Dating a DA person is like dating a narcissist. You will be walking on eggshells and one small mistake that remind them of the past and they will trigger and begin their cold exit strategy... If you try to help them they get annoyed. If you show them affection they get bored. If you do this or that they will throw a tantrum like a spoiled kid. I think it is easier to date a Rock than to a DA person. They are similar. Both cold. Hard and quiet. But at least the rock doesn’t run away out of the blue.
@@Mandance true. And I know that now. I have learned a lot and I can detect them very early on now. The sad part is that there are soooooo many avoidant people. Better to stay single than to navigate that mine field.
Avoidants can't do healthy relationships. Characteristics of healthy relationships include trust, openness, boundaries, respect, affection, communication, and mutual give-and-take.
Here is how you reattract and avoidant. Act like you are ready to move on in a month or so make it look real. Post pics to make them jealous that you may move on and post positive pics like working out and confident. It works. They come back.
i think i went from being a secure attachment to anxious attachment and now I'm avoidant … guess sometimes people just break you so bad, you don't want to open up again.
Hey me too! It was years in a relationship with an avoidant that caused me to become insecure and now I am pretty doubtful about any possible new relationship.
I use to be a secure too and then became anxious, years of avoidant, now finding my way back to secure again. I had been broken so bad dating an abusive covert narcissist. The psychological and physical torment took awhile to heal from but I did. And I don’t know your story but I’m sure you will find your way back too.
@@barbaraladams5304 i feel like I'm gonna mess up any relationship i get into...i tried again but then eventually gave up cause i felt like i was doing everything. My Partner knew about my ex (the entire story) and they'd purposely trigger me about it. at last i finally said goodbye. i don't think i wanna be in a relationship anytime soon...
Avoidants are not avoidant because of their partner. They are avoidant with secure people, too. They become fearful and deactivate because of their own trauma and triggers. They need to fix themselves.
Agree, and thank you for being one of the few comments that doesn't crap all over us. For the ones that actually know their problem - We didn't choose to be this way, and certainly don't want to. Seems ridiculous that people are basically blaming someone for having trauma that was completely out of control.
@@aron4408 but your trauma is not an excuse for hurting others. i bet hitler and stalin had many traumas too. the moment u destroy innocents, any empathy towards you from me goes to the void.
So... in short, anxious needs to pursue anxious; secure can pursue anyone; avoidants need to be AVOIDED! Or, they can find each other, and the relationship will go nowhere, which caters to their nature! Win- win!
It’s weird that they say Avoidants and Anxious attract each other but that makes no sense. Avoidants literally don’t want to be chased which is all anxious attachment styles do. It’s better to say anxious are drawn to avoidant but not the other way around
@@Gbb93 avoidants are initially drawn to anxious because they want that connection, and want to be chased. That’s why they are notorious for love bombing early on. It’s when they are triggered that the avoidant tendencies come out.
attachment styles can change though. two anxious attachments being together will not end well. you might think it would work out because they are BOTH clingy but someone is going to be less clingy and will most likely become more avoidant
We all have issues but avoidants are especially damaging because their inability or unwillingness to process emotions cause so much pain for the ppl that love them and they can't even empathize. Everything is about them when THEY are ready. I'm all set.
Yep. Along with not communicating and fearing vulnerability... they have two strong traits preventing their needs from getting met. Meanwhile they pretend everything is OK. That's a form of gaslighting. They make their partner think they are meeting their needs and they aren't. Then they ghost. With little to no communication. It's just wrong.
@@BuzzBoarpretty much happened to me … 3 yrs relationship, got dumped by my DA, was secure now I’m anxious … he dumped me after a fight because I didn’t knew that he was a DA .. I told him that I never get reciprocity in affection and other stuff .. after that puff gone he was … we are in contact but he refuses to tell me why and I never get any fucking thing out of him no matter what and how I ask ..
Raised my needs and she broke things off. She basically shutdown and said she felt pressured so she closed the door on me. What a waste of time, tears and money.
It doesn’t matter. You can do all of this and they will still just find something to end it over. They literally don’t care. They will just find another person to replace you with.
Idk how I ended up on this video but it brought me back to a relationship I had nearly 10 years ago with an avoidant, which launched me into a lot of healing. Let me just say, from experience that once you move on, they come back. But by that time, hopefully, you'll have learned to value yourself and you won't want them. It took mine a few months and by then I was done. He continues to try now and again and I just think, I'd be majorly regressing to ever go back with someone who treated me that way. I hope every single person in here gets that blessing and gift in life, to look back and realize you were SO much more deserving of love than you ever let yourself believe, by settling for someone like that. Best of luck.
I’m very anxious style , ( I will work on it ) I think this guy I was seeing is avoidant cause when something happened and I pressured him to stay w me and talk to me he RAN away he got so mad . Was it what happened to you to ? I don’t even know if this guy will ever look for me lol
How do they actually come back ? Do they take news ? Do they express their regrets ? Do the suggest a réconciliation? I just broke up with an avoidant, being anxious attachment style. We were in really rough patches of our lives and I haven't been okay at all, didn't make feel her secure with me and was craving to talk. So she shut herself off. We talked about it and I'm on the path of healing, but she didn't talk about any healing on her side. After a 2 week no contact break, and having short text messages contact. She broke it off because she realized she made the decision already a while ago. Does this ring any bells ?
My ex claimed he was a "free spirit." But the more I have studied attachment styles, he is really an avoidant. He was all in in the beginning and VERY attentive. Then he became more and more distant. Our relationship was rather shallow. He made me anxious a lot. I am an anxiously attached style and it was worse with him. My ex can't be alone, he has roommates and doesn't live alone. He treated me like a yo-yo. When he wanted to see me, he would see me. When he wanted space, he NEVER communicated that and just distanced himself. I know free spirits. this guy wasn't it. LOL! I will let him be that "free spirit." Now that I am working on myself, I am now unsure if I even want him back. He was fun and always wanted fun fun fun. ON HIS TERMS only. He told me once that he doesn't like demands on him. I had made "demands" and he scolded me. Free spirits don't judge and this guy judged me and was super critical of me right before he broke it off. It was his way of distancing himself to exit. I knew it and felt it....and yet I ignored it. Lesson learned!!!
Honestly, this experience with the avoidant has really lead me to experience more personal growth, self love, character development and empathy. Knowing that I will be fine whether they stay or go, is probably the biggest win. They were fun, weird, and wish them the best.
This is very good advice but it's good to also hold them accountable to their actions. There's no way someone who isn't an avoidant should overthinking how to talk to someone. The avoidant person need to know about their actions
the hard part about that is they will avoid responsibility lol. they will deflect and abruptly end conversations .I'm stuck on one for like five years now and i desperately want to detach at this point because i can't save them and don't want to play these games these videos suggest.
I wish wish wish I’d found this video 2 months ago 😔 I now fully understand my ex’s behaviour and my own behaviour. I’m 100% anxious and they are avoidant. She literally broke my heart after us falling in love 💔
this video describes my marriage exactly from the tremendous enthusiasm and apparent deep connection she had, to her eventual frustration and “testing” that drove my anxious tendencies and lead to a sudden blindside divorce after 17 years. And of course she found an old college boyfriend and described the “amazing connection” almost literally word for word how she had described ours at the start. And I know it because she had written the words in a journal when we met. Moving on.
