert interrupting me.
Frfr man I just finished the Sebastian Ep of Something's Burning... Lost a little love for Burt.
@426ZZZZ I've seen every episode.
Cry about it
😂
Robert O’Toole congratulations you’ve just posted a perfect comment you win an hour lunch with Bert, however the conversation is limited strictly to Bert talking about his anxiety about flying and Joe rogans current hobbies.
"..AHahahaha, you're not a good guy 😂"
🤣😆 Fucking hilarious
"I'm getting up in a plane just to fly it" - why you do this tommy bones
So no bullshit this podcast gives me the most amazing hour or so of relief ever. I have a lot going on and a kid on the way and it just means a lot to me to have this little hour of dude conversation I don't really get anymore and yeah, just dope to listen to you guys.
“Joe’s recovery is for shit it’s like he doesn’t even need it” yeah Bart it’s called TRT😂
Joe wakes up like GOOOOOOD FUCKING MORNING!
I hope he goes full trottle and makes TRT-tor look like a concentration camp survivor
I get so excited every time I see a new episode drop!!
“I have a drinking problem; JUST FLUIDS.”
"My last meal is at 8 pm and then I dont eat"...what a maniac this guy is
I laughed so hard I couldnt breath, around the 25 minute mark, when Bert, was talking about charity!
Work a 9-5 labor job like roofing next sober October. See what your whoop thinks about your strain then
The part with Bert's charity thing almost killed me holy shit.. 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Why isn’t there a “Dumber than Bert” shirt in the merch store?!
Because nobody is dumber than Bert
He couldnt come up with that idea.
Hey!
Don't give up, either of you.
Thank you for Sober October!
Also thank you both for all the laughs.
They both get the highest voice when they are laughing....I love it
Honestly bert looks so much better already, keep it going after October bert 👌🏻
Bort “Just learned about the placebo effect” Chrysler
best ad speeches on youtube. period.
Tom "My head hurts in the back" Segura
this n tiger belly r THE PERFECT podcast
*this is my first october sober in years....i'm like 8 months in so i guess i'll push through october as well :)*
Hell yeah, man! IWNDWYT
The money to charity bit made me piss myself hahahahahaha
The background laughter is so funny 😂😂😂
And did Bert just admit to attempted embezzlement of charity money?😂🤣
Edit: I think we need a podcast to break down this podcast!😂
@426ZZZZ since when don't you know that you are raising money?😂 I mean sure it's Bert but still
Well Read Bull no he tried to his accountant saved him.
I fucking love this show ! I love how comics sew branching out from their normal podcast with other friends and making fire contexnt
Watching this in November of 2023, I'm feeling like maybe I know why Diddy doesn't have any friends 😬
Can great is it that you guys being you, could influence so many others to come on board and rally around you guys and make themselves happy in the process. 😎Talk about inspiration.😀 God has blessed you guys with this gift and I am appreciative that you would share it with us. So Thank you for that my brothas.✊
I can’t believe I care this much about another mans health.
Let me help you,
He's not going to make that weight.
A machine is not a man.
Man i needed a good laugh today, thanks for coming through fellas
Literally, literally, literally, literally, LIT-ER-AL-LY, literally, literally, literally, literally. I LITERALLY went spear fishing. literally!!
Oh thank goodness for this~!