100%, they will be nothing but constant confusion and headache and hurt... unless they change themselves, let them go for your own sake. They are losing your stability, you are losing a constant hot and cold pain. Speaking from experience. Even though I miss her, my life is more peaceful without her.
I'm Fn sick of playing games. Figuring out attachment styles, and figuring out different tactics to do this or that. All I wanna do it find someone who loves me and will never give up. And we can go through life together.
@@samboriboun2213 define normal! What is normal? Do you feel that everyone has the same normal as everyone else? Or do you feel normal is just a word made up by someone who made this word?
indeed, even though you express them the bad you feel or if you are even passing through a medical issue they just don't give a fuck, I do consider them as subhumans
The best way to get over an avoidant ex (and I am the dumper) is to watch a ton of these videos, one after the other.... and just see the work that needs to be done: Do you have a chance? Do they care? Are they FA or DA? How much space should you give them? How much space should you not give them? On and on.... I actually feel like vomiting... No one is worth this much mental and emotional energy.... so, anytime I miss my FA/DA/WTF Avoidant ex BF of 9 years, I just binge-watch... Makes me so happy that I am moving on, slowly but surely. I understand now why his ex-wife was barely civil to him.
Love this comment. Just got out of my 2nd rodeo with presumably FA ex. First time I really wanted her back despite the traumatic discarded. This time round i feel totally indifferent. No anger, no anxiety. I can't connect to any good memories of us anymore. Just exhausted and indifferent. But self care is slowly building up my energy reserves. I really don't care what she wants at this point. I realise the entire dynamic is just ducked. Can't get any of my needs met and can't work on healing and maintaining my inner security either while with her.
It doesn't work. Even if they do miss you/come back, they will pull away again, & again, & AGAIN, once they see they got you again. They need extensive therapy to help their childhood wounds. Nothing else will work, them coming back ISN'T ABOUT YOU, it's about them feeling lonely. Nothing more. Mine came back numerous times, I finally responded & he lacked total accountability for everything, including his selfish disappearing. Then like clockwork, retreated & ignored me. Now I'm forever done. Good luck to everyone who is or has dealt with these individuals. ❤
That sounds rough. Sorry you went through that. For the best that you moved on. It's like subconscious power play. Better to find a truly fulfilling life or rship.
It's like "Groundhog Day", re-living the same cycle over and over again ... you know exactly how it's going to go, so you must learn to detach and love yourself by setting limits and boundaries 🤷🏿♀️
Once an avoidant breaks up with you they act like you were never together and cold and resentful. I was with one for over 6 months and it was great. Then boom done. Craziest thing.
The first 6 months sounds like the ball mark point at which they decide to leave. I got engaged to an FA and the next day he announced that he is moving to another country. No prior discussions. Apparently he heard a voice telling him to go.
You don't want these people back, folks. I know because I've been in love with them. Very few experiences can match the pain of being in love with someone with an avoidant attachment style. If they are gone, be kind to yourself and find someone capable of loving you.
The people that love me all seem to be obsessive people with little self confidence and interlectual similarities neither of which is suitable long term either
@@wheresthecomedyspiritualit7113 that’s why they need to leave the person be and go on with their lives. No one need to beg for love under any circumstances. If someone decides to jump ship , so be it. Bye bye
@@wheresthecomedyspiritualit7113 you are too judgmental of others. No one will ever live up to the impossible standard you created in your head, not even yourself. If you don’t already have them, you should get a pet and call it a day.
Learning about Attachment styles makes a lot of sense as to how my previous relationship fell apart, but dating an avoidant is like a full time job with their inconsistent bullshit.
Oh mate.. I litrally laughed so much at your completely acurate comment. Lets just say "I concur" She blew my mind when I met her and blew my mind when she ended it. Hope your ok Chief 🙌
My Avoidant was able to go to" I love you so much", to leaving over nothing and then wanting to be friends a month later as if the relationship of a year on and off never happened. He has been reaching out more as " friends" but still has his avoidant mode going on. It is the hardest thing letting go of these people because they really make you think they love you so much they would never leave you. I think they love as much as they can and then are able to run and detach quick. It is sad for them because yes they have past traumas they do not try and deal with but also horrible for ones who fall in love with them and would do anything for them.
Experienced the same situation…. It’s sad and feels unnatural to give up… but I am not a therapist… at some point you get tired always the one trying and being the understanding one.. Moving on and focus back to yourself seems to be the best one can do in such situation.
The pattern continued and right when I started dating my new boyfriend he professed his love again and said he would wait for me for a year. I cried telling him that this is what he would do when he last broke up with me. I am in a better place even though I still think of him. I would never be able to feel settled and calm with him. It is so nice now not walking on egg shells wondering when someone could just up and leave for minor minor issues. I still have PTSD a bit but my new boyfriend works it through with me and understands why I have this fear of him leaving over nothing.
The thing with avoidant attachment style people is they shove things under the rug and they never want to solve a damn thing. They think that the next day is just brand new and never mention it ever again. Things don’t get solved that way. And then when you say some thing that they don’t like they will either try to ignore you for about three weeks or just end the relationship constantly and ask for everything back even the things that they’ve given you. Its…..it’s painful. They need more alone time than anyone else on this planet and they prefer relationships where you don’t have to bother with the other person so much. It’s sad that anxious and avoidant seem to attract each other because anxious needs to have that comfort
Reminds me of the boyfriend in Fleabag, who always leaves, but leaves the toy dinosaur, indicating that he will be back - until the one time when he doesn't leave it.
I don't want my avoidant ex back. It was her avoidance that caused us to break up in the first place, it's not like she suddenly became secure in the last few months. If I took her back, there is no doubt in my mind we would go down the same road and let me tell you, I never experienced so much pain in a relationship than I did trying to get this person to love and want me. I never want to go through that again. I felt more alone with her than I do now being actually alone. EDIT: It has now been two years and I have been working on myself ever since, I've made a lot of progress in becoming secure and I don't agree with everything I said in this comment. Especially when I said "trying to get them to love and want me" I have learned since he that you cannot love someone into loving you. While I blamed her avoidance for our breakup I have since accepted the fact that my anxious attachment was just as much to blame. This person and I have maintained a great friendship and intimacy since then.
I totally agree. He bringed me down to hell in exchange of my love. To punish me cause I falled inlove and I demonstrate it. So I had the silent treatment as gift and the stonewalling. He said he can't love someone now and can't be in a relationship. Damn. I wished I found the man of my life and this is what I found sadly.
Run from DA’s. Unless they go deep into therapy, I just don’t think change is possible. They will leave you questioning your worth with their emotional ambiguity and disappearing acts when you ask for your needs or question the dynamic -which will surely be unbalanced. I have never had such a confusing experience before. Don’t get stuck in their pattern. Don’t chase, let them go.
Finally came to this painful realization myself... but it's true. Even if they make you feel amazing at times, remember that they also put you at your lowest. let go of them, they are genuinely the most confusing people when it comes to romance, don't mess with them, you will get hurt.
The problem with these videos is that it puts the avoidant partner first, instead of deciding what is healthy for you! The only advice people need is this: There are plenty of fish in the sea and lots of potential soul mates out there. If someone is avoidant, drop them and find a secure partner who will treat you amazing. No need to play games! It's not worth a life of misery. Why would you treat yourself that way? Find a secure partner! They exist! You just need to put your needs/wants first. NOT stratagems for bringing a TOXIC person back!
This is good advice. Avoidants, unless they change themselves for you, will always be a heartache for you. FInd someone willing to commit to you and give you a secure relationship.
I feel like crying when everyone here watched this video commented they dont want their avoidance ex back. My eyes wide opened that we deserve a way better. If they want they will come for us, we dont need all these strategies. But, these helps us relieve our anxiety. Hugs for those in healing process, you are not alone
He’s an ex for a reason. 6 months of hot and cold in and out. Sick and tired of it. I stayed quiet for 2 weeks and he came to my door. After a week he went back to his old habits. I’m done.
I cannot explain to you the hell I've experienced in this last month. I've been through break-ups and fallouts before and they hurt but atleast they didn't leave me spiraling and in a completely confusing wreck. My DA "friend" (but it was agreed that we'd move towards building more slowly) ghosted me after 4+ months of consistent communication. No friction, no arguments, nothing. Just VANISHED. I obviously tried to reach out multiple times and left a voice note and tried to call (I did all this before I knew about Attachment Theory). No response. Even my suffering didn't move him to atleast say a parting word or two. I was devastated...did I really care about him more than he ever cared about me? I thought we spent some good time together and everything was going swell. This hit me out of left field and punched me right in the gut multiple times over. I would literally want to vomit when I thought about how easily disposable he seemed to imply I was even though he probably didn't do it out of ill-intent or maliciously. :/ I cannot even deal. I'm not engaging with a DA or FA again. I'm an Anxious Attachment and BLEEDING HEART. I share and trust easily and love passionately and completely. I go out of my way to see every way I can help them in (be it career or lifestyle changes or emotional support or venting or whatever it may be). I change my schedule so I can accommodate theirs and their free time. I pray for them and communicate how much I value them and their presence in my life. I want somebody to care about me and my happiness and feelings and wellbeing as much as I'd care about theirs.
Prayers for you. I'm a guy and our stories are almost exactly the same except for me it was at about 22 months when she intentionally "weaned" me out of her life over a 6 week period. I made all the "weak" mistakes but I could care less now because I'm not sure I want her back. I told her that she used me then discarded me like a used paper towel. My prayers go out to you ❤... I too am a believer. 🙏
I’m sorry he just ditched and went no contact. That’s got to hurt! Reading the end of your paragraph though, as an avoidant it kind of gave me anxiety how you were willing to change your schedule, bent over backwards, so accommodating, loving, kind and supportive… and wanting those things or anywhere near that in return! I can’t speak for all avoidants but I’m way too lazy in my relationships for any of that! I want to be free to do my thing without having to lift much of a pinky finger to make someone else feel loved. My guy and I are both the same, avoidant, and we get along great. We do kind gestures for each other and we’re courteous, but in our own way, in our own timing, as we feel like it, no expectations. Avoidant people are really nervous around anyone who goes overboard to be good to us because we feel then we owe them. In childhood, most avoidants’ mother made them feel obligated and responsible for her emotions by using guilt tactics. I hope you can meet someone wonderful who doesn’t have such a need for distance.
Exactly 💯 the same. We should know better. It's innate 😢you're not alone it's like falling in a trap you hope won't be set this time. But it always is ... 🙏🙏🌺✨️🕊
'Most avoidant's mothers made them feel obligated & responsible'!What tosh! I think we could all find something in our childhood as an excuse. Some of the nicest people have had dreadful childhoods. It's about what's in our hearts and about taking responsibility for our actions. Don't be fooled, people.
This hits home, I am the same way and have gone through this very thing. I'm so sorry. They disappear like you never existed and didn't talk all the time. It's so devastating and painful 😢
Unless you’re a fellow avoidant, don’t try to get an avoidant back. It won’t work because someone will have to stop being themselves in order for the other to be happy.
So accurate! lol As I'm watching, I'm thinking: this is too much work, f--- this! We (anxious) basically have to carry the relationship on our backs...... exhausting!
Valuable point. I'm hoping my avoidant comes back after no contact 🤷♀️ but I'm not sure if it's worth it. I might want to reconcile as friends but be realistic that a relationship is too hard.