I spent 10 years with an avoidant i loved . I did all of this . I gave him his space , freedom , and independence ,no label on the relationship, and understanding of his needs He left me moving on quickly, dating other women .
The tip you gave at the end of the video really resonates with what I did when my ex broke up with me... I mentioned what I've been through, since we both had similar childhood, just his was more neglectful then mine and invited him to try to share his experiences in a deeper level, but he went with a very shallow version, and I let it be. The difference is that I worked to become more secure, but I started to become anxious after being with him. It was so confusing and looking back I was really adjusting myself to fit into his perfect partner box. Losing myself in the end.
I used to be one of you, watching videos about avoidants and hoping they'll change their mind and come back. The reality is that most avoidants are broken, they don't care about how you feel and they are going to hurt you again, if you let them. Do not expect a huge gesture or a change from their part, because they cannot give you that. They might say they missed you; they might appear to be vulnerable for a moment. But they are just going to discard you like they did before. Block them, tell them to go to hell, but do not expect anything from them. There are plenty of healthy people in the world who are going to love you and respect you for who you are.
You're confused. Avoidants need space. It's people with anxious attachment style who seek constant attention and external validation. They make avoidants feel smothered.
My avoidant (personality disorder) wanted/ask for constant attention from beginning. I didn’t comply. Then once things progressed at a natural pace, he avoided. It was so confusing. I had never heard about ‘avoidant’ attachment. I feel that a real grown up should tell their romantic partner when there is such a serious issue that affects both parties. When someone ask me out now, I ask them to take the attachment quiz …. What a roller coaster ride that was, I figured out I don’t like amusement parks 😉
Yep that is what happens. The trick is to treat them poorly from time to time. And during a breakup act like you can and are moving on. Go no contact totally.
She just left for the third time, way more prepared this time. She is a good person just has no clue what is going on inside her! I do empathize as she has had an extremely difficult time the last 8 months losing her brother in law and her mom! I see the struggle and she couldn’t open up or allow herself to grieve! I cannot even fathom what she is going through!
This video is very helpful . Thank you! I am married to an avoidant . He is aware of his style and I am very aware of mine (anxious). The greatest gift and opportunity for me is what I have learned about myself. I have worked diligently to get to the core of my behavior. I consider myself much more secure and less reactive these days and it is much easier for me to honor my husband's need for a great deal of space. My nervous system still gets triggered from time to time... but I have the awareness of the triggers and I am able to self soothe . Thanks for a great video !!
You are such a patient person. And your husband is lucky. Both of you are meant for each other. you understand and love each other. Wish you all the best ❤️
Maybe the DA's just want to be understood. But they can't express themselves. They don't know hot to react or handle the situation. They want love. But they tend to get frustrated because they're not use to it. I think most of them are men. And I just think that it's because society told them to man up and not to be a pussy. Just my observation.
OMG the same exact thing happened to me! Except we were supposed to get married prior to me moving in with him. Exactly 2 months before both the wedding and relocation to the state where he lives. Sitting on the couch and out of no where he tells me he doesn’t want this relationship anymore. I’m felt like he pulled the rug from right under me! I was devastated ! I asked him why and he said he didn’t know. Couldn’t give me a valid answer because I gave the relationship 💯. And really up to that point everything was going fine. After arguing back and forth with me sobbing he coldly gets up and went outside to mow the lawn !! The coldest heartless person I ever met !!
Thank you for sharing your story and warning us. It's quite nice to see that humans aren't so unique at all which means we can learn so much about how things will go based on other people's experiences.
@@grumpykuma2569 well yes. He apologized and said it was the biggest mistake of his life. He ask me again to marry him, this time on both knees lol. I agreed but you know what? I felt like the trust was gone. I never could return to the place where I was before and the most happiest. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, on eggshells! So I decided to move on. Bought a new house and looking forward to starting my new life. He can stay dismissive with himself!! I’m better off
@@christinehammond3936 You made the right choice. You could never know when that could happen to you again with him. As soon as the next stage in life comes along, he would get scared again and pull away.
Horrible. I recently got a small taste of that style of treatment - the sudden, unexplainable withdrawal, right when things had been at their very best. I'm sorry your experience was so much more devastating. After what I just went through, I can't imagine your pain.😢
well well, let them feel what they feel without asking and asking again if they are sure is key. Also using tactical empathy is an incredible communication tool that really works wonders on avoidants. I learned this too and use it all the time now. Not fixing other peoples problems is a very masculine thing and should not be done to any person regardless of their attachment style. It is actually disrespecting and letting the other person feel controlled and and not validated. Especially validating an avoidants feelings, emotions, thoughts even if you use tactical empathy to find out is the way to show them that you care and they will be thankful if you do this consistently. This develops also trust. Another important thing to communicate to them are words of affirmation. Especially after you let them feel what they feel with using again tactical empathy. Leaving out too much talking or talking about yourself while they open up in their way of giving you indirect bits about how they feel, it is necessary to validate the and let them know they will make in their own way.... It is away healthier way of communicating with somebody that has has fear of their own emotions instead of invalidating them and putting your ego above the person you want to love and claiming you walk on eggshells like most people comment here. Grow up!
My ex definitely has an Avoidant Attachment style personality. She told me that she didn't want to held accountable in a relationship and wanted to do what ever she wanted without the pressure of feeling guilty. Pissed me the "F" off after 4 years of living together. But she left some stuff here after moving out.
@timochi7363 Yeah, it's confusing but you have to get to the point that you have to move on before you go crazy. Start going out and trying different things. The out of sight out of mind effect will kick in and you'll get better.
@48seminole do you face the same feeling like, its not her or i want to fix this thing? Everytime i wake and try to sleep, the memories and how she treat me nicely keep me on moving on..
Very nice video. I get deeply understand about my ex now and really thinking about giving up on hoping that i could get him back cuz all he does is feeling nostalgic about his ex all the time making me feel worthless. This is my 2nd time experiencing the one dating me had another girl inside their heart but still chose to date me. Such experience was very unpleasant and would leave me lifelong, most painful feeling.
If you engage with avoidant attachment style, you will develop anxious AS. If you engage with anxious AS, you will develop avoidant AS. If you are engaged with secure AS,you will develop secure AS.
Surrender to a relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ. His love for you will heal you completely and release you of all the chains of this modern culture that is broken.
No contact worked once, now i'm in the same situation...ghosted, i want to send him a message tell him he is a loser who plays with other peoples emotions
I love being a Lone Wolf because I grew up with nothing but neglect and bullying! My whole life is an exhausting cycle! Love and showings emotions are foreign to me! I was adopted and bullied my whole life! When people give me too much love, it feel llike they're suffocating and needy!
I had Mary Jane first. Trish was jealous of Mary Jane. Asked me to leave her. Mary Jane would never leave me. No matter the so called "abuse". Trish left me. This is why I stay with Mary Jane. Because she would never leave me. I love you Mary Jane.
