If I could summarize everything said about the advice given for avoidants, it's that you must leave them, and detach if you want any hope of getting them back. Of course, the irony of that is once you leave and detach you won't want them anymore. So in reality, your best bet is to just stay away, and leave them. There's no winning in this scenario. Once you leave them, your entire life gets better. They will come crawling back months (or years) later, and they will look absolutely disgusting to you when they do it, and you'll question why you ever wanted this person. True story.
Thank you for this… it’s helping … I’m in the middle of no contact with my love- an avoidant… and I’m an anxious attacher.. and I’m fucking pining away trying SO hard to go no contact
Yeah exactly, thank you. If I need a master plan, for someone to be with me. I better without them. Anyway, they arent worth so much effort anyway. Because they where disrespectful and not value the relationship in first place.
True. Even when well intended there can be disastrous results. Pretending to have moved on quickly sounds really manipulative and if it involves a third party wouldn't it hurt that person as well? I think if talking things out to the best of your ability doesn't work you're probably just not compatible to begin with. Why pretend to have moved on? Why hurt other people in weaving such a web?
@@BlackWolf-gk8snI healed my avoidant partner by this stragedy. It took more than 3 years and was the hardest time in my life, but it worked. He is devoted to me. He adores me and admires me. But I don‘t want to be with him in 3D although I still love him more than anyone Else. The fear to turn him avoidant is to strong.
Read this comment and immediately stopped the video. It’s just pointless brainrot for people who want fancy therapyspeak to confirm their biases and delulu
Exactly! In my experience it always happens in a matter of weeks, over literally nothing... Almost as if they fall in love with me first & before I even realise deep feelings are being created, they distance & /or disappear, like they're scared to be in love with me... So it gives me no chance to pull back first coz I'm still in the let's get to know each other as friends first stage
Exactly! My experience happened during the love bombing stage. I had no idea it was coming because I thought everything was good. I didn’t even know what an avoidant was at the time. So, there is no way I would have known to become unavailable first.
@@fabiocosta3306 the point is it will be your call not theirs .. they will know you have the power to walk away and that you are confident on being on your own ..they will do their own thing but feel bad about why you left suddenly stead of you doing that thinking night and day pure madness! For them too..
I’ve done this dozens of times. He acts distant, I end it, go no contact, focus on myself and move on. He comes crawling back. I set boundaries and voice my needs, he agrees to them and the honeymoon starts again. Sooner or later he sabotages us again so I walk away again. Cycle repeats.
@@lr7032 that’s all good as long as you don’t stop focusing on yourself.. sooner or later they do burnout of everything money friendships and work but you will keep shining brighter as long as you create a distance with boundaries..
Why would you put yourself through that dozens of times? No offense but that person is taking the piss out of you and you're allowing it, you're condoning their behaviours. Have to say I put up with that several times in my marriage before I went to a lawyer, and that was the end of that, my two kids were watching that shit play out. Know your own value.
So its all about them. They regret losing you. Not a word about "hey maybe i hurt this person by pushing them away". The regret is still about self interest.
@@tucker8358 Here is a text I got 6 years later from a demon I was with for a year. After lying, cheating, distancing herself, and then tried to friend zone me I gave her an alright, and deleted on everything - no contact. "I haven't felt anything was your fault. I handled it all poorly on my side. I've regretted how I acted for a long time. Been thinking over and over a lot today, so just wanted to add that I initially added you so that I could apologize and hopefully clear some air between us. One reason why I feel most at fault is because someone I casually dated over the summer prior got back in touch with me in the spring, and I wanted to date him. I should have been completely open and honest with you. I'm sorry. I have a toxic trait of wanting to always be in some kind of relationship and that came out a lot with you and him. I don't mean it's the only reason why I was so into you. You're an awesome guy and you keep it 100 even when you don't think so. If you have any questions now or in the future, I'll be here" You keep on waiting because I ain't ever comin' back. 6 Years of being in the streets, thinking I would ever entertain that again. That is the mental state of these women, ego on another planet, delusional. If you really analyze her words, you can tell she is avoiding all accountability to how I was treated, and she's just looking for absolution.
Talking about two different things with a lot of overlap. NPD is a personality disorder. Dismissive avoidant is an attachment style. Two different subjects. But both are TOXIC and ABUSIVE.
Who cares, just leave this person behind! You have to move on, no matter what. Avoidants are a waste of time, we need to be open for the ones that are willing to put the effort
The difference is how you feel. Moving on IS the right path either way. But leaving in time is easier being than being left especially if you know you give the other person a chance to learn from their mistakes and to heal themselves (If they do it or not is their responsibility).
Here is a text I got 6 years later from a demon I was with for a year. After lying, cheating, distancing herself, and then tried to friend zone me I gave her an alright, and deleted on everything - no contact. "I haven't felt anything was your fault. I handled it all poorly on my side. I've regretted how I acted for a long time. Been thinking over and over a lot today, so just wanted to add that I initially added you so that I could apologize and hopefully clear some air between us. One reason why I feel most at fault is because someone I casually dated over the summer prior got back in touch with me in the spring, and I wanted to date him. I should have been completely open and honest with you. I'm sorry. I have a toxic trait of wanting to always be in some kind of relationship and that came out a lot with you and him. I don't mean it's the only reason why I was so into you. You're an awesome guy and you keep it 100 even when you don't think so. If you have any questions now or in the future, I'll be here" You keep on waiting because I ain't ever comin' back. 6 Years of being in the streets, thinking I would ever entertain that again. That is the mental state of these women, ego on another planet, delusional. If you really analyze her words, you can tell she is avoiding all accountability to how I was treated, and she's just looking for absolution. It has nothing to do with being sorry, its recognizing what she lost now is irreplaceable. Stay true to yourself always.
For real tho! Could’ve used all that brain power to get a degree or something else more useful. I’m not doing all of this to attract some person with an f-ed up personality 😭😭😭😭😭
Your statement goes along perfectly with that Homer Simpson quote that got turned into a meme when he's trying to justify his terrible behavior. "Well excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on!" 🤪
Mine came back after a whole year leaving and having fun with other girls. I forgave him, ask him to go to therapist together, try to be as soft and gentle as possible so he will not get triggered. 2 months later he treated me like I am a stupid annoying person (again) like he never begged for the second chance. I've heard many humiliating words from him, even more than people have ever said to me. After two years of suffering now I realize the reason why God sent me him to my life so I can heal my anxiety. Now I feel more secure, less anxiety, have a good therapist and become better everyday. We never leave anybody so we deserve someone who always stays and willing to learn together We can go through it!
I had them back but they just did the same thing again - discard. He is DA. This time they ghosted me after crumbing me for a few months after pulling away and deactivating initially. I’m just leaving them alone. I’m not going to play stupid games. They don’t want to be with me or lost love for me so why chase someone that was easy and willing to let you go so easily? The only thing to do is to detach and let go and don’t look back. Even if they do come back they will do the same thing again and/or the discard will be more brutal.
Same it was horrible few months but I’m free now not answering him as lonely I feel and still wondering why he treated me so bad I know it wasn’t me but damn they leave u with broken pieces only you can put together don’t depend on others people take kindness for weakness unfortunately stay strong move on keep ur self busy
Good you share a testimony of a case where they came back and share what they did, at least it makes it easier to let go of the hope of they coming back since they would do the same. Shameful people and what a disgrace, giving all my heart to her to be walked over it like a piece of 💩
@@SnivelakFilms yes you don’t want them back. They just do the same thing to you and they haven’t changed and can be worse as they get older too. They give lip service to being changed and self reflection. It’s not true. I can only guess only 0.1% of these dismissive avoidants will take the necessary step to change. It’s just easier for them to blame the other person and not themselves and continue discarding people in a search for the unrealistic and illusiive “right” person for them.
This definitely works. I didn't know about attachment styles at that time, it just came naturally to me - you ghost me, don't treat me right, I'm gone. No long paragraphs, no explanation, nothing. He never fully got over it. What that experience taught me as an anxious person - more independence, not solely focus on romantic relationship but maintain balance in all areas of my life. I became more sufficient, learned to soothe my own deep traumas and fears, not to suffocate another person with attention as a part of control because I was cheated on, lied to in my previous relationships prior to meeting that person. You can find positives in everything if you willing to look deep enough and also take accountability for your part played in that dynamic.
Think of a relationship with an avoidant as a cat chasing a lazer pointer. You will never full grasp what you are longing for with them, no one is worth that trouble. Stay true to yourself and your person will come even if it may not seem plausible now.. Usually when you least expect it!! Do yourselves a favor move on, fall in love with yourself. God will let someone who won't take your love for granted into your life. Amen and take care.
Let them go. If they only need you once you are doing fine - think about the future, when youll be facing difficulties & problems in your life, and they wont offer support because they dont need you when you need them. You dont need this kind of person, its going to be hell because theyre not trustworrhy.
Or worse you are always there and when you get sick they leave you or they always avoid you and suddenly they get sick you must take care of them forever when they never gave you that much time!
@@luiscaceres-qk4yk Exactly. If someone only comes back once youre independant and happy and you had to regain your strenght without them being present and heal your own wounds, and they come back because they see youre happy again - theyre straight up an energy vampire. They just need your good feeling vibes to feed on thats all.
It has, and I for one am 36 years old and STILL can't find someone because it's all games, games, games. Like I'm not perfect by any means, but I at least bothered to grow up.
If you love a person who is avoidantly attached information like this might help you navigate the dynamic. It’s not game plating to be aware of triggers and subconscious behaviour, it’s all very human.
I realise individual circumstances between a couple in this scenario can vary to no end, but no matter what goes on in a relationship with an avoidant, ultimately the avoidant is always the one in control, intentionally or unintentionally and irrespective of whether or not either person realises it. The only time the non-avoidant will ever truly be in control, is when they finally have enough of the mind and emotional fuckery and leave the relationship - permanently. Doing so, (and sticking to it) gives the non-avoidant total control - that being, the only true kind of control anyone ever has - control over themselves.
