The Unseen Stages Your Ex Endures During No Contact
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- Опубліковано 15 жов 2024
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Today we're going to be taking a look at the unseen stages your ex endures during a no contact rule.
Here's the twist.
I want to take a look at two different types of "stages." Those that an ex with a dismissive avoidant attachment style will go through and those with a fearful avoidant style will go through.
Im 100% a fearful avoidant, but I got dumped. I think its not really fear of losing independence but fear of getting abandoned if we get too close. When we realise they are gone we dont even want any independence, we just get self destructive becuase we miss them and blame ourselves. 100% childhood trauma.
Well, that's the thing about fearful avoidants. They tend to have both core wounds. What you said about the childhood bit is on the nose. I interviewed a therapist last week about just this. Going to be releasing a video on it soon :) .
Is a fearful avoidant the same as disorganized attachment?
I had an ex that had some extremes
Tough to communicate most days. On certain days and this could take months, explosion of emotions let out. This would catch me off guard. Drinking probably used as a coping mechanism. I can go on and on
Some people may be severe or just a little fearful
But my exes extremes. Sometimes I'd be left thinking damn, I'm almost convinced it's all my fault
@@grazman44 Yes it is. For best content on FA - look up Thais Gibson. She's very accurate about this particular attachment. Also look up Heidi Priebe.
@chrisseitercoaching my ex had major childhood trauma. Abandoned and abused in many ways.
12 years oldand the breakup was hard for many reasons. The pain led me to good coaches, and I've learned how to cope with issues healthier, communicate better etc etc
She moved on emotionally immediately. Smh, 1 hr after I left, she called me to tell me how her now husband was grotesque. I immediately said, "Listen, please don't contact me to talk about his downfalls or your issues." She didn't want to be with me, so why are you venting to me. Anyways, 2 yrs after that phone call, she married this man.
Due to financial ties, we or should I say I had to chase her for financial reasons due to her being on my credit. She never missed any payment when we were together. Once I left, it was almost monthly
No contact works for me. It allows me to heal and have peace in my life 💯
Ikr❤
whenever you miss them you should’nt avoid those feelings within youreself , you should actually fully feel them accept the fact that they are gone and move on with youre life
Why even bother of thinking what your ex goes through? It just lets them live in your head rent free, when you need the time to selfreflect and take time for self care.
💯
well said!!!
Absolutely
I guess most people do this because they are in a "is it me or them?" Mindset.
Exactly I took the time to focus on myself at 25 years old and I've been single for over 10 years since then.
In my opinion, dismissive and fearful types are just completely undateable as is. They need to change but no one should sacrifice themselves trying to help them do so.
I was in a very long term relationship as an FA. We are not all basket cases, just guarded and sensitive. I do value communication and hope that if my partner wants my empathy with their shortcomings, you’ll understand I have my own.
@@4Distractiononly thank you for sharing your experience
Exactly!!
Yes, too many ppl believe they can be half of a relationship. No. You need to be whole going into a relationship. Curious what the comment about "shortcomings" means. Usually it's saying this is how I am deal with it. In which case, fuxk that. And circle back to your well stated original comment posted. 👏 ❤
100%
FA here, core wound is mostly about vulnerability . Being abandoned yes, losing oneself, yes but it’s the assumption that feelings for someone will hurt you or bring pain. The connection itself is dangerous.
The total paradox is they have this ideal partner in their minds. A person who possesses all these great qualities. Their expectations are unrealistic but they eventually discard good people because they themselves don’t feel good enough !! Do they not realise the insanity of that ??
ah yes... the irony!! (The childhood trauma is strong in DA/FA) Theyre so avoidant that they will never self reflect, be accountable on their part, and take steps to heal. The healing is a long journey for the avoidant, so theyll never try....
No. Imperfections in partners are amplified unrealistically and cause disgust and unattraction. All subconsciously. It's Relationship anxiety.
The perfectionist partner thing really got me.. deeply flawed individuals but criticise all the small things
Really, guys?? Forget about these avoidant, nervous, anxious, semi dismissive avoidant unsecure shit. You need someone who truly loves you without BS, someone who is secure about you. In breakups hope is the FIRST thing you need to lose, trust me, I lost 5 years of my life waiting for her to come back because I thought her "anxious avoidant" crap will fade away with time and she will come back.