@@sazonada that’s up to you. I’d love to be friends with my ex but I’ll always want more. Best to just work on yourself and not take back a DA unless that partner has worked on themselves.
@@jjc2323 Great advice. We have to be honest with ourselves. I think I've figured out he's a fearful avoidant, so that would make keeping it platonic even more challenging, as he might try to draw me back in.
Yes I would love for my ex to come back IF! She's gotten into therapy and she would have to try more then me in the relationship and I know that's not going happen so it has helped me move on fairly fast!🙌
as someone who has been dealing with an avoidant, the best advice I can give, is to actually move on from the person. Work on yourself, see other people, and healthily process your emotions. Accept that you can't win over an avoidant easily, and let them go... don't sit around and wait for them, and definitely don't pursue or chase them. That will only get you more hurt, especially in my case, where she started dating other guys she doesn't even really know to fill the void that I made in her life, and to avoid the hurt she caused me. Move on, and if they don't come back, find someone who is willing to stay with you and commit. If they do come back, awesome. But make sure they are willing to work on their insecurities and better themselves and their commitment to you before letting them back into your life, to avoid further hurt.
I can tell you, if the Avoidant is really not in Love with you there is nothing you can do to make them miss you. Be direct and ask. And its really over, then move on.
This is the wildest shit I ever come across! I didn’t know he was avoidant til after I broke up with him but genuinely needed to understand wtf happened and was tired of blaming myself or being the dramatic one cuz I needed communication. Something that shud be so important in a relationship. But holy fuck!!! This has been the most wildest relationship I ever been in and although I’m heartbroken still I know I couldn’t keep going in the cycle. Save yourself from people like these. They will have u looking thinking and reacting crazy when it’s never been in ur nature. I’m sorry but it’s disgusting. And even the little part of me that wants them back after seeing this video eww fuck them. It’s just mental abuse to the ones that just want genuine love and respect.
Like most people, I’ve been in both places. The truth is that time is part of it. Eventually as an an anxious you’ll move on and as an avoidant you’ll get nostalgia and seek your ex. During this time as an anxious you need to work on yourself. Like major level up. You probably already know how to do this but aren’t motivated. Even more reason to get serious about that. Not sure what the cure for being avoidant is. But I can tell you it hurts way way more.
Don’t. Just move on & don’t stop until you find someone secure. The only way I’d let a DA back is after some serious admissions right off the bat from them if they reached out, & a vow that they’ve changed. This won’t happen bc they’ll try and beat around the bush for months after a timid “hey just checking in”. And if they have actually changed and decide to reach out, which they won’t, it’ll have been years.
I started as a secure then became more anxious as the avoidant drew away. I'm secure enough to let them go and sort their own bits and bobs out because I cant fix them nor can anyone else. It's fun knowing they will find a self fulfilling way to screw themselves over. Your the best they will have.
"Because if they feel like they're missing you when you are available, you'll get back together and they don't want that" 😂 That's so f*cked up! DA's should just remain single forever for everyone's sake. Too much dam baggage they have.
Agreed. DA husband here, and he doesn't want any help nor make any changes in his life... So i guess it's goodbye then. Can't force things. Till then, we anxious are heartbroken inside 😕
@@ornellaivanavalcarce2592 I can't imagine what it's like for the anxious. I've always had a secure attachment style in relationships. But DA's are just so hot and cold, take long unexplained periods of silence, they ignore you. You never know where you stand coz they seem so disinterested and distant. What is even the point of being in a relationship if you feel like your partner cannot support you. Even I turned anxious. If you didn't know anything about attachment styles you would just think it's rude, disrespectful and psychopathic behaviour on the verge of emotional abuse. I can't imagine what it's like to be married to one. I hope you find a way to cope better by either working with him or working on yourself or end it. For me, the cons seem to outweigh the pros. But I'm now more attentive to the signs and will stay away from them for my own sanity.
I know, totally crazy. I am married to a DA,been 13 yrs. Came to know about attachment styles only a year ago. So you can just imagine how my self esteem must have plummeted because of the personalizing of his behaviour. Now that I do understand why he behaves the way he does,the resentment has gone and i do have compassion for him. But having said that,i dont want to go through life w/o having my needs met.
Hahahahha just chill ..... its their world.... not yours..... they need to feel free to reach out ..... its messy for the partner but its messy for them too
These people are just the worst let’s face it. I’ve dated several in my life and they were terrible partners. My most recent ex was one too and although he was wonderful in some aspects and not as avoidant as other people I have dated, there was still that defensiveness in communication and some selfishness. He has zero self awareness of his behaviors at times, in his mind he’s this perfect saint he’s not. The lesson: don’t date any of these people period. Find someone secure who’s capable of intimacy and a healthy relationship. These people are terrible communicators and very hostile and isolated. You’re better off alone
Ugh these words. I needed them. I finally broke out of this 3-year cycle I was in.. my love for him was so strong I ignored the red flags until I couldn’t take it any longer.
@@digital.scents I know it’s hard. Trust me you’re better off. I posted this 4 months ago and had some time to self reflect. I’ve made peace with nothing I could have ever done would have changed this period. He takes zero accountability for his behaviors and in his mind is always the victim when called out for them. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m pretty sure till this day he still thinks he did nothing wrong and he’s a victim. It’s seriously a joke. He didn’t see how many messed up things he did and said that were hurtful and blatantly disrespect. He still thinks he’s a saint. It’s laughable. I think it comes down to maturity. It takes a mature MAN to be accountable for himself and his behaviors and own his sh**, not a boy (mine was 36 so age does not matter. He was an absolute man child).
Now I can see that too. I’m anxious and he was avoidant, he broke up with me twice , but the second time he didn’t even give me the chance, he just gave up and blocked me. But he kept me on wapp. I’m doing NC with him, I’m tired of his behaviour, I can feel that he wants me to chase him but I also have my dignity. I’m ready to move on from him and his shitty behaviour. And so immature. 🙄such a turn off for me.
@@Eg-jd9zt , I had only one and he was super toxic , he was blocking and unblocking me , then I blocked him for good ! I hate toxic men! They hurt you so bad that you don’t feel like yourself anymore and playing so many mind games.
Truth is that an avoidant will make sure to give you so much attention in starting to take you to your highest point of addiction with him or her and then when you start expecting to continue the same, they will make you feel you are crazy one always smothering them!! You think its 'true love', they see it as 'neediness'; you see as your 'time investment', they see giving time as 'sacrifice', you see dreams for future and they just enjoy pleasure of leaving you crying detaching from you at your highest point of addiction. They are designed to play 'pull and push' game because they are fickle minded and have never got true love from their family so they can hardly appreciate your love!! No matter how many times they come back, they will always play the same game. Get over it!! If you enjoy constant drama and don't have any self esteem, keep giving them benefit of doubt, but they will devalue you more and keep you around at their convenience!! Love to all Avoidants who need healing and love to all who are still stuck with Avoidants! ❤️
Soo true… this is exactly what happened with me … I m anxious nd my ex ws avoidant.. it has been 3 months now we broke up but he hasn’t came back..blocked me from everywhere.. nd here’s me still hoping he will come back one day but now i realise it’s just a waste of my time
Yes just went through this with my fiancé of three years !!! He just up and moved out bc he felt smothered and all these stupid ass things . It’s been devastating we we’re suppose to get married this summer .
Your post hit me like a ton of bricks. Personally, I'm not in a romantic relationship and hate how all these videos are about girl/boyfriends. My avoided is my best friend, and I'm seriously ready to end the friendship.
@@Trip14999 Its important that you recognise this behaviour and what it is doing to you. Don't let this mess your mind more because eventually you will start losing confidence and would form barrier of major trust issue with everyone. Don't hold on to relationship just because you invested so much time but think about the long time you want to invest on the right one. Wish you well 👍
This is fraternity psychology. I just left an avoidant for the last time. I don't want him to miss me now or ever. That's a game I'm not interested in playing. My self worth is more important than pining after someone who treated me like a job, never shared in my excitement over the relationship and sabotaged us passive aggressively by not getting me anything for Christmas. Fuck that! Leave with your dignity, folks. It won't get any better. YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO MISS YOU! You don't want them to come back just to start the cycle over and over again until you are just a shell of yourself, sitting around the breadcrumbs they leave you. Edit: I figured out he wasn't just an avoidant, he was a full fledged Covert Narcissist with sociopathy. I was so duped into thinking he was just quiet and kind, please don't make the same mistake and ignore weird, red flags. Run, run. Run!
@@lp1043 they do it to purposely hurt you. Mine absolutely knew Christmas was important to me and pulled that crap ON PURPOSE!! Sat around my tree with my kids and opened up all the gifts I got him and gave me nothing. He tried to play dumb but when I've seen him buy thoughtful presents for other people, I knew it was just to hurt me. And why in the hell would I want to be with someone like that?! He also made a big deal about forgetting how old I was and when my birthday was. These people are truly evil and miserable. Please don't go back to him. It will never get better. I've been away from mine for over 3 months and it's getting better and better.
I am pretty sure my comment is going to hurt some people, but please don't take it personally nor compare it to your own experience... Each person is unique ! To me, meeting my avoidant partner had been the most difficult experience in my life so far, but also the one that forces me to grow the most. And I'm grateful for that. It doesn't matter much, what he does or doesn't do, at the end of the day... it's more about how I navigate my own life and my own emotional waves... I'm becoming softer and kinder with myself, and it gives me the energy to take care of what needs to be taken care of regarding my own wounds... we don't have power over the other. We can just lead by example. It's all about taking one's power back and choosing what to do with it. I chose not to hate nor resent. I feel empowered instead. That's the person I want to be. It's not the easy path, but to me that's the least resistance path.
Basically an avoidant is a person that is emotionally unavailable. A formula for heartache if you do so much as give this whack job a hug/a kiss and and heaven forbid you should bring up a conversation about a future together then they will ghost you for a few months. People if this is what you are dating...I suggest you run and don't look back unless you too are an avoidant then have fun.
😂😂😂 funny how you talk about the future and them ghosting I asked mine what they see for our future and they went crazy and became abusive right then and there I knew it was over 2 years in already and you can’t talk about our future no thanks I don’t have time to waste
@@staciecook5217 sorry for what happened but move on these people are inhumane and have no empathy I treat people like that like the fcking enemy because that’s what they are someone who loves you doesn’t do that 👋
If anyone does the research avoidants and anxious are the bulk of the single people. Why? Secure attached people are in long term relationships at a greater rate and there are less of them. So bottom line: if you don't learn how to navigate with an avoidant you will struggle with all partners. Chances of finding a securely ATTACHED individual is slim. And anxious/ anxious is also hell. Work on yourself to BECOME secure and this is what you need to move on with your ex or anyone else you meet. YOU are the key. Focus on your OWN attachment style. Work on those inner child wounds that cause anxious attachment. This is what I'm working on harder than trying to get my avoidant ex back. In time. He will return. And if he doesn't, I'II be better either way.
Update - I stayed focused on me and me came back the day before Super Bowl. I’ve not allowed him back fully into my life as before but he’s working his way there. The key difference: my attachment to the outcome is lower on the agenda. I stay in the moment with him and watch his words = his actions. Major key 🔑. Im so much stronger since no contact and we still have the strongest connection. I’m just taking my time.
