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The one person you should date

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  • Опубліковано 7 вер 2022
  • Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring today's video! Head to www.squarespac... to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code ANNA
    thank you for your support! / annaakana
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    Spotify: spoti.fi/2MvmYjE
    starring -
    Melissa Macedo
    / melissamacedom
    Michelle Macedo
    / michellemacedom
    shot by John Lee
    / johnleestills
    grip - Melissa Gasca
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    sound - Jason Mobley
    edited by Timothy Hautekiet
    / @timh
    gfx by Bethany Radloff
    / bethberad

КОМЕНТАРІ • 540

  • @shimmerisle
    @shimmerisle Рік тому +1989

    Not everyone can afford therapy, but being with someone focused on personal growth through self reflection is so important. There are also many mediocre therapists out there

    • @duskshadow25
      @duskshadow25 Рік тому +34

      You don't need to be in a therapy to have a successful relationship. My parents have been married for 30+ years and they don't even have a ring and never went to a therapy either. Yeah, they argue from time to time, but at the end of day, they forgive and move on because relationship is not worth lingering over the small arguments. You don't need someone else to tell you how screwed up your relationship is. If you need someone else to tell you that, then this individual lack common sense. A lot of these are just common sense and you just have to think about it logically and think on how it makes you feel or react.
      It really just comes down to how you communicate with your partner. If it makes you feel certain way, you need to advocate in a way that they can receive and understand. There needs to be a progression of changes if it's something bothering you; otherwise, it'll break apart. You don't need to go to therapist for these kind of things, unless you're both just mentally incapable of determining what's right vs. wrong to you and others.
      There's always friends and family if you want to look for a third person perspective. A lot of times your family and friends will tell you things you may not notice about your relationship, so I would definitely consider those as well. You don't have to follow and do what they say, but I would definitely take those into consideration and pay attention to the things they mention to you about your relationship. That way, you can look for those things when actually do happen and go from there.

    • @Araretoy
      @Araretoy Рік тому +7

      My therapist is I. Lasagna. Mmmmm the Italian sausage wrapped around the garlic laden mixture of cheese and tomato sauce... Yes. It's quite therapeutic and always has time for me. :)
      Ok. All joking aside, it is important to evaluate your relationship as it develops. Not sure if a 3rd person is required but you give out all good points.

    • @avs172
      @avs172 Рік тому +4

      Fr, I need to be my own therapist

    • @anonymm6809
      @anonymm6809 Рік тому +7

      Move to germany, we have a good health care system and most people can fluently speak english, so you will get trough with only english in a bigger city

    • @monkeysk8er33
      @monkeysk8er33 Рік тому +6

      Not enough people value self reflection. I do it every day, because that's the only way to consistently grow.

  • @Chadblock
    @Chadblock Рік тому +783

    This just made me even more positive that I'm with the person I want. She's really smart and we both agree on boundaries in the relationship.

    • @pez4
      @pez4 Рік тому +12

      Very cool Chadblock

    • @moveon1830
      @moveon1830 Рік тому +8

      I'm happy for you

    • @duskshadow25
      @duskshadow25 Рік тому +2

      All those go down the drain when you're 10 years into the marriage and they fart under the blanket and you just gotta deal with it while they sometime also forget to flush the toilet.

    • @chillaxTF
      @chillaxTF Рік тому +22

      Blink twice if she's holding you hostage and made you write this.

    • @serenityssolace
      @serenityssolace Рік тому +7

      @@sleepyash00 It's humor dude. Relax

  • @ribby109
    @ribby109 Рік тому +771

    Someone doesn’t need to be in actual therapy to be committed to working on themselves and being a better person. This can look like so many different things. Therapy is expensive AF and insurance if you even have it is so iffy. my partner and I can’t afford it right now but we are definitely committed to becoming better people and we look at ourselves critically every single day.

    • @serenityssolace
      @serenityssolace Рік тому +22

      Exactly. Also you usually go to therapy to find help about problem you have with yourself or with your partner together if you are in a relationship. Someone who just has flaws doesn't have to go to therapy to improve themselves. No need for everything to be spoonfed to us. I think that's just a smart way to condition/groom people into thinking that only therapy can do that and so therapists make more money

    • @victorledezma6652
      @victorledezma6652 Рік тому +4

      Agreed

    • @JohnM-ch4to
      @JohnM-ch4to Рік тому +3

      @Task Master isn’t that kinda like self prescription though…

    • @serenityssolace
      @serenityssolace Рік тому

      @Task Master Preach!

    • @Vivi_9
      @Vivi_9 Рік тому +8

      I think being open to therapy or having a history of having had therapy is important when looking for a partner but looking specifically for someone who is currently in therapy?! What a dumb requirement

  • @mrspinky13560
    @mrspinky13560 Рік тому +215

    One big thing I learned from my last relationship (which was fraught with conflict, on and off situationship, etc) is that someone who doesn’t take care of themselves (physically or emotionally) most likely won’t be able to take care of their relationships in a authentic or healthy way as well.

