Awesome topic, thank you. This is especially difficult for FAs, who generally are the most likely to suffer from C-PTSD and developmental trauma, because our survival depended on being able to predict peoples' behavior and spot any out-of-character moments as a potential sign of danger. It's hard to let this one go when there is so much uncertainty at the beginning of relationships as to who we're dealing with and whether or not we can trust that a person is who they say they are. I've noticed that the dating landscape does not favor taking one's time to commit- especially if your boundary is not to become physically involved until a commitment is made. The predictable result here for myself, and probably a lot of FAs in their healing process, is that the potential upsides of dating just aren't worth all the headaches involved. I'm well on my way to security and I still could care less about another relationship. The risks of ending up with another toxic or manipulative person- or just another DA, which is just as bad- are too great. I'm getting better at expressing my needs, but finding someone who actually cares about those needs seems to be rare.
@@ChasecuzoAvoidants dont allow for much vulnerability so their communications with you are very shallow and “small” We are forced as the partner to hold on to the tiny things they choose to give us and interpret them in whatever way we can.
Ive done nothing but express what i want. I get shut down or they try for a little and stop. Then they want things and im supposed to not restrict them. Sigh
It's been my experience that if you are vulnerable with an avoidant and express your need for reassurance and help, the response is: "That's ridiculous. I shouldn't have to reassure you. I'm not here to protect or help you. Get over it." Work on yourself and get out while you can.
Correct. They leave with you the feeling of uncertainty by their erratic and inconsistent behaviors and when you politely ask them for reassurance, they turn it around on you and accuse you of suffocating them. The only way to have a relationship with these people is not to have a relationship with them.
This is so true! I also did this in friendships and I gave big meanings to small things. I noticed the “I will be betrayed”core wound was the primary issue among with others.
I may have been an avoidant 10 years ago because I couldn't handle a relationship (so I didn't enter into one) but I'm ready for one now. Not only does the past affect us but our present life situation. You have to get rid of the past and grow and learn from it. The woman I like may have had a tough time. Maybe she's coming out of being an avoidant and wants to live a normal life and trust and love someone and have them love her back. So for some there is room for health and healing it's not a life sentence.
My background is in psych (MS in Clinical ) and I think you are excellent in your specialty . Nice job . You articulate nicely and get the concepts /understanding across very clearly .
I loved this piece! 1. You helped me realize I have a trigger around policing behavior. 2. Your explanation of the process of core wound reprogramming was enlightening
I'm FA leaning DA according to the quiz but do not recognize myself in this, I think I might want to do policing behaviour but rather I block all information/social media etc so I know as little as possible about the life of the one I like. To protect my heart from harm I guess.
Some FAs check people’s phones? This is surprising to me. As an FA, I have such a strong stance on betrayal that I’d never do that because it would open the door for someone else to do it to me. If a partner or friend was checking my phone behind my back, I’d cut that tie immediately. I do lean DA on the FA spectrum, so maybe that makes a difference.
This absolutely was me before I discovered PDS and I'm thinking perhaps it may still be an issue but on a smaller scale, something that I'm aware of and fighting but still have a tendency towards doing. I obviously need to do more work on my core wound of being abandoned and not trusting, which are products of my actually being betrayed in a long time marriage. This is so very helpful. Thank you, Thais, for the reminder of what I need to be watching for in myself and working on correcting.
This is tricky for me because it happens in the very beginning of dating. When you can't share vulnerable and make a wish for things. Feel so stupid about this. I guess it's about being able to tolerate the emotions, the reaction in the nervous system.
Oh so nice to at least having been secure in this sense, never checked anyone's phone, their social media, etc. I walk on rather silent eggshells, have boundaries for my own behaviour. But yes I do have the typical AP fear that a man will leave me for someone else, abandonment. I have experienced some worried or policing men though
Thais, you have helped me so much this past months after I started watching your content here and doing the PDS. It's like I finally understand why I do what I do. It's difficult to deal with this but I feel better now that I have the knowledge to change this behaviors. Keep up with this amazing content. You are helping a lot of people!
I'd like to also say that not only are the tools so invaluable as you teach them, but even your explanations of what is going on within me and why I do what I do in response is so helpful. So often I just had no clue! Your explanations set me up for being able to actually do the work that brings the healing. Again, thank you!
Awesome topic, thank you. This is especially difficult for FAs, who generally are the most likely to suffer from C-PTSD and developmental trauma, because our survival depended on being able to predict peoples' behavior and spot any out-of-character moments as a potential sign of danger. It's hard to let this one go when there is so much uncertainty at the beginning of relationships as to who we're dealing with and whether or not we can trust that a person is who they say they are. I've noticed that the dating landscape does not favor taking one's time to commit- especially if your boundary is not to become physically involved until a commitment is made. The predictable result here for myself, and probably a lot of FAs in their healing process, is that the potential upsides of dating just aren't worth all the headaches involved. I'm well on my way to security and I still could care less about another relationship. The risks of ending up with another toxic or manipulative person- or just another DA, which is just as bad- are too great. I'm getting better at expressing my needs, but finding someone who actually cares about those needs seems to be rare.
