Domestic Violence - The Male Perspective
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- Опубліковано 17 жов 2024
- Domestic Violence has finally become a subject which is taken seriously by the authorities. It was a long time coming but women are now more likely than ever to be taken seriously when they report their DV situation to the Police. However there is still an underlying issue which may even have been made worse. That is the issue of domestic violence where the victim is male and the aggressor is female. This is still the subject of laughter and derision among many. Thre Police rarely take it seriously and the public lack understanding. I share my experience from my younger days. Why do guys stay in these violent relationship? Why do they not walk away? Why don't they fight back?
Women DV offenders instantly go from the aggressor to the victim in the blink of an eye when the police arrive.
6’2, 15 stone, Kickboxer, Paratrooper. I put up with an abusive girl half my size. She would explode into violence when drinking. I quickly realised I was way too good to tolerate this behaviour. My only regret is that it took me that long to leave her .
❤amen to that wise decision 🙏
Never let that happen to you.
It seems like the little angry girls like to beat up on "big tough guys".
I had one that tried that. I had just gotten over a divorce. I told her that I am not putting up with ANY BS.
She tried mind games and tried to get physical again. I ended it, and she absolutely flipped out.
I would have to park my vehicle at my parents house for a while because she was trying to damage my car. Finally she moved on.
This is like something that happened to me too, 6ft and was a solid 16 stone when I was in my early 20s, was into kickboxing and weightlifting; the Mrs at the time was an alchie who got violent and crazy when she'd drink (she could never NOT drink, though) and she tried braining me with a metal ladel once; when I ripped it out of her hands she started trying to gaslight me saying I was scaring her... FOR NOT LETTING HER STRIKE ME WITH A METAL LADEL.
Next time I went round to pick up my stuff, my laptop with my uni assignments on it had been smashed.
Crazy chicks; great in bed but f*ked in the head. Steer clear lads.
@@LlopmondDunderbridge-nn2xt Sorry to hear it. The Police and family will automatically take the girl’s side too. It’s not as simple as sparkling them out - that’s jail time and they know it and use it as a lynchpin in their abuse. Crazy beasts!
A friend on the police said same sex female relationships are the most violent in his experience.
Statistically this is true in the US
Yup.
Highest divorce rates for that demographic
Many thanks for sharing very brave and it's not talked about enough ...I dated a woman who punched and spat on me.She wanted money constantly. She looked beautiful but was utterly rotten and a compulsive liar. Peace and love to ❤all.
You are a softie. Just like most good man, just like me. Please try to stay like that, it makes you a good man. Thanks for sharing this story, I learned from it.
❤❤❤
Learn this matey in life they never know whats coming.
I had a very similar experience when I was younger. I left when she called plod when I locked myself in the bedroom to avoid her. She asked the coppers to kick the door in so she could get to me. They left straightaway.
It's always harder when children are involved; some people just shouldn't be parents.
As a young man I learned that you can't be a 'saviour'.
Later in life I became a psychotherapist, specialising in loss and bereavement, helping but not attempting to 'save' anyone.
"It's almost impossible to change someone else's behavior." Completely agree.
For men in California: KNOW THIS: if you get into an argument with your wife or girlfriend and it becomes heated where both of you are raising your voices and possibly even yelling and swearing, look out!
If the police come out you, the man, will be arrested regardless of what your woman was doing.
In my case my wife got so crazy that she started hitting me and pushing me so I ended up leaving and going to an Applebee's type of a place in Walnut Creek where I met up with a friend.
After a few hours thinking she would have calmed down, I went back home only to see reflectors on cars all over my driveway and on the street.
Turns out that was the Contra Costa County Sheriff's about five cars all had their lights off but I saw all the reflection on the side of their cars.
As I approached my front door, a cop came out and asked me who I was and then asked me what happened.
I told him exactly what happened. The cop went back into my home and wouldn't let me into my house and he then came back with another officer and told me to turn around and put my hands behind my back.
I said how could I be arrested for nothing the officer replied that my wife called 911 because she was scared when I raise my voice.
So I got rolled up for 4 days then she finally bailed me out with my cash savings I had inside the house.
On the ride to the jail, the officers were pretty friendly and told me anytime in California that they are called out on a domestic violence, one person has to go to jail no matter what.
That was their new protocol and he said 99% of the time it's the man. 😟
More young men need to hear stories like this, along with the wisdom as to how it happens and how to best deal with it. I only wish I had half of this perspective thirty years ago. So many common themes: "I can fix her with my love", the police and the "believe all women" narrative, the alcoholism, the twisting of the blame, the "I'll just suck it up because she seems so nice the rest of the time". Props for sharing.