Work on be the person you would like to have with you, you need to be a complete human being who enjoy your own company. If you put your life on hold watching all these videos trying to analize your ex "attachement style" will put so much anxiety on yourself and fueling the "hope"
Live in present! If you cannot move on after some time, ask for professional help. Trust me
Right all of a sudden they have all these ridiculous labels and people are falling left and right for it .SOME PEOPLE JUST TREAT FOLKS LIKE TRASH AND THAT IS IT!!!!
I’ve lost 3 years. Thanks for the wake up call
I’ve lost nearly seven…..
💯
Almost three here as well..
I wonder what is the purpose of these videos. To help people who have a dismissive partner get them back? Because even if you DO get them back after no contact, it just starts the cycle over again and doesnt seem like the relationship would be sustainable at all. Fix your own attachment styles to become a secure attachment so you can experience real, healthy love.
I think it’s more about understanding that people like that exist. It’s educational and allows people to start their own journey to healing, growing and overcoming heartache/heartbreak. Not necessarily to get an ex who are those types of attachments.
@@Yourattorneysarahthis is how I heal since my therapist and myself can’t even figure out what happened! Everything was going well and then bam, I got dumped. Guess it wasn’t going well for him.
DA-
1. Separation elation, relief, pressure to connect is gone - 6-8 weeks
2. Feelings and thoughts start to bubble to surface
Stage 1 and 2 and 3 go back and forth
3. Re-suppression
4. Decides to move on. Avoidant side eventually wins out. Self fulfilling cycle. Jump from one relationship to the next, deactivation strategy. Seeks out a similar person as their ex.
5. Nostalgia. Longs for their ex. Fear of engulfment transforms to fear of abandonment
Feels SAFE only when being left alone, and realizes the dating landscape isn’t as good as you.
Fearful Avoidants
1. Complete shut down and deactivate more at first. Drink alcohol, go on lots of dates w/ lots of people. Has trauma aspect, inconsistencies. Neglect from partner. Burden becomes unbearable. Distance to protect themselves.
2. Feelings beginning to bubble to surface. Anxious swing to avoidant and back and forth. Convince self they have no feelings left. Recovers quick. When given space, move from emotional reaction to logic.
3. Pendulum swings full force. Anxious core wound- abandonment. And fear of losing independence and avoidance. Swings back and forth.
4. Attempt to move on. Suppression or rejection. If no contact, they’re tired of the anxious side. Have deep sense of empathy. Have guilt and internalizes it. Afraid they’re not good enough which is reinforced by people they date. Negative self talk. Unbearable. Their attempt to receive validation can backfire.
5. Start to stabilize. Can enter a phantom ex stage. Can remember what they miss, how good it felt in good times. Nostalgia loop. Prefer to have the ideals in their head. Usually seek out someone similar to you, don’t learn from old patterns. In and out of relationships a lot. Compare everyone to the ex. Distorted view of relationships. End relationships because of an unrealistic standard in their heads. Shouldn’t have to put in effort.
Well said
...yeah so narcissistic as all hell without necessarily being narcissists.
Avoid the avoidants at all costs I say.
By the point they have been with someone else, you should stand your ground and say no, I don't want you to go away! Never take an ex back after they have been with someone else!
Edit: I truly loved this woman like I'd never loved before it was strange. I notlw think it's because of a truma bond.
She made her bed and don't want me ok someone better will, I only wished she didn't tell everyone on Are we dsting the same guy I was this horrible man when I did everything for her! She once said if I can't have you, no one will! Dating is impossible now!
If a woman has been with someone else there's no coming back.
@@thickseedwhat about a man??
@@JustMeAndMyBoy That's not an issue. Men impart, women receive. The man imprints, the woman is imprinted.
@@thickseed or a man in my case. I've been single for almost 3 years and he moved on after a short while. I'm not taking him back
@@JustMeAndMyBoy either sex it don't matter if they left you and went with someone else do not go back
I'm very sympathetic toward the avoidants' fears and concerns in relationships; however, I also have a right to expect my needs to be met - some, at least, if not all. If the environment of the relationship is so toxic that I can't even express what I need or want within reason, then it's not a relationship I want to stay in. It's okay to understand your partner and to sympathize/empathize with their plight, but you are equally important and there is no shame in leaving if your mental health is being harmed. It doesn't make you a bad person to put yourself first sometimes. Try to work it out, of course, but it's vital that you know when you walk away to save yourself.
Thank you for saying this. Gives me reassurance in my decision for an indefinite amount of space.
