One key aspect about commitment that I feel was missed in this video is the fear of broken trust. A lot of FAs have a core wound around broken trust & being betrayed, which is a key factor in why many FA’s subconsciously fear commitment.
I was never betrayed on a huge level in my childhood, atleast I can't remember. However my first ever relationship with a girl with really heavy feelings involved,She cheated on me with one of my friends. Could that also have created a trauma that I don't want to experience something like this ever again? This event made me feel very very worthless, it dragged me down to a degree that I even quit my job at that time.
This is SO helpful to reflect on and talk about because normally none of this is verbalised. I absolutely have the fear of disappointing the person I date - fear that I can't love them in the way I'd like to/they'd expect me to (ie being in love with them), and guilt of not being in love with them. Fear of meeting their friends and family, being judged on my looks, job, personality, hostessing skills. Fear of having to spend time with their loud, extrovert family members when I just want to have a cosy life in the country in a cottage with a lovely man, a garden, animals and a small group of local friends and family. Fear of my feelings changing about him and subsequent guilt. So far anyway I've only ever found a) men who are physically attractive with bad personalities b) good men who are physically unattractive to me so I've never fallen in love with any of my exes so I never wanted to stay with any of them.
I dont think I struggle with the topics in this video, my fear of commitment is fearring choosing the wrong person/wondering if theres someone who's a better match out there, or fearing the relationship turning sour in the years to come becaus they're not the right match.
Thank you Paulien for sharing this video with us. I struggle with basically everything you mentioned and the fact that you say “it’s normal to hurt others” “you’re not responsible for others’ emotions” and so much more, I feel freedom. I’m excited to continue on in my healing journey and to be with someone who can work with my insecure attachment
No, it's not normal to hurt people. And if you use someone and make them feel awful because of your attachment it is your responsibility to at least apologize
Hurting others is inevitable in life, especially when it’s unintentional. Not saying apologies aren’t in the picture. Learning this as a recovering people pleaser.
Paulien, your beautiful channel qnd soul has helped me in ways you will never know. A whole channel dedicated to such an overlooked attachment style has been an incredible blessing in my life. Please continue to do the amazing work that you do in your life and know that you are reaching people and helping people and healing people. Again, thank you. Also, would you mind discussing what it is like during the "talking stage" as a FA? I find so many mixed and confusing emotions around this unofficial relationship.
I want a connection with someone deeply! But I’m so terrified of recreating the enmeshed relationship I had with my parents that I rarely try and run away as soon as something intimate starts to form. It deeply saddens me.
Thank you Paulien, spot on, very helpful!! This is one of my biggest fears... fear of commitment! I'm in online dating world, lol.. many guys want to move fast emotionally, attach to me very quickly... I feel like I'm suffocating and many times abruptly end contact.. then I feel much relief... I have a big fear of spending to much time with the wrong, incompatible person... at this point in life I dont have chunks of time to be in a exclusive relationship then find out they weren't the right one for me... trying to "screen" people better for compatibility early on... makes me feel much better!! Thank you again! Xoxo
@D D I really relate to this from the other side and it’s one of my biggest fears to be causing these feelings for the person I’m talking to in any context. It sounds exhausting and distressing having to deal with this and I’m so sorry. After I’ve pulled away from people just in case or assumed this is how they probably felt, most people I’ve talked to later had wished I’d said something at the time instead of doing that. I know it sounds terrifying but maybe if it feels possible and safe to you, saying you’re feeling suffocated or that it is all too much could be a way of respecting your boundaries and improving everything. It’s not on you alone to do this at all, it’s all about only how you feel, it’s just something I’m trying to work on as well
Your videos are so so great! What an amazing help you are to us FAs . One time in my favorite video so far I’m how to surrender in love, you mentioned we could request if we wanted a video about FAs need to control, why we want it so badly, how we attempt control, and how to look at the uncertainty in relationships in a way that doesn’t scare us
Love your channel! Especially about your personal struggles and how you grew out of them ❤️ may I suggest not only reasons but some "how-to" to approach them based on your previous experience? Would be super interesting and insightful! Thank you for reading 😊
How do I communicate these fears to my FA ex? Even we don’t get back together, i want him to be happy and have a better understanding of his fears. All of these sounded like things I noticed about him. He pushed me away off and on.
Hi Pauline, thank you very much for the video, but I have to ask you a question. You say that we don't have to hide anything in a relationship, that we can show both the good and the bad sides. But what if your bad sides are: getting angry, being unreasonable, projecting things on others, expecting things from others, being overly critical etc.? What if your bad sides are the toxic ways of relating that you incorporated in childhood because of your parents emotional and physical abuse? Wouldn't it be better to restrain these destructive traits? Showing these things/acting this way is not loving towards the other person. But perhaps I misunderstand what you mean?