Avoidant gets "positive" label as "dismissive avoidant" although they have similar traits of a narcissist, but why do we give them such a royal treatment for their narcissistic behavior? RUN
Why would anyone want to get a dismissive avoidant back? To suffer their mistreatment all over again? Do people really have that much hope that they can change? Seriously, ONE single bout with these types and you get vaccinated - you've seen them all.
It's hard when you fall in love with one and it blinds you to their red flags. I still have a soft spot for them as besides this one flaw, they're not bad people.
@@commenter30 I see your point as I, too, have fallen in love with one of them back when I didn't know attachment theory. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. They are like a mirage - wonderful up until you get close, unfortunately. Relationship: Impossible :(
My only regret was I did not detach first. They discarded me first while I did see all the signs that they were not emotionally available, but again the hot & cold dynamic.
This is the best comment thread on a video i've ever seen, and its only 7hours into being uploaded. Way to freaking go Chris for waking people up to this and just be a healthy and mature adult and avoid people with these mind games!
I told them to stop devaluing me, with dismissive comms. Rather than say ok I'll look at my communication & be more mindful about it they left, taking zero accountability for their actions. & yet I had been expected to tailor my communication around them. To suit them. All about them. So unnatractive but entirely a fear indicator. So I just let them go. Bye....
They're so illogical & I hate how others blame them being avoidant's coz of this wound & that wound, did these people not learn how to treat other people? Or about respect & awareness? Unless ur clinically insane, there's just no mental disorder that can justify the lack of those things mentioned
This is too much work for someone who really just needs therapy. Im 4 months post breakup. I just dont see a future with her unless she has some sort of epiphany and works on herself. I have no problem finding someone else who may be more fitting. Its sad but it is what it is.
What’s the point? So what if they feel regret or not? This model doesn’t show if they ever regret the loss enough to get help. They just keep the wheel going whether or whenever you leave.
They may feel regret the first time they leave. My ex apparently felt that as they expressed it at the beginning of our reconnection. Unfortunately it’s all just words as they just go through the whole process again and discard you all over again. I’m going through recovery from the second breakup with them. My ex is DA. I’m not chasing them there is no point - it will just end the same again. I’ve just come to the conclusion that they come back when they don’t have anyone else at that point in time to give them validation. It’s never love for them. I don’t think my ex ever loved me at all - just the fantasy idea of love and hence why they find it so easy to discard making us replaceable.
@@petitcoeur-q6r Mine came back to regain control over her life after she got SAed by a f**k buddy, and then when I mentioned it, she tried using a completely different SA story to try to make me feel bad. Like if you're going to cry victim, at least keep your story straight. All they care about is them, their self-soothing, their control, their childish whims and needs. There's no room for anyone else.
@@kateaghaghiri2968 whether they regret or not, it's up to you to choose what you want. Will you be their wheel victim or will you find a healthy partner?
Great profound content as always. I am the anxious who goes as we speak through the pulling away phase and it is so painful. I watch this video with deep respect but also deep sadness - When did love become such a game of strategies and charts? I am anxious but at 43 I am an expert at managing it and sometimes hide it from partners, BUT it hurts the same - Deep down I feel so passive, dragged for a ride out of my control just like you say, Chris... this is agonizing, and actually triggers my deepest trauma, the waiting game for my dad to come back after abandoning me, prove he thought of me while gone, and the I am not forgettable... these emotions flood me to the core when trying to win the love of an avoidant, even if on the surface I perfectly mirror them, Still - If I win them with these strategies it just feels like a game, because I know - Being MYSELF and authentic is unloved by them, I can tolerate their huge mess, but they cannot handle mine, and they leave. I am in therapy for years and can't say it works regarding this huge topic. I trying the hardest to become more secure in many ways. I am just so sad, I feel like giving up, I feel like no one stays, no one loves me for the true vulnerable me.
This resonates with me SOO much. As a 43 yr old Anxious Attacher with serious Abandonment Issues, dating a Dismissive Avoidant since early July… we’ve been split the past 3 weeks yet he is still somewhat in contact & it’s been so triggering for me never know IF or when I’ll hear from him or see him again… it’s emotional torture and I’ve had more panic attacks in the past 3 months than the past 3 years combined. Thank u for sharing.
After way too many years with an avoidant, I finally met a secure type and what a difference! No games, no disappearing, no lame excuses why they can’t show up, you can actually make plans that happen, there’s a chance things can progress instead of never going anywhere. Relating shouldn’t be so hard. I think avoidants can’t stop themselves from pulling away. They don’t seem to understand the pain it causes an anxious type or that they are sabotaging the relationship. There are secure types out there ladies, you probably just have to do a lot more shopping. And suffer through the separation anxiety of leaving the avoidant. Don’t give up hope. Visualize what you want and believe you can have it. It may just come in a different package than you expected.
Wow this part of the comments hit different...it's like 43 years is a magic number 😅 you get to meet your avoidant and go through triggers and traumas. It's also very growth inducing. I feel like I emotionally matured at a rapid rate..! I had to ,had no choice❤
I will know I'm healthy when I no longer try to attach to avoidants. I know I need to withhold my love until I know what I'm truly dealing with. I need to learn to expect my needs to be met and not be willing to give without receiving.
This isn't very good psychological advice,these seem like just manipulation tactics to get caught in a toxic loop of push pulling instead of problem solving. Why is the advice to become more avoidant and cold before your partner does?
Honestly, I wish he was more explicitly clear about how to do this in a non-manipulative way. In my experience as an anxious with my avoidant partner, we had a major breakthrough when I actually, authentically acted as though I was willing to potentially lose our relationship if she didn't change one particular behavior. Ironically, when I was confident enough to risk losing her, she willingly agreed to make the change and even thanked me for the way I made the request several times in the weeks and months afterwards.
No. Because you can only keep the avoidant when you play according to their rules. So you have to deny and suppress your own needs for connection. Just avoid them if you are not an avoidant yourself. Otherwise you will have a lonely and miserable life with them. Don't ever think that you can change them... You will lose your precious time and youth on them!
@@StevensJams that´s a completely different topic though. that´s the right way to go but it´s about you valuing yourself and being willing to let go of a toxic relationship so your partner has to do their part or let go, this video is basically about you changing yourself into faking and supressing your feelings and becoming more avoidant yourself or putting up an act to manipulate your partner. if your avoidant partner had been triggered and escaped the relationship after your change in attitude which is basically a coin flip on if they are ready to put their part or act on ther triggered side, you would have benn left in a shit situation instead of with a strong self of self worth
@@M.M-t6u yea its true, but avoidant with avoidant is only a shallow convenient relationship because neither will work on true emotinoal depth, i think the best advice is to work on your security yourself and be there for your partner if they want to work on themselves. and if they are not willing, then part of your own growth and security is letting go of them
How do you spot avoidants from the beginning. I mean they are so emotionally available, there for you, loveable, caring people in the beginning. I would never have guessed mine was an avoidant the first few months. I don't ever want to go through this again. Ever!!!!
Same 😢 i realised it 4 months later and he always had valid reasons for why he disappears ! It’s the first time I’ve let it slide.. i think we should’ve tap out when they show us signs of fear and running away from something !
Mine had quite obvious signs… he was not really into hugs (when we first were friends) and when started dating he would never talk about feelings and he was not really into kissing… meaning he would never come by and kiss me with intention out of love. Kissing was always about sex. And sometimes not even that. They tend to jump out the bed as soon as they finished sex to “cleanse” but they mostly do that to cut the loving - intimacy atmosphere afterwards… I used to have more of these but I guess I have been forgetting about how he was. Luckily
@@PandolfoCarla that is freakin awful. I hope you are not even in contact with him anymore. That is low. But when we are in it, we are still trying to make out heads and tails. Hindsight hits hard. Mine was extremely loveable. But it was like I had to "teach him" about adult love, relationships, communication and that not all conflict was bad. But he had an intense need for attention and validation. I was constantly drained. And that also meant that he was easily influenced. It was like he was just floating through life - unbothered. He tried to do all these "adult" things (I mean he is turning 50!!!). And one day all his stress got too much. We had a stupid disagreement. Poof gone is Puffy the dragon. Just like that. Disappears for a whole weekend (3rd time doing that). Comes back, watches his sport like nothing ever happened. Only difference was, I did not accept the way things were done. He expected me to apologies like always, and I didn't. Three days later he could not handle me not communicating like always.....moved out. But there is more....he doesn't move all his stuff at one time. Three different occasions where he comes around for stuff that he could not move already, and counting...... He has A LOT of ex girlfriends that he keeps contact with. I did not tolerate it in our relationship. An ex is an ex for a reason. Read somewhere they keep these string of exes to have all these "open doors" for future validation and possible "one nighters". They still want to feel wanted, and not to feel so guilty. It might hurt like hell at the moment, but he has got a big surprise coming....I don't do exes, neither friendships with them.
I accidentally ignored her for a day because I didn't get any messages notifications , and she quickly but subtly changed how she messages me, but as soon as I showed interest she went back to her old self
The only solution for your relationship, is her willingness to change and take therapy with a good psychologist . It’s time and money investment . If she doesn’t want … no point to fight this relationship
This can really backfire too..from my experience. Cuz after some time, they lose interest in being confused on where they stand with you/how you really feel about them. Basically at some point they wont tolerate the mixed messaging, (that they also serve.. 🤦♀️)
This is so toxic! It’s seems like great advice IF you know you’re dealing with an avoidant, and you want to continue in that toxicity. If you’ve never dealt with an avoidant before, how would you ever be able to process the idea of timing of giving space to them, especially when prior relationships wanted more closeness. Bottom line, it seems EVERYONE needs to heal their attachment style, and that takes commitment from all sides. Thinking it’s always up to the anxious or secure person to accommodate the avoidant is so ridiculous. Working on oneself is the key to creating a healthy relationship! A willingness to look at oneself is a must regardless of secure, anxious, avoidant, or mixed. I’m grateful for my interaction with that avoidant in my life, bc it forced me to look at myself. Hopefully he does the same
Dito. I've gone from a fearful to more secureattachment. I miss him like crazy and still stalk his page to cure my curiosity .i give it a month max before I'm completely bored of that, but in my mind if I'm truthful i have no space in my life for him, I'm actually turned off him segually and it will never be the same and won't work unless he wants it to.. it's a win win if he doesn't want me back .. I'm improved version of me , so the next man will reap the benefits .. now i have a name for these styles and patterns i can spot the red or green 💚 flags sooner❤
What are the chances that you become avoidant yourself if you mirror? Wouldn't a secure person just let sleeping dogs lie? If you just do your best to move on, the avoidant comes back, and you get back together, aren't you training yourself to become avoidant? I do agree that longing is not regret. If they appear to go back into fantasy mode and you need an adult conversation you'll be in for a disappointment.