Outstanding video. So thorough, but succinct and well presented. Truly one of the best on the anxious/avoidant dynamic. Like listening to a literal narration of my marriage and divorce.
Thank you for this helpful video ☺️. I now know I'm the anxious one and chasing for an avoidant so giving him his space back and focusing on my self and job is the best thing that I can do for now.
This was the most informative video ever. Wow, very on point. I'm a new subscriber. I discovered someone had avoidant attachment style before a relationship started and I am glad i did. Constantly being told he had a wall up etc is not a turn on. I think I fall somewhere between secure attachment and maybe sometimes anxious attachment and hope to meet someone who is open and secure also .
so avoidants arent good as a couple and probably would never marry xD so at the end of the day is not really worthy to invest in them, emotionally or mentally.
Here’s a thought….I think when I’ve been with avoidant is because I can see behind their fear to their desire to be loved. That’s what I feel connects us. And just like a dog at the pound that snarls and barks out of an aggressive fear, or one that backs away and huddles in the corner out of protective fear, I always think there’s a great companion in there if I can just get them to drop their guard. If you can bond to that dog, it will be for life as long as you treat them right. I guess foolishly I always wanted that kind of loyalty from my avoidant partners. I’ve actually seen it work. But it takes alot of unconditional love and patience, a lot of strength in other words. I’m not saying this is healthy. I’m just sharing my thought process.
They're not much different than Narcs. Wish I'd known about DAs before attracting this Narc Lite. Took a year to get over the Narc. Now, History's repeating itself.
I don't want her back because of the amount of stress she caused me in my life when she started avoiding. I don't want that back ever BUT she is cute as hell and i freaking love and adore her 😢
I definitely believe that a person can move between each of these. I think it's all linked to moving through emotional and vibrational states - but of course some of us hover more in the high (secure) or the low (anxious (or even Empathic))
Thanks so much for answering all the questions that were driving me up the wall!! I can have my peace back again! With so much understanding of what exactly is going on. And for this I am ever grateful! Bless you and your incredible channel
The biggest issue I have with all of this subject and much of UA-cam content is all about getting the ex back... I don't want her back. I'd like to be thoughtful and give her a piece of my mind, because she blindsided me with a discard / breakup TEXT of all things after 18 months. Tactical Empathy sounds good, and I think had we been able to talk in person, that would have happened, but she refused to communicate at all, and left me to deal with, process and clean up ALL the emotional wreckage. It's been almost four months since .. .and way better, and well on my way to healing, but still feel the need to break NC,. and express just how this all impacted me. I don't have any expectation to ever hear from her again..
I think my ex is just broken… Her behaviors resonate on the freedom aspect, the fear of being abandoned and betrayed makes her lock up her feelings. But she wants to be intimate, when I said I love you she looked me in the eyes and said it back. She repeated multiple times she is afraid of me since I can break her heart. In the end she did it herself. I might sound crazy but she is just so interesting to me, her hardships and the tough times she went through makes me respect her a lot. All I want to be is her safe space and make her realize that not everyone is your enemy.
Brace yourself for the big brick you're about to hit... When she has broken up with you several times, ghosted, blocked, devalued and ignored you and maybe replaced you. You will be left with a shell of what you used to be. Proceed with caution and at your own informed risk.
Avoidants will always tell you what they will do to you. Mine told me the last day before I left "You should hate me, I'm a bitch. I convinced you to come here, told you we would fight everything together and now I'm getting rid of you, you're back where you started". And it is true, she called me after I moved saying we're separated but still together yet I saw no remorse, no accountability. Avoidants will always tell you their traumas, pay atention because that's how you determine their attachment style. Accept that if they are not humble to accept professional help they cannot change. Because, you cannot know what you don't know, you cannot feel what you don't feel and you can't change what you're not aware of. The man below said it perfectly too "You will become a shell of what you used to be" but that is what some need, because no one gets a fucking free pass anymore.
how do you ever gain true trust for this sort of person? are you supposed to just feel empathy until they decide to do real self reflection and grow up?
I really appreciate your amazing psychology breakdown here but what is the point? Why are we trying to fix so much when they can’t have some basic self reflection, it’s too risky of a relationship to get into
How about dating an Aries DA? They are crazy! I can't get a read on him. Together for 3.5 years and one day wakes up and say I don't think I'm in love you, i need space🤷♀️ He reached out to me first saying he missed me 6 weeks later. I made the mistake of reaching out every once and awhile but now going full no contact. It's going on 5 months. I'm done.
Hi Chris, I just wanna say THANKYOU THANKYOU SO MUCH!, listening 2 your videos hav made me realise why I am having issues with my boyfriend bcos m anxious n he's avoidant. Keep saying u r the best 👌 in the industry 🙏🙏🙏
Only in rltnship seriously 3 mths, had me in tears twice (took my ex hubby 6 yrs for that). I put in all the work, no emotion & no empathy from him. Last straw was him showing disrespect......when he told me to "stop Mothering me!" I said goodbye the next morning.
Am,in fact an avoidant but am not 100% emotionally dull. I enjoy enough space, with a secure r/ship. However, with ex, I literally turned to pursuer as my ex is super dismissive avoidant which made our r/ship more work than fun to me with zero futurity as he kept sending mixed signals. As an avoidant myself, I only protest a little bit and I said am done many times. ..we had multiple break up before the last one became super serious one. He was my best friend ..but r/ship is not for us.
Great video Chris. Thank you . You really has to be a magician with them . My ex has come after 3 years and wants to get back, but I don't know how to make him stay as he always leaves when everything is really the best 🤦♀️
4 years with an avoidant, they are useless, give nothing and get offended when partner stops giving, then they start gaslighting to make the partner seem crazy. She is welcome to be someone else's problem
I completely fathom this. I’ve always been secure in my relationships. Sometimes the way in which you attempt to relate to your partner alters you in some way. I am in between anxious and secure, because overall I am a very secure person; but I invested so much in an avoidant, that it broke me down, but it’s the process of rebuilding that’s mist prevalent. Thus I truly do not want to be an avoidant, because loving one was the most difficult obstacle and in the end they’re really not happy, in the long run… So if I may, work on it. You deserve to feel and be secure in your relationships…My partner was the mist loving and still I perceive as an amazing individual, but there are some traumas and issues that must be addressed internally…
Curious for feedback on my ex FA: Dated 7-months and she checks all the boxes (This is new to me), while I’m definitely an Anxious. She always told me she loved me, showed affection, connected emotionally, talked about a lifetime commitment even… Then, we took a trip with her 16-year old daughter. Things got too real for her. Actually had a good trip, but minor things set her off. We texted/talked over the phone for four weeks, trying to work things out. Had the best conversations of our entire relationship during that time. Then one day she just said she had no desire to be romantically involved with anyone, but I could keep texting her if I wanted. I tried twice after that, but it was too painful. She told me she loved me almost up to the end. I stopped texting (2-weeks now) and trying the no contact rule. What am I missing? Do I contact at all? She didn’t seem nearly as avoidant as most I hear on here.
