I grew up in bars, mainly the order of the eagles, sperm donor was a member, and practically lived there. I often, as a very young child, would have to go in and get him. I had to walk there, and then he would put me in the car and come home, eventually. Sometimes he wouldn't come home, and I walked back, late as hell. So there's that, then I had to raise my mother, myself, and my younger sister. I did a piss poor job, and now re-raising myself. I'm doing a much better job with myself these days. Regardless of my lack of being raised.
"Be selfish and self-obsessed because you don't know how to do that." And this is exactly why no one will ever be allowed to dim my light again. They have no idea what had to be overcome in order to find self-love and no longer abandon my own needs. So call me full of it, self obsessed or too focused on me, it's just a compliment now.
@@kaay.baabii3115e too, i wake up biw in the night. B😂cause a neighbour was angry/ dissapointed to me becaise i had not give him somehting (because i gave to another). Then i feel guilty also because it was new for me i gave no explanation. But now i feel myself like very egoistisch. But deep insite its also the better choice. But van almost not breath becaise i have always respect for older. Bit this what i did today i dont do for beeing a egoist. But i habe to do this so they keep dostance for me. And i attract healthy persons who respect me. Instead of calling me like it was very low from me.I gave it to another. Take care you all
I understand...I feel guilty for anything I do for myself... it's like "buyer's remorse" was always told I was selfish...never the case... I always worked my ass off... especially after I left an abusively toxic marriage over 20yrs...dove into my job taking any & all shifts available... didn't want to think bout nothing but didn't wanna dull pain & hurt in drugs & alcohol...it began to work on me...everyone noticed...BUT ME....SO...one day my bestie called me off work & we went to the Beach...first time ever w/o any responsibility... so at 47 yrs old my friends & bosses HAD to explain that it was okay to call off for a mental day...I am still learning to let go...have fun...breathe...say NO... I don't have the energy to do that today... I'M learning I have to make myself a priority or will get lost mentally & hurt physically...#SELFLOVE❤❤
I am watching this video waiting for my bf to text me back. I think about our relationship incessantly. Any perceived change in behaviour from him makes me furious and I want to end things with him. This really resonated for me. The spotlight analogy is spot on! Who cares what he is doing! I only care what I am doing and if he wants to leave he can leave I cannot control him, his thoughts or actions or whether or not he loves me! I AM A JUICY ORANGE!! Thank you ❤️. Gonna watch this a few times.
I have the exact same..soon as there is a behavior change I freak out.. Even when its a man hitting the gym after never having hit the gym before I panic and its an "alarm sign" in my eyes. Ive been with a narcissist 3 years with sex addiction,gambling addiction and drug addiction and this has send me off the edge. I cried the entire video. And reading your comment made me feel less alone. ❤hope you heal and become your best version
The most crqzy thing about codependency is that not only do we find calm in the chaos, but it subconsciously replaying out childhood trauma. Instead of being the helpless child, we go find the helpless child in adults to fix so they dont feel like us
You nailed it! It explains why I keep wanting to help the helpless, but then I stop myself and say, they’ll learn. It’s not unloving to allow others to learn by themselves. I’ll be there to comfort them, but am done advising others.
is anyone else crying from learning abt urself from this?? this was by far the best description of codependency and insecure attachments that i’ve seen and it genuinely helped me so much
I am a co-dependent, just found this out recently. My co-dependency has ruined what started out as a pretty good & compatible relationship, which is now coming to an end after almost four years. I’m suffering to an extreme degree over this break up. But I do realize now that I was way too focused on him and the relationship. At the beginning I knew who I was & what I liked and disliked, but after four years in this co-dependent relationship with an anxious-avoidant I’ve completely lost sight of who I am. I don’t remember anything about who I was, what I like, I feel like I have no personality anymore.
its so aggravating because i want to get better but its like i cannot form any type of relationship (platonic or romantic) without getting extremely attached. and it feels like the only thing i can do to resolve that is to cut everyone off and not make any new relationships, but then thats just feeding into my avoidant ideations
When she spoke of the physiological changes to your body that come from living for someone other than yourself, it made me think of how I learned that the person you end up with will either add or take away years from your life. Your life span is affected because your health is affected! It’s crazy.
I was with a narcissist for 3 years with multiple addictions,and I felt better when I thought I would be the one to "heal him" .As a result I got physically ill and the doctors cant find anything. Stress kills!
My 8 years with my toxic ex husband. Those 8 years of my life that was in my 20s I can never get it back. Not only toxic ex husband. Toxic bosses too. Thank God that I just got to 40. And still have 1/2 of that I can turn things around! Never again! Not even to my own immediate family!
It’s so true. Think of the best relationships and it’s gentle and restorative and you never get bored or tired because there is not abusive or melodramatic upheaval.. it’s two people who care about one another. Super easy. And when you want to do something different you leave the room and it makes sense and it isn’t some crazy fight or drama either.
As a grateful member of many recovery modalities for 6+ years now, here’s what I’ve learned codependency really is: - inability to self regulate and experience reality moderately - need for 24/7 positive regard - no self esteem (thus we seek esteem in others and substances) - no relationship with something greater than yourself, no real purpose in life The solution is really in keeping complete accountability, leaning into tolerating life on life’s terms over time and attending to your own life. Codependency is addiction to drama and other people, and it will rob you of the most precious resource - TIME. As someone who has now recovered pretty fully from codependency, I can attest that total healing is possible and it’s magnificent!
So glad that you are fully recovered from codependency. Very well done to you. Makes me hopeful and optimistic. I’ll be grateful if you could share your recovery steps and tips. Thank you
2:30 when she says “anxious and avoidant are attracted to each other” I have a mixture of anxious and avoidant attachment style I try to make everyone love me the way I love them and almost expect it back but then when it’s not given back I get scared and withdraw. I was dating someone who was avoidant style and I realised we both kept coming back to each other and it’s because we were attracted in a toxic way! I used to think I was the problem but thank you for making me realise that it was both of us and our attachment styles that made us so incompatible
DEFINITION: "Trying to create a feeling of safety in the world that you don't feel safe in." Related to inability to self-soothe or self-regulate and believing that others are out to hurt you Anxious attachment - People-pleasing, Golden Child Syndrome People who are codependent look for people who they can fix to feel worthy and as a way to convince the other to stay. ACTIONABLE STEPS: - Give up control of the other, let them be who they are. They may not need you. - Practice secure attachment tendencies - Have your own worth/priorities/identity outside of person - Have to take care of the inner child. - Take the spotlight off the other and put it on yourself.
Holy shit, I just realized in HS I would make it my mission to find someone who wasn’t that “cool” and “take them under my wing” and now I realize why I did that wasnt cause I wanted to help them but really I wanted them to tell me how great I was by showing them the way 😂😅 (Internally cringing)
i have borderline personality disorder and this is basically my entire life for as long as i can remember and its taken a lot of therapy to even begin to unlearn these things and heal. I’m still not even halfway there but I’m on my way. Its amazing how messed up you can become after a neglectful childhood.
You are so powerful unlike those "hot girl summer" "baddie" motivational speakers. Your maturity is something that inspires me so so much and I look up to you as my idol. I'm 20 and so glad that I found you this early in life that I can become a great adult now by your advices and kind words. Much love to you.
Your 'speak' is the plainest, clearest, most powerful truth I have heard. Now to find the strength to not just listen, but to believe, to act and to move forward!!(and out of my own prison!) Thank you.
I agree!! I have learned so much from watching various teachers on several issues and she explains things far better than all of the others combine. I am grateful to have found her. good luck on your journey and may you have a life of meaning and happiness.
I grew up with an alcoholic dad and a bipolar mom and my nickname growing up was Mowgli, given by my mom because she joked on how independent I was. I was 2 when I was given the nickname. Now I realize a 2 year old isn’t independent, I was just trying to take care of myself because no one else was.