No, why would that happen? Ur not catching corona off the person😂 It's a whole mindset so no u wouldn't just become an avoidant after intentionally acting like one for 1 person, unless ur mind is so weak... U don't see actors playing a role then somehow becoming their character for the rest of their life
@@EspritArkitektof course people can change their attachment style! A lot of people are avoidants because they have been hurt by avoidants themselves!
Cool, so many games though I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to engage in these mind games in their personal relationships. If you’re seeking a relationship and it turns into this cat and mouse game, do yourself a favor and walk away.
@@olive4naito it is 100% an avoidant vs avoidant game occurring at that point. Which is a losing game for all parties involved if BOTH are not willing to work toward becoming securely attached and fixing their connection. It sounds like the most non peaceful relationship you could have. No thanks.
This is way too much hassle for someone who just can't let go of their control complex and enter into a relationship in good faith and for the right reasons. If I have to become a strategy master to keep you around, you aren't worth my time.
@Alixir1228 I can only speak for myself, but this is something that I put a great deal of effort into healing. I gently bring it up if I feel like I'm being controlled or if I feel out of control myself, but I don't sit there planning an exit and putting all this energy into laying and springing this sort of trap for someone.
I surprised my avoidant last week with a no-contact. He'd withhold his attention towards me and often enjoyed acting mysteriously. He completely refused to meet for a date but would ensure we meet 'coincidentally' in the places where I'm attending events. Shockingly he has always been on his keyboard chatting info about himself and brief lovey dovey. Quite inconsistent words vs actions. It's not easy to leave an avoidant since they are not quite rough like narcissists. They act cool unless you push them hard. It has taken me years to realize avoidant attachment .
I feel you. Mines about the same. I just told her how I felt and she dimissed it. I just ignored her and paid her no attention. I think she tried to get my attention by interaction with others by her laughter and acting like she wasn't affected. But I knew her laughter was fake and forced. It isn't her authentic self.
Just keep in mind: sometimes people just aren't interested, it doesn't mean they are avoident. They might avoid you, because you make a move on them and they aren't into you.
So true. If someone gets broken up with or rejected, the dumper is always an "avoidant". Just like anyone else, when an avoidant is interested, they're not going to just let you go.
I don’t play games. I just let my avoidant be. I can’t change her, I simply accept her for who she is. As long as she’s honest is all that matters. I already know if we break up we’ll be friends. That’s unconditional love and true friendship.
@@osmetix I thought this too in my 2 year relationship with my FA. I gave unconditional love and accepted the way he is. Until, he told me he was going to spend a week with another woman. He never even spent 2 days in a row with me. We were exclusive for our 2 years together. I’m done.
@@kateaghaghiri2968 I’m so sorry. I’m sure once we end things I may have another point of view. If she was to do that to me I’d feel that way too. Just remember they owe us nothing. Self soothe and learning to love one’s self more than the other is my strife.
Excellent and deep analysis. I liked the video. You can be with avoidant ONLY if she/he understood past breakups , and is willing to do therapy and trying his/her best for you. If she/he doesn’t want to have a therapist , doesn’t understand his past breakups and do not want improve for your relationship.. leave . Waste of time
why are we trying to cause pain to the avoidant.. make them regret?? both avoidant and anxious can heal towards secure. it’s about knowing your attachment style healing it and communicating your needs with your partner.
sometimes if not most of the time avoidants refuse to "heal" according to them, it makes zero sense to expose their emotions and then feel vulnerable, they ask, what for? they fear rejection and abandonment or even past trauma, they've learned to supress their emotions from an early age, they're not even concious about this, it's a defense mechanism used by their brain.
I came to this video in search of some type of clarity. My boyfriend is an avoidant and he is now what I call stonewalling me for no apparent reason. This is the 2nd time in a year and one month that we’ve been together that he’s done this. My avoidant is different… one minute I think he is dismissive and then the other times I think he is fearful avoidant. I have an anxious attachment. my avoidant partner never tells me that he loves me, but he shows me. We don’t spend a lot of time together because he works two full-time jobs but when we are together, he makes me feel loved. 2 days ago he just quit talking. We wasn’t arguing. We hadn’t had a disagreement. He just stopped talking. I’m so hurt because it’s driving me crazy but at the same time I’m giving him space. I don’t think that I can deal with this type of dynamic in a relationship. I was single for seven years before I meant him and so was he. We both have had our hearts crushed by previous experiences. I am a good person. And I consider myself the prize. I have a genuine heart that loves from deep within. I feel like he’s going through something that doesn’t have anything to do with me but the way he’s going about doing it. I just don’t like. I know that he will contact me when he’s ready but now I’m having second thoughts about this whole relationship. 😭😭😭😭 thank you for this content. I’m learning a lot.
As a someone who only got a phone 18 months ago. I recently received an exit message , after an 8 month bumpy liaison initiated by him. The message was to me self soothing , but dressed up unconvincingly with apologies & regret for his poor behaviour. Also full of compliments my way. I felt it was coming anyway , but let him explain himself. It was feeble & mostly feeling sorry for himself. I wished him well, asked him why it took so long, and then I let it go. Figured I didn't want to waste any more energy on someone who can't talk things through maturely, in person. He sent a " final "open ended message back, not even finished. Sounding like he was feeling hopeless and fed up with his life. No pressure. How sad, but you can see this is what makes people reach out sometimes , on a purely human level. Not because they are desperate or anxious.
This was an amazing video! I appreciate how detailed you are in your research, graphics and explanations. You do a fantastic job Sir, so hats off to you! ❤
And then the cycle happens all over again when the victim detaches and stops caring. I feel I’ve experienced this and got more affection and interests from him but a few days later when I interact with him, he’s back to his normal.
Who has time or energy to deal with this nonsense! This is madness! Even if you get this kind of person back it’s gonna be like walking a tight rope. Who want to live like this he needs deep therapy and so do us anxious ones. I want a fulfilling life not this nuttiness.
Seems pretty desperate. So the idea is that you pulled away/ditch them before they do. And all of this in order to invoke feelings within them. Perhaps it’s more wise to find someone who would not require such emotional gymnastics.
I’m sorry I love my ex unconditionally but I’m not becoming unavailable first . I am the dork with a big heart that would never do that I have more respect for myself even if I could go back I wouldn’t do that bc she’s not liking me for me it’s sad people would been themselves like a pretzel I regret reaching out twice but at least I can say I’ve been me and now it’s looking after me and my mental health if not her then better x
So hilarious! Ex and I broke up last month for the third time. Always the same we’re great together, our kids get along it always seems like a great relationship. The threat of intimacy happens and she bounces. Both the last two times I intrinsically mirrored and detached first. As soon as that was proven to her she bread crumbs me until we’re back together, I’m doing everything I can to be secure, pray and decide as this cycle repeats how I’m going to break it, either way. Together or not, it needs to break. Video completely is completely valid.
My avoidant is also on the spectrum which makes all of this bs the same but on steroids. I am so exhausted. I guess I like a challenge and I like having to solve puzzles -- all that stuff. But this is just too much.
I am 70% secure, 30%FA. My ex FA monkey branched to another over a year ago. He wanted to be friends. Ha ha. Nope. I let him go without drama. NC forever for me. I don’t want him back. I continue to do inner work and have healed. Never again.
@@Flufero23 I left my dismissive avoidant three weeks ago, after being treated like I’m just a person who exist for months upon end. What makes it hard as I do have a child with her and when I go to visit them at a park, there’s literally no words between me and her. I do ask out of respect how she doing because she is the mother of my child, but she will with a vague answer. It sucks, but it’s not good for our mental health neither
@@xOFFtheCUFFI feel you. Perhaps you two could co-parent for the child’s sake. Perhaps you could consider therapy with or without her in navigating co-parenting.
Thank you. This kind of stuff helps me because my husband is an anxious avoidant. I don't leave his sorry *ss because we own homes and a business together. If we separated he would destroy me financially. All my idea and all my hard work. He has always been character assassinating me behind the scenes so with business, everybody only wants to deal with him. So here I sit stuck in the relationship. Being the good woman not having another man in my life. It is a life sentence of hell. Some people need these videos because some people like me are financially stuck with one of these people. Ugh. Yes, these people are worthless. These people should all be stuck together to live with each other on an island.
How do you communicate your emotional detachment in no contact if they never reach out, it sounds kind of stupid to reach out to them saying hey I just called to say I moved on. And more so, what’s the point of all this if you’ve really moved on? Why disrupt the death wheel to get them back if you don’t want them anymore?
Them coming back is a long shot. It is more likely they just aren't that into you. I think he's wrong in saying avoid them BEFORE they avoid you. That is unhealthy, in my opinion. But if they go silent and don't come back with an apology for and clarification of their silence then let them go. For your sanity and no other reason. No ulterior motives. I hate games. This video shines a light on the dysfunctional pattern that hurts us.
I'm glad I found this video, now I understand what's really going on between me and my Ex, we've been in this cycle for 2 years. I tried so hard to fix us and she decided to fully give up on me yesterday, but she also wants to stay friends with me by saying "I will always be your friend after all this", "please don't take it away" and not blocking me, but right now I'm trying to get the strength to love myself and fully remove myself from her life. She's not willing to communicate her feelings to me and hid most of it til she finally decided she doesn't want to try and work on our relationship. I feel like nothing again and it hurts so much because she was everything to me. We were both lost on our own struggles. I still love her, I wish her all the best. But now I'm giving up too on what we had.
This totally reminded me of a 5 year on/off relationship I had in the early 2000's. I deeply loved him, but every time things were going great and I was feeling like we were stable, he'd suddenly "never want to see you again," out of the blue for no visible reason. I don't know how many times we got back together, but looking back, I realize he had absolutely no concern for how much pain he put me through every time he dumped me. Finally, I moved from England back to the States. If he wanted to get back together now, I'd tell him to pound sand.