If avoidants become more sercure when with a sercure, why do sercure's turn insercure after being with them? The anxious gets told to work for it but the avoidant just needs to be with a sercure? That doesn't make sense.
My ex sent me a Happy Thanksgiving after ghosting. He said his daughter said "hello". I returned the same response... that was it. Nothing since. Was itva play or guilt?
If the avoid you there's obviously some emotion that is blocking them from interacting with you. Like anger, resentment, fear. Maybe it's something you did in the past or what they imagine a break up has to be like. Sometimes they create a mental image of you to justify the break up further. Try to find out what it is that is holding them back. If it's something you did, maybe apologize for it. Try to get them to open up about it and try to understand their point of view. It doesn't matter if they are "right". Just try to understand where they are coming from and empathize with it
My ex also has bipolar. I wonder how much that affects all of this. She broke up during a depression, and was influenced heavily by family and friends.
I made the mistake of pushing on the wrong day and that is why he ended it. I can't help feeling if I had just not talked to him that night we would have been fine and I'm crushed. I know he's gone for good tho
Nope. This is a common mistake of an anxious attachment - if only I’d done this or that... it’s nonsense. The problem is in THEM, not you. The only thing you’re doing wrong is sticking around for more of their abuse.
@@lisabeaumont Indeed! I used to have secure attachment and my buttons were deliberately pushed so much that I became anxious. When I started to go back to secure the button-pushing started BIG TIME!!
@@mikaylag9420 no! Listen, flower: it’s not you. The reason you argued was his avoidance. The reason you freaked out is because anyone with decency would have contacted his girlfriend - arguments or not - to let her know he’s coming back. I’m seeing your comment 3 weeks after you wrote it. I hope you’ve kicked him to the curb and will look for someone secure. Watch a short series of videos by Coach John Bush on attachment - he is literally the ONLY person I’ve found telling the truth about this stuff. All the others are teaching how to walk on eggshells around Avoidants, and you don’t want that because it’s a no-win situation.
Why is enough attention not being paid to avoidants working on themselves to move from “avoidant” to “secure”? Please identify more regularly in these videos that avoidants need to do work to improve themselves, not only require others around them to fit into this.
The very thought of working on themselves triggers them and off they go again. I’ve only recently identified that my partner is a da.. having found the holy grail, I tried to share a video with them.. I haven’t seen them since!
I never came across this video but I have struggling with my ex character for 13 years and I always make a way to understand about how his feeling and he always ask me how do you know woow you are the only one understands me and so on but the problem am the draining in that relationship cause I reach the point where I can't anymore explain about my problems to him and now i became his problem solver anytime he had a problem he come to me and I aolve quickly I really love him and the worst moments is when i am missing him badly he hi avoiding me and when i move and trust to forget about him he just jumped in to me don't know what to so when ever i try to talk about something serious or intimacy he always change the topic
I laughed when I saw the title. Why would you want to communicate with your avoidant EX? Number one. It's an x number two he's avoidant. Stop the craziness and be good to yourself out there.
Me and my wife have been married 26 years I am anxious she is a Avoidance I feel like we can be a power couple when everything is clicking but the last 8 months have been tough she told me about 4 days ago that she wants to divorce but I love her with all of my heart I still get butterflies in my stomach thinking about her what should I do keep trying or to let her go! Deep down in my heart I want to keep trying because I know it can work it has worked we have 3 kids and 26 years of memories
My avoidant gf broke up with me 5 days ago, and since then she is calling and texting me every day. I am answering, but I am avoiding contacting her myself. What does this mean? Does it trigger her need to pull away? She texted me at 3AM and I made the mistake to reply. She asked me not to forget her and said it's temporary. I found out later she's been drinking that night.
Can this work after you begged and smothered post break up and she told me to move on I tried reaching out the other day with humor and I got no response
Sorry I have one more question . Pl Are then capable of love or caring for another person after I would have thought so. Ty so much.i just want know what to do or deal .
Dating a DA person is like dating a narcissist. You will be walking on eggshells and one small mistake that remind them of the past and they will trigger and begin their cold exit strategy... If you try to help them they get annoyed. If you show them affection they get bored. If you do this or that they will throw a tantrum like a spoiled kid.
I think it is easier to date a Rock than to a DA person. They are similar. Both cold. Hard and quiet. But at least the rock doesn’t run away out of the blue.
So true
Truely said
I agree! Life’s too short to stay in an unhealthy “relationship”!!!
Simple solution is to not date someone like this
@@Mandance true. And I know that now. I have learned a lot and I can detect them very early on now. The sad part is that there are soooooo many avoidant people.
Better to stay single than to navigate that mine field.
Avoidants can't do healthy relationships.
Characteristics of healthy relationships include trust, openness, boundaries, respect, affection, communication, and mutual give-and-take.
so basically the total opposite of an avoidant
Here is how you reattract and avoidant. Act like you are ready to move on in a month or so make it look real. Post pics to make them jealous that you may move on and post positive pics like working out and confident. It works. They come back.
They keep telling us what an avoidant is. We know already. More of how we navigate with them if we really love them.
Yeah the lies the ghosting and lack of communition makes even a secure person anxious.
They attract each other but repel each other
i think i went from being a secure attachment to anxious attachment and now I'm avoidant … guess sometimes people just break you so bad, you don't want to open up again.
You'll find your way back home
Hey me too! It was years in a relationship with an avoidant that caused me to become insecure and now I am pretty doubtful about any possible new relationship.
I use to be a secure too and then became anxious, years of avoidant, now finding my way back to secure again. I had been broken so bad dating an abusive covert narcissist. The psychological and physical torment took awhile to heal from but I did. And I don’t know your story but I’m sure you will find your way back too.
@@OriginalMarjon thank you, i hope so
@@barbaraladams5304 i feel like I'm gonna mess up any relationship i get into...i tried again but then eventually gave up cause i felt like i was doing everything. My Partner knew about my ex (the entire story) and they'd purposely trigger me about it. at last i finally said goodbye. i don't think i wanna be in a relationship anytime soon...
Avoidants are not avoidant because of their partner. They are avoidant with secure people, too. They become fearful and deactivate because of their own trauma and triggers. They need to fix themselves.
Agree, and thank you for being one of the few comments that doesn't crap all over us. For the ones that actually know their problem - We didn't choose to be this way, and certainly don't want to. Seems ridiculous that people are basically blaming someone for having trauma that was completely out of control.
@@aron4408it really has started to suck seeing avoidants labeled as villains all the time. I know I've fucked up a lot but at least I know more now
Amen. Well said.
@@aron4408 but your trauma is not an excuse for hurting others. i bet hitler and stalin had many traumas too. the moment u destroy innocents, any empathy towards you from me goes to the void.
@@aron4408y’all have to be learn to do better
You don't. You walk away and never look back.
How to communicate, silently walk out the door and keep walking, never look back.
Find a healthy person who you don’t have to play games with.
Just don’t…. Love yourself and work on being more secure and attracting secure.
How?
@@jadegreen1554You learn to love yourself through repetition. Changing the inner conversation day by day.