I came here to learn about this in an effort to help my girlfriend who is going through a divorce of 36 years which was terrible for her. She for certain is co-dependent and even after him cheating, leaving her for her best friend and causing lots of issues with the divorce process, she defends him fully. She just keeps saying, he will take care of me and everything which is wrong as he has told her she won't get anything. He knew she didn't have any money for a lawyer and crazy me helped with that but after paying them he told her it was stupid so she is now considering not using the lawyer. All that said, what I am realizing from watching this is, I actually demonstrate some of these traits in this relationship. I don't recall doing any of these things in previous relationships so seems new to me but for certain I am learning from all this as well. Very good information and appreciate your sharing it. Thank you.
For me, I never had male attention growing up as I went to an all girls school. I grew up watching romantic comedies fantasizing about being the female character and having a guy give me attention. So whenever an attractive guy comes into my life in real life and express interest in me, I get extremely anxious and needy around him. I want him to love me. "Who is he following on IG?" Did he watch my stories?" It's so hard but I'm working on it every day. :(
Your not alone we have all been there! Remember, you must realise you are always worthy whether a man wants you or not! Your already whole and complete ❤
You can’t force anything that is genuine. So be yourself…. Which you may not even know who that is….. and you will attract the right people. People can sense that nervous energy and it repels them
Interestingly women mostly speak of the effect of codependency on relationships... But there is more to it even if you are alone. The absence of a relationship can make you not takle things in your life that are important.
I struggle with this A LOT! I cling to people because i think they give or take my value(based on the situation) and that’s how I become so attached to them and put them on pedestal. Gosh! Thank you Margarita you are helping me more than you can imagine..❤️
When you watch shows like "My 600 pound life", you see these bedridden people being fed to death by their partner. It amazes me how they always have a partner. Often, when they really lose weight and get themselves together, the partner gets really threatened, and often they sabotage the person to keep them under control. Or they leave, feeling threatened because they feel that person no longer depends on or needs them.
Thank you so much for this. A friend and I are being intentional about our inner-child healing journey and we're supporting each other by sharing resources, among other things. She recommended you and I see why.
You have no idea how this hit home. My partner is not an addict but he is immature and self centered so I end up doing everything... Paying the bills, cleaning, working etc. I am the man of the house that makes sure everything is taken care of. And I do find safety in that control but that is not what I need or deserve. I will certainly listen to that book. I need it . ❤
You don’t have a partner. You have a child with similar responsibilities. That man will resent it eventually and will want a woman who he feels he can be an equal to, after you invest 10+ years of your life into. Consider your options.
I needed this so much. I had an abusive distant father and as an adult now I'm a codependent person. I tried to control my partner and became like a parent to them, making them realize what they are doing wrong and how to make things right. My partner felt controlled and left me. I feel super anxious and all alone. I'm so thankful to youtube for suggesting me this video. This no talking phase, him blocking me, has made me realize a lot of things and where I need to correct myself. Please make more videos on codependency like should I see a therapist or how can I actually apply any method/ tips that will help me to shift from being a codependent to a securely attached individual.
For me I’ve been creating safety for myself by regulating my emotions and nervous systems exercises. Acting as if a secure person is a good trick until you are I guess
Yes you have to be there for you. You are a unique person who has qualities and talents that only you have. If you are not respected in one situation, move onto another situation. As one door closes another one opens. Go through the new open door. You never know where life will take you until you open and walk through a new open door. Live your own life, not the life that others want you to live. Others will simply want to manipulate you and use you to their own ends. It's your life to live and you need to value and respect who you are. Put up boundaries between yourself and those who want to restrict you and 'put you down'. If they 'have no life', it's 'their' problem, not yours. Be who you were born to be. Thanking you for this video.
Its not just about not feeling worthy its that i get lost in the hurricane of their behavior. Its the addiction to the drama that I dont have to face my own issues. Like I dont want to face the voices of shame and fear. So I chase the chaos. Outside relationships, I am addicted to food and media. I suffer depression anxiety and cPTSD. I am still hoping to find a path to recovery. I love Coda and 12 step. But also think we need so many more programs to rewire a trauma brain.
I grew up as the eldest daughter of an alcoholic father and a deeply unhappy and unstable mother. I spent my childhood trying to keep the peace at home, very unsuccessfully of course, since it was not in my power to do so. I remember being 8 years old and my whole energy being directed towards trying to keep my parents from fighting, begging my dad to come home. I remember riding my bike to the bar were he was at night to try and make him come home for dinner. To this day I can’t understand how you can ignore your child’s phone calls so you can continue drinking with friends, knowing they are waiting for you at home. I’m crying as I type this, it still hurts so much even now at 26. My dad is still an alcoholic and I still struggle every day to accept the fact that I can’t control him (or other people). I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, like everything’s always my responsibility. Feeling abandoned and unseen as a child is extremely traumatizing. Thank God I have an amazing husband and our relationship is nothing like my parent’s, we are not perfect but we are very happy and always there for each other . I’ll keep working on my codependency issues and I hope that everyone who’s struggling with something similar knows they are not alone.
As a child, you saw your Dad as someone who was OK, just not making the best decisions. In reality, he was suffering immensely himself due to his own pain/trauma. Drinking is obviously no answer to those problems, but he did not feel like he could be there and be good for you. Whatever your self worth was, his was lower. He literally hated himself and he thought the best thing for you was if he wasn't around. That's why he didn't answer or come home. He didn't do the hard work to heal but he may not even think he's worth saving. He's buried under his own pain, he doesn't see anyone else. Imagine a time you have been incredibly sick, I mean extremely sick. If someone else was around and could take care of your kid, you'd go along with it. Maybe you wouldn't be proud, but you'd say you couldn't really help them that much anyways because of how debilitated you are. It didnt have anything to do with you sweetie. And that's the part that really hurts, right? Because parents *should* manage to put themselves aside and put children first. But he wasn't staying away because of you, he was staying away because of himself. Nothing you would do or didn't do would change that equation. He was too broken to be a Dad, and he knew it. And he was right. It's an ironic loop though, if he'd done the work, he could have been good. But you just get to do that now with your kids. And you are here changing the course of your family for generations to come.
@@zephyr4112 Thank you so much for your words. Yes, I don't know where his pain comes from and I imagine he must be hurting deeply to act that way. Sadly, he isn't willing to help himself or accept help from others. I'm proud of the work I've done with myself though! I'm pregnant with my first child and breaking generational curses is definetly a priority.
This video is so relatable, I'm actually crying right now because not one thing mentioned here didn't resonate with me in a very real and emotional sense. And that last bit too, how scary it would be to just let go. That hit really hard. I don't want my partner to stop loving me because I stop doing the things I genuinely love doing for them and I don't want my partner to lose interest because I have no interest in myself. Its scary, but I think I could be ready to take the leap of faith.
Active recovering codependent here... have always struggled with purpose and sense of self. Thank you for this. This resonated very strongly with me. This was very helpful and the ending "of all the humans that could have lived, you were born, and you weren't born to be a codependent" - was so eye opening. I will be referring to these words often during my healing journey. xoxo
I’m watching this video, 8 months into wondering what I did wrong that my Boyf of 4 years ghosted me without so much as a goodbye. I’m 35 and appalled that I’m in this much pain. I have been watching your videos this whole week, Margarita. And I’ve been crying and trying to learn. Thank you feels very little a word 🥺😞❤️
I love codependency with the people I love, as long as I love them I love to be attached to them 💕. As long as the toxique relatives are away I enjoy my attachments 😊
"Looking into your child eyes and asking what is it that you need" -- Asking that question (with help of the whole video) helped me so much more than hours of therapy. Thank you.
Yes I’ve had this, I gave everything to my relationships but there was nothing left for me. I couldn’t focus on me or healing because I was too busy trying to be the best I could be for them. Now I’ve met another man and I feel the signs again and I’m recognising that although I really like him and I’m a romantic at heart I’m letting it go because I have goals and at my age 38 I think what man will take care of me now, i love love but it’s true, I will give up everything for him again and I can’t do this anymore.