    • @mollusckscramp4124
      @mollusckscramp4124 Рік тому +5

      Absolutely true. You can't take care of anyone else until you learn to take care of yourself.

    • @godnyx117
      @godnyx117 Рік тому

      My mother told me exactly that on why I should not date fat girls. Great advice and it's true 99% of the times!

  • @ForButAgainst
    @ForButAgainst Рік тому +350

    "It's not unreasonable to want that in someone else" - thank you for this! I am in therapy (over 2 yrs) and I was in a relationship with someone who didn't want to grow in any way and I accused myself of wanting "too much" or having too high expectations. Now I know it wasn't too much to ask. I needed that validation ❤

    • @finnkuudere3516
      @finnkuudere3516 Рік тому +7

      I'm replying to you because no on replies to me and hey, you're worth it!

    • @ForButAgainst
      @ForButAgainst Рік тому +1

      @@finnkuudere3516 Awww, thank you!

    • @Joshuatree7746
      @Joshuatree7746 Рік тому +1

      You are wrong. Unless you can fulfill those expectations yourself then you should NOT put that burden on others. Thus, why you’re still in therapy.

    • @mollusckscramp4124
      @mollusckscramp4124 Рік тому +6

      @@Joshuatree7746 This is completely faulty logic. The old doctrine of "Look for these qualities in yourself, not other people" is an entirely outdated mindset and the breeding ground for toxic and emotionally unfulfilling relationships. Like Anna said, it's not too much to ask, and the people who tend to say otherwise are far more likely not to show up as self-committed in relationships in the first place.

    • @mollusckscramp4124
      @mollusckscramp4124 Рік тому +3

      @@Joshuatree7746 Also, don't demonise therapy. What are you, 60?

  • @priyankadeyray243
    @priyankadeyray243 Рік тому +107

    The only one I would date who has self awareness, who has growth mindset, who wants to understand his triggers, who is immensely empathetic

  • @TowerJunkie
    @TowerJunkie Рік тому +138

    I can vouch for it! My partner is committed to always be open minded about how he can bring his best to our relationship. I am as well. We each keep our individual wellbeing at #1 so we can make a stronger pair as individuals. We both had very codependent relationships in the past and were unaware of how toxic it all was. I feel the most free and at the same time the most secure within this relationship. Feeling safe for the first time at 46 was revolutionary for me… I had not been made to feel safe until then.
    Your insights and flawless wit are so spot on Anna! Thank you for sharing yourself with us!

    • @dianapop6054
      @dianapop6054 Рік тому +6

      This is beautiful, and I have a similar background but I’m still in the healing phase so I’m hopeful I can find something like this. Happy for you!!

    • @tdesq.2463
      @tdesq.2463 Рік тому +4

      Sounds like You're living that which is affectionately referred to as: The Good Life.
      Good for You! ... Both of You! 👍💪

    • @tdesq.2463
      @tdesq.2463 Рік тому +1

      @@dianapop6054 You've definitely got the right mindset! You'll get there soon.

  • @talideon
    @talideon Рік тому +24

    The one thing to keep in mind is that we shouldn't necessarily focus on finding somebody who's at the end of that journey, but somebody who's making active steps along it. None of us are perfect, and the best we can hope for is people who are trying to be better, because we can at best expect that of others for ourselves.

    • @Samellon
      @Samellon Рік тому +1

      Well said!

    • @lyinbobbycottonseed
      @lyinbobbycottonseed 4 місяці тому

      Well said, and the key is that they are not just talking about the journey to improve, or reading books about it - you can actually witness it in their actions as time goes along

  • @alancheng6206
    @alancheng6206 Рік тому +22

    I think being with someone who's self aware and is open-minded to changing is super important.

  • @amara560
    @amara560 Рік тому +14

    A growth mindset is so important. A potential partner once told me they didn't care for self development. You are so right this person kept complaining about things that were in their power to change. This person also seemed to looove arguing. Glad that didn't lead to an actual relationship. Bullet dodged.

  • @psylentknight
    @psylentknight Рік тому +29

    This is more proof that I've been on a better path of self-discovery than I've ever been. My person and I have grown closer because we're on the same emotional growth paths, and it's been the best romantic connection we've ever had.

  • @DaedNevar
    @DaedNevar Рік тому +26

    i appreciate the self reflection these videos grant/impose onto me. i know ill never be READY ready for a relationship, but they help me realize im not ready to jump into one. im not happy with the current state of myself and how id be presenting that to someone else, im not someone id want right now, but i will be. in time.

    • @goodgriefff
      @goodgriefff Рік тому +7

      Self growth is always happening if we allow ourselves to take note and thrive with it. Its okay to say you’re not ready to give your best self to someone else right now because you have work to do. Im cheering you on in your journey!

