I am not a psychologist but from what I've read, a lot of these Cluster B disorders overlap which makes it hard for even the trained professionals to nail down.
@nimbleneedle Sorry to hear you had to go through this. I wouldn't blame you because I myself had hoped to try to work things out. Thank goodness that Dr C is online because his videos have helped me regain sanity. Please take solace in that all the garbage you've experienced is not about you. The person you were dealing with is clearly broken.
wifferste There are very common words and sentences that they use to spot them. 1. Be very careful if they namecall you: If they say you are crazy, lunatic, psycho, paranoid 2. Do as I say, obey me 3. You never apologize (although you know that you do) 4. You are a toxic and controlling person (no you are NOT!) 5. This is irrelevant, you don’t understand, you are not able to tell what you want to say Never ever give your power to someone else! Listen to your gutt and stay away from people who try to take you down constantly even if they are narcissistic or not.
Even some cluster c might overlap with cluster B. All you need to know: if the behavior, mood, is inconsistent, keep distance from such persons. Their nuttiness is infectious sometimes. Keep your sanity intact. They need your help, but you're not a doctor. They need an expert.
nimbleneedle I don’t believe it’s faked. I do this. It’s more along the lines with not knowing myself so when I go in one direction i really go hard. Not meaning to. I catch myself a lot more often these days especially since now that I know what’s going on. And especially when i do meth. And I have to pull myself back. But then I’m in a battle in my own mind where my brain won’t shut off.... with alcohol I just let myself be free. And can be pretty happy but those around me aren’t ever happy unless they are also drunk. And even then, I push my want of being accepted on others and when they let me in i over show my emotions. And the drunk rage is what scares me. I can’t control that me much. Honestly, I wish a bullet would strike me dead. Would save me from feeling this way and save others from dealing with me
And essentially it doesn't really matter. They are what they are and diagnoses are only tools to drive treatment which they rarely seekout or from which they rarely benefit.
As a "quiet" BPD sufferer (I have the mental illness) thank you for this video. Thank you for all of your videos. I am trying to do the work to become better and drop not only narcissistic people from my life, but my own narcissistic habits as well. Since I've started taking accountability for my own emotions and realising that I do not *NEED* to react in a volatile manner to every single slight in life, my outlook has been changed for the better. BPD sufferers are often too victims of narcissistic abuse from birth, and this is why we are the way we are...the good news is that statistics say we *can* get better... we're all in this battle against our narc-infested society together. EDIT (1 year later): It is amazing to see the amount of support and resonance with my experience in this community! I’m still on my road to recovery...and loving every day of it. I feel like a more loving version of myself, and I definitely am not the same person I was when I began examining these issues. Please, if you need to heal from narcissistic abuse/cycles (whether in yourself or someone you know, or both), start today! It will change your life into the life you deserve.
I agree and it's disheartening to learn that many therapists don't want to help BPDers and are often encouraged by their peers not to take them on as clients. That is really awful.
How does one step back and regain their life after being suck in and abused by a person with these disorders? Does anyone know of any free resources I can turn too. This video was sure helpful and eye opening
@@thesinglechronicleswitheli2337 Rather than battling the 'bad' (an impossible task), I work @ building myself. Knowing myself, my conditioned patterns as well as my essence (who I really am) is paramount. Eckhart Tolle is a specialist of it. What helped me to make the shift was stepping out of the victim mentality (check out the drama triangle by Lynn Forrest) about that. Don't worry Sis, there's plenty resources out there, and... in here. Good luck. xx
Kathryn and Phoenix thank you so much for these tools. I am definitely going to look into this and thank you for your kind words. It's such a difficult time for me right now. This gives me some hope. Thank you
@@woodliceworm4565 thank you so much. I'll look for that book as well. I do agree that time on nature does help. I think I'll go to our local.parks this weekend
@@thesinglechronicleswitheli2337 Remember what you enjoyed doing and friends you enjoyed the company of before you met these people. What gives you joy in life? They are damaged people and will remain so until they realise that part of their suffering is because of the way they tend to think and view the World. They are suffering because they are waiting for everyone else to rescue them and fix their lives. They are not emotionally mature enough to realise that they need to rescue themselves and fix their own lives. Well done you escaped from and survived a horrible situation!!!! Give yourself the time to heal and relax.
BPD: These people can wear you out, even when you seek to give them positivity, enough is never enough. 1. Lives with a dreaded fear of abandonment, fear of isolation, fear of being on the outside, looking in. 2. They have a disintegrated self-image (look to others to provide them with input on who they will be). They don't know who they will be, where they will go. They are very emotionally driven. Feed off of people in a highly significant way. 3. Cling/rage pattern. They want desperately to know you love them, that you believe in them, that you will let them be on their team. They are appreciative. If this is not the case for a second, they go into rage and hate you. --> walking on eggshells. (You don't know what will set them off.) jealousy. 4. Tend to idealize people. (Can have a superior view of you, and later demonize you). 5. Wide mood swings, as a result they are very emotionally unstable. Are frantic, create tons of drama and wear you out. Can have very strong anger, very intense, vitriolic reaction to you, coming out of nowhere. 6. Have a sense of desperation. 7. Self-destructive behaviors. Black and white thinking. Can go into alcohol and drug abuse, promiscuity, very impulsive, eating disorder (overeating, undereating), self-harm (cutting, playing with fire), suicidal threats. They are exagerrated. 8. Cronic need for reasurance, and deep distrust to the ones who reasure them. 9. When happy they are super happy. When sad they are super sad. 10. They feel deeply but are not deep thinkers. 11. Enough is never enough. Never satisfied. A lot of broken relationships, job changes. A lot of personal failures. Confusion about religion. Confused core beliefs. Trully confused people. NARCISSISM: 1. High need for control, yet complaining about others wanting to control them. They need affirmation and inclusion. They have an insistant style, you need to be attuned to them, understand them. (Strong control) 2. Self-absorption to the max. Have low understanding for themselves, so are constantly searching for understanding themselves. Completely absorbed in thoughts about themselves. Strong self-absorption then translates to low empathy. BPD always hijackes the conversations and make it all about themselves. All their topics are "very important" m 3. Highly manipulative. 4. A sense of intetlement. "You owe me inclusion into your world" . Even if you give them simpathy/agreement, it will never be enough and you will be punished. Any time you want to talk sense into them It constantly turns into an argument. DOs and DON'Ts: 1. Don't take on the tast to upease them or solve their problems. You will just get pulled under. When doing sth nice, they will say it doens't work for them and they will step all over you. And get dragged into their pathology. 2.don't get pulled into marathon discussions. They like to do it late at night, or when you have plans to go somewhere. Say; " now is not the time, i am not able to do it". 3. Do Set boundaries. (Time, money, helpfulness) 4. Don't feel like you have to justify your boundariesm ((hey will guilt you). 5. Don't leacture them, don't shame them. 6. Do have a life separate from them. Know what you're dealing with.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother and a borderline personality afflicted sister and after 30 years of therapy and soul searching and working on myself, I can look back now and see this clearly. There were days as a child and especially a teenager that I wondered if my mind, heart and soul would remain intact. Thank you for your time in making these videos.
I used to have a borderline friend. She was the ultimate victim. No one understood her -not her doctors nor her family/friends. It was exhausting. Everything was about her her her. No contact. Couldn‘t take it anymore.
Teacher Susan Wisdom is sometimes mandatory in a relationship. I discovered my husband was a cheating Narcissist through the help of cyberhackingsage who helped cloned my husband’s cell phone and i got access to all his text and social media chats without touching his phone. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, now i have enough evidence to institute divorce against him. You can contact this hacker via Gmail ( cyberhackingsage) or Text and speak to him on phone +1 424 236 2391 thank me later.
I have to admit I've struggled with this affliction to some degree. I realize that my behaviors are my choice and I have control over them. I'm just grateful for God saving me 25 years ago otherwise I'd be a monster today.
@@joseenoel8093 I would believe what you state, I have spent decades in corporate America and the behavior that I have observed, or had delivered upon me, was unbelievable. I can also say that it has progressively become worse since I entered "arena" in the late 1970's. I feel bad for the younger people that are in these corporate positions now. It is extremely difficult to preserve a marriage, raise children, pay bills, save some money, endure long hours, especially when you work for a psycho nut job, that will sabotage and undermine workplace results. Read the book called "Snakes In Suits," Paul Babiak and Robert Hare.
They end up in those positions because their aggressive traits are seen as leadership. "What a go-getter!" And the people that see them for what they are risk being fired if they say anything. It's a vicious cycle.
This is my ex to a TEE. I've known she was narcissistic but adding borderline to it fits so much better. Thank you for helping me not feel crazy and helping understand what I went through and that others have suffered the same
Dr. Carter...I want to thank you for what you do. I am a mother of an estranged adult daughter who has borderline personality disorder. Until I began therapy for myself seven years ago, I had no idea what borderline personality was. After several years of therapy I was able to accept that no contact with her was best for me and for my daughter as well. I miss the idea of having a mother/daughter relationship, but I cannot subject myself to her abuse. I pray that God will grant her peace.
Laurie Demko Me too, mid 30s daughter who lives a 5 mins drive away, is often very close to my home. Hugely difficult relationship. Have tried to go no contact properly in 2 occasions recently but she's v clever at hoovering me back and I generally keep falling for it, which I think I know has to stop. Since we sometimes have family issues to discuss or visit eg my father, aunt, brother (& family) or son (a family), I think going grey rock might have to be the answer for me. She doesn't want children but might have one for the sake of her relationship with her boyfriend, a few years younger than her, who does eventually want one. As he is a lovely boy from a lovely solid home (they don't live nearby), even if she has a child one day, I can see it being withheld from me to cause maximum pain, as has happened with my son's children (heartbreaking beyond belief). She's belligerent, negative, critical, always right of course, and verbally abusive with me, dissatisfied, reductive, tries and usually succeeds at isolating me, making me feel like the disordered one. I've just had a distant male cousin to stay a couple of days and first she turned on him (to me) verbally suggesting/warning (hoping?) he might be a pervert, a rapist, a serial killer (he is a decent and gentle person who had a very angry narcissist father and has a narc sister & niece plus ex bosses (women) and was amazingly nice to have around for a few days (will be returning). Now she has changed tactic slightly and is saying he is jeopardising my tenancy, my new part time job (starting in 2 days) and my benefits, backed up by her stepfather, my ex husband no. 2 with whom she shares a home (he is probably a covert narcissist (ditto my brother) whereas my daughter and my father are overt narcs. My cousin is such a gentle person that my daughter may succeed in scaring him away from staying which of course is her aim. These people wear such a mask all day, every day out in the world and then take it all out on you/nearest & dearest (but not on her boyfriend & family), we do them no favours by allowing them to continue with their bullying tactics. I noticed her becoming definitely more horrible/difficult from about age 8. I know we will miss out on what should be a (good) mother/daughter relationship but it just isn't there anyhow, it's all twisted out of shape. Other family members/people don't get what living with or near or dealing with narcs is like if they haven't lived it, and you just look like the bad guy if you try to share any of it. Narcs are very into victim/sufferer blaming. They are full of anger and rants. Good luck to you 🍀🍀🍀
Wonderful presentation of a very painful reality. It is usually a family member and you love and want the best for them but the eggshells, fury and drama of their lives is exhausting. "Maintain goodness and decency" is the best advice, and boundaries MUST be maintained. Even when they are met with ridicule, sarcasm and anger.
I've had to look into BPD for a while now. It's my humble opinion that BPD is created in childhood by narcissistic parents. Narcs are such toxic events--especially to children during their formative years--that is often creates the core issue of BPD (massive fear of abandonment) and yes, like many people are saying here, BPD can be healed and recovered from. The big difference (again, in my humble opinion) people with BPD still have a conscious, and their insecurity can actually act as self doubt to the point of self awareness and looking for solutions. They can actually admit something is wrong with them, take responsibility, and change. Narcissists seem to have no self awareness or the humility to admit something is wrong, and certainly not take responsibility. There is a huge difference between BPD and NPD in my opinion.
It can develop from ADHD also. My mom was bipolar and I ended being ADHD as a child then BPD as an adult. It's from being an exposed to an emotionally unstable parent.
I can hardly believe this: every aspect of my 25 year marriage described WORD FOR WORD. I’m shaking. The validation I’m getting from this is IMMENSE. But I’m still shaking. You’re talking about my life.
Definitely no contact is the best. However, if you must interact with them, have strong boundaries intact to save your sanity. Wow... They thrive on chaos and drama which wears out most sane people. The cure is emotional intelligence and strong boundaries for sure. 💕🙏✨🦋
Yes ,you forguive ,tolerate and guive people all the chances ,but if they keep disrespecting , hurting and being ungrateful to you again and again ,it's better that you simply cut then of your life , sametimes you have to do that in order to find your mental and emotional balance,it's difficult but you have to save yourself from being drown in their sew of filthy wather...
@@mariaseidi4764 So True but it came with a price. I went through anxiety, depression and anger only because every time I tried to break off the 2 year relationship she retaliated with threats and filed four restraining orders on me for every four times I tried getting away. Now I have to get a lawyer because she made me lose my gun license and my job. She lied to the judge saying I grabbed her which I never would do and attacked my moral character. All four police reports justify "no physical contact" but the liberal judge granted her a restraining order with no proof. Oh well, at least she's out of my life so I can move on and become a stronger person. Good Luck all....You'll need it.
I struggled in a romantic relationship like this for three years before finally admitting defeat, feeling broken, confused and abandoned. Searching for answers, I began learning about BPD and other personality dynamics, which was partly a relief but also the cause of incredible grief and anger - so much wasted time and energy ignorantly trying to ‘solve’ a problem that had no solution (not a logical one, anyway). I know now the real problem to solve was inside me - why I felt compulsively drawn to a person who would punish me for loving them. (When you start asking yourself that, you’re starting to ask better questions. And pro tip: the answer is found in your childhood.) It’s been 18 months since I began no contact. It has been difficult. Unbearable sometimes. I still miss the idea of her and there is still emotion wrapped up with those memories - longing, sadness, anger, jealousy, fear, humiliation, doubt and rejection. But I understand it all. There’s acceptance most days. And compassion - a desire for her to be okay. Because she is suffering the same thing I was, only worse, and probably still hurting others. No one truly wants to live like that. I’ve found love again, but now it’s for myself. It’s building slowly. You have to be patient. But it’s the answer to the lifelong pain you’re feeling if you’ve been where I’ve been. People like Doc Carter help a lot to point the way (thank you, sir), but you have to make the journey yourself. I’m on the path. If you are too, keep going.