I notice the same issues as well. I'm a healed DA and find that APs and FAs pressure the hell out of me to jump right into a relationship, then get mad when I decline or just ignore me when I say I don't want to date right away (actually had to file a police report this morning because of this). I really think it takes time to build a relationship and people need to be able to slow down and let it happen. I'm done with dating because of it.
@@cornwallismorgan874 yikes, sorry about the stress of having to file a police report. I've been there and it's not fun. So I agree with taking time to build a relationship, but with some sort of time-line or at least checking in every now and then to make sure you're both heading in the same direction. There's nothing worse than wasting time with someone who is just coasting with you without any type of future plan. We don't all operate that way. It also sucks when you're turning down other offers to stick by a person who's unsure. I've known soooo many people who like to keep a single status so they can keep their options open or see other people and that's super triggering for some. I'm a FA and 3 to 6 months is my limit with how long I'll casually date someone before I decide if I'm not interested in pursuing it or wait for the other person to decide whether we're moving forward or not. Situationships are terrible to me and if my ex DA had a choice he would've had us in one forever. He also feared relationships and thought of them as these massive hurdles when in my view you become official and if it works it works and if it doesn't then you break up. After a certain amount of time of casual dating, I have no desire to keep investing and I generally leave.
@@LeeChrissy Yeah, I don't like situationships either. They're awful. Even operating as primarily DA earlier on, I found them intolerable and wouldn't subject others to them. I've always been okay with having relationships, but I find that women are generally too flippant with them and I don't even factor in. I too consider relationships as massive hurdles because of that alone, and will give it a maximum of 3 months before I leave if no improvement is made. I fully agree with your idea of timelines and checking in; I think too many people operate without a sense of urgency and with a lack of goals. I personally respond very well to women who have goals, but not to the ones whose goals matter more than I do. For me, it's yet another setup for "your needs don't matter," so people having strict goals to the point of policing/controlling actually causes me to be cautious and slow waaaaaaaaay down.
@@cornwallismorgan874 I understand that. My DA was one of my closest friends before we started dating and my God this guy has been through the ringer with women, so he has a horrible view on relationships because he's never had a healthy one. Similar situation with me. I remember saying to a mutual friend either we're going to be amazing together or we're going to trigger the shit out of each other and both happened. We've tried 3 times since 2021 and we went from situationship to relationship back to situationship. I initiated leaving all 3 times because my needs weren't being met which are literally the bare minimum. But the year he did ask for a relationship because he knew I was going to leave again. When he told me he asked because he knew it was what I wanted it broke my heart. I want him to be happy and comfortable too. It's not just about me. I was ready to accept that we love each other but we just want different things. Now I'm finally at that point. This year he was talking about moving in together but still mentioned relationships in a negative light and if he can't separate me from his past then I'm not sure what else to do than to leave which I did. Now I'm taking the PDS courses and working on myself.
@@cornwallismorgan874maybe I'm misinterpreting and that's not how you mean it, but to me, having goals (e.g., I expect us to have clarity on our status by an X-month mark, and either become exclusive or stop seeing each other) is really about standards and self-respect, looking out for myself and my own best interest. I wouldn't pressure anyone into being with me if that's not what they want, but I also don't feel like waiting indefinitely. So no matter how much I might like a guy, if he is not ready to commit within a reasonable timeframe, I would move on.
I know this isn't a topic in this video, but what really baffles me is the phantom ex for the DA. Now I have to be jealous and worry about what ex he may be fantasizing about? It could have been me before we entered into a romantic relationship 9 months ago. We've known each other for 10 yrs. Started as friends, then FWB for about a year, then platonic friends for over a year, and now here. And just a few months ago we started to have 'issues'. As an AP I sadly haven't been able to communicate my needs and ended up exploding on him. Now he sees I'm no longer 'perfect' which he may have thought I was once upon a time. Hoping to finally have a heart to hear and start really communicating vulnerably after learning so much from Thais and PDS.
Thanks so much for your awesome videos! I'm learning a lot about my relationships and myself. Unfortunately it didn't save my attempts with a dismissive avoidant (I'm an anxious preoccupied from what I gather) but it did buy us some time and I really saw big improvements on both ends by using the info we learned here!
I agree, so sorry it didn't save your relationship. I'm hoping it will save mine. I definitely think learning this stuff bought me more time as well. How much time remains to be seen. I too am the AP with a DA partner. Fingers crossed. Thais and PDS is beyond fantastic!
This is amazing. Such useful suggestions on how to communicate our needs in a vulnerable way. I realize I have struggled with this for so many years. Really appreciate your content ❤
How do you know if its policing behavior or a genuine red flag ? Like if a partner is always chatting online with the opposite sex , liking thirst trap pics / selfies is it something to be concerned about or is that controlling their behavior?