I love this comment so much because that’s where my mindset is now 😁 I still want him back but I’m working on developing a secure attachment so even if he doesn’t come back, I’ll still be fine and hopefully find a secure partner.
There are similarities, but not the same. Narcissists are a lot more calculated, they tend to plan out on how to manipulate you, groups, etc for either personal gain or for fun. Also, they can get a lot closer (love-bombing). Avoidants don't do physical touch, compliments and sharing things about themselves very well and it's obvious. Also, they do dumb shit. A lot less calculated.
Hey Tellie, I think this is exactly why we are trying so hard. For other people who commented, they have given up. But it is us who know what they have been through and how much love they were able to display when things were still good between the couples. That made me realize this is a person I love and I REALLY want her to feel like a human being worthy of love too. We will keep on fighting.
Great video. I knew my ex was an avoidant but I never anticipated him leaving me out of the blue when he inadvertently showed me his vulnerable side. He ran for the hills even though I created an open, accepting and nurturing environment for him and gave him plenty of space. It’s the fear of intimacy and losing control that made him flee and reassert his control over the situation. He wars many masks and when the mask finally dropped, he thought he couldn’t recover his perfect man image and ran. He has a lot of inner shadow work to do, and he needs to stop suppressing his past traumas and start processing them in a healthy way. I had been doing this work for years now and I though he had too, so I miscalculated there. It will be years before he comes back in my opinion because there is a lot of work that needs to be done to overcome his fears. I miss him very much and I feel like it was a right person wrong time type situation. It pains me to see him go. I hope he can prioritize his self development and free himself from the ghosts of the past.
This is so cruel, hurtful, it’s not our fault to be the way we are. I know I am a dismissive avoidant but that is so much more complicated to solve, when you really love a person and don’t want him to leave but you know you caused it, but there’s simply not a precise solution to fix ourselves, we suffer too.
I've been a DA too..had childhood traumas and traumas throughout my adulthood..been working on it and I feel in a much better place..now I know I can commit to a partner, make him feel loved and I know I won't make him feel lonely. I'd say only date a DA when he/she is willing to work on themselves!
Unless they say they’ve done work on themselves when they attempt to come back, don’t bother. You’ll just go through the same cycle as before-they want you on their terms then leave when it gets real again.
this isnt love guys. get them back and then what? never show your feelings? always let them run the relationship? or else they’ll leave you again? you deserve better.
Only if youre truly moved on is when they miss you after someone rejected them? So you get back together but you're only second choice after all the work you did to move on... you're rewarded by being an option lol That sound like freaking emotional abuse lol
It is. That part & the silent treatments,stonewalling,the walk on eggshells to not trigger them. The dissappear pop back up ignore important topics. It's emotional abuse in every way.
Not worth another minute of my life. I let my ex DA go and I'm not looking back. Too much much time has been invested and they are not doing the work they need to do. So goodbye, farewell!
😁Yes Thank You Mario . I am getting so much from reading these posts. Phew Phew Phew. God you know ..the others like us know...what its been like....so fortunate to Be HERE NOW with all of you. Future is Intensely Bright
Don’t bother. Just let it go. Praise God and move on. You complain about games and then proceed to play one yourself? Oh no. Please. C’mon. What are you doing? Here is a better plan: Praise God and move on, knowing that God has freed you from an unhappy fate.
Point 4 is ridiculous. Letting someone go f*ck around with other people should never be the answer. Self fulling prophecy or not, if someone likes me but goes out with other people then no, they are not worth my affection or frankly my time.
The video is awesome but the comments are gold. Thanks folks for making me realize that i have to run as far away as possible to my avoidant ex whos trying to contact me again. He is such a broken soul coming from being an adopted child and growing up in a country where he look different from everyone else. His mom who adopted him was no good either. She forced him to use his right hand when he's naturally a leftie. Just one example of how effed up his childhood was. My break up w him shook me to the core and i cant understand why. Now i know why. Bcos he triggered my insecure attachment. I have a new man who seem to be secure but when my ex contacts me, i thought i still love him. Your comments just opened my eyes wide.
So ridiculous what we put up with. I have no problem moving on from relationships. However, for some reason with this guy in order for me to move on fully, I needed to give us a second chance. The difference this time around is I'm not putting up with any dysfunction. We've only been together a week and he already has gone Mia today after a great date yesterday. So it's frickin over. Sayonara fool. I'm livid. But glad to finally be able to close this chapter. Lessons learned. These people need some serious healing and I pray he gets it.
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Yeah... I'm just not gonna deal with an Avoidant. That's gonna drain the life outta me. I think I've dealt with one and the break up is still fresh & tbh, I don't care if he misses me or not anymore. It's his loss for taking my love for granted. 🙄
I'm in contact again after a year. A few amazing dates - everything could work out for marriage. But I signaled him he can have me and he's gone again!🙄 There's no hope for them unless they went to therapy!!!!!! Those men are great, but B R O K E N !!!!!
I just want to say that this is 100% spot on. I diagnosed him and explained it to him and he said it was 100% him. I told him how we can fix this and then he retreated… he said he needed space to think and I feel like I smothered him with information so it was hard for him to process… I told him when he’s ready to talk I’ll hear him. But I am focusing on myself and okay with him not returning :). I know that if this relationship means enough for him he will fix things about it to get there. He made so much improvement and I acknowledged it , unfortunately it can be overwhelming
I realized I got an anxious style while I was with him. When he told me he needed space I realized my anxiety minimized… I am secure and it’s only been a week… every guy I’ve dated has been like this. I have grown out of my anxiety and they always seem to come back when they see I’m happy living my life like nothing happened for some reason
This is a pretty good video and puts some things in perspective but...unless your avoidant is ready to see their avoidant attachment and willing to put the substantial time and energy required into working on it, forget about it! Because like all insecure attachment styles, the avoidant is generally unaware that their behavior is unhealthy to forming a good relationship. So when they begin to feel pressure, they will instinctively withdraw and find reasons about you to support and explain the pressure they feel. Remember it's not the avoidant's fault, nor the anxious attachers fault, it's a deep seated condition from early childhood. All insecure attachments can be wonderful people, but the only way, in my opinion, is to have both partners learn about their attachment styles and BE WILLING to question their reactions and work together to become more secure. Avoidant's get a bad rap, but if you find yourself attracted to them, then dig deep in yourself, take responsibility for your own attraction, educate yourself and make new choices.
You don’t “make” an avoidant miss you. You accept and respect them as they are. You made a choice to be with them, you should be secure enough to honour that. In time they will grow and become more secure themselves. But don’t date an avoidant with the aim of changing them. You just have to love them and yourself honestly. Basically the same as dating anyone. Avoidants require a partner that has a big enough cup for the relationship. Don’t kid yourself, it’s as hard for them too. Empathy, reciprocity and trust are the keys to all relationships. The door swings both ways.
Nutshell: no contact and go love yourself. Side note...stop the karmic cycle with these people, learn your lesson that you deserve more, stop believing they will change, they won't.
Exhausting, mind games are not necessary, taking all your energy for little things they create in their head, Told him go 3 months ago, can’t take the chaos, not playing games, so let them go off have another relationship, come and go when they want, life doesn’t work that way if your married, They mistrust the one they need to trust, and they are the ones who can’t be trusted.
Spoken by a woman who has no idea how its line being a man in today's world. Maybe take a look at why avoidants are caused and you'll realize it's women mainly doing damage to men. Lol
I didn’t realize what my ex style was until recently (DA). I hope he moves on - because then I know he may miss me. If not - then whatevs. I want him to be happy. And I want me to be happy. He wanted to stay friends and I said no. I know he is dating. I’m kinda over this. I feel better. I think if you want a DA back - ask yourself why. These people are not good for long term relationships or marriage UNLESS they realize how they are and work on themselves by self help and psychological counseling.
You're absolutely right. I was in the same situation as you. She wanted to keep calling to check in with "how are you" questions, but she had no interest in dates. I told her I'm not interested in being friends, and to only call me when she is interested in romance. She actually got upset, and said its over, even though she already said that when she left the relationship. I don't know if she is dating, but I doubt it. If she is though, that would help me get over her so much faster.
What a great video!!! I will add that once you are back with your avoidant partner they continue to want their space maybe even more than before the breakup!!! That’s where I am now. He is moving even slower in expressing himself and showing commitment and communicating his thoughts. It is a major trial of my patience and I am an anxious attachment type! Hard to know if all the struggles are even worth it with me feeling even more distant from him 6 months into us getting back together. It almost feels like we are broken up!
@@hkhan7041 unfortunately no we aren’t. We rarely talk. He ended up telling me he is too stressed for a relationship right now taking care of his elderly father and uncle. He said he wanted me to wait for him to get out of his current situation. I am not sure the relationship is worth waiting for. It’s just so hard we had been best friends 18 years and I have loved him for most of that time. It’s so hard to let go!
giving them the right to break up with you and date around and come back to you as they wish? what a privilege...whilst partner left confused, crying heart out wondering why one disappeared only to be contacted later on as if everything's fine... and the cycle repeats itself 😢
My ex avoidant was a great person in our short relationship, he was kind, gentle, empathic, organized nice dates and made small gifts. The only thing that bothered me is his small comments on the future where he is alone without me like thinking to go to another country alone or so. We broke up because he was not ready to commit. He is even in therapy. I can’t believe that he will suddenly wish to commit and cancel his lonely plans because of no contact period. Well, I agreed to stay friends in platonic way, but no matter if he will miss me or not he does not deserve my love… maybe after some time if he will start to allow himself to depend on another person and to express his real feelings, but I believe it will take months or years , it is easier to move on than to wait for him.
@ichaelis sounds very similar to my ex-bf in the part of running from things when they get emotionally deep. He keeps himself busy with hobbies and friends but everything is not deep. He understands that but he doesn’t even seem to fix that, he even recommended me to do same to escape my dark thoughts. I tend to think that he is fearful avoidant. But I managed to stay with him only a bit longer than two months, I forced tough conversation immediately after I have noticed sabotaging attitude (acting cold), and he said that he doesn’t want a committed relationship in nearest future, and i suggested to broke up so we did. My psychologist says that if I would stay with him I would notice that he gets distant and close in cycles but I think I am not able to manage his ambivalence, I won’t be able to handle this behavior. In your case you stayed quite long, did you already see enough, did you already notice his hot and cold behavior? He will continue it. You thought that he got warm, he probably noticed that you try to move forward and he got cold. It will never end… You might also know how your relationship started and how much initiative he took. They are extremely afraid of being rejected so they are very careful in reconnecting but they are also get scared when things get deeper than they expected. From what I understood about them he will start miss you only when he will think that you moved on. Because he will consider it is safe, if he thinks you push him even a bit he will get distant immediately. That’s a complicated thing, I feel sorry that you want him back.
Newsflash if you are still anxious and your partner is avoidant - Leave! It will only be a painful & dysfunctiona experience... this is terrible advice and toxic it is game playing and not how healthy relationships work! Never try too change a persons mind, character or feelings manipulatively, it is fake and desperate x
In the name of all that does not suck, why in hell would you want an avoidant to miss you or want them back in the first place? If you actually want this, you have replaced self-respect with a strange fetish for emotional abuse.