I have been there, nice of you to share mate 😉 . I had two girls conspired to set me up , ex's plotting up . 1 alcoholic and 1 schemer, police involved 3 years of grief and counting. The judges saw though them largely. I now have to fight one more case for my legal medical marijuana company the police were fine with till the allegations from the girls 😢the police then behaved corruptly and tried to hide the truth of matter's. I have the last trial in four weeks and hearing your story I could really relate, it's nice to know others have had many of the same issues. Thanks
One thing that really stuck out to me is that you explained these relationships are usually not abusive from the start...it happens over time. Completely agree with this. You become invested on multiple levels and then the abuse sneaks up on you. It's gradual. Like you said, if someone came up and punched you in the face, you wouldn't want anything to do with that person. Generally speaking, abuse in relationships doesn't work like that.
It’s usually not deliberate, but somehow perhaps subconsciously perhaps intentionally the abuser usually doesn’t ramp things up to full intensity until you’re “trapped”. There are many cases of male abusers who never laid a hand on their victims until after marriage or pregnancy. It’s the same with male victims and female abusers, they subconsciously can tell when you’re locked in and that’s when they really start to hurt you.
There are probably also different types of abusive relationships.
By that I mean you could be splashed by someone’s destructive tendencies or be taken advantage of by someone who is consciously manipulating you.
@@reedy_9619 Yes. That's true.
Ah, sunk cost fallacy. So sorry, you suffered that kind of abuse and good for you, finally admitting you cannot change other, no matter how much you wish you could. Thank you for sharing this story, may it be a warning to other young men.
The point is that you had a good model of how to behave from your own parents. That's a priceless gift that all kids deserve. Hopefully, you were able to show her kids a different way of doing things before you left. Sometimes one person has to be the adult in relationships like this, and that includes making the decision to leave and *never go back* .
I admire you for having principles and not waiting at a Male Friends Houses alone with their Wife/GF.
I had many ex friends who would openly flirt with my Gf's when we'd meet up as couples with their Partners or in large groups,and I'm not talking about harmless stuff but pretty sexual things (Actually had Gfs do the same to friends)
So I've always made it a point to never cross that barrier and have standards,just a shame others don't.
Never fall in the trap to believe, that you can fix another person.
Agree.
I really feel for you with that woman. My first “true love” was with a woman who had “borderline personality disorder” (I highly recommend watching Sam Vaknins videos on UA-cam about it). That lady I have no doubt was borderline. They are the most seductive women, the passion and sex you’ll never forget, when you go up together it’s like fire works detonating in heaven. But what goes up comes down - the other side to them is demonic.
The sad thing is with them it all stems from abandonment fear due to rejection and abandonment as a child, also they’re often a sort of failed narcissist, which means as a coping mechanism as a child they tried to hide away their true self and protect it with the false self (the beautiful attractive capable persona that is the narcissist), but for whatever reason unlike the “successful” narcissist they don’t have what it takes to pull of the illusion in a semi maintainable way.
The end result is the wildest mood swings you’ve ever seen as their narcissistic defenses fail them, lovebombing that makes you feel like you are a god to women and didn’t even know it. It’s the wildest ride and if being with a borderline. Literal dancing with the devil.
It is dancing with the devil. These people have entity attachments. Learning to scan for people with these attachments will change your life.
I enjoy watching Sam Vaknin videos. Thank you for sharing, I’ve had my experiences with both NPDs and BPDs. It is a crazy dating world out there. Take care.
Still got the bite mark imprint of my ex girlfriend’s teeth just above my lip the first time i was intimate with her in her bed! She went from loving kissing to biting my face like a spiteful toddler in a sand pit without the maturity to control its emotions in an instant. It was to be quite a ride as she would covertly attack me on a couple of other occasions while i was asleep. Unfortunately time reveals character and that is why you don’t commit to a woman (or impregnate) during the euphoric phase. I’d never beg a woman to date or pay for a strange woman’s fine dining as that stuff bores me. I know not all women are like that but a number of women have attacked me,threatened me or abused me through proxy of other men or women. Abuse stems from a need for control over you and is done regardless of your ability to physically strike back. Indeed most of these attacks were done covertly and i was gaslighted by her that it didn’t happen as they were not done when i was fully able to defend myself or were expecting it. When your in the mood to kiss and be loving to someone and you really believe they are too the last thing you expect of them is to curl their lip in spite and start putting their teeth hard into your face. The confusion is horrendous! I’ve been in tonnes of fights, do Judo, followed London football teams in the 80s and seen first hand 3 riots yet nothing could prepare me for that from such a younger sexy woman who seemed soo adult in other areas outside of her own ability to control her emotions.
Hey mate, I've been in a physically abusive relationship with a girl and I see a fair few parallels without what I went through, I'm thinking of making a video talking about it because I feel dv from a males perspective isn't talked about enough
As a 40yo guy I thought there isn't anything new for me to learn on this subject. Thanks for proving me wrong.