My issue is such a paradox that it is truly frustrating to recognize in hindsight, which is the only time I can. I am codependent on my partner, relying on her for validation of my worth and seeing her as my sole source of happiness. Yet, though I feel this way about her and would do absolutely anything for her because I love her, and recognize the value I place upon her, I cannot control my self in conflict and lash out unnecessarily. I think it is because I see her as the provider of my self esteem and my sense of worth, so anything perceived as a criticism from her feels like a deeply personal attack on me as a person. In that moment I don't see her as my validation, but as someone who is completely disappointed and not confident in me.
i think our whole society is a bit like this - first go to school and study other peoples ideas, care too much about what other people think, grow up and work in energy sucking job, have kids because thats what you're supposed to do, do housework, watch news propaganda, waste time on social media etc. of course there are exceptions and many people are happy anyway which is great. some things you can choose and some you cant. choose small good things every day and support to get healthy (not narcissist) people to lead our world. be the change you want to see around you, right?
Trying to deal with this right now, well i have been for years and i cant seem to stop obsessing over my partner and relationship. HOW do i become obsessed with MYself?
Its crazy i only found out about this last year and I'm 38. Literally have lived my life like mowgali trying to find out wtf is wrong with me lol. And it all started because I didnt even know who I was and now I'm living in a different paradigm where I know I'm codependent and then realising this is such a powerful addiction! I'm sober now for 5 months from drugs and alcohol and they were so easy to give up. But the thought of facing myself and being there for myself and being by myself without understanding is like facing a massive wall. On a positive note at least I know what I'm up against and I'm hopeful.
You were formed for great things to share… like all you’ve experienced and your ancestors and mother before u has risen you up with so much wisdom- how we are where we are because of the steps and layers they shed and now we have the space, time, money, people connection to share all we’ve gained and i thank u for you wisdom! I wish u could b my therapist …
Wow you have cleared up 30 years of confusion in one video. I’m adopted and survivor or extreme child trauma. Mother is a narcissist and brother started the trauma at age 9. This video explains so much to me on why I want to feel safe and my problems with addiction. Thank you so much.
Loved this, thank you. When you speak, it’s easy to tell how smart you are. You’re not just someone parroting things and trying to sound smart, which I’ve seen a lot of.
I soooo wish this video could have existed 20 years ago! I'm much better since then, but appreciate all the helpful and honest language around the realities of codependency, as well as the healing process. What a road it's been. Thank you.
I watched my first video by Margarita that speaks about anxiety attachments...it woke me up and it made me a little sad that 90% of the video I related to. I was already aware and I've known for years I've needed to change. On a positive measure,to hear it all in words helped a lot. To hear someone tell me exactly how I feel and what I go through and my thoughts patterns has been really eye opening. I find myself being this way EVERY SINGLE DAY towards my husband. Every Single Day. So sad and depressing and addictive. My husband has pulled away, naturally,but he remains with open arms only when I'm ready and healed. Right when I think I'm headed towards healing,he opens back up then I sabotage it again and again. It's like he's in the outside looking in,at me,waiting,he's done all he can do to help me,but then I became dependent. It was too much. This is my second video,haven't watched it yet had to type this first God bless you all ❤
I have progressively gotten “crazier” as time goes on in my 5 yr relationship. When I first met him I was such a happy person, you had to try really hard to make me mad. Now 1 little minuscule thing sets me off. I literally NO BS waited on out his house for 3 hrs yesterday bc he was ignoring me, he called me to come in and he disrespected me the entire time beyond belief. I just realized wtf I was doing. I completely lost myself bc he wants to cheat, lie, disrespect, and never show me a once of love (he hasn’t said I love you in 2 yrs). I am fighting for what? I don’t even know. When I’m with him I’m remind that I deserve better and when I’m gone all I want is him. It’s become an ego thing at this point. He has gas lit the fk out of me to the point I will show up at his phone to see if he is home to prove he’s lying etc etc. I am not this crazy biotch but he genuinely made me like this . At this point I’m just delusional, the love we “have” is in my head, I like him more than he likes me, etc and he’s over here like why does this biotch keep calling I fk’d her last night and she’s acting like my girl. That’s literally what it’s giving. If he doesn’t like me why stay for 5yrs? That’s what confuses me. I barely fk him so it can’t be bc seggs. I just can’t do it any fking more. I can’t I can’t I can’t. My anxious attachment got to stop. I need to get help from my narcissist ex bc I has killed me in everyway now I’m trying to better myself 1 step at a time.
I swear, Margarita, you say every single word so on point. Your capacity of talking and explaining these things is just wow. Not a single second wasted with bla bla bla. Everything is just on point. Thank you!
I would've never considered myself codependent, because for the most part, I've lived my life hyper-independently. But when I start dating someone, I see how I've ended up being codependent in ways similar to what you say at 4:52+. I almost hand over my worth, my accomplishments, my heart because I want to be sure the other person sees how great I am, consistently. And usually they are a mess and don't offer much to build me up more, only bring me down.
Read that book so long ago. Rewatching so many vids, as I just had the rug pulled out from under me and my heart is shattered. A 19 yr friendship, 3 yr serious.... broken in so many pieces now. 50 yrs old and still codependent, cpsd, trust issues, fearful avoidance with anxious tendencies,, and feeling so hopeless & abandoned yet again 💔😒😢
You have literally changed my life with your videos.. Before them I didn't even realized that I have an issue I thought it was just my personality the whole time! Thank you😢❤
I recently lost my love because of my codependency which kind of turned in to an anxious attachment towards the end. Sadly I wasn’t aware of this until I’ve educated myself after the fact. This actually wasn’t caused by my childhood. It was caused by a 13 year relationship before my ex, where my partner abandoned me emotionally and physically but didn’t leave the relationship. I didn’t know this until recently. Thanks for the video.
I couldn't help but cry when you were talking about being here for a reason and for who I am... Anytime I let myself spiral from these codependent tendencies; I can't help but despise myself for sinking to that level... Thank you for this video. I needed to hear it.
It's so breathtaking, painfully familiar and exactly as it is to me right now. I served her for 3 years, was helpful and useful. And now I struggle with the pain of releasing these relationship, cause it's not mine. I just attached myself to her, even in my head there was more space for thoughts about her rather than me.
“You feel worthy in the fact that you’re just THERE!" A big belief I am integrating as I navigate towards secure attachment. I’ve grown up with anxious attachment and I just got out of my *second* emotionally abusive relationship. Noticing that 2 was tough. But that allowed me to see that all my relationships, despite the nuance, have been incredibly similar, with me setting my life aside to be with them. Not anymore! I love how you say anxious and avoidant types attract each other for healing -- SO true!
I hope to break out of this anxious attachment behavior. I noticed the more I socialize without others (including without inviting others), I feel somewhat better. My anxiety is still there, but I feel OK. I find myself always agreeing to do something with or for friends, even if I don't want to... Something I am going to stop doing is always accepting invites. Although I feel I've missed out, it's something I've got to do for myself.
Ive just realised that i hzve never been in love in any of my relationships. I needed them around to validate my actions and because i wanted to change their life for a "better future." Once they walk away, i feel lost and fustraded because i have nothing to repare nor receiving any validation. IM A CRAZY WOMAN
Margarita this video almost made me cry. I’m working on my attachment style (anxious) and this was a gentle reminder that the spotlight should be on myself and not other people and I was born to SHINE❤ your content is saving me. Sending you a big hug because you are amazing
I grew up with alcoholic parents. I’ve seen patterns of codependency and people pleasing in my romantic relationships and struggled a lot with it. Your words are healing and am learning a lot from you. Please keep this coming. You are a blessing to us. ❤️
This is the best description of codependency. It finally clicked with me that I’ve been trying to manage the other person because I feel they can’t … look how useful I am … sad
Margarita, you are an incredible person! That description of the fact that by being codependent we are betraying the child in us who is suffering a drama moved me so much that it brought tears to my eyes! I am a woman who did more than she could for her marriage, for a person who does not deserve and cannot be satisfied, that I had come to doubt all my abilities! I am slowly starting to regain all my confidence and strength, in parallel with the release of the codependent relationship, and I feel wonderful! We need people like you, God bless!
