I found that I personally felt I was unhinged. Because the narcissist pushed the boundaries so far. I became somebody I didn't really recognise, during the abuse. It is natural to have the reactions. But it's not natural to have a partner who purposely incites them.
It''s another way of silencing survivors. And allows the narcissist to "wait out" and avoid fallout, so after time passes, they can scoff, "That was so long ago. Why are you still bringing it up?" And now you're called unhinged that you can't let go. Lose-lose situation! Thank you for this validating vid Dr Ramani!
Wow that happened to me. He said that was 2 years ago and that we were not in a committed relationship we were only “dating”. He had asked me to marry him, said I was the love of his life, his one and only and he and I deserve this ideal love. Wow, then this narcissist sociopath walked off with no goodby, no explanation and said we only “dated”. What a piece of 💩 narcissist. They are all 100% THE SAME. The devil incarnate 👹👺
I definitely believe there's far more Narscissist than claimed. If you've weak or vulnerable in any way they'll pounce! Be especially careful at medical appointments. Record the appointment. Be cautious of therapist that could be Narcs.
Dr Ramani says about 50% of the population are narcissists… Dr Les Carter says 60% his brother Dr Lee Carter says 70%… yikes that’s not good odds!!! Stand up for yourself immediately and check them on their bs immediately … then they are a lot less likely to try and pull their bs and gaslight you cuz they know what is coming when they do… of course you know that they will go covert on you so stay alert and aware 🙄 they are so childish
@@ceilconstante640 most marketing is tailored towards narcs. go figure how many billions of dollars it brings. Even if narcs are at their rated %, they are on most influential and damaging positions, because uh, their game is Power. Just follow the money.
Pathologizing a severely betrayed and abused partner is common in the sex addiction/porn addiction world. Partners are often diagnosed as BPD when in fact they have PTSD/C-PTSD. I was told I was “stuck”, “bitter”, “unforgiving”, and “strident” for holding the abuser accountable, maintaining healthy boundaries, and protecting my children.
So very true. Luckily I found a therapist who was more understanding than the couples counselor who believed his justifications and painted me as the crazy one on need of change. I struggle with C-PTSD because of his betrayals every single day.
They’ll do anything to paint the other party as strange, odd or “psychopathic” when, really, whatever maladaptive patterns going-on are a direct response to the abuse.
After my abuse I was wrongly diagnosed with bpd when I had ptsd, unfortunately the mental health centre in my area also mistreated me that it turned really bad. I went through hell.
Having been involved with a narcissist/psychopath is hell on earth, the most terrifying ordeal of fire, a life or death impasse (physical or psychic) that a person will have to face.
I agree 100%. A physical wound will heal. One can recover from financial ruin. You can start your life over. But once you’ve been abused by narcissist? You will never be the same. You can go to therapy, move on with your life, etc. You can. But you will never be the same. Narcissistic abuse forever changes us.
See, I'm not even angry. I just don't want to be around them anymore. Our entire relationship was built upon gaslighting me and blame shifting. No matter how many times I tried to be understanding and assuming the best, I was always this controlling and manipulative villain!! I'm just like WTF!? The more I began to regulate myself and really change my own thoughts/behaviors...the worse I was treated. Tantrums over going silent. Threats to my safety. Heaven FORBID this person does anything "wrong" or causes harm because they are just SO FUCKING PERFECT! Over it. Not angry. Not hurt anymore. Over it. I do not want to make "amends" or ask this person to say "im sorry". I want NOTHING to do with them. Leave me alone. Get out of my life. You are not important to me anymore. (This person's family is so fucking enabling it makes me sick to my stomach. They want me to be enabling and forgiving. What would I need to forgive someone for when they do not see themself as a problem???) Update: The hoovering is so impeccable that I had to beg for this individual to accept what they did to me without blame shifting into "you manipulated me our entire relationship" and I genuinely wanted to understand what I did...I didn't like a show they liked...and after they watched it for a while and talked more about it I GOT INTO WITH THEM because I loved them and I just wanted to share something in common. They didn't remember that. They experienced it as me making them feel like their interests were stupid which I am very mindful about. If I did it then I own it. I will not ever deny it. But...on top of that...they said I manipulated them by lying to them about something that I did all of the time- WITH THEM. Listen, this man is 20 years old. I am 23. We are very close in age but not in mentality. I have walked the path he is on and I speak his language very well. And, when I try to just talk to him he blames me every time. No matter how many ways I say, "I would appreciate if you just listened to how I feel...or...I would appreciate if you would acknowledge what you did first before telling me all these horrible things I've done to you." Every conversation I have had with this man...it's like a big circle going round and round, no matter which direction I try to steer the conversation, he brings us full circle somehow. And, I can honestly say it impresses me how committed he is to his role, but also it isn't acceptable. He wants me out of his life too yet hoovers. HOOVERS. Because why? Abandonment wounds. JFC. I don't want to hurt this poor man. I really love him. But, he is so toxic for my mental health that I just have to keep my boundaries which makes him really angry. He gets very antagonistic when I remind him of my boundaries. "The merry-go-round of life" (LET ME OFF!!)
Love the way You got it all together. I know hundred percent You are not angry at all, You just have it so clear now....there is no coming back from that point. Best wishes for You
SMH, I get it completely! I want nothing to do with the vileness, the bloodsucking sickness and wickedness of the toxic so-called human beings. I say that because at the point it's realized that they've severed their humanity seeing the damage that's been done, they shouldn't be in your life.
This! This is exactly how I’ve been moving since they left and it’s been great!!! They let me alone thinking it hurts but in actuality it’s what I WANTED and honestly NEEDED🙌🏾🙌🏾
My ex always told her parents I did something to her. And I always had to explain to them the real situation and then they would ask her why she painted everything so bad to them. Then the same thing would happen again and again over and over she turned her parents against me and I had to explain to them what she did to me (cheating etc.) It was exhausting and confusing. And no matter what, everything she did was my fault.
My now ex-husband told our neighbours I was "psycho and off my meds" so not to talk to me because I was unstable. I could not understand why my neighbours suddenly would not speak to me.When I mentioned this to my husband, he asked "What did you do to make them treat you that way?". I caught on to what he was doing when he had a falling out with a neighbour and he told me they were psycho and to not talk to them because they were off their meds. It all fell in to place....... So glad I divorced him.
I going through this with my neighbours now because the woman in the next unit targeted me mercilessly. Polite, quiet withdrawal from her babbling attention and refusal to fall into the countless traps she set for me utterly enraged her and she ATTACKED! What she has done to me she claimed I was doing to her, limping around playing the poor fragile victim, slandering me to anyone who'll listen in a vicious smear campaign. I am a pariah in the neighbourhood now, people who used to say hello either glare, stare or totally avoid me. It's difficult.
dang why didn't the neighbors think to even ask you about if he was telling the truth or not?, if some people are gonna still spin the tell that it's always both sides fault then they should have the humility and intelligence to question both people's sides, your neighbors are the type of people who pee me off
@@wayneelliott1180don't worry you're not alone, I'm also a social pariah/social outcast, i think most good people are in this nowadays upside down society
Oh my goodness yes!! I often got shamed for having a "tone" in my voice. I wasn't even yelling just angry and about to cry so my voice wasn't happy and cheery. Jeesh! I really needed this validation! Thanks Dr. Ramani!
Sometimes even trying to be calm isn't enough with these people - like, if you don't sound beatifically calm, it's not calm enough. And if you did sound beatific, they'd try to make it sound like it wasn't, or cast it as "heartless" anyway (though it might be harder for them to do that in public). Better to look to things other than how narcissists paint you as, and do what you need to do anyway.
Mines been doing it so much and for so long, and taking advantage of my PTSD, he'd just about convinced me that I was being abusive just by speaking to my children because my tone was so terrible when I was just in physical pain from my chronic health problems.
@@aprildawnsunshine4326 Uh I'm so sorry to hear that!! Yes I also developed PTSD and so when I was triggered because of his betrayal of me (he usually broke a boundary) he said I was abusive and shaming him. I was just having normal feelings and sadness because of his betrayal!😞
@@sadie2299 yeah I came into this with undiagnosed PTSD from childhood and I told him everything and trusted him to help me keep my mental health in check and then as soon as he decided I was more trouble than I was worth he started using it all against me. Still is tbh but I have someone helping me with an exit strategy. Just in the waiting for the shoe to drop phase.
@@aprildawnsunshine4326 Oh that's so hard!! I'm so glad you have someone to help! It's hard to navigate all this stuff too especially with PTSD. Best of luck with everything! ❤
This is my mother. A lot of your videos are aimed at narcissistic romantic relationships, but I always look at it through the scope of my mother. 100% she paints me as unhinged when I’m upset about something. If I get angry at her & call her out on her BS, she says things like, “Oh my god look at how you TREAT ME!” And she shakes her head in disgust at me for being hurt & upset by her actions/words. She brushes my struggles aside with “Oh people have it worse!” Yet her struggles are REAL for some reason. She has no empathy. It is really disgusting. I have distanced myself from her now that I have been living on my own for 1 year, but it is still difficult to deal with.
Classic move by a narcissist. Even when a narcissist is caught red handed as a liar, cheater and a thief. The narcissist will try to minimize their actions by invalidating your feelings. Narcissists are emotionally immature. Thank you 🤔❤️🇺🇸
#ReactiveAbuse I was the scapegoat of narcissist parents. They did everything to drive me mad, the more tolerance I showed, the more vile they became. I would finally snap because that’s what normal people do when they’re abused, and that anger was used to call me “disobedient” or problematic. So they used that narrative to manipulate psyche Dr.s, telling them I needed “impulse control” or that I was “bipolar” or that I needed anti depressants… my only problem was I was being abused into the ground. This developed into CPTSD and I had a nervous breakdown 20 yrs ago. Side note: I believe Britney’s parents did the same to her.
The extent to which child and school psychologists as well as psychiatrists are used to abuse the children of N's is in my opinion a national disgrace. Parents usually get what they PAY for and schools get what they want. I think we are now seeing the result of valuing obedience to authority above mental health in many ways. Schools don't want children who can stand up for themselves. When you complicate that with an abusive, authoritarian N family systems, the child has no place to turn but inward. The result of that can be a sliding scale from attacking self, to distrust of everyone. There is no incentive for anyone to help a child suffering N abuse.
@@Flyingrabbit2222 I totally agree. There was one Dr. that stuck up for me, told “dad” he was crossing boundaries. Narc dad screamed at the Dr. right there in his office and I never saw that Dr. again.
And give yourself credit for letting off steam over time. My cousin was held captive by an abusive paranoid/narc mother and narc father until the age of 34. He was the best little boy in the world. Described by all who knew him as shy. Then one day he blew. He killed his family and himself. You did the healthy thing whether your father liked it or not. Much love to you in your healing.