Sounds like a real nightmare.
Full marks to you for handling it in such a considerate manner.
Hey mate, thanks for this video. I'm now in my 50s and this video helped me to finally realise that I was in a DV situation when I was in my mid-20s. I got out of it by leaving the country (I was on a working holiday in the UK) so that I couldn't be manipulated by the tears and lies. But I never really thought about it as being domestic violence, even though she did physically assault me a couple of times. it was mostly just the threat of (and actual) self harm. She'd had a pretty sad life and I could see she was a genuinely good-hearted person, but she was just too damaged for me to handle at that point in my life. I always blamed myself for not being 100% committed to her which was in part down to her own behaviour and circumstances, and I also cared for her and wanted to help her. Anyways, thanks for sharing this, it helped me put a trauma from long ago into perspective and appreciate that I was actually not the one at fault.
That is great to hear that the video helped someone a little. It is all I hoped for. Take care.
Fair play mate owning up to all that.
Top class.
(been there too)
You are obviously such a good man. So glad you found someone who is healthy and makes you happy!
@@amylloyd6750 Thankyou!!
A great video as usual. Tbh you are the type of gent I could listen to describe how paint dries and it would still be engaging and interesting 😉😎
I appreciate that!
Luckily never experienced violence within a relationship either given or received but toxic relationships are very common and can actually feel like a safe place while also making you crazy. Another great video - good to hear from a sensible male - the youth need role models like you.
I’m so glad to be sat here at age 25 fully wised up, having a similar stories like this and a few exes firmly in my past. Unfortunately, too many men almost double my age still head out into the dating game with the wrong mentality of what you can be up against especially when it comes to cluster B personality disorders and how to effectively deal with it… in short…never date single mothers
The sunk cost fallacy has caused many people to stay in relationships which aren't going to work. Thanks for sharing your experience mate.
Another Good and Interesting Video. Yes I've been in abusive, controlling relationships and you really can't change anyone, even if you think you can. When they won't admit to anything they've said or done and they will not even look at themselves it's hopeless. The best thing you can do for yourself is leave and don't ever go back to them.
Been in somewhat of the same situation with people laughing off what I was going through. Great to hear from someone who has gone through the same thing.
It takes courage to talk about such a hard personal experience. Thanx for this. You are a real man.
I appreciate that.
Your story reminds me of a past relationship. Got out finally as I realised it was impossible to go on. Not an easy decision after years together. I used the phone technique too which really helped. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for sharing,
A lot of personal stuff in here, but clearly a lot of maturity and experience from the way you talk.
Halfway in and I am absolutely riveted to this video. It’s reminding me of several situations that I have been in in my life. I’m incredibly happily married now for the last eight years. As a youngun I was a bit of a man slag but got married the first time at 27. I was divorced at the age of 40 met my current wife at the age of 45. But would you believe the most turbulent relationships I were had in that period of five years. Don’t have to be young to fall for an idiot.
A woman who drinks is an absolute nightmare. But you live and learn.
❤❤❤
Sat with a physically abusive woman and asked her what if it was the guy doing it to you? What place would that guy be if the laws and the society views were framed to believe his gender way more than your gender?
Moral of the story: She cried and she kept doing what she did, it only stopped when the guy removed himself from the relationship.
I got one of the funniest domestic violence stories ever! I was charged with domestic violence, simply assault with chocolate pudding against my little sister when we were in high school.🤣
Came by my moms n we started arguing about what food I could or couldn’t eat because I didn’t live there. I was holding a pack of Swiss miss pudding above her head saying nana Nana boo-boo. She scratched the shit out of the inside of my arm, so I squeezed the pack of pudding and popped it. Cops hated me then because they couldn’t catch me doing anything they wanted to catch me doing so they ran with that. The way the law works in Jersey if cops show up and see any signs of assault they have to press charges, regardless of what the victim wants.
This happened to me… in fact it’s still going on. My soon to be ex wife was abusive towards me initially life was great but like you say it’s a very slow burn that you do not notice. Then the abuse starts first emotional, then verbal and finally physical. She then called the police and accused me of abuse towards her. I’ve never touched her only restrained her when she was attacking me. Police bought her sob story and I’m now facing a crown court trial for something I didn’t do. I’ve lost everything and being stopped from seeing my daughter. The problem is that the woman is always seen to be the victim. I’m hearing more and more stories of men being falsely accused of things they didn’t do. Thank you thank you for speaking about this
Glad you're finally getting away mate, hope things improve for you going forward.