I heard a saying recently. Let people do what they want to do. If it violates your boundaries then leave. Personally I don't think it's an issue if a guy I'm dating looks at sexy women online so if the guy I'm dating dates you next, he might think it's fine because his ex let him do it. But if it makes you uncomfortable and crosses your boundaries, voice it to him. He'll either stop or keep doing it and you'll have your answer.
I would think this depends on the specifics of the situation. For example, I have many platonic friends of the opposite sex and obviously I chat with them online a lot, like their pictures, etc. They are my friends. They also know I have a partner and it would never occur to me personally to cheat on my partner with them. So I don't see why anyone would police my interactions with my friends. But if your person is chatting with random people on dating apps while being in a relationship with you, that's a different matter. That indicates something isn't right. I think this would need to be addressed directly, by talking to your person and trying to understand why they really do it and explaining to them that it hurts and isn't compatible with your boundaries. I don't think it's controlling if you address it directly. I think "controlling" would be if you tried to make your person to stop interacting in the ways they do. Your job is to determine whether their behavior is acceptable to you or not (whether it indicates a lack of seriousness and commitment or not). And if it's not, then it's up to you to walk away.
I really struggle with the reprogramming because I have little to no experiences of loyalty in my life, particularly when it comes to men. Is it possible to do the reprogramming without these memories, if a person simply doesn't have them?
OH MY GOD! THERE IT IS! "We will control or monitor when we don't know how to directly express" that's me! Nail meet head. I know this is bad but this is my "Aha!" Moment. Finally the missing information is revealed to me. Ok back to the video
Ok. Bit if i ask about something thats important to me..they are always choosing something else. They are busy, they need space, im keeping them from doing what they want. They want no boundaries or restrictions on what important to them. My needs dont get me and theres no compromise.
I was in a relationship with someone who said outright that they didn't care about my needs & feelings & kept withholding affection while starting other relationships where she was really affectionate to them. Whenever one of these relationships hurt her, she'd take it out on me because she said she didn't care if she lost me, but did if she lost them. She was forever making me jump through hoops to hopefully one day earn the right to talk to her and just enjoy her company or maybe one day watch a movie. I was always there when she needed support or someone to listen, but if I did she accused me of having BPD. She accused me to the point where I got assessed but don't. In the end I started policing behavior, in the fact that I created a social media account she didn't know was me because she enjoyed my company on it for a fortnight until she realized. I'd convinced myself after trying every other way to reason with her for over a year & a half that this was the only way to talk to her. To be honest although she said she loved me and insisted she treated me as well as her boyfriends, she didn't & it was. I'd also convinced myself it was okay because I'd found out the name, address & everything she'd told me about herself wasn't real & she was married. I'm the one that's left demonized for the relationship not working because of my crazy actions creating that account. That relationship broke me. How am I supposed to heal whatever it is in me that caused all that? What could I have done better so that it would have worked? I gave everything & changed everything about myself to try to suit, but just kept getting treated worse.
I truly hate myself now. I acted in a way that is so disrespectful because I was in so much pain. She would never have liked me so much if she'd have known it was me & would never have got as close. I massively overstepped her boundaries & as her girlfriend at the time should have known better. I should have known better anyway. I'm utterly ashamed of myself.
She made me feel like I was the only person in the world who wasn't worthy of love & she was angry that I existed & then I acted like I deserved that judgement in the end & lost her forever.
I tried every way I could think of to communicate multiple times & they all got me punished. I have autism, so one of the things she'd punish me for most often was not knowing the correct way to ask her for things in a way where she'd be okay with it & not punish. I tried everything you've suggested in the video. If I expressed anxiety I was punished with further withholding, being shouted at & told me if I didn't change she'd leave me. If I asked for her to check in at any time, she punished me for overstepping boundaries, shouted at me & I was told if I didn't learn to be fully independent & not rely on her as a source of conversation she'd leave me. She punished me all the time for having childhood wounds & said that I needed to deal with all of those so I wouldn't be so affected by things or she'd leave me & again she shouted at me for it a lot. She always insisted that she loved me it was just that I'd do all these things, have all these signs of autism, want to spend time with her & am poor. I tried everything I could think of & tried to get her to talk about what she needed, but everything she said she needed when I did it, it pushed her further away & she'd come back from every silent treatment with a new partner she felt a lot closer to than me. Am I just fundamentally flawed because of my autism?
Your ex girlfriend was abusive. You didn't do anything to make her do all the things you described her doing and there is nothing you can do to make her stop. You are not responsible for her abuse towards you. I'm sorry you went through all of this. Your autism doesn't make you broken and it sounds like she used her knowledge of this against you. Your ex girlfriend sounds highly narcissistic and manipulative. You can't change this. But you can change who you choose to be around in the future.