Anxious attachment 🤦🏽♀️ codependant 🤦🏽♀️ with an avoidant I'm in the process of trying to heal. Keep failing lol but now im aware im on it 👌 it's all gd in the hood
I’ve been married 24 years. When we got sober., My husband went into a very narcissistic type stage? I have now recognized very clearly I’ve always been codependent! I am now trying to get self-help online and feel strong! I’m working on me now and not everyone around me? I have to stop myself every time I start to focus on my husband and my adult teenagers too much(I I am a good mother and I’ve even explained that I’m trying to break patterns that are unhealthy for them and me? I’m very thankful for your videos and will enjoy following you. Thank you so much and God bless.❤ Deeann K🦋
This is such a great explanation. Thank you. I have always struggled in relationships because I somehow always saw love as doing everything I can for the person I love. The ending is always the same, I am used up and discarded. I recently got broken up with by a girl I really felt was the one for me, she was a single mom and I spent a really long time trying to be everything for her and doing everything. She actually said to me that I'm codependent and to me it didn't seem like such a big deal until she stopped valuing me, I was boring to her and was just this service provider. Breaks my heart that I lost someone I cared about because I gave them everything till there nothing left of me.
So I am quietly this way I have tried so hard to be confident in my relationship and it’s been a very good successful relationship, but I see the things just sort of disappearing the things that made me feel that I was important. I am trying so hard not to fall into old patterns, so nobody knows I think about this way too much that it’s starting to affect my day-to-day life and I’m making excuses for myself as to why I’m not sleeping. I’m not eating. I’m sick because I don’t want anyone to know. I’m like this. I don’t think my partner knows I’m like this God I hope not. I have done so much freaking work on myself. I’m not controlling anything. I’m not trying to fix anything. I am quietly trying to just sit here and be but honestly, I feel everything is slipping through my fingers, like I literally am trying so hard not to be this way that I won’t even talk to anyone about it so leave me…
Excellent video! I totally relate to the addiction of codependency. I’m so much more aware than I was two years ago… and slowly standing my ground and putting me first bit by bit. It’s funny how some people in my life don’t like that. Remembering my power!!
A lot of men find this useful too, you give a lot of examples of women sending u emails. I just want to thank you for these videos...I'm co dependent and I raised a son who is now co dependent and I pass these videos on to him. I have a nephew who is co dependent and I pass these on to him. I have learned so much from your videos. The one about being confident. Thank you thank you thank you. ❤ my therapist is the one who sent them to be. I'm anxious attached and was raised by alcoholic. Every example there is abiut anxious and co dependent and I have both. I'm not an addict but i raised my son out of my own trauma and co dependency. I didn't have any SELF. I hustled for my Worth and was a people pleaser all my life and I raised my son in than environment and he is now the exact same way. So u are helping mother and fathers and young adults too. My son is 27 yrs old and I send him all your videos. I appreciate how candid and raw you are. Thank u so much for sharing all u have learned. Bevause of you I now BELIEVE I can go from anxious attachment to secure. I believe I can be confident. Thank u!!!
Wow… honestly in tears from watching this. I’ve never heard anyone speak my reality from such a place of a understanding and knowing. I’ve been on a journey of discovery of my codependency for a few years now but I keep backsliding. It is time for me to truly let go and learn to be there fully for myself. ❤
I never was like this before I was so solo, independent. I met a man I have been in a relationship for 8 years now. He was telling me I was to strong, didn’t need him. That he wanted a woman that was soft and I turned into needing him so much it’s crazy and I hate it. He’s married but seperated for over 10 years and suffers from PTSD. I have done everything for him I don’t talk unless talked to, I won’t give my opinion anymore because to him it’s to manly for me to have opinion. I have to do for me. I have been extremely sick last couple months I feel my body wants to give up. I’m walking on egg shells and first time in my life I wanted to end it all. I would do anything for him just to see him happy. I just need help with the first part what do I do? Do I leave him? I don’t know, I’m not a bad person and feel that if I give up on him he will blame me and I’ll be a bad person outside. Crazy part is I love him. I hate it. I have to realize that he doesn’t want me but won’t say it or leave. I need my independence back
Very true on a genuinely good and caring person being pushed away - those people (often securely attached themselves) want you to be your own person who they get to experience life with, not an empty vessel. I experienced this first hand when a wonderful man and I were dating eventually broke it off saying it wasn’t healthy to continue. It was a very sobering experience.
I’m adopted & I don’t have any other family than the one i’m already in. And even they sometimes exclude me. They love me from a distance. They do celebrate my birthday so that’s nice ❤🎉 I couldn’t imagine being away from my family i would feel abandoned 😢
Omg!! This condition has been me for years. I didn't even realise what was happening. It was only discovered when my husband decided to move on with another personal highlighting my flaws. But apart from it being reasons to deflect his actions, I became self-aware of this defective personality. I am very glad I came across this videos, they are very informative.
This was very eye opening. I could never understand why I felt like a lone ranger. Never needing anyone but wanting to be everything for someone. My mind is blown. Especially after minute 11.
Ive been managing my codependency fir abt 4 years now. I have been able to be less dependable and say "no" more! Ive focused on self care and healing up other avenues i needed to focus on! I just wanted to share with you all that you can make it thru this!! One day at a time ❤❤
Dang! I never thought codependent was the golden child syndrome. Thanks for sharing from that beneficial book. I hope I can turn the spotlight from the person whom I am codependent with, to myself.
Bonus points if you've had to micromanage your own parents when you were a child...
Manny from modern family
Or even as an adult
Yes, exactly what I happen to me as a child and then, as I grew up, I became a parent and did the same thing to my own. Talk about guilt.
I grew up in bars, mainly the order of the eagles, sperm donor was a member, and practically lived there.
I often, as a very young child, would have to go in and get him. I had to walk there, and then he would put me in the car and come home, eventually.
Sometimes he wouldn't come home, and I walked back, late as hell.
So there's that, then I had to raise my mother, myself, and my younger sister. I did a piss poor job, and now re-raising myself.
I'm doing a much better job with myself these days. Regardless of my lack of being raised.
Until this day. Always the lawyer of the fam. 😅
"Be selfish and self-obsessed because you don't know how to do that." And this is exactly why no one will ever be allowed to dim my light again. They have no idea what had to be overcome in order to find self-love and no longer abandon my own needs. So call me full of it, self obsessed or too focused on me, it's just a compliment now.
How I’m trying to be
The goal I'm striving towards.
@@kaay.baabii3115e too, i wake up biw in the night. B😂cause a neighbour was angry/ dissapointed to me becaise i had not give him somehting (because i gave to another). Then i feel guilty also because it was new for me i gave no explanation. But now i feel myself like very egoistisch. But deep insite its also the better choice. But van almost not breath becaise i have always respect for older. Bit this what i did today i dont do for beeing a egoist. But i habe to do this so they keep dostance for me. And i attract healthy persons who respect me. Instead of calling me like it was very low from me.I gave it to another. Take care you all
@@flexiveganc7441keep giving it whilst you can
I understand...I feel guilty for anything I do for myself... it's like "buyer's remorse" was always told I was selfish...never the case... I always worked my ass off... especially after I left an abusively toxic marriage over 20yrs...dove into my job taking any & all shifts available... didn't want to think bout nothing but didn't wanna dull pain & hurt in drugs & alcohol...it began to work on me...everyone noticed...BUT ME....SO...one day my bestie called me off work & we went to the Beach...first time ever w/o any responsibility... so at 47 yrs old my friends & bosses HAD to explain that it was okay to call off for a mental day...I am still learning to let go...have fun...breathe...say NO... I don't have the energy to do that today... I'M learning I have to make myself a priority or will get lost mentally & hurt physically...#SELFLOVE❤❤
It’s so lonely trying not to be clingy and codependent
Give that energy to yourself in the form of self care
I am watching this video waiting for my bf to text me back. I think about our relationship incessantly. Any perceived change in behaviour from him makes me furious and I want to end things with him. This really resonated for me. The spotlight analogy is spot on! Who cares what he is doing! I only care what I am doing and if he wants to leave he can leave I cannot control him, his thoughts or actions or whether or not he loves me! I AM A JUICY ORANGE!! Thank you ❤️. Gonna watch this a few times.