So... in short, anxious needs to pursue anxious; secure can pursue anyone; avoidants need to be AVOIDED! Or, they can find each other, and the relationship will go nowhere, which caters to their nature! Win- win!
And don't forget that paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beat paper 😂😂
Very good observation, I'm laughing and agreeing 💯 percent
It’s weird that they say Avoidants and Anxious attract each other but that makes no sense. Avoidants literally don’t want to be chased which is all anxious attachment styles do. It’s better to say anxious are drawn to avoidant but not the other way around
@@Gbb93 avoidants are initially drawn to anxious because they want that connection, and want to be chased. That’s why they are notorious for love bombing early on. It’s when they are triggered that the avoidant tendencies come out.
attachment styles can change though. two anxious attachments being together will not end well. you might think it would work out because they are BOTH clingy but someone is going to be less clingy and will most likely become more avoidant
We all have issues but avoidants are especially damaging because their inability or unwillingness to process emotions cause so much pain for the ppl that love them and they can't even empathize. Everything is about them when THEY are ready. I'm all set.
So fkn true wow
Yep. Along with not communicating and fearing vulnerability... they have two strong traits preventing their needs from getting met. Meanwhile they pretend everything is OK. That's a form of gaslighting. They make their partner think they are meeting their needs and they aren't. Then they ghost. With little to no communication. It's just wrong.
And don't even get me started on taking accountability.
@@BuzzBoarpretty much happened to me … 3 yrs relationship, got dumped by my DA, was secure now I’m anxious … he dumped me after a fight because I didn’t knew that he was a DA .. I told him that I never get reciprocity in affection and other stuff .. after that puff gone he was … we are in contact but he refuses to tell me why and I never get any fucking thing out of him no matter what and how I ask ..
Heavy on the “When they’re ready” That’s absolutely rude and selfish
Raised my needs and she broke things off. She basically shutdown and said she felt pressured so she closed the door on me. What a waste of time, tears and money.
I'm at least lucky that mine ghosted me before I lost much money
She was gonna leave anyway.
It doesn’t matter. You can do all of this and they will still just find something to end it over. They literally don’t care. They will just find another person to replace you with.
ouch.
I agree nothing you do is good enough
They are called Avoident for a reason they will Avoid YOU
i agree
Eff em 🙄
Idk how I ended up on this video but it brought me back to a relationship I had nearly 10 years ago with an avoidant, which launched me into a lot of healing. Let me just say, from experience that once you move on, they come back. But by that time, hopefully, you'll have learned to value yourself and you won't want them. It took mine a few months and by then I was done. He continues to try now and again and I just think, I'd be majorly regressing to ever go back with someone who treated me that way. I hope every single person in here gets that blessing and gift in life, to look back and realize you were SO much more deserving of love than you ever let yourself believe, by settling for someone like that. Best of luck.
Yes, they always come back. When you have healed, they are back. It's as if they sense it!
I’m very anxious style , ( I will work on it ) I think this guy I was seeing is avoidant cause when something happened and I pressured him to stay w me and talk to me he RAN away he got so mad . Was it what happened to you to ? I don’t even know if this guy will ever look for me lol
How do they actually come back ? Do they take news ? Do they express their regrets ? Do the suggest a réconciliation?
I just broke up with an avoidant, being anxious attachment style. We were in really rough patches of our lives and I haven't been okay at all, didn't make feel her secure with me and was craving to talk. So she shut herself off. We talked about it and I'm on the path of healing, but she didn't talk about any healing on her side.
After a 2 week no contact break, and having short text messages contact. She broke it off because she realized she made the decision already a while ago. Does this ring any bells ?
My ex claimed he was a "free spirit." But the more I have studied attachment styles, he is really an avoidant. He was all in in the beginning and VERY attentive. Then he became more and more distant. Our relationship was rather shallow. He made me anxious a lot. I am an anxiously attached style and it was worse with him. My ex can't be alone, he has roommates and doesn't live alone. He treated me like a yo-yo. When he wanted to see me, he would see me. When he wanted space, he NEVER communicated that and just distanced himself. I know free spirits. this guy wasn't it. LOL! I will let him be that "free spirit." Now that I am working on myself, I am now unsure if I even want him back. He was fun and always wanted fun fun fun. ON HIS TERMS only. He told me once that he doesn't like demands on him. I had made "demands" and he scolded me. Free spirits don't judge and this guy judged me and was super critical of me right before he broke it off. It was his way of distancing himself to exit. I knew it and felt it....and yet I ignored it. Lesson learned!!!
Honestly, this experience with the avoidant has really lead me to experience more personal growth, self love, character development and empathy. Knowing that I will be fine whether they stay or go, is probably the biggest win. They were fun, weird, and wish them the best.
They just pass their trauma on to others yet dont seek their help!
This is very good advice but it's good to also hold them accountable to their actions. There's no way someone who isn't an avoidant should overthinking how to talk to someone. The avoidant person need to know about their actions
the hard part about that is they will avoid responsibility lol. they will deflect and abruptly end conversations .I'm stuck on one for like five years now and i desperately want to detach at this point because i can't save them and don't want to play these games these videos suggest.
I was secure attachment style but then he made me anxious attachment… never again. Run run
Same for me
Same here
Give up I've been in this loop for a decade.... never ends
Sounds like narcissism to me
it’s almost as if an avoidant doesnt like you at all
I agree
But they do . When they see you are moving on.
It becomes very interesting when the anxious is also avoidant dealing with an avoidant. Yep!
I wish wish wish I’d found this video 2 months ago 😔 I now fully understand my ex’s behaviour and my own behaviour. I’m 100% anxious and they are avoidant. She literally broke my heart after us falling in love 💔
The most heartbreaking experience ever
this video describes my marriage exactly from the tremendous enthusiasm and apparent deep connection she had, to her eventual frustration and “testing” that drove my anxious tendencies and lead to a sudden blindside divorce after 17 years. And of course she found an old college boyfriend and described the “amazing connection” almost literally word for word how she had described ours at the start. And I know it because she had written the words in a journal when we met. Moving on.
I spent 10 years with an avoidant i loved . I did all of this . I gave him his space , freedom , and independence ,no label on the relationship, and understanding of his needs
He left me moving on quickly, dating other women .
10 fucking years?
@@KhushiBharti1723 10 years is 9.5 years too long.
Same
The tip you gave at the end of the video really resonates with what I did when my ex broke up with me... I mentioned what I've been through, since we both had similar childhood, just his was more neglectful then mine and invited him to try to share his experiences in a deeper level, but he went with a very shallow version, and I let it be. The difference is that I worked to become more secure, but I started to become anxious after being with him. It was so confusing and looking back I was really adjusting myself to fit into his perfect partner box. Losing myself in the end.
People DO what they WANT to DO...
Just like YOU DO ...
You only LINGER around WHAT OR WHO YOU LOVE ❤️
I used to be one of you, watching videos about avoidants and hoping they'll change their mind and come back. The reality is that most avoidants are broken, they don't care about how you feel and they are going to hurt you again, if you let them. Do not expect a huge gesture or a change from their part, because they cannot give you that. They might say they missed you; they might appear to be vulnerable for a moment. But they are just going to discard you like they did before. Block them, tell them to go to hell, but do not expect anything from them. There are plenty of healthy people in the world who are going to love you and respect you for who you are.