As an Algerian woman raised Muslim in America, this really hits home for me with my narc mom and dysfunctional family. Especially with suitors I've had to deal with and my immature Jordanian narc father
Hehe, plz excuse my ignorance! My mother who raised me alone is different clan to my father yet I always identified with my fathers side. My husband is narc and is causing havoc on my life with our kids, I can’t imagine having two parents who are narcs, May Allah make it easy for you sister and grant you a happy and peaceful home with empathetic husband and children Amiin.
north african born and raised in america. Narcistic parents created such a dysfunction within the family that ive legit gotten in relationships with narcs only. Worst shit ever
In my toxic relationship for 20 years I wasn't able to have friends, if I were to share the b's with a common friend who I know the comments will come back the storm would begin. Being cheated on sucks, having the blame put on me was stupid. At this point I'm putting my effort into regaining my relationship with my 19 year old Son. One day I will share my truth with him and he will get to know the real man I am. Thanks Dr. Ramani your videos remind me of how amazing us survivers truly are
I grew up swearing my father was "guilty" for our unstable home enviroment. I put all the blame on him untill I had like 19 or 20 years old. It was really hard to fight my instinct to keep believing that he was the angry, problematic parent and that me, my sister and my mom would have been much better off literally anywhere else but by his side. But slowly, and painfully I started to have flashbacks of my childhood. More and longer ones with the years. Finally I got into self healing, self awareness and I started to know me through my own eyes. Learning about cptsd helped so much. Today, I know my mom was a lot more troubled than my dad. I judged him so hard becouse of my mom's manipulative control over all my family, extended family and common circle of friends. Inside the home, they had no impulse control, no patience, no respect, and outside almost everything was a performance of the happy family. Now that I know and understand the real story, I found a way to love them again and forgive us all. I wish this story helps in any way to give you hope. I mean, you are willing to help your son to understand, so I'd think you both have good chances of building a great relationship. Best wishes for you and your son, and may that be a compassionated and loving new begining.
@@artifundio1 Thanks man, that hit home for a Dad who's son probably feels a lot like you did about your Dad. I can only hope, some day he sees the truth.
Both of my parents did this to me. My mother would claim there was something mentally wrong with me if I ever criticized her. She encouraged the rest of the family to do, or say, anything to me, including my older brother beating me with fists until he knocked the breath out of me, and she would always tell me I deserved it. This went on my entire childhood. The ganging up on me, feeling like I didn't have an ally in the world, would make me so bitter and upset. My mother seemed unnatural to me. Then she would tell my father I disrespected her, and had mental problems, so he'd hit me when he came home, too. It didn't matter what facts I would present, both my parents would simply ignore them. If I was upset with anyone, I had mental problems. If anyone was upset with me, it was valid and I deserved it. This has twisted me up so badly that I'm still affected, decades later. They still justify doing anything they want to me, and if I get upset about it, I have mental problems. About a year ago, they did this again. Did something terrible and then claimed I had mental problems for not liking it. Only, this time, I made sure the entire conversation was through texts and emails. I showed the whole thing to my husband, a therapist, and eventually just a couple of friends. My husband was shocked that my mother could be so vicious. She always showed him her sweet, smiling side. I think my husband thought I was over-sensitive or exaggerating when I would try to explain conversations to him. Until he read their words to me, he didn't realize I was being literal. Everyone I showed all told me it was not normal, and that my family treats me like I'm some lower caste. Everyone found it really weird how every single member of my family just ignores when I explain how their actions hurt me, or how I'm treated differently. The therapist said my family gaslights me, scapegoats me, and treats me as beneath them. She said the dynamic was toxic for me. She told me to set firm boundaries, and to decide for myself how much, if any, contact to have with them. But I don't know how to set healthy boundaries. Standing up for myself is viewed as a mental problem to my family. They claim I get angry over nothing. I tried for a year to get my parents to apologize. Every time, they tell me I have mental problems to object. I couldn't take it anymore and have refused to have anything to do with them for the past year. Now they claim I have mental problems to avoid them. I haven't seen them for a year, and yet I can't get to the point that they don't bother me. It's like I can escape physically, but not mentally. I just want peace.
This doctor makes SOOOOO much sense. I am a pastor who left my church six months ago because of wildly dysfunctional and unethical leaders in the church. Since that time, I have been portrayed as the problem, and as an unreliable pastor (bear in mind I have been in ministry for almost 40 years now, never having been fired, and have been successful at every church I have pastored.) I've kept my mouth shut because I don't want to stir up more trouble for church I left, but it has been hard and frustrating. Anyway, these videos, particularly this one, have helped tremendously. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Have you read the book, "Something's Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse--and Freeing Yourself from Its Power" by Wade Mullen? He's a pastor. Apparently, narcissists often seek power in churches.
Thank you thank you thank you. I am normal. Anger is normal. Having negative feelings and expressing them is normal. HAVING A FLAT AFFECT IS NOT NORMAL AND SHOULD NOT BE ENCOURAGED. Yes that can be a trauma response, to be emotionally flat. I'm not judging that, I have gone thru stages of emotional numbness in my life as well, it's a terrible place to be. I'm not speaking on that. Rather those that are uncomfortable with their own emotions and therefore find it appropriate to tell you that you are dysfunctional for expressing your emotions. I'm not encouraging going full "left eye" in the 90s on your partner. That's not ok either. But yes, feel and express what you feel. That is a basic freedom.
One of the appalling aspects of dealing with an abusive personality- is that they often present challenging situations outside of the presence of others. It does not seem to matter what the target's reaction is- and no matter how calmly one reacts to an abusive situation; an NPD seems to immediately tell a false story about how the target became angry in that situation they attempted to create. Whether one is calm or not, in response to an abusive act- they will begin the storytelling almost immediately. In their story- the target became unglued at the slightest provocation. As a realist, living in a world of true events, is fabulous.
My narcissist did this regularly. Then my daughter witnessed it when my narcissist didn't know she was there.....Until my daughter was confused and openly questioned the narcissist on it. That's when the beginning of (thankfully) the discard phase started.
Yeah what I noticed some of them do is passive aggressively/covertly poke at you on one topic for a loooooong time. Even if you grey rock. Then the one time you respond (or even not respond), they will be like "wow why are you so sensitive about this topic!!!" And then they have their big narrative. They'll even take a blank face as a response, because why aren't you being more pleasant about their put downs? A made up example: they could make comments about your weight for a year with no response to you. Then one day they will take it a step further and poke your belly while doing it. Now when you tell them calmly to stop, they will run off as the victim and cry to others about how you hate them for worrying about your health. You won't speak to them, you fight with them, etc. They 100% know how wrong they are, I'm sure of it. But if you can gran onto your own reality and use their INSANE actions to stop caring about them as people, you can tell those twisted little gremlins run off to tell all the delusional tales they want. Still won't make me love, like, respect, or listen to them. It won't change the reality of who they are or who we are.
My sister with NPD….talking to my parents and they tell me to get over it. She stole from my family in such a manipulative way and I need to move on. NOPE. Dr Ramani you’ve helped me through so much. Thank you with all my heart. ❤️ when it’s my own sibling, it’s soooo hard.
Spot on!!! I’m almost eighty seven and still have residual affects from a 25 year, five children , marriage to a narcissistic, psychotic husband. He left me for a younger , much younger woman over forty plus years ago. To younger people thinking of marriage or a relationship..be soooo very careful. They will love bomb you until your captured. They are lovely in public, behind closed door, watch out. Your like a captured small animal. Thanks dr for your wise words.🥰
Yes I was shamed, and gaslit for being angry, walking away etc. Thanks a lot dr Ramani for this passionate talk and all the good work you have done and keep doing for the victim/ thrivers of NA. Helped me a lot in my recovery!
Unfortunately, one can watch the Gabby Petito Moab police event as a clear example of this unhinged behavior. The misunderstandings and misperceptions about reactive abuse cost her her life.
Sorry, there were 2 personality disorders going on in that duo and had been since they started trying to date in early teen years. Her 4 parents missed out the issues back in the teen years that her friends and school staff saw. Had they paid attention back then to the violent dynamic of the 2 teens, they wouldn't have welcomed him back into her life in his 20s and perhaps would have gotten her help with her own self worth and decision making. No that doesn't excuse hie final act, but had she been helped she wouldnt have refused to drive herself away when he flew away, nor tried to pit a volatile relationship into a van for a cross country trip when she knew at home she had to take time outs from his rage at friends homes for days. Smh
@@joywebster2678 That’s so sad. I also have a personality disorder (BPD, self-loathing type), and I worry how its symptoms contribute to my difficulty parting ways with people I love who treat me abusively, especially cutting off contact entirely, especially when I know they’re in a bad way. It breaks my heart to know she also had inner demons whispering in her ear that she ought not to run or save herself from the abuse. I feel very lucky my ex has never harmed me physically. Thank you for sharing this information.
I love it when the narcissist wrongs you so blatantly, and then they immediately try to shame you and say you're pouting because you're just so fucking shocked that they would say such a thing right to your face. And they wonder why we hate them.
My mom has always done this to me. My sisters have even viewed me as unhinged and act scared of me and it makes me even more angry… really it’s hurtful and isolating. I am learning in my twenties that it’s healthy to feel a full range of emotions. I pray my sisters can feel angry for themselves one day
There's definitely betrayal trauma. Making me out to be unhinged/angel depending on the person they're talking to, they're the victim/bad boy turning good. Grieving is where I am right now, you validate, are vulnerable and hold space for us.. thank you Dr Ramani ❤️
Girl yes. Youre not alone. Stand your ground, firmly in your truth. See it all for what it is… be neutral, eventually people show their true colors- i PROMISE. Just let him run his mouth & fall on his own words over time. Youre good girl, you got this. Head up high!!!!!!!!!!
Telling people who are close to you is important, anybody who is pathologising your valid and normal emotions and reactions to betrayal is gaslighting you. We need to feel and express and process our emotions to heal them. Anybody who is telling you to just get ober it is not safe and healthy for you. We must be people who have emotions, not numb robots! Thank you for your wise validation dr Ramani.
This is so spot on! My x would always remain super calm on the outside especially in public whilst I had very human and expressive reactions. He convinced so many people in our small community that I was psycho - it was humiliating and really had a terrible effect on my self esteem. I was not strong enough not to doubt myself at times. so tragic, but we can heal. Videos and therapists like Dr. Ramani are gold.
I agree completely and would even say that the inauthenticity of "playing it cool" is not only unhealthy for us (it's self-betrayal) but just "feeds the dysfunction" in the relationship...it's not honest behaviour and without authenticity there realy IS no relationship to "hold onto". If being real about how you're feeling doesn't or "can't" move things in the direction of healing and repair, there's realy no healthy way forward other than full acceptance of that fact.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for you expertise. Yes one feels pain, yes one gets angry feel it but no violence. As for myself, a year ago my brother passed away that I had helped driving to doctors for 4 years. I lived with him and his wife for a year, with home health and at the last hospice. It was not easy. Narcissism was on all sides of my family. No one came, or if one or two younger ones did at times, I had to just move through it. I would take time put and take photographs of the lake and nature or just walk outside and breathe. He has been dead ayear ago today. I called his wife to see if she would like to go for lunch.She is 83 and has a little dementia. She likes to be alone and I give her space. After his death I did what I could. Buying groceries errands. The summer came and more people are at the lake, so I backed off. I have not be well physically myself. But I thank you for all your help to give me the tools to get through this experience of life. THANK YOU❤️ Also I chose not to go to his funeral as I had told them before his passing, that I bring flowers while someone is alive. My brother understood. He passed in my arms. I was so grateful that home health and hospice had my back. Extradinary women , who helped me through all of it also. Today I am sad, but it is an emotion, that will pass. ❤️
It happens like this with employers too. The kind who 'press the orange and throw away the skin'. They will then advise you books like 'Who moved my cheese?', painting job loss as an opportunity, when you risk ending on the street, or at the very least, in debt, and you have to shelf plans like going on that long planned (and already paid for) holiday, having medical treatment, getting a mortgage and buying a home, or carrying on studying for an online degree or a qualification.