This is SUCH a good question! I think it is the difference between the bad side meaning the things we hide, we are insecure about, feel vulnerable about, are afraid will be rejected versus destructive behavior. Ofcourse we want and should take responsibility for our behavior, and do our very best to create a healthy relationship.
hello Paulien! love your content and as a FA working towards being SA I find it very useful but I'd be careful when talking about not having to meet expectations in relationships. I dated FA and DA in the past, they used this narrative to tell me that they were entitled not to message me back for weeks, not to be honest and not to be loyal. I used to say that I expected some basic things as we were dating but they used to reply along the lines that my expectations were only mine. I imagine if they watched this video they would somehow feel that their behaviour was correct, but I think it wasn't. ❤️
I’m married to a FA. Just found out 6 months ago that he frequently cheated on me. And when we tried to talk it through, he said he does that whenever he feels stressed. What do you think of this? Can this ever be changed? Should I give up on trying?
When there is kids in the picture you should do everything in your power to not destroy the family = the future of your children. The time to be selfish is over when you and your partner generate a new life.
I disagree with your thoughts about expectations. I think there should be healthy expectations in a relationship. I had a relationship with a fearful avoidant and I got the bare minimum in many cases, I had to beg for sex because she shut down, I begged for moving together (which of course did not happen), I begged for constant communication (She just completely ignored me many times), I begged for empathy and compassion. You should have basic expectations in a relationship, so it is a little bit misleading for those unhealed FA's to hear that where expectations surface is an unhealthy environment, or partner or friend whatever. And of course I'm talking about healthy expectations.
Ah maybe it wasn't clear in the video, but healthy expectations are of course a part of a healthy relationship, although I would rather speak of needs. Because it is part of a relationship to figure out together how to meet as much of both of your needs as possible. But this gives more of a feeling of space and different ways those needs can be met. With expectations it can feel like you HAVE to meet them, in only one way. And that is not healthy. From that place, even healthy expectations can become unhealthy, because they become demanding. It's always figuring things out together.
One key aspect about commitment that I feel was missed in this video is the fear of broken trust. A lot of FAs have a core wound around broken trust & being betrayed, which is a key factor in why many FA’s subconsciously fear commitment.
Yes, good add!
I was never betrayed on a huge level in my childhood, atleast I can't remember. However my first ever relationship with a girl with really heavy feelings involved,She cheated on me with one of my friends. Could that also have created a trauma that I don't want to experience something like this ever again? This event made me feel very very worthless, it dragged me down to a degree that I even quit my job at that time.
Wow, all of this I resonate with, thank you for sharing this.
This is the key to giving yourself a change to change for the better, scary as hell, but the rewards are so much
This is SO helpful to reflect on and talk about because normally none of this is verbalised. I absolutely have the fear of disappointing the person I date - fear that I can't love them in the way I'd like to/they'd expect me to (ie being in love with them), and guilt of not being in love with them. Fear of meeting their friends and family, being judged on my looks, job, personality, hostessing skills. Fear of having to spend time with their loud, extrovert family members when I just want to have a cosy life in the country in a cottage with a lovely man, a garden, animals and a small group of local friends and family. Fear of my feelings changing about him and subsequent guilt. So far anyway I've only ever found a) men who are physically attractive with bad personalities b) good men who are physically unattractive to me so I've never fallen in love with any of my exes so I never wanted to stay with any of them.
Yes, the pressure to appear perfect, meet expectations and take responsibility for other peoples feelings is very debilitating.
I dont think I struggle with the topics in this video, my fear of commitment is fearring choosing the wrong person/wondering if theres someone who's a better match out there, or fearing the relationship turning sour in the years to come becaus they're not the right match.
Thank you Paulien for sharing this video with us. I struggle with basically everything you mentioned and the fact that you say “it’s normal to hurt others” “you’re not responsible for others’ emotions” and so much more, I feel freedom. I’m excited to continue on in my healing journey and to be with someone who can work with my insecure attachment
No, it's not normal to hurt people. And if you use someone and make them feel awful because of your attachment it is your responsibility to at least apologize
Hurting others is inevitable in life, especially when it’s unintentional. Not saying apologies aren’t in the picture. Learning this as a recovering people pleaser.
Paulien, your beautiful channel qnd soul has helped me in ways you will never know. A whole channel dedicated to such an overlooked attachment style has been an incredible blessing in my life. Please continue to do the amazing work that you do in your life and know that you are reaching people and helping people and healing people. Again, thank you.
Also, would you mind discussing what it is like during the "talking stage" as a FA? I find so many mixed and confusing emotions around this unofficial relationship.
I want a connection with someone deeply! But I’m so terrified of recreating the enmeshed relationship I had with my parents that I rarely try and run away as soon as something intimate starts to form. It deeply saddens me.
I ended up taking notes about every point you make just to read later and remember them. Thank you
Thank you for your kind words, especially at the end.