    • @dandarr5035
      @dandarr5035 Рік тому

      I've been in the same boat over the past two years. Although now, I have the problem of feeling at least somewhat ready to attempt getting into a committed relationship, but I have no clue where to go in order to get my foot in the door. It doesn't help that I've never been in a romantic relationship before, have rarely actively sought out such relationships, and have rarely ever been approached in this context before. Maybe it has to do with my refusal to use certain avenues of meeting people (Tinder being the most prominent one)...

  • @emilys.heather5089
    @emilys.heather5089 Рік тому +39

    I LITERALLY WAS JUSTTT ASKING MYSELF IF I SHOULD DATE THEM

    • @yngstix
      @yngstix Рік тому +3

      Do it Emily do it

    • @flamingaish
      @flamingaish Рік тому +3

      what'd you decide?

    • @o.b.c.6377
      @o.b.c.6377 Рік тому +2

      Mee too, i really like her but she got all the red flags anna mentioned, but i really like her and i miss her all the time

    • @emilys.heather5089
      @emilys.heather5089 Рік тому +1

      @@yngstix imma shoot my shot

    • @emilys.heather5089
      @emilys.heather5089 Рік тому +2

      @@flamingaish giving chances

  • @deburke321
    @deburke321 Рік тому +42

    I love your perspective on things I feel like I’ve learned a lot watching your videos, keep killing it Anna 💕

  • @michaelfedora
    @michaelfedora Рік тому +14

    I like how she's said "speaking kindly to themselves and others MOST OF THE TIME" I see what you did there Anna ;)

  • @laviniasnow4494
    @laviniasnow4494 Рік тому +21

    “Daddy Squarespace” is the only expression in which I accept “daddy” used with that certain meaning. 😅

  • @MagnificentDeeProd
    @MagnificentDeeProd Рік тому +119

    Your timing is impeccable Miss Akana. I just started a relationship with someone who is working on themselves and she wants to help me grow in my own ways as well. I currently live in Japan (which btw, would love to pick your brain about Japanese culture if you're willing). Thank you for ensuring me I'm dating the right woman Anna.

  • @jenniferbates2811
    @jenniferbates2811 Рік тому +15

    Please understand that our mental, physical, emotional and sexual health are ALL connected.
    Relationships with other humans are beautiful, but the only Relationship that is the most important is with yourself. "Successful" relationships aren't time based, because quality doesn't equal quantity.
    Relationships are about growth as individuals, then together. It's ok for Relationships to end as well. Every human grows and mature differently.
    A couple of great books to read or listen to:
    "The Body Keeps The Score"
    By. Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk.
    " Controlling People"
    Dr. Patricia Evans.

  • @alicialloyd5537
    @alicialloyd5537 Рік тому +1

    Triggered by all the points of someone that doesn't self commit because I absolutely knew that person and I couldn't continue to be around them anymore. It's nice to have a name for it

  • @theillennials5263
    @theillennials5263 Рік тому +22

    Partnership is trigger city, Baby 😂

  • @sealwhiskers3515
    @sealwhiskers3515 Рік тому +7

    Love this phrase self-commitment. My biggest reason for looking for that is because it means the other person also understands that it's not my responsibility nor do I owe it to them to clean up their side of the street. The biggest thing that I find comes out of that is respect for other people, to both not demand they clean someone else's street, and leaving them to do to their own street what they want.

  • @MayAstrid
    @MayAstrid Рік тому +2

    This breaks my heart. My boyfriend doesn't have a growth mindset at all, and it scares me so much because I love him but I don't see any evolution for our relationship. I feel stuck with him more and more frequently.

    • @MayAstrid
      @MayAstrid Рік тому

      @@kickseek no but can someone with a growth mindset have a fulfilling relationship with someone "being happy who they are"?

    • @MayAstrid
      @MayAstrid Рік тому

      @@kickseek my question is: is a long fulfilling relationship possible between someone who's into self improvement and the other person not?

  • @Wannabe-Cyborg
    @Wannabe-Cyborg Рік тому +5

    Thanks for helping me realize the last person I was dating was in fact emotionally unavailable, had an inability to take emotional accountability, and a lack of self reflection, because I’ve been beating myself up for months thinking I screwed things up when really, she just couldn’t handle the conflict that came up (and didn’t even really try)

    • @shainnolia2882
      @shainnolia2882 Рік тому +3

      Same my previous relationship was also emotionally unavailable & he wasn’t committed to have me in his life. However, I hope you find peace & forgive yourself cause life goes on without that person. Also, there’s a lot more things that the world can offer for you rather than just one person. Just keep going & I hope the right person will come along! 🌻

  • @Alex-wo1bs
    @Alex-wo1bs Рік тому +9

    YES YES YES YES YES
    on the last two years I've been on two different relationships where this wasnt the case and all the points you said hit hard. I was starting to worry that there would be noone akin to me enough to be in a longterm relationship but knowing this specific trait to look for gives me so much hope, thanks Anna!!💙

  • @yiravarga
    @yiravarga Рік тому +20

    Thanks. This validates and diminishes the fears I have with relationships. They do act as a mirror, and usually, it is facing the own self that is the most mortifying and painful. I don’t avoid relationships out of fear or conflict. I avoid them because I don’t want to see or know myself.