I was once an avoidant, until I actually came across one. Now, I know what the chaos and hell it brings trying to be with someone so closed off. However, in their own mind the games they play they feel they are the ones in the right. And it never hurts them to leave the world of another person scorched earth and unlivable behind them because its not their problem anymore when they leave you without answers. They actually enjoy the game of you chasing knowing they are wanted, while shutting down everything that you want.
@@caseygriffin9970 yikes!!! Lol Once again, its the original player. Anyone who takes joy out of torturing another like that are assholes. 🤷♀️ sry! I'm really trying to emphasize but its taking me directly back to every heart break. Maybe I'm just weak in the knees but I'm seeing DA's as soulless now.
@@strwb8361 Its more of a knowledge gap for some, while others just have very deep seeded problems. For me, it was because I was just a very bad communicator. And the second I felt a threat of them leaving, I just sabotaged the whole thing just to feel I had control of the situation and I left on my own terms. Its actually very childish behavior, and its a red flag that my ex girlfriends picked up on, they just never knew exactly how to finger point the problem. They just knew something was off. But you are right, DA's are almost soulless since they think everything is about them. And the harder you try to be with one, they will think that you are weak. Its exhausting, it will consume you of all your energy, and not worth your time. I now have the attitude if I ever come across one again, is "alright, you want to play stupid games, then you can you win your stupid prizes". But I think you will be fine, you will meet someone worthwhile. But dont ever do dating apps. Almost every single person on those things is someone you want avoid.
I finally reached Nirvana. He reached out and we're meeting up on Saturday and I'm fine with however it goes. Finally letting go is a great feeling. Thank you. It took a long time but I feel free from that anxiety now. 😊
Dying to know how it turned out. How long was long? In my case it was 11 months, but for three months all I was receiving were blah, blah type texted messages about every 2 to 3 weeks and he was not asking to see me and he never texted back after my reply. I reached Nirvana as well. He texted, after reflecting and taking my feelings into account, it took a day to open it , read it, more blah, blah type texting, then trashed it. That was a month ago and I haven't heard from him since. I'm sorry that he's a DA, but his 2 to 3 weeks text messages were keeping the hope alive in me that we would get back together. If I killed my chances of getting him back, then so be it. I've played it over and over and over in my mind and came to the same conclusion, my love can fix this man.
@@jd6331 it was a year. A long painful year. I've learned so much about both of us. The evening went very well. My expectations were zero. I feel good about just letting go.
@@dodie5466 💕. Wow. For me it's only been 5 weeks +/- so far (5/8 breakup), haven't spoken to him now in almost three weeks (5/26).... and I ignored his last text (6/2), because I'm doing no contact for my own sanity, which i told him the last time we texted. Every time I received a text from him over the two and a half weeks following the breakup asking how I am, etc., I would get an immediate sense of calm and comfort followed by me overanalyzing every single thing he said and wondering what it means and if he was wanting to get back together; I was allowing myself to constantly feel false hope, but it just kept breaking my heart over and over. I'm so sad to learn about "attachment styles" and that he's probably a dismissive avoidant where I'm anxious, but I'm trying to be more secure now..... Not sure how long I will wait at this point, I'm almost 35 and looking to settle down in the next few years, and I want children. Over the two years we were together, he and I talked about children all the time, as well as marriage and moving in together in the near future, but now that's all gone..... I'm just heartbroken. I'm glad things are working out for you, and I wish you the best. Stay strong. Be well and good luck~
@@jd6331 thank you. And to you too. Never devalue yourself in this process. I forgot myself and will never do that again ❤ Be strong and remember your worth.
i mean sitting around and waiting for someone to realize "youre the best thing thats ever gonna happen for them" seems like bad advice and even if it is true that means you could probably get better.
A DA will immediately move onto someone casually usually.. looking for their “intimacy fix”but they will fail to have the intimacy they need and miss BUT ironically run from..
I feel sorry 4 them BUT I would NEVER want this again--they run and stonewall while in the meantime you have to deal on your own--an avoidance will NEVER make you feel save-for me not different than an covert narcisst
this is exactly the thing that when the dumpee moves on, the dumper returns.......ever wondered why? it takes time for the avoidant to start missing you, they always do...but within this time, you managed to heal and genuinely have moved on... while the avoidant ex, had to feel "safe" first to mourn the breakup and then start missing you and all this takes a lot of time... So once you say to yourself, "ok i moved on, i don't care if my ex returns" - that's when you should expect the ex to return.....
Yeah they discarded me - I’m going through therapy to get over it. They discarded me three weeks ago and ghosted me. I won’t be contacting them again. I sent my last message that was heartfelt and they did nothing. Trying to move on.
This is mad toxic advice. The type of person he's describing is unhealthy and is not ready for a relationship; They're actually emotionally abusive... DO NOT waste your life "doing nothing" waiting for an "avoidant",
This video makes me want to take a test before getting in a committed relationship and ensure he ISN’T an avoidant. This is way too draining and makes me tired. I no longer want my ex and this will be the last ex video I will watch….time to fully move on since avoidants have too many issues and this seems like a game, one that I don’t wish to play.
Today is exactly one month since my avoidant ex left me out of the blue. She finally opened up and told me she loved me and how she only thinks of me when she’s with other people. Five days after that is when she ended it. Immediately started talking to someone else but said “I’m not going to date him.” Idk this sucks bad. The wound still feels fresh after one month. I know I shouldn’t, but every day I hope so much to just get a call or text from her. Stay strong young kings and queens.
Advoidant needs Space and Time often it seems I am aware of. Advoidant is afraid of being too close because of getting rejected or getting a heart broken.
So what you're saying is in my long distance relationship with my avoidantly attached boyfriend, I need to stop talking to him and make no effort in maintaining said long distance relationship, if I want him to give, what feels like to me, the bare minimum. But, is in actual fact, grand gestures of longing and appreciation. Cool. Thanks.
Back a year later to say, we’re still together and he is making small steps towards vulnerability and intimacy. We did a year back together and are back doing long distance while I go back to school to change careers (we’re from different country tries). Suffice to say, my attachment style is moving more towards secure from anxious.. and his is moving towards secure (SLOWLY) from dismissive avoidant.
So my summation of this type of person missing me is sure he will miss me just like any other ex will miss their ex but just because he misses me doesn’t mean he will miss me so much that he wants the relationship again. It sounds like they want to date someone that they won’t get emotionally attached to throughout their dating life. When they leave it’s like they are telling you “I wish you well.”
I feel so weird about this, in love with an avoidant since 6 years but revealed to be an avoidant too myself with the new one, fear of being controlled and disrespected and all the mechanism to avoid this big feeling to happen, this feeling of being used, betrayed, failed, is a lot of anger inside that we don’t see in avoidance. Also been in a couple during years with an avoidant. This is HELL. I think we should open up so much more to life and new people and stop waiting on the others to always make the first steps.
I just lost my avoidant ex for good bc I finally said everything I’ve been holding back in order to not make her leave again, knowing all the while she would leave anyway. I miss her so badly. She blew my entire life up. It sucks.
Avoid avoidant partners, you will beg for the bare minimum.. Run for your sanity
@@marissa1616 totally this
100%, they will be nothing but constant confusion and headache and hurt... unless they change themselves, let them go for your own sake. They are losing your stability, you are losing a constant hot and cold pain. Speaking from experience. Even though I miss her, my life is more peaceful without her.
I am running now!
@@braedynhoward3644 It really is some top crazy-making.
If kidd were not involved I would be done.
I'm Fn sick of playing games. Figuring out attachment styles, and figuring out different tactics to do this or that. All I wanna do it find someone who loves me and will never give up. And we can go through life together.
Same! I feel ya, man!
No normal people out there
@@samboriboun2213 define normal! What is normal? Do you feel that everyone has the same normal as everyone else? Or do you feel normal is just a word made up by someone who made this word?
There’s a science to everything. Ignoring it isn’t bliss.
Unfortunately nowadays maybe just on the movies..😢
Loving someone with an Avoidant Attachment style is like banging your head against a brick wall, over and over again.
You can say that again and I wonder if they ever fall in love
you been doing it wrong. we are really easy if you got the key
@@P03ticJustice what's the key if you don't even fall in love?
I can feel u😂
indeed, even though you express them the bad you feel or if you are even passing through a medical issue they just don't give a fuck, I do consider them as subhumans
The best way to get over an avoidant ex (and I am the dumper) is to watch a ton of these videos, one after the other.... and just see the work that needs to be done: Do you have a chance? Do they care? Are they FA or DA? How much space should you give them? How much space should you not give them? On and on.... I actually feel like vomiting...
No one is worth this much mental and emotional energy.... so, anytime I miss my FA/DA/WTF Avoidant ex BF of 9 years, I just binge-watch... Makes me so happy that I am moving on, slowly but surely. I understand now why his ex-wife was barely civil to him.
Love this comment. Just got out of my 2nd rodeo with presumably FA ex. First time I really wanted her back despite the traumatic discarded. This time round i feel totally indifferent. No anger, no anxiety. I can't connect to any good memories of us anymore. Just exhausted and indifferent. But self care is slowly building up my energy reserves. I really don't care what she wants at this point. I realise the entire dynamic is just ducked. Can't get any of my needs met and can't work on healing and maintaining my inner security either while with her.
Word! 😎🤟❤
Spot on. These types are a giant time sink on our lives. Which we have one of said “sand timer”. !
❤❤❤❤❤
Oh shi****t your remark on vomiting made me laugh so hard.
It doesn't work. Even if they do miss you/come back, they will pull away again, & again, & AGAIN, once they see they got you again. They need extensive therapy to help their childhood wounds. Nothing else will work, them coming back ISN'T ABOUT YOU, it's about them feeling lonely. Nothing more. Mine came back numerous times, I finally responded & he lacked total accountability for everything, including his selfish disappearing. Then like clockwork, retreated & ignored me. Now I'm forever done. Good luck to everyone who is or has dealt with these individuals. ❤
watch mindful attraction 2.0 he’ll have the answers
This is helpful. Thanks
That sounds rough. Sorry you went through that. For the best that you moved on. It's like subconscious power play. Better to find a truly fulfilling life or rship.
This is spot on. I went through the same thing with my ex and it was a vicious cycle. Finally said enough is enough and moved on.
It's like "Groundhog Day", re-living the same cycle over and over again ... you know exactly how it's going to go, so you must learn to detach and love yourself by setting limits and boundaries 🤷🏿♀️
Once an avoidant breaks up with you they act like you were never together and cold and resentful. I was with one for over 6 months and it was great. Then boom done. Craziest thing.
They just ghost you one day. It's horrible and heartbreaking.
The first 6 months sounds like the ball mark point at which they decide to leave. I got engaged to an FA and the next day he announced that he is moving to another country. No prior discussions. Apparently he heard a voice telling him to go.
My avoidant ex left after 7 years. Try that one on for size
Ghosted after a year and three months while we were planning our move in together. Extremely painful heartbreaking experience.
You don't want these people back, folks. I know because I've been in love with them. Very few experiences can match the pain of being in love with someone with an avoidant attachment style. If they are gone, be kind to yourself and find someone capable of loving you.
The people that love me all seem to be obsessive people with little self confidence and interlectual similarities neither of which is suitable long term either
@@wheresthecomedyspiritualit7113 that’s why they need to leave the person be and go on with their lives. No one need to beg for love under any circumstances. If someone decides to jump ship , so be it. Bye bye
Yes. I'm an Avoidant. Just leave.