@@genesismcclay1992 lol
I needed to hear that, thanks
This is exactly why I walked away 3 weeks ago!!! I’m no contact and struggling. Thanks for sharing x
As a fearful avoidant myself, I totally agree with you. Nobody is owed a relationship.
My ex dropped me suddenly like a bad habit. Now her whole family thinks she's stupid for throwing away a good man and opportunity to come to America. Now she's feeling stupid because even her grandmother told her she made a mistake.
Moral of the story: you can not escape true love, or your own feelings deep down inside. It’s best to be secure open to receive and give love graciously to stop the pattern of loneliness and relationship death wheels we are all seeking consciously or unconsciously to get off of.
Basically, stay the hell away from fearful avoidants!! They will turn your life into living hell, blame you for it, and then run away without giving you the chance to even realize what happened. I'm been recovering from a very damaging relationship with one of these. Worst thing that could happen to me, to meet this idiot while I was myself recovering from an accident.
You take your ball and go home, not let them play with it.
Chris, you are the most educated coach ever. Thank you
If you are an anxious individual who is heading there attachment wounds it’s probably best to avoid dating DA’s/ FA’s who aren’t doing the internal work.
“ Expecting perfection in a relationship without any hardship or emotional vulnerability.”
When a relationship does have these problems they simply end relationships. Trying to compare relationship to relationship to only positive ideals. This is unrealistic. Cognitive distortion
I just got dumped by one of these after only a one month relationship due to bringing up the topic of work. While she would talk about her work plenty, when I brought it up it was "too intense on her vibration" and made her uncomfortable. I checked out when I realized I couldn't just be a human being with her and she was expecting an ideal. I was willing to work through that, she obviously was not and just ended it. I told her I was grateful for the brief connection and wished her the best. I'm realizing especially with this video that I lost nothing worthwhile. I deserve entirely better and someone who is as emotionally available as I am and willing to navigate both positive and negative emotions with my partner. The hard part is it seems that is so rare, but I know it does exist. I'm not going to give up but this all definitely reinforced what I'm looking for and that I need to be able to be myself first and foremost in a relationship with someone. My attachment style is more anxious but has become a lot more secure, but I've got work to do and I think that will help. I appreciate the content, this is really eye opening stuff and really resonates as true.
I'm going through something similar every time I would bring up a relationship concern I was called negative or that I was looking for somthing wrong. Nope I just have feelings that aren't 100% high vibe or uplifting. We're just humans, they want a fantasy relationship.
Let's keep our heads up kings and queens!
One of these😂
Breadcrumbing, ghosting, no contact... all these things are power-plays for the low EQ, naive, players. Unless these things are done toward an abusive person to get away from that abusive person, then its abusive on your part to perpetrate. In other words, if you are receiving this treatment and you didn’t do anything horrible to deserve it - then you are being manipulated and abused. If you DID do something horrible or illegal (stalking someone, kick their dog, hit them, betray their trust, etc...etc...) then you deserve their treatment.
All this attachment theory is fine, but whatever they are isn't your problem. Even if you watch every youtube video, read every book, or even earn a PhD in psychology, you'll still never 100% figure it out or be able to change another human being - so don't bother. Let them go.
As I wrote above - in essense, the behaviors they are showing you are maladaptive and you'll never have a successful relationship with someone like that anyway. Move on and if you want to live by attachment theory, then go find a person with a secure attachment style. If you also have a secure attachment style, then that is what you need. If you are attracted to these other maladaptive types, then you need to look in the mirror and work on your own issues...not their's.
I guess the reason these vodeos exist is because of the hyperfixation of the anxious on getting their ex back. It is unfortunately part of the axious maladaptive reactions. Understanding the pattern might help some let go.
And I agree that in essence, it is better to have videos targeted at the different groups so that they can help themselves. As you said, nobody can change another person.
I am Fearfull avoidant you got it to a tea !!!! Actually the best description online ! 👏👏👏
I dont know if a gree with this when someone leaves you and breaks off they feel relieved that they are free of you and are expecting the other person to beg or explain or say lets try and work it out but they dont give a shit and the more you call or have contact the more they will make you feel worse just say ok take care and never call them again
Based on this video, I can definitely see who the problematic individual was in the relationship.
Wow. So no matter what you do, no contact, contact, etc, they both aren't coming back ever!?