Really courageous of you to share such a personal story and I have no doubt that you will have helped many in doing so. I can relate a lot to many of the experiences in your story. I too learned the hard and painful way that you absolutely cannot help or change someone who doesn’t have the courage to realise that they are the problem. In your case (and in my own), it sounds like your ex has very serious mental health problems. My ex (wife) was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and I believe a lot of these types of extremely destructive relationships are usually linked to either BPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or a mixture of both. Sadly, with the state of society and the exponential rise in mental health challenges, these stories are only going to become more familiar.
Thanks again for your admirable honesty and I wish you peace and happiness with your deserving partner.
I think the only time it's amusing when women beat men, is when the men are absolute garbage theirselves to begin with and have somehow avoided a kicking elsewhere. A maths teacher I had in high school who was fond of slapping the kids about got his face turned to raw meat by his wife one night in a drunken argument (we never saw this but was told by our infamously loose-lipped, no F-s given science teacher; shoutout Mr Bhambra!) and found this hilarious, given the circumstances.
Great video again man, love that you have the mettle to talk about these more difficult topics with nuance and intelligence!
Wow, glad you came out of that relationship and the subsequent drama unharmed. Congrats on being in a happy relationship. 😊Many women fall into that mindset of "maybe I can help my partner get better". Very rarely does that work. I once fell into a relationship like that and it didn't work out. As you stated, these mistakes sometimes happen when we're young and inexperienced. ✌❤
Brave of you to relate your story. But you are a strong and brav person. Thank you.
fascinating story, thanks for sharing, i think you could wrote a book with this and all your other stories rolled into one
Many of us been there. Everyone assumes its our fault. Ten years with a child, loved her to the end. Shed been abused as a child. Developed multiple personalities. Finally killed herself. I was young too. You did great, well done
Thanks for sharing this story and the message that comes with it, it could help a lot of people.
I've been in 2 very similar relationships, with very similar experiences. And much like you I walked away from that type of relationship and found the amazing woman I'm with now.
Hopefully this can inspire more men to leave toxic relationships and realise that a better life is out there waiting
Always great videos here. Love the insight
You seem to be a very nice person. Really honest and down to earth.
Thanks!
Thank you for these stories. Really appreciate these bits of wisdom and life experience.
Been through this destroy s your heart ❤️ if you love them
❤❤❤
I can relate to that. Until some years ago my girlfriend drank a lot, about a bottle of white wine a day, until she had to stop drinking because of medical issues. But I have been in situations like you were in. I used to call her daughter who was the only person she would listen to. Or I left the house and went to my parents.
I have a similar but slightly different story to you I met her when I was in my late 20s she was early 30s. At that point in time, I was at a pretty low point due to deteriorating eyesight.. we lived about 40 miles apart so at first was just casual we would meet up every few days and have a laugh which was probably what I needed at the time.
She was very bright and came across as being refined. I first saw the other side to her about a year in we were sat in her car and had a small disagreement. She then went very quiet. The next minute she stabbed me in the arm with the car cigarette lighter and attacked me with a can of deicer spray Then she carried on as if nothing had happened.
This sort of set the tone she would be completely normal and then it was like someone had flicked a switch she would have explosive outbursts of violence then she would act as if nothing had happened it was my fault for upsetting her.
I won’t go into details too much, but on a couple of occasions, there were credible attempts to do me serious harm, I would never hit a girl but I did have to try and restrain her from attacking me if I hadn’t I wouldn’t be writing this now.
At this point, I thought it advisable to end the relationship which led to a few months of unpleasantness first there was a manipulation to try and get me back under her control then the threats to kill any new partner if I moved on hoax phone calls pizzas to the house rumours spread etc.
I can only think the reason for her behaviour was due to some psychological disorder or due to abuse in her past she never talked about her family or childhood i genuinely hope she has sorted her issues out and is living a nice fulfilling life.
A lot of guys, I’ve told this too have just laughed but unless you’ve experienced that you will never really understand it.
Ahh, Crazy girlfriend stories! Man, I've been there! I learned (after the first one) there is no winning if you are the guy in these situations. The second crazy girlfriend only cooked off once and that was the end of the relationship. According to studies men suffer from domestic violence just as much as women do. I found that it's best to act like a tree in a crowded forest and go "no contact" with these crazy ladies. I demand peace in my personal life and won't settle for anything less. Great subject, great video.
These videos are quickly becoming my new favourites on UA-cam
"...(ex) trying to intimidate her (current), but she was in fact particularly drunk, and not particularly intimidating.." 😂🤣 almost spat out the water because that was funny af.
With a woman who is a hot mess, you can have these really horrible situations. But when she comes back begging the next day, the making up that follows can be the best experience ever.
What do you mean
@@garvey2510they’re talking about trauma bonding and makeup sx. It’s not worth it.