Whether a dismissive-avoidant is doing it intentionally or unconsciously is irrelevant to the fact that they're being total control freaks in the situation. Does that instantly make them bad people? No absolutely not. But with that being said it doesn't make what they are doing any less damaging or obnoxious. The non anxious or non avoidant partner is being made to jump through rings of fire of conditions the avoidant makes up on the spot and in turn you always have this moving goal post to chase after. Which is just unfair and kind of draining after a awhile. Patience is a virtue but patience is also finite let's not forget...
Thank you brother ! This totally explains my last relationship 2 breakups of 1 week apart : So the first time she broke up with me and I was like "Okay" then she called me back a day later saying how she cried all night saying "I might have made the worst mistake of my life" I told her let's take a week to think about it and give me space, she agreed but continued to text me from time to time so I got attached again... Then the week ended and after all those texts I still wanted her so we decide to meet and she broke up with me AGAIN with some BS excuse "you deserve better than what I can give you" (They ALL say that, it's just a lie brother) I then proceeded to contact her friends and family showing up at her door, doing EVERYTHING to realize why she changed, but eventually got hit with "now I know I've made the right decision" This made me learn that the best way to handle a break up is the redpill advice "I wish you the best, take care"
Lovely as it was, I dumped my avoidant 3 months in and the first time she shut down emotionally. I have zero tolerance for these people. Funny thing though, two days later I get an email where she’s dumping me and blaming me for ruining our relationship with a very lame reason. I’m guessing that was her attempt at wrestling control of the breakup. The next day she canceled our non refundable flights for an overseas trip, they were in her credit card so her loss, I was paying the accommodation. Both these actions were clearly desperation yet the deed had already been done, she’d been dumped for the first time in her life. Imagine that for a moment.
@@palmiccz ….i would have done whatever I had to do to help her heal and grow, just that generally speaking that inability to self reflect, take personal responsibility and ‘do the work’ causes them tremendous misery. I know, I was married to one for 12 years and I still remain close to her after all these years. Nothing has ever changed for her, only got harder.
@@wizardofaus2985 ….i get that. Do what I’m doing, learn all you can so as to avoid the avoidant in future. At least this latest one I felt very secure and had very strong boundaries in place so walked away the moment I saw she wouldn’t take responsibility. Not easy but absolutely necessary.
@@cspace1234nzwhat kind of "human" r u married to, if in 12 yrs she's incapable of reflection?? That sounds like lack of character & conscientiousness. Any human who doesn't grow with time, something seriously wrong
IF they don't know they need a woman, then they do not need a woman period. Thanks for the video; I summed it up for everyone to save you time and energy.
Your analysis and presentation of the facts and may be situations are awesome and makes you different from other kove gurus who just only talks and talks randomly without any facts check up
Avoidants usually give me the ICK! I told him if i knew you were an avoidant from the start we wouldn’t be here today! I fell for the secure amazing man who was sure about me.. i can’t even hate him because he breaks no contact and apologise but the last time he acknowledged that it’s best if i forget him he’s not ready.. so i had to mirror that saying i wanna be single too i didn’t ask to be your GF 😊 then ghosted him back. It hurts tho but i had to walk away despite the fact he’s still spying my socials. I choose my peace ✌🏻
I was called a “complication” by the man I was dating and he started to pull away. I’m normally a bit on the anxious side. This time I was so pissed off that I broke up with him before he could with me. I have gone no contact and I seriously doubt he’ll come back. Even if he does, I don’t want him.
But how can this be done practically in an day to day relationship with an avoidant? Would you tell them you’re giving them the silent treatment before they can say it to you? Would you have to be super detached the whole relationship, okay with leaving and ready to leave emotionally at any moment? That doesn’t very bonded or intimate
On round 10 with mine of 9 years. Finally was purposed to in September and lived back together for a year, he already wants the ring back and to move out. Sad I knew when he purposed that I would probably never see us get married. You really never know when your last day with them is gonna be and it always leaves you blindsided as if you shouldn’t already be used to it. It’s usually when you feel pretty safe.
3months later, this girls is now asking me out on a date. I can just tell she never worked / even cared to change for the better. I can't even believe i fell for her once...never again😂
We don't actually find out they are avoidants till they start the ghosting and pulling back, so how do we leave first? Or do you think we are stupid enough to fall for another avoidant? Lessons do get learned, the signs are now known.
He tried to triangulate me and his ex GF. Now that Im gone and found someone better days later, he doesnt hang out with his ex and I ignored him when he waved at me in passing. He's seen me happy with the new man. I'm guessing he's regretting. I could never go back to my illusion.
In a less dramatic situation (not the break up/leave, but more like an average conflict between two people), I think that mirroring the distance is not only giving the anxious more “attraction”, but more importantly, gives the avoidant space to reconsider their actions/words. And that gives both a chance to change the pattern in a longer run. It’s just one question remaining: will the avoidant be willing to take a deeper look into their mechanisms? Or will this become a regular wheel of argument/silence/making up/distance/argument/silence etc.
anxious person here. I'll point out that the death wheel you presented for anxious attachment is a bit shallow. maybe because you are an avoidant. there is more that goes into our thoughts than chasing the other person. the outward manifestation is deceiving
Curious to know the death wheel for the Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized Style? Both my husband and I are this style. I'm trying to learn our patterns, so I know how to help us become secure attachment styles?
Idk my exgf had an dismissive avoidant attachment because everything was amazing and we were each others’ best relationship. We broke up two times. I ended it the first time, her the last time and both times she reached out after our break ups. I’m glad I’ve gone through the experiences that brought me to become someone with a secure attachment style because both times she initiated contact. Call it pride, but even if it was a great relationship, someone with a dismissive avoidant style will sabotage it later in the future. I’m working towards a peaceful life and future, so I’ll protect it over someone who can’t figure their own life out. 🤷🏻♂️
They also skip stages. I’ve had DA who left and immediately started dating someone new like a house seller signing the all the contracts on their new house before the ink has dried on the house they sold.
If I could summarize everything said about the advice given for avoidants, it's that you must leave them, and detach if you want any hope of getting them back. Of course, the irony of that is once you leave and detach you won't want them anymore. So in reality, your best bet is to just stay away, and leave them. There's no winning in this scenario. Once you leave them, your entire life gets better. They will come crawling back months (or years) later, and they will look absolutely disgusting to you when they do it, and you'll question why you ever wanted this person. True story.
Thank you for this… it’s helping … I’m in the middle of no contact with my love- an avoidant… and I’m an anxious attacher.. and I’m fucking pining away trying SO hard to go no contact
Yes they make you hate them!!
Yes. So true.
@@arankagionetti2098Because they hate themselves. So they project.
@@arankagionetti2098 I realized recently that I can't think of him, someone I really adored, without the disgusted lip curl naturally occurring.
Overcomplicating personal relationship dynamics is a head case game that healthy mature people should not engage in.
Yeah exactly, thank you. If I need a master plan, for someone to be with me.
I better without them. Anyway, they arent worth so much effort anyway.
Because they where disrespectful and not value the relationship in first place.
True. Even when well intended there can be disastrous results. Pretending to have moved on quickly sounds really manipulative and if it involves a third party wouldn't it hurt that person as well? I think if talking things out to the best of your ability doesn't work you're probably just not compatible to begin with. Why pretend to have moved on? Why hurt other people in weaving such a web?
@@BlackWolf-gk8snI healed my avoidant partner by this stragedy. It took more than 3 years and was the hardest time in my life, but it worked. He is devoted to me. He adores me and admires me. But I don‘t want to be with him in 3D although I still love him more than anyone Else. The fear to turn him avoidant is to strong.
Read this comment and immediately stopped the video. It’s just pointless brainrot for people who want fancy therapyspeak to confirm their biases and delulu
no contact and showing like you are going out works
"become unavailable before they become unavailable" even if that's possible, then there's no point in all this
Exactly! In my experience it always happens in a matter of weeks, over literally nothing... Almost as if they fall in love with me first & before I even realise deep feelings are being created, they distance & /or disappear, like they're scared to be in love with me... So it gives me no chance to pull back first coz I'm still in the let's get to know each other as friends first stage
Exactly! My experience happened during the love bombing stage. I had no idea it was coming because I thought everything was good. I didn’t even know what an avoidant was at the time. So, there is no way I would have known to become unavailable first.
@@DeNyce- same here, I learnt about avoidants and emotional unavailable people after all this
@@fabiocosta3306 the point is it will be your call not theirs .. they will know you have the power to walk away and that you are confident on being on your own ..they will do their own thing but feel bad about why you left suddenly stead of you doing that thinking night and day pure madness! For them too..
@@DeNyce-exactly... It was an old friend that really hurt... Otherwise I would not be so involved at all
I’ve done this dozens of times. He acts distant, I end it, go no contact, focus on myself and move on. He comes crawling back. I set boundaries and voice my needs, he agrees to them and the honeymoon starts again. Sooner or later he sabotages us again so I walk away again. Cycle repeats.
@@lr7032 that’s all good as long as you don’t stop focusing on yourself.. sooner or later they do burnout of everything money friendships and work but you will keep shining brighter as long as you create a distance with boundaries..
Why would you put yourself through that dozens of times? No offense but that person is taking the piss out of you and you're allowing it, you're condoning their behaviours. Have to say I put up with that several times in my marriage before I went to a lawyer, and that was the end of that, my two kids were watching that shit play out. Know your own value.
@ true but sometimes is hard to let go of an addiction
It's time to move on now that you've identified this
End the cycle
So its all about them. They regret losing you. Not a word about "hey maybe i hurt this person by pushing them away". The regret is still about self interest.
Exactly. They come back with breadcrumbs and never with regret in how they treated or discarded you.
@@tucker8358 Here is a text I got 6 years later from a demon I was with for a year. After lying, cheating, distancing herself, and then tried to friend zone me I gave her an alright, and deleted on everything - no contact.