So gooood! Such a clear expression of what is going on with a FA type of protection...So helpful and inspiring to hear all this🙏🙏
Thank you Paulien, spot on, very helpful!! This is one of my biggest fears... fear of commitment! I'm in online dating world, lol.. many guys want to move fast emotionally, attach to me very quickly... I feel like I'm suffocating and many times abruptly end contact.. then I feel much relief... I have a big fear of spending to much time with the wrong, incompatible person... at this point in life I dont have chunks of time to be in a exclusive relationship then find out they weren't the right one for me... trying to "screen" people better for compatibility early on... makes me feel much better!! Thank you again! Xoxo
I would also look into ROCD (Relationship OCD).
@D D I really relate to this from the other side and it’s one of my biggest fears to be causing these feelings for the person I’m talking to in any context. It sounds exhausting and distressing having to deal with this and I’m so sorry.
After I’ve pulled away from people just in case or assumed this is how they probably felt, most people I’ve talked to later had wished I’d said something at the time instead of doing that. I know it sounds terrifying but maybe if it feels possible and safe to you, saying you’re feeling suffocated or that it is all too much could be a way of respecting your boundaries and improving everything. It’s not on you alone to do this at all, it’s all about only how you feel, it’s just something I’m trying to work on as well
Your videos are so so great! What an amazing help you are to us FAs . One time in my favorite video so far I’m how to surrender in love, you mentioned we could request if we wanted a video about FAs need to control, why we want it so badly, how we attempt control, and how to look at the uncertainty in relationships in a way that doesn’t scare us
Thank you Paulien
This is amazing Paulien, thankyou!
I needed this. ❤️
Thank you ma
Love your channel! Especially about your personal struggles and how you grew out of them ❤️ may I suggest not only reasons but some "how-to" to approach them based on your previous experience? Would be super interesting and insightful! Thank you for reading 😊
Holy moley.. I was literally JUST thinking this, n not u have a video an hour later.. scary O_o
4th one is my biggest fear
How do I communicate these fears to my FA ex? Even we don’t get back together, i want him to be happy and have a better understanding of his fears. All of these sounded like things I noticed about him. He pushed me away off and on.
This video is about me 🙃
Hi Pauline, thank you very much for the video, but I have to ask you a question. You say that we don't have to hide anything in a relationship, that we can show both the good and the bad sides. But what if your bad sides are: getting angry, being unreasonable, projecting things on others, expecting things from others, being overly critical etc.? What if your bad sides are the toxic ways of relating that you incorporated in childhood because of your parents emotional and physical abuse? Wouldn't it be better to restrain these destructive traits? Showing these things/acting this way is not loving towards the other person.
But perhaps I misunderstand what you mean?
This is SUCH a good question! I think it is the difference between the bad side meaning the things we hide, we are insecure about, feel vulnerable about, are afraid will be rejected versus destructive behavior. Ofcourse we want and should take responsibility for our behavior, and do our very best to create a healthy relationship.
Does your programs works on anxious attachment style?
hello Paulien! love your content and as a FA working towards being SA I find it very useful but I'd be careful when talking about not having to meet expectations in relationships. I dated FA and DA in the past, they used this narrative to tell me that they were entitled not to message me back for weeks, not to be honest and not to be loyal. I used to say that I expected some basic things as we were dating but they used to reply along the lines that my expectations were only mine. I imagine if they watched this video they would somehow feel that their behaviour was correct, but I think it wasn't. ❤️
Really good point Sally! I will take that into account the next time I talk about things like this!
I’m married to a FA. Just found out 6 months ago that he frequently cheated on me. And when we tried to talk it through, he said he does that whenever he feels stressed. What do you think of this? Can this ever be changed? Should I give up on trying?
Were you ever REALLY scared that your healthy partner is the wrong choice and staying one foot in and one foot out of the relationship?
When there is kids in the picture you should do everything in your power to not destroy the family = the future of your children. The time to be selfish is over when you and your partner generate a new life.
I disagree with your thoughts about expectations. I think there should be healthy expectations in a relationship. I had a relationship with a fearful avoidant and I got the bare minimum in many cases, I had to beg for sex because she shut down, I begged for moving together (which of course did not happen), I begged for constant communication (She just completely ignored me many times), I begged for empathy and compassion. You should have basic expectations in a relationship, so it is a little bit misleading for those unhealed FA's to hear that where expectations surface is an unhealthy environment, or partner or friend whatever. And of course I'm talking about healthy expectations.
Ah maybe it wasn't clear in the video, but healthy expectations are of course a part of a healthy relationship, although I would rather speak of needs. Because it is part of a relationship to figure out together how to meet as much of both of your needs as possible. But this gives more of a feeling of space and different ways those needs can be met. With expectations it can feel like you HAVE to meet them, in only one way. And that is not healthy. From that place, even healthy expectations can become unhealthy, because they become demanding. It's always figuring things out together.