Avoidance tend to cheat as they need constant attention and validation
Or generally being players as they don’t get easily attached to someone
InsecureAF
You're confused.
Avoidants need space.
It's people with anxious attachment style who seek constant attention and external validation. They make avoidants feel smothered.
My avoidant (personality disorder) wanted/ask for constant attention from beginning. I didn’t comply. Then once things progressed at a natural pace, he avoided. It was so confusing. I had never heard about ‘avoidant’ attachment. I feel that a real grown up should tell their romantic partner when there is such a serious issue that affects both parties. When someone ask me out now, I ask them to take the attachment quiz …. What a roller coaster ride that was, I figured out I don’t like amusement parks 😉
I think i went from anxious to secur i just dont care anymore and it soo peaceful .😂
Me too 🫂 we love ourselves and that all that is important, plus it so funny how enjoyable life becomes when you cut them off LMAOOOO
Your peace of mind is the most important. Made me understand that as well.
I was secure and my ex was avoidant and that turned me into anxious which pushed her away…. So screwed up.
Toxic does that
Same here.
Same here. Takes awhile to even realize what happened.
Same here. This needs to be discussed more often.
Yep that is what happens. The trick is to treat them poorly from time to time. And during a breakup act like you can and are moving on. Go no contact totally.
She just left for the third time, way more prepared this time. She is a good person just has no clue what is going on inside her! I do empathize as she has had an extremely difficult time the last 8 months losing her brother in law and her mom! I see the struggle and she couldn’t open up or allow herself to grieve! I cannot even fathom what she is going through!
Don’t make excuses for her. Move on
This video is very helpful . Thank you! I am married to an avoidant . He is aware of his style and I am very aware of mine (anxious). The greatest gift and opportunity for me is what I have learned about myself. I have worked diligently to get to the core of my behavior. I consider myself much more secure and less reactive these days and it is much easier for me to honor my husband's need for a great deal of space. My nervous system still gets triggered from time to time... but I have the awareness of the triggers and I am able to self soothe . Thanks for a great video !!
Did he ever push you away completely and come back?
How have you been helping yourself?
You are such a patient person. And your husband is lucky. Both of you are meant for each other. you understand and love each other. Wish you all the best ❤️
Maybe the DA's just want to be understood. But they can't express themselves. They don't know hot to react or handle the situation. They want love. But they tend to get frustrated because they're not use to it. I think most of them are men. And I just think that it's because society told them to man up and not to be a pussy. Just my observation.
That sounds exhausting. If he is a true avoidant.. they do eventually leave.
Tell them they suck.
OMG the same exact thing happened to me! Except we were supposed to get married prior to me moving in with him. Exactly 2 months before both the wedding and relocation to the state where he lives. Sitting on the couch and out of no where he tells me he doesn’t want this relationship anymore. I’m felt like he pulled the rug from right under me! I was devastated ! I asked him why and he said he didn’t know. Couldn’t give me a valid answer because I gave the relationship 💯. And really up to that point everything was going fine. After arguing back and forth with me sobbing he coldly gets up and went outside to mow the lawn !! The coldest heartless person I ever met !!
Sorry what happened to you. Any updates
Thank you for sharing your story and warning us. It's quite nice to see that humans aren't so unique at all which means we can learn so much about how things will go based on other people's experiences.
@@grumpykuma2569 well yes. He apologized and said it was the biggest mistake of his life. He ask me again to marry him, this time on both knees lol. I agreed but you know what? I felt like the trust was gone. I never could return to the place where I was before and the most happiest. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, on eggshells! So I decided to move on. Bought a new house and looking forward to starting my new life. He can stay dismissive with himself!! I’m better off
@@christinehammond3936 You made the right choice. You could never know when that could happen to you again with him. As soon as the next stage in life comes along, he would get scared again and pull away.
Horrible. I recently got a small taste of that style of treatment - the sudden, unexplainable withdrawal, right when things had been at their very best. I'm sorry your experience was so much more devastating. After what I just went through, I can't imagine your pain.😢
well well, let them feel what they feel without asking and asking again if they are sure is key. Also using tactical empathy is an incredible communication tool that really works wonders on avoidants. I learned this too and use it all the time now. Not fixing other peoples problems is a very masculine thing and should not be done to any person regardless of their attachment style. It is actually disrespecting and letting the other person feel controlled and and not validated. Especially validating an avoidants feelings, emotions, thoughts even if you use tactical empathy to find out is the way to show them that you care and they will be thankful if you do this consistently. This develops also trust. Another important thing to communicate to them are words of affirmation. Especially after you let them feel what they feel with using again tactical empathy. Leaving out too much talking or talking about yourself while they open up in their way of giving you indirect bits about how they feel, it is necessary to validate the and let them know they will make in their own way....
It is away healthier way of communicating with somebody that has has fear of their own emotions instead of invalidating them and putting your ego above the person you want to love and claiming you walk on eggshells like most people comment here. Grow up!
The aim is not to get an ex back. But im interested in how effective communication impacts on relationships.
My ex definitely has an Avoidant Attachment style personality. She told me that she didn't want to held accountable in a relationship and wanted to do what ever she wanted without the pressure of feeling guilty. Pissed me the "F" off after 4 years of living together. But she left some stuff here after moving out.
The 4 years and left stuff are same cases with me
@timochi7363 Yeah, it's confusing but you have to get to the point that you have to move on before you go crazy. Start going out and trying different things. The out of sight out of mind effect will kick in and you'll get better.
@48seminole do you face the same feeling like, its not her or i want to fix this thing? Everytime i wake and try to sleep, the memories and how she treat me nicely keep me on moving on..
shell be back
Throw that shit away or take it to GoodWill
Very nice video. I get deeply understand about my ex now and really thinking about giving up on hoping that i could get him back cuz all he does is feeling nostalgic about his ex all the time making me feel worthless. This is my 2nd time experiencing the one dating me had another girl inside their heart but still chose to date me. Such experience was very unpleasant and would leave me lifelong, most painful feeling.
Please also make a video on how shift our attachment style into secure attachment internally
If you engage with avoidant attachment style, you will develop anxious AS.
If you engage with anxious AS, you will develop avoidant AS.
If you are engaged with secure AS,you will develop secure AS.
Surrender to a relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ. His love for you will heal you completely and release you of all the chains of this modern culture that is broken.
No contact worked once, now i'm in the same situation...ghosted, i want to send him a message tell him he is a loser who plays with other peoples emotions
Don’t feed his ego
It won’t make a difference
@@Mandance what makes difference
@@xx-bk2cb staying no contact makes the difference
@@Mandance how long? until he reaches out or?
I love being a Lone Wolf because I grew up with nothing but neglect and bullying! My whole life is an exhausting cycle! Love and showings emotions are foreign to me! I was adopted and bullied my whole life! When people give me too much love, it feel llike they're suffocating and needy!