Specifically women, women are not allowed to be angry. Anger is a perfectly acceptable emotional response for men to experience, but women are expected to keep it in and experience anger gracefully.
Are you kidding me? Men can't do anything and women will accuse us of abuse. Women aren't held accountable at all. I could call the cops after being assaulted by a woman and I'd go to jail not the assaulter and I'd be charged with reacting to an assault. That's the truth. Women get away with criminal behavior all the time. While the state is throwing bones at men for anything we do.
@@gigibtsurvivor3348 Definitely. We have to constantly police our facial expressions and tone of voice, specifically in court, so as not to show a trace of anger otherwise we will be labeled as “unstable”. Just look at the case against Brian Laundrie, you can hear in her voice how distressed and scared she was, yet the cops were painting her as the abuser. Meanwhile he’s buddy buddy with the cops just sitting there shooting the sh*t with them. Any emotions other then happy and sad are not “feminine”. How many times do random men approach other random men on the street telling them “you should smile”? I’m willing to bet never. How many times are women told by random men on the street to smile? Every woman has experienced this at least once. Society does not allow women to experience the full spectrum of human emotion.
Yes! Thank you so much for validating me and my feelings. For the first 9 years of this hell, he would make me feel like it was just me, that it was in MY head, that only * I* would "think" that way, or react that way, or be "suspicious", etc, etc. Although he's the one who cheated, replaced me with porn, lied, betrayed, hid, denied, and broke promises, he would put me down and call me broken, told me I couldn't be fixed, that I was worthlrss, and sooooo much more. If it wasn't for your effort to shed light and bring awareness to this crazy making ABUSE, I would still be under his manipulative spell, believing I was the problem. After all my experience and research in narcissism and narcissistic abuse, I should have a PhD in psychology now too. I'm not free from this hell yet due to $$$, but I can't wait for the day when I'll walk out that door for the last time. I will never be completely free from him because he trapped me with a child, but at least I won't have to be abused every day of my life living in the same house with this demon. Lord, please hear my prayers! I'm like a desperate caged animal here.
Wow, yes! I could cry right now. Thank you. And forcing myself to “chill” Only lead to inner hatred. I’ve had to take a lot of time to even heal the ramifications of quieting my emotions after the break up. It’s been hell. But your videos have really helped.
I think one of the worst things I was told by a well meaning flying monkey was that I needed to move on. It made me feel like I should immediately stop feeling anything, like gaslighting by proxy! 🤦♀️
Yes I felt shut down emotionally because of all the judgement I received for ‘being negative’! I’d had really negative experiences so that’s normal to ‘be negative’ in those circumstances but everyone around me were numbed out and dissociated from being alcoholics and drug abusers not looking at their own trauma
It’s because they don’t want to hear it. Most people have very low emotional intelligence and society has been engineered by sociopaths in power so that we all are shut down in the empathy department too busy surviving and not allowed to express emotions so people have been programmed to police you if you do dare to emote
Thank you so much for talking more about this! I don't think survivors can hear this enough. It is SO easy to see yourself being upset, angry, arguing, yelling, and fall into the trap of the gaslighters telling you 'YOU don't have the right to be upset!' with a gleeful smirk. No matter what they do to you- YOU are ALWAYS the problem if you get UPSET about it. Then you continuously think 'how am I supposed to keep surviving this treatment without getting upset?" your mind can go to crazy places trying to figure out how to deal with the pain. It got so bad for me that I couldn't cry anymore because of how much I had been shamed and attacked over it by my husband. I started having severe anxiety and would be triggered into having serious panic attacks every time I went out. When I was finally able to go hide and have a good long cry after years of having to accept the abuse, I instantly felt less anxiety and less panic. I realized that the stress was actually manifesting as severe anxiety, preventing me from living a normal life, but I wasn't fully aware of why. When I was able to release the pain through crying, my body and mind instantly felt relief. It showed me how ESSENTIAL it is for a person to be able to express themselves and their emotions, and if you can't do that, your body will express the pain and stress in other ways.
This CAN happen with an adult child as well! When they betray and turn on you. It is one of the most painful betrayals a person can bear. You’re so right about being “chill” about it doesn’t it make any better. I’m thinking the real narcissist is the partner, and my child is being directed by the narcissist.
Oh boy, I've been in this mess for decades with my adult children. I know how you feel. It's hell. They are all loyal to my ex, always have been, and the worst part us they are keeping me from seeing my grandchildren. The ex has free access, However. That's a worse heartbreak.
Going through exactly the issue you are talking about. It's incredibly painful, like walking around daily doing all tasks with a spear jammed in your heart. Nothing you do makes things any better (I have tried all kinds of things). Never did I think after all the years trying to be the stable parent, that I would be left essentially childless.
@@aylan.6212 I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's the toughest thing any parent can go through, hands down. Yes. We try to stay busy, but that wound is always making its presence known, right? Let me encourage you to surrender it all to the Lord. You know Satan knows what hurts us and he will twist that knife our kids stabbed us with, making us feel guilty or inadequate, or we did the wrong thing. In some cases that may be true. But overall, if you're married to a narcissist, you are NOT at fault. We all make mistakes, every one of us. Jesus is the only perfect one. He can carry this burden for you. The Bible says, "God draws near to the broken-hearted." Life is hard, but God is good. He loves your kids infinitely more than you do. Give your life to Him, through repentance and surrender. Pray for your children. If you belong to Jesus, if you've repented of your sins, He will hear your prayers.
my narc just vanished with someone else, after yrs of my devotion & kindness, then was suddenly 💯 indifferent to me. she did some breadcrumbing to amuse herself but never had enough interest to launch a campaign of blame-shifting or insults. there’s nowhere & no one to express my anger to. thx for comforting words about the emotions. they help.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for this very validating video. I still question myself in low moments if I was "over dramatic" because I expressed my anger and hurt for such traumatic betrayal. Thank you for reassuring its normal to feel and express a natural and needed emotion.
Thank you for validating my feelings. Few weeks after I confronted my wife she asked me how I was feeling (she was acting as if nothing happened); the only thing that came to my mind to say was "I am mourning our relationship"
Your videos are such a savior for me between therapy visits. The reality check that I'm not the problem. I'm not insane just because I react to being picked at. I'm not a bad person for having normal human reactions to being intentionally overwhelmed and bullied. Also if you *don't* care, or if you remain calm to try and work through a narcissistic fit, the narcissist will use that against you too. Because only an 'unstable' person who doesn't care about them would be able to remain calm. My ex did that all the time. Used my ability to handle his narcissistic fits calmly (because I have a lifetime of experience with it) and trying to calm his emotions without worrying about my own feelings, as evidence that I actually hated him and was going to cheat any second.
I didn't let the narc get away with her and her friend bullying me while in a position of coming for help!!! Called the situation out and was met with 'It's all in yer 'ed!!'. NO, it's actually happening at an energy level!!!! Narc ex-husband threatened to have me committed and have the children taken away from me when I resisted his toxic behaviour. I've helped a few abused wives informally and 3 of them were threatened with this as well. When they threaten you with this I've realised they're desperate and backed into a corner, the last throws of the narc. Diaboloical behaviour, very controlling .... coming from weak people who NEED you but project that you need them. Thanks Dr Ramani. xxx
Yes mine made out that I needed him so much but he really wasn’t that into me after 8 months of HIM continuously texting me every day inviting himself over when I really didn’t even want him there then when his ego inflated and he thought he could do better 😂 I told him I don’t want to be friends with him and he freaked out! Accusing me of being the controlling one whilst all the while spinning this sneaky web of deceit around me that he thought I didn’t notice was happening
This was such amazing, validating content! Yes, our emotions are valid and need to be expressed. Being quiet not only hides our pain and injustice we've endured, but also protects their (Teflon) image. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani!
Self talk has gotten me through a lot. I ask myself what would I tell someone else in the same circumstances, and I remind myself that I would not want THEM to allow the bad behavior.
Betrayal with another woman by your X narc is bad- BUT when he has brainwashed your grown children against you is the absolute WORST! Loosing the children you spent years loving and caring for breaks you heart!! I had no idea he was training them to hate me for years. 💔
It has been a week since I finally found out he has been lying and manipulating me for the last 2 and a half years. That’s ok! Dr. Ramani had me be aware of all the red flags. Needles to say I broke up (proudly) and have been bench watching Dr. Ramani and Cheaters. Cheaters is Such a great show for witnessing textbook narcissistic behavior and helping me validate my experiences of betrayal.
read and be reminded:👀anytime the narc accuses you of something, it's really them just telling on themselves. nothing more, nothing less. stay strong, and be educated on toxic behaviours so you can sidestep the poop on the sidewalk of life, and you can live a positive life. cheers from southern ontario 🍁
My narc ex would say…oh your anger makes me defensive and I can’t talk to you. Except I wasn’t angry, I was so hurt by his infidelity I could barely function. I was continually gaslighted about my feelings.
Sometimes, I sit and just listen to the video 3 or 4 times while I process everything beneath the surface. It's surreal that I can trust my intuition when it comes to other people, but when it comes to my narcissist I second guess myself even though they've proven my intuition right in the past. It really is a mental battle that has gotten physical a couple of times and even though I can clearly see the damage it's doing to my mental state and how it's affecting my life around it, it's still hard to trust myself and just walk away. 6 years....and lately for some reason I've been thinking about my life span and the reality of only having so much time has set in. I feel I'm at a crossroads and still don't feel strong enough to make the decision that I feel is right in my gut. You're videos have helped me begin to heal and realign myself and still its so hard to break the trauma bond. It's like my body is stuck in fight/flight mode physiologically. Like trying to crawl out if quicksand every day yet when I've gotten out in the past, I longed to jump back in despite the clear actions that this person did not value me as they should. I'm working on healing my heart and diving deep into truly loving myself and knowing myself so that I may have strength and discernment to do whats best and avoid this ever again in the future. Thank you so much for your help.
Thank you so much for this video- it is exactly what I have been through for the past 4 years after having to go no contact with my entire, enmeshed, toxic family of origin. My sister and mother both narcissists, control everyone and have painted me the crazy, unhinged one- even saying so to my innocent special needs niece( who told me so). My only option is to stay away, as I have tried to have individual relationships with my other sisters and cousins, to no avail. Jealously runs rampant and my narc sister, who holds the resources, won’t allow them to even talk to me. It’s been lonely and sad, but I have learned to develop my inner strength and luckily have a great partner and adult children who stand by me. Your talks really reiterate to me that I’m doing the right thing and give me the resolve to keep going. Thank you so much. You are truly the best in your field. ♥️
Dr Ramani, you are an absolute saviour. A friend (we met on a forum for sufferers of N.A. and have continued to help eachother survive the rollercoaster) introduced me to your videos some months ago, and since then I've rabbit-holed... You have helped me understand my Wife of 22 years more than I could ever have hoped to. The fact is, over the years, I have intuited much of what I now know to be fact. The immeasurably deep insecurity and self-loathing, the inability to empathise with my children or I - yet cry buckets over the death of a dignitary: I'm from the UK, we lost kind of a big one recently. Also the saintly behaviour towards others, whilst giving me merry hell for buying the wrong washing powder, the gaslighting, the inability to admit culpability or apologise (i've had five in 2 decades, only one of which i believe may have had anything to do with contrition)....there is so much more. I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Your videos are painful to watch, but so validating. Much love to you and yours. Rob.