Andy, I just ended an almost 3 year relationship myself with a BPD with narcissistic tendencies, having to admit defeat as well. So I am only one month no contact, and, well, to be honest, i recently broke that, and for the life of me I can't remember why. Regardless, I'm starting over and will try this again. Any suggestions or tips you might be able to offer would be greatly appreciated. Any suggested books for reading? Thank you, Angie
Hi Angie. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I understand how you might be feeling. The ache is intense. I found it came in waves, so when you’re feeling down try to remember it will pass if you’re patient. Learning to love yourself as much as you ‘love’ them doesn’t sound hard, but it sure tests me. I’ve read lots of books and taken something from most. Some I’ve listened to repeatedly include: Whole Again by Jackson Mackenzie; Healing your emotional self by Beverly Engel; and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad. But there’s a big difference between listening to a book and working it. Good luck. Great job asking for help. That’s a huge step. Take a little one every day and soon you’ll be somewhere far from where you’ve been.
I just ended a relationship with my partner of 4 years. It’s crazy how you consider someone your soulmate and truely believe that they are feeling the exact same way you are. If I asked myself last year “Do you believe this will happen now”, I would’ve called myself crazy. Despite all the betrayal I’ve come to learn on a short basis I still miss and hope she’s ok. It’s really helpful seeing your guy’s comments and seeing that you can move on through the pain. How is everyone going in the comments anyways? I hope all is well and the recovery stage is getting easier.
Enough is never enough. Whew so true. You cannot give enough love, money, support, empathy, understanding, tolerance, forgiveness, time, attention, admiration, compliments, respect, or nurturing. Everything you say can and will be used against you as well as everything you don’t say, do, share, achieve. Never attempt to do better/always do better Never suffer the silent treatment silently, you better grovel Never try to sleep angry, you are not allowed to be angry Never attempt to end circular conversation, they always get to talk Never confront them, it’s a personal attack Never reveal the pain they cause, they are the victim Never say you can’t take it anymore, they always knew you would abandon them Never have a positive body image, it means you are insulting theirs Never ask for their help, they always have too many stresses already. To sum it up a relationship with a BDP is black and white. You always do, never ask Always sacrifice/never expect Always show kindness/never expect return To step into this world was the most exhausting experience of my life. He couldn’t articulate (or wouldn’t) his thought process, no. I think He knew it would lead to the realization that I don’t think that way. It’s a shame really. The amount of energy he invested in “making” me understand him. He only had to share what he really felt and we could have worked together vs his badgering me to behave in a way that didn’t offend him. He is an eternal victim of his own mind.
My husband is a borderline narcissist. I just wanted to thank you for your video. It is like you were talking about my life!! I feel a little better knowing someone understands.
I wasted two years of twenties trying to help and love this kind of a boy. Do not fucking do it. It is a waste of your life. I felt obligated. He suffered so deeply and would praise me how I was his help and I made him feel better. At the end, he called crying as I was in a mental hospital after abusing and gaslighting me for so long I finally had a break down after pouring myself to him for two years. He cried and said how do I dare be in a hospital and his bed is empty, so he had to sleep with someone else. I asked very little for me the whole time and I got cheated for having a break down due to him. Leave. Sooner than later.
In order to protect my sanity I watch these videos as a reinforcement not to avail myself in anyway. I know keeping contact is a non stop rollercoaster of emotions. Thank you Dr. Carter, you're the best ❤
I use to have all the symptoms of borderline personality disorder, then I had a very momentous turning point in my life - and from that point all of the symptoms dissipated, almost like I had been under a spell - and then it was lifted. The turning point was finding God - the bible says "you shall seek me and find me when you shall search for me with all your heart" Jeremiah 29:13. I didn't know I was supposed to be searching for Him. But when I did (and used scripture as my guide) I found Him to be True, and my whole life changed. There is a security and a peace that passes all understanding when you know God. He is the reason we exist and when we find Him - He sets our hearts and minds right again.
Paula dear sister now you definitely know this is a *SPIRITUAL* issue. You are living proof of it! Like with the posessed man of the Gadarenes (Mark 5) who was absolutely sane after meeting Jesus. Unfortunately, the Gadarenes didn't like Jesus so don't the psychologists. That's why they will never be able to help someone either. Blessings your way, much love! 🙏💝
@Sandra Roche Praise God! And I agree, counseling can really only identify the problem and offer behavior modification as a solution, which is really just a band-aid. Only Jesus Christ can change us from the inside out! Here is my testimony for anyone interested: ua-cam.com/video/E6s0wmArQLY/v-deo.html
Thanks Paula, I recently figured out that faith is a tool in the toolbox to be exercised. Faith is a gift from Holy Spirit living in you. So no one can believe on Christ until they receive the tool (faith) to exercise. Pharisees toolboxes are empty, even with evidence screaming at them. Praise to Him that you know Him & He knows you! Blessings
@@aaronconklin3322 Exactly! Faith 'cometh' by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. Faith is given to you by God when you examine the evidence (the Bible) and are fully persuaded. Thank you for making that point Aaron! To believe in God is not an intellectual decision. We don't "decide" to believe in anything else we believe to be true. We can't "make" ourselves believe in God, otherwise it's make-believe! Here's a really great discussion my husband did about real and make belief, if you're interested. ua-cam.com/video/iMpToulk1i0/v-deo.html
@@psparks73 Thanks again! Please pray for my wife a Christian Pharisee/covert narc, married 17 years w/5 kids now. I read these together Matt 7:22-23, 1Cor 8:3, 1John 4:7-8 & John 6:37-40, 44 Coram Deo
If only I had this information ten years ago to prepare myself for one wild relationship which is encapsulated perfectly by your talk today! BPD with narcissism is so unbelievable in dealing with in the long run.
All of Dr Carter’s videos are really good, but this may be the best one. They are such wounded people, and by the time the victim realizes who they are dealing with, so much damage has been done. Everything, and I mean everything, in this video is 100% true. The narcissist, or borderline, is a really bad child that has adult buying power. You can ground your kid, but not them. The more you try treating them as an equal, the more they take. Never enough. You have a better chance of reasoning with a 3 year old than the narcissist.
My favorite is all their wrong doings is what they will accuse you of😂 When in fact my brain doesn't even work like that. No kidding this guy has called me a liar, cheater oh and let's not forget, "BITCH you can't buy me!" But "can you give me more money?!?!" Last of all favorites, "Why did you leave me?" "Don't you know how much I love you and need you?" Notice the word "NEED" instead of, "WANT"? Plus if I were guilty all of those horrible accusations why would he want me back? The answer is really simple...In that delusional BPD brain of his he knew the truth was he was merely accusing me of everything he was guilty of. I will NEVER speak to him again, therefore, I am still receiving letters of rage and love (His idea of love) combined. Attempted phone calls etc....These people will drain you of even your soul if you let them. You can only forgive them in your heart for your own healthy & happy ending. Good luck and much happiness to those of you who are moving on😘 STAY BLESSED🙏
Spud Mug We loved people that can’t show love, and can’t be loved. It’s taken me a long, long time to finally realize it was hopeless. I wish I knew 10 years ago what I do now. But we all lived in this land of hope for way too long. We can’t appreciate these videos until we finally accept that our relationship with them is a dead end. That’s when our recovery starts.
Cling / rage. YES! Walking on eggshells constantly. Very black & white (no middle ground). And sometimes they are triggered by absolutely nothing. I just have to keep reminding myself it's not about me - it's about her. Thanks for another illuminating talk, Dr. Carter!
I think it's important to add that BPD is a spectrum, (from what I have read), & so people with it are not necessarily as bad as described in the video. BPD can be improved with Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. Also, BPD can be caused by Attachment Trauma, which means that as babies, toddlers, etc., people with BPD received unhealthy bonding from their parents. There are therapists, courses, videos & books that can help you sort it all out. Not everyone with a disorder is a hopeless case. There are millions of us who recognise that we are unhealthy & who work long and hard to improve ourselves.
@YES! This Is Pro-Aging I'm so sorry that you have been subjected to such horrible abuse. I hope that you are taking good care of yourself & getting the help & support required to get healthy. I'm glad that you survivors are supporting each other. It's so important to have other people who understand what you've gone through! Bless you all!
thank you. I get tired of the attitude that you should round up all borderlines and lock them up in Alcatraz and blow them up with TNT. Borderlines are people too. With medication, therapy and a will, they can overcome the same obstacles we all face. This "throw people under the bus" attitude that Dr. Less has is not for me.
I was married to a diagnosed NPD comorbid with BPD..... mood changes would often come 4 before 10 AM! He’d totally overreact to the most minor situations. It was like living with a 6’ tall toddler! Wore me slick.... very content now.
MsKK909 damn.. every person says “was married” to a person like this whether it 4 years or 40 years.. I’ve only married for 5 months and we are expecting our second child.. only after marriage did I realize who he really is.. sounds like I’m screwed😐 I want to help him and understand him but always end up so frustrated I want to scream at the top of my lungs..🤦🏻♀️
@@evamz9584 good to realized this lie of your reality. But it is true for you to get away now. Married 25 yrs and 3 kids. Just 3 years this awareness Wasn't me as the blamed bad
Sounds like the people I know dramatic,immature,full of anger,pointing fingers , center of attention ,one sided about everything , never taking responsibility , twisting our words .
My daughter. She became BPD after living with my narcissist parents. She clings and she rages. She was such a well-adjusted child, but she changed. It is so sad.
Thanks Dr. Carter! I had a live in landlord who played made up drama games, controlled me conversations and chaotic living conditions... none of his renters liked living there. Thank God I am in a healthier place to live!🌤️
Ouch! As someone recovering from BPD, this is like looking into the mirror at my past self. I was definitely stuck in my own head constantly & needing approval & validation from others. However, when I didn't get it my rage was directed inward, rarely ever outward. I had such a low opinion of myself that I would hate myself more for driving someone away. The other was almost always idealized, while I was usually the target of my devaluation. This of course made me a very alluring to narcissists. I had no core sense of self, so I was very malleable & we both agreed that they were amazing while I was worthless without them. Both of my ex-husbands were highly narcissistic. My first husband had Machiavellian tendencies, putting ambition & accomplishment above all & never took my feelings seriously. This made me highly vulnerable to my second husband who was a covert "sensitive" narcissist. And when the intense love-bombing ended & the devaluation began, I became highly suicidal because my second husband was treating me just like the first. This made me conclude that this was the inevitable result of getting to know the "real me" & that I could only be dealt with effectively with emotional & psychological abuse. I became highly suicidal, because I only saw my value in term of how others saw me. So what's the point of living if every relationship is doomed to turn abusive, the abuse being all my fault & the idea of living alone was absolutely terrifying. I couldn't bear the idea of such a painful & meaningless existence. It wasn't until I hit that rock-bottom when I had a life-changing epiphany: I cannot possibly be fair to my family & loved ones if I am so UNFAIR to myself. By constantly criticizing myself over every little mistake, reinforcing a belief that I worthless & unlovable, I kept myself so demoralized that I couldn't be an effective wife & mother. I started DBT soon after & made tremendous improvements. However it was never good enough for my second husband. In fact by the end he kept insisting that I wasn't getting better, I was getting worse. He would even ramp up the abuse cycle so that at it's worst we would go through a full cycle in less than a day. It wasn't until EMDR that I was able to weaken the trauma bond enough to finally accept the discard instead of begging & pleading to stop it. It will be a year since we separated in November. My recovery continues, which now includes cPTSD too. I am very proud of the progress I've made. But something I struggle with is was I really so hopeless that the only way I could recover was to be abused by 2 different narcissists? Would it have been possible for someone decent to love me in a way that could have inspired me to recover without enabling me or was the abuse actually necessary?
My tears flow for your pain I have been in these dark places you had been tricked into lies about who you are and who it made you become Glad for your freedom and healing process. Gives hope. Bless you in peace and love
I'm glad you're getting help and in recovery. I've been watching these videos for months. I've noticed almost no actual narcs posting about how they're getting help. None that I can recall, and I read lots of comments. Yet this one video also talks about PBD and several sufferers are talking about how they've gotten help. That's very revealing about narcs.
In my experience the headgames that go on in these relationships can make the other person very bitter, every realtionship ive been in with a bpd person has been abusive... hope you can get help, but still man.... i don't know what to think anymore...
@VidBint - Regarding your questions at the end of your comment ... No the abuse (suffering) was / is not necessary - we can learn without suffering too, through INSIGHT, but that happens once we have developed SELF-AWARENESS - Also, no matter how much someone loves you it will not become the reason for your change unless you value and desire that change YOURSELF and also when you yourself have the necessary motivation and determination to change but even then if you change only for others (to please them, to keep them in your life or in an effort to get their love or approval) then the minute they are not there or you yourself devalue them then out goes your motivation and commitment to change. I have found that the BEST reason for change is to do so because of the inherent worth and value that our Creator has bestowed on us which is why a relationship with God is the most enduring bond we can ever develop and it holds you together even if everything else disintegrates around you and lasts long after the last person you know is gone. The best investment of your time is to become fully aware of Him and when you do you will realize that in doing so you have become fully aware of ‘you’ and after that no one will be able to confuse or deceive you (at least not without your permission) about who you are and what your purpose in life is / is not. It’s a fascinating and beautiful journey that empowers you and heals your wounds in a way that the best of therapists in this world can’t. Btw, you’ve done tremendous work - that in itself is a very positive sign and I applaud you for that.
@ Yes, I am happy to report that I have worked on myself intensively & I no longer suffer from BPD. I no longer require depression or anxiety meds. And since the root or my dysfunction has be addressed & I have the tools to discern what is mine & what is someone else’s, I now have wonderful relationships with both my ex-husbands. Turns out a lot of what I perceived as narcissism was a reaction to my own dysfunction triggering theirs. Now that I can recognize & alchemize my own triggers, they can recognize & deal with their own because they aren’t trying to “correct” me in their own dysfunctional way.
Oh, the splitting is one of the worst and hardest things to deal with in BPD sufferers. There's no amount of guarding what you say. They are able to twist innocent and even positive events into a conspiracy against them, especially when they start feeling too close to you. Closeness triggers them, they start feeling controlled and engulfed even when you're not doing a thing that suggests control.
Always a one extreme to another reaction to closeness is right. They react to closeness by feeling both engulfed while taking offense or they react to closeness by trying to move us and them along at lightning speed into the future right after they had future faked promised a honeymoon in the future while promising the moon to us too on only our 3rd date with them. Too many of us women have been sold the lie that the later extreme is normal for men and too many men have been sold the lie that the former extreme taking offense reaction to only a romantic kiss offered to them on their door step is normal for women while more than that -- It must be a sign only that they are for sure pure.