  • @heatherclark2701
    @heatherclark2701 Рік тому +7

    My partner is in the growth mindset and I've recognized they are a great person to be in a relationship with. The hard part is I'm still trying to get myself to adopt the growth mindset and we trigger each other a lot

    • @ryanciani3324
      @ryanciani3324 Місяць тому

      what does a partner have to do with this?

  • @TrueGuyT
    @TrueGuyT Рік тому +6

    You just made me feel good about myself.
    I do have my insecurities and I've never found love to this day (age 34),
    but I do answer almost your entire checklist.
    Emotional Availability remains my greatess weakness,
    But not for long.

  • @grayisgone
    @grayisgone Рік тому +3

    i like how these videos are weirdly specific to whatever dilemma i’m in at that exact moment in time

  • @kylebluch
    @kylebluch Рік тому +3

    Great quote I need to remember in my daily living is from I think Richard Rohr? Yeah
    We do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking.
    Same for relationships like mentioned at the beginning. The best way to learn is to learn from experience

  • @ArtemimiOCE
    @ArtemimiOCE Рік тому +9

    Oohh I've been curious on what type of people we should be around especially in serious partners

  • @jasminea.1401
    @jasminea.1401 Рік тому +3

    "Partnership is a trigger city" and I couldn't agree more. And yeah we mostly like/attracted to someone with some familiarity, so we could see a part of us in them sometimes.

    • @ryanciani3324
      @ryanciani3324 Місяць тому

      this has nothingto do with partnerships

  • @HatesRacists
    @HatesRacists Рік тому +2

    Why would your therapist tell you someone should be in therapy just because you are? What if they've already worked through their stuff or didn't have stuff to work through? She's telling you to project your issues on to others or she thinks someone is going to need therapy if they're with you.

  • @ArtAnime5
    @ArtAnime5 Рік тому +3

    NGL this is the first time I've watched a YT promo. That "Daddy" Squarespace had me spit my coffee out

  • @chazzyloveee
    @chazzyloveee Рік тому +6

    I feel like the datable people Anna described are the ones who are single because everyone else is broken and settles into relationships. I noticed that as I work on myself, the people around me seem less datable because they are not at the same level of self actualisation as I am.

    • @Ikaros23
      @Ikaros23 Рік тому +2

      just remember to stay humble, and not turn into a narcissist. You are just a human.

  • @Joshits
    @Joshits 11 місяців тому +2

    Thank you Anna. We love you. I love you! You are awesome. You help me out a lot. Thanks for being our friend, when we need a friend.

  • @chen-ql5ud
    @chen-ql5ud Рік тому +5

    "the one person you should date, DADDY SQURESPACE" i snorted

  • @Andrejr316
    @Andrejr316 Рік тому +4

    Self love and introspection is the key 🔑 you have to find yourself before chasing friends or a partner 💯💯💯

  • @AUnicorn666
    @AUnicorn666 Рік тому +2

    personally im dating someone who isnt self commited (depression and dysphoria) but we dont argue much, its not difficult to navigate, and we communicate a lot (they dont communicate as well as i do but they do pretty well =)

  • @mita8229
    @mita8229 Рік тому +1

    I'm glad I got to watch this. It's hard for me to commit to a regular exercise routine because of fear that it won't make any difference even if I do it everyday, but this changed my mind. I want to be better for myself so in turn, I can treat all of the people around me better too, especially my wife. Thank you so much for this.

  • @jaygarcia6079
    @jaygarcia6079 Рік тому +1

    Lots of people will say they are doing self care, growth, but saying it and doing it are two different things

    • @goodgriefff
      @goodgriefff Рік тому

      Preach, jay

    • @jaygarcia6079
      @jaygarcia6079 Рік тому +1

      @@goodgriefff a lot of the times people will say what you want to hear to let your guard down so they can get what they want from you. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to see them working on themselves on their own not looking for a relationship, after that if theirs chemistry it’ll do it’s thing naturally

  • @robe.2424
    @robe.2424 Рік тому +1

    Therapy is very beneficial. I think the problem with our society is they often assume therapy automatically means someone is “crazy” but therapy is actually very constructive especially if you have issues trusting family with sensitive topics.
    I’m glad she covered this because it’s extremely helpful.

    • @Ikaros23
      @Ikaros23 Рік тому +1

      You can be 100% sure that the people who think that people who go to therapy are crazy. Are either judgemental ( assholes), or ignorant. That is this is the type of person to stay away from. If they judge others, you can be sure that they are going to also judge you. Often they also have self esteem issues and turn that same nagging voice on them self to.