@@andreahighsides7756 sometimes it's what keeps these terrible relationships going. Anyone in this situation has to break the cycle and walk away. As an adult it's your responsibility.
Simp. THOT BE GONE!
Nice shirt, can you tell me where you bought it from? Great vidz.
Sure it is from www.fjallraven.com/uk/en-gb/
A fellow adoptee here too - raised by wonderful parents. I dated this girl many years ago - often did modelling - which included modelling saucy lingerie at nightclub events - and I was fine with that. But if she was working one night and I mentioned that I thought I might go out to a bar where fellow door staff mates were working, she’d hit the roof and say “What about if people see you without me. They’ll think you’re out trying to get laid” - lol - never mind the fact she was on runways in a bra and g-string being oggled by loads of drunk guys. She was a glamour and the sex was great, but had to eventually ditch her and her weird attitudes and mood swings 😵💫
Sounds a bit similar to a girl I knew in my late teens. Very jealous (we had a shouting match about me talking to a female classmate on the bus. Just talking about school stuff.)
Pretty frequent cheating accusations (I wish I had that much game) and arguing over stuff she did but banned me to do because apparently that would be cheating.
Ignoring messages whilst insisting I’d answer on the spot anytime she’d text me.
Pretty bad moodswings too.
@@reedy_9619 I had one like that - anytime a female friend called up I got grilled about it - the insecurity drove me nuts and pissed off many of my female friends - so that ended after about 4 or 5 months
Another factor is you've got to be careful even setting limits with crazy women.
In the UK we have a new-ish piece of legislation called Controlling and Coercive Behaviour.
If you set limits with a woman and she goes to the police they will consider your actions to be "controlling" and "coercive".
This behaviour is not unique to British women any nationality of woman can deal in such treachery. The UK really is a dystopian nightmare right now. My ancestors would be turning in their graves at what the police and legal system has become.
The UK was once a great country. That time is gone and has been for some time.
Police don't deal with real crime, but they do help in destroying families.
If you want my advice find yourself a competent divorce lawyer who knows how to be a bastard.
If you don't like him he's probably the one you want.
Great video and life advice, thank you.
I've been falsely accused twice. 99% of the time, the police believe the woman automatically, especially if she's attractive. I had an experience very similar to yours. She started strangling me. Fortunately, she wasn't very strong, so I just flexed my neck, and most importantly, kept my hands at my sides. I took my phone out of my pocket, dialed the police, and said "Leave, or I press 'send'. I ended up pressing 'send. When the police got there, I was calm. This is the most important thing. People will try to get you riled up, like the police did in your case. They questioned both of us, and sure enough, she said I beat her. The police then brought us together and said to her " Where are your defensive wounds? For that matter, where are your wounds at all? There's not a mark on you. Then he turned to me and said "But this guy has some pretty nasty red marks around his neck. Do you want to tell me about that"? I was lucky. They told her to leave and she did. Your advice is spot on - ALWAYS remain calm no matter who tries to bait you into becoming agitated. That's what saved me. But even then, things could have very easily gone the other way.
Poor kids. Kids cannot walk away and that's the worst.
I had a similar experience with my ex. She would get extremely drunk and not want to leave a bar and when we did, she would take it out on me. One time when drunk, she bit part of my ear off. I knew that she had already done that with her ex before me . A couple of years later she attacked me again and called the police. When they arrived, she tried to pin it on me. I told them of that experience and of her ex's. They could see from my ear I was telling the truth and she got arrested. Of course we're divorced now.
Knocking on the door of a violent persons house asking to have a word with them for whatever reason takes balls of steel. How do you get the confidence to do that.
By being desensitized to violent behaviour and capable of applying violence yourself.
I get the idea that domestic violence and cheating are basically two sides of teh same coin. Not everybody who cheats is violent to their partner, but everybody who is violent to their partner cheats on them.
Haven't really had a DV experience but have been put through the wringer like you emotionally.
It's not fun.
Eris Pizzey who started some of the first DV shelters for women in the UK quickly found out that most of the women there were actually doing 2 way DV where both the man and the woman were both beating each other up equally.
Since then the research now shows that DV rates are pretty much on parity with both male and female perpetrators, There are slightly more male perpetrators but not by much, it's a narrow margin.
I also suspect that there is a reporting bias in favor of men not saying anything about being a victim of domestic violence so I just assume that both sexes are on parity in terms of who is doing the domestic violence.
Women will also use the state to do their violence for them as well which doesn't get recorded as DV.
Erin Pizzey is also the ex-mother-in-law of Culture Club bassist, Mikey Craig.
Yes that's true.
Although the results of violence against women can be far more deadly.
Obviously because of the strength differences involved.
Women also use other men to commit violence against you.
If I recall correctly she was despised by feminists because she was disproving a lot of their theories.