Thank you for this. Every time I watch one of your videos, my eyes are opened a little wider. This one was extremely hard for me to hear because my ex accused me of having BPD many times. As much as I hate to admit that a narcissist may be right, I think in this case he may be. It sounded like you were 75% describing me and I don’t want to be this way anymore. I plan on seeking diagnosis and treatment. I truly believe everyone has the capacity to change if they want to. Here’s hoping for a brighter future
I was married to this. It was a 10 year nightmare. These folks seek out "rescuer" types. I'm a giving person and this was how I got hooked in. She broke me down and I ended up in a mental hospital. Then I divorced her and life got better, but it took a year of therapy and hard work to recover myself. She left me homeless and in debt up to my eyeballs. Life is much better now.
@@ericherman5413 hi can you please give examples of what specific types of behaviors they did and acted like? Sorry if this is hard to do but I just need more information
You just described my Ex gf to the letter.. She was EXACTLY as you described.. I knew she was Borderline.. I picked up on that with in a week, and she admitted it to me.. For the first 2 months everything was great.. We had so much in common and I'm very empathic.. I wanted to rescue her and I really saw her inner pain.. What I didn't expect was she was a Narc as well, and that threw me to the wall when I realized it.. She was so wonderful at first, suddenly she turned into an absolute abusive beast, but she needed me and kept me around.. I eventually couldn't take it anymore and I left.. As well as most of her friends left her.. It's so sad to see someone who at times seems so sweet and beautiful.. I hold nothing against her, not even for all the damage she did to my life.. I'll never talk to her again, but I do very much love her still..
@@annettec7271 Not all borderlines have Narcissistic Personality Disorder! Some BPDs are actually empaths! I have some frieywho have BPD and they are all empaths and so is one of my family members. And a lot of them have unfortunately fallen prey to people with NPD.
@The Wordy Woodstock Therapist Talks is quite good as well. I hope you have the opportunity to build a good support network. Look after yourself and Good Luck!
I married a woman who was diagnosed with BPD and was also a closet methamphetamine user. It was the most stressful 2 months of my life. After only 2 months she falsely charged me with assault and sexual assault. She had a false witness (fellow drug user). I was facing 14 yesrs in prison. Somehow I got her pregnant right before she had me thrown in jail so she sobered up, cut ties with the false witness, and all charges were withdrawn as there was no evidence. I developed very high blood pressure and I'm an otherwise healthy 36 year old. I cannot have contact with her even though it's legally allowed now, because she occasionally abuses substance again and it's too stressful for me. I cannot stress enough how helpful Dr. Les Carter's videos have been in the wake of this unfortunate relationship. This video in particular hit the nail right on the head in all areas I experienced. It made me cry because I wish there was some way I could help her and be re-united with my wife & son. I've hired a therapist $165/session and it's also helping tremendously. Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you Dr. Les Carter!!!!!!
My ex is a diagnosed borderline, and every point you made I had to deal with, including her rage machine mode. I now deal with the black and white part of her thinking style, and poisoning our kids with all the fear and negativity she paints me with. This was a spot on talk about BPD and those of us dealing with the victim side of this disorder.
Naomi Anomaly Wisdom is sometimes mandatory in a relationship. I discovered my husband was a cheating Narcissist through the help of cyberhackingsage who helped cloned my husband’s cell phone and i got access to all his text and social media chats without touching his phone. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, now i have enough evidence to institute divorce against him. You can contact this hacker via Gmail ( cyberhackingsage) or Text and speak to him on phone +1 424 236 2391 thank me later.
Kind of like an empath is the twin of a narcissist, but manages to go into another direction (not necessarily a functional one, but far less outwardly destructive)?
Yup! I’ve been diagnosed with both but I don’t rage out like people with BPD commonly do and I don’t have a fear of abandonment so I think my BPD is misdiagnosed CPTSD honestly .
I have BPD myself (dx 2008) and I’ll be honest, it did “hurt” hearing Dr. C describe the common traits of BPD, but I still needed to hear it. I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want to cause emotional pain on others. I want to be more aware of my emotions and how they affect others. I’m also in the midst of learning about the narcissistic abuse I had/have throughout my life, including to this day. I guess my brother turned to narcissism, and I ended up turning to BPD, so to speak. It’s just exhausting for all parties involved. I just want to continue healing, learn more about myself and how I interact with others, while at the same time protecting myself from abuse and making sure I don’t inadvertently abuse others in any way shape or form.
You and I are in the same boat, mate. Watching this video was painful, honestly, and I don't like that I've hurt people and have thought to often, "What have I done?", that I knew I needed to seek help for it. I was convinced I was a narcissist and I was scared and wanted to know how to manage it but was shocked when I was diagnosed with BPD, yet, it all made so much sense! My therapist and DBT are life-savers. It's embarrassing and painful to realize how destructive and harmful my behavior was and how badly it affected other people and I realized, I don't want to harm people, I have to change. It's been almost two years and what started as extremely difficult to practice (DBT) that I would get migraines from consciously applying it, is more like second-nature now. There are, of course, some days that are tougher than others and a struggle but I havent exhibited the same destruction I used to. Reading comments like yours and knowing there are others who are actively working on their BPD was one of the things that gave me hope and motivated me to work towards that improvement so thank you.
When others get accurate info on BPD it makes it easier to help and accommodate where possible. The knowledge helped me better understand a friend. Sometimes I hurt for her.
These traits are spot on. But I do believe that some people with borderline personality disorder manipulate unintentionally. Their defense mechanisms cause a push and pull pattern but they are just trying to protect themselves. It’s no excuse for the chaos and drama that can be caused, but I think that they do want to love but just don’t know how.
Ashley Mintz It seems that way, doesn’t it. This is where I have to be cautious as a hsp, I am deeply sensitive to the inner workings of all, and am easily drawn in 🙏🏽
@@lissacablerware8475 I'm an hsp and have BPD traits. I'm sure there are empaths with BPD among other mental illnesses. I can assure you that not all people with BPD are the same. There's a spectrum. Just like in general, not all people of any group are the same. People are complex and just because they share a mental illness doesn't make them all the same and one dimensional. We have unique pasts, physiological workings and coping mechanisms.
I have been watching your Narcissism videos and saying, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" but I watch this Borderline video and say, "YES! YES! YES!" I knew I was dealing with a person with complex problems. It is so overwhelming to know how to handle a person with such mental problems.
I used to work with a psychiatrist that would openly tell new partners of Borderlines, RUN, and she'd explain what they were in for. It was sad but true.
Wow that's quite a blanket statement, and a rather dangerous one, to make of people suffering from BPD. Narcissism and BPD are two different things. There have been a good number of people who suffer from BPD that are self-aware and actually work to change their behavior by seeing a doctor and apply either DBT or CBT (sometimes, medication is necessary, sometimes it isnt, it's case-to-case) Their rage and instability isnt consistent but are triggered by trauma. So when they have realized that their behavior due to their triggers are harmful, the ones who seek help and actively work on their behavior, well, it would be unfair to be judgemental of people actively trying to improve and become more mindful and have more control over their actions because they actually dont want to harm people and care to do so. Like I said, a lot of those who ha e been diagnosed with BPD go on to become people who have been successful in leading truly happy lives wherein they function well within the society. Unlike narcissists or psychopaths, borderlines are not void of empathy. When undiagnosed and untreated, they basically just feel things to an extreme and therefore, their behavior may become destructive and harmful. But they arent monsters that should be locked up and shunned from society, especially, the ones who have learned and successfully manage their behavior seamlessly that it becomes second-nature to them to have healthy boundaries and ways of managing their anger. Sigh. I mean no offense but it's upsetting that your psychiatrist would say something like that.
@@infairvarona not my psychiatrist, one I was employed along with....this was her practice you are making it sound like this had my support and approval. This was a psych hospital so the doctor had seen the worst of the worst cases and no I'm not making a statement.
@@joywebster2678 I didn't mean to make a statement that felt that was targeting you, I actually said, "your psychiatrist", (when you said "worked" I thought you worked as a team when you hired her, not that you worked alongside her, my apologies). I wont lie, your comment stung because it seemed like you were backing up her statement by saying it was, "sad, but true".
@@joywebster2678 oh thank you for clarifying. And I agree, it is very sad that she makes blanket statements about people with BPD like that when a good number of those who have suffered have been treated successfully and have gone on to live functioning lives with success and are not a harm to society.
A narcissist could convince you that you have BPD whilst in a relationship. Any emotion, insecurity or jealousy that showed up whilst being with him, was me being accused of being disordered.
Hoth 100 Wisdom is sometimes mandatory in a relationship. I discovered my husband was a cheating Narcissist through the help of cyberhackingsage who helped cloned my husband’s cell phone and i got access to all his text and social media chats without touching his phone. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, now i have enough evidence to institute divorce against him. You can contact this hacker via Gmail ( cyberhackingsage) or Text and speak to him on phone +1 424 236 2391 thank me later.
I had to watch this several times. Thank you so much Dr. Carter. You just validated so much for so many people. Every single day that I go silent on this person I guess stronger and I get better and I respect myself more. These people do not change and watching your video really reassures me that I’m making the right decision for myself.
I was diagnosed as BPD. I am working on myself. I stay away from others because I know how toxic/unmanageable I can be. Childhood trauma is apparently at the core. All is not lost. There is hope.
So glad I found this video. It first aired before I found Dr Carter ☀️. I’m late catching up (5 years) but I found it Dr C. My malignant narcissistic sister once accused me of having BPD. Now I can see she was projecting onto me what she could not see or deal with within herself. As a matter of self-checking, I asked my own therapist if this label could possibly fit me. My therapist’s exact response was “Not even close.” 💥
You rock, Dr. Les ! So much validation, de-programming and healing has come from these videos. Thank you so much for your generousity, kindness and empathy, Dr. Les. God Bless you, Sir !
Thank you for your videos. They have helped me with the narcissistic and borderline personality disorder nightmare that my oldest child has set upon me. On Facebook, she has admitted that she has PTSD and borderline personality disorder. I didn't know what BPD was so I came to UA-cam for answers. I found some of the help that I need but her verbal and emotional abuse has become so volatile that someone told me that she was also a narcissist because of her trying to manipulate me. From what I have discovered just yesterday, she is a malignant narcissist. I don't know about the PTSD. She has lied so much about her childhood that I wonder if she made herself believe that she does have PTSD, but I can see clearly the narcissism and the borderline personality disorder.
As someone with enough symptoms of BPD to be DSM-5 diagnosable (but I'm a 'quiet' type so I don't rage), I oddly don't feel 'attacked' by this. Thank you for your compassionate approach, Dr Carter. You're addressing people who have been hurt by individuals with BPD (and you might even have been hurt by one, yourself), and yet you still have kindness for the perpetrator, in the way you represent them.
My ex best friend was indeed the Borderline and treated me as her "favourite person" exhausting was an understatement, seemed like a nice person on first few meetings but then relentless phone calls,texts at odd hours , manipulation, suicide threats, demanding all my time, checking up on me, driving past my house, contacting my family, getting abusive and violent with extreme jealousy , and like you said the statement she always used was "You Owe Me" ..... thats just a small account of my experiences.....Im happy to say that Im no contact after her trying to hoover me for over 2 years!! Its not over but Im relocating soon, still recovering thanks Doc for your great videos
Thanks for the most helpful youtube vid I’ve ever watched. You’ve saved my life and what’s left of my relationship. Wow, no self-help book or web page has ever struck so accurately at the core of my partner’s issues. Not that I haven’t got my own but the depth of clarity presented here gives me all I need to break a bewildering cycle of dysfunction.
Several years ago, I minimized, then severed, the relationship with my sister who is a toxic blend of narcissism and BPD. Our relationship was an emotional roller coaster I had to get off. She was extremely verbally abusive and a gaslight manipulator who believed she "knew me better than I knew myself." I do not regret my decision. She is a late stage alcoholic who is the "smartest person in the room" so you better show deference to her. She is a tragic figure that needs help but thinks she has everything "under control." She has conned herself into believing she is in control...when her emotions are controlling her. I could no longer be the target of her inner rage and emptiness and stopped responding completely. My silence and unwillingness to fight provoked her even more. I had to examine the reasons I allowed this pattern to develop between us. It is difficult when the toxic person in your life is a family member, but I knew I had to let go. If anyone else finds themselves in a toxic sibling relationship, I urge them to examine the patterns that created the dynamic and then give yourself permission to let go of that person. Chances are slim they will ever change....It seems empathic gestures are understood as capitulation and weakness to the narc and an opportunity for a fresh attach. I knew I could no longer step back into the relational ring, with the lion that is my sister, and not get attached. My solution was to choose not to have any contact with her. I wish for her contentment and peace, but that is something only she can provide for herself.
Congratulations! I did the same with all my siblings...the one I idolized since childhood was the worst. In adulthood we were on a 3 year rollercoaster between conversations. I FINALLY got off pemanently... and still feel sad for her.
I too broken free and have zero contact. I became unsure of myself. She even degraded my vfb dog which pretty much put the nail in the coffin, so to speak.
My husband's mother fits this description in every way possible. I knew she wasn't just a narcissistic person. Without giving too much personal info someone close to me who works in healthcare suggested my husband's mother sounds BPD. I didn't know much about it but after having that one person chime in suddenly the descriptions made sense along with NPD. Your video hit the nail on the head. Everything. Check, check, check, check. From the eating disorders to the spirituality, to the wanting money from others and for them to take care of her, everything you said. It seems lately it's like she just says stuff that isn't even true. Nothing is ever good enough. Everything is a major catastrophe and we all must cater to her. My husband all on his own went low contact, but I find myself unable to rest. I worry too much about what she could do so long as my husband has a hard time talking about it. He's doing right by me, but the fact some of this crazy stuff goes on without any kind of distinct acknowledgement from him makes it hard for me to cope with it. I think that's why I'm stuck on this. I feel fearful but other than it being a difficult topic, my husband listens at times, but I just don't see us having an open conversation about this any time soon and I think that's the root of my anxiety about his mother. It's like when we see her, we've entered a fantasy but everyone acts like it's real, including me. I will take your advice, he already has made the realization that he cannot help her with her issues. We used to talk for HOURS with her about never ending issues and it just became so apparent to him (and even me) that this person has no intention of changing a thing, she just wants US, namely him.
I was the rescuer for my narc father. I tried rescuing him from his loneliness, became his therapist while he tried to bash his wife and played the victim card, helped him financially... only to listen to “You were accidental and I never wanted you, you want to separate me from my wife, you are the reason for all my problems”.... that’s what I got by being an empath and being kind. Dr Carter rightly puts it when he says that we can’t take them out of their misery, we can’t be their rescuer” cuz these narcs will make us a part of their game and leave us feeling extremely hurt in the end!