  • @megamagicmonkey
    @megamagicmonkey Рік тому

    As someone whose whole life has been about becoming a better person tomorrow than I am today, about being compassionate, and being extremely introspective, I can say none of these assure the person Anna here is describing. I will end conflict with understanding, I will be there for you, but I am not there for myself. I am not actively growing (it’s very hard in a lot of ways!) I am not super motivated, I do not nourish and take proper care of my body. I hate to say, but I’m pretty sure that combination of all those traits is either a myth, or unbelievably rare.

  • @Josh-Yu
    @Josh-Yu Рік тому

    Everybody's situation is different. We don't really know what's going on on their side of the street unless they tell us. It's a nice thought to have someone willing to reciprocate and show up

  • @werzzfdss
    @werzzfdss Рік тому +5

    Anna, I really appreciate how open you are and admire your desire to improve yourself! If I knew you irl, I'd kill for a date. You said it, no one is perfect but just seeing people want to be better than they were yesterday is super inspiring and attractive imo

  • @iczyg
    @iczyg Рік тому +1

    Compassionate resolution is a concise phrase I didn't even know I've been looking for but just found. Thanks!

  • @paolodepetris7034
    @paolodepetris7034 Рік тому

    Thanks for books suggestion at 1:02! Just added all of them in my wishlist

  • @igchannel2174
    @igchannel2174 Рік тому

    growth mindset 100 percent!! people who has not that trait are so boring to date fr...

  • @nicoleshan6410
    @nicoleshan6410 Рік тому +4

    I'm going to remember this on therapy... and life itself.
    Thank you,Anna!!!❤️

  • @Teetoe
    @Teetoe Рік тому +14

    Not everyone has the luxury to leave a job they hate.

    • @lynninfinite
      @lynninfinite Рік тому +7

      It was one example lol. You can still work on yourself even if you can’t financially afford to quit a job you hate.

  • @candicefaithv
    @candicefaithv Рік тому +18

    ANNA YOU'RE ALWAYS SO ON POINT WITH WHAT IM GOING THROUGH

    • @goodgriefff
      @goodgriefff Рік тому +3

      Its actually mind blowing how the timing works out to my real life situations….

    • @n0_n0
      @n0_n0 Рік тому

      @@goodgriefff saaaaaaaame

  • @enyapreston4629
    @enyapreston4629 Рік тому +6

    Dude if you ever decide to make a podcast that maybe goes more in depth on some of these topics I would binge the heck out of it🥰

  • @MrSmashmasterk
    @MrSmashmasterk Рік тому

    From someone who had all of these things and worked hard with someone for 6 years, both of us in therapy and always looking up for how to be better humans in ourselves and for each other, that all the work eventually is going to burn you out if this is what your whole relationship is like. If your relationship is all about navigating constant triggers all of the time, even with the best of intentions you will both burn out at some point. My hopeful suggestion is to find someone who is self aware and able to listen, who also feels good to be around the majority of the time. Just watch out for the "perfect person" who will work as hard as you without giving up on the relationship, who is also not the right match for you. In that case the love is real, the work is meaningful, and hopefully you will learn from this that there are people out there willing to do the work who are not a great fit for you. The flip side is that there will be a person who does feel to be around with these qualities out there as well. Don't settle for the committed wrong fit.

  • @vickysmashesyouwithahammer
    @vickysmashesyouwithahammer Рік тому +1

    not sure if my partner is this person but i'm damn happy to see myself as this person. trying to realize my own worth a bit more lately and i think i'm pretty awesome for having the traits you're talking about

    • @DaKernWrites
      @DaKernWrites Рік тому +1

      If your partner is not this person, give them only so much time. I won’t go past a year. And yes, realize your worth. Because we’re all pretty awesome if we care the way we do and commit to ourselves the way she describes. I’m being patient with someone trying to get to this point. It’s been 7 months. It seems like she’s making progress. At a year, my limit, I need to reevaluate. If she’s progressing, I’ll grant an ‘extension,’ not to her but rather to myself. Maybe another 6 months. If there’s growth, great. If it’s stagnant and there is no commitment to herself and for our intimate and monogamous situation, I may have to do one of the hardest things ever. I may have to love myself enough/more if my best friend isn’t able to love herself and me enough. I may have to walk away. I may have to lose her completely from my life. But that is the fear. For now, I’m staying in the love until my 1-year checkpoint at which time I’ll stop and check in with her and myself. Hope this helps. I related to your message and wanted to share. Thanks 🙏

    • @vickysmashesyouwithahammer
      @vickysmashesyouwithahammer Рік тому

      @@DaKernWrites thank you for sharing! i'm at the 1,5 year mark now. he hasn't been progressing much, despite my encouragement and my best efforts to show him i want to help him. i was planning on ripping the bandaid off a few weeks ago but we had a good talk and he acknowledged he needed to change (also for himself). so i'm granting myself an extension too, not sure if it's the right thing to do. we match super well on all other aspects. man, this stuff is complicated. good luck to you though!