Great info🥺 Definetly makes me kind of sad as I do this a lot after dealing with serious trust violations from my partner, I’m pretty sure I was FA but with a lot of secure at the beginning of this relationship, Definitely full blown FA now healing and feeling more secure as I go. I think my husband is DA, with some FA tendencies, He’s never been anxious about anything that has to do with me so lol Probably DA, but I have felt deeply connected to him which is what makes me think he has some FA), and committing to me didn’t feel like such a hard thing to do towards the beginning. Question, I’m in the school and I’ve started my reprogramming work. However, what happens when I actually have strong proof that I will be betrayed because I’ve had several experiences where this has actually happened, almost like I’m manifesting what hurts me the most at this point. I’ve noticed myself feeling like I’m fooling myself when trying to reprogram things for which I have proof to feel that way instead of the opposite. Healing has been extremely tumultuous and I feel like I’ve had to go to those policing behaviors as I think he has a core wound about being controlled or trapped. So it has been hard to willingly obtain for him the reassurance I’ve needed to heal from such a trauma. Great video though!
Honestly, I'm a FA and I try and go into each relationship with a clean slate because that's only fair. I expect to be treated the same. Of course triggers happen if something might seem off, but I stop and ask myself why I'm having that thought. Is it something I saw or heard about them or is it just my mind causing me emotional pain because of a past trauma. My ex had a cheating girlfriend before me and he never portrayed any type of insecure behaviors with me even though I'm friends with one of the guys she cheated with! He trusted me and knew that's not the type of woman I am. Same with him. My biggest fear is being in a situationship for the sole purpose of them wanting to keep their options open because that HAS happened to me in the past, so when my DA ex wanted to keep me in an exclusive situationship because of his genuine fears and triggers over relationships, I believe him. That ended up being the reason I left because it wasn't what I wanted, but it wasn't out of mistrust. See what I mean? As for the manifesting, I DO believe this! Lol My DA has a mindset that nothing in his life ever works out and everything and everyone he loves will eventually leave. Because of this he doesn't put both feet into anything or anyone in life and his predictions come true. There's nothing more hurtful than being on the receiving end and loving someone that has this mindset.
@@LeeChrissy Yes, I do see what you mean! I did try to go into the relationship that ended up being my marriage with a clean slate, However I did have those mistrust thoughts and I would ask for reassurance quite often😅. Its weird because he would imply I had trust issues but Inside of me I felt like I trusted him, I just had triggers and didn’t know how to deal with them and that’s when he would say that I guess… Because I did trust him, its why it was traumatizing to have him betray me, since I trusted him so much I married him… however my question is if you’re trying to stay in that relationship rather than leaving, the evidence of trust will be severely shadowed by the betrayal itself if that makes sense, so I’m wondering if it’s impossible.
@@bloomingmeadow are you taking Thais's PDS course? I've only been doing them for a short time, but I definitely think they're worth a shot for you. At least try the free trial. I'm doing the courses to learn how to communicate more efficiently and become more secure. I bet that the courses will help you too. It's hard to relate to what you're saying because even though I've been cheated on and left, I don't hang onto those fears. I pretty much take every thing at face value when it comes to whether something is fact or a fear.
make sure you habe looked at Austism SD and ADHD because RSD may apply and then you are talking a whole different level of pain and methods to help. be kind, don't beat yourself up about your style, find IFS by richard Schwarz and as with everything, stay hydrated ❤
As an AP I have been in relationship with DA gf. I did not police her in spite of previous bad experience in marriage. I was triggered when she refused to give a lip kiss or a hug (even though we met once a week, which is for me actually unacceptable). When she backed off instead, I was shocked, felt humiliated and not wanted. That triggered me to talk about those issues as abnormal and not nice… I felt that I was dealing with a person who is really off and that is a red flag for a relationship…
So you personalized her hesitancy in what you considered normal and now it’s a red flag. Her lack of kissing made YOU feel xyz. Did you bother to ask why or bother to find out her needs? What are her prerequisites that allow her to feel romance and intimacy? I’m not looking for an answer just food for thought…
@@privatename40Valid points and those kinds of questions would yield results with someone who's avoidant but mature. If not, they will receive those questions as criticisms and just detach even harder. Not saying one shouldn't try to communicate, but it's not always a quick fix if the partner isn't ready for that kind of vulnerability
It seems like that the FAs are the ones who need to change in order to meet the needs ot´f the DAs- But the DAs are the most destructive ones in this monkey business.... Please, to allt he FAs out here, most of the DAs arent worht the eggshell-dance
Does this sound like you have done or experienced? Please leave a comment below!
Awesome topic, thank you. This is especially difficult for FAs, who generally are the most likely to suffer from C-PTSD and developmental trauma, because our survival depended on being able to predict peoples' behavior and spot any out-of-character moments as a potential sign of danger. It's hard to let this one go when there is so much uncertainty at the beginning of relationships as to who we're dealing with and whether or not we can trust that a person is who they say they are. I've noticed that the dating landscape does not favor taking one's time to commit- especially if your boundary is not to become physically involved until a commitment is made. The predictable result here for myself, and probably a lot of FAs in their healing process, is that the potential upsides of dating just aren't worth all the headaches involved. I'm well on my way to security and I still could care less about another relationship. The risks of ending up with another toxic or manipulative person- or just another DA, which is just as bad- are too great. I'm getting better at expressing my needs, but finding someone who actually cares about those needs seems to be rare.