Which is a shame, because figuring out the root causes of something is half the problem.
I watch a lot of police bodycam stuff, it's my secret slop habit.
The amount of times women, who are guilty of DV, are shocked at being arrested is amazing.
@@simhthmss Erin Pizzey's refuges were set up to give women and children a place to go to escape DV. The problem was (maybe still is) that women find it harder to leave. It's not simply a case of who starts it, because the children see all of it, and they need a break too. Most cases never went to court in the 70s. That came later when Social Services were more involved with investigating which parents were failing to protect the children. That's not always the parent who's throwing their weight about - is it?
@@HouseholdDog I don't buy that the results of DV from male perps is more dangerous.
All a woman has to do to be deadly is pick up a weapon and houses are full of such things. Kitchen implements etc.
Also it has been found that women who want to delete someone will use poison or will hire a hit man rather than do it themselves.
I forget the name of the researcher I was referring to in my original post, she did her post graduate in criminology to focus on this issue. I will post her name when I remember it so people can go find this stuff for themselves.
Even this researcher had a lot of difficulty because the feminist organisations don't seem to be able to grasp the idea that looking at men's issues does not detract from or minimise the DV that women experience. The ideology that helping one sex detracts from the other is present in a lot of academia unfortunately.
Dr Warren Farrel found this out as well when he started writing on men's issues after having been a feminist to start with.
Document (in writing) everything an abuser does to you. If it ever goes to court you can’t rely on memory. If abuse starts get the police involved right away. Be the first to report or you are working from a position of defense.
The double standard is disgusting. If a man has been doing those things instead of your ex girlfriend, everyone and their dog would have put you in prison or punished you in whatever way they could. Yet here she could get the police against you!
Another silver bullet that any woman can use any time she’s disgruntled against any man is a sexual assault or harassment charge. This will ruin his life, and has no risk for her. No proof required.
There are no comparable weapons for men. Men have no such power. This is horrible and needs to be changed now!
The more research I do and life experience I get, the more I realize that it seems to have always been this way throughout history - women have the majority of power. Doesn’t matter if it’s used proxy or otherwise. And ironically they claimed the opposite as a cover!
There’s an interesting book called “the myth of male power” by Dr. Warren Farrell.
Thanks for sharing
My brother in law was a victim of domestic violence. He’s 6’3, but a lovely man and would never raise his hand to a woman. His ex bet him up bad. Horrible woman.
A friend of mine entered this toxic relationship when younger. There was a lot of arguing and she was also a bit physical I believe. One day he just snapped. "You are not normal! You really got some mental issues! She refused and went and got a paper. It was from a psycologist stating that she had benefitted well from the treatment and that no more treatments seemed necessary.
That was the drop that made it flow over. My friend moved out.
When like me 6-3 18 stone people laugh at it when you say they are violent
How did I know before I hit the play button, this would involve alcohol?
I can relate to this. The crying, the false accusations, the throwing of tantrums, threats to commit suicide, smashing up the house etc. To be fair though, she could be a bitch sometimes as well.
Yep.... 100% my responsibility though.... I made a few really bad choices in choosing a few people.... And you know what.... If I'm honest I kind of knew it at the time..... Anyway that which doesn't kill you etc etc.... Agree with every word you say though.... Hopefully I'm no longer a phycho magnet but I definitely was for a long time.
Those instincts should be listened to, but here's the thing... we're told since we are schoolchildren to "be forgiving", "give people the benefit of the doubt" and to "nor be judgmental" etc, and have this HAMMERED into our brains by institutions for years.
So it's not surprising that, on top of being too young and inexperienced to know better anyway, we listen to the "learned ones" who told us ignore these instincts and end up in this kind of trouble haha.
I had an ex got very drunk again and wouldn't stop punching me. I warned her to stop or I would retaliate/defend myself. By around the 5-6th punch she got a "restrained" punch to the sternum. I spent the night in a cell for that one despite her telling the police what happened. To add insult to injury, I had to go pick her teenage daughter and girlfriend up from an alcohol fueled incident and when driving her back trying to find out what happened, she got angry and punched me in the face while driving. In hindsight, both incidents could have been de-escalated but I needed therapy to find that out as explained below.
This is for any bloke growing up with alcohol/drugs/violence in the house. My mum was sexually abused by her father and drank until blacking out. Violence was her way of dealing with anything she didn't like including using knives. It taught me to do much the same so when I was around 14 and did something she didn't like she tried to beat me with a stick instead I put her in hospital and got thrown out the house forever. I became "An Adult Child Of An Alcoholic". Lots of books on it, go read them if this is you.
It made me very black and white, logical, no empathy, bit if a "come to the rescue", emotionally attaches reluctantly and detaches readily, hyper vigilant and many more. These qualities made me an excellent warrior but not great partner/dad. I was excellent at providing and protecting but rubbish at listening and empathising.