It's a narcissist fave!! One trick my mother used to pull was to get quieter and quieter when she pissed off my stepfather, followed by an admonition to "lower your voice". This caused him to become absolutely hysterical, and appear unhinged, which is what she wanted. God she's awful..and doing just fine at 91.
The Narcissists are UNREGULATED every day. Us HEALTHY people have REAL emotions. Narcissists only have 2 emotions: Envy & Rage. 🎯Nailed it Dr. Ramani🎯🔥🔥🔥
This is what my family of origin would do if I spoke up. I know it. You've made me feel more secure in myself, less at the mercy of this ridiculous but hideously toxic dynamic. I probably won't speak up, won't do that to certain people but if it happens I know I have Team Ramani by my side. 💓
Thank you for your words, Dr. Ramani. They totally make sense. i'm 48 now. I found out about my narc partner cheating on me in february. We are no longer together. It was absolutelly heart breaking for me to see how he was in a hurry for things to go back to normal, accusing me of not letting it go, for ruminating about the cheating all the time. 2 and a 1/2 months after that, I was done with his behaviour. No contact ever since. We had a relationship for more than 8 years.
It's painful how much I relate to this. My grandmother is currently on a smear campaign with the whole family, making me out to an awful person and granddaughter because I won't tolerate her gaslighting and abusive behavior. I'm the bad guy for having boundaries. 🙄
Gosh I needed this. I’ve found myself in life having to rely on people who portrayed narcissistic traits. I experienced major health issues and the ones who took me in had these traits. They pinned me between “I’ve taken you in so you must obey or you are entirely ungrateful” and I felt like I had to be a mouse on the wall in both circumstances. My focus was just on healing and staying out of their way. When I left, I finally had the ability to process that weird dichotomy between being taken in at a low point and feeling oddly abused and neglected, and forced. I began speaking about it to family because I decided I wasn’t going to fear being taken as “ungrateful”. I could be grateful for having a place to stay AND process the weirdness it was. Well, a family member who portrays these traits weaponized my processing to say that I am ungrateful and uses it against me every time, telling other people that I have a victim mindset among other things. I needed to hear you say “ITS NORMAL TO PROCESS THESE FEELINGS” Dr. Ramani-thank you.
I can now say after surviving a narcissistic marriage of 22 years , that this all does make sense . And that there are better days ahead people 👍keep pushing forward through it all and you will come out the other side . This was a true ! Great video. Don’t give up ! Keep the faith 👍
@Lily M Schons Always trust your intuition. What made me finally break away was realizing how much I enjoyed my life during those times when I had been discarded and he had blocked me over something minor. It's important for women to feel safe. 🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼
@Lily M Schons That's just part of their game. Saying those things is just a way to break you down and emotionally dependent upon them so they can stay in control.
When it happens I suggest to ask "how did you think I would react?" And then, whatever they say (cause you know narcissists say all sort of nonsensical word salads) follow up with "I am sorry you were so stupid you thought I wouldn't mind that you..." (whatever the narcissist did to you). If you think insulting the narcissist is not a good idea in your case, Just say "well, you thought wrong, because I DO mind"
Wheeewwww! At the end once I understood what he was doing it stopped hurting …he let it slip he had his brother on the phone when I was cleaning and listening to music jamming and turned it into “she’s acting crazy cuz we are done”! I wasn’t at all! I was really chilling and called him out on it but it was too late as brother was already off the phone! I didn’t care because I knew what he was doing but it made me realize he did this aaaallll the time in our relationship! Happy he is gone and I am having fun learning to love myself, my freedom, and do not miss the negativity! Thank you Dr. Ramani and the community I found with other survivors! 🖤
A narcissistic friendship can/will also lead to betrayal. It's different, but it still hurts. At least in this case you don't have children or live with them, so leaving the relationship may be easier. They will still try to invalidate or gaslight you after a betrayal of trust. Again, it's different and not to the same extent as a romantic relationship. It hurts differently and leaving looks different, too. Hard to say, but it's another lesson learned...
I couldn't sit still from the beginning whilst watching this video. I have experienced this and am living it but it's hard because the times I've expressed real genuine emotion as a reaction - it's written off. It's been used as a tool against me and I've felt such a fool. Someone posted this comment from another channel days ago: "They incite you, provoke you, and smash through your boundaries. When you react, they use that reaction to call you "crazy." They in turn use your reaction, to prove that they're the "superior" one. They then slander you with their enablers." This has been my reality. I've held back my reaction and emotions and felt suffocated. Your videos have helped and in some moments o feel so disappointed in myself for allowing someone to take so much away from me. I can't express my thoughts or feelings on anything, even the weather, because it's used against me and presented to her people to reinforce her narrative. I get the full works, discard, scapegoating, gaslighting, breadcrumbs, stonewalling... I'm still a bit broken but I am grateful for your videos, they have helped me figure out my situation and he's the kicker; it happens to men too.
I’m so sorry you’re living in such an abusive situation. I only recently got out of a similar dynamic with my abusive ex. I found a concept by a woman named Dr Rhoberta Shaler, who also has a UA-cam channel, was helpful to me with navigating horrible, twisting, gaslighting conversation with my ex where I always ended up blamed for whatever had gone wrong. She calls it her “personal weather report”. I think of it as kind of “i statements” on steroids: it’s learning how to express what you think and how you feel without referring to any other person by name or pronoun. It’s quite challenging, and I often failed. But the times when I was able to use it effectively, I found it was much harder for her to argue with me than during most of my interactions with her. You may find it helpful for surviving your situation too. My heart goes out to you for what you’re living with. I hope you’re able to get away from your abuser. You deserve so much better than the awful things they’re doing to you.
@@poison_plays Thank you very much for the kind words. I'll admit, it feels a bit odd receiving such encouragement.I have looked at Dr Rhoberta Shaler's channel and bookmarked it. Once again, thank you I really appreciate it.
THE THING IS, AS MUCH AS THEY WANT TO SAY THAT WE ARE THE UNHINGED ONES, WE STILL SLEEP WELL AT NIGHT. Just knowing in our hearts that we're not out there to hurt, that already make us better people than them. LOVE AND LIGHT! ❤️ 😍
It's not just romantic betrayal. It can be familial as well. Over & over and you keep letting it go for your grandchildren. Until you can no longer be "chill." Then they tell them grandma is over emotional & the grandchildren are gaslit. It's a horrible situation. Yet the narc adults can have 1 meltdown after another.
Doctor, I've been interested in some of the same behavioral patterns, how an abuser can so apathetically say whatever works for them, while one can only choose between letting them misrepresent everything, or, re-explaining every little thing that the narcissist already knows but has misrepresented. It'll piss you off, if you care about truth. I think that may be what designates some of us as targets; that we care about getting our words right.
Thank you so much for sharing Dr. Ramani! You nailed it again! Finally someone who understands what "he" did to me. I was so broken. Then "raked over the coals" in our justice system. I'm so grateful to still be alive! I survived and thrived to spite it ALL. ❤️
My dear Marie! Don't do it! Stop! They aren't worth it. I promise you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Hang on for the ride. Praying for angels to protect you. 🙏
Ive been watching this channel for the last few years and have found this info immensely helpful. But these last few videos have really hit home for me and have been the validation I've needed since childhood. And they have contributed to helping me clear my mind like nothing else ever has.. Thank you so much dr Ramani. You are a guiding light and a true gem for us survivors❤❤❤
I’m the epitome of this story Because I got to a point where I am so done with their BS that I lash out, aggressively and unapologetically. I’m at that point where I don’t care who I have to disown, I will not compromise my state of mind. I don’t care for friends, don’t care for girlfriends, barely for family(since one of the few that I actually cared for are dead). I just want to be at peace. No more jealousy, no more covert tactics, no guessing games, no attempts on my life(yeah that did happen a lot), no more provoking me and then calling the police on me only for me to get out of wherever they put me to get my revenge, I’m just done.
Tell your stories. If the narcissist wanted you to speak warmly about them, they should have behaved better.
I found that I personally felt I was unhinged. Because the narcissist pushed the boundaries so far. I became somebody I didn't really recognise, during the abuse. It is natural to have the reactions. But it's not natural to have a partner who purposely incites them.
or even a parent who purposely incites this stuff
I’m SO hinged and they know it! The harder they come the harder they fall! Spiritual evil is alive and the fight for truth is real.
It''s another way of silencing survivors. And allows the narcissist to "wait out" and avoid fallout, so after time passes, they can scoff, "That was so long ago. Why are you still bringing it up?" And now you're called unhinged that you can't let go. Lose-lose situation! Thank you for this validating vid Dr Ramani!
Wow that happened to me. He said that was 2 years ago and that we were not in a committed relationship we were only “dating”. He had asked me to marry him, said I was the love of his life, his one and only and he and I deserve this ideal love. Wow, then this narcissist sociopath walked off with no goodby, no explanation and said we only “dated”. What a piece of 💩 narcissist. They are all 100% THE SAME. The devil incarnate 👹👺
@@GLeon-ov9yu Devils running around disguised as people.
@@GLeon-ov9yu I almost wanna ask his name - pretty sure I dated that one, too. LOL!
Yup. This is precisely what happens.
In my case, I'd point out it was them who kept bringing it up over years that got me where I am that they are upset with. ; )
Just makes me sick. Sometimes I get afraid I'm being swallowed up by a narcissistic world. Always appreciative that you call things out and naming it
I definitely believe there's far more Narscissist than claimed. If you've weak or vulnerable in any way they'll pounce! Be especially careful at medical appointments. Record the appointment. Be cautious of therapist that could be Narcs.
@@ceilconstante640 I hear that!!
Well said! It’s maddening & exhausting!
Dr Ramani says about 50% of the population are narcissists… Dr Les Carter says 60% his brother Dr Lee Carter says 70%… yikes that’s not good odds!!! Stand up for yourself immediately and check them on their bs immediately … then they are a lot less likely to try and pull their bs and gaslight you cuz they know what is coming when they do… of course you know that they will go covert on you so stay alert and aware 🙄 they are so childish
@@ceilconstante640 most marketing is tailored towards narcs. go figure how many billions of dollars it brings. Even if narcs are at their rated %, they are on most influential and damaging positions, because uh, their game is Power. Just follow the money.
Pathologizing a severely betrayed and abused partner is common in the sex addiction/porn addiction world. Partners are often diagnosed as BPD when in fact they have PTSD/C-PTSD. I was told I was “stuck”, “bitter”, “unforgiving”, and “strident” for holding the abuser accountable, maintaining healthy boundaries, and protecting my children.