Sounds like it for sure. I guess I’ll just move on 😢
Ya know... For all this video's production value and it's target audience, it really does leave out the part where people come back. I'm not sure about this video
In my experience, exes come back sometimes, but you do have to give them space.
Yeah but I guess it's better to just realize the most plausible truth now right? You said in your experience, exes sometimes come back. I would say honestly in my experience, no one thats dumped me ever did come back.@@jonathanb6911
Oh they can come back. Mine did. But, it didn’t last. Same cycle happened again.
I just learned I'm a fearful-avoidant. I was recently dumped because I ended up pushing my loving partner away. He got into a rebound relationship 3 weeks after he dumped me. This video describes me to a T, it is scary to hear these things. But so much makes sense now and I can work on healing myself and becoming healthy.
I broke it off with my DA. He was getting triggered and reactive, I started to shut down myself, a little threatened by his prickly behaviour. I've just lost my son, and he walked out four days after another disagreement at a time when I needed him the most, 'who does that ' 😔 he reached out to me after 10 days no contact, im very aware he struggles with his feelings,I understand and we work through it, but this time im not sure how to forgive him at a time like this, he fleed and abandoned me when my son just died. There doesn't seem to be any hope that he is capable of a healthy attachment after this. Im already completely Gobsmacked. How does one navigate through that. He's a sweet man, but jeeeesus, that's gone too far.💔
No "sweet man" would do that to you. I hope you stayed far away from him after that.
@JS-dv9ji Thank you ,🥰indeed. Yes, I'm generally securely attached and emotionally intelligent, and so zero tollarance from me,feelings of the heart are often convoluted and complex. I guess the love that hurts is always different to love that heals, albeit the same 🥰neeeext life goes on death of any kind, teaches you that ❤️may your day surprise and delight you all day and every day 💝
Good for you!! And thank you for your beautiful comment, so much kindness and wisdom. Take care ❤
That’s awful! I’m so sorry! 💔
My ex DA also seemed to time the worst types of abandonment at the worst times. It would feel planned. It was narcissistic behavior, tbh.
He is also a very “nice guy” type. As long as there were no concerns or conflict, he would stay nice. But that stuff is inevitable in a close or real relationship. He also (admittedly) lacked empathy.
I learned many hard lessons from that relationship. One was to redefine what “nice” really is, and to never again use it to vet a person. It means nothing.
I’m terribly sorry to hear about your son. I cannot imagine that nightmare. 😢
@kaylinnb Thank-you for your kind words. Indeed, kindness is perceived differently. His new lady looks like me,but it's not me🤦♀️ 🫣I wish him well. 😊FA do what they do. Heal you sweetheart ❤️
Amazing video thankyou. I'm a fearful avoidant who was dumped by a dismissive avoidant.I'm 98 days NC and going strong in stage 5. I've re found myself, in therapy, going to the gym, rebuilt old friendships and getting to a point emotionally were I really don't know if I want her back, even though i miss things. And trust me I was a mess 3 months ago.
It's been 2 more weeks. How are you holding up? I was in similar situation, but once I gave in and broke NC, I'm back to the square one. I'm not sure I can go through all of this suffering again. "I'm not sure" meaning "I'm about to k*ll myself". Seriously, I have no hope left. I can't take this anymore.
@luckykitty2604 don't do that....time is always the answer, once u realise or trust in that, you might even be able to cut some time and get to a better place quicker. Stay strong!
💯 accurate take on fearful avoidants- I feel like someone finally cracked my code
So true. My fearful ex checked all the boxes. He didn’t believe comprising is a thing.
Thanks for this one. I am going through something similar with my ex. I have been thriving since we split a few months ago, launching a new novel trilogy I've been working on for years as well as a short story that's, well, about "us." I've been doing over a dozen podcast interviews, and, yes, the interviewer almost always asks about the man in the story. (I changed our names). He resurfaced 3 weeks ago and then again a few days ago, making it clear he's watching and following me. He even says he's looking forward to reading the sequel to our story.
This is what makes your video so important. Some of the others try to suggest that the DA doesn't feel good enough or will be intimidated by us if we improve on our own. I have learned that our best path forward is to THRIVE. In my case it not only makes that stage of their missing you much more compelling it also makes you care a lot less that they do.