We will be independent juicy oranges ❤
🍊
i love this n i agree
🍊
I have the exact same..soon as there is a behavior change I freak out..
Even when its a man hitting the gym after never having hit the gym before I panic and its an "alarm sign" in my eyes.
Ive been with a narcissist 3 years with sex addiction,gambling addiction and drug addiction and this has send me off the edge.
I cried the entire video.
And reading your comment made me feel less alone.
❤hope you heal and become your best version
The most crqzy thing about codependency is that not only do we find calm in the chaos, but it subconsciously replaying out childhood trauma. Instead of being the helpless child, we go find the helpless child in adults to fix so they dont feel like us
This is me in a nutshell, sad, but true.
Oh God how much I resonated with this
Wow first time hearing it explained like that ❤
Wow wow wow...spot on
You nailed it! It explains why I keep wanting to help the helpless, but then I stop myself and say, they’ll learn. It’s not unloving to allow others to learn by themselves. I’ll be there to comfort them, but am done advising others.
"We accept the love we think we deserve"
is anyone else crying from learning abt urself from this?? this was by far the best description of codependency and insecure attachments that i’ve seen and it genuinely helped me so much
Me.
Crying because it's so painful to realize what I'm subjecting myself to for so long
same
I was crying too, especially when Margarita said :"Nobody ever sat you down and looked into your eyes..."
It’s grief, completely understandable you are not alone. ❤🙏❤
I am a co-dependent, just found this out recently. My co-dependency has ruined what started out as a pretty good & compatible relationship, which is now coming to an end after almost four years. I’m suffering to an extreme degree over this break up. But I do realize now that I was way too focused on him and the relationship. At the beginning I knew who I was & what I liked and disliked, but after four years in this co-dependent relationship with an anxious-avoidant I’ve completely lost sight of who I am. I don’t remember anything about who I was, what I like, I feel like I have no personality anymore.
Exactly my situation
This is exactly how i feel, literally
This is exactly what I’m going through I hope to recover soon ❤️🩹
Girl.....it took 4 years for me too, u r just describing me at this point....can we just hug 🫂
"I used to find and crave the relief of knowing exactly what someone's doing, control them and feel good with that"
So toxic
its so aggravating because i want to get better but its like i cannot form any type of relationship (platonic or romantic) without getting extremely attached. and it feels like the only thing i can do to resolve that is to cut everyone off and not make any new relationships, but then thats just feeding into my avoidant ideations
When she spoke of the physiological changes to your body that come from living for someone other than yourself, it made me think of how I learned that the person you end up with will either add or take away years from your life. Your life span is affected because your health is affected! It’s crazy.
I was with a narcissist for 3 years with multiple addictions,and I felt better when I thought I would be the one to "heal him" .As a result I got physically ill and the doctors cant find anything.
Stress kills!
My 8 years with my toxic ex husband. Those 8 years of my life that was in my 20s I can never get it back. Not only toxic ex husband. Toxic bosses too. Thank God that I just got to 40. And still have 1/2 of that I can turn things around! Never again! Not even to my own immediate family!
I gained weight in last three years and I was also hurting within my relationship. So true
It’s so true. Think of the best relationships and it’s gentle and restorative and you never get bored or tired because there is not abusive or melodramatic upheaval.. it’s two people who care about one another. Super easy. And when you want to do something different you leave the room and it makes sense and it isn’t some crazy fight or drama either.
@@marifestation4603it takes two tango!
As a grateful member of many recovery modalities for 6+ years now, here’s what I’ve learned codependency really is:
- inability to self regulate and experience reality moderately
- need for 24/7 positive regard
- no self esteem (thus we seek esteem in others and substances)
- no relationship with something greater than yourself, no real purpose in life
The solution is really in keeping complete accountability, leaning into tolerating life on life’s terms over time and attending to your own life.
Codependency is addiction to drama and other people, and it will rob you of the most precious resource - TIME.
As someone who has now recovered pretty fully from codependency, I can attest that total healing is possible and it’s magnificent!
How did you recover from it?
Amazing! It would be really helpful if you can share some tips of how you went on your journey to being non - dependent
So glad that you are fully recovered from codependency. Very well done to you. Makes me hopeful and optimistic. I’ll be grateful if you could share your recovery steps and tips. Thank you
2:30 when she says “anxious and avoidant are attracted to each other” I have a mixture of anxious and avoidant attachment style I try to make everyone love me the way I love them and almost expect it back but then when it’s not given back I get scared and withdraw. I was dating someone who was avoidant style and I realised we both kept coming back to each other and it’s because we were attracted in a toxic way! I used to think I was the problem but thank you for making me realise that it was both of us and our attachment styles that made us so incompatible
In my marriage I seem to bring all the “love” and emotions. Positive emotions. If I hold back- it seems like there’s nothing there.
I’m sorry to hear this I hope you’re doing okay
DEFINITION: "Trying to create a feeling of safety in the world that you don't feel safe in."
Related to inability to self-soothe or self-regulate and believing that others are out to hurt you
Anxious attachment - People-pleasing, Golden Child Syndrome
People who are codependent look for people who they can fix to feel worthy and as a way to convince the other to stay.
ACTIONABLE STEPS:
- Give up control of the other, let them be who they are. They may not need you.
- Practice secure attachment tendencies
- Have your own worth/priorities/identity outside of person
- Have to take care of the inner child.
- Take the spotlight off the other and put it on yourself.
Ouch, this one called me out so bad. 😢🙈🥴😖
Thanks for posting this!
Holy shit, I just realized in HS I would make it my mission to find someone who wasn’t that “cool” and “take them under my wing” and now I realize why I did that wasnt cause I wanted to help them but really I wanted them to tell me how great I was by showing them the way 😂😅
(Internally cringing)
Oh my god I love you “you weren’t born to be codependent” you just know how to say all the right shit.
i have borderline personality disorder and this is basically my entire life for as long as i can remember and its taken a lot of therapy to even begin to unlearn these things and heal. I’m still not even halfway there but I’m on my way. Its amazing how messed up you can become after a neglectful childhood.
Im so happy to see you're working through it and you'll get there!! Keep going🤍🌻
Good luck hope you're keeping on with it
❤❤ you can heal yourself!!
You are so powerful unlike those "hot girl summer" "baddie" motivational speakers. Your maturity is something that inspires me so so much and I look up to you as my idol. I'm 20 and so glad that I found you this early in life that I can become a great adult now by your advices and kind words. Much love to you.
Your 'speak' is the plainest, clearest, most powerful truth I have heard. Now to find the strength to not just listen, but to believe, to act and to move forward!!(and out of my own prison!) Thank you.
I agree!! I have learned so much from watching various teachers on several issues and she explains things far better than all of the others combine.
I am grateful to have found her.
good luck on your journey and may you have a life of meaning and happiness.
I agree she has a way of getting to my head and my heart. We will be free juicy oranges. 🫶🍊☺️
😅😂
I’m right there with you. Wanting to change, but gathering the courage.
@@1chadmon yes i to feel free like a juicy orange
I grew up with an alcoholic dad and a bipolar mom and my nickname growing up was Mowgli, given by my mom because she joked on how independent I was. I was 2 when I was given the nickname. Now I realize a 2 year old isn’t independent, I was just trying to take care of myself because no one else was.
I came here to learn about this in an effort to help my girlfriend who is going through a divorce of 36 years which was terrible for her. She for certain is co-dependent and even after him cheating, leaving her for her best friend and causing lots of issues with the divorce process, she defends him fully. She just keeps saying, he will take care of me and everything which is wrong as he has told her she won't get anything. He knew she didn't have any money for a lawyer and crazy me helped with that but after paying them he told her it was stupid so she is now considering not using the lawyer. All that said, what I am realizing from watching this is, I actually demonstrate some of these traits in this relationship. I don't recall doing any of these things in previous relationships so seems new to me but for certain I am learning from all this as well. Very good information and appreciate your sharing it. Thank you.