@@wheresthecomedyspiritualit7113 your insecurities is what drew them to you in the first place!
@@wheresthecomedyspiritualit7113 you are too judgmental of others. No one will ever live up to the impossible standard you created in your head, not even yourself. If you don’t already have them, you should get a pet and call it a day.
Learning about Attachment styles makes a lot of sense as to how my previous relationship fell apart, but dating an avoidant is like a full time job with their inconsistent bullshit.
Oh mate.. I litrally laughed so much at your completely acurate comment. Lets just say "I concur" She blew my mind when I met her and blew my mind when she ended it. Hope your ok Chief 🙌
My Avoidant was able to go to" I love you so much", to leaving over nothing and then wanting to be friends a month later as if the relationship of a year on and off never happened. He has been reaching out more as " friends" but still has his avoidant mode going on. It is the hardest thing letting go of these people because they really make you think they love you so much they would never leave you. I think they love as much as they can and then are able to run and detach quick. It is sad for them because yes they have past traumas they do not try and deal with but also horrible for ones who fall in love with them and would do anything for them.
my exact situation , we were friends for years before dating and now he wants to be friends again after leaving me
Experienced the same situation…. It’s sad and feels unnatural to give up… but I am not a therapist… at some point you get tired always the one trying and being the understanding one.. Moving on and focus back to yourself seems to be the best one can do in such situation.
Imagine ten years 😔
The pattern continued and right when I started dating my new boyfriend he professed his love again and said he would wait for me for a year. I cried telling him that this is what he would do when he last broke up with me. I am in a better place even though I still think of him. I would never be able to feel settled and calm with him. It is so nice now not walking on egg shells wondering when someone could just up and leave for minor minor issues. I still have PTSD a bit but my new boyfriend works it through with me and understands why I have this fear of him leaving over nothing.
The worst pain.
this basically made me realize i dont want this person to miss me. thanks.
The thing with avoidant attachment style people is they shove things under the rug and they never want to solve a damn thing. They think that the next day is just brand new and never mention it ever again. Things don’t get solved that way. And then when you say some thing that they don’t like they will either try to ignore you for about three weeks or just end the relationship constantly and ask for everything back even the things that they’ve given you. Its…..it’s painful. They need more alone time than anyone else on this planet and they prefer relationships where you don’t have to bother with the other person so much. It’s sad that anxious and avoidant seem to attract each other because anxious needs to have that comfort
Wow!! So on-point!!
ahhh , the 3 week disappearing act , this is what I'm dealing with right now exactly everything you said
Reminds me of the boyfriend in Fleabag, who always leaves, but leaves the toy dinosaur, indicating that he will be back - until the one time when he doesn't leave it.
Facts!!!
Safe to say, book the therapist the day you start dating an avoidant.
Sounds like narcissism, honestly.
It's as near as makes no difference.
They do share a lot of similarities.
Not all avoidants are narcissits, but all narcissits are avoidants.
I don't want my avoidant ex back. It was her avoidance that caused us to break up in the first place, it's not like she suddenly became secure in the last few months. If I took her back, there is no doubt in my mind we would go down the same road and let me tell you, I never experienced so much pain in a relationship than I did trying to get this person to love and want me. I never want to go through that again. I felt more alone with her than I do now being actually alone.
EDIT: It has now been two years and I have been working on myself ever since, I've made a lot of progress in becoming secure and I don't agree with everything I said in this comment. Especially when I said "trying to get them to love and want me" I have learned since he that you cannot love someone into loving you. While I blamed her avoidance for our breakup I have since accepted the fact that my anxious attachment was just as much to blame. This person and I have maintained a great friendship and intimacy since then.
I totally agree. He bringed me down to hell in exchange of my love. To punish me cause I falled inlove and I demonstrate it. So I had the silent treatment as gift and the stonewalling. He said he can't love someone now and can't be in a relationship. Damn. I wished I found the man of my life and this is what I found sadly.
your Words totally match my experience...What support to hear this put into words thank YOU Dear :)
Amazing.. This is literally how i feel right now..
Right!
I understand that pain completely.
Run from DA’s. Unless they go deep into therapy, I just don’t think change is possible. They will leave you questioning your worth with their emotional ambiguity and disappearing acts when you ask for your needs or question the dynamic -which will surely be unbalanced. I have never had such a confusing experience before. Don’t get stuck in their pattern. Don’t chase, let them go.
They avoid therapy too. That’s the f**** problem. They make you question your sanity but they don’t question themselves
Finally came to this painful realization myself... but it's true. Even if they make you feel amazing at times, remember that they also put you at your lowest. let go of them, they are genuinely the most confusing people when it comes to romance, don't mess with them, you will get hurt.
Worth definitely questioned; knowing I deserve better and was nothing but loving and giving.
The problem with these videos is that it puts the avoidant partner first, instead of deciding what is healthy for you! The only advice people need is this: There are plenty of fish in the sea and lots of potential soul mates out there. If someone is avoidant, drop them and find a secure partner who will treat you amazing. No need to play games! It's not worth a life of misery. Why would you treat yourself that way? Find a secure partner! They exist! You just need to put your needs/wants first. NOT stratagems for bringing a TOXIC person back!
This is good advice. Avoidants, unless they change themselves for you, will always be a heartache for you. FInd someone willing to commit to you and give you a secure relationship.
Yes! What sort of a goal is that anyway?! "How to get toxicity into your life"😅
Don't go on dating apps. They're full of avoidants 😂
Period. The last two guys I met on a dating site were both avoidants.
Exactly! I met and dated one. I'm still healing from that painful breakup.
Why is that? Are they always in a hunting mode?
@@sibosibo765 probably easier and less anxiety to talk to somebody completely new that’s attractive than somebody who you grew feelings for
Damn
I don't want them back. I want them to miss me, beg for me and I give them NOTHING 🤣
That’s the way to do it
Me too
This sounds good 🤣
Word!
Posting on social media like u are better without them will help?
I feel like crying when everyone here watched this video commented they dont want their avoidance ex back. My eyes wide opened that we deserve a way better. If they want they will come for us, we dont need all these strategies. But, these helps us relieve our anxiety. Hugs for those in healing process, you are not alone
It’s a push pull relationship that will drive you up the wall .
🙌
He’s an ex for a reason. 6 months of hot and cold in and out. Sick and tired of it. I stayed quiet for 2 weeks and he came to my door. After a week he went back to his old habits. I’m done.
I cannot explain to you the hell I've experienced in this last month. I've been through break-ups and fallouts before and they hurt but atleast they didn't leave me spiraling and in a completely confusing wreck. My DA "friend" (but it was agreed that we'd move towards building more slowly) ghosted me after 4+ months of consistent communication. No friction, no arguments, nothing. Just VANISHED. I obviously tried to reach out multiple times and left a voice note and tried to call (I did all this before I knew about Attachment Theory). No response. Even my suffering didn't move him to atleast say a parting word or two. I was devastated...did I really care about him more than he ever cared about me? I thought we spent some good time together and everything was going swell. This hit me out of left field and punched me right in the gut multiple times over. I would literally want to vomit when I thought about how easily disposable he seemed to imply I was even though he probably didn't do it out of ill-intent or maliciously. :/ I cannot even deal. I'm not engaging with a DA or FA again. I'm an Anxious Attachment and BLEEDING HEART. I share and trust easily and love passionately and completely. I go out of my way to see every way I can help them in (be it career or lifestyle changes or emotional support or venting or whatever it may be). I change my schedule so I can accommodate theirs and their free time. I pray for them and communicate how much I value them and their presence in my life. I want somebody to care about me and my happiness and feelings and wellbeing as much as I'd care about theirs.
Prayers for you. I'm a guy and our stories are almost exactly the same except for me it was at about 22 months when she intentionally "weaned" me out of her life over a 6 week period. I made all the "weak" mistakes but I could care less now because I'm not sure I want her back. I told her that she used me then discarded me like a used paper towel. My prayers go out to you ❤... I too am a believer. 🙏
I’m sorry he just ditched and went no contact. That’s got to hurt! Reading the end of your paragraph though, as an avoidant it kind of gave me anxiety how you were willing to change your schedule, bent over backwards, so accommodating, loving, kind and supportive… and wanting those things or anywhere near that in return! I can’t speak for all avoidants but I’m way too lazy in my relationships for any of that! I want to be free to do my thing without having to lift much of a pinky finger to make someone else feel loved. My guy and I are both the same, avoidant, and we get along great. We do kind gestures for each other and we’re courteous, but in our own way, in our own timing, as we feel like it, no expectations. Avoidant people are really nervous around anyone who goes overboard to be good to us because we feel then we owe them. In childhood, most avoidants’ mother made them feel obligated and responsible for her emotions by using guilt tactics. I hope you can meet someone wonderful who doesn’t have such a need for distance.
Exactly 💯 the same. We should know better. It's innate 😢you're not alone it's like falling in a trap you hope won't be set this time. But it always is ... 🙏🙏🌺✨️🕊
'Most avoidant's mothers made them feel obligated & responsible'!What tosh! I think we could all find something in our childhood as an excuse. Some of the nicest people have had dreadful childhoods. It's about what's in our hearts and about taking responsibility for our actions. Don't be fooled, people.
This hits home, I am the same way and have gone through this very thing. I'm so sorry. They disappear like you never existed and didn't talk all the time. It's so devastating and painful 😢
Unless you’re a fellow avoidant, don’t try to get an avoidant back. It won’t work because someone will have to stop being themselves in order for the other to be happy.
No truer words were spoken!
Don't. Find someone secure. No reason to settle for breadcrumbs.
So accurate! lol As I'm watching, I'm thinking: this is too much work, f--- this! We (anxious) basically have to carry the relationship on our backs...... exhausting!
Valuable point. I'm hoping my avoidant comes back after no contact 🤷♀️ but I'm not sure if it's worth it. I might want to reconcile as friends but be realistic that a relationship is too hard.
@@sazonada that’s up to you. I’d love to be friends with my ex but I’ll always want more. Best to just work on yourself and not take back a DA unless that partner has worked on themselves.
@@jjc2323 Great advice. We have to be honest with ourselves. I think I've figured out he's a fearful avoidant, so that would make keeping it platonic even more challenging, as he might try to draw me back in.
Yes I would love for my ex to come back IF! She's gotten into therapy and she would have to try more then me in the relationship and I know that's not going happen so it has helped me move on fairly fast!🙌
So true. This is crazy.
as someone who has been dealing with an avoidant, the best advice I can give, is to actually move on from the person. Work on yourself, see other people, and healthily process your emotions. Accept that you can't win over an avoidant easily, and let them go... don't sit around and wait for them, and definitely don't pursue or chase them. That will only get you more hurt, especially in my case, where she started dating other guys she doesn't even really know to fill the void that I made in her life, and to avoid the hurt she caused me. Move on, and if they don't come back, find someone who is willing to stay with you and commit. If they do come back, awesome. But make sure they are willing to work on their insecurities and better themselves and their commitment to you before letting them back into your life, to avoid further hurt.
I can tell you, if the Avoidant is really not in Love with you there is nothing you can do to make them miss you. Be direct and ask. And its really over, then move on.