When you’re in a relationship with an avoidant the small things are all you have to hold on to
Can you go into detail please
@@ChasecuzoAvoidants dont allow for much vulnerability so their communications with you are very shallow and “small” We are forced as the partner to hold on to the tiny things they choose to give us and interpret them in whatever way we can.
Breadcrumbs?
"we will control and monitor when we dont know how to express"- such a great point!
Ive done nothing but express what i want. I get shut down or they try for a little and stop. Then they want things and im supposed to not restrict them. Sigh
It's been my experience that if you are vulnerable with an avoidant and express your need for reassurance and help, the response is: "That's ridiculous. I shouldn't have to reassure you. I'm not here to protect or help you. Get over it."
Work on yourself and get out while you can.
Correct. They leave with you the feeling of uncertainty by their erratic and inconsistent behaviors and when you politely ask them for reassurance, they turn it around on you and accuse you of suffocating them.
The only way to have a relationship with these people is not to have a relationship with them.
This is so true! I also did this in friendships and I gave big meanings to small things. I noticed the “I will be betrayed”core wound was the primary issue among with others.
Thank you for sharing your experience ❤
I may have been an avoidant 10 years ago because I couldn't handle a relationship (so I didn't enter into one) but I'm ready for one now. Not only does the past affect us but our present life situation. You have to get rid of the past and grow and learn from it. The woman I like may have had a tough time. Maybe she's coming out of being an avoidant and wants to live a normal life and trust and love someone and have them love her back. So for some there is room for health and healing it's not a life sentence.
My background is in psych (MS in Clinical ) and I think you are excellent in your specialty . Nice job . You articulate nicely and get the concepts /understanding across very clearly .
I loved this piece!
1. You helped me realize I have a trigger around policing behavior.
2. Your explanation of the process of core wound reprogramming was enlightening
Omg this explained me so well.. if only i saw this video a month ago. My girl broke things off with me cuz of my FA traits
I'm FA leaning DA according to the quiz but do not recognize myself in this, I think I might want to do policing behaviour but rather I block all information/social media etc so I know as little as possible about the life of the one I like. To protect my heart from harm I guess.
❤
Some FAs check people’s phones? This is surprising to me. As an FA, I have such a strong stance on betrayal that I’d never do that because it would open the door for someone else to do it to me. If a partner or friend was checking my phone behind my back, I’d cut that tie immediately. I do lean DA on the FA spectrum, so maybe that makes a difference.
One of best to articulate concepts related to our attachment styles. Keep up the great work Thais
Thank you!! Glad this one resonted with you ❤
This absolutely was me before I discovered PDS and I'm thinking perhaps it may still be an issue but on a smaller scale, something that I'm aware of and fighting but still have a tendency towards doing. I obviously need to do more work on my core wound of being abandoned and not trusting, which are products of my actually being betrayed in a long time marriage. This is so very helpful. Thank you, Thais, for the reminder of what I need to be watching for in myself and working on correcting.
This is tricky for me because it happens in the very beginning of dating. When you can't share vulnerable and make a wish for things. Feel so stupid about this. I guess it's about being able to tolerate the emotions, the reaction in the nervous system.
Oh so nice to at least having been secure in this sense, never checked anyone's phone, their social media, etc. I walk on rather silent eggshells, have boundaries for my own behaviour. But yes I do have the typical AP fear that a man will leave me for someone else, abandonment.
I have experienced some worried or policing men though
Thais, you have helped me so much this past months after I started watching your content here and doing the PDS. It's like I finally understand why I do what I do. It's difficult to deal with this but I feel better now that I have the knowledge to change this behaviors. Keep up with this amazing content. You are helping a lot of people!
One for the algo. Thank you!
❤
I'd like to also say that not only are the tools so invaluable as you teach them, but even your explanations of what is going on within me and why I do what I do in response is so helpful. So often I just had no clue! Your explanations set me up for being able to actually do the work that brings the healing. Again, thank you!
Grateful for you and all of your knowledge & experience. Thank you for sharing so much information with us.
❤
how can I reprogram certain wounds when I can't find memories that oppose that belief?
Awesome topic, thank you. This is especially difficult for FAs, who generally are the most likely to suffer from C-PTSD and developmental trauma, because our survival depended on being able to predict peoples' behavior and spot any out-of-character moments as a potential sign of danger. It's hard to let this one go when there is so much uncertainty at the beginning of relationships as to who we're dealing with and whether or not we can trust that a person is who they say they are. I've noticed that the dating landscape does not favor taking one's time to commit- especially if your boundary is not to become physically involved until a commitment is made. The predictable result here for myself, and probably a lot of FAs in their healing process, is that the potential upsides of dating just aren't worth all the headaches involved. I'm well on my way to security and I still could care less about another relationship. The risks of ending up with another toxic or manipulative person- or just another DA, which is just as bad- are too great. I'm getting better at expressing my needs, but finding someone who actually cares about those needs seems to be rare.