"I haven't felt anything was your fault. I handled it all poorly on my side. I've regretted how I acted for a long time. Been thinking over and over a lot today, so just wanted to add that I initially added you so that I could apologize and hopefully clear some air between us. One reason why I feel most at fault is because someone I casually dated over the summer prior got back in touch with me in the spring, and I wanted to date him. I should have been completely open and honest with you. I'm sorry. I have a toxic trait of wanting to always be in some kind of relationship and that came out a lot with you and him. I don't mean it's the only reason why I was so into you. You're an awesome guy and you keep it 100 even when you don't think so. If you have any questions now or in the future, I'll be here"
You keep on waiting because I ain't ever comin' back. 6 Years of being in the streets, thinking I would ever entertain that again. That is the mental state of these women, ego on another planet, delusional. If you really analyze her words, you can tell she is avoiding all accountability to how I was treated, and she's just looking for absolution.
Yep, agree 100%. They’re ridiculous.
They are narcissistic. Why is this evilness getting a downplayed word.
Talking about two different things with a lot of overlap. NPD is a personality disorder. Dismissive avoidant is an attachment style. Two different subjects. But both are TOXIC and ABUSIVE.
Who cares, just leave this person behind! You have to move on, no matter what. Avoidants are a waste of time, we need to be open for the ones that are willing to put the effort
The difference is how you feel. Moving on IS the right path either way. But leaving in time is easier being than being left especially if you know you give the other person a chance to learn from their mistakes and to heal themselves (If they do it or not is their responsibility).
this is not easy when you have deep feelings for the person. From the perspective of Zen I see your point, however I am still working on letting go.
@@beIETian You will have to decide what you are willing to tolerate. Don't let anyone else tell you what is right for you.
Yes
@@beIETianletting go physically or emotionally. Submission and acceptance are key to unlocking the avoidant.
I’m not available for avoidant games. I detached first and blocked. Nobody has time for childish games.
Here is a text I got 6 years later from a demon I was with for a year. After lying, cheating, distancing herself, and then tried to friend zone me I gave her an alright, and deleted on everything - no contact.
"I haven't felt anything was your fault. I handled it all poorly on my side. I've regretted how I acted for a long time. Been thinking over and over a lot today, so just wanted to add that I initially added you so that I could apologize and hopefully clear some air between us. One reason why I feel most at fault is because someone I casually dated over the summer prior got back in touch with me in the spring, and I wanted to date him. I should have been completely open and honest with you. I'm sorry. I have a toxic trait of wanting to always be in some kind of relationship and that came out a lot with you and him. I don't mean it's the only reason why I was so into you. You're an awesome guy and you keep it 100 even when you don't think so. If you have any questions now or in the future, I'll be here"
You keep on waiting because I ain't ever comin' back. 6 Years of being in the streets, thinking I would ever entertain that again. That is the mental state of these women, ego on another planet, delusional. If you really analyze her words, you can tell she is avoiding all accountability to how I was treated, and she's just looking for absolution. It has nothing to do with being sorry, its recognizing what she lost now is irreplaceable. Stay true to yourself always.
Exactly
@@Empress_Energyyy true
IF I HAVE TO STRETEGIZE SO MUCH, I DON'T WANT YOU. LOL SORRY, BABE. 😭
For real tho! Could’ve used all that brain power to get a degree or something else more useful. I’m not doing all of this to attract some person with an f-ed up personality 😭😭😭😭😭
True. The time is better spent talking things out with the right person.
I love how authentic you are guys
Facts
Your statement goes along perfectly with that Homer Simpson quote that got turned into a meme when he's trying to justify his terrible behavior. "Well excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on!" 🤪
Mine came back after a whole year leaving and having fun with other girls.
I forgave him, ask him to go to therapist together, try to be as soft and gentle as possible so he will not get triggered.
2 months later he treated me like I am a stupid annoying person (again) like he never begged for the second chance. I've heard many humiliating words from him, even more than people have ever said to me.
After two years of suffering now I realize the reason why God sent me him to my life so I can heal my anxiety. Now I feel more secure, less anxiety, have a good therapist and become better everyday.
We never leave anybody so we deserve someone who always stays and willing to learn together
We can go through it!
There is GAIN in that senseless pain. I’m a better person because I went through that abuse… true story ❤🙌🙏
I had them back but they just did the same thing again - discard. He is DA. This time they ghosted me after crumbing me for a few months after pulling away and deactivating initially. I’m just leaving them alone. I’m not going to play stupid games. They don’t want to be with me or lost love for me so why chase someone that was easy and willing to let you go so easily?
The only thing to do is to detach and let go and don’t look back. Even if they do come back they will do the same thing again and/or the discard will be more brutal.
Same it was horrible few months but I’m free now not answering him as lonely I feel and still wondering why he treated me so bad I know it wasn’t me but damn they leave u with broken pieces only you can put together don’t depend on others people take kindness for weakness unfortunately stay strong move on keep ur self busy
Good you share a testimony of a case where they came back and share what they did, at least it makes it easier to let go of the hope of they coming back since they would do the same. Shameful people and what a disgrace, giving all my heart to her to be walked over it like a piece of 💩
@@SnivelakFilms yes you don’t want them back. They just do the same thing to you and they haven’t changed and can be worse as they get older too. They give lip service to being changed and self reflection. It’s not true. I can only guess only 0.1% of these dismissive avoidants will take the necessary step to change. It’s just easier for them to blame the other person and not themselves and continue discarding people in a search for the unrealistic and illusiive “right” person for them.
Amen!
This definitely works. I didn't know about attachment styles at that time, it just came naturally to me - you ghost me, don't treat me right, I'm gone. No long paragraphs, no explanation, nothing. He never fully got over it. What that experience taught me as an anxious person - more independence, not solely focus on romantic relationship but maintain balance in all areas of my life. I became more sufficient, learned to soothe my own deep traumas and fears, not to suffocate another person with attention as a part of control because I was cheated on, lied to in my previous relationships prior to meeting that person. You can find positives in everything if you willing to look deep enough and also take accountability for your part played in that dynamic.
Well said!!! 🎉🎉🎉❤
Agree 100% 🙏
Think of a relationship with an avoidant as a cat chasing a lazer pointer. You will never full grasp what you are longing for with them, no one is worth that trouble. Stay true to yourself and your person will come even if it may not seem plausible now.. Usually when you least expect it!! Do yourselves a favor move on, fall in love with yourself. God will let someone who won't take your love for granted into your life. Amen and take care.
Very well put.
This is amazing advice and so true about how it’s like the cat chasing the laser!
Let them go. If they only need you once you are doing fine - think about the future, when youll be facing difficulties & problems in your life, and they wont offer support because they dont need you when you need them.
You dont need this kind of person, its going to be hell because theyre not trustworrhy.
Or worse you are always there and when you get sick they leave you or they always avoid you and suddenly they get sick you must take care of them forever when they never gave you that much time!
@@luiscaceres-qk4yk Exactly. If someone only comes back once youre independant and happy and you had to regain your strenght without them being present and heal your own wounds, and they come back because they see youre happy again - theyre straight up an energy vampire. They just need your good feeling vibes to feed on thats all.
Exactly!! 💯👌🏼😎
My lord!! Has modern dating really come to this..all these games! Exhausting.
Sure is. Too much technology and social media and cell addictions ruined our brains 🤪
It has, and I for one am 36 years old and STILL can't find someone because it's all games, games, games. Like I'm not perfect by any means, but I at least bothered to grow up.
If you love a person who is avoidantly attached information like this might help you navigate the dynamic. It’s not game plating to be aware of triggers and subconscious behaviour, it’s all very human.
It is exhausting really. After a horrible experience with my avoidant ex, I start to think dating isn't worth it...
@@norswil8763Love is not worth this bullshit. Have self love instead. Love yourself.
I've been really hurt by someone like this for a few years now, it's draining to be honest, best to leave avoidants alone forever.
Yep. Never forget - Avoidants (and narcissists) are "net takers".
True
How do you deal that?
Yes once you get healthy you won't chase them...
@@angelatripp5049 did he reach you now?
I realise individual circumstances between a couple in this scenario can vary to no end, but no matter what goes on in a relationship with an avoidant, ultimately the avoidant is always the one in control, intentionally or unintentionally and irrespective of whether or not either person realises it. The only time the non-avoidant will ever truly be in control, is when they finally have enough of the mind and emotional fuckery and leave the relationship - permanently. Doing so, (and sticking to it) gives the non-avoidant total control - that being, the only true kind of control anyone ever has - control over themselves.
Who has time to play games with these giant toddlers?
Avoidant gets "positive" label as "dismissive avoidant" although they have similar traits of a narcissist, but why do we give them such a royal treatment for their narcissistic behavior? RUN
Exactly 💯. They are narcissistic. There is no cure. Ever! They have no empathy. They are evil.
Why would anyone want to get a dismissive avoidant back? To suffer their mistreatment all over again? Do people really have that much hope that they can change? Seriously, ONE single bout with these types and you get vaccinated - you've seen them all.
It's hard when you fall in love with one and it blinds you to their red flags. I still have a soft spot for them as besides this one flaw, they're not bad people.
@@commenter30 I see your point as I, too, have fallen in love with one of them back when I didn't know attachment theory. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life. They are like a mirage - wonderful up until you get close, unfortunately. Relationship: Impossible :(
I also think there is also where we fail ourselves, why would we self abandon ourselves, they are not bad people just children in relationships
@@ThevanillaX Exactly! Most of them are diligent workers and even ethical humans. They are just meant to be alone, is all.
@@VampyressVAso true they are meant to be alone and they enjoy that too.. we are the one who suffered
My only regret was I did not detach first. They discarded me first while I did see all the signs that they were not emotionally available, but again the hot & cold dynamic.
why would you regret that? You didn't know they would ghost you till after the fact.
@ there were signs of detachment before ghosting
This is the best comment thread on a video i've ever seen, and its only 7hours into being uploaded. Way to freaking go Chris for waking people up to this and just be a healthy and mature adult and avoid people with these mind games!
I told them to stop devaluing me, with dismissive comms. Rather than say ok I'll look at my communication & be more mindful about it they left, taking zero accountability for their actions. & yet I had been expected to tailor my communication around them. To suit them.