I wish I could give this video 5,000 thumbs up. I have never heard my sister described in such accurate terms and with real-life examples that resonate so deeply because they have actually happened. Dr. C, this video belongs in your Hall of Fame and the bar for that is already set very, very high within your library. She has told me all her life about her "abandonment issues" and I've always described her to others by saying, "I don't get it: she's *so* clingy to me but then SO mad at me for no reason half the time. It's like she needs me but she hates me." I will watch this video again and again. The problem, for me, is that I have accidentally done all the wrong things on the checklist toward the end of the video because I am stuck in this house, financially and physically. I will obviously need to reevaluate and recalibrate my responses to her controlling behavior and see how much I can adjust while still being stuck here. Thank you for your guidance🙏🏻 I'll need it; I have work to do.
Very interesting! I adopted a child that happen to have a lot of these behaviors very early on at the age of 6/7. It's a wild story and it was a wild ride. None of the therapists had the skills to see through the games she played masterfully. Even at a young age, narcissism and borderline Tendencies came up and all of her testing. Being parentified at such a young age was so hard. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail but I find a lot of clarity in what you're saying and it brings me peace to understand it all. It felt like I was living with a tornado, constant chaos. Unlike an adult relationship where you can walk away, you can't walk away from your child or at least I didn't. It was a very painful path. I was able to get through without having to give my child up though everyone told me to. ( in order to get services) she couldn't live in the family stetting and needed more than that wish I was able to muddle through and find services for her. I pulled my child through it by the skin on my teeth, so to speak because she was fighting me tooth and nail the whole way. LOL She's actually doing much better right now and our relationship, now that she's an adult, has changed and became much better. I was completely clueless on any of the narcissism and borderline personality disorder when we started this journey. The education that you do is very important, thank you.
You are right on target with your talks about narcissists. I was living with my sister and I could not have any friends, I could only talk about certain subjects. She called me many downgrading names and she through me out of the house twice and was left homeless. I no longer have contact with her. She also knew how to gaslight me. I was not sure of who I was and lost all self esteem and self worth.
...O MY GOSH!!! "Can I have 2 mins if your time? After years of respectful listening and after I realised what I'm dealing with (thank you Dr Carter) I literally walked away from a "conversation" aka MONOLOGUE after 10 mins if this was just another manipulating controlling session.
Thankyouthankyouthankyou thank you, Dr. Carter, for this video on BPD along with Narcissism!!! 😊 It's sadly my hubby to a "T". He also has some paranoia. Nothing's ever good enough; when I try to encourage him, he either tells me to stop patronizing him, or angrily tells me I'm being nice to him because I want something from him; everything is about him and what he wants; if I start to tell him about something, he'll interrupt me and say, "I'm not really interested in that", or "I could care less about that"; throws tantrums; if he has a bad day at work, he'll take it out on me (I'm his scapegoat). He's turned the kids against me and they have become his flying monkeys. My friends who have spent time with us can't stand how he talks down to me. A counselor who he saw briefly told him that he has unreal expectations for not only himself, but others, especially a wife who has health problems and is limited in what and how much she can do. What's important to me is belittled, and the children mock me along with him. When we were first married, I'd greet him at the door with a smile and a kiss, and he'd say, "you're mocking me". It was so absurd I thought he was joking, and then would laugh. About a year later, he told me that he was really tired of me mocking him every time he came home, and I realized he was serious and was misinterpreting almost everything I did or said. I still can't joke with him (very few people can) or he takes it the wrong way. My doctors who have seen him with me and the kids when his guard has been down want me out of this relationship because of the stress it's caused has been taking a toll on my health. We've been married for 28 years. He's threatened suicide, especially in the early years of marriage, and told me how he was going to do it, and what to do if the garage doors were locked because he didn't want me to find him. He's jealous of anything that he's not the center of. He always had to have me wherever he was, and I'd have to sit there and watch him play or work on his computer. I finally started bringing sewing in with me, and constantly assure him that I was listening to him (when he *did* say something to me). He's turned others against me, projecting how he is and what he's done on me. My health has gotten even worse, and I'm trapped. If I didn't have Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and feel His love and presence with me, I would have lost it a long time ago. And our pets that follow me around wherever I am and love on me. 😏 Hope this helps someone else that's going through this.
Dr. C this video blew my mind😳not only was my narcissistic ex a drug, alcohol, sex and porn addict, but after viewing this video, he was also a borderline. I am so grateful for your channel and wise words that are helping me to hold firmly to no contact.🙏🤗
7:05 Wife's favourite line - "I don't want to be in control, I just don't want to be out of control". Sounds good on the surface, until life plays out through a filter of 'I'm always out of control, so I need to always fight to be in control to counteract that'. Even the slightest shread of autonomy on my part has to be shut down because it's 'evidence' that she's not in control and therefore is out of control.
I had a girl for 2 years that was weird for me from the start. shes like having multiple personalities. the childish, serious, dull one, overly loving or hate. I really had to take care what I say, and what I do in order to not upset her. but she was doing whatever she felt like doing. doesnt matter if I like it or not. talking about a serious topic doesnt make sense, not listening. she broke up with me 3 times already were no reasons for that. the first 2 times I was blaming myself but the third one I was 100% sure its not my fault and that shes totally crazy and i accepted her breakup and didnt want to makeup anymore. Even if there were times where I was thinking, I wanna marry this woman because she is so awesome, there were also horrible ones, where she would kick me out of her house and ignore me like a piece of shit. Like Im her worst enemy. Even tho I didnt do anything bad. And most of the time these hyper reactions came, when she was pressured by her work and had a lot of things to do. I tried my best and suffered a lot, but you end up emotionally drained without any success. I had to leave her be.
In the example you used about visiting relatives and having a nice time, the BPD will say, of so you think you're better than me because I don't like my relatives? It's like woah, I was just making a comment. The BPD person never just hears comments, they always seem to hear it as a personal attack. Of course, they won't say this to you directly. They'll tell everyone else that you are a snob, and think you're better than everyone.
This is really excellent- thank you, Dr Carter, for a great, on point analysis, demonstrative examples, and subsequent guidance. I’m quite glad I found your channel! I especially resonated with the part about setting boundaries. In my situation, I would often get the, “Hey we need to talk... something’s really bothering me...” right at bedtime, about 6 minutes after lights are out and the heads hit the pillows. As a young person I always dealt with insomnia issues but I’ve since trained myself to go to sleep quickly and deeply, and these impromptu discussions totally were wrecking that. I’d lay awake for hours following the, what would inevitably become, the argument/ fight (if I was even in the same room anymore). There is a point here. I set that boundary fairly early on in the relationship and even though it was breached at first, it’s eventually become embedded in that person that discussions at that time are just not gonna happen. I know there’s the anger still there, which is something I see as stemming from her feelings of a lack of control (of me), but most times now I won’t see the manifestation of that anger but for maybe a few grumbles. Over time they learn what doesn’t work.
That is exactly what I needed to know to understand what’s going on with that girl from my building. Now I realize how predictable she is and I feel so much safer now. Thank you Sir.
it's so tragic. I see their fear but I can't touch it, no way to help. There are three in my life and none of them can really love me or feel my love for them.
My BPD guy I used to love, after his lovebombing, he was not revealing all truth. I only knew he was clinically depressed and anxious. I found out later in 2019 that he was also clinically borderline, and I was walking out very fast. Walking on eggshells it was weekly, he never reached out. I knew since 2016 he could be BPD, he said who I am to diagnose him. But all his actions was so well to this diagnosis. When I found out official paperwork, he said that it's not true. He refused to have it, but actions spoke so well...
I've never been diagnosed with BPD, but watching this video I thought much of what you describe fits the emotional problems I've struggled with for several years.
Sam Vaknin recently came out with a video on "Lies, Narcissism and Borderlines," which provides an interesting framework for conceptualizing BPDs. I don't often agree with what he has to say, but he talks about how psychopathy, narcissism, and borderline are interrelated - and the lies they tell other people and the ways in which they lie to themselves. He looks through the lens of lying as a means of better understanding the three disorders. The waters of the Cluster Bs is muddy and frustrating to navigate. Dr. C, I appreciate your approach to explaining these complex people in simple terms.
This is 100% my ex/abuser. I’ve been out of the relationship for over two years and I watch these videos as affirmation and assistance with my healing. This video in particular was absolutely spot on. Whew! So good to be out of that vicious cycle of abuse. So many blessings are awaiting those who feel trapped in these narcissistic relationships, find a way out.
Great question! From what I've observed with my N mom, she avoids other people just like her (instantly judges them, points out all their physical faults and dismisses them) It's like she senses she won't get any narc supply from them and moves on. Her mother was also a narc, and they seemed to thrive on negativity and complaining together. Their unified goal was to make everyone miserable.
@@robinsteward2351 so it's unlikely to find Ns in groups? I feel incredibly drained whenever I go into crowds. I assumed it was due to Ns grouping together, but now I'm unsure
I believe wholeheartedly that my mother is a borderline narcissistic personality. She has worked her whole life to destroy me and has had her flying monkeys around to help her my whole life. I also feel that a lot of people have aided and abetted her out of fear of her. Me oh my, she has created the strongest Empath daughter who is not afraid of her. It's the amount of harm she has caused in my life and that of others that is scary. It truly is the never-ending story... Good Lord!
My mother did this to people. Up on a pedestal one minute, then the person is "The Pits" next .Oh the hijacking conversations AND "You Owe Me", one of her fav refrains!
Sometimes i do some of these anoying things you've mentioned. I have been working on my triggers my whole life and am very good at not letting it bother me if i get triggered here and there. I must be on the spectrum of boarderline at a lower range. Thanks for the indepth knowledge here.
Not to offend anyone with BPD, I know the pain they deal with is unbearable at times, however I can speak honestly when I say their illness DOES cause others pain! I’ve been married to a man with BPD for 8.5 years, he also has HIGHLY Narcissistic traits. And he is very emotionally and mentally abusive!! Tbh this is exhausting and I have went to therapy at times to GET ADVICE ON HOW TO BE HIS THERAPIST 😔. Everything you said here is valid, he has no boundaries, he is rude and disrespectful to everyone around him but other times acts as if they deserve it! I honestly have whip lash most of the time dealing with his “episodes”. I have been to therapy more times than I can count because he says he acts this way because of me or what I’m doing, leaving me feel crazy!!! He gaslights me VERRRYYYYY often, to the point I have recorded convos, put cameras in my house and even carried pepper spray in my house because he has fits of rage and grabs guns to threaten suicide because he’s afraid I’m going to leave! I could go on for days but I’m so sorry people have to deal with this illness but I’m gonna be the jerk that says, some of these people are just as abusive as someone with NPD
I have been reading up so much on BPD as am sure I had recently got involved with one . He is highly sensitive & has so much past trauma that I thought cptsd but there is so much more . This almost confirms it to me with the way you describe conversations going back to them and marathon discussions.
Thanks Dr. C.... this is absolutely my ex to a T. The only difference I can think of is he wouldn't accept help (might show weakness) but then further down the line he'd rail at me about never helping him. As for the long, long discussions (to make me understand what I'd done wrong), I was not allowed to comment or respond "No, let me finish!" while he would literally monologue for 2 or 3 hours. Listening to your videos puts things in perspective and makes me feel sane again. Thank you.
It takes a lot of emotional energy to “handle” a narcissist. Sometimes its just better to walk away
Already snuck most important things out. Just 2 suitcases and one of his going out to drink beer and I will be gone when he gets back.
Hopefully when you leave they will change but I doubt it lol
Do that!
Absolutely!
@Victoria Akoms i agree with u
I am not a psychologist but from what I've read, a lot of these Cluster B disorders overlap which makes it hard for even the trained professionals to nail down.
@nimbleneedle Sorry to hear you had to go through this. I wouldn't blame you because I myself had hoped to try to work things out. Thank goodness that Dr C is online because his videos have helped me regain sanity. Please take solace in that all the garbage you've experienced is not about you. The person you were dealing with is clearly broken.
wifferste There are very common words and sentences that they use to spot them.
1. Be very careful if they namecall you: If they say you are crazy, lunatic, psycho, paranoid
2. Do as I say, obey me
3. You never apologize (although you know that you do)
4. You are a toxic and controlling person (no you are NOT!)
5. This is irrelevant, you don’t understand, you are not able to tell what you want to say
Never ever give your power to someone else! Listen to your gutt and stay away from people who try to take you down constantly even if they are narcissistic or not.
Even some cluster c might overlap with cluster B. All you need to know: if the behavior, mood, is inconsistent, keep distance from such persons. Their nuttiness is infectious sometimes. Keep your sanity intact. They need your help, but you're not a doctor. They need an expert.
nimbleneedle I don’t believe it’s faked. I do this. It’s more along the lines with not knowing myself so when I go in one direction i really go hard. Not meaning to. I catch myself a lot more often these days especially since now that I know what’s going on. And especially when i do meth. And I have to pull myself back. But then I’m in a battle in my own mind where my brain won’t shut off.... with alcohol I just let myself be free. And can be pretty happy but those around me aren’t ever happy unless they are also drunk. And even then, I push my want of being accepted on others and when they let me in i over show my emotions. And the drunk rage is what scares me. I can’t control that me much. Honestly, I wish a bullet would strike me dead. Would save me from feeling this way and save others from dealing with me
And essentially it doesn't really matter. They are what they are and diagnoses are only tools to drive treatment which they rarely seekout or from which they rarely benefit.
As a "quiet" BPD sufferer (I have the mental illness) thank you for this video. Thank you for all of your videos. I am trying to do the work to become better and drop not only narcissistic people from my life, but my own narcissistic habits as well. Since I've started taking accountability for my own emotions and realising that I do not *NEED* to react in a volatile manner to every single slight in life, my outlook has been changed for the better. BPD sufferers are often too victims of narcissistic abuse from birth, and this is why we are the way we are...the good news is that statistics say we *can* get better... we're all in this battle against our narc-infested society together.
EDIT (1 year later): It is amazing to see the amount of support and resonance with my experience in this community! I’m still on my road to recovery...and loving every day of it. I feel like a more loving version of myself, and I definitely am not the same person I was when I began examining these issues.
Please, if you need to heal from narcissistic abuse/cycles (whether in yourself or someone you know, or both), start today! It will change your life into the life you deserve.
* virtual hug *
It takes courage to get help. Well done.
🖤
I agree and it's disheartening to learn that many therapists don't want to help BPDers and are often encouraged by their peers not to take them on as clients. That is really awful.
What are your narcissistic habits? I'm curious.
It’s very sad, but yes...set those boundaries step back and be prepared for rage. It’s better than being abused. Time is precious.