  • @ArseniySokolov
    @ArseniySokolov Рік тому +1

    Thank you for your kind words, Anna. It's mean a lot, it's touching, causing tears of appreciation and gratefullness.

  • @emilys.heather5089
    @emilys.heather5089 Рік тому +3

    This is a sign for sure

  • @GoldChocobo77
    @GoldChocobo77 Рік тому +1

    Took me a while to find the right therapist for me (3rd try) but now I did I can say it helps a lot. I feel like a therapist plays the role of a mirror as well as that empathic voice we should have toward ourselves.

  • @clau_sing_
    @clau_sing_ Рік тому +2

    Also someone who is willing to call you out on your unhealthy patterns

  • @vtr0104
    @vtr0104 Рік тому +6

    You going through all those negative traits had me listing them off like Bingo.
    It's why I've made my GFs life so difficult :(

    • @goodgriefff
      @goodgriefff Рік тому +2

      Its good to be aware, but don’t stop yourself there, take it with stride to work on the things you notice you can do better, or things you want your true-self to be. You don’t have to wait til tomorrow, you always got today. 🤎

    • @vtr0104
      @vtr0104 Рік тому +4

      @@goodgriefff Thank you, supportive Internet lady! I'm trying, I'm reading some self-help books, I'm going along with more of her suggestions instead of always finding excuses, I'm eating more salads....
      I hope it's not too late though, we've been together 15 years and I feel like for most of it she was probably miserable and only came out to me about it a couple of years ago :(

  • @matfudge1143
    @matfudge1143 Рік тому

    Most people want to improve themselves or their situation. It's just that some people do it without thinking about others or the effect of the behavior or action, good or bad as long at it helps them first. "Not all self improvements are good for others" like the lover that steals your heart to improve themselves and devalue you.
    Just because someone is going to therapy doesn't mean they are trying to self improve.
    Although yes it can help people break down inner thoughts or events in their lives.
    Doesn't mean that person is using it for that.

    • @evedotcom
      @evedotcom Рік тому +1

      Yeah, obviously just going to therapy alone isn't enough. The type of person you describe doesn't sound like someone who is self-committed. Conflict and triggers in relationship are inevitable so how they respond then will be a better measure of how self-committed they are. As well as all the other things Anna mentioned.

  • @LauraAmanda8888
    @LauraAmanda8888 Рік тому +1

    Ah so true. Thank you Anna for wonderful content ❤️ I found a guy exactly like this.
    Feels like a dream ✨️

  • @niccolom
    @niccolom Рік тому +21

    What you said is true. However it is impractical for most people.
    The type of people that you described probably have successful careers and are therefore quite wealthy. This kind of people who are available are extremely few.
    Also, for average people to become one of those people it’s also impractical for many. If you refer to the Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, you will find that the qualities that you described mostly belong to the very top of the pyramid. Most people have more immediate needs to take care of than self-actuation.
    A lot of ladies describe themselves as "down to earth". I'm sorry, Anna, you are definitely not down to earth.

    • @alexandremonette5740
      @alexandremonette5740 Рік тому +1

      80% of women want the top 20% of men.

    • @MayTheSchwartzBeWithYou
      @MayTheSchwartzBeWithYou Рік тому +3

      Yep. She's a millionaire UA-camr who has the time and money to search for that perfect significant other, as if it were some Lord of the Rings quest. For the rest of us, that's just unrealistic, and we barely have enough time to watch UA-cam, let alone obsessively read self-help books every day.

  • @fulltimeweeb
    @fulltimeweeb Рік тому +3

    I'm committed to becoming a better person each and every day and staying single till the one shows up. I'm done chasing. Stay safe everyone!

  • @jeenatekwani3299
    @jeenatekwani3299 Рік тому +8

    I am a psychology student, and just yesterday my class mates were laughing and saying "we are gonna make money by just listening to people" I personally found that so wrong, thanks Anna for this free valuable information

    • @henryholsten8802
      @henryholsten8802 Рік тому

      Validation isn't always free, as long as they do their job you should stop being so self righteous

  • @gabrielegranocchia
    @gabrielegranocchia Рік тому

    I strongly agree with you on this. Ambitions and self-improving are the most defining factor of a person, and one of the most interesting for other to see in us. I would just point out that the final goal is to have and express high ambitions and a self-improving mindset, a therapist can help getting there, going to the therapist should not be the goal, therapy is a vehicle to reach the destination, not the destination.

    • @ryanciani3324
      @ryanciani3324 Місяць тому

      a therapist doesnt help you get anywhere.

  • @ToriTija
    @ToriTija Рік тому +2

    I wish I could have known this when I was dating 5 years ago. Now I'm working to help my long term partner develop these skills since I've worked to develop them over the last 5 years. It's tough and putting our relationship in a scary place.

