Why you want to control your feelings as a fearful avoidant
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- Опубліковано 30 лип 2024
- In this video I’m going to talk about three reasons why you want to control your feelings as a fearful avoidant. Feelings are just such an important topic. As a fearful avoidant you probably think that when you control your feelings or when you just have the feelings that you want tot have, at the intensity and longevity that you want to have them, all will be well and that you will be safe. It is slightly different! I tell you more about it in this video!
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-- CONTENTS --
00:00 Intro
07:09 You tend to put feelings on a pedestal and see them as absolute truth and therefore as a compass
10:24 You probably have a lot of stories, associations and meaning that you attach to those feelings
16:30 You probably never learned to process your feelings
18:57 You probably experienced a form of rejection or abandonment around big feelings
19:40 Feelings were used as manipulation by your parent or caregiver
#fearfulavoidant #healingattachmentstyle #attachmentstyle #healingjourney #feelings #emotions #paulientimmer
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Feelings paralyse me. I grew up with parents who are extremely neglectful and authoritarian and I feel like I can never waste time and I feel like feelings take up time because I end up laying in bed all day dwelling and having panic attacks. But it’s possible that me avoiding them causes them to feel worse
My main problem with emotions is constant anger, with people closest to me. Usually my mother, husband and brother and also often ‘close’ friends. I know it comes from constant emotional neglect as a child, having an angry narcissistic father, brother and dismissive avoidant mother, and very little support outside the family. We had a chaotic home, my parents were very self absorbed and we were expected to carry on without complaint. I am 52 and still feel just a lot of childhood rage at the lack of any sense of control over my life or any respect. My 82 yo mother still talks to me as though I am some type of teenager. My problem is I’m a SAHM to three high needs children and am financially dependent on my husband and my mother who helps out a lot financially. So I don’t feel able to say anything that could jeopardise that financial help because we need it. I regret giving up my job after my 3rd child because I hate feeling so financially dependent. Ironically it was my mother who encouraged me to stop working. Yet she worked all through my childhood. I need to get a job so I feel as though I don’t feel so financially beholden. Those who have money really do have a lot of the power in relationships.
Really really helpful! Since I was never allowed to feel nor touch as a child (it would cause immediate rejection and disgust by the parent) I spent years thinking I finally get to be free to feel my feelings and "listen" to them. But that sent me on a whole new spiral of constantly being confused and questioning purpose. It can be extremely confusing at times.
Paulien, Thank you so much for making this videos. It seems like every video of yours hit the nail on the head for a lot of the issues i have personally. It's such a blessing I found your videos because I feel like I am slowly unravelling the cause of the trauma that I felt and it makes me feel so much better when it comes to handling things. I'm just beginning my healing journey but I hope that like you I'll be completely healed in time, and that I also realize being healed is not about being happy and content all the time, it's about just letting yourself have normal human experiences without condemning yourself or others for it. Thank you.
I'm someone who's been so afraid of being caught or confessing to having a feeling, and I eventually gave some of my feelings different names as a workaround. Somehow it feels easier to say I feel "Violet" (one of my feelings) rather than squirm in my chair and say "um it's like, um, sadness? or like, grief? from the acknowledgement of how beautiful the present moment is and how much of my life I'm not in the present moment?"
And you were spot-on when you said that thing about being afraid of accidentally hurting someone, and would prefer even if it were on purpose because at least you know what you did wrong. That resonates with me - it's scary to think that something about my presence is a problem, and that I may never know it, and keep doing the same thing over and over.
Paulien, this is really a powerful message that we need to allow our feelings to just be instead of trying to control them. If we try to control them we will just get frustrated every time a negative feeling comes our way. To think that no negatives feelings will come is insanity. Learning to accept our feelings but then decipher the message they are trying to send us with our thinking brain instead of our fear brain is the answer. I need to work on this. Thank you for pointing this out. I'm so glad you are so transparent and are sharing your journey with us.
Hi Pauline this is very helpful. I now can understand why my ex hot so hung up and struggle to accept things as they are. He can’t get over the fact that I needed time to get to know him instead jump on the ship and be crazy about each other
As a 36 year old woman, I just realized that I have feelings. All my life I kept my feelings bottled up, suppressed, and dismissed.
I am a fearful avoidant on this journey of healing.
Simply acknowledging and validating your feelings can start the release of built up trauma that was stored.
I'm learning so much and I am beyond grateful to be on this journey for a better healthy life.
Yes, absolutely! Your body knows how to handle feelings and emotions, it is made for it! We just learn to suppress, bottle it up and dismiss. So happy you are here, and so grateful that you are making the choice to be on this journey!
I also think that I was strictly prohibited from being allowed to show anger, as a child.
And other feelings also - sentiment, emotionality of any kind was severely frowned upon. Basically taught too keep everything under wraps.
This was so insightful! Thank you.
Gosh every video you make, you continue to astonish me! Thanks always for sharing and making me feel so seen and known, and for helping me to see myself better💖
Literally every video idea you had in this video (and probably ever) is content I'd love to see, every minute of your talking is so valuable!!🙏😄
omg ben zo blij met jou,, had gisteren en deze ochtend beetje gemende negatieve gevoelens waar ik idd controle over wou hebben, maar nu ik jou video heb bekeken begrijp ik gevoelens beter.. dank je wel het maken van deze video
Could you make a video on how healthy love feels like regarding passion and all the romantic components?
Yes, want to know why feelings are so triggering for FAs
So good, so true Paulien😢
Thank you for being here❤
As usual, this was so relatable and valuable. I have a question though regarding what you said about a parent saying “you’re making me sad.” Is that wrong to do as a parent? I confess that I once said this to my toddler after calling me a name. I did this to teach that words can have an affect on other people and that we shouldn’t call people certain things (I’ve tried explaining many times, but with no effect so I decided to try something new). My toddler said sorry and I said it’s okay, and then I wondered whether I said the right thing. Why is this bad, and what would you suggest a healthy response is?
Please don't think of it in terms of it being bad. Nothing has a guaranteed, definitive effect on children. It depends on the child, the circumstances, so many things. So that being said: what COULD happen if a child hears this (probably on a regular basis), is that they start feeling very responsible for other peoples emotions and feelings. So much so, that they start doing everything to prevent any negative feelings from arising in others. That creates fear for emotions, for upsetting others. Usually, toddlers are just finding a way to communicate something. So what I've learned (because boy, is this whole parenting thing a learning journey, isn't it?) is to ask questions: Wow, you must be really upset, calling me that name. What is going on? After you've listened without judgment and maybe talked about how to fulfill your childs needs, you can state your boundary and say that you don't want to called that, AND you will always be there for them. Does that make sense?
@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 Yes that does make sense. I will try that, thank you so much!
Paulien hello. I have a question: do you feel your work and words apply to Women? Is FA a more feminine issue? What about Men?
I wonder if there's a gender element to this idea of "good vibes only". I'm in my 50s doing online dating, and the women I encounter set standards so high that they can't deal with anything that's "negative"... It seems crazy. Though my question about gender would be, what percentage of women want to feel good 100% of the time vs men? I don't see many men wearing "good vibes only" printed shirt or but print pants of this subject.