I notice the same issues as well. I'm a healed DA and find that APs and FAs pressure the hell out of me to jump right into a relationship, then get mad when I decline or just ignore me when I say I don't want to date right away (actually had to file a police report this morning because of this). I really think it takes time to build a relationship and people need to be able to slow down and let it happen. I'm done with dating because of it.
@@cornwallismorgan874 yikes, sorry about the stress of having to file a police report. I've been there and it's not fun.
So I agree with taking time to build a relationship, but with some sort of time-line or at least checking in every now and then to make sure you're both heading in the same direction. There's nothing worse than wasting time with someone who is just coasting with you without any type of future plan. We don't all operate that way. It also sucks when you're turning down other offers to stick by a person who's unsure. I've known soooo many people who like to keep a single status so they can keep their options open or see other people and that's super triggering for some.
I'm a FA and 3 to 6 months is my limit with how long I'll casually date someone before I decide if I'm not interested in pursuing it or wait for the other person to decide whether we're moving forward or not. Situationships are terrible to me and if my ex DA had a choice he would've had us in one forever. He also feared relationships and thought of them as these massive hurdles when in my view you become official and if it works it works and if it doesn't then you break up. After a certain amount of time of casual dating, I have no desire to keep investing and I generally leave.
@@LeeChrissy Yeah, I don't like situationships either. They're awful. Even operating as primarily DA earlier on, I found them intolerable and wouldn't subject others to them. I've always been okay with having relationships, but I find that women are generally too flippant with them and I don't even factor in. I too consider relationships as massive hurdles because of that alone, and will give it a maximum of 3 months before I leave if no improvement is made.
I fully agree with your idea of timelines and checking in; I think too many people operate without a sense of urgency and with a lack of goals. I personally respond very well to women who have goals, but not to the ones whose goals matter more than I do. For me, it's yet another setup for "your needs don't matter," so people having strict goals to the point of policing/controlling actually causes me to be cautious and slow waaaaaaaaay down.
@@cornwallismorgan874 I understand that. My DA was one of my closest friends before we started dating and my God this guy has been through the ringer with women, so he has a horrible view on relationships because he's never had a healthy one. Similar situation with me. I remember saying to a mutual friend either we're going to be amazing together or we're going to trigger the shit out of each other and both happened. We've tried 3 times since 2021 and we went from situationship to relationship back to situationship. I initiated leaving all 3 times because my needs weren't being met which are literally the bare minimum. But the year he did ask for a relationship because he knew I was going to leave again. When he told me he asked because he knew it was what I wanted it broke my heart. I want him to be happy and comfortable too. It's not just about me. I was ready to accept that we love each other but we just want different things. Now I'm finally at that point. This year he was talking about moving in together but still mentioned relationships in a negative light and if he can't separate me from his past then I'm not sure what else to do than to leave which I did. Now I'm taking the PDS courses and working on myself.
@@cornwallismorgan874maybe I'm misinterpreting and that's not how you mean it, but to me, having goals (e.g., I expect us to have clarity on our status by an X-month mark, and either become exclusive or stop seeing each other) is really about standards and self-respect, looking out for myself and my own best interest. I wouldn't pressure anyone into being with me if that's not what they want, but I also don't feel like waiting indefinitely. So no matter how much I might like a guy, if he is not ready to commit within a reasonable timeframe, I would move on.
I know this isn't a topic in this video, but what really baffles me is the phantom ex for the DA. Now I have to be jealous and worry about what ex he may be fantasizing about? It could have been me before we entered into a romantic relationship 9 months ago. We've known each other for 10 yrs. Started as friends, then FWB for about a year, then platonic friends for over a year, and now here. And just a few months ago we started to have 'issues'. As an AP I sadly haven't been able to communicate my needs and ended up exploding on him. Now he sees I'm no longer 'perfect' which he may have thought I was once upon a time. Hoping to finally have a heart to hear and start really communicating vulnerably after learning so much from Thais and PDS.
Thanks so much for your awesome videos! I'm learning a lot about my relationships and myself. Unfortunately it didn't save my attempts with a dismissive avoidant (I'm an anxious preoccupied from what I gather) but it did buy us some time and I really saw big improvements on both ends by using the info we learned here!
I agree, so sorry it didn't save your relationship. I'm hoping it will save mine. I definitely think learning this stuff bought me more time as well. How much time remains to be seen. I too am the AP with a DA partner. Fingers crossed. Thais and PDS is beyond fantastic!
This is amazing. Such useful suggestions on how to communicate our needs in a vulnerable way. I realize I have struggled with this for so many years. Really appreciate your content ❤
Thank you Thais, this is helpful... i'm guilty of doing that...
How do you know if its policing behavior or a genuine red flag ? Like if a partner is always chatting online with the opposite sex , liking thirst trap pics / selfies is it something to be concerned about or is that controlling their behavior?