Wow you hit the Hammer on the nail.. My Ex is a fearful avoidant
I got into a situationship to deal with a previous breakup (a narcissist). I wasn't looking for any commitment, and I was clear to let him know. The avoidants inconsistancy made me feel something wasn't right with me, so I started therapy. Found out I was leaning more anxious. This avoidant brought it out in me severely and was always leaving me confused. He eventually wanted to make things official, and I agreed. I threatened to leave him many times for his inconsistency. I guess something triggered him (me not reaching out in two days), which made him swing into his anxious side. So when I finally reached out, he swung into his avoidant side. I ended things with him. I had enough. I'll be changing my number soon 👋
Some advice next time if you're really not looking for commitment don't agree to make it official be more assertive & say no i dont want to be in a relationship
Yeah, I got the full cat/mouse (they’re the mouse that loves being chased) and breadcrumbing experience. It also caused me to lean very AA, rather than just end it. Which is what I should’ve done.
It was “no label” for about 5-6 months, but “serious” and exclusive. It was an awful experience.
A lot of the behavior seemed fair at first, because it was early stages. He swore he was just “slow.” Just needed time. But yeah…nearly 4 years later he never changed his avoidant behaviors on any deep level.
He didn’t say ILY until after 3 years and me breaking it off. Just to give an idea of how the DA fun continued, ha.
A nightmare that I’m glad is over. I’m still picking up pieces of myself and my life, but at least I’m on this side of it.
I’m just shocked how everything describes my ex. Totally avoidant and blame shifting man. We could never have a conversation where I would be heard even for 10%. I was secure before but with him , I because anxious and fearful. All the lies and cheating he put me through made me EXTREMELY anxious. Always leaving and then coming back, seems like something a crazy person would do. But I guess if I’m accepting him back, I’m the crazy one 🤣
DUDE it’s scary how accurate you are with these facts, I relate to the fearful and anxious. before I even knew what that was , , hearing you list what we do and being so correct just blew my mind
Thank you!!!!!
As a fearful avoidant I agree
Dealing with this behavior seems so draining, if you notice these personality traits just run away and don’t look back!
"they should put any effort on their part", basically a spoiled lazy and arrogant child. I want a partner, a teammate who can watch my back while I watch hers, not a perpetual kid. I wonder why this last sentence triggered me a bit, maybe I didn't receive these things enough in my childhood? I just can't stand people who think they can get away with things without paying the price or earn these things. Leechers.
That sentence totally triggered me, too.
Yes! Exactly!
wow! his last words: so essentially AVOID avoidant men at ALL COSTS!
False hope, shouldn’t be given to people experiencing a break up. They need time to heal. Their ex shouldn’t be on prioritized in their minds.
Liked and subbed, please(!) could you do a video on the relationships/breakups/reattraction between secure and anxious types? I think I made this all go very sour because of my anxious relationship issues, put a lot of it on her, but having done the partner quiz I think she was actually secure. It would be good to see if what I am thinking is along the right lines. Thank u!
LMAO - The dismissive will throw a 🥳 party! Totally embracing the time apart from whoever they choose !
LOL....Funny , I just heard you mention Party as I was writing this.
Yeah, while you think she’s going through stages during no contact.
Meanwhile, she’s paying you no mind and getting railed by the replacement that was set in place well before the breakup.
Big facts
Fr
😂
I can’t tell u how much finding these vids today has helped me. I subscribed & thank u ❤
Is it possible that someone could be both dismissive and fearful?
My X over time in the relationship, she felt entitled, played the victim, complained, put herself on a pedestal, validation seeking, controlling, ungrateful, manipulated and gaslighting before the discard. My X left for a rebound guy because I stood my ground and got tired of being a target of her insecurities. I upgraded and leveled up while my X down graded.
You said something at 13:54 which I think most people in relationships don't do; communicate what they want and need; "You need to back off a little bit". (maybe said in a gentler way😊)
People aren't mind readers, so if this isn't communicated then the other person retreats to get space, instead of asking for it, which in turn makes the Fearful Avoidant move closer; the very thing the other person doesn't want!
Communication is the key.
I mean it's interesting when you study breakups all you essentially see is this simple fact. People think they know how to communicate but when it comes down to it they struggle deeply with it because it's hard to communicate something that you are sure will upset the other person.
@@chrisseitercoaching Wow! so true. I had it happen to me. Ex had been bottling up resentment of all the little things that I did that annoyed him and they came gushing out in one angry avalanche!!! Better to not let things fester and just tell me/communicate. I was swamped by it... He lost me after that as I'd never know going forward it he was bottling up more stuff ready to unleash.