I had Mary Jane first. Trish was jealous of Mary Jane. Asked me to leave her. Mary Jane would never leave me. No matter the so called "abuse". Trish left me. This is why I stay with Mary Jane. Because she would never leave me. I love you Mary Jane.
Outstanding video. So thorough, but succinct and well presented. Truly one of the best on the anxious/avoidant dynamic. Like listening to a literal narration of my marriage and divorce.
Thank you for this helpful video ☺️. I now know I'm the anxious one and chasing for an avoidant so giving him his space back and focusing on my self and job is the best thing that I can do for now.
Glad it was helpful!
This was the most informative video ever. Wow, very on point. I'm a new subscriber. I discovered someone had avoidant attachment style before a relationship started and I am glad i did. Constantly being told he had a wall up etc is not a turn on. I think I fall somewhere between secure attachment and maybe sometimes anxious attachment and hope to meet someone who is open and secure also .
so avoidants arent good as a couple and probably would never marry xD so at the end of the day is not really worthy to invest in them, emotionally or mentally.
Maybe.
Very true. If you want to stay together it is really really hard work. Is that worth it?
Oh they marry....you'll just be in a marriage by yourself most of the time
Here’s a thought….I think when I’ve been with avoidant is because I can see behind their fear to their desire to be loved. That’s what I feel connects us. And just like a dog at the pound that snarls and barks out of an aggressive fear, or one that backs away and huddles in the corner out of protective fear, I always think there’s a great companion in there if I can just get them to drop their guard. If you can bond to that dog, it will be for life as long as you treat them right. I guess foolishly I always wanted that kind of loyalty from my avoidant partners. I’ve actually seen it work. But it takes alot of unconditional love and patience, a lot of strength in other words. I’m not saying this is healthy. I’m just sharing my thought process.
Avoidant even in long distance. True
@@bjbj5048 Nope
@Anna Gejd nope
This point its truly doesn't matter what they are narcissist or not the end result the out come have no difference!!
They're not much different than Narcs. Wish I'd known about DAs before attracting this Narc Lite. Took a year to get over the Narc. Now, History's repeating itself.
Very similar. Yuck.
Stay far away from them. You will be ruined forever. You will never come back after dating them.
I don't want her back because of the amount of stress she caused me in my life when she started avoiding. I don't want that back ever BUT she is cute as hell and i freaking love and adore her 😢
I definitely believe that a person can move between each of these. I think it's all linked to moving through emotional and vibrational states - but of course some of us hover more in the high (secure) or the low (anxious (or even Empathic))
omfg this makes so much sense!!! my girlfriend just dumped me and now that I think of it this video perfectly describes what happened.
Thanks so much for answering all the questions that were driving me up the wall!! I can have my peace back again! With so much understanding of what exactly is going on. And for this I am ever grateful! Bless you and your incredible channel
"How To Communicate With An Avoidant Ex" - Simple: tell them to fck off and block them
The biggest issue I have with all of this subject and much of UA-cam content is all about getting the ex back... I don't want her back. I'd like to be thoughtful and give her a piece of my mind, because she blindsided me with a discard / breakup TEXT of all things after 18 months. Tactical Empathy sounds good, and I think had we been able to talk in person, that would have happened, but she refused to communicate at all, and left me to deal with, process and clean up ALL the emotional wreckage. It's been almost four months since .. .and way better, and well on my way to healing, but still feel the need to break NC,. and express just how this all impacted me. I don't have any expectation to ever hear from her again..
I think my ex is just broken…
Her behaviors resonate on the freedom aspect, the fear of being abandoned and betrayed makes her lock up her feelings.
But she wants to be intimate, when I said I love you she looked me in the eyes and said it back.
She repeated multiple times she is afraid of me since I can break her heart. In the end she did it herself. I might sound crazy but she is just so interesting to me, her hardships and the tough times she went through makes me respect her a lot.
All I want to be is her safe space and make her realize that not everyone is your enemy.
You can’t fix others
Brace yourself for the big brick you're about to hit...
When she has broken up with you several times, ghosted, blocked, devalued and ignored you and maybe replaced you. You will be left with a shell of what you used to be.
Proceed with caution and at your own informed risk.
Avoidants will always tell you what they will do to you. Mine told me the last day before I left "You should hate me, I'm a bitch. I convinced you to come here, told you we would fight everything together and now I'm getting rid of you, you're back where you started". And it is true, she called me after I moved saying we're separated but still together yet I saw no remorse, no accountability. Avoidants will always tell you their traumas, pay atention because that's how you determine their attachment style. Accept that if they are not humble to accept professional help they cannot change. Because, you cannot know what you don't know, you cannot feel what you don't feel and you can't change what you're not aware of. The man below said it perfectly too "You will become a shell of what you used to be" but that is what some need, because no one gets a fucking free pass anymore.
Leave it
how do you ever gain true trust for this sort of person? are you supposed to just feel empathy until they decide to do real self reflection and grow up?
Chris, you are so real. Congrats!
I loved how you asked for the subscription. You'd be eternally grateful ! Kewl.... I believe you also
I really appreciate your amazing psychology breakdown here but what is the point?
Why are we trying to fix so much when they can’t have some basic self reflection, it’s too risky of a relationship to get into
How about dating an Aries DA? They are crazy! I can't get a read on him. Together for 3.5 years and one day wakes up and say I don't think I'm in love you, i need space🤷♀️ He reached out to me first saying he missed me 6 weeks later. I made the mistake of reaching out every once and awhile but now going full no contact. It's going on 5 months. I'm done.
Hi Chris, I just wanna say THANKYOU THANKYOU SO MUCH!, listening 2 your videos hav made me realise why I am having issues with my boyfriend bcos m anxious n he's avoidant.
Keep saying u r the best 👌 in the industry 🙏🙏🙏
Only in rltnship seriously 3 mths, had me in tears twice (took my ex hubby 6 yrs for that). I put in all the work, no emotion & no empathy from him. Last straw was him showing disrespect......when he told me to "stop Mothering me!" I said goodbye the next morning.
Am,in fact an avoidant but am not 100% emotionally dull. I enjoy enough space, with a secure r/ship. However, with ex, I literally turned to pursuer as my ex is super dismissive avoidant which made our r/ship more work than fun to me with zero futurity as he kept sending mixed signals. As an avoidant myself, I only protest a little bit and I said am done many times. ..we had multiple break up before the last one became super serious one. He was my best friend ..but r/ship is not for us.
I had almost this same exact experience!