So very true. Luckily I found a therapist who was more understanding than the couples counselor who believed his justifications and painted me as the crazy one on need of change. I struggle with C-PTSD because of his betrayals every single day.
They’ll do anything to paint the other party as strange, odd or “psychopathic” when, really, whatever maladaptive patterns going-on are a direct response to the abuse.
After my abuse I was wrongly diagnosed with bpd when I had ptsd, unfortunately the mental health centre in my area also mistreated me that it turned really bad. I went through hell.
It's like she infiltrated the field of psychology to call out their bullshit from the inside.
Having been involved with a narcissist/psychopath is hell on earth, the most terrifying ordeal of fire, a life or death impasse (physical or psychic) that a person will have to face.
I agree 100%. A physical wound will heal. One can recover from financial ruin. You can start your life over. But once you’ve been abused by narcissist? You will never be the same. You can go to therapy, move on with your life, etc. You can. But you will never be the same. Narcissistic abuse forever changes us.
@@CodyPendent Definitely. Unfortunately.
Yes. 1000 times, yes.
Mhm. Narcissists don’t care if they nearly drive the person to suicide so long as they can have a good gossip with Courtney and Harley.
Literally. He drove me so mad I was so close to ending my life but stayed out of spite after realising that’s what he wanted!! 😳
See, I'm not even angry. I just don't want to be around them anymore. Our entire relationship was built upon gaslighting me and blame shifting. No matter how many times I tried to be understanding and assuming the best, I was always this controlling and manipulative villain!! I'm just like WTF!? The more I began to regulate myself and really change my own thoughts/behaviors...the worse I was treated. Tantrums over going silent. Threats to my safety. Heaven FORBID this person does anything "wrong" or causes harm because they are just SO FUCKING PERFECT! Over it. Not angry. Not hurt anymore. Over it. I do not want to make "amends" or ask this person to say "im sorry". I want NOTHING to do with them. Leave me alone. Get out of my life. You are not important to me anymore. (This person's family is so fucking enabling it makes me sick to my stomach. They want me to be enabling and forgiving. What would I need to forgive someone for when they do not see themself as a problem???)
Update: The hoovering is so impeccable that I had to beg for this individual to accept what they did to me without blame shifting into "you manipulated me our entire relationship" and I genuinely wanted to understand what I did...I didn't like a show they liked...and after they watched it for a while and talked more about it I GOT INTO WITH THEM because I loved them and I just wanted to share something in common. They didn't remember that. They experienced it as me making them feel like their interests were stupid which I am very mindful about. If I did it then I own it. I will not ever deny it. But...on top of that...they said I manipulated them by lying to them about something that I did all of the time- WITH THEM. Listen, this man is 20 years old. I am 23. We are very close in age but not in mentality. I have walked the path he is on and I speak his language very well. And, when I try to just talk to him he blames me every time. No matter how many ways I say, "I would appreciate if you just listened to how I feel...or...I would appreciate if you would acknowledge what you did first before telling me all these horrible things I've done to you." Every conversation I have had with this man...it's like a big circle going round and round, no matter which direction I try to steer the conversation, he brings us full circle somehow. And, I can honestly say it impresses me how committed he is to his role, but also it isn't acceptable. He wants me out of his life too yet hoovers. HOOVERS. Because why? Abandonment wounds. JFC. I don't want to hurt this poor man. I really love him. But, he is so toxic for my mental health that I just have to keep my boundaries which makes him really angry. He gets very antagonistic when I remind him of my boundaries. "The merry-go-round of life" (LET ME OFF!!)
Love the way You got it all together. I know hundred percent You are not angry at all, You just have it so clear now....there is no coming back from that point. Best wishes for You
SMH, I get it completely!
I want nothing to do with the vileness, the bloodsucking sickness and wickedness of the toxic so-called human beings. I say that because at the point it's realized that they've severed their humanity seeing the damage that's been done, they shouldn't be in your life.
This! This is exactly how I’ve been moving since they left and it’s been great!!! They let me alone thinking it hurts but in actuality it’s what I WANTED and honestly NEEDED🙌🏾🙌🏾
@@Journey2FindKay 💯 percent pure JOY!
I'm on my way...
My ex always told her parents I did something to her. And I always had to explain to them the real situation and then they would ask her why she painted everything so bad to them. Then the same thing would happen again and again over and over she turned her parents against me and I had to explain to them what she did to me (cheating etc.) It was exhausting and confusing. And no matter what, everything she did was my fault.
My now ex-husband told our neighbours I was "psycho and off my meds" so not to talk to me because I was unstable. I could not understand why my neighbours suddenly would not speak to me.When I mentioned this to my husband, he asked "What did you do to make them treat you that way?". I caught on to what he was doing when he had a falling out with a neighbour and he told me they were psycho and to not talk to them because they were off their meds. It all fell in to place....... So glad I divorced him.
@@stefanpavicevic5890 I would never call me lucky. You have no idea of the other abuse I have suffered (not relevant to this video)
I going through this with my neighbours now because the woman in the next unit targeted me mercilessly. Polite, quiet withdrawal from her babbling attention and refusal to fall into the countless traps she set for me utterly enraged her and she ATTACKED! What she has done to me she claimed I was doing to her, limping around playing the poor fragile victim, slandering me to anyone who'll listen in a vicious smear campaign. I am a pariah in the neighbourhood now, people who used to say hello either glare, stare or totally avoid me. It's difficult.
dang why didn't the neighbors think to even ask you about if he was telling the truth or not?, if some people are gonna still spin the tell that it's always both sides fault then they should have the humility and intelligence to question both people's sides, your neighbors are the type of people who pee me off
@@wayneelliott1180don't worry you're not alone, I'm also a social pariah/social outcast, i think most good people are in this nowadays upside down society
Oh my goodness yes!! I often got shamed for having a "tone" in my voice. I wasn't even yelling just angry and about to cry so my voice wasn't happy and cheery. Jeesh! I really needed this validation! Thanks Dr. Ramani!
Sometimes even trying to be calm isn't enough with these people - like, if you don't sound beatifically calm, it's not calm enough. And if you did sound beatific, they'd try to make it sound like it wasn't, or cast it as "heartless" anyway (though it might be harder for them to do that in public). Better to look to things other than how narcissists paint you as, and do what you need to do anyway.
Mines been doing it so much and for so long, and taking advantage of my PTSD, he'd just about convinced me that I was being abusive just by speaking to my children because my tone was so terrible when I was just in physical pain from my chronic health problems.
@@aprildawnsunshine4326 Uh I'm so sorry to hear that!! Yes I also developed PTSD and so when I was triggered because of his betrayal of me (he usually broke a boundary) he said I was abusive and shaming him. I was just having normal feelings and sadness because of his betrayal!😞
@@sadie2299 yeah I came into this with undiagnosed PTSD from childhood and I told him everything and trusted him to help me keep my mental health in check and then as soon as he decided I was more trouble than I was worth he started using it all against me. Still is tbh but I have someone helping me with an exit strategy. Just in the waiting for the shoe to drop phase.
@@aprildawnsunshine4326 Oh that's so hard!! I'm so glad you have someone to help! It's hard to navigate all this stuff too especially with PTSD. Best of luck with everything! ❤
This is my mother. A lot of your videos are aimed at narcissistic romantic relationships, but I always look at it through the scope of my mother. 100% she paints me as unhinged when I’m upset about something. If I get angry at her & call her out on her BS, she says things like, “Oh my god look at how you TREAT ME!” And she shakes her head in disgust at me for being hurt & upset by her actions/words.
She brushes my struggles aside with “Oh people have it worse!” Yet her struggles are REAL for some reason. She has no empathy. It is really disgusting. I have distanced myself from her now that I have been living on my own for 1 year, but it is still difficult to deal with.
Sometimes the best friend is the one who sits quietly next to you while you let the feelings out.
Classic move by a narcissist. Even when a narcissist is caught red handed as a liar, cheater and a thief. The narcissist will try to minimize their actions by invalidating your feelings. Narcissists are emotionally immature. Thank you 🤔❤️🇺🇸
#ReactiveAbuse I was the scapegoat of narcissist parents. They did everything to drive me mad, the more tolerance I showed, the more vile they became. I would finally snap because that’s what normal people do when they’re abused, and that anger was used to call me “disobedient” or problematic. So they used that narrative to manipulate psyche Dr.s, telling them I needed “impulse control” or that I was “bipolar” or that I needed anti depressants… my only problem was I was being abused into the ground. This developed into CPTSD and I had a nervous breakdown 20 yrs ago.
Side note: I believe Britney’s parents did the same to her.
Can totally relate
The extent to which child and school psychologists as well as psychiatrists are used to abuse the children of N's is in my opinion a national disgrace. Parents usually get what they PAY for and schools get what they want. I think we are now seeing the result of valuing obedience to authority above mental health in many ways. Schools don't want children who can stand up for themselves. When you complicate that with an abusive, authoritarian N family systems, the child has no place to turn but inward. The result of that can be a sliding scale from attacking self, to distrust of everyone. There is no incentive for anyone to help a child suffering N abuse.
@@Flyingrabbit2222 I totally agree. There was one Dr. that stuck up for me, told “dad” he was crossing boundaries. Narc dad screamed at the Dr. right there in his office and I never saw that Dr. again.
And give yourself credit for letting off steam over time. My cousin was held captive by an abusive paranoid/narc mother and narc father until the age of 34. He was the best little boy in the world. Described by all who knew him as shy. Then one day he blew. He killed his family and himself. You did the healthy thing whether your father liked it or not. Much love to you in your healing.
@@Flyingrabbit2222 I’m so deeply sorry to hear that. I hope you and your family are surrounded by supportive and kind people like yourself.
As an Algerian woman raised Muslim in America, this really hits home for me with my narc mom and dysfunctional family. Especially with suitors I've had to deal with and my immature Jordanian narc father
aw so sorry :(
How r u algerian if your father is Jordanian? Surely it’s your mom who’s Algerian…
@@nabdul1523 yes...obviously my mother is algerian and I was raised with her side of the family
Hehe, plz excuse my ignorance! My mother who raised me alone is different clan to my father yet I always identified with my fathers side.
My husband is narc and is causing havoc on my life with our kids,
I can’t imagine having two parents who are narcs, May Allah make it easy for you sister and grant you a happy and peaceful home with empathetic husband and children Amiin.
north african born and raised in america. Narcistic parents created such a dysfunction within the family that ive legit gotten in relationships with narcs only. Worst shit ever
In my toxic relationship for 20 years I wasn't able to have friends, if I were to share the b's with a common friend who I know the comments will come back the storm would begin. Being cheated on sucks, having the blame put on me was stupid. At this point I'm putting my effort into regaining my relationship with my 19 year old Son. One day I will share my truth with him and he will get to know the real man I am. Thanks Dr. Ramani your videos remind me of how amazing us survivers truly are
That's horrible!