Anyway, I enjoy your videos.
Can relate to the nostalgia and wistfulness at end of a relationship... Human behaviour when it's to do with matters of the heart is so interesting and illogical. Even though we know all of this, can be intelligent at capable at work we repeat illogical sabotaging patterns when it's to do with the heart. 💔
This is some amazing content on “no contact”! Thanks for giving thorough points on this topic.
Thank you so much for making sense of a very confusing situation that is thankfully over!!!
I believe my covert narc is a fearful avoidant. Complete destruction and messy!
A month ago my ex told me she loved me and broke it off over text. Said she wasnt looking for anything new but wanted to focus on herself. We share spotify still and shes since been listening to Taylor Swift break up songs on repeat. I believe shes trying to brainwash herself into not coming back. All while sending me a message thru the music. I love her and want her back but I think urge to be single will be the end.
I feel so seen. Im a fearful avoidant and everything mentioned is 100% true. I am aware I need to be more conscious about how I present myself in my relationships now, now that I know Im going through this cycle.
😊😊😅😅😅😊
Why not just call ur ex?
@feedyourroommates775 she would just pull away even more and gaslight u most likely
@@mercyveritas1125Ego. If they do, they'll swear up and down they didn't call to work it out, hot and cold, then go ghost again.
Wether it's an "avoidant" or a "narc' two sides of the same coin. Run for the hills...
let them figure out their momma.❤
😂
You really could interchange the titles for “narcissist” and it would still be accurate, lol. A coincidence? I think not.
As humans we all seek answers. This is great, honest, real and very sincere.
It's true, they left us/you/someone for a reason.
Why would you get back together after breaking up? If it’s that bad that you need to go no contact in the first place, it’s probably not with going back to.
Genius video! Thank you so much! Very riveting delivery!
By far one of the BEST videos on this topic ❤ I wish it could have been even longer.
This means a lot! I don't think a lot of people realize how many hours went into making this. At least 100 hours so seeing comments like this make my day.
Yes! This can have two separate follow up videos with more detailed case studies.
This has got to be the most amazing video in regards to “will my ex come back”. Everyone else on here (other dating coaches) seem to just say what people want to hear and give delusional hopes lol. Thanks for not supporting peoples delulu dreams
I never cared about what the Ex went through especially when she left me.
I never needed a "rule" to have no contact, it is as natural to me as breathing.
Funny thing is she would get in contact with me, only to confront a dial tone.
What brought you to view this video?
You nailed it. Described my ex perfectly.
If your ex is going to come back, especially if you have an avoidant ex, you will have to suck this up.
If you will hear from him/her it will be sometime between days 45-60.
Broke up with mine many times. Finally I went NC and both times I did it. She came back in days 46 and day 48
And the hardest part is that no matter what you say or explain you can’t change their mind
My ex did none of this. So which is she? She dumped me after 4 years abd jumped into rebound the same week and then came to my house 2 weeks later and was all over me and told me she loved me and then next say cold. 3 weeks into NC she reached out and asked if i was still waiting on her. Then we went back into NC and havent heardd from her in month. She still with this loser of a guy who is 31 and still lives with mommy and daddy.
Being a fearful avoidant and listening to Taylor Swifts songs,I get a strong sense she fearful avoidant as well.
Surely it depends on how the breakup occurred? And surely after 6 to 8 weeks you've forgotten about your ex virtually..
You explained my ex very accurately at the end, she definitely a fearful avoidant type
Did she leave you or did you leave her?
Great video but I’m left feeling a little confused. Is the best way to get both these attachment styles back through no contact?? Please let me know
I don’t really watch these types of videos kinda saw this by chance in my recommended…. And you said some things that reminded me of myself…. And I’m glad I grown from my past but just wow I got some stuff imma look into now
This is interesting but i fail to see how it works for my case. We were together 10 years but also were each others first relationship.
What happens to the no contact rule if the fearful avoidant ex is a co-worker and the anxious person walked away because they saw the avoidant starting to self sabotage?
Mine blocked me immediately after the breakup I honestly don't think it's affecting her
How do we know which of the 2 they are??
This was extremely helpful!!! Thank you so much!!!