All about them. So unnatractive but entirely a fear indicator. So I just let them go.
Bye....
They're so illogical & I hate how others blame them being avoidant's coz of this wound & that wound, did these people not learn how to treat other people? Or about respect & awareness?
Unless ur clinically insane, there's just no mental disorder that can justify the lack of those things mentioned
Don’t wait until you think the avoidant will feel regret. Walk away now.
I don’t have time for someone else’s dysfunctional behavior. I tap out quick.
This is too much work for someone who really just needs therapy. Im 4 months post breakup. I just dont see a future with her unless she has some sort of epiphany and works on herself. I have no problem finding someone else who may be more fitting. Its sad but it is what it is.
I sent him a message telling him he needed to seek therapy and that his behaviour is toxic , boring and unattractive…
There is no therapy for narcissist. They are evil. Study narcissistic instead of this word for sensitive people called avoidant.
What’s the point? So what if they feel regret or not? This model doesn’t show if they ever regret the loss enough to get help. They just keep the wheel going whether or whenever you leave.
They may feel regret the first time they leave. My ex apparently felt that as they expressed it at the beginning of our reconnection. Unfortunately it’s all just words as they just go through the whole process again and discard you all over again. I’m going through recovery from the second breakup with them. My ex is DA.
I’m not chasing them there is no point - it will just end the same again.
I’ve just come to the conclusion that they come back when they don’t have anyone else at that point in time to give them validation. It’s never love for them. I don’t think my ex ever loved me at all - just the fantasy idea of love and hence why they find it so easy to discard making us replaceable.
@@petitcoeur-q6r Mine came back to regain control over her life after she got SAed by a f**k buddy, and then when I mentioned it, she tried using a completely different SA story to try to make me feel bad. Like if you're going to cry victim, at least keep your story straight. All they care about is them, their self-soothing, their control, their childish whims and needs. There's no room for anyone else.
@@kateaghaghiri2968 whether they regret or not, it's up to you to choose what you want. Will you be their wheel victim or will you find a healthy partner?
Luckily, I knew about attachment styles. Figured it out after 3 dates, couldn't get away fast enough. Too old for games.
Well, becoming distant for us first is pretty impossible and also pointless. If that's the only way to "win them back" then I don't want them back.
Great profound content as always.
I am the anxious who goes as we speak through the pulling away phase and it is so painful. I watch this video with deep respect but also deep sadness - When did love become such a game of strategies and charts?
I am anxious but at 43 I am an expert at managing it and sometimes hide it from partners, BUT it hurts the same -
Deep down I feel so passive, dragged for a ride out of my control just like you say, Chris... this is agonizing, and actually triggers my deepest trauma, the waiting game for my dad to come back after abandoning me, prove he thought of me while gone, and the I am not forgettable... these emotions flood me to the core when trying to win the love of an avoidant,
even if on the surface I perfectly mirror them, Still - If I win them with these strategies it just feels like a game,
because I know - Being MYSELF and authentic is unloved by them, I can tolerate their huge mess, but they cannot handle mine, and they leave. I am in therapy for years and can't say it works regarding this huge topic. I trying the hardest to become more secure in many ways.
I am just so sad, I feel like giving up, I feel like no one stays, no one loves me for the true vulnerable me.
This resonates with me SOO much. As a 43 yr old Anxious Attacher with serious Abandonment Issues, dating a Dismissive Avoidant since early July… we’ve been split the past 3 weeks yet he is still somewhat in contact & it’s been so triggering for me never know IF or when I’ll hear from him or see him again… it’s emotional torture and I’ve had more panic attacks in the past 3 months than the past 3 years combined. Thank u for sharing.
After way too many years with an avoidant, I finally met a secure type and what a difference! No games, no disappearing, no lame excuses why they can’t show up, you can actually make plans that happen, there’s a chance things can progress instead of never going anywhere.
Relating shouldn’t be so hard. I think avoidants can’t stop themselves from pulling away. They don’t seem to understand the pain it causes an anxious type or that they are sabotaging the relationship.
There are secure types out there ladies, you probably just have to do a lot more shopping. And suffer through the separation anxiety of leaving the avoidant. Don’t give up hope. Visualize what you want and believe you can have it. It may just come in a different package than you expected.
Wow this part of the comments hit different...it's like 43 years is a magic number 😅 you get to meet your avoidant and go through triggers and traumas. It's also very growth inducing. I feel like I emotionally matured at a rapid rate..! I had to ,had no choice❤
I will know I'm healthy when I no longer try to attach to avoidants. I know I need to withhold my love until I know what I'm truly dealing with. I need to learn to expect my needs to be met and not be willing to give without receiving.
I just discovered I am a FA in therapy. I used to be secure until I dealt with a narcissist. 🙃 fun times.... Good luck to you!!! ❤
They are emotionally damaged. It's not worth the fight... they are sick and stuck
This isn't very good psychological advice,these seem like just manipulation tactics to get caught in a toxic loop of push pulling instead of problem solving. Why is the advice to become more avoidant and cold before your partner does?
Honestly, I wish he was more explicitly clear about how to do this in a non-manipulative way. In my experience as an anxious with my avoidant partner, we had a major breakthrough when I actually, authentically acted as though I was willing to potentially lose our relationship if she didn't change one particular behavior. Ironically, when I was confident enough to risk losing her, she willingly agreed to make the change and even thanked me for the way I made the request several times in the weeks and months afterwards.
No. Because you can only keep the avoidant when you play according to their rules. So you have to deny and suppress your own needs for connection. Just avoid them if you are not an avoidant yourself. Otherwise you will have a lonely and miserable life with them. Don't ever think that you can change them... You will lose your precious time and youth on them!
Because it's terrible advice and he doesn't actually understand psychology. Because he is a pickup artist.
@@StevensJams that´s a completely different topic though. that´s the right way to go but it´s about you valuing yourself and being willing to let go of a toxic relationship so your partner has to do their part or let go, this video is basically about you changing yourself into faking and supressing your feelings and becoming more avoidant yourself or putting up an act to manipulate your partner. if your avoidant partner had been triggered and escaped the relationship after your change in attitude which is basically a coin flip on if they are ready to put their part or act on ther triggered side, you would have benn left in a shit situation instead of with a strong self of self worth
@@M.M-t6u yea its true, but avoidant with avoidant is only a shallow convenient relationship because neither will work on true emotinoal depth, i think the best advice is to work on your security yourself and be there for your partner if they want to work on themselves. and if they are not willing, then part of your own growth and security is letting go of them
How do you spot avoidants from the beginning. I mean they are so emotionally available, there for you, loveable, caring people in the beginning. I would never have guessed mine was an avoidant the first few months. I don't ever want to go through this again. Ever!!!!
You can read the book "attached" by Amir Levine
Same 😢 i realised it 4 months later and he always had valid reasons for why he disappears ! It’s the first time I’ve let it slide.. i think we should’ve tap out when they show us signs of fear and running away from something !
Mine had quite obvious signs… he was not really into hugs (when we first were friends) and when started dating he would never talk about feelings and he was not really into kissing… meaning he would never come by and kiss me with intention out of love. Kissing was always about sex. And sometimes not even that.
They tend to jump out the bed as soon as they finished sex to “cleanse” but they mostly do that to cut the loving - intimacy atmosphere afterwards…
I used to have more of these but I guess I have been forgetting about how he was. Luckily
@@PandolfoCarla that is freakin awful. I hope you are not even in contact with him anymore. That is low. But when we are in it, we are still trying to make out heads and tails. Hindsight hits hard.
Mine was extremely loveable. But it was like I had to "teach him" about adult love, relationships, communication and that not all conflict was bad. But he had an intense need for attention and validation. I was constantly drained. And that also meant that he was easily influenced. It was like he was just floating through life - unbothered. He tried to do all these "adult" things (I mean he is turning 50!!!). And one day all his stress got too much. We had a stupid disagreement. Poof gone is Puffy the dragon. Just like that. Disappears for a whole weekend (3rd time doing that). Comes back, watches his sport like nothing ever happened. Only difference was, I did not accept the way things were done. He expected me to apologies like always, and I didn't. Three days later he could not handle me not communicating like always.....moved out.
But there is more....he doesn't move all his stuff at one time. Three different occasions where he comes around for stuff that he could not move already, and counting...... He has A LOT of ex girlfriends that he keeps contact with. I did not tolerate it in our relationship. An ex is an ex for a reason. Read somewhere they keep these string of exes to have all these "open doors" for future validation and possible "one nighters". They still want to feel wanted, and not to feel so guilty. It might hurt like hell at the moment, but he has got a big surprise coming....I don't do exes, neither friendships with them.
I don’t think you can usually… they can be so charming and attentive at first.
I accidentally ignored her for a day because I didn't get any messages notifications , and she quickly but subtly changed how she messages me, but as soon as I showed interest she went back to her old self
The only solution for your relationship, is her willingness to change and take therapy with a good psychologist . It’s time and money investment . If she doesn’t want … no point to fight this relationship
That's how it goes. She's uncertain, keeping you in a spot that's not too far and not too close. She's the one playing games and she can't help it.
Ridiculous. What an exhausting life to live…
This can really backfire too..from my experience. Cuz after some time, they lose interest in being confused on where they stand with you/how you really feel about them.
Basically at some point they wont tolerate the mixed messaging, (that they also serve.. 🤦♀️)
This is so toxic! It’s seems like great advice IF you know you’re dealing with an avoidant, and you want to continue in that toxicity. If you’ve never dealt with an avoidant before, how would you ever be able to process the idea of timing of giving space to them, especially when prior relationships wanted more closeness. Bottom line, it seems EVERYONE needs to heal their attachment style, and that takes commitment from all sides. Thinking it’s always up to the anxious or secure person to accommodate the avoidant is so ridiculous. Working on oneself is the key to creating a healthy relationship! A willingness to look at oneself is a must regardless of secure, anxious, avoidant, or mixed. I’m grateful for my interaction with that avoidant in my life, bc it forced me to look at myself. Hopefully he does the same
Dito. I've gone from a fearful to more secureattachment. I miss him like crazy and still stalk his page to cure my curiosity .i give it a month max before I'm completely bored of that, but in my mind if I'm truthful i have no space in my life for him, I'm actually turned off him segually and it will never be the same and won't work unless he wants it to.. it's a win win if he doesn't want me back .. I'm improved version of me , so the next man will reap the benefits .. now i have a name for these styles and patterns i can spot the red or green 💚 flags sooner❤
What are the chances that you become avoidant yourself if you mirror? Wouldn't a secure person just let sleeping dogs lie? If you just do your best to move on, the avoidant comes back, and you get back together, aren't you training yourself to become avoidant?