For me, I never had male attention growing up as I went to an all girls school. I grew up watching romantic comedies fantasizing about being the female character and having a guy give me attention. So whenever an attractive guy comes into my life in real life and express interest in me, I get extremely anxious and needy around him. I want him to love me. "Who is he following on IG?" Did he watch my stories?" It's so hard but I'm working on it every day. :(
This is relatable hun.
Your not alone we have all been there! Remember, you must realise you are always worthy whether a man wants you or not! Your already whole and complete ❤
You can’t force anything that is genuine. So be yourself…. Which you may not even know who that is….. and you will attract the right people. People can sense that nervous energy and it repels them
Interestingly women mostly speak of the effect of codependency on relationships... But there is more to it even if you are alone. The absence of a relationship can make you not takle things in your life that are important.
I struggle with this A LOT! I cling to people because i think they give or take my value(based on the situation) and that’s how I become so attached to them and put them on pedestal. Gosh!
Thank you Margarita you are helping me more than you can imagine..❤️
🙋🏻♀️what if someone rejects your help? How does that make you feel? Does it make you want to prove your worth even more?
@@Notme811_you yup sometimes
When you watch shows like "My 600 pound life", you see these bedridden people being fed to death by their partner.
It amazes me how they always have a partner.
Often, when they really lose weight and get themselves together, the partner gets really threatened, and often they sabotage the person to keep them under control. Or they leave, feeling threatened because they feel that person no longer depends on or needs them.
Yes.
This video is absolute gold. The sooner you learn and apply this, the sooner your life will improve. Know your worth.
Thank you so much for this. A friend and I are being intentional about our inner-child healing journey and we're supporting each other by sharing resources, among other things. She recommended you and I see why.
You have no idea how this hit home. My partner is not an addict but he is immature and self centered so I end up doing everything... Paying the bills, cleaning, working etc. I am the man of the house that makes sure everything is taken care of. And I do find safety in that control but that is not what I need or deserve. I will certainly listen to that book. I need it . ❤
I know it's hard but you deserve way better than that
You don’t have a partner. You have a child with similar responsibilities. That man will resent it eventually and will want a woman who he feels he can be an equal to, after you invest 10+ years of your life into. Consider your options.
I cried in this video bc you finally explained it in a way that I can really see how it’s actually affecting me. Thank you so much ❤️
me too 😢
I needed this so much. I had an abusive distant father and as an adult now I'm a codependent person. I tried to control my partner and became like a parent to them, making them realize what they are doing wrong and how to make things right. My partner felt controlled and left me.
I feel super anxious and all alone. I'm so thankful to youtube for suggesting me this video. This no talking phase, him blocking me, has made me realize a lot of things and where I need to correct myself.
Please make more videos on codependency like should I see a therapist or how can I actually apply any method/ tips that will help me to shift from being a codependent to a securely attached individual.
For me I’ve been creating safety for myself by regulating my emotions and nervous systems exercises. Acting as if a secure person is a good trick until you are I guess
great done what kind of exercises for nervous system is that you did? and how you regulated your emotions thx @@Izz740
I am more than halfway through this book she’s referring. If this sparked anything, read the book it will heal
Yes you have to be there for you. You are a unique person who has qualities and talents that only you have. If you are not respected in one situation, move onto another situation. As one door closes another one opens. Go through the new open door. You never know where life will take you until you open and walk through a new open door. Live your own life, not the life that others want you to live. Others will simply want to manipulate you and use you to their own ends. It's your life to live and you need to value and respect who you are. Put up boundaries between yourself and those who want to restrict you and 'put you down'. If they 'have no life', it's 'their' problem, not yours. Be who you were born to be. Thanking you for this video.
Its not just about not feeling worthy its that i get lost in the hurricane of their behavior. Its the addiction to the drama that I dont have to face my own issues. Like I dont want to face the voices of shame and fear. So I chase the chaos. Outside relationships, I am addicted to food and media. I suffer depression anxiety and cPTSD. I am still hoping to find a path to recovery. I love Coda and 12 step. But also think we need so many more programs to rewire a trauma brain.
I healed my anxious attachment style watching your videos. Thank you so much, I love you.
“you think that you’ve got to choose someone broken in order to manage them and in you fixing them you will find your worth” hit home
I grew up as the eldest daughter of an alcoholic father and a deeply unhappy and unstable mother. I spent my childhood trying to keep the peace at home, very unsuccessfully of course, since it was not in my power to do so. I remember being 8 years old and my whole energy being directed towards trying to keep my parents from fighting, begging my dad to come home. I remember riding my bike to the bar were he was at night to try and make him come home for dinner. To this day I can’t understand how you can ignore your child’s phone calls so you can continue drinking with friends, knowing they are waiting for you at home. I’m crying as I type this, it still hurts so much even now at 26. My dad is still an alcoholic and I still struggle every day to accept the fact that I can’t control him (or other people). I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, like everything’s always my responsibility. Feeling abandoned and unseen as a child is extremely traumatizing. Thank God I have an amazing husband and our relationship is nothing like my parent’s, we are not perfect but we are very happy and always there for each other . I’ll keep working on my codependency issues and I hope that everyone who’s struggling with something similar knows they are not alone.
As a child, you saw your Dad as someone who was OK, just not making the best decisions.
In reality, he was suffering immensely himself due to his own pain/trauma. Drinking is obviously no answer to those problems, but he did not feel like he could be there and be good for you. Whatever your self worth was, his was lower. He literally hated himself and he thought the best thing for you was if he wasn't around.
That's why he didn't answer or come home. He didn't do the hard work to heal but he may not even think he's worth saving. He's buried under his own pain, he doesn't see anyone else.
Imagine a time you have been incredibly sick, I mean extremely sick. If someone else was around and could take care of your kid, you'd go along with it. Maybe you wouldn't be proud, but you'd say you couldn't really help them that much anyways because of how debilitated you are.
It didnt have anything to do with you sweetie. And that's the part that really hurts, right? Because parents *should* manage to put themselves aside and put children first. But he wasn't staying away because of you, he was staying away because of himself. Nothing you would do or didn't do would change that equation. He was too broken to be a Dad, and he knew it. And he was right. It's an ironic loop though, if he'd done the work, he could have been good.
But you just get to do that now with your kids. And you are here changing the course of your family for generations to come.
@@zephyr4112 Thank you so much for your words. Yes, I don't know where his pain comes from and I imagine he must be hurting deeply to act that way. Sadly, he isn't willing to help himself or accept help from others. I'm proud of the work I've done with myself though! I'm pregnant with my first child and breaking generational curses is definetly a priority.
I feel like my fear of not wanting to be codependent and anxious attachment is making me anxious avoidant.
This video is so relatable, I'm actually crying right now because not one thing mentioned here didn't resonate with me in a very real and emotional sense. And that last bit too, how scary it would be to just let go. That hit really hard. I don't want my partner to stop loving me because I stop doing the things I genuinely love doing for them and I don't want my partner to lose interest because I have no interest in myself. Its scary, but I think I could be ready to take the leap of faith.
I don’t usually comment but I didn’t want to be here anymore this morning. This video helped. Thank you so much. Sending love
Active recovering codependent here... have always struggled with purpose and sense of self. Thank you for this. This resonated very strongly with me. This was very helpful and the ending "of all the humans that could have lived, you were born, and you weren't born to be a codependent" - was so eye opening. I will be referring to these words often during my healing journey. xoxo
I’m watching this video, 8 months into wondering what I did wrong that my Boyf of 4 years ghosted me without so much as a goodbye. I’m 35 and appalled that I’m in this much pain. I have been watching your videos this whole week, Margarita. And I’ve been crying and trying to learn. Thank you feels very little a word 🥺😞❤️
9:32 this is basically to quit being the cameo of another person's movie and being the star of your own movie
Margarita!!!!! Im in my car.... in the rain... and this was so much love for my soul. You're an angel. Love and Peace!