How does one step back and regain their life after being suck in and abused by a person with these disorders? Does anyone know of any free resources I can turn too. This video was sure helpful and eye opening
@@thesinglechronicleswitheli2337 Rather than battling the 'bad' (an impossible task), I work @ building myself. Knowing myself, my conditioned patterns as well as my essence (who I really am) is paramount. Eckhart Tolle is a specialist of it. What helped me to make the shift was stepping out of the victim mentality (check out the drama triangle by Lynn Forrest) about that. Don't worry Sis, there's plenty resources out there, and... in here. Good luck. xx
Kathryn and Phoenix thank you so much for these tools. I am definitely going to look into this and thank you for your kind words. It's such a difficult time for me right now. This gives me some hope. Thank you
@@woodliceworm4565 thank you so much. I'll look for that book as well. I do agree that time on nature does help. I think I'll go to our local.parks this weekend
@@thesinglechronicleswitheli2337 Remember what you enjoyed doing and friends you enjoyed the company of before you met these people. What gives you joy in life?
They are damaged people and will remain so until they realise that part of their suffering is because of the way they tend to think and view the World. They are suffering because they are waiting for everyone else to rescue them and fix their lives. They are not emotionally mature enough to realise that they need to rescue themselves and fix their own lives.
Well done you escaped from and survived a horrible situation!!!! Give yourself the time to heal and relax.
BPD:
These people can wear you out, even when you seek to give them positivity, enough is never enough.
1. Lives with a dreaded fear of abandonment, fear of isolation, fear of being on the outside, looking in.
2. They have a disintegrated self-image (look to others to provide them with input on who they will be). They don't know who they will be, where they will go. They are very emotionally driven. Feed off of people in a highly significant way.
3. Cling/rage pattern. They want desperately to know you love them, that you believe in them, that you will let them be on their team. They are appreciative. If this is not the case for a second, they go into rage and hate you. --> walking on eggshells. (You don't know what will set them off.) jealousy.
4. Tend to idealize people. (Can have a superior view of you, and later demonize you).
5. Wide mood swings, as a result they are very emotionally unstable. Are frantic, create tons of drama and wear you out. Can have very strong anger, very intense, vitriolic reaction to you, coming out of nowhere.
6. Have a sense of desperation.
7. Self-destructive behaviors. Black and white thinking. Can go into alcohol and drug abuse, promiscuity, very impulsive, eating disorder (overeating, undereating), self-harm (cutting, playing with fire), suicidal threats. They are exagerrated.
8. Cronic need for reasurance, and deep distrust to the ones who reasure them.
9. When happy they are super happy. When sad they are super sad.
10. They feel deeply but are not deep thinkers.
11. Enough is never enough. Never satisfied. A lot of broken relationships, job changes. A lot of personal failures. Confusion about religion. Confused core beliefs. Trully confused people.
NARCISSISM:
1. High need for control, yet complaining about others wanting to control them. They need affirmation and inclusion. They have an insistant style, you need to be attuned to them, understand them. (Strong control)
2. Self-absorption to the max. Have low understanding for themselves, so are constantly searching for understanding themselves. Completely absorbed in thoughts about themselves. Strong self-absorption then translates to low empathy.
BPD always hijackes the conversations and make it all about themselves. All their topics are "very important" m
3. Highly manipulative.
4. A sense of intetlement. "You owe me inclusion into your world" .
Even if you give them simpathy/agreement, it will never be enough and you will be punished. Any time you want to talk sense into them It constantly turns into an argument.
DOs and DON'Ts:
1. Don't take on the tast to upease them or solve their problems. You will just get pulled under. When doing sth nice, they will say it doens't work for them and they will step all over you. And get dragged into their pathology.
2.don't get pulled into marathon discussions. They like to do it late at night, or when you have plans to go somewhere. Say; " now is not the time, i am not able to do it".
3. Do Set boundaries. (Time, money, helpfulness)
4. Don't feel like you have to justify your boundariesm ((hey will guilt you).
5. Don't leacture them, don't shame them.
6. Do have a life separate from them.
Know what you're dealing with.
Every thing is quite true but you seem very judgmental to me.
You should Know that these people suffer more than you are suffering with them.
I grew up with a narcissistic mother and a borderline personality afflicted sister and after 30 years of therapy and soul searching and working on myself, I can look back now and see this clearly. There were days as a child and especially a teenager that I wondered if my mind, heart and soul would remain intact. Thank you for your time in making these videos.
This is so helpful.... he is amazing right?....
Me too, mother and sister
You sound much like me, Elizabeth. Wish I had been given this information decades ago.
Dr. C is akin to the last lifeboat on the Titanic. Thank you for saving me.
Haven't had that comparison before, but thank you. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism Thank you for your benevolent works.
Lose the borderline DIVA. THE SNIVELING BRotHER who demands loyalty but cannot be honest once in 65 yrs.. What a chore!!
My old "'friend'"lynn didick.. Cried if i did not park my car.RIGHT NEXT TO HERS IN a LOT!!! Absolutely crazy chaos making!
I used to have a borderline friend. She was the ultimate victim. No one understood her -not her doctors nor her family/friends.
It was exhausting. Everything was about her her her.
No contact. Couldn‘t take it anymore.
Teacher Susan Wisdom is sometimes mandatory in a relationship. I discovered my husband was a cheating Narcissist through the help of cyberhackingsage who helped cloned my husband’s cell phone and i got access to all his text and social media chats without touching his phone. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, now i have enough evidence to institute divorce against him. You can contact this hacker via Gmail ( cyberhackingsage) or Text and speak to him on phone +1 424 236 2391 thank me later.
I have to admit I've struggled with this affliction to some degree. I realize that my behaviors are my choice and I have control over them. I'm just grateful for God saving me 25 years ago otherwise I'd be a monster today.
Damn, you just described a good chunk of corporate American upper management.
@@joseenoel8093 I would believe what you state, I have spent decades in corporate America and the behavior that I have observed, or had delivered upon me, was unbelievable. I can also say that it has progressively become worse since I entered "arena" in the late 1970's. I feel bad for the younger people that are in these corporate positions now. It is extremely difficult to preserve a marriage, raise children, pay bills, save some money, endure long hours, especially when you work for a psycho nut job, that will sabotage and undermine workplace results. Read the book called "Snakes In Suits," Paul Babiak and Robert Hare.
& corporate run government! Thing is..... how do we get them out of power. 😕
@@darkcrystal8646 That is the million dollar question!
@@sunbeagle9769
World wide strike may help....
✌🗺
They end up in those positions because their aggressive traits are seen as leadership. "What a go-getter!" And the people that see them for what they are risk being fired if they say anything. It's a vicious cycle.
This is my ex to a TEE. I've known she was narcissistic but adding borderline to it fits so much better. Thank you for helping me not feel crazy and helping understand what I went through and that others have suffered the same
This is my soon to be EX to a T😔
Good advice ~ ‘Don’t lecture, don’t shame. Maintain a sense of decency’.
The most important lesson to take away from the experience.
Thank you 🙏🏽
Dr. Carter...I want to thank you for what you do. I am a mother of an estranged adult daughter who has borderline personality disorder. Until I began therapy for myself seven years ago, I had no idea what borderline personality was. After several years of therapy I was able to accept that no contact with her was best for me and for my daughter as well. I miss the idea of having a mother/daughter relationship, but I cannot subject myself to her abuse. I pray that God will grant her peace.
Laurie Demko Me too, mid 30s daughter who lives a 5 mins drive away, is often very close to my home. Hugely difficult relationship. Have tried to go no contact properly in 2 occasions recently but she's v clever at hoovering me back and I generally keep falling for it, which I think I know has to stop. Since we sometimes have family issues to discuss or visit eg my father, aunt, brother (& family) or son (a family), I think going grey rock might have to be the answer for me. She doesn't want children but might have one for the sake of her relationship with her boyfriend, a few years younger than her, who does eventually want one. As he is a lovely boy from a lovely solid home (they don't live nearby), even if she has a child one day, I can see it being withheld from me to cause maximum pain, as has happened with my son's children (heartbreaking beyond belief). She's belligerent, negative, critical, always right of course, and verbally abusive with me, dissatisfied, reductive, tries and usually succeeds at isolating me, making me feel like the disordered one.
I've just had a distant male cousin to stay a couple of days and first she turned on him (to me) verbally suggesting/warning (hoping?) he might be a pervert, a rapist, a serial killer (he is a decent and gentle person who had a very angry narcissist father and has a narc sister & niece plus ex bosses (women) and was amazingly nice to have around for a few days (will be returning). Now she has changed tactic slightly and is saying he is jeopardising my tenancy, my new part time job (starting in 2 days) and my benefits, backed up by her stepfather, my ex husband no. 2 with whom she shares a home (he is probably a covert narcissist (ditto my brother) whereas my daughter and my father are overt narcs. My cousin is such a gentle person that my daughter may succeed in scaring him away from staying which of course is her aim. These people wear such a mask all day, every day out in the world and then take it all out on you/nearest & dearest (but not on her boyfriend & family), we do them no favours by allowing them to continue with their bullying tactics.
I noticed her becoming definitely more horrible/difficult from about age 8. I know we will miss out on what should be a (good) mother/daughter relationship but it just isn't there anyhow, it's all twisted out of shape. Other family members/people don't get what living with or near or dealing with narcs is like if they haven't lived it, and you just look like the bad guy if you try to share any of it. Narcs are very into victim/sufferer blaming. They are full of anger and rants.
Good luck to you 🍀🍀🍀
I've never felt more validated for being a recluse. People suck.
Ha ha.
I can be somewhat reclusive too, but people do not suck. No one is perfect, and we need each other. Relationships teach us how to love and forgive.
Me 2
Thank you. Well done.
Most human beings are nothing more than containment vessels for the production of human excrement, with an ego attached......
Wonderful presentation of a very painful reality. It is usually a family member and you love and want the best for them but the eggshells, fury and drama of their lives is exhausting. "Maintain goodness and decency" is the best advice, and boundaries MUST be maintained. Even when they are met with ridicule, sarcasm and anger.
I've had to look into BPD for a while now. It's my humble opinion that BPD is created in childhood by narcissistic parents. Narcs are such toxic events--especially to children during their formative years--that is often creates the core issue of BPD (massive fear of abandonment) and yes, like many people are saying here, BPD can be healed and recovered from. The big difference (again, in my humble opinion) people with BPD still have a conscious, and their insecurity can actually act as self doubt to the point of self awareness and looking for solutions. They can actually admit something is wrong with them, take responsibility, and change. Narcissists seem to have no self awareness or the humility to admit something is wrong, and certainly not take responsibility. There is a huge difference between BPD and NPD in my opinion.
It can develop from ADHD also. My mom was bipolar and I ended being ADHD as a child then BPD as an adult. It's from being an exposed to an emotionally unstable parent.
I can hardly believe this: every aspect of my 25 year marriage described WORD FOR WORD. I’m shaking. The validation I’m getting from this is IMMENSE. But I’m still shaking. You’re talking about my life.
Keep leaning forward! Dr. C
I said it before on other narc videos....The best way to deal with a narc is to cut them off completely.
Definitely no contact is the best. However, if you must interact with them, have strong boundaries intact to save your sanity. Wow... They thrive on chaos and drama which wears out most sane people. The cure is emotional intelligence and strong boundaries for sure. 💕🙏✨🦋
@@LaSharonIsbellPilates 100% best comment
Yes ,you forguive ,tolerate and guive people all the chances ,but if they keep disrespecting , hurting and being ungrateful to you again and again ,it's better that you simply cut then of your life , sametimes you have to do that in order to find your mental and emotional balance,it's difficult but you have to save yourself from being drown in their sew of filthy wather...
@Sunanda Kathalay I can imagine that it would be difficult if children are involved. But even in that scenario you have to move very strategically.
@@mariaseidi4764 So True but it came with a price. I went through anxiety, depression and anger only because every time I tried to break off the 2 year relationship she retaliated with threats and filed four restraining orders on me for every four times I tried getting away. Now I have to get a lawyer because she made me lose my gun license and my job. She lied to the judge saying I grabbed her which I never would do and attacked my moral character. All four police reports justify "no physical contact" but the liberal judge granted her a restraining order with no proof. Oh well, at least she's out of my life so I can move on and become a stronger person. Good Luck all....You'll need it.
I struggled in a romantic relationship like this for three years before finally admitting defeat, feeling broken, confused and abandoned. Searching for answers, I began learning about BPD and other personality dynamics, which was partly a relief but also the cause of incredible grief and anger - so much wasted time and energy ignorantly trying to ‘solve’ a problem that had no solution (not a logical one, anyway).
I know now the real problem to solve was inside me - why I felt compulsively drawn to a person who would punish me for loving them. (When you start asking yourself that, you’re starting to ask better questions. And pro tip: the answer is found in your childhood.)
It’s been 18 months since I began no contact. It has been difficult. Unbearable sometimes. I still miss the idea of her and there is still emotion wrapped up with those memories - longing, sadness, anger, jealousy, fear, humiliation, doubt and rejection. But I understand it all. There’s acceptance most days. And compassion - a desire for her to be okay. Because she is suffering the same thing I was, only worse, and probably still hurting others. No one truly wants to live like that.
I’ve found love again, but now it’s for myself. It’s building slowly. You have to be patient. But it’s the answer to the lifelong pain you’re feeling if you’ve been where I’ve been.
People like Doc Carter help a lot to point the way (thank you, sir), but you have to make the journey yourself. I’m on the path. If you are too, keep going.
Andy, I just ended an almost 3 year relationship myself with a BPD with narcissistic tendencies, having to admit defeat as well. So I am only one month no contact, and, well, to be honest, i recently broke that, and for the life of me I can't remember why. Regardless, I'm starting over and will try this again. Any suggestions or tips you might be able to offer would be greatly appreciated. Any suggested books for reading? Thank you, Angie
Hi Angie. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. I understand how you might be feeling. The ache is intense. I found it came in waves, so when you’re feeling down try to remember it will pass if you’re patient. Learning to love yourself as much as you ‘love’ them doesn’t sound hard, but it sure tests me.
I’ve read lots of books and taken something from most. Some I’ve listened to repeatedly include: Whole Again by Jackson Mackenzie; Healing your emotional self by Beverly Engel; and Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjelstad. But there’s a big difference between listening to a book and working it.
Good luck. Great job asking for help. That’s a huge step. Take a little one every day and soon you’ll be somewhere far from where you’ve been.
Same here. More women than ever are stricken with this
I just ended a relationship with my partner of 4 years. It’s crazy how you consider someone your soulmate and truely believe that they are feeling the exact same way you are.
If I asked myself last year “Do you believe this will happen now”, I would’ve called myself crazy. Despite all the betrayal I’ve come to learn on a short basis I still miss and hope she’s ok. It’s really helpful seeing your guy’s comments and seeing that you can move on through the pain. How is everyone going in the comments anyways? I hope all is well and the recovery stage is getting easier.