This is the wildest shit I ever come across! I didn’t know he was avoidant til after I broke up with him but genuinely needed to understand wtf happened and was tired of blaming myself or being the dramatic one cuz I needed communication. Something that shud be so important in a relationship. But holy fuck!!! This has been the most wildest relationship I ever been in and although I’m heartbroken still I know I couldn’t keep going in the cycle. Save yourself from people like these. They will have u looking thinking and reacting crazy when it’s never been in ur nature. I’m sorry but it’s disgusting. And even the little part of me that wants them back after seeing this video eww fuck them. It’s just mental abuse to the ones that just want genuine love and respect.
Like most people, I’ve been in both places. The truth is that time is part of it. Eventually as an an anxious you’ll move on and as an avoidant you’ll get nostalgia and seek your ex. During this time as an anxious you need to work on yourself. Like major level up. You probably already know how to do this but aren’t motivated. Even more reason to get serious about that.
Not sure what the cure for being avoidant is. But I can tell you it hurts way way more.
How would you know that it hurts more to be an avoidant, than to be hurt by one? We can't know another person's level of pain.
A dismissive avoidant needs serious therapy , without that willingness to get help…it won’t happen
If you know a person to be a DA…. Run away
Don’t. Just move on & don’t stop until you find someone secure. The only way I’d let a DA back is after some serious admissions right off the bat from them if they reached out, & a vow that they’ve changed. This won’t happen bc they’ll try and beat around the bush for months after a timid “hey just checking in”. And if they have actually changed and decide to reach out, which they won’t, it’ll have been years.
So they want a relationship but they're unwilling to invest emotionally...
I started as a secure then became more anxious as the avoidant drew away. I'm secure enough to let them go and sort their own bits and bobs out because I cant fix them nor can anyone else. It's fun knowing they will find a self fulfilling way to screw themselves over. Your the best they will have.
"Because if they feel like they're missing you when you are available, you'll get back together and they don't want that" 😂 That's so f*cked up! DA's should just remain single forever for everyone's sake. Too much dam baggage they have.
Agreed. DA husband here, and he doesn't want any help nor make any changes in his life... So i guess it's goodbye then. Can't force things. Till then, we anxious are heartbroken inside 😕
@@ornellaivanavalcarce2592 I can't imagine what it's like for the anxious. I've always had a secure attachment style in relationships. But DA's are just so hot and cold, take long unexplained periods of silence, they ignore you. You never know where you stand coz they seem so disinterested and distant. What is even the point of being in a relationship if you feel like your partner cannot support you. Even I turned anxious. If you didn't know anything about attachment styles you would just think it's rude, disrespectful and psychopathic behaviour on the verge of emotional abuse. I can't imagine what it's like to be married to one. I hope you find a way to cope better by either working with him or working on yourself or end it. For me, the cons seem to outweigh the pros. But I'm now more attentive to the signs and will stay away from them for my own sanity.
I know, totally crazy. I am married to a DA,been 13 yrs. Came to know about attachment styles only a year ago. So you can just imagine how my self esteem must have plummeted because of the personalizing of his behaviour.
Now that I do understand why he behaves the way he does,the resentment has gone and i do have compassion for him. But having said that,i dont want to go through life w/o having my needs met.
Hahahahha just chill ..... its their world.... not yours..... they need to feel free to reach out ..... its messy for the partner but its messy for them too
So with your logic anxious attached people should also be single forever
These people are just the worst let’s face it. I’ve dated several in my life and they were terrible partners. My most recent ex was one too and although he was wonderful in some aspects and not as avoidant as other people I have dated, there was still that defensiveness in communication and some selfishness. He has zero self awareness of his behaviors at times, in his mind he’s this perfect saint he’s not. The lesson: don’t date any of these people period. Find someone secure who’s capable of intimacy and a healthy relationship. These people are terrible communicators and very hostile and isolated. You’re better off alone
Ugh these words. I needed them. I finally broke out of this 3-year cycle I was in.. my love for him was so strong I ignored the red flags until I couldn’t take it any longer.
@@digital.scents I know it’s hard. Trust me you’re better off. I posted this 4 months ago and had some time to self reflect. I’ve made peace with nothing I could have ever done would have changed this period. He takes zero accountability for his behaviors and in his mind is always the victim when called out for them. It’s a vicious cycle. I’m pretty sure till this day he still thinks he did nothing wrong and he’s a victim. It’s seriously a joke. He didn’t see how many messed up things he did and said that were hurtful and blatantly disrespect. He still thinks he’s a saint. It’s laughable. I think it comes down to maturity. It takes a mature MAN to be accountable for himself and his behaviors and own his sh**, not a boy (mine was 36 so age does not matter. He was an absolute man child).
Now I can see that too. I’m anxious and he was avoidant, he broke up with me twice , but the second time he didn’t even give me the chance, he just gave up and blocked me. But he kept me on wapp. I’m doing NC with him, I’m tired of his behaviour, I can feel that he wants me to chase him but I also have my dignity. I’m ready to move on from him and his shitty behaviour. And so immature. 🙄such a turn off for me.
@@dianaisabela7816 yea anyone who blocks you is not worth your time. That’s super immature and toxic. I’ve never had a bf do that to me
@@Eg-jd9zt , I had only one and he was super toxic , he was blocking and unblocking me , then I blocked him for good ! I hate toxic men! They hurt you so bad that you don’t feel like yourself anymore and playing so many mind games.
Truth is that an avoidant will make sure to give you so much attention in starting to take you to your highest point of addiction with him or her and then when you start expecting to continue the same, they will make you feel you are crazy one always smothering them!! You think its 'true love', they see it as 'neediness'; you see as your 'time investment', they see giving time as 'sacrifice', you see dreams for future and they just enjoy pleasure of leaving you crying detaching from you at your highest point of addiction. They are designed to play 'pull and push' game because they are fickle minded and have never got true love from their family so they can hardly appreciate your love!! No matter how many times they come back, they will always play the same game. Get over it!! If you enjoy constant drama and don't have any self esteem, keep giving them benefit of doubt, but they will devalue you more and keep you around at their convenience!! Love to all Avoidants who need healing and love to all who are still stuck with Avoidants! ❤️
Soo true… this is exactly what happened with me … I m anxious nd my ex ws avoidant.. it has been 3 months now we broke up but he hasn’t came back..blocked me from everywhere.. nd here’s me still hoping he will come back one day but now i realise it’s just a waste of my time
Yes just went through this with my fiancé of three years !!! He just up and moved out bc he felt smothered and all these stupid ass things . It’s been devastating we we’re suppose to get married this summer .
Your post hit me like a ton of bricks. Personally, I'm not in a romantic relationship and hate how all these videos are about girl/boyfriends. My avoided is my best friend, and I'm seriously ready to end the friendship.
@@Nepthu I know its hard but this decision is important for your mental health! Wish you well 👍
@@Trip14999 Its important that you recognise this behaviour and what it is doing to you. Don't let this mess your mind more because eventually you will start losing confidence and would form barrier of major trust issue with everyone. Don't hold on to relationship just because you invested so much time but think about the long time you want to invest on the right one. Wish you well 👍
This is fraternity psychology. I just left an avoidant for the last time. I don't want him to miss me now or ever. That's a game I'm not interested in playing. My self worth is more important than pining after someone who treated me like a job, never shared in my excitement over the relationship and sabotaged us passive aggressively by not getting me anything for Christmas. Fuck that! Leave with your dignity, folks. It won't get any better. YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO MISS YOU! You don't want them to come back just to start the cycle over and over again until you are just a shell of yourself, sitting around the breadcrumbs they leave you. Edit: I figured out he wasn't just an avoidant, he was a full fledged Covert Narcissist with sociopathy. I was so duped into thinking he was just quiet and kind, please don't make the same mistake and ignore weird, red flags. Run, run. Run!
Spot on !!!!
This is it! "Weird" red flags! This happened to me and I had no idea what was going on
Same here
I didn’t get a Christmas gift either nor a call on my bday, after 18 months . I’m completely done
@@lp1043 they do it to purposely hurt you. Mine absolutely knew Christmas was important to me and pulled that crap ON PURPOSE!! Sat around my tree with my kids and opened up all the gifts I got him and gave me nothing. He tried to play dumb but when I've seen him buy thoughtful presents for other people, I knew it was just to hurt me. And why in the hell would I want to be with someone like that?! He also made a big deal about forgetting how old I was and when my birthday was. These people are truly evil and miserable. Please don't go back to him. It will never get better. I've been away from mine for over 3 months and it's getting better and better.
I am pretty sure my comment is going to hurt some people, but please don't take it personally nor compare it to your own experience... Each person is unique ! To me, meeting my avoidant partner had been the most difficult experience in my life so far, but also the one that forces me to grow the most. And I'm grateful for that. It doesn't matter much, what he does or doesn't do, at the end of the day... it's more about how I navigate my own life and my own emotional waves... I'm becoming softer and kinder with myself, and it gives me the energy to take care of what needs to be taken care of regarding my own wounds... we don't have power over the other. We can just lead by example. It's all about taking one's power back and choosing what to do with it. I chose not to hate nor resent. I feel empowered instead. That's the person I want to be. It's not the easy path, but to me that's the least resistance path.
Basically an avoidant is a person that is emotionally unavailable. A formula for heartache if you do so much as give this whack job a hug/a kiss and and heaven forbid you should bring up a conversation about a future together then they will ghost you for a few months. People if this is what you are dating...I suggest you run and don't look back unless you too are an avoidant then have fun.
😂😂😂 funny how you talk about the future and them ghosting I asked mine what they see for our future and they went crazy and became abusive right then and there I knew it was over 2 years in already and you can’t talk about our future no thanks I don’t have time to waste
Its brutal. I moved a state over . amd sold my house moved me and my kid to a avoidant and he says he’s emotionally unavailable! Wtf im so hurt
@@staciecook5217 sorry for what happened but move on these people are inhumane and have no empathy I treat people like that like the fcking enemy because that’s what they are someone who loves you doesn’t do that 👋
I would never contact someone that rejected me. Move on !!!!!
My ex dumped me and I got a better one
Lol then why you here?
@@JihadBunnydick
It does take a while for the idea to sinking in. Lol
@@Chris-oz4gl Lol fair play, sailing the same boat mate.
True that. He goes then he can stay away. I think he's not worth the effort
@@JihadBunnydick Just in case I have missed something.
If anyone does the research avoidants and anxious are the bulk of the single people. Why? Secure attached people are in long term relationships at a greater rate and there are less of them. So bottom line: if you don't learn how to navigate with an avoidant you will struggle with all partners. Chances of finding a securely ATTACHED individual is slim. And anxious/ anxious is also hell. Work on yourself to BECOME secure and this is what you need to move on with your ex or anyone else you meet. YOU are the key. Focus on your OWN attachment style. Work on those inner child wounds that cause anxious attachment. This is what I'm working on harder than trying to get my avoidant ex back. In time. He will return. And if he doesn't, I'II be better either way.
Update - I stayed focused on me and me came back the day before Super Bowl. I’ve not allowed him back fully into my life as before but he’s working his way there. The key difference: my attachment to the outcome is lower on the agenda. I stay in the moment with him and watch his words = his actions. Major key 🔑. Im so much stronger since no contact and we still have the strongest connection. I’m just taking my time.
Good advice, I'll take it ! Hit me up if you want a date. Lol
I love this comment so much because that’s where my mindset is now 😁 I still want him back but I’m working on developing a secure attachment so even if he doesn’t come back, I’ll still be fine and hopefully find a secure partner.