I love codependency with the people I love, as long as I love them I love to be attached to them 💕. As long as the toxique relatives are away I enjoy my attachments 😊
What is you need?
I am now grown and I can provide that for you!
I am here!
👏👏👏👏👏👏👏 gave me chills
Yes.. chills!
I have read so many books and I am currently in therapy… YOUR videos have helped me more than anything. Thank you!!!
"Looking into your child eyes and asking what is it that you need" -- Asking that question (with help of the whole video) helped me so much more than hours of therapy. Thank you.
Yes I’ve had this, I gave everything to my relationships but there was nothing left for me. I couldn’t focus on me or healing because I was too busy trying to be the best I could be for them. Now I’ve met another man and I feel the signs again and I’m recognising that although I really like him and I’m a romantic at heart I’m letting it go because I have goals and at my age 38 I think what man will take care of me now, i love love but it’s true, I will give up everything for him again and I can’t do this anymore.
My issue is such a paradox that it is truly frustrating to recognize in hindsight, which is the only time I can. I am codependent on my partner, relying on her for validation of my worth and seeing her as my sole source of happiness. Yet, though I feel this way about her and would do absolutely anything for her because I love her, and recognize the value I place upon her, I cannot control my self in conflict and lash out unnecessarily. I think it is because I see her as the provider of my self esteem and my sense of worth, so anything perceived as a criticism from her feels like a deeply personal attack on me as a person. In that moment I don't see her as my validation, but as someone who is completely disappointed and not confident in me.
i think our whole society is a bit like this - first go to school and study other peoples ideas, care too much about what other people think, grow up and work in energy sucking job, have kids because thats what you're supposed to do, do housework, watch news propaganda, waste time on social media etc. of course there are exceptions and many people are happy anyway which is great. some things you can choose and some you cant. choose small good things every day and support to get healthy (not narcissist) people to lead our world. be the change you want to see around you, right?
Trying to deal with this right now, well i have been for years and i cant seem to stop obsessing over my partner and relationship. HOW do i become obsessed with MYself?
I knew this was for me when u said the thing about being the supporting character/role in people’s lives bc I just said I feel that way 2 days ago
Its crazy i only found out about this last year and I'm 38. Literally have lived my life like mowgali trying to find out wtf is wrong with me lol. And it all started because I didnt even know who I was and now I'm living in a different paradigm where I know I'm codependent and then realising this is such a powerful addiction! I'm sober now for 5 months from drugs and alcohol and they were so easy to give up. But the thought of facing myself and being there for myself and being by myself without understanding is like facing a massive wall. On a positive note at least I know what I'm up against and I'm hopeful.
I’m crying and feeling helpless
You were formed for great things to share… like all you’ve experienced and your ancestors and mother before u has risen you up with so much wisdom- how we are where we are because of the steps and layers they shed and now we have the space, time, money, people connection to share all we’ve gained and i thank u for you wisdom! I wish u could b my therapist …
You see yourself mirrored in her also 🤍
I live for your videos! Gives me LIFE! I will fire my therapist and hire you.
Wow you have cleared up 30 years of confusion in one video. I’m adopted and survivor or extreme child trauma. Mother is a narcissist and brother started the trauma at age 9. This video explains so much to me on why I want to feel safe and my problems with addiction. Thank you so much.
If you’re watching this, it’s because you’re on a healing journey. Don’t stop, because there is light at the end of the tunnel 💕 💗
Loved this, thank you. When you speak, it’s easy to tell how smart you are. You’re not just someone parroting things and trying to sound smart, which I’ve seen a lot of.
Selfishness and self obsession is evil and will ultimately leave you and all you love broken and desolate.
I soooo wish this video could have existed 20 years ago! I'm much better since then, but appreciate all the helpful and honest language around the realities of codependency, as well as the healing process. What a road it's been.
Thank you.
Thank you for your videos. The advice you gave on anxious attachment has changed my life. I have so much freedom now which I didn't expect.
You hit it home with defining the issues in relationships for codependants. Thank you for taking the time to explain it so well.
I watched my first video by Margarita that speaks about anxiety attachments...it woke me up and it made me a little sad that 90% of the video I related to. I was already aware and I've known for years I've needed to change.
On a positive measure,to hear it all in words helped a lot. To hear someone tell me exactly how I feel and what I go through and my thoughts patterns has been really eye opening.
I find myself being this way EVERY
SINGLE
DAY
towards my husband.
Every
Single
Day.
So sad and depressing and addictive. My husband has pulled away, naturally,but he remains with open arms only when I'm ready and healed. Right when I think I'm headed towards healing,he opens back up then I sabotage it again and again. It's like he's in the outside looking in,at me,waiting,he's done all he can do to help me,but then I became dependent. It was too much.
This is my second video,haven't watched it yet had to type this first
God bless you all ❤
I have progressively gotten “crazier” as time goes on in my 5 yr relationship. When I first met him I was such a happy person, you had to try really hard to make me mad. Now 1 little minuscule thing sets me off. I literally NO BS waited on out his house for 3 hrs yesterday bc he was ignoring me, he called me to come in and he disrespected me the entire time beyond belief. I just realized wtf I was doing. I completely lost myself bc he wants to cheat, lie, disrespect, and never show me a once of love (he hasn’t said I love you in 2 yrs). I am fighting for what? I don’t even know. When I’m with him I’m remind that I deserve better and when I’m gone all I want is him. It’s become an ego thing at this point. He has gas lit the fk out of me to the point I will show up at his phone to see if he is home to prove he’s lying etc etc. I am not this crazy biotch but he genuinely made me like this . At this point I’m just delusional, the love we “have” is in my head, I like him more than he likes me, etc and he’s over here like why does this biotch keep calling I fk’d her last night and she’s acting like my girl. That’s literally what it’s giving. If he doesn’t like me why stay for 5yrs? That’s what confuses me. I barely fk him so it can’t be bc seggs. I just can’t do it any fking more. I can’t I can’t I can’t. My anxious attachment got to stop. I need to get help from my narcissist ex bc I has killed me in everyway now I’m trying to better myself 1 step at a time.
Lots of typos but you get it
Don’t seek help from your narcissistic ex - that doesn’t sound wise.
I swear, Margarita, you say every single word so on point. Your capacity of talking and explaining these things is just wow. Not a single second wasted with bla bla bla. Everything is just on point. Thank you!
I would've never considered myself codependent, because for the most part, I've lived my life hyper-independently. But when I start dating someone, I see how I've ended up being codependent in ways similar to what you say at 4:52+. I almost hand over my worth, my accomplishments, my heart because I want to be sure the other person sees how great I am, consistently. And usually they are a mess and don't offer much to build me up more, only bring me down.
Read that book so long ago. Rewatching so many vids, as I just had the rug pulled out from under me and my heart is shattered. A 19 yr friendship, 3 yr serious.... broken in so many pieces now. 50 yrs old and still codependent, cpsd, trust issues, fearful avoidance with anxious tendencies,, and feeling so hopeless & abandoned yet again 💔😒😢
You have literally changed my life with your videos.. Before them I didn't even realized that I have an issue I thought it was just my personality the whole time! Thank you😢❤
I recently lost my love because of my codependency which kind of turned in to an anxious attachment towards the end. Sadly I wasn’t aware of this until I’ve educated myself after the fact.
This actually wasn’t caused by my childhood. It was caused by a 13 year relationship before my ex, where my partner abandoned me emotionally and physically but didn’t leave the relationship. I didn’t know this until recently. Thanks for the video.
I couldn't help but cry when you were talking about being here for a reason and for who I am... Anytime I let myself spiral from these codependent tendencies; I can't help but despise myself for sinking to that level... Thank you for this video. I needed to hear it.
It's so breathtaking, painfully familiar and exactly as it is to me right now. I served her for 3 years, was helpful and useful. And now I struggle with the pain of releasing these relationship, cause it's not mine. I just attached myself to her, even in my head there was more space for thoughts about her rather than me.