I do agree that longing is not regret. If they appear to go back into fantasy mode and you need an adult conversation you'll be in for a disappointment.
No, why would that happen? Ur not catching corona off the person😂
It's a whole mindset so no u wouldn't just become an avoidant after intentionally acting like one for 1 person, unless ur mind is so weak... U don't see actors playing a role then somehow becoming their character for the rest of their life
@@EspritArkitektof course people can change their attachment style! A lot of people are avoidants because they have been hurt by avoidants themselves!
Cool, so many games though I don’t think it’s healthy for anyone to engage in these mind games in their personal relationships. If you’re seeking a relationship and it turns into this cat and mouse game, do yourself a favor and walk away.
Yes. A securely attached person wouldn't be playing these games. It sounds like a game of avoidant vs avoidant.
@@olive4naito it is 100% an avoidant vs avoidant game occurring at that point. Which is a losing game for all parties involved if BOTH are not willing to work toward becoming securely attached and fixing their connection. It sounds like the most non peaceful relationship you could have. No thanks.
This is way too much hassle for someone who just can't let go of their control complex and enter into a relationship in good faith and for the right reasons. If I have to become a strategy master to keep you around, you aren't worth my time.
@Alixir1228 I can only speak for myself, but this is something that I put a great deal of effort into healing. I gently bring it up if I feel like I'm being controlled or if I feel out of control myself, but I don't sit there planning an exit and putting all this energy into laying and springing this sort of trap for someone.
@@cornwallismorgan874me too. The avoidant mkes me feel controlled.
@@ImpulsoCreativo9322 Ditto. I don't have any desire to deal with that.
I surprised my avoidant last week with a no-contact.
He'd withhold his attention towards me and often enjoyed acting mysteriously.
He completely refused to meet for a date but would ensure we meet 'coincidentally' in the places where I'm attending events.
Shockingly he has always been on his keyboard chatting info about himself and brief lovey dovey.
Quite inconsistent words vs actions.
It's not easy to leave an avoidant since they are not quite rough like narcissists. They act cool unless you push them hard.
It has taken me years to realize avoidant attachment .
I feel you. Mines about the same. I just told her how I felt and she dimissed it. I just ignored her and paid her no attention. I think she tried to get my attention by interaction with others by her laughter and acting like she wasn't affected. But I knew her laughter was fake and forced. It isn't her authentic self.
@@eugenechan6048 they're life distractors. They waste your time, emotions and energy acting like they have potential to be life's companion
Just keep in mind: sometimes people just aren't interested, it doesn't mean they are avoident. They might avoid you, because you make a move on them and they aren't into you.
The only problem we have is they are better off rejecting and breaking up with us than putting us in emotional turmoil
So true. If someone gets broken up with or rejected, the dumper is always an "avoidant". Just like anyone else, when an avoidant is interested, they're not going to just let you go.
They just need to tell a person that they aren’t interested. Its simple. To play games is very immature and a waste of time.
No DAs follow patterns. It isn't just a short relationship where someone isnt interested. @Warrior_Princess_1111
Amen
I don’t play games. I just let my avoidant be. I can’t change her, I simply accept her for who she is. As long as she’s honest is all that matters.
I already know if we break up we’ll be friends. That’s unconditional love and true friendship.
@@osmetix I thought this too in my 2 year relationship with my FA. I gave unconditional love and accepted the way he is. Until, he told me he was going to spend a week with another woman. He never even spent 2 days in a row with me. We were exclusive for our 2 years together.
I’m done.
@@kateaghaghiri2968 I’m so sorry. I’m sure once we end things I may have another point of view. If she was to do that to me I’d feel that way too.
Just remember they owe us nothing. Self soothe and learning to love one’s self more than the other is my strife.
@@kateaghaghiri2968 I'm so sorry to hear that. That must have hurt a lot.
I have been offering friendship to my FA man. I am a recovering FA , too, so I know fully well his behavior. But ,he's rejecting even friendship.
@@kateaghaghiri2968wtf? Where did this other woman even come from & why was he so blaze telling u about it?
This is where I'm at right now. No longer attached to what is past.
Excellent and deep analysis. I liked the video. You can be with avoidant ONLY if she/he understood past breakups , and is willing to do therapy and trying his/her best for you.
If she/he doesn’t want to have a therapist , doesn’t understand his past breakups and do not want improve for your relationship.. leave . Waste of time
I mean, it's good and all , but why would I want my avoidant ex to feel regret or longing? What's the objective here?
The objective being getting back into contact or getting back together
They choose not to accommodate the other persons needs for a equal partnership
That's all well and good for someone not already broken up with- kind of irrelevant to most in the audience.
why are we trying to cause pain to the avoidant.. make them regret?? both avoidant and anxious can heal towards secure. it’s about knowing your attachment style healing it and communicating your needs with your partner.
Absolutely.
sometimes if not most of the time avoidants refuse to "heal" according to them, it makes zero sense to expose their emotions and then feel vulnerable, they ask, what for? they fear rejection and abandonment or even past trauma, they've learned to supress their emotions from an early age, they're not even concious about this, it's a defense mechanism used by their brain.
Mirroring is the signature of the narcissist.
I don't want her to feel regret, I just want her to not have to fight her own negative thoughts every waking moment :(
I get it, but how is she supposed to grow if she doesn’t face her own problems and negative thoughts?
Oh stop feeling bad for her that’s what she wants. She wants those bad thoughts
I came to this video in search of some type of clarity. My boyfriend is an avoidant and he is now what I call stonewalling me for no apparent reason. This is the 2nd time in a year and one month that we’ve been together that he’s done this. My avoidant is different… one minute I think he is dismissive and then the other times I think he is fearful avoidant. I have an anxious attachment. my avoidant partner never tells me that he loves me, but he shows me. We don’t spend a lot of time together because he works two full-time jobs but when we are together, he makes me feel loved. 2 days ago he just quit talking. We wasn’t arguing. We hadn’t had a disagreement. He just stopped talking. I’m so hurt because it’s driving me crazy but at the same time I’m giving him space. I don’t think that I can deal with this type of dynamic in a relationship. I was single for seven years before I meant him and so was he. We both have had our hearts crushed by previous experiences. I am a good person. And I consider myself the prize. I have a genuine heart that loves from deep within. I feel like he’s going through something that doesn’t have anything to do with me but the way he’s going about doing it. I just don’t like. I know that he will contact me when he’s ready but now I’m having second thoughts about this whole relationship. 😭😭😭😭 thank you for this content. I’m learning a lot.
Leave them. They are a pain in the ass
Summary: they are avoidant, so run as fast as you can. Freedom!!!! ❤❤❤❤❤❤
Never again w a dismissive avoidant
I wonder why us anxious people never meet each other 😅
@farhioyusuf2643 hmm perhaps we're too busy chasing avoidants?
All of this revolves around avoiding emotional responsibility
As a someone who only got a phone 18 months ago. I recently received an exit message , after an 8 month bumpy liaison initiated by him. The message was to me self soothing , but dressed up unconvincingly with apologies & regret for his poor behaviour. Also full of compliments my way. I felt it was coming anyway , but let him explain himself. It was feeble & mostly feeling sorry for himself. I wished him well, asked him why it took so long, and then I let it go. Figured I didn't want to waste any more energy on someone who can't talk things through maturely, in person. He sent a " final "open ended message back, not even finished. Sounding like he was feeling hopeless and fed up with his life. No pressure. How sad, but you can see this is what makes people reach out sometimes , on a purely human level. Not because they are desperate or anxious.
This was an amazing video! I appreciate how detailed you are in your research, graphics and explanations. You do a fantastic job Sir, so hats off to you! ❤
Really? Why won't he use the real word. Narcissist.
And then the cycle happens all over again when the victim detaches and stops caring.
I feel I’ve experienced this and got more affection and interests from him but a few days later when I interact with him, he’s back to his normal.
I did so , we had argument for not being honest , then we had a good next day , in the day after i got blocked everywhere.
Who has time or energy to deal with this nonsense! This is madness! Even if you get this kind of person back it’s gonna be like walking a tight rope. Who want to live like this he needs deep therapy and so do us anxious ones. I want a fulfilling life not this nuttiness.
Seems pretty desperate. So the idea is that you pulled away/ditch them before they do. And all of this in order to invoke feelings within them. Perhaps it’s more wise to find someone who would not require such emotional gymnastics.
I’m sorry I love my ex unconditionally but I’m not becoming unavailable first . I am the dork with a big heart that would never do that I have more respect for myself even if I could go back I wouldn’t do that bc she’s not liking me for me it’s sad people would been themselves like a pretzel I regret reaching out twice but at least I can say I’ve been me and now it’s looking after me and my mental health if not her then better x
@@ge0rgialiv you're becoming emotionally unhealthy. Seems you're unconscious of it
So hilarious! Ex and I broke up last month for the third time. Always the same we’re great together, our kids get along it always seems like a great relationship. The threat of intimacy happens and she bounces. Both the last two times I intrinsically mirrored and detached first. As soon as that was proven to her she bread crumbs me until we’re back together, I’m doing everything I can to be secure, pray and decide as this cycle repeats how I’m going to break it, either way. Together or not, it needs to break. Video completely is completely valid.
My avoidant is also on the spectrum which makes all of this bs the same but on steroids. I am so exhausted. I guess I like a challenge and I like having to solve puzzles -- all that stuff. But this is just too much.
I am 70% secure, 30%FA. My ex FA monkey branched to another over a year ago. He wanted to be friends. Ha ha. Nope. I let him go without drama. NC forever for me. I don’t want him back. I continue to do inner work and have healed. Never again.