I grew up swearing my father was "guilty" for our unstable home enviroment. I put all the blame on him untill I had like 19 or 20 years old. It was really hard to fight my instinct to keep believing that he was the angry, problematic parent and that me, my sister and my mom would have been much better off literally anywhere else but by his side. But slowly, and painfully I started to have flashbacks of my childhood. More and longer ones with the years. Finally I got into self healing, self awareness and I started to know me through my own eyes. Learning about cptsd helped so much. Today, I know my mom was a lot more troubled than my dad. I judged him so hard becouse of my mom's manipulative control over all my family, extended family and common circle of friends. Inside the home, they had no impulse control, no patience, no respect, and outside almost everything was a performance of the happy family. Now that I know and understand the real story, I found a way to love them again and forgive us all.
I wish this story helps in any way to give you hope. I mean, you are willing to help your son to understand, so I'd think you both have good chances of building a great relationship. Best wishes for you and your son, and may that be a compassionated and loving new begining.
@@artifundio1 Thanks man, that hit home for a Dad who's son probably feels a lot like you did about your Dad. I can only hope, some day he sees the truth.
@@artifundio1 your truth is powerful and validation. Many blessings to you
Both of my parents did this to me. My mother would claim there was something mentally wrong with me if I ever criticized her. She encouraged the rest of the family to do, or say, anything to me, including my older brother beating me with fists until he knocked the breath out of me, and she would always tell me I deserved it. This went on my entire childhood. The ganging up on me, feeling like I didn't have an ally in the world, would make me so bitter and upset. My mother seemed unnatural to me. Then she would tell my father I disrespected her, and had mental problems, so he'd hit me when he came home, too. It didn't matter what facts I would present, both my parents would simply ignore them. If I was upset with anyone, I had mental problems. If anyone was upset with me, it was valid and I deserved it. This has twisted me up so badly that I'm still affected, decades later. They still justify doing anything they want to me, and if I get upset about it, I have mental problems.
About a year ago, they did this again. Did something terrible and then claimed I had mental problems for not liking it. Only, this time, I made sure the entire conversation was through texts and emails. I showed the whole thing to my husband, a therapist, and eventually just a couple of friends. My husband was shocked that my mother could be so vicious. She always showed him her sweet, smiling side. I think my husband thought I was over-sensitive or exaggerating when I would try to explain conversations to him. Until he read their words to me, he didn't realize I was being literal. Everyone I showed all told me it was not normal, and that my family treats me like I'm some lower caste. Everyone found it really weird how every single member of my family just ignores when I explain how their actions hurt me, or how I'm treated differently. The therapist said my family gaslights me, scapegoats me, and treats me as beneath them. She said the dynamic was toxic for me. She told me to set firm boundaries, and to decide for myself how much, if any, contact to have with them. But I don't know how to set healthy boundaries. Standing up for myself is viewed as a mental problem to my family. They claim I get angry over nothing. I tried for a year to get my parents to apologize. Every time, they tell me I have mental problems to object. I couldn't take it anymore and have refused to have anything to do with them for the past year. Now they claim I have mental problems to avoid them. I haven't seen them for a year, and yet I can't get to the point that they don't bother me. It's like I can escape physically, but not mentally. I just want peace.
we are not robots......thank goodness. We have real feelings.
Thank you for this excellent lesson Dr. Ramani.
It does help to be reminded that it isnt a crime to express emotion when betrayed by a " loved" one. thanks Dr.R
All of this has made me so angry & didn’t deserve to go through any of this
This doctor makes SOOOOO much sense. I am a pastor who left my church six months ago because of wildly dysfunctional and unethical leaders in the church. Since that time, I have been portrayed as the problem, and as an unreliable pastor (bear in mind I have been in ministry for almost 40 years now, never having been fired, and have been successful at every church I have pastored.) I've kept my mouth shut because I don't want to stir up more trouble for church I left, but it has been hard and frustrating. Anyway, these videos, particularly this one, have helped tremendously. Thank you Dr. Ramani.
Have you read the book, "Something's Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse--and Freeing Yourself from Its Power" by Wade Mullen? He's a pastor. Apparently, narcissists often seek power in churches.
Thank you thank you thank you. I am normal. Anger is normal. Having negative feelings and expressing them is normal. HAVING A FLAT AFFECT IS NOT NORMAL AND SHOULD NOT BE ENCOURAGED. Yes that can be a trauma response, to be emotionally flat. I'm not judging that, I have gone thru stages of emotional numbness in my life as well, it's a terrible place to be. I'm not speaking on that. Rather those that are uncomfortable with their own emotions and therefore find it appropriate to tell you that you are dysfunctional for expressing your emotions. I'm not encouraging going full "left eye" in the 90s on your partner. That's not ok either. But yes, feel and express what you feel. That is a basic freedom.
One of the appalling aspects of dealing with an abusive personality- is that they often present challenging situations outside of the presence of others. It does not seem to matter what the target's reaction is- and no matter how calmly one reacts to an abusive situation; an NPD seems to immediately tell a false story about how the target became angry in that situation they attempted to create. Whether one is calm or not, in response to an abusive act- they will begin the storytelling almost immediately. In their story- the target became unglued at the slightest provocation. As a realist, living in a world of true events, is fabulous.
My narcissist did this regularly. Then my daughter witnessed it when my narcissist didn't know she was there.....Until my daughter was confused and openly questioned the narcissist on it. That's when the beginning of (thankfully) the discard phase started.
So true
Yeah what I noticed some of them do is passive aggressively/covertly poke at you on one topic for a loooooong time. Even if you grey rock. Then the one time you respond (or even not respond), they will be like "wow why are you so sensitive about this topic!!!"
And then they have their big narrative.
They'll even take a blank face as a response, because why aren't you being more pleasant about their put downs?
A made up example: they could make comments about your weight for a year with no response to you. Then one day they will take it a step further and poke your belly while doing it. Now when you tell them calmly to stop, they will run off as the victim and cry to others about how you hate them for worrying about your health. You won't speak to them, you fight with them, etc.
They 100% know how wrong they are, I'm sure of it.
But if you can gran onto your own reality and use their INSANE actions to stop caring about them as people, you can tell those twisted little gremlins run off to tell all the delusional tales they want. Still won't make me love, like, respect, or listen to them. It won't change the reality of who they are or who we are.
My sister with NPD….talking to my parents and they tell me to get over it. She stole from my family in such a manipulative way and I need to move on. NOPE. Dr Ramani you’ve helped me through so much. Thank you with all my heart. ❤️ when it’s my own sibling, it’s soooo hard.
Spot on!!! I’m almost eighty seven and still have residual affects from a 25 year, five children , marriage to a narcissistic, psychotic husband. He left me for a younger , much younger woman over forty plus years ago. To younger people thinking of marriage or a relationship..be soooo very careful. They will love bomb you until your captured. They are lovely in public, behind closed door, watch out. Your like a captured small animal. Thanks dr for your wise words.🥰
Yes I was shamed, and gaslit for being angry, walking away etc. Thanks a lot dr Ramani for this passionate talk and all the good work you have done and keep doing for the victim/ thrivers of NA. Helped me a lot in my recovery!
Unfortunately, one can watch the Gabby Petito Moab police event as a clear example of this unhinged behavior. The misunderstandings and misperceptions about reactive abuse cost her her life.
Sorry, there were 2 personality disorders going on in that duo and had been since they started trying to date in early teen years. Her 4 parents missed out the issues back in the teen years that her friends and school staff saw. Had they paid attention back then to the violent dynamic of the 2 teens, they wouldn't have welcomed him back into her life in his 20s and perhaps would have gotten her help with her own self worth and decision making. No that doesn't excuse hie final act, but had she been helped she wouldnt have refused to drive herself away when he flew away, nor tried to pit a volatile relationship into a van for a cross country trip when she knew at home she had to take time outs from his rage at friends homes for days. Smh
@@joywebster2678 wow! Great insight from obviously a front row perspective.
@@joywebster2678 That’s so sad. I also have a personality disorder (BPD, self-loathing type), and I worry how its symptoms contribute to my difficulty parting ways with people I love who treat me abusively, especially cutting off contact entirely, especially when I know they’re in a bad way. It breaks my heart to know she also had inner demons whispering in her ear that she ought not to run or save herself from the abuse. I feel very lucky my ex has never harmed me physically. Thank you for sharing this information.
I love it when the narcissist wrongs you so blatantly, and then they immediately try to shame you and say you're pouting because you're just so fucking shocked that they would say such a thing right to your face. And they wonder why we hate them.
Exactly, exactly, exactly! I learned to keep it to myself now, few can understand and the victim is judged all the time for showing hurt.
My mom has always done this to me. My sisters have even viewed me as unhinged and act scared of me and it makes me even more angry… really it’s hurtful and isolating. I am learning in my twenties that it’s healthy to feel a full range of emotions. I pray my sisters can feel angry for themselves one day
Trust is valuing each other's feelings 💗
There's definitely betrayal trauma. Making me out to be unhinged/angel depending on the person they're talking to, they're the victim/bad boy turning good.
Grieving is where I am right now, you validate, are vulnerable and hold space for us.. thank you Dr Ramani ❤️
Girl yes. Youre not alone. Stand your ground, firmly in your truth. See it all for what it is… be neutral, eventually people show their true colors- i PROMISE. Just let him run his mouth & fall on his own words over time. Youre good girl, you got this. Head up high!!!!!!!!!!
@@josiecat8080 Oh my goodness.. thank you! Sending you a tea tight warm hug ❤️
Telling people who are close to you is important, anybody who is pathologising your valid and normal emotions and reactions to betrayal is gaslighting you. We need to feel and express and process our emotions to heal them. Anybody who is telling you to just get ober it is not safe and healthy for you. We must be people who have emotions, not numb robots! Thank you for your wise validation dr Ramani.
It has inflicted Moral Injury on my Soul!
This is so spot on! My x would always remain super calm on the outside especially in public whilst I had very human and expressive reactions. He convinced so many people in our small community that I was psycho - it was humiliating and really had a terrible effect on my self esteem. I was not strong enough not to doubt myself at times. so tragic, but we can heal. Videos and therapists like Dr. Ramani are gold.
I agree completely and would even say that the inauthenticity of "playing it cool" is not only unhealthy for us (it's self-betrayal) but just "feeds the dysfunction" in the relationship...it's not honest behaviour and without authenticity there realy IS no relationship to "hold onto". If being real about how you're feeling doesn't or "can't" move things in the direction of healing and repair, there's realy no healthy way forward other than full acceptance of that fact.
I agree it is self betrayal.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for you expertise. Yes one feels pain, yes one gets angry feel it but no violence. As for myself, a year ago my brother passed away that I had helped driving to doctors for 4 years. I lived with him and his wife for a year, with home health and at the last hospice. It was not easy. Narcissism was on all sides of my family. No one came, or if one or two younger ones did at times, I had to just move through it. I would take time put and take photographs of the lake and nature or just walk outside and breathe. He has been dead ayear ago today. I called his wife to see if she would like to go for lunch.She is 83 and has a little dementia. She likes to be alone and I give her space. After his death I did what I could. Buying groceries errands. The summer came and more people are at the lake, so I backed off. I have not be well physically myself. But I thank you for all your help to give me the tools to get through this experience of life. THANK YOU❤️ Also I chose not to go to his funeral as I had told them before his passing, that I bring flowers while someone is alive. My brother understood. He passed in my arms. I was so grateful that home health and hospice had my back. Extradinary women , who helped me through all of it also. Today I am sad, but it is an emotion, that will pass. ❤️
It happens like this with employers too. The kind who 'press the orange and throw away the skin'. They will then advise you books like 'Who moved my cheese?', painting job loss as an opportunity, when you risk ending on the street, or at the very least, in debt, and you have to shelf plans like going on that long planned (and already paid for) holiday, having medical treatment, getting a mortgage and buying a home, or carrying on studying for an online degree or a qualification.