Same
“You feel worthy in the fact that you’re just THERE!" A big belief I am integrating as I navigate towards secure attachment.
I’ve grown up with anxious attachment and I just got out of my *second* emotionally abusive relationship. Noticing that 2 was tough. But that allowed me to see that all my relationships, despite the nuance, have been incredibly similar, with me setting my life aside to be with them. Not anymore!
I love how you say anxious and avoidant types attract each other for healing -- SO true!
I hope to break out of this anxious attachment behavior. I noticed the more I socialize without others (including without inviting others), I feel somewhat better. My anxiety is still there, but I feel OK. I find myself always agreeing to do something with or for friends, even if I don't want to... Something I am going to stop doing is always accepting invites. Although I feel I've missed out, it's something I've got to do for myself.
Ive just realised that i hzve never been in love in any of my relationships. I needed them around to validate my actions and because i wanted to change their life for a "better future." Once they walk away, i feel lost and fustraded because i have nothing to repare nor receiving any validation. IM A CRAZY WOMAN
My dear! God is using you in a very powerful way! God bless ❤
Margarita this video almost made me cry. I’m working on my attachment style (anxious) and this was a gentle reminder that the spotlight should be on myself and not other people and I was born to SHINE❤ your content is saving me. Sending you a big hug because you are amazing
I grew up with alcoholic parents. I’ve seen patterns of codependency and people pleasing in my romantic relationships and struggled a lot with it. Your words are healing and am learning a lot from you. Please keep this coming. You are a blessing to us. ❤️
This is the best description of codependency. It finally clicked with me that I’ve been trying to manage the other person because I feel they can’t … look how useful I am … sad
Margarita, you are an incredible person! That description of the fact that by being codependent we are betraying the child in us who is suffering a drama moved me so much that it brought tears to my eyes! I am a woman who did more than she could for her marriage, for a person who does not deserve and cannot be satisfied, that I had come to doubt all my abilities! I am slowly starting to regain all my confidence and strength, in parallel with the release of the codependent relationship, and I feel wonderful! We need people like you, God bless!
“You weren’t born to be a co dependent.” That last line, spoke to my inner little me and just wept.. thank you ❤
Oh this is me. 56 yrs old. And 10 yrs Sober. Ugh. I have the book. Will start working on it this week.
Anxious attachment 🤦🏽♀️ codependant 🤦🏽♀️ with an avoidant I'm in the process of trying to heal. Keep failing lol but now im aware im on it 👌 it's all gd in the hood
I’ve been married 24 years. When we got sober., My husband went into a very narcissistic type stage? I have now recognized very clearly I’ve always been codependent! I am now trying to get self-help online and feel strong! I’m working on me now and not everyone around me? I have to stop myself every time I start to focus on my husband and my adult teenagers too much(I I am a good mother and I’ve even explained that I’m trying to break patterns that are unhealthy for them and me? I’m very thankful for your videos and will enjoy following you. Thank you so much and God bless.❤ Deeann K🦋
I needed this made me cry but gave me strength thank you.
This is such a great explanation. Thank you. I have always struggled in relationships because I somehow always saw love as doing everything I can for the person I love. The ending is always the same, I am used up and discarded. I recently got broken up with by a girl I really felt was the one for me, she was a single mom and I spent a really long time trying to be everything for her and doing everything. She actually said to me that I'm codependent and to me it didn't seem like such a big deal until she stopped valuing me, I was boring to her and was just this service provider. Breaks my heart that I lost someone I cared about because I gave them everything till there nothing left of me.
So I am quietly this way I have tried so hard to be confident in my relationship and it’s been a very good successful relationship, but I see the things just sort of disappearing the things that made me feel that I was important. I am trying so hard not to fall into old patterns, so nobody knows I think about this way too much that it’s starting to affect my day-to-day life and I’m making excuses for myself as to why I’m not sleeping. I’m not eating. I’m sick because I don’t want anyone to know. I’m like this. I don’t think my partner knows I’m like this God I hope not. I have done so much freaking work on myself. I’m not controlling anything. I’m not trying to fix anything. I am quietly trying to just sit here and be but honestly, I feel everything is slipping through my fingers, like I literally am trying so hard not to be this way that I won’t even talk to anyone about it so leave me…
I'm finally starting to acknowledge and accept and move past this in my life at 25 so I can have a better future
I depend on me ONLY. I learnt that lesson a long time ago. 💯
Excellent video! I totally relate to the addiction of codependency. I’m so much more aware than I was two years ago… and slowly standing my ground and putting me first bit by bit. It’s funny how some people in my life don’t like that. Remembering my power!!
A lot of men find this useful too, you give a lot of examples of women sending u emails. I just want to thank you for these videos...I'm co dependent and I raised a son who is now co dependent and I pass these videos on to him. I have a nephew who is co dependent and I pass these on to him. I have learned so much from your videos. The one about being confident. Thank you thank you thank you. ❤ my therapist is the one who sent them to be. I'm anxious attached and was raised by alcoholic. Every example there is abiut anxious and co dependent and I have both. I'm not an addict but i raised my son out of my own trauma and co dependency. I didn't have any SELF. I hustled for my Worth and was a people pleaser all my life and I raised my son in than environment and he is now the exact same way. So u are helping mother and fathers and young adults too. My son is 27 yrs old and I send him all your videos. I appreciate how candid and raw you are. Thank u so much for sharing all u have learned. Bevause of you I now BELIEVE I can go from anxious attachment to secure. I believe I can be confident. Thank u!!!
Wow… honestly in tears from watching this. I’ve never heard anyone speak my reality from such a place of a understanding and knowing. I’ve been on a journey of discovery of my codependency for a few years now but I keep backsliding. It is time for me to truly let go and learn to be there fully for myself. ❤
I never was like this before I was so solo, independent. I met a man I have been in a relationship for 8 years now. He was telling me I was to strong, didn’t need him. That he wanted a woman that was soft and I turned into needing him so much it’s crazy and I hate it. He’s married but seperated for over 10 years and suffers from PTSD. I have done everything for him I don’t talk unless talked to, I won’t give my opinion anymore because to him it’s to manly for me to have opinion. I have to do for me. I have been extremely sick last couple months I feel my body wants to give up. I’m walking on egg shells and first time in my life I wanted to end it all. I would do anything for him just to see him happy. I just need help with the first part what do I do? Do I leave him? I don’t know, I’m not a bad person and feel that if I give up on him he will blame me and I’ll be a bad person outside. Crazy part is I love him. I hate it. I have to realize that he doesn’t want me but won’t say it or leave. I need my independence back
Very true on a genuinely good and caring person being pushed away - those people (often securely attached themselves) want you to be your own person who they get to experience life with, not an empty vessel. I experienced this first hand when a wonderful man and I were dating eventually broke it off saying it wasn’t healthy to continue. It was a very sobering experience.
I’m adopted & I don’t have any other family than the one i’m already in. And even they sometimes exclude me. They love me from a distance. They do celebrate my birthday so that’s nice ❤🎉 I couldn’t imagine being away from my family i would feel abandoned 😢
Omg!! This condition has been me for years. I didn't even realise what was happening. It was only discovered when my husband decided to move on with another personal highlighting my flaws. But apart from it being reasons to deflect his actions, I became self-aware of this defective personality. I am very glad I came across this videos, they are very informative.
5:57 😢....This right here....hit hard and deep
This was very eye opening. I could never understand why I felt like a lone ranger. Never needing anyone but wanting to be everything for someone. My mind is blown. Especially after minute 11.
Woman, thank you for existing, you are saving me.
Ive been managing my codependency fir abt 4 years now. I have been able to be less dependable and say "no" more! Ive focused on self care and healing up other avenues i needed to focus on!
I just wanted to share with you all that you can make it thru this!! One day at a time ❤❤
Dang! I never thought codependent was the golden child syndrome. Thanks for sharing from that beneficial book. I hope I can turn the spotlight from the person whom I am codependent with, to myself.