@@Flufero23 I left my dismissive avoidant three weeks ago, after being treated like I’m just a person who exist for months upon end. What makes it hard as I do have a child with her and when I go to visit them at a park, there’s literally no words between me and her. I do ask out of respect how she doing because she is the mother of my child, but she will with a vague answer. It sucks, but it’s not good for our mental health neither
@@xOFFtheCUFFI feel you. Perhaps you two could co-parent for the child’s sake. Perhaps you could consider therapy with or without her in navigating co-parenting.
@@Flufero23 definitely thank you. I’m going to Hawaii, but my folks and take it easy.🌺😊
@@xOFFtheCUFF You’re welcome. Enjoy your visit.
Thank you. This kind of stuff helps me because my husband is an anxious avoidant. I don't leave his sorry *ss because we own homes and a business together. If we separated he would destroy me financially. All my idea and all my hard work. He has always been character assassinating me behind the scenes so with business, everybody only wants to deal with him. So here I sit stuck in the relationship. Being the good woman not having another man in my life. It is a life sentence of hell.
Some people need these videos because some people like me are financially stuck with one of these people. Ugh. Yes, these people are worthless. These people should all be stuck together to live with each other on an island.
How do you communicate your emotional detachment in no contact if they never reach out, it sounds kind of stupid to reach out to them saying hey I just called to say I moved on. And more so, what’s the point of all this if you’ve really moved on? Why disrupt the death wheel to get them back if you don’t want them anymore?
Them coming back is a long shot. It is more likely they just aren't that into you. I think he's wrong in saying avoid them BEFORE they avoid you. That is unhealthy, in my opinion. But if they go silent and don't come back with an apology for and clarification of their silence then let them go. For your sanity and no other reason. No ulterior motives. I hate games. This video shines a light on the dysfunctional pattern that hurts us.
I'm glad I found this video, now I understand what's really going on between me and my Ex, we've been in this cycle for 2 years. I tried so hard to fix us and she decided to fully give up on me yesterday, but she also wants to stay friends with me by saying "I will always be your friend after all this", "please don't take it away" and not blocking me, but right now I'm trying to get the strength to love myself and fully remove myself from her life. She's not willing to communicate her feelings to me and hid most of it til she finally decided she doesn't want to try and work on our relationship. I feel like nothing again and it hurts so much because she was everything to me.
We were both lost on our own struggles. I still love her, I wish her all the best. But now I'm giving up too on what we had.
block her because she will try to manipulate you again
@RobertoTrajkovski I blocked her before I commented on this, but thank you.
Holy shit! I love how in dept this is! Thank you! As an anxious, this is so true. No wonder I’m stuck.
Moral of the story: Dont play their games
Sounds tiring, I may not involve myself.
Same
To what end.
This totally reminded me of a 5 year on/off relationship I had in the early 2000's. I deeply loved him, but every time things were going great and I was feeling like we were stable, he'd suddenly "never want to see you again," out of the blue for no visible reason. I don't know how many times we got back together, but looking back, I realize he had absolutely no concern for how much pain he put me through every time he dumped me. Finally, I moved from England back to the States. If he wanted to get back together now, I'd tell him to pound sand.
Coming up to 6 months of total no contact. Nothing at all from her. I have given up hope but I am having trouble moving on.
Whether a dismissive-avoidant is doing it intentionally or unconsciously is irrelevant to the fact that they're being total control freaks in the situation. Does that instantly make them bad people? No absolutely not. But with that being said it doesn't make what they are doing any less damaging or obnoxious. The non anxious or non avoidant partner is being made to jump through rings of fire of conditions the avoidant makes up on the spot and in turn you always have this moving goal post to chase after. Which is just unfair and kind of draining after a awhile. Patience is a virtue but patience is also finite let's not forget...
unconsciously?
10000%!!! Exhausting people. They don’t have the ability to just say what they want and communicate like an adult.
@@Bbouy1HD Yep. It's so subconscious it's unconscious.
Thank you brother ! This totally explains my last relationship 2 breakups of 1 week apart :
So the first time she broke up with me and I was like "Okay" then she called me back a day later saying how she cried all night saying "I might have made the worst mistake of my life"
I told her let's take a week to think about it and give me space, she agreed but continued to text me from time to time so I got attached again...
Then the week ended and after all those texts I still wanted her so we decide to meet and she broke up with me AGAIN with some BS excuse "you deserve better than what I can give you" (They ALL say that, it's just a lie brother)
I then proceeded to contact her friends and family showing up at her door, doing EVERYTHING to realize why she changed, but eventually got hit with "now I know I've made the right decision"
This made me learn that the best way to handle a break up is the redpill advice "I wish you the best, take care"
Lovely as it was, I dumped my avoidant 3 months in and the first time she shut down emotionally. I have zero tolerance for these people.
Funny thing though, two days later I get an email where she’s dumping me and blaming me for ruining our relationship with a very lame reason.
I’m guessing that was her attempt at wrestling control of the breakup.
The next day she canceled our non refundable flights for an overseas trip, they were in her credit card so her loss, I was paying the accommodation. Both these actions were clearly desperation yet the deed had already been done, she’d been dumped for the first time in her life. Imagine that for a moment.
My husband dumped me and dumped all his exes... I told him he's never felt what it's like to be dumped.. I hope one day he does, it's brutal.
@@palmiccz ….i would have done whatever I had to do to help her heal and grow, just that generally speaking that inability to self reflect, take personal responsibility and ‘do the work’ causes them tremendous misery. I know, I was married to one for 12 years and I still remain close to her after all these years. Nothing has ever changed for her, only got harder.
@@wizardofaus2985 ….i get that. Do what I’m doing, learn all you can so as to avoid the avoidant in future. At least this latest one I felt very secure and had very strong boundaries in place so walked away the moment I saw she wouldn’t take responsibility. Not easy but absolutely necessary.
@@cspace1234nzwhat kind of "human" r u married to, if in 12 yrs she's incapable of reflection?? That sounds like lack of character & conscientiousness.
Any human who doesn't grow with time, something seriously wrong
@@EspritArkitekt …if you’re going to comment get it right. I wrote ‘self reflection’, not “reflection”.
Big difference.
Less than 4 minutes in, it seems like this is how fearful avoidants are born.
IF they don't know they need a woman, then they do not need a woman period. Thanks for the video; I summed it up for everyone to save you time and energy.
Guys, mirroring is not a long term strategy. Show them how you expect to be treated and see if they can deliver. That’s it.
Your analysis and presentation of the facts and may be situations are awesome and makes you different from other kove gurus who just only talks and talks randomly without any facts check up
Avoidants usually give me the ICK! I told him if i knew you were an avoidant from the start we wouldn’t be here today! I fell for the secure amazing man who was sure about me.. i can’t even hate him because he breaks no contact and apologise but the last time he acknowledged that it’s best if i forget him he’s not ready.. so i had to mirror that saying i wanna be single too i didn’t ask to be your GF 😊 then ghosted him back. It hurts tho but i had to walk away despite the fact he’s still spying my socials. I choose my peace ✌🏻
in control?
and there is me thinking that couples need to strive for connection instead of control🤔
I was called a “complication” by the man I was dating and he started to pull away. I’m normally a bit on the anxious side. This time I was so pissed off that I broke up with him before he could with me. I have gone no contact and I seriously doubt he’ll come back. Even if he does, I don’t want him.
But how can this be done practically in an day to day relationship with an avoidant? Would you tell them you’re giving them the silent treatment before they can say it to you? Would you have to be super detached the whole relationship, okay with leaving and ready to leave emotionally at any moment? That doesn’t very bonded or intimate
On round 10 with mine of 9 years. Finally was purposed to in September and lived back together for a year, he already wants the ring back and to move out. Sad I knew when he purposed that I would probably never see us get married. You really never know when your last day with them is gonna be and it always leaves you blindsided as if you shouldn’t already be used to it. It’s usually when you feel pretty safe.
I actually go back-and-forth between an anxious and an avoidant attachment style so it’s pretty easy for me to mirror and avoidant
3months later, this girls is now asking me out on a date. I can just tell she never worked / even cared to change for the better. I can't even believe i fell for her once...never again😂
We don't actually find out they are avoidants till they start the ghosting and pulling back, so how do we leave first? Or do you think we are stupid enough to fall for another avoidant? Lessons do get learned, the signs are now known.
I agree
In a nutshell, leave the avoidant first.
He tried to triangulate me and his ex GF. Now that Im gone and found someone better days later, he doesnt hang out with his ex and I ignored him when he waved at me in passing. He's seen me happy with the new man. I'm guessing he's regretting. I could never go back to my illusion.
Great breakdown and explanation 👌🏾
So if you try to get back with them when they come back then they are gone for good ?
In a less dramatic situation (not the break up/leave, but more like an average conflict between two people), I think that mirroring the distance is not only giving the anxious more “attraction”, but more importantly, gives the avoidant space to reconsider their actions/words. And that gives both a chance to change the pattern in a longer run. It’s just one question remaining: will the avoidant be willing to take a deeper look into their mechanisms? Or will this become a regular wheel of argument/silence/making up/distance/argument/silence etc.
anxious person here. I'll point out that the death wheel you presented for anxious attachment is a bit shallow. maybe because you are an avoidant. there is more that goes into our thoughts than chasing the other person. the outward manifestation is deceiving
Curious to know the death wheel for the Fearful-Avoidant/Disorganized Style? Both my husband and I are this style. I'm trying to learn our patterns, so I know how to help us become secure attachment styles?
Idk my exgf had an dismissive avoidant attachment because everything was amazing and we were each others’ best relationship. We broke up two times. I ended it the first time, her the last time and both times she reached out after our break ups. I’m glad I’ve gone through the experiences that brought me to become someone with a secure attachment style because both times she initiated contact. Call it pride, but even if it was a great relationship, someone with a dismissive avoidant style will sabotage it later in the future. I’m working towards a peaceful life and future, so I’ll protect it over someone who can’t figure their own life out. 🤷🏻♂️
They also skip stages. I’ve had DA who left and immediately started dating someone new like a house seller signing the all the contracts on their new house before the ink has dried on the house they sold.