Unfortunately, I developed a "Terminator". The protection mechanism that kicks in when under threat. If you deny the problem then the problem does not exist e.g. being hyper vigilant is a good thing. Actually no, making everyone move so you can have the seat facing the door makes you an arse and puts everyone on edge. Always answering the door with a rounders bat in your hand is just being prepared. Actually no, it leaves you one hand to accept the Amazon parcel.
Fortunately a holiday incident involving my Mother In Law on holiday recreated the moment my own mother attacked me as a child and it emotionally put me on my arse for nearly a month and my relationship with my partner broke down. She suggested couples therapy whereby the relationship was sorted in 6 hours but my crap took 57!
It is a really REALLY crappy protection mechanism because it stops you from entertaining the idea you have a problem. Symptoms include frequent arguments whereby your logic cannot be argued against when the issue is an emotional one, constant low level anxiety which you won't know exists because you always had it as a child, not being able to identify a happy place or time, or able to relax and dreams about fighting or escaping and evading.
My advice if you had this upbringing. I am 99% sure you didn't get through this unscathed. Read this amzn.eu/d/23PMBhs or others like it. If you get therapy, go humanistic not CBT (style of counselling) I now very rarely argue, have great dreams, improved/repaired all my relationships and can actually relax.
Good luck to you, feel free to contact me if you want to know more.
Excellent comment man but your link is broken (on my browser at least... "about:blank#blocked" comes up when I click it). Do you have any other links for it?
The story with your ex and the cheating thing and hanging with other guys etc I’ve had that previously- or more of a “I only have guy friends, I don’t get on with women” and then having those guy “friends” stay over drinking all night, during lockdowns for example when we weren’t even allowed out, and then one night when I was over, he was going to come over, then disappeared when he knew I was there- very odd I thought but we’re so conditioned as guys in this day and age that if we feel uncomfortable about it, our gut feeling is wrong and we’re just being “controlling, manipulative and insecure” and made to feel weak and emasculated because how could you feel that way about someone having a guy friend over all night drinking without ever meeting that guy friend 🤔 but also mainly came to say I’ve been through that as probably a lot of naive young guys have of “I can help her, I can fix her” and I came to say, gentlemen, you can’t fix her, you can’t help her and she will normally end up dragging you down with her- you can’t save people and you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped, all you can do is be respectful, wish them well on their life path and go your separate ways, because that is never a way to a positive and healthy relationship, nor is it ever going to resolve itself in a nice neat little bundle.
Never quite got to that point because I was young but to sum it up,
You can’t tell me not to hang around with guys, they’re like brothers I would never.
HOW DARE YOU TALK TO THIS FUCKING SLT YOU CHEATING BASTARD.
I think she was *a bit* insecure..
You handled that well. With that and your security job, you've clearly learnt how to deal with aggressive people. Her later behaviour clearly fits the definition of harassment, which is a criminal offence the police have to act upon if reported. Though doing so may have led to her making counter allegations.
It was reported. They callec on her once. She didnt open the door so they said there was nothing else they could do!
@@thatgearguy If it was the other way round you'd have been banged up and the key thrown away.
It sounds to me like the police just couldnt be bothered. Listening to her side would have opened up a huge can of worms for them and required a bit of investigation (work). They just wanted to get back to the car park at mccy ds for the last half hour of their shift. I've always respected the police but I became disillusioned with them when similar things happened to me a couple of times. In this regard they can quite deservedly be labelled as corrupt.
Very common phenomenon in Thailand.
Why is that?
Yep, young and stupid 40 years ago. Now just stupid. At first, things were great but gradually I succumbed to the sunk cost fallacy and as a result endured frequent narcissistic rages that would sometimes result in violence against me. Much gaslighting and other psychological manipulation until four years into retirement, after 35 years together, it became apparent to me that things were NEVER going to get better. At that point I called a halt as I could see clearly that any sunk cost was massively outweighed by what was to come should I have stayed. Best days work I EVER did leaving that woman.
I don't expect others to, but I completely understand why I didn't leave sooner.
we arent allowed to talk about this because it is always the man that starts it all...didnt you know?
What? Would you like to come in and wait for him? Here’s another rule - You don’t go inside your friend’s house if you aren’t there. The wife says no he’s not home and you leave.
Wtf? The wife is not even supposed ask that question/give that option if her husband is not home. Sorry but that’s how it is in India. Both for men and women. Same rule. No woman enters another woman’s home if only the husband is home at the time
Thank you for sharing this experience 👍🏽🙏🏼 this is necessary. We don’t fully understand the only reason women don’t hurt men is because men choose weaker women… if men chose equally stronger partners or partners stronger than them then there would be no difference in these instances.