I have this type of disorder and I have issues insecurities. Now I know where I fit
Enough is never enough. Whew so true. You cannot give enough love, money, support, empathy, understanding, tolerance, forgiveness, time, attention, admiration, compliments, respect, or nurturing.
Everything you say can and will be used against you as well as everything you don’t say, do, share, achieve.
Never attempt to do better/always do better
Never suffer the silent treatment silently, you better grovel
Never try to sleep angry, you are not allowed to be angry
Never attempt to end circular conversation, they always get to talk
Never confront them, it’s a personal attack
Never reveal the pain they cause, they are the victim
Never say you can’t take it anymore, they always knew you would abandon them
Never have a positive body image, it means you are insulting theirs
Never ask for their help, they always have too many stresses already.
To sum it up a relationship with a BDP is black and white. You always do, never ask
Always sacrifice/never expect
Always show kindness/never expect return
To step into this world was the most exhausting experience of my life. He couldn’t articulate (or wouldn’t) his thought process, no. I think He knew it would lead to the realization that I don’t think that way.
It’s a shame really. The amount of energy he invested in “making” me understand him. He only had to share what he really felt and we could have worked together vs his badgering me to behave in a way that didn’t offend him.
He is an eternal victim of his own mind.
My husband is a borderline narcissist. I just wanted to thank you for your video. It is like you were talking about my life!! I feel a little better knowing someone understands.
I wasted two years of twenties trying to help and love this kind of a boy. Do not fucking do it. It is a waste of your life. I felt obligated. He suffered so deeply and would praise me how I was his help and I made him feel better.
At the end, he called crying as I was in a mental hospital after abusing and gaslighting me for so long I finally had a break down after pouring myself to him for two years. He cried and said how do I dare be in a hospital and his bed is empty, so he had to sleep with someone else. I asked very little for me the whole time and I got cheated for having a break down due to him.
Leave. Sooner than later.
👏 agree. Wonderful that you took care of yourself and left. Very happy to read this story. All the best! 🍀🍀🍀🍀🍀
In order to protect my sanity I watch these videos as a reinforcement not to avail myself in anyway. I know keeping contact is a non stop rollercoaster of emotions. Thank you Dr. Carter, you're the best ❤
Keep up your efforts! Glad to be on the journey with you. Dr. C
I use to have all the symptoms of borderline personality disorder, then I had a very momentous turning point in my life - and from that point all of the symptoms dissipated, almost like I had been under a spell - and then it was lifted. The turning point was finding God - the bible says "you shall seek me and find me when you shall search for me with all your heart" Jeremiah 29:13. I didn't know I was supposed to be searching for Him. But when I did (and used scripture as my guide) I found Him to be True, and my whole life changed. There is a security and a peace that passes all understanding when you know God. He is the reason we exist and when we find Him - He sets our hearts and minds right again.
Paula dear sister now you definitely know this is a *SPIRITUAL* issue. You are living proof of it! Like with the posessed man of the Gadarenes (Mark 5) who was absolutely sane after meeting Jesus. Unfortunately, the Gadarenes didn't like Jesus so don't the psychologists. That's why they will never be able to help someone either. Blessings your way, much love! 🙏💝
@Sandra Roche Praise God! And I agree, counseling can really only identify the problem and offer behavior modification as a solution, which is really just a band-aid. Only Jesus Christ can change us from the inside out!
Here is my testimony for anyone interested:
ua-cam.com/video/E6s0wmArQLY/v-deo.html
Thanks Paula, I recently figured out that faith is a tool in the toolbox to be exercised. Faith is a gift from Holy Spirit living in you. So no one can believe on Christ until they receive the tool (faith) to exercise. Pharisees toolboxes are empty, even with evidence screaming at them. Praise to Him that you know Him & He knows you! Blessings
@@aaronconklin3322 Exactly! Faith 'cometh' by hearing and hearing by the Word of God. Faith is given to you by God when you examine the evidence (the Bible) and are fully persuaded. Thank you for making that point Aaron! To believe in God is not an intellectual decision. We don't "decide" to believe in anything else we believe to be true. We can't "make" ourselves believe in God, otherwise it's make-believe!
Here's a really great discussion my husband did about real and make belief, if you're interested.
ua-cam.com/video/iMpToulk1i0/v-deo.html
@@psparks73 Thanks again! Please pray for my wife a Christian Pharisee/covert narc, married 17 years w/5 kids now. I read these together Matt 7:22-23, 1Cor 8:3, 1John 4:7-8 & John 6:37-40, 44
Coram Deo
If only I had this information ten years ago to prepare myself for one wild relationship which is encapsulated perfectly by your talk today! BPD with narcissism is so unbelievable in dealing with in the long run.
All of Dr Carter’s videos are really good, but this may be the best one. They are such wounded people, and by the time the victim realizes who they are dealing with, so much damage has been done.
Everything, and I mean everything, in this video is 100% true. The narcissist, or borderline, is a really bad child that has adult buying power. You can ground your kid, but not them. The more you try treating them as an equal, the more they take. Never enough.
You have a better chance of reasoning with a 3 year old than the narcissist.
Excellent analysis!!! Its so true....I dealt with a person just like that for 3 years and what I thought could be good, was a literal nightmare!!!
My favorite is all their wrong doings is what they will accuse you of😂 When in fact my brain doesn't even work like that. No kidding this guy has called me a liar, cheater oh and let's not forget, "BITCH you can't buy me!" But "can you give me more money?!?!" Last of all favorites, "Why did you leave me?" "Don't you know how much I love you and need you?" Notice the word "NEED" instead of, "WANT"? Plus if I were guilty all of those horrible accusations why would he want me back? The answer is really simple...In that delusional BPD brain of his he knew the truth was he was merely accusing me of everything he was guilty of. I will NEVER speak to him again, therefore, I am still receiving letters of rage and love (His idea of love) combined. Attempted phone calls etc....These people will drain you of even your soul if you let them. You can only forgive them in your heart for your own healthy & happy ending. Good luck and much happiness to those of you who are moving on😘 STAY BLESSED🙏
Love this expression, 'a really bad child with adult buying power'!
Spud Mug
We loved people that can’t show love, and can’t be loved. It’s taken me a long, long time to finally realize it was hopeless.
I wish I knew 10 years ago what I do now. But we all lived in this land of hope for way too long.
We can’t appreciate these videos until we finally accept that our relationship with them is a dead end.
That’s when our recovery starts.
Cling / rage. YES! Walking on eggshells constantly. Very black & white (no middle ground). And sometimes they are triggered by absolutely nothing. I just have to keep reminding myself it's not about me - it's about her. Thanks for another illuminating talk, Dr. Carter!
I think it's important to add that BPD is a spectrum, (from what I have read), & so people with it are not necessarily as bad as described in the video. BPD can be improved with Dialectical Behaviour Therapy. Also, BPD can be caused by Attachment Trauma, which means that as babies, toddlers, etc., people with BPD received unhealthy bonding from their parents. There are therapists, courses, videos & books that can help you sort it all out. Not everyone with a disorder is a hopeless case. There are millions of us who recognise that we are unhealthy & who work long and hard to improve ourselves.
It's so true
Yes, it very much is a spectrum disorder. What he described is a very low functioning border line.
@YES! This Is Pro-Aging I'm so sorry that you have been subjected to such horrible abuse. I hope that you are taking good care of yourself & getting the help & support required to get healthy. I'm glad that you survivors are supporting each other. It's so important to have other people who understand what you've gone through! Bless you all!
thank you. I get tired of the attitude that you should round up all borderlines and lock them up in Alcatraz and blow them up with TNT. Borderlines are people too. With medication, therapy and a will, they can overcome the same obstacles we all face. This "throw people under the bus" attitude that Dr. Less has is not for me.
@@hopeeternal6475
Medication is actually not as helpful as the therapies that are available... I know from experience...
I was married to a diagnosed NPD comorbid with BPD..... mood changes would often come 4 before 10 AM! He’d totally overreact to the most minor situations. It was like living with a 6’ tall toddler! Wore me slick.... very content now.
MsKK909 damn.. every person says “was married” to a person like this whether it 4 years or 40 years..
I’ve only married for 5 months and we are expecting our second child..
only after marriage did I realize who he really is..
sounds like I’m screwed😐
I want to help him and understand him but always end up so frustrated I want to scream at the top of my lungs..🤦🏻♀️
Eva MZ Best thing to do is leave. You can waste years. Trust me. I did.
@@evamz9584 good to realized this lie of your reality. But it is true for you to get away now.
Married 25 yrs and 3 kids.
Just 3 years this awareness
Wasn't me as the blamed bad
They are stuck in toddlerhood. Very dangerous when you think about it. Total lack of responsibility.
Sounds like the people I know dramatic,immature,full of anger,pointing fingers , center of attention ,one sided about everything , never taking responsibility , twisting our words .
My daughter. She became BPD after living with my narcissist parents. She clings and she rages. She was such a well-adjusted child, but she changed. It is so sad.
Thanks Dr. Carter! I had a live in landlord who played made up drama games, controlled me conversations and chaotic living conditions... none of his renters liked living there. Thank God I am in a healthier place to live!🌤️
Ouch! As someone recovering from BPD, this is like looking into the mirror at my past self. I was definitely stuck in my own head constantly & needing approval & validation from others.
However, when I didn't get it my rage was directed inward, rarely ever outward. I had such a low opinion of myself that I would hate myself more for driving someone away. The other was almost always idealized, while I was usually the target of my devaluation. This of course made me a very alluring to narcissists. I had no core sense of self, so I was very malleable & we both agreed that they were amazing while I was worthless without them. Both of my ex-husbands were highly narcissistic. My first husband had Machiavellian tendencies, putting ambition & accomplishment above all & never took my feelings seriously. This made me highly vulnerable to my second husband who was a covert "sensitive" narcissist. And when the intense love-bombing ended & the devaluation began, I became highly suicidal because my second husband was treating me just like the first. This made me conclude that this was the inevitable result of getting to know the "real me" & that I could only be dealt with effectively with emotional & psychological abuse. I became highly suicidal, because I only saw my value in term of how others saw me. So what's the point of living if every relationship is doomed to turn abusive, the abuse being all my fault & the idea of living alone was absolutely terrifying. I couldn't bear the idea of such a painful & meaningless existence.
It wasn't until I hit that rock-bottom when I had a life-changing epiphany: I cannot possibly be fair to my family & loved ones if I am so UNFAIR to myself. By constantly criticizing myself over every little mistake, reinforcing a belief that I worthless & unlovable, I kept myself so demoralized that I couldn't be an effective wife & mother. I started DBT soon after & made tremendous improvements. However it was never good enough for my second husband. In fact by the end he kept insisting that I wasn't getting better, I was getting worse. He would even ramp up the abuse cycle so that at it's worst we would go through a full cycle in less than a day. It wasn't until EMDR that I was able to weaken the trauma bond enough to finally accept the discard instead of begging & pleading to stop it.
It will be a year since we separated in November. My recovery continues, which now includes cPTSD too. I am very proud of the progress I've made. But something I struggle with is was I really so hopeless that the only way I could recover was to be abused by 2 different narcissists? Would it have been possible for someone decent to love me in a way that could have inspired me to recover without enabling me or was the abuse actually necessary?
My tears flow for your pain
I have been in these dark places you had been tricked into lies about who you are and who it made you become
Glad for your freedom and healing process. Gives hope.
Bless you in peace and love
I'm glad you're getting help and in recovery. I've been watching these videos for months. I've noticed almost no actual narcs posting about how they're getting help. None that I can recall, and I read lots of comments. Yet this one video also talks about PBD and several sufferers are talking about how they've gotten help.
That's very revealing about narcs.
In my experience the headgames that go on in these relationships can make the other person very bitter, every realtionship ive been in with a bpd person has been abusive... hope you can get help, but still man.... i don't know what to think anymore...
@VidBint - Regarding your questions at the end of your comment ... No the abuse (suffering) was / is not necessary - we can learn without suffering too, through INSIGHT, but that happens once we have developed SELF-AWARENESS - Also, no matter how much someone loves you it will not become the reason for your change unless you value and desire that change YOURSELF and also when you yourself have the necessary motivation and determination to change but even then if you change only for others (to please them, to keep them in your life or in an effort to get their love or approval) then the minute they are not there or you yourself devalue them then out goes your motivation and commitment to change. I have found that the BEST reason for change is to do so because of the inherent worth and value that our Creator has bestowed on us which is why a relationship with God is the most enduring bond we can ever develop and it holds you together even if everything else disintegrates around you and lasts long after the last person you know is gone. The best investment of your time is to become fully aware of Him and when you do you will realize that in doing so you have become fully aware of ‘you’ and after that no one will be able to confuse or deceive you (at least not without your permission) about who you are and what your purpose in life is / is not. It’s a fascinating and beautiful journey that empowers you and heals your wounds in a way that the best of therapists in this world can’t.
Btw, you’ve done tremendous work - that in itself is a very positive sign and I applaud you for that.
@
Yes, I am happy to report that I have worked on myself intensively & I no longer suffer from BPD. I no longer require depression or anxiety meds.
And since the root or my dysfunction has be addressed & I have the tools to discern what is mine & what is someone else’s, I now have wonderful relationships with both my ex-husbands. Turns out a lot of what I perceived as narcissism was a reaction to my own dysfunction triggering theirs. Now that I can recognize & alchemize my own triggers, they can recognize & deal with their own because they aren’t trying to “correct” me in their own dysfunctional way.
You explain it so well! It's so sad, but they are so difficult that it is hard to have a relationship with them.
Oh, the splitting is one of the worst and hardest things to deal with in BPD sufferers. There's no amount of guarding what you say. They are able to twist innocent and even positive events into a conspiracy against them, especially when they start feeling too close to you. Closeness triggers them, they start feeling controlled and engulfed even when you're not doing a thing that suggests control.
Always a one extreme to another reaction to closeness is right. They react to closeness by feeling both engulfed while taking offense or they react to closeness by trying to move us and them along at lightning speed into the future right after they had future faked promised a honeymoon in the future while promising the moon to us too on only our 3rd date with them. Too many of us women have been sold the lie that the later extreme is normal for men and too many men have been sold the lie that the former extreme taking offense reaction to only a romantic kiss offered to them on their door step is normal for women while more than that -- It must be a sign only that they are for sure pure.
Thank you for this. Every time I watch one of your videos, my eyes are opened a little wider.
This one was extremely hard for me to hear because my ex accused me of having BPD many times. As much as I hate to admit that a narcissist may be right, I think in this case he may be.