I heard a saying recently. Let people do what they want to do. If it violates your boundaries then leave. Personally I don't think it's an issue if a guy I'm dating looks at sexy women online so if the guy I'm dating dates you next, he might think it's fine because his ex let him do it. But if it makes you uncomfortable and crosses your boundaries, voice it to him. He'll either stop or keep doing it and you'll have your answer.
I would think this depends on the specifics of the situation. For example, I have many platonic friends of the opposite sex and obviously I chat with them online a lot, like their pictures, etc. They are my friends. They also know I have a partner and it would never occur to me personally to cheat on my partner with them. So I don't see why anyone would police my interactions with my friends.
But if your person is chatting with random people on dating apps while being in a relationship with you, that's a different matter. That indicates something isn't right. I think this would need to be addressed directly, by talking to your person and trying to understand why they really do it and explaining to them that it hurts and isn't compatible with your boundaries. I don't think it's controlling if you address it directly. I think "controlling" would be if you tried to make your person to stop interacting in the ways they do. Your job is to determine whether their behavior is acceptable to you or not (whether it indicates a lack of seriousness and commitment or not). And if it's not, then it's up to you to walk away.
Thanks!
You are appreciated.
Thanks for sharing your time and energy
I really struggle with the reprogramming because I have little to no experiences of loyalty in my life, particularly when it comes to men. Is it possible to do the reprogramming without these memories, if a person simply doesn't have them?
Loyal men do exist out there. In fact, there are plenty of men out there struggling with the same issue- feeling that women cannot be trusted.
OH MY GOD! THERE IT IS! "We will control or monitor when we don't know how to directly express" that's me! Nail meet head. I know this is bad but this is my "Aha!" Moment. Finally the missing information is revealed to me. Ok back to the video
Thank you!
these are great tips
Perfect timings!
Ok. Bit if i ask about something thats important to me..they are always choosing something else. They are busy, they need space, im keeping them from doing what they want. They want no boundaries or restrictions on what important to them. My needs dont get me and theres no compromise.
I was in a relationship with someone who said outright that they didn't care about my needs & feelings & kept withholding affection while starting other relationships where she was really affectionate to them. Whenever one of these relationships hurt her, she'd take it out on me because she said she didn't care if she lost me, but did if she lost them. She was forever making me jump through hoops to hopefully one day earn the right to talk to her and just enjoy her company or maybe one day watch a movie. I was always there when she needed support or someone to listen, but if I did she accused me of having BPD. She accused me to the point where I got assessed but don't. In the end I started policing behavior, in the fact that I created a social media account she didn't know was me because she enjoyed my company on it for a fortnight until she realized. I'd convinced myself after trying every other way to reason with her for over a year & a half that this was the only way to talk to her. To be honest although she said she loved me and insisted she treated me as well as her boyfriends, she didn't & it was. I'd also convinced myself it was okay because I'd found out the name, address & everything she'd told me about herself wasn't real & she was married. I'm the one that's left demonized for the relationship not working because of my crazy actions creating that account. That relationship broke me. How am I supposed to heal whatever it is in me that caused all that? What could I have done better so that it would have worked? I gave everything & changed everything about myself to try to suit, but just kept getting treated worse.
I truly hate myself now. I acted in a way that is so disrespectful because I was in so much pain. She would never have liked me so much if she'd have known it was me & would never have got as close. I massively overstepped her boundaries & as her girlfriend at the time should have known better. I should have known better anyway. I'm utterly ashamed of myself.
She made me feel like I was the only person in the world who wasn't worthy of love & she was angry that I existed & then I acted like I deserved that judgement in the end & lost her forever.
I tried every way I could think of to communicate multiple times & they all got me punished. I have autism, so one of the things she'd punish me for most often was not knowing the correct way to ask her for things in a way where she'd be okay with it & not punish. I tried everything you've suggested in the video.
If I expressed anxiety I was punished with further withholding, being shouted at & told me if I didn't change she'd leave me.
If I asked for her to check in at any time, she punished me for overstepping boundaries, shouted at me & I was told if I didn't learn to be fully independent & not rely on her as a source of conversation she'd leave me.
She punished me all the time for having childhood wounds & said that I needed to deal with all of those so I wouldn't be so affected by things or she'd leave me & again she shouted at me for it a lot.
She always insisted that she loved me it was just that I'd do all these things, have all these signs of autism, want to spend time with her & am poor. I tried everything I could think of & tried to get her to talk about what she needed, but everything she said she needed when I did it, it pushed her further away & she'd come back from every silent treatment with a new partner she felt a lot closer to than me. Am I just fundamentally flawed because of my autism?
Your ex girlfriend was abusive. You didn't do anything to make her do all the things you described her doing and there is nothing you can do to make her stop. You are not responsible for her abuse towards you. I'm sorry you went through all of this. Your autism doesn't make you broken and it sounds like she used her knowledge of this against you. Your ex girlfriend sounds highly narcissistic and manipulative. You can't change this. But you can change who you choose to be around in the future.