Do we work together?
"Who moved my cheese?" "FISH" and "Rhinoceros Success" are on the list.
it is rampant in employment.
Start your own business....I am seriously considering it☺
Who cut the cheese? 😱
Specifically women, women are not allowed to be angry. Anger is a perfectly acceptable emotional response for men to experience, but women are expected to keep it in and experience anger gracefully.
Are you kidding me? Men can't do anything and women will accuse us of abuse. Women aren't held accountable at all. I could call the cops after being assaulted by a woman and I'd go to jail not the assaulter and I'd be charged with reacting to an assault. That's the truth. Women get away with criminal behavior all the time. While the state is throwing bones at men for anything we do.
Especially in the context of divorce/family court.
Yep 👍!!
@@gigibtsurvivor3348 Definitely. We have to constantly police our facial expressions and tone of voice, specifically in court, so as not to show a trace of anger otherwise we will be labeled as “unstable”. Just look at the case against Brian Laundrie, you can hear in her voice how distressed and scared she was, yet the cops were painting her as the abuser. Meanwhile he’s buddy buddy with the cops just sitting there shooting the sh*t with them. Any emotions other then happy and sad are not “feminine”. How many times do random men approach other random men on the street telling them “you should smile”? I’m willing to bet never. How many times are women told by random men on the street to smile? Every woman has experienced this at least once. Society does not allow women to experience the full spectrum of human emotion.
Same thing in mixed race relationship
Their goal is too look good and this is a tool they use. Thank you for your message and validation.
Oh thank you!!! I needed this so much today!!
Yes!!!
They look at me as rejecting them. When people keep you beneath them, the height makes me uncomfortable.
Yes! Thank you so much for validating me and my feelings. For the first 9 years of this hell, he would make me feel like it was just me, that it was in MY head, that only * I* would "think" that way, or react that way, or be "suspicious", etc, etc. Although he's the one who cheated, replaced me with porn, lied, betrayed, hid, denied, and broke promises, he would put me down and call me broken, told me I couldn't be fixed, that I was worthlrss, and sooooo much more. If it wasn't for your effort to shed light and bring awareness to this crazy making ABUSE, I would still be under his manipulative spell, believing I was the problem. After all my experience and research in narcissism and narcissistic abuse, I should have a PhD in psychology now too. I'm not free from this hell yet due to $$$, but I can't wait for the day when I'll walk out that door for the last time. I will never be completely free from him because he trapped me with a child, but at least I won't have to be abused every day of my life living in the same house with this demon. Lord, please hear my prayers! I'm like a desperate caged animal here.
Tell me where u live.. Because some one can help you to live a better
life 🙂... Be strong and courageous..
Wow, yes! I could cry right now. Thank you. And forcing myself to “chill” Only lead to inner hatred. I’ve had to take a lot of time to even heal the ramifications of quieting my emotions after the break up. It’s been hell. But your videos have really helped.
The “chill” takes away their shame while simultaneously gaslighting ourselves.
I think one of the worst things I was told by a well meaning flying monkey was that I needed to move on. It made me feel like I should immediately stop feeling anything, like gaslighting by proxy! 🤦♀️
Yes I felt shut down emotionally because of all the judgement I received for ‘being negative’! I’d had really negative experiences so that’s normal to ‘be negative’ in those circumstances but everyone around me were numbed out and dissociated from being alcoholics and drug abusers not looking at their own trauma
It’s because they don’t want to hear it. Most people have very low emotional intelligence and society has been engineered by sociopaths in power so that we all are shut down in the empathy department too busy surviving and not allowed to express emotions so people have been programmed to police you if you do dare to emote
You are my online healing go to person. Many many thanks.
Thank you so much for talking more about this! I don't think survivors can hear this enough. It is SO easy to see yourself being upset, angry, arguing, yelling, and fall into the trap of the gaslighters telling you 'YOU don't have the right to be upset!' with a gleeful smirk. No matter what they do to you- YOU are ALWAYS the problem if you get UPSET about it.
Then you continuously think 'how am I supposed to keep surviving this treatment without getting upset?" your mind can go to crazy places trying to figure out how to deal with the pain.
It got so bad for me that I couldn't cry anymore because of how much I had been shamed and attacked over it by my husband. I started having severe anxiety and would be triggered into having serious panic attacks every time I went out. When I was finally able to go hide and have a good long cry after years of having to accept the abuse, I instantly felt less anxiety and less panic. I realized that the stress was actually manifesting as severe anxiety, preventing me from living a normal life, but I wasn't fully aware of why. When I was able to release the pain through crying, my body and mind instantly felt relief.
It showed me how ESSENTIAL it is for a person to be able to express themselves and their emotions, and if you can't do that, your body will express the pain and stress in other ways.
This CAN happen with an adult child as well! When they betray and turn on you. It is one of the most painful betrayals a person can bear.
You’re so right about being “chill” about it doesn’t it make any better.
I’m thinking the real narcissist is the partner, and my child is being directed by the narcissist.
Oh boy, I've been in this mess for decades with my adult children. I know how you feel. It's hell. They are all loyal to my ex, always have been, and the worst part us they are keeping me from seeing my grandchildren. The ex has free access, However. That's a worse heartbreak.
Going through exactly the issue you are talking about. It's incredibly painful, like walking around daily doing all tasks with a spear jammed in your heart. Nothing you do makes things any better (I have tried all kinds of things).
Never did I think after all the years trying to be the stable parent, that I would be left essentially childless.
@@aylan.6212 I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's the toughest thing any parent can go through, hands down. Yes. We try to stay busy, but that wound is always making its presence known, right? Let me encourage you to surrender it all to the Lord. You know Satan knows what hurts us and he will twist that knife our kids stabbed us with, making us feel guilty or inadequate, or we did the wrong thing. In some cases that may be true. But overall, if you're married to a narcissist, you are NOT at fault. We all make mistakes, every one of us. Jesus is the only perfect one. He can carry this burden for you. The Bible says, "God draws near to the broken-hearted." Life is hard, but God is good. He loves your kids infinitely more than you do. Give your life to Him, through repentance and surrender. Pray for your children. If you belong to Jesus, if you've repented of your sins, He will hear your prayers.
my narc just vanished with someone else, after yrs of my devotion & kindness, then was suddenly 💯 indifferent to me. she did some breadcrumbing to amuse herself but never had enough interest to launch a campaign of blame-shifting or insults. there’s nowhere & no one to express my anger to. thx for comforting words about the emotions. they help.
Thank you Dr. Ramani for this very validating video. I still question myself in low moments if I was "over dramatic" because I expressed my anger and hurt for such traumatic betrayal. Thank you for reassuring its normal to feel and express a natural and needed emotion.
Thank you for validating my feelings. Few weeks after I confronted my wife she asked me how I was feeling (she was acting as if nothing happened); the only thing that came to my mind to say was "I am mourning our relationship"
Your videos are such a savior for me between therapy visits. The reality check that I'm not the problem. I'm not insane just because I react to being picked at. I'm not a bad person for having normal human reactions to being intentionally overwhelmed and bullied.
Also if you *don't* care, or if you remain calm to try and work through a narcissistic fit, the narcissist will use that against you too. Because only an 'unstable' person who doesn't care about them would be able to remain calm. My ex did that all the time. Used my ability to handle his narcissistic fits calmly (because I have a lifetime of experience with it) and trying to calm his emotions without worrying about my own feelings, as evidence that I actually hated him and was going to cheat any second.
I didn't let the narc get away with her and her friend bullying me while in a position of coming for help!!! Called the situation out and was met with 'It's all in yer 'ed!!'. NO, it's actually happening at an energy level!!!! Narc ex-husband threatened to have me committed and have the children taken away from me when I resisted his toxic behaviour. I've helped a few abused wives informally and 3 of them were threatened with this as well. When they threaten you with this I've realised they're desperate and backed into a corner, the last throws of the narc. Diaboloical behaviour, very controlling .... coming from weak people who NEED you but project that you need them. Thanks Dr Ramani. xxx
Yes mine made out that I needed him so much but he really wasn’t that into me after 8 months of HIM continuously texting me every day inviting himself over when I really didn’t even want him there then when his ego inflated and he thought he could do better 😂 I told him I don’t want to be friends with him and he freaked out! Accusing me of being the controlling one whilst all the while spinning this sneaky web of deceit around me that he thought I didn’t notice was happening
This was such amazing, validating content! Yes, our emotions are valid and need to be expressed. Being quiet not only hides our pain and injustice we've endured, but also protects their (Teflon) image. Thank you so much Dr. Ramani!
Self talk has gotten me through a lot. I ask myself what would I tell someone else in the same circumstances, and I remind myself that I would not want THEM to allow the bad behavior.
That last sentence I needed to hear so much
Betrayal with another woman by your X narc is bad-
BUT when he has brainwashed your grown children against you is the absolute WORST!
Loosing the children you spent years loving and caring for breaks you heart!!
I had no idea he was training them to hate me for years. 💔
Exactly!!😭
I’m sorry for your pain.
Hopefully they will see the truth. 💞
I forgive a lot, but not a betrayal, so, he's gone, I'll be fine...
Thankful for your helping videos Dr. Ramany, I love you!💖🌹
This is so helpful. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I feel so validated.
It has been a week since I finally found out he has been lying and manipulating me for the last 2 and a half years. That’s ok! Dr. Ramani had me be aware of all the red flags. Needles to say I broke up (proudly) and have been bench watching Dr. Ramani and Cheaters. Cheaters is Such a great show for witnessing textbook narcissistic behavior and helping me validate my experiences of betrayal.
read and be reminded:👀anytime the narc accuses you of something, it's really them just telling on themselves. nothing more, nothing less.
stay strong, and be educated on toxic behaviours so you can sidestep the poop on the sidewalk of life, and you can live a positive life.
cheers from southern ontario 🍁
This is a beautiful reminder of how "it's ok to feel."
My narc ex would say…oh your anger makes me defensive and I can’t talk to you. Except I wasn’t angry, I was so hurt by his infidelity I could barely function. I was continually gaslighted about my feelings.
Sometimes, I sit and just listen to the video 3 or 4 times while I process everything beneath the surface. It's surreal that I can trust my intuition when it comes to other people, but when it comes to my narcissist I second guess myself even though they've proven my intuition right in the past. It really is a mental battle that has gotten physical a couple of times and even though I can clearly see the damage it's doing to my mental state and how it's affecting my life around it, it's still hard to trust myself and just walk away. 6 years....and lately for some reason I've been thinking about my life span and the reality of only having so much time has set in. I feel I'm at a crossroads and still don't feel strong enough to make the decision that I feel is right in my gut. You're videos have helped me begin to heal and realign myself and still its so hard to break the trauma bond. It's like my body is stuck in fight/flight mode physiologically. Like trying to crawl out if quicksand every day yet when I've gotten out in the past, I longed to jump back in despite the clear actions that this person did not value me as they should. I'm working on healing my heart and diving deep into truly loving myself and knowing myself so that I may have strength and discernment to do whats best and avoid this ever again in the future. Thank you so much for your help.