Once you understand Avoidants is just another word for Narcissists, everything makes sense.
💯💯💯💯
Not at all true. Completely different traits. As a survivor of real narcissist abuse from a 14 year marriage, I guarantee you are wrong.
+ bpd 🎉
There are similarities, but not the same. Narcissists are a lot more calculated, they tend to plan out on how to manipulate you, groups, etc for either personal gain or for fun. Also, they can get a lot closer (love-bombing). Avoidants don't do physical touch, compliments and sharing things about themselves very well and it's obvious. Also, they do dumb shit. A lot less calculated.
Thank you for saying that! I don’t understand how people don’t see this! Lol
I want him to feel like a human being worthy of love while keeping my own self worth. Not easy..
So true
Exactly - my ex would act or talk like he was disposable. Not true! 😔
This!
Omg that hit hard!
Hey Tellie,
I think this is exactly why we are trying so hard. For other people who commented, they have given up. But it is us who know what they have been through and how much love they were able to display when things were still good between the couples. That made me realize this is a person I love and I REALLY want her to feel like a human being worthy of love too. We will keep on fighting.
Great video. I knew my ex was an avoidant but I never anticipated him leaving me out of the blue when he inadvertently showed me his vulnerable side. He ran for the hills even though I created an open, accepting and nurturing environment for him and gave him plenty of space. It’s the fear of intimacy and losing control that made him flee and reassert his control over the situation. He wars many masks and when the mask finally dropped, he thought he couldn’t recover his perfect man image and ran. He has a lot of inner shadow work to do, and he needs to stop suppressing his past traumas and start processing them in a healthy way. I had been doing this work for years now and I though he had too, so I miscalculated there. It will be years before he comes back in my opinion because there is a lot of work that needs to be done to overcome his fears. I miss him very much and I feel like it was a right person wrong time type situation. It pains me to see him go. I hope he can prioritize his self development and free himself from the ghosts of the past.
Could be a narcissist so be thankful, take my word for it!!!!
Update?
I'm dealing with the exact same situation.
Same story here. He dumped me: "sooner or later my behavior is going to drive you insane. I like you a lot". And he dissapeared, 6 weeks now.
Right person at the wrong time is the wrong person.
I am finally happy that my DA ex dumped me, it hurts but now I have a beautiful gf and she’s emotionally available. Stay away from DA.
@JT
Dismissal Avoidance
This is so cruel, hurtful, it’s not our fault to be the way we are. I know I am a dismissive avoidant but that is so much more complicated to solve, when you really love a person and don’t want him to leave but you know you caused it, but there’s simply not a precise solution to fix ourselves, we suffer too.
People fail to realize we don’t choose to be avoidant. It’s always used against us when most of us have just dealt with trauma
@@MB-xv7er what about the trauma they left on people!!! It’s just despicable
I've been a DA too..had childhood traumas and traumas throughout my adulthood..been working on it and I feel in a much better place..now I know I can commit to a partner, make him feel loved and I know I won't make him feel lonely. I'd say only date a DA when he/she is willing to work on themselves!
Unless they say they’ve done work on themselves when they attempt to come back, don’t bother. You’ll just go through the same cycle as before-they want you on their terms then leave when it gets real again.
this isnt love guys. get them back and then what? never show your feelings? always let them run the relationship? or else they’ll leave you again? you deserve better.
Who in the right mind would like to be with the person like this????????
Only if youre truly moved on is when they miss you after someone rejected them? So you get back together but you're only second choice after all the work you did to move on... you're rewarded by being an option lol
That sound like freaking emotional abuse lol
It is and we need to warn others once we become aware
It is.
It is. That part & the silent treatments,stonewalling,the walk on eggshells to not trigger them. The dissappear pop back up ignore important topics. It's emotional abuse in every way.
It is.
Not worth another minute of my life. I let my ex DA go and I'm not looking back. Too much much time has been invested and they are not doing the work they need to do. So goodbye, farewell!
How are you doing.
I got my ex back.
Whxapp the helper of me.
+ 4 4 7 4 1 8 3 2 9 7 8 5
.
😁Yes Thank You Mario . I am getting so much from reading these posts. Phew Phew Phew. God you know ..the others like us know...what its been like....so fortunate to Be HERE NOW with all of you. Future is Intensely Bright
Don’t bother. Just let it go. Praise God and move on. You complain about games and then proceed to play one yourself? Oh no. Please. C’mon. What are you doing? Here is a better plan: Praise God and move on, knowing that God has freed you from an unhappy fate.
Avoidents always play games ,and are selfish
Point 4 is ridiculous. Letting someone go f*ck around with other people should never be the answer.
Self fulling prophecy or not, if someone likes me but goes out with other people then no, they are not worth my affection or frankly my time.
The video is awesome but the comments are gold. Thanks folks for making me realize that i have to run as far away as possible to my avoidant ex whos trying to contact me again. He is such a broken soul coming from being an adopted child and growing up in a country where he look different from everyone else. His mom who adopted him was no good either. She forced him to use his right hand when he's naturally a leftie. Just one example of how effed up his childhood was. My break up w him shook me to the core and i cant understand why. Now i know why. Bcos he triggered my insecure attachment. I have a new man who seem to be secure but when my ex contacts me, i thought i still love him. Your comments just opened my eyes wide.
This absolutely confirms my own thoughts and observations. It's a very draining and frustrating dynamic.
It really can be!
I agreed.
So ridiculous what we put up with. I have no problem moving on from relationships. However, for some reason with this guy in order for me to move on fully, I needed to give us a second chance. The difference this time around is I'm not putting up with any dysfunction. We've only been together a week and he already has gone Mia today after a great date yesterday. So it's frickin over. Sayonara fool. I'm livid. But glad to finally be able to close this chapter. Lessons learned. These people need some serious healing and I pray he gets it.
Yeah... I'm just not gonna deal with an Avoidant. That's gonna drain the life outta me. I think I've dealt with one and the break up is still fresh & tbh, I don't care if he misses me or not anymore. It's his loss for taking my love for granted. 🙄
Absolutely agree
You are so strong. That inspires me to be strong too :')
I'm in contact again after a year. A few amazing dates - everything could work out for marriage. But I signaled him he can have me and he's gone again!🙄 There's no hope for them unless they went to therapy!!!!!! Those men are great, but B R O K E N !!!!!
Good for you. Stay secure
TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They always will acting like that!
I just want to say that this is 100% spot on. I diagnosed him and explained it to him and he said it was 100% him. I told him how we can fix this and then he retreated… he said he needed space to think and I feel like I smothered him with information so it was hard for him to process… I told him when he’s ready to talk I’ll hear him. But I am focusing on myself and okay with him not returning :). I know that if this relationship means enough for him he will fix things about it to get there. He made so much improvement and I acknowledged it , unfortunately it can be overwhelming
I realized I got an anxious style while I was with him. When he told me he needed space I realized my anxiety minimized… I am secure and it’s only been a week… every guy I’ve dated has been like this. I have grown out of my anxiety and they always seem to come back when they see I’m happy living my life like nothing happened for some reason
Has it improved since your comment or did it go back to the same thing?
Avoid confrontation. Avoid drama. Confused feelings. Dose this person go through all of this?
This is a pretty good video and puts some things in perspective but...unless your avoidant is ready to see their avoidant attachment and willing to put the substantial time and energy required into working on it, forget about it! Because like all insecure attachment styles, the avoidant is generally unaware that their behavior is unhealthy to forming a good relationship. So when they begin to feel pressure, they will instinctively withdraw and find reasons about you to support and explain the pressure they feel. Remember it's not the avoidant's fault, nor the anxious attachers fault, it's a deep seated condition from early childhood. All insecure attachments can be wonderful people, but the only way, in my opinion, is to have both partners learn about their attachment styles and BE WILLING to question their reactions and work together to become more secure. Avoidant's get a bad rap, but if you find yourself attracted to them, then dig deep in yourself, take responsibility for your own attraction, educate yourself and make new choices.
Thank you for this .,
Beautiful comment
You don’t “make” an avoidant miss you. You accept and respect them as they are. You made a choice to be with them, you should be secure enough to honour that. In time they will grow and become more secure themselves. But don’t date an avoidant with the aim of changing them. You just have to love them and yourself honestly. Basically the same as dating anyone. Avoidants require a partner that has a big enough cup for the relationship. Don’t kid yourself, it’s as hard for them too. Empathy, reciprocity and trust are the keys to all relationships. The door swings both ways.
😂😂😂 Yes lets be nice. And let them be toxic so they can behave like maniacs and never have to change. Grow up.
We all have traumas.😂😂
I didn't know about attachments so I gave too much love, he freaked out and dumped me after 2 months. I will try this approach if he ever comes back.
@@Alieortwo I can't blame them they have traumas.
So true
@@ivylin8103 me too but i am not an asshole and lie to people to lure them in and than abuse them.
Nutshell: no contact and go love yourself.
Side note...stop the karmic cycle with these people, learn your lesson that you deserve more, stop believing they will change, they won't.
After you have worked on yourself and you're secure in yourself, why would you even want this sorry excuse of a human back?! That's hardly a goal
Exhausting, mind games are not necessary, taking all your energy for little things they create in their head, Told him go 3 months ago, can’t take the chaos, not playing games, so let them go off have another relationship, come and go when they want, life doesn’t work that way if your married, They mistrust the one they need to trust, and they are the ones who can’t be trusted.
Spoken by a woman who has no idea how its line being a man in today's world. Maybe take a look at why avoidants are caused and you'll realize it's women mainly doing damage to men. Lol
I didn’t realize what my ex style was until recently (DA). I hope he moves on - because then I know he may miss me. If not - then whatevs. I want him to be happy. And I want me to be happy. He wanted to stay friends and I said no. I know he is dating. I’m kinda over this. I feel better. I think if you want a DA back - ask yourself why. These people are not good for long term relationships or marriage UNLESS they realize how they are and work on themselves by self help and psychological counseling.
You're absolutely right. I was in the same situation as you. She wanted to keep calling to check in with "how are you" questions, but she had no interest in dates. I told her I'm not interested in being friends, and to only call me when she is interested in romance. She actually got upset, and said its over, even though she already said that when she left the relationship. I don't know if she is dating, but I doubt it. If she is though, that would help me get over her so much faster.
What a great video!!! I will add that once you are back with your avoidant partner they continue to want their space maybe even more than before the breakup!!! That’s where I am now. He is moving even slower in expressing himself and showing commitment and communicating his thoughts. It is a major trial of my patience and I am an anxious attachment type! Hard to know if all the struggles are even worth it with me feeling even more distant from him 6 months into us getting back together. It almost feels like we are broken up!
Ugh I'm sorry 😔
Preach. This. Encountered something similar, gah!
Going through this now
Hope y'all are in a better place. Went through the same. Definitely not worth your energy and love. The only thing you loose is yourself..for what?!