It sounded like you were 75% describing me and I don’t want to be this way anymore. I plan on seeking diagnosis and treatment. I truly believe everyone has the capacity to change if they want to.
Here’s hoping for a brighter future
I was married to this. It was a 10 year nightmare. These folks seek out "rescuer" types. I'm a giving person and this was how I got hooked in. She broke me down and I ended up in a mental hospital. Then I divorced her and life got better, but it took a year of therapy and hard work to recover myself. She left me homeless and in debt up to my eyeballs. Life is much better now.
Eric Herman Try a thirty five year nightmare !
Bless you . I hope you are all good now .
@@ericherman5413 hi can you please give examples of what specific types of behaviors they did and acted like? Sorry if this is hard to do but I just need more information
Told Me He Doesn’t Want Me Around Him Because Im Too Negative , And I Don’t Do As I’m Told When Going Place’s With Them 🕊
You just described my Ex gf to the letter.. She was EXACTLY as you described.. I knew she was Borderline.. I picked up on that with in a week, and she admitted it to me.. For the first 2 months everything was great.. We had so much in common and I'm very empathic.. I wanted to rescue her and I really saw her inner pain.. What I didn't expect was she was a Narc as well, and that threw me to the wall when I realized it.. She was so wonderful at first, suddenly she turned into an absolute abusive beast, but she needed me and kept me around.. I eventually couldn't take it anymore and I left.. As well as most of her friends left her.. It's so sad to see someone who at times seems so sweet and beautiful.. I hold nothing against her, not even for all the damage she did to my life.. I'll never talk to her again, but I do very much love her still..
:((
I am glad you're doing a video on BPD
I had lots of requests, so here it is. Dr. C
@@SurvivingNarcissism thank you :)
Me too! If you know a narcissist there's often a borderline around too.. Thank you Dr.!
@@annettec7271 Not all borderlines have Narcissistic Personality Disorder! Some BPDs are actually empaths! I have some frieywho have BPD and they are all empaths and so is one of my family members. And a lot of them have unfortunately fallen prey to people with NPD.
@The Wordy Woodstock Therapist Talks is quite good as well. I hope you have the opportunity to build a good support network.
Look after yourself and Good Luck!
I married a woman who was diagnosed with BPD and was also a closet methamphetamine user. It was the most stressful 2 months of my life. After only 2 months she falsely charged me with assault and sexual assault. She had a false witness (fellow drug user). I was facing 14 yesrs in prison. Somehow I got her pregnant right before she had me thrown in jail so she sobered up, cut ties with the false witness, and all charges were withdrawn as there was no evidence. I developed very high blood pressure and I'm an otherwise healthy 36 year old. I cannot have contact with her even though it's legally allowed now, because she occasionally abuses substance again and it's too stressful for me. I cannot stress enough how helpful Dr. Les Carter's videos have been in the wake of this unfortunate relationship. This video in particular hit the nail right on the head in all areas I experienced. It made me cry because I wish there was some way I could help her and be re-united with my wife & son. I've hired a therapist $165/session and it's also helping tremendously.
Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you Dr. Les Carter!!!!!!
My ex is a diagnosed borderline, and every point you made I had to deal with, including her rage machine mode. I now deal with the black and white part of her thinking style, and poisoning our kids with all the fear and negativity she paints me with. This was a spot on talk about BPD and those of us dealing with the victim side of this disorder.
Sometimes I think CPTSD is actually the humble twin of BPD.. both with similar origins but one refuses to become like its abuser.
Naomi Anomaly Wisdom is sometimes mandatory in a relationship. I discovered my husband was a cheating Narcissist through the help of cyberhackingsage who helped cloned my husband’s cell phone and i got access to all his text and social media chats without touching his phone. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, now i have enough evidence to institute divorce against him. You can contact this hacker via Gmail ( cyberhackingsage) or Text and speak to him on phone +1 424 236 2391 thank me later.
Cool, thanks for your help Spamela Anderson
Kind of like an empath is the twin of a narcissist, but manages to go into another direction (not necessarily a functional one, but far less outwardly destructive)?
Yup! I’ve been diagnosed with both but I don’t rage out like people with BPD commonly do and I don’t have a fear of abandonment so I think my BPD is misdiagnosed CPTSD honestly .
Karah Jackson, you might seek a second opinion. Fear of abandonment is pretty key for BPD diagnosis, at least, as I understand it.
Wow- you hit the nail on the head with the marathon discussions.
I have BPD myself (dx 2008) and I’ll be honest, it did “hurt” hearing Dr. C describe the common traits of BPD, but I still needed to hear it. I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want to cause emotional pain on others. I want to be more aware of my emotions and how they affect others. I’m also in the midst of learning about the narcissistic abuse I had/have throughout my life, including to this day. I guess my brother turned to narcissism, and I ended up turning to BPD, so to speak. It’s just exhausting for all parties involved. I just want to continue healing, learn more about myself and how I interact with others, while at the same time protecting myself from abuse and making sure I don’t inadvertently abuse others in any way shape or form.
You and I are in the same boat, mate. Watching this video was painful, honestly, and I don't like that I've hurt people and have thought to often, "What have I done?", that I knew I needed to seek help for it. I was convinced I was a narcissist and I was scared and wanted to know how to manage it but was shocked when I was diagnosed with BPD, yet, it all made so much sense! My therapist and DBT are life-savers. It's embarrassing and painful to realize how destructive and harmful my behavior was and how badly it affected other people and I realized, I don't want to harm people, I have to change. It's been almost two years and what started as extremely difficult to practice (DBT) that I would get migraines from consciously applying it, is more like second-nature now. There are, of course, some days that are tougher than others and a struggle but I havent exhibited the same destruction I used to. Reading comments like yours and knowing there are others who are actively working on their BPD was one of the things that gave me hope and motivated me to work towards that improvement so thank you.
When others get accurate info on BPD it makes it easier to help and accommodate where possible. The knowledge helped me better understand a friend. Sometimes I hurt for her.
These traits are spot on. But I do believe that some people with borderline personality disorder manipulate unintentionally. Their defense mechanisms cause a push and pull pattern but they are just trying to protect themselves. It’s no excuse for the chaos and drama that can be caused, but I think that they do want to love but just don’t know how.
Ashley Mintz It seems that way, doesn’t it. This is where I have to be cautious as a hsp, I am deeply sensitive to the inner workings of all, and am easily drawn in 🙏🏽
@@lissacablerware8475 I'm an hsp and have BPD traits. I'm sure there are empaths with BPD among other mental illnesses. I can assure you that not all people with BPD are the same. There's a spectrum. Just like in general, not all people of any group are the same.
People are complex and just because they share a mental illness doesn't make them all the same and one dimensional. We have unique pasts, physiological workings and coping mechanisms.
I have been watching your Narcissism videos and saying, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" but I watch this Borderline video and say, "YES! YES! YES!" I knew I was dealing with a person with complex problems. It is so overwhelming to know how to handle a person with such mental problems.
“Maintain goodness and decency”...that’s what I’ll try to do, Dr C.
Rebecca English-Tenji it’s the best lesson to walk away with 😊
Yet another uncannily accurate description of the former Narcs in my life. Every detail resonates.
I used to work with a psychiatrist that would openly tell new partners of Borderlines, RUN, and she'd explain what they were in for. It was sad but true.
Wow that's quite a blanket statement, and a rather dangerous one, to make of people suffering from BPD. Narcissism and BPD are two different things. There have been a good number of people who suffer from BPD that are self-aware and actually work to change their behavior by seeing a doctor and apply either DBT or CBT (sometimes, medication is necessary, sometimes it isnt, it's case-to-case)
Their rage and instability isnt consistent but are triggered by trauma. So when they have realized that their behavior due to their triggers are harmful, the ones who seek help and actively work on their behavior, well, it would be unfair to be judgemental of people actively trying to improve and become more mindful and have more control over their actions because they actually dont want to harm people and care to do so. Like I said, a lot of those who ha e been diagnosed with BPD go on to become people who have been successful in leading truly happy lives wherein they function well within the society.
Unlike narcissists or psychopaths, borderlines are not void of empathy. When undiagnosed and untreated, they basically just feel things to an extreme and therefore, their behavior may become destructive and harmful. But they arent monsters that should be locked up and shunned from society, especially, the ones who have learned and successfully manage their behavior seamlessly that it becomes second-nature to them to have healthy boundaries and ways of managing their anger. Sigh. I mean no offense but it's upsetting that your psychiatrist would say something like that.
@@infairvarona not my psychiatrist, one I was employed along with....this was her practice you are making it sound like this had my support and approval. This was a psych hospital so the doctor had seen the worst of the worst cases and no I'm not making a statement.
@@joywebster2678 I didn't mean to make a statement that felt that was targeting you, I actually said, "your psychiatrist", (when you said "worked" I thought you worked as a team when you hired her, not that you worked alongside her, my apologies). I wont lie, your comment stung because it seemed like you were backing up her statement by saying it was, "sad, but true".
@@infairvarona what she did was sad but true.
@@joywebster2678 oh thank you for clarifying. And I agree, it is very sad that she makes blanket statements about people with BPD like that when a good number of those who have suffered have been treated successfully and have gone on to live functioning lives with success and are not a harm to society.
I'm so glad you've posted this... despite having everything I've experienced confirmed!
It's cold-comfort but greatly appreciated!
Thank you! :)
A narcissist could convince you that you have BPD whilst in a relationship. Any emotion, insecurity or jealousy that showed up whilst being with him, was me being accused of being disordered.
Hoth 100 Wisdom is sometimes mandatory in a relationship. I discovered my husband was a cheating Narcissist through the help of cyberhackingsage who helped cloned my husband’s cell phone and i got access to all his text and social media chats without touching his phone. Thanks to cyberhackingsage, now i have enough evidence to institute divorce against him. You can contact this hacker via Gmail ( cyberhackingsage) or Text and speak to him on phone +1 424 236 2391 thank me later.
I am in tears with relief hearing this BPD info. My EXACT situation. Working on escape as my Narc is violent. Freedom in Honolulu 2020.
I had to watch this several times. Thank you so much Dr. Carter. You just validated so much for so many people. Every single day that I go silent on this person I guess stronger and I get better and I respect myself more. These people do not change and watching your video really reassures me that I’m making the right decision for myself.
I was diagnosed as BPD. I am working on myself. I stay away from others because I know how toxic/unmanageable I can be. Childhood trauma is apparently at the core.
All is not lost. There is hope.
No rage, but INTENSE depression and self-pity. For no reason.
I love Dr. Carter's videos. He is so insightful! He offers so much clarity on a very tough subject! Thank you, thank you for these videos!!
So glad I found this video. It first aired before I found Dr Carter ☀️. I’m late catching up (5 years) but I found it Dr C.
My malignant narcissistic sister once accused me of having BPD. Now I can see she was projecting onto me what she could not see or deal with within herself.
As a matter of self-checking, I asked my own therapist if this label could possibly fit me. My therapist’s exact response was “Not even close.” 💥
Glad it resonated!
You rock, Dr. Les ! So much validation, de-programming and healing has come from these videos. Thank you so much for your generousity, kindness and empathy, Dr. Les. God Bless you, Sir !
Received, with gratitude. Dr. C
Thank you for your videos. They have helped me with the narcissistic and borderline personality disorder nightmare that my oldest child has set upon me. On Facebook, she has admitted that she has PTSD and borderline personality disorder. I didn't know what BPD was so I came to UA-cam for answers. I found some of the help that I need but her verbal and emotional abuse has become so volatile that someone told me that she was also a narcissist because of her trying to manipulate me. From what I have discovered just yesterday, she is a malignant narcissist. I don't know about the PTSD. She has lied so much about her childhood that I wonder if she made herself believe that she does have PTSD, but I can see clearly the narcissism and the borderline personality disorder.
As someone with enough symptoms of BPD to be DSM-5 diagnosable (but I'm a 'quiet' type so I don't rage), I oddly don't feel 'attacked' by this. Thank you for your compassionate approach, Dr Carter. You're addressing people who have been hurt by individuals with BPD (and you might even have been hurt by one, yourself), and yet you still have kindness for the perpetrator, in the way you represent them.
A wonderful narrative about this extremely complex disorder. Helpful and enlightening as always.
My ex best friend was indeed the Borderline and treated me as her "favourite person" exhausting was an understatement, seemed like a nice person on first few meetings but then relentless phone calls,texts at odd hours , manipulation, suicide threats, demanding all my time, checking up on me, driving past my house, contacting my family, getting abusive and violent with extreme jealousy , and like you said the statement she always used was "You Owe Me" ..... thats just a small account of my experiences.....Im happy to say that Im no contact after her trying to hoover me for over 2 years!! Its not over but Im relocating soon, still recovering thanks Doc for your great videos
The FP ie favorite person is a popular term in the BPD world. What a ride!!
Let's not forget the chronic emptiness ie enough is never enough and satisfaction seems to never happen. It's a real issue.
Thanks for the most helpful youtube vid I’ve ever watched. You’ve saved my life and what’s left of my relationship. Wow, no self-help book or web page has ever struck so accurately at the core of my partner’s issues. Not that I haven’t got my own but the depth of clarity presented here gives me all I need to break a bewildering cycle of dysfunction.
Several years ago, I minimized, then severed, the relationship with my sister who is a toxic blend of narcissism and BPD. Our relationship was an emotional roller coaster I had to get off. She was extremely verbally abusive and a gaslight manipulator who believed she "knew me better than I knew myself." I do not regret my decision. She is a late stage alcoholic who is the "smartest person in the room" so you better show deference to her. She is a tragic figure that needs help but thinks she has everything "under control." She has conned herself into believing she is in control...when her emotions are controlling her. I could no longer be the target of her inner rage and emptiness and stopped responding completely. My silence and unwillingness to fight provoked her even more. I had to examine the reasons I allowed this pattern to develop between us. It is difficult when the toxic person in your life is a family member, but I knew I had to let go. If anyone else finds themselves in a toxic sibling relationship, I urge them to examine the patterns that created the dynamic and then give yourself permission to let go of that person. Chances are slim they will ever change....It seems empathic gestures are understood as capitulation and weakness to the narc and an opportunity for a fresh attach. I knew I could no longer step back into the relational ring, with the lion that is my sister, and not get attached. My solution was to choose not to have any contact with her. I wish for her contentment and peace, but that is something only she can provide for herself.
Congratulations! I did the same with all my siblings...the one I idolized since childhood was the worst. In adulthood we were on a 3 year rollercoaster between conversations. I FINALLY got off pemanently... and still feel sad for her.
I too broken free and have zero contact. I became unsure of myself.
She even degraded my vfb dog which pretty much put the nail in the coffin, so to speak.