There should be a quadruple "like" button on this app 😁
Thank you Dr Ramani for all the help that you provide - it is lifesaving work you do!
Being told “you victimize yourself” just because you bring it up and need to talk about what happened in order to heal
I really needed this message today. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
Thanks so much Dr. Ramani!!!
Thank you so much for this video- it is exactly what I have been through for the past 4 years after having to go no contact with my entire, enmeshed, toxic family of origin. My sister and mother both narcissists, control everyone and have painted me the crazy, unhinged one- even saying so to my innocent special needs niece( who told me so). My only option is to stay away, as I have tried to have individual relationships with my other sisters and cousins, to no avail. Jealously runs rampant and my narc sister, who holds the resources, won’t allow them to even talk to me. It’s been lonely and sad, but I have learned to develop my inner strength and luckily have a great partner and adult children who stand by me. Your talks really reiterate to me that I’m doing the right thing and give me the resolve to keep going. Thank you so much. You are truly the best in your field. ♥️
Valuable information for me. I was feeling bad for not doing the "chill" thing. I may get there but not now.
Dr Ramani, you are an absolute saviour.
A friend (we met on a forum for sufferers of N.A. and have continued to help eachother survive the rollercoaster) introduced me to your videos some months ago, and since then I've rabbit-holed...
You have helped me understand my Wife of 22 years more than I could ever have hoped to.
The fact is, over the years, I have intuited much of what I now know to be fact. The immeasurably deep insecurity and self-loathing, the inability to empathise with my children or I - yet cry buckets over the death of a dignitary: I'm from the UK, we lost kind of a big one recently.
Also the saintly behaviour towards others, whilst giving me merry hell for buying the wrong washing powder, the gaslighting, the inability to admit culpability or apologise (i've had five in 2 decades, only one of which i believe may have had anything to do with contrition)....there is so much more.
I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Your videos are painful to watch, but so validating.
Much love to you and yours.
Rob.
It's a narcissist fave!! One trick my mother used to pull was to get quieter and quieter when she pissed off my stepfather, followed by an admonition to "lower your voice". This caused him to become absolutely hysterical, and appear unhinged, which is what she wanted. God she's awful..and doing just fine at 91.
The Narcissists are UNREGULATED every day. Us HEALTHY people have REAL emotions. Narcissists only have 2 emotions: Envy & Rage. 🎯Nailed it Dr. Ramani🎯🔥🔥🔥
Oh yes. This is the new tactic my herd of narcs are using lol
Me setting boundaries or god forbid yelling makes them nervous
This is what my family of origin would do if I spoke up. I know it. You've made me feel more secure in myself, less at the mercy of this ridiculous but hideously toxic dynamic. I probably won't speak up, won't do that to certain people but if it happens I know I have Team Ramani by my side. 💓
Thank you for your words, Dr. Ramani. They totally make sense. i'm 48 now. I found out about my narc partner cheating on me in february. We are no longer together. It was absolutelly heart breaking for me to see how he was in a hurry for things to go back to normal, accusing me of not letting it go, for ruminating about the cheating all the time. 2 and a 1/2 months after that, I was done with his behaviour. No contact ever since. We had a relationship for more than 8 years.
Sometimes you don’t realize what’s happened until someone else voices it.
Thank you.
It's painful how much I relate to this. My grandmother is currently on a smear campaign with the whole family, making me out to an awful person and granddaughter because I won't tolerate her gaslighting and abusive behavior. I'm the bad guy for having boundaries. 🙄
“I don’t think so.” Oh snap! Slam Dunk, Dr Ramani!!! 🙌🧚♀️🐝🦇🙃
Your videos are so much of a mirror 🪞 to my life. Been 10yrs, but moving out. Done done done
Just do it!!!
Good Luck & Best wishes!!
Gosh I needed this. I’ve found myself in life having to rely on people who portrayed narcissistic traits. I experienced major health issues and the ones who took me in had these traits. They pinned me between “I’ve taken you in so you must obey or you are entirely ungrateful” and I felt like I had to be a mouse on the wall in both circumstances. My focus was just on healing and staying out of their way. When I left, I finally had the ability to process that weird dichotomy between being taken in at a low point and feeling oddly abused and neglected, and forced. I began speaking about it to family because I decided I wasn’t going to fear being taken as “ungrateful”. I could be grateful for having a place to stay AND process the weirdness it was. Well, a family member who portrays these traits weaponized my processing to say that I am ungrateful and uses it against me every time, telling other people that I have a victim mindset among other things. I needed to hear you say “ITS NORMAL TO PROCESS THESE FEELINGS” Dr. Ramani-thank you.
I can now say after surviving a narcissistic marriage of 22 years , that this all does make sense . And that there are better days ahead people 👍keep pushing forward through it all and you will come out the other side . This was a true ! Great video. Don’t give up ! Keep the faith 👍
Yes.. Unhinged was his favorite word to throw at me whenever I responded normally to his crap.
@Lily M Schons Always trust your intuition. What made me finally break away was realizing how much I enjoyed my life during those times when I had been discarded and he had blocked me over something minor. It's important for women to feel safe. 🙏🏼❤️🙏🏼
@Lily M Schons That's just part of their game. Saying those things is just a way to break you down and emotionally dependent upon them so they can stay in control.
When it happens I suggest to ask "how did you think I would react?" And then, whatever they say (cause you know narcissists say all sort of nonsensical word salads) follow up with "I am sorry you were so stupid you thought I wouldn't mind that you..." (whatever the narcissist did to you). If you think insulting the narcissist is not a good idea in your case, Just say "well, you thought wrong, because I DO mind"
Thank you again, Dr. Ramini. 🙏🏾
Wheeewwww! At the end once I understood what he was doing it stopped hurting …he let it slip he had his brother on the phone when I was cleaning and listening to music jamming and turned it into “she’s acting crazy cuz we are done”! I wasn’t at all! I was really chilling and called him out on it but it was too late as brother was already off the phone! I didn’t care because I knew what he was doing but it made me realize he did this aaaallll the time in our relationship!
Happy he is gone and I am having fun learning to love myself, my freedom, and do not miss the negativity! Thank you Dr. Ramani and the community I found with other survivors! 🖤
A narcissistic friendship can/will also lead to betrayal. It's different, but it still hurts. At least in this case you don't have children or live with them, so leaving the relationship may be easier. They will still try to invalidate or gaslight you after a betrayal of trust. Again, it's different and not to the same extent as a romantic relationship. It hurts differently and leaving looks different, too. Hard to say, but it's another lesson learned...
I couldn't sit still from the beginning whilst watching this video. I have experienced this and am living it but it's hard because the times I've expressed real genuine emotion as a reaction - it's written off. It's been used as a tool against me and I've felt such a fool.
Someone posted this comment from another channel days ago: "They incite you, provoke you, and smash through your boundaries. When you
react, they use that reaction to call you "crazy." They in turn use your reaction, to
prove that they're the "superior" one. They then slander you with their enablers."
This has been my reality. I've held back my reaction and emotions and felt suffocated. Your videos have helped and in some moments o feel so disappointed in myself for allowing someone to take so much away from me. I can't express my thoughts or feelings on anything, even the weather, because it's used against me and presented to her people to reinforce her narrative. I get the full works, discard, scapegoating, gaslighting, breadcrumbs, stonewalling...
I'm still a bit broken but I am grateful for your videos, they have helped me figure out my situation and he's the kicker; it happens to men too.
I’m so sorry you’re living in such an abusive situation. I only recently got out of a similar dynamic with my abusive ex.
I found a concept by a woman named Dr Rhoberta Shaler, who also has a UA-cam channel, was helpful to me with navigating horrible, twisting, gaslighting conversation with my ex where I always ended up blamed for whatever had gone wrong. She calls it her “personal weather report”. I think of it as kind of “i statements” on steroids: it’s learning how to express what you think and how you feel without referring to any other person by name or pronoun. It’s quite challenging, and I often failed. But the times when I was able to use it effectively, I found it was much harder for her to argue with me than during most of my interactions with her.
You may find it helpful for surviving your situation too. My heart goes out to you for what you’re living with. I hope you’re able to get away from your abuser. You deserve so much better than the awful things they’re doing to you.
@@poison_plays Thank you very much for the kind words. I'll admit, it feels a bit odd receiving such encouragement.I have looked at Dr Rhoberta Shaler's channel and bookmarked it. Once again, thank you I really appreciate it.
THE THING IS, AS MUCH AS THEY WANT TO SAY THAT WE ARE THE UNHINGED ONES, WE STILL SLEEP WELL AT NIGHT. Just knowing in our hearts that we're not out there to hurt, that already make us better people than them. LOVE AND LIGHT! ❤️ 😍
It's not just romantic betrayal. It can be familial as well. Over & over and you keep letting it go for your grandchildren. Until you can no longer be "chill." Then they tell them grandma is over emotional & the grandchildren are gaslit. It's a horrible situation. Yet the narc adults can have 1 meltdown after another.
Thank you for this video! So true, experienced/ing this right now. I’m in the middle of my healing journey and no one gets it.
I had these sick "people", shame, ridicule and label me for going into counselling. It's a power thing for them and they don't want to lose power.
Doctor, I've been interested in some of the same behavioral patterns, how an abuser can so apathetically say whatever works for them, while one can only choose between letting them misrepresent everything, or, re-explaining every little thing that the narcissist already knows but has misrepresented. It'll piss you off, if you care about truth. I think that may be what designates some of us as targets; that we care about getting our words right.
Calling out a betrayal in public is the fastest way to be left bewildered and injured, they never want to be held accountable, FOR ANYTHING!!!
Thank you so much for sharing Dr. Ramani! You nailed it again! Finally someone who understands what "he" did to me. I was so broken. Then "raked over the coals" in our justice system. I'm so grateful to still be alive! I survived and thrived to spite it ALL. ❤️
Thank you kindly💞 for sharing.
Me: at the moment with suicidal tendencies.🕊
My dear Marie! Don't do it! Stop! They aren't worth it. I promise you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Hang on for the ride. Praying for angels to protect you. 🙏
I hate when you react and then they act like you're crazy grrrr
Ive been watching this channel for the last few years and have found this info immensely helpful. But these last few videos have really hit home for me and have been the validation I've needed since childhood. And they have contributed to helping me clear my mind like nothing else ever has.. Thank you so much dr Ramani. You are a guiding light and a true gem for us survivors❤❤❤
I’m the epitome of this story
Because I got to a point where I am so done with their BS that I lash out, aggressively and unapologetically. I’m at that point where I don’t care who I have to disown, I will not compromise my state of mind. I don’t care for friends, don’t care for girlfriends, barely for family(since one of the few that I actually cared for are dead). I just want to be at peace. No more jealousy, no more covert tactics, no guessing games, no attempts on my life(yeah that did happen a lot), no more provoking me and then calling the police on me only for me to get out of wherever they put me to get my revenge, I’m just done.
You made perfect sense!
Thank you!!