@@hkhan7041 unfortunately no we aren’t. We rarely talk. He ended up telling me he is too stressed for a relationship right now taking care of his elderly father and uncle. He said he wanted me to wait for him to get out of his current situation. I am not sure the relationship is worth waiting for. It’s just so hard we had been best friends 18 years and I have loved him for most of that time. It’s so hard to let go!
giving them the right to break up with you and date around and come back to you as they wish? what a privilege...whilst partner left confused, crying heart out wondering why one disappeared only to be contacted later on as if everything's fine...
and the cycle repeats itself 😢
My ex avoidant was a great person in our short relationship, he was kind, gentle, empathic, organized nice dates and made small gifts. The only thing that bothered me is his small comments on the future where he is alone without me like thinking to go to another country alone or so. We broke up because he was not ready to commit. He is even in therapy. I can’t believe that he will suddenly wish to commit and cancel his lonely plans because of no contact period. Well, I agreed to stay friends in platonic way, but no matter if he will miss me or not he does not deserve my love… maybe after some time if he will start to allow himself to depend on another person and to express his real feelings, but I believe it will take months or years , it is easier to move on than to wait for him.
@ichaelis is it a fresh or old story?
@ichaelis sounds very similar to my ex-bf in the part of running from things when they get emotionally deep. He keeps himself busy with hobbies and friends but everything is not deep. He understands that but he doesn’t even seem to fix that, he even recommended me to do same to escape my dark thoughts. I tend to think that he is fearful avoidant. But I managed to stay with him only a bit longer than two months, I forced tough conversation immediately after I have noticed sabotaging attitude (acting cold), and he said that he doesn’t want a committed relationship in nearest future, and i suggested to broke up so we did. My psychologist says that if I would stay with him I would notice that he gets distant and close in cycles but I think I am not able to manage his ambivalence, I won’t be able to handle this behavior.
In your case you stayed quite long, did you already see enough, did you already notice his hot and cold behavior? He will continue it. You thought that he got warm, he probably noticed that you try to move forward and he got cold. It will never end…
You might also know how your relationship started and how much initiative he took. They are extremely afraid of being rejected so they are very careful in reconnecting but they are also get scared when things get deeper than they expected. From what I understood about them he will start miss you only when he will think that you moved on. Because he will consider it is safe, if he thinks you push him even a bit he will get distant immediately. That’s a complicated thing, I feel sorry that you want him back.
Newsflash if you are still anxious and your partner is avoidant - Leave! It will only be a painful & dysfunctiona experience... this is terrible advice and toxic it is game playing and not how healthy relationships work! Never try too change a persons mind, character or feelings manipulatively, it is fake and desperate x
I'd normally not go back. However this one I will work with. Especially knowing her past. She had it bad
In the name of all that does not suck, why in hell would you want an avoidant to miss you or want them back in the first place? If you actually want this, you have replaced self-respect with a strange fetish for emotional abuse.
This is what I needed to hear ima write this down and put it on my mirror in my room to remind me when he call me that this ain’t it
@@babytwan21 Stay strong, you can do it! And you MUST do it. You don't owe this person anything other than silence.
You called it. Turns out becoming secure meant I didn't want them back
6:30 - getting to the point
This makes me want to avoid avoidants for good because it sounds like problems are rarely addressed and solved.
I feel like avoidants probably do well with people who love more in the head space rather than the heart
So, the avoidant is the traditional player. Lol. These are the people that make dating hell for the rest of us!
I was once an avoidant, until I actually came across one. Now, I know what the chaos and hell it brings trying to be with someone so closed off. However, in their own mind the games they play they feel they are the ones in the right. And it never hurts them to leave the world of another person scorched earth and unlivable behind them because its not their problem anymore when they leave you without answers. They actually enjoy the game of you chasing knowing they are wanted, while shutting down everything that you want.
@@caseygriffin9970 yikes!!! Lol Once again, its the original player. Anyone who takes joy out of torturing another like that are assholes. 🤷♀️ sry! I'm really trying to emphasize but its taking me directly back to every heart break. Maybe I'm just weak in the knees but I'm seeing DA's as soulless now.
@@strwb8361 Its more of a knowledge gap for some, while others just have very deep seeded problems. For me, it was because I was just a very bad communicator. And the second I felt a threat of them leaving, I just sabotaged the whole thing just to feel I had control of the situation and I left on my own terms. Its actually very childish behavior, and its a red flag that my ex girlfriends picked up on, they just never knew exactly how to finger point the problem. They just knew something was off. But you are right, DA's are almost soulless since they think everything is about them. And the harder you try to be with one, they will think that you are weak. Its exhausting, it will consume you of all your energy, and not worth your time. I now have the attitude if I ever come across one again, is "alright, you want to play stupid games, then you can you win your stupid prizes". But I think you will be fine, you will meet someone worthwhile. But dont ever do dating apps. Almost every single person on those things is someone you want avoid.
You can't and you should not carry someone else's burden. It is not meant for you. If you do although knowing better it will crush you!
I finally reached Nirvana. He reached out and we're meeting up on Saturday and I'm fine with however it goes. Finally letting go is a great feeling. Thank you. It took a long time but I feel free from that anxiety now. 😊
Dying to know how it turned out. How long was long? In my case it was 11 months, but for three months all I was receiving were blah, blah type texted messages about every 2 to 3 weeks and he was not asking to see me and he never texted back after my reply. I reached Nirvana as well. He texted, after reflecting and taking my feelings into account, it took a day to open it , read it, more blah, blah type texting, then trashed it. That was a month ago and I haven't heard from him since. I'm sorry that he's a DA, but his 2 to 3 weeks text messages were keeping the hope alive in me that we would get back together. If I killed my chances of getting him back, then so be it. I've played it over and over and over in my mind and came to the same conclusion, my love can fix this man.
Yes, just curious how long it took to meet up with him since your breakup?
@@jd6331 it was a year. A long painful year. I've learned so much about both of us. The evening went very well. My expectations were zero. I feel good about just letting go.
@@dodie5466 💕. Wow. For me it's only been 5 weeks +/- so far (5/8 breakup), haven't spoken to him now in almost three weeks (5/26).... and I ignored his last text (6/2), because I'm doing no contact for my own sanity, which i told him the last time we texted. Every time I received a text from him over the two and a half weeks following the breakup asking how I am, etc., I would get an immediate sense of calm and comfort followed by me overanalyzing every single thing he said and wondering what it means and if he was wanting to get back together; I was allowing myself to constantly feel false hope, but it just kept breaking my heart over and over. I'm so sad to learn about "attachment styles" and that he's probably a dismissive avoidant where I'm anxious, but I'm trying to be more secure now..... Not sure how long I will wait at this point, I'm almost 35 and looking to settle down in the next few years, and I want children. Over the two years we were together, he and I talked about children all the time, as well as marriage and moving in together in the near future, but now that's all gone..... I'm just heartbroken.
I'm glad things are working out for you, and I wish you the best. Stay strong. Be well and good luck~
@@jd6331 thank you. And to you too. Never devalue yourself in this process. I forgot myself and will never do that again ❤ Be strong and remember your worth.
i mean sitting around and waiting for someone to realize "youre the best thing thats ever gonna happen for them" seems like bad advice and even if it is true that means you could probably get better.
Nope. Don’t want my avoidant ex back. Don’t want to play games and have a relationship on his terms.
Find a healthy relationship and be at peace.
A DA will immediately move onto someone casually usually.. looking for their “intimacy fix”but they will fail to have the intimacy they need and miss BUT ironically run from..
I feel sorry 4 them BUT I would NEVER want this again--they run and stonewall while in the meantime you have to deal on your own--an avoidance will NEVER make you feel save-for me not different than an covert narcisst
It makes me angry that we give them more than they diserve,if a man does this i will leave thanks.
this is exactly the thing that when the dumpee moves on, the dumper returns.......ever wondered why?
it takes time for the avoidant to start missing you, they always do...but within this time, you managed to heal and genuinely have moved on... while the avoidant ex, had to feel "safe" first to mourn the breakup and then start missing you and all this takes a lot of time...
So once you say to yourself, "ok i moved on, i don't care if my ex returns" - that's when you should expect the ex to return.....
@Mohammed Baba hey. you are reported... not interested in you scam idiot
Yeah they discarded me - I’m going through therapy to get over it. They discarded me three weeks ago and ghosted me. I won’t be contacting them again. I sent my last message that was heartfelt and they did nothing. Trying to move on.
They basically don't want a relationship
Yes, you're right. It's really that simple everyone. No need to drive
yourself mad thinking about it.
I've had 3 different people tell me that she is an avoidant. She realized that I was interested in her as more than a friend.
I try to reach a point where I don't care about my disrespectful Exe's enough to not care whether they miss me or not...
Make them miss you by going and finding someone secure and ready to lean in. Life is 1000x easier when your partner isn't a self-sabotaging head case.
LOL at trying to find some "secure" in this day and age 😅😅
I feel sad as just ended with someone I really cared about, my heart is low today.
This is mad toxic advice. The type of person he's describing is unhealthy and is not ready for a relationship; They're actually emotionally abusive... DO NOT waste your life "doing nothing" waiting for an "avoidant",
Omg, well said! Thank God there are some sane people out there!
This video makes me want to take a test before getting in a committed relationship and ensure he ISN’T an avoidant. This is way too draining and makes me tired. I no longer want my ex and this will be the last ex video I will watch….time to fully move on since avoidants have too many issues and this seems like a game, one that I don’t wish to play.
Today is exactly one month since my avoidant ex left me out of the blue. She finally opened up and told me she loved me and how she only thinks of me when she’s with other people. Five days after that is when she ended it. Immediately started talking to someone else but said “I’m not going to date him.” Idk this sucks bad. The wound still feels fresh after one month. I know I shouldn’t, but every day I hope so much to just get a call or text from her. Stay strong young kings and queens.
Advoidant needs Space and Time often it seems I am aware of. Advoidant is afraid of being too close because of getting rejected or getting a heart broken.
So what you're saying is in my long distance relationship with my avoidantly attached boyfriend, I need to stop talking to him and make no effort in maintaining said long distance relationship, if I want him to give, what feels like to me, the bare minimum. But, is in actual fact, grand gestures of longing and appreciation. Cool. Thanks.
Back a year later to say, we’re still together and he is making small steps towards vulnerability and intimacy. We did a year back together and are back doing long distance while I go back to school to change careers (we’re from different country tries). Suffice to say, my attachment style is moving more towards secure from anxious.. and his is moving towards secure (SLOWLY) from dismissive avoidant.
It would be nice if avoidants ever worked on themselves and realized their own toxic avoidant patterning
If she or he isn't giving you "intimacy", they are getting it from someone else
So my summation of this type of person missing me is sure he will miss me just like any other ex will miss their ex but just because he misses me doesn’t mean he will miss me so much that he wants the relationship again. It sounds like they want to date someone that they won’t get emotionally attached to throughout their dating life. When they leave it’s like they are telling you “I wish you well.”
I don’t feel bad for anyone in this position. I truly pray for them! Must be a really sad place to be! 😊
I feel so weird about this, in love with an avoidant since 6 years but revealed to be an avoidant too myself with the new one, fear of being controlled and disrespected and all the mechanism to avoid this big feeling to happen, this feeling of being used, betrayed, failed, is a lot of anger inside that we don’t see in avoidance. Also been in a couple during years with an avoidant. This is HELL. I think we should open up so much more to life and new people and stop waiting on the others to always make the first steps.
I just lost my avoidant ex for good bc I finally said everything I’ve been holding back in order to not make her leave again, knowing all the while she would leave anyway. I miss her so badly. She blew my entire life up. It sucks.