My husband's mother fits this description in every way possible. I knew she wasn't just a narcissistic person. Without giving too much personal info someone close to me who works in healthcare suggested my husband's mother sounds BPD. I didn't know much about it but after having that one person chime in suddenly the descriptions made sense along with NPD. Your video hit the nail on the head. Everything. Check, check, check, check. From the eating disorders to the spirituality, to the wanting money from others and for them to take care of her, everything you said.
It seems lately it's like she just says stuff that isn't even true. Nothing is ever good enough. Everything is a major catastrophe and we all must cater to her. My husband all on his own went low contact, but I find myself unable to rest. I worry too much about what she could do so long as my husband has a hard time talking about it. He's doing right by me, but the fact some of this crazy stuff goes on without any kind of distinct acknowledgement from him makes it hard for me to cope with it. I think that's why I'm stuck on this.
I feel fearful but other than it being a difficult topic, my husband listens at times, but I just don't see us having an open conversation about this any time soon and I think that's the root of my anxiety about his mother. It's like when we see her, we've entered a fantasy but everyone acts like it's real, including me. I will take your advice, he already has made the realization that he cannot help her with her issues. We used to talk for HOURS with her about never ending issues and it just became so apparent to him (and even me) that this person has no intention of changing a thing, she just wants US, namely him.
You nailed it-! Been married to this for 44 years. All I can do is go inside myself and let him rage. Constantly.
I was the rescuer for my narc father. I tried rescuing him from his loneliness, became his therapist while he tried to bash his wife and played the victim card, helped him financially... only to listen to “You were accidental and I never wanted you, you want to separate me from my wife, you are the reason for all my problems”.... that’s what I got by being an empath and being kind. Dr Carter rightly puts it when he says that we can’t take them out of their misery, we can’t be their rescuer” cuz these narcs will make us a part of their game and leave us feeling extremely hurt in the end!
I wish I could give this video 5,000 thumbs up. I have never heard my sister described in such accurate terms and with real-life examples that resonate so deeply because they have actually happened. Dr. C, this video belongs in your Hall of Fame and the bar for that is already set very, very high within your library. She has told me all her life about her "abandonment issues" and I've always described her to others by saying, "I don't get it: she's *so* clingy to me but then SO mad at me for no reason half the time. It's like she needs me but she hates me."
I will watch this video again and again. The problem, for me, is that I have accidentally done all the wrong things on the checklist toward the end of the video because I am stuck in this house, financially and physically. I will obviously need to reevaluate and recalibrate my responses to her controlling behavior and see how much I can adjust while still being stuck here.
Thank you for your guidance🙏🏻
I'll need it; I have work to do.
Very interesting! I adopted a child that happen to have a lot of these behaviors very early on at the age of 6/7. It's a wild story and it was a wild ride. None of the therapists had the skills to see through the games she played masterfully. Even at a young age, narcissism and borderline Tendencies came up and all of her testing. Being parentified at such a young age was so hard. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail but I find a lot of clarity in what you're saying and it brings me peace to understand it all. It felt like I was living with a tornado, constant chaos.
Unlike an adult relationship where you can walk away, you can't walk away from your child or at least I didn't. It was a very painful path. I was able to get through without having to give my child up though everyone told me to. ( in order to get services) she couldn't live in the family stetting and needed more than that wish I was able to muddle through and find services for her. I pulled my child through it by the skin on my teeth, so to speak because she was fighting me tooth and nail the whole way. LOL
She's actually doing much better right now and our relationship, now that she's an adult, has changed and became much better. I was completely clueless on any of the narcissism and borderline personality disorder when we started this journey. The education that you do is very important, thank you.
Such an accurate description of these two personality disorders. Thank you for another excellent video Dr. Carter.
You are right on target with your talks about narcissists. I was living with my sister and I could not have any friends, I could only talk about certain subjects. She called me many downgrading names and she through me out of the house twice and was left homeless. I no longer have contact with her. She also knew how to gaslight me. I was not sure of who I was and lost all self esteem and self worth.
...O MY GOSH!!! "Can I have 2 mins if your time? After years of respectful listening and after I realised what I'm dealing with (thank you Dr Carter) I literally walked away from a "conversation" aka MONOLOGUE after 10 mins if this was just another manipulating controlling session.
Ooohhh! As Paul Harvey said, the rest of the story! What a gift you give, Dr. Carter, sharing your wise knowledge with us. Wow.
Thankyouthankyouthankyou thank you, Dr. Carter, for this video on BPD along with Narcissism!!! 😊 It's sadly my hubby to a "T". He also has some paranoia. Nothing's ever good enough; when I try to encourage him, he either tells me to stop patronizing him, or angrily tells me I'm being nice to him because I want something from him; everything is about him and what he wants; if I start to tell him about something, he'll interrupt me and say, "I'm not really interested in that", or "I could care less about that"; throws tantrums; if he has a bad day at work, he'll take it out on me (I'm his scapegoat). He's turned the kids against me and they have become his flying monkeys. My friends who have spent time with us can't stand how he talks down to me. A counselor who he saw briefly told him that he has unreal expectations for not only himself, but others, especially a wife who has health problems and is limited in what and how much she can do. What's important to me is belittled, and the children mock me along with him. When we were first married, I'd greet him at the door with a smile and a kiss, and he'd say, "you're mocking me". It was so absurd I thought he was joking, and then would laugh. About a year later, he told me that he was really tired of me mocking him every time he came home, and I realized he was serious and was misinterpreting almost everything I did or said. I still can't joke with him (very few people can) or he takes it the wrong way. My doctors who have seen him with me and the kids when his guard has been down want me out of this relationship because of the stress it's caused has been taking a toll on my health. We've been married for 28 years. He's threatened suicide, especially in the early years of marriage, and told me how he was going to do it, and what to do if the garage doors were locked because he didn't want me to find him. He's jealous of anything that he's not the center of. He always had to have me wherever he was, and I'd have to sit there and watch him play or work on his computer. I finally started bringing sewing in with me, and constantly assure him that I was listening to him (when he *did* say something to me). He's turned others against me, projecting how he is and what he's done on me. My health has gotten even worse, and I'm trapped. If I didn't have Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and feel His love and presence with me, I would have lost it a long time ago. And our pets that follow me around wherever I am and love on me. 😏 Hope this helps someone else that's going through this.
Well I guess I'm screwed.. completely alone. Really hard to take. I guess if I stop needing people it will go away
I feel the same.
I feel the same way
Dr. C this video blew my mind😳not only was my narcissistic ex a drug, alcohol, sex and porn addict, but after viewing this video, he was also a borderline. I am so grateful for your channel and wise words that are helping me to hold firmly to no contact.🙏🤗
7:05 Wife's favourite line - "I don't want to be in control, I just don't want to be out of control". Sounds good on the surface, until life plays out through a filter of 'I'm always out of control, so I need to always fight to be in control to counteract that'. Even the slightest shread of autonomy on my part has to be shut down because it's 'evidence' that she's not in control and therefore is out of control.
You can't fix that, it's insecurity speaking.
I had a girl for 2 years that was weird for me from the start. shes like having multiple personalities. the childish, serious, dull one, overly loving or hate. I really had to take care what I say, and what I do in order to not upset her. but she was doing whatever she felt like doing. doesnt matter if I like it or not. talking about a serious topic doesnt make sense, not listening. she broke up with me 3 times already were no reasons for that. the first 2 times I was blaming myself but the third one I was 100% sure its not my fault and that shes totally crazy and i accepted her breakup and didnt want to makeup anymore. Even if there were times where I was thinking, I wanna marry this woman because she is so awesome, there were also horrible ones, where she would kick me out of her house and ignore me like a piece of shit. Like Im her worst enemy. Even tho I didnt do anything bad. And most of the time these hyper reactions came, when she was pressured by her work and had a lot of things to do. I tried my best and suffered a lot, but you end up emotionally drained without any success. I had to leave her be.
thanks for sharing your story
I understand bro 👍
In the example you used about visiting relatives and having a nice time, the BPD will say, of so you think you're better than me because I don't like my relatives?
It's like woah, I was just making a comment. The BPD person never just hears comments, they always seem to hear it as a personal attack.
Of course, they won't say this to you directly. They'll tell everyone else that you are a snob, and think you're better than everyone.
This is really excellent- thank you, Dr Carter, for a great, on point analysis, demonstrative examples, and subsequent guidance. I’m quite glad I found your channel! I especially resonated with the part about setting boundaries.
In my situation, I would often get the, “Hey we need to talk... something’s really bothering me...” right at bedtime, about 6 minutes after lights are out and the heads hit the pillows. As a young person I always dealt with insomnia issues but I’ve since trained myself to go to sleep quickly and deeply, and these impromptu discussions totally were wrecking that. I’d lay awake for hours following the, what would inevitably become, the argument/ fight (if I was even in the same room anymore). There is a point here. I set that boundary fairly early on in the relationship and even though it was breached at first, it’s eventually become embedded in that person that discussions at that time are just not gonna happen. I know there’s the anger still there, which is something I see as stemming from her feelings of a lack of control (of me), but most times now I won’t see the manifestation of that anger but for maybe a few grumbles. Over time they learn what doesn’t work.
That is exactly what I needed to know to understand what’s going on with that girl from my building. Now I realize how predictable she is and I feel so much safer now. Thank you Sir.
75% narc 25% borderline = deathly cocktail... Like dating a stairmaster.
That's hilarious! 😁
This is the best video I have found for describing a person in my life. Thank you for posting this.
it's so tragic. I see their fear but I can't touch it, no way to help. There are three in my life and none of them can really love me or feel my love for them.
Your right Dr Less Carter if I would've know about this disorder when I met him I would avoided him like the pleag..
When listening to Dr C its hard for me to NOT understand their craziness just after the course of 3 weeks -- ?
@@Corinna_Schuett_GER yes your right these coaches a certain special gift that takes to a level of healing, understanding & knowledge we need.
My BPD guy I used to love, after his lovebombing, he was not revealing all truth. I only knew he was clinically depressed and anxious. I found out later in 2019 that he was also clinically borderline, and I was walking out very fast. Walking on eggshells it was weekly, he never reached out. I knew since 2016 he could be BPD, he said who I am to diagnose him. But all his actions was so well to this diagnosis. When I found out official paperwork, he said that it's not true. He refused to have it, but actions spoke so well...
I've never been diagnosed with BPD, but watching this video I thought much of what you describe fits the emotional problems I've struggled with for several years.
Sam Vaknin recently came out with a video on "Lies, Narcissism and Borderlines," which provides an interesting framework for conceptualizing BPDs. I don't often agree with what he has to say, but he talks about how psychopathy, narcissism, and borderline are interrelated - and the lies they tell other people and the ways in which they lie to themselves. He looks through the lens of lying as a means of better understanding the three disorders. The waters of the Cluster Bs is muddy and frustrating to navigate. Dr. C, I appreciate your approach to explaining these complex people in simple terms.
Great advice on the behavior of persons with BPD. Too bad I already learned all that the hard way! I was warned, too. Darn it.
This is 100% my ex/abuser. I’ve been out of the relationship for over two years and I watch these videos as affirmation and assistance with my healing.
This video in particular was absolutely spot on. Whew! So good to be out of that vicious cycle of abuse.
So many blessings are awaiting those who feel trapped in these narcissistic relationships, find a way out.
Thank you for delivering things in such clear and direct ways! Much appreciated!
Could you please make a video discussing what happens when narcissists cluster into groups?
Great question! From what I've observed with my N mom, she avoids other people just like her (instantly judges them, points out all their physical faults and dismisses them) It's like she senses she won't get any narc supply from them and moves on. Her mother was also a narc, and they seemed to thrive on negativity and complaining together. Their unified goal was to make everyone miserable.
@@robinsteward2351 so it's unlikely to find Ns in groups? I feel incredibly drained whenever I go into crowds. I assumed it was due to Ns grouping together, but now I'm unsure
Highly unlikely that they will cluster together. They need empathy to drain. Narcs will rub each other up the wrong way completely.
@@robinsteward2351 thanks for the insight, I appreciate it. There are always rats who make life a misery
Social media?
I believe wholeheartedly that my mother is a borderline narcissistic personality. She has worked her whole life to destroy me and has had her flying monkeys around to help her my whole life. I also feel that a lot of people have aided and abetted her out of fear of her. Me oh my, she has created the strongest Empath daughter who is not afraid of her. It's the amount of harm she has caused in my life and that of others that is scary. It truly is the never-ending story... Good Lord!
My mother did this to people. Up on a pedestal one minute, then the person is "The Pits" next .Oh the hijacking conversations AND "You Owe Me", one of her fav refrains!
Thank you Dr. C for your continued support and guidance.
Cling. Rage. Repeat. Life daily :-/ Never heard it described so accurately.
Sometimes i do some of these anoying things you've mentioned. I have been working on my triggers my whole life and am very good at not letting it bother me if i get triggered here and there. I must be on the spectrum of boarderline at a lower range. Thanks for the indepth knowledge here.
Not to offend anyone with BPD, I know the pain they deal with is unbearable at times, however I can speak honestly when I say their illness DOES cause others pain! I’ve been married to a man with BPD for 8.5 years, he also has HIGHLY Narcissistic traits. And he is very emotionally and mentally abusive!! Tbh this is exhausting and I have went to therapy at times to GET ADVICE ON HOW TO BE HIS THERAPIST 😔. Everything you said here is valid, he has no boundaries, he is rude and disrespectful to everyone around him but other times acts as if they deserve it! I honestly have whip lash most of the time dealing with his “episodes”. I have been to therapy more times than I can count because he says he acts this way because of me or what I’m doing, leaving me feel crazy!!! He gaslights me VERRRYYYYY often, to the point I have recorded convos, put cameras in my house and even carried pepper spray in my house because he has fits of rage and grabs guns to threaten suicide because he’s afraid I’m going to leave! I could go on for days but I’m so sorry people have to deal with this illness but I’m gonna be the jerk that says, some of these people are just as abusive as someone with NPD
You are very brave, its soul destroying for anyone who has to live with someone who has this illness.
I have been reading up so much on BPD as am sure I had recently got involved with one . He is highly sensitive & has so much past trauma that I thought cptsd but there is so much more . This almost confirms it to me with the way you describe conversations going back to them and marathon discussions.
Thanks Dr. C.... this is absolutely my ex to a T. The only difference I can think of is he wouldn't accept help (might show weakness) but then further down the line he'd rail at me about never helping him.
As for the long, long discussions (to make me understand what I'd done wrong), I was not allowed to comment or respond "No, let me finish!" while he would literally monologue for 2 or 3 hours.
Listening to your videos puts things in perspective and makes me feel sane again. Thank you.
As someone who has a family member with Borderline. You described it to a T. This is a very, very good informative video.