Is it possible that some mistake avoidance for not being that into you
We all act more avoidant when We aren’t that into somebody , particularly if the person is anxious
I don't think any of these descriptions are right for each individual. I know a fearful avoidant, he never dumped me just stopped showing up for planned meet ups but still wanted to be in touch and he never dates other people. He said he can't be what I need but I only wanted to see him once a week and I like my own company and live in another town. Sometimes he just all of a sudden asks me to come and see him at an inconvenient time and I say no but he gets scared if it's a planned meet up in advance.
Thank you for telling me of this about feaful avoidant, I’m full secure and bit anxious. I am ready for this plan coming back, I am giving her space and my own space. I never attack my own body, I rise up and never give up.
My avoidant ex would tell me that he was afraid of me realizing he’s not as great as I think he is. Then he’d tell me that I’m so beautiful to not settle for less than I deserve. I didn’t know he was an avoidant and I had become anxiously attached but now that we’re broken up I look back and realized we weren’t as compatible as I thought and he was trying to hint that to me.
So true with the fearful avoidant behavior
It depends how we broke up. Im fearful avoidant and my ex cheated on me. I dont care how he endured break up. I dont care about it at all. No contact rule and moving on with my life without this parasite...
Chris, I actually met up with a person I dated again earlier in january after she discarded me in October last year. Things were fine, we were talking normally on the phone for a while but when we met up and went to an event, she started hitting her head and when I asked her if she was ok, she said she was fine and forgot something. She then acted cold after the show and tried to start an argument. Next day, she asked if we stopped being in contact. I thought we were friends and she said she couldn't be a friend and hangs up on me. 10 mins later, she rings me and says we can be friends. There's something really wrong here from this behaviour and I decided I had enough but ended it amicably. I got a text from her 4 days later and never really responded to her. I do care for her but this is a crazy rollercoaster. Not sure if these are mind games or she really does need to get help.
Dat ain’t normal g she needs help the banging the head was a red flag brudda. If she dosent get the help she needs time to move on g 💯
Oh my god that actually is insane. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
There’s one who is happy to be free from a cycle; and the other just misses the availability of their former supply, eventually (I give it 21-60 days of no contact).
It also depends on who does the breaking up. DAs get dumped as well and I guarantee they’re not “relieved” if they didn’t want the breakup. Also, you can’t tell me all these exes are DA and FA. People only think their exes are avoidants rather than AP, instead of realizing someone just doesn’t want to be with them
He unblocked me 11 weeks ago and hasn't reached out. I've stayed no contact. He obviously doesn't care anymore.
He cared enough to unblock you though. So he was obviously thinking about you.
How do you know he unblocked you?
@@angiegaspar8544 his name appeared on people I knew. How does it matter?
My ex did the same thing - unblocked me but still won't talk to me. I'm trying to figure out if he's the Fearful Avoidant type or Dismissive Avoidant type. Do you have an idea what your ex's type is? It would be super helpful for me. Thank you 😊
@@tinamcbey3569 I don't know, his very stubborn.
I am now close to 60 days no contact with my avoidant.
I want to forget about her, I know it will be impossible to restart a relationship again, for this reason I don't want her back regardless if no contact works or not
However, I cannot stop thinking about her....
I cannot move along if she is constantly in my thoughts.
Any advice?
Do you give a fearful avoidant a heads up as an anxious attachment partner or do you just go cold turkey no contact
If I care about "stages my ex go during no contact" that means I don't do no contact.
Ikr😂😂😂
What brought you to this video?
Took a test I'm a fearful avoidance. I believe he is dismissed avoiding oh my
Thank you for the elaborate explanation!
Have you considered maybe lowering the volume of the music so your voice is easily heard instead of having to put the volume way up only to be distracted by this weird music?
I’ll make sure to fix that for the next video!
Has anyone blocked their avoidant ex?
Even when you still haven’t gotten any of your belongings back? Do you just let it go and move on?
Incredible work chris!
Thank you! Cheers!
can you explain a little more with stage 4, if I don't conatct an FA they move on, but if I do contact them anxiosuly they won't? Why is that?
Broke up on Sunday, told me to get out the house, I said alright cool. Her ex bf was always stalking her etc, once I ssid I will speak to him, she got very defensive he has a boy with his baby mama, not my girl, she was like I don't want his kid to be without a dad and suffer without one, I was like that's your choice and not your responsibility, met on Sunday night bc she left her keys in my car and I said come collect it made her travel 250 miles to come collect, started waving at me like nothing happened and said are you OK, literally kept it nonchalant and gave the keys and walked away back to my car. She hadn't blocked me on anything at all on socials, she views my story but I already went on other dates and posted them 🔥🔥... was only together for 3 months, ive been in no contact for 9 days straight now, i aint vieweing her stories at all.. any opinion on this
Leave her alone she's got baggage you're her second pick
@@tresjolieme81 😞
9 days it's to little, you would crack , trust me you still monitoring what she does
I don’t want the DA back but it does put a smile on my face that he may be suffering now cuz he realized he fucked up and find it amusing that I could possibly haunt him for the rest of his life as a “phantom ex”.