This and many other Scottish traditions are dying out ...😂
A pretty harrowing story.
Unfortunately some woman need a good reliable man to help guide them though their
on going problems.
The police would side with the woman every time.
I have a friend that actually went to prison because of the lies his partner told.
They believed ever thing she said and dismissed every thing he said.
Now you know why she was a single Mother.
23:32 this has become quite harrowing at this stage. What a nightmare for you and your new lady. May I ask how old you were at the time? I’m guessing early to mid 20s. And it’s testament to the lady you are with now that she stuck through this with you and she is still with you to this date. It’s also testament to you. I like to think I’m a good judge of character and you come across as a pretty stand-up guy. Apart from the Oud of course. (Sorry but I’m never gonna let that go 😊)
Ha the Oud!! I was early 30s. Thanks bud.
Wow, listening to this felt familiar! I went out with one of these women. Compulsive liar, social media obsessed gaslighting alcoholic. At the time I was into the American TV show Mad Men and had made myself a little bar area with a collection of premium spirits for making cocktails. When I started going out with this crazy girl I would leave her in bed whilst I got up and went to work (she was unemployed quelle surprise). When I got back after working all day she would be absolutely shitfaced. Eyes rolling around in her head, slurring her speech etc. Thing is, she completely denied being drunk or that she had been drinking and even accused me of being drunk myself for even mentioning it. (I'd been at work all day!). She didn't smell of booze either so I thought I was going crazy. It was only months later after I'd got rid of her and I had some friends round for cocktails that I realised all my spirit bottles were full of water and tea. :)
Sorry, I just laughed at the end bit. I know I shouldn't have. But I did.
Thanks for removing my message i can only assume that it reminds men that if you don't see the warnings at first its terrible to see them later when your older.
I haven't removed it. UA-cam removes any it deems to breach guidelines so that is possible. Sometimes it even removes messages because the filter software misunderstands words/slang.
Do you know what her diagnosis was. She clearly had some mental illness caused from prior trauma. Needed a dual diagnosis worker to treat her, one that can give counselling on the alcohol abuse and also treat her for the mental illness. It's a learning experience, one that will help you to recognise when your falling into bad habits, and replace them with good habits.
I later heard she was bi-polar. Apparently infidelity is very common as is substance abuse for that diagnosis.
@@thatgearguy yeah I am bipolar. When your down you want to be up, and substances help for a time, then lose effectiveness, so you do more, but it doesn't help. Then when you are up, you can not sleep for days, which isn't good either. In the end it's really better habits that keep your level, not bad habits
The police have to deal with similar situations many times a year. They will make a judgement based upon previous experience. The police are allowed to intimidate and mislead to get a response from you. The best response is to appear calm and rational. Sit down if you can and simply describe the steps that lead to the police attending the scene. The police are more likely to believe a coherent story of events than someone who throws allegations around in a random order. This sounds tedious but remember that the police have the tedious task of completing the paperwork to describe the events that resulted in them taking action. Do not involve children unnecessarily. Once children or vulnerable people are included in events, the attention to the case jumps to a much higher level of scrutiny. I was once in jury for a case where the wife alleged that the husband had assaulted their daughter with a tea cup. Not a thrown tea cup either. The wife was looking for any reason for the husband to be charged.
“Simply explain the steps that lead to the scene”
A traumatic incident such as this will have a detrimental effect on the person at the receiving end. Police are trained to consider this, and on the flip side someone recounting a calm, collected recollection of events may well be the sign of a more calculated abuser.
The fact that police have to deal with paperwork is immaterial. It is part of the job they signed up for and they are made well aware of this from the start of their training.
As for a police officer being “allowed to intimidate and mislead” such tactics can just as easily backfire very badly.
If they're allowed to mislead and intimidate you to get responses, then the responses should count for NOTHING.
How on EARTH do they expect to get to the truth with such tactics? It's infantile and ree-tar-dead.
Covert narcissist
All _men_ are.
@@seancidy6008indeed, abusive women are men. Somehow.
Who are you accusing of being a narcissist?
@@seancidy6008🤡
@@seancidy6008your gey
What happened to her kids?
They were eventually driven against me. I saw the lad for a while but had to stop as he would go back and report on my movements to her. This inflamed her craziness.
@@thatgearguy very typical break up/divorce scenario, unfortunately. I'm sorry to hear that.
🧐
Most likely your ex is dead, probably from liver cirrhosis or a drug OD or suicide attempt that nobody bothered to respond to. Otherwise she would have tracked you down by now.
Well done to the police for not being the children into it.
Yes listening to the truth from two children who needed help would be a terrible idea.
It sounds to me that the children were abuse victims as much as TGG was. Police are fkg imbeciles.