And we so want our partners to be our best friends. 😔 sigh
Amazingly put up ! keep up the good work
I like you. and subscribed
Great video Chris. Thank you . You really has to be a magician with them . My ex has come after 3 years and wants to get back, but I don't know how to make him stay as he always leaves when everything is really the best 🤦♀️
Holy Smokes CHRIS, thank you ! You’re video is on point & one of the best videos I’ve seen on attachment styles🔥
4 years with an avoidant, they are useless, give nothing and get offended when partner stops giving, then they start gaslighting to make the partner seem crazy. She is welcome to be someone else's problem
I completely fathom this. I’ve always been secure in my relationships. Sometimes the way in which you attempt to relate to your partner alters you in some way. I am in between anxious and secure, because overall I am a very secure person; but I invested so much in an avoidant, that it broke me down, but it’s the process of rebuilding that’s mist prevalent. Thus I truly do not want to be an avoidant, because loving one was the most difficult obstacle and in the end they’re really not happy, in the long run… So if I may, work on it. You deserve to feel and be secure in your relationships…My partner was the mist loving and still I perceive as an amazing individual, but there are some traumas and issues that must be addressed internally…
Waitting for this video about 2 months !!!
@Anna Gejd i will write to u now
German number
Seems like yr mobile is off
@Anna Gejd i should save 001 etc, right?
Curious for feedback on my ex FA: Dated 7-months and she checks all the boxes (This is new to me), while I’m definitely an Anxious. She always told me she loved me, showed affection, connected emotionally, talked about a lifetime commitment even… Then, we took a trip with her 16-year old daughter. Things got too real for her. Actually had a good trip, but minor things set her off. We texted/talked over the phone for four weeks, trying to work things out. Had the best conversations of our entire relationship during that time. Then one day she just said she had no desire to be romantically involved with anyone, but I could keep texting her if I wanted. I tried twice after that, but it was too painful. She told me she loved me almost up to the end. I stopped texting (2-weeks now) and trying the no contact rule. What am I missing? Do I contact at all? She didn’t seem nearly as avoidant as most I hear on here.
if she isn't in therapy and on a self healing journey i would cut your losses and run from experience.
Don’t communicate, mirror them.
If avoidants become more sercure when with a sercure, why do sercure's turn insercure after being with them? The anxious gets told to work for it but the avoidant just needs to be with a sercure? That doesn't make sense.
Chris, have you seen this approach really work to get an avoidant back?
Everything you said was💯🎯
My ex sent me a Happy Thanksgiving after ghosting. He said his daughter said "hello". I returned the same response... that was it. Nothing since. Was itva play or guilt?
Does an an avoidance personality jokes around ?
I still don’t understand how to talk even communicate with my avoidant ex when he’s avoiding me….
@@stacynava8211 Are you sure ex is a true avoidant? Have you done no contact?
If the avoid you there's obviously some emotion that is blocking them from interacting with you.
Like anger, resentment, fear. Maybe it's something you did in the past or what they imagine a break up has to be like. Sometimes they create a mental image of you to justify the break up further.
Try to find out what it is that is holding them back. If it's something you did, maybe apologize for it. Try to get them to open up about it and try to understand their point of view. It doesn't matter if they are "right". Just try to understand where they are coming from and empathize with it
@@MonotoniTV are you saying this because you are an avoidant?
So much hate for avoidants it's sickening
My ex also has bipolar. I wonder how much that affects all of this. She broke up during a depression, and was influenced heavily by family and friends.
I made the mistake of pushing on the wrong day and that is why he ended it. I can't help feeling if I had just not talked to him that night we would have been fine and I'm crushed. I know he's gone for good tho
Nope. This is a common mistake of an anxious attachment - if only I’d done this or that... it’s nonsense. The problem is in THEM, not you. The only thing you’re doing wrong is sticking around for more of their abuse.
@@lisabeaumont thank you
Same situation! He suddenly drew the line and disapeared. What is that?
@@lisabeaumont Indeed! I used to have secure attachment and my buttons were deliberately pushed so much that I became anxious. When I started to go back to secure the button-pushing started BIG TIME!!
@@mikaylag9420 no! Listen, flower: it’s not you. The reason you argued was his avoidance. The reason you freaked out is because anyone with decency would have contacted his girlfriend - arguments or not - to let her know he’s coming back. I’m seeing your comment 3 weeks after you wrote it. I hope you’ve kicked him to the curb and will look for someone secure. Watch a short series of videos by Coach John Bush on attachment - he is literally the ONLY person I’ve found telling the truth about this stuff. All the others are teaching how to walk on eggshells around Avoidants, and you don’t want that because it’s a no-win situation.
Why is enough attention not being paid to avoidants working on themselves to move from “avoidant” to “secure”?
Please identify more regularly in these videos that avoidants need to do work to improve themselves, not only require others around them to fit into this.
Yeah it’s very rare they ever work on themselves
The very thought of working on themselves triggers them and off they go again. I’ve only recently identified that my partner is a da.. having found the holy grail, I tried to share a video with them.. I haven’t seen them since!
Because their precious feelings have to be skirted around! Everyone SHOULD walk on eggshells for them, they're special! 😉
AMEN...do the work like everyone else has to
Exactly! He projected and said he needed to walk on eggshells around me. Nope. Other way around!
Wow thanks amazing information
I never came across this video but I have struggling with my ex character for 13 years and I always make a way to understand about how his feeling and he always ask me how do you know woow you are the only one understands me and so on but the problem am the draining in that relationship cause I reach the point where I can't anymore explain about my problems to him and now i became his problem solver anytime he had a problem he come to me and I aolve quickly
I really love him and the worst moments is when i am missing him badly he hi avoiding me and when i move and trust to forget about him he just jumped in to me don't know what to so when ever i try to talk about something serious or intimacy he always change the topic
Why are there so many videos about how to reconnect, and so few about how to negotiate breaks in the no contact to stay out?
I'm anxious in every aspect of my life, and always have been. I'll never be able to change. But I want her back.
@Max Sheerin don't assume I haven't tried working on myself, I've seen doctors and therapy and many other things.
Love your videos Thank You so much 😊
Glad you like them!
Timestamps , what are we supposed to say ? To avoiding ex
Let these avoidant be alone and enjoy their freedom forever
I laughed when I saw the title. Why would you want to communicate with your avoidant EX? Number one. It's an x number two he's avoidant. Stop the craziness and be good to yourself out there.
Hypothetically, what if an anxious style broke up with someone, would they show traits of an avoidant style?
They're going to go through crazy withdrawal and probably come back unless you did something terrible to them or they have someone else.
Me and my wife have been married 26 years I am anxious she is a Avoidance I feel like we can be a power couple when everything is clicking but the last 8 months have been tough she told me about 4 days ago that she wants to divorce but I love her with all of my heart I still get butterflies in my stomach thinking about her what should I do keep trying or to let her go! Deep down in my heart I want to keep trying because I know it can work it has worked we have 3 kids and 26 years of memories
My avoidant gf broke up with me 5 days ago, and since then she is calling and texting me every day. I am answering, but I am avoiding contacting her myself. What does this mean? Does it trigger her need to pull away? She texted me at 3AM and I made the mistake to reply. She asked me not to forget her and said it's temporary. I found out later she's been drinking that night.
Omg this is me ! ❤
Thank you 🍀
You are so welcome
Can this work after you begged and smothered post break up and she told me to move on I tried reaching out the other day with humor and I got no response
Sorry I have one more question . Pl Are then capable of love or caring for another person after I would have thought so. Ty so much.i just want know what to do or deal .
How long should I wait and beleive he will come back.?
Time stamp: 7:00 in is where the video begins.