So are you saying a fearful avoidant/ anxious attached won’t come back after they dumped you ?
Avoidants either fearful or dismissive are basically narcissists. They get into a relationship, drain the target's feelings and they've known since day 1, that relationship has an expiry date. Avoid the avoidants even harder than them
not always? my ex was a clinger and low key narcissist and i was the avoidant. i was only protecting her the best way i could. she stopped drinking and smoking finally, then she got me to dump her, which i did, only to reconnect later as fwb, them she ghosted me. been over a year now
That’s rubbish. Avoidants are not narcissists. Did you not bother listening to
the video?
The behavior is indeed narcissistic, which means essentially unconscious self-preserving ego defense mechanism that can't take into account the needs of others. We ALL act healthily or malignantly narcissistic on any given day.
@@justarandomfurbywithakitch903 is it not really? Self centered behavior?
@@nightingale1207 The actions are still self-preserving. Thus narcissistic defense mechanisms. It's self-service over the needs of others ranging from healthy to malignant. NPD is a result of severe trauma. It's literally PTSD with rigid neurological and psychological defense mechanisms that are impenetrable due to the complexity of the person's trauma. Avoidant is not balanced in response to triggers and are more closely on the end of pathological. Here's the twist, same as for anxious preoccupied.
What i would like to know is what ex's go through as far as stages if they are with someone and that is why they dumped you. Like what stages do they go through if any while they are with someone new?
Because they don’t have no feelings, they go radio silence and block me just on instagram but not on the phone… fucking reading my texts but not replying back.. wtf 😂
Block them on everything
Wow.. I broke up with my FA boyfriend 2 years ago, he initiated it... He started contacting me a month ago... He blocked me everywhere when we broke up... Just can't believe its so accurate
This video legit had me laughing out loud because I’m realizing I was actually “Stage 4” of the DA cycle. It all makes sense now.
My ex who discarded me a month ago, broke up with another boyfriend 3 months before meeting me. That puts you just past that 8 week window, she used me to move on or as a “rebound” and when you mentioned about how they’ll make the new boyfriend the greatest person who the ex could never live up to, she told me that no one had ever treated her as well as I did and make her feel as safe and seen as I did, then she dumped me 48 hours after she claimed a night we spent together was one of the single greatest nights of her life.
I guess it does make me feel a little better that shes fully self aware of her avoidant traits and she’s going to therapy for it
Would people rather study this than understand themselves and attract and build a relationship that meets their needs?
Relationships are interactions. I believe our own fulfillment has little to do with the people choosing not to engage with us. But better understanding how the behaviors of others are triggering to us. Then deciding how we manage our beliefs and responses and/or choosing more mindful partners
yeah yeah thanks Karen
@@benjaminseldon3489 👉🏾😎👉🏾
I agree with you now. But first i was like these people. Because of the pain. So yes because they are in pain. But people will be fine with time. 😘
Great presentation❣️Helps me understand both attachment styles.
Would love some content on how a secure person would bring up attachment theory to a friend or partner who is unaware, without making them feel awkward and or deactivating completely. Keep up the great content!
@@heatherhilderbrand7298 I think your comment is in the wrong spot, but I think my comment above can help.
I have a business. A big challenge for entrepreneurs is focusing on their dreams and expertise instead of solving their customers' problems. Many times, relationships are about solving problems and satisfying unmet needs.
So, I suggest not talking about attachment theory unless it solves a specific problem. Because it is boring and awkward to bring up. Also, some work is best left to therapists.
Your knowledge of attachment theory can help you be a better friend and recognize when to make a referral. You can help people by asking them how things felt, or how you can support them with a challenge. Or say things like, "It doesn't sound like they respected your boundaries," or "I think you deserve better treatment than that."
If someone wonders how you seem like you know so much about relationships or stay so calm, you can say you've read a lot about attachment theory, or recommend a book or media channel. Otherwise, you're likely to regret coaching people who don't want coaching