    • @ItsAsparageese
      @ItsAsparageese Рік тому

      Beware of being too willing to help them. Not saying this is you, but your comment felt too deeply familiar for me not to say something.
      I'm prone to the fixer/giver side of codependency, and it wasn't until well after breaking up with my ex (long, long, long after our relationship had been in that scary place) that I realized I'd fed our problems by helping too hard and carrying all the emotional labor just as much as he'd fed them by stagnating on growth. We're both in vastly better places now, and if I hadn't had to give up on saving him in order to save myself, he'd be much less likely to have experienced the growth he's had now.
      If you're trying to teach a partner to care about their own growth, often the cruel and tragic irony we have to recognize is that helping isn't just sabotaging our own best interest (after all, that's easy to rationalize and commit to when we love someone), but frequently also sabotaging _their_ best interest too. Nobody gets any stronger if someone else does all the lifting for them, and indeed, if you're always by their side, they will (especially people who don't show independent drive for growth in the first place) often easily acclimate to the idea that you'll always be there and always lift for them if they don't feel like it. And before long, if they don't already have this belief, they're inclined to internalize the idea that they _can't_ lift the weight themselves, because they never have.
      Just food for thought in case it resonates with you or another reader.

    • @ItsAsparageese
      @ItsAsparageese Рік тому

      @@Ezra-wy7ux Aww thanks haha I'm no expert but I've done a fair bit of study & self-work in this vein, I suppose. Interesting question. I think that, in application, growth means something different for each individual, because we all have our own unique combo of problematic tendencies & issues to work through. For me it's largely had a lot to do with emotional independence & better boundaries & realizing that having sincere benevolent intentions isn't mutually exclusive to being a control freak who ultimately does harm. For the ex I referenced above, it was a few patterns & traits that mostly came down to him needing to quit drinking, for a litany of reasons but also because he was really cognitively & emotionally impaired by it in a deep physiological-damage way that takes extended sobriety (like months to years) to heal. But everyone is different & so is every relationship.
      If you can expand more on your question maybe I can give a broader or more useful answer, I hope anyway haha, I'm curious to understand more about what your current idea of growth is & what specifically about the idea you'd like to explore more :)

    • @ItsAsparageese
      @ItsAsparageese Рік тому

      @@Ezra-wy7ux Yo I don't have braincells or thumb-tendon-status rn to go on at length about how good your poem is (subjectively & objectively, it's very good, for real), but I read it, I loved it, I love that you shared it, & I hope you don't remove it.
      I'm not gonna tell you you shouldn't remove it, because your comfort zones are your jurisdiction ... but if I were magically ordered to decide for you based on my own subjective values & opinions, then I would say you shouldn't.

    • @ItsAsparageese
      @ItsAsparageese Рік тому

      @@Ezra-wy7ux Ahhh, valid reason I hadn't considered 😊

  • @snackdragonn
    @snackdragonn Рік тому

    Oh, How Not To Die is one of my very favourite educational books!

  • @rnbwyogi
    @rnbwyogi Рік тому

    Thank you for this message. Needed to hear it. 👍

  • @toobalkain
    @toobalkain Рік тому

    I dated myself for a while cuz everyone said if you wanna get something done right, you gotta do it yourself, but not gonna lie, it's not as easy as it sounds.

  • @mellowwizard
    @mellowwizard Рік тому

    This really helps me reflect and examine what I really value in a relationship. Was so useful to hear in words what I know I have wanted all along from my other half.

  • @clairemabutol651
    @clairemabutol651 Рік тому

    I'm proud to say my man is self-committed, thank you for the reassurance I'm doing the right thing. I will be moving in with him after 7 months and can't wait to be with him.

  • @godofdestruction3446
    @godofdestruction3446 Рік тому +2

    She’s done and ready to settle down

  • @DaveKeil
    @DaveKeil Рік тому

    You're videos are awesome! well researched, polished, and approachable. The way you use the screen space and articulate is next level though. Where and how did you learn that? Is it like a news broadcaster training course or something? Did you intuit it after some other technical training? I'm actually shocked at how engaging, clear, and un-distracting it is to watch. It's too good. You have to have trained to be a newcaster or presentation coaching specialist or something. I'm litterally bewildered as how good it is.

  • @moveon1830
    @moveon1830 Рік тому +1

    by reading the comments I realise I wasn't crazy to have selfdoubt and to always thrive to get better and seeking for exterior knowledge.

  • @StockySnail
    @StockySnail Рік тому

    You're very wise. I wish I could find a lady to date with your emotional intelligence. I've read some of those books and enjoy learning about those things as well. Thanks from a hopeful man from Portland. One day I'll find someone.

  • @hollys6299
    @hollys6299 Рік тому +3

    We accept the love we think we deserve.

  • @moveon1830
    @moveon1830 Рік тому +8

    The fact that you are knowledgable and so articulate, but still single. makes me believe it doesn't matter what you do. good relationship will come out of nowhere.