Totally agree with the above statement. Not your fault at all. Don't change who you are to suit someone else.
Great info🥺 Definetly makes me kind of sad as I do this a lot after dealing with serious trust violations from my partner, I’m pretty sure I was FA but with a lot of secure at the beginning of this relationship, Definitely full blown FA now healing and feeling more secure as I go.
I think my husband is DA, with some FA tendencies, He’s never been anxious about anything that has to do with me so lol Probably DA, but I have felt deeply connected to him which is what makes me think he has some FA), and committing to me didn’t feel like such a hard thing to do towards the beginning.
Question, I’m in the school and I’ve started my reprogramming work. However, what happens when I actually have strong proof that I will be betrayed because I’ve had several experiences where this has actually happened, almost like I’m manifesting what hurts me the most at this point. I’ve noticed myself feeling like I’m fooling myself when trying to reprogram things for which I have proof to feel that way instead of the opposite.
Healing has been extremely tumultuous and I feel like I’ve had to go to those policing behaviors as I think he has a core wound about being controlled or trapped. So it has been hard to willingly obtain for him the reassurance I’ve needed to heal from such a trauma. Great video though!
Honestly, I'm a FA and I try and go into each relationship with a clean slate because that's only fair. I expect to be treated the same. Of course triggers happen if something might seem off, but I stop and ask myself why I'm having that thought. Is it something I saw or heard about them or is it just my mind causing me emotional pain because of a past trauma. My ex had a cheating girlfriend before me and he never portrayed any type of insecure behaviors with me even though I'm friends with one of the guys she cheated with! He trusted me and knew that's not the type of woman I am. Same with him. My biggest fear is being in a situationship for the sole purpose of them wanting to keep their options open because that HAS happened to me in the past, so when my DA ex wanted to keep me in an exclusive situationship because of his genuine fears and triggers over relationships, I believe him. That ended up being the reason I left because it wasn't what I wanted, but it wasn't out of mistrust. See what I mean?
As for the manifesting, I DO believe this! Lol My DA has a mindset that nothing in his life ever works out and everything and everyone he loves will eventually leave. Because of this he doesn't put both feet into anything or anyone in life and his predictions come true. There's nothing more hurtful than being on the receiving end and loving someone that has this mindset.
@@LeeChrissy Yes, I do see what you mean! I did try to go into the relationship that ended up being my marriage with a clean slate, However I did have those mistrust thoughts and I would ask for reassurance quite often😅. Its weird because he would imply I had trust issues but Inside of me I felt like I trusted him, I just had triggers and didn’t know how to deal with them and that’s when he would say that I guess…
Because I did trust him, its why it was traumatizing to have him betray me, since I trusted him so much I married him… however my question is if you’re trying to stay in that relationship rather than leaving, the evidence of trust will be severely shadowed by the betrayal itself if that makes sense, so I’m wondering if it’s impossible.
@@bloomingmeadow are you taking Thais's PDS course? I've only been doing them for a short time, but I definitely think they're worth a shot for you. At least try the free trial. I'm doing the courses to learn how to communicate more efficiently and become more secure. I bet that the courses will help you too. It's hard to relate to what you're saying because even though I've been cheated on and left, I don't hang onto those fears. I pretty much take every thing at face value when it comes to whether something is fact or a fear.
make sure you habe looked at Austism SD and ADHD because RSD may apply and then you are talking a whole different level of pain and methods to help. be kind, don't beat yourself up about your style, find IFS by richard Schwarz and as with everything, stay hydrated ❤
Argh, this is so good! Thank you! 🙏🙏
I found this video really confusing
Don't waste your mental health on an avoidant. They will not meet the basic needs of a relationship. They are users. Like ticks. They just hang on.
As an AP I have been in relationship with DA gf. I did not police her in spite of previous bad experience in marriage. I was triggered when she refused to give a lip kiss or a hug (even though we met once a week, which is for me actually unacceptable). When she backed off instead, I was shocked, felt humiliated and not wanted. That triggered me to talk about those issues as abnormal and not nice… I felt that I was dealing with a person who is really off and that is a red flag for a relationship…
So you personalized her hesitancy in what you considered normal and now it’s a red flag. Her lack of kissing made YOU feel xyz.
Did you bother to ask why or bother to find out her needs? What are her prerequisites that allow her to feel romance and intimacy? I’m not looking for an answer just food for thought…
@@privatename40Valid points and those kinds of questions would yield results with someone who's avoidant but mature. If not, they will receive those questions as criticisms and just detach even harder. Not saying one shouldn't try to communicate, but it's not always a quick fix if the partner isn't ready for that kind of vulnerability
Dammit I ruined my relationship because of this I hate myself I can’t believe it
It seems like that the FAs are the ones who need to change in order to meet the needs ot´f the DAs- But the DAs are the most destructive ones in this monkey business.... Please, to allt he FAs out here, most of the DAs arent worht the eggshell-dance
Woof, Woof,
A furry in the wild?!?!