    • @28goldenboy
      @28goldenboy Рік тому +3

      Absolutely wrong statement. One has to be intentional on finding a significant other. There are many reasons why she might be single.

  • @zoryaprilova54
    @zoryaprilova54 Рік тому

    Your videos are free therapy for me and I am so thankful

  • @fortune_roses
    @fortune_roses Рік тому +2

    *Yes!* Preach. Seriously

  • @xtraceyy
    @xtraceyy Рік тому +1

    A therapist saying the only people one should date are those who also goes to therapy sounds more like a way to promote therapy. Isn’t it a bit narrow minded to say therapy is the only way to self betterment? I agree that it’s important to be open to self improvement and work towards it, but that should be through whatever means work for the individual. Therapy can be one answer, but doesn’t have to be the only.

  • @StefanBacon
    @StefanBacon Рік тому +13

    That mention of therapy hit a sensitive spot for me. I've been in therapy before, but I'm not right now, and even though it might help, I don't think I should have to justify not getting therapy. I have close friends who get therapy in perpetuity, and I respect that, but it also starts to feels like a cult when my n"ot seeking therapy" is the thought-terminating cliché for why we have a disagreement, when we could choose to work on the disagreement itself.

  • @Itsnateeephotography
    @Itsnateeephotography Рік тому

    Wow I realized this help open my eyes that I should look for what I want in a relationship rather then the standards I try to hold on someone else’s when it comes to the next relationship

  • @anthonymoore915
    @anthonymoore915 Рік тому

    Being in therapy doesn't mean much if they aren't doing the work. Doing the work means everything even if they aren't in therapy. If someone can't or won't go to a therapist of some kind but is still doing the work... not going doesn't invalidate that work. And, yes, I have seen a therapist. Seeing a therapist is not a magic bullet.

    • @Ikaros23
      @Ikaros23 Рік тому

      what`s important to understand is that 98% of the work is done by the client. Not the therapist. The therapist can only guide us in the right path. The commitment to change need to come from the client.

  • @breatheliveandthrive7404
    @breatheliveandthrive7404 Рік тому +1

    Dating is like a boxing match.
    "Everybody has a game plan until they get punched in the face!" - Mike Tyson

  • @khiaratt
    @khiaratt Рік тому

    It comes back to looking for people who are able to take care of themselves cause that means they will be able to care for other people too.

  • @queenieevergreen
    @queenieevergreen Рік тому

    Yeah… no. you’re asking for too much in another person… lol. You described the perfect person. So many selfless people are excellent partners.

  • @JustJaySama
    @JustJaySama Рік тому

    I love the way Anna explains things!

  • @MaquiGC
    @MaquiGC Рік тому +1

    Okey, but the problem is that I work so much on myself that I don't have time for a relationship 😂

  • @jamieoconnor1916
    @jamieoconnor1916 Рік тому +1

    Hello Anna this was just the thing I needed to hear thank you for your honest opinion on people and relationships, I am myself trying to make myself a better man but am I unrealistic to want be in a relationship with someone because I a physical disability much respect 🙏

  • @TheSinlessAssassin
    @TheSinlessAssassin Рік тому +1

    This makes me anxious about my crush who does almost none of these things...

  • @nikoskavvadias2366
    @nikoskavvadias2366 Рік тому

    How am I not self committed 100% but I can commit to a relationship 100% will forever be a mystery for me.

  • @OvSpP
    @OvSpP Рік тому +1

    Oooo I haven’t been this early in a sec!

  • @matttran7161
    @matttran7161 Рік тому +1

    Bruh, RuPaul had this figured out over a decade ago. "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gone love somebody else?"

  • @EpicPhazee
    @EpicPhazee Рік тому +1

    All hail Anna, our free therapy

  • @Monkayg
    @Monkayg Рік тому +1

    I want to ask Squarespace for his Daughter's hand in friendship. I adore you and your content got me threw few a hard times.

  • @dinajoran4702
    @dinajoran4702 Рік тому +7

    Okay, I don’t wanna seem cocky but she’s basically described me. I always try to be very conscious of what I do and why I do it and always try to improve 🧘🏻‍♀️🧘🏻‍♀️🧘🏻‍♀️🧘🏻‍♀️🧘🏻‍♀️🧘🏻‍♀️

  • @IiOnna222
    @IiOnna222 Рік тому

    Therapy is a must.

  • @hisopio231
    @hisopio231 Рік тому +3

    You had me till you said sleep

  • @sandeshjadhav8804
    @sandeshjadhav8804 Рік тому

    I am very skeptical about therapy, it's one of those things where you want the best one, while most of the time i neither have the time or money to search for one or afford one.
    Staying single is cheap 😂

  • @BMoll87
    @BMoll87 Рік тому

    My ex is a narcissist who goes to therapy. It’s just for show and to feel good about himself and as a victim. Be careful with narcissists!!!!!

  • @strawdoll
    @strawdoll Рік тому

    Loving your recent videos :D Good subject matter!